The Baudelaires meet up with one of the Hotel Denouement’s managers who explains their job to cater to guests’ every need and how they’re seen as invisible, to observe what the guests are talking about or up to, and how it’s run by the Dewey Decimal system akin to a library. Oh, and the hotel doesn’t have a catalog while they’ll be sleeping behind a desk in the lobby. Still, since the manager is either Frank or Ernest, the children are understandably wary of him. Anyway, as 3 bells simultaneously ring, the Baudelaires are forced to split up. Violet goes to the rooftop sum bathing salon where she finds Esme in a strategically placed bikini talking to Geraldine Julienne while Carmelita’s playing with a boat at the pool dressed as “ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate.” Violet’s task? Well, getting Carmelita a harpoon gun, which is something you should never give a child at all, especially an epically spoiled brat like her. A manager directs her to Room 121, which makes me wonder why would a hotel keep a weapon like that. Oh, a V.F.D. one. Klaus goes to Room 674 where he escorts Sir and Charles to the sauna where they discuss J.S., Sir, and the Baudelaires. A manager then evicts the two men to the organic chemistry room. He then has Klaus put up bird paper out the window and over the pond for “catching eagles.” Sunny goes to Room 371 where she escorts Vice Principal Nero, Mr. Remora, and Mrs. Bass to the Indian Restaurant run by Hal. A manager directs her to the kitchen where they prefer J.S. as a she and talk about eating crow as well as the Sugar Bowl being dropped down a vent. The manager then hands her a device to put on the door to the laundry room called a Vernacularly Fastened Door. By that afternoon, all the Baudelaires aren’t feeling great about what they just did.

The song I decided here is “Prima Donna” from Phantom of the Opera where the Phantom sends the owners and prominent members a letter calling for what he wants for the next show and that they don’t go along with it, something terrible will happen like a dropped chandelier. In particular, he wants Christine to sing the female lead while the resident prima donna Carlotta plays the silent page boy. Anyway, the owners try to buck it with casting Carlotta as the countess and Christine as the silent page boy. Let’s just say it will not go well. In this version, I have the managers describe what the Baudeliares will do as concierges as well as their time going to each guest’s beck and call. Oh, and I added some extra stuff describing what actual people in their position have to deal with, that Daniel Handler wisely left out.

 

“Concierges”

Frank:
V.F.D. summit on Thursday night, not sure if it’s set up right
At the Hotel Denouement volunteers go to the last safe place
Someone check in some more guests
Someone take on the front desk
Still at least the rooms get filled
Hope nobody ends up killed
What a way to run a business
Spare me these unending trials
One brother’s turns up bad
Another’s to be a dad
Denouement!
To hell with this fucked hotel!
Have a scandal and you’re sure to fill it out!

Dewey:
Baudelaires!
Out in the lobby!
Baudelaires!
Damnable!

Frank:
Dewey, please don’t shout
They’re known fugitives and all working here
Known fugitives

Dewey:
Dressed as concierges!

Frank:
Let’s go show them what to do
Kit Snicket, sent them here, too

Ernest:
Baudelaires, welcome to Denouement
Sorry, if I don’t have ample time
To aptly explain how we do arrange
The rooms in our fine establishment.
So get right to work so our guests don’t have to wait in line.

Frank:
If you know your way in a library
If you really need to find a book
Go search the card catalog
For the book you want
Then follow the Dewey Decimal System to locate that damn book!

First floor’s thought and psychology
Second floor’s theology
When you need a bit of rest
Sleep behind a desk
Denouement

As our hotel concierges
You’ve got opportunities
To quietly see what’s going on
Guests just treat you as
Invisible
So you’ll have your work cut out
You’re dismissed.

Klaus:
Three bells are ringing.

Violet:
We must separate

Sunny:
So unsafe

Klaus:
Might see three times the stuff
Don’t you fret Sunny
Think of this as a great large library
So how bad can it get?

Sunny (Translated Babble):
You’re crazy.

Klaus:
Don’t look at me

Violet:
Where do we go then?

Klaus:
I don’t know
Just take a number

Violet:
I’ll take the roof salon
You tend to room 674
While Sunny can go to a certain room 371.
…and split!

We will meet right her tonight
To share our findings in the front lobby
So we can find out who the hell is that J.S.
Let’s go and help some of our guests

[At Sun Roof]
Esme:
There you are

Violet:
I beg your pardon

Geraldine:
Who is that?
Is that some bell hop
Or the maid?

Violet:
What is it now?

Esme:
It’s Carmelita
The darling girl’s out at the pool

Violet:
Is she your daughter?

Esme:
Of course not!

Violet:
All right then

Geraldine:
Can see the headlines

Esme:
Oh, come on

Geraldine:
What’s going on?

Esme:
I took in three kids
Because orphans were in at the time

Geraldine:
When they read on your glamorous career,
From actress, adviser, girlfriend, and party hostess
Daily Punctilio readers will all be on their feet
And get so excited that they’ll fall stone dead from massive heart attacks

Esme:
Check and see my new outfit
These glasses are sunoculars
So I can watch birds in flight
And not go so blind

Geraldine:
More party details please

Esme:
Don’t want to give anything away too soon

Carmelita:
I really want a harpoon gun

Violet:
What the fuck did she just say?
Oh, what the hell
Well, excuse me?
Where do I find a harpoon gun?

Earnest:
I’m busy
I’m busy
Guests came in early

Violet:
Now I’ve found one

Earnest:
Please
A weapon like this harpoon should only be in the right person’s hands. I am grateful for your help Not many are brave
To help in such a scheme…

[At 674 to Sauna]

Sir:
…Are you a concertina here?

Klaus:
I believe you mean concierge, Sir.

Sir:
How does this lowly bell hop know my name?

Charles:
He probably calls all male guests that
Now may you escort the both of us toward the sauna

Klaus:
If that’s what you both wish, then I will kindly oblige

Charles:
Don’t you think I should change into my new bathing suit?
You won’t get the health gains from the steam in our plain street clothes

Sir:
I don’t give a damn about steam’s health benefits. I’m not an idiot, Charles, dear partner.
Can’t I enjoy the smell of hot wood once in awhile?

Klaus:
Well, this is an awkward discussion.

Charles:
Okay.

Klaus:
Why here?

Sir:
What do you mean?
Maybe you should stay outside
Hold my cigar

Klaus:
I’ll stick my foot out
To let out some of the steam

Sir:
How about Thursday’s party?

Charles:
Or that J.S.?

Sir:
Now just who is that?
Don’t really know.

Charles:
And the Baudelaires?

Sir:
Those child killers

Charles:
I doubt that

Sir:
J. S. said they’ll come
By submarine

Klaus:
Well, he’s not wrong

Sir:
Well, he invites us
It’s good for business
Though my workers still get gum and coupons

Charles:
And Bea and Bert?

Frank:
Please, put up this bird paper for me
We use it for catching the eagles

Klaus:
The eagles?

Frank:
Heard of Snow Scout abductions?

Klaus:
No, sir.
Are you who I suspect?

Frank:
Well, if you say so.
Thank you.

[At Room 371 and Indian Restaurant]

Mr. Remora:
Where did you get those cash bags?

Mrs. Bass
Mulctuary Money
Steal’s a cinch, got in a pinch
Since that bank is full of morons

Mr. Remora:
Tell me about it

Vice Principal Nero:
You interrupt me?

Mrs. Bass:
Don’t mind the money

Mr. Remora:
Please, know a good lunch place?
Since we’re all quite hungry from the road

Mrs. Bass:
Indian’s fine
Vice Principal Nero:
Got a recital
For Thursday night
To show my genius
Then perhaps, I’d quit my job

Mr. Remora:
Banana buffet

Mrs. Bass:
Stuff to measure

Mr. Remora:
Got Esme’s invitations
For the party

Hal:
I bid you welcome
Didn’t know it’s a sad occasion

Mr. Remora:
What does that mean?

Vice Principal Nero:
Give me candy

Mrs. Bass:
I’ve got a list of items with some measured amounts

Vice Principal Nero:
Wish Coach Genghis was still here

Mrs. Bass:
In his defense, he’s running from the law
It’s constant stress you’ll never rest from the chase

Vice Principal Nero:
Can you please fetch some more napkins for us?

Dewey:
Not sure when we’ll see our gal J.S.
She’s now using a Vision Furthering Device
To watch the sky
Warned we’ll all be soon eating crow

Hal:
So she’d might prefer hers roasted for sure?

Dewey:
Sugar Bowl’s due by nightfall
Most likely it’ll be laundered
Concierge, take a Vernacularly Fastened Door
At 025

Hal:
It’s the laundry room which includes a long tall chute

Dewey:
Put this on the laundry room’s lock the best you can

[At the Hotel]

Businessman:
Just get these shirts down to dry clean, okay?

Newlyweds:
Please fetch us some fine champagne.

Socialites:
Escort us to the spa

Cheating Husband:
Don’t tell my wife!

Klaus:
So that’s how are all babies are made

Frank:
Our hotel guests are a trial

Pervy Executive:
Concierge, you’re easy on the eyes
How about you dress like some French maid!

Violet:
No way, I’m fifteen, you creep!

Tourist:
Can you recommend hot attractions?
Heard your courthouse is a top must-see

Professor:
Didn’t know they employ toddlers here

Denouement Triplets:
Ring concierges for more

Violet:
Can’t believe these demands are requested

Accountant:
Would you please, my toilet’s ill at ease.

Salesman:
Holy shit, why does my room teem with cockroaches?

Lawyers:
Can use some clean towels, any moment now

Movie Star:
Do you know for sure, where I’d get a manicure?

Klaus:
Pain in the ass
Excuse me, must use the restroom

Musician:
Just take my bags and take all of my amps

Hedge Fund Manager:
Please clean my suit and go shine my shoes

Fusion Jazz Band:
Thanks for delivering our Chinese, now smoke a toke with us, please

Violet:
Don’t want to see one more man’s privates.

Guests:
Concierges, please meet our every need
We ring the bells, you show up at our service
Don’t expect tips, your needs aren’t our concern
Now, concierges,
Times more

Violet:
So we end our shift ends at three. I go back to the lobby. Meet Klaus and Sunny.

All:
Once more!