After Thanksgiving, it’s not unusual to hear Christmas music played in stores as well as on several radio stations. And if you work in the service industry, you’re probably sick of hearing Christmas songs already, especially if they make your ears bleed. Of course, you may also see an array of Christmas albums by some of your favorite recording artists who worked on them during the summer. In some ways, recording a Christmas album might seem like a good idea. After all, some artists have recorded songs that have become holiday classics. Yet, other times a Christmas album might come across as a way to make money and will probably end up in the discount rack at a store near you. Nevertheless, as with any albums, Christmas albums come in a wide variety of covers. Some of them could seem tame like the Johnny Mathis cover above. But others come in covers that are hysterically tacky or in very poor taste. And in that case, you might wonder why anyone though such a design was a good idea. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy Christmas album covers.
- Gisele MacKenzie: Christmas with Gisele
Apparently, the dogs seem to have others ideas. Also, is she hugging a fur coat?
There’s nothing better than spending Christmas with your dogs.
2. RuPaul: Ho Ho Ho
I’m sure this yuletide drag routine is fine for RuPaul’s Drag Race. But for a Christmas album? Not so much. Also, the title doesn’t help matters either.
Evidently, RuPaul has tried to make forays into the Christmas music scene.
3. Yoko Ono: An Xmas Message from Yoko 1991
This doesn’t seem to be very Christmasy. Nothing here seems to inspire good cheer at all. Just a vast blackness.
Yoko would like to say something for the holiday season.
4. Bette Midler: Cool Yule
Bette Midler looks as if she’s about select tributes on Reaping Day. Not celebrate Christmas.
Didn’t know that Bette Midler was a fan of the Hunger Games.
5. God Jul Onskar
Though Towa couldn’t seem to eke a smile since a fly had been buzzing around her. This was the best she could do.
The whole gang would like to wish you holiday greetings.
6. Liberace: Christmas at Liberace’s
Then again, Santa was probably expecting a gaudy palace. And he was disappointed that he came to surprisingly normal furnishings.
Somehow Santa Claus wasn’t impressed by Liberace’s Christmas decorations.
7. John Travolta and Olivia Newton John: This Christmas
Guess the chemistry they had in Grease has evaporated. Also, is that John’s real hair?
I guess this is the Grease reunion none of us wanted.
8. Jingle Cats: Here Comes Santa Claws
Can’t believe you’d find another cat singing album. Still, the cat on the guitar is hilarious.
For those wanting to listen to cats screeching to holiday favorites, this is for you.
9. The Clancy Brothers: Christmas
Don’t seem to have any Christmas decorations here. But you have a couple glaring Irish stereotypes.
There’s nothing better than spending Christmas in an Irish pub.
10. Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors: Horny Holidays
Yeah, that guy seems more suited for a sex offender list than a Christmas album cover. And no, the Santa hat and beard doesn’t help.
Merry Christmas, from your local neighborhood sexual deviant.
11. Bob Ward: Merry Christmas, Especially for You
No, I don’t think the girls like Bob from accounting because he plays the organ. Rather it’s because he spends his lunch breaks creeping in the ladies room.
Because nothing makes the holidays like a creepy bald guy playing Christmas music on his organ.
12. A Brass Band Christmas
I’m sure the music is good. But depicting instruments as cartoon characters is more appropriate for a kids’ album.
We all know how brass guys stick together during the holidays.
13. Afroman: Jobe Bells
Though I do think seeing the reindeer with a cigarette is quite amusing. Then again, maybe that explains the look on Santa’s face.
Apparently, this Santa’s breaking all the rules.
14. Bob Kames: Organ and Chimes
From Music Radar: “As far as we know, this is the only one that looks like a carefully posed backwoods murder scene.” Caption reads: “Bob Kames, now in the Black Lodge forever.”
For Christmas would never be without a small decorated tree in the woods.
15. Anne Sofie von Otter: Home for Christmas
From Classic FM: “OK, so there’s a massive ghost version of ASVO, a creepy beach scene and a child on some sort of weird camping chair being pushed by an unknown adult. If that’s Christmas in the Otter household, we dread to think what happens at New Year.”
Christmas is always about spending time with family.
16. Bad Religion: Christmas Songs
Though why a boy would be exhilarated to receive a new pair of loafers is beyond me. Seriously, that’s a face of a boy who gets an Xbox.
After all, Christmas is about the joy of giving.
17. Canadian Brass: Christmas Time Is Here
From Classic FM: “We can’t fault the repertoire on this album, but the horrifying cover art is all over the place. And you’d think they’d get cold, gaily larking about on that incredibly realistic ice rink.”
Apparently, their rendition of A Charlie Brown Christmas wasn’t a rousing success.
18. Cheeky Girls: Have a Cheeky Christmas
From Official Charts: “It’s never inappropriate for two grown women to straddle a man dressed as Santa, is it?” Either way, Santa doesn’t seem to mind.
Apparently, Santa thinks these two have been very good this year.
19. Kiri Te Kanawa: Christmas with Kiri Te Kanawa
From Classic FM: “Dame Kiri is so excited about Christmas this year that she’s decided to wear nothing but Christmas decorations.” Kind of makes sense.
On Christmas it helps if a diva always shimmers.
20. Christmas with the Choral Scholars of King’s College, Cambridge
From Classic FM: “What do you mean we forgot to do the album artwork? Oh never mind, just knock something together with MS Paint, no-one will know. Clip-art’s really popular now anyway.”
Enjoy the season with the sound from the Cambridge University choir.
21. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: Once Upon a Christmas
From Music Radar: “This country coming-together is a spin-off from another Christmas special, CBS’ Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas To Remember from 1984. It’s also the exact moment at which Dolly Parton stopped aging – that mounted reindeer shows more wear from the last quarter century than the miniature dynamo.”
For nothing makes a country Christmas during the 1980s like a collaboration album with Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton.
22. Dapper Laughs: Proper Naughty Xmas
From Official Charts: “We don’t really have much to say about this absolute monstrosity but you can’t keep using ‘it’s cold’ as an excuse, Dapper…”
Please tell me that guy’s at least wearing underwear.
23. Donny Osmond: Christmas at Home
Donny Osmond here seems like he’d rather spend the holidays outside in the freezing cold than spend time with his family. And we thought the Osmonds were a happy bunch.
There’s no place like home for the holidays, unless perhaps you’re Donny Osmond.
24. Evie: Come on, Ring Those Bells
That way, if you don’t want to snuggle with her, she’ll hack you to pieces and feed you to the fire. Now isn’t that nice?
Evie always enjoys spending Christmas by warm fire.
25. Explosivo Tropical Bristol
And you can definitely see he tan lines as the tinsel and ornaments cover her naughty bits. Still, I’m sure this is part of a marketing ploy.
Season’s greetings from some hotel room in Mexico for some reason.
26. Fast Food Rockers: I Love Christmas
What do you mean this was from 2003? And it reached 25 on the charts? They also have a music video on YouTube which appears straight out of an acid trip. And yes, it’s as bad as you think.
For we all know how winter’s the perfect time for 1980s cartoon cosplay.
27. Hanson: Snowed In
Seems like these guys got caught up in the Christmas lights. Thankfully, they didn’t suffer any injuries. But none seem happy about it.
Who knew that these Hanson brothers sucked at Christmas decorating?
28. Hollywood Bowl Symphony Orchestra: Great Orchestral Music of Christmas
Apparently, while Santa bestows presents to all the girls and boys, he also tends to kidnap a few of them. Yes, definitely an album cover to induce trauma and nightmares.
There’s always a certain nostalgia with meeting Santa at the mall while on a bad LSD trip.
29. Ice-T: Christmas with Ice-T
Even Santa thinks this is ridiculous. Yeah, Ice-T, I think you’re an embarrassment by this point.
Uh, Ice-T, I think you’re way too old to sit on Santa’s lap.
30. Woody Phillips: A Toolbox Christmas
From Music Radar: “The cover to this gourd music monster looks like a soft-focus snuff movie before the messy part begins. The noise is even worse: it sounds a bit like real music, in the same way a tongueless dog howling at the moon sounds like a trained choirist. See?”
After all, why tinker in the garage without hearing the sounds of the holidays?
31. Jimi Hendrix: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Still, he doesn’t seem to wear the Santa suit well. Then again, this seems like a contractual obligation.
Hendrix had a Christmas album? Wonder what that sounds like.
32. Sing Along with Marcy: Christmas with Marcy
Though she could just as easily throw her cat on her lap into the fire. Don’t think this album’s full of good cheer at all.
Christmas is a time of year when you snuggle with your loved ones by the fire.
33. Motorhead: Ace of Spades Christmas Edition
One of these Santas is giving the finger. And no, you don’t want to know what’s under their robes. Also, is that cage in the background?
This year, Santa’s on the naughty list.
34. Mr. Hankey: Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics
Though to be fair, there are a lot of shitty Christmas albums out there. It’s just this one’s sung by a someone who knows he’s crap.
Nothing says Christmas like music coming from a literal turd.
35. New Kids on the Block: Merry, Merry Christmas
Though one of these guys looks as if he’s getting strangled by his scarf. Way to go, guys.
New Kids on the Block always enjoy sledding during the holidays.
36. A Christmas Gift for You from Philles Records
This is said to be 142 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time. However, since it was produced by Phil Spector, the imagery seems rather unsettling in hindsight. Because we all know that Spector would later go to prison for murder.
Each of their groups comes literally gift wrapped.
37. Joe Gibbs Family of Artists: Reggae Christmas
Yet, instead of decorating a Christmas tree, Jamaicans use a pot plant, which kind of works. Okay, maybe not. Still, is it any wonder why we associate reggae music with marijuana?
Apparently, Christmas is a very high time in Jamaica.
38. Scott Weiland: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
It seems like this guy’s in a dark alley to get some bootleg albums for his family. Doesn’t seem to have a smile emanating good cheer.
Though Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, his expression says otherwise.
39. Ringo Starr: I Wanna Be Santa Claus
From Music Radar: “Keeping up the collaborative theme, the album art was apparently designed through a colouring competition in McDonalds.” Also, this is from 1999?
Sorry, Ringo, but you seem to look more like the Grinch.
40. Tavin Pumarejo with his Tuna Fish: Trullando en Navidad
I’m not sure waht that has to do with Christmas. But I won’t be surprise if he’s tripping balls by now.
There’s nothing like Christmas like spending time with your dear uh, tuna fish.
41. Horacio Samalot: La Trifuca
To be fair, I’m sure this album was made somewhere in Latin America. But still, Santa and the 3 Wise Men? That can’t be right.
Santa always enjoys to play outside with the Three Wise Men for some reason.
42. Charlie the Hamster with Floyd Robinson: Charlie the Hamster Sing Christmas Songs with Floyd Robinson
There they are in the back of Santa’s sleigh. And it seems that Santa just took notice.
Great we have a Christmas album sung by a hamster.
43. Jul med Yngve Stoor
However, he appears to be sporting a sunburn while he’s playing a guitar. Also, no one wants to see him in a swimsuit.
Santa always enjoys riding the waves in the Pacific.
44. The Most Fabulous Classical Christmas Album Ever
From Classic FM: “We know, we know, it’s not right to play the ‘highbrow’ card when it comes to classical music. But really. Poodles? A sun with a face on it? A sequined sack with a cello coming out of it? Many, many composers are turning in their graves.”
For nothing makes a classical Christmas like a woman in a short dress and poodles on the roof.
45. Howdy Doody’s Christmas Party
Howdy Doody was a popular kid’s show in the 1950s. Though I totally understand if you think it was a horror show with killer clowns and dolls that would haunt your dreams.
Enjoy Christmas with Howdy Doody and his friends, kids.
46. The Yobs: Christmas Album
I’m sure this is kind of intentional. Still, it’s guaranteed to at least offend someone, which is kind of the point.
Seems like these guys are doing everything to get on the naughty list.
47. Christmas Dubstep
Looking at this, you’d think the North Pole was run the same way as the Playboy Mansion. Also, I don’t think yuletide lingerie can keep you from freezing to death in sub zero temperature. But Santa likes what he sees.
Kind of traumatizing to see Santa’s workshop as a sex dungeon.
48. Vienna Boys Choir: Christmas in Vienna
From Classic FM: “You know, this one wouldn’t be so bad if they actually looked like they were enjoying themselves. Even the dog looks clinically fed-up.”
Though the Vienna Boys themselves don’t seem quite merry this time.
49. Kim Se-Hwan: Merry Christmas
From Music Radar: “Normally, skiing without a helmet is considered dangerous, but Kim’s side parting is resin-coated and is strong enough to withstand bullets even when fired from close range.”
You can’t have Christmas in South Korea without some tinsel.
50. Rotary Connection: Peace
Okay, those heads are photoshopped to dolls. Guaranteed to inspire some yuletide nightmares during the season. Yeah, that really creeps me out.
Let’s hope those people on Santa’s lap are elves.