1. The Goodbye Girl: Forced Cohabitation Leads to Love

2. The Ox-Bow Incident: Vigilantism Is Not Heroism

3. Minority Report: Pre-Crime Is Not 100% Effective

4. Close Encounters with the Third Kind: UFO Enthusiasts Make Bad Husbands

5. Greenfingers: Gardening for Convicts

6. The Last of the Mohicans: Daniel Day-Lewis’ Nice Hair

7. All Quiet on the Western Front: Everybody Dies

8. I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang: How I Stole $15 and Fucked Up My Life

9. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?: Bette Davis Makes a Terrible Caregiver, Serving Rat and Canary to Disabled People, Extreme Sister Rivalry

10. My Fair Lady: Closeted Metrosexuals the Musical, Girls as Dolls the Musical

11. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: Abduction Leads to Shotgun Weddings the Musical

12. A Big Hand for the Little Lady: Never Underestimate Women in Poker

13. Pocahontas: Disney Flunks American History

14. An American in Paris: Despite Its Perks, Highly Disappointing Musical

15. Lars and the Real Girl: Guys and Dolls the Non-Musical Literal Version

16. How to Steal a Million: How to Steal a Worthless Fake to Bail Out Your Dad

17. Leave Her to Heaven: Possessive Girlfriends Ruin Your Life

18. Judgement at Nuremberg: Love of Nation Does Not Justify the Means, Patriotism is No Excuse for Genocide

19. Hannah and Her Sisters: Woody Allen’s Hilarious Death Scare

20. In a Lonely Place: Humphrey Bogart Really Needs Anger Management, Anger Issues Can Create Serious Problems

21. The Barefoot Contessa: Impotence Leads to Crimes of Passion, Forced Sexless Marriage Kills

22. Joan of Arc: The Director’s Cut Is Much Better, Warrior Women Get Screwed

23. The Lost Weekend: Ray Milland Really Needs to Quit Drinking, Drinking and Writing Don’t Mix, Seriously, You Need Help, Man

24. The Birds: Swarming Attack Birds Don’t Shit, Seriously, Where’s All the Bird Poop?, Everything Must Be Covered in Bird Shit by the End

25. Titanic: Happy Old Woman Who’s Fondest Memory Is Having a Fleeting Romance with a Guy She Fucked in a Back of a Car on a Boat that Sunk

26. Tender Mercies: 1980s Crazy Heart, Sort of

27. The Days of Wine and Roses: Alcoholism Ruins Everything, Drinking Is Not Cool

28. Jurassic Park: Mostly Cretaceous Park, A Theme Park of Cloned Dinosaurs Is a Very Bad Idea

29. Pan’s Labyrinth: CGI Mythological Monsters Can’t Be More Scarier than Evil Fascist Captain, My Evil Stepfather Is a Bloodthirsty Fascist

30. The Night of the Hunter: Beware of Preachers with Tattoos

31. Cape Fear (1960’s): Scorsese Ruined This in the 1990s, Robert Mitchum Is Creepy

32. Ted: Filthy Children’s Toy and Manchild

33. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Is this a Nightmare Sequence or a Drug Trip?

34. Raising Arizona: Sympathetic Baby Snatchers

35. Groundhog Day: Bill Murray Lives for a Day Over and Over Again

36. Some Like It Hot: Jack Lemmon Has Major Gender Identity Issues

37. In Bruges: Gangsters Stick to Their Fucking Principles, Colin Farrell and Four People from Harry Potter

38. Hercules: Disney Fails Greek Mythology

39. Birth of a Nation: White Power the Silent Version, KKK Recruitment Propaganda, Rated W for White Supremacy, 3 Hours of Racism

40. Sunset Boulevard: Hollywood Screws People Up Big Time

41. Duel in the Sun: Not Your Conventional Gregory Peck Movie, Gregory Peck Is a Very Bad Man in This, 1940s Western Fanservice

42. Magic Mike: Maybe Male Strip Shows Aren’t that Entertaining, Nice Chest Scenes, Depressing Plot

43. The Master: Three Actors Waste Talent on Disappointing Script

44. The Hands of Orlac: Stranglers Shouldn’t Be Hand Donors

45. Apocalypto: Mel Gibson Fails Pre-Columbian Civilizations

46. Freaks: Freak Show Performers Are People, Too

47. The Brothers Bloom: Con Men Sure Have Issues, Crazy Rich Girls Make Everything Better Eventually

48. Spellbound: Don’t Talk to Strangers Especially Crazy and Potentially Dangerous Ones Unless They’re Hot

49. The Gods Must Be Crazy: Glass Bottles Create Tribal Disharmony, Glass Bottles Must Be Disposed Accordingly

50. Death at a Funeral: Don’t Take Vicodin Before a Funeral, Especially from a Drug Dealer, Murphy’s Law Funeral Style, Controlled Substances Make Funerals Interesting