Word of the big lion show has spread far and wide that it draws a sizable crowd. There’s even a reporter named Geraldine Julienne talking to Count Olaf who states that he’s not Count Omar who the Baudelaires murdered (except they didn’t since Olaf framed them for killing Jacques). As Madame Lulu, Olivia takes responsibility escorting the freaks and the Baudelaires toward the pit and with the fan belt for their escape vehicle in tow. Meanwhile, Count Olaf comes out to warm up the raucous crowd and allows them to speculate on who will be thrown into the pit of lions, saying: “Observe Hugo’s funny back. Think about how silly it is that Colette can bend herself into all sorts of strange positions. Giggle at the absurdity of Kevin’s ambidextrous arms and legs. Snicker at Beverly and Elliot, the two-headed freak. And laugh so hard you can scarcely breathe at Chabo the Wolf Baby.” The crowd does as instructed but the also mock the Hook-Handed Man and a guy with zits.

The song I chose here is “Razzle Dazzle” from Chicago. In the original version, Billy Flynn coaches Roxie how to charm the jury and get away with killing a guy. But in this version, I have Count Olaf sing a song to warm up the crowd for the lions show. Though I don’t emphasize so much on getting the audience to speculate. However, I barely changed the lyrics since the song on its own can pretty much describe Olaf to a tee. So he might as well be singing about himself.

 

“Razzle Dazzle” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
Give ’em the old razzle dazzle
Razzle Dazzle ’em
Give ’em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give ’em the old hocus pocus
Bead and feather ’em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?
What if, in fact, you’re just disgusting?

Razzle dazzle ’em
And they’ll never catch wise!

Give ’em the old Razzle Dazzle
Razzle dazzle ’em
Give ‘em a show with a good old lion’s pit

Row after row will crow vociferous

Give ’em the old flim flam flummox
Fool and fracture ’em

How can they hear the truth above the roar?

Throw ’em a fake and a finagle
They’ll never know you’re just a shyster,

Razzle dazzle ’em
And they’ll beg you for more!

Give ’em the old double whammy
Daze and dizzy ’em
Back since the days of old Methuselah
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler

Give ’em the old three ring circus
Stun and stagger ’em
When you’re in trouble, go into your dance

Though you are stiffer than a girder
They’ll let you get away with murder
Razzle dazzle ’em
And you’ve got a romance

Troupe (same time as Count Olaf):
Give ’em the old
Razzle Dazzle

Count Olaf:
Give ’em the old Razzle Dazzle
Razzle dazzle ’em
Show ’em the first-rate sorcerer you are
Long as you keep ’em way off balance
How can they spot you’ve got no talents
Razzle Dazzle ’em

Count Olaf and Troupe:
Razzle Dazzle ’em
Razzle Dazzle ’em
And they’ll make you a star!