A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Rescue Boat Blues”


Unfortunately, the Baudelaires and Aunt Josephine’s rescuer turns out to be Count Olaf. But since he’s the only guy who came out for them, they have no choice but to board his boat because the boat they’re on is sinking thanks to the leech onslaught and the fact Aunt Josephine just had to eat a banana. Also, the sailboat had to be made out of wood instead of metal, which would’ve been much more resilient. Come to think of it, why didn’t Aunt Josephine’s cliffside house have metal supports and a lightning rod? Anyway, instead of sticking up to the kids (like she did in the TV show), Aunt Josephine pleads for her life, hands the kids over to him, and promises to move far away. Because she’s a coward who’s most worried about saving her own skin. And despite that the Baudelaires were willing to defend her. Still, at first, Count Olaf seems like he’s going to let her live. Until Aunt Josephine has to correct his grammar so he pushes her in to the leech infested Lachrymose waters. And you can guess the leeches devoured her. Let’s hope Sunny can put her little chompers to good use.


The song I selected is Jethro Tull’s “Rainbow Blues” which is most likely about Ian Anderson’s experience touring and live performing which soon becomes routine and the destination appear to become the same. In this version, I have Count Olaf rescuing Aunt Josephine and the Baudelaires while their fearful guardian pleads for her life. Too bad that was futile when she tries correcting Count Olaf’s grammar.


“Rescue Boat Blues”

Count Olaf (as Captain Sham):
By fire light in nighttime
Got on my boat with full speed ahead
Climb up, you’ll be safe here
I’m quite surprised you’re not yet dead.
For since your house went down in the waters
I almost assumed you drowned

It’s a shame you’re not even grateful
Since you’d be lost if I weren’t around

We wouldn’t be in the lake to begin with
If you didn’t force Aunt Josie to write up that note
So you could get our fortune
And maybe a knife on our throats

Count Olaf:
Poe’s got adoption papers
He’s moving fast to put you in my care.

But if you weren’t for your Aunt Josie
You wouldn’t need to rescue her
So when we return to Damocles Dock
I will be you ungrateful brats’ guardian
Perhaps Josie might care for a dip or to
Before the darkness turns into dawn

Aunt Josephine:
Don’t hurt me, just take the children
Promise you I won’t say a word to Mr. Poe
I’ll change my name and hairdo
You won’t hear me from where I go.

Count Olaf:
I had given you no reason to trust me
What makes you think I’ll let you live
I could easily push you overboard
If you put me through that grammar shit


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