Here is a bronze statue of “First Down” Archabbot Bonifice Wimmer in front of Saint Vincent Basilica and founder of Saint Vincent College, Saint Vincent Seminary, and Saint Vincent Archabbey. Of course, one of my reasons of posting this picture is because I attended Saint Vincent College from 2008-2012 graduating with a B. A. in history. Good times.
While my last post focused on painting, this one pertains to sculpture, another medium of artistic expression. Yet, as seen with the above picture of the late Boniface Wimmer, the founder of my college alma mater, sculpture can be found everywhere and are seen all over the place. For instance, Pittsburgh has a lot of statues of dinosaurs for some reason and not just in the Carnegie Museum of Natural History or the Carnegie Museum of Art. They also have plenty of dinosaurs outside that could be dressed a doctor or businessman. There’s even a T-Rex in the same attire of Mr. Rogers (Yes, he has his own dinosaur there and at Saint Vincent College since Latrobe was his hometown, look it up.) Still, enough with the local sculpture scene but I’m illustrating a point here. Yet, they also come in a variety of shapes and sizes from something you can hold in your hand, to ones larger than buildings which you can get inside of. And they can be cast in bronze, carved from marble, or from plenty of other materials. Yet, in this post I’m not going to talk about the great sculpting masterpieces. Instead, I’m focusing on works that should be recognized for sheer badness that they could be considered funny. So without further adieu, here are some of the tacky sculpture worthy of recognition. (I’m also keeping names anonymous here as well so will be the locations. Also, may contain some improper imagery.)
1. Bad Dog
Based on the best selling children’s book Clifford the Big Red Dog Takes a Piss.
Nothing expresses a male dog’s urge disregard for civilization than a giant one peeing on a building.
2. Burnside Fountain or “Turtle Boy Love Statue”
If your kids want to know what bestiality is, this is a good illustration to show them.
Now what kind of sick demented artist could ever come up with this idea? This is kind of depraved or so it seems. And who in their mind could ever think of having this on display? Then again, sure is a good way to attract tourists and earn notoriety.
3. Washington as Zeus
Okay, kids, who wants to see our first US president shirtless and wearing a dress?
Of course, he’s also remembered for his great biceps, said no American historian ever.
Because it’s seems very unsettling to see the Father of his Country sporting a toga and a six pack. For God’s sake even the Lincoln Memorial statue depicts “The Great Emancipator” in his own period appropriate clothes.This is a very famous piece by the way and part of the Classical style at the time, but still.
4. Mel Gibson as William Wallace
Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boost Mel Gibson’s ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.
Sure William Wallace was a great Scottish hero but no one seemed to get around with giving him a statue until after Braveheart. Of course, the reasons are obvious.
5. Ballerina Man
Now that’s incredibly creepy and I’ve seen Black Swan and The Dark Knight.
Part clown, part ballerina, this statue will not only give your kids nightmares but also make it impossible to determine the figure’s gender.
6. El Mesteno
And what would the evil Lord Sauron be without his giant blue hellhorse of death?
Giant horse statue- majestic. Giant blue horse statue- weird but all right. Giant blue horse statue with demonic red eyes – terrifying.
7. Boll Weevil Monument
Behold, the herald of prosperity in the agricultural pest that screwed much of the American South during the Great Depression and was responsible for countless deaths. Having a monument to the boll weevil there is like erecting a statue honoring the termite.
Nothing makes your town more memorable than having a statue depicting an agricultural pest as a sacred animal.
8. Spomenik
I wonder if this statue has ever been mistakened for Darth Vader’s vacation home.
A kind of monument that could be mistaken for something the Galactic Empire would erect to remind everyone else that they run your planet now.
9. Mr. Rogers
For some reason the statue of him as a T-Rex is much less scary than this. Maybe I don’t see anything about a giant bronze cast Mr. Rogers putting his tennis shoes on as something I shouldn’t be afraid of.
Somehow this statue of Mr. Rogers doesn’t really do justice to his good neighbor reputation. I mean a bronze cast of him tends to make him better suited for a Tim Burton movie than the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.
10. Blue Longhorn Bull
His long horns represent his great virility and his ability to kick your ass when pissed. His blue complexion represents his fondness for pasture shrooms.
Complete with extra long horns and a steady diet of shrooms. Did I mention the horns and hooves were silver?
11. Fighting Stallion Monument
Of course, things can get very complicated between horses but man do they look pretty dramatic kissing each other?
Is it just me, or do those two horses don’t seem to be fighting for some reason? Reminds me more of a horse version of Brokeback Mountain to me.
12. Man Hanging Out
I wonder how many people have mistaken this statue as a guy wanting to kill himself. Either some symbolism is involved or the locals have a sick sense of humor.
Now really, why would anyone think of creating a hanging man statue and then suspending him over the street? I wonder how many tourists are told by police, “Don’t worry, he’s not committing suicide. He’s always been like that since he was cast in bronze.”
13. Melting Cow
Maybe this shiny blue cow was a victim of some kind of cow tipping and just wasn’t able to get back on its feet. Also, what’s with the giant popsicle stick sticking out the cow’s ass?
Now this has to be influenced by a hallucinogenic drug induced surrealist dream. Or do cows actually melt when they hit the ground?
14. Cocozao
It’s one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It’s another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit on the city from the clouds? Yeah, that’s probably it or the designer was a twelve-year-old boy who thought it was a dandy way to attract tourists with a shit fountain.
Believe it or not, it’s said to represent the Araucaria Pine. Looks like a giant turd on a stick. Did I mention it’s a fountain?
15. Mothman
Not only is it silver with red eyes of murder but also has manly chest hair. I believe the only tourists this town receives are Godzilla fans. I wonder if any of them are from Japan.
Said to by a mythological creature rumored to live in a dynamite factory under a centuries old curse. Still, most people might see it as a robotic man moth version of a Godzilla adversary.
16. Peter the Great
He’s on top of how many ships? Seriously, if anyone should be honored for founding a navy, one will simply do the trick. Several on top of each other is kind of overdoing it by a lot. I wonder if Peter is compensating for something here.
When I’m on a boat isn’t good enough. Still, as iconic as Peter the Great was for a Russian Czar, this statue is just plain ugly as well as an imposing eyesore. Good God, who was crazy enough to design this? Then again, czars were ruthless autocratic monarchs and Peter was a bit nuts.
17. Quetzalcoatl
And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic culture and heritage, what does this statue say about them? Sorry, Hispanics, no offense. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit. Still, the Hispanic community must seem a little insulted by how a statue meant to celebrate their heritage and culture resembles a gigantic dog turd.
Serpent Aztec God of Humanity, large snake, or giant dog turd?
18. Peace Statue
I’m not sure if a peace icon should bare that much resemblance to Hercules or some athlete on steroids. And guys on steroids tend to be very aggressive. I mean you can get that body just by eating healthy and working at the gym.
Because nothing is a better personification of peace than a naked stand-in for Arnold Schwarzenegger.
19. Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz
Queen of Great Britain or humanoid reptilian overlord, you decide. Be sure you don’t get on her bad side since she has a detachable tail under her dress as well as forked venomous tongue.
This woman was famous for being the wife of King George III, mother of George IV and William IV, and gave birth to fifteen kids, as well as grandmother to Queen Victoria. She has plenty of royal descendants all over the European royal families as well as a city in North Carolina named after her. Yet, here she’s depicted as a lizard queen.
20. The Giant Spider
It’s coming to get you. Tell me, you’re not scared right? This is more terrifying than the one from Harry Potter who let his kids devour wizards.
Now how would any agoraphobe would want to go to work having to see this every day? Not very pleasant. Also, who ever thought of erecting a statue of something that is more appropriate for a horror movie?
21. The Struggle Against World Terrorism
Dr. Freud would just have a lot of fun with whoever designed this highly suggestive edifice. Just hope the moral guardians don’t notice any resemblance. Of course, it’s said to be a great hot spot for The Vagina Monologues.
Is it just me but does this statue seem to resemble what one 9/11 survivor called “a cross between a scar and a female sex organ?” And this was erected to honor 9/11 victims?
22. Walter Johnson
Seriously, what’s with the two extra arms bursting from his chest? Also, I wonder if he’s related to one of the Hindu deities with those kind of limbs. Oh, he’s the son of Shiva the god of death so that explains it.
Nicknamed “Big Train” and famed for being the greatest pitcher in baseball history, this statue depicts him as a four armed character more suited for a video game or the X-Men.
23. General Nathan Bedford Forrest
Crazy Nattie Forrest and his Confederate cavalry are going to slay yo’ negro asses. Still, it’s one thing to erect a monument dedicated to a guy who’s tied to a shitload of racial injustice (he was a slave trader before the war). It’s another to depict him as a raging angry white man in a silver cast with pistol in one hand and sword in the other. And he looks like a homicidal maniac out for blood.
Confederate hero on a golden horse and all out nutcase from this statue. Also, doesn’t help that he’s said to have found the KKK and may have ordered a massacre of Union soldiers.
24. Bl. Father Junipero Serra OFM
I heard he taught the Indians to play baseball and even held games on the weekends every Sunday afternoon. Still, it’s hard to take such a figure seriously if he’s depicted like a giant cartoon character.
Sure this guy may be on the road to sainthood but I can’t help but wonder if he’s the mascot of the San Diego Padres.
25. Tugendbrunnen or “Fountain of the Virtues”
For some reason, someone had the great idea of the fountain spraying the water from the horns of angels and the women’s nipples in high pressure lactation. Guess Renaissance sculptors weren’t as wholesome as you thought they would. Well, at least they weren’t men spraying water from their, well, you know.
Sure this may be a famous fountain designed during the Renaissance but look closer and you see this may be more appropriate adorning the Renaissance equivalent of The Playboy Mansion than any public square. And yet this is a public fountain.
26. Bl. Pope John Paul II
Unlike some of the statues in this list, I have to admit that this one serves some practical purpose of sheltering people from the rain and providing shade. But would you want to be under him? I don’t know.
Of course, what better way to honor the late Holy Father who helped bring down Communism than this bronze statue of him with a head almost like Mussolini and barely anything underneath his long flowing cloak? This is what the Vatican calls “a permanent and sacrilegious mud stain” on the late pope’s memory. Sacrilegious or not, it sure is an ugly example of minimalistic modern art.
27. Martin Luther King Jr.
This is something that probably belongs in a sci-fi horror film than anywhere else. Also, who came up with this idea? It’s creepy.
Sure Martin Luther King Jr. was a great civil rights leader who helped end racial segregation in the South. Yet, I’m not sure if an appropriate way to honor him would be putting his bust on a large silver ball.
28. Vigelands Parken Man Kicking Babies
Man, why on earth does this statue exist? This is depicting terrible forms of child abuse with a guy using three limbs to kick and slam babies. The sculptor must really hate kids for some reason.
Sure this may be some legendary figure in Norway, but what reason would anyone want to see a statue of a naked man hurting babies? This is sick! What do you mean the tykes are evil genii? Still, doesn’t make it right.
29. WWII Memorial Statue
Clearly he’s a bit heavy headed and not feeling too well. Of course, he’s been in a stony mood for ages. He may want some friends like the guys on Mount Rushmore or Stone Mountain.
Or as I’d like to call it “Mean Man of the Mountain.”
30. Mother Motherland
With eyes aflame she faces the masses wielding sword and shield silently yelling “Death to all you bourgeoisie capitalist scum! Death to all who steal from the proletariat!” Definitely a mother who strikes fear in her own children like the Soviet Union and satellite Cold War nations.
She may be the personification of Mother Russia but she is sure fierce and can kill you like the Russian winter or the KGB.
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 