After Kit Snicket leaves, the Baudelaires set foot in the Hotel Denouncement, the last safe place for V.F.D. with members showing up as early as possible for a large gathering on Thursday. It’s a 9 story building where rooms are arranged by the Dewey Decimal System with a large clock at the top, which is very loud, and a pond in the front door. Oh, and did I tell you the façade has a bunch of numbers listed backwards? Nonetheless, since it’s filling with spies of volunteers and villains alike, it’s a hotbed of cloak-and-dagger intrigue where you’re not sure who to trust. Even the managers Frank and Ernest appear on opposite sides with the former a volunteer and the latter a fire-starter. Nor could you tell which one you’re dealing with since they’re allegedly identical twins. Not to mention, the Baudelaires aren’t the only people working at to hotel with spying duties. So you might want to be wary of your bell hop not catching you in a compromising position. Or that chambermaid looking into your room while your away. Or that concierge staring intently at you while checking in or out. Or the bartender and restaurant owner listening in to conversations.

So I thought it was appropriate to use “One Night in Bangkok” from a musical called Chess which is about a chess tournament in a city known for its unique Asian beauty and architecture but seedy nightlife. The singer is a TV analyst for a match involving his Russian defector rival (by the way, Russia boasts some of the best chess grandmasters in the world). In this version, I have the Denouncement brothers and staff sing about the hotel’s equally seedy atmosphere that’s filled with more intrigue than a James Bond movie.

“Hotel Denouement”

Sung by Frank, Ernest, and Dewey Denouement

Frank:
Hi there, rather busy setting
And the city don’t know that the city is getting
The crème de la crème of V.F.D. in a
Show with everything but Kit Snicket

Time flies doesn’t seem a minute
Since we sort our rooms via Dewey Decimal System
All change don’t you know that when you
Own the last safe place, it’s no ordinary venue

It’s Mount Fraught or Anwhistle Aquatics or Heimlich or
or this place!

Staff:
Hotel Denouement and the world’s your oyster
The bars are open but the drinks ain’t free
You’ll find a spy in every golden cloister
And if you’re lucky then they’re in V.F.D.
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

Ernest:
One town’s very like another
When your head’s down over your duties, brother

Guests:
It’s a drag, it’s a bore, it’s really such a pity
To be looking at the time, not looking at the city

Ernest:
Whaddya mean? Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town

Staff:
Tea, girls, warm, sweet
Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite

Ernest:
Get Out! You’re talking to an exec
Whose every move’s always been suspect
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

Staff:
Hotel Denouement makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
Hotel Denouncement and the tough guys tumble
Can’t be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

Dewey:
This place’s gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of V.F.D. fitness
This grips me more than Christmas
‘Cept a conjugal visit with Kit Snicket

And thank God, I’m only watching the place controlling it

I don’t see you guys rating
The kind of move I’m contemplating
I’d let you watch, I would invite you
But the event we’ll hold would not excite you

So you better go back to your bars, your theaters, your massage
parlors

Staff:
Hotel Denouement and the world’s your oyster
The bars are open but the drinks ain’t free
You’ll find a spy in every golden cloister
A little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

Hotel Denouement makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
Hotel Denouncement and the tough guys tumble
Can’t be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me