The next morning, the Baudelaires visit Vice Principal Nero’s office. There, the kids notify him about their suspicions that Count Olaf has entered the school. However, as expected Nero dismisses each suggestion and takes their cutlery privileges away from them (since they entered his office without an appointment). And then Coach Genghis shows up to suggest that he may be Count Olaf. The kids insist he take off his running shoes, socks, and turban to prove it. But the guised Count Olaf refuses, complaining that his feet smell and the turban is consistent with his religious practice. The Baudelaires are dismissed and sent to the cafeteria to eat scrambled eggs with their hands. At least the Quagmires are willing to share their silverware. Still, later that day Carmelita gives the Baudelaires a message that they’re to meet with Coach Genghis that evening. That can’t be good.

The song I selected in this part is “Gee, Officer Krupke” from West Side Story. In the original, the Jets members make fun of a police officer by saying how they’re victims of the system instead of assholes and juvenile delinquents. It’s a humorous number where the guys play a bunch of authority figures and mock how these people perceive them. It’s a fun moment before the next night where there’s a gang fight and everything starts going to shit. In this version, I have the Baudelaires call out their suspicions to Vice Principal Nero.

 

“Vice Principal Nero”

Klaus:
Dear kindly Mr. Nero
Ya gotta understand
Not trying to cite fearo
That’s getting outta hand
We think that Count Olaf
Has entered on school land
Golly, Moses, please don’t piss us off

Violet:
Vice Principal Nero, we’re very upset;
We think your computer system has
Greatly failed you yet
If you don’t believe us
Perhaps inspect
Or give a thorough background check!

Klaus:
Background check!

Violet and Klaus:
Background check, background check
Do a background check
Give out a thorough background check

Vice Principal Nero:
You kids are just overreacting
Came here without an appointment?
No cutlery for you today!

Klaus:
Dear kindly, Mr. Nero
Olaf’s a master of disguise
He might be under our noses
And we wouldn’t be wise
He could be anybody
He could possibly be me
Leapin’ lizards—please God can’t you see?

Violet:
Right!
Vice Principal Nero, I got to be frank
We think that some Olaf’s disguised
As a notorious crank!
He may even see you as a musical god
But we three see him as a great fraud

Klaus:
He’s a fraud!

Violet and Klaus:
He’s a fraud, he’s a fraud
He’s a great big fraud
Like he’s a great enormous fraud

Vice Principal Nero:
That’s hilarious!
The only thing under my nose
Is my own mouth, kids
Which is now telling you to get the hell out
Else, should I check the boys’ basketball team?

Count Olaf (as Coach Genghis):
Hell, maybe I can be Count Olaf

Violet:
You?

Klaus:
Who you?

Violet:
Then if you are Count Olaf
Please remove your disguise
Take your shoes and socks off
To reveal your tattooed eye
And please unwrap your turban
To show your monobrow
Come on, Genghis, go ahead strip down!

Count Olaf:
No!
Vice Principal Nero, I shouldn’t be here
For I cannot fulfill the requests of the
Three Baudelaires
I’ve got a foot fungus that makes them stink
And I wear this turban cause I’m Sikh!

Klaus:
He’s a Sikh!

Violet and Klaus:
He’s a Sikh, he’s a Sikh
He’s a Sikh, Sikh, Sikh
Like he’s genuinely a Sikh!

Vice Principal Nero:
Well, these kids are natural comedians
Have you thought of stand-up?
Cause that’s a funny song and
Dance routine

Count Olaf:
Hey, don’t touch my turban!

Violet:
Oh, my bad. We’re really sorry!

Coach Genghis:
Dear kindly, Mr. Nero
Please accept these rose
I enjoyed last night’s sonata
That made me tap my toes
You sound like a great genius
Love how you compose
Jesus, Mary, how could they not know?

Klaus:
Eek!
Vice Principal Nero, just listen to me
Coach Genghis many not be the man
He claims to be
It ain’t just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he’s no good!

Violet:
He’s no good!

Violet and Klaus:
He’s no good, he’s no good
He’s no earthly good
Like he’s definitely no damn good!

Vice Principal Nero:
The trouble is you’re crazy
Do you honestly believe?
That our new gym teacher
Is not the man he seems
You suspect he’s quite shady
But you don’t have any proof!

Jesus, I got troubles can’t you see?
Baudelaire children,
Why don’t you just leave
Cause I don’t want to deal with
Your mental disease

Violet and Klaus:
Vice Principal Nero,
What are we to do?
Vice Principal Nero —
Fuck you!