While Dr. Orwell’s practically hypnotizing Klaus at the moment, the Baudelaire girls are stuck in the waiting room with her receptionist, Shirley who’s Count Olaf in a skirt. He may seem like a polite receptionist who made cookies. But once he’s alone with the sisters, he’s more than willing to tell them what he’s up to and that he’s working with Dr. Orwell to get to the Baudelaires. He also offers them a cookie and tells them that he wished in his life was to raise 3 children. Violet and Sunny aren’t having. Though to be fair, Sir could just as easily hand over the kids to Shirley since he doesn’t care much for them. Else he wouldn’t have them work in a dangerous lumbermill for coupons.

The song I used for Count Olaf as Shirley is “Just You Wait” from My Fair Lady. In the original version, Eliza Doolittle fantasizes about getting revenge on Dr. Henry Higgins for putting her through his abuse, which is kind of hilarious. But in this version, I have Count Olaf discussing his plans with the Baudelaire girls and the song taking a far more sinister tone.

“Just You Wait, Little Orphans”

Sung by Count Olaf (as Shirley)

Just you wait, little orphans, just you wait
You’ll be sorry but your tears ‘ll be too late
You’ll be dead and I’ll have money
Will I help you? Don’t be funny
Just you wait, little orphans, just you wait

Just you wait, little orphans, till you’re sick
And I’m sure a poisoned cocktail will do the trick
I’ll be off a second later and go straight to the the-ate-r
Oh ho ho, little orphans, just you wait

Ooo little orphans,
Just you wait till your brother has an accident
Ooo little orphans,
Thanks to Paltryville’s resident hypnotist

When someone’s sliced up in half
I’ll just giggle when you’re sacked
Oh ho ho, little orphans, oh ho ho, little orphans, just you wait

One day I’ll be famous, and real stinking rich
While the Baudelaire children will be deep in a ditch
I’ll douse their bodies with acid so they’ll never be found
Before I bury their remains in the ground

Then after I get them out of my path
I’ll spend their fortune fast
I will hold lavish parties with hookers and blow
I will have a fancy car with a fresh painted coat
I will make sure my critics are soon put to death
But I’d like Lemony Snicket’s head

But for now I’ll need to shave my legs
And sit all day at Georgina’s desk
But soon her hypnotism on bookworm will pay off
And he will manage to piss the mill owner off

As he raises his hand higher, he’ll shout
“Children, you’re fired”
Oh ho ho, little orphans, down you’ll go
Little orphans, just you wait