A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “The Actor Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)”


In the last book, The End, the Baudelaires are trapped on a boat departing from the burning Hotel Denouement into the sea. And they’re accompanied by a man they have spent the whole series fleeing as he’s been after their fortune and their lives. You know, Count Olaf. You can imagine the misery on these kids. It doesn’t help that Olaf has been sitting around giving orders as well as renaming the boat after himself which was previously called The Carmelita. Also, they have nothing to eat but beans. However, Count Olaf has been celebrating his triumph over the Baudelaires, Hotel Denouement, and V.F.D.


Nevertheless, I couldn’t think of a better song for the start than Evita’s “The Actress Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)” where Evita basically says she’s not going to conform to the expectations Argentina’s aristocracy pressures her, especially since they don’t even like her. She even says that everything she does will be justified by her foundation despite the song heavily implying how selfish she might be (in real life, she may not have been like that at all). However, in this version, I have Count Olaf emphasize how he doesn’t really care what the Baudelaires think of him or anyone else.


“The Actor Hasn’t Learned the Lines (You’d Like to Hear)”

Is this how our story ends?
Only an actor would pretend
He’s triumphed while we’re out to sea
Celebrating while we’re eating beans
My how our lot begins to turn
When will the evil man ever learn?
My how our lot begins to turn
When will the evil man ever learn?

Count Olaf:
This famed actor hasn’t learned the lines you’d like to hear
He won’t go scrambling over the backs of the poor to be accepted
By making donations just large enough to the correct charity
He’ll just take your fortune and buy himself a new car fast and shiny
Which I’ll just name after me
And it’ll be a car unsafe at any speed

The actor hasn’t the lines you’d like to hear
He won’t join your clubs, he won’t dance in your halls
He won’t help the hungry once a month at your tombolas
He’ll simply take control as you disappear

Forgive my intrusion, but fine as those sentiments sound
We’re stuck with you at sea, we’re working this boat around
I hate to sound childish, ungrateful, I don’t like to moan
But do you now represent anyone’s cause but your own?

Count Olaf:
Why don’t you shut up and keep rowing like my good henchmen?


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