The Wonderful World of Gingerbread Architecture

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I’m not sure of how the tradition of gingerbread building got started, but for many years people have used it as a small scale building material for houses and other edifices. Of course, there has always been a gingerbread White House every year since the Carter administration but whether it gave rise to such craze is unknown. Still, since the tale of Hansel and Gretel, people probably have been using gingerbread to build houses and such, especially as a Christmas tradition. And there are even gingerbread house contests. Still, gingerbread houses in many ways are a fine line between decoration and food depending on the material composition. However, I can post pictures of many creative and beautiful gingerbread houses but since beauty is in the eye of the beholder I’m going to post gingerbread pieces that would never ever be seen in a saccharine Thomas Kinkade painting, especially houses that are either hideous or don’t tell a pleasant side of the holidays. So here are some of the not so cutesy sentimental gingerbread houses many of you might not have seen.

1. Gingerbread Crack House- a gingerbread house on the wrong side of the tracks.

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The closest thing in gingerbread architecture that ever comes close to The Wire.

2.Zombie House- I don’t like the look of that place.

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Sometimes in a zombie apocalypse, the zombies are the last thing to worry about, especially if the house is out to eat you.

3. Wrapper House- hard times have fallen many in Gingerbread Town.

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The creator may not have intended for the wrappers to make the house look it’s from a poverty stricken neighborhood. But because he or she used wrappers, it kind of does.

4. Gingerbread Prison Yard- where our gingerbread men do hard time.

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Where runaway gingerbread go when they’re caught at least by other gingerbread men.

5. Gingerbread Prison- even Gingerbread Town needs a place to put their shady characters.

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Still, with candy cane fences and barred licorice windows, kind of looks too cute to be a jailhouse. Still, kind of dank.

6. Gingerbread Outhouse- because even gingerbread people at one time needed a place to do their business.

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I’m not sure if I want to go in there after Shrek’s done with it.

7. CBGB- has seen better days.

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It’s actually a renown music club in Manhattan and looks much nicer than its gingerbread version. But anyone looking at this who doesn’t live in New York City wouldn’t have guessed it.

8. These rednecks make the Grinch look like a boy scout.

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Say what you want about the Grinch impersonating Santa Claus, breaking in other people’s houses to steal everything in sight. Yet, at least he’s never shot Rudolph and mounted his head or tie Santa to the top of his trailer.

9. This person really doesn’t like people.

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Did I just see a foreclosure sign? Might explain a lot.

10. This is probably Lady Gaga’s dream house.

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Wouldn’t be surprised if her house actually looked like that.

11. Even gingerbread houses can fall decrepit nowadays.

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Sorry, but I don’t think anyone will buy a house in that shape especially an abandoned one in a bad neighborhood.

12. Guess the residents here aren’t having a good day.

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“Come out with your hands up!” shouted the toy policemen.

13. Is that a dead body in the dumpster?

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Yes, it is, but I wonder if Marcelli’s Waste Management had anything to do with it? Still, dumpsters aren’t great places to dump murder victims since it’s usually one of the first places police will look and then there’s the garbage men.

14. In the snowy cold, this gingerbread trailer may be the only shelter around.

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Yet, even if the light inside means it’s inhabited, that doesn’t explain the boarded window.

15. Yes, even some gingerbread houses have hoarders.

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Of course, this may just be the garage. You know how some houses are designed.

16. Of course, there always has to be a gingerbread McDonald’s as there’s one everywhere.

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I’m not sure if a McDonald’s gingerbread house is a good idea with all its connotations.

17. This building is certainly not one I’d like to go in.

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Seedy hangout, abandoned tourist trap, or whatever, I wouldn’t go in there. Seems pretty sleazy to me.

18. Well, even gingerbread people need a check cash and a liquor store.

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Of course, you wouldn’t want either in a decent gingerbread neighborhood. Also, “loans” looks a lot like “coons.” Just saying.

19. Gingerbread Trailer Park- for the low income gingerbread folk.

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Trailer: home of the stereotypical redneck. Of course, not good with tornadoes.

20. Yet sometimes housing is more elevated in some locations.

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I’m not sure if there are homes like that in real life. Probably.

21. A gingerbread whorehouse? Now I’ve seen everything.

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I guess the person behind this wanted to be noticed. Still, would’ve passed for an ordinary gingerbread house if it weren’t for the words, “Welcome to the Whore House” and the presence of gingerbread hookers.

22. Just an old abandoned house.

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But it may be on fire but seems time has forgotten about it.

23. Didn’t know Santa and his wife lived in a trailer.

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Either that or it’s just they tend to resemble the Clauses.

24. The gingerbread hood.

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Always known a “Gentleman’s Club” is now a misnomer. Still, I think that guy owns both of them.

25. The witch’s lair where the windows have eyes.

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I think the house is staring right at me.

26. Merry Christmas from the gingerbread Roosevelt Hotel.

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For some reason I don’t see palm trees as anything relating to gingerbread or Christmas but maybe that’s just because I live in Pennsylvania.

27. The modern style gingerbread house.

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For some reason, I’m sure if gingerbread and some styles of modern architecture mix well. Also, palm trees.

28. Don’t know if I’d want to go there.

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Looks like a bad gingerbread neighborhood from what I see here. Also, are those dead bodies?

29. Of course, even gingerbread folk have their dens of sin.

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Has to be one in every town, does there? God, almighty.

30. Is this a house, work building, or medical office?

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Seriously, I don’t know what this building’s purpose is. Still, reminds me more of a medical or commercial facility than an actual residence.

For More:

http://happyplace.someecards.com/2301/the-most-offensive-gingerbread-houses-ever-made

The Holly and the Ivy, on the Christmas Wreath

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Whether it be on the front door or on the wall or whether it be crafted or bought, the Christmas wreath has always graced homes everywhere. Of course, they could come in a wide range of shapes and sizes as well as materials. And though some may appear masterfully done, others well, not so much. In fact, some of them may not be very appropriate to grace a house at all at times. Still, this may be a sensitive subject when it comes to tacky wreaths since many probably worked hard on them only to have me graciously mock them. Yet here is a list of tacky Christmas wreaths for all to enjoy.

1. Nothing says “Welcome” or “Peace on Earth” than a wreath made out of shotgun shells with a gun in the center.

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To me this says, “You’re an intruder and get the fuck out of here!”

2. Of course, you can try to make one from recyclable materials or garbage.

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Sure this may be eco-friendly but it still looks like garbage.

3. A beer can Christmas tree not only is eco-friendly but it will look good on any frat house door.

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I’d be wondering if the owner has a drinking problem since he or she has all the beer cans to make a wreath.

4. Yet, if you want something simple, you can go with the ultra modern look.

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Somehow when I look at this, I can’t help comparing it to a toilet seat.

5. If you want to protect the earth but not do a lot of work, you may want to paint a tire green and put a bow on it. Simple as that.

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Yeah, but I don’t think it looks appropriate anywhere but at a place relating to car service, a hardware store or a dealership. Maybe an Advanced Auto Parts or an Ace Hardware but other than that, probably not.

6. I call this, “The Beer Pong Wreath.”

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Because it uses plastic cups and plastic ping pong balls like in beer pong.

7. A CDs wreath will look flashy at any house.

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If it’s placed on a single guy’s house, people may question his sexual orientation.

8. This Christmas wreath doesn’t look very happy.

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Wouldn’t mess with that wreath if I were you.

9. Behold, the wreath that will give you high cholesterol.

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Of course, this is more of a platter than a wreath but you get the idea.

10. Of course, you can use a inflatable wreath to decorate your house and use as a floatation device.

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Actually might make a better floatation device, now that I think about it.

11. Then there’s a cork wreath for the wine drinkers.

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Like with beer cans, I may also want to be concerned whether the owner has a drinking problem.

12. Need wreath decorations? Well, just use your WWE action figures.

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Someone must be too much into studio wrestling.

13. If the tire wreath is too heavy, you can always use the hubcap.

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Doesn’t really look like a wreath does it? More like a curved mirror with a bow on it.

14. Still, why not grace your door with Santa’s belt.

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I think I’d rather not.

15. And there can be never such a thing as too many Christmas decorations on a wreath.

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I think I’ll beg to differ on this one. Looks like Christmas on steroids.

16. If you like, you can always have your wreath match your lawn ornaments.

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This wreath would look fine if it weren’t for the flamingo.

17. A poinsettia wreath will always be inviting to someone’s home.

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Looks more appropriate to put on someone’s grave. And believe me, I live near a cemetery.

18. Why throw away your burned out Christmas bulbs when you can make a wreath with them instead?

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Still kind of looks flashy as well as tacky, especially with the elf.

19. What better way to greet visitors than with with a Nutcracker wreath?

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Somehow the nutcracker in the center doesn’t make this wreath look right for some reason.

20. Of course, if you want to shine, you can always go with the tinfoil wreath.

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Actually this never really looks right on anything. Besides, you see stores using these all the time.

Decorating the Christmas Tree

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A while ago, I had a post about Christmas trees. But this time I’ve reserved this post on Christmas tree decorations. Of course, we always decorate Christmas trees with all kinds of things like lights, toppers, trimmings, ornaments, and others. Many can range from those bought in a store or used as gifts to those homemade or part of a child’s craft project. Many of them may seem to be of great craftsmanship or of sentimental value while others well, may be better off set at the bottom of the tree where your toddler can smash and break so you wouldn’t have to explain its presence later. Also, it would make the tree look better as well. Either way, most people are usually stuck with putting them on the tree year after year. So here is a collection of possible inappropriate Christmas trimmings that should never grace a Christmas tree (well, ones within some bounds of PG-13 decency that is, but I will post links for some of the not so wholesome ones because there’s plenty of Christmas ornaments out there I can’t even post on this blog nor want to).

I. The Lights

1. Now you know how tacky having a leg lamp would be from the movie A Christmas Story, but imagine having a string of them on your own Christmas tree.

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If only Ralphie’s dad had his way.

2. Tropical paradise? Well, have a string of illuminated flamingos and palm trees.

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Still, palm trees and flamingos lights look tacky on just about everything.

3. For college fraternity Christmas trees, I’d recommend the Budweiser beer can light strand so you can be the life of the party before Christmas vacation.

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Seriously, why beer can lights? I can’t understand how they’ll make the tree look less like something from a frat.

II. The Toppers

4. For all you religious freaks out there, here’s a topper of Christ the King in his resplendent white robes and flat-ironed hair.

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If it wasn’t for that outfit, I’d mistaken this Jesus for a surfer dude.

5. Nothing says Peace on Earth than topping your tree with a star made out of shotgun shells.

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Courtesy of the NRA.

6. For all you Harry Potter fans out there, we have the Sorting Hat tree topper where you find whether your tree will be sorted into Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Gryffindor.

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C’mon there are probably better Harry Potter tree toppers than the Sorting Hat. What about the Golden Snitch?

7. For those tired of the constant Christmas cheer, here’s a crying angel tree topper.

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A downer at any Christmas party.

8. Keep annoying guests away with the evil monster tree topper.

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And I don’t think I’m kidding here. May also scare little kids and animals.

9. To match one’s Budweiser can Christmas lights, here’s a Busch Angel to top the tree.

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Because you couldn’t afford to buy an actual angel to top the tree.

10. For those sick in their minds, here’s an eyeless baby tree topper for the season.

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Seriously, this one is creeping me out, especially with its Christmas light eyes.

11. If Busch Angel doesn’t seem your fancy here’s a Bud Light Tree Star.

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O, little town of Beerthlehem.

12. Why have the Grinch steal Christmas if he can be on top of your tree instead?

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Looks like his mind is up to no good. Also, it’s just his head.

13. For dog lovers, here’s a dog angel tree topper.

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Look, I know all dogs go to heaven but this is ridiculous.

14. For your secular humanists out there, here’s a tree topper of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

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Because a Flying Spaghetti Monster tree topper will make your Christmas tree look tackier than your Christian friends.

15. Seriously, oh, God, no! A Justin Bieber tree topper.

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And he has to be depicted as an angel? Is there no decency here, Lord?

III. The Ornaments

16. Have a Wunderbar Christmas with these Swastika ornaments on your very Nazi tree your Furher can be proud of.

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Seriously, how could these ornaments even exist? I mean no one wants Christmas ornaments promoting anti-Semitic hate speech.

17. There’s nothing like having an armed fetus as your Christmas tree ornament to make a stand for your traditional American values.

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Because even fetuses should be entitled their Second Amendment rights. Couldn’t resist on that one.

18. Nothing can traumatize your kids more than seeing Santa with a thong.

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Oh, God why? This is disgusting.

19. Or Santa kidnapping naughty children in his sack.

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This probably came from the Netherlands, just look up David Sedaris’ 6 to 8 Black Men on Google.

20. Or Winnie the Pooh in a bikini.

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This is so wrong on many levels.

21. Or the Krampus.

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Seriously what’s a Krampus? And do I want to find out?

22. Didn’t know what Santa wore under his red suit.

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Feeling a little bicurious, are you Santa?

23. What girl wouldn’t refuse putting a sexy merman on her tree?

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Seriously, what’s sexually appealing about mermen? I don’t understand it.

24. And for those down South, here’s some flamingo ornaments.

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Like I said, flamingo decorations are always tacky.

25. Stuffed ornaments: so adorable even if they are fragments of bodily waste.

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Now that I think about it, it’s kind of disgusting.

26. I’ll let the ad speak for itself.

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I could never say it better myself.

27. Why not have your Christmas baubles double as billiard balls?

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I just hope these are as sturdy as real billiard balls if you decide to play pool with them.

28. Let’s have your Chimney Charlie rise from your chimney.

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Because no one wants to see a shirtless Santa.

29. And here’s Jesus up your chimney in a crown of lights to mark the suffering his birthday has experienced with secularism and commercialism.

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Sacrilegious on so many levels.

30. What more can you have on your Christmas tree than the daughter of Chucky?

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Well, you have to agree with me that she bears a certain resemblance. Of course, this is what you get when you mate Chucky with a troll doll.

31. Now you can be sure your nutcrackers support America’s Football Team.

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Seriously, the Dallas Cowboy’s aren’t America’s Football Team. It’s just what they and their fans call themselves.

32. Of course, your dead Santa head is a fine addition for your Nightmare Before Christmas Party.

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On second thought, probably too scary for that.

33. And here’s the Nutcracker’s Kentucky cousin Bubba.

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A redneck nutcracker, how…..I’m at a loss for words here.

34. What more can you ask for than a lovely catfish on your tree?

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Actually this is way more disturbing than the real thing.

35. A reindeer can never be overdressed.

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Not only is this outfit bad for reindeer but it’s also a fire hazard.

36. See the baby Jesus like you never seen him before.

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Will inspire more freakouts than joy.

37. Grandma got run over by a reindeer but Santa wasn’t responsible.

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So Grandma was really run over by a reindeer on a quad trying to get away from hunters. Perhaps Grandma was going to shoot it.

38. What more adorable craft ornament can you ask for than a cork reindeer?

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Can’t imagine how this could be a school craft project.

39. Didn’t know Santa was a senior naturist was he?

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At least he has a long white beard to hide his naughty bits.

40. You shouldn’t bug Santa while he’s on his private business.

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Please, Santa’s busy taking a crap. Shut the door and come back later.

41. For the microbiologist in your life, here’s some stuffed microbe ornaments for their tree.

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Because these are ornaments only a microbiologist can appreciate.

42. Nothing says Peace on Earth than a wooden gun on your tree.

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Please don’t. For the love of God, please don’t put this on your tree.

43. Of course, you don’t want to bother a bear packing heat don’t you?

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Bears are dangerous enough without guns let alone a mama bear wielding a shotgun to defend her cubs.

44. Seriously, Jersey Shore ornaments? Oh, hell no!

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Seriously, who the hell would buy these?

45. Well, here’s old Fishy reeling in a couple of marshmallows for his chocolate and graham cracker barge.

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As to what fish and smores have in common with each other, I don’t have the slightest idea.

46. Because your tree may be inhabited by smoking squirrels.

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Hey, it’s possible.

47. No stuffed ornament tree would be complete without Monster Tree.

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Oh, when a tree gets angry, boy does it get angry.

48. What’s that on the ballerina pig’s head?

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Is that supposed to be a Christmas tree with a face on it? Creepy.

49. Of course, you can’t have Christmas without Santa praying to the Baby Jesus.

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I find these decorations with Santa and Baby Jesus kind of tacky if you know what I mean.

50. And nothing says Merry Christmas like a bikini clad hippopotamus.

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Might have something to do with “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” Still, since hippos are among the most dangerous and aggressive animals on Earth, you really don’t.

For More:

Tree Toppers:

http://www.complex.com/art-design/2012/12/20-inappropriate-items-placed-on-christmas-trees/

http://happyplace.someecards.com/12718/the-13-most-wonderfully-blasphemous-items-ever-placed-on-top-of-christmas-trees

Ornaments:

From Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/11/wtf-ornaments-45-worst-christmas-tree-decorations_n_2278305.html

From Buzzfeed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hgrant/21-upsetting-christmas-tree-ornaments

Away in a Manger, on the Nativity Scene

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Disclaimer: This is a post purely for entertainment and no more. Sure I may put on tacky nativity scenes but I do the same when it comes to any Christmas decorations. If you’re a diehard Christian and think any of the nativity displays offend you, please don’t take your offense in the comment section. I’m not trying to offend anyone’s religious affiliation since I’m a Catholic who attends regular mass as well as a political liberal who believes in separation between church and state. Besides, I don’t find humor or tackiness in any way sacrilegious and neither should anyone else.

As a practicing Catholic, I’ve always considered the nativity scene as one of the more important Christmas decorations since it depicts the birth of Christ which is one of the reasons to celebrate the holiday (though not the only one). Sure it carries religious symbolism but Christmas is a religious holiday for many people (and let’s just not have church and state politics get in the way). You have the baby Jesus, his mother Mary and stepfather Joseph (though “official father” on his birth certificate), a shepherd, the the 3 Wise Men, a donkey, some sheep, an angel, and other farm animals in the stable. Of course, the nativity scene isn’t a historical reenactment nor one as depicted in the Bible (since the shepherds appeared in Luke and the 3 Wise Men in Matthew). Yet, while some nativity scenes are works of art as the result of divine inspiration, others not so much. Whereas, some of them may avoid divine inspiration entirely. Nevertheless, even the nativity scenes of divine tackiness deserve some recognition, if not serve as something to amuse us. So without further adieu, here are some of the tackiest nativity scenes for your appreciation.

1. Nothing says “Peace on Earth” than having the Holy Family depicted as shotgun shells.

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A homemade project sponsored by the NRA.

2. A nativity scene that will bring you joy as well as clog your arteries.

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A nativity scene most likely to give you a heart attack and kill you.

3. A great nativity set to go with your Dogs Playing Poker.

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Seriously, the Jesus pup looks a little like Joseph while Mary is a dalmatian. How does that happen when Jesus is supposed to be the Son of God?

4. A nativity scene which has risen from the dead, literally.

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So does this mean Christ was born already undead?

5. The nativity scene of the modern art museum.

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Sure looks like it. But it also could be a bunch of colored blocks.

6. Someone must’ve gotten their Bible stories mixed up to design this.

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Seriously, is the old guy supposed to be Joseph or Noah? Also, is that structure a stable or an ark?

7. No better way to put the “Christ” in Christmas than right above your crotch.

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Also, I doubt that tall evergreen trees even existed in Bethlehem during the early Roman Empire.

8. A futuristic minimalist take on the birth of Christ.

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Looks more like a gold disc lighting up EPCOT to me.

9. So whoo is born the king of Israel?

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Well, Jesus Christ that’s whoooo!

10. Taxidermy: can make a touching scene into one much more terrifying.

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So all the critters and the old lady scared all the adults away while the baby Jesus remained.

11. Glory to Gouda in the highest, and cheese to his people on Earth.

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Blessed are the cheese makers for they are the children of God.

12. Hark! the herald angels sing. Glory to the newborn…kitten?

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Only a crazy cat person could appreciate this. I find this set purr-fectly creepy if you ask me.

13. Of course, no Irish Christmas can be complete without a visit from St. Patrick and a couple of his drinking buddies.

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Giving him three casks of whiskey which they all drank into the night and trashed the place to an Irish jig by the Irish harp playing angels.

14. So as Christ was born in a manger he was given fleece from the shepherds, gold, frankincense, and myrrh from the magi, and a private concert from Metallica.

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And everyone had their eardrums blasted that they were afflicted with tinnitus the next morning which the baby Jesus cured thus performing his first miracle.

15. So Jesus was born in an igloo in Bethlehem as God’s snowman incarnation on Earth.

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Of course, I’m still wondering how Frosty the Snowman fits into this.

16. Jesus was born before the quack of dawn.

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Still, I wonder if the Mary and Joseph geese are taxidermy or not for they certainly look hideous.

17. A nativity scene that doubles as a set of bowling pins.

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Seriously, I wonder if God is supposed to be the bowling bowl that comes with the set. Oh, well, so we can only play 9 pins with it.

18. So Jesus came to free us from sausage and deliver us from bacon.

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Seriously, even the animals are pigs. Doesn’t look kosher at all.

19. Silent night, spooky night.

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Would be the perfect nativity scene for Nightmare Before Christmas fans and can also be used as a Halloween decoration.

20. The nativity scene for stoners in which baby Jesus will grant you eternal life as a 7/11 burrito.

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And I’m not sure what Mary and Joseph remind me of. Wizards’ hats?

21. O, little town of Bearthlehem.

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Of course, the three wise men brought stolen picnic baskets instead of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

22. A moose holy night.

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Seriously, why does the Virgin Mary have antlers? Female moose don’t have them.

23. A nativity cookie cutter set. I wonder what could go wrong with that.

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Reminds me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm Christmas episode when Larry David ate the cookie nativity scene, including the cookie Baby Jesus.

24. So Mary and Joseph stayed at a stable in Bethlehem Hawaii, where she gave birth to her firstborn tiki.

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For God’s sake, why does Saint Joseph have a Hawaiian shirt on?

25. Never before has the Nativity of Jesus has been so sweet as on cupcakes.

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Won’t be able to resist those, no way. And they’re chocolate, too.

26. So the baby Jesus was hatched and lay in the manger on the polar ice.

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It’s like a nativity scene meeting March of the Penguins.

27. Let’s just face it, live nativity scenes are really for the dogs.

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Admit it, no matter how sacrilegious this is, you’d still see a live dog nativity scene in your neighborhood. I mean who can resist this much cuteness?

28. A nativity scene only fit for a bar.

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Of course, you got to give some kudos on the creativity.

29. Glory to God, the newborn chick.

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Joseph is probably worried about having to wake everyone up in the morning after all the clucking the angels have been doing.

30. Joy to the World, the Smore has come.

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The marshmallow figures can also be imagined as snowmen for there are similarities.

31. Even Santa Claus bows to the manger scene in adoration.

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For God’s sake, I think Santa is planning to eat the Holy Family as part of his snack. Run, Mary and Joseph, run for your lives and take Jesus with you! Santa’s hungry!

32. Christ was born to absorb all the suffering from sin and redeem the world. So maybe a tampon manger scene is on to something.

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Okay, I may be crossing the line there. Still, despite what a tampon is for, this doesn’t look that family unfriendly at all.

33. Rubber Duckie Nativity set: teaching the meaning of Christmas through making bath time so much fun.

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Seriously, rubber duckie farm animals? How crazy is that?

34. No wonder the Holy Family couldn’t get any rest.

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Donkey must’ve been annoying the crap out of them all night.

35. The Holy Family under the sea.

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The Holy Family as mermaids, never heard that one before.

36. If Jesus was born in a barn in Bethlehem, Texas, the Bible Belders wouldn’t shut up about it.

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Seriously, why do all the wise men look like ranch hands?

37. This chocolate nativity scene is good enough to eat.

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Note to self: Must not eat until January.

38. Santa goes down on one knee to behold the Lord on the living room table.

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Seriously, this Santa is giving me the creeps.

39. The baby Jesus is visited by the Wizard Gandalf and his unicorn.

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Hey, I was joking. Still, sorry Lord of the Rings fans.

40. Let this Holy Family fiber optic nativity scene bring you back to the disco years.

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The person behind this must’ve been stoned out of his mind to design this. Probably on brown acid or something.

For more:

http://www.goingjesus.com/cavalcade.shtml

http://whyismarko.com/2012/the-42-worst-nativity-sets/

From Buzzfeed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/fjelstud/the-most-awesomely-inexplicable-nativity-scenes

http://www.holytaco.com/25-ridiculously-awesome-nativity-scenes/

O Tannenbaum, on the Christmas Tree

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The scrawny little Charlie Brown Tree, made infamous by the Peanuts Holiday Special, A Charlie Brown Christmas. However, unlike the cartoon, giving a little love to this tree won’t make it the Christmas tree of your dreams.

Of course, the Christmas tree is one of the pinnacle Christmas decorations which entails taking an evergreen and decorating it with lights, ribbons, ornaments, and fancy doodads. Of course, Christmas trees were of pagan origin once used to celebrate a winter solstice holiday in the Germanic region before crossing over to Christianity. And even then, they were only a German tradition until the reign of Queen Victoria, especially after her marriage to Prince Albert who helped popularize the tradition worldwide, (especially in areas controlled by the British Empire). Ever since, the Christmas tree has become a definitive symbol of Christmas as well as one erected every public place in America during the holiday season. Of course, while many Christmas trees are beautiful and spectacular to behold, others are not so much. So without further adieu, I’ll show you pictures of some of the tackiest trees of the season as well as give you tips on how to get the perfect Christmas tree.

1. Either chop down an evergreen or get an artificial tree that looks like one (if you either don’t want to or building regulations won’t let you).

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I know that making a Christmas tree out of used beer bottles may be more environmental friendly than the two traditional routes. Yet, no matter how eco-friendly such an idea is, people are going to see it as only appropriate for a frathouse.

a. If artificial, make sure your tree is green.

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Sure I may be dreaming of a White Christmas. A white Christmas tree? Not so much.

b. If live, make sure it looks like a Christmas tree and fits in your house.

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This apparently does neither.

2. Stand your Christmas tree upright on a stand (Upside down trees are impossible to water and difficult to put ornaments on).

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Upside down Christmas trees may seem funny but they look utterly ridiculous, especially when used as a chandelier.

3. Choose a decent tree topper (a ribbon, angel, or star will do).

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Flamingos may be appropriate lawn ornaments, but they are overwhelmingly tacky tree toppers for this very reason.

4. Don’t be a sloppy decorator.

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I can’t see how this could be a nice tree which seems so crappily done. Of course, they don’t call it “Christmas Craptackular” for nothing.

5. If you’re doing a theme, choose a decent one.

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I’m not sure if a clown pez-dispenser theme cuts it. For God’s sake, it’s creepy.

6. Make sure your tree isn’t buried in ornaments that people could see it.

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A Christmas tree that can only be seen in a Liberace fever dream.

7. Go easy on the tinsel.

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Seriously, this is too much tinsel. I mean way too much tinsel.

8. There are some things that won’t look good on a Christmas tree.

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Bird feathers make this tree especially hideous.

9. Keep it as PG as possible (Christmas is for family after all).

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I’m not sure if this makes the cut depending on the audience.

10. Make sure the tree doesn’t take over your house.

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Seriously, how does this guy get around that thing?

11. Remember to take proper care of your tree, especially if live.

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Apparently this tree’s owners didn’t. Makes a Charlie Brown Tree look vibrant by comparison.

12. Use bows and ribbons in moderation.

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That’s way too many bows. Seriously, way too many bows and they look so gaudy.

13. If artificial, don’t use one from a designer.

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Seriously, this is one of the most hideous trees I’ve ever seen. It just looks terrible and you know this was done by a professional. People are better off decorating their trees themselves.

14.Make sure your tree isn’t scary looking.

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Merry Christmas from Transylvania where our trees are among the creepiest you’ve ever seen.

15. Make sure your Christmas tree looks as symmetrical as possible.

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Dr. Seuss called, he wants his Christmas tree back for one of his children’s books.

16. Make sure you can see the ornaments if you choose to use other decorations.

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With the amount of multicolored tinsel streamers here, it’s easy to picture this tree standing in Elton John’s living room.

For More:

http://www.holytaco.com/25-hideous-christmas-trees/

Worldwide Christmas Tree Contest: http://treecontest.worldwidechristmas.com/

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/80453966/

Decorating with Christmas Lights

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My family has been one of the few in my neighborhood who doesn’t decorate the house with Christmas lights since we’re kind of low maintenance and don’t think having a festive house is worth a trip to the emergency room (as my dad says “No way in hell”) or the money and time. However, there are plenty of people who look forward to the Christmas season so they can decorate their houses like this. Perhaps Christmas is an excuse for people to use such outlet for artistic expression and draw attention to onlookers. Some are spectacular and tastefully done while others can make you wonder if the person has more Christmas decorations than he or she knows what to do with. Of course, I can go on with bringing you light displays tastefully done but since this is the internet, no one wants to see nice Christmas light displays because well, because good yuletide lighting is so subjective so I’ll show pictures of the garish looking houses while giving you do’s and don’ts on lighting decorations even though I’m no expert on these things.

Do: Have plenty of light bulbs to spare.

Don’t: Use all your Christmas light bulbs at once.

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Chances are, this guy did use them all at once.

Do: Try to please everyone.

Don’t: Just try pleasing yourself and the power company.

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I’m sure the local power plant workers drive by this house knowing that its energy usage will pay for their Christmas bonus.

Do: Aim for the minimum.

Don’t: Be too minimal.

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Could barely see this, even with it all lit up. Seriously, these people need a better display than that.

Do: Try to blend in with the neighbors.

Don’t: Turn decorating into a competition.

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I sense a decorating war going on here.

Do: Try to be as organized with storing your light strands as possible.

Don’t: Leave your strands in a tangled mess, especially on the roof.

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I guess some people don’t know when to keep going.

Do: Try to stock on Christmas light decorations.

Don’t: Have more Christmas light decorations than you know what to do with.

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Seriously, I think these people have that problem.

Do: Spend time perfecting your Christmas light display.

Don’t: Do a sloppy job.

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Either these people were too lazy to fix it or their light display was knocked up by the storm. Nevertheless, doesn’t look right and very sloppy.

Do: Accessorize.

Don’t: Accessorize to excess.

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Jesus, how do the owners manage to get in or out? Hope they have a back door.

Do: Try to create a proper arrangement with your decorations.

Don’t: Place your decorations inappropriately.

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This may be funny to look at but parents will complain if their kids see it.

Do: Be creative.

Don’t: Go beyond a G or PG rating. (Honestly, there will be kids in some of those cars.)

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Santa Claus taking a whiz. I’m sure parents will complain about that. Still, pretty funny.

Do: Try to make it visible during the daytime.

Don’t: Bury your house or yard in the decorations.

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Seriously, there doesn’t seem to be any room on the yard and the house is nearly buried in blow up figures.

Do: Decorate your outside trees.

Don’t: Do it without adhering to standards of decency.

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Please don’t ask me what this palm tree reminds me of. Please don’t.

Do: Try to improvise if you can’t find what you’re looking for.

Don’t: Use a beer case for a manger.

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Where making do with what you have doesn’t apply.

Do: Try to stand out.

Don’t: Be a distraction to drivers.

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Certainly will be a distraction to drivers since it stands out so much.

Do: Express yourself.

Don’t: Have your display contain violent imagery.

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A hanging reindeer from a tree with blood spurting out of it. Not a good idea.

Do: Shine and be festive.

Don’t: Blow the power grid.

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This will cause a power outage for sure.

For More Tacky Light Displays:

Ugly Christmas Lights.com: http://www.uglychristmaslights.com/ – A whole site devoted to tacky Christmas displays.

One from Fairfax, VA called Holly’s Tacky Christmas Lights: http://www.fairfaxchristmaslights.com/

From Huffington Post which also has tacky Christmas Trees: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/08/tacky-christmas-lights-photos-videos_n_2260824.html

Christmas Music: The Good, the Bad, and the Annoying

Of course, it’s that time of year when many radio stations deviate from their usual set up and start playing Christmas songs on the radio regardless of what everyone else thinks or believes in. Sure they may be annoying but not all of them are bad. So in order to evaluate I’ll come up with a system on which Christmas songs I think are good, bad, or just plain annoying after hearing them all the time. Now here are my evaluations for Christmas songs.

The Good

Many traditional Christmas songs I’d put in this category since many of them are over 100 years old and we still play them. I’d especially reserve many traditional religious Christmas songs like “O Come All Ye Faithful,” “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear,” “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” “Angels We Have Heard on High,” “The First Noel,” and “O Holy Night.” Of course, Christmas has always been a religious holiday celebrating the birth of Christ but even public school children play these songs (like I did in band from fourth grade to high school) since the melodies are so pretty. And let’s just say these songs have so much cultural and musical value that no one’s going to care whether these violate the separation between church and state (well, almost no one). In fact, as long as it’s good Christmas music, I don’t care if it’s played in public schools since many of the recent secular Christmas music has a good chance of sucking anyway.

Classical music with Christmas songs also belong here like The Nutcracker Suite, “Patta Pan,” “Ukranian Bell Carol,” and “Ave Maria.” These are beautiful melodies and I see no reason why anyone shouldn’t be made to listen to them.

Many recent Christmas songs like “Let It Snow,” “Winter Wonderland,” “White Christmas,” “Jingle Bell Rock,” “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” or “Walking Around the Christmas Tree” since many of them have been treasured for generations and aren’t overwhelmingly annoying. Besides, many are also in Christmas canon.

I’d also put many funny Christmas songs in this category as well since I always like a good laugh now and then. Some of the songs from Stephen Colbert’s Christmas special are hilarious like “Another Christmas Song,” “Little Dealer Boy,” “There Are Far Worse Things to Believe In,” and “Cold, Cold, Christmas.” I’d also like to add “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” since it has so many clever insults, the spoof of that Nat King Cole song talking about roasting critters, the one about a girl wanted a hippo for Christmas (though real hippos are perhaps among the most aggressive and dangerous animals on the planet), and others.

The Bad

“Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”- the Bruce Springsteen version is particularly bad since he sounds constipated singing it.

“All I Want for Christmas Is You”- decent song until the music video featuring Justin Bieber came along.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”- I actually had to learn this in music class in elementary school and even then I thought it was kind of messed up. The kid basically sees his mother making out with Santa Claus which may cause the boy to either think his mother’s been cheating on his dad or (far more likely) that Santa is actually his dad and doesn’t exist. Nevertheless, his Christmas is ruined and he’ll spend significant time in therapy as an adult.

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”- when you really think about it, this is a really sick song trying to make light of something not funny at all. I mean it’s about an old woman who gets killed being run over by Santa Claus while walking home after getting drunk on Christmas Eve. Seriously, do any of you know how many people get killed during the holidays from drunk driving accidents?

“Baby It’s Cold Outside”- this is pretty messed up, too, and may romanticize date rape. A man tries to convince a woman to stay at his house for unspeakable activities while she really wants to leave. Apparently the guy doesn’t get that no means no and does anything he can to keep her there. Jerk. Still, since this was probably recorded in the 1950s, I don’t think he’d have access to roofies since they were a 1970s product. Nevertheless, it’s pretty creepy and misogynistic and there are plenty of YouTube videos on this.

“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” -a Christmas song to make us feel guilty about starving children in Africa, apparently not one many people would want to hear.

“Christmas Don’t Be Late”- a song by Alvin in the Chipmunks which explains why the Nat King Cole parody “Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire” is so goddamn funny. Seriously, this song is torture and I wonder if they use it at Gitmo during the holidays.

“Christmas Shoes”- it’s like the Christmas song equivalent to a Thomas Kinkade painting, in a way his reputation is known to art students. I listened to this song once and it’s just so saccharine and badly written. Same goes for other Christmas songs.

“Santa Baby”- hmm, so the girl in this song treats Santa Claus like he’s her sugar daddy and willing to bang him to get whatever she wants. Perhaps she should just forget about banging Santa and marry a Wall Street banker if she’s such a gold digger. Also, her sexually suggestive references to Santa are kind of disturbing.

“Jingle Bells”- well, perhaps it’s one of the more annoying songs but if you read some of the lesser known verses, you find that this isn’t the innocent Christmas carol you thought it was. Sure it’s about youthful fun but sometimes this song makes light on what you’d call a reckless driving incident shown here:

“A day or two ago
I thought I’d take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
We got into a drifted bank
And then we got upshot”

Then there’s another verse where he falls out of his sleigh and his rival just laughs at him. In the original version there’s another when he’s giving his friend advice on how to pick up girls, find a faster horse, and take off at full speed, obviously not learning his lesson on led to his problems in the first place. Some things haven’t changed since 1857.

Many country songs pertaining to Christmas tend to fall into this category since they could range from either depressing like John Denver’s “Please, Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk for Christmas” to the obnoxiously political which I don’t want to go into. These songs either make me feel annoyed, depressed, or angry.

The Annoying

“The 12 Days of Christmas”- not a bad song but kind of too long and not appropriate for a Christmas concert.

“Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer”- sweet kids’ song but I’ll eventually get sick of it by the time Christmas rolls around.

“The Little Drummer Boy”- never really liked this song and played it in band once, have been fed up with it ever since.

“Frosty the Snowman”- will be in my head for days on end to the point of driving me crazy. Has also been done to death.

“Dominick the Donkey”-this is one deriving from Italy yet might be best used to divert intruders. It’s just so annoying that it drives me insane.

“All I want for Christmas Is My Two-Front Teeth”- might have liked the song when I was a kid but now can only tolerate it being played once a year.

“Feliz Navidad”- just don’t get me started.