Since my post on bad book covers has now become the most popular post, I have now decided to do another post. Now if you thought the last ones were funny, you’ll like these as well. While it’s important not to judge a book from its cover before reading it, sometimes its hard to do so when the cover is so bad that it inspires a lot of shits and giggles. Some of them may have bad pictures that might have absolutely nothing to do with what the book is about. Some may have images and titles bearing inappropriate or disgusting connotations. Other books may be rather telling whether the material is good or not, especially when the title and book’s image give you some idea on what the book is about. I mean if a book has a cover about Amish people in space, you’d probably want to stay away from it, right? So for all you guys who enjoyed my last post on bad book covers, here is a list of even more unintentionally funny and disturbing covers for all you to enjoy. Still, some of these may not be safe for work.
1. The Hungry Ones by Craig Douglas
Seriously, the positioning might suggest it’s a romance novel. Yet, the fact, that the leading man is a scary looking clown with his hand on the girl’s shoulder hints that he may be some sort of psycho killer to me.
For some reason I can’t decide whether this is a romance novel or one about a very disturbed clown.
2. Jizzle by John Wyndham
I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “jizzle,” I don’t think about mythological monsters about to go at it or fight to the death. Hope it’s just fight to the death.
Now this may be a collection of sci-fi/fantasy stories but the title is a sexual slang term.
3. People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead by Gary Leon Hill
Seriously, how can somebody deny that they’re dead? Also, its entry on Amazon.com is kind of disturbing to read along the lines, “When people die by accident, in violence, or maybe they’re drunk, stoned, or angry, they get freeze-framed. Even if they die naturally but have no clue what to expect, they might not notice they’re dead. It’s frustrating to see and not be seen. It’s frustrating to not know what you’re supposed to do next. It’s especially frustrating to be in someone else’s body and think it’s your own. That’s if you’re dead. If you’re alive and that spirit has attached itself to you, well that’s a whole other set of frustrations.” Basically this is All of Me turned into a horror movie premise. Also, the photo is kind of creepy.
Of course, despite the title, it’s actually based on a true story about people possessing other individuals’ bodies as far as the author’s concerned. But still, I would suggest it’s paranormal fiction because we can’t really communicate with the dead.
4. Exo-Vaticana: Petrus Romanus, PROJECT LUCIFER, and the Vatican’s astonishing exo-theological plan for the arrival of an alien savior by Chris Putnam and Thomas Horn
Of course, I read a summary of what its about on Amazon.com, this is about the Catholic Church’s involvement with extraterrestrial conspiracy theories. Also, let’s just say that this books provides as much accurate information about the Catholic Church as Dan Brown or the Left Behind series: None at all. Also, the ridiculous cover design with a UFO hovering over Saint Peter’s Basilica kind of gives the divine revelation that this book is full of shit.
Basically this is a cross of Dan Brown with The Left Behind series.
5. Blazing Embers by Angela Ashley
I don’t know about you, but I certainly hope this isn’t a romance novel because it doesn’t remind me of burning embers as far as I’m concerned. Rather, I kind of feel a bit creeped out by such images of hairy middle aged men bathing with younger naked women. That’s just sick.
I’m not sure that any woman would love to take a bath with a hair man that resembles Larry David.
6. Amish Vampires in Space by Kerry Nietz
Seriously, how could anyone write a good story about a group of people who rejected advanced technology beyond the 17th century and have them in space? I absolutely don’t get it. And making them vampires, good Lord.
Now this is the most fucked up cover presentation I’ve ever seen. Of course, Amish vampires are one thing, but having them in space, well, that’s just crazy.
7. Christianity Lite: Stop Drinking a Watered-Down Gospel by Glen Berteau
Seriously, what’s with the beer bottle on the cover? It’s a Christian book and yet it has a picture of something that sometimes leads to date rape and sin if you drink excessive amounts. Also, the beer bottle presented as if it’s from a beer commercial.
Now I get the idea of a watered down Gospel but why do you have to compare it to beer?
8. Why Cat’s Paint: A theory of feline aesthetics by Heather Busch and Burton Silver
Wow, I didn’t believe cats could paint on walls for artistic expression. Oh, yeah, I forgot they don’t. The cat is probably just playing with the paints as any cat would do.
Finally, a book about cats, painting?
9. Everything I Want to Do Is Illegal by Joe Salatin
Let’s just say that Joe Salatin is terrible at choosing titles. I mean the statement “everything I want to do is illegal” can apply to almost anyone from serial rapists and murderers wanting to do their thing to the Koch brothers wanting to dump chemicals in the Mississippi. Also, who knows what that farmer is thinking about doing that’s illegal. Not to mention, it’s worth noting that Joe Salatin is a libertarian who blames the government for the food industrial complex we have today, which has no basis in fact. That, my friend goes to the food business and urbanization instead.
Now this book talks about stories pertaining to the local food front, but this title could have other interpretations as far as anyone is concerned.
10. Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages by Victor T. Cheney
I’m sure a book is less about the advantages of castration and more about the disadvantages since it’s written by a guy. Much of the advantages basically pertain to not having to worry about paternity suits, paying child support, or appearing on the Maury Povich Show.
Finally, a title that would make any member of the male species clutch their junk in horror, except the author.
11. Harpo’s Horrible Secret by Barbara Kelly
Well, according to the cover, Harpo is either the kid who was molested by his grandpa during a fishing trip or the grandpa doing the molesting. Either way, this image doesn’t seem to make Harpo’s situation seem good here. And yet, the frog is watching in earnest.
I think the cover just spoiled the whole story for me in the most disturbing way possible.
12. Everything I Know About Women I Learned From My Tractor by Roger Welsch
This title is rather disturbing but I hope the best thing Roger learned about women from his tractor is that women aren’t farm machinery that can plow your fields for you. Oh, and that they don’t run on petroleum either.
Seriously, I don’t want to know about how your tractor fits in with your sex life. I’m sorry but that’s just me.
13. 1984 by George Orwell
What the hell is O’Brien doing in a gimp suit? Also, the romance is only part of the novel which also included elements of a dystopian society as well as a third act that’s mostly filled with torture. Also, Winston isn’t supposed to be sexy.
All right, why is Orwell’s dystopian masterpiece being marketed as a Harlequin Romance? Seriously, though it contains romance, it’s not the only thing in it.
14. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
Oh, it’s not about that. So why come up with this creepy misleading cover design at all? The designers could’ve made the guys normal size like they do in posters for movies revolving around love triangles practically every single time.
Read the Jane Austen classic about a normal size woman who can’t decide between two little men sitting on her shoulders.
15. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
I’m sure a girl’s legs in black and white striped tights is either going to remind readers of novels for teenage girls or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Or maybe this book is trying to tell us that maybe Alice is the Wicked Witch of the West, which is really disturbing.
With the legs in the black and white stripe tights, I almost thought it was Wicked.
16. Baby, Come Out! by Fran Manushkin
Never in my lifetime, have I seen depictions of pregnancy in children’s books look so creepy. I mean how could the the baby be receptive to its older sister’s screams from in utero? And why isn’t it situated in a fetal position?
I wonder if these pictures really provide an accurate description of fetal development. Also, why have the fetus featured in the mother’s swelling abdomen at all?
17. The Zen of Farting by Reppah Gud Wan
I’m sure Buddhist monks seem to let it all hang out during meditation as depicted by the putrid smell illustration from the cover. Well, I guess everyone breaks wind from time to time even Buddhist monks but pop culture seems to neglect this. Then again, the Buddhist monk featured may just have had eaten too much tofu burritos at lunch.
I’m sure this is perhaps the most popular Zen book for guys since it’s the only Zen art most of them have actually mastered.
18. Bombproof Your Horse by Sgt. Rick Pelicano
Yes, horses are skittish creatures and their primary defense mechanism consists of running like hell. I’m sure bombproofing it isn’t going to be 100% effective. Seriously, this is why most modern militaries no longer have a cavalry.
Finally, a book for the equestrian on how to make your horse stamp out all his biological impulses, even in common sense instances that cause trauma.
19. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
Who the hell thought that this would make a good cover for a children’s book? I mean this girl on the cover seems more like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras than a regular spoiled rich brat. And shouldn’t there be a young boy or Willy Wonka on the cover instead? Seriously, why?
I’m sure this is a perfectly safe book that families can enjoy, but you wouldn’t know it from the cover which seems like a rejected design for Lolita.
20. Children Are No Match for Fire by Carol Dean
Let’s just say despite a trauma inducing cover design, I’m sure this book will discourage your kid from playing with matches. Of course, this book may not work for budding pyromaniacs whose parents may need to seek more extraordinary measures like psychiatric assistance.
Nothing scares your kids straight about fire safety than a cover featuring children running away from a burning bad lighter, candle, firecracker, and match.
21. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
Seriously, why should that girl even be on the cover? Anne of Green Gables wasn’t a girl in a joke about the farmer’s daughters. Also, she’s supposed to be a plucky redheaded girl not Daisy Duke’s cousin.
I’m sure these books are decent for girls since they were written for them. It’s just that the publishers thought it would be a good idea to have some girl from a country music video pose for the cover.
22. Hiroshima No Pika by Toshi Maruki
Now the atomic bomb blasts on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were horrible events in our history but why would anyone think it’s a good idea for a children’s book? Also, what’s with the topless woman on the cover and the blood spattering? This is disturbing.
Finally a book for children about the atomic bomb blasts at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Great for giving kids nightmares at bedtime.
23. Give Baldy Your Tit: What to Do with It Now that It’s Out by Omerta Hickey
This is a pretty terrible title and insensitive title for a book on baby care. Seriously, “Give Baldy Your Tit” seems what some guy would say at a stripper joint or something.
According to the title, it appears as if it’s a book on baby care as written by a frat boy using a woman’s name as a pseudonym.
24. Sexy Food for Seniors by Lorraine
I mean those two things making out on the cover seem to have human heads and cornucopia bodies for some reason. Also, what’s with the “Sexy Food for Seniors” thing? I mean food isn’t supposed to be sexy nor or are senior citizens either.
Now what the hell are those things on the covers?
25. Shag Tae Pony and Other Stories by Peter Crabbe
I know the author probably intended to have the word “shag” contain any sexual connotations. Yet, thanks to Austin Powers in the 1990s, this title now is likened to bestiality.
Who the fuck names their pony Shag? Or is it shag the pony? Oh, dear.
26. Armed America: Portraits of American Gun Owners in Their Homes by Kyle Cassidy
Now I suppose the couple on the cover are very nice people despite that they own a couple of assault weapons and see nothing wrong with sitting with them for a photograph in front of their 3 year old kid. Just lovely! Hope that kid doesn’t grow up to shoot up a high school because I know exactly what guns he’ll use.
Great! Now a coffee table book filled with photos of American families that scare me.
27. Cranford by Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell
Actually despite the cover image, Cranford is really a 1853 novel about 2 unmarried sisters in England. Yeah, other than fire, none what’s featured in the cover is actually in the book because it takes place in the freaking 19th century.
Of course, a book cover like this is bound to leave many teenage boys who buy this very disappointed that Cranford isn’t a science fiction novel that pertains to a dystopian society.
28. A Day in the Life of Canada by David Cohen
Actually I think what that girl is wearing is a First Holy Communion dress not a bridal gown or at least I hope so. Still, I wonder why is she holding a baseball bat instead of a hockey stick I can’t be sure. And why are the boy’s shorts so short? This is a terrible cover design.
Hey, I didn’t know they had child brides in Canada.
29. I Found a Dead Bird: The Kids’ Guide to the Cycle of Life and Death by Jan Thornhill
Seriously, I know that teaching kids about death is important. Still, it doesn’t help that they have to put a dead hummingbird on the cover. Of course, when it came to finding dead birds while I was a kid, my parents would usually say things like, “don’t touch” or “don’t go anywhere near it because it make you sick.”
Now here is a book that teaches kids about death in perhaps one of the sickest ways possible.
30. Kids Are Americans Too by Bill O’Reilly and Charles Flowers
Of course, only serial killers and teachers write in that kind of font featured on the cover. Also, knowing that O’Reilly is an asshole on Fox News, it would be best to keep him away from your kids and I’m sure his book is certainly full of shit. Besides, most kids aren’t interested in right wing political talk shows anyway, I hope.
Note: It now comes a time that Bill O’Reilly doesn’t really believe this 100% of the time, especially if those kids were from Latin American countries like El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras.
31. I Knocked Up Satan’s Daughter by Carlton Mellick III
Of course, this book is labeled “A Demonic Romantic Comedy.” Yet, I’m sure most guys in that situation would think it was a living Hell on Earth, especially if her dad was Satan. I mean she’s a red demon with horns and tail so the guy in the story should’ve known better.
I’m sure if you knocked up Satan’s daughter, you wouldn’t be in a good position. Let’s just say your life would be a literal Hell.
32. Lumberjack in Love by Penny Watson
Sure the lumberjack on the cover may be a hunky man who many women would find attractive. Yet, it seems that he also has a habit of beheading his lovers with an axe, which I think he’s going to do to this blonde woman soon. Seriously, this cover is messed up!
Don’t look now, but I don’t think the lumberjack is in love with the woman on the cover.
33. Murder in the Hellfire Club by David Zochert
I don’t think Ben Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club despite his reputation as a ladies man. But still, having him on a lightning bolt while seeing a bunch of wigged gentlemen engage in debauchery is actually quite funny to see.
Featuring Ben Franklin sliding down a lightning shaped bannister.
34. The Moose with Loose Poops by Charlotte Cowan M. D.
Seriously, this idea pertaining to using woodland creatures for bathroom activities has to stop. Also, why does that kid moose have antlers already? I mean male moose calves don’t have them yet.
Great! Now there’s a children’s book about moose bowel movements. Wonder if they should consult the Charmin bears.
35. Eating People Is Wrong by Malcolm Bradbury
Still, you have to love the pictures depicting people on plates being presented as dinner. Sure it’s sick but it’s just so damn funny. I wonder if this book was written for laughs since we know that most cases of cannibalism usually pertain to desperate people in areas with very few edible things available like the Donner Party.
Of course, I didn’t have to read this to know that cannibalism is wrong.
36. One Two Three Pull! by Sophie Schmid and Sabine PrawlI
Still, whatever the rabbit may be doing to the chicken, I don’t think the chicken likes it one bit. Yet, then again, it may not be what it looks like I hope.
Just a harmless children’s book or I hope that the rabbit isn’t doing anything terrible to the chicken.
37. My Parents Open Carry by Brian Jeffs and Nathan Nephew
Not surprisingly, this cover illustration is kind of creepy as if the girl and her family seem to want to kill you on site if you anger them. Yeah, I’m sure the girl’s parents are perfectly harmless people (no way in hell). Also, this idea was conceived when the two authors couldn’t find any pro-gun children’s books. Well, no shit, Sherlock, because guns are dangerous things and open carry is a lifestyle that should never be promoted in a kids’ book. I mean there’s nothing responsible and safe about open carry and all it’s going to do is to make people afraid of you.
Here’s a children’s book about a kid asking people to accept her parent’s scary behavior that shouldn’t be encouraged at all. I mean you wouldn’t want your kids to read a book promoting drugs, smoking, and alcohol. The idea of a children’s book encouraging open carry is absolutely insane.
38. Lord of Thunder by Andre Norton
I wonder if this cover design either pertains to the story or just consists of a bunch of stuff that the cover artist thought would look very cool. I mean, a cat about to devour a spaceship, that’s fucked up. And what the hell is a bald eagle doing here?
Man, I sure hope that spaceship doesn’t get eaten by that giant evil cat.
39. Satan Was a Lesbian by Fred Haley
Now if Satan was a lesbian, he’d have to be a woman who likes chicks. This cover shows Satan as a guy who seems to delight in watching threesomes engaging in S&M stuff. For God’s sake he’s depicted with a mustache, goatee, and bare chest. If that doesn’t say that Satan isn’t a lesbian, I don’t know what is.
From what the cover shows of Satan, it sure as hell doesn’t look like it to me.
40. The Turn of the Screw by Henry James
I’m sure handymen buying this edition would be greatly disappointed that this Henry James classic is a gothic horror story of messed up proportions. It has nothing to do with nuts, bolts, wrenches, or anything else found in a toolbox.
So it’s about tools right?
41. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
A Frankenstein cover with the Boris Karloff as the monster would’ve been a more appropriate cover design. Seriously, Frankenstein has been made into a movie several times already. Nobody thinks about warrior knights in regards to Frankenstein, nobody.
I’m sure Frankenstein isn’t about some medieval swordsman climbing some alien mountain since it takes place in the 19th century.
42. The Shining by Stephen King
The cover designers could’ve easily used Jack Nicholson saying “Here’s Johnny!” for the book cover image. The creepy twin girls from the hotel is another good one. Having a blond woman in a warm weather backdrop on the cover is just very inexcusable.
Of course, when people think about the famous Stephen King novel, I’m sure a sexy blond with a bad haircut from the 1980s doesn’t come into mind.
43. On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman
Of course, if this book were written for polar bears, this could be titled On the Night You Were Conceived. Yet, I’m not sure if the polar bear dancing would break the ice quite literally. Also, there’s global warming to worry about.
What the hell is it with the polar bears dancing in the moonlight? Seriously, why?
44. The Vampire’s Vacation by Ron Roy
Seriously, I thought that a sunny beach location would be one of the worst vacation destinations for vampires since they tend to disintegrate in the hot sun. I mean why would vampires would want to travel to such beach destinations anyway?
I didn’t know Hawaii was a popular vacation destination for vampires.
45. Scream Street: Heart of the Mummy by Tommy Donbavand
Seriously, as the cover depicts, the mummy in this book seems to have illuminating genitalia that he’s putting on display. Yet, one person doesn’t really seem impressed here.
Or as I call it Scream Street: Crotch of the Mummy since I can’t tell what’s illuminating from the mummy when he’s sitting down but the light seems to come from between its legs.
46. A Girl’s Best Friend by John Kellerman
Sure a dog may be a girl’s best friend but this image is kind of disturbing and sort of suggest that they may be more than friends. Of course, this is known as bestiality and animal abuse.
More like a girl’s best friend with benefits from what you can tell by the cover.
47. Impact for Murder by Cheri Galbiati
Of course, having a dog on a cover kind it makes me less likely to take this book seriously. I mean why do that? It just makes a book like this a joke.
Let’s see, I’m sure hurricane footage and German shepherds in wreckage are what I think about when I read murder mysteries.
48. The Girl from Las Vegas by J. M. Flynn
Seriously, she may be a very attractive woman who won’t hesitate to shoot people. Yet, those ugly dungarees totally kill the mood. I mean they’re more suited for old men at the golf course than half-dressed pin ups with guns.
Or why James Bond turned a sexy woman with a gun because of her ugly pants.
49. Night and Day by Virginia Woolf
Seriously, this is a work of classic literature not a trashy novel. Not to mention, it takes place in the early 20th century when women weren’t wearing dresses like that or their hair flowing. I mean why would a cover designer do this?
I’m sure the heroine in this story wasn’t a trashy spy unlike what the cover depicts.
50. Sewer, Gas, & Electric by Mark Ruff
I think this cover was designed by someone on a profound acid trip. I don’t think that none of these things on the cover have much to do with each other, let alone basic utilities.
Since when do basic utilities have anything to do with polka dot submarines, Roman columns, sharks, sun dials, or the World Trade Center?
51. The Doctor’s Dilemma by Janet Lane Walters
Let me just say I wouldn’t trust any baby with this man. Seems like the kind of guy who’d kill the babies for a Satanic ritual in his basement. That or a kind of guy who does taxidermy and has his mother as a skeleton in a dress.
From how I see it, it’s probably about a creepy psycho killing doctor who must decide whether to raise the two babies on his own or kill them.
52. Mind Pump: The Psychology of Bodybuilding by Tom Kubistant EdD.
Still, we need to realize that body builders aren’t the most healthy individuals around physically or psychologically. In fact, they’re just the opposite. Sure they may have bulging muscles but these guys are absolutely obsessed with their appearance and take a lot of steroids. Also, this guy has a mullet which is a terrible 1980s hairstyle.
I’m sure using telepathy to lift weights is going to bring great results. Actually it could kill you when they fall on your head.
53. Fellow Fags by Ethel Talbot
Seriously, you know how inappropriate the title is by today’s standards. Nowadays “fag” is basically short for a pejorative slur directed at gay men. Yet, these guys playing soccer in the title don’t seem to have a problem calling each other “fellow fags” for some reason.
Considered as a book, “for kids, aged six to sixteen, by the Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge and Sheldon Press, London.” Of course, seeing the title I would’ve imagine it being about a bunch of gay soccer players.
54. That None Should Die by Frank G. Slaughter
According to one website’s interpretation, the doctor is: a. preparing to shoot the newborn at the ceiling like a rubberband b. preparing to make “newborn tea” c. deciding whether to keep it or throw it back d. looking way too long and hard at the baby’s genital region, or e. so handsome that nobody cares what he’s actually doing. I might want to suggest f. all of the above. Also, I hope those baby’s blue markings are pen marks by some person trying to deface it.
Says here it’s, “the story of a doctor whose ideals proved stronger than any temptation.” Could I say that certain temptation may be bloodlust? Because I don’t like how he’s looking at that baby.
55. The Manly Art of Knitting by Dan Fougner
We don’t really associate the art of knitting with the lives of the cowboys but I’m sure everybody must have a hobby. This might especially be the case when you’re on your horse for 18 hours but I don’t see it.
I’m sure we all yearn for the days when the lone cowboy roamed the range while scarves for his doagies.
56. Will-O-the Wisp by Thomas Burnett Swan
Hmm, either this is science fiction/fantasy and/or insect on human erotica. Still, the naked red haired woman’s throws of physical ecstasy on the giant insect, suggests that this may be a rather disturbing relationship between them.
This a blatant attempt to sell to teenage boys but what this naked redhead is doing on top of a giant insect, we’ll never know.
57. Dead Pet: Send Your Best Little Buddy Off in Style by Andrew Kirk and Jane Moseley
I know that the loss of a pet is perhaps one of the first sad moments a child will experience. Yet, this image of a dead cat on a rocket makes a child delightfully looking forward to his or her furry friend’s demise. Still, I can’t help but laugh.
A kind of book you can give your kids when you’re thinking about putting Fluffy to sleep. I mean at least they can look forward to launching his corpse up in the sky.
58. How to Raise Your I. Q. by Eating Gifted Children by Lewis Burke Frumkes
Hmm..didn’t know that cannibals had their own form of brain food. Still, this is just too much.
I hear this book says that mathletes are delicious.
59. Servants of the Wankh by Jack Vance
Of course, the word “wank” is a British expression for male genitalia. And yet, this is a sci-fi book probably geared for boys, not a porno at least that’s what the cover tells me.
All hail to the tiny toad king held by the man with a trapezoidial head.
60. Double Penetrator: Tokyo Purple/Northwest Contract by Chet Cunningham
Sure, calling a vigilante hero “the Penetrator” may seem cool at first but understand that the word “penetrate” is a verb used in regards to sexual intercourse. Also, it doesn’t really help that he looks like a half-crazed Freddie Mercury either. Perhaps this may be a self-insertion fic for Anthony Weiner.
I’m sure when I hear of the Penetrator, I think of a 1970s porn stached vigilante gun man. Yeah, right.