Vintage Food Ads in the Days of Yesteryear (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 14, 2017

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Along with alcohol, food is also among the many promoted items during the holiday season. After all, in the United States, Thanksgiving and Christmas are often marked with large feasts among families as well as parties among friends. And you can see this among the incessant holiday advertising on TV which seem to come earlier and earlier with each year. Then again, you find food ads everywhere these days since well, people have to eat in order to live. Yes, the food may not always be good for you or appealing. But hey, what do you know? Nevertheless, you find plenty of vintage food ads on the internet. Some of them might be artistic masterpieces like this Chat Noir above (which is a bistro restaurant in France). Some not so much for various reasons. Some might seem suggestive. Some might feature recipes not fit for human consumption. Some might contain rather misleading information. And some might consist of artwork that somehow pass as creepy. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of vintage food advertising for your unique tastes.

Kids who eat their veggies might want a Jolly Green Giant rag doll.

Not sure what’s freakier, the girl’s terrifying expression or the 4ft green doll. Let’s just say a kid can do without one of these.

2. Pesci Vivi sells delectable fish.

Though seeing a fish chef cooking fish is kind of unsettling. Look I know fish eat other fish, but still.

3. Children always delight in eating Fig Newtons.

“Thanks, Mom, that’s what I need after a long day at school and drowning puppies in the nearby lake. You’re the best.”

4. Big Otis wants kids to eat Kellogg’s OKs.

Sure he may be a big burly Scotsman. But I’m sure Kellogg’s pulled him as a cereal spokesman once kids asked what he wore under his kilt.

5. With Bisquick, you can make your family this elegant tuna ring.

Sorry, but this dish looks really disgusting. And no, I really don’t want to eat it.

6. Meet your own Frankie Doodle Dandy with Swift’s Premium Franks.

By the way, Frankie Doodle Dandy is what some men named Frank call their penis. Okay, I made that up. But I couldn’t pass that one up.

7. Always eat Possum Sweet Potatoes.

Hate to break it, but possums are disgusting creatures. Seeing a few run over by cars, you’d agree with me.

8. No kid could resist Brach’s toffee.

First of all, Brach’s candy is terrible. Second, I bet the girl’s taking some candy that she’ll spike with poison to give to her friends.

9. Husbands always love anything with Heinz Ketchup on it.

Because Heinz Ketchup makes anything appetizing. Even corned beef, poached eggs, and hash browns.

10. Turn vegetables into a treat with Cheez Whiz.

By the way, it’s probably not real cheese. And it will not do wonders to your veggies nutritional value either.

11. Fry’s Chocolate always tastes so good.

But regardless of expression, that kid terrifies me. And I don’t think chocolate will calm him either.

12. Make your breakfast kid friendly with Wheatabix.

Also fine for snacks and supper, too. Though I hope the girl is sprinkling a spoonful of sugar, instead of arsenic. Though looking at her face, I wouldn’t know. Boy’s kind of creepy, too.

13. Campbell’s beef soup makes a manly dish.

Hearty it may be, but it’s hardly good for your arteries due to a high sodium content. Because Campbell’s Mmmm…mmm…salt.

14. With Pillsbury’s flower, you can make yourself a wagon wheel pie.

Think of it as your mother’s chicken pot pie. But more disgusting and unhealthy.

15. Firestix always lasts 23 minutes and costs 10 cents.

Though she’s supposed to be a wholesome kid. But she always takes her Firestix before going on a killing spree.

16. Don’t want to cook dinner, ladies? Take the family to KFC.

Apparently, Colonel Sanders is incredibly sexist. Thus, he calls his coronary inducing cuisine, “wife-savers.”

17. With Carnation Evaporated Milk, you can make delectable dinners like this.

You have to wonder whether people actually eat stuff like this back in the day. Because that’s a dish that will make you lose your appetite.

18. Sure it may not be very nutritious, but Rastus wants you to try Cream of Wheat.

I can see the racism on this ad as clear as day, especially in the text. But at least you have to admire the guy’s honesty. People will buy anything that’s good to eat and cheap.

19. “Sugar can be the willpower you need to undereat.”

Uh, I wouldn’t say that. But I guarantee too much of it can give you Type 2 Diabetes. Seriously, you might not want to eat ice cream before lunch.

20. As an assistant vice president, it’s your job to make the pudding.

Apparently, Jello doesn’t think women can understand office hierarchies. Also, the sexism is very plain to see.

21. “You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s.”

Sure it may not be incredibly racist. But it’s still pretty bad on certain levels.

22. Always go for the Big Patch vegetables.

However, it seems that this kid’s family only works the farm. And his parents are paid wages so low they can’t afford to buy him a new pair of pants.

23. Ladies, buying canned food shouldn’t be shameful.

Still, canned foods aren’t very good for you since they’re preserved in a salty brine. But even that doesn’t detract the sexism in this ad.

24. With these canned foods, you can always diet with delight.

Not sure about that. But the girl in the can is really freaking me out. She seems like the stuff of nightmares for some reason.

25. Sugar Crips is post marked for happy eating.

Okay, the acrobatic bears might be weird. But I really have a bad feeling about that creepy girl looking at them. They better put on a good show or she’ll make sure they’ll never see the light of day again.

26. Hires’ Rootbeer is so good even the dogs will love it.

But that baby doesn’t seem too happy about that. Of course, hope Sparky enjoys his drink because that baby may have murder on the mind.

27. With Armour Treet, you can make these Johnny cake shortcakes.

I can see the heart attacks these shortcakes can cause. Also, they seem rather unappetizing to me.

28. Nothing keeps you warm like Cadbury’s Cocoa.

But once he’s done, he’ll get right back to torturing the neighbor’s cat. Because that’s what psycho kids do for fun.

29. As Art Linkletter noted, the Jolly Green Giant is a big man with the ladies.

Because women love a large green man who promotes vegetables wearing shoes and a short leaf dress. But at least he doesn’t have rage issues like the Incredible Hulk.

30. It’s always red magic time with Heinz Ketchup.

Oh, no, not the scary tomato guy! Please, take him away before he kills anyone!

31. You can’t have old-fashioned gingerbread without Brer Rabbit Molasses.

I’m sure they got the name Brer Rabbit for molasses from the tar baby story. Want to what happened to Brer Rabbit when he put his hands on one?

32. This Indian brave brings you Dippy Canoes.

Because cultural appropriation knows no bounds. Said to taste like Indian corn. Seriously, this guy’s a culture, not an advertising prop for God’s sake.

33. “Remember your first Baby Ruth?”

She may look excited to eat the candy. But mainly because she took it from the neighbor boy she previously threw down a well.

34. You can’t be beat with St. Louis corned beef.

Yet, having the cows with can bodies and walking upright is just freaky. Seriously, who the hell thought this was a good idea?

35. “Okay, pardner…reach for the Karo!”

For one, this half-naked baby cowboy is just lame. But he’s just as terrifying enough to induce nightmares.

36. Handle your hungry man with a can of Campbell’s soup.

Because nothing says manly eating like eating a soup with a high salt content. Campbells, mmmm….salt.

37. “Good things happen…when the lady of the house has soup for lunch.”

For if she doesn’t have her chicken noodle, she will chase you all over the neighborhood wielding a large cleaver. Because with Campbell’s it’s mmm…salt.

38. Trix is always made for kids.

“Mommy, after I eat my Trix, can I borrow your handgun to hunt down that silly rabbit? He’s been lurking in our yard for ages.”

39. Children will enjoy Stokley’s sugar peas.

For sugar peas always go well with the neighbor’s liver and onions. And I don’t mean the animal kind either.

40. Kids always want Log Cabin maple syrup.

Just watch theses kids look at the syrup on their waffles. Though they’d much prefer their breakfast to have blood of the innocents. But cannibalism is illegal.

41. With G. Washington’s Instant Coffee, even a man can make the perfect cup in 5 seconds.

As if men didn’t know how to make a cup of coffee in the 1950s. I’m sure they did and this ad is very sexist.

42. Treat your man right with Batchelor’s foods.

Yet, calling the guy a “guest husband” just wracks my head. Would a better word be “boyfriend?”

43. With Campell’s mushroom soup, you can make some tuna and waffles.

After all, when you’ve smoked pot all day, you’ll need something to satisfy the munchies. For God’s sake, waffles should only be for breakfast.

44. “Promise you’ll taste the nifty new Ritz!”

Because if you don’t, she’ll take you to her torture dungeon and hold you over a fiery it by your ankles. If you think I’m crazy, ask those who live to tell the tale.

45. Be vital and vigorous with Morrell E-Z Serve liver loaf.

Because nothing makes a family happy like liver. You know the kind of meat everyone ingests like foul tasting cold medicine.

46. Make it a festive party with Libby’s Juice Jamboree.

Though serving juice on a kid’s hat may not be good idea. Basically it’s an accident waiting to happen.

47. Kids dig Welch’s Cocoanut bar.

It’s basically a coconut chocolate bar which is disgusting. Still, if it keeps those kiddies from killing you, it might be worth buying.

48. Hire’s Rootbeer is the great health drink.

Yet, this little one will chase the cat with a knife once he’s done. So you might want to get Friskies in a safe place while you still can.

49. Men always love a raisin pudding pie.

Though he might have to be a sick psycho like this guy. Because raisins are turds made to resemble chocolate chips but aren’t.

50. If your husband yawns at the table, treat him to Heinz tomato soup.

Since when is yawning at the table a problem? Chances are the guy’s just tired after a long, stressful day at work. Not everything a guy does has to do with his wife’s actions.

51. California vegetables are always the aristocrats of the crop.

Because nothing says high class like a villain from a Dickens novel with a monocle and slasher smile. Seriously, I’m wondering if California vegetables used the face of Jack the Ripper in their ad campaigns.

52. You can’t make cakes without Dr. Price’s vanilla extract.

Though if you don’t give the maid her pay raise, she will spike this cake with rat poison. Just ask the last guy she worked for. Oh, wait you can’t.

53. With Might Dog, your pooch always receives the best.

Though Spot always takes his food seriously. Though he thinks wearing a chef’s hat and bib makes him look like a complete idiot.

54. “Are you woman enough to buy a man’s mustard?”

Now that’s a really stupid question. Seriously, why should that even matter? Mustard is mustard.

55. Pastificio S. Bonetti is oozing with prime pasta.

Look, I understand how Italians love their pasta. But I didn’t know they’d love it so much to be caught with it in a compromising position.

56. Kids will always enjoy Van Camp’s pork and beans.

Well, assuming your child is a budding psychokiller. I’m sure little Bobby will go back with setting the cat on fire after he’s done.

57. “Sugar keeps your energy up and your appetite down.”

Sorry, but sugar doesn’t help you lose weight. In fact, it might contribute to obesity, heart disease, and Type II diabetes.

58. Snag a man with Underwood deviled ham sandwiches.

Seriously? The sandwich case? Sorry, but a man can make his own damn sandwich. This is sexist on so many levels.

59. Whitman’s chocolates make a fine Mother’s Day gift.

From Relish: “This advertiser knew exactly how to distinguish Whitman’s chocolates: market the product as a gift your wife will give right back to you.” Bet the guy will get the ones the wife doesn’t like.

60. Get your kids to eat veggies with this Jolly Green Giant foot rug.

From Relish: “Are your kids eating their vegetables? If not, try giving them one of these fuzzy, green foot rugs to make them crave veggies! This unique attempt to make green beans and corn more fun is appreciated, but it is unlikely that a furry rug of a foot will make anything appetizing.”

61. “Nothing says party like a Sara Lee cake!”

From Relish: “Sara Lee knows what’s up—who needs friends when you have chocolate cake? Her face says it all: ‘I’m not going out because I have cake, and lots of it.’ Add sweatpants and Netflix and the party is complete.”

62. Go to the beach with your own Campbell’s can bag.

From Relish: “Nothing about hot Campbell’s soup makes us think about the beach, but that didn’t stop Campbell’s from turning their product into a portable beach bag.” Then again, the ocean is full of salt. And so is Campbell’s soup. Mmmm salt.

63. Velveeta is a full of health from milk.

From Relish: “Let’s get one thing straight—just because a product is made with a beneficial ingredient, does not make it healthy. Velveeta tries its best to be convincing here, but we’re not buying it.”

64. McDonald’s takes care of 55% of your daily protein needs.

However, that doesn’t means a McDonald’s meal is necessarily good for you. Because it isn’t.

65. Even babies enjoy Nestle’s condensed milk.

Because you don’t want to see this little one when she’s angry. Otherwise, she will make you pay with your life.

66. “Wouldn’t I be silly to make it myself?”

Well, considering that Campbell’s soups have high salt contents, then no. Still, I think the woman seems to have murder on the mind.

67. Someone wants another glass of Hires’ Rootbeer.

Don’t look now but I’m sure that baby might prefer to drink the blood of the innocents. But he’ll settle for rootbeer.

68. After the game, boys always relish in the joy of good eating with Van Camp’s pork and beans.

“I whacked the pitcher real good with my bat. He screamed like a little girl as I bludgeoned the living crap out of him. Never had so much fun in my life.”

69. Miss Sunbeam wants you to have some Sunbeam bread.

Because if you don’t, she’ll go into your house and murder you and your family. Sure she may look innocent. But she’s a murderous psychopath who will bring you a slow and painful death.

70. Always use Arm and Hammer baking soda on your delectable treats.

And yet, this one features a scary clown. Best to skip this frightening circus unless you’re into Stephen King. Because the clown could easily murder you.

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 10, 2017

Alcohol Ads of the 1900s (1)

Disclaimer: This post is not for those under the legal age of 21. Those over 21 please drink responsibly. Thank you. Okay I was just kidding with that one.

Whether you’re getting ready to celebrate the holidays, are trying to cope with the Trump administration, or have a beer with your friends during a big game, chances are you’re probably familiar with alcoholic drinks. Back in the day, our ancestors had somewhat different attitudes to booze depending on what kind of people they were. On one hand, you have temperance people who saw alcohol as terrible since it ruined families and the like. But on the other hand, you have people where alcohol is so integral to their culture that they see no problem with kids drinking beer. Or monks brewing beer in German monasteries like they did at Saint Vincent College. Anyway, it shouldn’t be any surprise why the major beer labels in America are German and from the Midwest. However, though Germans have a high value on beer, it’s not the only alcoholic beverage they drink since we also have German wines such Champagne and Zinfindel. Anyway, many of these vintage ads might echo rather antiquated ideas about our society nor have aged well at any stretch. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of booze ads from yesteryear.

For bowling night, you’d always strike with Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Sure it might seem like a harmless bowling scene. Until you see that everyone in this has blue ribbon appendages. Then it’s just creepy.

2. Budweiser always gives you good times.

Now here’s a rather racist ad. Sure the black guy’s is supposed to be depicted as an eager servant. But looking at his imposing face he appears quite menacing. So I wouldn’t drink any of that beer if I were you.

3. Flirt Vodka can be quite appealing.

Though looking at her bruised knees, I don’t think this ad conveys a good message. Let’s hope she just had a party mishap.

4. Have a merry cherry with Kijafa, a Danish cherry wine.

Yet, the word “cherry” has an R-rated connotation that I can’t really discuss. But notice how that woman has mistletoe in her hand.

5. “‘Sweet’ on whiskey sours? Make your next drink Green River.”

But how he has such humongous hands is another matter. Seriously, they’re like totally out of proportion to his body.

6. Without Schlitz, you can’t have beer.

However, looking at the clown’s eyes, I suggest you give him some Schlitz now. Otherwise, he’ll get angry and kidnap your children.

7. Schlitz: the preeminent beer for clowns.

Sure this clown might be happy now. But once the booze wears off, he won’t be funny in the moonlight.

8. Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka is in the spirit of the Czar.

Sure vodka is associated with Russia. But Wolfschmidt seems kind of Germanic to me. Then again, Catherine the Great was a German aristocrat and plenty of czars had German ancestry. So it oddly fits.

9. Schlitz, the beer of choice for American cowboys.

Yet, Schlitz is the beer for male bonding after a long day at the ranch. Still, the bottom scene seems kind of like Brokeback Mountain to me.

10. On the slopes, grab a cold Heiney.

Yet, I’m not sure about those Heineken snow suits. One of the women looks kind of embarrassed that people would see her and think she resembles a can.

11. Bacardi Rum is what they serve in Hell.

Still, if you see this guy behind the glasses, you might want to take a drink. For he already seems disappointed in you. Might not want to anger him even further.

12. Anisetta Evangelisti is the perfect liquor for dessert. Just ask this chimp.

However, despite that people think chimps are funny and loveable, they can be quite nasty. Also, why the hell would you want a chimp drink booze?

13. Even King Kong drinks Miller beer.

Though it wouldn’t help him climb the Empire State Building. Or avoid airplanes. Now that I think of it, how could King Kong even grab a beer? That makes no sense.

14. Bacardi is the rum of America’s favorite cocktails.

But would you want a drink with this guy? Sure he might be okay, but the pervy stache doesn’t help matters.

15. Everyone’s calling it on Early Times whiskey.

How old are these baseball players supposed to be? Because I find it hard to think they’re 21 or over.

16. Gordon’s Gin contains medicinal properties.

Actually, Gordon’s or not, gin is the worst thing for your liver. Let’s just say taking it as medicine isn’t the smartest idea.

17. For real morning after relief, drink a Pluto highball.

So this ad states, if you want to relieve a hangover, drink more booze in the morning. Because chances are you’re probably an alcoholic at this point.

18. The secret to a great holiday party is lots of mistletoe and Seagram’s Extra Dry.

So basically, you can’t have a great Christmas party without tons of boozy sex. Not what I’d call drinking responsibly.

19. Pabst beer prepares for the joys of motherhood.

Actually, if you’re pregnant, you better stay away from the booze, especially during the first trimester. Because it puts the developing baby at risk for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

20. With a Heineken, even your beer gives you a beer.

Well, this is hard to explain. Someone must’ve been under the influence to come up with this.

21. O-fl Extract Malt always builds people up.

Look, I know kids are cute and cuteness sells. But putting a child next to a bottle of booze isn’t appropriate. Seriously, there’s a reason why the drinking age is 21.

22. Ballantine beer is the preeminent drink for those in horse costumes.

It’s one thing to put a weird horse in your ad. But knowing this horse consists of two guys in a costume is rather disturbing. Seriously, just pick either humans or animals.

23. Nothing makes a riverside picnic like Schlitz beer.

I don’t think the guy trying Schlitz isn’t glowing about the beer in this one. Seems like there’s more going on here.

24. Want to please your man, ladies? Serve him Budweiser.

Because it’s said Budweiser delights more husbands than any beer ever known. Also, his Inner Man craves booze.

25. Dare to be different with Suntory Royal Whiskey.

Though whether it means you should do Kabuki theater, is another question entirely. Yes, it looks badass but it’s part of Japanese culture. Yet, couldn’t they just come up with some other image?

26. Anhauser-Busch’s Malt Nutrine is the preeminent beer for nursing mothers.

Yes, this was back when they considered beer as a health food. But today, these beer companies would never cater their product to nursing moms.

27. Even mounted goats enjoy the taste of Schaefer’s Bock beer.

Let’s just say Dr. Seuss was young and needed the money. But compared to some of his political cartoons, this isn’t too bad.

28. As a velveted whiskey, Imperial is so much fun!

Okay, we all know that polar bears and penguins don’t coexist. But unlike the Coca Cola ads, this provides of good illustration on what a polar bear and penguin co-existence would be like. And so far, it doesn’t look good for the penguin.

29. E.T. likes to remind you to not drink and drive. “Phone home” instead.

Yet, having E.T. work at the bar really ruins your childhood. I mean could you imagine him telling drunks to “phone home” if they had too many? Also, couldn’t Coors use the cast of Cheers instead? At least that show’s about a bar.

30. You can’t beat the mellow taste of Ten High whiskey.

Is it just me or is this woman unnaturally tan? The guy kind of looks rather unsettling, too.

31. A Four Roses Gimlet is 4 parts vodka and 1 part elegance.

However, this woman in here doesn’t seem like she’s really enjoying herself. In fact, she seems like she wants to go home while her significant other doesn’t.

32. Always drink Cossack Vodka for the office party.

I guess this woman is a bit tipsy since she notes how she didn’t recognize Mr. Smithers’ green eyes. Also, what the hell is she wearing? That doesn’t look like office wear to me.

33. “How about a little Schenley, Ruth?”

Ruth, get the hell out of there! The guy doesn’t just want a drink with you. The description here just makes me cringe.

34. “I’d ride a mile for a Smirnoff martini.”

Maybe, but what’s that got to do with a camel in the middle of the road? Besides, couldn’t just drive or ride a bus? Or walk?

35. The Smirnoff Mule is the drink that is.

But if I was that young woman, I’d be wary around Woody Allen. Because we all know he’s a real creep.

36. “He loves my mind. And he drinks Johnny Walker.”

Really? What makes him drinking Johnny Walker so important to you? Other than getting paid for just saying that?

37. Never go on a boat ride without Cinzano.

So is this diver rescuing this woman from a rowboat? Since she seems rather tied up. Then again, that might explain why the two guys are lying on the beach. Still, forget the booze. I want what the woman’s laundry detergent. Seriously, how does she keep her dress so clean?

38. Pernod is perfect for any pool party.

After all, Thing needs a vacation from the Addams Family once in awhile. So let him poor some booze on that woman if he wants to.

39. Champagne de la Jarretiere always brings people together.

Still, I wouldn’t want an old man grabbing at my garter. Sure he might have money, but still..

40. There’s nothing like Quina Marra.

However, I’m not sure why this woman’s having a drink with Mr. Pervo here. Unless she’s planning on getting him to pass out before she clears the premises.

41. You can’t go wrong with Rhum of the Incas.

First, Incas didn’t ride horses. Second, that looks more like a contestant from RuPaul’s Drag Race than anything from a Pre-Columbian culture in South America.

42. It’s always cheery with a Cherry Rocher Liqueur.

Though I’d wonder why this woman’s in a bird costume on a tree. Then again, nobody would be sober in her situation.

43. No man could resist the taste of Birra-Metzger-Torino.

You’d almost think this woman wants the guy she’s with die from liver cirrhosis. Cause from how he’s drinking, he’s most likely not driving the carriage that night.

44. Even great men like Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln approve of Johnny Walker.

From The Fix: “The hundred-foot visages of Roosevelt and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore—both of them paragons of virtue and wisdom—seem to be telekinetically talking to one another about a President whose face will soon be joining them. Whose face will be carved into the mountain is less important than the fact that they approve of the fact that he drinks Johnny Walker. The ad somehow manages to reduce the enormity of their legacy to something far smaller and silly. “

45. “Whatever you’ve got going…keep it going with J&B.”

Perhaps The Fix might explain this one better: “You can airbrush the 70s, but you can’t airbrush out the era’s creepy overtones. Half of this ad is dedicated to hands cupping what we have to assume is a mistress’s face. At first glance, it’s a fairly simple, innocent image. That’s before you start to peel back the crazy layers of control and illicitness going on. And J&B implores you to be part of every extramarital affair. No judgment. J&B doesn’t care what you do or who you do it with. It just wants to be there.”

46. Guys, always bring some White Horse Whiskey when going to a bachelorette pad.

Because nothing turns on boozy bachelorettes like “good guy” bringing White Horse Whiskey. Then again, perhaps flowers would be more appropriate? Or why not bring a couple of friends with you?

47. Enjoy the great taste of G.A. Jourde Bordeaux.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel this way when they drink. Though that doesn’t mean they’ll frolic around grapes.

48. Cordial Topaze is so great, this clown bought in bulk.

Because he’s every bit a creepy clown and an alcoholic. And he feels no shame about it.

49. Old French aristocrats always keep their Champagne stock in check in the middle of the night.

Then again, going down to your wine cellar at night might not be a good thing. Then again, he probably has a lot of parties going on.

50. This waitress always serves Braustube Hurlimann beer.

Looking at her, she knows that serving booze to customers gives her good tips. So the more drunk her customers are the better.

51. Squeeze all you can out of life with Seagram’s.

However, the man here’s worried he might eventually fade into a scene with scuba divers. So he’s not very pleased.

52. You need not be a slave to fashion with Smirnoff.

Though if you wear outfits like these, they might think you’re dressed for a Star Trek convention. Seriously, those have tacky 1960s all over them.

53. Smirnoff sour always has lemons and all that jazz.

Yet, why do they have black and white figures having a better time than the figures on the beach is beyond me. Kind of disturbs me for some reason.

54. Old Hickory Bourbon is simply magnificent.

So when the time is right, you can have a drink with your sweetheart before doing the nasty. From the woman’s eyes, and her pantyhose around his neck, you can guess where this is going.

55. Is it proper to boodle under the mistletoe or before guests arrive?

Guess it depends if you mean drinking Boodles Gin. Though it could just as easily mean sex. Either way, it depends on the party and I’ll leave it at that.

56. A Smirnoff Horse Shot is all you need at a ski lodge.

Still, they don’t just seem like cleaning skis to me. Might want to clear out before this goes any further.

57. A Bitter Pastore Milano is always a treat.

Guy kind of seems like he’s whispering something to the woman. Woman’s listening but would rather be somewhere else right now.

58. Drink a Smirnoff Hot Adam’s Apple while decorating for the holidays.

Though you’d pretty much have to be drunk to dress up that penguin. Then again, it might be a present they’re wrapping and not sure how.

59. Maker’s Mark always has a great body, compared to some guy’s girlfriend.

Talk about a blatantly sexist ad. Seriously, we shouldn’t be comparing women’s bodies to booze.

60. Enjoy the difference with Schlitz.

Though if I was on a date and a guy made that face while serving drinks, I’d get the hell out of there. A night with him could culminate into “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

61. Working hard in the garage? Pour some Budweiser.

Though I don’t think tools and booze make a good mix. Perhaps that might have to do with how alcohol inhibits mind body coordination. Or something else.

62. Carioca Rum makes every drink sing.

Yet, the guy on the bongos has a crazed look on his face suggesting he’s high. Hope he doesn’t go to close to the fire.

63. It’s always Scotch time with Johnny Walker.

But a guy dressed from the 1800s strutting in front of a bunch of guys in suit, that’s another question. Why they’re not fazed by it, I have no idea.

64. Wolfschmidt’s great for drinking while underwater.

As to why anyone would drink alcohol while scuba diving is beyond me. Seriously, I don’t even think that’s safe.

65. The green demon always goes for Maurin.

Yes, it’s a demonic character with a bottle of booze. And it will give you nightmares.

66. Smirnoff vodka always makes a great gift.

Yet, why have a woman covered in gift wrap just baffles me. Seriously why?

67. They’re always serving Paul Jones.

Okay, this is racist from the get-go and the white guys’ outfits don’t really help matters. Because though it might evoke a plantation setting, we all know who consisted of their labor force. And it’s why plantation weddings don’t have a great reputation.

68. You’ll always get the goats with Iron City Bock Beer.

Sure the goat might seem creepy as hell. So you really don’t want this one to but in while under the influence.

69. For pleasant moments, drink PM whiskey during the game.

After all, why should you worry about these leatherheads getting traumatic brain injuries? Seriously, you think today’s players have concussions? Also, you don’t drink whisky during a game. You drink beer.

70. Even Charles Dickens drank J&B Whiskey.

You know the guy who wrote A Christmas Carol and A Tale of Two Cities? Nevertheless, despite being a literary prowess, he’d desert his family for an 18 year old actress and was a dick to his wife.

I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 25, 2017

4.2.7

Once again, the 4th of July puts us in the patriotic kick of things. Unless the Trump administration put a damper on that, like it does with everything. Anyway, I did a post of old wartime propaganda posters for the 4th of July last year. And since I have plenty left over, I thought it would be a good idea to do another. Because I think we all long for the days when propaganda didn’t try to pass itself as news. Though to be fair many of these wartime posters function more like public service announcements with messages like conserve resources, do your part, don’t give out any military secrets, buy bonds, enlist, and what not. And yes, you’ll find plenty with racist caricatures, particularly on any of the WWII ones featuring the Japanese. Still, they tend to be rather interesting to look at and not such for the artwork. But many of them have become so ingrained in the popular imagination that they’ve been parodied in pop culture for years. Nevertheless, for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of more propaganda posters from the old wartime years. Enjoy.

Conserve water for the military industrial complex.

To be fair, this is for WWII when many nations were fighting for their survival. Still, the military industrial complex has gained a shadowy reputation since then.

2. This Christmas give your family the gift of war bonds.

Sure your kids may not enjoy them now. But wait until they’re about to go to college. Also, it’s your patriotic duty to do so.

3. Don’t get VD or else you’ll miss the boat.

Because our nation can’t afford soldiers with gonorrhea or chlamydia. So guys, keep it in your pants.

4. Angelic lady with harp wants you to enlist at your nearest recruiter station.

Because if you don’t enlist now, there’s a good chance they’ll draft you. A gem from World War I, by the way with George M. Cohan’s “Over There.”

5. One legged sailor wants you to do your part.

Because as you can see, he already did and got his leg blown off for it. And to him, it was worth it.

6. The YWCA wants you to support women workers.

Because women build planes and bombs so men can use them to blow up or shoot down other guys. By the way, average air time in a WWI aircraft was 20 minutes.

7. “When the sword is drawn, the Navy upholds it!”

So join the US Navy. Because spending long days warding off German U-Boats sure beats trenches and planes. Seriously, anything is better than the trenches.

8. Before you bang this woman, know that she might be an STD laden whore.

Yes, they seem to have a lot of wartime posters on STDs. But then again, contracting an STD is far worse than getting a cold.

9. Don’t be lazy or you’ll help the Nazis win.

Makes me wonder if they’re putting this guy down or sympathizing with him. I mean, the guy has a broken arm and can’t really do his job.

10. Even Mickey Mouse wants you to buy bonds.

Because Mickey loves America and wants to protect it from Nazis. Despite that Walt Disney was anti-Semitic.

11. Strike a blow for the Axis and give more wood for the army.

And we mean lumber this shirtless jacked guy chops down. Not the other kind since being gay in the military can give you a one way ticket to Levenworth, Kansas.

12. Civilians need food so plant more beans.

Because these people liberated from Axis occupation are absolutely starving. Mainly because of totalitarianism, systematic oppression, and the fact we bombed the shit out of their towns.

13. Buy war bonds to the moms and kids of fallen men.

Because a lot of employers simply won’t hire single moms during the 1940s. This is especially the case when she has two kids under the age of 5.

14. In a time of war, great Americans don’t take time off when their country needs them.

Though even during a time of war, can’t people just take time off for medical needs? Besides, everyone needs a break.

15. A woman loves a man who volunteered for submarine service.

Yet, serving in a submarine is absolutely no picnic at all. Still, at least they didn’t have women on there fortunately for her.

16. Defeat the Nazis and defend religious freedom.

Though I’d think it would be more to the point if it was a synagogue instead of a church. But church works fine.

17. The traffic light is right, stop waiting to beat Hitler and enlist.

However, they forgot to put a disclaimer: Must be 18 years or older. Though the traffic light is very effective.

18. Send your scrap to Uncle Sam so they can shoot down Nazi planes.

Still, I’m not sure a burning plane for a scrap metal poster is a good idea. But then again, this is WWII so it’s understandable.

19. Want to avoid VD? Try Prophylaxis.

Prophylaxis means prevention. And I guess the prophylaxis here is keeping it in your pants.

20. Whether in the fields, factories, or combat zones, we must attack at all fronts.

Yet, this doesn’t necessarily mean using a hoe or a blow torch as weapons. But they’re the home front.

21. Kids, help Uncle Sam win the war by buying war savings stamps with your change.

Since bonds are for grownups. And the US government isn’t above getting its hands on your monthly allowance to pay for a new machine gun.

22. Ladies, don’t worry about rations, can your food instead.

Yes, they encouraged people to can their food so they’d last for weeks. Then again, they didn’t have as reliable refrigeration then.

23. The Red Cross and Uncle Sam need you!

I don’t know about you, but Uncle Sam seems to be a bit creepy with that nurse. I have a bad feeling where this is leading.

24. Soldiers, when you sleep with a woman, you might pick up more than a girl.

And they think college hookup culture is bad these days. Yes, the World War II generation slept around, too.

25. This soldier wants you to save gas through carpooling.

Yes, carpooling saves gas. But the disadvantage of carpooling is that it’s not always feasible for co-workers living a neighborhood away from each other. Though this wasn’t much of a problem in the 1940s.

26. Before the war, men never thought a woman can do a blue collar job.

Yes, this is kind of sexist. But women did work in factories during both world wars. Not to mention, many female factory workers in WWI started out as girls.

27. Be wary and don’t fall for Axis propaganda.

Note they included religious bigotry on there but left out other faiths. Still, I’d worry more about Axis Sally than Tokyo Rose.

28. See a German U-Boat? Bomb it!

This is a navy recruitment poster. And here’s a guy carrying explosives. Hope he throws it at the Germans quick or he’s sunk.

29. Someone talked and this man’s ship got bombed.

Yes, scare them straight into shutting up while they make port in a foreign country. Still, you’d wonder if this guy ever learned to swim.

30. Uncle Sam wants you to shut up about military strategy.

Because you’ll never know when you meet a Nazi spy. So keep your trap shut.

31. The British Navy needs your bones for bombs.

They also need bones for all this other stuff, too. Though the aircraft one is puzzling to me.

32. Remember, loose talk during lunch can cost lives.

Nothing inspires paranoia like this one. Doesn’t help they’re drinking beer either. Oh, I see what they’re getting at.

33. Winston Churchill always holds the line to victory.

Here’s Churchill’s famous English bulldog portrait. And it doesn’t seem very flattering to me.

34. Careless talk will give you a German Iron Cross.

Or as this poster conveys, “make you a traitor.” Also not, the Nazi signet in full display.

35. Remember to eat healthy to be US strong.

Too bad a lot of people in our country do not nowadays. Still, you can see the point.

36. Talk less because you’ll never know if you meet a German spy.

Keep in mind that the Gestapo mainly dressed in civilian clothes in Nazi Germany. So this isn’t incredibly far fetched.

37. Fight for your country so you won’t have to lose your sacred rights.

Too bad they didn’t try to warn us during the 2016 election. Because our rights are now under attack from the Trump administration and the GOP as we speak. Have you seen the GOP healthcare plan and anti-protest laws?

38. VD can be cured, but antibiotics can’t relieve your regret.

So a sailor should be a good boy to keep it in his pants and his mouth shut. Because careless talk may mean death to your comrades.

39. Set to course to victory, join the US Coast guard.

Sure patrolling the nation’s borders may seem like a boring gig as you see these guys’ faces. But at least you most likely won’t die.

40. Defend America, don’t waste your food.

Because Americans need to be healthy to defeat the Nazis. So clean your plate at dinner.

41. Empty cans? Save them for ammunition.

Funny how the bullet chains are cans with tomatoes. As if they’re firing a machine guns with sauce bullets.

42. To avoid careless talk, don’t forget to tie your parrot’s beak shut.

Or any military camp could just ban pets. Much easier than tying something on a parrot’s mouth.

43. Soldiers, Uncle Sam wants you to take care of your gear.

For soldiers need to make sure everything’s working so their equipment can last. Doing that, the life they could save, could be their own.

44. Support oil for it powers planes and land vehicles.

Though today, you’d be more for clean energy like wind and solar. Okay, maybe we’re not that far yet, technology wise. But we’ll get there.

45. Join the Navy and man the guns!

I don’t know about you. But there’s something phallic about that missile and it doesn’t help that the guy doesn’t have shirt on. Just a thought.

46. Produce to the limit or else the 2 headed Axis hulk will storm New York City.

Because you don’t want this monster destroying the Statue of Liberty. Still, in movie world, cataclysmic events in New York are commonplace.

47. Use your ration stamps to stamp out black markets.

Funny how they have a black marketer in disgusting green. Yes, ration stamps get the job done.

48. Keep em’ fighting since production wins wars and prevent accidents.

Again with the bare chest and phallic looking missiles. And you wonder why sailors are more prone to gay stereotyping.

49. Every minute counts so avoid time off.

Instead of avoiding time off, it’d be better if it said, “avoid vacation time.” Because if someone needs a day off for illness, injury, or family, then they should have it.

50. Keep our cars rolling cause America can’t hitchhike to victory.

Still, hitchhiking isn’t a good idea even if that’s a way people got around at the time. And hitchhiking to victory, forget it.

51. “We’ve just begun to fight! Watch us put it across!”

I guess this is for recruitment as the eagle looks ahead. Guess this is from WWII.

52. The housewives brigade wants your scraps.

So give them all your junk so they can give to the war effort. Metal, paper, and bacon grease preferred.

53. Don’t read history, make it. Join the Navy.

But I think reading history is very important. This goes especially for the stuff that isn’t flattering like slavery.

54. Buy bonds to keep Germany and Japan from this mom and kid.

Yes, they have menacing hands that’ll go after your family. Just imagine the suffering.

55. Men who know always say no to prostitutes.

Because prostitutes are STD ridden whores who’ll infect them. Then again, this isn’t an entirely accurate description.

56. War bonds are the crop that never fails.

Though if I can grow money I would. But unfortunately money doesn’t grow on trees. Or from the ground.

57. Eat some of each from every food group every day. Other than that, eat whatever you want.

Nowadays, you’d have to eat a set of servings from each group. And it’s usually shaped within a plate or a pyramid.

58. In a time of war, it’s best you watch your weight.

So I guess they don’t want you to overeat either. Yes, it’s best you know your capacity.

59. Knock out VD. Prophylaxis prevents disease.

And yet, they have tanks shooting out saying, “soap,” “silver,” and “mercury.” Unfortunately, such treatment aren’t as good as penicillin.

60. July 4th is Uncle Sam’s birthday and the US is still going strong after 142 years.

And see Uncle Sam charge with his bayonet among the exploding bombs. Not necessarily a safe way to run through. But it’s WWI.

61. Simple Sam breaks a tool every day at work.

Here he is on a stool with a dunce cap. Yes, his antics in the factory waste time. But he really can’t help himself.

62. The Statue of Liberty wants you to buy a liberty bond or she perishes.

So while Uncle Sam urges men to serve, Lady Liberty urges everyone else to buy bonds. But she doesn’t look defenseless here.

63. Take the pledge that you’ll use ration points and not buy black market stuff.

Because it’s your patriotic duty to do so as an American consumer. So raise your hand and swear to it.

64. Let the guns do the talking for silence is security.

Because the guns can do quite a lot of damage. Kind of intimidating if you ask me.

65. Sure she might be hot but she could very well be a Nazi spy.

If you want to know, just ask her what she thinks about Jewish people. Okay, maybe that’s a bad indicator.

66. Always be be on the alert and join the Marines.

Here he has a gun pointed at planes during the night. I’m sure the planes don’t know what’s coming.

67. A rattlesnake is less dangerous than careless talk.

And rattlesnake bites are are real bitch. In fact, rattlesnakes can kill you. Just look at the fangs of this thing.

68. Think this Japanese beauty is hot? Avoid her.

Crazy how they managed to put a naked woman on here. Not often you see this on a WWII poster.

69. Sailor, beware of who you screw at port.

So don’t tell her anything about equipment, salings, or troop movements. She might be using her hotness to get you to talk.

70. Want to bring him back sooner? Get a war job.

Though the sooner you bring him back home, the sooner you’ll get a pink slip. So what it brings you is mixed.

71. “You give us the fire. We’ll give ’em hell!”

Here he is about to get in a fighter. Remember that bombers and pilots didn’t have a high survival rate in WWII. So he’s not likely to make it.

72. In Germany, someone is doing the same job as you, beat ’em.

Funny how they put it behind a large white swastika. Looks so evil.

73. The swastika marks the spot.

And it’s squarely on Hitler’s ass. And the planes are bombing it like crazy as he screams in pain.

74. Make every minute count for Pershing. Join the shipyard.

However, keep in mind that WWI era wasn’t known for good health and safety conditions. And that the guy isn’t in proper safety equipment.

75. Remember, housewives, save fats for explosives.

Because fats contain nitro glycerin. So whenever you contribute grease to the military, you’re killing Nazis.

76. Women, there’s a war to be won. So get on your feet now.

Because when there’s a war on, the US needs everyone they have. So ladies, it’s off to the munitions factories.

77. Canada needs soldiers like you in its army.

Instead of a noble knight on horseback, we have a soldier on a motorcycle. Don’t think popping a wheelie is a good idea.

78. Smack the Japanese and join the submarine service.

Here’s a guy holding a V for victory. Hope he knows that the Pacific front was particularly horrific.

79. A starving child’s life was saved because you went without luxury. So give us money.

What a way to pull at people’s heartstrings. Though recently, the American Red Cross’s reputation has suffered.

80. “Let’s go Canada!”

Apparently, Canada didn’t have its famous maple leaf flag yet. And this guy hardly looks like a badass.

81. Every time you take the day off, you help Hitler.

Seems like they’re big on getting people not to miss any day at work. Though everyone deserves a break now and then. Even in wartime.

82. Break the bottle neck traffic, carpool.

Yet, in this one, the car breaks the bottle. But you have to agree, carpooling is a good idea, whenever it’s feasible.

83. Tell where he’s going, he’ll never get there!

Because telling where he’s going helps the enemy. So don’t. Okay?

84. Remember, make a mistake, you help the enemy! Because there’s a war on.

Sorry, but we can’t afford secretaries making mistakes. Too bad she might not have adequate training which I’m quite sure about.

85. Don’t forget that this hideous Japanese guy is the enemy.

Really? Depicting Japanese guys as raping white women? That’s about as racist and horrendous as sending a bunch of Japanese Americans to internment camps out west.

86. Still need more rags for salvage.

And yet, this old guy leads an invisible homeless guy. Couldn’t see anything so cruel.

87. “Remember Pearl Harbor and purl further!”

Seems like this was designed by a knitting circle. Still, it’s kind of clever.

88. Hey, British POWs, want some fresh air? Join the Free Corps.

The British Free Corps was a Waffen SS unit during WWII consisting of British prisoners of war who were stationed at the Eastern Front to fight the Russians. Only 54 joined up and major figures were later court martialed as traitors.

89. Fight the Japanese menace surrounding Australia. Blockade!

Though to be fair, militaristic Japan wanted an empire. And Australia is quite close to Indonesia.

90. “Couldn’t have done it without you!”

As if this American sailor can’t help but show how many Japanese boats he’s sunk. So proud of his accomplishments.

91. Salvage your rubber cause these guys have more important places to go.

Though it seems like they’re going on a joy ride more than anything. But they need rubber for tires to get around places.

92. Talk too much and this soldier’s behind a barbed wire fence.

Of course, he’d probably be at some POW camp which is nothing like Hogan’s Heroes. But at least he can be happy he’s not from Russia.

93. Can’t fight in war? Plant a victory garden instead.

After all, if you can grow it, you don’t need to buy it. You can even give some of your produce to the troops, too.

94. Open your eyes, America, since fighting Nazis isn’t business as usual.

Nor is it with the Trump administration. Not sure how we’ll get through that with our federal government intact.

95. Be good this year and invest in defense.

Because if you’ve been bad and help Nazis, then you’ll probably get something worse than coal. Like a charge for treason. And Santa wouldn’t like that.

96. Keep your mouth shut and don’t rat out information.

Cause you never know when the Axis powers would use it against you. So be smart and don’t say anything about war stuff.

97. The YWCA wants you to back our girls over there.

Yes, women who served in WWI didn’t get the credit they deserved. This switchboard operator is one of them.

98. Even a fish would keep its mouth shut around Japanese bait.

Boy is their rendition of the Japanese racist. Still, even if the fish took the bait, it would die right there.

99. After Iwo Jima, it’s all of us together.

This is a depiction of the famous photo at Iwo Jima. Subject of two Clint Eastwood movies.

100. Wasting stuff helps Hitler.

And they had to do a paper version of Hitler with a weird looking mustache brush. Not flattering but he’s a horrible man anyway.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 8, 2017

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The beginning of this year hasn’t been good to me other than Netflix premiering A Series of Unfortunate Events and finally getting to see Rogue One of course. For the nation, we saw the end of a great presidency and the swearing of a president who I strongly believe has absolutely no conscience, has no reason to be trusted, and probably has no idea how to run the country. Oh, and his presidency has a chance to embolden white supremacists as well as inspired mass protests. On Sunday this week, the nation witnessed the Atlanta Falcons nearly winning the Super Bowl before unbelievably seizing defeat in the jaws of victory against the New England Cheetahs, excuse me, I mean Patriots. And to insult to injury, Deflategate Quarterback Tom Brady received another MVP trophy. Yes, it always sucks to see this wretched team win outside of New England of course. For me, personally, I lost my grandfather on the week of my 27th birthday which was sad and somewhat sudden but not unexpected since he was 89. Yet, his loss certainly leaves a big void in my family as well as my life. And that my birthday was on his viewing while his funeral was the next day. So perhaps it would be nice of me to perhaps put some fun blog posts in for once just to hold myself over until after Valentine’s Day. Though McDonald’s has already released their shamrock line already which I believe is premature. And I thought nothing would be better than another vintage ad post. Yes, I know these are crazy nostalgia busting ad pieces are things you can’t unsee. But please, we should understand that they belong to a time when many people consider America great that they voted a billionaire devil in ugly orange hair who brags about grabbing women by the pussy in order to make America great again. In truth, that time they nostalgize about really wasn’t that great as these ads show. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of questionable vintage advertising. Enjoy.

A Kiddie-Coop keeps your baby safe and sound.

For some reason, it reminds me of a cage you’d keep your pet rabbit in. Or is it a pet turtle?

2. Satisfy your sadistic urges with a Whizooka roach gun.

Warning: Might contain poisonous chemicals that might make your family ill or kill your pets. Might affect other wildlife populations as well. Please use responsibly.

3. Stevens: the choice of gun for any child soldier.

Okay, this kid doesn’t look like he’s on a duck hunt. His expression is more akin of Paul Baumer from All Quiet on the Western Front.

4. Give her a gift she’ll truly appreciate forever like her very own garbage disposal.

To be fair, it’s probably not the worst thing to give a woman on Valentine’s Day. But it’s not one that inspires true romance.

5. “Should I leave you on the doorstep, Mom?”

Because nobody shames mothers into using a product like introducing a freaky alternative reality. I think Johnson & Johnson hired real basket cases to do this ad.

6. Men, do you enjoy engaging in spousal abuse for kicks? The BPA Fun Center is the place for you.

Okay, I get that this ad doesn’t intend to promote domestic violence against women at any time. It’s supposed to be for a place like Dave & Busters. But the slogan is just so wrong.

7. Campbell’s Soup: the #1 soup for the budding child psychopath.

Because there’s nothing that your budding psychokiller won’t enjoy more than some very salty chicken noodle soup. Campbells Mmmmm….salt.

8. Dr. Pepper is always healthy and invigorating that you’d want to get naked at the beach.

So in the early 1900s it was perfectly okay to feature naked women in order to sell stuff. And they thought women wear to little in our advertising.

9. Keep yourselves healthy all winter long with a GE sunlamp.

The baby in the doctor’s outfit is quite freaky if you ask me. Also, I’m not sure if sun lamps are good for you anyway.

10. Thanks to Planetary Pencil Pointer, a woman can now sharpen her pencil.

Uh, sharpening pencils doesn’t require a lot of physical strength to begin with. Even if you don’t use a crank. Seriously, this is just sexist garbage. But at least it comes from a company whose name is quite fitting.

11. Thanks to DDT, this baby no longer has to worry about the pesky flies.

Unfortunately, you couldn’t say the same for the other baby creatures out there. Since DDT has led to thinning eggshells on multiple birds of prey who eat fly infested vermin. This has put a lot of animals on the Endangered Species List.

12. Doctors agree that Camel cigarettes are great for a child’s health and life expectancy.

Yes, the little girl thinks she’ll live to be a hundred when she starts smoking. But what’s more likely to happen is that she’ll probably end up with a slew of respiratory problems before dying of lung cancer before reaching 60.

13. Problems in your sex life? Well, look no further than in the self-help book Eugenics and Sex Harmony.

Not recommended for ethnic minorities, poor people, and the disabled. Who shouldn’t be having feeble minded kids anyway. Seriously, what else does eugenics mean?

14. Horton’s furniture says let him worry about Vietnam while you ladies think about getting a new sofa.

To be fair, women weren’t subjected to the draft in the late 1960s. However, this ad is incredibly sexist just the same for obvious reasons.

15. Finally, a scrapbook for the “Homely Woman,” only so they know how to pass as pretty.

Because, ladies, if you can’t be a delicate flower who can fit in a suffocating corset, then no man will want you. By the way, if it helps you, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t considered a great beauty in her day but managed to find a man anyway. Even if he was her 5th cousin who cheated on her.

16. Enhance your respiratory capabilities with a wonderful lung expander.

I don’t know about you, but it seems like this boy is taking in air through a vacuum resembling a flying saucer. Makes me scratch my head.

17. A Singer sewing machine is sewing made easy.

While Mom teaches little Susie how to use this thing, little Susie wants to know how she can use this machine to knock down little Timmy from across the street. Because she doesn’t see much use in sewing clothes.

18. Vigoro makes your lawn as good as it looks.

So go ahead let your toddler play outside with his diaper. Then again, from that boy’s look, I feel more for the cat.

19. Women, if your husband won’t have sex with you, you might be using the wrong vagina cleaner. So consider Zonite.

For some reason, I consider such ads about “feminine hygiene” that shames women for dirty private parts among the most sexist. These are clearly about shaming women for not keeping their vaginas clean enough. Good God.

20. Parker: making pens for women before Bic did. Because girls have smaller hands.

Ellen Degeneres did a whole comedy bit on this which was hilarious. Seriously, women have been using regular pens for years. The idea women need special pens for them is just stupid.

21. Champion’s Mustard: the perfect condiment for a midsummer’s night dream.

Are those supposed to be black? Because if they are, I have a bad feeling about this. Also, Bottom looks like he’s just wearing a donkey head.

22. Keep your kids from falling out of the car with a Dickson Rear automatic door lock.

Because this car surely didn’t come with a built-in child safety locks on the doors. Or seatbelts for that matter.

23. Incompatible really means “the wife has a dirty vagina problem.” So fix it withe Lysol.

So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that's a really super dumb way to fix your relationship.

So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that’s a really super dumb and dangerous way to fix your relationship. Marriage counseling would be safer.

24. Put your man at ease over causing the fender bender with a pie made from Jell-O pudding.

So Jell-O believes that women are bad drivers. What a bunch of sexist assholes.

25. Softness is what boys always find desirable in girls. So try Baby Soft.

Please let this girl be at least 18. Also, why the hell do they have an adult cosmetics like called Baby Soft? That’s just freaky.

26. Pratts Healing Ointment cures both man and beast.

However, going to bed with your horse, well, that’s not necessarily encouraged. Seriously, that’s kind of sick if you think about it.

27. Do it on the floor with the love rug.

“The Love Rug strokes your bodies as you make love.” So how can a rug do that. Also, is that David Hasselhoff?

28. Killed your husband and need to getaway fast? Broadway Deluxe Cab is at your service.

It’s the cab service you call when you need to get out before the police arrive and find your prints all over the gun. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this is an appropriate ad campaign in the least.

29. Wash your boy’s hair with Lucky Tiger Hair Tonic so he won’t lose it when he’s older.

Unfortunately, Lucky Tiger won’t prevent hair loss if baldness runs in your family. Because that’s determined by genetics, folks. But some will lose their hair earlier than others.

30. Keep your calls secret with a voice silencer.

Wonder how that works. I’m sure it won’t be effective if you’re on a party line.

31. Stop being bored by going on a trip to Disneyland.

After all, you probably need it as much as you need a hole in the head. Okay, that doesn’t send a very good message.

32. Thought your kid would be a different gender? Rexall’s got you covered.

So what if he was hoping for a boy and got a girl? I’m sure his daughter will appreciate the Panda bear teddy anyway. Also, kids are too young for all that sporting equipment anyway.

33. King Electric Furnaces are stacked for comfort so you can safely sit on one with your bare ass.

Well, I have to hand it for King in this case even though I usually don’t approve of naked women. But this one shows that you can sit on their furnace and not burn your ass off. What can be better than that.

34. Have your dogs get in shape while you drive with a “canine exerciser.”

As someone who’s watched Vacation, tying your dog to a car can constitute as animal cruelty and kill them. A canine exerciser is a great way to get your local Humane Society to hate you.

35. All these pretty women can’t find husbands because of one crucial problem.

I think I know where this is going. Let me guess, dirty vaginas? Seriously, why the obsession?

36. Nothing cures domestic squabbles like Arpege perfume.

From Tinsel Creation: “‘“Mommy, don’t cry… I’m sure Daddy’s giving you Arpège.’ Nothing sells a classic like the suggestion of domestic violence, apparently. Promise her anything…”

37. Sold digestive problems with Burdock’s Pills.

For some reason, this add suggests that your liver helps you shit. I’m not so sure whoever came up with this ad understands human anatomy.

38. Do you still beat your wife? Keep it up.

This is for a booklet titled, “Why You Should Beat Your Wife.” You read that right. This ad promotes domestic abuse, for God’s sake. What the hell?

39. Planning to kill your wife sometime soon? Get her an Albany Life insurance policy first.

The fact this ad features knives, pills, bleach, and a pillow makes it seem like this insurance company wants guys to kill their wives. Couldn’t they feature something less disturbing like funeral stuff?

40. Lavine soap gets things clean.

But please treat yourself to this naked kid about to strangle a swan with bare hands. Hey, that’s what it looks like to me.

41. Centaur Massage cologne is half-man, half-beast but all male.

It’s the kind of cologne an Ancient Greek man would want to be massaged with by a skimpy clad woman. Still, given a centaur’s body hair abundance, would anyone want to mate with one? Especially after what the centaurs might’ve done to Umbridge.

42. The hotter the day, the more you need Ethyl gasoline.

Note that Ethyl has become notorious for its tetraled gasoline which has contributed to a ton of deadly pollution in the atmosphere and posed significant health risks. The guy who invented this would later create CFCs that would cause a hole in the ozone layer.

43. Joy’s Cigarettes are great for your asthma.

In reality, they’ll only exacerbate your asthma and lead to other health problems that could kill you. And no, they’re not safe for children at all.

44. Remember, ladies, your bad breath will drive your man away.

I’m sure in plenty of relationships didn’t end because the woman had bad breath or used the wrong toothpaste. Also, what’s the spider web suppose to mean?

45. Need to stop for a few things? Keep your kids in the car while you visit a 7-Eleven.

Nowadays, keeping your kids in the car might get you arrested for child neglect during the summer. Because keeping your kids in a hot car is a major parenting no-no.

46. Now you can make your home gay with Gaytop table covers.

I’m sure this ad gets unintentional shits and giggles because “gay” has a different connotation these days. The smiling guy in the plaid shirt make this ad even funnier.

47. Zonite: the feminine hygiene product for whenever your ginie gets too dirty for lovemaking.

Whenever I see ads like this, I tend to wonder why were they so obsessed with women keeping clean vaginas. This is ridiculous.

48. A Sears Kenmore Stove is designed for wives but built for husbands.

So does this mean Kenmore thinks women belong in the kitchen? Because it sure seems like it.

49. “Are you sure I’d still be a virgin with Tampax?”

For the love of God, asking whether using Tampax hurts one’s virginity is like asking whether Harry Potter will lead kids to sorcery and devil worship. We both obviously know that such concepts are utterly ridiculous to even think about. Jesus Christ!

50. Save your marriage by changing to Lipton Tea.

No, I don’t think changing tea brands improves relationships. Except maybe during the American Revolution but otherwise not really.

51. Ladies, you can lose your man in a minute if you don’t wash your mouth with Listerine.

Look, if your man leaves you for having bad breath, then it’s more likely he’s the problem not you. And you’re probably better off without Mr. Shallowpants anyway.

52. Don’t let menstrual panic happen to you, use Modess sanitary napkins.

Sure women experience period leakage all the time and it’s embarrassing. However, this ad makes such worries severe enough for them to need a psychiatrist.

53. These days a girl doesn’t have to be pretty to be popular.

And I suppose you don’t have to be a good hospital to be popular. Seriously, why would a girl snorting cocaine be a good way for a hospital to advertise? Were they trying to say they have a good drug treatment center? Because this picture doesn’t make them look good at all.

54. Husband more frigid than usual but won’t say why? Maybe because it’s stinky down there.

Or that her husband’s head is literally frozen inside an ice cube. So I don’t think cleaning her privates will help her in this case.

55. For women who want a better figure, try Jantzen girdles.

Think of it as spanx in your grandmother’s time. Also, who the hell hangs up their laundry in their underwear? Not to mention, you can barely see it on her that her ass almost looks bare.

56. A woman should always make sure whether her panties are up to date.

So you mean a woman has to have the latest panties? Seriously, if her panties aren’t falling apart and fit her fine, then she doesn’t need new ones. Because what she wears underneath is nobody’s goddamned business.

57. Duraglas baby food shouldn’t leave a tiny bit to waste.

This baby’s like, “Please, don’t stick that into my mouth. Are you really not trying to poison me?”

58. Smoke all you want with Jolt cigarettes.

Because odds are, you won’t have much time in this world anyway. Since your chain-smoking habit will most likely cause you to die from lung cancer.

59. Do you inhale? Smoke Chesterfields.

Man, can’t believe this slogan was used to get people to buy cigarettes since it’s mostly used around pot smoking. Also, the woman doesn’t seem to have much on her.

60. Church toilet seats are always a stunning improvement.

“And it has easy handling so Ray won’t have to struggle putting it down after he pees.” Sorry, but I couldn’t resist.

61. Smoke Phillip Morris the throat tested cigarette.

I think my grandma recently talked about the creepy bellhop guy with the pack. And yes, he kind of belongs in a Stephen King novel.

62. Save money on women’s underwear during the JC Penny Father’s Day Sale.

It’s especially disturbing it has the line, “We have exactly what you need that will satisfy and bring a smile to your father’s face!” It’s almost as if this ad was tailor made for Ivanka Trump. Sorry, but that can’t be helped.

63. Iver Johnson Revolvers are the gun for the housewife left alone at night.

So a woman needs a gun to protect herself whenever someone knocks on the door. Sorry, but if you have to be armed to answer the door, you probably need to see a therapist.

64. Upset that all the thin girls get more attention, then reduce your ugly fat with Ry-Krisp.

What a way to fat shame a woman in public, jerkass? For God’s sake, she doesn’t look that bad and I’m sure some guys would find her attractive despite her weight.

65. Dr. Swift is an expert in health who’ll teach you how to improve your sex life with a fine gentle massage.

Pardon me for reading too into this but this ad comes off as promoting a 19th century sex talk. Because the guy obviously has his hands up a woman’s skirt. Okay, maybe it’s just a doctor exam.

66. Kids are always in the mood for toast and jam.

It’s just the kind of treat for the kid who just came home for torturing the cat. Or the neighbor kid who creepily peaks through your blinds.

67. Have your pooch travel in comfort with the “Bird-dog’s Palace.”

Because nothing shows you’re good with animals like attaching a cage to the side of your car. And having that cage sport barred windows.

68. Lighten the White Man’s Burden by using Pear’s Soap for cleanliness.

Because nothing brings the fresh smell of colonialism and culture superiority like Pear’s. Man, this is epically racist with nods to Imperialism.

69. The Gold Dust Twins are always the right brothers for cleaning.

But they’re the wrong brothers when it comes to promoting diversity and multiculturalism. Seriously, Gold Dust might want to retire their virulently racist mascots.

70. Keep your child safe in the car by tying them down to this safety harness.

Imagine what parents had to do to keep their kids safe in the car before they started requiring seatbelts. Probably won’t recommend it.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 25, 2016

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Now that Thanksgiving is finally over, it’s time for Black Friday to let the Christmas season finally commence. And I don’t think it would be more appropriate for me to start my cavalcade of Christmas posts than with some good old fashioned yuletide advertising. After all, chances are you’ve probably been bombarded with Black Friday special from retailers since after Halloween. Maybe even before that. Not only that, but several radio stations have already begun playing Christmas songs to so many people’s dismay who think it’s too freaking early. Now I’m fully aware that many people nostalgize over these old Christmas ads with their technicolor illustrations. However, I’ve done such posts twice before and the ads featured here surely aren’t those many tend to forget. In fact, many of them make you scratch your head, especially if it pertains to Santa doing stuff that put him squarely on the naughty list. And no, I don’t mean causing an Type II Diabetes epidemic every time he drinks a bottle of Coca Cola. So for your reading holiday pleasure, I give you some more vintage ads that might make your grandparents revisit parts of a time they’d rather forget.

With Textron menswear, you can sled ride on a log in your pajamas.

And he’s smoking a pipe as well as even has a guy pulling him with a string. Also, are those deer ladies in the background? Man, this ad seems to take inspiration from an acid trip.

2. Pause and refresh with the great taste of Coca Cola.

Now this would make a perfectly good ad. If it weren't for that little bottle cap sprite boy handling the reindeer. Seriously, he gives me the creeps.

Now this would make a perfectly good ad. If it weren’t for that little bottle cap sprite boy handling the reindeer. Seriously, I guess he has the reindeer trample bad children.

3. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from Interwoven socks.

Also, watch Santa beat the living shit out of Axis power leaders. Still, the Japanese depiction is the mot offensive of the 3. Yellow peril, really?

4. This year, Mrs. Santa Claus gets the greatest gift of all: a brand new refrigerator.

First of all, we know the guy dressed as Santa is her husband. Second, uh, fridges are appliances that should be for the whole family since everyone uses it. Not just the wife.

5. Why use a flying reindeer pulled sleigh when you can drive a 1950s muscle car?

Uh, Santa, I’m sure you really like that car. But seriously, falling into it from your sleigh really isn’t a good idea. The next place could be the ER. Or six feet under.

6. Lionel trains are always a great gift for young boys.

“Excellent. Soon I’ll use this train set to carry out my plan to take over the world. Let’s see if I can use it to run over my brother’s gerbils.”

7. Santa Claus Soap is always best for laundry.

Okay, the Santa isn’t that bad in this one, strangely enough. But if I were him, I’d watch out for that creepy child. She may have murder on the mind if St. Nick doesn’t give her the chainsaw and hockey mask she wanted.

8. As Santa says, Chesterfield cigarettes come wrapped and ready.

Yes, nothing says Merry Christmas like the wrapped and ready gift of lung cancer, emphysema, COPD, and a 1 out of 3 chance of an early death. But here you have Santa with a cigarette in his hand. Way to put yourself on the naughty list, Kris Kringle.

9. Boys, spend your Christmas money on this Red Ryder Carbine BB gun.

Warning: Contains a strong possibility that you’ll shoot your eye out, kids. Also doesn’t come with a gyroscope as you might’ve thought from Christmas Story.

10. Cameo stockings are always great Santa bait.

Yes, Santa loves to look at women who wear Cameo stockings from their windows. Of course, if he didn’t have that magic sleigh and a sack full of gifts, he’d probably be subject to hundreds of restraining orders by now.

11. Remember guys, ladies always love when you give them jewelry from Monet.

This guy's like, "I must've made a mistake. I only gave her some gold bracelets since she's a good friend of mine. Now she thinks we're more than that. Sure she's hot and I fantasize about sleeping with her. But I don't know if this is what I really want right now. I'm so confused."

This guy’s like, “I must’ve made a mistake. I only gave her some gold bracelets since she’s a good friend of mine and it was my turn to play Santa. Now she thinks we’re more than that. Sure she’s hot and I fantasize about sleeping with her. But I don’t know if this is what I really want right now. I’m so confused.”

12. Even Santa Claus himself wears a Botany Tie.

Sorry, but I don't think Santa should really go for business attire. If it weren't for the hat, he could easily be some grizzled old guy in accounting for all I know.

Sorry, but I don’t think Santa should really go for business attire. If it weren’t for the hat, he could easily be some mean grizzled old guy in accounting for all I know.

13. Don’t know what to give a man for Christmas? How about a pen?

Because nothing says “I didn’t know what to give you this year but I know you hat ties” like a fancy overpriced pen. I’m sure your man will enjoy it.

14. If you want to give your man something different, how about something among Avon’s all-men Christmas gifts?

Because nothing makes a manlier Christmas gift than a cologne decanter he can also use as a toy. The covered wagon one is particularly stupid.

15. Have your child dream of gingerbread men this Christmas with Royal baking powder.

I don’t know about you, but that kid better wake up soon. Or else, surrounding magic gingerbread men might subject him to very terrible things. That clown looks pretty shady, too.

16. Bob Hope tells you to hope for the best with Page & Shaw chocolates.

Sorry, but Bob Hope would’ve made a great Christmas movie horror villain in that Santa suit. Seriously, he’s already giving me nightmares.

17. For air-flight mileage on the road, give Fisk tires.

For one, Santa’s sleigh doesn’t need tires since it’s pulled by reindeer and magic. Second, is he in space? If so, how is he and his reindeer able to function? Oh, right magic.

18. For Christmas travel, you can always go on the Pennsylvania Railroad.

And here we have Santa creeping in on a girl in her sleeping car while the conductor seems to be fine with it. Okay, he probably understands. But it's kind of weird.

And here we have Santa creeping in on a girl in her sleeping car while the conductor seems to be totally fine with it. After all, Santa always sees you when you’re sleeping even on the train.

19. When seeing Santa at the mall, always remember to ask for the Plymouth your dad always wanted.

Because nothing says Christmas like parents using their children as pawns during a Santa visit. No, having your kid ask for a new car you want isn't being a good boy.

Because nothing says Christmas like parents using their children as pawns during a Santa visit. No, having your kid ask Santa for a new car you want isn’t being a good boy.

20. Don’t know what to give your woman for Christmas? How about a set of tupperware?

Because we all know that women can’t get enough of colorful plastic containers to store food in. This especially goes for containers you can’t put in the dishwasher.

21. Make your Christmas morning a Kodak moment.

From Cracked: “The photograph that woman is taking is about to be mailed to that girl’s mother with a ransom demand, possibly with a tiny severed finger included. That weeping girl has no idea where she is or who the monster behind that fine Kodak camera is. We suppose you could say that, in reality, this is just an ad about a mother photographing her little girl on Christmas morning, and this girl likes to open presents in bed (and the girl is apprehensive because she lives in an era when terror lurks around every corner). But Kodak actually had a whole series of these ads, and each and every one featured a woman photographing a young girl, in her bed, with a doll. Often against the girl’s will.”

22. What a wonderful Christmas to give a Borg scale!

Well, if anyone asked for it. Otherwise, a bathroom scale gift on Christmas is a way to say to a loved one that they really need to go to the gym or change their diet. Seriously, bathroom scales make horrible Christmas gifts.

23. GE cool brights are Christmas lights cool enough to touch.

Cracked: “OK, this kid is a little too on board with whatever is going on here. In 1970, GE wanted you to know that their lights were cool to the touch, and this little kid wanted to make sure that was the most awkward thing you learned about all day. Now, it’s not this kid’s fault that she got a haircut as bowl-shaped and lopsided as one of the Three Stooges, but the look on her face says that either there is something really freaky going on off-camera to the right or she’s possessed. You can decide which is creepier.”

24. For the guy in your life, you can always give him his own Iver Johnson automatic revolver.

Yes, ladies, give your men the gift that’s a gleaming instrument of death. Let’s hope the gun isn’t hanging on the tree by the goddamned trigger while it’s loaded.

25. From Harper’s Weekly 1865: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

From Cracked: “This 1865 ad is actually just Harper’s Weekly thanking its customers for their business. But studying it closely, we’ve developed a theory that the artist started drawing at the top and slowly went insane as he worked his way down. Because at a quick glance, this seems pretty standard issue old-timey Christmas, but our creep-ometer started going off when we saw Santa winking lustfully from the center, being all “Ladies … I mean … children.” But keep going down to the bottom and you’ll see that the town has gathered for the annual Christmas decapitations of their giant-headed residents, as is tradition, which has incorporated the usual Christmas tropes: swords, dwarfs, kung-fu fighting and exactly one clown. Also, the set appears to have caught fire, leaving no hope of escape for anyone in that crowded building.”

26. Christmas time is always Guinness time.

Misplaced wildlife aside, I think the Pelican might have a drinking problem. Just look how many bottles he has in its beak. That’s not a good sign.

27. A Morris car is always great for the whole family.

Don’t look now but these kids walked on their mommy kissing Santa Claus or their dad in a Santa suit. And yet, neither seem very fazed about it at all.

28. Give your child a special gift for Christmas like a puppy.

For the love of God, don't give your kids a puppy for Christmas since dog ownership is a 10-15 year commitment. Seriously, don't do it. This ad sets a very disturbing trend because a lot of Christmas puppies end up neglected.

For the love of God, don’t give your kids a puppy for Christmas since dog ownership is a 10-15 year emotional commitment. Seriously, don’t do it. This ad sets a very disturbing trend because a lot of Christmas puppies end up neglected.

29. Real Silk hosiery is a great gift for anyone on your list.

Okay, this might not go well with the kids either since this well-dressed man is sitting with a Santa suit. Yeah, that might require some uncomfortable explanation.

30. Even Santa Claus himself enjoys a good smoke now and then.

Of course, remember that enjoying a good smoke will get your lungs full of tar and possibly result in a slow and painful death from lung cancer. Seriously, tobacco kills people for God’s sake.

31. This Christmas give your family the gift that keeps on giving, life insurance.

Let’s just hope this father doesn’t intend to murder his family and cash in on the money. But I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

32. Make this a Browning Christmas with a brand new arsenal.

Great for NRA members and crazy nutjobs for their survivalist bunkers. What more could they ask for?

33. There’s nothing more a woman wants from Santa than a new fur coat.

Okay, Santa, buying expensive gifts for women is one thing. Tucking a sleeping woman in a fur coat? Well, that’s just goddamn creepy.

34. Take in the aroma of the holiday season on our December 10th Open House at Sandberg Funeral and Cremation Services.

Because there’s nothing that’s in the spirit of Christmas than dwelling on the notion of your loved one’s imminent mortality. Hope they have senior discounts because funerals are expensive.

35. Nothing makes a great Christmas treat than hot Dr. Pepper.

Uh, Frosty, you know you shouldn’t be around hot drinks for obvious reasons. Also, hot soft drinks are disgusting.

36. Give your lady the best she deserves for Christmas like a Hoover.

Oh, God, please don’t. Seriously, vacuums are noise machines used for cleaning. Women will not love it. If my boyfriend gave me one, I’d seriously flip out. Great Christmas gift, you say? Hell no!

37. Mackintosh’s Quality Street sweets are enough to even tempt Santa.

Then again, Santa is overweight and prefers baked goods so it’s not too much of a stretch. However, he should beware of Bo Peep and the giant toy soldier behind him.

38. Kids, how about give your dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas this year?

Let’s hope the kid on the right doesn’t accidentally light himself on fire with one of those near his ass. Because that would cause a major disaster.

39. This Christmas, introduce your wife to the joys of canning.

Uh, seriously? Unless she runs her own cottage business, I’m not sure if a bottling outfit is even necessary. I mean this is wrong on so many levels.

40. Men, need a last minute gift for the women in your life? Go with Pyrex.

Because nothing says "I didn't put any thought in your Christmas gift and put off my shopping till the last minute" like Pyrex tupperware. Yeah, Pyrex, what a way to promote yourself.

Because nothing says “I didn’t put any thought in your Christmas gift and put off my shopping till the last minute” like Pyrex. Yeah, Pyrex, what a way to promote yourself.

41. More Santas want Fruit of the Loom underwear for Christmas than any other brand.

Because we all know how men proudly hang out on Christmas in their undies isn’t very unusual at all. Still, this is pretty awkward.

42. Doubl-Glo icicles always deck the best dressed Christmas trees.

I don’t know about you. But I wouldn’t trust that Santa if I were you. He doesn’t seem like himself lately.

43. Ann Page foods are of Christmas quality.

Uh, Santa, we know you like food and all. But I suggest you might want to take it down a notch. You’re scaring the children.

44. Nothing makes a great Christmas eggnog like Bacardi.

Still, you may not want the eggnog making duties to fall on Santa’s elves. Because who knows what else is in their recipe.

45. Please, Santa, can you give Mommy a Hoover!

If she were my daughter, I would say, “You better not ask Santa for a Hoover, young lady!” Because I hate vacuums.

46. At Singer, you can always find the best gifts for your family.

Notice in this ad that the son has a Singer record player while the daughter has a toy sewing machine. Sexist? I’ll say. Besides, in those days, I’d rather have the record player or the typewriter.

47. Remember, guys, ladies always love a man who’d give them a new fur coat. Just ask Santa.

Santa, I don’t think Mrs. Claus will approve of you being between these two lovely women. Please, I don’t know how she puts up with you being such a perv.

48. Give year round pleasure this Christmas with ice buckets.

“Just think, in 50 years, our grandkids will use these to dump ice on themselves for ALS donations. You know that disease that killed Lou Gehrig? Is that cool or what?”

49. Santa says that nothing makes a more ideal Christmas gift than weapons.

Using Santa to sell guns and archery equipment, that’s just crazy. Then again, deer hunting season is usually over by this point anyway.

50. Murad cigarettes: The great Christmas present for grown-ups.

Yes, this smoking Santa ad has him encouraging kids to buy cigarettes for their parents. Because that’s what adults want. Let alone that tobacco kills 1 out of 3 of its users worldwide.

51. The results are in, everyone wants Mrs. Claus’s ironing table.

What Mrs. Claus needs is a desk to answer all those letters. Also, what good is having all those elves around if they won’t do the ironing for you?

52. What she’s dreaming for this Christmas is a White sewing machine.

From Buzzfeed: “I’m positive this is not the “white Christmas” she was dreaming about.” I kind of agree.

53. Santa’s future is still in the bag with Mutual Life Insurance.

I don’t know about you. But I don’t know why Santa would need life insurance exactly. I mean it’s widely said he goes on forever. This doesn’t make sense.

54. Have all your gifts initialed with Seagram’s V.O.

From Flashbak: “The 1965 Class of Alcoholics Anonymous. Perhaps, the choice of graduation gifts could’ve been more thought through.”

55. Ladies, give him the best with Max Factor aftershave.

I understand this is for family. But the fact a young girl has her lips pursed like she expects to be kissed is a pretty disturbing.

56. Which of these watches will bring you the best kisses this Christmas morning?

From Flashbak: “Which one’s the best? Hmmm. The “extra hug” and and “kiss for every jewel” (and she’ll call you “sir” watches are nice. But, I’ll have the “one [censored] coming right up” watch instead.”

57. Give the kids a Christmas they’ll never forget with Bell & Howell.

From Flashbak: “Kids – look away! There is a Santa Claus… despite how this irresponsible 1944 advert looks. Bell and Howell are dicks.”

58. This Christmas treat your car to some roller bearings.

From Flashbak: “1946 Ad Bower Roller Bearings advert…. strange that there would even be an advert for roller bearings in the first place. Even stranger it would feature girls in sexy Christmas costumes.”

59. This year make it a family Christmas with Weldon pajamas.

Because nothing says Christmas like wearing matching pink and red pajamas for the whole family. It’s amazing if Sonny won’t look back at this moment with embarrassment years later.

60. Who needs mistletoe when you have Johnny Walker Red?

Okay, this is a very troubling ad since it hints Christmas date rape. A present no young woman wants period.

61. A boy becomes a man on Christmas when he receives his first typewriter.

From Flashbak: “Yes, since Biblical days, the rite of manhood has been the sacred Gifting of the Typewriter. This advert is from 1976 – it wouldn’t be long before the typewriter would go the way of the abacus and daguerreotype.”

62. When Santa relaxes, he always has his elves tending to his every need.

So Santa gets to relax with the elves who do everything for him for who who knows what. Also, Santa usually drinks Coca Cola from the bottle. An elf shouldn’t pour a glass for him.

63. This Christmas Santa Claus has a sack filled with Chesterfield cigarettes.

Yes, nothing says Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Santa, you really want us to smoke? God almighty!

64. Santa Claus knows that Westinghouse fridges don’t freeze.

Yet, did he really have to have Inuit children help him? I mean he has elves and I know that’s not a great depiction of Native Americans.

65. Nothing makes Frosty feel at home than a basement freezer.

Looks like Frosty the Snowman is now sleeping with the fish sticks. Guess global warming has really got to him these days.

66. Rest your head this Christmas with a Koolfoam pillow.

From Bob Canada: “This poor family of wretches has apparently been without proper head support for a very long time. Dad’s positively in ecstasy as he paws at that new pillow. Little Suzie is even ignoring her brand new doll so that she can cop a feel off of that stuffed sack of Nirvana.”

67. A Schwinn bike makes a perfect Christmas gift for a kid.

From Retail Hell Underground: “Look at that kid’s eyes. He is absolutely planning to murder you with his shiny new Schwinn. It doesn’t matter that bikes are made of smooth metal and squishy rubber and luxurious pleather — he will find a way to butcher you with it, probably after practicing on no less than five neighborhood pets. And check out that drawn-out “O-OH-H.” Not only is he getting his first Schwinn, he’s also experiencing his first orgasm. The first ones are so easy, aren’t they? But soon you get jaded, and the only way you can get your rocks off is by watching a prostitute choke to death on a bicycle bell, her death rattle accompanied by plaintive ringing.”

68. Santa always knows that a boy wants his own Stevens rifle for Christmas.

From Retail Hell Underground: “We can’t emphasize enough that this 1906 ad is for real guns. Not cork guns or BB guns — actual, “hunt your own food and shoot a man down in cold blood” guns. And this one is being placed beside a sleeping child by a visibly conniving Santa, as if he’s preparing the kid for some Christmas morning Hunger Games in which only the sole survivor gets the stocking.”

69. When Santa sees you when you’re sleeping, he sometimes even films it.

From Retail Hell Underground: “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He also films you when you’re sleeping. Then he shows everybody in a seedy, poorly lit theater. We really wish we could see those people’s hands … Wait, no! We take that back.”

70. There’s nothing better on Christmas than getting drunk on Kinsey with a ghost.

From Retail Hell Underground: “Easily the best part of any Christmas gathering is when you sit down with your buddy for a nice toast with Kinsey Whiskey and fucking drunken ghosts show up to party. Also, does that guy have a framed photo of himself on the table? Your holiday parties may be painfully awkward, but at least they’re not whiskey-fueled ghost keggers with unrepentant narcissists.”

Talk to Your Doctor about These Vintage Pharmaceutical Ads

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 27, 2016

Disclaimer: The following article contains vintage medical advice that has been proven bunk by posterity as well as depict drugs that have since been seen as illegal or unavailable due to the damage they did or still do to people. Besides, it doesn’t help that a lot of these vintage ads are based on dubious medical claims thanks to the lack of oversight on medicine at the time. If you’re here for actual medical tips to solve your medical problems, this is not the site for you. Thank you.

Unless you live under a rock, you might notice that Pharma ads are everywhere whether you watch TV, go on the Internet, or open a magazine. After all, medicine is a stable of healthcare to treat various ailments whether they be through a doctor’s prescription or over the counter. You might see listings for various side effects that might scare you. But at least you have the FDA requiring drug companies to address them as well as go through a long testing process to see if the drug is safe and lives up to its claims. Still, remember that medicines aren’t miracle cures for what you’re suffering. And it’s been known in the world of pharmaceuticals that one person’s life saver can be another person’s poison. However, back in the good ol’ days, you didn’t have an agency like the FDA, clinical trials, or other stuff like that to see that the drugs on the market won’t kill you. Sure it might lead to a lot of drugs on the market that might help people, but more often than not, it created an ideal environment for your local snake oil salesman along with so many other substances marketed as pharmaceuticals under dubious medical claims. And many of these drugs led to all kinds of harm such as addiction and/or death. Not that drugs were less harmful once the US had the FDA back then. Because a lot of drugs that you might have sold over the counter in the early 1900s have become the illegal street drugs that have caused a menace to society, with the possible exception of marijuana. So for your reading pleasure, here I give you a treasury of vintage pharma ads from the not so good old days of medicine.

For dysepsia and blood, take some Quaker Bitters.

Why is that girl in a barrel? Seriously, that’s just crazy for God’s sake.

2. For upset stomach, take some 7 Up Lithiated Soda.

Yes, soft drinks were once used as medicines before they became regular beverage. And yes, the original 7 Up did contain lithium which is today used to treat manic depression.

3. To relieve all kinds of pain, you might want to try some St. Jacobs Oil.

According to the Center for Inquiry, it’s said to contain chloroform, turpentine, camphor, ether, alcohol, Carbolic acid, capsicum, and aconite. Aconite, by the way is a deadly poison from the Monk’s Hood flower that’s also known as Wolfsbane and Jacob’s Chariot.

4. Cigares de Joy are said to bring immediate relief for all kinds of respiratory problems.

In 1875, these were ‘very useful little agents for inhaling the smoke of stramonium.’ A common remedy for asthma, Datura stramonium is a hallucinogenic. Also, smoking is very bad for your lungs.

5. Got menstrual problems, try some Ergoapiol.

Sold in the early 1900s, this drug contains the ergot fungus and Apiol. One can reduce blood flow that gangrene sets in as well as cause hallucinations. The other can damage your liver and kidneys.

6. “Midol helps me forget my time of the month wherever I am.”

Except in the bathroom. Or when you have change your pad or tampon at regular intervals. Or when you find blood stains on your underwear. Seriously, this isn’t an accurate representation of a woman during her “time of the month.”

7. Whether it’s menstruation or men, always count on Midol.

If your guy is your No. 1 reason for Midol, ladies, you might want to reevaluate your relationship. Because Midol is mainly used for menstrual cramps.

8. For obese and cranky patients, give them Ambar.

For one, these people don’t seem “obese” in the modern sense of the term. More like overweight. Also, this ad really gets obesity wrong. Yes, stress and overeating may be factors. But so are genetics, not having time to exercise, and unhealthy food choices.

9. For relief from coughs, try Heroin-Hydrochloride from Bayer.

On second thought, don't or you'll get instantly addicted for a certain period of time before dying of an overdose. There's a reason why the US is suffering a terrible heroin problem of epidemic proportions. Thanks for fucking up everything, Bayer.

On second thought, don’t or you’ll get instantly addicted for a certain period of time before dying from an overdose if you don’t seek treatment. There’s a reason why the US is suffering a terrible heroin problem of epidemic proportions. Thanks for fucking up everything, Bayer.

10. Is housework making your life a prison, take some Serax.

Sorry, but I don’t think medication will solve this woman’s problem. Maybe having her husband pick up the slack would. Or hiring a maid.

11. Hamlin’s Wizard Oil will cure your rheumatism.

Contains 50-70% alcohol along with camphor, ammonia, chloroform, sassafras, cloves, and turpentine. In other words, it’s a quack medicine but it was quite popular.

12. Hall’s Wine brings the bloom of perfect health.

Tonic wines were also common at the time. This one was known to contain cocaine. However, initial criticism of this drug had nothing to do with the infamous white substance. Also, I don’t think that woman is smiling.

13. For hay fever and other woes, try Allen’s Cocaine tablets.

Side effects may include seriously disrupted eating and sleeping patterns, psychotic delusions and hallucinations, and severe depression upon withdrawal. Also addiction and death. So if you’re smart, walk it off.

14. Enjoy relief with the great taste of Coca Cola.

Yes, this was seen as a medicine, too. But initially contained cocaine in its early years. Not kidding on that one.

15. Dr. Hart’s Pain Conqueror relieves all pains.

I’m sure this is ineffective as medicine. But, man, those little gnomes in this ad are so creepy. Possible cocaine hallucination? Maybe.

16. With Midol, Sally’s gay.

I know what they’re trying to get at here. And no, ladies, Midol does not turn women into lesbians unlike how some might interpret it.

17. Tyrant in the house? Calm him down with Thorazine.

Thorozine: the drug for when your angry old folks get out of hand. Also posted another one similar to this last year, by the way.

18. For the ills of life, take some Peruna tonic.

So what if it’s a Prohibition era medicine that just happens to contain 18% alcohol? It was apparently popular at the time.

19. For women’s minor ills, take Dr. Caldwell’s Syrup Pepsin, the Family Laxative.

Because if a woman is cranky all day, she’s probably constipated. After all, women must be angry all the time due to irregular bowel movements. What a load of sexist bullshit.

20. For pain relief, take a dose of Methadone.

Methadone is an opioid that’s used to detoxify people from heroin addiction. However, while it may not be as bad, it’s said to contribute to 26% of opioid related deaths. So it can be a very harmful drug in its own right.

21. Depressed? Try Methadrine.

Contains methamphetamine. You know, the kind of drug that prematurely ages you and rots your teeth. Or what Walter White made in Breaking Bad. Yes, that drug.

22. For over stressed housewives, try some Meprospan 400.

It’s a tranquilizer. You know something we use to treat people with psychological problems. Not something for ordinary housewives.

23. For anxious kids, Nembutal is guaranteed to give relief.

From: Best Medical Degrees: “Although pentobarbital is an FDA-approved sedative and is used to treat seizures and insomnia, it would seem dangerous to utilize it to treat nervous children (by inserting it as a suppository). Not only can pentobarbital impede thinking and slow reactions, it can also be addictive, while overdoses may be fatal.” Also, that kid is as creepy as hell.

24. Brown’s Household Panacea is a great pain reliever.

Why the hell is that guy holding a stove? He can get himself burned that way.

Why the hell is that guy holding a burning stove? He can get himself burned that way, especially if he’s holding it with his bare hands.

25. Have stuffy noses, ladies, take Mentholatum.

Because being pleasing to men is more important than tending to your own stuffy nose. Hey, we may not like sniffly noses, but this ad is just inherently sexist.

26. Stay fit and slim with Amphetamine.

While Ampetamine is a controlled substance today, this ad promotes it as a weight loss drug which is very harmful. Also, diet pills are terrible for you as well and should never be taken.

27. Karswood Creosote is the greatest cure on earth.

What the fuck? Creosote is a substance people call sweeps to get rid of in their chimneys. It’s a toxic carcinogenic substance. Yet, here it’s being promoted as medicine?

28. Settle down the kids with some of Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup.

From Best Medical Degrees: “In 1849, Mrs. Charlotte N. Winslow launched her Soothing Syrup in Maine. The cocktail, which combined ingredients such as sodium carbonate and aqua ammonia, may have been relatively harmless – except for one point: it contained 65mg of morphine per fluid ounce. The syrup was advertised as providing relief for children who were teething, and one mother wrote to The New York Times claiming its effect on her son was “like magic; he soon went to sleep, and all pain and nervousness disappeared.” Unfortunately, children ran the risk of being put to sleep permanently as a result of morphine overdose.”

29. For every day stress, ladies, take Butisol.

The kind of happy pills that make you enjoy being tied up by your daughter playing Indian. Yeah, that’s kind of freaky.

30. Daughter being a brat? Give her Castoria.

Because if your kid is acting up, then it must be because she’s constipated. I think real moms in the 1950s knew better than that.

31. Aggressive elders? Loxapac should do the trick.

Great for helping old folks with cactus head according to this ad. Yes, he’s become a bit prickly lately.

32. For cold and flu, take some Coriforte.

This ad from South Africa may seem harmless enough. But one this drug’s ingredients is none other than methamphetamine. Yeah, probably something you should avoid.

33. To relieve coughs, try some Cosadein.

Contains codeine, marijuana, and chloroform. Talk about a real drug cocktail here.

34. Ambition Pills, the drug for weak and nervous men.

This 19th century supplement was promoted to build strength, ambition, as well as combat ailments. However, each box was later found to contain enough strychnine to kill an adult. Because strychnine is a known toxic pesticide.

35. Men, does your wife have “nerves,” give her Nervine.

Contains bromide which can lead to side effects like alteration in central nervous system functioning with headache, irritability, fatigue, slurred speech, ataxia, emotional instability, tremor and hallucinations. According to a report from 1997 no less.

36. Mebaral is great for the guy who overreacts to everything.

However, I want to know why they’d use an image of a guy about to jump off a building. Because that looks pretty scary. And I think that guy might need an undertaker at this point.

37. As Eli Lily said, Ampedroxyn is great for all kinds of problems like obesity, depression, and narcolepsy.

Uh, let’s not kid ourselves, Eli Lily has an ad promoting methamphetamine. You know, meth. It might help you lose weight and overcome problems with sleep and depression, but it will make you look ugly.

38. Have peace of mind with Serenace.

This is one from Japan. It depicts a naked woman rising out of the water inside a hand. I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean.

39. Calm the storm in your life with Rivotril.

So what's with the naked woman holding the umbrella in a storm? I don't get this at all.

So what’s with the naked girl holding the umbrella in a storm? I don’t get this at all.

40. Relieve your worries with Serenace.

This picture might do well as a work of Surrealist art. But in a Pharma ad, this is just plain weird.

41. Got rough seas ahead, take Deliton.

Unfortunately, Deliton can’t cure shell-head. But it can make you feel better with shell-head.

42. Sernace is great for coping with life’s biggest worries.

Like when you’re about to get picked up in the desert by a giant bird of prey for dinner. Yeah, it’s for problems like that.

43. Restore them to their senses with Thorazine.

But is having a duck tank in this ad really necessary? And there's a guy who fell in the the water. Poor thing.

But is having a dunk tank in this ad really necessary? And there’s a guy who fell in the the water. Poor thing.

44. Baby can’t sleep? How about some Laudanum?

Laudanum is opium by the way and it was used to treat various ailments from the late 1600s to the 19th century. Can cause addiction, constipation, respiratory distress, and pupil constriction. Yeah, screw Junior up for life.

45. Divorced? Depressed? You might have ADHD.

This ad really doesn’t show ADHD in a great light. Besides, there are a lot of divorced and depressed people who don’t have ADHD. But this is a drug ad so they don’t give a shit.

46. Feel like a battered parent? Miltown may be the answer.

It’s particularly effective when you’re having to care for giant children. As if normal sized children aren’t a handful to deal with already.

47. To be the person within, take Invega.

Is she getting out of her skin? Okay, that’s really disgusting. And freaky. Really freaky.

48. Stuck in the woods with the head of a jackass? Take Cipramil.

I don't think Shakespeare's Bottom showed any signs of anxiety when he was with Titania. If ever, he seemed to take everything in stride and he perfectly fine the next morning. Someone's got their Shakespeare screwed up.

I don’t think Shakespeare’s Bottom showed any signs of anxiety when he was with Titania. If ever, he seemed to take everything in stride and he was perfectly fine by the next morning. Someone’s got their Shakespeare screwed up.

49. For coughs, try Kimball’s White Pine and Tar Cough Syrup.

Contains chloroform, which according to Best Medical Degrees: “But despite the drug being hailed as a good substitute for ether, cases emerged of chloroform causing fatal cardiac or respiratory arrest. Multiple patients died after breathing it in, prompting doctors to revert back to using ether. In spite of this, however, chloroform was still used in mouthwashes and ointments. Eventually, in 1976, the Federal Drug Administration prohibited the use of chloroform for human consumption after the substance was found to cause cancer in lab animals.”

50. For morning sickness, take Morninide because his need for breakfast doesn’t suffice with your pregnancy.

This was a drug used to treat morning sickness which was later pulled by the FDA for causing low blood pressure and liver damage. But at least her husband got his breakfast (asshole).

51. Baby not feeling good, Mrs. Winslow’s should help.

That should knock the kiddie out for awhile. Perhaps permanently if you give the tyke too much.

52. For depression relief try Norodin.

Otherwise known by the more familiar term, “meth.” From Best Medical Degrees: “The advertisement above claimed that Norodin was “useful in dispelling the shadows of mild mental depression” and that it has “relatively few side effects.” Never mind the fact that it can result in various alarming physiological effects, including anorexia, tooth grinding, irregular heartbeat, insomnia, abnormal blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes. It is also extremely addictive and is one of the hardest dependencies to overcome.”

53. Wolcott’s Instant Pain Annihilator gives you instant relief.

I’m sure this is bound to have the same medicinal properties as snake oil. But the artwork advertising is pretty badass.

54. Daley’s Magical Pain Extractor can let you handle anything.

Because how else was Molly Pitcher able to man her husband’s cannon at the Battle of Monmouth? Because she had to be under a lot of stress at the time.

55. Quaaludes always give you a good night sleep and a sunny morning.

Quaaludes: the drugs that people got high on in The Wolf of Wall Street. Also used as Bill Cosby’s rape drug of choice during the 1970s. Oh, and it was said Elvis was on them, too.

56. Hear voices? Seroquel can help.

Because whenever you see talking mouths in the bushes, you might have a problem. Unless you’re not taking the brown acid already.

57. Clamps got you down? Urodonal may be the answer.

Because those clamps shouldn’t be weighing you down. Seems like this guy is being tortured for some reason.

58. Aspironal is better than whiskey for colds and flu.

You mean they were using whiskey for colds and flu? Said to contain 10% alcohol and suitable for children. According to this, that is.

59. Broncil is known as a safeguard for children’s health.

And thanks to Broncil, you can make your kid shovel snow in your driveway all you want. Even when your kid is complaining because the other children are having fun sledding and building snow forts.

60. Zeldox is a great drug to treat schizophrenia.

And if was available during Vincent Van Gogh’s time, then he wouldn’t have cut his ear off. Seriously, this is kind of messed up.

61. Risperdal Range always helps deter relapses.

And I’m not sure what mythological creature this is supposed to be. Seems like it’s half-human and half-dog from what I can tell by the legs. Yes, this is freaky.

62. For nervousness, try Dr. Carter’s Little Nerve Pills.

Caption: “Advertisement for Carter’s Little Nerve Pills depicting a very young child sitting on the ground looking up at a standing, talking frog.” Since when should anyone take such advice from a talking frog? That’s not right.

63. For pain relief, try Pantafon Opium that’s straight from the poppy.

You know how addictive opiates are and the problems they cause in our society? Give this drug a pass. Seriously, avoid it like the plague.

64. Thomas Edison always finds relief in Mariani wine.

By the way, Mariani wine contains cocaine. Edison endorsed it because it helped him stay awake longer to work on his inventions. Wonder why.

65. Papine Battle & Co. prepares the safest and most pleasant opium.

Sorry, guys, but that’s not really saying much given that opium is highly addictive. Then again, that might’ve helped their business.

66. Cannabis Americana has been recommended by clinicians everywhere.

You might know this as marijuana. Though I’m confident of its medicinal properties, I’m sure some patients would prefer smoking it instead of taking it from a bottle.

67. For new moms and babies, try Anhauser-Busch’s Malt Nutrine.

Because only in the Gilded Age could you sell such beer as a health tonic to nursing mothers. Yes, you got that right.

68. Thorazine always helps control agitation.

Because in domestic abuse situations, how else are you going to calm him if you can’t get him institutionalized or obtain a restraining order? Seriously, this could almost look like domestic abuse here.

69. For more pep try some cocaine pills.

Now this old man seems terrifying and bound to give anyone nightmares. Wouldn’t want to see this guy on cocaine at any rate.

70. Got a headache and emotional fatigue? Try Anacin.

Yes, housewives, take Anacin because they relief that’s acceptable for you is drugs. Never mind if the guy in the corner is your husband and the woman he’s with is not you.

I Want You to View These Vintage Wartime Propaganda Posters

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 24, 2016

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Now that we’re in the patriotic swing of things for the 4th of July, perhaps we should take a look at some wartime propaganda. Of course, last year I did a series on Declaration of Independence signers which wasn’t a huge hit among the blogosphere or Google Search. But this year, I think doing a post on wartime propaganda from the two World Wars from the early 20th century might bring some flag waving fervor. Or it just might be something that I could have a lot of fun with. After all, I’ve already done the American flag. Nevertheless, these propaganda posters not only served as iconic images from governments and other agencies to do their part for the effort, but also pointed out that as a nation at war, we’re all in this together. And if you’re not doing your part or making any sacrifices, you’re being an unpatriotic dimwit who should be ashamed of yourself. Still, it’s interesting to look at these posters and see what kind of messages and images there are at the time. You’ll find Uncle Sam and Rosie the Riveter. But you’ll also find stuff on encouraging conservation, not throwing stuff away, buying bonds, men keeping it in their pants, and even carpooling. Yes, carpooling. Not only that, but a lot of these propaganda posters have been parodied over the years, even after the conflicts that made their existence. So for your reading pleasure, I want you to see a treasure trove of some historical posters encouraging you to do your part for the cause.

Your friends are fighting, why aren’t you, man?

This is a recruitment poster from Canada encouraging young men to join the armed forces. And Canada certainly participated in both world wars. James Doohan was one of the most famous Canadian WWII veterans since he was Scotty from Star Trek.

2. Be a Merchant Marine and help deliver the goods.

The merchant marines are among the most underrated war heroes in both world wars since transporting supplies is crucial for any war effort. However, like you see in Mr. Roberts, they don’t see much action and it was very boring gig.

3. Ladies, Joan of Arc saved her country, you can save yours by buying stamps.

Except that Joan of Arc saved France by being the French Army’s mascot and providing divine inspiration. Lincoln’s comment of Ulysses S. Grant’s drinking would describe her perfectly for those who think she had schizophrenia.

4. “My M-1 does the talking!”

There are a lot of posters encouraging people to be careful what they say or write. Because they can unintentionally help the enemy. And you don’t want to do that.

5. Remember men, disease is disguised so don’t gamble with VD.

I know this is telling men to keep it in their pants. But given double standards and realistic consequences, I think this message is necessary. Because people really need to be careful on who they screw.

6. “He gives 100%. You can lend 10%.”

And it looks like he’s stepped on a mine and isn’t long for this world. If that’s not giving 100%, I don’t know what is.

7. Uncle Sam says, “Fill those empty seats!”

Because car sharing saves on gas that could be used to fuel our tanks in North Africa. And this is definitely from WWII, by the way.

8. Housewives, save waste fats for explosives.

Because bacon grease can be used as nitro glycerin. And I’m not kidding on this.

9. Remember men, self-control is self preservation.

Because screwing whores at the front leads you prone to contracting nasty STDs. So keep it in your pants, boys.

10. Survive the wartime winter with coal for warmth.

Because the war effort needs oil. But you can also order wood. Love the freezing penguin in this.

11. Can this Nazi save more grease than you?

There’s ammunition in this kitchen with bacon grease. And even the Nazis know that.

12. Maintain your gas mask.

Because you might need it during a gas attack. So don’t use it as a knapsack and pillow. Wonder what people doing with their gas masks for that poster to exist.

13. “Let’s catch him with his ‘panzers’ down!”

I think this is a clever one for WWII. Notice how Hitler has swastikas on his underwear.

14. Mr. Peanut goes to war.

Not even corporate advertising mascots were exempt from war service. Mr. Peanut from Planter’s ought to know. Weird to see him without his top hat and monocle.

15. Saving old metal and paper puts the lid on Hitler.

Salvage saves lives and so does recycling. So save as much as you can on paper and metal.

16. Buying bonds and saving money will beat the devil!

And the devil here is Adolf Hitler. Here he’s even red with horns and pointy ears.

17. Join the tanks and beat em’ rough!

Wonder why they have a screaming black cat here. Sure it looks evil but it was more stupid to be on a battlefield than malicious.

18. Civilians, if you don’t need it, don’t buy it.

Yeah, you really don’t need to buy a white elephant. Of course, it’s only in here as a figure of speech.

19. Uncle Sam says, “Protect your nation’s honor, enlist now!”

Enlist now because your nation has just been raped, metaphorically. Of course, I think this might be from WWI though.

20. This dog’s owner died because someone wouldn’t shut up.

Yes, go with the gold star dog treatment. Because dogs are seen as loyal friends to their master and are quite adorable.

21. “Tell nobody-not even her!”

Because you’ll never know where you’ll find a Nazi spy. This is especially if she talks in a German accent.

22. Dressing extravagantly is unpatriotic.

Because in wartime, everyone should make sacrifices. So dressing to the nines isn’t just bad form, it’s unpatriotic. Get it?

23. This man’s life is in your hands.

If I were him, I’d be more worried about throwing it too late than it being a dud. Those things can blow your freaking hand off.

24. Remember, the Nazis burned books that Americans can still read.

Because unlike Americans, the Nazis don’t believe in a free press. This is why they staged book burnings. Yes, they hate American freedom.

25. No sailor has to prove he’s a man on shore leave.

Because giving in to 1940s masculinity pressures might get you an STD. And there’s no medicine for regret.

26. Drivers, drive a truck for Uncle Sam.

I could tell this is from WWI because of the car design. And the artwork is a little bit crude, too.

27. The kitchen is the key to victory, eat less bread.

Because our men need carbs, dammit. So eat more garden veggies instead.

28. Remember, our men are ready to fight at any time.

However, looking at this you have to wonder how these soldiers got any sleep. Oh, wait, some of these guys didn’t sleep for days.

29. This woman is wanted for murder.

Because she didn’t know when to shut the hell up. This cost lives overseas. Yeah, watch your mouth, ladies.

30. Uncle Sam wants you to stop stealing tools!

Because combat crews need them to repair stuff with. At least this poster makes a lot of sense.

31. This, soldier, is what is known as a booby trap.

Because she’s loaded with boobs and STDS. Don’t have sex with her. Seriously, keep it in your pants.

32. Help China! Because China is helping us.

Well, they should be helping us. But the Nationalist and Communist factions don’t like each other at all. So it’s not uncommon for these Chinese factions in some areas to fight each other or side with Japan.

33. Don’t let the Nazi swastika touch them!

So buy bonds and keep our kiddies safe from the Nazis. This is especially if you and/or your kids are Jewish.

34. Careless talk took her daddy!

So be careful of what you say. You may not know when you’re talking to an enemy spy in your neighborhood.

35. Losing an arm at Pearl Harbor shouldn’t keep you away from patriotic duties.

After all, just because he can’t be a soldier no more doesn’t mean he can’t help. Because you don’t need two arms to hold a blow torch.

36. Keep your mouth shut and don’t be a sucker!

Because a fish that opens its mouth is a sucker, hook, line, and sinker. Still, you have to like the artwork on this.

37. For defense, give blood since it’s life.

However, this offer's not available for blacks since their blood isn't fit for white GIs, especially from the segregated South. I know it's based on dubious claims based on racism, but that's what people believed in those days.

However, this offer’s not available for blacks since their blood isn’t fit for white GIs’ veins in transfusions. I know that concept based on pseudoscientific claims as well as stupid flagrant racism, but that’s what white Americans believed in the 1940s.

38. On April 19, 1917, Wake Up America Day.

I guess this date was picked specifically as the anniversary of the American Revolution. Also the girl is wearing a cocked hat and carrying a lantern.

39. Plant your own garden for victory.

Both world wars encouraged people to plant their own vegetable gardens for food. This is from WWI.

40. It’s a women’s war so join the WAVES!

This woman’s face says, “This is not what I signed up for. Really hope this ship on my radio doesn’t get bombed. Don’t want to hear a bunch of screaming sailors going down to their deaths.”

41. Soldiers, know the risks of syphilis and gonorrhea.

To be fair, regardless of what this ad says, there’s a strong chance that many of these guys didn’t have a lot of sex education. And yes, STDs do kill. But yeah, it’s not really nice to women.

42. “If you talk too much, this man may die.”

Another poster that says, “loose lips, sink ships.” Besides, he seems like a handsome sailor in that submarine.

43. Destroy this mad brute of a Hun, enlist.

The funny part about this poster that it’s from WWI as you can see by the Kaiser helmet. Still, you have to ask yourself whether this image inspired King Kong.

44. While commuting to work, try to squeeze for one more.

Yet, I’m not sure how many people this car can take. Since it seems full to the brim already.

45. Remember, war bonds are always cheaper than wooden crosses.

Or military funerals for that matter. And yes, the US military did a lot of them during both world wars.

46. Like digging a foxhole, conserving’s for your own protection.

Because conservation helps save resources for the war effort. Plus, it’s good for the environment in an age where one of the biggest threats is climate change.

47. Wake up, America, civilization calls every man, woman, and child.

And here’s the lady personifying America fast asleep. Another WWI poster.

48. Along with gardening, wartime housewives should also take to canning.

This is a famous picture I’ve might’ve seen somewhere. Nevertheless, the girl looks a bit freaky to me.

49. Remember, every time you miss work for no reason, you stab the Statue of Liberty in the back.

Because time must not be wasted. Still, bound to make you guilty of missing work during WWII.

50. Always practice good eating habits in fox holes.

Because it might make your ass a huge target for enemy gunfire. So eat wisely.

51. This soldier needs smokes more than anything else.

What he really needs is to quit smoking. But don’t bet on that because only the doctors in his day see it’ll kill him if the war doesn’t.

52. See action now and join the submarine service.

They do a bunch of cool stuff like shooting down U-boats. However, I don’t see a sinking ship on fire as a glorious sight worthy of a recruitment poster.

53. Remember, the enemy is watching you.

I’ve seen this one parodied a few times. Those eyes are so menacing which is kind of the point.

54. Help military pilots by building and fixing the planes right.

He can’t fix any plane problems in the air. Nor could he shoot down Nazis either. So don’t screw up his chances of survival. Not that they’re great anyway.

55. Remember, men, beautiful blondes aren’t always so dumb.

This one tells soldiers to be careful that you’re not discussing battle plans around pretty civilian women. Because she could be a Nazi spy and you don’t want anyone to needlessly die.

56. Donate your books for soldiers to pass the time.

Because soldiers in the trenches can be really starved for entertainment. And they can’t really abandon their stations there either.

57. More firepower, over here!

“But please, bomb them not me. We don’t need any friendly firepower here.” Note that friendly fire happens in wars 10% of the time.

58. Gremlins like to throw stuff in your eyes, so wear safety goggles.

Gremlins or no gremlins, wear safety goggles. Because when you’re working with munitions, you’re working with a lot of harmful chemicals. Duh.

59. Every girl is pulling for victory!

Yes, these ladies are pulling for victory with their united war work while the men are languishing in the trenches. Surely anyone with a right mind needs to believe that they should have the vote by now.

60. In wartime, have you ever considered a staycation?

After all, it saves gas and you’d probably not want to go to Europe anyway. Or Asia. Or North Africa. Or anywhere in the Pacific.

61. Even sports figures like Joe Louis enlist to do their part.

A lot of male celebrities fought in WWII like Jimmy Stewart, Clark Gable, Tyrone Power, David Niven, Henry Fonda, and others. One major celebrity who didn’t fight in WWII but could: John Wayne.

62. For war nerves, stop needless noise.

Yes, war is scary. But it helps to keep calm in the face of danger even when you’re shitting your pants. Same goes when you come in contact with a bear.

63. Whose boy will die if we should fail?

That’s a harrowing propaganda poster. But when in war, a lot of soldiers die. Such is life.

64. Be patriotic and save the food.

Yes, people save food because soldiers need it. Because America is begging you.

65. GIs will take care of Japan, this is how you can save money.

This poster gives you some good ideas to save money at a time of rising prices on the Home Front. Also great tips for money saving in general. At least most of them.

66. This is a Russian soldier. He is your friend.

Well, only until the war ends and the Soviet Union is engaged in an arms race with the US over nuclear weapons. So don’t expect the friendship to last. Also, he doesn’t really fight for freedom because Stalinist Russia isn’t a freedom loving place. Not to mention the genocide and purges.

67. Do with less so they’ll have enough!

That’s another famous WWII poster, too. And the GI just sits drinking his coffee.

68. Remember, take precautions during an air raid.

Sure you’re going to be scared shitless during one. But this doesn’t mean you have to go crazy. In fact, on the contrary.

69. Liberty on the phone, war effort needs cash now!

Not sure how she’s able to talk with that ridiculous crown on her head. But she’ll manage.

70. For action, enlist in the air service.

Just remember that you’ll have insufficient time to train and that a pilot’s in flight lifespan is 20 minutes. As I’ve learned from Blackadder.

71. Join the Navy, the service for fighting men.

And that guy has to spread his legs on a torpedo. In a Dr. Strangelove bomb pose, no less.

And that guy has to spread his legs on a torpedo. As for fighting men, it doesn’t apply to everyone. Mr. Roberts points that out brilliantly.

72. We’ll win the war, you give us the stuff.

Guy seems quite proud of himself holding up a Japanese Rising Sun flag. He’ll probably hang it as a souvenir in his office someday.

73. Join the Veterinary War Corps and treat horses.

Sure the guys may learn something useful. However, WWI kind of helped us all realize that the cavalry had no future in 20th century warfare.

74. If I was a man, I’d join the Navy.

Seems like they’re really pressuring guys to join the Navy with fanservice and an appeal of masculinity. From WWI by the way.

75. Here’s life in the US Navy and what it offers.

A sailor’s life at sea is great until either a U-Boat bombs it or seasickness. Also, I’m not sure if monkeys are allowed on board. Sure beats the trenches though.

76. Guys, enlist so you won’t have to disappoint your kids.

Of course, if men didn't list during WWI, there's a chance they could be drafted. Still, this is another famous poster.

Of course, if men didn’t list during WWI, there’s a chance they could be drafted. Also, didn’t seem to factor in PTSD either. Still, this is another famous poster.

77. Don’t take a chance with prostitutes, guys, these dames are loaded.

So, soldiers, keep it in your pants and don’t take your chances. Yet, as we know from human nature, such statements aren’t 100% effective.

78. Join the submarine service and learn to operate something like this.

Wonder why they chose to use a shirtless sailor with a male gaze. Seems a bit suspect, considering that women weren’t allowed on subs for a very long time.

79. Rosie the Riveter says: “We can do it!”

Of course, I couldn’t forget to add her. Such an icon for female empowerment during WWII to get women working in factories.

80. Even Santa Claus has gone to war.

And he’s holding an automatic weapon, too. Not sure if that makes him good or bad though.

81. Prevent trench foot, clean and dry your feet, soldiers!

I’m sure this was endemic during WWI since troops spend long spans of time in the trenches. Yet, where would they be able to clean them?

82. In the Pacific, we’re all in this together.

Everyone should know this is the Iwo Jima pose from the photo. Now it’s an American iconic image from WWII.

83. Ladies, take up the jobs he left behind.

Just note, that after the war, you’ll be forced to give that job back if it’s still available. After that, you’ll need to settle into being a wife and mother in suburbia. Because housewives are what women were expected to be in peacetime (sarcasm).

84. Uncle Sam wants you to buy war bonds.

Here Uncle Sam comes from the sky in blazing glory. He also carries an American flag, too.

85. Even a dog can enlist, why not you?

Man, they really tried to put men on guilt trips during WWI. Yet, here’s scruffy in his Red Cross glory. One dog in that war was even made a sergeant (no joke).

86. Housewives, preserve perishable food with cans and jars.

Her she is holding her tin cans. Let’s hope she didn’t forget to label them because that would be a problem.

87. In war, knowledge wins.

So learn something by going to your public library. Because the Internet ain’t available yet.

88. Even office workers do their part with their typewriters.

Is that supposed to be Miss USA? Then again, I don’t pay attention to those beauty pageants anyway.

89. Remember, absence makes the war last longer.

So don’t sleep in and stay on the job. Yes, it’s not easy doing work all day. But you want victory, dammit.

90. Just because she looks clean doesn’t mean she is.

Another anti-STD ad to scare men into keeping it in their pants. As if they didn’t have film noir to do it for them already.

91. Tragically, all these soldiers now have syphilis.

Some of them will soon give their wives and sweethearts a very big surprise. And, no, they won’t like it. STDs: The gift that keeps on giving whether you’d like it or not.

92. Learn while you serve: join the US Coast Guard.

Because it’s the least exciting military branch there is which is great for chickenshits. You just have to watch for enemy ships all day.

93. Don’t be a job hopper, it’s bad for the war effort.

Like how the job hopper is depicted as an insect with a hat and lunch box. So funny.

94. Save your cans and help pass the ammunition.

Like how the bullet chain turns into cans. However, this is about recycling and donating scrap metal.

95. Buy bonds so your kid won’t grow up a Nazi.

Now this is a poster that’ll make any parent scared. Yeah, you don’t want your kids growing up Nazi.

96. Ladies, join the Armed forces and help win the war.

Yes, women served in the military during WWII, too. And yes, they did all kinds of things there.

97. Don’t wait for them to come home, be with them by being a WAC.

Because it’s a women’s war, too. Also, don’t forget to put on lipstick before venturing out of the battlefield.

98. Remember, when you ride alone, you let the Nazis win.

So carpool whenever you can. You don’t want an invisible Hitler in the passenger seat. You really don’t.

99. Yes, it can happen here.

Yes, keep em’ firing so it doesn’t happen here. However, if you live in Britain, it already has since they dealt with the Blitz.

100. Sow the seeds for victory, plant a war garden.

Doesn’t hurt if there’s a rainbow shining on it either. Such an uplifting image during a time of war.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 10, 2016

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Advertising is all around us that’s it’s almost impossible to avoid it. And I’m sure many of you saw some dumb ads while watching the Super Bowl, too. Nevertheless, I tend to do a lot of posts on vintage ads. But I haven’t done one on vintage ads in general for a very long time, possibly since last May. Yet, I’ve done ads pertaining to holidays, underwear, food, alcoholic beverages, and celebrity endorsements. Still, as we’ve seen before, advertising has been with us for a very long time as you see here. This is an ad for Coca Cola from the turn of the century in the United States. You can tell because of the woman’s outfit. It’s a rather well made ad as you can tell from the attention to detail. However, while I can show you ads like this all I want, you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll focus on vintage ads that haven’t aged well, are inappropriate, or are unintentionally funny. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another installment of vintage ads from the days of old.

To encourage more quality time with dad, we bring you the Daddy Saddle.

Guaranteed to give children loads of fun as well as fathers loads of back pain and humiliation. Also known as the daddle.

2. Ladies, when at a party, it always pays to be uh, sociable.

Sure it helps to be sociable. But we should also helps if you just put some freaking clothes on, lady. Seriously, exposing yourself at a party like that is just asking for trouble.

3. And remember, kids, don’t forget to look both ways because bike boners kill.

Sure I understand this is a PSA from the Boy Scouts of America on traffic safety. And I understand that “boner” means mistake in this context. However, when most people think of boners, they think of something a little different.

4. At Dow Chemical, this little guy is a “scientist” in his own right.

Not sure what they did to this lab mouse. But whatever it is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he experiences delusions of grandeur with dreams of world domination.

5. “How come I enjoy smoking and you don’t?”

Hey, man, you might enjoy smoking now. But when you end up with respiratory problems, cancer, and heart disease, you won’t. Seriously, I’m glad I’m not you.

6. For the latest in lawn mower technology, get Gay Blade.

When I hear the word, “gay blade,” I don’t think about anything to do with landscaping. Rather many people my age tend to think of offensive gay stereotypes. But to each his own.

7. “You dirty boy, why don’t you wash yourself with Vinolia Soap?”

Okay, this is just flagrantly racist on so many levels. I mean it’s implying that this black kid is dirty on account of his skin color. How more offensive can you get?

8. Be a living doll and give him a pick of Dr. Grabow’s pipes.

Because Dr. Grabow’s pipes all the rage these days in Stepford. You know, the place where all the women are living dolls for their husbands since they’re basically fembots replacing the real housewives who were murdered for not being perfect enough. Okay, I think I might’ve spoiled the plot.

9. With Antron III, slips are truly anti-cling. Permanently.

Maybe, but that I’m not sure if slips can protect you from being struck by lightning. Because I think that woman is really putting herself in a very unsafe situation.

10. “Even rain can’t hide that microsheen shine.”

And I’m sure rain can’t hide the fact that she’s wearing practically nothing under her see through rain coat either. Makes you wonder whether she’s on her way to a nudist colony.

11. To prevent sunburns, ladies, you can’t go wrong with this sun helmet.

Hmm…a helmet with a glass shield to protect against sunburn. Still, you wonder why they didn’t come up with a whole hazmat suit to go with it in the process.

12. Tired of Paulie shitting all over the house? Well, it’s time you solved that problem with parakeet diapers.

Yes, I’m sure putting a diaper on your parakeet will keep it from shitting on your furniture. Comes with a leash for walking. Still, not sure if Paulie would like being strapped into something like this.

13. Want to take your dog on the road but don’t like it in the car? This sack and running board has got you covered.

Well, as far as canine safety is concerned, it’s probably better than tying it to the car (like in Vacation). But I think this pet get up seems to make the dog-on-roof method seem rather humane.

14. Remember, don’t go without a Norelco portable tape recorder.

Sure this guy might seem to be flirting with a stewardess on the plane. But I’m sure he’s going to regret getting that tape recorder when she sues him for sexual harassment.

15. With Cricketer, anything you do out in a suit, you can do in a suit.

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you should risk doing somersaults in a suit. This is especially if he has his hands placed in a spot that’s a little too convenient to suspect.

16. Remember, children always enjoy a big glass of Florida Orange Juice.

Actually, I think these little demon moppets are more interested in drinking the blood of the woman who’s serving them orange juice. Seriously, these kids look utterly terrifying to behold and may be evil incarnate.

17. Carter’s Trigs are always great for the whole family.

Yes, I know this is supposed to be a father and son lounging around. Still, looking at the man’s face, I have a bad feeling on where this situation might be headed to.

18. Even O. J. Simpson can testify that Jogger roller skates are the best thing in outdoor recreation.

Not sure about Jogger roller skates as a product during the 1970s. However, if this ad appeared in a magazine during the mid 1990s, I’m sure it would miserably flop. Seriously, we all know that if O. J. needs to make a getaway, he uses a white Bronco.

19. Tired of burning dinner? Well, it’s time you use a pack of Asbestos Baking Sheets.

Sure they might make eating your food put you at an increased risk of mesothelioma, asbestosis, and other nasty infections that could kill you. But at least you’d no longer burn your food.

20. Anti Nervous Dyseptic Tobacco gives you a clean lasting chew and a cool, sweet smoke.

I don’t think there’s a tobacco that does either. Still, that is just one creepy baby who seems to possess some kind of infantile evil on its mind.

21. Want to feel like a man? Join the Army.

Because there’s nothing more manly than traveling to far away places, meeting new people, and launching some nuclear missiles on unsuspecting civilians. Oh, wait a minute, that’s just insane!

22. University Row’s Chart Stripes will help you put a tiger in a cage.

Not sure about what people think of putting women in cages. However, I think this ad just seems to show the kind of sexism that I simply won’t stand for.

23. Clear your driveway this winter with your very own mail order flame gun.

Man, why spend so much time shoveling when you can clear your driveway with a flame thrower. Oh, wait, because it might set your house on fire if you try to clear your wooden porch with this thing.

24. With Drano, you can clear your drains and improve your marriage.

Yeah, I’m sure Drano might help clear your drain. But it’s strongly corrosive and one of the most hazardous household products available to the public. Sorry, but a clean drain isn’t worth the risk of explosion related injuries.

25. This Shirred French Purse by Lady Buxton is an elegant place to store things.

However, if you’re a squirrel, then may I suggest you store your peanut in anything other than a woman’s purse. Because you’re not getting that back.

26. The economical Kiddie-Coop is a crib, playpen, and bassinet all in one.

Because why shouldn’t your baby be denied the same comforts as your pet rabbit? Seriously, why don’t you just install a crib dribbler while you’re at it?

27. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Texaco kid.

This little boy hopes you use Texaco gas to fill your tank before you crash and burn in some terrible accident that he’s eager to watch with great pleasure. Yes, this kid has a sadistic streak a mile wide.

28. Douglas DC-8 gives you the happiest flying from the ground up!

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I don’t know about you. But did anyone notice how it seems that the viewer is looking up a little girl’s skirt? Seriously, that’s disturbing.

29. Captivate your audience with this Playboy bunny hand puppet.

Warning: Playboy hand puppet is for adult use only and shouldn’t be used for adult-child contact. Also, might make you seem like an enormous perv.

30. Score Liquid Hair Groom will help men get what they’ve always wanted.

I don’t know about you, but I think this product’s ad is setting rather unreasonable expectations. Also, I think the women might want to cover up, just so they won’t get malaria.

31. Dishwashy hands scaring your man away? Switch to Ivory.

Basically this ad says, “I’m a fussy and lousy housewife but that doesn’t matter since my hands are good after I use Ivory soap.” Oh, for God’s sake give me a break.

32. Fat is folly so use Le Parle Obesity soap to shed the pounds.

Yes, a soap that helps you lose weight. I’m sure that’s totally bullshit because losing weight doesn’t work that way. Seriously, it doesn’t.

33. Kids just can’t resist the taste of Quick Frozen chicken pie.

I’m sure this boy is bound to be very disappointed when he finds out that pie doesn’t adhere to Mrs. Lovett’s famous meat pie recipe. You can guess what kind of meat he’s hoping for.

34. Support musicians, because recorded music tramples art for profits.

Wait until they find out that recorded music makes their stuff more accessible to the masses. Seriously, musicians have benefited tremendously through the record industry as far as I recall.

35. “Male makes it exciting….Male makes pure man stuff!”

Sure it does. But does this mean you should photoshop people on the crotch area of a pair of pants? You make the call.

36. “Gas…the magic of instant hot water!”

gas-magic-instant-hot-water-scalded-baby-Vintage-creepy-kids-ads

Maybe, but this terrifying baby doesn’t seem to like it that much. In fact, it seems like it’s melting which is kind of horrifying if you ask me.

37. Baer’s paint is great for all interior surfaces. Don’t take our word for it? Then let a bear paint your house.

Let a bear paint my house, right? Wonder what can go wrong with that. Oh wait, everything. Still, it’s pretty silly.

38. Want what’s best for your baby? Try Mennen’s Borated Powder.

Not sure what I find weirder about this one: the picture of the baby in the lightbulb or the toddlers swinging. For some reason, either seems rather messed up.

39. Motorola color TV gives you more to enjoy.

I bet this kid is like: “Mom, can I please change the channel? Because there’s a creepy clown on TV that’s scaring the crap out of me! And seeing him is sure to give me nightmares!”

40. So many good things come from DuPont cellophane.

Again with the babies in plastic wrap, DuPont? Seriously, do you realize how messed up that is? Because that’s insane!

41. For MacGregor’s flame retardant shorts, look for the burning boy label.

Now that’s pretty freaky if you think about it. Still, when this boy grows up, I’m sure he’ll end up starting a summer concert series like “Burning Man.”

42. For house painting, Carter’s white lead is absolutely pure.

Sure it might make your kids shorter and dumber as well as kidney and reproductive problems. Also causes other health problems like lead poisoning. But I’m sure it will cover more surface and last longer.

43. On Army day, soldiers always dry with Cannon towels.

Who knew that army bath time on the Pacific front was an ultimate sausage fest? For some reason, these stark naked guys don’t seem to just be bathing to me. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t ask or tell.

44. Don’t let bad breath ruin your love life, ladies. Try Colgate.

Yes, ladies, use Colgate toothpaste because men are incredible douches who’ll avoid you if you show signs of halitosis. And you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. What a sexist message from a toothpaste company.

45. Remember, ladies, you’re in a beauty contest every hour of every day. So use Camay soap.

Okay, that’s rather frightening to think about it. Seriously, it seems like these ads are telling women that they should look beautiful all the time or else they’ll lose their man. Fortunately, women, if he really loves you, he’s not going to dump you for not keeping up appearances.

46. “Tank Corps…welcome, too, is the brisk rub-down with a good towel.”

I guess this is toga party time for Tank Corps. And I’m sure they they tend to stick to the idea, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”

47. Remember, ladies, one zit can ruin a romance.

Yes, women, getting a zit is a horrifying experience that almost always ends in a break up. Seriously, one zit on her face is hardly going to be noticed. Even if it is, there are plenty of teenage girls who have steady boyfriends as well as problems with acne.

48. Don’t let B.O. break your engagement, use Lifebuoy deodorant.

Yeah, because whatever goes wrong in a relationship, it’s always because the woman fails to practice good hygiene. Seriously, did Jessie ever consider that her previous boyfriends were superficial assholes? That might have something to do with it.

49. She was a one date girl because she didn’t take some Kellogg’s All-Bran for her bowels.

Okay, so this ad is saying this woman wasn’t having a great love life because she was having trouble shitting? Seriously, that was her problem? You know how ridiculous it sounds.

50. If lack of muscle is your problem, try working out with Thrush.

Because women always love a man with a massive phallic car part in his hand. Wonder if any of them know what it is.

51. For daring gift for married couples, try a set of matching jail jamas.

So what do prison PJ’s say about marriage? Really doesn’t give a nice social commentary about it. Still, maybe these two are just prisoners of love, blue skies above, leaving their hearts in jail.

52. With After Six, why just have a party, when you can have a ball?

From Buzzfeed: “She’s holding a phallic symbol, two oranges, and a carton of white fluid. Any questions?” Yeah, you kind of figure where this is going.

53. Chiquita bananas are the most flavorful.

I’m sure this is just an innocent ad depicting a boy and a girl sharing bananas. Then again, maybe it’s not so innocent as it initially appears to be. Seriously, were the parents even consulted on this one?

54. Feeling cranky with menstrual cramps? Try Midol.

Because having your period should be no excuse for being cranky at social engagements. Seriously, seems like women at the time couldn’t really catch a break.

55. Married? No reason to neglect stockings.

Because men always hate it when their wife’s stocking appeal is spoiled by constant runs, holes, twisty seams, and wrinkles. And women must keep their stockings absolutely perfect. Seriously, this is madness! Madness!

56. Aunt Jemima always chases those pancake hungry blues away.

Man, this isn’t the Aunt Jemima I remember from my childhood. She seems to resemble some racist Mammy caricature, which is kind of offensive to African Americans.

57. At a time of war, it’s his yen against your dollar.

Yest, this was made in WWII by Texaco. But still, this is depicting the Japanese as money grubbing devils, which they were not. For the love of God, do they have any idea that Japanese Americans existed at the time? Oh, wait, we know what the US government did to them.

58. Rough on Rats always clears vermin, which only a Chinaman would eat.

Unlike in The Big Lebowski, the Chinaman is the issue here. I mean they’re saying that Chinese people eat rats, which is very offensive. Seriously, who the hell would even allege that?

59. Quaker State Motor Oil is as pure as certified milk.

Maybe, but that doesn’t mean your baby could drink it for God’s sake. Seriously, motor oil isn’t the kind of fluid that’s safe for human consumption.

60. Carter’s will always make your kids look sharp.

Then again, it might make your kids look like a bunch of mindless lobotomized Ralphies who might devour your brains. Might want to reconsider.

61. There are big reasons for better roads like nuclear weapons.

Really? But if an atomic bomb were to go off, we’d all be annihilated. So why we’d need better roads then? I’m just saying.

62. Don’t sun starve your baby, give them a G-E sunlamp for the bathroom.

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Because why should you deny your baby from experiencing the power of dangerous UV rays? Seriously, couldn’t they just put the baby in a play area outside?

63. Remember, ladies, Balls candy gives you courage.

Sure there have been plenty of women who’ve had courage throughout the ages. But I’m sure most women don’t get it from Balls candy. Seriously, why?

64. Lucky tigers always get the gals.

In his case, this tigerman prefers them stuffed and mounted on his wall as hunting trophies. Tigerman is an incredibly messed up individual who should probably be put in some maximum security prison.

65. Duke of Durham will sure keep those kiddies quiet.

Maybe, but is giving your kids tobacco a good idea? No way in hell. Also, baby Tweedledee and Tweedledum are really freaking me out right now.

66. Thanks to Monsanto, it’s plastics picking time down South.

Really, Monsanto? You know if cotton picking was pleasant as you depict it, then why did white plantation owners hire black slaves to do it? And why did they commit unspeakable atrocities against them and treated them less than human? Think about that.

67. It’s a known fact that more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.

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I have 2 uncles who are uncles. And we should know that not all of them have great health habits. So if your doctor smokes, doesn’t mean you should.

68. Asbestine stove lining cures stove troubles.

Sure Asbestine might cure stove troubles, but prolonged exposure might result in asbestosis and possibly mesothelioma. So maybe it’s not worth it. And they made these in Pittsburgh? Jesus Christ!

69. For winter wear, you can always trust Spring Maid Fabrics.

And from how I look at this one, this woman appears to having something going on with her legs. Still, let’s just hope she’s wearing pantyhose and not going commando.

70. And remember, nursing moms, nothing perks you and baby up like a glass of beer.

This is for a beer company in France as you see. Still, new moms need to know that drinking the wrong beer might make your baby not want to nurse from your teat.

For Sale Ads the Buyer Beware

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 22, 2016

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When you look inside any newspaper, on Craigslist, or wherever, you tend to find a lot of people selling some of their stuff. Houses and cars are usually the most listed item but it’s not uncommon to find pets, furniture, and other things either. It’s kind of like a circulation of crap from one owner to the next at times. Yes, people tend to be in certain situations that gives them the reason to sell like job loss, divorce, relocation, or death. Most ads of such type tend to be matter of fact and get straight to the point. But this isn’t the post for these since you tend to find them boring. Not to mention, getting through classified ads tends to be a rather dull adventure. But once in a while, you might end up finding ones that are sort of entertaining. And you might find others that might make you scratch your head and wonder why they thought to post this on Craigslist, the classifieds, or wherever. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of for sale ads that should be avoid if your seriously considering to buy something. But if you’re looking for giggles, go right ahead. Just be aware that some of the content might not be safe for work.

If you like John Deere tractors and hate sitting or steering them, I’ve found you a perfect ride.

Not sure if a tractor without a steering wheel is even worth buying. I mean why buy a tractor if you can’t drive it? A steering wheel serves a very important purpose.

2. Picturesque 3 bedroom house in forest, buy it now for the offer won’t last long.

I can guess why the seller is very motivated to sell this house. And I can see why the offer won’t last long. Still, it’s a nice house. But it runs a very high fire risk that might undermine its property value.

3. Can’t break up with your significant other? Buy a divorce couch.

According to this Craigslist ad, this one has been responsible for 4 breakups and kept a divorcee single for 2 years. Nevertheless, I’m sure relationship breakups aren’t caused by furniture. But this owner isn’t taking any chances.

4. Soft black Italian leather couch for sale, has some wear but is super comfy.

Uh, my parents have gotten rid of furniture that have looked better than this. It’s also bursting at the seams in two places. But I’m sure any WVU student would love it during football season.

5. 2002 Harley Davidson V-ROD for Sale due to owner’s personal issues.

Looks like somebody didn’t keep his zipper up. Now he’s facing the consequences by having to sell his motorcycle to pay legal fees. Fellas, this is what could happen to you if you don’t keep it in your pants. Don’t be this guy.

6. At Farmer Clem’s Huge Pot Sale, everything is 70% off.

Apparently, Farmer Clem has no idea that “pot” can pertain to a recreational drug as well as crockery. I’m sure stoners are bound to be disappointed.

7. The Honda CBR 250 is an excellent car for the enterprising criminal.

Sure this is a great car for outrunning the cops. But that’s not something you’d want to put in a used car ad. Also, I think John giving away his phone number might give him a one way ticket to the big house.

8. Fellas, get this sweet ass 2001 Ford Taurus and it will get you through explosions and help you get laid.

At the end this guy said that he didn’t write this and that he’s merely a fan of the original poster. And he’s also said that several other people who’ve posted this ad have been flagged. Nevertheless, I’m sure a Ford Taurus isn’t the car that survives explosions.

9. Free car available, because it’s just been dug up in somebody’s yard.

Based on this description, I bet the car advertised appears to be one that’s normally headed for the junk yard. Also requests that you bring your own bobcat and tow truck.

10. Buy a 2005 Nissan Xterra for $12900 and receive a free pair of MC Hammer pants.

This guy goes all the way to say how this car is for men in action movies. Also says that he’ll beat up any potential buyers who’ll give him $5,000 for it.

11. Parachute for sale, only used once, never opened.

I think you can guess what happened to the previous owner. I’m sure it didn’t end in a happy landing.

12. For Sale, 1999 Acura Integra, good condition, has only been in one accident.

Sure it’s only been rolled once. But please, did the seller have to post a picture of it in the classifieds? Seriously, I don’t think that’s going to inspire confidence in potential buyers.

13. Coffee Table of the Gods-sure to cost $7.83, 4 cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a photo of Betty White.

The ad also says that it’s “perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie.” Also says that buyers might be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of bad-assery.

14. Box of 10 year old Twinkies up for sale for $5.

I don’t know about you, but I think charging $5 for a box of 10 year old Twinkies is a bit much. I think they might be quite stale.

15. For Sale: human skull, not plastic, used once. Costs $200.

The fact that it’s not plastic kind of disturbs me. Let’s hope that nobody dug this up in a cemetery.

16. Sorry, but this 2005 Nissan Maxima isn’t for sale.

So if it’s not for sale, then why does this person have it in the Classified section. Just doesn’t make sense.

17. For Sale: One pair of hardly used dentures with 2 teeth missing.

Sorry, but even “hardly” used dentures with 2 kind of disgust me. Seriously, I don’t think I’d pay a dime for them, let alone $100.

18. Need a better way to clean the dishes and a breast cancer screening? Well, here’s your answer.

Well, for a dish washer like that, you can’t resist to buy it for $20. Think of it , ladies, a dishwasher that also examines your boobs. It’s a steal.

19. Soccer Ball: either signed by the Brazilian legend Pele or some guy named Peter.

It’s probably signed by some guy named “Peter.” Seriously, where in the hell could anyone find a soccer ball signed by such a legend? Yeah, me neither.

20. For Sale: casket that has been only used once.

So what happened to the last person who used it? Wait a minute, aren’t caskets usually used once? Isn’t that the idea?

21. For Sale by owner due to personal crisis.

You have to feel bad for this guy because his life seems to run like a country western song. Still, I don’t think he’s going to get a great offer due to the asbestos, which has been known to cause mesothelioma.

22. Home for sale, mice included.

Normally when a home has mice, it doesn’t make for good real estate. I mean nobody wants to live in a place that’s infested with vermin.

23. Used tombstone for sale, perfect for someone named Homer Hendelbergeneinzel.

Uh, aren’t tombstones supposed to have names carved into them? Also, how on earth would anyone get their hands on a used tombstone? Theft?

24. This magical piece of driftwood of mysterious origin could be yours at the price of $8,997 or a boat.

I’m sure $8,997 is way over priced for a piece of driftwood. You know, the kind of stuff you find near almost any body of water. Wonder if it’s wreckage from a boat. Wouldn’t be surprised.

25. All dogs are for sale, but keep in mind it’s a big responsibility.

I like this one. If you want a dog, fine. But if you just want a dog to make you feel better, go to a hospital for therapy. Yes, good advice.

26. Fish tank for sale, along with some terrible fish.

This one has 2 fish. One is named Kevin who’s a jerk and has got it out for goldfish. The other one is his brother Neal who is murderous scum. Didn’t know fish can be such jerks.

27. House for sale, because neighbor’s a dick.

I think this guy should reconsider. We all have that one asshole neighbor out there. But most of us deal with it and live our lives. This guy should do the same.

28. For sale, slice of American cheese left in fridge.

Seriously, a slice of American cheese? I wouldn’t think that’s worthy to put it on Craigslist. If it’s in excellent condition, why don’t you just eat the thing and be done with it? That’s what most people do.

29. Diamond ring for sale, very pretty, possibly cursed.

Well, that’s a pretty ring and at least the previous girl wearing it had the courtesy to return it to him. Still, like the part how he plans to throw it into the fires of Mordor if it’s not sold by Christmas.

30. High-maintainence car for sale, no longer reliable.

This guy could’ve avoided all his car trouble if he had tried to buy a car with Consumer Reports. Still, like how he photoshopped that girl in the front view.

31. For the price of $3995, you can drive this VW convertible as is if someone ever finds the wheels and who stole them.

So looking at this picture, I suppose that this car doesn’t take you anywhere. One of its key features is obviously lacking.

32. For sale, 275-300 cinder blocks for $1, just get these fucking blocks of this property.

Man, this guy seems to have a vocabulary that you’d expect from a character on The Wire. I mean they’re saying f-bombs left and right.

33. This 1971 Duster can be yours at the price of $3500.

Oh, my God, that looks like a literal piece of junk. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop the owner from promoting it as a perfect father and son restoration project.

34. Dog for sale. Name’s Rottie. But also goes by Mr. Giggles.

He’s said to be good with children, well mannered, and is a great companion. Sorry, but looking at the picture, I just don’t buy it.

35. For sale, the most uncomfortable chair ever made.

It’s funny how this seller is trying to attract buyers for it. Says it’s an antique, solidly built, easy to carry, and be used as a weapon.

36. Free to a good home but I’m not sure who the guy’s talking about in this.

At first, he seems to be talking about his dog. But as you go on, he seems to be talking about his girlfriend and how much of a bitch she is. Still, if he loves his dog so much, why doesn’t he just kick his girlfriend out?

37. Middleton home for sale, perfect for enterprising pot farmers.

Something tells me that whoever is selling this home got busted for growing pot. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because this ad mentions a room that’s spectacular room to grow marijuana.

38. Keyboards for sale, will ask for a bare price.

Guess that’s one way to grab a reader’s attention on Craigslist. Still, I wonder why this guy thought posing nude with a keyboard was a good idea. Why?

39. This suburban home in the hills of Wyomissing offers a spectacular view of a local Wal Mart.

Hmmm…something tells me that a viewing a local Wal-Mart from a private deck wouldn’t be very spectacular. In fact, quite the contrary.

40. For sale, 1995 Ford Escort, now at a reduced price.

Something tells me that this isn’t a great car. Well, it’s not just the price reduction. There’s also “beats walkin” in the description. Yes, this is probably a shitty car.

41. Fork for sale, $.50, also selling garbage disposal.

Let me guess, someone left a fork in the drain when they turned on the garbage disposal. Not surprised that it needs repair.

42. For sale, Ryan Turbidy’s underwear. Who is he? You know the new face of the Late Late Show.

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Don’t know about you but this guy seems to have spoken too soon. Seriously, I don’t know who this guy is. And I’m sure the new face of The Late Late Show is an Englishman named James Corden.

43. These hamsters are free or cost $1.00, depending whom you call.

Seems like Allen’s mother is desperate to get rid of the hamsters. That or Allen wants to make some money on the side.

44. For sale, dresser that ex-girlfriend left behind.

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This guy is describing his ex-girlfriend’s dresser as well as talking trash about his ex-girlfriend. Boy, this guy sure is bitter, my God.

45. Vibrator for sale, used twice, great condition.

First off, does anyone know what a vibrator is? Second, would anyone be willing to buy one used? Didn’t think so.

46. Bike for sale. Costs $10,ooo, but be careful.

I’m sure this bike isn’t nearly as nice than it in the picture. Let’s just say, “Apparently, ‘do whatever the f*** you want’ doesn’t mean what I thought,” might give you a clue why it’s on sale.

47. Seems like there’s a moving sale nearby.

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Kind of sad that this family has to move because the guy couldn’t keep it in his parents. Still, at least the wife has the last laugh with this picture. What an asshole.

48. Star Trek portraits for sale, to support World of Warcraft subscription.

Seems like some guy might have an addiction to World of Warcraft. Nevertheless, I’m sure he’ll have no trouble finding buyers for his Star Trek paintings.

49. Treadmill for sale, because running is apparently hard.

Guess somebody has given up on their New Year’s Resolutions. Still, buying fitness equipment is a waste of money, especially in January.

50. Mattress for sale, like new, has a slight urine smell.

Well, at least they’re honest. Nevertheless, not sure if anyone is willing to buy a mattress somebody peed on.

51. Couch for sale, said to be owned by Barry Gibb.

Okay, does this couch look like something Barry Gibb would own? My point exactly, no way in hell. Doesn’t stop people from trying though.

52. House for sale, has huge dick for entertaining and enjoying the views.

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Okay, that’s supposed to be “deck” not “dick.” Do you see why people need to check before they send it out to the public? Yeah, typos can totally change the original meaning.

53. iPhone bumper for sale. Available in Cape Town only.

Reading this, you wonder what the hell is going on in South Africa. Still, why the hell is this person selling something like an iPhone bumper online I don’t understand.

54. 4 year old boy for sale. Has temper tantrum issues.

Looks like somebody is going to jail once Child Services gets a hold of this. And I don’t think it’s this little boy who’s doing stuff you’d expect from a 4-year-old.

55. Wanna be a real man? Well, you need to buy this watch.

Seems like this guy goes to great lengths to sell this watch, saying how it will many any guy a real man. Still, not sure if it’s worth a million bucks though.

56. Laptop for sale, only slightly damaged.

Yeah, tis but a scratch indeed. Seems more like it’s been smashed by a sledgehammer if you ask me. More like something you might want to sell for scrap.

57. Couch for sale, David Hasselhoff not included.

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I’m sure that’s totally photoshopped. Because David Hasselhoff totally doesn’t look like that now. Still, don’t understand why people like him.

58. Potty chair for sale, solid oak, light brown stain.

I think “stain” in this means wood stain. However, sometimes you have to wonder.

59. Rob Ford bobblehead for sale, money goes to the Philippines.

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Wonder if anyone is going to take a crack at this. Guess Rob Ford isn’t very popular in Toronto.

60. 15 used snuggies for sale. Either one at a time or all at once.

Guy says that there might be some small stains on a few of them and someone might’ve died in one. But he says it’s no big deal.

61. Loaf of whole wheat bread for sale at $65.

I’m sure this is an ad used to punk people who believe in the snopocalypse. Still, you can buy any loaf of bread cheaper at your local grocery store.

62. Shovel for sale. Comes with free extension cord. No Jews, please.

I know whoever is selling this is a flaming anti-Semite. And I wouldn’t buy a shovel from him. But still, it’s great to laugh at.

63. Car for sale, not posting a picture because it has a lot of dents in it.

Like how he says that he wants the buyer to come while his wife’s home. He wants her to see that he put the car up. Guess she doesn’t believe him.

64. For sale, 8 day old partially eaten turkey. Still has drumsticks.

Look, I like turkey as much as the next person. However, I wouldn’t pay $23 for a partially eaten one. No way in hell.

65. For sale, used toilet paper.

Used toilet paper. That seems like a great thing to sell. Then again, for the love of God, it’s disgusting. Please let this be a joke.

66. For sale, china cabinet. Has some cat scratches. But that’s taken care of.

Sure this seems like a lovely china cabinet. However, not sure of what I think about the cat being killed.

67. For sale for $.09, a gently chewed piece of Stride gum.

This is sick. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to eat a piece of chewed gum. Still, shouldn’t the person just throw it out like a normal person would? That’s gross.

68. KA Nissan 240 motor for sale for $5.

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Hey, this doesn’t seem like it’s advertising a car. It’s a little girl with a gun in her hand which kind of scares the crap out of me. Little girls shouldn’t play with guns. Nor should little boys either.

69. Yugo for sale because it’s a piece of crap.

This seller not giving this Yugo a good write up saying it runs like a store shopping cart and is as reliable as Bernie Madoff. Then again, the people of Car Talk call this the worst car ever.

70. Boat for sale, needs work.

Yes, I could’ve guessed it needs a little work. Because it doesn’t seem to have much ability to float if you ask me.

71. Taxidermy mice for sale with button eyes. Can be used as napkin hangers.

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This looks kind of disturbing. Not sure if it’s the dead mice or the buttons. Creepy.

72. For sale, a spectacular 1995 Pontiac Grand Am GT.

This guy is really going to great aims to sell this car. Also calls it, “Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ.”

73. Moped for sale. Man in speedo not included.

Not sure if this is a lame attempt at fanservice for these guys surely aren’t ripped. Still, is posing in an ad in a speedo really necessary?

74. Husband for sale for a good low price.

Doesn’t seem very appealing, does he? So how he managed to be husband I don’t have the slightest idea. Then again, maybe I do.

75. Free sofa. Weatherproof. Hardly used.

Now that can’t be comfortable. Seriously, it’s a stone couch that’s covered in chicken wire. Then again, it’s fairly low maintenance.

76. 1962 International Rat Rod for sale at $3000.

Seems like this one was made out of two different cars. And the front end really doesn’t go well with the rest of it. So that’s why they call it a rat rod.

77. Apartments for rent.Spacious first floor has a lice infestation.

I think that’s supposed to be “live” not “lice.” Still, I don’t see it attracting many buyers. See what typos do to ads if undetected?

78. Seems like there’s an estate sale around the corner.

Oh, my God, this is the kind of yard sale you’d expect from an Agatha Christie novel. Assuming that yard sales took place in Agatha Christie stories. Still, sounds rather insensitive.

79. Unicorns for sale, must go together at $925,000.

I’m sure this is a joke. Because we all know that unicorns don’t exist at all. Seriously, whoever makes a serious inquiry regarding unicorns is a complete moron. Then again, one born every minute.

80. Husband or kitten free to a good home, whichever leaves first.

Well, that’s one way of giving an ultimatum. Still, you have to admit, this ad is pretty hilarious.

Vintage Celebrity Endorsements from the Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 9, 2016

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Since the NFL playoffs are major events on television this time of year, it’s no surprise that sponsors tend to air a flow of commercials during these games, many of which you probably have never seen before. Now many of these tend to pertain to food, cars, alcoholic beverages, and boner pills. But some don’t. Nevertheless, it’s not unusual that you might see plenty of products endorsed by celebrities sort of like, “Buy this product because I use it and I think it’s great. And I’m famous enough that you’ll trust my judgement.” You might not know this but the practice of product promotion through celebrity endorsement has been around for a very long time. How long?, you may ask. Well, let’s just that Roman gladiators endorsed products like today’s professional athletes. But why would anyone listen to a celebrity on something like food or hair care products? I don’t know. But I do know that people listen to celebrities, perhaps more than they should. I mean if it wasn’t for Jenny McCarthy saying that vaccines cause autism (which isn’t true at all by the way as several studies have shown), some people wouldn’t be as skeptical of vaccines as they are (which isn’t a good thing, honestly). Nevertheless, I can show you some of the great vintage celebrity endorsement ads out there. But you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show some of the more questionable ones, some of which don’t have the same impact as they did upon release. Others make you shake your head for an explanation. So without further adieu, I present to you some crazy celebrity endorsements from yesteryear. There’s a chance you might not know a lot of these people.

After a show, the legendary jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong likes to relax to Camel cigarettes.

Uh, Louis, as a jazz trumpet player, you work a lot with your lungs which is apparent in photos. So I don’t think relaxing to Camels may not be the best way to relax. Seriously, it’s not.

2. Rock Hudson sure likes to wrap around girls wearing Emba Mink.

Anyone who’s familiar with Rock Hudson’s sexual orientation would automatically see why this ad is hilarious. Seriously, I’m sure he’s totally faking it with that woman. I mean anyone who has any idea about who he was knows that he was more into the boys.

3. If Stevie Wonder could play video games, he’d play Atari.

Of course, Stevie Wonder doesn’t play video games because he’s as blind as a bat since birth. Seriously, how in the hell could anyone trust a blind guy’s judgement on video game consoles? Yes, he’s a Grammy award winning legend, but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to video games. And I especially mean that if it pertains to an ad endorsed by a guy who can’t see a thing.

4. If Geoffrey Holder had hair, he’d use Vidal Sassoon for men.

I’m not sure who this guy is other than him being a bald black actor. However, when it comes to choosing a shampoo, who do you think I’d trust more a bald guy or Sasquatch? Answer is always going to be Sasquatch every time. Still, at least Troy Polamalu’s endorsements for Head and Shoulders actually make sense.

5. New York Yankees legend Babe Ruth likes to smoke Old Gold cigarettes after a big game.

Great job, Babe, that’s another way to be a bad influence among your young fans. Now I understand nobody thought anything about it at the time. But still, those Old Gold cigarettes can’t help your game.

6. When it comes to giving boxes of chocolates, Humphrey Bogart chooses Whitman’s.

Reading Bogart’s face in this ad, I don’t think he communicates an expression of thoughtfulness. Rather I think he’s trying to put on a straight face while wondering how the hell he got into this endorsement deal in the first place.

7. Sandra Dee always tans faster with Coppertone suntan lotion.

When it comes to suntan lotion, you don’t want something that gives you a faster and deeper tan. Because that’s followed by a faster and deeper burn. Also, is it just me, or does Sandra Dee look a bit like a Oompah Loompah?

8. Dolores Del Rio smokes Lucky Strikes and has her throat insured for $50,000.

Uh, I don’t know about you, Dolores, but I think quitting Lucky Strikes altogether is a better investment on your throat than a $50,000 insurance policy. After all, years of smoking killed Humphrey Bogart and George Harrison in their late 50s from throat cancer.

9. Fred MacMurray always enjoys the taste of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup.

Is it just me or does Fred MacMurray seem to have a psychokiller glint on his face? He just looks so terrifying as if he’s trying to hide his strong bloodlust behind his pearly white smile. Still, this guy wasn’t known for playing psychokillers. Having a romantic interest in psychokillers, yes. But that was just Double Indemnity.

10. When it comes to cigarette brands, legendary baseball player Jackie Robinson smokes Chesterfield.

Yeah, Jackie, way to go with encouraging kids to smoke. Just remember you’ll be an anti-drug crusader toward the end of your life and die of a heart attack at 53.

11. Dorothy Lamour always knows that Royal Crown Cola tastes better than all the others.

I don’t drink pop so I couldn’t care less about Dorothy Lamour’s soft drink preference. However, I am interested about where Dorothy Lamour gets her hair done. Is it somewhere in Whoville?

12. Liberate your eyes with Alice Cooper’s Whiplash unisex mascara.

Well, I think Alice Cooper having a unisex mascara line is actually appropriate. However, not sure what I think about him wearing shiny wrapping paper with electrical tape. That’s just weird.

13. Right Guard Sport Stick helps Hulk Hogan express his sensitive side.

Hulk Hogan achieved fame as a studio wrestler. I’m sure an ad showing him putting up a sweat in the ring would be more appropriate. So why they have him painting is beyond me.

14. Royal Crown Cola would like to congratulate on her Oscar win for Mildred Pierce.

I’m sure Joan Crawford will be a reliable spokeswoman for Royal Crown Cola’s product. That is, until a decade later when she marries the CEO of Pepsi. Also, didn’t have a great relationship with a couple of her kids.

15. Rock Hudson can always tell a Halo girl by the shine of her hair.

However, while Rock might admire a woman’s shiny Halo hair, he tends to go for the Halo guys. Seriously, Rock, we all know you did this ad while you were in the Hollywood celluloid closet.

16. Florida Orange Juice: the premiere citrus for 1970s homophobes.

This terrifying woman pouring orange juice is Anita Bryant, former Miss Oklahoma, pop singer, and the spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission. However, she’s better known as an outspoken opponent of gay rights and her 1977, “Save Our Children” campaign. Today the gay community continues to regard her name synonymous with bigotry and homophobia.

17. Ed Sullivan takes his pictures with his Kodak Brownie 20.

I don’t know about you. But looking at this ad, I find the idea of having my picture taken by Ed Sullivan as a very disturbing ordeal. Seriously, he looks as if he’s up to no good.

18. For Donald Trump, Trump steaks are the world’s greatest steaks.

Of course, Donald Trump would think anything’s the best in the world if it has his name on it. Even his awful orange hamster hair. Still, for the love of God, please don’t vote for this guy for president. This man is a repulsive human being who feeds off the worst of humanity. Seriously, I really hate this guy.

19. On his boat with Lauren Bacall, Humphrey Bogart prefers to smoke cigarillos.

Yes, Humphrey Bogart smoked a lot in his life and movies, onscreen and off. Little did he know that all his years of smoking would lead to his death from throat cancer at 57. And it wasn’t a pleasant way to go either.

20. Ronald Reagan always prefers to smoke Chesterfields.

Guess he’s sure to regret doing that ad when he’s the US President during the 1980s. I mean didn’t his wife start a drug awareness campaign called, “Just Say No”? And here he is telling people to say, “yes” to smoking.

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoys a V drink from Japan.

Man, Arnie seems to have had a horrendous taste in fashion during the 1980s. Wherever he got that outfit, I really don’t want to know.

22. Merle Oberon uses Tru-Color Lipstick for her lips.

You might not know that Merle Oberon was said to suffer damage to her complexion in the 1940s from a combination of cosmetic poisoning and an allergic reaction to sulfa drugs. It’s alleged that she went through some partially successful dermabrasion procedures. Let’s just say if she endorsed any cosmetics, I’d advise you to stay away from them.

23. These Major League Baseball players always want the very best. So they smoke Cheserfields.

Wonder how many of these guys died of smoker related illnesses like lung cancer and heart disease. Also, I really don’t think cigarettes could help their game.

24. It’s said that Vincent Price’s Chinese Chicken is inscrutably delicious.

Not sure if Vincent Price was a good cook. However, since he’s best known for playing horror movie villains, ask yourself, would you ever eat anything made by Vincent Price? Think about it.

25. For a square deal to your lungs, smoke Teddy cigarettes.

This one came from Norway so it’s unlikely Teddy Roosevelt ever smoked these (but he did smoke in real life like most men at the time). But the Norwegians seem to have an affinity for the man as you see here. Then again, he was an incredible badass.

26. Tyrone Power opts for milder Chesterfields.

Tyrone Power might’ve smoked Chesterfields but he also died suddenly of a massive heart attack at 44. Genetics might’ve been involved (his dad died at 62 and in his arms). But his smoking might’ve had something to do with it.

27. Spock doesn’t always drink beer. But when he does, he drinks Heineken.

Uh, Heineken, Vulcan ears don’t work that way. Also, I don’t think Vulcans drink alcohol. Then again, booze might come in handy whenever he’s going through Pon Farr.

28. Bill Cosby always enjoys Jello pudding pops.

For all we know, those pops could be filled with booze and roofies and aimed toward women he wants to knock out and rape. Just say no, when he offers you one. Seriously, just say no.

29. Howdy Doody’s favorite treat is marshmallow “crispy squares.”

For one, those are “Rice Krispie Treats,” to call them anything else is plain heresy for me. Second, Howdy Doody was a popular character from a children’s show, not some cowboy doll known to kill people in their sleep. Though I can see why people might make that mistake.

3o. Bill Cosby calculates with a TI-59 Programmable.

I wonder if Texas Instruments regrets this endorsement during the 1980s. You can say that about any company that’s used Bill Cosby as a spokesman.

31. Merle Oberon uses Pan Cake make up to look younger and lovelier.

Once again, Merle Oberon isn’t the best authority on make up products. Remember how I said she had cosmetic poisoning that ruined her skin complexion.

32. Sonny and Cher read the book that everyone’s talking about: The Bible.

Don’t really see Cher as religious. But I heard that while Sonny publicly identified as Roman Catholic, he had an interest in Scientology and took Scientology courses. He was also said to be kind of a jerk to Cher if you ask me.

33. Vincent Price always prefers Creamettes whenever he makes pasta.

Whenever Vincent Price makes pasta, you wonder whether anyone drops dead from poison. Or ends up in his special room of horrors. Seriously, I wouldn’t eat anything made by Vincent Price no matter how good of a cook he is.

34. When it comes to killing roaches, Muhammad Ali goes with d-Con Roach Traps since they kill without poison.

Apparently, the notion that Muhammad Ali will beat ’em up and not kill them doesn’t apply to roaches. To him, roaches are as good as dead.

35. Doris Day endorses the International Deluxe Series 56 Roller Compactor.

Doris Day was an actress and here she is on a steamroller. Which begs the question: how in the hell she’d know about steamrollers? The only people I’ve seen using them are PennDOT workers for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

36. Phillies Cigars present the Mickey Mantle Baseball Special.

Is it just me or does Mickey Mantle seem like he’s hiding something sinister in that glove? It’s almost like he wants kids to get these cigars for the cards and that they perish by smoking themselves to death.

37. For rich flavor, Dick Nolan smokes Camels.

I’m sure smoking Camels is going to help Nolan with his play on the field. All it will do is harden his arteries and clog his lungs with tar. Also doesn’t help that he plays for the Detroit Lions.

38. For Christmas, Sean Connery always enjoys the gift of Jim Beam bourbon.

I thought Sean Connery more or less enjoys martinis, shaken, not stirred. Then again, he’d probably go, “That’s not what your mother said” and act like his crass self on Celebrity Jeopardy.

39. Eddie Cantor likes to make whoopie and smoke Old Gold.

Uh, Eddie, I think you need to wash your face. Seriously, you really need to wash your face. Your blackface makeup is really causing riots among your black audiences. It’s virulently racist expression. For the love of God, Eddie, wash your freaking face! Jesus Christ!

40. Even Groucho Marx thinks that Frosted Flakes are g-r-r-reat.

For some reason, I don’t think Groucho is giving a ringing endorsement. Rather his face reads, “How in the hell did this creep get in here? Get me security.”

41. As Bob Hope said, drilling for oil is about as tough as sipping pop from a sponge.

Apparently, I’m not sure if the sipping through a sponge metaphor makes any sense to me. Could it be that getting oil out is relatively easy at first but as you get more out, it becomes harder to find? That might make some sense.

42. When it comes to underwear, J. R. Ewing prefers $3.oo hard cash and soft comfort in BVD.

While J. R. Ewing might prefer soft comfort in his underpants, he tends to pursue hard cash by making it harder for everyone else. He’s just that kind of Texas oilman asshole you love to hate.

43. Like Joan Blondell, Auto-Lite Spark Plugs have rhythm and perfect performance.

Not sure what Joan Blondell knows about spark plugs. But at least this makes better sense than endorsing a steamroller. I mean she probably drives a car. Still, spark plugs aren’t glamorous products.

44. When he’s in the ring, Jerry Lewis grabs the bull by the tail.

Uh, Jerry, you really don’t want to do that. For one, it’s considered an act of cowardice for matadors in the ring. Second, it pisses off the bull.

45. Orson Welles always enjoys drinking Paul Mason wine.

Yes, he enjoys wine that suits his large appetite. High caloric food and booze were his major weaknesses as he tried to slim down with crash diets, drugs, and corsets for his early film roles. But after 1960, he was permanently obese.

46. Boris Karloff is distressed that he can’t find his carload full of arsenic.

This was when Boris Karloff was playing Jonathan Brewster in the original Broadway production of Arsenic and Old Lace. This is for Northern Pacific Railway. Nevertheless, I think his arsenic would’ve been confiscated by security by this point. At least today.

47. Michael Jordan is really into his Ball Park franks.

I don’t know about you. But it seems like MJ is a little too suggestive while eating his hotdog. Makes me want to question whether which team he really bats for. Then again, he might really enjoy Ball Park franks.

48. Opera singer Patrice Munsel says that Camel cigarettes agree with your throat.

I guess this woman didn’t have a long career in opera due to her lungs being filled up with tar. Still, Camel cigarettes don’t agree with your throat. Nor does any tobacco products. And that’s not me talking. That’s science.

49. Who knew that Reggie Jackson drove a Volkswagen Rabbit?

And I guess Reggie Jackson is the guy on his team that everyone makes fun of for driving an ugly car. Then again, the 1970s weren’t a great time for car design. But still, neither Volkswagen or baseball have a great reputation these days.

50. O. J. Simpson gets his kicks with Dingo boots.

I don’t know what’s crazier about this ad. The fact that Dingo has O. J. Simpson as its spokesman even though the guy would later kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend. Or that O. J. has 3 legs.

51. Before Stevie Wonder would get in a car with a drunk driver, he’d drive himself.

I saw this poster at my school when I was a grade schooler during the 1990s. It made sense at the time mostly because when you’re that age, you tend to have no idea that Stevie Wonder has been blind from birth. Yes, riding with a drunk driver is a big mistake. So is getting in a car driven by a guy who’s blind like Stevie Wonder.

52. Smirnoff helps Woody Allen get out of his shell.

That seems like freaky photoshop here by the looks of it. Not sure if Smirnoff should’ve gone with a literal interpretation, especially if it makes Woody Allen a bit of a creep. Then again, he kind of is.

53. Even His Holiness Pope Leo XIII enjoys Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine was a popular 19th century drink that consisted of Bordeaux wine with cocaine. Pope Leo XIII was a big fan of the drink and had the Vatican award a gold medal for the guy who created it. Yes, you can’t make that stuff up.

54. Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds use Western Union to send a telegram to their mothers on Mother’s Day.

These two are the parents of Carrie Fisher who’d later play Princess Leia. However, they do seem like such a sweet couple. Too bad that Eddie Fisher would later dump the wholesome Debbie for Elizabeth Taylor. Surprisingly, Debbie and Liz seemed to remain good friends like George Harrison and Eric Clapton.

55. Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy would like you to drink some Coca Cola.

No, these guys didn’t consist of a mad toymaker and his killer gentlemen doll. Bergen was a ventriloquist and Charlie McCarthy was his dummy (though he does look quite creepy). Their show was very popular on the radio at the time. He’s also the father of Candice Bergen.

56. The Dionne quintuplets march on with Karo.

Yes, they may appear like little rays of sunshine. But beneath their faces lies a maliciousness that breaks out when you least expect. Avoid these killer cherubs if you can.

57. Groucho Marx enjoys Blatz beer.

Yes, I know Groucho Marx was a funny guy. But looking at this, he seems like he’s offering you a drink that probably contains poison. And he seems to hope that you’re too dumb to notice.

58. Edmund Lowe protects his voice with Lucky Strikes.

6-Lucky-Strike–I-Protect-My-Voice-With-Luckies

He’s another opera singer, by the way. However, you what would do a better job protecting his voice than Luckies? Quitting them. Seriously, there are plenty of smokers who’ve lost their voices that some of them had to have special boxes put in.

59. Buster Keaton enjoys Smirnoff Vodka.

Not sure if you’d want to Buster Keaton to endorse your vodka, Smirnoff. Yes, he’s a silent legend, but he suffered from crippling alcoholism during the 1930s which nearly ruined his life. How bad was it? Well, at one point he married his nurse during an alcoholic binge.

60. Bing Crosby advises parents how to handle teenagers.

So his advice is with Fleers gum. Wasn’t expecting that. Rather, I thought he’d employ some measure of physical or emotional abuse on his kids, according to a few of his sons. Not sure if I’d trust his judgement.

61. The loveliest women in the world take Ayds like Hedy Lamarr.

Ayds were weight loss candies they had back in the day. Unfortunately, they fell out of popularity in the 1980s with the AIDS outbreak. Guess Hedy might’ve regretted this endorsement by that time.

62. Elvira just loves a man with a hairy chest.

I guess she’s a bit into men who tend to be walking carpets. Also, Coors Light had a Beer Wolf mascot? Wonder what happened to him.

63. It’s elementary to know why Basil Rathbone enjoys Chesterfield cigarettes.

I don’t know about you but does Basil Rathbone seem a bit creepy in this like he’s some serial killer in the dark. Must be the lighting if you ask me.

64. Peter Lawford wishes he went to more parties that serve Heublein’s Cocktails.

Of course, Peter Lawford was known to have several failed marriages and chronic alcoholism. Died of a heart attack at 61 along with complications associated with kidney and liver failure.

65. Dennis Hopper is practically helpless in his bath tub.

This is a Japanese shampoo ad from the 1980s. Not sure why Hopper’s like this and why the water in his tube is a bright blue.

66. Phil Silvers always enjoys Smirnoff around the holiday season.

I don’t know about you, but something doesn’t seem right about Phil Silvers in this. Either he’s violently insane or just drunk.

67. Vincent Price wants you to wrap yourself in Emba Mink.

Yes, I know that Vincent Price is known to play creeps in his movies. And he’s certainly creepy in this one. But he’s more like the dirty old man trying to grope this young blonde than anything you’d see from a horror movie.

68. When they say, “Bloody Mary,” Julie Newmar reaches for Smirnoff.

Not sure who Julie Newmar is nor do I care. But whipping out a bottle of vodka like a gun, really? That’s just crazy.

69. Dragnet’s Jack Webb says it’s wise to smoke Fatima cigarettes.

Jack Webb was a radio personality. No, I’m not sure if he’s ever been in horror movies. Nevertheless, he certainly has a face to play a some slasher film psychokiller. Yes, I can totally see him murdering teenagers and he wouldn’t have to wear a mask.

70. Robert Goulet and Carol Lawrence always enjoy a Heublein cocktail.

For some reason Robert Goulet seems more focused on Carol Lawrence more than anything. Not sure if he’s staring at her boobs or her legs. Probably her legs. Yes, Robert Goulet is a perv.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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