Of course, what Christmas wouldn’t be without the big guy himself, Santa Claus? Every year on Christmas Eve he travels all over the world on his reindeer powered sleight, breaks into people’s houses through the chimney, eats their milk and cookies (or Guinness in Ireland), and leaves presents for the kids. Still, there are many decorations depicting Santa Claus and while some of them may be nice, others may seem to belong in a Stephen King novel. Nevertheless, they come in all shapes and sizes. So you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout because I’m telling you why. Now here is a collection of some of the sketchiest Santa decor you will ever see.
1. This light up Santa figurine will haunt your dreams.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake.” Or else Santa may kill you.
2. Just because Santa’s sleigh may be pulled by reindeer, doesn’t mean other deer are safe from him.
Sorry, Bambi, be as good as you can, but you still won’t be safe from Santa.
3. Just him and Frosty roasting by the fire or doing something else.
Seriously, you don’t want to know. Also, why is Frosty near a fire?
4. Sometimes Santa just has an accident.
So now he’s hanging on the gutters of someone’s house.
5. Hippie Santa says, “Peace on earth, and rock on, dude.”
So, kids, perhaps you should forget leaving Santa cookies and perhaps leave him some of those special hashish brownies, if it’s legal in your jurisdiction.
6. Looks like Santa hasn’t adjusted to greater air traffic.
And to think him of all people would know better than to crash into a 747.
7. Or vehicle traffic in general.
No wonder Santa would rather enter through the chimney.
8. Looks like Santa has just had a few too many.
A good reason why you shouldn’t leave any alcohol for Santa. But many people do, especially in Ireland.
9. Santa salutes America’s finest.
Seriously, why is Santa wearing camo. And doesn’t he travel to other countries as well? I mean he’s more of an international figure.
10. Hey, even Santa has to relieve himself once in awhile.
Of course, you don’t want to go in there after Santa has done his duty.
11. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” than seeing a naked Santa at a pizza place.
Wearing nothing but his hat, socks, and mistletoe on his privates.
12. Of course, sometimes there’s a reason why some kids may be scared of seeing Santa at the mall.
A perfect Santa figurine for Stephen King who probably has one in his house already.
13. Who needs a sleigh when you have a camper?
Doesn’t really have the same ring as sleigh, doesn’t it? Also, he’s sharing it with the reindeer?
14. Cozy up for Christmas with the Hot Santa couch cushion.
Now I understand why Mommy was kissing Santa Claus.
15. Have a Santa Claus toilet set to grace your royal throne.
Now you can have your commode in the spirit of the season while your guests are taking a crap.
16. Why have a red suit when Santa can have Goldfinger’s pajamas?
I think James Bond gave them to him in order to compensate all the bad things he’s done this year. Also, this Santa is pretty creepy and can give kids nightmares.
17. If you don’t have a chimney, you can always give him a ladder for him to climb through the front door.
But would you’d want to risk it with such a flimsy ladder?
18. Of course what wouldn’t your Christmas be like if Santa wasn’t on his white reindeer in a hula skirt?
Seriously, whoever designed this must’ve been on a brown acid trip in Hawaii.
19. Even Santa is quite an angler with the rod and the reel.
Actually doesn’t seem to look much like Santa than as a creepy old fisherman. Still, I’m not sure if Santa is a fishing type.
20. Still, like many Santa can’t resist a John Deere Tractor.
Seriously, why the hell is Santa on a tractor? He lives in the North Pole so I’m not sure he has any use for one.
21. And here’s a sweet lifelike Saint Nick you’d see in your neighborhood drugstore.
There can be such a thing as too lifelike. Also, I’ve seen a lot of these things over this time of year and let me say, they’re not cute. They’re creepy.
22. Would you want this guy leave presents for your kids?
Why is it about certain Santa decorations that makes them so terrifying?
23. Santa as a serial killer? And I thought he was good with kids.
Introducing Santa Claus the Homicidal Maniac. So, kids, be good, or else.
24. Sometimes Santa just doesn’t have anything to wear.
But that doesn’t explain why his pjs look like they’re fresh from a comic book convention.
25. Fill your drinks through a Santa drink dispenser.
Kind of looks like he’s peeing when you press the button.
26. In a galaxy far, far away, children receive their presents from Yoda Claus.
“Been good this year, you have?” said Yoda Claus. “So what for Christmas this year you want?”
27. Even Santa needs to come prepared.
So he can shoot bambi from the watchtower like all the other hunters.
28. Just Santa and the Mrs. taking some time off.
Not sure if I’m all right with seeing them like this, especially without their feet covered.
29. What the hell is Santa holding in his hand?
Looks more like a giant popsicle to me.
30. Even Santa may get the seventh year itch.
You know many parents would object to this. And I’m not sure if we want to see what Santa has underneath. Seriously, why?