Soon Back to School Season would be upon us and soon college kids will be returning to their schools. Of course, this means we’ll be upon the season for college sports such as football as you’d see on ESPN. Thus, we’ll be anticipating the return of the college mascots. These are loveable characters who’ve become personified symbols for our home teams. Whether a costumed student or a live animal, they spend their Saturday afternoons and/or evenings revving the crowd, engaging in hilarious hijinks, and on some occasions in NCAA Division I sports, beating the crap out of the other team’s mascot. Of course, my alma mater Saint Vincent College is a Division III school, Vinny the Bearcat probably didn’t have the chance to beat up some of the other teams’ mascots, though he did launch T-shirt cannons. Yet, at least he’s a decent looking mascot despite being practically a cougar. I mean he’s fierce enough to strike fear into the other team yet cuddly enough not to make kids cry in photo ops. Nor does he cause a major embarrassment in the Saint Vincent Community. Still, I could talk all day about the great mascots and sideline heroes in college sports but that would be boring. Instead, I’ll show you the college mascots that may cause a lifetime of shame and embarrassment to the students who have to don the costumes. These mascots fail to instill any pride or excitement in the fans and have gotten mocked outright. At best, they roam anonymously on the sidelines. At worst, they are uneeded distractions with their mere existence as an excuse for an exercise in stupidity. So without further adieu, here is a collection of college mascots that probably shouldn’t be on the field.
1. Peter the Anteater- University of Irvine Anteaters
Demetri Martin once said that while it’s possible to make something cool uncool, it’s difficult to make something uncool cool. Now you can give Peter a buff, mean faced anteater with scary markings. Yet, that doesn’t change the fact he’s a long tongued creature that eats ants. I’m sure if the NCAA was run by ants, he’d be very a scary creature indeed, but it’s not.
2. Cayenne the Chili Pepper- University of Louisiana at Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns
Now I understand that Lafayette, Louisiana is in Cajun country and I know a lot of Cajuns use Cayenne pepper for their cuisine. Sure it may have a face that may fend off a few competitors, too. But come on, he’s a giant red pepper for God’s sake. And who would be proud to have a giant pepper representing their school?
3. Speedy the Geoduck- Evergreen State Geoducks
In case you don’t know, a geoduck is a large saltwater clam with a very long siphon. Of course, not very intimidating, especially since the costume seems to come out of a sci-fi TV show gone horribly wrong. Maybe Evergreen State should’ve gone with a better seafood mascot like a crab, lobster, or giant squid.
4. Artie the Artichoke- Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes
Of course, Artie would be a more appropriate mascot if he could sport fangs and have a taste for human flesh. Unfortunately he doesn’t and resembles more of a failed nutrition spokesman or a reject from a Fruit of the Loom commercial.
5. Sammy the Banana Slug- University of California-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs
Now the banana slug was adopted by this college as a commentary on the overemphasis on athletics. And it certainly mimics the school’s main pillars of non-aggressiveness, contemplation, flexibility, and stepping outside the status quo. Unfortunately, such qualities a good mascot doesn’t make and Sammy seems more like your friendly neighborhood space alien than anything.
6. WuShock- Wichita State University Shockers
WuShock is supposed to represent shock of wheat. Yet, this doesn’t lead to people outside Wichita think that he’s anthropomorphic electricity or a secret lovechild of the Thing from a sexual encounter with a toilet brush. Still, it’s kind of creepy if you ask me.
7. The Fighting Okra- Delta State University Fighting Okra
Of course, you can make your mascot fierce by giving it a mean expression and boxing gloves. But if your mascot is a giant green vegetable all that’s going to do is make it resemble a rejected muppet character from Sesame Street.
8. Keggy the Keg- Dartmouth University Big Green
Now if your mascot is a giant anthropomorphic beer keg what does it say about your school? That it has a reputation for being party school with a lot of fraternities and sororities as well as excessive drinking. Now would you want your school mascot to represent these aspects, especially if it’s an ivy league college like Dartmouth?
9. Scrotie- Rhode Island School of Design Nads
Now if there was a college mascot you wouldn’t want to pose in a picture with your kids or parents, then Scrotie would be it. I mean college sporting events are supposed to be family friendly activities here. A guy dressed as male genitalia is not. Now I know this is an inappropriate image but I’m posting it anyway since you can’t make something like this up.
10. Cy- Iowa State University Cyclones
Now seriously, why do cardinal birds make us think of tornadoes? Oh, yeah, I remember they don’t. Of course, Cy was chosen for the mascot since the school thought that Wally the Wrecked Trailer epically failed to win the fans’ hearts.
11. Puddles- University of Oregon Ducks
Of course, in Disney canon, Puddles Duck is best remembered as Donald Duck’s older brother and a rather neglectful father to Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Still, Donald always has to put up with with his parents constantly comparing him to how great his brother is representing the Oregon Ducks around Thanksgiving. This is despite the fact that Donald always has to watch Puddles’ kids, has a steady girlfriend named Daisy, and works for Disney.
12. Gaylord Camel- Campbell University Fighting Camels
Now having a camel mascot is perfectly fine. After all, camels can be Yet, naming him Gaylord is just, well, lame. Guess Gaylord has become Campbell’s fearsome mascot since he spent his childhood being beat up at school for being named Gaylord.
13. The Tree- Stanford University Cardinals
This mascot reminds me of the singing Christmas trees I see at Rite Aid around the holidays and not in a good way. Still, for God’s sake, Stanford, if your team is called the Cardinals, have a cardinal mascot! There’s no need to have a poorly designed tree to represent your school.
14. Sam the Minuteman- University of Massachusetts Minutemen
Though the Minutemen is a good nickname for UMass, Sam seems to smile like a corrupt colonial politician than as an embodiment of patriotism. More like, “vote for me or I’ll steal this baby’s lollipop” than anything.
15. Pistol Pete- Oklahoma State University Sooners
Of course, Pistol Pete only started to appear as Oklahoma State’s mascot after being fired as an animatronic showman at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Of course, Chuck E. Cheese couldn’t stand Pistol Pete’s drinking habits, anger issues, and tendency to show up to work with a firearm.
16. Goldy Gopher- University of Minnesota Goldy Gophers
On one hand, there is some good reasons to have a gopher as a mascots. I mean we’ve all seen Caddyshack to know that they’re pretty fast, cause a lot of damage to lawns, and can be very hard to kill in a real life version of Whack-a-Mole. However, this mascot seems more suitable for a children’s show than a football game.
17. Zippy Kangaroo – University of Akron Zips
Now don’t get me wrong, kangaroos can be pretty unpredictable and aggressive animals. Dopey Zippy here doesn’t seem to embody these qualities. Nevertheless, I have to give Akron credit for giving her a pouch and making her a female. A male kangaroo with a pouch would’ve been even more ridiculous.
18. Otto the Orange- University of Syracuse Orange
Now Syracuse is known for having severe winters and experiencing 120 inches of snow. This isn’t a good climate for citrus fruits. Also, a giant dancing orange with arms and legs wearing a cap makes a rather dopey mascot indeed. And as to how this Orange can survive in sub-zero weather probably means it was genetically modified.
19. Purdue Pete- Purdue University Boilermakers
Look, Purdue, you have another mascot called the Boilermaker Special which is a cool looking old timey train people could ride in. Why do you need an expressionless hard-hatted guy with a hammer?
20. Hokie Bird- Virginia Tech University Hokies
Let’s face it, Virginia Tech, Hokie Bird is a turkey which aren’t known to be fearsome creatures (at least the domestic “other white meat” variety though they aren’t pleasant). Still, you have to admit that Hokie Bird does live up to his name. I mean a turkey mascot is kind of hokey isn’t it?
21. Nittany Lion- Pennsyvania State University Nitany Lions
Now I know what a Nittany Lion is supposed to be and I think Penn State is perfectly fine with having a mountain lion mascot. However, whoever designed the Nittany Lion’s costume thinks it resembles an emaciated bear for some reason. And let’s say the footie-pajama getup doesn’t seem to help. But the ladies seem to love him.
22. Big Red- Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers
What the hell is this? And exactly how does Grimace’s long lost half-brother “represent the spirit of WKU?” Or is he a lovechild of Grimace and the Kool Aid Man? I can’t decide.
23. Lil’ Red- University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cornhuskers
Knowing he was too creepy for the restaurant business unlike his more successful cousin, Big Boy, Lil’ Red traveled to Lincoln, Nebraska to be a mascot to the Cornhuskers. Still, he seems more appropriate for a mom-and-pop restaurant with a “21 and over” sign than a school sporting event.
24. Brutus Buckeye- Ohio State University Buckeyes
Now hearing the name of “Brutus Buckeye” you’d think that Ohio State’s mascot could be a rather fearsome mascot. Alas, this dopey guy with a nut head doesn’t even live up to his rather awesome name. And as far as dumb mascots go, he appears on every list compiled by those who don’t live in Columbus or attended OSU.
25. Oski- University of California-Berkeley Golden Bears
Now I see nothing wrong with having a bear as a mascot. We all know that you don’t want to go near one while hiking in the woods. Yet, a cuddly bear mascot with a dopey smile and button down sweater seems like he was created due to parental complaints of his scarier predecessor frightening their small children.
26. Troll- Trinity College Trolls
Now trolls are certainly fearsome creatures but they are also annoying, dirty, ugly, unpleasant, and have very bad B. O. A school whose mascot embodies such qualities, should probably consider getting a new mascot.
27. Friar Dom- Providence College Friars
Don’t get me wrong, I could see why Providence College would go with calling themselves the Friars since it’s a Dominican school. Yet, there’s just something about Friar Dom’s hollow eyes and grimacing smile that’s kind of unsettling. He kind of seems less like an austere, fear-inspiring religious figure, and more like the Angel of Death himself.
28. Demon Deacon- Wake Forest University Demon Deacons
Look, if you want to have “Demon Deacons” as your school mascot, at least have him look like an actual demon instead of an elderly late 19th century circus ringmaster who’d probably get eaten by lions or trampled by elephants.
29. Rocky the Rocket- University of Toledo Rockets
Now there’s nothing wrong with calling your team “the Rockets.” But holy Toledo, to have a mascot that more or less belongs in a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1990s is another matter. Seriously, what the hell Toledo?
30. The Billiken- Saint Louis University Billikens
Now s Billiken is said to be a charm doll created by a 19th art teacher that bears a cross between a kewpie and a Gringotts goblin. This one is a tamer version but is a batlike alien with hair, an albino batboy or what would happen if Count Chocula got together with a troll doll.
31. The Fighting Pickle- University of North Carolina School of the Arts Fighting Pickles
Now what’s stupider than having a pickle as your school mascot, is having a fighting pickle mascot but no officially sanctioned athletic teams like UNCSA. Still, at least the fighting pickle knows how to embrace the spirit of the school with his Shakespearean hat and mask, French facial hair, paintbrush, and piano key tutu.
32. Kernel Cob- Concordia College Cobbers
Now this is either an anthropomorphic ear of corn, a muppet character rejected from Sesame Street, a maize monster in an alternative line of work, or what would result if Bert got together with a magic tree. I can’t decide. Still, it’s pretty lame.
33. Captain Cane- University of Tulsa Hurricanes
For one, there are no hurricanes in Oklahoma, yet Tulsa probably calls themselves on the age old belief that the tornado nickname was taken. Second, Captain Cane was a former student who transformed to this in an accident involving storm generated electricity. Yet, he’s Tulsa’s mascot since he couldn’t go back to work as an electrical engineer and that he was too lame to join the Avengers.
34. The Blue Blob- Xavier University Musketeers
Since what does a blue blob monster have to do with musketeers outside of Sesame Street? Seriously Xavier? If the musketeers ever faced a monster that looked even remotely like an earlier design of Cookie Monster, I’m sure Alexandre Dumas would’ve mentioned it in his books. Wouldn’t he?
35. Guntson- George Mason University Patriots
Of course, this cuddly green monstrosity seems to be more suitable for Sesame Street or thought being a mascot for George Mason was a great fall back career after the famed children’s show rejected him. Of course, college mascot seems to be the alternative career path for many Sesame Street rejects for some reason.
36. The Boll Weevil- University of Arkansas -Monticello Boll Weevils
Now I know that a boll weevil is a real insect known to cause a lot agricultural infestation. It’s a long nosed brown beetle. This looks like an alien from outer space and thus a different life form entirely.
37. Izzy the Islander- Texas A&M -Corpus Christi Islanders
Now I’d expect a Tiki mascot at a college in Hawaii. But a Tiki mascot in Texas? Besides, isn’t the whole “tiki torches, grass hula skirts, and wooden masks,” thing is kind of offensive to Pacific Islanders. Seriously, not all Pacific Islanders are the bare boobed head hunters they’re made out to be in the mass media.
38. Gorlok- Webster University Gorloks
Now a gorlok is a mythical creature you probably never heard of mainly because it’s something Webster just made up. According to them, it’s said to have a cheetah’s paws, a buffalo’s horns, and a Saint Bernard’s face. Yet, to me it reminds me of some kind of wild feline on steroids.
39. Pete the Peacock- Upper Iowa University Peacocks
Then again, peacocks kind of have a lot in common with a lot of college athletes. I mean girls love them and have a tendency for being vain, arrogant, strut around to attract ladies, and sometimes quite vicious. Yet, I’m not sure an animal whose feathers we use in women’s hats is a good idea for a school mascot. A real peacock is much more intimidating.
40. Gladys the Fighting Squirrel- Mary Baldwin College Flying Squirrels
Seriously, this mascot seems to belong at a girls’ softball team than at a college sports game. At least having her as a mascot for a girls’ softball team would make more sense. Guess the school isn’t into athletics very much or had their mascot chosen by 5-year old girls.
41. Joe Bruin- University of California-Los Angeles Bruins
Basically he’s a ripoff from his older brother Oski from Berkeley. Though less cuddly than his older brother, he still kind of resembles a teddy bear with bad fashion sense.
42. Super Frog- Texas Christian University Horned Frogs
Now a horned frog is another term for a Texas horned lizard and thus a misnomer. It’s the state reptile of Texas. Yet, TCU’s Super Frog seems to resemble some form of humanoid dinosaur or space alien.
43. The Leprechaun- Notre Dame University Fighting Irish
Now the “Fighting Irish” is perfectly okay for Notre Dame. A fighting Leprechaun logo is fine as well. Yet, having a mascot be a guy dressed like one sort of takes the negative Irish stereotyping too far, especially if he looks like he’s fresh off from Riverdance.
44. Mr. Commodore- Vanderbilt University Commodores
Let’s see, who’s idea for a college mascot consisted of a crusty mutton chop old guy in 19th century naval attire? This guy is simply terrifying, especially since he’s holding a big stick he intends to whack any player who doesn’t play to his specifications.
45. Saluki- Southern Illinois University Salukis
Now salukis are actually fairly graceful dogs, but this mascot makes these pooches seem the essence of nightmares who might maul their opponents to death.
46. Buzz- Georgia Institute of Technology Yellow Jackets
Now I don’t know about you but I kind of find this insect mascot kind of creepy for some reason. Perhaps it’s that he looks too much like a bug and he’s human-sized. Just something about giant bugs that freaks me out especially if they could sting you.
47. The Battling Bishop- Ohio Wesleyan University Battling Bishops
Now this guy is a mascot for a Methodist college yet he seems more suited with being a mascot for the Spanish Inquisition. Except that the real Spanish Inquisition would probably burn him at the stake after being convicted of committing the heresy of being an extremely lame mascot.
48. The Penn Quaker- University of Pennsylvania Quakers
Now I know Penn probably uses a Quaker mascot since PA was founded by them. Yet, Quakerism is a religion that’s founded on pacifism while many sports can erupt into fights. Perhaps the Quaker mascot should just stick to promoting oatmeal instead.
49. Mortimer “Morty” McPestle- St. Louis College of Pharmacy Eutectics
For one, why does a pharmacy college have its own mascot? Second, this school’s mascot seems to be of a guy who’s been spending way to much time in the laboratory. I mean whatever is turning his skin yellow can’t be good for him.
50. Sebastian the Ibis- Miami University Hurricanes
It’s basically the Oregon Duck with a longer beak and some anger issues built in. Or perhaps it’s just Howard the Duck post film career. Either way, that does not look like an ibis.
51. Benny the Beaver- Oregon State University Beavers
Now I don’t know about you but Benny seems to resemble a buck toothed version of the dog from the Cookie Crisp cereal box than an actual beaver. I mean if you want your mascot to be a beaver at least have it look like a beaver, not a muskrat, groundhog, or whatever this thing is.
52. Bucky Badger- University of Wisconsin Badgers
Badgers can be pretty tough and vicious animals that could spread rabies as well as eat your garbage. This guy seems too lame to inflict any damage whatsoever. Also, he has an enormous head which is kind of freaky.
53. Lightning- Middle Tennessee State University Blue Raiders
Not to be outdone with mascot ridiculousness, MTSU basically took Tulsa’s Captain Cane and made it into a blue electric horse name Lightning. I suppose those at MTSU were either drunk or high at the time when they came up with this. Then again, MTSU’s previous mascot was Nathan Bedford Forrest so you might want to consider Lightning an improvement though he may tend to offend blue horses.
54. Willie Wave- Pepperdine University Waves
This is basically a cross between a surfer dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a large pompadour and way too much hairspray and a sea monster. Then again, he probably came to be after being struck by lightning while surfing during a hurricane.
55. Austin Peay- Austin Peay State University Governors
Just the mascot a college needs, another old guy resembling a 19th century circus ringmaster. Not as bad like Demon Deacon but still more grandfatherly than intimidating.
56. John B. –Stetson University Hatters
Now he’s probably not as ridiculous as his predecessor which was just a hat. But still, he seems to carry an unsettling expression on his face while handling a whip.
57. Scotty the Scotsman- Presbyterian College Blue Hose
For some reason I can’t help looking at this guy and imagine what Mel Gibson would think of this. I mean he’s basically a college mascot equivalent to William Wallace from Braveheart minus the blue paint on his face. Still, can’t help imagining Scotty say, “They may take our ball and run with it to our side of the field. They may deny us a chance for an NCAA championship in a 50-0 game but they’ll never take our FREEEDOOOM!”
58. Gael Force One- Saint Mary’s College of California Gaels
Basically it’s basically if Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan the Barbarian did any advertising for Burger King. May not cause as much copyright infringement as Scotty the Scotsman but still.
59. WebstUR- University of Richmond Spiders
That’s not a spider. He’s basically a onetime sidekick of the Count from Sesame Street who nobody remembers. That, or one of the muppet character rejects from Sesame Street. To call that a spider is beyond me.
60. Sparky the Sun Devil- Arizona State University Sun Devils
I’m sure the heat in Arizona can be a bit menacing. Yet, while Sparky has the menacing part down like a ball of fire, he just seems a little creepy in photo ops as if he’s eying his fans with malicious intent, except on Halloween.
61. The Blue Devil- Duke University Blue Devils
Now according to Duke, the Blue Devils were said to be a group of elite French soldiers during World War I. Duke’s Blue Devil mascot just looks like as if the Prince of Darkness was reduced to a 1960s Batman villain.
62. The Mountaineer- West Virginia University Mountaineers
Hey, what the hell is a Davy Crockett impersonator doing here? Isn’t he supposed to be a tour guide for visitors at the Alamo in San Antonio? Oh, sorry, WVU, but I had no idea that this guy was your school mascot. My bad.
63. Jonathan- University of Connecticut Huskies
Now while I see nothing wrong with the live husky Jonathan who seems quite cute the costume Jonathan seems to resemble someone you’d see at a furry convention. Seriously, it’s an adult man in a husky costume, which isn’t cute. It’s creepy.
64. Testudo- University of Maryland Therapins
Now I would expect the University of Maryland to have an unconventional mascot but I don’t think it should feature a slow old reptile that could live for nearly 100 years. Then again, they probably went for the turtle after realizing that a crab mascot costume would’ve been too complicated. Seriously, why couldn’t Maryland simply go with a crab?
65. Paydirt Pete- University of Texas- El Paso Miners
Hmm. A prospector mascot with a mining pick. Unfortunately his eyes say that he has rage issues and lacks the self-restraint not to use it as a weapon. And he has no remorse as well as sees no need to seek counseling.
66. Cocky- University of South Carolina Gamecocks
Now having a chicken as a college mascot is one thing. Yet, having your chicken mascot commemorate a tradition of animal cruelty is totally messed up. I mean a gamecock is a rooster used in cockfighting, can’t anyone see anything wrong with that?
67. Johnny Poet- Whittier College Poets
Despite Watergate, when I look at this I can’t help being sorry for Richard Nixon. I mean he’s probably the only guy in his administration who attended a college whose mascot was this guy. Seriously, poets are lovers not fighters! They get beat up at school not play on football teams. I mean what the hell Whittier? Just because your college was named after a poet doesn’t mean your mascot should be one.
68. YouDee – University of Delaware Fightn’ Blue Hens
Now I know Delaware’s state bird is a blue hen. But really, I think YouDee seems to be more appropriate for a box of LSD laced Kelloggs Cornflakes than as a mascot at sporting events. Oh, and YouDee is supposed to be a male instead of an actual hen which is female. And that the blue hen was used in cockfighting. Seriously, Delaware?
69. Ole- University of California-Santa Barbara Gauchos
This mascot reminds me of something I heard from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Something that goes along with: “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges!” Yeah, kind of a negative Hispanic stereotype here.
70. R.B. Bbhoggawact-Austin Community College Riverbats
Of course, before R. B. worked as a mascot for ACC, he was once a sidekick to the Count on Sesame Street. Of course, they didn’t see eye to eye and had a big falling out. They haven’t spoken to each other since.
71. Ace Purple- University of Evansville Purple Aces
For some reason, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to have a Wild West villain archetype as your college mascot. I mean a well dressed mascot isn’t going to win you fans outside Evansville. Also, he kind of dresses like a pimp if you ask me.
72. Ephelia –Williams College Ephs
Okay, apparently Williams College’s athletic director was high on some strong acid and thought a purple cow mascot was a good idea. I mean this lavender bovine Dr. Seussian nightmare here. Seriously, why?
73. The Student Prince- Heidelburg University Student Princes
Now Heidelburg’s mascot is a student prince after the silent movie The Student Prince of Old Heidelburg. This mascot is a cheesy ripoff from Gladiator. Seriously, a student prince wouldn’t be caught dead in that.
74. Petey the Storm Petrel- Ogelthorpe University Storm Petrels
Of course, what would make a better college mascot than a small bird known to into hurricanes and tornadoes? Then again, perhaps it has rivals named the Tornadoes or Hurricanes. Yet, willingness to fly into a destructive storm doesn’t always make the bird seem badass. This mascot seems rather pathetic.
75. Pete and Penny Penguin- Youngstown State University Penguins
Now I know that the Pittsburgh Penguins have Iceburgh as their mascot, but at least Iceberg doesn’t appear to have a side arm that entails greeting kids wanting to see Santa at the mall. These two seem to. Also, they don’t seem to be up to any good by the looks of them.