The beginning of this year hasn’t been good to me other than Netflix premiering A Series of Unfortunate Events and finally getting to see Rogue One of course. For the nation, we saw the end of a great presidency and the swearing of a president who I strongly believe has absolutely no conscience, has no reason to be trusted, and probably has no idea how to run the country. Oh, and his presidency has a chance to embolden white supremacists as well as inspired mass protests. On Sunday this week, the nation witnessed the Atlanta Falcons nearly winning the Super Bowl before unbelievably seizing defeat in the jaws of victory against the New England Cheetahs, excuse me, I mean Patriots. And to insult to injury, Deflategate Quarterback Tom Brady received another MVP trophy. Yes, it always sucks to see this wretched team win outside of New England of course. For me, personally, I lost my grandfather on the week of my 27th birthday which was sad and somewhat sudden but not unexpected since he was 89. Yet, his loss certainly leaves a big void in my family as well as my life. And that my birthday was on his viewing while his funeral was the next day. So perhaps it would be nice of me to perhaps put some fun blog posts in for once just to hold myself over until after Valentine’s Day. Though McDonald’s has already released their shamrock line already which I believe is premature. And I thought nothing would be better than another vintage ad post. Yes, I know these are crazy nostalgia busting ad pieces are things you can’t unsee. But please, we should understand that they belong to a time when many people consider America great that they voted a billionaire devil in ugly orange hair who brags about grabbing women by the pussy in order to make America great again. In truth, that time they nostalgize about really wasn’t that great as these ads show. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of questionable vintage advertising. Enjoy.
- A Kiddie-Coop keeps your baby safe and sound.
For some reason, it reminds me of a cage you’d keep your pet rabbit in. Or is it a pet turtle?
2. Satisfy your sadistic urges with a Whizooka roach gun.
Warning: Might contain poisonous chemicals that might make your family ill or kill your pets. Might affect other wildlife populations as well. Please use responsibly.
3. Stevens: the choice of gun for any child soldier.
Okay, this kid doesn’t look like he’s on a duck hunt. His expression is more akin of Paul Baumer from All Quiet on the Western Front.
4. Give her a gift she’ll truly appreciate forever like her very own garbage disposal.
To be fair, it’s probably not the worst thing to give a woman on Valentine’s Day. But it’s not one that inspires true romance.
5. “Should I leave you on the doorstep, Mom?”
Because nobody shames mothers into using a product like introducing a freaky alternative reality. I think Johnson & Johnson hired real basket cases to do this ad.
6. Men, do you enjoy engaging in spousal abuse for kicks? The BPA Fun Center is the place for you.
Okay, I get that this ad doesn’t intend to promote domestic violence against women at any time. It’s supposed to be for a place like Dave & Busters. But the slogan is just so wrong.
7. Campbell’s Soup: the #1 soup for the budding child psychopath.
Because there’s nothing that your budding psychokiller won’t enjoy more than some very salty chicken noodle soup. Campbells Mmmmm….salt.
8. Dr. Pepper is always healthy and invigorating that you’d want to get naked at the beach.
So in the early 1900s it was perfectly okay to feature naked women in order to sell stuff. And they thought women wear to little in our advertising.
9. Keep yourselves healthy all winter long with a GE sunlamp.
The baby in the doctor’s outfit is quite freaky if you ask me. Also, I’m not sure if sun lamps are good for you anyway.
10. Thanks to Planetary Pencil Pointer, a woman can now sharpen her pencil.
Uh, sharpening pencils doesn’t require a lot of physical strength to begin with. Even if you don’t use a crank. Seriously, this is just sexist garbage. But at least it comes from a company whose name is quite fitting.
11. Thanks to DDT, this baby no longer has to worry about the pesky flies.
Unfortunately, you couldn’t say the same for the other baby creatures out there. Since DDT has led to thinning eggshells on multiple birds of prey who eat fly infested vermin. This has put a lot of animals on the Endangered Species List.
12. Doctors agree that Camel cigarettes are great for a child’s health and life expectancy.
Yes, the little girl thinks she’ll live to be a hundred when she starts smoking. But what’s more likely to happen is that she’ll probably end up with a slew of respiratory problems before dying of lung cancer before reaching 60.
13. Problems in your sex life? Well, look no further than in the self-help book Eugenics and Sex Harmony.
Not recommended for ethnic minorities, poor people, and the disabled. Who shouldn’t be having feeble minded kids anyway. Seriously, what else does eugenics mean?
14. Horton’s furniture says let him worry about Vietnam while you ladies think about getting a new sofa.
To be fair, women weren’t subjected to the draft in the late 1960s. However, this ad is incredibly sexist just the same for obvious reasons.
15. Finally, a scrapbook for the “Homely Woman,” only so they know how to pass as pretty.
Because, ladies, if you can’t be a delicate flower who can fit in a suffocating corset, then no man will want you. By the way, if it helps you, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t considered a great beauty in her day but managed to find a man anyway. Even if he was her 5th cousin who cheated on her.
16. Enhance your respiratory capabilities with a wonderful lung expander.
I don’t know about you, but it seems like this boy is taking in air through a vacuum resembling a flying saucer. Makes me scratch my head.
17. A Singer sewing machine is sewing made easy.
While Mom teaches little Susie how to use this thing, little Susie wants to know how she can use this machine to knock down little Timmy from across the street. Because she doesn’t see much use in sewing clothes.
18. Vigoro makes your lawn as good as it looks.
So go ahead let your toddler play outside with his diaper. Then again, from that boy’s look, I feel more for the cat.
19. Women, if your husband won’t have sex with you, you might be using the wrong vagina cleaner. So consider Zonite.
For some reason, I consider such ads about “feminine hygiene” that shames women for dirty private parts among the most sexist. These are clearly about shaming women for not keeping their vaginas clean enough. Good God.
20. Parker: making pens for women before Bic did. Because girls have smaller hands.
Ellen Degeneres did a whole comedy bit on this which was hilarious. Seriously, women have been using regular pens for years. The idea women need special pens for them is just stupid.
21. Champion’s Mustard: the perfect condiment for a midsummer’s night dream.
Are those supposed to be black? Because if they are, I have a bad feeling about this. Also, Bottom looks like he’s just wearing a donkey head.
22. Keep your kids from falling out of the car with a Dickson Rear automatic door lock.
Because this car surely didn’t come with a built-in child safety locks on the doors. Or seatbelts for that matter.
23. Incompatible really means “the wife has a dirty vagina problem.” So fix it withe Lysol.
So in olden days, doctors encouraged women to put cleaning products in their hoohahs. Jesus Christ, that’s a really super dumb and dangerous way to fix your relationship. Marriage counseling would be safer.
24. Put your man at ease over causing the fender bender with a pie made from Jell-O pudding.
So Jell-O believes that women are bad drivers. What a bunch of sexist assholes.
25. Softness is what boys always find desirable in girls. So try Baby Soft.
Please let this girl be at least 18. Also, why the hell do they have an adult cosmetics like called Baby Soft? That’s just freaky.
26. Pratts Healing Ointment cures both man and beast.
However, going to bed with your horse, well, that’s not necessarily encouraged. Seriously, that’s kind of sick if you think about it.
27. Do it on the floor with the love rug.
“The Love Rug strokes your bodies as you make love.” So how can a rug do that. Also, is that David Hasselhoff?
28. Killed your husband and need to getaway fast? Broadway Deluxe Cab is at your service.
It’s the cab service you call when you need to get out before the police arrive and find your prints all over the gun. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this is an appropriate ad campaign in the least.
29. Wash your boy’s hair with Lucky Tiger Hair Tonic so he won’t lose it when he’s older.
Unfortunately, Lucky Tiger won’t prevent hair loss if baldness runs in your family. Because that’s determined by genetics, folks. But some will lose their hair earlier than others.
30. Keep your calls secret with a voice silencer.
Wonder how that works. I’m sure it won’t be effective if you’re on a party line.
31. Stop being bored by going on a trip to Disneyland.
After all, you probably need it as much as you need a hole in the head. Okay, that doesn’t send a very good message.
32. Thought your kid would be a different gender? Rexall’s got you covered.
So what if he was hoping for a boy and got a girl? I’m sure his daughter will appreciate the Panda bear teddy anyway. Also, kids are too young for all that sporting equipment anyway.
33. King Electric Furnaces are stacked for comfort so you can safely sit on one with your bare ass.
Well, I have to hand it for King in this case even though I usually don’t approve of naked women. But this one shows that you can sit on their furnace and not burn your ass off. What can be better than that.
34. Have your dogs get in shape while you drive with a “canine exerciser.”
As someone who’s watched Vacation, tying your dog to a car can constitute as animal cruelty and kill them. A canine exerciser is a great way to get your local Humane Society to hate you.
35. All these pretty women can’t find husbands because of one crucial problem.
I think I know where this is going. Let me guess, dirty vaginas? Seriously, why the obsession?
36. Nothing cures domestic squabbles like Arpege perfume.
From Tinsel Creation: “‘“Mommy, don’t cry… I’m sure Daddy’s giving you Arpège.’ Nothing sells a classic like the suggestion of domestic violence, apparently. Promise her anything…”
37. Sold digestive problems with Burdock’s Pills.
For some reason, this add suggests that your liver helps you shit. I’m not so sure whoever came up with this ad understands human anatomy.
38. Do you still beat your wife? Keep it up.
This is for a booklet titled, “Why You Should Beat Your Wife.” You read that right. This ad promotes domestic abuse, for God’s sake. What the hell?
39. Planning to kill your wife sometime soon? Get her an Albany Life insurance policy first.
The fact this ad features knives, pills, bleach, and a pillow makes it seem like this insurance company wants guys to kill their wives. Couldn’t they feature something less disturbing like funeral stuff?
40. Lavine soap gets things clean.
But please treat yourself to this naked kid about to strangle a swan with bare hands. Hey, that’s what it looks like to me.
41. Centaur Massage cologne is half-man, half-beast but all male.
It’s the kind of cologne an Ancient Greek man would want to be massaged with by a skimpy clad woman. Still, given a centaur’s body hair abundance, would anyone want to mate with one? Especially after what the centaurs might’ve done to Umbridge.
42. The hotter the day, the more you need Ethyl gasoline.
Note that Ethyl has become notorious for its tetraled gasoline which has contributed to a ton of deadly pollution in the atmosphere and posed significant health risks. The guy who invented this would later create CFCs that would cause a hole in the ozone layer.
43. Joy’s Cigarettes are great for your asthma.
In reality, they’ll only exacerbate your asthma and lead to other health problems that could kill you. And no, they’re not safe for children at all.
44. Remember, ladies, your bad breath will drive your man away.
I’m sure in plenty of relationships didn’t end because the woman had bad breath or used the wrong toothpaste. Also, what’s the spider web suppose to mean?
45. Need to stop for a few things? Keep your kids in the car while you visit a 7-Eleven.
Nowadays, keeping your kids in the car might get you arrested for child neglect during the summer. Because keeping your kids in a hot car is a major parenting no-no.
46. Now you can make your home gay with Gaytop table covers.
I’m sure this ad gets unintentional shits and giggles because “gay” has a different connotation these days. The smiling guy in the plaid shirt make this ad even funnier.
47. Zonite: the feminine hygiene product for whenever your ginie gets too dirty for lovemaking.
Whenever I see ads like this, I tend to wonder why were they so obsessed with women keeping clean vaginas. This is ridiculous.
48. A Sears Kenmore Stove is designed for wives but built for husbands.
So does this mean Kenmore thinks women belong in the kitchen? Because it sure seems like it.
49. “Are you sure I’d still be a virgin with Tampax?”
For the love of God, asking whether using Tampax hurts one’s virginity is like asking whether Harry Potter will lead kids to sorcery and devil worship. We both obviously know that such concepts are utterly ridiculous to even think about. Jesus Christ!
50. Save your marriage by changing to Lipton Tea.
No, I don’t think changing tea brands improves relationships. Except maybe during the American Revolution but otherwise not really.
51. Ladies, you can lose your man in a minute if you don’t wash your mouth with Listerine.
Look, if your man leaves you for having bad breath, then it’s more likely he’s the problem not you. And you’re probably better off without Mr. Shallowpants anyway.
52. Don’t let menstrual panic happen to you, use Modess sanitary napkins.
Sure women experience period leakage all the time and it’s embarrassing. However, this ad makes such worries severe enough for them to need a psychiatrist.
53. These days a girl doesn’t have to be pretty to be popular.
And I suppose you don’t have to be a good hospital to be popular. Seriously, why would a girl snorting cocaine be a good way for a hospital to advertise? Were they trying to say they have a good drug treatment center? Because this picture doesn’t make them look good at all.
54. Husband more frigid than usual but won’t say why? Maybe because it’s stinky down there.
Or that her husband’s head is literally frozen inside an ice cube. So I don’t think cleaning her privates will help her in this case.
55. For women who want a better figure, try Jantzen girdles.
Think of it as spanx in your grandmother’s time. Also, who the hell hangs up their laundry in their underwear? Not to mention, you can barely see it on her that her ass almost looks bare.
56. A woman should always make sure whether her panties are up to date.
So you mean a woman has to have the latest panties? Seriously, if her panties aren’t falling apart and fit her fine, then she doesn’t need new ones. Because what she wears underneath is nobody’s goddamned business.
57. Duraglas baby food shouldn’t leave a tiny bit to waste.
This baby’s like, “Please, don’t stick that into my mouth. Are you really not trying to poison me?”
58. Smoke all you want with Jolt cigarettes.
Because odds are, you won’t have much time in this world anyway. Since your chain-smoking habit will most likely cause you to die from lung cancer.
59. Do you inhale? Smoke Chesterfields.
Man, can’t believe this slogan was used to get people to buy cigarettes since it’s mostly used around pot smoking. Also, the woman doesn’t seem to have much on her.
60. Church toilet seats are always a stunning improvement.
“And it has easy handling so Ray won’t have to struggle putting it down after he pees.” Sorry, but I couldn’t resist.
61. Smoke Phillip Morris the throat tested cigarette.
I think my grandma recently talked about the creepy bellhop guy with the pack. And yes, he kind of belongs in a Stephen King novel.
62. Save money on women’s underwear during the JC Penny Father’s Day Sale.
It’s especially disturbing it has the line, “We have exactly what you need that will satisfy and bring a smile to your father’s face!” It’s almost as if this ad was tailor made for Ivanka Trump. Sorry, but that can’t be helped.
63. Iver Johnson Revolvers are the gun for the housewife left alone at night.
So a woman needs a gun to protect herself whenever someone knocks on the door. Sorry, but if you have to be armed to answer the door, you probably need to see a therapist.
64. Upset that all the thin girls get more attention, then reduce your ugly fat with Ry-Krisp.
What a way to fat shame a woman in public, jerkass? For God’s sake, she doesn’t look that bad and I’m sure some guys would find her attractive despite her weight.
65. Dr. Swift is an expert in health who’ll teach you how to improve your sex life with a fine gentle massage.
Pardon me for reading too into this but this ad comes off as promoting a 19th century sex talk. Because the guy obviously has his hands up a woman’s skirt. Okay, maybe it’s just a doctor exam.
66. Kids are always in the mood for toast and jam.
It’s just the kind of treat for the kid who just came home for torturing the cat. Or the neighbor kid who creepily peaks through your blinds.
67. Have your pooch travel in comfort with the “Bird-dog’s Palace.”
Because nothing shows you’re good with animals like attaching a cage to the side of your car. And having that cage sport barred windows.
68. Lighten the White Man’s Burden by using Pear’s Soap for cleanliness.
Because nothing brings the fresh smell of colonialism and culture superiority like Pear’s. Man, this is epically racist with nods to Imperialism.
69. The Gold Dust Twins are always the right brothers for cleaning.
But they’re the wrong brothers when it comes to promoting diversity and multiculturalism. Seriously, Gold Dust might want to retire their virulently racist mascots.
70. Keep your child safe in the car by tying them down to this safety harness.
Imagine what parents had to do to keep their kids safe in the car before they started requiring seatbelts. Probably won’t recommend it.
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 
Wow- I thought that modern ads were bad! These are awful!