Hail to the Chief US Presidential Portraits

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Since Presidents’ Day is around the corner, I thought it would be best to commemorate the occasion with a list of presidential artwork as much as the eye could see. Since the US constitution was ratified, we had a string of forty-three US presidents  who left their mark of leadership on this country for good and for ill. Of course, I could go all day including the official presidential portraits but that would be boring. Instead, I’ll go for a much more interesting fare, something not much presidential and more in a non-traditional manner. So without further adieu, here is your updated gallery of presidential portraits like you’ve never seen them before.

1. George Washington- See the Father of Our Country juxtaposed with the Terminator and, yes, he will be back.

He may be first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, but he will certainly lead a revolution on your ass with that gun of his.

He may be first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, but he will certainly lead a revolution on your ass with that gun of his.

2. John Adams- Caught writing in the margins of his books. Too bad he didn’t use pencil instead.

Still, I hope it's not a book he'll have to return to the library. Because he'll have to pay for it for being defaced.

Still, I hope it’s not a book he’ll have to return to the library. Because he’ll have to pay for it for being defaced.

3. Thomas Jefferson- Here he is showing the Declaration of Independence in front of gorillas.

Of course, gorillas can't read and wouldn't understand what the Declaration of Independence would mean.

Of course, gorillas can’t read and wouldn’t understand what the Declaration of Independence would mean.

4. James Madison- In Lord of War wearing a regular suit. Granted he’s actually one of our nation’s most underrated presidents and Father of our Constitution.

Would've been better if there were a burning White House in the background but I kind of had to make do. Of course, British did set fire to the White House during his presidency I kid you not.

Would’ve been better if there were a burning White House in the background but I kind of had to make do. Of course, British did set fire to the White House during his presidency I kid you not.

5. James Monroe- Carrying ham for dinner. Of course, he did issue the Monroe Doctrine, too, and was very popular in his day that they call his term “The Era of Good Feelings.” Also, I’ve actually visited his grave, by the way, which is in a cage.

Though he was a significant president, his tomb kind of seems hardly what you'd expect from a former US president. Still, he's interred in a cage.

Though he was a significant president, his tomb kind of seems hardly what you’d expect from a former US president. Still, he’s interred in a cage.

6. John Quincy Adams- Sporting long white mutton chops like a senior citizen werewolf. Kind of intense, too.

Hey, at least I didn't post a picture of Anthony Hopkins playing him in Amistad. Also, he liked to swim in the nude and has his clothes snatched by a reporter.

Hey, at least I didn’t post a picture of Anthony Hopkins playing him in Amistad. Also, he liked to swim in the nude and has his clothes snatched by a reporter.

7. Andrew Jackson- No alien should want to get in a duel with him.

It's said that he had such a filthy mouth that his pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral. Also, had a reputation for being rather aggressive and played dirty politics. Not to mention, some of his policies were highly questionable such as nixing the US Bank and Indian Removal.

It’s said that he had such a filthy mouth that his pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral. Also, had a reputation for being rather aggressive and played dirty politics. Not to mention, some of his policies were highly questionable such as nixing the US Bank and Indian Removal.

8. Martin Van Buren- His hairstyle is to die for, especially if it’s in funky colors.

Will always be remembered for his facial hair but was hardly a remarkable president.

Will always be remembered for his facial hair but was hardly a remarkable president.

9. William Henry Harrison- Though the hero of Tippecanoe, he was only president for 30 days before succumbing to a pneumonia. Also, ran a false campaign saying he was born in a log cabin though his dad had signed The Declaration of Independence.Still, I wouldn’t say he was an attractive fellow with his long schnozz.

Well, what can I say, the man was dead in thirty days? Note: Don't plan on reciting a long inauguration speech on a rainy day.

Well, what can I say, the man was dead in thirty days? Note: Don’t plan on reciting a long inauguration speech on a rainy day.

10. John Tyler- This is a picture of him in his younger years. Not bad. However, he’d go on to be universally hated by everyone in his party during his presidency but at least he kind of helped establish who takes over after the president dies. Fathered 15 kids with his youngest daughter living into the Truman administration as well as betrayed his country towards the end for the Confederacy. I’ve seen his grave as well, I think.

By his physical description, I’m sure his kids made good with his genetics. Still, many did consider him a turd though. And his grave has a bust of him. Known to be the first guy to declare himself president after his predecessor died which cleared up matters tremendously.

11. James K. Polk- Depicted as a zombie. Granted we did have the Mexican War under him as well as gained a great deal of territory. Did everything he said he would, unlike many presidents.

Has a voracious appetite for brains, usually consisting of dead soldiers from the Mexican Wars. Of course, they weren't the freshest around by that time.

Has a voracious appetite for brains, usually consisting of dead soldiers from the Mexican Wars. Of course, they weren’t the freshest around by that time.

12. Zachary Taylor- On a very bad hair day. I mean Old Rough and Ready is more like Old Fluff and Ready.

And does he look gorgeous in that fro? And how. Sadly, he died a little over a year in office.

And does he look gorgeous in that fro? And how. Sadly, he died a little over a year in office.

13. Millard Fillmore- With the Shepard Fairey treatment. Still, this guy had a lot of quirks, signed the Fugitive Slave Act, and helped found The Know Nothing Party which was nativist and Anti-Catholic.

Yet, he was a Whig even though he's said to be a complete weirdo and/or turd.

Yet, he was a Whig even though he’s said to be a complete weirdo and/or turd.

14. Franklin Pierce- Depicted as a snazzy redhead. Known for having the first Christmas Tree in the White House. However, was seen as a pro-slavery Democrat from New Hampshire, a drunk, and one of the worst presidents ever. The fact he saw Bleeding Kansas under his presidency doesn’t help matters either.

Of course, he did have nice hair, even though he was a terrible president from the Granite State. Said to have fallen off his horse during the Mexican Wars as well as a hero "of many a well fought bottle."

Of course, he did have nice hair, even though he was a terrible president from the Granite State. Said to have fallen off his horse during the Mexican Wars as well as a hero “of many a well fought bottle.” Still, a very deeply unlucky man.

15. James Buchanan- Sure he’s from Pennsylvania and might’ve been gay, but he’s one of the worst presidents we ever had whose administration oversaw the United States divided in two. Also, though unmarried, wasn’t very attractive.

Said to have been sent to Russia so no one would have to deal with him. Last words were "History will vindicate me." It didn't. Considered the worst president and an embarrassment to Pennsylvania (besides Tom Corbett).

Said to have been sent to Russia so no one would have to deal with him. Last words were “History will vindicate me.” It didn’t. Considered the worst president and an embarrassment to Pennsylvania (besides Tom Corbett).

16. Abraham Lincoln- The Great Emancipator rides a bear carrying an AK-47.

Of course, this is a guy with a whole list of presidential accomplishments and might be considered the best. Just wait until they see his Gettysburg Address.

Of course, this is a guy with a whole list of presidential accomplishments and might be considered the best who helped free the slaves and save the Union through whatever means necessary. His role in winning it made the US a stronger nation than before in the long term. Just wait until they see his Gettysburg Address.

17. Andrew Johnson- Doesn’t look very happy. A self-made man and Southern Unionist, he didn’t care much for Southern aristocrats or blacks either so he wasn’t a fan of Reconstruction. Was impeached for firing a cabinet member and since the Radical Republicans simply didn’t like him, but survived by just one vote.

Believe it or not his wife (who he married as a teenager) taught him to read and write. He may have shared some of Lincoln's views but had none of his warm personality.

Believe it or not his wife (who he married as a teenager) taught him to read and write (who he probably owes much of his career to for he wouldn’t have gone very far without her). He may have shared some of Lincoln’s views but had none of his warm personality. Of course, my eastern Tennessee ancestors would’ve shared attitudes similar to him since I had a 3rd great grandfather from Tennessee who fought for the Union (along with a few of his brothers).

18. Ulysses S. Grant- Seen here with sunglasses and a can of Folgers after a night getting drunk on just two drinks (actually it was his cigar smoking that killed him). Still, he was a masterful military general who was ahead of his time (him and Sherman are said to be the first 20th century generals) who did win the US Civil War. Also, was said to be a very well liked president despite it being the 1870s who traveled the world after leaving office, wrote an autobiography, as well as one of the biggest presidential funerals ever. Not to mention, he has awesome tomb in New York my mom didn’t know even existed.

Of course, Grant probably didn't wear sunglasses but he sure could've used them. Still, if I ever get the chance to go to New York City, I will visit his tomb.

Of course, Grant probably didn’t wear sunglasses but he sure could’ve used them. Still, if I ever get the chance to go to New York City, I will visit his tomb. Held a lot of modern views and aggressively treated the KKK as the terrorists they were.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes- Seen as a weary old man with an awesome long beard. Won the presidency by just one vote and didn’t serve any booze in the White House. Had nine kids with his wife who he met in college (really and they both had graduated, too).

Still, he's better remembered in Paraguay. Not mention, his ending of Reconstruction had a lot of negative repercussions for blacks (like segregation). Called "Rutherfraud" or "His Fraudulency" by his enemies.

Still, he’s better remembered in Paraguay. Not mention, his ending of Reconstruction had a lot of negative repercussions for blacks (like segregation). Called “Rutherfraud” or “His Fraudulency” by his enemies.

20. James A. Garfield- Not to be confused with the cat, this guy was best known for being shot at the train station by a disgruntled office seeker. Could’ve been saved if if he had been treated by modern medicine and if Alexander Graham Bell’s metal detector had found the bullet. Awesome beard though.

They said he may have made a decent president, if he hadn't have gotten shot. Still, he was right to refuse the guy who would eventually kill him since the man was crazy.

They said he may have made a decent president, if he hadn’t have gotten shot. Still, he was right to refuse the guy who would eventually kill him since the man was crazy.

21. Chester A. Arthur- The president with the awesome whiskers who brought down the spoils system after being a beneficiary of it almost all his life (of course, since his predecessor was shot by a disgruntled office seeker, it’s understandable why he’d change his position).

Also said to be a natty dresser and work six hour days. However, he did get a lot done in his term. Not to mention, there were rumors about him being born in Canada which are certainly not true (he was born in Vermont).

Also said to be a natty dresser and work six hour days. However, he did get a lot done in his term. Not to mention, there were rumors about him being born in Canada which are certainly not true (he was born in Vermont). Didn’t serve a second term because of his health but he was rather popular in his lifetime.

22 & 24. Grover Cleveland- Depicted as a Sesame Street character. Served 2 non-consecutive terms, married his ward in the White House, admitted he fathered an illegitimate child (more like taking one for the team), and was said to be underrated according to Libertarians (odd for a Democrat but he’s said to oppose unions). Also, his daughter had a candy bar named after her called the Baby Ruth (according to some but probably not).

Contrary to the name and picture, Grover Cleveland has nothing to do with Sesame Street or Ohio.

Contrary to the name and picture, Grover Cleveland has nothing to do with Sesame Street or Ohio.

23. Benjamin Harrison- Grandson of William Henry Harrison and was probably elected because of his awesome beard. However, he and his wife were afraid of electricity and he had such an icy personality that Cleveland was voted back in.Seen on a horse in his Civil War years.

Then again, Cleveland was a draft dodger while he actually fought. Also was called "The Human Iceberg." Had two possums named Mr. Protection and Mr. Reciprocity.

Then again, Cleveland was a draft dodger while he actually fought. Also was called “The Human Iceberg.” Had two possums named Mr. Protection and Mr. Reciprocity.

25. William McKinley- President during the Spanish American War and the first year of the 20th century. Appointed Teddy Roosevelt as his vice president so his party members could keep him out of the way. After winning reelection, gets assassinated by an anarchist. Here’s his campaign poster.

Prosperity for the 1% anyway yet he did help the US achieve world power status. Ironically was assassinated next to an X-Ray machine that could've saved his life.

Prosperity for the 1% anyway yet he did help the US achieve world power status. Ironically was assassinated next to an X-Ray machine that could’ve saved his life.

26. Teddy Roosevelt- Hunts Bigfoot and shoots him dead.

And this is why no one has ever found Bigfoot. Still, he's one of the most badass presidents ever with long list of accomplishments and a colorful personality and family to boot. Has a cuddly toy named after him.

And this is why no one has ever found Bigfoot. Still, he’s one of the most badass presidents ever with long list of accomplishments and a colorful personality and family to boot. Has a cuddly toy named after him.

27. William Howard Taft- Had a rather disappointing administration as far as Teddy Roosevelt is concerned that he ran against him on the Progressive Party during 1912. Best known for being so fat to get stuck in a bath tub and having to install a new one which could fit 4 people. Became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court after leaving office.

And here's him eating Valentine's Day chocolates from his White House bathtub. Would've been easier to design a shower stall instead.

And here’s him eating Valentine’s Day chocolates from his White House bathtub. Would’ve been easier to design a shower stall instead.

28. Woodrow Wilson- Stern, racist, and intellectual, he was a visionary for formation of the United Nations and help start the Federal Reserve (you’d have to give him credit on that). Not to mention, he did try to have Germany be treated decently (Germany getting the shaft was Clemenceau’s not Wilson’s). Also, led our country during WWI and his administration saw women getting the right to vote for the first time as well as the beginning of Prohibition and income tax. Wasn’t one of the best presidents but hardly one of the worst.

The League of Nations was actually one of his good ideas. Yet, this wasn't well received in the US and the Senate refused member recognition.

The League of Nations was actually one of his good ideas. Yet, this wasn’t well received in the US and the Senate refused member recognition.

29. Warren G. Harding- Smoked and partied at the White House. Administration oversaw Teapot Dome (the worst US political scandal before Watergate, which oversaw the incarceration of a US cabinet member). Had mistresses but probably fathered no illegitimate children (he was sterile contrary to what Boardwalk Empire says). Dies three years in under mysterious circumstances.

Probably unfit to be president and all too trusting. Yet, his personal habits with alcohol did show how Prohibition was a bad idea. Oh, but it was the 1920s.

Probably unfit to be president and all too trusting. Yet, his personal habits with alcohol did show how Prohibition was a bad idea. Oh, but it was the 1920s.

30. Calvin Coolidge- Sworn in by his old man (a justice of the peace) while staying in his New England home. Was so laissez-faire that his economic policies might’ve been responsible for the Stock Market Crash of 1929 (which might make him a grandfather of Reaganomics but not in a good way). Was a man of few words who didn’t let his wife wear pants.

Sure, he may be one of the nice silent types, but he did help make the Roaring Twenties roar. However, his opposition to granting federal aid in all forms ended, especially when he should've. Not to mention, signed a racist immigration policy.

Sure, he may be one of the nice silent types, but he did help make the Roaring Twenties roar. However, his opposition to granting federal aid in all forms ended, especially when he should’ve. Not to mention, signed a racist immigration policy.

31. Herbert Hoover- Of course, while seen as a very smart man with an equally smart wife who can speak Chinese as well as seen a great humanitarian during the 1920s, he was a fairly lousy president given the circumstances. I mean the Great Depression happened under his watch and what he did do didn’t amount to much (with the exception of Hoover Dam).

In some ways, he's kind of the Republican's version of Jimmy Carter. Of course, he might have done all right but just didn't have the knack of taking a grasp of the situation in his term. He's proof that sometimes businessmen don't make good presidents.

In some ways, he’s kind of the Republican’s version of Jimmy Carter. Of course, he might have done all right but just didn’t have the knack of taking a grasp of the situation in his term. He’s proof that sometimes businessmen don’t make good presidents.

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt- Encapsulated in a transformer so who wants to mess with him now?

Forget Captain America, I want FDR Prime on my side. Take that Hitlertron! Besides, many of his New Deal policies are still around today and he did help lead our country into World War II. Also, had King George VI eat a hotdog.

Forget Captain America, I want FDR Prime on my side. Take that Hitlertron! Besides, many of his New Deal policies are still around today and he did help lead our country into World War II. Also, had King George VI eat a hotdog.

33. Harry S. Truman- Here one of our great self-made men and ultimate smart aleck sports a zoot suit to emphasize that “The buck stops here, Daddy-O.”

The only president to use nuclear weapons. He helped implement the Marshall Plan as well as fire MacArthur (which needed to be done). "The Dewey Defeats Truman" headline is particularly ironic (since he pounded the guy by a landslide for being much more likeable.)

The only president to use nuclear weapons. He helped implement the Marshall Plan, desegregate the military, as well as fire MacArthur (which needed to be done). “The Dewey Defeats Truman” headline is particularly ironic (since he pounded the guy by a landslide for being much more likeable.)

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower- Supreme Allied Commander during WWII, Commander of NATO, saw the worst of the Cold War, the beginnings of the Civil Rights Movement, the Vietnam War, and modern Middle East politics. Appointed Nixon as vice president. Best known for his bald head.

The last great Republican president, as far as I'm concerned. Of course, he did help end the Korean War for now but a lot of terrible shit did happen during his presidency like the Red Scare.

The last great Republican president, as far as I’m concerned. Of course, he did help end the Korean War for now but a lot of terrible shit did happen during his presidency like the Red Scare.

35. John F. Kennedy- On a moon riding a robotic unicorn with a laser horn.

"Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country. Now use your laser horn of death, Robosparkles"- JFK Also, don't ask me about his assassination or any conspiracy surrounding it. Let's not go there.

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country. Now use your laser horn of death, Robosparkles!”- JFK Also, don’t ask me about his assassination or any conspiracy surrounding it. Let’s not go there.

36. Lyndon B. Johnson- Probably now laughing in his grave knowing that all the young people who complained about him for escalating the Vietnam War are now on Medicare. Not to mention, signed a lot of Civil Rights legislation which would later cost his party the South (explaining why many Southerners are now Republican). Has a long list of accomplishments and stories.

LBJ: Living in his Great Society programs and under effects of his Civil Rights legislation whether you like it or not. Also, he's known to be very weird at times.

LBJ: Living in his Great Society programs and under effects of his Civil Rights legislation whether you like it or not. Also, he’s known to be very weird at times.

37. Richard M. Nixon- See Tricky Dick wrestle a saber-tooth tiger. Of course, he’ll do it through his dirty tricks since he was pretty much an asshole.

Between the two of them, I'd root for the Sabertooth. I mean the guy's certainly a crook who'd do almost anything to win. Not to mention, he tried to pull many dirty tricks on his enemies.

Between the two of them, I’d root for the Sabertooth. I mean the guy’s certainly a crook who’d do almost anything to win. Not to mention, he tried to pull many dirty tricks on his enemies.

38. Gerald R. Ford- Played college football, worked as a model, and pardoned Nixon (to some people’s chagrin). Wife is more famous than him since she spread awareness about breast cancer and alcoholism.

Possibly one of the ugliest busts of a president I've ever seen. Hate to say this but it makes Gerry look like a space alien.

Possibly one of the ugliest busts of a president I’ve ever seen. Hate to say this but it makes Gerry look like a space alien.

39. Jimmy Carter- His heart was in the right place but wasn’t the best president though he did set some good examples like the White House Solar Panels. Also, helped bring peace between Israel and Egypt (which may now be in jeopardy). More memorable as an ex-president though.

Look, Georgia, as lame as Carter may be as a president, he's still less of an embarrassment than Pierce or Buchanan. I mean the guy travels to Third World countries to dig latrines for villages. Also, I don't know what to make of this artwork.

Look, Georgia, as lame as Carter may be as a president, he’s still less of an embarrassment than Pierce or Buchanan. I mean the guy travels to Third World countries to dig latrines for villages. Also, I don’t know what to make of this artwork.

40. Ronald Reagan- The Gipper rides and causes a shooting spree on his velocipede. Of course, don’t forget to duck. Also, don’t mention Iran Contra and the Savings and Loans scandals either. He doesn’t like that.

Look, I may not like Reagan, but I think this image does some justice for his fans. Still, he's an overrated president who did make his mistakes. Also, his policies didn't bring the end of the Cold War which was set to end anyway and even he realized that Reaganomics wasn't good for the economy.

Look, I may not like Reagan, but I think this image does some justice for his fans. Still, he’s an overrated president who did make his mistakes. Also, his policies didn’t bring the end of the Cold War which was set to end anyway and even he realized that Reaganomics wasn’t good for the economy.

41. George H. W. Bush- As a zombie who wants everyone to “Read my lips, no new taxes. Now give me your brains.”

By seeing him like this, it's understandable why his president was Dan Quayle. Because Quayle had no brains to eat as well as served as a viable protection against would-be assassins.

By seeing him like this, it’s understandable why his president was Dan Quayle. Because Quayle had no brains to eat as well as served as a viable protection against would-be assassins.

42. Bill Clinton- In the midst of utter turmoil with an intern by his side, Slick Willy protects America from the threat of hostile corporate giant Ronald McDonald.

Clinton may not be a perfect guy but he's a Rhodes Scholar with an equally amazing wife. Not to mention, you really can't help but like the man.

Clinton may not be a perfect guy but he’s a Rhodes Scholar with an equally amazing wife. Not to mention, you really can’t help but like the man.

43. George W. Bush- Sucking the blood from the Statue of Liberty’s neck with his fangs.

Hey, it could be worse, could be one of the sparkly vampires from Twilight. At least he doesn't sparkle. Still, there's no way I can depict this guy favorably. There are hundreds of reasons why I dislike him and his presidency that I don't want to put down since it's a long list.

Hey, it could be worse, could be one of the sparkly vampires from Twilight. At least he doesn’t sparkle. Still, there’s no way I can depict this guy favorably. There are hundreds of reasons why I dislike him and his presidency that I don’t want to put down since it’s a long list.

44. Barack Obama- Riding on a lion armed with a crossbow and light saber, Barry is no man to mess with.

Now here's change I can believe in. Still, like him or not, he's better than Bush in comparison. At least he got Bin Laden, get healthcare passed, end the Iraq War, and helped avoid war with Syria. Not to mention, he does look very badass on the lion which looks very hungry for John Boehner.

Now here’s change I can believe in. Still, like him or not, he’s better than Bush in comparison. At least he got Bin Laden, get healthcare passed, end the Iraq War, and helped avoid war with Syria. Not to mention, he does look very badass on the lion which looks very hungry for John Boehner.

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2 responses to “Hail to the Chief US Presidential Portraits

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