The Wonderful World of Thanksgiving Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 13, 2014

As with most holidays, cakes seem to have a special place. And Thanksgiving is no exception. Of course, the motifs are turkey, Pilgrims, Indians, pumpkins, cornucopia, and fall. Of course, you’ve probably seen some of them in my previous post on Thanksgiving treats. Still, I could go on and on about the nice lovely turkey day cakes I’ve seen. However, all that would make you unwilling to view such post. So instead, I’ll show you some other cakes that you might not want around at your family home on Thanksgiving. Whether it’s poor depictions of turkeys or something you don’t want your kids to see, sometimes mistakes are made. So without further adieu, here are some of the cakes featuring Thanksgiving blunders.

1. I’m sorry about your cornfield being hit by that tornado.

Wait a minute, this is a cornucopia? Still, at least we can be thankful for not having to see those giant corny death rays.

2. Looks like that Pilgrim Father’s wearing a hat that seems 3 sizes too small.

Are you sure this isn’t a cake meant to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day? Just saying. Then again, he may just have been covering a receding hairline.

3. This cake is a representation of what happens if you give a Butterball Turkey to a vegetarian.

That’s right. Give a turkey to a vegetarian and it will sit in the fridge for days until it gathers mildew and starts to smell terribly.

4. As we all say, “In one end and out the other.”

Yet, as far as this cake decorator was concerned, I wonder if he or she was sure which end was which. I mean the head seems to be iced on the wrong end.

5. This bird’s on fire, it’s rolling down the road…..

Basically this is what happens to a turkey if you think cooking one for Thanksgiving is setting one on fire while alive.

6. While some say “Happy Thanksgiving,” others take a bit of artistic license.

From Cakewrecks: “And lo, they laid the baby glow worm in a manger, and saideth, ‘Thanks AND Giving’ Lo. Cometh hath. And sucheth.”

7. As he awaited his torment in the infernal regions of Hell, Tom the Turkey stood there wondering what he had ever done to deserve such wretched fate.

Then again, he’s probably roasting in some oven or something. Perhaps awaiting to meet his death through heat exhaustion.

8. Now this turkey seems to be a little too well done here.

Of course, even though this turkey cake looks burnt, it’s probably better to eat than the real thing.

9. Now I’ve never seen quite a turkey with elaborate tail feathers on its head.

Of course, this turkey seems to have a very colorful personality and possibly too much of the brown acid at Woodstock.

10. Sure turkeys are big, but they’re utterly helpless when surrounded by mice.

For God’s sake, this turkey’s feathers seem to resemble punk spikes. Also, what’s with the creepy mice?

11. Even when gutted, plucked, stuffed, and baked, this turkey seems to be surprisingly good at yoga.

Of course, I’m quite sure that turkeys certainly don’t have their legs stretched out like that. Still, doesn’t look right for some reason.

12. Nothing says Thanksgiving than having a turkey being surrounded by tiny phalluses and turd flames.

Of course, this doesn’t look like a turkey in as much as it resembles some weird angry bird’s head about to explode.

13. Now this bird seems to be a little rambunctious.

Either this turkey is just overexcited over something, in panic mode, or just plain high on some LSD.

14. Perhaps this turkey is pining for the fjords.

“‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This turkey is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e
rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TURKEY!!”

15. A rolling pumpkin gathers no vines.

Whereas this pumpkin cake seems to have a stem at the top of it that resembles a turd. Perhaps some creature just took a dump on it.

16. Oh great, I always wanted to have a Thanksgiving barbecued turkey dinner.

Of course, it doesn’t really look a real turkey. Barbecued or otherwise. Still, are those real raw potatoes? Now that’s strange.

17. Thanksgiving turkey or just a walking mutant turkey headed gingerbread man in a burning wheat field?

Seems like this cake decorator seems a bit too taken in with all this Christmas commercialism these days.

18. This turkey seems to be incredibly stuff.

This is why you should always chew with your mouth closed. Also, a lesson that you shouldn’t confuse your TP with your TNT.

19. Now this turkey seems to have a very huge ass crack.

Is it just me or does anyone else think this turkey is mooning us? Seriously, I think this bird should be arrested for indecent exposure.

20. May we wish you a “Happy Gooble Gooble Day.”

Seriously, how can one person managed to mispell “gobble” for God’s sake? It’s not a hard word to spell. Even a kid could manage it.

21. Before The Nightmare Before Christmas there was The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving.

Of course, The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving didn’t do too well at the box office got terrible reviews. Besides, it managed to anger many in the Native American community that it was pulled from release.

22. Happy Thanksgiving from a black Ken doll in a speedo on a bear rug?

I’m sure this turkey day Burt Reynolds’ centerfold imitation is sure going to go real well with the parents of small children. Not.

23. Happy Thanksgiving, from the Naughty Gingerbread Man.

Seems like Gingy got arrested of indecent exposure. Still, perhaps the baker seems to have gotten too caught up with Christmas.

24. Now you leave the turkey in the oven until it turns golden brown,

Jesus Christ, turkey is people! This is one of the most disturbing turkeys I’ve ever seen. Still, why does cake even exist?

25. So this is Foghorn Leghorn’s brother from Colorado.

Sure while Foghorn Leghorn is a southern gentlemen, Highorn Leghorn relocated to the Haight Ashbury of San Francisco and got a little too into the drug scene and Rastafarianism.

26. This turkey is literally on fire.

Then again, its drumsticks seem to have an appearance of a couple of burning cigarettes. And what’s with the smiley face?

28. Nothing like a turkey than one as a black and white cartoon character.

Now that’s just so utterly terrifying. Also, I wonder if that turkey is about to do something terrible. I’d keep my eye on him, if I were you.

29. Eat this turkey, I dare you.

I’m sure that they cut off the turkey’s head before they put it in the oven. Actually decapitation is the first thing they do with a turkey.

30. Now this is one bright and colorful turkey.

Seems more like a cross between one of those fold up party decorations and a turd to me. Also, seems to be made from a wedding cake sideways.

31. I wouldn’t worry since this turkey is just about half as good as it looks.

Then again, if it’s half as good as it looks, then it must really taste like shit. Also, it kind of seems real dry and can use some gravy.

32. Now this is a nice turkey cake for the kids.

Wait a minute, that turkey's head looks like a sex toy for some reason? That or some abnormally shaped phallus.

Wait a minute, does that turkey’s head looks like a sex toy for some reason? That or some abnormally shaped phallus.

33. I’ll take a-drumstick?

Wait a minute, are those drumsticks or spray painted poo made to look like drumsticks? Seriously, why?

34. Finally, a decent looking Thanksgiving turkey cake.

Hey, what’s with the Frosty the Snowman hat and scarf? Don’t tell me they’re trying to sneak Christmas upon us!

35. Now that is one huge turkey in this one.

Seems like this turkey doesn’t seem too happy here, to be dessert. Still, a bit too realistic if you know what I mean.

36. How about the cake that combines Thanksgiving and football?

Wait, is that a turkey or a football with drumsticks? Seriously, this might not have been a good idea.

37. Things seem to be getting wacky at NBC and not in a good way.

Seems like NBC wants to get in the Thanksgiving spirit by replacing their peacock with a turkey. Doesn’t seem to take since the turkey might be tripping on something.

38. Now here’s a great Thanksgiving cake straight from Jurassic Park.

This is not a turkey. It may be a velociraptor, Sesame Street puppet, or some kind of cartoon exotic bird. But it is not a turkey.

39. Now this turkey can’t seem to get enough of the fireworks.

Because he seems to be bombarded by them all the time. Also, I didn’t know turkeys can fly. Wait a minute, domestic ones can’t while wild ones, not too well.

40. I’ll some turkey breast meat, thank you very much.

Actually, that’s not what I had in mind. Besides, what farmers putting into their turkeys these days which causes them to grow mammaries? It’s unnatural!

Gobble Up These Thanksgiving Treats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 12, 2014

I have to admit, while Halloween and Christmas posts for my blog are relatively easy to come up with, good Thanksgiving posts are rather hard to come up with. For one, it’s not a very fun holiday. Halloween pertains to costumes, scary stuff, parties, trick or treating, and what not. Christmas revolves around parties, presents, shopping, Santa, trees, wreaths, lights, pastries, nativity scenes and so many other fun stuff. Thanksgiving on the other hand, just focuses on a turkey dinner with one’s family as well as Pilgrims and Indians. Second, well, despite the first Thanksgiving being a celebration of thanks and friendship between pilgrims and Indians, we know how that turned out in the end (not good). Third, while Halloween and Christmas have great outlandish decorations and treats I could make fun of, I couldn’t say the same about Thanksgiving. And finally, let’s just say I usually get most of my ideas for Christmas posts during this time and can’t really apply them on my blog until Black Friday. Thus, I have to go with certain ideas as they come by. Considering that I did a post on Halloween treats back in October which met with great success, I decided to do a similar one on Thanksgiving treats in a similar fashion. However, while Halloween treats pertained to food directed to almost anybody, many of the following for Thanksgiving tended to be treat ideas catered for parents and teachers. In other words, these are treats people mostly make for kids. Since I’m the oldest of 24 grandchildren on my mother’s side, this wouldn’t be a problem in my family. Yet, it doesn’t meet the kind of amusement the Halloween ones do. Then again, they’re not as gross. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of Thanksgiving treats for your viewing pleasure.

1. As a breakfast, you can’t go wrong with a healthy fruit cornucopia.

Basically this consists of green grapes, strawberries, candy corn, and a waffle to wrap it all in.

2. As a dessert, why not make it just like your dinner with this Thanksgiving dinner cake?

I don’t know about you but I can barely tell the difference between this and the real thing.

3. Nothing says Thanksgiving than a cornucopia from the cones.

I’m sure that’s all lined with chocolate and filled with popcorn, pretzels, and jelly beans. More of a classroom treat than anything.

4. Happy Thanksgiving from the graham cracker table.

Man, it’s amazing what you can do with toppings. Almost looks like a Thanksgiving dinner for a dollhouse or something. Yet, you have almond turkey, icing mashed potatoes, and sprinkle green beans.

5. And to go with your graham cracker table, here’s a chocolate waffle cookie pumpkin wagon with candy wheels.

Of course, you can only get waffle cookies from a store and they taste rather disgustingly sweet. Still, I’m sure kids would love this.

6. If you want to save space, here’s a nice little Thanksgiving cupcake dinner.

Now here we have three drumsticks, some peas and carrots, as well as mashed potatoes and gravy. Yet, with a side of a traditional chocolate cupcake with sprinkles.

7. Why don’t you try some of these bite sized turkeys out for size?

These turkeys must be cupcakes. Yet, they seem so convincing that you’d think scientists used genetic engineering to create a flock of very tiny turkeys running around.

8. Chow down to some cupcake corn on the cob.

Of course, real corn on the cob is out of season being November and all. Still, those corn kernels are jelly beans.

9. For those wishing you had brains, here’s are some scarecrow cupcakes.

I actually did a post on scarecrows in September. Yet, these look way too friendly to be Halloween treats if you know what I mean. Yet, I’m not sure they’re scarecrows, kid show characters, or aliens.

10. For those wanting to use that leftover Halloween candy corn, perhaps you can make Oreo and Rice Crispy turkeys.

Of course, as it goes with real turkeys, there’s a chance your kids might not find the feathers or head edible. If so, then perhaps tasty.

11. For vegetarians, here’s a nice veggie turkey platter without the tofu.

Now this is one colorful veggie bird as I’ve ever saw one. Wait a minute, is that lettuce any good? Also, isn’t asparagus supposed to be out of season by now?

12. For those who don’t want to do the oreo turkeys I’m sure the cupcake ones will do much nicely.

Now I’m sure the kids might want to pluck off the feathers before eating these. As with the head, I’m not so sure.

13. For a more healthy snack, here’s some pretzel pear drumsticks.

Of course, the turkey part is pear and the bone part is pretzel. Still, you might need a knife to shove the pretzel in.

14. For pilgrim hats, you might want to go with chocolate striped cookies, marshmallows, and chocolate.

Of course, these hats are what you’d see on Pilgrim men. Let’s just say the women’s pilgrim hat treats would be too complicated to make.

15. For more edible turkeys, here are cupcakes with M&M feathers.

Now these sugary turkeys are cute enough to eat. Still, by how they’re photographed, they sure don’t seem friendly to me.

16. To cover your pumpkin pie, why don’t you just put a turkey on it?

Of course, this person made a turkey by just tracing his or her hand and adding legs. Just like kids do with Thanksgiving craft projects in elementary school.

17. Now this turkey is getting quite fruity.

Of course this turkey is made from cheese, pear, strawberries, bananas, and grapes. And it’s walking on waffle pretzels.

18. Nothing can certainly go wrong with making pretzel turkeys.

Man, there are sure a lot of things you can do after dipping stick pretzels in chocolate is there? Also remove feathers before eating.

19. If you don’t like marshmallows, here are some Pilgrim hats from Reese’s cups.

Of course, you’ll use the same kind of cookies as the Pilgrim hats with the marshmallows though.

20. If you like wooden ships, you might want to use paper and toothpicks for blood orange slices.

For some reason, I feel that this treat might be more appropriate for Columbus Day than Thanksgiving. I mean the Pilgrims only traveled on the Mayflower while Columbus sailed on the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.

21. Say hello to Larry the turkey.

Of course, being made from two cupcakes means you’ll have to take him apart before you eat him. I mean you can’t eat cupcakes with the wrapper still on them.

22. If you’re charged with the pumpkin pie but can’t afford the oven space, you might want to go with the bite size version.

Then again, these little pie crusts are made from mini waffles. So this might be a treat to make for those who can’t be trusted with a knife.

23. If you don’t like Rice Krispies, perhaps using chocolate would be fine for your Oreo turkeys.

Of course, you’d still have to use candy corn. Yet, at least it’ll have a great chocolate taste.

24. Oh, look, a Rice Crispy treat pumpkin patch.

Of course, it would’ve been better if we could make them into Jack o’ Lanterns but it’s too late for that.

25. If you like Indians, perhaps you might want to make teepees from waffle cones.

Then again, this treat might be more suited for a Wild West occasion or some event in the Midwest because the first Thanksgiving took place in Massachusetts. Plains Indians lived in teepees and Eastern Woodland Indians don’t. But of course, it would’ve been more difficult to make treats of wigwams and longhouses.

26. This fruit turkey is sure putting on a colorful display.

Almost reminds me of the NBC peacock and one of those edible arrangement displays. Still, I’m sure turkeys aren’t that elaborate.

27. Now how would you like to gobble up this cake topper?

Of course, I know the cake is edible though I almost thought this was a craft project at first. Then again, maybe the turkey isn’t edible anyway.

28. Of course, it might be nice to have cookies resembling Thanksgiving dinner.

Still, I’m not sure if the veggie portion seems big enough. Not to mention, even at Thanksgiving dinner, it’s very unlikely that two plates will contain a drumstick. This is especially true if a family’s eating off of one turkey.

29. If you like cinnamon, you might want to put cinnamon sticks in a turkey cupcake.

Then again, I’m not quite sure if those are cinnamon sticks. Yet, I do like the peanut butter cup head though.

30. May I present to you, turkey cookie on a stick.

Of course, this is made from white Oreos and peanut butter cookies. Still, I’m sure kids will love it.

31. Didn’t realize that turkey feathers were made from almonds.

This turkey is probably made from bread and cheese as far as I know. Still, he’s sure strutting isn’t he?

32. Get in the fall spirit with these chocolate acorns.

With peanut butter cookies, Hershey’s Kisses, and chocolate chips, I’m sure kids will go nuts over these bite size acorns.

33. Get in the Thanksgiving spirit with an ear of Indian cupcake corn.

Of course, it’s like making the cupcake corn on the cob, but at least you can use more colored jelly beans as kernels.

34. Now here’s a nice fresh corn on the cob.

Man, who knew that green fruit roll up, baked goods, icing, and Reese’s Pieces could achieve this?

35. I now give you a pepper turkey.

Of course, since peppers are known to be spicy, you might not want to gobble this bird too fast.

36. Have kids learn about the Pilgrims with these Mayflower donuts.

Once again, I don’t think wooden ship treats are as appropriate for Thanksgiving as they are for Columbus Day. Still, at least the masts are made from pretzels.

37. If you don’t like Oreos, you might like Reese’s cups and Rice Krispy treat turkeys on a stick.

Of course, I’m sure that the feathers are made from fruit roll up. Still, pretty cute if you know what I mean.

38. For the colorful turkey muffin try one with apple slices.

Then again, muffins are technically cakes you eat for breakfast. Also, there’s something unsettling about its grape head.

39. May I present to you a scrumptious turkey dinner on a cupcake.

Now that turkey cupcake is almost too real to be believed. Still, I wonder how people achieve that.

40. Of course, this turkey is just a bag filled with corn you put in a microwave.

Now I’m sure that’s a very appropriate thing to eat from during a Thanksgiving football game and other festivities.

41. Nothing says Thanksgiving like a turkey cake begging for mercy.

Sorry, Gobblekins, but Americans need to eat and turkey is the Thanksgiving entree. So no mercy for you, but please we’re willing to hear last requests.

42. Wow your guests this Thanksgiving with this turkey appetizer platter.

Now this sure guaranteed to cause heart disease if eaten in excess. Still, love to see a cheesy turkey.

43. To make your food more appealing, how about a cornucopia bread.

Talk about edible decoration. Still, this is genius if you really think about it.

44. Nothing makes better Thanksgiving treats than chocolate covered pumpkin pretzels.

Now these are adorable pumpkins. Can also be used for Halloween or fall in general.

45. Gobble till you wobble this Thanksgiving with these chocolate turkey pretzel sticks.

Now these have pretzel sticks attached to cookies and candy corn. Still, pretty clever if I say so myself.

46. For your appetizers this Thanksgiving dinner, you can’t go wrong with this turkey cracker platter.

Yeah, there are a lot of turkey platters here in this post. Still, each offer a different assortment of food just the same.

47. Make your Thanksgiving festive with this turkey veggie dish.

Yes, this is another turkey veggie platter. But I think this one is a little more subdued than the last one I’ve shown.

48. For your Thanksgiving lunch this turkey day, how about some turkey pizza?

Now this uses pepperoni instead of actual turkey meat. Still, looks like a turkey to me.

49. If your dessert platter includes pumpkin pie, may I suggest some cookie pumpkin pie slices?

Yes, these are pumpkin pie slice cookies. Don’t ask me how someone came up with this idea. Hope they don’t taste like pumpkin spice lattes.

50. Make your Thanksgiving great wit these turkey cupcakes.

Just a bunch of cupcakes decorated with red, orange, and yellow icing. Still, quite cute.

51. Nothing makes Thanksgiving better than Nutter Butter corn cookies.

Now this is called “Harvest Corn Nutter Butter.” But I love how the corn kernels are Reese’s Pieces.

52. Get in the autumn spirit with bread this Thanksgiving with these acorn and leaf buns.

Now it’s said these were made with frozen bread dough. Of course, you can never have such bread things in my family.

53. For the kiddie appetizers, why not go with some mini turkey cheese balls?

Now these have almonds, cheese, carrots, and Ritz crackers. Still, they’re quite adorable but in an ugly way.

54. Pumpkin pie cookies not enough for your Thanksgiving? Then try this cookie assortment.

Now these include a pumpkin pie slice, turkeys, and a male Pilgrim hat. Also, see some candy corn which is strange.

55. For your Thanksgiving how about some apples dipped in a caramel turkey?

Now this sure looks like a turkey here. Not sure about the candy corn nose though.

56. Nothing says Thanksgiving like a turkey cake pop.

Now this is adorable with the Pilgrim hat. Wonder what happened to the rest of him.

57. Celebrate this Thanksgiving with these Pilgrim and Indian smores.

They might be friendly now. But wait until the white man gets land hungry after a few years.

58. Nothing makes a Thanksgiving dessert platter like a chocolate cornucopia.

If you’re having a Hunger Games party, perhaps you can stash it with some food and chocolate weapons. then again, doesn’t really give the Thanksgiving spirit does it?

59. Nothing shows the joy of Thanksgiving like these Pilgrim cookies.

Seriously, why do these people have to make these puritanical colonialists so adorable? Makes you almost forget the colonial genocide on Native Americans does it?

60. Say happy Thanksgiving this year with these turkey cookie cupcakes.

Now these have cookies for heads and wings as well as candy corn feathers. Still, such an adorable combination.

Vintage Thanksgiving Advertising in the Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 9, 2014

Now in case you don’t remember, Thanksgiving is a holiday that falls on the last Thursday of November between Halloween and Christmas. It’s the one in which was based off the large 1621 feast in present day Plymouth, Massachusetts between a group of English religious nuts in funny hats and buckled shoes and generous indigenous people who would later become victims of genocide. Still, you would know these groups as “Pilgrims” and “Indians” but if you want to know some of the details from the first Thanksgiving story, you might as well go to my movie history post on Colonial America (it’s the one with Daniel Day Lewis from Arthur Miller’s The Crucible). Anyway, kids make paper costumes and dress like them when they aren’t doing tracing their hands to make turkeys. Of course, it’s been a national holiday since the 1860s though, which might’ve been promoted by an editor of a ladies’ magazine. Anyway, this a time when American families all over the country gather together to give thanks and enjoy a meal consisting of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and perhaps a lot of things that aren’t really good for you. On the TV lineup, you have the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade special in the morning followed by The Purina National Dog Show hosted by John O’Hurley. Both programs are on NBC and in my house. The afternoon is mostly followed with football and an evening with either Thanksgiving programming or Christmas specials. As for me, my nuclear family just invites my grandparents and possibly out of state relatives for steak and shrimp since my mom’s one of eight kids who are mostly seeing their in-laws. Then we have Thanksgiving dinner on the day after, though I’m not sure if I’m going to make it this year since it would Black Friday and I accepted a retail job for the holiday season.

Now when we think of vintage ads pertaining to Thanksgiving, we tend to imagine the Norman Rockwell image of a family gathered at a large table featuring a succulent turkey. Of course, with the Christmas ad cavalcade, that we have any Thanksgiving advertising at all. However, many of these ads I feature in this post don’t really conform to that wholesome family image and may feature dishes that may be as bad on the eyes as they are in your arteries. So without further adieu, here some old timey Thanksgiving ads that you make you glad you didn’t live at that time.

1. Nothing goes better with Thanksgiving dinner than Rhinegold Beer.

Because after this woman is done killing, skinning, gutting, basting, and cooking the turkey, she’s sure as hell going to need a drink.

2. On this Thanksgiving, may Buster Brown help positively channel your children’s budding homicidal tendencies.

After a decade, and you might see that little boy with the axe in a newspaper listed as a prolific serial killer. I mean he obviously enjoys killing animals which means he’s probably a raging psychopath in the making. And does that girl have blood spilling from her hand?

3. Drink Budweiser for the first Thanksgiving was for corn.

For one, beer’s made from hops, barely, and wheat, not corn. Second, what in the hell do Southwest Pueblo Indians have to do with Thanksgiving? The Indians at the first Thanksgiving were Algonquin for God’s sake. And it took place in New England, not Arizona!

4. Like the Pilgrims, enjoy your Thanksgiving with Heinz’s Boston Baked Beans.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston didn't even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston, Massachusetts didn’t even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false. Yet, there is a Boston in England though.

5. Nothing says Thanksgiving like super skinny model and four turkey dinners in the background.

Of course, the model here is encouraging women to buy knits that would help them cover the extra pounds they’d gain after eating a Thanksgiving dinner or two (if you count the in-laws). The model kind of reminds me as the bitchy ex-wife from My Name Is Earl if she wore attire from the 1960s.

6. Beer: The Thanksgiving beverage for the grownup table.

Guess you must be 21 years old to sit at the adult table in this family. Still, I guess the kiddies shouldn’t disturb the adult family members while they’re hammered on the Turkey Day booze. And even Grandma gets a beer.

7. Try our new Campbell’s Turkey Noodle Soup.

Now turkey noodle soup is a dish people make with the leftover turkey bits after Thanksgiving. And it’s much more healthy and hardy than whatever Campbell’s shows here. Still, a great taste of salty flavor. Mmmm…salt.

8. Butter always makes everything taste better even turkey in Canada, eh?

Now this is an ad for Thanksgiving Turkey from a Canadian company. Now Canada celebrates their Thanksgiving earlier. However, either way, a buttered turkey is bound not to be good for your cholesterol.

9. Whether it’s for chocolate cake, stuffed apples, and yams, marshmallows go well with everything.

Now I’m all right with having marshmallows in apples and cake. Yet, in a dish for sweet potatoes for dinner, well, that makes the Thanksgiving dinner on the Charlie Brown special seem fairly healthy by comparison.

10. For a finishing touch on your Thanksgiving dinner, here’s Maxwell Coffee.

Now I guess that none of the men at Thanksgiving won’t be having any coffee, unless they’re the designated driver. Most likely the coffee would be drank up by those who prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

11. Nothing makes a better Thanksgiving decoration than a cranberry scented candle.

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Helman's and the

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Hellman’s and the “candles” are supposed to be salads you have to eat? And there’s even a recipe for it listed. Now this is just fucked up. There’s really no way I’m going to eat food that’s being burned as a candle.

12. For a vegetable, go with Del Monte canned sweet corn because it’s soft on your grandpa’s dentures.

Now my family doesn’t serve canned corn on Thanksgiving because it’s out of season. However, the only reason why anyone in my house would buy canned corn is to donate to the food bank or to store in case of an apocalypse. Besides, canned veggies aren’t really good for you anyway.

13. Try to make him taste the best with Campbell’s soup.

Of course, Campbell’s soup is great for flavoring the turkey, if you crave for that great salty taste of its chicken broth. As they sat at Campbell’s, “Mmmm…Salt.” Oh, I’m sure the pilgrim will strangle the turkey to death all the way home. Also, why does the soup have to be tomato for God’s sake?

14. For the black woman, use Du Pont cellophane to seal the freshness of the Thanksgiving food that you’re never going to eat.

You can figure the woman in this ad isn’t going to eat the food she’s wrapping up because her wardrobe screams, “maid.” Let’s just say the black maid is a rather demeaning black stereotype, if you know what I mean.

15. Get that down home feel, with a pack of Winston’s cigarettes.

Of course, they’ll be giving the kiddies exposure to second hand smoke. Also, I’m sure that down home taste isn’t worth the possibility of spending your last years with no hair and a respirator.

16. Have your cranberry surprise on a platter as a salad or an appetizer.

Now using cranberry sauce and fruit salad as a salad is one thing. But using it as a dip on an appetizer platter, now that’s just disgusting.

17. Buy your Big Ben Westclock to make sure the turkey is baked just right, for death.

I’m sure the little girl and her grandma are so excited with the turkey coming out of the oven. Probably because they could lace it with arsenic laced gravy. Yeah, this is the Thanksgiving that will kill practically everyone.

18. Try McCormick for your pumpkin spice pie or pumpkin spice latte.

I hope those black splotches on the pumpkin pie are either spice or burn marks. Let’s hope it’s not mildew shall we? Because that would be gross.

19. Don’t have time to cook on Thanksgiving? Well, why don’t you buy a TV dinner?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think someone who buys a frozen TV dinner for Thanksgiving has anyone to celebrate the holiday with. Either that or can’t cook. Also, TV dinners aren’t very good for you either.

20. For actual Thanksgiving dishes, why don’t you go with borderline tupperware Pyrex?

Of course, I wonder how could this woman slave over cooking Thanksgiving dinner while still keeping herself so glamorous and her kitchen so tidy. I’m sure that women must envy her for those tasks seem impossible.

21. Now join the veggie bandwagon with Lucky Strike cigarettes. It will give you a very good time.

If I were the turkey, I’d be as scared as hell of her running over me. Actually she kind of scares the hell out of me, too. Still, let’s just say Lucky Strike was one of the more famous cigarettes that might lead you to an early death. Mostly because it had no filter.

22. Make Schlitz your Thanksgiving beer as you pull the wishbone.

Let's hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and put go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

Let’s hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

23. Sorry, it’s dinner time, so just let us finish our beer.

While seeing guys drinking beer is something to be expected on Thanksgiving, I don’t understand why they all have to be in suits. Seriously, on my family, a collared shirt and khakis are as formal as it goes.

24. After Thanksgiving dinner, enjoy a smoke with Turkish tobacco.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the young guy's a soldier in WWI so that might the last time he takes a nice quiet smoke in any circumstance. Yet, there must be kids running around for sure.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the family who smokes together all dies of lung cancer.

25. Nothing says Thanksgiving greetings than a Western Union telegram.

Of course, while the creepy younger boy can’t wait to eat, the girl doesn’t seem too keen of eating a piece of steaming nightmare loaf. Oh, and Grandma forgives Dad for sending her to that rest home.

26. Start your Thanksgiving with Cream of Wheat cereal.

Have to hand it to the offensive black stereotype Rastus to solve the world’s hunger problems by carrying a turkey that could feed a small village and cereal.

27. Drink some hot Dr. Pepper with lime for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now I don’t know about you, but I think hot pop is not just disgusting but bound to rot your teeth. Oh, wait a minute, they’re cocktails.

28. Now this woman doesn’t need a man to kill her turkey, all thanks to Chesterfield cigarettes.

Still, I don’t think cigarettes have ever been tools for female empowerment. In fact, quite the opposite. Seriously, those smokers who can bag their own turkeys today, certainly won’t tomorrow.

29. How about taking your Thanksgiving turkey leftovers and putting them in a jello bowl to serve as a casserole?

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the stoner food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner.

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the college kid food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner. Just why do they seem to put jello in everything?

30. So what if you overate that Thanksgiving dinner? Why don’t you have a bottle of Coke and double decker sandwich?

Then again, since Thanksgiving weekend pertains to rampant Christmas shopping with Black Friday and the first day of buck season, this meal might not be a bad idea. After all, some people will need the calories.

31. Butter your Thanksgiving bird with Keyko.

I don’t know about you but somehow this ad makes a scene of a mother basting a turkey in front of her kids unintentionally terrifying. Still, buttered turkey is bound to clog your arteries.

32. Feast on Ocean Spray cranberries and enjoy them as the Pilgrims did.

Then again, even if the Pilgrims didn’t eat cranberries on the first Thanksgiving, we can be sure that the Native Americans ate them. So this ad isn’t completely wrong. However, I’m sure they didn’t consume them with gelatin though. Nor did they make sundaes from them.

33. For Thanksgiving dinner, why not make orange marshmallow yam-yums?

Seriously, this is disgusting and definitely not good for you. I mean marshmallows are basically candy for God’s sake. Seriously, how the hell did people come up with such recipes?

34. Smoking, like Thanksgiving is an American tradition.

Now this seems like a rather decent Thanksgiving ad. However, just because Americans have been smoking for centuries doesn’t mean it’s a tradition that should be encouraged.

35. Seagram’s Crown Whiskey, a great beverage for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now drinking beer on Thanksgiving is one thing. However, I’m sure whiskey is perhaps the kind of alcoholic drink you don’t want at a family event. Still, this guy seems either hammered or can’t resist the turkey smell.

36. For Thanksgiving in 1942, top off your turkey dinner with some Schenley Whiskey.

Good God! I know that’s not Jimmy Stewart because he’s in his thirties at the time and is on his WWII hiatus (which means he has yet to make It’s a Wonderful Life and a three Hitchcock flicks). Yet, when I saw this it just as if Jimmy Stewart arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving 1942 from 20 or 30 years to the future in a time machine.

37. Behold, a turkey endorsing Schenley Whiskey as the Mayflower beckons in the distance.

Now I’ve seen turkeys before in cartoons and in real life. Now I can say that you may call wild turkey whiskey but that bird in the Pilgrim outfit depicted in the ad just looks like a rooster to me. More like a Rhode Island Red than Wild Turkey.

38. For you digestion, smoke Camels cigarettes with everything so have a pack on the table to keep you company at all times.

On second thought, you might want to go with antacid, Tums, or Pepto. Let’s just say smoking tobacco can result in cardiovascular disease, cancer, emphysema, COPD, asthma, skin yellowing, and early death.

39. For those who can’t get a turkey for this Thanksgiving, why don’t you go with Spam Birds?

Actually spam has an even poorer nutritional quality than turkey or any meat in that matter. Then again, being WWII, I suppose people had to make do. Still, it’s about as good a substitute for turkey as tofu and I’ll leave it at that.

40. Buy some Dromedary Dates for your Thanksgiving fruitcake.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake. That is, unless it's covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake (or at least admits it). That is, unless it’s covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

41. Even though Mom had to slave all day in the kitchen cooking Thanksgiving dinner, she still had to be well made up with perfect hair.

Talk about setting impossible standards for women back in the day. Also, Dad seems to be wearing his suit and tie for some reason. Not to mention, the kitchen seems way too immaculate for any cooking to take place.

42. For your mounds of cranberries in lettuce, use Hellman’s mayonnaise.

These are disgusting beyond all repute an hardly qualify for a salad. Also, the gelatine content must be insane.

43. Celebrate Thanksgiving with a vegetable loaf containing apple rings, mashed potatoes, and “cranberry turkey.”

Now I suppose this was the vegetarian option back in the day. Still, whatever a “cranberry turkey” is, I don’t want to know.

44. Happy Thanksgiving, now bring on the beer.

Yeah, everything Thanksgiving seems to be here. I mean they got turkey, china, candles, and booze. Still, the adults are going to be buzzed when dinner’s over.

45. It’s always great for Dad to don his chef’s hat and help out baking the turkey.

Still, it doesn’t hurt Mom that he has a nice tight ass she could stare at while she’s tossing her salad. Guess this is an ideal 1950s marriage at its finest.

46. For comfort on your Thanksgiving, there’s Carter’s Trigs.

Most awkward father and son camping trip ever. Also, a blunderbuss, really? You know you have to load them every single time you fire it.

47. Shop at Gray’s Market for Thanksgiving with native turkeys.

“Wonder when he finds out it’s poison. Now he’s sure to croak any time now. Can’t wait until the life insurance pays out.”

48. Budweiser – the official beer for Thanksgiving.

Guess after Thanksgiving every adult will be afflicted with tryptophan and a hangover. Real American tradition.

49. Happy Thanksgiving by the General Telephone System and Paul Bunyan.

Hey, I didn’t know Paul Bunyan was present during the first Thanksgiving. And why is he wearing denim jeans and a workingman’s collar shirt form the 20th century?

50. Look your best for Thanksgiving with these Arrow shirts.

And I’m not sure whether these guys are looking at the turkey or the old lady’s ass. Dr. Freud might want to look into this.

Halloween Party Tricks or Treats (But Mostly Treats, Sort of)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 18, 2014

Halloween is one of those time of the year that we have parties. After all, it’s one of those fun holidays in which you can dress in a costume as well as attend events that may feature games and food or perhaps drinking and dancing for the adults. And while you may seem obligated to spend Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving with your family, this isn’t so much the case on Halloween. Still, Halloween parties also provide a wide array of party treats that range from the creatively adorable to those that make you gag. And since it’s a scary holiday, creepiness and grossness are mostly encouraged. So in this post, I’ll show all the diverse dishes you’d find at Halloween parties that you’d probably not see in a Martha Stewart magazine or any cookbook as far as I know. Some of these may be for kids while others are certainly more adult oriented. So for your viewing pleasure and dismay, here are some Halloween party treats.

1. For those who got a cut, here are some band-aids and Q-tips.

As disgusting as they may appear, a cuisine meant to resemble a Civil War surgeon’s kit would be more vomit inducing.

2. For your veggie platter, here is a skeleton.

You’ll see a few of these. Yet, help yourself to the pepper ribs, the mushroom pelvis, the cucumber spine, and the celery and carrot limbs and shoulders.

3. Now take a bite out of cupcakes like Mrs. Lovett would make.

Don’t worry, these are just cupcakes, not bits of human flesh. If so, that would be cannibalism. Still, enough to make you puke, eh?

4. Now feast your eyes on these peepers.

These are probably kind of the cupcakes I’d expect Count Olaf to make. Of course, I’m not sure how many of you have read A Series of Unfortunate Events to get this. Nevertheless, they seem to be terrifyingly watching you.

5. Now you might want to feast your guts on this, literally.

Of course, this intestinal delectable may cause you to puke your guts out instead. I’m sure this sends a lot of Instagram foodie viewers to the toilet during this time of year.

6. Now you might want to have some fingers for dessert.

Now these are most likely breaded fingers with nut nails on them. Still, it’s a great way to trick vegetarians into thinking they’ve committed cannibalism.

7. Behold, spinach and artichoke dip straight from the mummy’s tomb.

Now this isn’t really scary but there’s a curse for those who partake of this creamy spinach and artichoke dip from Pharaoh Askenaten’s tomb.

8. Now for an appetizer, here’s some brain on a platter.

Let’s hope this brain isn’t from somebody named Abby Normal. Now that would be very, very bad. Of course, it’s probably just watermelon.

9. Oh, no, why did you have to serve Lego Frankenstein heads on sticks?

Actually they’re just marshmallows covered in chocolate. Still, they do tend to resemble disembodied Lego Frankenstein heads though.

10. Put a little “axe” on that cupcake, please.

Now that’s what I call a bloody cupcake. Very gory to say the least. Still, were those blood spattering axes homemade or bought from some party store?

11. Now for our party veggie platter, a cat skeleton.

Now I didn’t know that cats had skeletons made fro veggies and crackers. This is a very interesting specimen indeed.

12. Behold, the cheese dip mummy.

Now I could see the next Wallace and Gromit feature a cheese dip mummy. Would be very terrified if it’s made out of Wensleydale or cheddar.

13. Be fruity with these strawberry white chocolate covered ghosts.

Now if you put them in the fondue, they will haunt your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.

14. For those who want to eat healthy, here are some carrot fingers.

What? You didn’t know that carrots had fingers? Well, neither did I. But apparently Google Images says so.

15. For those who want their mummy, here are some mummy cookies.

Now these are just cute, but very creepy as well. Still, I don’t want to know what’s in them if they’re wrapped like that.

16. Since there may not be many pumpkins in Italy, it’s fair to say that they make a jack-o-pizza for Halloween.

Actually, I might only be joking here. Yet, still, Italians in Italy really do make pizza without the cheese and tomato sauce. Whether they make jack-o-pizzas, I may never know.

17. For an appetizer, here’s a bowl of deviled eyeballs.

Actually, they’re deviled eggs made to resemble eyeballs. Still, they’re enough to make you gag or lose your appetite.

18. Blood soup with eyeballs and bugs, anyone?

Okay, it’s not really as sick as it’s made out to be. I mean it’s only tomato soup with eyeball crackers and the bug is a prop. Still, I just love to say that.

19. Now for the kids, candy corn on the cob.

Very clever, but I wonder if the disgusting part is that those kernels are made out of wax and sugar. Also, there are kids who don’t want them.

20. Now here’s a couple hotdogs under some crispy mummy wraps.

Of course, what’s scarier than having hot dog mummies, is having to use them as subjects in a college lab experiment at Saint Vincent.

21. Now let me introduce you to the “Pilsbury Dead Boys.”

Nice that this person used gummy worms, oreo, and a gingerbread cookie cutter for these. Still, I’m not sure kids would take the reference of dead cookie bodies rising out from the dirt. Disgusting.

22. Thanks a lot, waiter, the pepperoni I ordered is infested with spiders and ghosts.

Waiter: “Well, that’s our ghost spider pizza deluxe, ordered straight from the haunted house.”
Me: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t think the spiders were part of the entree.”

23. And for dessert, here’s some kitty litter cake.

Ugh, no thanks, please. The sight of that just made me lose my appetite.

24. For all you meat lovers out there, how about some barbecue ribs?

Of course, this delectable is said to be based on an old family recipe. Well, an old family recipe for those who have ancestors in the Donner Party.

25. Now for the piece de resistance, brains.

Please don't tell me you got this from a dead body somewhere, or I would puke my guts out.

Please don’t tell me you got this from a dead body somewhere, or I will puke my guts out. I’m sure it’s gelatin. Oh, please be gelatin.

26. Now for the entree, a rat.

Hey, at least it’s not the one Blanche Hudson got in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Still, a rat cake, disgusting.

27. I call this dish child’s soup.

Now I guess child’s soup contains parts from a dead child. Okay, that’s just plain sick and demented. Seriously, that’s something you’d serve to Hannibal Lecter.

28. Okay, folks, now eat my shit.

Now these may just be pastries that taste like chocolate. However, it doesn’t make me more likely to eat them.

29. So how would you like your finger dog?

Now this is very disgusting if you know what I mean. Doesn’t help that it’s made from meat.

30. Now for the main course, here are some freshly dug up bones from the garden.

Of course, those bones may not be real but I’m sure Scruffy may think them tasty. Of course, make sure the dog is nowhere near these if you want to eat them.

31. Now have a piece of this bloodied up brain, will you?

Now this the goriest and most disgusting brain I’ve ever seen. Yet, if you want to trap zombies, this is perhaps the best bait you can do.

32. Just a cheese pizza with pepperoni and spiders.

Now you have admire how this person used veggies and pepperoni to create a spider infestation here.

33. Hey, who left the glass hand in the punch bowl?

Now I see that the marshmallows tend to resemble bones which is pretty sick if you know what I mean. Still, wouldn’t want to drink anything that had a bloody hand rising from it.

34. A spider just made a web in my pizza.

No, the spiderweb is actually made from cheese and the spider is made from olives. Still, very much in the Halloween spirit though.

35. For dessert, we’re having a mutilated corpse.

Makes a lot of the cakes in my baby shower cake post seem less gruesome in comparison. And if it weren’t for the cartoonish face, I would’ve thought it came from the morgue.

36. I want my mummy toast!

Of course, these are more adorable than scary if I pray tell. Then again, this is supposed to be a kiddie treat.

37. For those who don’t like mummy toast, here’s mummy pizza.

Looks very similar to mummy toast except circular. Probably is if this person made a pizza via an English muffin.

38. Ah, green fingers, excellent!

I almost thought they were asparagus shoots made to resemble green fingers. That is, until I saw the bottom pretzel ends.

39. In Candyland, you might want to stay away from the black licorice with the ground covered in candy corn.

Understanding that black licorice and candy corn aren’t high on people’s favorite Halloween candy lists, I wonder if these were just made for decoration. Then again, they’re mounted on chocolate and graham crackers.

40. Now for dessert, I bring you skull cake.

So I guess having a bloody skull cake covered in white icing would’ve made it seem too realistic and graphic for some people. Still, quite disgusting.

41. Behold, the haunted cemetery of health food.

I’m not sure if I would call pretzels or crackers health food. Still, more of a clever platter creation than scary.

42. To go with your dinner, here is some bony bread sticks.

Of course, the person who took this picture called these, “salty bones.” Still, I hope they aren’t mistaken for real bones though.

43. For Mexican flair, perhaps have a jack-o-lantern quesadilla.

The scariest part of this dish is that it’s actually better for you than anything you’d get at Taco Bell. Of course, that place doesn’t carry real Mexican food anyway.

44. For the kids we have these cute little pretzel brooms.

They may not be the kind of treats you’d serve at a Halloween party for adults, but they don’t seem too bad. Still, you have to admire using the cheese as a broom fringe.

45. Didn’t know that witches’ hats came in such varieties.

Of course, these are cookies with Hershey’s kisses on top. Still, I’d eat em. Then again, I’d eat almost any sugary treat with chocolate.

46. Aha, so I see a bunch of severed heads impaled on toothpicks. How interesting.

Now I know these aren’t real severed heads. Yet, who’s sick and twisted idea was it to make treats with impaled heads?

47. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present a heart on a platter.

Hey, it’s Halloween what do you expect a heart cake to look like this time of year! This isn’t Valentine’s Day, people!

48. For the main course, I thought we could serve some broiled hand.

Of course, if it didn’t have a vegetable stuffed in it, you probably would’ve thought it was somebody’s severed hand burned to a crisp.

49. I bring you the $5 dollar foot meatloaf.

Still, compared to Subway’s $5 foot long, this is actually a foot. Also, you can eat it with family. Sounds pretty gross does it?

50. Hope that doughnut doesn’t eat me for breakfast.

Now this is a pretty ghoulish doughnut. Yet, what’s scarier about this ferocious fritter is the damage it can do to your arteries.

51. For the appetizer we have some minidog finger wraps.

They are called finger wraps because they’re made to look like actual fingers. You know, finger food.

52. For the entree, I give you all worms.

These worms look so real that I lose my appetite just looking at them. Yet, I’m sure this is a robin’s version of Thanksgiving dinner.

53. For a nice little snack, here are some spooky candy pretzels.

May not be scary but I’ll eat them. Also, they’re pretty cute though they don’t resemble ghosts to me in any way.

54. Here’s some stuffed jack-o-peppers with spaghetti in them.

Of course, these seem pretty sick but fairly clever. Yet, I’m not sure if the pasta is supposed to represent the pumpkin contents or worms.

55. Feast your eyes on these spider web treats.

Amazing all the things you can make with chocolate and pretzels. And there’s a chocolate spider in the center.

56. Oh, look, a spider cheese ball.

Now I don’t know about you but large spiders are certainly scary. This is especially true if they’re covered in olives to look realistic.

57. For your dessert, I bring you these spider cupcakes.

These must be the scariest cupcakes I’ve ever seen. Also, these spiders look as if they’re out for blood and aren’t very happy.

58. Behold, the jack-o-lantern vegetable platter.

Not scary but mostly made out of baby carrots and olives. Will give you a rather healthy but appetizing snack.

59. Oh, shit, there’s a roach infestation in my popcorn.

Sorry, my mistake. This is a Halloween snack and the roaches are made from chocolate. Then again a chocolate roach seems pretty disgusting.

60. Of course, could you give me a hand with the dessert?

If that means cutting my hand off for that, then no way in hell. Please, this severed hand cake almost makes me puke.

61. Nothing says Halloween like a pizza pie eye.

Now this pizza pie kin of makes me sick to my stomach. Lucky it’s bigger than most eyeballs would be, save perhaps a giant squid.

62. For those on the go, here is a piece of a lung calzone.

I hope these golden brown lungs taste better than they look. I mean seriously, a lung calzone?

63. Feast your eyes on this evil clown cake.

Whoever made this cake is perhaps one of the best pastry artists who ever lived. Also, perhaps Halloween is one of the few holidays when this clown cake is appropriate.

64. For lunch munch on a snake hoagie.

One of these days, perhaps this slithering $5 foot long would be at a Subway near you, but I highly doubt it.

65. Man, these skeletons seem to have serious problems.

Now these are clever cookies with each having a different personality. Too bad you can’t do the same for Christmas.

66. For appetizers, here’s a skull on the cracker platter.

Now that skull seems out of its mind as the dip. Still, pretty creepy to say the least.

67. And now I give you some Mexican graveyard dip on a plate.

Now I guess that seems like quite the party platter there. Still, I hope the green ooze is just guacamole.

68. For appetizers, feel free to dip into the spider web.

Now I’m sure this would be a nightmare to an arachnophobic who loves guacamole. I wonder if that person would dip his or nacho in it.

68. For those who like to grill, here are some jack-o-burgers.

Of course, you have to carve jack-o-lantern faces on the cheese before you attach them to the burgers. Then again, my dad likes to toast the cheese to the bun anyway.

70. Eeek! There’s a large spider in the salsa dip.

Actually the giant spider is the salsa bowl. Still, pretty scary despite being made of delicious bread.

71. How about some eyeballs and ham head.

Now this seems like a an appetizer platter for headhunters. Almost makes me want to throw up dinner just looking at it.

72. And now for dessert, why are there giant spiders on the cakes?

Now that’s a frightening display of cakes that would make Ron Weasley shiver in fear. Still, for some it’s very unappetizing.

73. For those who like cheese and pumpkins, here’s a jack-o-cheese ball.

Now this may not be scary or gross, but it’s certainly kid friendly. Of course, this may not be the case after a bunch of crackers have been in it.

74. Now here are some witchy cupcakes for the kids.

Of course, they remind me of blue witches’ cats in cone hats and covered in blue icing. Yet, what do I know about what witches look like?

75. I’m afraid I’ll have to go on the graveyard cake shift again.

Now this is one cool cemetery cake I’d like to see at any Halloween party. I mean it’s pretty amazing.

76. I don’t think this is ants on a log or must I be mistaken?

Wait, those must be spiders on a log. As if ants on a log isn’t creepy enough. Well, at least it doesn’t have raisins.

77. For your Halloween party, have your guests dip their pretzel sticks in boogers.

Actually I think that’s dyed chocolate. But still, looks quite disgusting and unappetizing.

78. Hope the party doesn’t get too scary with these witch cone treats.

Love the green heads on these. Of course, these treats are more or less adorable than scary. Still appropriate though.

79. Of course, your kids are sure to enjoy these scary mummy Oreo pops.

Yes, these are sure to cause your children nightmares. Actually no, but still quite ingenious if you ask me.

80. Guess you have to let these brownies rest in peace.

Guess Halloween is the time of year where you can make any plot of brownie treats into a grave yard. Doesn’t scare me enough to eat them.

Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 10, 2014

Trick or treating has always been a Halloween tradition in which children would change in their costumes as well as carry their buckets to say, “Trick or Treat” to people all over the neighborhood. Of course, with me you had to get the aid of a car and/or word of some nearby town was doing it since I lived in the country. I’ve trick or treated in towns like Smithton, West Newton, and Rostraver. Yet, I also did a bit of trick or treating in college since it was the only place where I didn’t need to drive and didn’t have older people think there’s something wrong with. I mean I had to stop trick or treating after I turned 12 or 13 where I lived. Still, I enjoyed this tradition and perhaps someday I’ll take my kids trick or treating as well. Maybe I won’t dress up as a Hogwarts schoolgirl like I did in college but I definitely would take my kids out to get candy from strangers as well as make their costumes like my mom did back in the day. Of course, no matter how much I love dressing up in costumes for candy as well as candy in general (particularly chocolate), there were certain treats I didn’t really care for. Yet, I would find these every year in my bag whether I wanted to eat them or not. Nevertheless, if there’s a trick or treating event in your neighborhood this Halloween season, then perhaps I could cue you in on some of the candies the local kids won’t like. So without further adieu, here are some of the candy that will make children hate you this Halloween season. Warning: may not all necessarily be candies, just stuff people have received trick or treating.

1. Flavored Tootsie Rolls-regular Tootsie Rolls are kind of gross if you really think about it. I mean they kind of look like dog turds. Yet, to have one that’s vanilla or orange cream flavor, ugh.

2. Smarties-these are usually the last candies left in anyone’s Halloween haul. Basically all that’s in them is sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, food coloring, and possibly chalk dust. You’re better off eating a bowl full of sugar with a spoon. Basically, these are what people buy to give to kids if they don’t want to go over their minuscule candy budget. If Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by trick or treaters, he’d give them these.

3. Good & Plenty-even for those who like black licorice, these are never a welcome sign. Sure there are plenty of them in their 1960s era package design, but many say they are as bitter the pill medicine they’re shaped as.

4. Candy Corn-hey, I actually kind of like this candy and I kind of feel bad putting this imitation 1880s kernel on the list. However, many tend to say this Halloween icon tastes like the wax, corn syrup, and sugar it was made from. Isn’t called “the fruitcake of Halloween” for nothing.

5. Dots-they may look chewy but having them in your mouth will give you as much sensation as piece of sugar coated half-hardened cement.

6. Now and Later-well, I don’t really hate them but they do have a texture of stale taffy that you wonder was ever fresh to begin with. Not to mention, I’ve eaten a few and have been surprised that I didn’t break any of my teeth afterwards. Also, check if the person giving you them is a dentist because he or she may have a hidden agenda like spending Christmas vacation to the Bahamas.

7. Strawberry Hard Candy-these just look like easily rewrapped candy in strawberry styled plastic wrap. Yet, people like them though I didn’t. And according to Complex, “The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center.”

8. Bubblegum-if it’s Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, either it’s the remains of a surplus made 20 years ago or made from an instantly stale formula. May seem to have a flavor at first but after a few seconds, becomes a tasteless, rubbery, mass that may ruin your teeth.

9. Wax Bottles-if you were the kid who used to pick the wax droppings from the candles and ate them, then these candies are for you. Well, the wax bottle anyway. Still, I hear the stingingly sugary sweet processed juice in them is nasty.

10. Necco Wafers-one person from Thrillist writes, “If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.” Also, despite that they’re practically reviled as a candy for chalky texture and invariable staleness, they’re still being made and sold. It’s a great mystery to us all. And form TopTenz, “They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.”

11. Mary Janes- this may seem like a good idea for a kid’s candy since it’s a molasses and peanut butter flavored taffy. No one will ever eat them. Of course, there are the other kind of Mary Jane candies but they’re not for kids and only legal in the state of Washington and Colorado where, “sitting around the campfire, everybody’s high,” in the words of John Denver.

12. Fireballs-yes, they are a strong timeless candy yet, you have to suck on these for about 15 minutes or more. You can devour more candy in that time frame. Yet, as for me, I try to save it as long as possible.

13. Almond Joy/Mounds-if the cherry fondue is the last candy in a chocolate box to be eaten, then anything with coconut is a close second.

14. Fruit (save maybe candy apples)-basically, giving trick or treaters fruit says, “Hey, I’m a major health nut who cares more about not contributing to juvenile diabetes more than I care about Halloween tradition.” It’s even worse if they’re apples with razor blades. Hey, if you don’t want to contribute to juvenile diabetes during Halloween the least you can do is hand out pieces of paper with George Washington’s face. Even quarters are acceptable.

15. Bit-O-Honey-from Thrillist, “I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon — we’re an evolving people.” Said to always taste stale and takes very long to eat.

16. Fruit Snacks-may be appropriate for school lunches in elementary school but certainly not in candy bags during Halloween.

17. Gingerbread Cookies-now I love gingerbread cookies, but they’re Christmas so it’s too freaking early. Also, those cookies might just as well be leftovers from last Christmas or earlier. Gross.

18. Spare Change-look, I was totally cool with receiving money from adults during trick or treating and even would appreciate more so now since I’m an unemployed college graduate who lives with her parents. However, no child wants to receive chump change like nickels, dimes, and pennies. Now that’s just being cheap.

19. Dum Dums Lollipops-I hated these as a kid and still don’t care for them now. Just these small little lollipops with a cheap taste you see at a bank that aren’t worth my time.

20. Green Tea Kit Kats- now there are some who like green tea and Kit Kats, but not in the same candy. Of course, this is Japan, but even Japanese children wouldn’t stand for this shit. I mean who eats a green Kit Kat Bar is like saying who in their right mind would eat green eggs and ham? (No offense, Dr. Seuss.) Just don’t break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Sorry, Japan.

21. Runts-for me, these were better suited as fake fruit for my Barbie Dolls than anything edible. As a writer from the Houston Press said, “Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive.” At least they’re said to be disappearing, thanks to the decline of coin operated candy dispensers.

22. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups-as one writer of the Houston Press put it, “A perfect example of how the unnecessary introduction of white chocolate (which is not even chocolate, btw) ruins a perfectly respectable product.” Yeah, white chocolate and peanut butter, put it up there with the cherry fondue.

23. Hershey’s Creme Kisses-the cherry cordial is full of what is said to taste like cough syrup while the orange crème isn’t much better. It’s like the cherry fondue in a chocolate box which is extremely nasty that people usually eat it last.

24. Candy Buttons-these artificially colored sugar mounds on cheap paper are actually so tasteless one writer from the Houston Press noted but, “every time I eat them I feel like I’m overdosing on birth control pills.” The kiddies are better off with these containing LSD or some other kind of acid from Woodstock.

25. Jujubes-don’t taste like the real fruits they claim to represent. Also, tend to get stuck at your teeth and perhaps dislodge any dental work.

26. Circus Peanuts- these are said to be among the cheapest, nastiest, and old fashioned crap confections. According to someone from the Houston Press, they “taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.”

27. Candy Cigarettes-yes, we had a lot of fun with these as kids, yet they just don’t have a good taste. Probably better off using pretzels as cigarettes instead. Heard a nearby school district passed these out, which I think is hilarious. Still, the vintage ones look even more realistic with the packaging. You know those were out just to get the kiddies hooked.

28. Candy Necklaces- these taste like chalk and don’t go with anything you’d wear, especially if you’re a guy.

29. Sour Candies-I have no taste for these and I’ve heard they’re even worse for your teeth than regular candy. Also, they taste really, really bad.

30. Original Boston Baked Beans-as a writer from the Houston Press said, “Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.”

31. Butterscotch Candies-seem just the kind of hard caramel candies you’d find in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

32. Raisins-it’s basically dried fruit and what many people might give kids as a healthier substitute than candy. I always hate it when I bite in what I thought was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie only to discover it had raisins in it.

33. Toothbrushes-these should only be reserved as giveaways from dental appointments not for trick or treating.

34. Milk Duds-from E!, “’Dud’ is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.”

35. Raisinets- doesn’t matter how much chocolate it’s covered with, it’s still a raisin. Seriously, for those who give them out to kids in order to encourage good health, this is particularly cruel.

36. Black Licorice-gets a bad rap for a reason. Also, studies show that nobody under 80 likes these but that may have to do with the fact that they were children during the Great Depression who were just happy to get anything that’s candy. Heard it’s made out of the same material used to insulate electric cords.

37. Whoppers-possibly among the most divisive candies of all time. Also, that chocolate shell isn’t really chocolate. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those malted milk balls.

38. Root Beer Barrels-actually all pop flavored candy isn’t really that good, according to most people. Besides, we all know that people drink pop for the carbonation, not the fizz.

39. Peanut Chews- from Complex, “This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.”

40. Sixlets- basically these are M&Ms without the Ms or possibly a bootleg version. Will melt in your hand and packaging, not your mouth.

41. Peppermint Hard Candies-basically the kind you give to someone to let them know that they’re suffering from halitosis. Also, used in waiting rooms and hotels. On Halloween, these may have been in people’s households since Christmas.

42. Crows-basically if all the Dots gumdrops mated with the black licorice, it would result in these. Also, kind of look like small turds from a rabbit.

43. Orange Slices-sugar coated orange candies made to seem like orange slices. Most trick or treaters aren’t that desperate for candy to eat them.

44. Jawbreakers-basically take an hour to eat and may break your teeth. Also have a weak sugary flavor. Yet, kids will still eat them as Top Tenz says, “Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.” Not a good candy for Halloween.

45. Razor Blades-now these are just bad and possibly illegal to hand out to kids. What a cruel trick indeed.

46. Tootsie Rolls-according to TopTenz, “Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.” Said to taste a year old.

47. Chocolate Coins-having chocolate coin in foil may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s something about foil wrapping this delicious food that tends to turn into a major disappointment. Not only is foil wrapped chocolate disgusting but for no obvious reason why. As Top Tenz reports, “Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.”

48. Ring Pops-of course, they may belong in the category “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Yet, the second you start eating one, it turns into a sticky, disgusting mess. Anything you touch afterwards becomes gooey and gross and the cheap plastic scratches your fingers. Also, boys are mocked at school for wearing them perhaps as cross dressers, and it’s said that girls who really get into candy jewelry end up in the world’s oldest profession.

49. Aero Chocolate-high concept candy never works out for anyone, especially kids.

50. Strawberry Peanut Butter M&Ms-oh, please don’t mess with a classic, especially if it contains anything fruit flavored. Disgusting.

51. Peanut Butter Taffy-taste nothing like peanut butter and offer a terrible Halloween experience for kids. Someone at Nooga.com writes, “Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these, and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter.”

52. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms-let’s see, basically these are jammed pack with artificial ingredients and deprived of nutritious content. Also, these probably taste as bad as you would expect. Oh, why Mars Corporation? Regular M&Ms would do just fine.

53. Marshmallow Peeps-these are for Easter so either use them for your peep dioramas or don’t buy them at all for Halloween.

54. Jelly Beans-unless, they’re from Bertie Botts, these aren’t appropriate for the Halloween season. And even then, the kids may not want to eat them.

55. Horehound-basically it’s a medicinal herb disguised as candy and mostly reserved for senior citizens with diabetes. Kids are better off getting cough drops. Also, it has a name of what you’d call a female dog that was humped by all the male dogs in the neighborhood.

56. Carrots-they’re food you eat for meals like lunch and dinner as well as an occasional healthy snack or at a party. Halloween isn’t the time for healthy alternatives.

57. Diet Candy Bars-oh, please, these are for self-conscious adults who want to lose weight but not for kids who just want candy and don’t care about their weight and health, yet.

58. Religious Pamplets- look, unless it’s from the kid’s religious class (or parochial school and/or local religious establishment like a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, coven, shrine, or cult commune), their presence isn’t welcomed in any private residence and are guaranteed to offend possibly non-religious parents (or parents belonging to a different religious tradition). I hear Chick Tracts are fairly famous ones which would be seen as offensive to almost every group of people out there other than perhaps conservative Fundamentalist Christians in the American South. Seriously, Halloween isn’t the time to proselytize the good news, especially to children. Still, these are worse than toothbrushes.

59. Hershey’s Candy Corn Crème Bars- yes, they exist and they resemble a yellow and orange bar of soap. It’s pretty disgusting.

60. Candy Canes-now why give out a candy on Halloween you use to decorate your Christmas Tree? Besides, it’s too early.

61. McDonald’s/Burger King Gift Certificates-yes, we’ve all got them and most of the time our parents tried using them after they were expired. You’re better off getting gift certificates from your local pizza place.

62. Thrills Soap Gum-from iVillage.ca, “Where did this stuff go when Halloween was over? Purple and soap-flavored, it was ALWAYS the last thing in your bag. But then one day in late November, you’d rifle through your old stash with a massive sugar craving, and that’s all that would be left. And you’d think…aw, heck, might as well chew it…..”

63. Pumpkin Peeps-for those who couldn’t resist the inedible marshmallow Easter icons, here’s the perfect Halloween treat for you. These are only for the peep diorama types, not for kids.

64. Ribbon Candy-from Mommyish, “This makes my skin crawl, as it brings back memories of the sharp ends of it slicing through my tongue. This stuff is actually a weapon. Maybe you should keep some in your purse.”

65. Business Swag-using Halloween as a way to promote your business platform. Explain to me how that’s going to make a kid happy. It isn’t.

66. Loose Peanuts-well, they may seem like healthy alternative, but are more suited for football games and aren’t likely to be enjoyed when not in a can. This is especially true if these legumes are found in their shells.

67. Sweet Tarts Squeeze-what the hell is this candy? Also, really gross for a night devoted to eating tons of sugar.

68. Old and Decrepit Toys-from Babble, “There are two families in my neighborhood (who perhaps know each other and copied the other’s trick-or-treat style) that collect old and dirty toys and tell innocent children to stick a hand inside a bag and pull out a rusted car or doll with a broken head while explaining to the parents that they are good toys but since they have no room for them, they hand out for Halloween.”

69. Mystery Candy-face it, kids won’t eat any candy they can’t identify or recognize.

70. Baby Ruth Bars-just have too many peanuts and not enough chocolate.

71. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars-from Chicago Now, “Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?”

72. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses-let’s face it, while the pumpkin spice latte may be popular, this doesn’t mean you put pumpkin spice in everything. According to a writer from Chicago Now, “I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.”

73. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies- according to a writer from Chicago Now, “In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea?”

74. Political Ads-second to unwelcome stuff you can put in a kid’s trick or treat bag are these, especially if you’re a political candidate. Save the ads for Election Day if you want to give them out.

75. Anything Tampered-now receiving a treat that may have some tampering on it, well, if you give anything containing razor blades or poison, then you can expect a lawsuit from the parents or jail. You’d be surprised how often this happens and sometimes it makes the news. So don’t be that guy. Also, goes the same for candy laced with illegal drugs or any substance that’s illegal for people under 21.

76. Pop-now giving out candy is one thing, but giving out carbonated beverages, well, they’re even less healthy than the standard Halloween fare. And I have received this on Halloween.

77. Eggs-let’s see, they aren’t candy and can easily break. Best served to be thrown by teenagers.

78. Rocks-no child wants a Halloween trick or treat bag like Charlie Brown’s and even he’s miserable getting them.

79. Poop-this one speaks for itself whether it be from you or your dog. Now that’s just worse than rocks.

80. Nothing-from 2Shopper, “At least when you have bad Halloween candy, you’ve still earned some reward. When you receive nothing for painting your face and looking ridiculous out in public, you might as well join the kid who got a rock for Halloween.” Yes, giving nothing might lead to these same crying little kids throw rocks at your house later. I mean c’mon, it would be nicer if you gave out stuff like crunchy frogs, ram’s bladder cups, cockroach clusters, or spring surprise.

The Wonderful World of Halloween Pumpkin Carving

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 9, 2014

Carving pumpkins has always been a Halloween traditions since the legend of the Jack-o’-lantern. People tend to open a pumpkin, empty out all the seeds and entrails, carve a face, and put a light in it to for the outside. Of course, there are people who engage themselves in this Halloween tradition and some who don’t. Still, many people do carve some amazing pumpkins for this Halloween season. I can go on with how amazing some of these carvings are but you probably don’t want to hear that. Instead I’ll do a post on pumpkin carvings that are either not family friendly and/or doomed to offend your neighbors or drive trick or treaters away. Nevertheless, Halloween is one of those holidays where you could get away with being tacky or creepy so this was a hard post and some images may be not safe for work. Viewer discretion is advised. So without further adieu and your viewing pleasure, here’s an assortment of Halloween pumpkins you don’t want to see on your block.

1. Guess, pumpkins need a way to cope when nature calls.

I’m sure a display saying “2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup” won’t go well with guests. Also, it’s pretty disgusting on what’s implied to be in the cup. This just takes bathroom humor a little too far.

2. Now this jack-o’-lantern seems to be too jackshit crazy over burning his own kind.

Okay, that’s a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

3. Now I’m sure the kiddies will appreciate this reenactment of the Death Star blowing up Alderaan.

Now this isn’t a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn’t where kids could walk through.

4. Pumpkin in a plastic bag, what can go wrong here?

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o’-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it’s pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

5. Looks like someone is taking pleasure in his meal.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won’t go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

6. Behold, the jack-o’-centipede.

For those who’ve seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I’m sure you’d probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

7. Of course, some pumpkins still need to do the time.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can’t even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

8. I’m sure Jack must’ve done something terribly wrong to get the chair.

Seriously, the death penalty isn’t really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. Now here’s a good idea on what to do when you have an old aquarium you haven’t used since your pet turtle died.

However, just don’t create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn’t something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

10. Behold, a Halloween pumpkin tribute to the Alien movies.

Actually, I’m 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display. Guaranteed to traumatize the kiddies for sure.

11. Congratulations, it’s quintuplets. and a bunch of red pumpkins.

Let’s just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature’s bounty in a cornucopia don’t go together. Nice to make those gourds look like boobs though.

12. I didn’t say “Let’s play doctor.” I said, “Let’s play Medieval doctor.”

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters. Besides, that pumpkin with a saw needs to be put to jail.

13. Oh, no, it’s the claw.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don’t think the big pumpkin’s intentions are good.

14. Hmmm…pumpkin brain surgery, now I’ve seen everything.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

15. Use your pumpkin to store your beer for this year’s Oktoberfest by attaching a tap on it.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don’t attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

16. Oh, look a man and a oh, my God!

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won’t attract trick or treaters. WTF is right. Not cool.

17. Oh, look a princess pumpkin carving. Wait a minute, this is a reenactment of Carrie!

Now perhaps we shouldn’t carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it’s not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

18, Looks like this pumpkin seems to take advice from the Tim Taylor School of Technology.

I don’t think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick with the shark.

19. Now this pumpkin macdaddy sure is stylin’ with his foil grill and sunglasses.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

20. Now this will be a perfect pumpkin for my sex dungeon.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

21. Oh, no, the jack-o’-lantern just blew his brains out!

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all, especially suicide.

22. Looks like this pumpkin baby needs a diaper change.

I’m sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn’t be used in decoration.

23. Now here’s a flasher pumpkin with a gourd genitalia.

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

24. Okay, keep your hands off your pumpkin butt.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

25. Now there’s nothing like a hanging in a cemetery scene.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

26. Now here’s a pumpkin design taken straight from a truck’s sleazy mudflaps.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, “Hi, I’m a single man and I’m a male chauvinist pig.” I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it’s pretty much the stereotype.

27. Now here’s a pumpkin of how babies are made.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I’m sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

28. Of course, there will certainly be a full moon tonight.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, the crack-ho’-lantern.

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn’t exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped. Seriously, why?

30. Now here’s a pumpkin on how babies are made.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor’s office than anything else.

31. Nothing indicates a stoner residence like a carved pumpkin of a marijuana leaf.

Now I’m sure police wouldn’t want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and the state of Washington. Still, Willie Nelson would be proud.

32. Great, now these pumpkins are devouring people!

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

33. Well, maybe the pumpkin ate your baby.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that’s just too disturbing to put in one’s yard.

34. Behold, the Hannibal-Lect-o’-lantern.

Now I’m sure using Silence of the Lambs isn’t an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, “I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans.” Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

35. The Jack-o’-Lantern goes to the doctors.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don’t take any children. Also, I’m not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

36. Use your pumpkin to store your nice cold beer for football season.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

37. Oh, no, some pumpkin is wearing a thong!

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

38. Yikes! someone has pulled a grenade!

Now I’m sure a pumpkin grenade isn’t dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I’m sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

39. Pedobear says there’s free candy.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles as well as child sexualization like kiddie pageants and not as a mascot for pedophilia. However, this doesn't stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they're with their parents.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles and not as a mascot for pedophilia. Whenever, he’s on a picture it means, “you’re being creepy about a kid” and has been used to track down real pedophiles by authorities and Chris Hansen. However, this doesn’t stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they’re with their parents.

40. Come to this house and see nude girls now.

Now this gives “trick or treat” an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence. No one in their right mind would want this on their doorstep. Seriously, why?

41. Here the pumpkin chef reads a recipe while relieving himself.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I’m going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

42. For those in the family way, why not break the news with a pumpkin display like this?

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let’s just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

43. For those welcoming their bundle of joy on this Halloween, here’s a little pumpkin to commemorate the occasion.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it’s hard to believe unless you’ve seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

44. When you get Ablolut Vodka, you get absolutely buzzed.

Can’t believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it’s bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

45. Never put a jack-o’-lantern in your yard for you’d never know when they’ll attack.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let’s just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

46. And now, kids, this is how pumpkin pie is made.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they’ll think it’s pumpkin shit.

47. Sometimes pumpkins need to pay for college somehow.

A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I’ve seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, “Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?” I don’t think they want to answer that.

48. Guess this pumpkin couldn’t stand this cruel world any longer.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

49. Have the time of your reich, I mean life with this pumpkin tribute of Dirty Dancing.

What it’s supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

50. Looks like this pumpkin had a bit too much to drink.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it’s not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

Halloween Decorating Do’s and Don’ts

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 26, 2014

Of course, autumn is in the air and Halloween will soon be upon us before we know it. A lot of people relish in Halloween who tend to get all up in the festivities. I mean many of them dress in costumes as well as decorate their homes in the Halloween spirit. Yet, for those who plan to decorate for All Hallows Eve, you might want to be mindful of your neighbors if you want to be decked out around your house. I mean though you can go for scary, your decorations must be inoffensive and kid friendly because you never know what kind of trick or treaters you may get. If not, then you’ll probably find your Halloween decorations on the news stirring controversy which you don’t want. Nevertheless, for those who want to be creative, here is a nice little how-to on what and what not to do.

Do: A Halloween display of your favorite franchise.

Sure neighbors may think you had too much time on your hands while doing a Star Wars scarecrow display but at least some people would like it.

Don’t: Do a lawn display that could lead the neighbors to dial 911.

It’s said that the neighbors actually called 911 for this all too realistic decor of people getting run over. Don’t do this.

Do: Have decorations that were inspired by clever puns.

While this display may make neighbors question your parenting skills, I’m sure it’s nevertheless in the spirit and funny.

Don’t: Have Hallwoeen displays that include execution methods no matter how cool or scary the idea may seem.

Because you never know where your neighbors and guests may stand on the death penalty. Seriously, don’t do this.

Do: Displays with skeletons enjoying the pleasures of life.

Just a nice quiet afternoon open air picnic with Mr. and Mrs. Bones. I’m sure the neighbors won’t complain though they’d wonder where you got the skeletons from.

Don’t: Use hangings for your Halloween display unless they’re naked skeletons and not with rope by the neck.

Because an image like this can cause a lot of unpleasant feelings for people who may be anti-death penalty, know people who’ve tried killing themselves this way, actually have attempted suicide this way, or are African American. If they are the last part, then be warned that such displays may remind them of that old kind of racist hate crime used on them during the Jim Crow era. So don’t do this.

Do: Be eco-friendly and use any leftover supplies you may have.

Using old chicken wire to create ghostly dresses isn’t just creative, it’s also good for the environment as well. Besides, you can use these decorations again and again.

Don’t: Use your daughter’s baby dolls for your Halloween display or mutilated doll exhibit.

This just goes too far as scary goes. Besides, this might traumatize many trick or treaters, especially young girls. This is just plain sick if you know what I mean.

Do: Go with a ghost coven in your yard.

Now this isn’t just spooky but also rather eco-friendly, simple, and clever.

Don’t: Incorporate politics in your Halloween lawn display.

I know that Halloween isn’t too far from Election day. As a Catholic I’m perfectly fine with Halloween religious displays since well, there’s a lot of creepy religious stuff. But it’s only as good if the religion your mocking is your own, Christianity, cults, Neo-Paganism, Wicca, or Satanism. Yet, as a Democrat, for the love of God, don’t incorporate politics in your Halloween displays because you never know who you may offend in your neighborhood.

Do: Go with shadows.

May not be that scary up close but they’re sure clever, simple, and rather effective.

Don’t: Go for horrific circus displays that may traumatize children.

Now there is such a thing as being too scary. This horrific display may traumatize little kids and not want to make them see a circus in their lives.

Do: Mock non-political celebrities like Justin Bieber and Hugh Hefner.

After all, a guy known for founding a slutty magazine and an annoying Canadian teenie bopper are perfectly acceptable targets.

Don’t: Use any Halloween displays that go beyond the PG rating in anything other than gore.

While blood and gore are all right in your Halloween decorations to an extent, doing a pumpkin display with exposed boobs and butts will make many parents complain. I mean you want kid friendliness in this department so don’t do this.

Do: Go with cobwebs, graveyards, and Hollywood style Satanic and cult rituals.

After all, using elements in Halloween displays that have anything to do with death or the occult are perfectly acceptable.

Don’t: Have Halloween displays that depict murder and graphic violence or the neighbors may get upset with you.

I say this especially since the murders of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown as well as the controversial “shoot first” laws in many states. Also, such violent displays are too graphic for the kiddies.

Do: Decorate your lawn by reenacting your favorite movie in a Halloween style.

Now a skeleton version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? now that I approve most admirably. Looks like Blanche has rat for din din tonight.

Don’t: Make your Halloween lawn display offensive, especially in a racial context.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being gunned by a scary black person in a hoodie. I mean that's just racist.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being being chained by a black person in a hoodie? Seriously, this is just blatantly racist. Don’t ever do this for the love of God.

Do: Use your old dresses to create an illuminated Halloween display the neighbors would never forget.

Now using lights, wires, and dresses to create an illusion that ghosts are wearing your clothes is very creative and impressive. Kudos to the person who thought up this.

Don’t: Go for mutilated corpses that may make the neighbors complain.

A British man was told to remove this decoration, which probably serves just as well. I mean this is too graphic and gross to display in the front lawn anyway.

The Wonderful World of Peep Shows (No, Not That Kind)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 8, 2014

This week marked the start of the season of Lent which means that Easter will soon be upon us. And like many holidays, it does come with it’s share of decorations and hobbies. Every year it’s not unusual for certain venues to stage a peep competition in which people create scenes out of the sugar color coated chicks and rabbits that are unfit for human consumption. Trust me, they are. Yet, this doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with them like these people have. So without further adieu, here are some of my favorite peep dioramas that will give you a smile.

1. See the pink bunny on an afternoon in the art museum.

Seems to be very fond of the expressionists and Van Gogh here.

2. Watch a dramatic reenactment of 12 Angry Peeps.

Watch these twelve angry rabbits decide whether the accused gets smored.

3. Washchickton Crossing the Delaware.

Now this is a historical reenactment we can all get behind.

4. This bunny has done a very bad thing.

Dexter’s dark peepenger has awoken and is out for blood. So this pink bunny totally deserves it.

5. I don’t know how anyone could forget the Muppeeps.

Almost looks like a perfect picture of them. Really it does.

6. Take a sneak peek of the new season of acclaimed PeepBS drama Peepton Abbey.

I love this show and would totally see it all the characters were played by marshmallow bunnies.

7. Even peeps must now pass a security clearance.

And you thought air travel was a bitch these days.

8. Now see your favorite marshmallow peeps from space.

As the late Neil Peepstrong said, “That’s one small step for a peep, one giant leap in peepkind.”

9. Come one, come all to the Peepling Bros. Three Ring Circus.

Of course, nowadays, we don’t have a circuses under the Big Top anymore. And I’m not so sure they treat their elepeeps very well either.

10. Even peeps may not choose the best partners.

Still, this prison peep wedding scene is rather touching if you think about it.

11. When the time is right, Cialis will be there if you suffer from erectile dysfunction.

I may not understand the concept with the bathtubs in the Cialis commercials but this is very clever.

12. Jesus died for our sins and now he is risen.

I had to post one that captures the true spirit of Easter.

13. Watch the cardinals gather in Rome for the Peepal Conclave.

I love how these bunnies look in their red robes and crosses.

14. Because even peeps need a place to hold their bachelor parties.

Gives the concept of “peep show” a whole new meaning doesn’t it? This is pretty funny I had to post it.

15. I present you a dramatic reenactment of the wreck of the Edmund Peepsgerald.

This later inspired a song written by Canadian folk legend Gordon Lightfoot.

16. Watch this dramatic tribute to The Wizard of Peeps.

Now finally an adaptation that won’t traumatize your child.

17. See Moses parting the Red Sea from Cecil Peep. DeMille’s The Ten Commandpeeps.

Always loved it when Charlton Peepton said to Pharoh, "Let my peeple go!"

Always loved it when Charlton Peepton said to Pharaoh, “Let my peeple go!”

18. Watch the Peaple’s enter Peeperland via the Yellow Submarine.

I suppose not everyone has actually seen the film, have they? Still, “We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine.”

19. So this is what bunnies do when they get drunk.

Still, I don’t know if the bunny is completely sober at the karaoke bar.

20. Watch a dramatic reenactment of the Boston Peep Party.

I hope this historical moment didn’t give rise to the Peep Party Caucus centuries later.

21. Who could ever forget Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber on Peep Street.

Seriously, I don’t think the other bunnies might not want to know what’s in Mrs. Lovett’s marshmallow pies.

22. No one could ever resist a diorama of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds with Pippi Hedren.

I don’t like the look of black chicks on the jungle gym. I hope Pippi doesn’t get pecked to death.

23. Of course, even peeps have their reality shows like Jersey Peepe.

Unlike the real show, this isn’t nearly offensive to people in New Jersey. I also love the yellow bunnies’ tans. Thankfully the real show is cancelled.

24. Another hockey night with Pittsburgh Peepguins at the Consol Energy Center.

A Pens fan had to have done this. Of course, I don’t know who the person holding the Crosby’s Crispy sign is rooting for.

25. Nevertheless, we have to acknowledge that some peeples did practice peeple sacrifice.

I’m sure the Pre-Columbian peeples have their own rationale for doing this. Of course, they believed such activities ensured their survival.

26. You should also know that even peeps celebrate Festivus.

Here you see the yellow peeps criticizing each other, the red peeps erecting a bare pole, and the purple peeps preparing the feats of strength.

27. Of course, we can all agree that Harry Peeper is one of the greatest wizards who ever lived.

Now I think the Deathly Mallows is the last book of the series.

28. In an old house in Paris that was covered in vines, lived twelve little peeps in two straight lines.

Now I can’t tell which chick is Madeline.

29. Nobody can’t resist the childhood story of Goodnight Peeps.

Almost looks the same as in the Margaret Wise Brown story, which also involved rabbits.

30. Prepare for adventure in Indiana Peep and the Quest for the Golden Bear.

The natives don’t seem too happy with him. Of course, he probably destroyed their entire temple just to obtain that little trinket since “It belongs in a museum.”

31. If there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who ya’ gonna call? Ghost Peepers.

Of course, a peep diorama of Ghostbusters has to include the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy.

32. Remember the Alamo as done by the peeps.

Of course, this was the battle we lost Davy Chickett and James Bowpeep who invented his big ass knife.

33. Somehow peeps don’t seem to care for Chick-Fil-A for some reason.

Rather these chicks may think it’s better you eat at Steak n’ Shake.

34. It’s a fight to the death when Katniss reaches the Cornucopia.

You know this is about the Hunger Games. And no, the Cornucopia didn’t look like that in the book or the movie. Still, it’s pretty funny.

35. The Romneys might want to consider a dog kennel when they go on a family vacation.

I may think Romney is a steaming turd of a human being but I love this diorama. I especially like the dog on the roof of the car.

36. A peep show wouldn’t be complete without a US Civil War reenactment of some sort.

This diorama depicts a scene from 1861 Alexandria, Virginia which shows the deaths of Col. Elmer Ellsworth and Secessionist James Jackson at the Marshall House. These were said to be the first deaths in the US Civil War.

37. Occupy Peep Street: We are the 99%.

Sometimes you can only piss off a peep so far before they snap. Of course, this represents a whole generation screwed over by Wall Street.

38. Who could ever forget the hardships faced by the Joad family in The Peeps of Wrath by John Steinbeck?

Of course, this is the scene where they bury the old grandpa in Oklahoma. Things don’t get much better for them in California though.

39. Because even peeps can get crazy at parties.

I don’t like The Girls Gone Wild series because of how it treats its subjects. However, I think this is a clever parody.

40. You better watch out for Peepzilla.

As if the peeple of Tokyo hadn’t been through enough giant monsters.

41. Even peeps love to have a good time at Mardi Gras.

Well, I had to post a diorama for Mardi Gras somewhere. I mean it’s the start of Lent here.

42. Who can ever forget this iconic scene from Star Peep: The Original Series.

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Star Peep Enterprise. It’s mission: to seek out new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no peep has gone before.

43. A rendition of the iconic Nightpeeps by Edward Hopper.

They seem so friendly with each other do they?

44. Of course, every dinner has to have it’s share of crashers, even a White House state dinner.

Still, its cuter than the real thing. And the White House looks as resplendent in the background.

45. No Disney trip would be complete with out It’s a Small World ride in the Magic Kingdom.

Believe me, this diorama is much less creepy than the real thing.

46. I don’t think protesting the winter weather is going to help, peeps.

Still makes a good diorama though.

47. Oh, look, Sergeant Peeper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

So let me introduce to you, the one and only Billy Shears, and Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

48. Here’s a rendition of St. Bunidickt at the beach.

For those at Saint Vincent College, this is for you.

49. Even for peeps, it’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

Courtesy of The Village Peeple. Love their outfits.

50. Seems that these bunnies don’t like figs for some reason.

I mean they’re burning fig newtons for crying out loud.

Valentines Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 14, 2014

Valentines Day is one of the many holidays in which sweethearts exchange many kinds of gifts, especially sweets. Of course, it’s not uncommon for many to buy a specially made cake. For those interested, I can go on and on what lovely cakes cakes you can give to your loved one for Valentines Day. However, for those who looking for ideas, don’t use this post for inspiration since this is devoted to cakes you don’t want to send to your devoted sweetheart. Actually this post is for the cake ideas you want to avoid as well as serve as a kind of entertainment to those single on this day of love. So without further adieu, here are some Valentines Day cakes nobody wants to get.

1. This is a perfect cake for your sweetheart on Valentines Day, assuming that you two are avid fans of Star Trek.

Of course, if you’re the only Star Trek fan and your valentine can’t stand it, then I’m afraid your relationship is dead, Jim. And I mean as dead as a redshirt on an alien planet.

2. The perfect way to tell your sweetheart that you’re willing to settle for them because you can’t find anyone better.

The perfect cake to give to Mr. Good Enough or Mr. Right Now because you’re just tired of dating and your biological clock is ticking.

3. Of course, what better to tell than this beauty to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day as well as tell them you don’t want any kids.

Sure what better way to tell your sweetheart that babies are diaper wearing little monsters. A word of caution to guys: If you plan to give your girl this cake, make sure she doesn’t have a pregnancy test with a + on it or anything relating to her being in the family way.

4. Sending this lovely cake may result in your beloved quickly dumping you and slamming it in your face before rushing to the doctor’s.

This cake has spelled doom to many relationships, especially since it kind of appears like a revelation of infidelity and possibly not practicing safe sex.

5. For the love bug in your life who gives you butterflies…….I think. Well, it looks like a butterfly.

Or it could look like something else, but I’m not sure if I want to dwell on it. Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

6. If you’re sending cupcakes, best not to give your loved one ones that say this.

Or loved one would soon be the butt of all the jokes, won’t they?

7. If you want to get some for Valentines Day, it’s best to be up front about it.

Of course, giving your sweetheart a cake saying “I’m horny for you” with a unicorn on it is not what I had in mind.

8. What can go wrong with a teddy bear on your cake, assuming you and your beloved are into that sort of thing.

Assuming that your kids aren’t around and if one of you is a big fan 50 Shades of Grey and Build-A-Bear Workshop.

9. Of course, sometimes it’s okay to go a little different once in awhile.

However, God only knows whatever the hell this thing is supposed to be?

10. For the one you’d want to tell to eat their heart out.

This is pretty gory for a Valentines cake. Also, whatever is chewing the heart doesn’t seem to have any eyes.

11. What better way to tell your sweetheart that they make you feel warm and light up your life.

Though the heart saying “You + Me” is placed on top what looks like a flaming pile of shit.

12. Perhaps this is the best way to say Happy Valentines Day to your loved one and tell them that it’s strictly physical.

And if you’re a woman, perhaps ruin everything about your childhood. Also, this is flagrantly inappropriate for for children and could possibly traumatize them.

13. What better way to tell your sweetheart they’re the key to your heart or that they satisfy your primal urges like no other.

In some ways this can be interpreted that a key to a man’s heart is through his penis.

14. Perhaps this Princess Bride inspired cake can never underestimate the value of true love.

Though the sword seems to pertain to other connotations which might make a man seem a little self-conscious about his own “sword.”

15. So who can ever resist roses on Valentines Day?

Especially brown ones that look like chunks of dog shit with leaves on them.

16. Because there is never a better way to tell your sweetheart you’ve been shot in the heart, literally.

Of course, this is a relatively graphic depiction. Perhaps it’s better if the heart isn’t anatomically correct.

17. Of course, what better way to express your wish to see other people without having to confront them in person than sending your significant other a cake like this.

Of course, the receiver should look on the bright side, since they could spend drowning their sorrows eating it as well as it’s chocolate. Besides, anyone unwilling to break up with you in person doesn’t deserve you anyway.

18. Yet, what better way to tell your significant other that you hate them and have been planning to ditch them for a long time.

This may be overdoing it a bit but at least those jerks will get the message. Still, it’s probably better if you throw it at them.

19. For women: Best way to wish your man Happy Valentines Day and that you want him to get a vasectomy.

This might make guys shrink in fear but at least it’s clear that she doesn’t want any (or anymore) kids.

20. Happy Valentines Day from your nightmares.

Is this a sheep or a bunny? Because it sure as hell looks very terrifying. Die, you fluffy thing! Die, I tell you!

21. For men: What better way to wish your woman Happy Valentines Day as well as tell her that you’re planning to have her sleep with other guys for money.

Ladies, you might want to give he burning house cake if any guy gives you this one.

22. Best way to wish your significant other “Happy Valentines Day, my ass!”

This is actually pretty clever but I don’t think recipients would take an upside down heart cake as a compliment.

23. Best way to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day and that they’re stuck with you.

Somehow I’m not very comfortable with the ball and chain metaphor. I don’t know, I just find it disturbing.

24. No Valentines cake can be as sickeningly sweet as this….creature here.

Reminds me of a ferocious alien creature from a sci-fi horror movie. Seriously, it’s very terrifying. Kill it! Kill it with fire!

25. What better way to say “Be Mine” than a cake of a dead bee.

Looks like a bee with a heart on its chest after hitting a windshield.

26. There is no better way to tell your sweetheart that they give the best, well, you figure it out.

Sure your loved one may like hearing that you give them the best BJ’s but they probably don’t want that written on a cake.

27. What better way to say “Be Mine” than with a heart shaped cake with what appears to be bees, I think.

Though they don’t have wings, which makes them seem like giant yellow ants with black stripes on them.

28. Happy Valentines Day from the bottom of my colon? Wait a minute.

I thought it was said that true love comes from the heart and not Uranus.

29. Happy Valentines Day from the Heart Monster.

And those purple things are its hands used to take your soul. It wants to eat you.

30. The best way to tell you’re significant other that you’re not that into them.

Then why a heart shaped cookie cake saying so then?

31. Happy Valentines Day from the Cookie Monster. No, I don’t mean that Cookie Monster.

I think the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street was far less terrifying than this one. I mean who makes these cookies. These hearts look evil.

32. Happy Valentines Day from the heart cookie eating monster from Pac-Man, I think.

Still, at least it’s eating those monstrous looking cookies. Yet, I can’t see how anyone would think this is cute.

33. Happy Valentines Day from this googly eyed thingy. Seriously I don’t know what it is.

Kind of reminds me of Admiral Akbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” Yeah.

34. Of course, there some important things you don’t want to mention on Valentines Day.

You might want to apologize for a lot more than that, especially since your significant other will dump you and you’d have this cake all over your face.

35. A cake that could break your beloved’s heart.

Now the cake may be a nice little crown but the saying is just cruel. Still, at least you can binge on this cake to soothe your unending pain.

36. Nothing says Valentines Day like green and gray roses.

Well, maybe in a Tim Burton movie. Yet, these may look better suited on a Halloween cake instead.

37. Of course, sometimes a cake can help bring the relationship to the next level.

Perhaps you want to be absolutely sure that she’ll say yes before you buy her this. Otherwise, it could go really, really, badly.

38. A Valentines cake that nobody asked for.

This is so tacky. In fact, I don’t think I want a heart cake resembling someone’s rear end with a thong. This is awful.

39. Not like I was going to ask you but thanks for telling me.

Sure you may have viable credentials but that doesn’t mean you should put it on a cake like in a personal ad for whatever it is you’re looking for.

40. Nothing like a cake to show your valentine how desperate you are for their love.

Now this is a really desperate attempt by somebody. Wonder what this person is like.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 5, 2014

Valentines Day has never been one of my favorite holidays but is nevertheless one involving card exchanges showing how much we love each other. Previous generations have done the same as well. Of course there are plenty of cute vintage valentines out there while some are kind of a bit, let me just say, strange and probably should never see a mailbox. Besides, may lead to the receiver wondering if their secret admirer has any account for taste or was the designer just on acid. So here is a look at some of the freakiest vintage valentines ever sent in the days of old.

1. Nothing brings the Valentine’s Day spirit than joking about flagrant white supremacist violence on black people.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I’ve ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine’s Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn’t very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

2. Nothing says “Be Mine” in the sincerest form than in armed intimidation.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

3. Of course, nothing tells your valentine how sweet they are than card depicting a girl in a flaming cauldron.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I’m not sure if any of us would want to be told we’re sweet enough to eat.

4. Nothing says, Happy Valentine’s Day than saying you’re planning to skin your beloved’s head and offend Native Americans.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I’m so sorry.

5. Nothing says, “Be Mine” than treating your beloved like cattle.

I’m not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I’m not a cow and branding is for cattle.

6. Finally, nothing says “Be My Valentine” than your willingness to be fried and served over easy.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

7. Hunting out for a Valentine, willing to settle for bear.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

8. Somehow this valentine highly suggests whether you’re either willing to abduct or just a big devotee of 50 Shades of Grey.

And it’s even more disturbing since it’s a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

9. Nothing says “Be Mine” than a valentine depicting prehistoric assault.

Somehow I don’t see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy’s dwelling as anything romantic.

10. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than saying “Be mine or I’ll kill myself.”

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

11. Happy Valentine’s Day from Captain Sex Offender.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you’ll like it or not.

12. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Horny Mad Scientist Vampire.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

13. Nothing shows your love on Valentine’s Day than running over your sweetheart.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I'm sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I’m not sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

14. Happy Valentine’s Day from the creepy kid putting his heart on a platter.

So how is this a Valentine’s Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

15. Nothing depicts the spirit of Valentine’s Day more than a child ice skating with his humongous shaggy dog.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man’s best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

16. This says: “Be Mine” or else I’ll rip your teeth out.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don’t submit to sender.

17. Nothing says “I love you” to your sweetheart than suggesting that they’ll go after you with a hammer if you ever try seeing someone else.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

18. The best way for your sweetheart to be yours is sending a valentine of a creepy clown.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don’t think this will help.

19. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than a valentine depicting a creepy girl.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that’s not cute at all.

20. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than saying that you’ll do whatever the say.

Jesus, lady, I know you’re a waitress but please get a life.

21. Nothing gets in the spirit of Valentines Day than a valentine of a rabid sheep.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

22. Give your sweetheart a valentine of a gangster with a loaded gun and they’ll know you mean business.

And you don’t want to say no to a gangster, do you?

23. A great way to tell your valentine that they’re a hunk of heart of burning love for you.

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That’s insane!

24. If you want to send love to your valentine, then tell them through your ventriloquism.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time. It will certainly give you nightmares.

25. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than a card showing one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

26. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than your willingness to be held at the stocks in public humiliation.

I hear a lot about “taking stock” but this is ridiculous.

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy stuck in the ice cube.

I’d much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don’t think he can just “thaw out” though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can’t describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can’t I?

28. I knew that Dorothy had it in for the Tin Man.

Please, I don’t want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

29. You know your dog loves you if he farts in your face as a valentine.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

30. Happy Valentines Day from the person who caught a contagious heart disease from you.

Hmmm….perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don’t let me guess how it’s spread.

31. Happy Valentines Day from the squirrel who wants to kidnap you.

Because he’s so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

32. Nothing says I’ll be your valentine than agreeing to be their mindless mook they don’t have to care about.

Let’s just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it’s never innocent. Also, you don’t want anyone to be your dictator.

33. Happy Valentines Day from the creepy child in the nail seat.

He’s probably screaming from a sore asshole.

34. Happy Valentine’s Day, and you’ll be sure you see the point from my Swiss Army Knife.

I’m not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

35. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a young girl suggesting you to do BDSM with her.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I’m not sure this is innocent.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from the worm in the rotten apple.

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

37. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a not so innocent reference to bestiality.

I'm sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her steers or bulls a little too much for her own good.

I’m sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her little doagies a little too much here.

38. Happy Valentine’s Day from cute artist or creepy psycho killer child with creepy dog.

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

39. Happy Valentine’s Day from Cupid selling the barbecue hearts special.

Something tells me having one’s heart on a platter really doesn’t suit my stomach right now.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from scary and offensive Chinese laundry man.

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

41. Happy Valentine’s Day from creepy old dude who may look like Satan.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day now be my puppet.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

43. And you thought your doctor was a creep.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

44. A valentine that shows how much you’re willing to hammer it in.

I’m not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from the dog gunner with a heart shaped machine gun.

Be his or he’ll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

46. Nothing says “Be my valentine” than seeing someone willing to eat fire for you.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I’m not sure if I’d like someone do that for me.

47. Happy Valentine’s Day from the mad cow.

And that cow certainly looks like there’s something wrong with it. And please don’t feed me its brains.

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your sweetheart or friend with benefits.

Something tells me that “screwy” may not have innocent connotations here.

49. Happy Valentine’s Day from the butcher.

And yes, he’s got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you’re not a vegetarian or vegan or he’ll cleave you.

50. Happy Valentine’s Day from Satan.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: Holidays