Another familiar Christmas tradition that has endured is the Christmas card which people still send to each other during the holiday season. Though not to the same degree they once did like in the Victorian Era which saw the earliest ones. Actually the Victorian Era was a time when Christmas really became a big deal in much of the western world. Now some of these cards might evoke the kind of Christmas ideals you might imagine in a Dickens novel. But some of these seem to defy all explanation. Others will totally creep you out. Whereas many will embody both characteristics. Then there are some from the early 1900s that don’t do much better. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage Christmas cards your great grandparents didn’t want you to see.
- These cat musicians bring you tidings of good cheer.
Though to be honest, would you really want to listen to cats sing? Didn’t think so.
2. Christmas is the time of year to call your wife a prize package.
Though calling one’s wife a “prize package” seems kind of sexist. Well, as far as this card is concerned.
3. Santa wishes you a Merry Christmas by jet.
Okay, this is from a Soviet card. But still, this makes Santa look rather Godzilla sized. Guess reindeer magic can only go so far.
4. “Hurrah for Jolly Christmas, with all sorts of toys!”
However, I wouldn’t say the same for the goose. Since it’s being chased by a bunch of kids. One of whom wields a knife.
5. While ice skating, you’ll find Santa under the mistletoe.
Look, I know what mistletoe means in these vintage things. The answer is “No.”
6. “Care to sit on my lap, sweetie?”
I don’t like where Santa has his finger on this kid. Dear Lord, someone please call the police!
7. Compliments of the season from a monkey painting a dog’s portrait.
Well, at least the dog stands like a statue. However, I don’t see monkeys as having much artistic talent. But you never know.
8. Santa salutes those in space.
Another Soviet Christmas card. Nevertheless, note how the cosmonaut’s riding the rocket.
9. Merry Christmas from the cats on the bed.
And it seems like the dark cat wants to get frisky. But the white cat has other ideas. Also, are undressing?
10. May cycling owls bestow on you warm Christmas greetings.
Why do owls need to be on bikes to deliver stuff? Couldn’t they just fly? The ones on Harry Potter do just that.
11. Best wishes for Christmas from the beach.
Why the hell would you include sea creatures on Christmas cards? Doesn’t really make sense.
12. “A merry Christmas day!/Happy, bright, and gay!/Fortune guard you aye,/Like a brave dog Tray!”
Seems like this dog doesn’t seem too happy. More like disgusted over not getting the best table scraps.
13. Season’s greetings from a dog who likes to stay informed.
Apparently, he’s checking on the racing stats. He reportedly has money on the Fresno Stud.
14. For the best presents, always hang a large stocking at your bed for Santa.
Note that she’s holding a whip just in case Santa doesn’t give her what she wants. Like a doll mansion.
15. “May your Xmas be as bright as purest gold.”
But somehow, you have kangaroos mining and panning for it in Australia. And I’m sure they’re getting paid pennies a day for their troubles.
16. Speaking of kangaroos, some of them possess significant artistic talent.
Also, get a load on those hopping slippers. Still, these two gentlemen animals enjoy their smoking breaks.
17. Apparently, they don’t seem to make Christmas movies like they used to.
And you thought movies inspired trauma and nightmares now. Here we have a guy with a knife chasing a goose. Evidently it’s fun for the whole family.
18. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” like a dead messenger moth.
Okay, the inscription is quite unsettling since it involves a moth being a go-between and dying of exhaustion. How is that supposed to be merry, I have no idea.
19. “Every good wish for your Christmas” from frogs in boots with umbrellas.
Sure those frogs seem like they’re about to enter a line of fire. But the umbrellas kill the badass pose from there.
20. Flower children wish you a happy Christmas.
By “flower children” we mean flowers with kids’ heads on them. You know what nightmares are made of.
21. “Wishing you a merry Christmas” from two insect musicians.
Something tells me that the bee and the grasshopper will never be seen again after this. Because the bird will most definitely eat them.
22. Even Satan himself sends his regards on Christmas.
This card basically says, “I’m too broke to give you a present so I’ll send this instead.” Let’s hope this isn’t addressed to a close family member or significant other.
23. “A right merry Christmas for you” from a couple of circus clowns.
Guess this is a scene from the Victorian Era rendition of It. And I guess this is a 19th century Pennywise who’s even scarier.
24. You should always wish everyone a “Merry Christmas” even when being chased by island natives.
Boy, this evokes racist and colonialist stereotypes on all kinds of levels. I’m sure the natives are suggested to be cannibals on here.
25. “With love and good wishes for a happy Christmas,” from a bunch of drenched toys.
Seems like a rather politically incorrect version of Toy Story. And yes, there’s the blackface Golliwog who’s basically a racist caricature.
26. Santa makes a toast for Christmas.
Go home, Santa Claus. You seem like you’ve drunk too much wine. No wonder so many kids get the wrong present.
27. A black cat always looks forward to Christmas pudding.
Comment from Bored Panda reads: “Plot twist: the “beloved” family cat, namely ‘Mr. Bartholemeow Giggly-Bumpkins’, ate the original pudding as the oblivious humans enjoyed their hearty Christmas dinner, and in its place he put a pile of his pudding-excrement-filled cat litter, in order to finally take revenge on the humans for giving him such an atrocious name!”
28. Christmas greetings from the one who can’t get out of their shell.
This seems more appropriate for Easter than Christmas. Wonder if this is the unfortunate lovechild of Humpty Dumpty and Mother Goose.
29. “A jolly Christmas” to those who aren’t having the best of it.
So a kid falls into a frozen lake and is probably suffering from hypothermia. And this is jolly? Also why aren’t the other two kids helping him?
30. “While Christmas is here, be all of good cheer.”
Though I’m not sure how kids can smile while hauling large logs in the snow for the fire. But in Victorian times, child labor was rampant. Poor kids.
31. “Christmas greetings for the sake of Auld Lang Syne.”
For nothing inspires “Peace on Earth” like a Scottish soldier in a kilt uniform wielding a gun attached with a bayonet. Gives you an idea when it was made.
32. Even Santa likes to deck the halls with bows of holly.
Okay, that’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams. Doesn’t help that he’s making a list and checking it twice.
33. Apparently, babies aren’t spared from the Krampus’s wrath.
Those poor little tots. Seems like the Krampus is going to put them to the pitchfork. That’ll sure induce lifelong trauma.
34. Better be good for goodness sake, kids, or else the Krampus will kidnap and torture you.
Yes, kids, if you act like a brat, the Krampus will subject you to this. And no, your screams won’t save you.
35. Nobody is safe when the Krampus visits.
This seems straight from a horror movie. And yes, he’s already got at least one kid. So hide if you can.
36. Merry Christmas from Frosty the Snowman.
Why is Frosty warming himself by the fire? You what that will do to him. I mean fire practically melts him. Seriously, this doesn’t make sense.
37. Apparently, Santa has ditched the sleigh for rocket travel.
And he seems to bring helpers, too. But they seem to resemble garden gnomes.
38. Christmas time is always time for carols.
Though I’d almost think she’s singing to Cats. “Memory, all alone in the moon light…”
39. Rabbits and owls always enjoy playing games on Christmas.
Though if you know anything about nature, you know this won’t end well. Mostly because owls see rabbits as prey.
40. Children always wish good cheer to all on Christmas.
Though the kid is dressed like the Grim Reaper. And it seems more likely to inspire nightmares than good cheer.
41. Pine cone Santa wishes you a merry Christmas.
Yet, he’s putting a nut in his sack. No doubt this was made under the influence of drugs.
42. Nothing says Christmas like clowns terrorizing you at the barbershop.
And you wonder why people are afraid of clowns. These two are just cutting his hair and applying paste to his chin. Innocent fun? Certainly not. This is terrifying.
43. This year, the rats celebrate Christmas feasting on a dead cat.
Think about a Tom and Jerry cartoon straight from a horror movie. Apparently to these guys, Christmas is about taking revenge on one’s enemies.
44. “Merry Christmas to you” from the kid building his fort.”
Sure the cat may look on now. But once the guy’s away, it’ll topple the boy’s creation.
45. Naked man likes to wish you a merry Christmas.
Still, he should at least put something on. After all, we all know most dress codes usually operate on a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy.
46. Christmas parties are always a fun time.
“Not now, Herman, people will see us. Let’s just wait until they’re dancing and then we’ll do it.”
47. Now your little one can have their own Krampus plush toy.
Because some children want to bask into the dark side of Christmas. Still, this is just messed up.
48. Sometimes on Christmas you may have little Asian people serve you while you’re sleeping.
Talk about depicting racist attitudes under the influence of drugs. Not sure how this card came to exist. Also, what’s with the onion?
49. Santa Claus wishes you a Merry Christmas.
Bet these kids are like, “Please don’t come near us! You’re scaring us!” Talk about a hostage situation.
50. Children are always excited for Christmas coming.
Though seeing them wearing signs with emotionless faces gives me the creeps. Santa better give them presents or there will be hell to pay.
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 