When it comes to music, sometimes an album cover can make all the difference in marketing. Some of them are awesome and iconic that people remember the artist and album forever like the Beatles Abbey Road and others, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and The Wall, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, and others. However, we’re not going to focus on the albums of legends here. Instead, I’m focusing on some of the tackiest of the trade (within reason) so you all can laugh at them. So without further adieu here are some terrible album covers that should never have been created. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).
1. Ken: By Requests Only
See all your 1970’s fashion horrors all on one album cover. I mean the guy has a 1970’s porn stache and leisure suit which kind of suggests his day job.
2. I Aint Into That!: The Rappin’ Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise III
That portrait is highly inappropriate for a rap album. Seriously, the title may be make it seem like a rap title but the presentation seems to remind me of the 1960s R&B Motown.
3. Manowar Anthology
Okay, somehow this album image reminds me of a 1980s hair band on a Harlequin romance novel cover.
4. Orleans: Walking and Dreaming
Actually their chests don’t look that bad but the guys seem to be too close and personal, suggesting that they may be more than friends.
5. Freddy Gage: All My Friends Are Dead
So give this album to police so they would know where he hid their bodies.
6. Junior Parker: Love Ain’t Nothin’ But a Business Going On
Of course, this album cover is very suggestive on what kind of business his love may be: a prostitution ring. Unless “Junior” is the girl in the picture, then she’s probably a hooker.
7. The Simmons: “Touch of God”
And the loss of fashion sense. God, the pattern of the women’s dress is more appropriate for a couch.
Or your dad’s third grade teacher like you’ve never seen her before.
9. “Jesus Use Me” by the Faith Tones
Or the old CVS employees with 1960s hair that use more hair products than the cast of Hairspray put together.
10. The Ministers Quartet: Let Me Touch Him
Is it just me, or do 1970s Christian labels have bad album cover designers. Also, any album with “Ministers” and “Let Me Touch Him” sounds very, very wrong.
11. The Hollywood Playboys Orchestra: Music for Playboys to Play by
So you can be the devil to the woman at the party. Is it just me or does cover seems to suggest date rape or something?
12. Bruno Maltise: Heaven’s Hitman
And by looking at his picture, I can certainly believe it.
13. Brainstorm: Smile a While
While I have no qualms of guys in women’s clothes, I’m not sure about seeing guys in women’s underwear. Also, is the person on the far right an actual woman?
14. Svetlana Gruebersolvik: My Lips Are for Blowing
From my years of playing clarinet in high school and college, I can guess anything related to blowing wood can carry a double meaning. I remember that old chant from my high school years: “Who are we?” “Yough woodwinds!” “What do we do?” “We blow wood hard!” “Louder!” “We blow wood hard!”
15. Limbo Party
When going under the limbo stick may result in first degree burns or hair singing when you touch it.
16. John Graas: Jazz Labs 2
Didn’t know jazz artists made their own acid or played French horn.
17. Mike Crain Karatist Preacher: God’s Power
Perhaps this is the 1970’s way of appealing to a younger demographic.
18. Chanukah Carols
Perfect if you’re a Jew who wants to get the kiddies excited in the Chanukah festivities without them asking you why you don’t celebrate Christmas.
19. Tex Williams: Smoke, Smoke, Smoke
Later retitled: Croak, Croak, Croak.
20. Hey, Mr. Banjo
The sight of this album is sure to start race riots, especially in the South. Sad to say but this album would’ve looked a lot better if the guy didn’t wear blackface. And everyone would be a lot happier, too.
21. Music for Big Dame Hunters
Of course, a cover like this would make PETA scream in horror and then use the ad pitch in one of their commercials.
22.Geraldine and Ricky: Trees Talk, Too
And so do dummies, apparently. Tell me this is an album and not a horror movie.
23. Tijuana Brass: Whipped Cream & Other Delights
I’m sure no one wants a naked woman in their topping, no matter how sexy she may be.
24. The Braillettes: Our Hearts Keep Singing
This is a very terrible form of abuse to blind people, especially putting them in pastel dresses and 1960s hairstyles.
25. Erick and Beverly Messegee: Amen!
This is probably a heartwarming album by an elderly dummy and his hot trophy wife.
26. Count Your Blessings by Willie Sutherland
It seems that this adorable little girl is standing on a pew with two ministers dressed like the Reverend Powell from The Night of the Hunter.
27. God Isn’t Dead!: By Gertrude Bethanna
God may not be dead but he may be wondering why there are a bunch of booze bottles and hypodermic needles in the background.
28. Xavier Cugat and His Orchestra: Bread, Love, and Cha Cha Cha
Guess he’s kind of “pansexual” meaning he’s into bread.
29. John Bult: Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday
Look, buddy, just because she’s at the age of consent doesn’t mean you can’t be subjected to Megan’s Law. Seriously, this is a terrible album cover.
30. Forsaken Doll by Maria Leonora
Nothing like a creepy doll on an album to give you nightmares.
31. Ritchie Family: Bad Reputation
No wonder Lionel went solo.
32. Orion: Reborn
I’m sorry but carnival masks and blue leisure suits just don’t mix.
33. Boned: Up at the Crack
Most unintentionally inappropriate album art ever.
34. Rat on!: Swamp Dogg
Featured on the cover with his giant genetically mutated rat.
35. Scorpions: Lovedrive
Of course, this guy would’ve fondled his girlfriend’s breast until he found out she was using her chewing gum to keep her dress covered.
36. Foster Edwards’ Orchestra: What’s Next?
Of course, they had to make another album after the elephant Beatles cover band experiment failed horribly.
37. Mr. Bat Sings
Scary clown sings songs to keep you up all night or make your pants brown.
38. Satan Is Real by the Louvins Brothers
And he clearly doesn’t seem to enjoy your taste in music.
39. Shut Up and Dance!: Dance before the Police Come
Sure but what’s with the all the crazy weapons? I mean two machetes and numchucks?
40. Fire Down Under: Riot
Apparently this cover was designed on behalf of baby seal protection because one of them may return for revenge against humanity.
41. Heino: Liebe Mutter
From the guy who looks like an Andy Warhol stand-in holding roses.
42. I’m God’s Child by the Cooper Family
Wholesome Christian family with no fashion sense standing in front of their medieval dungeon fireplace.
43. Devastatin’ Dave: Zip, Zap, Rap
Is this a rap or exercise album? Seriously, that 1980s Tom Selleck look doesn’t seem to remind me of something a rapper would wear.
44. Johnny Guitar Watson: A Real Mother
Sorry, but I don’t think the man sized baby carriage resembling a classy car sort of kills it for me.
45. Songs for Gay Dogs by Paddy Roberts
Guess there’s something for everybody.
46. Dickie Harrell: Drums and More Drums
Of course, since this is an album by a six armed drummer, it’s no wonder.
47. The Electric Amish: A Hard Day’s Work
Didn’t know an Amish group released a Beatles cover album. I thought they wouldn’t be into that sort of thing since they don’t care much for technology past the 18th century.
48. Lots of Love & Peace from Happy Louie, Julcia, and the Boys
From the font, you may think this is a psychedelic rock album but it’s actually nothing of the sort.
49. Expose Yourself to Cajun Music and Johnny Janot
Apparently, this cover makes me want to avoid the latter. Still, this flashing Cajun musician is probably the Naked Cowboy’s father.
50. The Addicts Sing
Well, that’s nice there’s an album of former addicts singing but they hardly seem like addicts to me. However, the musical art form is no stranger when it comes to featuring artists with drug addictions so this is not even a novelty. Also, what’s with the skyscraper and the disembodied heads?
Who would buy albums with covers like there? Pretty crazy stuff.
You know that gay used to mean happy, right?
The Louvin Brothers are a national treasure, you philistine.