Once Klaus suggests the idea that the Sugar Bowl is probably hidden in a cave marked G.G., Fiona is the first to know exactly what he’s talking about. Immediately, she goes into her Mushroom Minutiae. Named after the snake haired ladies who’ll turn you to stone if you just look at them, it’s used as a quarantine Medusoid Mycelium, a rare form of poisonous mushroom that waxes and wanes periodically. But when it waxes, breathe or ingest a single spore, you will die within an hour (unless you receive an antidote in that period, which is fortunately not difficult to find if you like hamburgers or hotdogs). However, what makes the Medusoid Mycelium poisonous isn’t that it’s toxic in the conventional sense. But because it can grow on more surfaces than dandelions, even on those where it would be impossible for other plants and fungi to grow. And it thrives in dark, enclosed spaces like the human body. Once a Medusoid Mycelium spore is in your body, it grows thickly and rapidly inside that it will constrict your throat and chock you to death.
Ironically, I used “Colors of the Wind” for this which has Pocahontas showing John Smith how to respect nature and see Indians like herself as human beings. It’s a beautiful song. But in this version, I have Fiona describing some really sick stuff here pertaining to the Gorgonian Grotto and the Medusoid Mycelium. Then again, anyone who knows a thing about American history knows that what happened to Pocahontas and her people isn’t very pretty at all.
“Gorgonian Grotto”
Sung by Fiona
You think it’s in the Gorgonian Grotto
And you’ve done so much research
I guess it must be so
But please you must take heed
There are poisonous fungi
How can there be so much that you don’t know?
You don’t know…
The Medusoid Mycelium grows inside this grotto
Where it serves as this mushroom’s quarantine
Since this place has a such remote location
But it’s not the kind of place I’d rather be
You might not notice the mycelium around you
Since its branches are almost like unseen thread
Yet, when these mushrooms sprout to blossom
Eat or breathe one spore within the hour and you’re dead
While this dead shroom’s not a toxin that you can’t digest
But there’s barely any surface it doesn’t grow
As it thrives the best in tight and enclosed spaces
It will kill you when one spore’s planted in your throat
Where it will constrict your windpipe until you choke
Are you’re sure that the Sugar Bowl’s inside there
Because the mycelium makes that cave unsafe
Cause returning with spores on us spells disaster
While the mushrooms will soon kill us anyway
Do we really have to go inside the grotto?
Is the Sugar Bowl really worth that much hell?
We’ve had enough strife with the V.F.D. schism
Cause I don’t know if this will all go very well
How fast does the mycelium grow?
Let it grow inside, then you’ll surely choke
While this dead shroom’s not a toxin that you can’t digest
Yet, it’s possible there might be an antidote
As it thrives the best in tight and enclosed spaces
It will kill you when one spore’s planted in your throat
Though we all must get some sleep
I’m not quite sure that we
Should go inside the Gorgonian Grotto
Things get chaotic as the Queequeg crew is interrupted by an approaching submarine on the sonar. Symbolized by an eye logo, it’s a ship shaped like a giant octopus with many tentacles. But inside, they see Count Olaf. Fortunately, the shut down all of the Queequeg’s engines and remain as silent as possible until the octo-sub passes and Olaf doesn’t notice them. Just as things get more tense, they see a third shape of the question mark pass by as well that the crew doesn’t see. Yet, it seems to scare Count Olaf. Anyway, while I’m not sure what the Queequeg runs on and think it can possibly be a nuclear sub, the octo-sub is run by the labor of children from the Snow Scouts, Prufrock Prep, among others. Oh, and did I now tell you he intends to burn their parents’ houses and steal their fortunes?
The song I picked is “Hurricane” from Hamilton in which the title character describes how one destroyed his town in his Caribbean home and how he wrote his way out of hell for a new life in the colonies. Now that he found himself in the midst of a blackmail and sex scandal, he decides to write his way out of that, too, with the Reynolds Pamphlet. However, this results in the whole thing blowing in Alex’s face. In this version, I have Klaus describe his experience with Hurricane Herman and how he intends to read the maps to find the Sugar Bowl.
Since this is a musical, any hint of sexual tension is bound to be exploited to the nth degree here, I decided to have Fiona sing “Come a Little Bit Closer” by Jay & the Americans which was featured in the second Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. The original version tells a story of a young woman romantically involved with Jose but seduces the narrator with flattering words until he’s love-stricken. After they kiss and Jose chases the guy away, she uses the exact same words on him, suggesting she goes with the same script for every suitor. In other words, she’s a player, y’all. In this version, I have Fiona entice Klaus since she’s the only guy she’s seen in a long time.
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 