A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Poor Unfortunate Souls”


Of course, giving people what they want regardless on whether it’s the right thing to do, Olivia has caused a great harm to many people during her fortune telling career, including the Baudelaires. Violet confronts her on this but she doesn’t know what else to do. Though Violet suggests not helping Olaf anymore. Nonetheless, the eldest Baudelaire does offer to help with adapting one of the rollercoaster carts with fortune-telling gadget parts to plan their escape. As Olivia agrees to help them. Yet, the children are wary over trusting her. Mostly because she usually gives people what they want without any second thought. And the fact since their parents died, almost every adult in their lives has either miserably failed them, turned out evil, or ended up dead. Unfortunately, their meeting doesn’t last long since Count Olaf comes to call so it’s back into their disguises. Later that evening, a jealous Esme visits the freaks’ caravan in a dress with an “I Love Freaks” sash across her as well as gifts for each freak to have a chance at normalcy. She offers all the freaks a job in Count Olaf’s troupe if the one chosen would push Madame Lulu into the lions’ pit instead. Naturally, the Baudelaires are aghast over the idea. But the other freaks are thrilled to death that they’re eager to sign up.


The song I decided for these two occasions is “Poor Unfortunate Souls” from The Little Mermaid. The original version basically has Ursula singing how she helps people get what they want but with a cache like a voice for plastic surgery to win over a man you just met. Still, the song reeks with her pizzazz and her sinister nature. In this version, I have Olivia sing the first verse on how she likes to give people what they want. Yet, I got Esme singing the second venting her anger and jealousy over Madame Lulu to the freaks as well as her desire to see the woman dead. I also lengthened the spoken parts as well.


“Poor Unfortunate Souls” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Olivia Caliban and Esme Squalor

Do you have any idea what harm you cause
With your fake fortunes? Maybe you should
Stop helping Olaf for once.

My dear, sweet child. That’s what I do.
It’s what I live for.
To help unfortunate people like yourself.
Poor souls with no one else to turn to.

I admit that in the past I’ve been a nasty
They weren’t kidding when they called me, well, a bitch
But you’ll find that nowadays
I’ve mended all my ways
Repented, seen the light, and made a switch
True? Yes!
And I fortunately know a little info
My archival has plenty I’ve possessed
And here lately, please don’t laugh
I use it on behalf
Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed (pathetic)

Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
These kids want to find their parent
That man wants to steal their green
And do I help them?
Yes, indeed
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
They come flocking to my tent
Crying, “Answers, Lulu, please!”
And I help them!
Yes I do

Now it’s happened once or twice
Someone found I’m full of lies
And I’m afraid I had to rake ’em ‘cross the coals
Yes I’ve had the odd complaint
But on the whole I’ve been a saint
To those poor unfortunate souls

Do you understand?

Yes, I can invent a vehicle made by nearby and fan belt
From the lightning you use in your fortune telling.

All right…
Best to get to work on it, heh heh.
Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it? Heh heh.
Oh, and there is one more thing.
Best get back in your disguises now.
Olaf’s coming but let this be our little secret.

Will you come with us?

Sure, I’ll go with you tomorrow.

Count Olaf:
Yoo, hoo, Madame Lulu.

Olivia (as Madame Lulu):
Just doing a secret ritual with my crystal ball.

Count Olaf:
Haven’t had a shower in ten days.
Won’t have one anytime soon.

(Later at the caravan):

I love you freaks. Here are some gifts for you all.
I’m giving you a job to join Count Olaf’s troupe.
What I want from you is – your boss.

Our boss?

You’ve got it, sweet-cakes,
If you’re chosen, just throw her in the lion pit.

But Madame Lulu doesn’t deserve it.

People don’t always get what they deserve.

Besides, there are better ways
To make a living than committing crimes.

As long as you throw someone into the pit
It won’t make any hell of a difference. Trust me, ha!

The people really enjoy a lot of violence
They’ll come for a show of blood and gore
So nobody will care who’ll get thrown in the lions’ snare
And after all dear, why not throw in that psychic whore?
Come on, you freaks live lives of constant humiliation
Why not get out of it if you can?
Now I give you an escape
Just throw in that shady dame
Cause why live while she tries to steal my man?

Come on you poor unfortunate souls,
Go ahead!
Make your choice!
I’m a very busy woman and I haven’t got all night
It won’t cost much
Just your boss!
Ya’ poor unfortunate souls
It’s sad but true!
If you want to cross a bridge, my sweets,
You’ve got the pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sleep on it
Oh, my God, yes, now I’ve got her guys
Esme is on a roll
These poor unfortunate souls!


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