The Timekeeping World of Clocks

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 1, 2016

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As we welcome 2016, I couldn’t think of a better post to start the new year off with than one about a device we use to tell time with. Now clocks have been one of the oldest human inventions to meet the need to consistently measure intervals of time shorter than that natural units such as the day, the lunar month, and the year. Such devices operating on several physical process have existed for millennia starting with sundials, hourglasses, water clocks to our modern digital and atomic clocks. A major advance in timekeeping was the invention of the escapement in Europe in the year 1300 which allowed the invention of first mechanical clocks which used oscillating timekeepers like balance wheels. Spring-driven clocks appeared during the 15th century and between that and the 16th century, clockmaking flourished. The Exploration Age saw the invention of the pendulum clock in 1656 as well as efforts to improve timing accuracy and reliability for the importance of navigation. The first electric clock was invented in 1840 while the 20th century saw clocks with no clock parts at all. Of course, there are plenty of clocks out there since there are people who make their own as a project. And there are some unique clocks that have been produced for the masses. So to open the new year for your reading pleasure, here is a collection of some truly unique clock designs you can’t miss a minute on.

We begin with a rusty Steampunk clock that resembles a fish.

Yes, it almost looks like Captain Nemo could’ve used one like this in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Still, I’m not sure if it reflects Nemo’s decorative tastes.

2. Now this is a clock that’s beneath a Grecian Urn.

Of course, this one was from the mid 1800s, during the time of Emperor Napoleon III of France (don’t ask, it takes a long explanation). Still, probably didn’t come cheap.

3. Now this wall clock comes with some floral decoration.

Now this was probably a DIY project and possibly by a girl. Yes, it’s a frilly clock but it’s quite pretty to say the least.

4. Some table clocks can look like anything. This one resembles a lawn chair.

I’m sure this is fairly small and can be put in a dollhouse. And I’m sure it’s more expensive than a plastic lawn chair. Still, very clever.

5. In this clock, the analog face is a girl’s hairpiece.

Now I think this clock wasn’t built to specifically tell time. And it some ways, it kind of looks either Steampunk or gothy. Yet, since it’s unique, it goes on the post.

6. When it comes to old muscle car headlights in a junkyard, you can give one a new life by making it into a clock.

Yes, it looks a bit rusty. Yes, it can use some red paint. But still, I don’t think I can make a clock like that in a million years. Then again, I probably can’t make a clock, period.

7. Those who enjoy 1980s video games can now wake up with Pac-Man.

This is a 3D Pac-Man alarm clock. I’m sure this wasn’t made in the 1980s. But if you, hit the snooze button, I wonder if Pac-Man will try to eat your head.

8. Now this clock seems to go for a more natural look.

This one is made from a wooden panel and decorated with branches. Not sure if it fits in a hunting lodge. But hey, I like it.

9. Now I wonder whether this clock can tell you when it’s Miller time.

Then again, not sure if I know some of these beer brands. But I think this would be a perfect clock for a bar. Yet, very inappropriate for a venue that sponsors AA meetings.

10. For old clocks, make sure it has the proper gears to work.

Now I guess this is either an antique or some DIY Steampunk creation. For some reason, it kind of reminds me of the movie Hugo.

11. This antique grandfather clock is not impressed.

Now this is the kind of clock you’d expect to see from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. Still, I doubt that this clock has a tale as old as time.

12. Now this is a martini shaker clock is perfect for any cocktail party.

However, I wouldn’t recommend you using to shake James Bond’s martini. It probably has a bunch of parts within. Thus, it’s most likely for timekeeping and display only.

13. This pencil clock will help any teacher start on time in the classroom.

Of course, these pencils look like Papermates, which have shitty erasers. Still, it’s pretty ingenious even if it doesn’t list numbers.

14. Do you sometimes wish that you had a block to tell the time for you?

Looking at this, you’d swear the clock numbers are painted on this black block of wood. Wonder how this works.

15. A clock tower clock? How original.

Though some towns have clock towers, they don’t usually look like this. But this one is suited for indoors and didn’t come cheap.

16. Now this antique clock seems to belong in some rich guy’s hunting lodge.

I think this might be an antique German hunting lodge clock as far as I can tell, I’ve seen a smaller one in vintage postcard. But it looked nothing like this one.

17. This jeweled gold clock is small enough that you can take it wherever you go.

Of course, assuming any of these jewels are real, it’s possible that this clock might cost more than a car. Nevertheless, it’s quite beautiful to say the least.

18. Need a way to tell when Polly needs a cracker? Perhaps this clock will tell you.

Yes, this is a birdcage clock. Yes, the face is on the bottom, which means you’ll have to tilt your head back to know what time it is from this clock.

19. For those who want to know when to bake some bread, there’s an electric mixer clock for that.

Now this mixer looks as if it’s straight from the 1950s. But I don’t think it’s for actual use. Still, love the pink.

20. Of course, mornings are usually the time of say when they go to the Waffle House.

The Waffle House is a breakfast food joint with similar heart attack inducing fare as Ihop. Yet, with a more shady reputation.

21. This sewing machine will help you determine the proper time to hem.

Now this one seems to be a high class replica of those old sewing machines you had to power with a crank. Still, it’s quite nice.

22. This clock has a hand that tells the minute and a slit that reveals the hour.

Now that’s one neat way to tell time. From the face, I can guess it’s about ten after 11.

23. Now this is a watch that will exactly tell you the time of day.

Of course, the letters are all jumbled in this watch. But you get what I mean.

24. In case, you don’t know the time, day, or month, this clock will help you.

Kind of seems like something you’d see in a Jules Verne novel. Of course, we don’t need a clock to tell us the day or the month. We have calendars that do it for us.

25. Of course, some might be partial to peacocks in terms of their clock design.

Now this one seems to have a peacock and his feathers all over this clock. Not sure if I want it, but it’s a rather ingenious design in its own way.

26. Now this timekeeper seems to be made from a slab of wood.

Yes, it looks like it was made from a slab of varnished wood. But keep in mind that analog clocks look easier to make than they really are.

27. Of course, public clocks can always be seen from the side of buildings.

Now this one is said to be from Belgium. Not sure what building it is. But whenever a clock strikes a certain hour, one of these figures jumps out of their holes.

28. Now this clock is sure to tell you when you need to whip out your old kitchen utensils.

I don’t think those utensils will help you in the kitchen. Seems to go well with the previous electric mixer clock I put up. Then again, it’s in the same color.

29. Nothing makes a more beautiful clock face than cardinal in winter.

Now that’s a pretty cardinal and a well painted one, too. Still, this still doesn’t mean that it should be the bird symbol for 7 US states. I mean find a bird more original.

30. For all you music lovers out there, this clock is for you.

Now this one shows the kind of scales and how many sharps and flats you should use. Perfect for any music classroom.

31. Of course, we all remember this old Kit-Cat clock.

Correct me if I’m wrong. But I kind of find this cat’s moving eyes a bit unsettling whenever I see this in movies or cartoons. Why it’s so familiar, I have no clue.

32. On this wall clock, any time is pizza time.

Of course, you can say that for some people. Not sure what to think of this. But it’s unique so it goes on this post.

33. When it comes to waking up in the morning, this alarm clock makes you shoot the snooze button.

Of course, using this alarm clock has been responsible for sleeplessness in Imperial Stormtroopers. Those familiar with Star Wars know that Stormtrooper marksmanship is appalling.

34. Now this is a commemorative clock that’s courtesy of the British Department of Silly Walks.

You have to bet since that famous Monty Python sketch came out, that such a clock would soon exist. Of course, you’d never be able to tell when John Cleese is at his silliest here.

35. For all you space lovers out there, this clock shows the phases of the moon.

Not sure if this clock depicts moon phases by the hour, day, or month. But I’m sure some space nerds would want to get their hands on one if they could.

36. Now this is a digital clock that tells time from a roll of film.

Of course, some of my younger viewers under a certain age (like children) may have no idea that we once used film to take pictures with. And that we had to send that roll away to develop them. And no, you couldn’t preview the picture on your screen because that didn’t exist. You had one shot to get it right and that was it.

37. These old license plates give this clock an interesting face.

Now theses are US license plates. But each one is of a different state and gives a number of the hour. It’s not colorful but it’s cool in its own way.

38. Seems like this clock gives you the time as if it’s keeping score.

The numbers on here are depicted like tally marks. Numbers 1-5 don’t take up much space. But 11-12 certainly do.

39. If you didn’t know how to read a clock, you wouldn’t be able to tell the time by some of these hand signs.

Now the numbers on this clock are depicted as seen in American Sign Language (ASL). From what I can tell on this. it’s about 25 till 8.

40. Now if you have an old lantern that’s obsolete, make a clock out of it.

Wonder if this clock was made from an old railroad lantern. Because it sure looks like it.

41. For the morbid sort, you might want to get the time from this skull.

Of course, this might make some of my viewers squeamish. But I assure you, it’s most likely made out of wood. At least I hope it is.

42. Of course, you can make your own clock from a tree slice, if you find one big enough.

Now from the rings, it seems that this tree was very old when it fell. And it seemed to have suffered from heart rot. So I guess it was going to die anyway.

43. For Captain James T. Kirk, it’s always time to go where no man has gone before.

Now this is a clock depicting the spacecraft you see on Star Trek. I’m sure the 12 o’clock ship is the Enterprise. All the others I’m not so sure.

44. I don’t know about you, but I could’ve sworn that this clock was owned by Salvador Dali at some point.

I don’t know why I suspect it. Perhaps it’s because this clock’s face looks pretty surreal. And we know that Dali was a leading artist in that movement, particularly when it came to melting clocks like this one.

45. Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched?

Now this is a Steampunk DIY clock that’s made to look like an owl. Uses gears, pieces of metal, and CDs. Still, I think it’s pretty cool.

46. I don’t know about you but this clock makes me feel that time is going down the drain.

Yeah, this clock makes it seem that all the hours are in some state of flux like a death spiral. Still, looking at it too long kind of makes you feel dizzy.

47. This pool cue ball clock is sure to delight any game room.

To some, this might be a wonderful work of art. To me, it appears more appropriate decoration for a bar, particularly one with a pool table.

48. A bedazzled alarm clock like this is sure to wake you up in the morning.

I’m sure those gems are fake or this clock would be very expensive. Still, it’s incredibly tacky for my taste. Yet, I do love the diamond ring around the face.

49. This wall clock seems to have time on the ball.

Not sure how this clock works. Does the clear one denote the hour while the red denotes the minute? Or is it the other way around?

50. Now this is the kind of clock that makes a good stove timer.

Well, it looks like an old fashioned stove. Not sure if I want it in the kitchen. But it sure looks so quaint and whimsical.

51. This guy seems happy that he’s arrived just in time.

Now that’s adorable even if it’s more suited for a kid’s room. Also, doubles as a bookcase as you see.

52. When I see this clock, it seems to remind that my time on earth is limited.

I don’t know about you. But I don’t think I’d want to use this clock to count down to my inevitable mortality. Besides, I’ll be 26 in a couple of weeks.

53. With Atomic Age clocks, they can be in almost any shape or form.

Now these clocks come in all kinds of weird variations. But for some reason I like this one the best. Still, interesting taste.

54. I don’t know about you but is this clock watching me or the time?

Now this is creepy as hell. Not sure why someone would make this. Still, certainly wouldn’t want that in my living room.

55. I’m sure this clock helps tell you when it’s a good time to rock n’roll.

Well, this was probably not made from a real electric guitar. Still, I think it would be perfect for any rock n’ roll room.

56. If you want to find the time of day, I suggest you look in this book.

I’m sure there’s a bunch of gears and machinery inside. But it does look like a real book that tells time.

57. I’m sure you’ve seen a clock design like this on your dashboard. Oh, that was a speedometer but you get the idea.

Now this would be perfect for someone who likes cars. Wonder which gauge indicates what. Then again, they each stand for 3, 6, and 9.

58. This clock will certainly be perfect for any bookshelf.

Now this clock does consist of a stack of books together. Wonder if anyone would notice it if you put it within a bookshelf among other books. Probably.

59. For artists in you, this pallet clock will help you decide when it’s time to paint.

I think that pallet might be made from an old vinyl record. But it does look quite classy if you ask me. Love it.

60. Not sure if you can listen to tunes on this record player. But it’ll give you the time of day.

Now this is a record player clock. For a long time people used to listen to music with these things. Vinyl records came with your basic LP and a Singles. This is single. It only has 2 songs on each side.

61. Seems like there’s a tie for every occasion and every hour.

Well, that’s one thing to do with all the neckties your dad doesn’t like. Of course, from here, it’s about 5 till 2.

62. Of course, this is the clock you have if you want to spend every second with the ones you love.

Of course, I wonder if these are real photographs or stock photos. Probably the latter. But some of these kids are so adorable. And I can tell some people might wants this.

63. A wall clock like this will certainly look good hanging in any kitchen or dining room.

I guess this clock was made with some cutlery. I’m fairly sure they’re black plastic. But still, I think it looks quite classy.

64. Now this clock tends to tell time by shifting gears.

Well, it tells the hour and the closest 5 minute approximation. But still, may not be something you’d want in your living room. But it does its job.

65. Now who says you can’t tell the time of day from an old tire?

Yes, this is a tire clock as you see here. Not sure if the tire is flat but I don’t think it matters. Because here it’s just used for decoration.

66. Now I’ve never thought I’d see an analog clock with no numbers or hands.

Now the hands on this clock are lasers. Yes, they’re lasers. Not sure if it’s the future. But it looks pretty neat. Never seen that before.

67. As this clock moves, the more the hands expand, contract, or possibly change color.

Now this is a folding clock as you see here. Its two hands are connected by a cloth that’s different on each side. Not sure if I’d want it. But it’s unique so it goes on this post.

68. Whether it’s sunny or cloudy, this clock tells time in all kinds of weather.

While this is a normal clock, it’s also said to have some qualities of a sundial. See how the light casts a shadow on the numbers and hands.

69. Now this one is a digital clock and tells the time with dominoes.

Now according to this clock, it’s 10:29. Nevertheless, it does give you an adequate description in layman’s terms.

70. This clock seems to look as if its face is out of this world.

Basically this is a clock of our solar system. It’s not drawn to scale. But I’m sure this is the kind of clock Neil Degrasse Tyson would want on his wall.

71. This is outdoor can tell the time as well feed the birds.

Yes, this is a birdhouse clock. And yes, it has a pendulum. Not sure if it’s actually used for birds, but I like the simplicity of it all.

72. Of course, if you know the notes, you can guess the numbers on this clock.

Now the numbers on these are determined by how many beats each note gets in basic 4/4 time. So a quarter note = 1. A half note = 2. And a whole note = 4.

73. Of course, a clock with all the bright colors is bound to brighten your day.

Not sure if all these colors on the clock represent the different colors of the rainbow. But they’re definitely colors you’d certainly see in Lisa Frank.

74. You can make a clock face out of anything, even things you might find at the beach.

As you see, the face is made from driftwood or flotsam and jetsam. The numbers are represented by shells. Nevertheless, wouldn’t mind having this.

75. Now this clock is situated on this lovely painted kettle.

Seems to depict a Roman scene as as I see it. Still, from the gold and laquer on this, I think this isn’t used for the kitchen and is more expensive than an actual kettle.

76. Now this is a clock only mathletes would have in their abodes.

I’m sure you can solve many of these problems since the answers are 1-12 as you go along clockwise. But math nerds will adore this.

77. I’m sure this clock hate’s being referred to of the grandfather variety.

Yes, this is a female clock and it’s an antique as well. Don’t ask me where this came from. I just found this on Pinterest.

78. Clock or paint splat? You decide.

Now that really looks like a splat of paint on the wall. However, it’s probably made from black plastic. Still pretty neat though.

79. I don’t know about you but this looks like it’ll go off any second.

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Relax, it’s a clock. Trust me it’s a clock that just looks like a bomb. And no, I don’t think it was designed by some Muslim teenager in Texas. Seriously, I don’t.

80. Of course, sometimes people just want to have their eggs over easy first thing in the morning.

Now this is a skillet clock with an egg on it. And the hands are a knife and fork. This would be perfect for Rob Swanson from Parks and Rec.

The Brightly Lit World of Lamps

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 30, 2015

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Since humans have discovered fire as a lighting source, we have always tried to use some fixture to contain it or replace it. Of course, for a long time, our ancestors had to make due with torches, and candles. But they did have lanterns and lamps as well. It’s just that genies didn’t come out of them. However, as our interior design tastes so have lamps in terms of not just being a lighting fixture but also a decorative object. Today if you look in a store you’d find that there are so many kinds of lamps such table lamps, wall lamps, floor lamps, ceiling lamps, chandeliers, ceiling fan lamps, desk lamps, and so many more. Some are manufactured from factories. Some are DIY projects. Some are bought to match the room. Some are bought as souvenirs and in their own decorative fashion. But as we all know, all lamps are used to light up a closed space. Now this post will feature all kinds of lamps that many might find either ingenious or incredibly tacky. Yet, each is unusual in its own special way. So for your viewing pleasure, here is a treasury from the brightly lit world of lamps.

Now this is called a “fairy flower lamp.”

Now this looks like a lamp you might find in a little girl’s room. Well, any little girl who has a fascination with pixies and fairies. Still, it’s pretty.

2. This lamp operates on a gear switch.

Now this is one of the Steampunk lamps you might want to see in this post. Not sure if it turns on with a gear switch or not. But I might want to try.

3. Finally, the perfect lamp for coffee time.

Guess this is a lighted little tea pot tall and thin. And it seems like the lights on this go top to bottom. Still, I think it’s quite neat.

4. Now this seems like a futuristic lamp you’d find in Victorian London.

Kind of reminds me of some electric dynamo you’d find some mad scientist’s lab in a Jules Verne story. Still. wouldn’t mind having one of these in my room.

5. Of course, I’m sure this lamp design was inspired by the movie Alien.

Still, I wonder how long for this person to make and assemble this thing. Seems like some parts of this look quite delicate even if it’s made from metal.

6. I don’t know about you, but do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?

Now this is the kind of lamp you can use to make your friends uncomfortable. Of course, you need to hide it in a corner like you do with a security camera.

7. For those wanting to do something with your old rotary telephone, perhaps make a lamp out of it.

Seems like this person stuck a couple light bulbs into this phone with some rewiring. Nevertheless, wonder how you hold this thing.

8. I’m sure this lamp is already blowing its own horn.

Yes, it’s a lamp made from an old rusty French Horn. No, I don’t mean an old French guy’s love machine. I mean an actual French Horn like this one.

9. Sometimes you have to give old license plates a brighter chance.

And I guess that this lamp is from New Mexico. Not sure if I like the yellow on this fixture. Then again, it’s their state flag with numbers.

10. Of course, a Cockatoo lamp sure makes your room a tropical delight.

Now to me this is an epitome to tackiness that knows no bounds. Still, you have to admire the effort. And hey, to each his own.

11. Of course, you can’t have too many lanterns dropping from the ceiling.

Now this is listed as a chandelier on Pinterest. But I’m not sure if I’d necessarily call it that. But still, it looks very pretty.

12. These ceiling lamps are hung with a system of pulleys.

Well, they’re only held up by one pulley and wire. Still, I think it’s pretty cool and ingenious. Quite rustic, too.

13. Now this lunchbox and thermos seem to be headed out of this world.

Of course, these light bulbs seem to make it so. However, it’s kind of disappointing that astronauts don’t have a lunchbox and thermos with rocket blasters.

14. Seems like this lamp is atop a stack of tea cups.

Wait a minute, this lamp is a stack of teacups with a teapot on the base. Nevertheless, seems like something you’d find at Wes Anderson’s house or Lewis Carroll’s.

15. Now this lamp seems like a colorful flame dangling from the ceiling.

Man, I wonder how they made this one. Still, I have to admit even if it’s something that I wouldn’t want in my house, it’s still very cool.

16. I call this one a “lawn sprinkler” lamp. Wonder if it’s great for outdoor summer activities.

Now making a lamp out of a lawn sprinkler, how creative. Still, wonder how it would work if you uses for evening barbecues. Sure would like to see this.

17. Have a broken fan? Why don’t you make it into a lamp?

Of course, it might cool you off. But I’m sure it will help light a room. Besides, after making it into a lamp, you’ll only have to do some rewiring and throw out the blades.

18. Now this is a kind of lamp meant for the Space Age.

However, whether “Space Age” means science fiction or the 1950s or 1960s, I haven’t decided. It’s such a lamp that’s out of this world that you can’t even tell.

19. Now this ceiling lamp seems like it’s hanging with bunch of hangers.

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Well, it’s actually made from a bunch of wooden hangers. Guess someone has more than they need in their closet.

20. For a more old fashioned country feel, I’m sure a lamp like this will suit your fancy.

Now this is made from an old milk tin and some braided rope. It looks quite rustic to say the least. Like it belongs in a barn.

21. Seems like this light bulb is hanging from a rope.

Of course, the wire is within the rope as you can see. But sometimes revealing it can ruin the effect. Nevertheless, it’s quite quaint.

22. For those with more tropical tastes, here are some tiki mask lamps to interest you.

I’m sure these masks are painted on. But for some reason, they look kind of cool. And in 3 different colors, too.

23. Looks like Thor got his hammer stuck in a wall again.

Actually this is a wall lamp of Thor’s hammer. And yes, it’s supposed to look like Thor used it on a wall. Still, what Avengers fan wouldn’t want this?

24. Sometimes you might get the feeling that there being watched by giant eyeballs.

Yes, I know an eyeball lamp is creepy. But such lamps do exist as you can see. Also available in green as far as I can tell.

25. Now I’ve heard of ceiling fan lamps and have a few in my home. Not sure what to make of this.

This is a lamp with couple of electric fans. Now regular ceiling fans have blades that turn around the center. Not sure how this works.

26. Of course, you can make a lamp out of almost anything you find at the hardware store.

As for these parts, I’m not sure if I’ve seen them in a hardware store in my life. The silver spiral thing looks more like a snail to me but I wonder if it’s some sort of pipe.

27. Now this lamp is made from an old washboard.

It’s something people used to wash clothes with before they had washing machines. It’s also used as an instrument for some bluegrass bands.

28. And you think this was used to warm the kettle.

Now this looks like some Steampunk gizmo that I’m not sure even existed. Not sure if I’d even want it in the kitchen. Probably not.

29. For you geology buffs, I’m sure you might like this rock lamp hanging from your ceiling.

Of course, this is made of something that would’ve been used as a glass paperweight if it weren’t for the wire and the light bulb. Nevertheless, it looks pretty cool.

30. Now this lamp surely is all in pink and rich trimmings.

Now this looks like the kind of tacky lamp that you’d see at Downton Abbey. Then again, I’m not sure if any of the lamps there would have a base this one does.

31. Pipes may not be attractive, but you can fit wires through them.

Like how it’s on a base of some wood from a tree. Yes, I know it’s not the most attractive lamp, But you have to admire the craftsmanship.

32. Wonder if this lamp was used in a laboratory.

Now this looks like a lamp you’d find in Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory. Might’ve used something like this to create his “monster” (which wasn’t really a monster). Nevertheless, it’s cool.

33. Seems like this lamp was made from a cheese grater and a colander.

Now this look likes it was made from stuff you’d find at a junkyard. But I bet it brings in a lot of light to a room.

34. Of course, a great lamp base can be an old gas can.

Not sure if that base goes with that lampshade. But from how I see it, it probably won’t go well in my living room. The basement may be a different story.

35. Now this is the kind of ceiling lamp that shows you the science of color.

Now this is a diagram about light and its combinations. Red and green make yellow. Blue and green make cyan. And red and blue make magenta. Put all 3 colors together and you get white.

36. Now this lamp seems to be as pretty as a peacock.

Well, it’s a peacock lamp. And no, it’s not a recent design either. It’s probably from the early 20th century at the latest. But yes, it looks like a tacky lamp you’d find at the Dowager Countess’s living room.

37. Let’s hope that this lamp has all the right circuits.

Yes, the light bulbs are supposed to look like resistors in this. Still, probably more suited for a geekier household.

38. Seems like this lamp has a real spine.

Of course, this lamp’s spine is actual vertebrae that ends with the pelvis. Still, it’s a lamp probably best suited for doctors, particularly chiropractors or orthopedists.

39. Of course, you wouldn’t guess that this lamp was made from an old muscle car headlight.

Now this looks like a nice lamp. Could use a little shine and paint on it. But I like it.

40. This lamp switches on and off with the turn of a knob.

Of course, it’s another one of those gear lamps. Then again, I’m not sure if the knob on the side is a switch after all.

41. Don’t know what it is but this lamp reminds me of a hot iron.

Then again, it’s an iron made into a lamp. Still, the bulbs seem to have some resemblance of being on fire.

42. Not sure about you, but someone must think that pin seashells make great lampshades.

Of course, a seashell lampshade isn’t in my taste. To me, it looks like a tacky souvenir from the beach. Yet, since it’s unique, I’ll add it.

43. If your old fire extinguisher doesn’t work, make a lamp out of it.

Sure, it’s not an attractive lamp and might be quite heavy. But you have to admire this designer’s creativity with this.

44. Now this is known as a “Dragonfly Lamp.”

Now this is probably a Victorian lamp. Why they have a dragonfly one, I don’t know. Of course, the Victorians were as capable of tackiness as we are. Well, in some ways.

45. Of course, there’s no table lamp that has more bling like this one.

And I’m sure this lamp is delicate and doesn’t come cheap. Still, I’d really hate to clean and polish that thing. Really would hate it.

46. If you like marine, may I suggests some jellyfish lamps on your ceiling?

Nevertheless, even if they electrocute you if you’re not too careful, they’re much safer than real jellyfish. Let’s just say, jellyfish can be very poisonous and being stung by one will cause you unbearable agony.

47. This is a lamp from the 1950s whose style was inspired by the paintings of Piet Mondrian.

He was a Dutch painter whose artwork consisted of stuff like rectangles and squares in primary colors. Also, for a time in his life, he sported a Hitler style mustache in some photos.

48. If you want to get more with nature, I suppose this chandelier will suit your fancy.

Now this one consists of light bulbs on tree branches. Bound to scratch some heads of some people. And might make some think you’re a weirdo.

49. Now this gives a whole new meaning to the word, “snake light.”

Now this isn’t a new lamp. But for some reason, I can totally see one of these at Lord Voldermort’s place. Maybe because it’s a snake lamp.

50. As for this lamp, I’d be careful handling that lampshade if I were you.

Yes, this is a very spiky lamp as you can see. Also, another lamp that you’d probably don’t want to clean for obvious reasons.

51. Heard of a projector light? Now see a projector lamp.

Yes, this is a projector lamp made with an actual projector. However, the projector seems to be used more or less as a base.

52. Of course, there are some freaky taxidermy lighting out there. This is a badger lamp.

Wonder why in the hell would anyone make a lamp as freaky as this? Also, that’s really terrible taxidermy near the head. Not sure what to think of the badger here.

53. A lamp like this is guaranteed to help you spring into action.

Yes, this is an actual spring lamp. Of course, it doesn’t make you think of baby animals and flowers. But nevertheless, it’s quite a springy lamp. Yet, one that reminds you of mattresses.

54. Of course, this lamp is bound to make an explosive impression.

Now this is a lamp of a nuclear mushroom. Certainly to make anyone nervous just looking at is strikes fear of total annihilation. Seriously, why the hell did anyone thinks it’s a good idea?

55. For many, a lamp like this is guaranteed to blow their minds.

Then again, there could be worse body part lamps than the brain. But still, unless you’re into this sort of thing, it’s kind of disgusting. Hope it doesn’t belong to a certain “Abby Normal.”

56. From what I read on Google Search, these are called “Moonwalk Lamps” reminiscent of Michael Jackson’s dance moves in the 1980s.

I’m not a fan of Michael Jackson and usually don’t listen to his music. However, I think these lamps are very cool.

57. Of course, nothing gives you the feeling of the beach than a large seashell lamp like this.

Then again, this one is exceptionally tacky with the bare breasted mermaid statue at the base. Still, this is a more outrageous example so it’s going in the post.

58. For some reason, you’d swear a lamp like this might have a mind of its own.

Now this lamp is made from wires and pipes with a light on its head. Yet, it’s shaped like a little pipe figure which is pretty adorable.

59. Looks like old Bessie got herself abducted by some extra terrestrials.

Now this lamp of a cow getting kidnapped by aliens is pure genius. I hope that farmer has other cows before he gets to Bessie the next morning. Love it though.

60. Of course, this might the closest we could get to Aladdin’s magic lamp.

Again, this is an old lamp. But it’s sure a fancy one. Still, I think it would be better without the big part coming from the gold part.

61. “Aaah! “Fra-GEE-leh!” It must be Italian!”

Of course, I couldn’t do a post on this without including this famous leg lamp from A Christmas Story. This is the table lamp version. But at least the box looks like it’s from the movie.

62. Sometimes you can make an alien weapon with basically anything.

Yes, it’s a lamp made by some kitchen implements. But put them together, you either have a satellite or an alien laser death ray.

63. For those who like Space Age designs, here’s a rocket ship lamp.

Now I think this one is from the Atomic Age. But yeah, that rocket seems to appear as if it was straight out of a cartoon.

64. Seems like this guy is pretty busy on the ceiling.

I wonder if that’s supposed to be an astronaut doing a spacewalk. Because if you look closer, it sure looks like it.

65. At one angle, this wooden lamp looks as if it’s on fire.

Of course, this is a perfectly safe lamp because it’s just a bulb inside. And the light is traveling inside it to give the illusion of fire.

66. An airship like this certainly lights up a room.

Yes, this is another Steampunk lamp. But this one is an incredible ceiling one of a blimp that gives a blue light. That’s different.

67. Heard of an IV stand in hospitals. There’s a lamp of that.

Now when I hear the term “medical arts” this will appear in my mind. Yes, it’s kind of freaky. But hey, it kind of looks easy to make.

68. Now you can turn this lamp as much as you please.

As you can see, this lamp was made from a bicycle wheel. Nevertheless, I find it quite dazzling, especially with the lights emanating from all directions.

69. Of course, beautiful things come when your lamp is a stained glass violin.

Not sure whether the violin is real. But I do like the artwork depicting birds and roses on this. Quite lovely to say the least.

70. When you look at these lamps, you could’ve sworn they were made of mineral crystals.

Of course, they’re probably made from those stretchy things you find at as store and made to look like crystals. But the effect is awesome just the same.

71. Of course, this lamp dog just had to relieve himself.

Yes, this is a lamp depicting a dog taking a dump. Yes, I think this one might exist though I wouldn’t recommend you buy it. Still, unusual as it is and hilarious, it goes on this post.

72. Those in the mood for colorful candy fun will sure enjoy some gummi bear lamps.

Yes, these a cute gummi bear lamps as you see here. No, they aren’t edible and are probably much bigger than real gummi bears. But yes, they’re cute.

73. Sometimes you’d wonder what it would be like to have a lit noose hanging from your ceiling.

Of course, having a lamp like this might lead your loved ones to call some local psychiatrist or suicidal hotline. Yeah, that’s in very poor taste. Very poor taste, indeed.

74. Fans of Super Mario Bros. will certainly love a pipe lamp like this.

Wonder if this lamp plays the song to Super Mario Bros. Then again, that game’s music was pretty annoying, anyway. But quite catchy.

75. Of course, some lamps don’t always come in great aesthetic taste. Like this poop lamp here.

I think this might be a real thing. And comes in a can. Still, if your real poop glows in the dark, you might want to see a doctor.

76. Now these are called, “Slap It Lamps.”

Yes, these are butt lamps and they come in so many different colors. I know this is tasteless and crude but these kinds of pictures help my blog. Also, they’re funny.

77. Now this Darth Vader lamp seems to find your lack of light disturbing.

Then again, Darth Vader is squarely on the Dark Side for most of the original trilogy. Also, he’s responsible for killing millions of people. So I think this lamp really doesn’t do him justice.

78. Of course, a bread lamp might help you see your dinner better.

Of course, these lamps aren’t edible to say the least. But they sure look great in that bread basket.

79. Sure it’s not in the best of taste. But your hangman lamp would sure make a great conversation piece.

Now this is just crazy to say the least. Not to mention, inappropriate on so many levels since it features somebody getting killed. Still, it does look easy to make to say the least.

80. Now this squid chandelier might go well with your jellyfish lamps quite nicely.

Now they make quite a few of these. However, I wonder if the Detroit Redwings have a chandelier like this in their dining hall. I mean their mascot is a giant purple octopus.

Vintage New Year Cards in the Days of Auld Lang Syne

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 28, 2015

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Despite that New Years is one of the most celebrated holidays in the world with widespread partying and celebrations, I usually skip blogging about it since it’s so close to Christmas which to me is a much bigger holiday. Not to mention, it’s a time that’s technically still in the Christmas season. And while Christmas is more or less of a holiday for everyone, New Years is more of a holiday for adults. I mean it involves drinking, partying, parades, and a stupid Division I college football tradition that makes absolutely no sense. Seriously, can’t Division I college football adopt a playoff system similar to March Madness? Because every other NCAA sport has their playoffs styled the exact same way. Anyway, when I came across some of these vintage greeting cards, I realized that I couldn’t avoid doing a New Years post any longer. Yes, you might expect people in the olden days to have some tact when it came to greeting cards such as the one above. But you would be wrong. Because this assortment is as weird and crazy as many New Years cards get in the days of old. So for your reading pleasure as shall old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mine, take your time to view these cards from the days of auld lang syne.

Now I wonder whether these gnomes want a glass of wine or some sexual exhibition.

Now I have two questions regarding this card. One, is that woman in the glass naked? Two, why are those guys holding axes and what the hell are they doing with them?

2. Seems like these dachshunds all have a taste for champagne.

Seems like one dog is in the champagne while the other ones are licking the drops. Guess the one in the glass is bound to wake up with a doggy hangover the next morning.

3. Now these two bottles seem to be sharing a New Years toast together. Wait what?

Now these two store alcoholic beverages like wine and champagne, right? And they’re drinking these together, right? So how does this make any sense? I don’t get it.

4. Nothing brings in the New Year like sharing a glass of wine with the moon.

And it seems to me that the moon has had way too many. Either that, or he might be in the mood for something else. Still, its crescent face kind creeps me out.

5. An old New Years tradition for children where there’s snow was to make a barrel snowman.

Of course, these two kids seem like they’re building a snowman to carry on a rampage in a nearby town. And yes, this is to their diabolical intentions.

6. Wishing you a happy New Year from some creepy chimney sweeps.

Yes, these are chimney sweeps, not a group of home burglars in their robbing garb. Still, these guys do seem like they can make out with your jewelry and finer stuff. They also look unrealistically clean, healthy, and happy, too.

7. Of course, at some New Year’s Eve parties, it was possible that a romance could blossom.

However, I’m not sure about this case. I mean the guy here kind of seems like he’s waiting for this girl to pass out so he could have his way with her. That’s just a thought.

8. Nothing says “Happy New Year” like a soulless girl in winter about to throw snowballs at you.

Of course, in case of a snowball fight, Tess always made sure she had a stash of razor blades with her. Because she loved to see the other kids scream in unbearable pain from the snowballs she threw.

9. “Welcome to wish you all to a bright New Year.”

Seems like this person’s idea of a bright New Year is seeing a bunch of winged kids flying on bats in the sunrises. Now that’s just messed up.

10. When it comes to greeting the year 1890, best to throw the 1889 boy in a boiling hot cauldron of soup.

Is it just me or does anybody think throwing a kid into a steaming hot cauldron of soup is disturbing? Also are those legs? Almost makes me want to throw up.

11. May your joyous New Year have a pierrot dressed boy drinking a glass of champagne.

Okay, this boy might give me the creeps. And I have to admit, clowns be quite terrifying as well. Still, I’m sure raising a glass of champagne won’t go well today among civilized society.

12. On New Year’s Eve it’s not uncommon for a snowman and pig to drink to the Man in the Moon.

Of course, the snowman and the pig each brought their own bottle. And I’m sure the pig is going to be totally wasted by the next morning. And he’s on his two hind legs. Yeah, that’s crazy.

13. Of course, New Year’s Eve is also a time when the Man in the Moon also has his fill of spirits.

Wait a minute, the moon can get sloshed? Why hasn’t NASA told us about this? Oh, wait, there is no Man in the Moon. Still, it’s pretty messed up if you think about it.

14. Seems like the Man in the Moon has his own entourage of Star People for this New Year’s celebrations.

Now the concept of the Man in the Moon on these cards is creepy enough. But the star people on this card seem like they’re straight out of some crazy sci-fi film with bad special effects. And yes, they might give you nightmares.

15. When the clock strikes midnight, the old year leaves and the new year begins.

I don’t know about you. But it seems Old Father Time seems to have a lustful eye on this young woman in purple with her hands in a muff. Not to be critical. But he seems a bit of a perv.

16. Nothing says a “Joyous New Year” like being chased by gigantic killer bees.

Well, if I saw a bee as big as that, I’d run for the hills, too. Then again, I’d probably shit myself in the process. Still, I have no idea why someone thought this was a good idea for a New Years card.

17. Seems like the pig sty is a happening place on New Year’s Eve.

Yeah, even pigs are getting wasted on New Year’s Eve for some reason. Not sure why. And there are even a couple dancing on their hind toes. Also, the kid is watching the whole thing.

18. You know it’s New Years, when you see a tuxedo guy sharing a bottle of booze with a snowman.

Of course, he should be lucky to be awakened by kids throwing snowballs than a policeman. Still, wonder how he’s going to feel when he’s awake. Not good.

19. “Looking into things far off….a Happy New Year.”

Okay, does anyone have any idea what the hell a beetle looking through a telescope at the sky has to do with New Year’s? Because I have no idea and think this is freaky.

20. This mutant potato in a fedora wishes you a Happy New Year.

I don’t know about you. But for some reason, I find this rather horrifying to say the least. Not sure if it’s the snide face or the rooted arms.

21. “Wishing you a New Year Jan. 1st.”

Is it just me or does that stork look like it wants to eat that naked cherub baby? Because it kind of looks rather sinister than you’d expect of such a bird.

22. Nothing tells you that it’s New Year’s Day than waking up in the morning with a terrible hangover.

Hey, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve woken up at a home of a complete stranger and right next to a woman he doesn’t know. Still, he sure has a face of “What the hell happened last night?” Yeah, seems to remind me of Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.”

23. Nothing rings in the spirit of the new year than some hot bottle on bottle action.

Makes you wonder what the people who designed this card were drinking when they came up with this idea. Of course, you probably know where this goes.

24. On New Year’s Day it’s said that breaking an old man’s back is good luck.

Not sure if this encourages young people to mistreat the elderly. But still, kids, don’t do this to your grandparents. In fact, I’m not sure why the designer thought a kid mowing his sled on top of an old man was a great idea for a greeting card.

25. Of course, when it comes to New Year’s Eve celebrations, getting wasted shouldn’t just be reserved for the adults.

Of course, if they’re parents had anything to do with their access to alcohol, they’re going to be so busted nowadays. Still, seems like these kids all want some wine. Yeah, this card is pretty disturbing.

26. May you enjoy your New Year’s with a sled pulled by pigs and assisted by a mushroom person.

From Buzzfeed: “Even that bird wearing pants and shoes is saying WTF.” Yeah, kind of explains how I feel about this picture. Probably designed under the influence of powerful hallucinogenic drugs.

27. Nothing rings in the New Year like a smoking man in the moon and some champagne bottles.

From Buzzfeed: ” If you’ve ever had an irrational fear that the Moon is watching your every move, then this is the card for you.” Yes, this card is completely terrifying to say the least.

28. Of course, this naked lady brings in the new year by dumping a glass of wine on a gnome’s head.

Then again, these stupid drunk elves deserve to be pranked. Still, wonder how tiny this naked woman is. Surely she’s bigger than them.

29. Hope this guy sobers enough to wake up before the horse devours his hair off.

Yeah, you know this tuxedo guy has partied hard if he passes out drunk only to wake up with a horse munching on his hair. Of course, it might’ve been worse had he woken up at the other end of the horse.

30. Nothing brings in the spirit of the New Year than cute angels feeding champagne to an inebriated Man in the Moon.

Yes, I know the Man in the Moon was a common motif for the era, but this is kind of creepy. Also, he’s probably totally wasted by this point or once he gets through the bottle.

31. New Years is the time of year when the Man in the Moon can also be seen as a gnome’s ATM machine.

From College Humor: “May the New Year bring you riches in the form of a moon puking up gold coins. ” Now that’s just freaky. No, I don’t think the moon works that way.

32. There’s nothing like it on New Year’s Day than seeing a letter delivered to your home by a creepy child soldier.

I don’t know about you. But if I received a letter from that terrifying moppet, I’d certainly call in to have it checked to see if it doesn’t contain a poisonous white powder. Better be safe than sorry.

33. Happy New Year from the beetle with a branch.

I don’t understand why’d they put beetles on their cards. It just doesn’t make sense. What do these wretched bugs stand for?

34. Wishing you a happy New Year with a card depicting a boy serving dinner and a bottle of champagne.

I don’t know about you. But I think this kid might’ve poisoned something on his tray. Doesn’t have a nice look on his face. Don’t ask me why.

35. Ring in the New Year with some frogs going bowling with shrooms.

You can almost imagine this as an amphibious version of The Big Lebowski. Then again, this is freaky enough, especially with that one frog smoking a cigarette and their tacky pants.

36. Wishing a prosperous New Year from the kids carrying the punch and drinks.

Yeah, making the kids in carrying the drinks for the New Year’s Eve party. That is sure to work out (sarcasm). Seriously, no kids should be carrying anything made of glass or alcohol.

37. Looks like the New Year has just arrived.

Strange and Creepy New Year's Postcards from ca. 1900s-1910s (17)

And it seems to be a baby in a tweed coat, walking with a cane, carrying some luggage, and smoking a cigar. This is just messed up, man.

38. Seems like someone has been partying too much on New Year’s Eve.

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Let’s hope these two people are married and the wife is the designated driver. Because I don’t think the guy looks anywhere sober in this one.

39. Nothing makes ringing in the New Year like two clowns sharing a toast.

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Now the clown at the top is just terrifying and I wouldn’t take a drink from him if I were the female clown. Because a clown is never funny in the moonlight, as Lon Chaney would say. He had a good point.

40. Of course, don’t let your pigs loose from your sleigh or else it’ll upset your pot of gold.

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Yeah, you don’t want to lose your pigs pulling your sleigh of gold and shamrocks (which I more likely associate with St. Patrick’s Day). Still, I don’t know why they used pigs for New Year’s.

41. Of course, you can’t welcome 1906 without mentioning the mushroom people.

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Now I’ve heard about gnomes and fairies on toadstools. But this is ridiculous. Makes me wonder what the drug scene was in Kaiser Wilhem II’s Germany.

42. And look, one of those mushroom people freaks is serving some warm drinks.

Yes, this is as crazy as it sounds. One of them has a ladybug as a pet and on a leash. Seriously, people have been on acid trips during the 1960 that don’t come as freaky as this.

43. On New Year’s Eve parties, even pooches tend to get hammered.

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Wonder if anyone has a recipe to relieve a canine hangover. Not that it matters. But these pooches seem to have partied hard the previous night.

44. Nothing makes a great New Year’s than seeing a kid with flowers, money, 4 leaf clovers and a glass of wine.

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Now this isn’t a bad New Year’s greeting card. But still, that better be grape juice because that boy is certainly not legal. Also, I think he might want to get a new wallet because he’s dropping money everywhere.

45. Not sure if I want to sled down a hill with a bag of gold coins. But this gnome seems happy.

Strange and Creepy New Year's Postcards from ca. 1900s-1910s (22)

Still, this smiling gnome seems terrifying to me for some reason. Yet, I don’t think spilling a sack of gold is very smart.

46. For the homeless bum, staring at the clock till it strikes midnight is all you might need to do.

I know it’s supposed to be funny. But to me, this seems kind of depressing if you think about it. This is especially since they’re waiting until midnight to get drunk.

47. Happy New Year from the naked kid who just made off with the old year guy’s stuff.

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Seems like this baby has made out with a cane, purse, and lantern. And it’s prancing in the snow in the buff. Yeah, it’s ridiculous if you really think about it. But I didn’t design this card. So don’t ask me.

48. Nothing makes your New Year’s bright than a baby giving a toast on a taxidermied cow head.

For one, this seems like this kid’s alcohol addled parents put him there. For what I don’t know. Second, I think that kid will fall off after he drinks that glass of wine.

49. Once again, it seems that the star people are now partying hard on New Year’s Eve with some champagne bottles.

I don’t know about you but I honestly think that these star kids are creepy as hell. Maybe it’s their star heads around their faces. Then again, I’m not sure of that either.

50. Looks like someone spent a little too much time with his drinking buddies on New Year’s Eve.

Wonder what’s going to hurt more for this guy in the morning. Will it be the hangover? Or will it be whatever wounds he sustained by being hit by a broom. You decide.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 21, 2015

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Two years ago, I did a post on vintage Christmas cards that proved to be wildly popular in 2014. And because of that popularity, I decided to do another one, even if it’s so close to Christmas. Now there are plenty of vintage Christmas cards that might make you yearn for the good old days. For instance, this card of a nativity scene would certainly melt your heart with its artistic value despite that almost everyone in it but Balthasar looks way too white. And Jesus looks too old for a 12 day old newborn. Then again, this wasn’t aiming for realism and in Matthew it’s said that Jesus might’ve been a toddler when the magi arrived anyway. Nevertheless, with the exception of Balthasar, if the nativity story was more accurate, everyone should look like they wouldn’t be able to board their plane on time in an American airport. Still, when it comes to sending vintage Christmas cards, you can do worse than sending one with religious connotations. Because there are some cards out there that make you glad you live in the 21st century. And that’s what I’m going to show to you today. So without further adieu, here are some more vintage Christmas cards your grandparents never told you about.

Most of the year, the Big Bad Wolf wants to harass little pigs with intent to eat them. But on Christmas, they’re having a good old time together.

I don’t know about you. But these pigs should know that this is a wolf in Santa clothing. He wants to eat them. But do they really have a clue? I don’t know.

2. “A Happy Christmas and let me scare you while I’m walking my new teddy bear.”

Oh, please God, please let it be just a toy. But from the look on that girl’s face, it seems that bear might be real and it might maul those other two kids. And she’s taking delight in the possibility.

3. “Santa’s sleeping, quick, let’s take some toys before he wakes up.”

Really, kids? Stealing toys from Santa? Then again, the look on their faces might imply that they intend to do worse things. to St. Nick. The big guy better get up and run for it.

4. Hope sausaging this card will give you a merry Christmas.

Okay, what does “sausage a card” mean exactly? Then again, I’m not sure I want to know. Really, it might mean something dirty.

5. Merry Christmas, now watch Santa give this kid a good spanking.

Man, you think Santa’s a jolly old grandpa. But this one he seems like a child’s worst nightmare. Yeah, Santa’s not real nice when it comes to doling out corporal punishment on minors.

6. Merry Christmas from the Snowman family.

Now here’s Papa snowman about to carve a turkey. Now making one requires putting it in the oven at a high temperature. Which begs the question, how was this possible for Mama snowman to pull that off? Also, what’s with the snow cat and the snow bird?

7. Snowman wishes you to a warm and bright Christmas.

Because since he’s now surrounded by candle’s he’s basically trapped. One step out and he’s a puddle for sure.

8. Seems like this guy has messed with the wrong Christmas dinner. Of course, when they say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” they mean it in irony.

Now this is just so fucked up. This guy’s basically living a nightmare. I mean the turkeys, gingerbread man, and ham have basically kidnapped him, put him on a spit, and are now going to cook him rotisserie style.

9. Merry Christmas, courtesy of WWII Nazi Germany.

Yes, that’s a German soldier in the background and it seems like it’s from WWII. But those kids singing carols seem so menacing to me for some reason. Wonder if they’re dreaming of a white Christmas, but with them as the master race

10. Of course, no Christmas card post would be complete without examining the Christmas Eve dreams of a young child named Edgar Allan Poe.

For some reason, it appears this kid is having a nightmare on how the toys might be ganging up on him. That Jack-in-the-Box with the flaming hair is especially terrifying to me. And he seems to be rising from a grave.

11. “May your balls be kept out of the rough! Merry Christmas!”

This would make a great one for Tiger Woods since he’s a professional golfer. But I’d change the saying to, “May your balls be kept in your pants!”

12. “Christmas joys be thine.”

Now this is quite freaky. Seems like this pig is walking upright with human hands and is wearing clothes. She’s also using binoculars and carrying a book. Wonder how, oh, I don’t want to know.

13. Merry Christmas, now watch Old St. Nick strike a kid tied to a tree.

Is it just me, or did our ancestors view Santa as a much darker figure than we do today? I mean he’s about to beat a kid who’s tied to a tree. How can you get more messed up than that?

14. “Tis Christmas, dear,/I hope you’ll see,/The joys of Kewpies/On your tree.”

Seriously, those Kewpie dolls are absolutely creepy. I wouldn’t want one anywhere near my house, let alone on a Christmas tree. Also, that girl’s like, “I’ll hug em’ and squeeze em’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” Gah.

15. Have a festive Christmas as you watch the pinecone guys dance with a sugarplum, candle, and heart cookie.

On second thought, that dance looks like a creepy cult ritual than anything. Doesn’t help that the pine cones have creepy looking faces with gray hair and bears. And the sugar plum looks demonically possessed. This looks like something from nightmares.

16. Merry Christmas greetings from the partying dogs and monkeys.

I don’t know what that monkey is doing with that dog near the chandelier. But it doesn’t look good. That one monkey and dog on the couch seem to have a lively conversation, on the other hand.

17. So I guess these are Scottish dogs, I reckon.

Upright dogs playing bagpipes in plaid. Now I haven’t seen that before. Makes me wonder whether this designer was on too much whiskey or hashish.

18. A Merry Christmas from the kids and the dogs.

Now the siblings in this look rather terrifying to say the least. But my attention is with the dog leading the other dog on the leash. Seriously, what does that mean? And how does that happen? Because that looks so fucked up.

19. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a dapper rich kid whipping hopeless victim to the wall.

Yes, this is a Victorian card and that boy in the coat is obviously an entitled brat. But that’s not going to help the poor boy’s case, especially when it comes to an umbrella.

20. Merry Christmas, courtesy of good old St. Nicholas, from your nightmares.

For the love of God, I have no idea what’s up with the Germans. It seems to them, that Santa Claus is a shadowing figure bringing toys for the good children while murdering the bad ones in their sleep.

21. Aw, looks like this polar bear and walrus are great friends.

On second thought, that polar bear is looking at the young walrus like it’s a nice chunk of meat for Christmas dinner. The walrus better get out and dodge before the polar bear plans to pounce on him.

22. “May yours be a joyful Christmas.”

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same about this dead bird. Now I wonder why anyone would think it’s a good idea to stick a dead bird on a Christmas card. Is it meant to be ironic to Victorians with a sick sense of humor? Because it totally kills the joyful mood.

23. Let’s see if these Soviet satellites can compete with Santa and his magical space horses.

As you can guess, this is a Soviet Era Christmas card during the Space Race. Because American Santa would be racing with a sleigh of reindeer. But this is just a crazy card nonetheless.

24. Be nice to Santa this year, kids, because he seems to be in a grumpy mood.

Because this year, Santa’s sleigh team went on strike and wrecked his sleigh. So now he’s stuck with this. So be extra good for Christmas this year, kids. Because Santa’s really grumpy.

25. Nothing says “Merry Christmas Greetings” like two gambling pigs playing farkle.

Wonder what these pigs are betting on. Are they gambling to determine which one goes in the oven? Or are they just playing for kicks? Hard to say.

26. “Okay, you ungrateful brat, here you go in my sack.”

Despite the card saying, “Loving Christmas wishes,” it seems that Santa Claus has resorted to child abduction. No word on what the boy’s parents have to say about his sudden Christmas Eve disappearance.

27. Of course, when the toys come alive and surround your bed on Christmas, it can be an unsettling experience, indeed.

Yeah, if I were that kid, I’d be scared shitless, too. Not sure if I’d cling to my bed at the sight of them. Then again, this child will probably not get up the next morning with clean underwear.

28. Nothing says Christmas like a frog dancing with a beetle on the beach.

Now this is freaky on so many levels. Even freakier is the fly playing the tambourine. Now frogs eat insects, right? I think so. Still, this card had to be made on drugs, which is the only sensible explanation.

29. Hey look, there’s Santa with his sack of toys. Wait a minute, those are children!

Yes, those kids look terrifying. But this card implies that Santa is kidnapping children for God’s sake! Seriously, that’s pretty insane if you think about it. And terrifying to say the least.

30. Merry Christmas, courtesy of the Abominable Snowman and Sasquatch.

Seems like Bigfoot and the yeti are in a fight to the death this winter. And it seems the squatch is digging his claws into the Abominable Snowman. But who will win remains to be seen.

31. “Wishing you a Merry Christmas and we are hoping to see your face again soon.”

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Uh, guys, I hate to break it to you. But I don’t think Dave is coming back after falling in the frozen lake like that. Well, unless someone pulls his feet and tries to save his ass. Which is what none of you are doing.

32. “Freeze, Santa, your toys or your life!”

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Something tells me that these children have been very bad this year and don’t like how Santa didn’t visit their homes. So they came in retaliation to steal his sack of toys.

33. This Christmas, it’s time to get kinky with the Krampus.

Now this looks pretty messed up to say the least. Is he trying to punish this woman? Or is that just the way he likes to make love? Also, what’s with the golden handcuffs?

34. Now here is the Krampus morbidly showing off a child he drowned.

Now that’s just scary beyond all reason. Yeah, I wonder what the Krampus did to that kid. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

35. Sometimes Krampus and St. Nicholas like to carpool on the town to pick up chicks.

Okay, so that’s what they mean. For some reason, the ladies don’t seem to mind so much. But from St. Nick’s face, he doesn’t seem to have good feeling about this.

36. “Sweet Adelaide, would you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Krampus?”

Adelaide, no, don’t do it. Please for the love of God, don’t do it. Sure he may be a lonely Krampus, but it’s not like Beauty and the Beast. I swear it’s not.

37. Of course, when it comes to Krampus kidnapping the parents, the kids don’t seem to mind.

Yes, kids, it might be fun and games to frolic around the Krampus. But it’s over when he goes after and kidnaps you. Seriously, it’s not fun at all.

38. A happy Christmas to you from the kindly robin.

Uh, do these birds look like berry eaters to you, kindly robin? Because the beaks sure don’t look like it. Still, this is kind of freaky if you think about it.

39. Apparently there wasn’t enough rat to go around at the cat house.

Seems like Paw Paws got to the mouse first. But the other cats aren’t happy with it. Yeah, this dinner is really not going to end well. I’d be most scared of the one in the dress.

40. Nothing says Christmas like a clown coming up to a cop with a red hot poker.

Yeah, this clown is incredibly terrifying enough to murder you in your sleep. Still, he should know better than to mess with a cop, even if it’s a British bobby. This won’t end well for the clown.

41. Seems like these beetles are playing cricket.

Now this is just weird. Would’ve made more sense if it was the Beatles playing cricket. Still, how in the hell does this have to do with Christmas? And why does it exist?

42. Seems like the Pine Cone guy wants to wish this little girl in pink a Merry Christmas.

From Life in the Land of the Ice and Snow: “Don’t shake his hand, Little Girl! Don’t do it! There’s something off about this guy. I saw him on the subway last week. Stay away!” Yeah, why the hell would think this image was a good idea. Seems like the guy is about to whisk the kid away in his windowless carriage.

43. Yes, Santa will surely see you when you’re sleeping.

Now seeing Santa watching a girl sleep is pretty creepy. Still, whatever his thoughts are, they can’t be good. Not sure about hanging dolls on the tree either.

44. Of course, kids, if you want to see Santa looking out the window is your last chance.

I don’t know about you but Santa seems to have a sinister look in his face. And I think it’s freaking out one of the kids if you ask me. Yeah, they might want to stay away from the window.

45. Seems like Susie got just the doll she wanted.

From loaded hips: “I don’t think there’s enough going on here. I think we better add a floating pretzel and donut. That’ll really drive it on home.” Still, the Santa watching the girl doesn’t seem right as far as I’m concerned.

46. Looks like Santa Claus has been drinking too much egg nog.

Uh, Santa, I think you’ve had enough to drink. Seriously, you need to stop. This is how you ram your sleigh into little old ladies. Just so you know.

47. Nothing says Christmas than a scantily clad woman flirting with Frosty the Snowman.

Of course, Frosty is trying to get the nerve to tell her that this relationship isn’t meant to last. Because come spring time, he’s destined to be nothing but a puddle of water with his attributes.

48. Seems like a toy soldier has gotten into a fight with a pine cone guy.

Yeah, nothing says Christmas like fighting over a candy or possible explosive. Of course, both seem to be quite terrifying and nightmare inducing if you ask me. But that’s beside the point.

49. Beetle wishes gnome a merry Christmas.

Actually it kind of looks like the beetle wants to eat the gnome for Christmas dinner. Yeah, he’s not going to last long it seems.

50. Nothing says Christmas like a bunch of birds lining up with torches in their wings.

They card says, “May All Jollity Lighten Your Christmas Hours.” However, that doesn’t explain why all these birds look so militant. As if they were about to group into a mob to kill a neighborhood cat. Oh, that explains it.

Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 19, 2015

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Me with my mom, dad, and sister Molly at KDKA in 2007 for my Hometown HiQ appearance. It was my senior year in high school when my team ended up in the semi-finals and won $2,000 for our high school. This image might’ve appeared on my family Christmas card that year.

Of course, we all receive bad Christmas gifts at least once in our lives. I myself have received some body lotion in my teenage years that I haven’t had any use for. However, when it comes to giving presents, it tends to be very hard to find the perfect gift that you can afford. This is especially true when it comes to giving something to my sister who tends to the finer things in life and I’ll leave it at that. Then you have my dad who can be rather hard to buy for some years since he’s a guy. Luckily, I’m fortunate enough to have a gift list that only includes 5 people. Nevertheless, while finding a gift for someone can be rather nerve-wracking, determining what doesn’t make a great gift is fairly easy. And let’s just say, most of the gifts I’m about to feature in this article are clearly gifts that the people on your list really don’t want for Christmas. Nor would you want to receive any of these yourself. Now there are some gifts people don’t want like scales, neckties, outdated gadgets, bad movies, fruitcake, or what not. But listing those ideas would be boring and won’t glue you on this post for long. So instead, I list some of the more outrageous gift ideas of things you didn’t know you didn’t want. You know stuff that’s so terrible, offensive, insulting, unnecessary, or inappropriate that it’s unintentionally hilarious. That is when it comes to someone else this Christmas, anyway. So without further adieu, here are some gifts I strongly suggest you avoid giving your loved one for Christmas. Also, some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

Kitty Carpet Reusable Downstairs Toupee

And I thought head toupees for bald men were stupid enough. Now they have one for pubes. As if shaving your pubes isn’t a stupid idea already. A pube toupee is even dumber than that.

2. Accu‑Measure Fitness 3000 Personal Body Fat Tester

From Refinery29: ” Seriously? Fancy perfumes, designer handbags, luxurious chocolates — there are so many delightful presents in the holiday-gifting palette. So, why would anyone choose the one that says, ‘Watch that holiday weight gain, cakey’?” Yeah, they have a point.

3. Willy Warmer

Because what the man in your life really needs this winter is a snug for his junk. After all, he doesn’t want his genitals to freeze. Then again, why would a guy need this if underwear and pants do the trick just as well?

4. Cyber Clean Putty

Think about it as silly putty but it’s meant for cleaning your cell phone, computer, and other electronics. Yeah, loads of fun with that (sarcasm).

5. Hobo Tool

Handy for the times when you’re a homeless bum who’s always on the move and on a budget. Beats having to use rusty tools you found in junkyard for cutlery doesn’t it?

6. Achoo! Pepper Mill

Now you enjoy freshly ground pepper on your food coming straight from a giant, plastic disembodied nose. Sounds kind of disgusting, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is.

7. Extreme Chores: Motioned Controlled Video Game

Now you can enjoy all the fun of racing against the clock doing yard work, doing dishes, raking leaves, and cleaning the litter box. Makes doing household tasks fun for the whole family. Available on Ninentdo Wii.

8. 23andMe DNA Testing Kit

From Refinery29: “Despite all the chair-throwing and sexy moms, we’ve always felt our family holidays didn’t resemble an Maury episode enough. Enter, 23andMe’s DNA home-testing kit. Enjoy that holiday family-togetherness vibe while you still can, because with this gift, you might be just one saliva sample away from ‘You are NOT the father.'” Seriously, do you really want being home for the holidays to be like Maury? I don’t.

9. Spaghetti Fork with Rotating Head

Finally, a fork designed for specifically eating spaghetti. Just turn it on and see your fork twirl the noodles around it. Funny, I’ve been eating spaghetti for years and turned my regular fork to get the same result.

10. Bestow Wall Mounted Vase

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Ah, nothing like a disembodied hand carrying a fresh bouquet of flowers from a wall. Reminds me of something you’d see in a horror movie.

11. Poopy Time Fun Shapes

Finally, a toy that makes toilet time so much fun. Now they can stick these up their asses and make adorable shapes as they do a No. 2. Has received 2 thumbs up from the late Billy Mays himself.

12. Toilet Teapot

The kind of pot for when you have tea time but are sitting on the porcelain in the smallest room in the house. Has lovely floral decorations.

13. Onion-Chopping Goggles

From Refinery29: “In holiday gifts, versatility is key. These handy kitchen goggles in lady-friendly pink are just the thing for when you get thrown in a gulag on onion-chopping detail again — or when outfitting your rap crew for a Mariah Carey remix video.”

14. Flashing Wine Glass

For the times when you throw a house party at night but can’t decide whether to theme it as a disco or a rave. Yeah, these are quite tacky to say the least.

15. GAMAGO Spray Can Projection Clock

The kind of clock you use when you need to know what time it is in the dumbest way possible. Seriously, who’s ever heard of getting the time from an aerosol can?

16. Coffin Couch

For those who think, “I wish my living room looked just like walking into a funeral parlor.” Still, I doubt that most funeral homes have a couch made from one of their fancy boxes for dead people.

17. Enlighted Bra

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Finally, a lingerie item that provides bust support, lets you see in the dark, and helps you get noticed like a stripper at a rave. Yeah, not sure if I want any light up lingerie. That’s just too much.

18. Poo-Pourri

It’s the kind of spray you use before you go to the bathroom so you don’t leave a stink. Comes in a variety of scents like Call of the Wild, Deja Poo, No. 2, Poo La La, Royal Flush, Trap-a-Crap, and Secret Santa.

19. Underwear Safe

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They’re the kind of tidy whitey underwear where Walter White might keep his meth money while traveling. Yeah, I’m sure nobody would want to touch those Benjamins after where they’ve been.

20. Home Stripper Pole

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Finally, a way to exercise that makes your kids think you’re “training to be a firefighter.” And a workout routine that might help you earn a living dancing on tables.

21. Life Gem Memorial Diamond Ring

Because nothing says, “I love you” than giving your girlfriend a ring with a diamond made from the ashes of your dead grandma. If my boyfriend asks me to marry him, he should just stick to a normal-sized diamond. A LifeGem one is just too disturbing.

22. Cell Mate Cell Phone Earpiece Holder

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Now you can make phone calls on your cell in a way that leaves your hands free on the wheel. Too bad getting a bluetooth would’ve saved you a lot of embarrassment.

23. iPanties

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Now these slip crotch panties have a feature that allows you to slide to unlock. Sorry, fellas, I was just kidding. Still, wouldn’t want to receive these from my boyfriend for Christmas.

24. iCarta iPod Toilet Paper Holder

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Now you can listen to your iPod music as go on the pot and in speaker mode. Then again, it might be cheaper just to listen to your music while you’re wearing headphones on the throne.

25. Steak Brander

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Because a grillmeister always has to give his meat his own personal signature. Seriously, is branding your steak really necessary? Seriously, why?

26. Mobile Back Massage

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Not sure if it’s effective against back pain. But I think it will be great for a Ninja Turtles Halloween costume. Seriously, it looks too much like a turtle shell to take seriously.

27. Goatee Saver

From The Telegraph: “A very good idea disguised as something that looks very stupid.” Guy has to bite into a plastic template in order not to mess up his goatee. I’ll let you figure out how stupid it is for yourself.

28. Beer Scented Candle

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Because nothing makes your home smelling fresh like a candle giving off a fragrance that makes it smell like a bar. Yeah, pretty much the same reason why I thought a Haymitch scented candle was utterly ridiculous.

29. Sing Along Tongs Silicon Tipped Cooking Tongs

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Now you can sing along while cooking in the kitchen while annoying the shit out of the whole family. Yeah, nothing more fun than tossing your salad while getting on your family’s nerves.

30. Retro Phone

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When you want to have wireless communication while wanting to hold your phone the old fashioned way. Some might call this being ironic. I call it idiotic.

31. Smoking Mittens

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The kind of mittens that allow people to light up outside in the cold while keeping their hands nice and warm. Of course, you could save money and years of your by just quitting smoking. Also, might encourage clothing fires or kill you.

32. Candy Kitten Crap

Sure these candies might taste pretty good. However, by the shape of them, you wouldn’t know it. Still, a pretty gross concept if you think about it.

33. Hairy Leggings

Great for wearing when you really want to get out of a second date with the guy who was mean to the waiter on the first one. Am I right, ladies? Probably better if you just don’t shave.

34. Dead Fred Pen Holder

The kind of pen holder that makes your co-workers think that a. you moonlight as a serial killer, b. you have a sick sense of humor, or c. both a and b. Yeah, doesn’t look appropriate for a desk.

35. Coal Candy

Yes, enjoy the great taste of being bad for Christmas. Also, tastes like suffocating air pollution responsible for deadly smog attacks, carbon emissions causing climate change, and harmful acid rain. Enjoy.

36. Toothpaste Tube Wringer

Now your friend can use all the toothpaste in the tube before he or she has to buy more. Basically a way to tell them how much of a cheapskate they are.

37. Shove It Pen Holder Set

Yes, nothing says professionalism at the office than having your pen stuck up inside a rear end with a chain. Might be a subtle way of a co-worker saying what asshole you are.

38. Ab Enhancer

For the guy who wants a beach bod but has a work ethic akin to George Costanza. And they don’t mind wearing a grill for several minutes a day either.

39. Toilet Bank

Helps teach kids the value of saving money while putting their weekly allowance down the toilet. But only because this bank is shaped like a commode.

40. Bacon Lube

The kind of personal massage oil and lubricant for a man who likes to smell like a crispy pig in the sack or breakfast. Honestly, does anyone in their right mind would be sexually aroused by the smell of bacon? Seriously, why?

41. Fish Deboning Playset

Hey, kids, learn how to gut and debone a fish. It’s fun. Yeah, just the kind of toy to freak out their parents.

42. Chalk Outline Guy Blanket Throw

Now this blanket is guaranteed to make anywhere in your living room look like a crime scene investigation. Well, a televised crime scene investigation anyway. They don’t do chalk outline guy in real life.

43. Big Ox Oxygen

For the low price of $5, you can give your loved one a bottle of air to breathe in. Then again, $5 is a high price to pay for something you already get every day for free.

44. Family Blankeez

Because nothing makes family togetherness more worthwhile than sitting on the couch sharing a whole snuggie. Holds up to 8 people. Seriously, this is just plain weird to me.

45. Campfire Cologne

Because anyone should be able to smell like you’ve spent a night with smoke blowing in your face. Not to be confused with Burning Building Cologne.

46. Moose Poop Necklace

Because nothing says romance than receiving a moose turd on a gold chain from your boyfriend. Seriously, this has to be one of the shittiest jewelry present ever.

47. Lipstick Hip Flask

From Refinery29: “Prediction: The woman who thinks a lipstick-shaped flask is cute is also waiting eagerly for Sophie Kinsella’s next novel.” By the way, Sophie Kinsella is a chick lit author best known for her Shopaholic series.

48. Gold Rush Dirt of the Month Club

Nothing makes a great gift than having different kinds of dirt sent to you on a monthly basis. I’m sure some of the dirt they send you can easily dig up for free. This is stupid.

49. Eyeglass Lights

Helps you see in the dark at night while losing all your sense of dignity. And it makes this guy look like he’s had one restraining order too many.

50. Dashboard Eyeball Wiggler

Now this looks like a great dashboard decoration. For Halloween. Other times a year it might make people think you’re a sicko. And that fez might offend some Shriners.

51. Betty Beauty Hair Dye for Pubic Area

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Okay, why would anyone think of dying their pubes? Nobody’s going to see them other than people in the locker rooms or your significant other. I don’t understand it.

52. Gangster Cheese Grater

If the gift receiver’s Italian, he or she is bound to either really like it or think it expresses a very offensive Italian mafia stereotype. Maybe both. So I wouldn’t risk it.

53. Giant Microbe Plushies

Ah, yes, kids, cuddle up with an adorable microscopic plushie representing something that might kill you or make you sick. Range from fatal diseases, STDs, parasites, body cells, and others.

54. Heaven Travel Kit

Now you can reserve a spot in Heaven and eternal life with this travel kit. Contains letters, forms, ticket, certificate, and travel guide. Sorry, but I don’t think getting isn’t like reserving a spot on a plane. This is probably a joke.

55. Bluetooth Unisex Gloves

Because talking to your friends looks way less crazy this way. Then again, it’s sure to make people think that you might need psychiatric help.

56. Life Countdown Watch

This Christmas, give the gift of impending mortality (that also comes fitted with a comfy wrist strap). Costs $79.99. For some reason, I think this is either a joke or a shameless ripoff.

57. Beard Bells

From Refinery29: “On the bright side, you can hear any fool who chooses to wear these coming from a mile away.” I’m sure these will be annoying as hell and hard to get off once the fun is over.

58. Desktop Drum Set

From Refinery29: “For when you’re just one spot away from earning the title of ‘World’s Worst Coworker.'” I have a friend who was a drummer in high school. He may enjoy this but that doesn’t mean I’d recommend anyone give it to him.

59. 360 Degree Mirror

From Refinery29: “Handy for developing insecurities about the one spot on the back of your head you never noticed before!” Totally don’t need this in my life. Got enough insecurities to worry about already like social skills.

60. Individualized Beverage Warmer

From Refinery29: “A passive-aggressive way to tell someone that you think it takes them way too fucking long to drink their coffee.” I’ll say.

61. The Fizzics Beer System

From Refinery29: “Ever wished your $2 beer tasted like a $3 beer? Here is a thing that costs $170 that will make your dreams a reality!” Then again, you could just save more money with buying $3 beer. It’s cheaper than that.

62. USB Typewriter Keyboard

Think of it as a typewriter for the digital age that you can use with your iPad. But you can also do spell and grammar checks with it as well. Kind of like what you do with a computer.

63. Hoverboard with Bluetooth Speaker System

From Refinery29: “This hoverboard comes with a speaker system so you can announce to the entire world that the village douchebag has arrived.” Costs $674.99 or a massive waste of money.

64. Wireless Eye Massage

From Refinery29: “Not sure about you, but there’s nothing soothing sounding about an ‘eye massage.'” Costs $149.99 so not worth it.

65. Gift of Nothing

Yes, nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the person who has everything than a ball of nothing costing $9.99. Could’ve been cheaper if you made it yourself. Or just come with nothing.

66. Stress Buster Desktop Punching Ball

From Refinery29: “You managed to fool HR’s personality test — don’t blow it now by violently punching a mini hot-air balloon every time your boss walks by.” Yeah, probably not the best way to deal with stress at work.

67. Grandma’s Last Christmas Tree Scented Candle

Perfect for anyone who wants their living room to smell of apples, cinnamon, and creeping mortality. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

68. Hand Fitness Trainer

It’s like a fitness trainer for your hand. Not sure how this works. And I’m not sure if I want to know.

69. Menu Wine Tote

It’s like if a tote bag and a box of wine got together and had a baby. But this is more classier than boxed wine. Not sure if that might lead people to think you have a drinking problem.

70. Rox The Eternal Ice Cube

Refinery29: “Sure, they water down your whiskey, but what ice cubes don’t do is chip your teeth when you’re knocking back a stiff one.” These look more like, well, rocks so to speak.

71. Teddy Bear Lamp

Yes, parents, nothing lights up a child’s room while traumatizing them at the same time than a lamp of a decapitated teddy bear. Sure to send any small child for a lifetime of psychotherapy. That or have nightmares.

72. Tampon Flash Drive

I don’t know about you. But when a woman is on her time of the month the last thing she needs is to not be able to tell the difference between her tampons and her flash drives. Don’t want to make a mistake flushing these down the toilet.

73. BluePrint Excavation Cleanse

From Refinery29: “When you truly, deeply care about your loved one’s toxic colon, give them BluePrint’s signature Excavation Cleanse. Excavation’s refreshing green juices and agave-sweetened lemonades promise an internal deep-cleaning that ‘takes you much deeper, so you can finally unearth those crayons you ate when you were three.’ Wait a minute — juice and crayons? It’s DOUBLE PRESENTS, people!”

74. Anti Sag V-Line Chin Sauna Mask

Now this might be an anti-wrinkle beauty treatment mask. But to me it’s a mask perfect for anyone who plans to dress up as a sexy Hannibal Lecter for Halloween.

75. Grayson Perry Scrotal Sack Handbag

From Refinery29: “We’re really, really sorry about this one, people. NOPE, it’s not a Fendi, Hermès, or Mulberry. This is a Grayson Perry original, made by the British artist as a one-off gift for a friend (presumably not a frenemy). Thus, we’d like to nominate this jingle-bell-festooned “sac” as history’s worst gift. Worse than the Trojan Horse and small-pox blankets combined. Thankfully, Perry has no intentions of ever producing another, despite a flood of requests. And, that, dear readers, is our gift to you.”

76. Fifty Shades of Grey Charm Bracelet

Let me give you a word of advice for my male viewers trying to think of what to give to their female significant other: Just because she might want a Fifty Shades of Grey charm bracelet, doesn’t mean you should get one for her. Keep that in mind and give her a Hunger Games bracelet instead.

77. Touchscreen Leather Gloves

From Refinery29: “Perfect for the on-the-go techie who hates unsightly screen smudges and maybe does a bit of murder on the side.” Was thinking the same thing myself.

78. Spanx Skinny Britches

From Refinery29: “What it says: ‘Whoa there, lady, you really went crazy on the mince pies this yuletide season, didn’t you? Don’t worry, you can squelch up the fat in these bad boys.’ Control pants are fine to buy for yourself, but never okay as a gift. Same applies to anti-aging moisturisers, acne treatments, and fitness DVDs.” Agreed.

79. Gun Lamp

From Huffington Post: “The Bill of Rights not only guarantees the right to bear arms, but it allows Americans the right to have lamps with gun-shaped bases. Regardless of where your views fall in the gun rights battle, it’s safe to say there are many Americans who would love to use this for target practice.” Let’s just say I would never want this to be in my living room. No way in hell.

80. Old Man Peeing Liquor Beverage Dispenser

When it comes to great tasting liquor, some think there’s nothing better than having it from an old man’s genitalia. Of course, I’m not one of these people who thinks the slogan, “Urine for a treat” is appealing.

81. Sandal Socks

Guaranteed to keep your feet warm and your virginity intact (if you haven’t lost it already). But it’ll cost you all your sense of dignity.

82. Slicey the Pig Dashboard Wiggler

Now this just look so fucked up for God’s sake! Seriously, the pig is basically cutting itself in half and doesn’t seem upset about it. Also, it’s eyes are terrifying. No, don’t put this on your car, ever.

83. Car Eyelashes

Enhance your car’s beauty for $32.99 with these lashes to fit on its headlights. Okay, this is just a waste of money. Not to mention, they’ll look pretty stupid on your pickup truck or SUV.

84. Portable Body Scale

As if you thought a regular bathroom scale was bad enough for a gift. This one makes you insecure about your weight when you’re on the go. Yeah, makes you think twice before eating that burger does it?

85. Vibrating Sauna Pants

Man, they still have these and now in a bright orange updated version. Simply adjust the temperature and experience the hot feeling of your sweaty underwear year round.

86. Neckline Trainer

From the Guardian: “Available at all good pseudo-scientific retailers, the Neckline Trainer is a great gift for people who believe that two minutes a day nodding on springs will ‘dramatically reduce the appearance of a double chin’. ” Yeah, I’m sure that’s going to work (sarcasm).

87. Toilet Roll Puzzle

Now this is the kind of gift for someone you hate. Watch the fun, games, and underwear stains as people try to work out how to wipe their ass. Make sure you read the instructions before you hand it over (heh, heh).

88. Which Wittchedy Grub?

Oh, great just the kind of candy everyone wants. Chocolate maggots. Disgusting. Then again, can’t be as bad as crunchy frog, ram’s bladder cup, cockroach clusters, and spring surprise.

89. Marijuana Home Test Kit

Well, if it’s legal, then testing positive won’t be a problem. If not, then you’re basically screwed. And yes, you wouldn’t want to show this to the cops.

90. USB Humping Dog

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It’s supposed to be a dog humping USB port. Yeah, it’s supposed to look like it’s humping your computer if you plug it in. Yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous.

91. Teatanic Tea Infuser

Yes, you can now have a replica of a famous ocean liner that hit an iceberg in 1912 and sank into the North Atlantic leaving over 1,500 people dead. Yeah, seems pretty mean if you ask me.

92. Handerpants

Yes, these are underpants for your hands. Don’t ask me why these exist. I wasn’t the one who thought about these.

93. Undercap

Goes well with Handerpants and will make you look even more stupid. Who the hell thinks of these things I have no idea. Seriously, why?

94. Knife Holder Man

Hmmm…..just what I need in the kitchen. A guy to stick knives in which would freak out the kids. Now why did they think this was a good idea? This is just disturbing if you ask me.

95. Canned Unicorn Meat

Looks more like ground meat in glitter. Not sure if the meat is fit for digestion. Disgusting and unappetizing if you ask me.

96. Wake & Bake Dream Griddle Alarm Clock

Might be a great way to wake up to breakfast in bed in the morning. But then you realize someone has to cook the eggs and pancakes. So I wouldn’t recommend this for people who live alone.

97. Animal Modesty Panels

From Refinery29: “Nothing says, ‘Cover it up, Sister Wife’ like a convenient 3-pack of modesty panels!” I think I’d stick with exposing my cleavage than covering it up with tacky animal prints. That’s just stupid.

98. Vino 2 Go

From Refinery29: “Name me one scenario in which a cupholder-sized “Vino2Go” is advisable.” That’s an excellent point. I mean you obviously can’t drink from it while you’re driving. That would get you a DUI. Then again, if you have to have wine on the go, you might need an intervention.

99. Work Boot Personalized Stocking

Because why should you let boys hang their sissy looking Christmas stockings at the fireplace this year? This is the kind of stocking that’s for real men. Looks like some Hummer driving dad isn’t secure with his masculinity.

100. Hobbit Feet Slippers

Because in order to be a big fan of Middle Earth, you have to walk around in a hobbit’s shoes. And since hobbits don’t wear them, you have walk around in slippers of big hairy feet. Gross.

SantaCon Costumes Are Coming to Town

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 18, 2015

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Okay, SantaCon is actually over for this year and I couldn’t do a post on it then since I was in Richmond, Virginia last weekend for my sister’s VCU graduation. But still, I have to keep the Christmas posts coming somehow. Now SantaCon is an American holiday tradition that’s an annual mass gathering where people dressed as Santa Claus or other Christmas characters parade in several world cities in a parade and pub crawl. Though originated in San Francisco as “joyful performance art” in the 1990s, it’s largest gathering is in New York City. And it’s now evolved into a “reviled bar crawl” of drunken brawling, vandalism, and disorder in New York City and elsewhere. It has resulted in fierce community resistence, especially from parents who don’t want their kids to see a naughty Santa. Other names for this are Santarchy, Santa Rampage, the Red Menace, and Santapalooza. Still, despite it’s naughty yuletide reputation, this doesn’t mean we can’t have fun with SantaCon. And as I looked on Pinterest, SantaCon has an array of unique Christmas costumes to boot. So for your reading pleasure, here is a treasury of SantaCon costumes that you might like to see. And you don’t have to take my word for it.

Some might find sexy gingerbread lady yummy enough to eat this holiday season.

I don’t know about you. But for some reason, I don’t think food should be sexy. Seriously, that’s just wrong.

2. Of course, at SantaCon there’s bound to be one sexy Frosty the Snowman.

But I’m sure she won’t be wearing this in order to build one. Seriously, that outfit is totally unsuited for below freezing temperatures. Dressing like that will get you hypothermia.

3. He may live at the North Pole but he has a hunk of heart of burning love.

Seems like Santa Elvis has just entered the building. Has his Santa suit, red sash, big glasses, and slicked back pompadour and all. Now he’s all sleighed up.

4. Sometimes at SantaCon it’s either be present or be present.

And it seems this guy managed to fit his upper torso in a purple present box. But he asks not to be opened until Christmas.

5. Since the Nutcracker is running this season, you can’t forget the toy soldier.

Now this toy soldier costume is for women as you see. But unlike some of the costumes so far, it ain’t supposed to be sexy at all.

6. As with any winter wonderland gathering, you can’t forget the Ice Queen.

Of course, I’m sure she’s probably the slowest member of the SantaCon pub craw. However, her dress is a convenient flat surface nonetheless.

7. When it comes to Santas, a sexy one is a real treat.

I don’t mind women dressing as Santas. However, I kind of find it hard to accept one being sexy in a Santa suit. Maybe it’s just me.

8. Still, a toy soldier can always look so proper and badass in a big tall furry hat.

Yes, I know that toy soldiers usually tend to be guys. But this guy in such a costume kind of gives me the creeps for some reason. I don’t know why.

9. For lady Santa costumes, a cape and a skirt is all you need.

Now that looks kind of cute and not too sexy as some of the other costumes. However, I hope her tights keep her legs warm enough. Because they look they might freeze.

10. Now this costume looks like a cross between Santa and a Victoria’s Secret model.

Then again, if you love Christmas and have a job dancing on tables, this might be the SantaCon outfit for you. Unless the weather in your neck of the woods is below freezing of course.

11. To appear more festive at New York’s SantaCon, you might want to go as a Rockette.

Of course, you might look glamorous in such an outfit. But if it’s 32 below outside, you might want to wear it with pants.

12. Now this pink Santa outfit will make you the darling of the Santa pub crawl.

Now this one looks like a Santa nightie you might see at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. And I’m not sure those stockings are bound to keep you warm in freezing weather either.

13. Now this woman is dressed as a gingerbread lady who’s yummy enough for Santa’s plate.

While many of these costumes certainly come from stores like Yandy or Party City, this woman has made her own. And yes, she looks so cute in it. Love the mittens.

14. If you prefer a long dress, may I suggest you dress as a Victorian caroler?

Now that really doesn’t look like something from the 1800s. Then again, if it looked authentic, it would be terribly uncomfortable and hard to fit through a door.

15. This girl at SantaCon comes as pretty as a Christmas tree.

Wait a minute, she is a Christmas tree. And it seems that she made her own costume by dressing in green with tinsel and some metal to boot.

16. For the holiday season, it helps to dress up as pretty snowflakes.

Seems like these women decided to match and make their own costume as well. Hope they don’t hit somebody with those giant snowflakes possibly made from construction paper.

17. Of course, a sexy toy soldier always has to wear a short black skirt.

Looks more like a marching band majorette uniform to me. Then again, I’m sure her legs would be freezing cold once it snows.

18. You better watch out/You better not cry/You better not pout, I’m telling you why/Santa pimp is coming to town.

Now this is a Santa who prefers you to be naughty instead of nice. Because when you’re naughty toward his ho, ho, hos, he gets paid. Yeah, he’s very naughty as well.

19. You can be a sexy Santa with a short red and white fur lined dress and some jingly reindeer antlers.

For the love of God, can’t we not sexualize Santa for once? He’s a jolly fat man with a white beard. And yet, they make sexy Santa costumes. That’s not right.

20. Of course, we shouldn’t forget about the unsung heroes of Christmas who get absolutely no recognition: Santa’s sleigh repair crew.

You know, the guys who make sure Santa’s sleigh is up and running for Christmas Eve. Yeah, you probably never heard of them. But hey, somebody has to do it. You also forget about those who have to clean up after the reindeer, too.

21. As Santa said, “Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you drive my sleigh tonight.”

Now this sexy Rudolph costume is bound to make anyone look like a deer in the headlights. Then again, female reindeer do have antlers this time of year. So why not.

22. Nothing makes you a darling of SantaCon than a Santa suit and a light up ugly Christmas sweater.

Seems this guy will soon be easy for the cops to find if he’s acting too naughty at this convention. Yeah, SantaCon doesn’t really have a good reputation.

23. When it comes to being sexy Santa, why need pants?

Now this is just wrong. I’m sure no one would wear something like that at the North Pole. Still, if a guy wore that, would we call him sexy? No, we’d think he looks like an idiot.

24. A lady toy soldier always looks sharp in a red skirt and white hat.

Also looks like a marching band majorette uniform to me. Also, I don’t think the short skirt and tights are cold weather accommodating.

25. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the Santabot 3000.

Now this is a clever costume if you think about it. However, I suppose this guy will have trouble moving around. Wonder what his gift giving efficiency rate is.

26. A candy cane costume is sure to make you look as sweet as peppermint.

I don’t know about you but she looks more like what you’d expect Candy Cane forest inhabitant to look like if Candyland was a horror movie. Then again, at least she has everything matching.

27. Seems like these presents didn’t have much wrapping to them.

I’m sure these aren’t meant for freezing conditions. Still, you probably shouldn’t unwrap them until Christmas, just to be safe.

28. When it comes to SantaCon, it’s all for one and one for all.

Now these are just Santa versions of the 3 Musketeers. And yes, they’re using candy canes instead of swords.

29. Of course, in warmer climates, Santa might don a sombrero.

I don’t know about this. Kind of think sombreros and Santa suits don’t go together. Maybe it’s just they’re clothing articles made for different climates.

30. At SantaCon, real man dress as reindeer with real animal skin.

Not sure how PETA would feel about this (then again, I do). Still, hope he’s not wearing it during deer season.

31. Of course, not all snowflake costumes are alike.

Yes, snowflakes are pretty. But this guy looks like he’s an advertising mascot for some product. I don’t know why.

32. Seems like Santa’s bound to have a blue Christmas this year.

Well, this is a blue Santa suit. And yes, they exist. Still, not sure if that’s Santa’s color.

33. Of course, tis the season for snowmen.

Now this is a rather convincing snowman costume. However, I can’t help thinking that it looks a bit creepy. Must be the eyes.

34. When one of you is a toy soldier, almost all of you have to match.

Now it’s snowing here. Then again, at least some of these girls are wearing pants. But one stands out because she’s wearing a green and red hat.

35. Looks like this Santa pimp is looking for some of his ho, ho, hos.

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Yeah, don’t know what’s behind the Santa pimp costume either. Then again, I do like his candy cane suit, red fedora, and pimp candy cane.

36. Sometimes a silver Christmas tree makes a less complicated costume.

Now this one doesn’t have a lot of silver limbs on it. But I do like how she put all those bulbs on that cone hat. Very stunning.

37. During the holiday season, there’s nothing better than a sexy polar bear.

With a costume like that, you’d swear that she was a member of the polar bear club. Hope she loves to swim in freezing temperatures in that.

38. Don’t worry about them. They’re just a couple of candy canes.

Now those are clever costumes. It’s apparent how their white outfits are covered in red ribbons. And how their crooks are made from paper.

39. Now I’m not sure which one of these two is supposed to be Rudolph.

Then again, this costumes are made for both men and women. And neither of them are sexy at any means.

40. At SantaCon, save Santa the trip and be naughty.

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Of course, SantaCon is the kind of event where the Christmas clad characters do all sorts of naughty things. And sometimes they dress naughty, too.

41. Now I see that this elf is a bit on the naughty side.

I don’t know about you. But from the look at this, it’s a bit too naughty for my taste. Also, I’m sure she’s bound to freeze her ass off when it’s under 32 degrees outside.

42. Never thought they’d have a sexy reindeer around at SantaCon.

Of course, I’m not sure if the antlers and red nose make this costume a bit freaky. But then again, to each his own.

43. Of course, it can be hard to participate in a pub crawl if you’re inside a snow globe.

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On a positive note, at least their friends will have a designated drive. Yet, I’m sure their costumes will make that job rather difficult.

44. At SantaCon, anyone is bound to shimmer in this Santa dress.

Now this one kind of reminds me of the get up some pop stars wear on their Christmas album covers. Mariah Carey comes to mind.

45. Of course, when Santa can’t deliver his presents, the Caped Crusader takes over.

Of course, he’s not smiling because Batman really doesn’t have a merry Christmas most of the time. Yes, I know the guy needs some psychiatric counseling. Still, he looks like a badass.

46. Hey, look, it’s the Grinch with little Cindy Lou Who.

And they even have their dog dressed as Max in full reindeer attire. Oh, and they even have a sack for good measure.

47. Now this guy is all dressed and ready in his own snowman suit.

Now that guy looks quite flashy. Maybe the suit is fuzzy white and he’s wearing a scarf and hat.

48. Now this elf seems a bit on the skimpy side to me.

She reminds me of a skimpy elf you’d see at Santaland in the mall. Or some North Pole gentleman’s club.

49. Seems like this snowman really wants to be the center of attention.

Yeah, that snowman is practically taking over the whole photo. And some of the Santas are really not happy about it.

50. Now this is the kind of Christmas tree costume you can fold up and store in your attic.

Yeah, that one looks like it was made from hoops and stretchy green material. wonder what those yellow and red things are on it.

51. Seems like this Santa pimp is all about the ho, ho, hos and the benjamins.

Yes, this is my 3rd Santa pimp on this post. Yes, you see a lot of them. No, I don’t know why it’s a popular idea for SantaCon.

52. Of course, these 4 candy canes all come in a set.

Wonder what it’s like to be wearing a giant crook on your head. Might make you look like an idiot in some situations. But not on Christmas.

53. For SantaCon, a dress like this will certainly make you a winter darling.

Now this doesn’t look like it’s suited for cold weather. Better to wear it with pants outside.

54. When it comes to reindeer, you can’t ignore the one with the golden antlers.

Now this is a cute reindeer costume. Love the fuzzy cuffs and gold antlers. Nice makeup job, too.

55. Of course, Christmas wouldn’t be the same without a cute elf on the shelf.

Now normally I think elf on the shelf is a creepy phenomenon that I tend to make fun of mercilessly. But this costume is quite cute if I say so myself.

56. Now I call these ladies, “the Snowflake Girls.”

Not sure if their legs can withstand freezing temperatures. Still, I like their snowflake headbands. Very clever.

57. A snowman costume is never complete without a white tutu.

Well, at least they can keep their head and necks warm with a scarf and hat. But they could really use a coat.

58. This Christmas tree comes complete with all the trimmings.

Of course, you wouldn’t want to eat any of the candy canes. They came with her costume. Still, she must’ve spent a lot of time on this.

59. A toy soldier is never a badass unless he has his rifle.

Dear Lord, please let that gun be fake. Also, the hat and makeup job doesn’t enhance that guy’s costume at all.

60. Of course, sexy elf costumes aren’t just reserved for the ladies.

Nice try. But I don’t know if any guy could look sexy in a velvet elf costume. Yet, this guy doesn’t look half bad.

61. For elves who like turned shoes and fur trimmings, go for it.

Now that kind of looks like an elf costume David Sedaris would describe in his Santaland diaries. Yeah, I’m sure a guy wouldn’t wear it unless his job required him to.

62. If you enjoyed A Christmas Story, then you’ll love how this leg lamp lights up.

Man, little did people know that a lamp people would associate with strip club decor would now be a Christmas decoration. Of course, that was before A Christmas Story came out and attracted a lot of fans.

63. Looks like this is a job for Santaman.

Yes, Santaman will make sure all the good girls and boys will receive their presents. And that evil is vanquished once and for all.

64. The Force is strong with these Santas.

Now this consists of Princess Leia with Christmas decor, and Santa Stormtrooper, Yoda, and Chewbacca. Yes, the Force is strong with Christmas this year.

65. When it comes to Christmas hairstyles a candy cane mohawk is always fashionable.

Of course, I couldn’t pass this one up. Yeah, this Santa really looks like a real tough guy with his mohawk and jacket. This is just too hilarious to resist.

66. Hey, nobody calls Santa chicken.

Now that’s something I’ve never seen before. Hope Santa wasn’t tarred and feathered. Because that’s stuff is such a bitch to get off. Then again, he probably wasn’t.

67. Of course, being a reindeer on the mantle isn’t as great as it’s cracked up to be.

Now that’s a very clever costume. Love the deer head with antlers. But I bet it’s very hard to move around in.

68. Oh, no, it’s the Abominable Snowman!

Then again, seems that this yeti has toned down his look a bit for this year. Also, he kind of looks like a smurf with white hair and a beard.

69. Seems like Katy Perry has dressed up as a scantily clad nutcracker this year.

Of course, she most likely got this costume from some online vendor like Yandy or Party City. Because they certainly sell them. Believe me, I’ve seen it advertised.

70. If you can’t wrap your presents, then put them in a gift bag.

Now this costume certainly looks doable. All you need are large gift bags and a lot of tissue paper.

71. A tall furry hat and a pleated skirt are always essential for any lady toy soldier.

Let’s hope she’s wearing pants to keep her from freezing. Still, the hat certainly looks cool and sure seems warm and fuzzy, too.

72. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Santa Beaker.

Of course, Santa Beaker only says one thing and thinks that Christmas is all about him. Still, this is a very clever costume if I say so myself.

73. Looks like we have a Krampus in Santa clothing in this place.

Now this is a mythical creature from Central Europe who does terrible things to very bad children on Christmas Eve. So be good and save him the trip.

74. Not sure if this guy is supposed to be Santa or some candy cane Monopoly man.

Seems like this guy has his pants all covered in money. Yet, his boots are trimmed with fur. But he sure looks trim.

75. Now instead of a white beard, this Santa seems to have a boom box and a white shag feather wig.

Then again, I’m not sure whether this guy is supposed to be Santa or not. Still, he really seems to rock it in the Christmas spirit.

76. Surely this Christmas candy fairy will bring you some much needed Christmas cheer.

Yes, this is one of those sexy costumes they gear to women. However, you have to admire the creativity on this with the wings and the Christmas tree on top. Never seen a Christmas costume like that before.

77. Of course, in Westeros, Christmas doesn’t always mean, “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.”

Yes, this is Game of Thrones Santa. And yes, his arsenal is on his throne. But considering how the show has a high death rate, he should be prepared for anything.

78. Darth Vader Claus would like you to come over to the merry side of the Force.

Yes, this is another Darth Vader Santa Claus. And yes, he knows what you’re getting for Christmas. Because he can feel your presents.

79. Of course, you never know who’d just turn up at SantaCon.

Yes, this is Spiderman dressed as Santa Claus. As you see he’s wearing two suits this time. And he’s taking a selfie.

80. Nevertheless, Mr. Candy Cane will always dress in red and white for the occasion.

And I see he’s wearing a Christmas bow for his suit. He also has a candy cane scarf. Sad he’s not carrying a large candy cane in his hand. That would look cool.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas with These Village Houses

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 10, 2015

Another big Christmas tradition pertains to Christmas villages where people make a little yuletide world within their own homes or at some public venue. You see these often with toy trains as well. Now the tradition for these little Christmas villages is rooted in the Moravian Church a Protestant denomination in central Europe that settled in places like Salem, North Carolina and Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. It mostly started with putting a nativity scene at the base of the Christmas tree called a putz. But these displays soon became more elaborate and by the early 19th century would include scenes from the Bible like Noah’s Ark. By the mid-19th century, the putz began to include more secular elements such as the Christmas village scenes you see today. And they also have villages pertaining to Halloween and Easter as well. Now this can be a rather expensive tradition since many buildings and figures used are usually made from ceramic and porcelain, which might come from sets. However, there are plenty of people who make their own houses with craft store supplies and other stuff lying around. It’s pretty fascinating stuff. So for your reading pleasure, here I give you some miniature houses for these Christmas villages.

Of course, almost every Christmas village needs their own gazebo.

Now this one has a bright blue roof and roses on top. But it has a Christmas tree within its bounds.

2. To light up a Christmas house, a string of pearls will do.

And it appears these pearls are on the roof. Also, the windows seem covered in tinsel. And the figures seem about too tall for the doorway. These things aren’t done to scale.

3. When it comes to Christmas houses, red really stands out.

This one seems to have a wreath at the front door and a snowman. And it’s on a stand. Still, this is quite cute. Love the snow on the roof.

4. Of course, you find plenty of churches among the Christmas villages. Many with steeples.

And this blue one seems to have no glass windows and a lot of snow on the roof. Wonder if the steeple doubles as a lightning rod of some sort.

5. For a lovely Christmas house, it helps to add glitter.

Now a lot of these houses use glitter to capture the effects of the glistening snow. But as we all know, glitter can sometimes make a mess if you aren’t too careful.

6. For the surrounding foliage, the ornaments always have to match the house.

Now most people don’t decorate their trees in their yards. But you see this a lot in Christmas village houses. Nevertheless, I like the wreath on this one.

7. When it comes to Christmas villages, some can be quite elaborate as they may be.

This is meant to be a village near a coastal town, possibly in New England. And yes, it includes a wooden ship near the bay. But yes, someone had too much time on their hands.

8. For roof tiles, you can’t go wrong with using pine cones.

Now this village seems to be built on some miniature garden. But the roofs look fairly realistic thanks to using pine cones. Not sure about the trees.

9. If you can’t light a Christmas house up from the windows, use some wreaths and garlands.

Now this one looks like it was homemade as you can see by what the roof and trees are made from. But I do like the red bows and fake branches. Very Christmasy.

10. If you think Christmas houses are too expensive, just think of what you can do with a small cardboard box and construction paper.

Not sure if lime green is a suitable color for a house of any kind. But I think this one is quite cute to say the least.

11. With this Christmas village, every house and building has its own place.

Now this looks like a cute idea. Love how each little house has its own shelf by the top. I’d like to take a closer look.

12. I don’t know about you, but something tells me this place is toasty inside.

I think those are supposed smoke stacks coming from the chimney. But it kind of looks like they’re windblown trees at another angle.

13. If you don’t want kids getting to your Christmas village, you can always use a cabinet to display it.

Now this is quite elaborate if you ask me. Seems to resemble a little village at night when you look at it. Love how they used a starry background.

14. When it comes to Christmas villages, some can take over a living room floor.

Now this is why a Christmas village can be a rather expensive hobby. And yes, it’s near the tree. Still, if you have kids or pets, please keep them away.

15. Seems like this house has about 3 stories on it.

Now I’m sure you wouldn’t see a whimsical house like that in your neighborhood. But it’s quite charming and you can’t help but love it.

16. I suppose this is what Santa’s home is supposed to look like at the North Pole.

Now Now this looks quite charming. Not sure of the Clauses having a lawn. But I think the house colors and decorations suit them.

17. Glitter and plaid would sure make any little Christmas house festive.

Now this has golden glitter snow and a facade of plaid wrapping paper. Also has a lace ribbon tied in a bow. Like the windows, too.

18. If you like townhouses, you’ll find this especially charming.

Now this consists of 3 houses in pastel colors. Nevertheless, I find such display particularly whimsical and adorable this time of year.

19. Of course, you can add some extra to go with the village display.

Now this is a display pertaining to a skating rink and a hillside. And the icicles are hung to give it more flair. Of course, in my area, you wouldn’t have snow outside.

20. At this country church, Christmas comes but once a year.

Now this is quite pretty. Seems like one of those little churches you see in movies. Like the decorations and the bell tower, too.

21. Still, you always have to put the toy shop right next to the music store.

While the music store has bows and garlands, the toy shop has a Christmas tree. Still, it’s quite charming if you ask me.

22. Seems like Santa has just stopped here or the sleigh is just a decoration.

Now this house has two large decorated Christmas trees, a snowman, and Santa on his sleigh. It also has 2 chimneys and a wreath.

23. Think porcelain and ceramic is too expensive? Try cards and cardboard.

This church uses a lot of elaborate pieces of paper to cover it. And it has paper decorations as well. Still, I like the jingle in its bell tower.

24. Looking for a way to arrange your Christmas village? How about a corner shelf display.

Now this seems like a nifty idea. And I see this area is dolled up with houses, lights, and cotton snow. Still, keep away from small children and animals.

25. Seems like this place is selling cut Christmas trees for $1.

Most of the time Christmas trees cost more than that. But not so at this snowman’s place. Still, it’s pretty cute.

26. While real houses have shabby colors, with a Christmas house you can have a glitter roof.

Now this is a lovely house. Looks so rustic and quaint. But if it were real, it would sure have a large mortgage and heating bill.

27. Now this church certainly has decked the halls this Christmas.

Yes, it’s a pink church with pink tinsel and pin Christmas tree ornaments. But it’s delightful and pretty nonetheless. And it lights up from the inside.

28. When it comes to decorating your Christmas trees, it helps that they match.

Now these Christmas trees are about even. And this place has a reindeer and snowman in front. Love the pink.

29. Nothing brings the spirit of Christmas to your home than a Victorian shabby pink Christmas village.

I’ve seen a lot of such buildings on Pinterest. Not sure if they’re craft or professionally done. However, they are unique so they’ll go on.

30. Who says that you can’t have a church with 2 towers?

Now this is quite intricate. Love the towers and the stained glass window in front. And how it has 3 ways to enter or exit.

31. While most Christmas houses are miniature, there are some rather big ones like this.

Now this one is probably as big as a dollshouse and covered in paper. And yes, it has fairly realistic Christmas decorations. But it does look quite beautiful to say the least.

32. Seems like someone has gotten snowed in around these parts.

Seems a little crowded under this roof. And there seems to be trees under there, too. Then again, not sure if it’s supposed to be made of snow.

33. You might’ve heard of a log cabin village. This one is made from sticks.

Now this looks quite rustic if you agree with me. Not sure if that’s supposed to be a barn or a church. Still, it’s pretty creative.

34. If you’re dreaming of a white Christmas, I’m sure this house will suit your fancy.

Now this looks so cute with a little snowman out front. Man, those look like big icicles. Yet, they enhance the house’s look. In real life, this wouldn’t be the case.

35. Of course, it doesn’t hurt when you put ornaments with the decorations.

Now this church certainly looks festive and Christmasy. Like the golden roof. And I also like that tower, too.

36. If you think one wreath isn’t enough, go with 3.

Now this is a rather simple design. Just 2 chimneys, 3 wreaths, a few trees, and a garland on the fence.

37. If you want to make a Christmas house with glitter, make sure the foliage matches. Gold house means gold trees.

Yes, I know there aren’t a lot of golden Christmas trees. Well, live ones anyway. Still, this is so pretty and sparkly.

38. When it comes to Christmas decorations, they really show up in beige.

Now the tree is so petite and little. The wreath looks quaint. And the cross is somewhat askew. But it looks rather lovely.

39. On Christmas houses, you can always find ways to make them sparkle.

These 3 houses have some shiny beads, fake gems, and glitter. They also have some snowflakes and jingles.

40. For Christmas villages, nothing brings the holiday spirit than tables and trains.

Now you see a lot of Christmas villages with toy trains. And like this one, they tend to be in circles. Still, this is a lovely display and really lights up.

41. A Christmas village church is never complete without a nativity scene.

How they managed to find a nativity scene that small I’ll never know. Nevertheless, most churches usually have a nativity scene in front this time of year. Like the star on the bell tower, too.

42. When it comes to decorating your Christmas village house, you can go all out if you care.

Now this house has so many decorations on here like tinsel, ornaments, trees, pearls, and a snowflake. Still, like the snow.

43. While many of these Christmas houses are in funky colors some look like any house on the street.

Not sure about the architecture on this one. Kind of looks lopsided to me. But I do like the decorations.

44. Sometimes a church tower is on top. Sometimes it’s on the side.

Now this is one of those Victorian pink shabby putz buildings. But I think it looks pretty with all the decor and cotton glitter snow.

45. You can always make a Christmas village lampost from paper, especially a Dickensian one like this.

Wouldn’t think this was made from paper. But it does look quite quaint. Almost put this one in my craft post but I didn’t think it was appropriate.

46. For a more rustic and simple Christmas village, best go with a colonial.

Now this looks like a Christmas village house that’s not too flashy. Like how they have the wreath and the snowman. Also the windows are cool, too.

47. Of course, some people want their homes to look their best for Santa.

Always has to be someone in the neighborhood who goes all out with the decorating. Luckily, Santa will just come in through the front door.

48. For some churches, a star on the tower has to stand out.

Yes, it has pink decorations. But you have to delight by how the star looks on the tallest tower. Wonder what’s in that present.

49. When you wish for a white Christmas, you can always add a snowflake on your home.

Yes, this is a bright blue winter wonderland house. And yes, there’s a snowflake on the front as well as tinsel at the borders.

50. When it comes to Christmas houses, they can be in as many colors as you like.

Now this one contains red, yellow, blue, and green. But it’s decorated by a wreath and some bottle brush Christmas trees. Like the snow here, too.

51. You may have heard of a Christmas house. But what about a Christmas barn?

Didn’t know people actually decorated their barns for Christmas. Then again, perhaps this barn is more of a public venue for special occasions than anything.

52. If you want a more old-fashioned Christmas, you might like this brownstone.

Seems like most of the snow is on the roof. And every front window has a wreath. Not sure if I like the color.

53. Now this is what I called a really fancy barn.

Yeah, Pinterest says it’s supposed to be a barn. Not sure if barns are supposed to look like that. I mean most I’ve seen don’t have towers.

54. Some homes have chimneys. Some don’t. But those that do, the chimney is usually made from brick.

Now while most chimneys are usually at the side, this one is at the front. And I see cotton is used for smoke. Like the snowman.

55. Some cottages have more elaborate trimmings than others.

Now this might be a little bigger than the other examples. But nevertheless, it has a large wooden ship weather vane and other elaborate stuff near the roof and windows. Tree’s a bit lopsided.

56. Nothing makes a better Christmas house than one of green.

Now a green house with red windows and doors is certainly a Christmasy house, indeed. Doesn’t hurt if it has some decorations.

57. You know that you’re in the North Pole if you see a lamp post like this.

This is another one I was considering for my Christmas craft post. But since it looks like a miniature, I put it in this one.

58. Sometimes smoke is cotton while other times it’s of something covered in glitter.

Now this one really has it all decked out for Christmas. The trees have ornaments and big stars. The roof is edged in tinsel. And there are figures in front.

59. Of course, for the low-income segment of your Christmas village, it doesn’t hurt to have a trailer.

Yeah, I don’t think the lawn ornament is to scale. But a Christmas village trailer is a truly unique idea if you think about it.

60. For any Christmas house, it’s best to go with decorations of green and red.

Now this is quite festive. Has lots of beads and bows. Doesn’t hurt if it has a golden reindeer outside, too.

61. You can tell this is a Christmas house since it has its own balcony.

Of course, if you just saw the tower, you’d think it was a church. No, it’s probably a house for someone of a higher tax bracket. Love the trees on this.

62. While you can decorate a Christmas house with wrapping paper, some can get very crazy with the colors and patterns.

Now this looks like Lady Gaga’s dream house. And it has gold Christmas decorations, too.

63. For a more rustic Christmas, a log cabin brings an old-fashioned touch.

And it doesn’t hurt that it’s accompanied by a sled you’d see on Citizen Kane and a truck reminiscent of 1930s gangster movies. Still. the logs seem kind of flat for some reason.

64. A small wooden church is quite simple yet rather sturdy.

Now this doesn’t have a lot of decorations other than a wreath, lights, nativity scene, and star. But it looks so pretty to say the least.

65. You can set up your Christmas village anywhere, even on a cart.

I think this is from a baking cart. But somehow it looks like the work of someone with way too much time on their hands. Also, those branches look quite big.

66. I suppose this one comes with a separate garage.

Then again, the buildings might be connected. Nevertheless it seems to have a lot of snow splotches on the roof. Like the fence decorations.

67. For a white Christmas, a white church always needs snow.

Now this mostly has snow on the roof and the steeple bell tower. Yet, it sure is pretty.

68. A simple house like this for the holiday season always has to be blue and pink.

Now this doesn’t look like a real house. But I do love it with how the top window resembles a snowflake. Like the trees, too.

69. Of course, when it comes to scale, some figures might be larger than some of the doorways.

Now the cat and the girl really don’t seem to fit through this house’s doorway. Yet, I do love the decor on this such as the tinsel and the wreath.

70. When it comes to Christmas churches, you can’t beat one of glittery blue.

Now this one has a picture taken by an angle. Yet, the only way you can tell it’s a Christmas decoration is how it’s surrounded by 2 bottle brush trees.

71. A bright Christmas house always is of yellow and pink.

Now this is a lovely house. Like the tinsel and tree decorations. Quite ingenious.

72. Nothing makes a Christmas cottage than being decorated in pearls.

Now this looks like a little girl’s dream and it’s quite cute. I really like the purple roof on this.

73. Now this blue Christmas house is sure to stick out for Santa.

I think this might be the biggest blue house in my post. Then again, the picture was taken at close range. Yet, I do like how the roof is covered in a glistening snow.

74. To bring some perk to your Christmas village, go with pink.

Now this includes a house, a church, and a gazebo. And yes, it’s all quite pretty and glittery as you can see. But I like it.

75. Now this Christmas trailer sure looks well decked for the holiday season.

This one has pearl and tinsel decorations. Also, seems like someone just got a Christmas tree. Wonder it will fit.

76. I call this one, “church on the rocks.”

Sort of looks like it’s right beside a mountain or forest. But it has some kind of elegance in simplicity to it for some reason.

77. No Christmas house could ever be more lovely when it is in purple.

Now this has some whimsy to it, especially with the Dr. Seusslike decorations. Still, I think it’s pretty.

78. Of course, a Christmas church always has to be surrounded by trees.

Yes, this has a lot of white trees nearby to make it seem less plain. But I do love the snow near the cross.

79. A pink glitter house always needs a tall smokestack.

Yes, this is another pink glitter house. And yes, it’s cute and adorable. But its smokestack is something that defies so much explanation.

80. Of course, you can’t have a Christmas village without a school house.

Not sure what I think about this building, Doesn’t seem to be bright red and perky. But I do like the trees.

81. Some people dream to have a white Christmas house like this.

As for me, I tend to wish for a white Christmas for once this year. Yet, whether there is, I have no way of knowing. Seriously, winter looks less crappy with snow.

82. Nothing makes a Christmas house better than a nice sloping roof for a change.

Now this is an interesting architectural design. But you have to like the facade on this one. Looks delightful.

83. A house of gold and white will always bring Christmas cheer.

The roof may be gold. But it has some degree of snow on it. Still, while these gold trees look stunning, real trees like that look dead.

84. A teal church like this is sure to stun anyone viewing your Christmas village.

And it’s complete with a nice cobblestone path. Like the matching Christmas trees, too. Wonder what those black things are.

85. Now a pearl on the face gives this house an ideal finishing touch.

This looks so quaint and cute in a baby blue. Like the present, wreath, and tree on this one, too.

86. Let me guess, I suppose this is what the candy store looks like.

Luckily this looks more of a candy cane place than a gingerbread home. So no witches with hot ovens for children here.

87. When it snows, you can always use some Christmas greenery.

Now the roof has garlands and the enclosure has trees with red ornaments. Not sure about the color since the brown doesn’t seem very appealing. The rest is fine.

88. For a Christmas village church, a simple red roof is all you need.

Now this one just has trees for Christmas to be in the spirit of the holiday season. However, it also has a gold bell in the tower. Love the glittery red roof.

89. A white church always has to have a silver roof of glitter.

Now this looks fairly realistic for a church in some picturesque New England village. Nevertheless, it’s quite lovely.

90. Looks like Santa is about to visit this green house with the silvery snow roof.

And it seems that Santa has 6 reindeer. Granted 9 might’ve been a bit too much. Still, I think the house is beautiful with silver snow and a green facade.

91. Of course, Christmas houses don’t always have to have a rustic or old fashion design.

This one has a more post WWII design. Not really into architecture after that period. But this looks quite Chirstmasy to say the least.

92. If you’re into more glass windows, perhaps a frame house may suit you.

Like I said, I’m not a big fan of modern architecture after 1945. But I’m sure the light will definitely shine through this one.

93. This house has some ample room to put the car under the port.

Yes, this is another modern house that looks 1950ish. The poles are of candy cane pattern. But it’s sure to have windows big enough for light.

94. If you like the 1950s, then you’ll love this butterfly ranch house.

Then another modern looking house from the Post War era. Love the color, but the style not so much. Really don’t dig into this type of architecture.

95. If you prefer the Renaissance, I’m sure this Christmas house will suit your fancy.

Now this is quite quaint. But to me, you don’t see a lot of houses like this unless it’s at a Renaissance festive. It’s more a European style.

96. Now this Christmas village seems like it’s all set on a mountainside.

Seems like a lovely village from the looks of it. Still, seems like it takes a hell of a long time to assemble. Yeah, someone has too much time on their hands.

97. This purple house is guaranteed to put you into the holiday spirit this Christmas.

Now this looks quite whimsical and I love the decorations. I also like the fact that it’s purple, too.

98. When it comes to Christmas churches, stained glass windows are must.

Now this one has a pink roof and bell. It also has stained glass windows in the front. Still, it’s quite lovely to say the least.

99. For Christmas you can’t go wrong with a house of candy canes and snowflakes.

Now this house is mostly red and white save for the wreath and trees. Still, love the bow on this since it makes look so charming.

100. Nothing makes a Christmas village better than a simple blue glitter house.

Yes, it’s a little house with a small Christmas wreath on the front door. Yes, it only has one window. Still, I find it adorable.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 7, 2015

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Since my post on ugly Christmas sweaters garnered so much popularity last year and this year, I decided to go with another edition. Now this is me near the basement fireplace at my house with two Christmas stockings at hand. Here I am wearing a cute penguin fleece that says “Let It Snow!” which isn’t exactly ugly, a sweater, or even specifically for Christmas. But if I was invited to an ugly Christmas sweater party, it would be the kind of top I’d wear. But let’s just say I wouldn’t be the star attraction. That would take extra time and/or money for that, neither of which I have. So that means I’d just have to stick to being tasteful and cute. But plenty of people seem to as I’ve found on Google Images or Pinterest. And yes, the vast boundaries of tackiness are infinite which is why I made this and last year’s ugly Christmas sweater posts not safe for work. And some you have to wonder whether there are kids who’d be seeing such fashion atrocities. So without further adieu, I present some more moments of yuletide tackiness in all its Christmas glory.

To start things off, best to warn your loved ones not to stick their tongues out on metal in below freezing weather, even on a triple dog dare.

Yeah, that was very dumb but a very funny moment in the movie. But if I was that kid, I’d have the common sense not to bow to peer pressure.

2. On Christmas Eve, get tacky together with these footie pajamas.

Now this brings yuletide fashion horrors to the next level. But they sure do look comfy if you ask me. Wouldn’t want to be caught dead in them though.

3. I’m sure garlands and bulbs are bound to make anything look festive.

Now I wonder if this was made for a man or a woman. Probably a woman by the looks of it. I think the bulbs make it obvious.

4. Think wearing a Christmas tree is hard? Try wearing a fireplace.

Now I wonder if she has to stand like that all the time so all the stuff on her arms doesn’t fall off. Yeah, I think after a while, it’s bound to get pretty uncomfortable.

5. Of course, in any ugly Christmas party, children are usually required to get with the program.

I’m sure this little girl isn’t very happy with what she had to wear at her grandmother’s house. Yes, her mom worked so hard on it. But still, would you want to be seen in that?

6. Styrofoam and cotton balls are always great for snow.

However, I don’t know whether Frosty’s chest should be bigger than his rear end. You have to wonder whether he’s on some performance enhancement snow steroids to get a body like that.

7. When it comes to Christmas, you can’t go wrong with a tutu and green tights.

Now she’s certainly tacky in her gay apparel. And she’s gloating in it for the picture. Like the tinsel neckline and Christmas tree.

8. As far as couples go, she’s the elf and he’s the shelf.

And since she’s the elf, she has to be on his shoulders. Of course, he’ll have to take her down once in a while. Yeah, 100 pounds isn’t light as a feather.

9. Instead of wearing a Christmas sweater, perhaps try on a Christmas skirt.

I could imagine an elementary teacher wearing something like this on the day before school will be out for break. Still, it’s horrendously festive for the occasion.

10. Bundle up this holiday season with your very own Christmas tree hat and scarf.

Now this is the kind of winter gear you’d see at Whoville this time of year. Yes, it’s festive and Christmas appropriate. But would anyone want to be caught dead in that? I doubt it.

11. Of course, some guys see themselves this all the time.

Yes, his shirt may say he’s God’s gift to women. But does it mean he really is? You might want to check that out for yourself.

12. Nothing says Christmas than wearing a yarn Christmas wreath and a headband of Christmas tree antlers.

Not sure if that wreath was sewn in or not. I’m sure the shirt is a turtleneck, but the wreath looks like it’s hanging like a necklace.

13. Bring some winter into the Christmas season with this bright blue cardigan of a polar bear skiing.

Now this is more of a winter sweater than a Christmas one. And no, polar bears don’t bundle up or ski. But still, it’s pretty funny. And yes, this is a very tacky sweater.

14. As far as the Christmas season goes, it’s jingle bells and feel the joy.

However, if your ugly sweater party includes children, it’s better if you don’t wear sweaters like these. Yeah, you’ll probably get complaints from the parents.

15. Now this guy is sure decked up like a Christmas tree.

Now all he needs is a skirt and hat to go with that and he’s all set. Then again, he might want to just stick with the sweater.

16. If you love Frosty the Snowman, then you’ll love this dress.

Of course, not sure if she’ll be warm in the legs. Yeah, maybe she should get some white leg warmers with that.

17. Apparently someone doesn’t care much for fruitcake.

Seems like fruitcake is either the Christmas food people don’t like or the one they eat when consuming lots of booze. Well, that’s as far as I know about it.

18. You aren’t dressed for Christmas until you wear a Santa penguin vest.

Geographically speaking, Santa lives nowhere near penguins. However, this outfit is pretty horrific on so many levels. The penguins are cute though.

19. Of course, it’s not just humans who bask in the horrendous holiday fashion scene.

I don’t think Scruffy appreciates wearing a tacky sweater of a Christmas tree. Doesn’t want to be the laughingstock of the dog park. But his owners think it’s adorable.

20. Trim your ugly Christmas sweater this year with a red feather boa.

Yes, feather boas always seem to make everything look tackier. And this is no exception.

21. Bring in the spirit of the season in all its glory with this Christmas tutu.

Now this one has ornaments and lights on it. So you can be a horrendously tacky Christmas ballerina if you please.

22. Rock this holiday season in your very own Frosty the Snowman hat.

Now a top hat over a top hat. Wonder if it doesn’t hit the door when he goes out of the bathroom. Yeah, I’d watch it if I were him.

23. To go with your Christmas sweater this year, how about go with holiday hair.

I’m sure Effie Trinket has a wig just like this for the holiday season. Then again, I’m not sure they even celebrate Christmas in Panem. It’s certainly not mentioned.

24. Of course, it’s always Mrs. Claus who deals with Santa when he’s being naughty.

If you like Christmas and Fifty Shades of Grey, then this is the perfect sweater for you. However, I think dominatrix Mrs. Claus might be too inappropriate for small children.

25. Now that is one ugly ass Christmas sweater.

Even the sweater itself says this. And it even lights up. Still, I think parents of small children might have a problem with this. Just saying.

26. For footwear, it helps that your slippers are covered in bows.

Of course, bows like these usually have a decorative purpose only. But these shoes are sure festive at any holiday party.

27. For some you can’t say Christmas without including Sasquatch.

Yes, this is a Bigfoot Christmas sweater. No, I’m not sure if Bigfoot actually wears this (if he exists). But yes, it’s ridiculous.

28. Now I see why they call them, “ginger snaps.”

Seems like 2 gingerbread men got themselves decapitated. And I’m sure they aren’t going to like being dipped in milk.

29. Now you’ve heard of a Santa sweater. How about Santa on your sweater?

Okay, this Santa is pretty creepy to say the least. Also, he doesn’t even have a beard for Christ’s sake! Now that’s just holiday sacrilege.

30. This Christmas step out in your very own Reindeer stilettos.

You know if you want to wear ugly Christmas shoes, be my guest. However, I think you should at least aim for comfort and support. These are ridiculous.

31. If you and your friends are stuck in the frat house this Christmas, make sure your Christmas sweater comes with a funnel and tube.

Really? A funnel and tube with your Christmas sweater? And it doesn’t have sleeves? Guess that’s for the eggnog drinking contest.

32. Uh, Santa, I think you can use a shirt and some pants.

Well, at least this image of Santa was done in felt. Still, it’s pretty disturbing if you think about it. Seriously, nobody wants to see a naked Santa Claus.

33. Of course, if you don’t think it’s tacky enough, you can always add on to it.

Apparently somebody has been spending too much time at the sewing machine. But yeah, it looks like a really horrendous patchwork sewing job.

34. I call this one a, “Gropey Grinchmas Sweater.”

Because it looks like a woman’s sweater and it has Grinchy hands at the boob area. Yeah, Grinch is a perv.

35. Now this Santa sweater is sure to light up by the flick of a switch.

Is it just me, or does this jolly old Saint Nicholas look like he’s from the dark depths of Hell? I don’t know, he just kind of looks evil for some reason.

36. Stand out at Christmas with this tinsel and jingle neck tie.

Now that has to be the tackiest Christmas neck tie I’ve ever seen. Seriously, it makes those you see in the store look tame by comparison.

37. Of course, you’ll have to look in back to see if it’s a buck.

Yep, that’s a buck all right as far as I can tell. Now that’s just sick. Really sick. But I’m sure deer hunters will get a kick out of it.

38. If you liked the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special, then you’ll like this Abominable Snowman sweater with lights.

Now I find this Abominable Snowman quite adorable to day the least. And I like the lights. But yeah, it’s pretty tacky.

39. For your legs, may I suggest a pair of ugly Christmas leggings?

Of course, they might just be tights or sweat pants for all I know. But yes, they’re very horrendous and tacky indeed.

40. Nevertheless, there could be only one snowman out there who could make Christmas great again (sarcasm).

Trumpy the Snowman, is a bonafide asshole/With hate-filled mouth and a large ego, and a toupee of orange mole./Trumpy the Snowman, is a stupid joke they say/ He is full of blow but hell if I know why can’t he just go away.

41. Of course, you can now wear a Christmas sweater that was inspired from the movie How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

However, unlike the one the Grinch wears in the movie, this one doesn’t light up. But it does jingle and jangle.

42. Like poinsettias? Now these slippers are for you.

Now these have green garlands, gold baubles, and red poinsettias. And yes, they sure look horrific as can be.

43. If you liked The Nightmare Before Christmas, you’ll like this Jack Skellington Christmas sweater.

And yes, it certainly lights up as you can see. Still, you really don’t want to get a Christmas present from Jack Skellington of Halloween town.

44. Those who might not care for Christmas much will certainly delight in this Grinch hoodie.

Now this is just clever. Like how his heart is 3 sizes too small. Also like the green garland.

45. Husband not too fond of his Christmas ties? Make a sweater with them.

Now you can sew on some ties and buttons on this turtleneck and wear it for Christmas. Yes, it’s tacky but tis the season for ugly Christmas sweaters.

46. This Christmas, take out the turkey and make it look festive for the season.

Now this one has some lights and Santa hats on the legs. Yes, it’s pretty tacky and ridiculous. But I think it’s also pretty funny.

47. If you live in Florida, I’m sure this flamingo cardigan would suit your fancy.

Then again, Florida isn’t known for having sweater weather. Still, it’s the kind of sweater I’d expect someone from Florida to own. Yes, it’s tacky.

48. If you liked “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” then you’ll like this sweater.

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Yeah, a song about Grandma getting run over by Santa’s sleigh is pretty funny. But a sweater of reindeer running over an old lady in a walker? Don’t know what to think about that.

49. Seems like Zombie Claus tends to rise from his grave with his sack on Christmas Eve.

Of course, you’d want to watch out for Zombie Claus. Because if you’re a kid who’s been bad, he’ll devour your brains. So be good for goodness sake.

50. Of course, I’m sure everyone has heard of the Christmas llama.

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Yes, it’s just a llama with a scarf on it. But still, llamas are pretty cool animals. And I think it’s pretty funny.

51. Don’t think a Christmas sweater is tacky enough? Then go with a Christmas jumpsuit.

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Now that’s one ugly jumpsuit. Certainly wouldn’t want to be caught dead wearing that. Yeah, quite horrendous.

52. Now these Christmas bootie slippers come with all the bows.

Yeah, someone actually made these from gift bows. And yes, they’re colorful. However, not sure if I could wear them around my house if you ask me.

53. When it comes to decorating Christmas sweaters, you can never have enough bows.

And this one seems to have a big one and a bunch of little ones. Oh, and it has some other decorations, too.

54. To go with those poinsettia slippers, I now give you a poinsettia sweater.

Though I love flowers, I’m not sure what to think about the poinsettia. Certainly don’t want to get one. Still, those flowers look like they’ve been stolen from somebody’s grave.

55. Oh, shit, Santa just got stuck in the chimney.

Of course, since he’s a fat guy in a red suit, you’d have to expect this. Still, would it hurt him to just go through the front door? I mean he obviously wouldn’t like going down to find a blazing hot fire.

56. For some pet owners, a Christmas sweater of their dog says so much.

I know some people are crazy about their pets. But a pug sweater with a poinsettia and tinsel wreath? C’mon. That’s ridiculous.

57. Those who love polar bears will love this polar bear tree sweater.

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Of course, it’s also available in adult size and for men. But yes, the bears are so cute. And the sweater is so tacky.

58. When it comes to Christmas dresses, you can never have too many ornaments.

Still, I don’t think it’s a dress you’d want to vacuum in. I mean it’s liable some of the ornaments can drop and break. Also, the noise.

59. Be in the holiday spirit this Christmas with this bauble headband.

Now this was mostly made of stuff you’d get at a craft store. But it’s a great addition to any tacky Christmas look you’re aiming for.

60. If you want to dress as a Christmas tree, you can’t go wrong with a tutu dress.

Now these two seem all decked in green tulle and shiny lights. They’re also wearing a star on their heads as well. Yes, it’s horrendous but they seem to enjoy themselves.

Deck the Halls with These Christmas Craft Projects

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 1, 2015

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Yes, it’s that time of year again when people start putting up their Christmas decorations. You have the tree, the lights, the nativity scenes, the wreaths, the stockings, and what not. And all not only to make your home a source for holiday cheer and delight, but also to be the envy of your neighbors. Of course, most people tend to buy certain decorations at the local store. But for a long time many people just simply made their own since it’s cheaper and it reuses old stuff lying around the house. Also, most schoolkids usually create at least one Christmas creation in art class. The one I remember most was of a nutcracker soldier I made in fifth grade but a bit of the shiny paper folded while it was being laminated. Nevertheless, my parents still hang it up on the back of the front door. Still, you can see plenty of yuletide craft projects on Pinterest as you might be aware of. But while many people see Christmas craft projects as kids’ stuff, Pinterest will make you beg to differ and I didn’t have to look far and wide to tell you so. Believe me, I didn’t have to look very hard and it’s pretty difficult for me to know which decorations to put on and which to leave out. So for your reading pleasure, I present you some of the wide multitude of Christmas craft projects you might find charming for your Christmas home.

Grace your front door with this festive candy cane decoration.

Yes, it might look straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. But I’m sure you and your family will love it.

2. Snowflakes always show up well if they’re made of wood and covered in lights.

Now these were created from pallet wood like you’d see from old crates. Of course, with a little assembly and white paint, they are pure Christmas magic when hung outside with the lights.

3. For only a nickel, you can buy a snowball from this snowman.

Okay, not really because most people either can make their own snowballs for free or don’t have snow on the ground as we speak. Still, this is just so adorable I had to put it on my post.

4. Keep your silverware in order for guests this Christmas with these stockings.

Yes, these are stockings for holding silverware for the holiday guests. And they only hold 3 a piece. But still kind of clever to say the least.

5. Make your own little Christmas tree this year with small flower pots and button ornaments.

Now you can buy the little flower pots at any craft store before painting them green. Still, this is just a very adorable little Christmas tree if you ask me.

6. Have burned out Christmas bulbs lying around? Dip them in glitter and put them in glass block.

Glitter: giving new life to burned out Christmas light bulbs as decorations so you won’t have to throw them away. Now this is so pretty to say the least.

7. You don’t have a great candy cane unless you have one of ribbon and crocheted lace.

Yes, that doesn’t seem to go with a proper candy cane twisty color scheme. But it looks like something that you can hang from a tree. Besides, it’s clever.

8. Want to spread some holiday cheer? Well, these wine glass will certainly make great candle holders.

Now these consist of a gingerbread man, penguin, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, an elf, Santa, the Grinch, and a snowman. And I see a lot of these have glitter.

9. Got little kids and pets but love baubles? Then I supposed these crocheted ones will be perfect for the bottom of your Christmas tree.

And they seem to come in several different colors in a box. Nevertheless, they’re likely all stuffed so you won’t have to worry about your kids or animals breaking them.

10. If you want to let it snow, then this crocheted snowman wreath is perfect for your front door.

Of course, in my area the most snow you’ll get this time of year is perhaps a few inches that will melt away as the day goes on. Yeah, my area doesn’t get a lot of snow during the holiday season.

11. Make a Christmas tree ornament with wire and beads.

Now I wouldn’t recommend this for little kids. However, it does look quite nice, doesn’t it?

12. To make your Christmas tree baubles look more festive, cover them with bead covers like this.

Now you might see decorations like these on older Christmas decorations. Still, this looks quite neat and best of all it’s purple to match.

13. Love woodland creatures? Perhaps this owl tree topper will go well for your Christmas tree.

Because nothing makes a Christmas tree look more alive in nature than with an owl on top. Sure it won’t light up like other tree toppers would. But it’s so cute you won’t care.

14. Nothing says Christmas than a large candy cane hanging from your front door.

Of course, you’ll know it’s Christmas if you see this on somebody’s front door. Yeah, bright white and red really stands out.

15. Bring in the ho, ho, ho, Christmas spirit with these Santa Claus wine bottle decorations.

Now if you have old wine bottles lying around, painting Santas on them is a clever idea. Wonder what they used to make the tops.

16. Count down the days till Christmas with this felt Christmas tree advent calendar.

Now this would be a great advent calendar if you’re a religion class teacher. I mean the ornaments on this are teeming with biblical imagery here. However, whether you’re a Christian or not, this does look pretty cool if you ask me.

17. Or you can go with the advent calendar wreath option, of course.

Wonder what’s inside these tissue wrappers for the days. Is it candy, Christmas messages, or something else?

18. For those who don’t have a taxidermied deer head for a reindeer, perhaps you should try making one instead.

Now this cute, cardboard deer is a clever and festive decoration. But unlike taxidermy, it won’t creep out the kids.

19. Nothing says Christmas better than a crocheted Christmas tree.

Now this is something kids can play with. And it’s just so adorable. Still, wonder how they got the ornaments on the tree though.

20. Nothing brings holiday cheer to your family than these Santa cone hats.

And yes, these are certainly bedazzling indeed. However, when seeing these, I can’t help thinking you’d expect to see these hats in Dr. Seuss.

21. Tired of assembling a nativity scene? Why not hang one up from the wall?

Now one has the 3 wise men following a star. One has Mary and Joseph with the baby Jesus. And one has the shepherds watching their flocks by night.

22. This reindeer ornament will be a great addition for any Christmas tree.

Okay, it’s not really a reindeer. But seriously, our pop culture usually gets it wrong when we show reindeer on Christmas specials, anyway. Still, its antlers are covered in glitter.

23. Blow some tissues this year with this Santa Claus tissue dispenser.

Now this is a cute decorative idea. Still, that buckle and belt are clearly embroidered and it’s trimmed by fake fur.

24. This snowman kettle will surely make a fine centerpiece at any Christmas table.

Yes, the snowman is painted on, possibly by a repressed art major. And yes, the foliage is fake. Still, you have to love this.

25. Live in the desert, well, this Saguaro Christmas cactus ornament will go fine with your Christmas tree or Christmas cactus.

Now we should remember that the Saguaro cactus is only available on the Southwest US and Mexican deserts. Still, it’s a clever twist for a Christmas tradition.

26. Light up a shadow nativity scene this year with glass blocks and lights.

Yes, it’s another nativity scene pertaining to cut outs. Still, I think it’s quite amazing, especially when lit up at night.

27. Make you home a Christmas candy palace with this gingerbread, candy cane, and lollipop Christmas wreath.

Now this wreath contains felt candies and goodies of your own delights. And it’s so adorable to put on any door.

28. If you love decorating for the holiday season with penguins, then you’ll love these flower pot waddlers.

Of course, most penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere which is nowhere near the north pole. But they’re so cute that nobody cares whether they’re used for Christmas decorations or not.

29. Make your home a holiday winter wonderland with this snowflake feather wreath.

Now this is covered in feathers and craft snowflakes you’d buy at a craft store. Nevertheless, wouldn’t mind having this on my door if you ask me.

30. Make your holiday season jolly with these Santa Claus paint brushes.

Yes, I know paint brushes aren’t often used as decorative items. Still, these are so clever and adorable if you ask me. Whoever thought of these was a genius.

31. Wow your holiday guests with this Christmas hat stand.

Yes, it’s a literal Christmas hat stand with funky red and green hats. And yes, I’m sure your guests will love it, especially if they’re fans of Dr. Seuss.

32. Want to build a small Christmas village display? Get a wreath.

Now I find a Christmas village wreath a particularly charming idea. Doesn’t hurt that it goes with the village below on the table.

33. Bring the holiday spirit into your home with this Christmas wreath.

Now this has a candy cane design with a little green, And it includes a snowman, bow, berries, a branch, and “Merry Christmas” in tags.

34. For a wintry spirit on your Christmas tree, it helps if your felt skates have paper clip blades.

Now the paper clip ice skate idea is quite clever for ornaments. However, as far as the Christmas season goes, it hasn’t been too icy from where I live.

35. Be in the festive spirit this Christmas by wearing these Christmas tree earrings.

Now these are made from beads and wire. However, they’re not as kitschy as some of the other Christmas jewelry you’d probably see.

36. For a more advent calendar design, may I suggest you go with a snowman?

Now this is made like a clock. Yet, you use the carrot to count down the days of December.

37. Have some old jewelry? Well, you can always make a Christmas tree collage out of it.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these on Pinterest and many are said to be vintage. Yet, this one sure looks pretty if you ask me.

38. This Christmas make your home a winter wonderland with a snowman Christmas tree.

Now this is a small Christmas tree that’s made to look like a cute snowman. And yes, it looks like each part is surrounded by wreath garlands, too.

39. I don’t know about you, but I think there’s a Grinch in that Christmas tree.

Actually that’s part of the tree decor. Somehow , the resident had some bright green tights and some red fabric. Still, it’s pretty funny.

40. I’m sure this pot soldier would make a great sentry for your holiday home.

No, not that kind of pot soldier. This one is a toy soldier made from flower pots stacked against each other and painted accordingly.

41. With beads and wire, you can make a snowflake ornament that glimmers on the tree.

Now the bead work on this is quite intricate if you ask me. But it sure looks pretty.

42. Seems like this snowman is busy with knitting this season.

Now this is a knitted snowman with a hat, scarf, and knitting to boot in sub zero temperatures. Then again why it feels to do this, I don’t have the slightest idea.

43. Nothing emphasizes the spirit of giving than a wreath made of gifts.

Now a wreath made of little presents can be as colorful as you like. And this one even comes with a tag.

44. If you love winter, then you’ll certainly adore this snowflake glass block.

Yes, it’s quite pretty and intricate as you might see. But you have to love it and admire the craftsmanship.

45. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas” this holiday season than a candy cane wreath.

Now in order to have a candy cane wreath, it just has to have red and white stripes of some variation. Still, I like the snowflake on this.

46. Grace your Christmas home with a wooden panel with a red ribbon star.

Now this just has a long ribbon on some screws in order to make a bright star. Some might scratch their heads on this, but I like it.

47. A wooden reindeer will certainly bring the Christmas spirit from the great outdoors.

Now this one uses logs for the body and twigs for the antlers. To some it’s ingenious but to others, it looks like a waste of firewood.

48. If you’re not the most jolly during the Christmas season, you can always go with a Grinch wreath.

Not sure what that material is but reminds me of moss. However, this is pretty clever if you ask me. Like the eyes and the Santa hat.

49. If you have kids but not a lot of space, then this felt nativity hanging will do quite nicely.

Now this one includes King Herod and the innkeeper, who aren’t the better characters in the story. Still, though Herod probably didn’t order a baby massacre around Jesus’s birth, he wasn’t a nice guy and executed several members of his own family.

50. Grace your home this Christmas with a red and green wooden sleigh with a snowman.

Now my family has a painted Christmas sled. But it doesn’t look like this one at all. Still, I think it’s adorable.

51. Of course, nothing says Christmas than a painted rock nativity scene.

Now this is an interesting twist on the nativity scene as you see here. Still, like how they used the burlap sack as the stable.

52. For a jolly holiday season, this Santa wreath is a great bet.

Now this has a belt and “ho, ho, ho” on the top. It also seems to be covered in red feathers for festive emphasis.

53. For those spending Christmas near the beach, you might appreciate these shell Christmas trees.

Yes, the iridescence may not make it look like shell. But it is. It’s just the underside. These are also topped with a starfish, too.

54. For your little one this Christmas, this crocheted snowman cap will keep them warm and snug.

Now most of the crocheted caps I’ve seen on Pinterest pertaining to Christmas seem to be for children. This didn’t seem to be the case when it came to Star Wars.

55. Nothing says Christmas like a button collage of a Christmas tree.

Well, it’s not all buttons. But I’m not sure which ones are part of the tree and which ones are supposed to be ornaments. Then again, maybe that’s the point.

56. Add some heart to your Christmas tree with this amigurumi ornaments.

Now this has all kinds of woodland creatures, a gingerbread house, Santa, a mushroom, an acorn, a reindeer, and a lady with a babuska. And yes, they’re quite cute to say the least.

57. Nothing makes a better tree topper this Christmas than a crocheted angel.

Now crocheted angels are pretty common vintage decorations, as I’ve seen at my grandparents’ house. Yet, I think this one is much less creepy than ones with doll heads.

58. Greet winter this holiday season with a snowman wreath at your front door.

Now I like how they have scarves in so many different colors. Also like their bead eyes and buttons as well. So cute.

59. I’m sure using old jewelry would make a great star to top your Christmas tree.

Yes, it looks like a wire star with jewelry all over it. But I think it looks quite pretty nonetheless.

60. Flowers in a candy cane vase make an excellent Christmas centerpiece.

Of course, the flowers are fake for obvious reasons. But still, you have to like the candy cane decor on this and the red bow.

61. Nothing makes a cuter Christmas tree than a pine cone.

Now I’ve seen quite a few pine cone Christmas trees on Pinterest. This one is supposed to give the impression of a tree covered in snow.

62. Get in the festive spirit this year with this Christmas tree advent calendar.

Now this is similar with the religious symbol Christmas tree advent calendar I put on earlier. Yet this one has more conventional symbols.

63. Got old socks with holes in them or missing partners? Make snowmen out of them.

Now each of these has their own winter gear to stand out. Not sure which one I like the best out of this bunch.

64. Of course, who knew that polar bears could climb trees?

Actually Polar bears don’t climb trees because they don’t live where there’s many of them. However, this is cute if you ask me.

65. Remember some ornaments don’t always have to be on the tree. You can even hang some from inside the window.

Now this looks pretty clever. However, I wouldn’t recommend this for cat owners. Or parents with little kids.

66. Think red and green is too boring? You can always do a wreath with baubles.

Now I think they used wire to keep the baubles in place. However, I think this might be a delicate process since baubles are easily breakable by design.

67. For Christmas candle holders, I suggest you go with a more rustic feel.

Now these holders come from logs as far as I know. And they’re in a tray with some fake berries and evergreen branches.

68. Grace your front door this Christmas with a large decorative poinsettia.

And the best part is, you don’t have to toss it after New Years. And yes, that sure looks so pretty.

69. Got candy canes? Make a wreath out of them.

Well, I’ve shown some candy cane stuff earlier. But this is just unbelievably intricate. Like the snowflake though.

70. When it comes to lights, my I suggest you go with some crocheted options?

Now they might not light up your tree. But they’ll look great nevertheless.

71. If you like horses, then you’ll love this decoration for your front door.

Now this is pretty cool. Like how the mane has long pine needles and a flower.

72. With a vinyl record and coffee can, you can make a snowman hat.

Yes, this is a snowman hat. No, this isn’t intended to be used on real snowmen. It’s just a decorative item.

73. When it comes to decorating the tree, you can’t go wrong with these mitten ornaments.

Now these are red with bows of holly and pine branches. Still, these are adorable.

74. Not sure whether a candy cane covered candle smells like peppermint.

Now this is a candle covered with candy canes as well as fastened with a bow and holly. Of course, you don’t want a fire hazard in this which is why the wick is further down.

75. Keep warm this holiday season with this Christmas holly afghan.

Now this is quite pretty. Love the holly design on this.

76. If you love angels, then this angel in lace is for you to cherish on your Christmas mantel.

Yes, it’s an angel all covered in lace. But it sure looks so pretty and goes well with the cloth.

77. A pine cone Christmas tree isn’t festive without bead ornaments.

Yes, this is another pine cone Christmas tree. However, this one is decorated in glitter and beads to create a better festive look.

78. For a more rustic home, these stick snowflakes will do quite nicely.

Now these snowflakes may not be white. But I’m sure they would if it was easier to paint them. Still pretty intricate.

79. Greet visitors this Christmas with a stocking on your door.

Yes, it’s quite festive and looks like it’s straight out of Dr. Seuss. Yet, if you don’t care for wreaths, go for it.

80. During Christmas, it’s “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men” with this ornament.

Now this is made from felt. Nevertheless, I think it’s an ornament because it seems freely hanging. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a wreath.

81. When it comes to Christmas wreaths, the baubles can come in many colors.

Now this is a great wreath if you ask me. Love how they have a rainbow of colors with this. Sure would like to have that on my front door.

82. Greet winter this holiday season with this flower pot snowman.

Now this looks quite rustic if you ask me. Like how it has a flower pot coat and a flower pot hat. Also like the broom and scarf.

83. If you live in Hawaii, a hula skirt gingerbread man will sure go well on your Christmas tree.

So I guess it uses buttons as a coconut shell bra. And embroidery floss is used for the skirt. Still, pretty clever.

84. Experience the nativity like you never had before with this nativity cross.

Yes, this is a nativity cross of carved wood. But still, I think it’s pretty cool how they have the wise men and shepherds.

85. Nothing makes your Christmas brighter than a crystal rainbow angel.

Yes, this is a crystal rainbow angel ornament. And yes, it looks a bit weird. But I like it and I think you will, too.

86. Bring the spirit of Christmas into your home with this large candy cane star.

And yet, I have another candy cane decoration that you can hang from your door. Also contains peppermints and carries the smell.

87. Keep warm in December with your very own snowflake afghan.

Now the snowflakes are so pretty on this one. I also like the blue background, too.

88. Keep your guests’ cutlery in order with this Santa silverware pouch.

Now this is made from felt and only carries a spoon, fork, and knife. But nevertheless, it’s adorable.

89. Await the coming of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with this nativity scene advent calendar.

Got to love the nativity scenes on this. Now this looks very adorable and nice for kids to play with.

90. Enjoy the holiday season with these light bulb penguin Christmas tree ornaments.

Seems to come in 4 different colors. But each one is so cute when you see them. Love their little outfits.

91. Have the nativity at your disposal this Christmas with this nativity scene wood impression garland.

Now you can see that the Holy family is at the center. The livestock and shepherds are on the left. And the wise men and camels are on the right. Well, mostly.

92. Grace your table this Christmas with these snowmen candlesticks.

Now these are adorable. Still, it’s kind of ironic to have snowman candle holders for some reason. Maybe it’s because fire generates heat which makes snow melt.

93. Make spirits bright this holiday season with this Christmas tree glass block.

Well, a stained glass Christmas tree mosaic block. Still, I think it’s just so pretty and creative if you ask me.

94. Nothing captures the magic of Christmas like a crystal Christmas tree.

I know it’s made from wire and beads. But still, It looks so glimmering and beautiful in the sunlit snow. I like it.

95. Got some old jewelry? Make a Christmas tree out of it.

Yes, this is a Christmas tree decorated with jewelry. You might think it’s a bit askew but I think it’s quite shiny and brilliant.

96. Nothing says Christmas like a wooden peg people nativity scene.

Now since I had peg people Hunger Games and Star Wars, I had to go with this. Also like the simple stable design as well. Yes, this is cute.

97. Give your home a rustic feel during the holidays with this reindeer sled.

Now this is a beautiful sled. However, it’s just for decoration, not for actual sledding.

98. If you love the countryside, then you’ll like this rustic window wreath.

Think of it as a wreath but it has a wooden window pane as well as berries and pine cones all over it. Also like the bird.

99. Grace your Christmas table this year with these Pom Pom Branches in a vase.

Yes, these are branches covered in all sorts of different colored pom poms. Yes, it looks straight out of Dr. Seuss. Don’t ask me what it has to do with Christmas but I think it’s festive.

100. Stumped on outdoor Christmas decor this year? Then go with these Santas.

Yes, these are Santa faces painted on logs and come in 3 different sizes bound together. And yes, it’s adorable. Can also be used indoors, too.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Christmas Vintage Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 27, 2015

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Once again, Black Friday is upon us again to kick off the official Christmas season. Of course, everyone seems to be well aware of it since businesses tend to advertise the freaking shit out of it. But as last year, I stayed true to my vow and decided that I wasn’t going to do any Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving. And I have kept it, thank you very much. Now since many of my previous Christmas posts received a ton of views over the last year, I decided to do some second editions for a few of them such as vintage advertising, Elf on the Shelf, treats, albums covers, and sweaters. However, I plan to have some new stuff as well like Christmas crafts and possibly Christmas village sets. Of course, since the holiday season has been greatly commercialized, there are no shortage of advertising. And yes, it’s annoying as hell, especially when you see it earlier in November or before Thanksgiving. Now the olden days certainly had their share of ads as well whether they be for food, decorations, gifts, or whatever. Now you might think that Christmas ads were more wholesome and adorable. However, as I find out through Google Search and Pinterest, that’s not the case. Those who wish to spend early Christmas season fun at home can sit back and relax as I show you a treasure trove of old holiday ads your grandparents don’t want you to know ever existed.

Ladies, be your own Santa this year with your very own Formfit bra.

Okay, the woman wearing nothing but her bra is one thing. However, I think the marionette Santa is even creepier.

2. Santa wishes you a wishfull treefull of Chesterfields this Christmas.

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Yes, Santa decorate an entire Christmas tree with cigarette packs. Seriously, do you really want the kids to have a lot of health problems due to first or secondhand smoke?

3. Rest assured, Santa, she’ll love you for getting Mojud.

I don’t know about you. But from how I see Santa with the nightie, he’s going to be on the naughty list this Christmas. At least when Mrs. Claus finds out. Seriously, Santa is a perv.

4. This Christmas, get yourself a Jantzen figure.

Of course, it’s her turn to play sexy Santa this year. Still, Gladys found out it was better to do it without the creepy Santa mask.

5. Beat the Christmas rush with Bell Telephone system.

Wonder who’s going to rescue the people who are hanging from them? I have no idea why they don’t have any emergency vehicles standing by. Also, I’m sure that sailor will be dead if he falls from the wires.

6. From the Baldwin Clothier Boy’s Department, here’s a book on Christmas stories.

Kind of interested on the story of Duke Pineapple. Wonder if he’s the main antagonist of the early 20th century edition of Fruit Ninja. Or maybe the illustrator was on too much absinthe.

7. I wish I was a reindeer so I can dress like a Christmas tree and spread good cheer in six different flavors.

Not sure if the reindeer is happy with having 6 different jello dishes hanging from his antlers. Also, I’m sure reindeer don’t eat jello at all. They’re more into grass.

8. An Air Way sanitizer is as beautiful as anything under the tree.

Actually that’s not what I’d call beautiful in any respect. Kind of looks like some drink dispenser or a squared Sputnik if you ask me.

9. Nothing makes your kiddies happier in the 1950s than a real Roy Rogers Christmas.

All it costs are some of your parents’s money and your dad’s sense of dignity. Sorry, but playing the part of Trigger is part of being a dad during the 1950s.

10. Why be irritated this Christmas when you can smoke Old Gold?

Uh, I think I’d rather help him by putting up the tree first if I were you, lady. Lighting a cigarette when the tree’s fallen over him is just a fire hazard waiting to happen.

11. This Christmas everyone is shouting about Textron menswear.

So I guess in these pjs, grown men can spend Christmas morning playing cowboys, Indians, and derogatory Indian stereotypes. Also, cowboys riding tricycles as well. And the kid is reading a book.

12. From this Christmas on, make your own movies with the Cine Kodak Eight.

“Now we can use this to spy on our neighbors and see what their combination is to that big freaking safe they have in their house. You thinking what I’m thinking?”

13. Give your loved one a special gift this Christmas: a toilet seat for 5.95.

Now really? Who the hell would be happy getting a toilet seat on Christmas? This is a terrible present for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

14. Don’t know what to give anyone for Christmas? How about some Weed tire chains?

Yes, I’m sure tire chains would make a wonderful Christmas gift. Well, for someone who has no idea how to snow proof their cars. Then again, it’s not the kind of present you’d give to anyone.

15. Santa’s elves are always busy in their workshops making appliances?

Okay, this can’t be right. Aren’t elves are supposed to make toys for kids? Not appliances for their parents for God’s sake. Seriously, what 6 year old kid asks Santa for a waffle iron?

16. This Christmas, visit your loved ones via the Chesapeake and Ohio lines.

Don’t like the look on Santa’s face on this one. Looks like he’s about to pull some cruel prank on these cat and kittens. Like spiking the milk with laxative or something like that.

17. Give your loved ones the gift of comfort this Christmas like a hot water bottle from Wearever.

To be fair, they didn’t have the kind of heating technology we do. However, I don’t think anyone uses hot water bottles anymore, save in cartoons. Also, looks like the kind of gift you’d give your co-worker secret Santa.

18. Give artistic Cinderella magic this Christmas with Rogers lacquer.

Yeah, nothing makes a great Christmas gift than a can of paint varnish. Seriously, that’s what you get in a hardware store, not a Christmas gift.

19. Why have one Santa in your ad when you can have 2?

Now these Santas certainly look different. One is taller and has glasses. Yet, both seem to think that vacuum cleaners make great Christmas gifts for women. As a woman, I find this ad appallingly insulting. Seriously, I loathe vacuum cleaners.

20. Give your wife a kitchen appliance for Christmas from Frigidaire.

Seems like Santa really spent a fortune on that stove, dishwasher, and refrigerator. Still, since when is it her kitchen? It’s their kitchen. It’s their house. Appliances shouldn’t be promoted as gifts for women but for the whole family. Because everyone uses them.

21. Sorry, reindeer, but Santa is updating his sleigh this year to gasoline powered.

Seems like the reindeer union might vote to go on a stampede in Santa’s garage. Yeah, that’s no union at the North Pole I want to mess with. But if your livelihood is in jeopardy, you gotta do what you gotta do.

22. Christmas is the best time of year to get tires because it’s always the year after next that counts.

And it seems that this guy might either need to hit the gym or buy a new Santa suit. Then again, it’s probably worn out. Still, love the look on this wife’s face.

23. When it comes to reading letters from kids, Santa likes to kick back with some White Rock ginger ale and scotch for his scotch and soda.

So, kiddies, don’t be surprised if your letter from Santa sounds about as incomprehensive as your drunk uncle’s Thanksgiving rant. Santa is just very drunk at the moment.

24. Give Mom a break this Christmas with a Hotpoint dishwasher.

Wonder how much this family eats considering the quantity of dishes takes up a whole wall. Seriously, no family has that many dirty dishes.

25. Give a special smoker in your life a White Briar pipe this Christmas by Kaywoodie.

I don’t know about you, but Kaywoodie is a terrible name for a pipe company. Yeah, I can expect the giggles from that one.

26. A Health-O-Meter scale is a Christmas gift with a lift.

Okay, if someone on your wish list didn’t ask for a scale, you shouldn’t get one. Seriously, it might make a receiver wonder whether you think they’re fat. This is especially true for man giving gifts to their girlfriends, fiancees, or wives.

27. For heartburn relief during the holidays, try some Alka-Seltzer.

I don’t know about you but Speedy the Alka-Seltzer kid just seems straight out of my nightmares. I wouldn’t trust him with what he has.

28. For Christmas, Avon Cosmetics are a joy to give and a joy to receive.

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It’s also quite interesting that one of these cosmetics is stored in a golden banana shaped bottle. It just makes me scratch my head for a moment.

29. Usher’s Green Stripe is a 1853 Christmas original.

Now these pictures are so creepy. Well, at least the Victorian kid and the Roman with grapes. Yeah, don’t want to be near them.

30. Keep dry like the English this holiday season with Gordon’s Gin.

Of course, this basically says that the Brits usually spend the holiday season rip roaring drunk on gin, which is the worst alcoholic beverage on the planet. Still, given Britian’s problem with binging, this doesn’t reflect well on the country.

31. Decorate your Christmas tree this year with Noma lights.

Yes, I know the Santa baby is supposed to be adorable. But to me, there’s just something about this cherubic demon child that terrifies me down to the core.

32. This Christmas, deck the halls of your home with easy to make decorations with Styrofoam.

You the packing material stuff that never biodegrades that you can find almost anywhere. Well, you can make decorations with that.

33. Remember that the prettiest Christmas dollies use Scotch hair set tape.

When I see a woman with tape on her face like this, I don’t think I’d brush it off as a decorative enhancement. Hell, I’d wonder whether she needs to leave her boyfriend and file a restraining order. That doesn’t look good.

34. Promise me, Santa, that you’ll take care of my underwear needs from Frederick’s.

Now calling Santa to give you lingerie is one thing. But this woman looks like she’s in the mood for more than just lingerie. I mean look at her suggestive sexy eyes.

35. Be clear and fresh this Christmas with Ivory soap.

Yes, I know this little kid is supposed to look so cute and innocent. But for some reason, she doesn’t even look real and perhaps a bit creepy.

36. Even Santa Clause eats Cream of Wheat for breakfast.

And in this ad, Santa has just alienated one of his big demographics such as black children. Seriously, Rastah is a racist caricature for God’s sake.

37. Webster Cigars makes a great gift for important men.

I bet lady sitting here’s like, “How much longer do I have to endure this dinner sitting next to that douche? Why did I have to spend Christmas with my boyfriend’s family this year instead of taking a plane home to see my folks? Why, sweet Jesus, Why?”

38. Is your child a bed wetter? Then this Christmas, we can help them stop.

Now this is just really insulting. Yes, kids wet the bed at some point in their childhood. But really should there be an ad shaming kids that do? Probably not.

39. Santa Claus would like to wish a, “Big Ho” to Westward Ho Fruit Growers Cooperative.

Of course, nowadays, “Big Ho” has a very different and inappropriate meaning. Yeah, it’s actually very unintentionally funny to once you reach a certain age or start listening to Hip-Hop music.

40. Want to please your lady this Christmas? Buy her a toaster.

Yeah, buy your woman a toaster and she’ll love you for it. Even if she doesn’t ask for one and wants you to give her a gold necklace instead. Now this ad is just plain sexist.

41. This Christmas, get your lady a Bissell “Cyco” Bearing Carpet Sweeper.

I don’t know about you. But Santa doesn’t seem to be on the jolly side here. Seems to be telling the woman to accept this great sweeper and she’d like it or else he’d ram his sleigh and reindeer into her house.

42. Cherish your Christmas moments with your family with this Kodak camera.

Yes, the girl is supposed to be cute and innocent. But for some reason, I sense some evil in her soulless eyes as if she’s strangling the little doll with her chubby fingers.

43. Some people just can’t wait to open their Christmas presents under the tree.

Yes, I know plenty of men like beer. But that doesn’t mean you should give your man box with 24 cans. And if he opens it before Christmas, it might mean that he has a drinking problem.

44. Santa says that electricity is cheap so use more of it, courtesy of Carolina Power & Light Company.

Yes, electricity is great. However, fossil fuel use is not. So perhaps it’d be better to conserve electricity and save energy. Besides, isn’t Santa’s home being threatened by a little thing called climate change? Yeah, I think he should know better.

45. For fair feminine skin this holiday season use Hinds Almond and Honey Cream.

Now I don’t know which is scarier in this. Santa looks pretty terrifying as is. But I think the little girls might just kill him if he doesn’t give them the dolls they wanted.

46. For Santa, Christmas is all about “give and take.”

You see, kids, that wasn’t your dad raiding the fridge on Christmas Eve. That was Santa who ate the turkey before refreshing himself with a bottle of Coca-Cola. Yes, Santa just wants to raid your fridge in exchange for presents.

47. For Christmas, give something useful like Colgate products.

Unless you’re a dentist or have close association with one, I’m not sure Colgate products make good Christmas gift ideas. Seriously, they make toothpaste for God’s sake. Besides, nobody wants to receive a toothbrush for Christmas.

48. Hallmark Christmas cards are always a great idea, now featuring artwork from the Right Honourable Sir Winston Churchill.

Yes, Churchill led Britain during WWII. But would you really buy a Christmas card with one of his paintings? Also, kind of looks a bit skeevy here like he really needs cash at the moment.

49. For the skier in your life, Chesterfield is the ideal cigarette for them.

Now I know skiing might be great exercise. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep your lungs free from tar and nicotine while on the slopes. Because if you don’t ruin your body in a ski accident, you’ll sure ruin it through smoking cigarettes I assure you.

50. This Christmas don’t miss the fun of smoking with Pall Mall.

Yes, don’t miss the fun of smoking and enjoy the thrills of respiratory problems, cancer, cardiovascular disease, premature aging, yellow skin, and early death. Actually, this Christmas I encourage you to miss the fun of smoking because its side effects aren’t very fun at all.

51. Only Santa Claus wouldn’t enjoy this Remington Rolectric this Christmas.

Yeah, Santa doesn’t seem to be very happy with getting a razor for his Christmas present. He’ll probably regift it to Mrs. Claus, hoping she’d use it to shave her legs.

52. May all your dreams come true this Christmas, courtesy of Marlboro.

Of course, since we’re talking about Marlboro, the tobacco company hopes that your dreams don’t consist of living a long and healthy life. Also, Santa smoking a cigarette, really not setting a great example for the kids. Bad, Santa.

53. Treat your son right this Christmas by giving him a 22 from Winchester.

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Now this ad gives dads advice on what to tell their wives when they give their boy’s a Winchester. From the ad: “Suppose you want to give a Winchester 22 to your 12-year-old. But the wife says, “It’s too dangerous now. Wait till he’s older.” What do you tell her? First, tell her exactly why you think a boy should learn to handle guns early. Tell her he may not get a chance later. And too many kids grow up thinking guns are toys. Tell her a boy’s hankering to shoot and go hunting is perfectly normal. Something he’s born with. A part of his American tradition….” Oh, God, give me freaking break.

54. Want a gun this Christmas? Remington has got you covered.

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Because no Christmas present says “Peace on Earth” than something that was designed to kill. Seriously, guns aren’t toys and are terrible Christmas presents.

55. Old Gold Cigarettes are bound to make any man look sexy this Christmas.

However, remember that the sexiness isn’t guaranteed to last if he smokes enough of them. Because he sure won’t look like this in the hospital dying of lung cancer.

56. Give underwear to your family this Christmas with Fruit of the Loom.

Now this has to be one of the most awkward Christmas photos I’ve ever seen. What’s even stranger is how everyone seems so chill with hanging around in their underwear.

57. Make this Christmas safe with Pyrene.

Okay, this looks very scary if you ask me. For one, the guy is totally freaking me out. Second, why the Christmas tree look like it’s on fire? Oh, it’s for a fire extinguisher. That makes sense. But why are the mom and kid so close to it? That’s not safe. Seriously, they need to back away.

58. Remember there are plenty of Christmas gifts made from Reynolds Aluminum.

Still, it seems like Mickey, Donald, and Dumbo get all the nice gadgets and toys while Daisy and Minnie are stuck with kitchen appliances. I’d rather get a camera or a TV than a fridge, stove, or waffle iron.

59. Want your wife to love you more? Give her a dishwasher this Christmas.

From Diply: “‘She’ll love you every time she does the dishes.’ Really? Maybe, she’ll just hold in her resentment and unleash it later.” Then again, it beats washing them in the sink. But appliances should be for the whole family.

60. For your men and boys, give the gift that lasts like Atkins “Silver Steel” Saws.

Because men certainly love a saw with a sharp blade to cut wood with. Of course, the fact psychokillers use them is only coincidental.

61. Be his Christmas star with fashions from Frederick’s of Hollywood.

Yes, bursting out of a Christmas present in a sexy gold dress and cone bra will certainly make you his Christmas star indeed. However, I’m not sure if that woman wants to be a Christmas star to the pervy guy ogling at her. That might just be a routine of hers at the Kit Kat Club.

62. Contemplate your future this holiday season with a Ouija board.

From Buzzfeed: “Really? She’s hearing from a spirit and all she can think to ask is “who’s Debbie date for the prom”!” Yeah, that’s a pretty stupid question along with “Shall I become a model or fashion designer?”

63. This Christmas treat him like a millionaire with BVD pajamas and being his servant.

I’m pretty sure this guy can take off his own slippers. But he seems too much of a douche to do so and makes his wife handle it. Jerk.

64. For the girl in your life, give her Cutex nail polish.

From Buzzfeed: “Just what every girl wants for Christmas: A drug store brand nail polish from her boyfriend.” Yeah, I’m sure no girl is vying for drug store brand nail polish this time of year.

65. Be a real Santa Claus to the wife this Christmas by giving her this washing machine.

Now I’m sure we don’t use those kinds of washing machines nowadays. Still, sexist as hell? I’ll say.

66. Tell him how lovely you are this Christmas with a new holiday party dress.

From Buzzfeed: “If you need a party dress to tell your man how “lovely you are,” then you’ve got bigger problems.” Yeah, your own insecurity. Seriously, if a man can’t see how lovely you are without a party dress, then he won’t if you’re in one.

67. Remember, fellas, nothing says romance than giving your special lady a Hoover for Christmas.

Any boyfriend who gives me a Hoover for Christmas, I swear to God, I will burst into an uncontrollable rage never seen from the depths of hell. To my future husband: a better present would be vacuuming my place when I’m away so I won’t have to deal with the freaking noise. I hate vacuum cleaners!

68. Fellas, when woman gets a recliner, she can get 2 Christmas presents at once.

From Buzzfeed: “So this is TWO Christmas gifts that she apparently doesn’t get to enjoy.” Unfortunately, yes, as a matter of fact. Then again, I think my grandparents might have a chair like this in their house.

69. Do away with a tired and thirsty face this Christmas with Coca Cola.

Now the tired face Santa just removed is just freaky to say the least. Seriously, how did the designer think this was a good idea? I mean why?

70. Nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the kids than a Glad trash bin.

Yeah, I’m sure any kid would be smiling with pride over getting their very own trash bin for Christmas. Seriously, this is a horrible present, especially for children. Also, this one is from France.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Category Archives: Just for Fun