I hate to ask this question but isn’t the title a bit sexist? I don’t want to sound rude but the idea of being beaten by a girl doesn’t seem to have great connotations. To put it mildly.

What’s even funnier is how this is listed as a #1 New York Times bestseller. Now this makes me wonder what kind of people would be interested in this book. Then again, as to why men have nipples is a rather interesting question.

Even funnier is how you see a guy hunting with his dog on the cover. Probably a way for the designer to show readers that this it’s a book for manly men. But it begs the question on how you can use a tampon for duck hunting.

Now how does the Bible have a cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome? I’m not sure if it even does. If it did, I’m sure it wouldn’t be pleasant. Besides, I’d rather not trust biblical medicine, for obvious reasons.

Now it’s all right to like your stepmother. And it’s perfectly fine to find her attractive. But it’s not okay to make out with her, touch her boobs, or have anything other than a platonic relationship with her. Seriously, who thought this image would make a great cover? That’s insane!

Then again, people did smoke a lot in those days. Perhaps, they couldn’t see the naked woman from the cloud of smoke. Or the guy with the gun. Still, not sure if cigarettes create that much smoke at any given time. Must’ve been a party.

I’m getting the impression that a lot of these sci-fi covers just don’t make sense. Maybe it’s just too many cover designers on acid. But I can’t be sure.

She may want to save sex for marriage. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t reach into a guy’s pants and feel around for his junk first. Yeah, this cover has very bad photo placement. I mean it suggests something more inappropriate than it’s supposed to convey.

Now I’m sure Trixie’s buddy isn’t trying to get into her pants but it sure looks like it. Then again, they might be experimenting with their sexuality. Yes, I’m sure people suspecting lesbianism will have fun with this.

Now I know this is a sci-fi book but still. Goethe manage to write a story with just one Faust in it. Why would anyone want to write with 90 trillion is beyond me.

Now this is just crazy since we all know what Bernie Madoff did basically put him in jail for the rest of his life. I mean it was pretty horrible. Still, hope the kiddies enjoy activities like Cooking the Books, Pyramid Scheme, Hush Money, Take the Money and Run, and more. Seriously, this is a real book from Amazon.

Now this is pretty bad photoshop. Not sure if having patrol cars in outer space will do the trick. But, oh well, makes a funny cover image anyway. Also makes the book hard to take seriously despite it being written by people who seem to know their stuff.

Hate to break it to you, but I’m sure the cover has the brunette on the bearskin rug looking very much alive. Then again, I’m not sure if I’d trust her either. She might be the killer for all we know.

Now that’s probably one of the most evil equines I’ve ever see. Besides, who the hell would want to title their book Bumsider? Seriously, seems like a sci-fi book taking place inside somebody’s large intestine.

Now other than the tunnel of red ghosts on the cover, I have to feel bad for the shirtless afroed Moorcock in this book. Seems like the kind of guy who was bullied a lot in school. Yeah, that name really doesn’t help him, save maybe in porn.

And it seems that Gollum keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Boy, he sure looks like hell on this cover. Still, I wonder if Bilbo Baggins should get a membership for the Ye Olde Shire Gym when he comes home.

Doesn’t help that the cover features two naked guys trying to catch the wizard guy’s balls. Wait a minute, did I just say that? Please, I don’t want to know why.

Unfortunately, a muffin muncher can also mean something quite a bit different from what this book implies. Let’s just say I can’t talk about what Urban Dictionary’s definition of a muffin muncher. Except that it has absolutely nothing to do with muffins. Probably is subject to as much misinterpretation as Puff the Magic Dragon.

Now this looks like something you’d put on a greeting card commemorating a brisk. Also, what the hell do magical scarecrows have to do with Chanukah? Then again, I’m not a Jew so I’d probably not understand these things. But when I hear about magical scarecrows, I’m more likely to think about the Wizard of Oz than anything pertaining to Judaism.

Now this is part of a famous German sci-fi series from the 1960s which has sold over a billion copies. It’s the most successful sci-fi book series ever written. However, you’d think a series like this would have a better cover design. Looks like that rocket ship is has launched from Perry’s pants.

Of course, you have to wonder about people who think that a sci-fi story set on a cat people planet could ever be taken seriously. Also, I heard their Almighty Cat God is Fluffers.

I’d especially love to see the chapter on human reproductive systems. It would be quite disappointing to find that this book says nothing about the nature of chronic menstrual cramps in African American men. Also, I’m sure the baby on this cover is actually a child they kidnapped from some rich guy because of her fertility problems and his criminal record. Seriously, if you saw Raising Arizona, you’d know this.

I guess that parent teacher conferences will be getting a whole lot awkward from now on. Yeah, I’m sure a skin tight bodysuit isn’t allowed in the school dress code. Especially ones that expose the nipples.

I guess someone’s going to be sushi tonight, and I’m sure it’s not the octopus. Yeah, can’t tell whether it’s one of the lamest things I’ve seen or the coolest. And I guess there are the scantily clad purple and green girls in the background.

In the book, the author makes an elaborate system pertaining to abandoned shopping carts. From Amazon: “In The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America author Julian Montague has created an elaborate classification system of abandoned shopping carts, accompanied by photographic documentation of actual stray cart sightings. These sightings include bucolically littered locations such as the Niagara River Gorge (where many a cart has been pushed to its untimely death) and mundane settings that look suspiciously like a suburb near you. “

Now I get that Hillary may not be well liked among this book’s target audience. But come on, to call her the Whore of Babylon is kind of exaggerating. And I’m sure she doesn’t have evil red eyes. Besides, I highly doubt that the Whore of Babylon would ever put up with spending her days in a pantsuit.

Now The Rifleman was a western TV show pertaining to a father and son in the 1950s. However, though I’m sure this book’s for kids, the cover image suggests otherwise.

Then again, I’m sure his red mane gives the princess something to hold onto during the ride. However, I’m sure the destination won’t be so pleasant from what I can tell by the guy’s facial expressions.

Since it’s an “adults only” book, you can speculate this is about a 1980s bodybuilder transported to some wilderness where he has only his rifle to survive. Still, the guy’s proportions are terrible since he seems to have no hips.

Now this just looks ridiculous. Also, I wonder what that thing is in a green coat and jeans. Doesn’t seem to be in place here. Not to mention, the robot duck is quite adorable.

Now who in their right mind would want to wear that outfit? Might be something that Liberace would wear. But everyone else? Hell, no! I’m sure any normal guy wearing this would be thrown out of every bar in town, save the place they serve the gays. Seriously, this must be a joke.

What’s even worse is that this book’s been published with photos of Anne Frank for decades. Why a designer in South Korea thought replacing her with a slutty blond, I have no idea. Seriously, there’s no excuse for having a cover like this.

Yes, I know childbirth and pregnancy can be disgusting. But still, I’m sure this woman should opt for a c-section since the baby has such an over-sized head. Also, maybe it’s best to leave the childbirth out of kiddie books. Just for the sake of not having covers like this.

Wouldn’t be surprised if this book pertained to some Brokeback Mountain type romance. Yet, I’m sure the guy won’t disrobe on his wedding night due to possessing a tiny shaft.

I’m sure this girl’s vagina isn’t really haunted. Might seem that way because she’s a demon. But as the skeletons can tell you, there were plenty of guys who just didn’t listen.

Seems like Jimmy will have a lot of explaining to do for being quite a busy boy. Hope he doesn’t get into much trouble screwing every woman in town. Because no man wants to deal with child support, jealous husbands, paternity suits, possibly murder, and more. So perhaps guys should just keep it in their pants or use protection.

Man, seems like someone really doesn’t like feminism according to the cover. Of course, he probably has no idea of what feminism is and thinks they hate men, instead of the structural patriarchal sexism that they have to put up with every day of their lives. Seems the author doesn’t notice this. And I’m sure he really hates women as you see on the cover.

Actually I’ve seen the movie which is about a supposedly Arab sheik who kidnaps and nearly rapes a white woman in Northern Africa. But they fall in love. Guaranteed to anger Muslims and feminists alike. Well, if it weren’t for the fact that the movie hadn’t aged bad enough to be an unintentional comedy (it was made in the 1920s). Also, he’s actually English and Spanish, which doesn’t seem believable in the least bit.

Actually it would be better if they actually kill the moose, stuffed its head, and then used his antlers as a clothes rack. Because moose aren’t very nice animals and kill more people than bears.

Naked woman rising from a corn husk in the morning? Now that’s messed up. Seriously, I’ve heard of corns but this is ridiculous. Also bad photoshop.

Also, I’m not sure if “Ho Ho,” is a great name for a game show in a romance novel. Besides, we all know that she’s going to end up on the Goodyear Blimp with the Michelin Tire Man.

Of course, this cover image is just ridiculous. Besides, pointing a gun at a rubber duck? I’m sure it’ll traumatize little kids. But adults will find such an image too hilarious to take this book seriously.

Oooh, boy, looks like Santa belongs on the naughty list as of this Christmas. Yeah, screwing scantily clad teenage girls can do that for you. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Chris Kringle these days?

This book was actually subject to a lawsuit by an Ohio couple alleging the author had used their engagement photo without their permission. I’m surprised that it wasn’t sued by the New England Patriots. It also has a sequel called Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone.

I’m sure this author is really aiming for fans of Breaking Bad. Still, I can understand the image. Because featuring a real meth whore on the cover wouldn’t be a sure sell. Then again, she could’ve used Gollum who’s a pretty close approximation.

Let’s hope the crab catching these people do doesn’t lead to them itching and scratching their nether regions afterwards. Then again, if one of them has crabs, then they should probably see a doctor and keep it in their pants.

Sure it might be handy during tough economic times. But would you really want to be seen buying it is the question. Not to mention, I’m not sure how they came up with 301 dating ideas under a buck. Just seems impossible at a time when a typical McDonald’s meal costs more. Also known as “301 First Dates.” And not with the same person.

If I saw my boyfriend in bed with a toaster, I wouldn’t be accusing him of cheating. Actually, I’d think he’s losing his mind and should get his head examined. Seriously, a love story between a man and his toaster, why?

But that doesn’t mean embracing Christianity ha s prevented Jaws from eating people, though. He still finds their flesh too tempting for his own good.

Now I’m sure this is supposed to be geared to young girls and Katie has probably has no fantasies about banging horses whatsoever. Still, the title and tagline don’t help matters. And might suggest that this book pertains to pre-teen girls and bestiality.

From the cover: “Murder shouldn’t be fun, but Sandra was luscious enough to eat, and Hugo’s ideas about what to do with her were rather different.” Okay, maybe she should probably dump him and run to the nearest police station. It’s probably the sanest thing to do.

Man: “Oh, sweetheart, I want to make ravishing love to you under the full moon. I need you. I want you. I love you. You set my soul on fire.”
Woman: “Not tonight. Not ever. And if you don’t leave now, I shall file for a restraining order against you so I’ll never have to see you again.”

Yeah, this is children’s book with one of the dirtiest titles I’ve ever read. I’m sure perverted parents are bound to be disappointed. Also, Chicken City kind of looks segregated. Just a thought.

And by “femininity” she probably means “indentured servitude.” I may hate burning books, but I’ll make this one an exception. Why should I ask a men how to be feminine, good God.

Looks like these two girls are fighting over a robot who has absolutely no fashion sense and seems to like Hostess cupcakes. Also, he might be blind. Then again, maybe it’s a teenage “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation which might be quite terrifying.

I have to admit, if I saw a man in women’s clothes, I’d probably know. It’s usually not that hard to figure out gender. Nevertheless, this guy might have some issues with his sexuality after that moment. Also, the abstract suggests date rape, which I think is even more disturbing. I meaning knocking out someone to disrobe is certainly a prelude to it. Guy must have serious problems.

And I’m sure dogs shouldn’t be eating some of that food on the table. Particularly the sundae with chocolate sauce. To a dog, that’s a very lethal dessert.

Even if you haven’t read this book, you should know that a book about famous people in the Victorian age shouldn’t have a Viking on it. Better go with a picture of Charles Dickens, not Eric the Red. Seems like the cover designer knows nothing about history. Or just thinks a Viking on the cover looks cool.

For God’s sake, Frederic Chopin was a French-Polish pianist who had a 9 year love affair with George Sand. Also he lived during the 19th century Romantic Era and died young. He was never a guitar wielding folksinger from the 1960s who wore Levis. Did these people even do their research?

For those who think that Norway would make a great tropical vacation spot this summer, you must be sorely mistaken. Seriously, that looks more like the Bahamas than Norway. Besides, part of Norway is in the Arctic circle not on the Equator. Someone really knows nothing about geography.

Because no old lady with sunglasses should ever leave her home without her Holy Bible and handgun. Sure there’s the thing with “turn the other cheek” but for God’s sake, this is America, goddammit!

If it wasn’t for the title, you wouldn’t think it had anything Christian about it. Seriously, when you see pictures of beaches, pools, and sea front stores, do you think of Jesus? No, you think about going on vacation.

And I thought a children’s book promoting open carry was bad. This is just seriously fucking insane! I mean there’s nothing awesome getting measles whatsoever! For the love of God, vaccinate your kids! I mean if you’re so worried about your kid having Autism that you’re willing to expose them to potentially fatal childhood diseases, there’s just something fucking wrong with you! I’m sorry, but I’d rather have an Autistic child than a dead child. Seriously, Autism isn’t nearly as bad as having measles.

This would’ve come in handy in a lot horror movies that involves demon possession. And it seems like this guy really needs it. By the way, the guy has his own website all about it.

Now this bestiality romance novel seems to give the notion of “horseplay” a whole new meaning. Even freakier is that the horse has human hands and might’ve had some Minotaur style conception story.

Of course, these sci-fi covers can be pretty trippy. Still, I’m not sure whether I’m more surprised with a maneating typewriter on it or just a typewriter. Then again, it seems to come from the 1980s.

From that woman’s face, I’d rather pass the chance of having dinner with her. Her expression reads she might have you in mind as a main course.

Man, I’d hate to want to know what all the sky of mouths is all about. Must be a trippy sight even for Westeros and kind of scary, too. Maybe Game of Thrones is a step better than this, at least according to the covers.

Now while this might be the kind of inspirational story Bible Belt Christians know and love in their saccharine media stories, the title is just so hard to make me take this book seriously.

Actually my mistake. It’s actually a “science” activity book catered to 10-14 year olds. The fact it probably advocates creationism isn’t a surprise. As a Catholic I believe that God created the universe, world, and life over billions of years and through His great miracles of evolution by natural selection and the Big Bang. This book is pseudoscientific bullshit at best.

Basically this company thinks that put a pink cover with sparkles on it and girls will instantly buy. Nevertheless, at least there are some great female heroes in this like Jael who got a guy drunk and drove a tent peg in his head.

Seriously, having a fist is basically the last thing you want on a cover pertaining to saving your marriage. It kind of gives the idea that you advocate spousal abuse as a viable solution, which it certainly is not.

Man, that seems like a cross between a centaur with humans on his hands that resemble him. Now this makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was on some psychedelic drugs when he thought this would make a great idea for a cover.

Now this is a book by William S. Burroughs that focuses on his life as a heroin user and dealer during the 1940s. However, the cover seems like some bad shit’s about to go down.

Now this book has a wide range of bread sculptures in it such as the ladybugs and dinosaurs. However, there are also ones that involve naked people which are just so disturbing. And they even have pubes, yes, bread pubes. Not to mention, it gives the word “doughnut” a whole new meaning.

As if dieting books were already bad enough when it comes to fat shaming. This book basically says that overeating and obesity are the work of Satan. And that the only way to lose weight is to stop eating for several days and spend mealtimes away from your family. Seriously.

Yes, this is a teen devotional with it’s cheesy mandatory diversity photo from the 1980s. However, I suggest a picture of the temptation of Faust by Mephistopheles would be far more appropriate than this.

Excerpt from Amazon. com: “The bacon storm is rolling in. We hear the grease and sugar beat against the roof and windows. The doughnut people are attacking. We press close together, forgetting for a moment that we hate each other.” Still, I’m sure seeing zombie doughnuts on the cover may remind some people of their horrible acid trip at Krispy Kreme.

I’m sure looking at all the guys’ hats on the cover you might be expecting an orgy with Snow White, the Prince, and the seven dwarfs. Please, I don’t want to imagine it.

Now this looks dangerous. Doesn’t help that he has a nasty mace that could rip his eye out. But I’m not sure if the cover artist cared.

Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy’s actually all right once you get to know him. But I’m not sure why this cover should depict him as a young Colin Firth with chest hair.  Not sure if I want to see his Fitzwilliam.

Seriously, how can someone mistake a couple of Indian horsemen as King Arthur’s knights. For God’s sake, King Arthur is a medieval English king! He may not be real but, still. These two guys look like they’re in the service of Geronimo.

This woman is Charlotte Bronte who’s best known for writing Jane Eyre during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of some disease at 38 in 1855 while pregnant, which was the year before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn’t make any damn sense.

Now this book is certainly for Christian audiences that says the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a cult while the Care Bears are about non Christian attitudes and beliefs. Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are brainwashing our children as we speak! That doesn’t even mention that watching Casper and the Smurfs will prepare kids for the occult. Nevertheless, this book is written by a guy who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Yeah, I think this trombonist seems like he wants to poison somebody. Maybe it’s the concert master for disappointing him that the his instrument doesn’t get the melody part in “Seventy-Six Trombones.”

Now this is a book about the 6th President of the United States who also had an illustrious political career. And it was written by William Seward who was Lincoln’s Secretary of State responsible for buying Alaska. So why the hell are there moai statues on the cover? They’re in South America, goddammit!

Okay, that looks kind of gay. Then again, after watching Foxcatcher, you wonder if wrestling is such a manly sport that the movie might have some homoerotic undertones.

Now even if you haven’t read this or even heard of this book, anyone who knows the slightest bit about Africa should know that it doesn’t look like the freaking Himalayas.

What’s even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I’d wonder what 19th century Victorian author Thomas Hardy would’ve thought of “Sweet Child of Mine.”

Now Moll Flanders is not the kind of book you’d want your daughter to read if she’s younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman and a prostitute who’s married 5 times, sleeps with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.

Seriously, androids didn’t exist in the late 19th century. And this guy doesn’t even seem dressed as a Victorian. So why he’s on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book just beats me.

Now Treasure Island takes place in the 17th century during the Golden Age of Piracy. Sure it’s not really an accurate piece about pirates since they didn’t bury treasure. However, Stevenson makes no mention of bicycles in the text, which weren’t invented until the late 19th century. By then, Stevenson was dead.

Now despite the creature being as creepy as hell, this book is hard to take seriously once you see the word, “ass” in the title. I mean ass goblins, seriously?

Of course, you probably don’t want to run into these animals in the park anytime soon. Swans are quite mean but a fire breathing one? Yeah, only cool for awhile until they’re coming after you.

Yes, cojoined twins are out there and I’m sure there’s nothing horrifying about this book. But the cover, maybe you’d wonder whether they should’ve hired a different illustrator.

Man, maybe we should e-mail our congressmen to increase funding for the National Park Service. I really have a bad feeling about the Grizzly uprising against campers in the western National Parks come tourist season.

Now that kind of looks like the covered bridge near where I live. And I don’t remember it having fangs and red eyes, which are obviously drawn for the cover.

Includes ideas for games like Mark the Mutant, Connect the Craters, Radioactive Tag, and Body Count. Has a History Mystery Quiz and Paper Doll Nuclear Wardrobe. Also includes tips for a fallout shelter library and pharmacy. Yes, this is the book for your kids to do while their whole world is incinerated by a nuclear apocalypse.

This is mad King Ludwig II’s fairytale Neuschwanstein Castle in Southwest Bavaria, Germany. There is absolutely nothing Chinese about this very European structure. So putting a cover on a book about Chinatown absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.

And here is the guy on the computer with his shirt ripped who can’t watch. But from how I see it, it seems way lamer than The Hunger Games.

Now if it wasn’t for the title, I would’ve saw it as a book on how to get a job. Seriously, it just looks so generic, it could be about anything. At least a pierogie picture would’ve made sense.

“Say hello, to my lady Sweet Lorraine, you motherfuckers.” Black redneck cowboy firing his pistol at space zombies. Now I’ve seen everything.

Man, didn’t these people know that beavers are actually vegetarians, not man eating monsters. Still, other than its size, the giant beavers don’t seem that scary at all. I mean what’s the worst they could do? Build a dam?

Now I don’t know what’s creepier about the cover: the naked man with the strategically placed award sticker or the guy on the floating platform with the top hat and cane.

Han Solo may always shoot first. But it appears that Chewie might be out for blood by the expression his face and how he’s holding his gun.

From the description, it’s said the phallic thing is actually called a “worm way” which is a subway in this book’s bizarre universe. Also, seems one the humans is wearing a tin hat to keep safe from the aliens.

Seems like nothing says romance than having to marry a sexy doctor in a shotgun wedding after he knocked you up after a one night stand. Of course, it’s a fantasy.

Art must’ve been inspired by Dali, Magritte, or brown acid. Seems like the Galactic Federation has some explaining to do.

Okay, seems like these two may be on a deserted island. But I don’t see how this nude rape scene has anything to do with being stranded on a deserted island that doesn’t seem to have any women around.

Sorry, all you raging hormonal adolescent boys out there, but this isn’t a book about a courageous nude saving a bunch of bodacious babes from Martian cities.

Then again, Frankenstein’s Monster on this cover seems to have an emo thing going on. Maybe he should stop worrying about trying to win Victor’s love and join a hair metal band.

Then again, children do poop so there’s no excuse not to write a children’s book about it. Of course, we all know that the animals see no need of indoor plumbing and flush toilets.

Now I know that Orcas are among the Oceans’ top predators, they’re also seen as adorable animals which makes this cover hard to take seriously.

Now I’m sure the naked gladiator is totally shitting himself right as he sees the large mysterious flying object in the sky that resembles no bird he’s ever seen.

I’m sure Mr. Werewolf and Ms. Vampire wouldn’t act so polite while at tea. Also, I wonder why the vampire lady is dressed like she has a second job at the ye Olde Transylvania strip club.

Of course, I’m not sure why an orangutan and a seal are in the picture either. Still, seems like this guy is listening to his CD while giving the animals directions. Hardly a situation in humans in chattel.

Guess the only gay action in this book involves rich guys randomly hooking up with each other after a boozy fest at their frats. I’m sure 1869 would have no shortage of that. Then again, the title is still pretty funny.

Of course, when this title referred to “boners” I’m sure they didn’t mean “erections” but I’m sure no adolescent school boy wouldn’t want to have one during class.

Still, I don’t know why anyone would jerk off to a naked old guy wielding an ax on the water. I don’t see how such an image can turn anyone on in any way.

However, if you chose to make a wooden dildo, remember that there’s a chance for splinters if you don’t varnish them. Seriously, I’d hate to see the stuff they make in this one.

Seriously, the positioning might suggest it’s a romance novel. Yet, the fact, that the leading man is a scary looking clown with his hand on the girl’s shoulder hints that he may be some sort of psycho killer to me.

I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “jizzle,” I don’t think about mythological monsters about to go at it or fight to the death. Hope it’s just fight to the death.

Seriously, how can somebody deny that they’re dead? Also, its entry on Amazon.com is kind of disturbing to read along the lines, “When people die by accident, in violence, or maybe they’re drunk, stoned, or angry, they get freeze-framed. Even if they die naturally but have no clue what to expect, they might not notice they’re dead. It’s frustrating to see and not be seen. It’s frustrating to not know what you’re supposed to do next. It’s especially frustrating to be in someone else’s body and think it’s your own. That’s if you’re dead. If you’re alive and that spirit has attached itself to you, well that’s a whole other set of frustrations.” Basically this is All of Me turned into a horror movie premise. Also, the photo is kind of creepy.

Of course, I read a summary of what its about on Amazon.com, this is about the Catholic Church’s involvement with extraterrestrial conspiracy theories. Also, let’s just say that this books provides as much accurate information about the Catholic Church as Dan Brown or the Left Behind series: None at all. Also, the ridiculous cover design with a UFO hovering over Saint Peter’s Basilica kind of gives the divine revelation that this book is full of shit.

I don’t know about you, but I certainly hope this isn’t a romance novel because it doesn’t remind me of burning embers as far as I’m concerned. Rather, I kind of feel a bit creeped out by such images of hairy middle aged men bathing with younger naked women. That’s just sick.

Seriously, how could anyone write a good story about a group of people who rejected advanced technology beyond the 17th century and have them in space? I absolutely don’t get it. And making them vampires, good Lord.

Seriously, what’s with the beer bottle on the cover? It’s a Christian book and yet it has a picture of something that sometimes leads to date rape and sin if you drink excessive amounts. Also, the beer bottle presented as if it’s from a beer commercial.

Wow, I didn’t believe cats could paint on walls for artistic expression. Oh, yeah, I forgot they don’t. The cat is probably just playing with the paints as any cat would do.

Let’s just say that Joe Salatin is terrible at choosing titles. I mean the statement “everything I want to do is illegal” can apply to almost anyone from serial rapists and murderers wanting to do their thing to the Koch brothers wanting to dump chemicals in the Mississippi. Also, who knows what that farmer is thinking about doing that’s illegal. Not to mention, it’s worth noting that Joe Salatin is a libertarian who blames the government for the food industrial complex we have today, which has no basis in fact. That, my friend goes to the food business and urbanization instead.

I’m sure a book is less about the advantages of castration and more about the disadvantages since it’s written by a guy. Much of the advantages basically pertain to not having to worry about paternity suits, paying child support, or appearing on the Maury Povich Show.

Well, according to the cover, Harpo is either the kid who was molested by his grandpa during a fishing trip or the grandpa doing the molesting. Either way, this image doesn’t seem to make Harpo’s situation seem good here. And yet, the frog is watching in earnest.

This title is rather disturbing but I hope the best thing Roger learned about women from his tractor is that women aren’t farm machinery that can plow your fields for you. Oh, and that they don’t run on petroleum either.

What the hell is O’Brien doing in a gimp suit? Also, the romance is only part of the novel which also included elements of a dystopian society as well as a third act that’s mostly filled with torture. Also, Winston isn’t supposed to be sexy.

Oh, it’s not about that. So why come up with this creepy misleading cover design at all? The designers could’ve made the guys normal size like they do in posters for movies revolving around love triangles practically every single time.

I’m sure a girl’s legs in black and white striped tights is either going to remind readers of novels for teenage girls or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz. Or maybe this book is trying to tell us that maybe Alice is the Wicked Witch of the West, which is really disturbing.

Never in my lifetime, have I seen depictions of pregnancy in children’s books look so creepy. I mean how could the the baby be receptive to its older sister’s screams from in utero? And why isn’t it situated in a fetal position?

I’m sure Buddhist monks seem to let it all hang out during meditation as depicted by the putrid smell illustration from the cover. Well, I guess everyone breaks wind from time to time even Buddhist monks but pop culture seems to neglect this. Then again, the Buddhist monk featured may just have had eaten too much tofu burritos at lunch.

Yes, horses are skittish creatures and their primary defense mechanism consists of running like hell. I’m sure bombproofing it isn’t going to be 100% effective. Seriously, this is why most modern militaries no longer have a cavalry.

Who the hell thought that this would make a good cover for a children’s book? I mean this girl on the cover seems more like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras than a regular spoiled rich brat. And shouldn’t there be a young boy or Willy Wonka on the cover instead? Seriously, why?

Let’s just say despite a trauma inducing cover design, I’m sure this book will discourage your kid from playing with matches. Of course, this book may not work for budding pyromaniacs whose parents may need to seek more extraordinary measures like psychiatric assistance.

Seriously, why should that girl even be on the cover? Anne of Green Gables wasn’t a girl in a joke about the farmer’s daughters. Also, she’s supposed to be a plucky redheaded girl not Daisy Duke’s cousin.

Now the atomic bomb blasts on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were horrible events in our history but why would anyone think it’s a good idea for a children’s book? Also, what’s with the topless woman on the cover and the blood spattering? This is disturbing.

This is a pretty terrible title and insensitive title for a book on baby care. Seriously, “Give Baldy Your Tit” seems what some guy would say at a stripper joint or something.

I mean those two things making out on the cover seem to have human heads and cornucopia bodies for some reason. Also, what’s with the “Sexy Food for Seniors” thing? I mean food isn’t supposed to be sexy nor or are senior citizens either.

I know the author probably intended to have the word “shag” contain any sexual connotations. Yet, thanks to Austin Powers in the 1990s, this title now is likened to bestiality.

Now I suppose the couple on the cover are very nice people despite that they own a couple of assault weapons and see nothing wrong with sitting with them for a photograph in front of their 3 year old kid. Just lovely! Hope that kid doesn’t grow up to shoot up a high school because I know exactly what guns he’ll use.

Actually despite the cover image, Cranford is really a 1853 novel about 2 unmarried sisters in England. Yeah, other than fire, none what’s featured in the cover is actually in the book because it takes place in the freaking 19th century.

Actually I think what that girl is wearing is a First Holy Communion dress not a bridal gown or at least I hope so. Still, I wonder why is she holding a baseball bat instead of a hockey stick I can’t be sure. And why are the boy’s shorts so short? This is a terrible cover design.

Seriously, I know that teaching kids about death is important. Still, it doesn’t help that they have to put a dead hummingbird on the cover. Of course, when it came to finding dead birds while I was a kid, my parents would usually say things like, “don’t touch” or “don’t go anywhere near it because it make you sick.”

Of course, only serial killers and teachers write in that kind of font featured on the cover. Also, knowing that O’Reilly is an asshole on Fox News, it would be best to keep him away from your kids and I’m sure his book is certainly full of shit. Besides, most kids aren’t interested in right wing political talk shows anyway, I hope.

Of course, this book is labeled “A Demonic Romantic Comedy.” Yet, I’m sure most guys in that situation would think it was a living Hell on Earth, especially if her dad was Satan. I mean she’s a red demon with horns and tail so the guy in the story should’ve known better.

Sure the lumberjack on the cover may be a hunky man who many women would find attractive. Yet, it seems that he also has a habit of beheading his lovers with an axe, which I think he’s going to do to this blonde woman soon. Seriously, this cover is messed up!

I don’t think Ben Franklin was a member of the Hellfire Club despite his reputation as a ladies man. But still, having him on a lightning bolt while seeing a bunch of wigged gentlemen engage in debauchery is actually quite funny to see.

Seriously, this idea pertaining to using woodland creatures for bathroom activities has to stop. Also, why does that kid moose have antlers already? I mean male moose calves don’t have them yet.

Still, you have to love the pictures depicting people on plates being presented as dinner. Sure it’s sick but it’s just so damn funny. I wonder if this book was written for laughs since we know that most cases of cannibalism usually pertain to desperate people in areas with very few edible things available like the Donner Party.

Still, whatever the rabbit may be doing to the chicken, I don’t think the chicken likes it one bit. Yet, then again, it may not be what it looks like I hope.

Not surprisingly, this cover illustration is kind of creepy as if the girl and her family seem to want to kill you on site if you anger them. Yeah, I’m sure the girl’s parents are perfectly harmless people (no way in hell). Also, this idea was conceived when the two authors couldn’t find any pro-gun children’s books. Well, no shit, Sherlock, because guns are dangerous things and open carry is a lifestyle that should never be promoted in a kids’ book. I mean there’s nothing responsible and safe about open carry and all it’s going to do is to make people afraid of you.

I wonder if this cover design either pertains to the story or just consists of a bunch of stuff that the cover artist thought would look very cool. I mean, a cat about to devour a spaceship, that’s fucked up. And what the hell is a bald eagle doing here?

Now if Satan was a lesbian, he’d have to be a woman who likes chicks. This cover shows Satan as a guy who seems to delight in watching threesomes engaging in S&M stuff. For God’s sake he’s depicted with a mustache, goatee, and bare chest. If that doesn’t say that Satan isn’t a lesbian, I don’t know what is.

I’m sure handymen buying this edition would be greatly disappointed that this Henry James classic is a gothic horror story of messed up proportions. It has nothing to do with nuts, bolts, wrenches, or anything else found in a toolbox.

A Frankenstein cover with the Boris Karloff as the monster would’ve been a more appropriate cover design. Seriously, Frankenstein has been made into a movie several times already. Nobody thinks about warrior knights in regards to Frankenstein, nobody.

The cover designers could’ve easily used Jack Nicholson saying “Here’s Johnny!” for the book cover image. The creepy twin girls from the hotel is another good one. Having a blond woman in a warm weather backdrop on the cover is just very inexcusable.

Of course, if this book were written for polar bears, this could be titled On the Night You Were Conceived. Yet, I’m not sure if the polar bear dancing would break the ice quite literally. Also, there’s global warming to worry about.

Seriously, I thought that a sunny beach location would be one of the worst vacation destinations for vampires since they tend to disintegrate in the hot sun. I mean why would vampires would want to travel to such beach destinations anyway?

Seriously, as the cover depicts, the mummy in this book seems to have illuminating genitalia that he’s putting on display. Yet, one person doesn’t really seem impressed here.

Sure a dog may be a girl’s best friend but this image is kind of disturbing and sort of suggest that they may be more than friends. Of course, this is known as bestiality and animal abuse.

Of course, having a dog on a cover kind it makes me less likely to take this book seriously. I mean why do that? It just makes a book like this a joke.

Seriously, she may be a very attractive woman who won’t hesitate to shoot people. Yet, those ugly dungarees totally kill the mood. I mean they’re more suited for old men at the golf course than half-dressed pin ups with guns.

Seriously, this is a work of classic literature not a trashy novel. Not to mention, it takes place in the early 20th century when women weren’t wearing dresses like that or their hair flowing. I mean why would a cover designer do this?

I think this cover was designed by someone on a profound acid trip. I don’t think that none of these things on the cover have much to do with each other, let alone basic utilities.

Let me just say I wouldn’t trust any baby with this man. Seems like the kind of guy who’d kill the babies for a Satanic ritual in his basement. That or a kind of guy who does taxidermy and has his mother as a skeleton in a dress.

Still, we need to realize that body builders aren’t the most healthy individuals around physically or psychologically. In fact, they’re just the opposite. Sure they may have bulging muscles but these guys are absolutely obsessed with their appearance and take a lot of steroids. Also, this guy has a mullet which is a terrible 1980s hairstyle.

Seriously, you know how inappropriate the title is by today’s standards. Nowadays “fag” is basically short for a pejorative slur directed at gay men. Yet, these guys playing soccer in the title don’t seem to have a problem calling each other “fellow fags” for some reason.

According to one website’s interpretation, the doctor is: a. preparing to shoot the newborn at the ceiling like a rubberband b. preparing to make “newborn tea” c. deciding whether to keep it or throw it back d. looking way too long and hard at the baby’s genital region, or e. so handsome that nobody cares what he’s actually doing. I might want to suggest f. all of the above. Also, I hope those baby’s blue markings are pen marks by some person trying to deface it.

We don’t really associate the art of knitting with the lives of the cowboys but I’m sure everybody must have a hobby. This might especially be the case when you’re on your horse for 18 hours but I don’t see it.

Hmm, either this is science fiction/fantasy and/or insect on human erotica. Still, the naked red haired woman’s throws of physical ecstasy on the giant insect, suggests that this may be a rather disturbing relationship between them.

I know that the loss of a pet is perhaps one of the first sad moments a child will experience. Yet, this image of a dead cat on a rocket makes a child delightfully looking forward to his or her furry friend’s demise. Still, I can’t help but laugh.

Hmm..didn’t know that cannibals had their own form of brain food. Still, this is just too much.

Of course, the word “wank” is a British expression for male genitalia. And yet, this is a sci-fi book probably geared for boys, not a porno at least that’s what the cover tells me.

Sure, calling a vigilante hero “the Penetrator” may seem cool at first but understand that the word “penetrate” is a verb used in regards to sexual intercourse. Also, it doesn’t really help that he looks like a half-crazed Freddie Mercury either. Perhaps this may be a self-insertion fic for Anthony Weiner.