Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Fifth Edition)

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Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, I am now free to get into my Christmas posts. And fortunately for the Trump folks, I’ll most likely be busy with these for most of December. Anyway, the day after Thanksgiving is Black Friday, or a day when I try to avoid the stores unless I have to work at one. Sure most of them probably don’t have people rushing inside to buy shit. Yet, you’ll always hear about one Black Friday brawl over a hot item on the news. Nonetheless, retail giants are known to advertise heavily in the days leading up to this iconic shopping day. Seriously, your Thanksgiving newspaper bundle probably comes with countless ads and catalogs on the latest deals. And yes, you’ll find plenty of Christmas ads from back in the day. Some might age well like this Goodyear ad above. But some not so much since they could be quite unintentionally funny, offensive, or creepy. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another yearly assortment of crazy vintage Christmas ads. Enjoy.

  1. There will always be a Christmas, even in the future.
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And in the future, it seems they’ll always use Rolex. Except that digital technology and smart phones haven’t been good for the watch market these days.

2. There’s no better gift for Christmas than Playboy.

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I’m sure your man will always read it for the articles. Though I would suggest you’re better off giving him a tie. Also, I don’t think this woman’s wearing a bra.

3. This Christmas, give her a Hoover.

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Sorry, but if a man gave me a vacuum for Christmas, I would not be happy. Seriously, I hat these things.

4. It’s always a holiday party with 7 Up.

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Apparently, Jack’s trying to score with Susie at the dinner table. While Eric gets a bottle from behind.

5. Budweiser is always the beer for the holiday season.

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You might think she’s happy and engaging in the holiday cheer. But she’s only putting on a smile to hide her dismay over Roger’s gift. And she’s not exactly in the mood for booze at the moment.

6. Santa likes to dance with his reindeer at the North Pole Christmas party.

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Yet, I don’t think Santa has any good intentions for dancing with Dancer. For he’s eyeing the reindeer like a piece of sweet meat.

7. Timmy really seems to like his new train.

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The boy’s like, “Wow, just what I need for my death machine I intend to use for torturing the neighbor’s cat. Thanks, Mom and Dad.”

8. This Christmas, give your loved ones a box of interwoven socks.

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To be fair, Socks are essential for everyday living. Yet, I get the impression that Santa’s giving Bobby socks just to spite him for being a brat.

9. Kupperheimer always makes good clothes for the season.

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Still, while Hank was eager to do the Christmas shopping, he didn’t like using bags. But, check out his coat.

10. Thanks to Greyhound, Daddy will be home for Christmas.

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Unbeknownst to Mommy and little Johnny, Daddy would never be the same after Korea. Often he’d drink and fly into rages with no apparent reason.

11. With gifts, it’s always the thought behind it that counts.

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Nonetheless, little Maisie knows that whatever present she gives to her family, nobody will be impressed than the new car Dad bought for the family. But she knows he got it for himself to enhance his ego.

12. Decorate your house with brightly-colored GE Christmas lights.

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Or else, Santa will come down your chimney and murder you in your sleep. Don’t think that he wouldn’t.

13. This Christmas, give her the gift of lightness with matching luggage.

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Though I’m sure she wouldn’t be able to take a whole set on a plane. Also, not very keen on the colors.

14. Seems like it’s the mom’s job to come up with the Christmas list.

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Well, at least the girl is writing her own. But the boy just wants to play wit his new ray gun while the dad doesn’t really give a shit. But the mom knows she still has to get a gift for him.

15. Nothing makes a party memorable like 7UP.

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Wonder if they have anything else in their pop. Or whether whoever’s here will end up doing more than kissing under the mistletoe like the couple in the back.

16. Santa always enjoys a bottle of Coke from the fridge.

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Seems like milk and cookies couldn’t satisfy Santa enough. So he had to raid the fridge. Despite that he has plenty of other places to visit that offer the exact same treats.

17. ETA always makes the best Christmas nuts.

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From Flashbak: “This couple literally seems on the point of tears over the sight of their gift of Christmas nuts. Suffice it to say, this mom and dad are easy to buy for.”

18. Not it’s Santa’s turn to receive his Christmas gift.

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Though he doesn’t seem certain if this shirt would fit him. Or when he’ll use a tie. Then again, Santa may also have a day job for all we know.

19. “Kids, come on down. Grandma’s here.”

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Though Bobby doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about seeing Grandma. Maybe because it’s snowy and he’s wearing shorts.

20. All this boy can think about is the new Plymouth.

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Yet, the boy has his head down as if he’s possessed by some demon. That or he may be thinking about the futility of human existence or the inevitability of death.

21. This Christmas stop the sag and end the fag with Allen A underwear.

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Apparently, guys often hung out together without a care in the world back in the olden days. I’m sure they’re just friends. Even the toy soldiers like to check out these briefs.

22. Nothing makes a great gift for dad like his favorite cigars.

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Apparently, show your love for dad this Christmas by giving him lung cancer if you don’t know what to buy for him. Seriously, that’s what you give your dad when you give him cigars.

23. Santa Claus digs Adidas cleats.

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Since how does Santa wear a red jumpsuit? Because I don’t get the impression he regularly works out at the gym. Also, doesn’t seem like I’d want to see him there either.

24. Want to make sure you don’t get underwear this Christmas? Ask for Atari.

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Well, that’s one way. But I don’t think it’ll get past the parents. Seriously, video games are expensive.

25. This Christmas, Colgate gives the gift of dental hygiene.

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Apparently, Colgate products come from Santa’s disembodied hand in the night sky. Didn’t know he cared about oral health.

26. For this wartime Christmas, Santa chooses Chesterfields.

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Santa even has his own military outfit. But still, he promotes a product that kills 1/3 of the world’s population a year.

27. Crosman guns are the gift of the season.

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For nothing says, “Peace on Earth” like a bunch of guns under your Christmas tree. For God’s sake, these are instruments of death and not appropriate for Christmas. Or any other occasion.

28. Take Santa’s advice and get a supply of Lundborg’s Perfumes.

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Apparently, Santa doesn’t think people around the turn of the century bathed as often as they should. Though given how many chimneys he goes through, he could use a shower.

29. “Look, Tommy, it’s Tinkerbell!”

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Seems like this girl’s kind of freaked out by Tinkerbell appearing in front of her eyes. Then again, we’d feel the same way if we were her.

30. Make sure you spice it up with your Christmas wrapping.

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Though this boy thinks the presents are all his, And he’ll fight to the death to make sure no one else gets them.

31. “Now what would you like for Christmas, Ralphie?”

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“I’d like a train set, a Rough Rider BB gun, a chemistry set, a box of knives, and rat poison. Also, I want Cindy’s head on a platter.”

32. An Underwood typewriter always captures the spirit of giving.

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But don’t mess with the Weird Sisters. Or else they’ll curse the living daylights out of you in your nightmares.

33. Karo gives a sturdy body for your Santa Claus.

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To be fair, it is a syrup. Yet, since it’s mostly made out of sugar, its health effects might range from obesity to Type II diabetes.

34. Santa wants you to smoke Chesterfields for far and near and in good cheer.

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Apparently, demonic Santa Claus wants you to smoke and die of lung cancer. Or else he’ll break into your house and kill your family.

35. Let Christmas last a lifetime with a Remington 22.

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Great, get your boy a gun for Christmas. He’ll never forget it. Let’s hope he doesn’t accidentally shoot someone in the eye.

36. Nothing beats a long day at the slopes like a Budweiser.

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“Hey, Christie, join us for a beer at the fire. And once we get drunk enough, we could have a three-way.”

37. Want to keep her young and pretty? Give her a Star vibrator.

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I know it’s supposed to be a massager. But the word “vibrator” has come to mean “sex toy” in recent years.

38. A Parker Pen is a friend for life.

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Yet, why would you take a pen form a disembodied Santa hand? Besides, a pen is a gift you give someone for secret Santa or because you don’t know what to get them.

39. Make this merry trifle with Bird’s custard.

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Looks like a cream cheese snowman sinking in a bowl of cheese and cherries. Kind of disgusting.

40. Didn’t know trains could spring from Santa’s sack.

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Well, this is for New York Central. But it makes Santa seem like a big train enthusiast or a god who can fit massive trains in his bag.

41. For Christmas, polar bears choose Calvert.

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Didn’t know that polar bears liked boozing during the holidays. Hope they don’t run into anything with the sleigh.

42. Buy Kentucky Tavern Whiskey and you’ll get this snowman decoration.

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I hear it even talks to you and urges you to murder people. But only when you’re really wasted on this stuff.

43. Corby’s always makes a great gift for fathers and sons.

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Booze for Christmas? Still, let’s hope that alcoholism doesn’t run in this family. Though I wouldn’t be surprise if it does.

44. Take a break from Christmas shopping with a nice Coca Cola.

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From Flashbak: ” Supposedly, they stopped putting cocaine in Coca-Cola in 1903; however, this 1962 advert, proclaiming a special ‘zing’ down to your toes, makes me think it was a bit later.”

45. An RCA Victor is perfect for the whole family.

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From Flashbak: “Everything’s so white….is this what Christmas looks like in Heaven?” Let’s hope not since I don’t want to imagine this family dying in a car crash before then.

46. Throw a great Christmas party with the Hallmark party books.

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She’s like, “God, I hope this book doesn’t make me mess up. Since I don’t want this shindig to end up like last year.”

47. Pop brings you happiness from a bottle.

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Little girl’s like, “Drink all the happiness you can, Mom. Cause I’m going to kill you in your sleep and serve you for Christmas dinner.”

48. Santa thinks Interwoven socks make a great gift.

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Santa also looks like he’s had a few too many. Maybe he should go home before his sleigh crashes into a house.

49. Planters Peanuts makes a great holiday party staple.

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The guy is looking at the woman eating nuts and thinking, “Man, she’s really making an ass out of herself.” While he’s carrying a tray of cocktails.

50. 7UP can always please the holiday crowd.

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Something tells me these kids shouldn’t be drinking it. Since they’re in their pjs and their parents are hosting a party downstairs.

51. Wrapping presents doesn’t have to be a hassle on Christmas.

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From Evolvor: “Nothing says getting ready for Christmas then wrapping presents for the kids. And by wrapping presents I mean, kicking back with some ice cold brews and making the ladies do it. I’m sure a few minutes after this snapshot someone’s ass got slapped. Good work girls.”

52. Double Bubble always makes the season right.

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From Evolvor: “I’m not sure if the kids these days know what an excuse for “gum” Double Bubble is, but I’m damn sure kids were not getting TOO excited over getting a handful of this shit in their Christmas stocking. The stuff is barely passable on Halloween and is a total fail of a holiday candy. If little Johnny ends up with a lump of ‘Bubble it’s because he was either bad that year and we needed coal to heat the house or Santa (*ahem* Dad) got laid off and this is all he could afford.”

53. Drinking beer is always a tradition during the holidays.

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From Evolvor: “There’s nothing wrong with this ad really, I just love the idea of my grandparents getting bent on the holidays. Again clearly the men get to dick-around, most likely talking shit about all the people who sent them Christmas cards. “Look at John’s stupid kids, what an asshat” the one guy is probably saying. Meanwhile the ladies are again doing what they do best.”

54. A Lincoln-Zephyr is the quality car for the holiday season.

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From Evolvor: “Many of you know how I strongly I feel about our obsession with cars (and how we use them to give us some sort of social status), and there’s nothing I hate more then seeing luxury auto ads during the holidays. Seriously who the hell gets a NEW CAR for Christmas? I dunno, maybe the day I strike it rich I’ll start buying people cars to make up for something really shitty I did to them in the past. Anywho, the not-so-wholesome past wasn’t any different, and here Santa is either dropping a brand new Lincoln off for some brat or is trading in the reindeer and sleigh for a V12.”

55. Schlitz gives you a light refreshment over the holidays.

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Here she’s holding a small present. Wonder who it’s for and wonder what’s in it. Also, the guy seems to have a different “present” idea in mind. Cue the “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

56. Give Kentucky Club to all the men on your Christmas list.

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After all, lung cancer is the gift that keeps on giving. Even during the holiday season, apparently.

57. “For me? You shouldn’t have.”

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From Evolvor: “Another classic Christmas car ad. This one SCREAMS “sugar daddy”. Nothing says love during the holidays like keys to the car *ahem* I mean heart.”

58. Send Christmas wishes through airmail this holiday season.

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So Santa ditched his sleigh for a print plane. Hope the reindeer don’t go on strike when he returns to the North Pole.

59. For your holiday platter, banana quick bread makes a tasty treat.

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Okay, that bread looks very disgusting. Yet, Santa munches on his banana nonetheless.

60. This Christmas, take a bottle from the J&B Scotch tree.

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The bottles even have candles. Best to stay away from it if you’re the designated driver.

61. This year, give your children a real Roy Rogers Christmas.

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And yes, this means Dad getting the saddle and giving horsey rides to the kids. I know it’s an undignified moment in fatherhood. But at least it’s cheaper than giving your kids a real pony.

62. Make this year a lucky Christmas.

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Well, you won’t be so lucky with Lucky Strike. Seriously, smoking will kill you. But he doesn’t care.

63. Make your Christmas party planning easy with this new Toastmaster hospitality set.

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Actually I don’t want to put any of these appetizers on toast. Seems like something you’d have on the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.

64. Decking the halls is always a family tradition.

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Of course, Dad had to put the garlands around the archways. Hope he watches his hand or he’ll be causing a bad accident. Especially if Sally’s running with the star. Hardly seems like having peace of mind. Still, I can’t help thinking they’re in the midst of an accident waiting to happen.

65. With Camel, it’s Merry Christmas with every smoke.

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Man, Santa seems to appear in a lot of cigarette ads. Despite that smoking kills and gives people lung cancer.

66. Santa Claus always enjoys one on the rocks once in awhile.

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This is from Japan, I think. Still, the guy is a clear mall Santa since the beard looks obviously fake.

67. Kid can’t help but talk about the new Plymouth.

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Don’t look now, but I think the older sister has a devious look in her eyes. Like she has murder on the mind. Also, the dog’s jumping on her.

68. The Targeter is a sure-fire gift for the whole family.

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Since nothing makes Christmas family fun like endless target practice. Hope Mom doesn’t shoot anyone’s eye out. Or kill anyone.

69. With Avon, you’ll always make the spirits bright.

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Here’s an assortment of cosmetics in fine containers sold by a multi-level marketing firm. And I believe she’s lighting a candle or burning incense. Either way, don’t want to have an open flame near a tree.

70. Chesterfields always make the perfect Christmas gift.

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This woman’s like, “That way when my sugar daddy dies of lung cancer at 53, I’ll get the whole estate. Mwha ha ha ha ha!”

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