Since Presidents’ Day is around the corner, I thought it would be best to commemorate the occasion with a list of presidential artwork as much as the eye could see. Since the US constitution was ratified, we had a string of forty-three US presidents who left their mark of leadership on this country for good and for ill. Of course, I could go all day including the official presidential portraits but that would be boring. Instead, I’ll go for a much more interesting fare, something not much presidential and more in a non-traditional manner. So without further adieu, here is your updated gallery of presidential portraits like you’ve never seen them before.
1. George Washington- See the Father of Our Country juxtaposed with the Terminator and, yes, he will be back.
2. John Adams- Caught writing in the margins of his books. Too bad he didn’t use pencil instead.
3. Thomas Jefferson- Here he is showing the Declaration of Independence in front of gorillas.
4. James Madison- In Lord of War wearing a regular suit. Granted he’s actually one of our nation’s most underrated presidents and Father of our Constitution.
5. James Monroe- Carrying ham for dinner. Of course, he did issue the Monroe Doctrine, too, and was very popular in his day that they call his term “The Era of Good Feelings.” Also, I’ve actually visited his grave, by the way, which is in a cage.
6. John Quincy Adams- Sporting long white mutton chops like a senior citizen werewolf. Kind of intense, too.
7. Andrew Jackson- No alien should want to get in a duel with him.
8. Martin Van Buren- His hairstyle is to die for, especially if it’s in funky colors.
9. William Henry Harrison- Though the hero of Tippecanoe, he was only president for 30 days before succumbing to a pneumonia. Also, ran a false campaign saying he was born in a log cabin though his dad had signed The Declaration of Independence.Still, I wouldn’t say he was an attractive fellow with his long schnozz.
10. John Tyler- This is a picture of him in his younger years. Not bad. However, he’d go on to be universally hated by everyone in his party during his presidency but at least he kind of helped establish who takes over after the president dies. Fathered 15 kids with his youngest daughter living into the Truman administration as well as betrayed his country towards the end for the Confederacy. I’ve seen his grave as well, I think.
11. James K. Polk- Depicted as a zombie. Granted we did have the Mexican War under him as well as gained a great deal of territory. Did everything he said he would, unlike many presidents.
12. Zachary Taylor- On a very bad hair day. I mean Old Rough and Ready is more like Old Fluff and Ready.
13. Millard Fillmore- With the Shepard Fairey treatment. Still, this guy had a lot of quirks, signed the Fugitive Slave Act, and helped found The Know Nothing Party which was nativist and Anti-Catholic.
14. Franklin Pierce- Depicted as a snazzy redhead. Known for having the first Christmas Tree in the White House. However, was seen as a pro-slavery Democrat from New Hampshire, a drunk, and one of the worst presidents ever. The fact he saw Bleeding Kansas under his presidency doesn’t help matters either.
15. James Buchanan- Sure he’s from Pennsylvania and might’ve been gay, but he’s one of the worst presidents we ever had whose administration oversaw the United States divided in two. Also, though unmarried, wasn’t very attractive.
16. Abraham Lincoln- The Great Emancipator rides a bear carrying an AK-47.
17. Andrew Johnson- Doesn’t look very happy. A self-made man and Southern Unionist, he didn’t care much for Southern aristocrats or blacks either so he wasn’t a fan of Reconstruction. Was impeached for firing a cabinet member and since the Radical Republicans simply didn’t like him, but survived by just one vote.
18. Ulysses S. Grant- Seen here with sunglasses and a can of Folgers after a night getting drunk on just two drinks (actually it was his cigar smoking that killed him). Still, he was a masterful military general who was ahead of his time (him and Sherman are said to be the first 20th century generals) who did win the US Civil War. Also, was said to be a very well liked president despite it being the 1870s who traveled the world after leaving office, wrote an autobiography, as well as one of the biggest presidential funerals ever. Not to mention, he has awesome tomb in New York my mom didn’t know even existed.
19. Rutherford B. Hayes- Seen as a weary old man with an awesome long beard. Won the presidency by just one vote and didn’t serve any booze in the White House. Had nine kids with his wife who he met in college (really and they both had graduated, too).
20. James A. Garfield- Not to be confused with the cat, this guy was best known for being shot at the train station by a disgruntled office seeker. Could’ve been saved if if he had been treated by modern medicine and if Alexander Graham Bell’s metal detector had found the bullet. Awesome beard though.
21. Chester A. Arthur- The president with the awesome whiskers who brought down the spoils system after being a beneficiary of it almost all his life (of course, since his predecessor was shot by a disgruntled office seeker, it’s understandable why he’d change his position).
22 & 24. Grover Cleveland- Depicted as a Sesame Street character. Served 2 non-consecutive terms, married his ward in the White House, admitted he fathered an illegitimate child (more like taking one for the team), and was said to be underrated according to Libertarians (odd for a Democrat but he’s said to oppose unions). Also, his daughter had a candy bar named after her called the Baby Ruth (according to some but probably not).
23. Benjamin Harrison- Grandson of William Henry Harrison and was probably elected because of his awesome beard. However, he and his wife were afraid of electricity and he had such an icy personality that Cleveland was voted back in.Seen on a horse in his Civil War years.
25. William McKinley- President during the Spanish American War and the first year of the 20th century. Appointed Teddy Roosevelt as his vice president so his party members could keep him out of the way. After winning reelection, gets assassinated by an anarchist. Here’s his campaign poster.
26. Teddy Roosevelt- Hunts Bigfoot and shoots him dead.
27. William Howard Taft- Had a rather disappointing administration as far as Teddy Roosevelt is concerned that he ran against him on the Progressive Party during 1912. Best known for being so fat to get stuck in a bath tub and having to install a new one which could fit 4 people. Became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court after leaving office.
28. Woodrow Wilson- Stern, racist, and intellectual, he was a visionary for formation of the United Nations and help start the Federal Reserve (you’d have to give him credit on that). Not to mention, he did try to have Germany be treated decently (Germany getting the shaft was Clemenceau’s not Wilson’s). Also, led our country during WWI and his administration saw women getting the right to vote for the first time as well as the beginning of Prohibition and income tax. Wasn’t one of the best presidents but hardly one of the worst.
29. Warren G. Harding- Smoked and partied at the White House. Administration oversaw Teapot Dome (the worst US political scandal before Watergate, which oversaw the incarceration of a US cabinet member). Had mistresses but probably fathered no illegitimate children (he was sterile contrary to what Boardwalk Empire says). Dies three years in under mysterious circumstances.
30. Calvin Coolidge- Sworn in by his old man (a justice of the peace) while staying in his New England home. Was so laissez-faire that his economic policies might’ve been responsible for the Stock Market Crash of 1929 (which might make him a grandfather of Reaganomics but not in a good way). Was a man of few words who didn’t let his wife wear pants.
31. Herbert Hoover- Of course, while seen as a very smart man with an equally smart wife who can speak Chinese as well as seen a great humanitarian during the 1920s, he was a fairly lousy president given the circumstances. I mean the Great Depression happened under his watch and what he did do didn’t amount to much (with the exception of Hoover Dam).
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt- Encapsulated in a transformer so who wants to mess with him now?
33. Harry S. Truman- Here one of our great self-made men and ultimate smart aleck sports a zoot suit to emphasize that “The buck stops here, Daddy-O.”
34. Dwight D. Eisenhower- Supreme Allied Commander during WWII, Commander of NATO, saw the worst of the Cold War, the beginnings of the Civil Rights Movement, the Vietnam War, and modern Middle East politics. Appointed Nixon as vice president. Best known for his bald head.
35. John F. Kennedy- On a moon riding a robotic unicorn with a laser horn.
36. Lyndon B. Johnson- Probably now laughing in his grave knowing that all the young people who complained about him for escalating the Vietnam War are now on Medicare. Not to mention, signed a lot of Civil Rights legislation which would later cost his party the South (explaining why many Southerners are now Republican). Has a long list of accomplishments and stories.
37. Richard M. Nixon- See Tricky Dick wrestle a saber-tooth tiger. Of course, he’ll do it through his dirty tricks since he was pretty much an asshole.
38. Gerald R. Ford- Played college football, worked as a model, and pardoned Nixon (to some people’s chagrin). Wife is more famous than him since she spread awareness about breast cancer and alcoholism.
39. Jimmy Carter- His heart was in the right place but wasn’t the best president though he did set some good examples like the White House Solar Panels. Also, helped bring peace between Israel and Egypt (which may now be in jeopardy). More memorable as an ex-president though.
40. Ronald Reagan- The Gipper rides and causes a shooting spree on his velocipede. Of course, don’t forget to duck. Also, don’t mention Iran Contra and the Savings and Loans scandals either. He doesn’t like that.
41. George H. W. Bush- As a zombie who wants everyone to “Read my lips, no new taxes. Now give me your brains.”
42. Bill Clinton- In the midst of utter turmoil with an intern by his side, Slick Willy protects America from the threat of hostile corporate giant Ronald McDonald.
43. George W. Bush- Sucking the blood from the Statue of Liberty’s neck with his fangs.
44. Barack Obama- Riding on a lion armed with a crossbow and light saber, Barry is no man to mess with.