A while ago, I had a post about Christmas trees. But this time I’ve reserved this post on Christmas tree decorations. Of course, we always decorate Christmas trees with all kinds of things like lights, toppers, trimmings, ornaments, and others. Many can range from those bought in a store or used as gifts to those homemade or part of a child’s craft project. Many of them may seem to be of great craftsmanship or of sentimental value while others well, may be better off set at the bottom of the tree where your toddler can smash and break so you wouldn’t have to explain its presence later. Also, it would make the tree look better as well. Either way, most people are usually stuck with putting them on the tree year after year. So here is a collection of possible inappropriate Christmas trimmings that should never grace a Christmas tree (well, ones within some bounds of PG-13 decency that is, but I will post links for some of the not so wholesome ones because there’s plenty of Christmas ornaments out there I can’t even post on this blog nor want to).
I. The Lights
1. Now you know how tacky having a leg lamp would be from the movie A Christmas Story, but imagine having a string of them on your own Christmas tree.
2. Tropical paradise? Well, have a string of illuminated flamingos and palm trees.
3. For college fraternity Christmas trees, I’d recommend the Budweiser beer can light strand so you can be the life of the party before Christmas vacation.
II. The Toppers
4. For all you religious freaks out there, here’s a topper of Christ the King in his resplendent white robes and flat-ironed hair.
5. Nothing says Peace on Earth than topping your tree with a star made out of shotgun shells.
6. For all you Harry Potter fans out there, we have the Sorting Hat tree topper where you find whether your tree will be sorted into Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Gryffindor.
7. For those tired of the constant Christmas cheer, here’s a crying angel tree topper.
8. Keep annoying guests away with the evil monster tree topper.
9. To match one’s Budweiser can Christmas lights, here’s a Busch Angel to top the tree.
10. For those sick in their minds, here’s an eyeless baby tree topper for the season.
11. If Busch Angel doesn’t seem your fancy here’s a Bud Light Tree Star.
12. Why have the Grinch steal Christmas if he can be on top of your tree instead?
13. For dog lovers, here’s a dog angel tree topper.
14. For your secular humanists out there, here’s a tree topper of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
15. Seriously, oh, God, no! A Justin Bieber tree topper.
III. The Ornaments
16. Have a Wunderbar Christmas with these Swastika ornaments on your very Nazi tree your Furher can be proud of.
17. There’s nothing like having an armed fetus as your Christmas tree ornament to make a stand for your traditional American values.
18. Nothing can traumatize your kids more than seeing Santa with a thong.
19. Or Santa kidnapping naughty children in his sack.
20. Or Winnie the Pooh in a bikini.
21. Or the Krampus.
22. Didn’t know what Santa wore under his red suit.
23. What girl wouldn’t refuse putting a sexy merman on her tree?
24. And for those down South, here’s some flamingo ornaments.
25. Stuffed ornaments: so adorable even if they are fragments of bodily waste.
26. I’ll let the ad speak for itself.
27. Why not have your Christmas baubles double as billiard balls?
28. Let’s have your Chimney Charlie rise from your chimney.
29. And here’s Jesus up your chimney in a crown of lights to mark the suffering his birthday has experienced with secularism and commercialism.
30. What more can you have on your Christmas tree than the daughter of Chucky?
31. Now you can be sure your nutcrackers support America’s Football Team.
32. Of course, your dead Santa head is a fine addition for your Nightmare Before Christmas Party.
33. And here’s the Nutcracker’s Kentucky cousin Bubba.
34. What more can you ask for than a lovely catfish on your tree?
35. A reindeer can never be overdressed.
36. See the baby Jesus like you never seen him before.
37. Grandma got run over by a reindeer but Santa wasn’t responsible.
38. What more adorable craft ornament can you ask for than a cork reindeer?
39. Didn’t know Santa was a senior naturist was he?
40. You shouldn’t bug Santa while he’s on his private business.
41. For the microbiologist in your life, here’s some stuffed microbe ornaments for their tree.
42. Nothing says Peace on Earth than a wooden gun on your tree.
43. Of course, you don’t want to bother a bear packing heat don’t you?
44. Seriously, Jersey Shore ornaments? Oh, hell no!
45. Well, here’s old Fishy reeling in a couple of marshmallows for his chocolate and graham cracker barge.
46. Because your tree may be inhabited by smoking squirrels.
47. No stuffed ornament tree would be complete without Monster Tree.
48. What’s that on the ballerina pig’s head?
49. Of course, you can’t have Christmas without Santa praying to the Baby Jesus.
50. And nothing says Merry Christmas like a bikini clad hippopotamus.