In the age of the internet, Amazon has emerged as the default retail outlet offering everything from books, gadgets, toys, and what have you. It also helps that before you make your purchase, you can read what other people have to say about a product in its review section. Each review can come with a 1-5 star rating along with an explanation. Most of these reviews can provide rather useful information even if they tend to be boring to read. Though they may not always be reliable since everyone has an individual bias. But there are some merchandise on Amazon that have rather entertaining reviews you can read just for kicks. Of course, some of them aren’t meant to be taken seriously, especially if they’re written by a person who didn’t purchase the product at all, perhaps to point out a fault and mock it. Yet, there are always some who might not simply understand the product’s purpose at all. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a grand treasure trove of Amazon reviews that will be well worth your time. I insist. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.
- This gas mask might not be ideal gear for an armed robbery.
Of course, it wouldn’t. The product description makes it perfectly clear it’s for a Halloween costume and isn’t supposed to function like a real gas mask. But this reviewer didn’t get the memo.
2. If you don’t have strawberry jam, this lube will do just fine.
However, strawberry lube isn’t a viable substitute for jam. Because lube isn’t made for human consumption. Well, it is, but I can’t get into that.
3. A stainless steel tongue cleaner is perfect for any dirty mouth.
It’s only fitting that many of these reviews are for ridiculous products. This one says how great their tongue has been since they tried it.
4. Can’t afford this $120,000 TV, you might qualify for financing.
Okay, this guy is just making fun of how this TV costs more than a car. Like what he says about the box he now lives in.
5. Dexter Morgan rated this stainless steel prep table 5 stars.
Still, if you’re a guy like Dexter Morgan, you shouldn’t review products on Amazon. I mean he’s basically giving himself away here.
6. For a Florida photographer, everything about this Sigma zoom lens is great except for the color.
Since it weighs 40 lbs and resembles a missile, you can clearly see why. Still, you would think it would come in black or gray like most camera gear.
7. You know you have good noise cancelling headphones, if you can’t hear your neighbor getting stabbed when wearing them.
Nevertheless, I’d be even more impressed if it pertained to someone getting shot. Because even with noise canceling headphones it would be hard not to hear a gun go off.
8. Uh, I don’t think I’d drink that Tuscan Whole Milk if I were you.
Actually, I think this review is a joke on how ridiculous it is to buy food online. The milk is obviously spoiled that it’s practically cheese. Disgusting.
9. Unfortunately, this Playmobil security checkpoint set doesn’t capture the real life experience.
The fact toys like this exists today really says a lot about our culture. Still, it’s funny how this kid wants a Playmobil neighborhood surveillance system.
10. Apparently, this account of Wagner’s Ring Cycle will satisfy any opera fan.
I think this person writes this review in order to put in a few sex jokes. Yes, “Penetrating Wagner’s Ring,” really?
11. Aspiring to be a dictator of a 3rd world country? Amazon has just the tank for you.
Actually this is just a $20,000 toy because civilians aren’t allowed to even own a real tank. Nor should they.
12. This classic cremation urn is perfect for storing your loved one’s ashes or brown sugar.
However, storing brown sugar in a cremation urn to play jokes on your friends is just sick. Also, I can tell ashes and brown sugar apart, thank you very much.
13. A pair of Zubaz pants can always make you feel like a man.
I don’t know about you, but I find these zebra pants outrageously tacky. Seriously, this guy has no idea how ridiculous these look.
14. For the love of God, don’t ever buy this zombie garden gnome.
I’m sure this zombie garden gnome is perfectly harmless. Why? Because gnomes are sculptures that don’t come to life.
15. According to this guy, using this toilet brush was absolute agony.
Uh, I don’t think he understands that people use a toilet brush to clean their toilet. Not wipe their butt with it.
16. Sometimes a Rubbermaid ice cube tray can make all the difference.
Okay, this review might come from someone who may have a problem. Even said how they threw away their old trays into an active volcano.
17. When using this no-crow rooster collar, proceed with caution.
From reading this, it appears this thing actually chokes the rooster wearing it for a long period of time. Talk about a device that’s cruel to animals.
18. Barbasol shaving cream is perfect for corporate espionage operations.
The review seems to come from a guy straight out of Jurassic Park. Also, I’m sure he’ll probably regret transporting those dinosaur embryos.
19. Mace brand bear pepper spray isn’t always 100% effective.
Uh, are you sure you aimed at the bear correctly? Because according to HowStuffWorks, bear spray is effective about 92-98% of the time. However, you have to spray the bear in the face.
20. Avery Durable Binder is great for storing women away.
This is a play on the Mitt Romney comment of “binders full of women” back in 2012. Yes, good times.
21. A lined cat muzzle will sure keep your kitty from staring at you awkwardly and eating.
Other than being possibly cruel to animals, this guy gave it a positive review. Though he might want to let his cat eat and breathe once in awhile.
22. Apparently, this watch doesn’t tell the time like this user wants it to.
For God’s sake, 1.3 milliseconds is nothing. Also, this guy seems to resort to really sick means of timekeeping which I can’t describe right now.
23. Sorry, but a coat rack won’t solve your relationship issues.
Seriously, this guy needs to move on. Also, what the hell does he think a coat rack is supposed to do?
24. A plastic desktop fan does a wonderful job keeping a man’s junk cool.
Still, I don’t think it’s this fan’s intended purpose. Also, why would a guy need to keep his junk cool? I don’t understand it.
25. Speaking of a man’s junk, best to avoid using veet on it.
I think this was made for men’s faces, not their private parts. And this guy just had to warn everyone.
26. Cheeseburger earmuffs will surely keep you warm.
I’d like to see a picture to get some idea on what the hamburger earmuffs looked like. But the description is fine by me.
27. Easy bake oven doesn’t bake anything right.
For God’s sake, is this person an idiot? The Easy Bake Oven is a toy, not an appliance! You can’t bake a loaf of bread in it.
28. Seems like someone’s complaining how this case can’t contain their pelican.
They don’t seem to get that Pelican is a brand name. It doesn’t say it’s a case for pelicans which it isn’t. But this person didn’t see it that way.
29. This $22,000 camera cost this person everything, but it was worth it.
$22,000 for a camera, that’s insane. User said it cost them 4 years rent and now has a restraining order against their kids due to gross negligence. Well, no shit.
30. Forever Lazy suits are great for couples who can’t get their hands off each other and those who gave up on life.
I can’t see why a fleece onesie would be sexy. Though the notion it can almost set a house on fire doesn’t surprise me.
31. According to this guy, this Bible doesn’t work at all.
Apparently, this person doesn’t get the idea of prayer. Sure he might want a Porsche or a burger. But you can’t take Scripture literally for God’s sake. Jesus Christ!
32. This $90,000 Zenith watch is a real bargain.
I’m sure this is a person who has more money than God. Because a normal person wouldn’t blow $90,000 on a watch and be able to afford a car or a vacation.
33. This book basically spoils everything on the cover and isn’t fun to read.
That’s because it was written for babies. Of course, you wouldn’t find it of any literary value.
34. Blowing all your money on these Nike foam sneakers is well worth the wait.
I know this is a joke. But spending $3,000 for shoes is obscene, especially if it provides the same kind of comfort as a pair costing $60.
35. These Bic Pens for Her have made this housewife a whole new woman.
I guess this is a play on Bic’s ridiculous idea as if women couldn’t write until they got their own pens. Besides, as a woman, I’ve used regular Bic pens for years.
36. This UFO Detector doesn’t work and isn’t worth the money.
I’m sure this UFO detector is more of a toy than anything. Because if it was used to detect UFOs, MIB would already have one.
37. Seems like sugar free gummi bears are a perpetual nightmare.
Uh, I’ve probably ate about 20 of these myself at one point. Nothing like that has happened to me at all. This is just insane.
38. For a 21st century workout, try this smart floor exerciser.
The mention of the NSA in this review cracked me up. But yes, this is a ridiculous product.
39. I’m sure you’re not supposed to go camping in this pyramid.
Because it’s not a tent. It’s for meditation in the outdoors. But try telling it to this guy.
40. Seaweed extract can rid you of house ghosts and cure your cat’s autism.
I guess this person knows this is a scam product that’s full of shit. But the review is funny.
41. This Kindle waterproof case cover does its job.
However, this customer didn’t seem quite satisfied with using it. Because they didn’t expect it to work so well.
42. This chastity device will keep your boy from jerking off when he hits puberty.
Look, I know men talk about their junk too much. But I totally understand if they think it’s a torture device.
43. Seems like this guy had no idea there were cheaper TVs available.
I’m like “no shit,” since my parents have a smart Samsung one that cost considerably less money. So I can’t blame the guy’s wife for kicking him out.
44. These Rubbermaid ice cube trays can change everything.
For some reason, people seem to view these ice cube trays as a lifesaver. Not sure why.
45. This banana slicer has saved this woman’s marriage.
For God’s sake, it’s a freaking banana slicer! It’s not a miracle device! It’s just used for slicing bananas like no big deal.
46. This USB cable works too fast.
Funny, cause excessive speed in a cable wouldn’t be what I’d complain about. Though the user gave the product 2 stars.
47. This horse head mask has saved lives.
Really? This is for looking silly, not for witness protection. Besides, it’s inspired by a key scene in The Godfather.
48. With Veet for Men, his farts are louder than before.
I guess Veet for Men is as ridiculous as a ballpoint pen for women. Still, I’m sure its Amazon page is fun to read.
49. If you need to learn English as a second language, this is the book for you.
I don’t think this is written by a real Russian. But it’s quite funny as hell.
50. Why waste toilet paper, when this bidet spray clean your butt better?
Sometimes you have to wonder if people are too open about their bodily functions. Still, not sure if I’d want this.
51. With a Swiss Army knife like this, a woman can turn into a man.
I wouldn’t go that far. But I see this woman’s point. Yet, no one could fit that in their pockets.
52. Apparently, a dinosaur T-shirt can get a guy to go too far.
It’s even funnier when you find out that the person’s son is a 29-year-old man. But yeah, don’t stick eggs up your ass. Please.
53. While this product works, you’d think this guy should’ve left his wife a long time ago.
Reading this you’d have to wonder about this guy. Tattoo remover or not, this guy’s wife was going to kick him out either way.
54. This lighter fluid review just states the obvious.
Well, at least it states what you can find in the product information. Not much else I can say.
55. Hulk hands won’t get you out of a life or death situation.
People don’t buy Hulk hands for fighting. Though it’s funny to know that the reviewer describes a schoolyard bullying scene and he’s in college.
56. This stun gun will defend you from potential muggers in the Walmart parking lot.
When you actually read this, you realize this guy is a real asshole. I mean he tried to electrocute a bunch of Girl Scouts.
57. Now here is a cookbook for those who give up on life.
I guess when people read this book, they think of those who’ll probably die alone. Yeah, kind of depressing.
58. This waterproof bluetooth speaker sure lives up to its description.
And this person says it’s quite indestructible, too. Because they said their father-in-law’s survived a tornado.
59. This penguin mask will surely scare the kiddies.
Yes, it’s kind of creepy. But what the hell, it could be fun if you like scaring people.
60. A bottle of glitter can be used for more than arts and crafts.
Apparently, from this review, it makes a handy security system. But this guy’s roommate wasn’t impressed.
61. A USB port for multiple devices can solve a lot of problems.
Yet, crippling alcoholism and an unhealthy obsession with Dakota Fanning will certainly wreck this relationship. This couple is really screwed up.
62. This silent wired mouse has saved at least one relationship.
Uh, I don’t think this guy should celebrate yet. Seriously, his girlfriend is literally cheating on him.
63. No, The Wolf of Wall Street didn’t have anything to do with wolves.
Still, if there were, it would’ve been a way better movie. At least a lot of the Wall Street characters would get what they deserved.
64. Unfortunately, Sunshine isn’t a movie about daylight savings time.
Also, this guy seems to have crazy expectations of this film. Maybe he just didn’t understand it.
65. This Furby is such an obnoxious toy you don’t want to get your child.
Well, furbies are annoying toys since they were a fad in the 1990s. But I don’t think it will turn your son into a hipster.
66. According to this guy, Good Will Hunting is a good movie ruined by excessive profanity.
Boy, this guy is sure going to hate The Wire. Besides, I didn’t think the profanity in this movie was that bad.
67. With a Bic pen for women, you can be a super woman.
Yes, Bic for Her is a ridiculous product and this review shows this. And no, I’m afraid she won’t end up with Robert Pattinson.
68. Unicorn meat is highly unethical.
They recommend you stick to dragon meat instead. Still, the unicorn meat isn’t real.
69. This horse head mask won’t fit on horses.
That’s because it was made for humans. So of course, it wouldn’t fit on a horse.
70. Fiji water is liquid ice.
This person is making fun of the concept of bottled water. I mean why buy it in a bottle when you can get it through pipes?
71. Guys, want to do other things while drinking beer? Behold, the black leather beer holster.
Of course, he does list some activities you’d rather not try while holding your beer in the holster. Yet, he rates it 5 stars.
72. Uh, I don’t think that wolf urine is meant for human consumption.
Actually, I think it’s for warding deer off your yard. Still, tasting it yourself is pretty disgusting.
73. This large Snickers bar is the best way to contract diabetes.
As to why you’d want that, I don’t have the slightest idea. But this guy does have a point.
74. Nothing can bring you joy like a bottle of face paint.
Though if you’re white, don’t go out with the brown one on. I hope I need not explain why.
75. Now if they had paper for women, this woman can finally learn to write.
Another slam on the Bic for Her. Because women have used the regular pens for years.
76. To avoid nuclear meltdowns, this tape is highly recommended.
No, this kind of tape probably wouldn’t be good for a nuclear power plant. But the review is very funny.
77. Hope teenagers can learn their lessons on avoiding huge ships.
Reading this, you’d almost think this person was talking about drugs. Yet, you can’t help but laugh.
78. This ancient humidor contains phenomenal cosmic powers.
Still, I think this review is full of crap or a complete joke. And no, I don’t think it was made by aliens.
79. The iPotty makes potty training easier.
Yet, I can see why this man isn’t the custodial parent. Also, letting your boy read “gentleman’s magazines” isn’t great parenting.
80. With a can of uranium ore, who knows what would happen.
There’s even a TMNT reference in it. Also, someone now types with 6 fingers. These are great.
81. For those attending an alt-righter’s Halloween party, have I got the mask for you.
Seems more like a lawn jockey mask. But if your friends like to dress in white robes, cut holes in sheets with conical tops, and burn a cross in the yard, go for it.
82. Grandpa’s pine tar soap makes a guy smell like a man.
Well, at least it’s not Axe. Still, don’t you enjoy reading Amazon reviews on men’s hygiene products?
83. The mangroomer gets rid of that pesky back hair.
You see, it’s rather easy to reach. But some guy got caught up in a lawsuit over it for some reason.
84. Be an invisible force in the night with this ninja mask.
So this thing can turn you into a badass? I don’t see how it’s possible.
85. Make your home look great with a Wallmonkey stock photo decal.
I can understand decals of superheroes, Harry Potter, or sports. But this is ridiculous.
86. If you’re a cop, equip yourself with some Blue Brand Pepper Spray.
Here this person is mocking how law enforcement treat campus protestors. Yes, I know it’s pretty appalling. But they make a point.
87. Start them young in counterterrorism with this toy predator drone.
I know drones are controversial. But I’m sure this is a toy that won’t hurt anyone.
88. This Samsung Framed TV is the best thing ever!
Seems like this guy really loves his TV despite how expensive it is and doesn’t fit in their house. Not sure if it’s worth it.
89. This Nicholas Cage pillow is a real national treasure.
No, I don’t think Nic Cage pillow is something I’d want to own. Besides, he’s a practical washout nowadays.
90. This portly frog is an artistic masterpiece.
But to me it’s a tacky lawn ornament you can buy almost anywhere. Though to each his own.
91. These shoes are great when you’re being chased by a dog.
This review is straight from The Sandlot. It’s one of those movies about baseball that’s based in the 1960s. Great for preteens.
92. The wife may take everything, but the man controls the thermostat.
Enjoy tormenting your ex-wife while it lasts, buddy. Cause you won’t be controlling the thermostat for long.
93. This Tri-bladed hand claw is perfect for getting syrup from a tree.
Makes me wonder why sap producers don’t use it very often. Also, you don’t get much sap from a tree to put on pancakes anyway.
94. A binder like this is great for office professionals, awful for caterers.
Once again, the binders full of women joke from 2012. Some can’t seem to get enough of these.
95. This guide is handy if you have adult children or a lot of them.
The second comment seems to make no sense whatsoever. Parents must’ve misread the title.
96. These sponges always put a smile on this user’s face.
But this person says they never use them and draws faces on them. Hope this person understands what sponges are for.
97. Clive Christian Imperial Majesty perfume will almost sweep any woman off her feet.
Well, if you’re talking about perfume for men, this is a good review to advertise. An interesting read.
98. If you love vultures, this mask is for you.
Though this person seems to be out for revenge. Also, unless it’s a California condor, a disguise wouldn’t be very effective.
99. If you live in LA, then wheelmate is just for you.
Though to be fair, I can’t blame people for wanting to do other things while stuck in traffic. Still, it has a potential to be a driving hazard when it comes to some people.
100. This patriotic tank top will make you a real American hero.
Sorry, but this isn’t going to make you into an American superstar. Also, kind of tacky as hell.
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 