A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Poor Unfortunate Souls”

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Of course, giving people what they want regardless on whether it’s the right thing to do, Olivia has caused a great harm to many people during her fortune telling career, including the Baudelaires. Violet confronts her on this but she doesn’t know what else to do. Though Violet suggests not helping Olaf anymore. Nonetheless, the eldest Baudelaire does offer to help with adapting one of the rollercoaster carts with fortune-telling gadget parts to plan their escape. As Olivia agrees to help them. Yet, the children are wary over trusting her. Mostly because she usually gives people what they want without any second thought. And the fact since their parents died, almost every adult in their lives has either miserably failed them, turned out evil, or ended up dead. Unfortunately, their meeting doesn’t last long since Count Olaf comes to call so it’s back into their disguises. Later that evening, a jealous Esme visits the freaks’ caravan in a dress with an “I Love Freaks” sash across her as well as gifts for each freak to have a chance at normalcy. She offers all the freaks a job in Count Olaf’s troupe if the one chosen would push Madame Lulu into the lions’ pit instead. Naturally, the Baudelaires are aghast over the idea. But the other freaks are thrilled to death that they’re eager to sign up.

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The song I decided for these two occasions is “Poor Unfortunate Souls” from The Little Mermaid. The original version basically has Ursula singing how she helps people get what they want but with a cache like a voice for plastic surgery to win over a man you just met. Still, the song reeks with her pizzazz and her sinister nature. In this version, I have Olivia sing the first verse on how she likes to give people what they want. Yet, I got Esme singing the second venting her anger and jealousy over Madame Lulu to the freaks as well as her desire to see the woman dead. I also lengthened the spoken parts as well.

 

“Poor Unfortunate Souls” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Olivia Caliban and Esme Squalor

Violet:
Do you have any idea what harm you cause
With your fake fortunes? Maybe you should
Stop helping Olaf for once.

Olivia:
My dear, sweet child. That’s what I do.
It’s what I live for.
To help unfortunate people like yourself.
Poor souls with no one else to turn to.

I admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty
They weren’t kidding when they called me, well, a bitch
But you’ll find that nowadays
I’ve mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light, and made a switch
True? Yes!
And I fortunately know a little info
My archival has plenty I’ve possessed
And here lately, please don’t laugh
I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed (pathetic)

Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
These kids want to find their parent
That man wants to steal their green
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
They come flocking to my tent
Crying, “Answers, Lulu, please!”
And I help them!
Yes I do

Now it’s happened once or twice
Someone found I’m full of lies
And I’m afraid I had to rake ’em ‘cross the coals
Yes I’ve had the odd complaint
But on the whole I’ve been a saint
To those poor unfortunate souls

Do you understand?

Violet:
Yes, I can invent a vehicle made by nearby and fan belt
From the lightning you use in your fortune telling.

Olivia:
All right…
Best to get to work on it, heh heh.
Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it? Heh heh.
Oh, and there is one more thing.
Best get back in your disguises now.
Olaf’s coming but let this be our little secret.

Violet:
Will you come with us?

Olivia:
Sure, I’ll go with you tomorrow.

Count Olaf:
Yoo, hoo, Madame Lulu.

Olivia (as Madame Lulu):
Just doing a secret ritual with my crystal ball.

Count Olaf:
Haven’t had a shower in ten days.
Won’t have one anytime soon.

(Later at the caravan):

Esme:
I love you freaks. Here are some gifts for you all.
I’m giving you a job to join Count Olaf’s troupe.
What I want from you is – your boss.

Freaks:
Our boss?

Esme:
You’ve got it, sweet-cakes,
If you’re chosen, just throw her in the lion pit.

Violet:
But Madame Lulu doesn’t deserve it.

Esme:
People don’t always get what they deserve.

Klaus:
Besides, there are better ways
To make a living than committing crimes.

Esme:
As long as you throw someone into the pit
It won’t make any hell of a difference. Trust me, ha!

The people really enjoy a lot of violence
They’ll come for a show of blood and gore
So nobody will care who’ll get thrown in the lions’ snare
And after all dear, why not throw in that psychic whore?
Come on, you freaks live lives of constant humiliation
Why not get out of it if you can?
Now I give you an escape
Just throw in that shady dame
Cause why live while she tries to steal my man?

Come on you poor unfortunate souls,
Go ahead!
Make your choice!
I’m a very busy woman and I haven’t got all night
It won’t cost much
Just your boss!
Ya’ poor unfortunate souls
It’s sad but true!
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweets,
You’ve got the pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sleep on it
Oh, my God, yes, now I’ve got her guys
Esme is on a roll
These poor unfortunate souls!

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A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “You May Be Right”

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In reaction, Madame Lulu breaks down. She starts crying and wailing about how ashamed she is. She throws off her disguise, revealing to the Baudelaires that she’s not Madame Lulu but Olivia. Nor is she a real fortune teller but pretends to be one because that’s what people want her to be. After all, her motive is “give people what they want” which is rather dubious and not the kind of advice you should take. As for her information? She admits mostly getting it from libraries, mostly despite being in the middle of nowhere. Though she does admit to making stuff up. So does she know whether or which one of the Baudelaire parents survived and where they are? No, but if one of them did, she figures that they’d be in the Mortmain Mountains. And that she doesn’t know where the rest of the Snicket File is either. However, she’s quite knowledgable with V.F.D. discussing how she recognized their costumes as being straight from the disguise kit. She also talks about how the organization is neither bad or good as well as the schism. And some how people do bad things out of good convictions.

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The song I chose for this is “You May Be Right” by Billy Joel. In the original version, the guy’s basically telling the girl, “Yeah, I may be a crazy jerk who makes a mess of things. But c’mon, you like me but don’t want to admit it.” In this version I have Olivia throw off her disguise and answer some of the Baudelaires’ questions. Though I can’t really keep some of the details in given the song’s structure. But I tried my best.

 

“You May Be Right” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Olivia Caliban

Crashed my tent and smashed my crystal
Call me fraud and that wasn’t cool
Make me cry and now I feel ashamed
I just give them what they want
I’m not hurting anyone
And my clients enjoy my fortune-telling ways

Let me throw this disguise to illustrate
I’m not Madam Lulu that I portray
Olivia Caliban is my proper name
I’m what they want me here
Though I’m not even a seer
So all that just only proves that I’m a fake

You may be right
I may be shady
But I might just give whatever that you’re looking for
Turn out the light
Please don’t berate me
I may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

So you three are all the Baudelaires
Disguised as freaks within my fair
Want to know about the info I obtain
It’s from libraries I swear
Though I make stuff then and there
Though most can’t really tell the difference anyway

Not sure if your parent’s survived the fire
I’ll somehow try to satisfy you
Try the Mortmain Mountains if you may
Last V.F.D. home base
Thought you were disguise trained
Though these kits might be used for what you may

You may be right
I may be shady
But I might just give whatever that you’re looking for
Some folks think they’re right
But they’re just damn crazy
I may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be shady
But I might just give whatever that you’re looking for
Turn out the light
Please don’t berate me
I may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right
I may be wrong but you may be right
I may be wrong but you may be right

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Great Seer”

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The crash of the crystal ball draws attention to none other than Madame Lulu in her tent. Instead of freaking out, the Baudelaires confront her since they know she’s a fraud and have something they can use against her. They ask whether what she said about their parent is true or made up, V.F.D., and where she gets her information. They also come clean as the Baudelaires and tell her they have the last page of the Snicket File. Though to be fair Violet was wearing her ribbon while Klaus had his glasses on.

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The song I went with for this part is “Grey Seal” by Elton John. Written by Bernie Taupin, the song doesn’t have much of a clear meaning though there are theories. But in this version, I have the Baudelaires confront Madame Lulu and come clean with their identities as well as the questions they ask. Though the “Great Seer” title isn’t meant with sincerity. Because they already know that she’s a fraud.

 

“Great Seer”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
Long time we thought our folks had died
But recently
You told our enemy one may still be alive
You said the survivor’s in the Mortmain Mountains
But is there a way you can be certain?
Or did you just give Olaf what he wants

Both:
And tell us great seer
Can you tell us
Which one survived?
And can you tell us
Without a sorcerer’s guise?
Tell us great seer

Violet:
We’re the Baudelaires and on the lam
We dressed as freaks
To get into your carnival
We don’t know much of V.F.D.
Or all its secrets never known to me
Of the kind our folks never had us see

Both:
And tell us great seer
Can you tell us
Which one survived?
And can you tell us
Without a sorcerer’s guise?
Tell us great seer

Violet:
Your fortune telling act is just a parlor trick
Your magic effects are ropes and pulleys
With a smoke and mirror schtick
Under table you keep all archives
You search as your guests close their eyes
Does Olaf know your magic is one of lies?

Both:
And tell us great seer
Can you tell us
Which one survived?
And can you tell us
Without a sorcerer’s guise?
Tell us great seer

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Stage Lights”

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As the Baudelaires rummage into Madame Lulu’s tent, they discover that she’s no psychic at all. Just a fraud. The magical effects are the stuff of a machine consisting of cables, ropes, pulleys, mirrors, switches, and smoke. And how does she get her information? Well, she relies on an archival library under the table of her crystal ball. So if anyone wants to know something, she has them close their eyes before she goes under the table to find what she needs. Disturbingly, she’s been keeping track of the Baudelaires since she has a picture of them at Damocles Dock, a student listing from Prufrock Prep, and an article of V.F.D. taking the kids in. Obviously, the children are freaked out. But they decide to take whatever has their names on it. Then they displace the crystal ball which falls the floor and smashes.

Madame Lulu's Tent

The song I selected for this moment is “Stage Fright” by The Band. Of course, the original version is about a guy experiencing stage fright as well as the pitfalls of fortune and fame. In this version, I have the Baudelaires discovering the truth about Madame Lulu.

 

“Stage Lights”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
We’re here inside Madame Lulu’s tent
Got to find where she gets her content
Need my ribbon with me just to think
Thank you, Klaus, this will do the trick

Seems like our seer uses stage lights
Her fortune tricks with this mirror device
Which can only work with the sunlight
That means she’s a big fake
Yet, Olaf trusts in her anyway

Klaus:
There’s a library under that crystal ball
Seems like she has lots of documents on us all
So this is how Count Olaf goes to see
To find out wherever just where we’ll be

Seems like our seer uses archives
She gets to under her table lights
While her clients close their eyes
But when they open again
She has an answer ready for them

My pockets are filled to the brim
Snicket File page
I got some Quagmire notes that we’ve saved
Better get stuff that has our names, oh, ooh ooh ooh

Violet:
Best we shouldn’t pull on the table cloth
Crystal ball might fall off
If that crystal falls on to the floor
It’s Madame Lulu who’ll be at the door

Seems like our seer uses stage lights
Magic effects with a lightning device
Best not get caught in the spotlight
Don’t pull onto that cloth
Or you’d just piss Lulu off, hmm hmm
Don’t wanna to piss her off, hmm hmm
Please don’t piss her off, hmm hmm
Don’t let that glass ball fall off, hmm hmm
It’s Madame Lulu at the door

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Another Day”

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Now that Count Olaf has introduced lions to the scheme and announced that a freak would be thrown in the pit the next day, the Baudelaires figure that they need to go inside Madame Lulu’s tent to find the answers to their questions: What is V.F.D.? Is one of their parents still alive? If so, which one and where are they? And why haven’t their parent found them? Meanwhile, Count Olaf and Esme have gotten into an argument since he gave Madame Lulu lions and she didn’t get smack. Add to that how Esme has been jealous of the fortune teller since they arrived and the attention she receives from her boyfriend. He said he gave her a gift for her “wonderful fortune-telling” but it’s possible Olaf likes being her for more than her abilities. However, it’s possible that Olaf is using Madame Lulu to get what he wants and that the lions are his way of giving her a way to boost carnival popularity. And I’m sure Lulu knows it, too. Not to mention, in the books, she may have a thing for Olaf since she wasn’t happy to know Esme’s his girlfriend. In the show, Madame Lulu only flirts with Count Olaf so he won’t harm her since she has her heart for Jacques Snicket. Though it is possible she could’ve had a relationship with Jacques in the books but you wouldn’t know about it.

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The song I picked at this moment is “Another Day” from RENT. In the original version, Roger is struggling with his feelings for Mimi whom he’s falling for. But since he has AIDS and had a girlfriend die from the disease, he doesn’t want to suffer another heartbreak. So he’s rejecting her and distancing himself from her. Meanwhile, Mimi really wants to be with him. Because she also has AIDS and wants to live for the moment. After all, she doesn’t have long to live anyway. In this version, I have the Baudelaires decide to go into Madame Lulu’s tent while Count Olaf and Esme argue and Madame Lulu struggles with her feelings for the Count as well as her knowledge that he’s a bad dude.

 

“Another Day” (ASOUE Version)

Olivia:
Who does he think he is?
Bringing lions to my carnival
Count Olaf—hey
The exit’s that way
You better go you know
No need to piss off Esme
Take your lions—take your henchmen
Your sweet whisper
I just can’t handle
Well take your hair in the moonlight
Your blue eyes — goodbye, goodnight
I should tell you I should tell you
I should tell you I should — no!
Another time — another place
You’re a vicious psychopath
Now banging Esme
She’s got a husband
Not that you’d even care
Want inside my tent?
Come back another day
Another day

Violet:
We won’t have time for us to burn
Go in her tent to see what we can learn
There is no future
Must find the past
Tomorrow may just be our last
There’s only us
Check Lulu’s tent
Find Mom or Dad
Or it’s our chance to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

Esme:
Excuse me if I’m off track
But if you want me
Then tell me — why do I get smack?
I’m your girlfriend
Don’t I matter here
But Lulu gets
Lions for her fucking stupid fair!
What do you do going inside her tent?
Does she tell your fortune or are you having sex?

Count Olaf:
Another time — another place
I don’t have time for this
So shut your fucking face
Your green jealousy
Is getting in my way
Wanna be a help for me?
Come back another day
Another day

Klaus:
Check Lulu’s tent
Find what we may
We must go in
Who’s there for us
No other course
No other way
No day but today

Violet and Klaus:
We cannot solve

Esme:
Control your temper

Violet and Klaus:
Our questions asked

Olivia:
He doesn’t see

Violet and Klaus:
Where are our folks?

Olivia:
Who says I know what I told?

Esme:
Madame Lulu has to pay

Count Olaf:
Just let me be

Violet and Klaus:
There’s only now
There’s only here
Check Lulu’s tent
To see who’s here
That tattooed eye
Spells V.F.D.
We’ll find what we may

Olivia (simultaneously):
Who does he think he is?
Bringing lions to my carnival
Count Olaf, hey
The exit’s that way
No need to piss off Esme

Violet and Klaus:
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today

Olivia (simultaneously):
Take your lions; take your henchmen
Take your blue eyes, your handsome smile, your silhouette
Another time, another place
Don’t go inside, don’t see my face
Esme’s envy will not go away
Want inside, another day

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “For the Benefit of Caligari”

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As the Baudelaires go outside to drink their hot chocolate under the pretense of visiting the gift caravan, Count Olaf pulls in. So they don’t have much time to investigate her tent. And he’s towing a trailer filled with starved lions for a new attraction. His plan? Well, as he put it, he wants the lions to replace the tagliatelle whip. In other words, he’s devising that the lions to eat one of the freaks thrown into a pit. After all, freaks live such miserable lives that they won’t care to sacrifice their lives for a lion’s meal. Except while the crowd is in a Hunger Games like frenzy and excited for the upcoming blood and gore, the freaks and the Baudelaires aren’t okay with it for obvious reasons. But unfortunately, the crowd loves the idea so it’s guaranteed to be fantastic hit. Thankfully, the Baudelaires have some time to go into Madame Lulu’s tent before tomorrow.

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Of course, I had to use “For the Benefit of Mr. Kite” by the Beatles from their Sergeant Pepper album for this. Since this song is also announcing some death defying circus act involving Mr. Kite jumping through a hoop of real fire. Obviously, having a freak jump through a ring of fire would’ve been an easier and cheaper attraction idea for Count Olaf. Besides, he’s a pyromaniac. But the guy’s so despicable that he doesn’t care who dies for the sake of entertainment. Since the lions are his way of paying Madame Lulu. In this version, Count Olaf announces that a freak will be thrown into a pit of lions. Still, I kept some of the original elements in the Beatles song as an added bonus.

 

“For the Benefit of Caligari”

Sung by Count Olaf

For the benefit of Caligari
There will be a show next day for all to see

The Hendersons will all be there
Late of Pablo Fanques Fair, what a scene!

The freaks will do their stunts as side acts
Before one’s thrown in a pit of real lions!
In this way Caligari will challenge the world!

The anticipated lion scene
Is taking place on Saturday at Bishopsgate

The Hendersons will dance and sing
As one freak’s pushed off the cliff, don’t be late!

Madame L and I assure the public
Our production will be second to none
And of course, Henry the Horse dances the waltz!

The band begins at ten to six
When a freak jumps into the pit without a sound

The lions will devour him
In gory fashion to the raves from a large crowd

Having been some days in preparation
A splendid time is guaranteed for all
And today Madame L is topping the bill!

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Everything’s Alright”

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As the Baudelaires plan to infiltrate Madame Lulu’s tent, the other freaks wonder why they’re so obsessed with going there. It’s not like they have anything better to do. But the kids try to convince the other freaks there are better opportunities out there for them. After all, there’s as much for a two-headed person as there is for an ambidextrous guy like Kevin. Though to be fair, being ambidextrous isn’t exactly freakish and there are plenty of people who could write with two hands leading normal lives. Hell, we even had an ambidextrous president though he was shot. But not for that. Anyway, the freaks make hot chocolate where Sunny’s addition of cinnamon has improved its taste.

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For this, I chose “Everything’s Alright” from Jesus Christ Superstar. The original version has Mary Magdalene soothe Jesus after a long day of arguing with his disciples. Though Judas and Jesus argue at a couple points. In this version, I have the freaks convince the Baudelaires to forget about their worries and lay off their fixation with Madame Lulu’s tent. Though I also have Violet and Klaus convince the freaks they there are better options than performing in a freak show. By the way, I also used this one for the Hunger Games musical as well.

 

“Everything’s Alright” (ASOUE Version)

Hugo:
Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don’t you know
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we’ll get by, so forget all about it tonight

Freaks:
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes.

Kevin:
Sleep and we shall soothe you, calm you, and entreat you
There’s nothing else for us, oh
So please feel
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s fine.
There’s not a lot of great opportunities
For co-joins and ambidexts like me.
Close your eyes, close your eyes
And relax, think of nothing tonight.

Freaks:
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes.

Violet:
Freaks, in your old wagon, all numb and complacent
All of you can do so much more.
Why do you remain here? How can you stand it?
Humiliated and so abhorred
Depart from this side show, there’s a world out there
There’s so much more than what’s right here!

Colette:
Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don’t you know
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Forget about Lulu’s tent for now tonight.
If we try, we’ll get by, so forget all about that tonight.

Freaks:
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes.

Klaus:
Surely, you’re saying we all obsessed with
Madam Lulu’s fortune tent
Hooked man said something about the Baudelaire parents
Bert or Bea may not be dead yet
Madame Lulu may know who
She might even tell us, too
Got to know, got to find were they are, or we’re screwed.

Hugo:
Sleep and we shall soothe you, calm you and entreat you.
Here’s some hot chocolate, oh
Then you’ll feel
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s fine.
Chabo’s added cinnamon and the coco’s sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes, and relax
Think of nothing tonight.

Freaks:
Close your eyes, close your eyes, and relax
Think of nothing
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes.