Extra! Extra! Read All About These Breaking Newspaper Headlines

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Before the days of the Internet and TV, there was mass media called newspapers which informed the public of the day’s current events. One of their ways to catch viewers’ attention to articles was through a nice bold headlines. Of course, headlines on the front page usually got the most attention and were usually about events of historical and worldly significance. Nevertheless, newspapers continue to exist today but their glory days are very much over in this age of social media. Now I can show you all the great headlines I’ve seen before. But you’ll probably be bored by them to tears. So I’ll give you headlines by people who aren’t very good at some basic aspects associated with their job. Because unlike people on Twitter, they have to worry about things like grammar and syntax when their lines are in 124 characters or less. And sometimes they don’t come out very well. So enjoy these eye catching headlines for your reading pleasure. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. Oh, shit somebody squawked.
Didn't know that parrots could resort to such criminal behavior. Maybe that's why pirates kept them.

Didn’t know that parrots could resort to such criminal behavior. Maybe that’s why pirates kept them. Polly wants you to give him all your crackers or else.

2. Apparently, someone wasn’t sticking to their diet plan.

To be fair, I'm not sure if dieting works anyway. But that doesn't stop people from trying it.

To be fair, I’m not sure if dieting works anyway. But that doesn’t stop people from trying it.

3. When it comes to crime, this man probably comes as a jack of all trades.

So what do they mean by, "everything?" The term seems rather non-specific here. Like he was arrested for arson, murder, jaywalking, robbery, grand theft auto, rape, extortion, and more.

So what do they mean by, “everything?” The term seems rather non-specific here. Like he was arrested for arson, murder, jaywalking, robbery, grand theft auto, rape, extortion, torture, and more.

4. Apparently, Uranus has been acting up more than predicted.

I think someone was wanting to write that headline for years. Sound sort of like some dirty joke since Uranus is so unfortunately named.

I think someone was wanting to write that headline for years. Sound sort of like some dirty joke since Uranus is so unfortunately named.

5. When it bleeds, it leads, especially when it pertains to rhyme.

Yes, I know that moose-auto collisions are nothing to joke about. But this headline is hilarious for its rhyming scheme.

Yes, I know that moose-auto collisions are nothing to joke about. But this headline is hilarious for its rhyming scheme.

6. While some people have imaginary friends, the Dallas-Ft.Worth SWAT Team stages stand offs in apartments belonging to imaginary pot growers.

Yeah, a stand off in an empty apartment isn't going to inspire public confidence. Also, those "tomato plants" in the lead aren't really tomato plants.

Yeah, a stand off in an empty apartment isn’t going to inspire public confidence. Also, those “tomato plants” in the lead aren’t really tomato plants.

7. According to Nike, Tiger Woods plays with his own balls in golf.

Apparently that hasn't stopped him from cheating. But I think Nike was trying to say that Tiger plays with his own golf balls.

Apparently that hasn’t stopped him from cheating. But I think Nike was trying to say that Tiger plays with his own golf balls.

8. As far as “Civil War planes” go, I don’t think it pertains to America here. At least I hope so.

I know this headline refers to a civil war in another country. However, whenever Americans hear "Civil War" they usually think about something that happened nearly 4 decades before airplanes were invented.

I know this headline refers to a civil war in another country. However, whenever Americans hear “Civil War” they usually think about something that happened nearly 4 decades before airplanes were invented.

9. Guess that marks the end of that discussion.

So this was a meeting on open meetings which was closed? Interesting.

So this was a meeting on open meetings which was closed? Interesting.

10. When it comes to organizations, sometimes you don’t know what they stand for.

However, this article has something to do with a nuclear waste incineration. For me this begs the question, why do nuclear waste incinerators even exist? Seriously, you can guess the environmental harm here.

However, this article has something to do with a nuclear waste incineration. For me this begs the question, why do nuclear waste incinerators even exist? Seriously, you can guess the environmental harm here.

11. Well, finding caskets in a mausoleum is kind of expected.

Because we all know what mausoleums are for. Seriously, you're bound to find caskets in them because they are stored there.

Because we all know what mausoleums are for. Seriously, you’re bound to find caskets in them because they are stored there.

12. As far as the 10 Commandments are concerned, the courts are divided on the question.

I guess this refers to displaying the 10 Commandments in public places which is a very contentious issue. But it certainly doesn't read that way.

I guess this refers to displaying the 10 Commandments in public places which is a very contentious issue. But it certainly doesn’t read that way.

13. Sometimes gun ownership responsibility starts at a very young age.

At first, I thought the firearm in question might be a BB gun. Turns out it's a real gun which just begs the question: How in the hell did a baby manage to win this? I mean this very picture pretty much sums up why I staunchly support gun control.

At first, I thought the firearm in question might be a BB gun. Turns out it’s a real gun which just begs the question: How in the hell did a baby manage to win this? I mean this very picture pretty much sums up why I staunchly support gun control.

14. Seems like she won’t be a positive role model for girls anytime soon.

To be fair, this girl won a beauty pageant. But whoever came up with this headline has a very poor choice in vocabulary.

To be fair, this girl won a beauty pageant. But whoever came up with this headline has a very poor choice in vocabulary.

15. Apparently, despite being broke, they somehow had $250,000 laying around to advertise.

I guess this county's officials weren't known for having any dollars or sense. Yeah, spending $250,000 to advertise being broke. That'll surely go well with the citizenry who'll probably vote some of these people out next Election Day.

I guess this county’s officials weren’t known for having any dollars or sense. Yeah, spending $250,000 to advertise being broke. That’ll surely go well with the citizenry who’ll probably vote some of these people out next Election Day.

16. Utah paperboy gets attacked by a goat of the Dark Lord.

Looking at this headline, the kid being attacked by a goat isn't the most surprising thing here. My question would be: who the hell names their goat Voldemort? Seriously.

Looking at this headline, the kid being attacked by a goat isn’t the most surprising thing here. My question would be: who the hell names their goat Voldemort? Seriously.

17. Doctors never said he would walk again, they were right.

Sure it's a realistic story. But it's not what people want to read about since stories like this usually end up with the person walking again. This is a letdown.

Sure it’s a realistic story. But it’s not what people want to read about since stories like this usually end up with the person walking again. This is a letdown.

18. Sure it’ll kill you but arsenic in water is nothing to worry about.

Uh, arsenic in water is a big problem. It's poisonous. It kills people. Whoever's in charge of the Water Authority in that neck of the woods out to be fired.

Uh, arsenic in water is a big problem. It’s poisonous. It kills people. Whoever’s in charge of the Water Authority in that neck of the woods out to be fired.

19. Sometimes painting something in camouflage makes it hard to find.

Even better is that it was from Australia and cost $74,000. That can't be good, especially considering the taxpayers who paid for it.

Even better is that it was from Australia and cost $74,000. That can’t be good, especially considering the taxpayers who paid for it.

20. Unfortunately, Florida strip clubs don’t accept that kind of pussy.

This man must be nuts. I mean calling 911 after your cat's denied entry into a strip club? Who the hell does that? Most public establishments don't allow pets anyway.

This man must be nuts. I mean calling 911 after your cat’s denied entry into a strip club? Who the hell does that? Most public establishments don’t allow pets anyway.

21. Fruit truck crashes, creates jam.

So was it a traffic jam or a fruit jam? Sometimes it's hard to tell in such headlines.

So was it a traffic jam or a fruit jam? Sometimes it’s hard to tell in such headlines.

22. When there’s smoke, there’s fire. When there’s condensation, there’s no fire.

Apparently, these fire crews don't seem to know the difference between clouds or smoke. Then again sometimes it's hard to tell.

Apparently, these fire crews don’t seem to know the difference between clouds or smoke. Then again sometimes it’s hard to tell.

23. So can you be more specific?

Yes, dead bodies are found in cemeteries because that's where people put them. Then again, this grave yard seemed to have a corpse too many.

Yes, dead bodies are found in cemeteries because that’s where people put them. Then again, this grave yard seemed to have a corpse too many.

24. Man tries to rob a gun store with a knife.

Guess this guy was planning some armed robbery at some point. Still, why he'd go in there with one is a mystery.

Guess this guy was planning some armed robbery at some point. Still, a gun store would be the last place anyone would want to rob.

25. Well, sometimes mailboxes and poop boxes can have a lot of similarities in the UK.

At least that explains why his friends have been complaining about not getting in touch. Still, the poo box is marked with an obvious sign.

At least that explains why his friends have been complaining about not getting in touch. Still, the poo box is marked with an obvious sign.

26. Remember, Amish kids, practice buggy safety and don’t drink and drive.

Makes you wonder how many horse drawn accidents were caused by intoxication. Probably a lot. Also, thought Amish people didn't drink.

Makes you wonder how many horse drawn accidents were caused by intoxication. Probably a lot. Also, thought Amish people didn’t drink.

27. Earthquake damage mostly caused by shaking.

Obviously everyone knows that. Why do you think earthquakes are so destructive that California cities have to come with new construction methods.

Obviously everyone knows that. Why do you think earthquakes are so destructive that California cities have to come with new construction methods.

28. How about never talk to police because they’re dead.

The reasons why homicide victims don't talk to cops are obvious. Because dead men tell no tales. Yet, newspapers still print such shit like this.

The reasons why homicide victims don’t talk to cops are obvious. Because dead men tell no tales. Yet, newspapers still print such shit like this.

29. After morgue shooting spree, 17 remain dead.

However, I don't think "remain" is a good word choice when you're talking about those killed in a morgue shooting spree. Because most people in morgues are usually dead on arrival.

However, I don’t think “remain” is a good word choice when you’re talking about those killed in a morgue shooting spree. Because most people in morgues are usually dead on arrival.

30. Well, of course you’re going to find weapons if you raid a gun store.

Couldn't they just say the Feds raided a gun shop. You don't have to be more specific.

Couldn’t they just say the Feds raided a gun shop. You don’t have to be more specific.

31. Make lemons juicier with cow piss.

That is one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard. Then again, they might be referring to using cow piss on lemon trees, not lemons.

That is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard. Then again, they might be referring to using cow piss on lemon trees, not lemons.

32. Guess somebody in Sports had keyboard trouble.

Looks like it was keyboard trouble to me. Wonder what caused that jam.

Looks like it was keyboard trouble to me. Wonder what caused that jam.

33. Well, at least the red tape is holding the bridge.

Sorry, but the new bridge hasn't been constructed yet due to it being held up in red tape. My mistake.

Sorry, but the new bridge hasn’t been constructed yet due to it being held up in red tape. My mistake.

34. Something seems to be missing in this headline because it doesn’t paint a great picture for Belmullet.

When one hears, "Massive Blow Jobs for Belmullet," it's not a family friendly picture. In fact, quite the contrary.

When one hears, “Massive Blow Jobs for Belmullet,” it’s not a family friendly picture. In fact, quite the contrary.

35. Apparently, his pant pockets had refrigeration.

Now that's a bad place to keep an ice cream sandwich. Seriously, all that does is lead to a huge mess since ice cream melts.

Now that’s a bad place to keep an ice cream sandwich. Seriously, all that does is lead to a huge mess since ice cream melts.

36. Man assaulted by dildo in home invasion but dog killed.

Sure home invasions resulting in pets getting killed are scary. Home invasions involving sex toys though, just so hard to take seriously. But perhaps a dildo can be a deadly weapon.

Sure home invasions resulting in pets getting killed are scary. Home invasions involving sex toys though, just so hard to take seriously. But perhaps a dildo can be a deadly weapon.

37. I think this school might need to find a new mascot.

Apparently, who ever wrote this headline has no idea what "jack off" means. Hint: it has nothing to do with basketball.

Apparently, who ever wrote this headline has no idea what “jack off” means. Hint: it has nothing to do with basketball.

38. I thought it dropped off earlier than that.

Well, of course, teen pregnancy drops off significantly at that point. Because when a woman is pregnant at 25, she's not a teenager.

Well, of course, teen pregnancy drops off significantly at that point. Because when a woman is pregnant at 25, she’s not a teenager.

39. Rabid dear kicks woman in the face.

Unlike what people usually think about deer, they are not like Bambi. Also, a deer doesn't have to be rabid to attack people.

Unlike what people usually think about deer, they are not like Bambi. Also, a deer doesn’t have to be rabid to attack people.

40. Best man wounded by flying dildo at wedding.

It's one thing to be left bleeding from anything. But it's utterly embarrassing to sustain a dildo injury.

It’s one thing to be left bleeding from anything. But it’s utterly embarrassing to sustain a dildo injury.

41. Joint committee debates marijuana issue.

I think it has something to do with the government and legalization. And no, I don't think they were toking a joint either.

I think it has something to do with the government and legalization. And no, I don’t think they were toking a joint either.

42. Apparently, male Republicans have been rather insecure about their masculinity these days.

Actually, I don't think it has more with Obama's policies. But seeing how the Republican Party has been acting up these days, you have to wonder.

Actually, I don’t think it has more with Obama’s policies. But seeing how the Republican Party has been acting up these days, you have to wonder.

43. Well, isn’t anybody?

Of course, Diana was still alive hours before she died. That's not news to anybody.

Of course, Diana was still alive hours before she died. That’s not news to anybody.

44. Let’s hope this is metaphorically speaking.

Yes, I know A-Rod and Wang are baseball players. But the headline is so suggestive for some reason.

Yes, I know A-Rod and Wang are baseball players. But the headline is so suggestive for some reason.

45. Son of Westboro Baptist Church leader attacked by naked 500lb Man.

Reading it, it's almost like you're in the room. Not sure if I want to know how this went down.

Reading it, it’s almost like you’re in the room. Not sure if I want to know how this went down. Then again, it could be a joke.

46. Now what do we do about the homeless after they survived the winter?

Really? How about you know try to help them get homes. That might be a start.

Really? How about you know try to help them get homes. That might be a start.

47. I should’ve known that those Japanese scientists were a strange bunch.

To be fair, they're growing frog eyes and ears in a lab. But that's not how the headline reads.

To be fair, they’re growing frog eyes and ears in a lab. But that’s not how the headline reads.

48. Sometimes coming up with headlines can be harder than it looks.

Guess someone didn't think of a great headline at the time. And went with that. Doesn't really capture the story, does it?

Guess someone didn’t think of a great headline at the time. And went with that. Doesn’t really capture the story, does it?

49. Man shot after cops saw a suspiciously small package in his underwear. That must be embarrassing.

I guess the package seemed to contain something like drugs. Still, it reads like the guy was shot for not being well endowed.

I guess the package seemed to contain something like drugs. Still, it reads like the guy was shot for not being well endowed.

50. One armed man always appreciates the kindness of strangers.

Since he can't really carry some stuff himself. Because he has one arm and it's tough living with that.

Since he can’t really carry some stuff himself. Because he has one arm and it’s tough living with that.

51. Seems like the penis enlarger wasn’t exactly what this guy expected.

I think this guy was pranked for some reason. Then again, if he wants his junk to look bigger, a magnifying glass is perfect for him.

I think this guy was pranked for some reason. Then again, if he wants his junk to look bigger, a magnifying glass is perfect for him.

52. Chinese zoo tries to pass hairy dog as lion to save money.

Uh, excuse me, but that does not look like a lion to me. Why did the Chinese zoo think that they'd get away with this?

Uh, excuse me, but that does not look like a lion to me. Why did the Chinese zoo think that they’d get away with this?

53. Unfortunately, even muggers want the newest cell phones these days.

I find that hard to believe. I've been using a flip phone for years and I don't complain.

I find that hard to believe. I’ve been using a flip phone for years and I don’t complain.

54. Russian bears get high on jet fuel.

Sure the jet fuel isn't good for the bears. But they seem to have a great time nonetheless.

Sure the jet fuel isn’t good for the bears. But they seem to have a great time nonetheless.

55. Man kicks burning terrorist in the balls, suffers ankle injury.

It's a miracle he didn't suffer anything worse than that. This is especially when you consider that the terrorist was on fire.

It’s a miracle he didn’t suffer anything worse than that. This is especially when you consider that the terrorist was on fire.

56. Mayor to homeless: go home.

Uh, how do you expect the homeless to go home? Because they don't have one.

Uh, how do you expect the homeless to go home? Because they don’t have one. This guy’s a turd.

57. Well, you should expect that some horny ghost might be haunting places.

After all, I've seen Harry Potter and Ghostbusters. It shouldn't be an unusual thing.

After all, I’ve seen Harry Potter and Ghostbusters. It shouldn’t be an unusual thing. So I guess this Kevin is too friendly.

58. Lawyer killer receives new attorney.

Guess the guy wasn't satisfied with the first lawyer. Hope the second one works out.

Guess the guy wasn’t satisfied with the first lawyer. Hope the second one works out.

59. Apparently not at this newspaper.

For some reason, there's a reporter out there who doesn't know how to spell Mississippi. This one is missing an "s" or two.

For some reason, there’s a reporter out there who doesn’t know how to spell Mississippi. This one is missing an “s” or two.

60. Dwarf sues grocer for belittling remarks.

Somehow this paper isn't helping its case by using the term "midget." Dwarves find the term derogatory.

Somehow this paper isn’t helping its case by using the term “midget.” Dwarves find the term derogatory.

61. For a psychic, you’d think she see this coming.

Considering that it was her second arrest. Yet, she didn't seem to see beyond that.

Considering that it was her second arrest. Yet, she didn’t seem to see beyond that.

62. Looks like ninjas want their stash, too.

And to think they were attacking a medical marijuana man, too. Also, what's the deal with ninjas in California?

And to think they were attacking a medical marijuana man, too. Also, what’s the deal with ninjas in California?

63. When naming your organization, make sure it doesn’t result in an unfortunate acronym.

In this context, MILF stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Front which is an Islamist terrorist group in the Philippines. In America, "MILF" is a term that's applied somewhat differently like in porn.

In this context, MILF stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Front which is an Islamist terrorist group in the Philippines. In America, “MILF” is a term that’s applied somewhat differently like in porn.

64. Looks like someone is finally cracking down on the pigeon racket.

Gambling in pigeon races? First off, how is pigeon racing even a thing? Second, people bet on them?

Gambling in pigeon races? First off, how is pigeon racing even a thing? Second, people bet on them?

65. Squirrel causes power outage and water shortage.

Yes, I know this is a funny news headline. But it's in bold type since it caused a breach in the power lines in Tampa. It wasn't funny to the people of Tampa.

Yes, I know this is a funny news headline. But it’s in bold type since it caused a breach in the power lines in Tampa. It wasn’t funny to the people of Tampa.

66. I thought nudists would welcome this sort of thing.

Oh, they're erecting towers. But still, that's a poor word choice there. "Building" might've been better.

Oh, they’re erecting towers. But still, that’s a poor word choice there. “Building” might’ve been better.

67. Residents, keep your guard and beware of the otters.

Yes, otters are a menace so try to avoid devastation by this ravenous animal. For God's sake, I can't take this headline seriously.

Yes, otters are a menace so try to avoid devastation by this ravenous animal. For God’s sake, I can’t take this headline seriously.

68. Apparently, there are some people who think he stinks.

Yes, his name is Colon. And yes, I assume he had to overcome a lot of obstacles to get to where he is. Because he has a very unfortunate last name.

Yes, his name is Colon. And yes, I assume he had to overcome a lot of obstacles to get to where he is. Because he has a very unfortunate last name.

69. Lesbian dressed as sumo wrestler assaults ex-girlfriend.

Have to imagine what happened here. I know it's not something to joke about. But the costumes make it hard to take the story seriously.

Have to imagine what happened here. I know it’s not something to joke about. But the costumes make it hard to take the story seriously.

70. Turns out, cats understand us but don’t really care.

And for the record, neither do dogs. But dogs seem to hide it better. Still, this is pretty funny.

And for the record, neither do dogs. But dogs seem to hide it better. Still, this is pretty funny.

71. Clearly, there have been a lot of state prison breakouts lately.

Well, why they'd have easy-open locks in a prison is beyond me. Because crooks could easily break out in them.

Well, why they’d have easy-open locks in a prison is beyond me. Because crooks could easily break out in them.

72. Utah Poison Center tells everyone don’t take poison.

I guess this is something everyone should know anyway. But don't really seem to. Wonder why.

I guess this is something everyone should know anyway. But don’t really seem to. Wonder why.

73. Sorry, kids, but it turns out Pooh and the Abominable Snowman aren’t so nice after all.

Okay, that picture probably has nothing to do with the story. But since it appears below a headline, it makes one suspicious.

Okay, that picture probably has nothing to do with the story. But since it appears below a headline, it makes one suspicious.

74. Seems like this city has no idea that sewers are supposed to smell.

Once again, whoever came up with this headline should be more specific like in how the sewer smells. Because if it smells like human waste and other garbage, then it's nothing of concern.

Once again, whoever came up with this headline should be more specific like in how the sewer smells. Because if it smells like human waste and other garbage, then it’s nothing of concern.

75. Russian sex lizards die in space orbit.

Sex geckos? You have to be serious? Russians were sending geckos to explore their sex lives in space. Yeah, that's ridiculous.

Sex geckos? You have to be serious? Russians were sending geckos to explore their sex lives in space. Yeah, that’s ridiculous.

76. Deer with big rack turns out to be a doe in Iowa.

Yes, this happens but not too often that it's a big deal. My neighbor's dad caught a doe with antlers once. But I think "antlers" would've been a better word choice than "rack."

Yes, this happens but not too often that it’s a big deal. My neighbor’s dad caught a doe with antlers once. But I think “antlers” would’ve been a better word choice than “rack.”

77. Apparently, these threats are getting out of hand.

Looks like the threats are screwing up everything here. Even when it comes to talking about them.

Looks like the threats are screwing up everything here. Even when it comes to talking about them.

78. Drunk man eats underwear to beat breathalyzer.

And no, the underwear wasn't edible either. Nevertheless, please don't try this at home. It's stupid.

And no, the underwear wasn’t edible either. Nevertheless, please don’t try this at home. It’s stupid.

79. Apparently, flatulence can bring down your opera singing career.

Then again, given how opera is about tragic subjects, farting can be distracting. Still, it's pretty funny.

Then again, given how opera is about tragic subjects, farting can be distracting. Still, it’s pretty funny.

80. Seems that things have been slowing down faster than ever before.

Yes, I know that it's trying to describe some economic function. But it seems quite ironic in description.

Yes, I know that it’s trying to describe some economic function. But it seems quite ironic in description.

81. Remember, kids, don’t try to take a selfie with a rattlesnake or you’ll end up like this guy.

Let me guess, guy got bit by rattlesnake so he might lose a hand? And because he wanted to take a selfie with it. Can people be that stupid?

Let me guess, guy got bit by rattlesnake so he might lose a hand? And because he wanted to take a selfie with it. Can people be that stupid?

82. Unfortunately, angry management classes aren’t 100% effective.

Yes, a stabbing erupted during an anger management class. And it seems someone might need an intervention or be held down.

Yes, a stabbing erupted during an anger management class. And it seems someone might need an intervention or be held down.

83. Woman has been missing since lost.

Well, isn't that obvious? Don't lost people end up missing? What about a specific time frame?

Well, isn’t that obvious? Don’t lost people end up missing? What about a specific time frame?

84. Yes, the sewage killed fish, but the water is still safe to drink.

If a sewage spill leads to fish dying, then the water is surely not safe to drink. Get a freaking clue.

If a sewage spill leads to fish dying, then the water is surely not safe to drink. Get a freaking clue.

85. Sick policy now requires a 2 day notice.

So how do you plan on being sick? Oh, wait you don't. Seriously, that policy defies all logic behind the concept of being sick.

So how do you plan on being sick? Oh, wait you don’t. Seriously, that policy defies all logic behind the concept of being sick.

86. Apparently, the murderer feels like the detective ruined his good name.

Of course, the detective wouldn't have done so had the murderer not killed somebody. The only thing the detective did was gather evidence that he did it which is their job.

Of course, the detective wouldn’t have done so had the murderer not killed somebody. The only thing the detective did was gather evidence that he did it which is their job.

87. According to the Feds, fish need water.

We've known that forever. Because fish are practically swimming in it. This is not news.

We’ve known that forever. Because fish are practically swimming in it. This is not news.

88. Aren’t psychics supposed to predict the future instead of state the obvious?

Seems like these psychics aren't doing their job. Because we already know the world didn't end yesterday.

Seems like these psychics aren’t doing their job. Because we already know the world didn’t end yesterday.

89. Bullied? Act less gay, teachers say.

This is pretty insulting because how could you act less gay? Besides, what do they mean by "acting gay?" It doesn't make sense.

This is pretty insulting because how could you act less gay? Besides, what do they mean by “acting gay?” It doesn’t make sense.

90. Break your hip in a hospital? Call an ambulance.

If you fall and injure yourself in the hospital, you shouldn't need to call an ambulance. Because the hospital is right there.

If you fall and injure yourself in the hospital, you shouldn’t need to call an ambulance. Because the hospital is right there.

91. Apparently, cemetery residents are making a comeback.

So does this mean there's a zombie infestation going on? Because that does not seem quite right for some reason.

So does this mean there’s a zombie infestation going on? Because that does not seem quite right for some reason.

92. Seems like otters are finding a new taste in mini-vans these days.

Like how they make the otter look so evil in this. Still, I don't think otters would snack on cars because they're much smaller than the smallest vehicles on the road.

Like how they make the otter look so evil in this. Still, I don’t think otters would snack on cars because they’re much smaller than the smallest vehicles on the road.

93. Holy shit, how could Rover be such a monster!

Another case where the article is next to the wrong picture. And they always thought Rover was a good boy.

Another case where the article is next to the wrong picture. And they always thought Rover was a good boy.

94. Apparently, an Illinois executive is going to be away for quite some time like forever.

When saying that an executive is entering witness protection, I don't think it's appropriate to display a picture of him. I mean they guy's in witness protection for a reason.

When saying that an executive is entering witness protection, I don’t think it’s appropriate to display a picture of him. I mean they guy’s in witness protection for a reason.

95. Don’t look now, but the Chinese might be hiding their subs in the sea.

Yeah, that's about as obvious as anything else. Not exactly what I'd call news because that's what submarines do.

Yeah, that’s about as obvious as anything else. Not exactly what I’d call news because that’s what submarines do.

96. New findings suggests that chance of rain may depend where you live.

But of course, you already know that since you learned about climate. Because rainfall is heavily dependent on that.

But of course, you already know that since you learned about climate. Because rainfall is heavily dependent on that.

97. Out of options, hospitals have now resorted to hiring doctors.

Which is exactly what hospitals do. Because that's where many doctors work.

Which is exactly what hospitals do. Because that’s where many doctors work.

98. Scientists now say that starvation can lead to health hazards.

Like malnutrition and death. Because without food, you'll waste away and die.

Like malnutrition and death. Because without food, you’ll waste away and die.

99. I’m afraid tacos aren’t an acceptable form of identification.

Then again, being drunk kind of explains it. Also the setting his car on fire which he'll regret.

Then again, being drunk kind of explains it. Also the setting his car on fire which he’ll regret.

100. Guy tries to buy toy poodles, buys ferrets instead.

Okay, that picture on the right does not look like a dog at all. How this guy couldn't tell the difference between a dog and a ferret, I don't understand.

Okay, that picture on the right does not look like a dog at all. How this guy couldn’t tell the difference between a dog and a ferret, I don’t understand.

Students Say the Darnedest Things

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Along with it being a month when most people take vacations, August also is prime time for back to school season or as the guy from that old Staples commercial, “the most wonderful time of the year.” So after family vacation, is back to school shopping where parents take their kids to buy the things they need for the new school year. So I thought a great way to commemorate the occasion would be a post on what students say on their tests  and  assignments. Sure you may have to wonder whether these kids are taking school seriously since most of these answers are wrong as far as the teachers are concerned. Yet, these are wrong in ways that they’re kind of funny. Some of them may be by students who’ve made honest mistakes like the younger kids. Some of them may be by complete smartasses or people who might’ve taken the question way too literally. But at any rate, I hope parents and teachers may enjoy these answers. So for your viewing pleasure, I show them to you.

  1. Explain how zookeepers use food to help the lives of animals.
Seems like this kid is trying to see what these zoo animals are like on the inside. Not sure if that's right though.

Seems like this kid is trying to see what these zoo animals are like on the inside. Not sure if that’s right though.

2. Of course, some people still write in the section when they’re told not to.

Yeah, you may only live once. But that' doesn't mean you should write "YOLO" where you shouldn't.

Yeah, you may only live once. But that’ doesn’t mean you should write “YOLO” where you shouldn’t.

3. Guess acronyms are harder to figure out than you originally thought.

No, I don't think PEMDAS means "Pleas Excuse My Dope Ass Swag." It's more like "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally" or parenthesis, equation, multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction. It's a formula in algebra.

No, I don’t think PEMDAS means “Pleas Excuse My Dope Ass Swag.” It’s more like “Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally” or parenthesis, equation, multiplication, division, addition, and subtraction. It’s a formula in algebra.

4. Explain the temperature and how it relates to the football and basketball.

Then again, I wouldn't blame the kid for the answer. Mostly because this was a lame ass question which gives no information about the basketball.

Then again, I wouldn’t blame the kid for the answer. Then again, it would be funnier if the kid drew anything relating to the New England Patriots and deflated footballs.

5. Seems like a Dalek exterminated a child’s math homework answer.

Yeah, if I could figure out the area of the rectangle, I could've solved for x. Then again, the kid was probably watching too much Doctor Who.

Yeah, if I could figure out the area of the rectangle, I could’ve solved for x. Then again, the kid was probably watching too much Doctor Who.

6. Moving on to history on Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, what was his dream?

No, I don't think his dream had anything to do with working at Taco Bell. It had more to do with racial equality as well as ending segregation and other racist policies.

No, I don’t think his dream had anything to do with working at Taco Bell. It had more to do with racial equality as well as ending segregation and other racist policies.

7. Seems like this kid didn’t even bother to answer the physics question.

No, I don't think the problem has anything to do with Bruce Wayne being Batman. You don't need calculus to solve that.

No, I don’t think the problem has anything to do with Bruce Wayne being Batman. You don’t need calculus to solve that.

8. Apparently, Frankie is an honest child, maybe too honest.

Funny how this kid already knows what the world "freeloader" means. They grow up so fast.

Funny how this kid already knows what the world “freeloader” means. They grow up so fast. Or his parents are Ayn Rand libertarians.

9. Sometimes a student really wants extra credit when there is none.

Sorry, but this teacher doesn't negotiate with terrorists. And no, intimidation is no way to get extra credit.

Sorry, but this teacher doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. And no, intimidation is no way to get extra credit.

10. Apparently, the octopus seemed to come out of nowhere.

So the kid couldn't answer the question due to the octopus being in the way. Don't think the teacher bought it.

So the kid couldn’t answer the question due to the octopus being in the way. Don’t think the teacher bought it.

11. I believe this question was framed in a scientific context.

Besides, Communism only benefits everyone on paper. In practice, however, not so much as demonstrated with Russia.

Besides, Communism only benefits everyone on paper. In practice, however, not so much as demonstrated with Russia.

12. No, I don’t think sex ed is an ideal place to draw a cougar.

Even freakier is how the kid drew the eyes at the ovaries and used the rest of the uterus as a snout. Yeah, have to wonder about that kid.

Even freakier is how the kid drew the eyes at the ovaries and used the rest of the uterus as a snout. Yeah, have to wonder about that kid.

13. In geometry, all lines and shapes have meaning.

Sorry, kid, that's not how geometry works. But at least they got the line names right.

Sorry, kid, that’s not how geometry works. But at least they got the line names right.

14. Don’t judge and elementary school kid by their lack of grammar and spelling.

Yeah, I know it sounds dirtier than it should be. But the kid was talking about riding their bike for God's sake.

Yeah, I know it sounds dirtier than it should be. But the kid was talking about riding their bike for God’s sake.

15. In a student paper, you might find an occasional curse word.

I believe the term is "apeshit" in this case. Not sure what this question is really about anyway.

I believe the term is “apeshit” in this case. Not sure what this question is really about anyway.

16. Okay, that’s a bit too graphic for a presentation.

Hey, the kid's right. But that doesn't mean they should show it in graphic stick figure detail.

Hey, the kid’s right. But that doesn’t mean they should show it in graphic stick figure detail.

17. I believe it’s < or >, not “or.”

Someone doesn't seem to be following directions. Or just doesn't seem to care at any point.

Someone doesn’t seem to be following directions. Or just doesn’t seem to care at any point.

18. Someone doesn’t seem to understand their chemistry or pop culture.

No, that's not how thermodynamics or enzymes work. But the teacher did say, "nice try."

No, that’s not how thermodynamics or enzymes work. But the teacher did say, “nice try.”

19. So what happens to a boy going through puberty, according to this kid?

No, I don't think a boy enters adultery during puberty. But that's a nice plot summary to The Graduate.

No, I don’t think a boy enters adultery during puberty. But that’s a nice plot summary to The Graduate.

20. Apparently, science hasn’t been on this kid’s mind at the moment.

Sorry, but a science essay question isn't the place for such a personal insight. Still funny though.

Sorry, but a science essay question isn’t the place for such a personal insight. Still funny though.

21. Looks like a walrus found its way into this kid’s homework book.

At least this kid believes that global warming is real unlike a lot of Republican congressmen. Also, that's a nice walrus drawing.

At least this kid believes that global warming is real unlike a lot of Republican congressmen. Also, that’s a nice walrus drawing.

22. No, I don’t think the Eye of Sauron has anything to do with wearing a seatbelt.

Seems like Alex might be a little too into Lord of the Rings. Teacher is not amused.

Seems like Alex might be a little too into Lord of the Rings. Teacher is not amused.

23. Sorry, kid, but this is science class, not English Lit.

I believe the correct answer is the electromagnetic force since it's stronger than gravity. But that's just relating to the laws of physics.

I believe the correct answer is the electromagnetic force since it’s stronger than gravity. But that’s just relating to the laws of physics.

24. Sometimes one kid unscrambles the wrong word.

I believe the word is supposed to be "this." But it does have the same letters as "shit" just in a different arrangement.

I believe the word is supposed to be “this.” But it does have the same letters as “shit” just in a different arrangement.

25. Apparently, one student couldn’t get past their perception of Asian stereotypes to answer.

The correct answer is "D" the monthly car payment. Because it's at a fixed rate. Besides, a lot of Asians do drive. Get a grip, kid.

The correct answer is “D” the monthly car payment. Because it’s at a fixed rate. Besides, a lot of Asians do drive. Get a grip, kid.

26. Once again, spelling errors should be taken into consideration here.

I think the right word is "pencils" not "penis." Cora probably doesn't know what the latter term means by this point in her life. Because she's only in kindergarten.

I think the right word is “pencils” not “penis.” Cora probably doesn’t know what the latter term means by this point in her life. Because she’s only in kindergarten.

27. Describe a plant cell.

No, I don't think an imprisoned flower is what the teacher had in mind. Perhaps they should think of what they saw in their science book.

No, I don’t think an imprisoned flower is what the teacher had in mind. Perhaps they should think of what they saw in their science book.

28. List 4 ways people communicate other than through mail.

Well, all answers are technically correct. However, the Grindr one is pretty disturbing since it's a gay male dating site. Wonder where this kid learned about that.

Well, all answers are technically correct. However, the Grindr one is pretty disturbing since it’s a gay male dating site. Wonder where this kid learned about that.

29. The answer relating to the differences between the February and October Revolutions is simple.

The correct answer was that the February Revolution overthrew the Russian Royal family. The October Revolution saw the rise of the Bolsheviks. Either way, the kid wasn't completely wrong about the dates.

The correct answer was that the February Revolution overthrew the Russian Royal family (which actually took place in March but Russians still used the Julian Calendar). The October Revolution saw the rise of the Bolsheviks (which actually took place in November). So the kid is dead wrong either way.

30. What’s the highest noise frequency a human can register?

Not sure if Mariah Carey is right. But seems like this kid might feel that way.

Not sure if Mariah Carey is right. But seems like this kid might feel that way.

31. Someone doesn’t seem to like doing their math homework.

Not sure what some of this is supposed to say since it's written differently. But the hangman picture speaks for itself.

Not sure what some of this is supposed to say since it’s written differently. But the hangman picture speaks for itself.

32. Sorry, but algebra isn’t a place for opinions.

Man, this kid is a real smart ass. And seems to get a lot of answers wrong in the process.

Man, this kid is a real smart ass. And seems to get a lot of answers wrong in the process.

33. I don’t think the teacher was thinking about that kind of transformer.

Then again, some people could only name such transformers like Optimus Prime. This teacher was thinking about something used at a power station.

Then again, some people could only name such transformers like Optimus Prime. This teacher was thinking about something used at a power station.

34. How long does it take a jumping armadillo to land on its feet?

Sorry, kid, but armadillos do jump when startled. But not 18 feet unlike what the problem says.

Sorry, kid, but armadillos do jump when startled. But not 18 feet unlike what the problem says.

35. Describe hidden curriculum.

Well, that's one way of answering the question. But not exactly what the teacher was looking for.

Well, that’s one way of answering the question. But not exactly what the teacher was looking for.

36. Name one measure to prevent flooding in the Mississippi River Valley.

No, I don't think "big dames" is going to solve that problem. Then again, the kid might've meant, "big dams." But that didn't protect against Katrina in 2005.

No, I don’t think “big dames” is going to solve that problem. Then again, the kid might’ve meant, “big dams.” But that didn’t protect against Katrina in 2005.

37. List 3 ways on why removing hedges is a bad idea.

1. Farmers keep cows in through fencing. 2. It's very unlikely cars would run into the fields unless it was under an enchantment or driven by a drunk driver. 3. Why do you care?

1. Farmers keep cows in through fencing. 2. It’s very unlikely cars would run into the fields unless it was under an enchantment or driven by a drunk driver. 3. Why do you care?

38. Describe a vibration.

Unfortunately, the Beach Boys hit, "Good Vibrations" has nothing to do with the science of sound. Was a great catchy song though.

Unfortunately, the Beach Boys hit, “Good Vibrations” has nothing to do with the science of sound. Was a great catchy song though.

39. When this girl grows up, she wants to be like her mommy.

Like how the mother added a letter explaining that she works at the Home Depot, not at a strip club. But I'm not sure if I really buy that because stripper moms do exist. And the picture seems to suggest the mother works at a strip club.

Like how the mother added a letter explaining that she works at the Home Depot, not at a strip club. But I’m not sure if I really buy that because stripper moms do exist. And the picture seems to suggest the mother works at a strip club.

40. Sketch a human body and locate the following glands.

Guess this was not what the teacher had in mind when it came to the endocrine system. But this kid sure has a talent for drawing.

Guess this was not what the teacher had in mind when it came to the endocrine system. But this kid sure has a talent for drawing.

41. In case I get this test wrong, here’s a picture of a giraffe.

Seems like the teacher appreciated it. Nevertheless, it probably didn't matter much.

Seems like the teacher appreciated it. Nevertheless, it probably didn’t matter much.

42. I believe this kid is talking about horses not whores.

Yes, it reads very funny in an adult's eyes. But this child just doesn't know how to spell horses and is not talking about prostitution.

Yes, it reads very funny in an adult’s eyes. But this child just doesn’t know how to spell horses and is not talking about prostitution.

43. How do you identify athlete’s foot?

In a way, yes. But athlete's foot is a fungal foot disease which doesn't look pretty.

In a way, yes. But athlete’s foot is a fungal foot disease which doesn’t look pretty.

44. Deserts are hot and cold so name a hot one and a cold one.

I believe the word was "desert" not dessert. But this kid doesn't seem to know the difference, apparently.

I believe the word was “desert” not dessert. But this kid doesn’t seem to know the difference, apparently.

45. Describe what an antonym means.

Antonym means opposite. It doesn't describe a person's name for crying out loud.

Antonym means opposite. It doesn’t describe a person’s name for crying out loud.

46. How did the Romans transport water?

The correct term is "aqueduct" not an "aqua duck." But I can see what the student might've gotten the idea.

The correct term is “aqueduct” not an “aqua duck.” But I can see what the student might’ve gotten the idea.

47. Why did Archimedes shout “Eureka” while in the bath?

No, it had something to do with buoyancy, kid. But I give some points on creativity.

No, it had something to do with buoyancy, kid. But I give some points on creativity.

48. Apparently, this kid views the uterus as some monster from a horror movie.

Sorry, but I don't think the female reproductive system works that way. But great drawing, though.

Sorry, but I don’t think the female reproductive system works that way. But great drawing, though.

49. You have to wonder what children are learning from their parents these days.

I guess the teacher will be writing to this child's parents sometime soon. Because I don't think that's a word that should be on a reading assignment.

I guess the teacher will be writing to this child’s parents sometime soon. Because I don’t think that’s a word that should be on a reading assignment.

50. Hope the teacher doesn’t fail this kid thanks to Borat.

Don't think Borat in his trademark swimsuit will have any effect here. Do the work.

Don’t think Borat in his trademark swimsuit will have any effect here. Do the work.

51. Sometimes students can be quite mean in their answers.

Just leave it with the water and trash thing, kid. Don't need to talk about the boy being chubby.

Just leave it with the water and trash thing, kid. Don’t need to talk about the boy being chubby.

52. Looks like someone has no idea about the states of matter.

Guess this kid wasn't entirely wrong when it came to New Jersey. Given what Bridgegate had to teach us. As for California, well, LA is not known for having a lot of movement on the freeways.

Guess this kid wasn’t entirely wrong when it came to New Jersey. Given what Bridgegate had to teach us. As for California, well, LA is not known for having a lot of movement on the freeways.

53. No, I don’t think this kid has any idea about bestiality.

Still, they got the question wrong at any rate. But it's still pretty funny if you're an adult.

Still, they got the question wrong at any rate. But it’s still pretty funny if you’re an adult.

54. Honestly, the kid wants to eat cake. Seriously.

Please give these students slack here. They don't seem to spell words right or have the best handwriting. So sometimes the words may come out wrong.

Please give these students slack here. They don’t seem to spell words right or have the best handwriting. So sometimes the words may come out wrong.

55. When it comes to US Capitalism, sometimes students can have rather interesting theories.

This was written by a college student. Apparently, he describes how America was ruled by Prince Charles and how Osama Bin Laden killed Tupac and how Saddam Hussein killed Princess Di. Yeah, it's that bad.

This was written by a college student. Apparently, he describes how America was ruled by Prince Charles and how Osama Bin Laden killed Tupac and how Saddam Hussein killed Princess Di. Yeah, it’s that bad.

56. He may be good at chemistry but he has other things on his mind.

At least this guy doesn't neglect his studies by goofing off. However, the bonus one, kind of pushing the envelope.

At least this guy doesn’t neglect his studies by goofing off. However, the bonus one, kind of pushing the envelope.

57. Apparently, stick figure violence doesn’t intimidate this teacher.

Well, I would give him credit on the Pacman answer even though the correct answer is a solid. However, not sure about the stick Indian.

Well, I would give him credit on the Pacman answer even though the correct answer is a solid. However, not sure about the stick Indian.

58. No, I don’t think Pikachu’s thundershock will make you ace this test.

However, it does look pretty good even if it's not finished. But the teacher won't be amused.

However, it does look pretty good even if it’s not finished. But the teacher won’t be amused.

59. Seems like Aaron Rodgers might want to stay out of the woods until his career’s over.

According to this kid, bears eat Green Bay Packers. So Rodgers better watch his back.

According to this kid, bears eat Green Bay Packers. So Rodgers better watch his back.

60. No, I don’t think El Nino is that dramatic, but Jeremy’s essay would make a great disaster movie.

This guy talks about El Nino like it's Clash of the Titans. No, Jeremy, that's not how it works.

This guy talks about El Nino like it’s Clash of the Titans. No, Jeremy, that’s not how it works.

61. Explain the Madisonian model of government.

No, that's not quite it. Seems more like Stand Your Ground to me.

No, that’s not quite it. Seems more like Stand Your Ground to me. Perhaps they should elaborate more.

62. Well, at least the kid isn’t failing health class.

Sure the correct answer might be 2. But it's super hard to argue that this kid is wrong. They did the math.

Sure the correct answer might be 2. But it’s super hard to argue that this kid is wrong. They did the math.

63. Sorry, Matthew but Charizard is no match for Blastoise.

Teacher knows what they're talking about. Guess math isn't Matthew's thing.

Teacher knows what they’re talking about. Guess calculus isn’t Matthew’s thing.

64. Seems like someone has been watching too much of the History Channel.

No, aliens aren't responsible for everything. Seriously, it's bullshit on the History Channel which hasn't been known for its educational programming.

No, aliens aren’t responsible for everything. Seriously, it’s bullshit on the History Channel which hasn’t been known for its educational programming.

65. I have to agree this kid has a point.

Sure they may know the right answer. But they added it may not be the case since amputees exist.

Sure they may know the right answer. But they added it may not be the case since amputees exist.

66. If your answers aren’t correct, you can always count on Perry the Platypus.

And it seems like Perry helped. Then again, it was probably due to the student's own efforts.

And it seems like Perry helped. Then again, it was probably due to the student’s own efforts.

67. At times you kind of wish you’d answer an essay question like this.

Yeah, I kind of feel the same way when it comes to stories I had to read that I wasn't emotionally invested in. But that's what school is like sometimes.

Yeah, I kind of feel the same way when it comes to stories I had to read that I wasn’t emotionally invested in. But that’s what school is like sometimes.

68. Sorry, but Darth Vader is from Star Wars not Star Trek.

Sure Vader has a deep voice but he's not a Star Trek character. Saying he's from Star Trek will result in a sci-fi convention in furor.

Sure Vader has a deep voice but he’s not a Star Trek character. Saying he’s from Star Trek will result in a sci-fi convention in furor.

69. Apparently, this diagram doesn’t show the nice side of giraffes.

You kind of get the idea that this kid saw how giraffes were heartless creatures. Then again, sometimes nature is like that.

You kind of get the idea that this kid saw how giraffes were heartless creatures. Then again, maybe the short neck giraffe should’ve found another tree.

70. Could a man still reproduce with one ball?

While not entirely wrong, this answer isn't entirely right either. Because even if a guy has a testicle, he could still reproduce. (as long as it's functional).

While not entirely wrong, this answer isn’t entirely right either. Because even if a guy has a testicle, he could still reproduce. (as long as it’s functional).

71. Describe hard water.

I don't think that's what the teacher had in mind. It probably has to do with chemical properties.

I don’t think that’s what the teacher had in mind. It probably has to do with mineral content.

72. Sorry but I don’t think Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite.

Hope Lady Gaga doesn't get offended. Then again, I could see why that kid came up with that conclusion.

Hope Lady Gaga doesn’t get offended. Then again, I could see why that kid came up with that conclusion.

73. Write about a Chinese immigrant’s experience in the 1870s.

Well, that's one way to answer the question. However, not sure what my Chinese viewers will think about this.

Well, that’s one way to answer the question. However, not sure what my Chinese viewers will think about this.

74. I think many adults would say the same thing.

Kid seems to know their history, particularly what happened to Lincoln at Ford's Theatre. Yeah, I could see where they 're getting at.

Kid seems to know their history, particularly what happened to Lincoln at Ford’s Theatre. Yeah, I could see where they ‘re getting at.

75. Sometimes driver’s ed could have interesting characters.

Actually, night would be more appropriate. But this is still funny to read if you ask me.

Actually, night would be more appropriate. But this is still funny to read if you ask me.

76. No, that’s not how you describe a graph.

This kid seems to describe a graph like it's a work of art. It's not, it's way to display information.

This kid seems to describe a graph like it’s a work of art. It’s not, it’s way to display information.

77. Any Harry Potter fan would recognize the mark of the Deathly Hallows.

I might've said the same thing had I grew up with such a test. Still, Harry Potter doesn't have much place in geometry.

I might’ve said the same thing had I grew up with such a test. Still, Harry Potter doesn’t have much place in geometry.

78. Fill in the solution about falling down at the playground.

Well, at least that kid has a point. But they probably haven't heard about First Aid.

Well, at least that kid has a point. But they probably haven’t heard about First Aid.

79. Is Steve speeding? Yes or no.

Yes, Steve could find out on his speedometer but that's beside the point. The correct answer is yes.

Yes, Steve could find out on his speedometer but that’s beside the point. Do the math.

80. I’d have to wonder about this child.

I don't think a teenage death match on reality television is going to cut it. It may not be ethical.

I don’t think a teenage death match on reality television is going to cut it. It may not be ethical.

81. This bacterium is about to get funky.

Sorry, but bacteria don't break dance. Pretty hilarious though.

Sorry, but bacteria don’t break dance. Pretty hilarious though.

82. Sorry, I don’t think this teacher is amazed by rainbows, ponies, and turtles.

Still, those are great illustrations. But this is a biology test for God's sake.

Still, those are great illustrations. But this is a biology test for God’s sake.

83. Unfortunately, Jesus was not a Civil War hero.

Jesus lived in 1st Century Palestine during the Roman Empire. The American Civil War took place in the 1860s. And it wasn't between China and Pakistan.

Jesus lived in 1st Century Palestine during the Roman Empire. The American Civil War took place in the 1860s. And it wasn’t between China and Pakistan.

84. Mr. Gibson, I’m afraid that your child isn’t doing well in American History at the moment.

Like how the teacher said, "Are you crazy? See me." Yeah, that should be a red flag.

Like how the teacher said, “Are you crazy? See me.” Yeah, that should be a red flag.

85. I believe the correct term is “dwarf.”

This answer is quite crazy. I know you'd laugh if you heard something like that, too.

This answer is quite crazy. I know you’d laugh if you heard something like that, too.

86. Guess this kid couldn’t brainstorm verbs.

Guess this kid couldn't get that song out of their head. You've probably read it like that, too.

Guess this kid couldn’t get that song out of their head. You’ve probably read it like that, too.

87. Seems like someone doesn’t like failing a test.

I know a teacher would be freaked out by that image. Seems like someone is going to notify their parents.

I know a teacher would be freaked out by that image. Seems like someone is going to notify their parents.

88. I don’t think those were the heavy metal symbols your teacher was looking for.

This is chemistry class, not music class. Those heavy metal symbols are wrong. They should be element letters.

This is chemistry class, not music class. Those heavy metal symbols are wrong. They should be element letters.

89. This ninja will not tolerate a bad mark on this test.

The other ninja has a red pen. And the red pen is more powerful.

The other ninja has a red pen. And the red pen is more powerful.

90. Seems like this kid didn’t understand the question.

The correct answer is a park because it's an outdoor venue. But yes, you can't circle a tornado.

The correct answer is a park because it’s an outdoor venue. But yes, you can’t circle a tornado.

91. Sometimes asking kids to write a story to the problem is going way too far.

Yes, the answer is correct. But if a guy has more than one girlfriend at the same time, that's a problem.

Yes, the answer is correct. But if a guy has more than one girlfriend at the same time, that’s a problem.

92. The panda will cry if this kid gets a bad grade. Teacher doesn’t care.

Love the picture of the panda eating bamboo. But the kid should've studied their math before the test.

Love the picture of the panda eating bamboo. But the kid should’ve studied their math before the test.

93. No, I don’t think he got fired over something like that.

I guess the guy got fired because he got his science wrong such as warm air rises but cold air sinks. Not because he banged his boss's wife.

I guess the guy got fired because he got his science wrong such as warm air rises but cold air sinks. Not because he banged his boss’s wife.

94. Guess someone sees themselves as a cool bird.

Well, at least the kid is better at drawing than I am. But I don't think that's the right answer.

Well, at least the kid is better at drawing than I am. But I don’t think that’s the right answer.

95. Sorry, but this is chemistry not the Lion King.

But I can see where they got their answer. However, this doesn't mean the phrase means no worries for them.

But I can see where they got their answer. However, this doesn’t mean the phrase means no worries for them.

96. Ninja asks to give 100%.

And it seems like the kid got the grade plus 2 bonus points. The ninja did it.

And it seems like the kid got the grade plus 2 bonus points. The ninja did it.

97. In this kid’s world, bacon is always the answer.

Unless if it's referring to Jupiter. Because bacon has nothing to do with it.

Unless if it’s referring to Jupiter. Because bacon has nothing to do with it.

98. Why use milk when a child’s been poisoned?

No, I don't think so. But that's a close answer. It might have something to do with the poison's chemistry.

No, I don’t think so. But that’s a close answer. It might have something to do with the poison’s chemistry.

99. This kid is almost there on this long test.

And Gandalf seems to appear out of nowhere in red pen saying, "You shall not pass!" Poor kid.

And Gandalf seems to appear out of nowhere in red pen saying, “You shall not pass!” Poor kid.

100. Do not write your essay on this space.

There always seems to be that one student who breaks that rule. Hope it doesn't lead to getting points deducted.

There always seems to be that one student who breaks that rule. Hope it doesn’t lead to getting points deducted.

The Matter of Voter ID Laws

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Since this is a presidential election year in the United States, it’s not unusual to hear about voter ID laws which require some form of identification in order for a person to register to vote. As of 2016, 33 states have passed such laws. And since 2012, 17 states have new voter restrictions in place. The voter requirements in these states but the most popular measure in recent years is requiring citizens to show a photo ID to vote (though some may simply require a utility bill or bank statement). At the federal level, the 2002 Help America Vote Act required voter ID for all new voters in federal elections who registered by mail and who didn’t provide a driver’s license number or the last 4 digits of their Social Security number that was matched against government records. Proponents of these laws argue that voter ID laws are a common sense effort and places little burden on voters. They also have considerable support among Americans from all party lines. However, the laws have been subject to considerable controversy and various lawsuits at both state and federal levels. In 2013, the Supreme Court overturned parts of the Voting Rights Act that required approval for voter registration changes such as Voter ID laws, making it more difficult for voters to challenge them. Nevertheless, federal courts continue to rule on voter registration cases and there are sure to be more lawsuits to come. Since the right to vote has been enshrined as a fundamental right for all Americans 18 or over, I believe that voter ID laws are nothing but voter suppression tactics that should have no place in the democratic process.

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Since the 1870s, African Americans and other ethnic and racial minorities in the South have been known to be targets of disenfranchisement, especially under segregation. In fact, this was a main reason why we had the Civil Rights Movement in the first place. Nevertheless, many states that have voter ID laws have had a history of disenfranchising minorities as well as high levels of racial stereotyping among whites. Not only that, but many older blacks in the South may not be able to get a photo ID because they were born during segregation and don’t have birth certificates.

Voter ID laws are racist.– Anyone who knows about American history could tell you that voting restrictions have a long history with racism. In fact, since after Reconstruction in the South, white Southerners would institute a series of laws, constitutions, and practices that were deliberately used to disenfranchise black citizens from registering to vote and voting. Measures used to disenfranchise blacks consisted of poll taxes, grandfather clauses, literacy tests, eight box laws, white primaries, and others. Were they constitutional? No, because the 15th Amendment stated that voters shouldn’t be discriminated by race. Did the federal government do anything to stop it at the time? Not until after WWII. Nevertheless, many of these disenfranchisement measures in the South were a major reason why the Civil Rights Movement existed in the first place which eventually led the federal government to enact the Voting Rights Act as well as the 24th Amendment abolishing the poll tax in national elections. As 2016, as many as 25% of voting age African American citizens 20% of Asian Americans, and 19% of eligible Hispanics, don’t have government issued photo identification, compared to only 8% of their white counterparts. Native Americans have also been fighting a slew of court battles over voter ID laws as well. Not to mention, out of the 33 voter ID states which have laws to prevent voter impersonation, only 6 of them have the same standards applying to absentee voters who usually tend to be whiter and older than their in-person counterparts. Mail-in absentee voter fraud is more common than voter impersonation. African American and Latino voters are known to be disproportionately low income and may not just lack a voter ID but also not be able to procure the underlying documentation necessary to obtain one. Latinos are also among the fastest growing racial demographics in the nation. It doesn’t help that some of the states that have passed voter ID laws have had a history of discriminating against minority voters as well as the fact that many older African Americans in the South simply don’t have a birth certificate due to being born during segregation. This July, a 3 judge panel of the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, struck down North Carolina’s voter ID law requirements, finding that the new provisions targeted African Americans with “with almost surgical precision,” and that legislators had acted with clear “discriminatory intent” in enacting strict election rules as well as shaping rules based on data about African American registration and voting patterns. There’s also a correlation that the higher the racial stereotyping in a voter ID state among whites, the stricter the voter ID laws. So to compare voter ID laws to Jim Crow is not a stretch, especially since most voter ID proponents tend to be white.

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When it comes to voter ID laws, minority groups, the elderly, the young, and the poor tend to be disproportionately affected by them. This graph from the Brennan Center and Mother Jones shows this.

Voter ID laws are discriminatory against minorities, the poor, elderly, students, and the disabled.-According to the NYU Brennan Center, more than 21 million Americans (or 11% of eligible US citizens) do not have government issued photo identification and a disproportionate number of them are low-income, racial and ethnic minorities, and the elderly. 18% of Americans over 65, 18% of Americans between 18-24, and 15% of those making less than $35,000 a year don’t have voter ID. Aside from possibly disenfranchising minorities, many low income people simply can’t afford the necessary documentation to get an ID or have the time to get one (because a lot of them work long hours and have low job security). Many don’t have any education past high school so sorting out many potential agencies and requirements to get a photo ID can be challenging. Those without a driver’s license in rural areas may not have access to transportation while many senior citizens may not own a computer as well as have birth certificates with erroneous names (since a lot of mistakes were made in old birth certificates. And corrections cost money). College students are often not at their permanent residence during election times, are less likely to drive, and their student ID may not be seen as valid in states like Texas. Then you have many elderly African Americans in the South who can’t get a photo ID because they don’t have a birth certificate on record (due to being born during segregation). Homeless people can’t get an ID because they have no permanent address. Then you have voters who were born in a different state than they lived in now. Obtaining needed documents from another state costs extra money and often requires another agency in another state that the voter may not have lived in for many years. Finally, you have women who’ve changed their legal names after they’ve gotten married or divorced who may have difficulty obtaining ID in states where the name has to exactly match the voting rolls, especially if they’re low income, elderly, or minority. This goes the same for transgender people as well.

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In recent years, states with strict voter ID laws tend to be championed by Republican dominated state legislatures. Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight has measured that such states tend to have lower voter registration as well as a higher Republican net swing. Sure this might sound biased even though I’ve checked and tried to use a graph from as reputable source as I can.

Voter ID laws are not politically neutral.-Until recently, only a handful of states required voter ID. Today 33 states do. In a recent opinion by US Circuit judge Richard Posner, a Reagan appointee, compared the laws to the poll tax implemented to stop blacks from voting in the Jim Crow Era South. To him the only reason to impose voter ID laws, “is to discourage voting by persons likely to vote against the party responsible for imposing the burdens.” Posner is probably right since many voter ID laws tend to be sponsored by Republicans and passed by Republican dominated state legislatures, especially in swing states where elections are more competitive. One of the strictest and infamous voter ID laws is in Texas where voters must show one of 7 forms of state or federal issued photo ID, with a valid expiration date: a driver’s license, a personal ID card issued by the state, a concealed handgun license, a military ID, citizenship certificate or a passport. And the name must exactly match the one on the voter rolls. So concealed weapons permit fine, but not state issued student ID cards. Clearly there’s political bias here, especially if you consider that Texas is a Republican dominated state that allows guns on college campuses while young people are more likely to vote Democrat. So are racial minorities who consist of a fast growing electorate and poor people. Meanwhile, an older black veteran who showed 3 forms of ID was turned away in 2013. Also, despite being the more common form of voter fraud, only 6 out of the 33 states have voter ID laws pertaining to absentee voters who tend to be older, whiter, and more conservative than the voters most of these laws target. Then there’s the fact Republican politicians have been heard made comments Pennsylvania’s House majority leader Mike Turzai boasting that strict new voting laws would “allow Governor Romney to win” the state in 2012 (though these laws were struck down later). At the same time, a conservative group called True the Vote claimed that Democrats routinely drop off busloads of illegal voters at polling throughout the country despite evidence to the contrary. North Carolina county precinct chairman Don Yelton told the Daily Show in 2013 that if the state’s new voter restriction “hurts a bunch of lazy blacks who just want the government to give them everything, so be it.” So there’s evidence to suggest that conservatives understand that keeping certain kinds of people away from the polls is kind of the point and voter ID laws may have helped conservatives keep liberal-leaning demographics away from the polls amid record low-turnout. Despite that voter ID laws have wide support in the US, bipartisan legislation it is not.

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The vast majority of voter ID laws have been put in place to deter voter impersonation. According to News21, there have only been 10 known cases of this since 2000. More people have been struck by lightning or claimed to see UFOs than commit voter impersonation, a crime you’ve have to be crazy to do.

There is no need to prevent voter fraud.– While proponents of voter ID laws tend to talk about voter fraud like it’s a major crime wave, the mere suggestion that “voter fraud is rampant” earned a “Pants on Fire” rating from Politifact. Most voter ID laws are aimed at voter impersonation of which there were only 31 documented cases in the US from 2000-2014, out of a billion ballots cast, by the way. More people have been struck by lightning or claimed to see UFOs that same period. Proponents may also alleged that registrations of dead and out of state voters as a vulnerability in the US electoral system. After all, Pew cited that there were more than 1.8 million dead voters and 3 million registered in multiple states nationwide. And voter ID supporters fear that motivated individuals could exploit registration irregularities to impersonate dead voters or former residents, casting multiple fraudulent ballots. However, most cases of alleged voter fraud involving dead people have been shown as a result of incorrect matching of voter rolls and death records as well as clerical errors. Not to mention, the basic fact it’s not unusual for multiple people to have the exact same name. Besides, such form of fraud is illogical as the risks such as a $10,000 fine or 5 years in prison far outweigh the benefits of casting an extra vote for the voter’s desired candidate. Besides, voter impersonator takes a lot of effort which according to a Wisconsin judge, “To commit voter-impersonation fraud, a person would need to know the name of another person who is registered at a particular polling place, know the address of that person, know that the person has not yet voted and also know that no one at the polls will realize that the impersonator is not the individual being impersonated.” Someone would have to be absolutely insane to commit something like that because one vote isn’t guaranteed to sway an election. Multiple studies have shown that almost all cases of in person voter fraud are the result of a voter making an honest mistake, and even these are extremely infrequent. Besides, absentee ballot fraud is more common than voter impersonation, but not by much. Then you have proponents claiming about ballot stuffing undocumented immigrants voting, too. But voter ID laws don’t prevent these things and neither are significant problems. Thus, voter fraud is anything but rampant and mostly nonexistent.

An example of a PennDOT ID.

Voter ID law proponents tend to think that getting a state photo ID is relatively easy and free. My experience with getting a photo ID in college taught me quite differently even though I was able to get a ride from my dad (since I don’t have a driver’s license), had all the documentation, and lived near a DMV that was open 5 days a week. Many people who live in voter ID states don’t have the documentation on hand, don’t live near an accessible DMV, and face other obstacles preventing them from obtaining a photo ID. So what may seem easy and free to one person is actually costly and burdensome. Then again, even under the best circumstances, obtaining a photo ID is still pretty damn hard.

Getting a state photo ID card is more difficult than it looks.– When I first got my state photo ID in college (since I don’t have a driver’s license), I was required to have my birth certificate, my Social Security card, and other documentation to show to the DMV. Unfortunately, I didn’t have my Social Security card with me at the time since my parents kept it in the fire safe so we had to go back. Luckily my parents had saved the documentation so I could get one with few problems. After all, the nearest DMV to me is only closed on Sunday, Monday, and holidays, with 8:30 am-4:15 pm for regular business hours, save Thursday when it’s open till 6. Besides, I have parents who could drive me. Still, advocates of voter ID laws make it seem that getting a photo ID is easy for anyone who’s eligible to vote when my firsthand experience tells me that it’s not necessarily the case. And for a rural resident without a driver’s license, I had it easy and under the best circumstances. For thousands of eligible citizens, obtaining a photo ID can be costly and burdensome. Though many states with strict voter ID laws offer a free, these IDs require documents like a birth certificate that can cost up to $25 in some places or possibly more. Many people in rural areas have trouble accessing ID offices, especially if they don’t have a driver’s license. A 2015 Alabama lawsuit cited a high schooler who couldn’t vote because she lacked a driver’s license. Sure she could get a state issued ID at the nearest DMV like I did. But the nearest DMV to this girl is only open one day per month and she has no access to public transportation to another DMV that’s 40 miles away round trip. But at least she doesn’t live Sauk City, Wisconsin whose DMV office is only open 4 times per year while 25% of Wisconsin’s DMVs are open less than one day per month. If you’re an African American born in the Jim Crow South before 1960, there’s a good chance you don’t have a birth certificate and may need to go to court. If you work in a low wage job, do think your boss would mind if you take several hours off work to get a government issued ID? Most of the time they’d fire you if you try. If you live in another state from the one you were born in, you might have to pay a pretty penny or travel great distance to fetch those records. And if you live in Texas, there’s a 1 in 3 chance that your county has no ID-issuing offices at all, leading some rural residents to travel 100 miles to the nearest location and only a quarter of those offices have extended hours.

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This map shows the costs on voter ID laws in each states with them at the time. Note that many of these states are strapped for cash and can use their funds for better things like education. Basically, voter ID laws cost the government more money to combat a virtually non-existent problem.

Voter ID laws cost taxpayer money.– While many courts have accepted voter ID laws, they’ve only done so as long as the states have key provisions such as making sure the voter ID is free of charge (they’re not), accessible to everyone (they’re not), and that there are public outreach and education efforts to make everyone aware of the new requirements. However, none of this is free to the taxpayer and implementation costs millions of dollars in voter ID states. $20 million on average, in fact, including the state’s price to issue free cards to avoid costly lawsuits, voter education and publicity to inform voters and ensure they aren’t turned away at the polls, and dozens of new costs for state and local officials from updating forms and websites to hiring staff to inspect IDs and handle provisional ballots on Election Day. So enacting these laws aren’t cheap. Add to that the financial costs states are spending to defend them in the courts, too.

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This is a flyer on Pennsylvania’s voter ID law which was passed in 2012 and struck down by a state judge in 2014 who saw it as unconstitutional since it places an undue burden on hundreds of voters. To be fair, even if the main part of the Voter Rights Act was struck down by the Supreme Court in 2013, the constitutionality on voter ID laws is not sound.

Voter ID laws are unconstitutional.– The right to vote is protected by more constitutional amendments than any other right we enjoy in the United States along with additional federal and state statutes which guarantee and protect voting rights. Declarations by the Supreme Court state that the right to vote is fundamental because it’s protective of all our other rights and that states can’t value one person’s vote over another. Sure the Supreme Court may have struck down a critical part of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, this does not mean that voter ID laws are constitutional. While some state IDs are free (though many tend to average $22), the documentation required like passports, driver’s licenses, and birth certificates are often not. And many Americans simply can’t afford to pay for them. Could be an equivalent to a poll tax? Possibly and I know poll taxes go against the 24th Pennsylvania’s voter ID law was struck down by Commonwealth Court Judge Bernard L. McGinley in 2014 as “violative of the constitutional rights of state voters” as well as to place an undue burden on hundreds of already registered voters due to lack of infrastructure and state support for obtaining required IDs.

Rally Marks 1-Year Anniversary Of Supreme Court Decision On Voting Rights Act

Caption: “WASHINGTON, DC – JUNE 25: Activists attend a Voting Rights Amendment Act rally in Capitol Hill June 25, 2014 in Washington, DC. The rally marked the one-year anniversary of the Supreme Court decision in Shelby County v. Holder which held a section of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 is unconstitutional.” In American democracy, voting is a fundamental right and a sacred civic responsibility. Voter ID laws are unfair, disenfranchise people, as well as decrease people’s confidence in the system that some may not show up at the polls.

Voter ID laws violate civil rights and undermine the democratic process.– In democracy, nothing is more fundamental than the right to vote, which is deemed sacred since it gives people perhaps the only political voice they have in elections. Disenfranchisement is to deprive a person of that voice while voter ID essentially disenfranchises people through requirements in a discriminatory fashion and placing unreasonable requirements on individuals for registering or voting. Furthermore, it places a disproportionate burden on millions of voters on an infraction that’s only possible but highly unlikely and unproven. Voter ID laws also lead to lower turnouts since they decrease many voters’ confidence in the system since they’re seen as a way to prevent certain types of voters from casting their ballots. They are unconstitutional and illegal for they discriminate against the poor and racial minorities as well as have been implemented to influence election incomes. These states need to get rid of these oppressive laws which make voting a privilege, not a right which it is.

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Stolen Pay: Why We Need to Know About Wage Theft

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Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump often likes to cast himself as a protector of workers and jobs as well as a great businessman. However, recently he’s come under considerable scrutiny as it’s been recently revealed that he’s been involved in more than 3,500 lawsuits over the past 3 decades. A large number of these pertain to ordinary Americans who say that Trump and his companies have refused to pay them for their work. According to USA Today, these include a Florida dishwasher, a New Jersey glass company, a plumber, a carpet company, painters, 48 waiters, dozens of bartenders and other hourly workers at his resorts and clubs all over the country, real estate brokers who sold his properties, and even several law firms that once represented him in these suits and others. Trump and co. have also been cited for 24 violations under the Fair Labor Standards Act since 2005 for failing to pay overtime or minimum wage, according to the US Department of Labor data. In addition to the lawsuits, there were more than 200 mechanic’s liens filed by contractors and employees against Trump, claiming that they were owed money for their work since the 1980s. These range from a $75,000 from a Plainview, NY, heating and air conditioning company to a $1 million claim from a New York City real estate banking firm. On his Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City, the New Jersey Casino Commission in 1990 show that at least 253 subcontractors weren’t paid in full or on time, included workers who installed chandeliers, walls, and plumbing.

All of these actions described above paint Trump and his sprawling organization frequently failing to pay small businesses and individuals, then sometimes tying them up in court and other negotiations for years. In some cases, Trump’s team financially overpowers and outlasts much smaller opponents, sometimes draining their resources. Some just give up the fight, settle for less, end up in bankruptcy, or out of business altogether. Such actions described above are well-known cases of wage theft. Donald Trump has been a long practitioner of this but he’s hardly the only one. In recent years, workers ranging from NFL cheerleaders, Senate cafeteria workers, fast food workers, retail workers, high tech engineers, nail salon workers, and computer animators have found themselves victimized by this very real and very heinous act by their employers. Often, employees find themselves powerless to do anything about it. And if they do, they often have to act through the court system and risk losing almost everything. But since people rely on their job so much to make a living, this is a very important issue with it becoming the fastest growing crime wave in the United States. But it’s not often reported and it’s tough to see how widespread this problem is. However, at any rate, wage theft is a problem we need to discuss and need to demand action on because it affects so many people’s lives. And here I have this handy FAQ guide to show you.

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Yes, this is what wage theft actually is. Unfortunately, Mr. Orange Nuclear Meltdown doesn’t understand this. Because he’s been a constant violator according to the lawsuits former employees subject him to.

What Is Wage Theft?

Wage theft is when an employer denies pay and/or benefits that are rightfully owed to an employee. Wage theft can be conducted through various means such as failure to pay overtime, minimum wage violations, employee misclassification, illegal deductions in pay, working off the clock, having tips stolen, or not being paid at all. In short, the boss is not paying workers for all of their work. Or not paying for the work at the rate they said they would or what the employees are entitled to by law.

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If you experience any of these at work, you might be a victim of wage theft. Because these are common signs like being paid under the table, kept working despite clocking out early, having tips stolen, and not receiving meal or rest breaks.

Types of Wage Theft:

Overtime– This is the most common form of wage theft. The US Fair Labor Standards Act dictates that employees are entitled to receive overtime pay calculated at least 1.5 the regular rate for all time worked past 40 hours a week. Some exemptions only apply to public service agencies or employees who meet certain requirements in accordance to their job duties along with no less than a $455 weekly salary (or $23,660 a year). So unless employees meet the exemption criteria, they’re usually entitled to overtime if they work over 40 hours a week period. Employers can’t change overtime laws and can’t avoid paying overtime by enacting a no-overtime policy or getting employees to agree on special deals. Unfortunately, it’s common for employers to treat overtime as a personal choice when it’s not. And despite regulations, many employees aren’t being paid overtime due to them. Common overtime violations include:

  • Improperly Calculated Overtime Pay– Employers must calculate overtime on the actual 40-hour workweek regardless of pay period whether it be weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. Many employers are said to average hours over 2 or more weeks, not including all payments in calculating overtime pay rate, not paying employees for all hours worked over a 40 hour work week, not including time spent preparing for work (donning and doffing), and requiring employees to wort through unpaid meal breaks. Such errors may not always be accidental.
  • Comp Time Instead of Overtime Pay– Compensatory time is paid time off for extra hours worked that’s generally granted to hourly employees instead of overtime wages. It can sometimes be legal (though it’s often not due to fear of employer abuse) but employers must pay it at 150%, the same rate as overtime wages. To give employees to take compensatory time or extra paid time off in lieu of overtime pay is illegal under federal law. Furthermore, those who do take the compensatory time option aren’t always guaranteed time off whether they want it or need it.
  • Employees Not Allowed to Report Work over 40 Hours Per Week– Many employers have rules that no overtime work will be permitted or paid for unless authorized in advance. Some employers choose to ignore when hourly employees work overtime or don’t allow employees to work overtime hours. This violates overtime rules.
  • Misclassification of Employees as Exempt Workers– Exempt employees are by law workers not entitled to receive overtime pay. Whether an employee is exempt or not can be confusing. However, it has nothing to do with one’s job or job description or whether one is paid a salary or hourly. It depends on what an employee actually does on their job on a daily basis that determines whether or not they’re legally entitled to overtime pay.

Not Paying for Meals and Rest Period Pay – Meals need not be counted as work time if they are at least 30 minutes long and the employee is relieved from active duty during the meal period even if they must remain available. An employee who works through lunch is working and that time must be counted. An employee who eats a sandwich at the desk or is required to monitor a machine is working through lunch. However, many employers who have their employees work through lunch are guilty of this.

Not Paying for Off the Clock Work– Many FLSA lawsuits involve employers failing to include time spent by employees performing work activities outside their normal shifts. Some may come early and start working before the official start time of their shifts. Such time is work time and must be included in FLSA pay computations, provided only that the employer knew or should’ve known that the employee was beginning work early (and to the extent that the employee spent pre-shift time performing work activities). Pre-shift roll calls are work time. Time spent setting up equipment before the official start of a shift is work time. Some employees may similarly stay late after shifts performing works which should be counted as work time as well. Travel time and on-call time is work time. Time spent by an employee cleaning equipment after the close of a shift is work time. Post shift work time can also include time spent by an employee performing job related activities on the way home like a secretary dropping off the day’s mail at the post office or delivering some paperwork to a customer or supplier. Some employees take work home. That time may well be work time. Similarly if an employee is contacted at home by phone for work related reasons, the time spent is work time (as well as when an employee is called back to work, the time counts as work time). This is a very common wage violation by employers.

Minimum Wage– The federal minimum wage is $7.25 an hour. It’s a poverty wage that’s not able to support a family but that’s beside the point. For tipped workers, it’s $2.13 an hour as long as it’s fixed and the tips add up to be at the federal or above the federal minimum wage which I think is stupid. Some states also have legislation that sets a state minimum wage as well. Depending on the state, the employee is always entitled to the higher standard of compensation. A common form of wage theft for tipped employees is to receive no standard pay and stealing tips. The Wage and Hour Division is said to be generally contacted by 25,000 people a year in regards to concerns and violations of minimum wage pay. Paying employees less than minimum wage is a very common wage theft practice.

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Missclassification is a common method of wage theft in which employers try to pass their workers off as independent contractors. The difference between employee and independent contractor is in this infographic.

Misclassification– One of the more extensive and insidious forms of wage theft which leaves workers especially vulnerable. Under the FLSA, independent contractors aren’t covered by tax and wage laws that apply to regular employees. Nor do they receive the same protection as employees for certain benefits. Thus, independent contractors aren’t entitled to a minimum wage, overtime, insurance, protection, or other employee rights. Nor do employers pay Social Security, Medicare, payroll taxes, or federal unemployment insurance on contract employees. Independent contractors also have to pay payroll taxes to the IRS. The difference between the two classifications depends on the permanency of employment, opportunity for profit and loss, as well as the worker’s level of self-employment along with their degree of control. Nevertheless, employers are strongly motivated to classify regular employees as contract workers to save costs, a practice known as pay roll fraud. A 2007 study in New York state found that 704,785 workers or 10.3% of the state’s private sector workforce was misclassified each year. For industries covered in this study, average unemployment insurance taxable wages underreported due to misclassification was on average $4.3 billion for the year while the unemployment insurance tax underreported in these industries was $176 million.

Illegal Deductions– Employees are subject to forms of wage theft through this method. Trivial to sometimes fabricated workplace violations are used to validate deductions. Any deduction that brings an employee to a level of compensation less than the minimum wage is also illegal. In many states, employers are required to issue employees documentation of deductions along with earnings. Failure to issue such documentation is generally prevalent in workplaces subject to wage theft.

Full Wage Theft– Employers are legally obligated to pay employees. However, this doesn’t always happen and is the most blatant and extreme form of wage theft.

Other– These may include putting pressure on injured workers not to file for workers’ compensation, being denied time off or vacation time they have required, being denied pay for sick leave or vacation time, not paying final paycheck to workers who’ve left, delaying payments (not paying on scheduled paydays or on a timely basis), bounced paychecks, stealing and pooling tips, unpaid internships, not reimbursing expenses, not keeping or fabricating records of hours worked, not paying for training, and under staffing. These could depend on state and local jurisdictions.

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According to the FBI, more money is lost to wage theft than in any other property crimes including robbery, auto theft, burglary, and larceny. And money number is only from the reported cases.

How Common Is Wage Theft?

Wage theft is widespread in the United States existing in all professions and affecting all workers regardless of race, gender, or legal status. When it comes to ripping employees off, employers don’t discriminate. But low-income workers and immigrants tend to be the most vulnerable. Yet, this could happen to higher income employees as well such as in high tech companies. So don’t think you can’t become a victim of wage theft because you can. While no one knows exactly how big this problem is, federal and state agencies have recovered $933 million for wage theft victims in 2012 while property taken in all thefts and robberies amounted to under $341 million. Research suggests that American workers are getting screwed out of $20 billion to $50 billion annually. The odds of you becoming a victim of wage theft are likely but some workers are more vulnerable than others.

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Undocumented immigrants are the most vulnerable to wage theft due to their precarious legal status that leaves them unable to speak up without risking deportation. Many employers take full advantage of this by paying them under the table and threatening to call immigration on them if they get out of line.

Who Are Most Vulnerable to Wage Theft?

Low income workers are the most vulnerable to wage theft, particularly in fields that employ women, people of color, and foreign born populations. Foreign-born women are at a much greater risk for wage violations than their male counterparts. Undocumented immigrants stood at the highest risk levels. Education, longer tenured employment, union membership, and English proficiency proved to be influential factors in reducing wage theft for the aforementioned demographics. Wage theft is more common in small businesses with less than 100 employees than larger companies. Workplaces with flat rate compensation or cash under the table payments also reported a higher instance in wage theft. We should also take into account that while low income workers are most vulnerable to wage theft, they’re the least likely to report it as well as suffer the most devastating consequences. When a worker only earns a minimum wage ($290 for a 40 hour workweek), shaving a mere half hour of the day from the paycheck could mean a loss of more than $1,400 a year, including overtime premiums. That could be nearly 10% of a minimum wage employee’s earnings which could be the difference between paying the rent and utilities or risking eviction and the loss of gas, water, or electric service.

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This infographic illustrates the real costs of wage theft which consist of less income, time poverty, and a poor workplace environment. Wage theft is wrong, it hurts families, it hurts people’s well being, and leads to further worker abuse.

Why Is Wage Theft Bad?

Think of it this way, if you spend several hours working your ass off and your boss doesn’t pay you the money or benefits you should be receiving, you would surely feel very upset about it. After all, you worked for it, you earned it. Therefore, your employer is required to pay you for all the work you did for them. This is how the employer-employee relationship is supposed to work. If your boss doesn’t pay what you deserve, then it’s obviously unfair. Your boss is ripping you off. Wage theft costs workers billions of dollars a year, a transfer from low income employees to business owners that worsens income inequality, hurts workers and their families, and damages the sense of fairness and justice that a democracy needs to survive. And when low wage workers are underpaid, taxpayers face the burden of supporting workers whose employers haven’t paid into Social Security taxes and other funds. Plus the millions of dollars lost in tax revenue. Not only that, but the money your average low income worker loses in unpaid wages is not reinvested in the economy. Meanwhile businesses who do pay their employees without resorting to wage theft find it hard to compete in a market with their additional employee-related expenses.

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Employers resort to wage theft because it keeps their costs down, saves them money, and easily get away with it. In other words, when it comes to profit margins, wage theft is good business despite being illegal.

Why Would Employers Commit Wage Theft?

Many businesses violate wage and hour laws for 3 reasons. First, paying employees less gives them a competitive advantage or higher profit and have little fear of getting caught or punished. If a business can get away with illegally paying its employees a below minimum wage with no overtime, it will be able to sell its products more cheaply than one who complies with the laws and pays their workers time-and-a-half for overtime work. If a business pays its “interns” nothing while its competitors all pay interns the minimum wage, it will be able to charge clients less and steal business away from its competitors. Second, even if a business doesn’t lower prices to undercut competitors, it still pockets the difference between the wage owed and the wage paid. Thus, the employee’s loss is the owner’s extra point. Third, there’s a very low chance the employer will be caught cheating on wages so most don’t usually think twice about the consequences. After all, employers usually can afford the better legal defense and the fact wage theft laws are typically weak and insufficiently enforced. As of 2014, there are only 1,000 to 1,100 federal Wage and Hour Division investigators for the whole country who are responsible for investigating over 7 million businesses and protecting over 100-135 million employees. In 2012, they only conducted fewer than 35,000 investigations and recovered about $280 million in unpaid wages to 308,000 workers. State labor departments and attorneys general combined recovered even less. Not to mention, many federal wage theft cases are thrown out because the Department of Labor couldn’t resolve them within two years. At the state and local level, it’s often even worse since few local governments have the resources to combat wage theft and several states have cut their labor department’s. Even if businesses do get caught, they’re rarely punished. Consequences for violations found are often no more than an order to pay back the wages owed or even a fraction of the total amount. This despite that the FLSA makes the employer liable for the full amount as well as additional equal amount for liquidated damages. But at any rate, the FLSA’s civil penalties for willful and repeat violations are too small to deter offenders from engaging in similar violations in the future. For instance the maximum penalty for failure to pay overtime and minimum wage being $1,100 whether the culprit be some local ice cream shop or a giant multinational corporation like Walmart. Yet, Wage and Hour failed even to seek a penalty in most of its cases for many years. And despite that the FLSA makes repeated willful pay violations a misdemeanor punishable by up to 6 months in jail, criminal penalties are rarely if ever used. At state and local levels, wage theft laws can be even weaker while enforcement is even more insufficient.

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Wage theft often goes underreported mostly because the party with the power and resources is often the perpetrator or the employer. Victims who decide to take action often face uphill battles, lost savings, lost careers, and possibly very little back pay and justice if they win. It’s a very sad situation.

Why Does No One Talk About Wage Theft?

Because unlike your typical property crimes, wage theft usually happens behind closed doors and is not easily detectable. It’s also conducted by more powerful people typically stealing from those with few resources to do anything about it. In fact, many workers may not realize their employers are stealing from them for years into their job. Or may not know that their boss may be doing anything illegal or violating their rights under the law. But if they do, they may not report the incident anyway if calling out their employer means losing their job or other forms of retaliation like shorter hours, less pay, or increased workloads. Many immigrants are often confronted with threats of calls to immigration services if they complain or seek to redress, especially if they’re undocumented. Some employees in white collar professions are even threatened with criminal prosecution or possibly blackmail to keep them from leaving. Even if they do sue and win, they often end up losing their careers and possibly their life savings to litigation fees. As for settlement, most workers who win their wage theft case usually don’t see a dime. Not to mention, it rarely makes front page news unless the case pertains to a class action lawsuit against a large corporation. So wage theft remains vastly under reported though cases filed in federal court have been on the rise.

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In 2009-2011, warehouse workers sued Walmart for paying them less than minimum wage as well as denying the paid vacations they were promised. Walmart denied this because wage theft is one of the ways the retail giant does to ensure you save more, live better, and contribute to their profits.

What Are Effective Measures to Deter Wage Theft?

The US FSLA requires employers to keep detailed records regarding workers’ identities and hours worked for all who are protected under the minimum wage law. Most states require that employers also provide each worker with documentation every paid period detailing that worker’s hours, wages, and deductions. As of 2011, Arkansas, Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, Nebraska, South Dakota, Tennessee and Virginia didn’t require such documentation. A 2008 survey of wage theft from workers in Illinois, New York, and California found that 57% of low wage workers didn’t receive this required documentation and that workers who were paid in cash or on a weekly rate were more likely to experience wage theft. So making employer documentation legally mandatory is an effective measure though not so much when it comes to tip theft. As for other enforcement measures, while willful violators can fines up to $10,000 upon their first conviction to jail time resulting from repeat offenses. However, since the WHD is so underfunded and so understaffed (which isn’t an accident), very few wage theft cases are investigated and fewer employers are brought to justice.

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Most of the wage theft awareness campaigns usually tend to be localized and statewide. But wage theft is so widespread that Americans need to have a nationwide conversation about this. Wage theft is a very insidious crime that’s happening everywhere. We need to demand action to deter this behavior. We need to show that wage theft is an unacceptable way of doing business.

What Steps Can Be Done to Prevent and Stop Wage Theft?

First, wage theft needs to be addressed as a national issue in the national spotlight because there are stories that are barely heard on TV unless they pertain to Trump’s business shenanigans or NFL cheerleaders. Second, raise funding for the WHD so they could hire more staff to investigate (which should be doubled) as well as better laws that put stiffer penalties on employers. Third, protect victims filing complaints with government agencies from retaliation and allow them to access the back pay they’ve been so long denied if they decide to sue.There must be ways for wage theft victims to complain and stick up to their employers so they won’t have to worry about losing their jobs or their life savings. Fourth, fix the statute of limitations on wage claims for more than two years. Fifth, mandate that employers give workers pay stubs so they could accurately calculate their hours and have a record to prove they were cheated, which most states do anyway as well has been a proven deterrent. Sixth, have the DOL engage in targeted investigations of industries and employers where wage theft is rampant in partnership with community organizations workers trust and know who the criminal employers are. Seventh, instill stiffer penalties on wage theft violators which includes creating mandatory minimums for employers repeatedly breaking the law as well as make sure that wage theft judgments are enforced so workers could collect what they’ve been denied for years. And finally, provide resources to community organizations with the Department of Labor to eliminate wage theft and win back wages.

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Remember, wage theft can be prevented and stopped. The time is now to make unscrupulous employers pay. And I hope the Burger King goes directly to jail and isn’t allowed to collect $200.

Bon Voyage Vacation Memories

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Here am I in one of the gardens at Richmond, Virginia’s Maymont in 2015 with my parents. This gilded age estate boasts an animal sanctuary, a Victorian mansion, gardens, and an arboretum. And yes, it takes all day to walk through it.

In the swing of the summer, August is usually the time when most people go on vacation. Well, at least in the United States anyway. Mostly because the summer vacation is winding down for the kids who will soon be back to school for the most part. Nevertheless, you will find a lot of people want to cherish such trips forever in their scrap books or photo albums so you have people wanting to take pictures of their family. Or they may want to use the vacation photos in their Christmas card. At any rate, I can show you so many great vacation photos from people’s travels. But you’d probably assume that they’re stock photos and probably not find them interesting. So instead, I’d go to Awkward Family Photos and show pictures that don’t depict precious memories as well as were probably taken at the wrong moment. If you think your vacation photos didn’t turn out right, I hope this post makes you feel better. Because it should.

  1. Greetings from Carnival Cruises!
And what better way to show it than by being photoshopped riding on a dolphin? Yeah, it's pretty obvious.

And what better way to show it than by being photoshopped riding on a dolphin? Yeah, it’s pretty obvious.

2. When you have to answer the call of nature, holding it in can’t wait.

Helps if you bring your own toilet. Yet, you still have to take your crap with you. Or bury it.

Helps if you bring your own toilet. Yet, you still have to take your crap with you. Or bury it.

3. Nothing makes a great family vacation photo like a picture in front of the Golden Gate Bridge.

However, you should always check if the photo shoot location is a nude beach before you take the picture. Else, you might end up with a full moon near the water.

However, you should always check if the photo shoot location is a nude beach before you take the picture. Else, you might end up with a full moon near the water.

4. Remember to always wear a life jacket when you’re on a boat. You’ll never know when it’ll come in handy.

Yeah, seems like we have someone who fell overboard on the rapids. Don't worry, Sadie, Mom's got you covered.

Yeah, seems like we have someone who fell overboard on the rapids. Don’t worry, Sadie, Mom’s got you covered.

5. “And here is the whole family at the hotel witnessing some guy being taken to the emergency room.”

Guy being taken into an ambulance: Not funny. Family posing for a vacation photo while a guy's being taken into an ambulance: hilarious.

Guy being taken into an ambulance: Not funny. Family posing for a vacation photo while a guy’s being taken into an ambulance: Hilarious.

6. Sometimes a Disney World wedding proposal can be so perfect, save for that one pesky tourist who got in the way.

Given that Disney is usually crowded as hell, you have to expect these things. Yeah, that's a photobomb to remember.

Given that Disney is usually crowded as hell, you have to expect these things. Yeah, that’s a photobomb to remember.

7. Travel to the wonderful picturesque scenery of LaCroaca Beach.

Apparently, this family came since they heard it was a "Super Fun Zone." Little did they know it was actually a "Superfund Zone." Very different connotation.

Apparently, this family came since they heard it was a “Super Fun Zone.” Little did they know it was actually a “Superfund Zone.” Very different connotation.

8. There’s nothing like spending a great vacation with your dad.

However, a father and son photo is not the kind of picture for an old man in a speedo. You can't unsee that.

However, a father and son photo is not the kind of picture for an old man in a speedo. You can’t unsee that.

9. “No, I don’t want to sit with the Squid Lady!”

Then again, I can't really blame the kid. That woman really looks like a sea monster coming after him.

Then again, I can’t really blame the kid. That woman really looks like a sea monster coming after him.

10. “On second thought, maybe taking Sparky with us wasn’t a good idea.”

Yeah, I don't think the dog should be sniffing up that woman's skirt. Really ruins the moment.

Yeah, I don’t think the dog should be sniffing up that woman’s skirt. Really ruins the moment.

11. Sometimes it helps to know what the animals are doing before taking pictures of young children at the zoo.

Apparently, the older brother has some fascination with Humping, Humping Hippos. As for the girl, well, she's probably watched enough nature shows to know what's going on.

Apparently, the older brother has some fascination with Humping, Humping Hippos. As for the girl, well, she’s probably watched enough nature shows to know what’s going on.

12. On the water, always try to hold onto the raft.

Or else you can go flying out of the boat or into the water. Luckily he has on his life jacket.

Or else you can go flying out of the boat or into the water. Luckily he has on his life jacket.

13. Here are the Hendersons in the cave with Perry the Polar Bear.

And it seems like Perry wants to take Mrs. Henderson and Leslie for a tasty meal afterwards. Then again, Perry may be some really gigantic and ugly Arctic Ferret for all I care.

And it seems like Perry wants to take Mrs. Henderson and Leslie for a tasty meal afterwards. Then again, Perry may be some really gigantic and ugly Arctic Ferret for all I care.

14. Apparently, Grandpa didn’t take to surfing very well.

Sure it's a photo op. But the grandfather really seems to be in distress here. Not a happy camper in the least.

Sure it’s a photo op. But the grandfather really seems to be in distress here. Not a happy camper in the least.

15. On Carnival Cruise Lines, you can have your picture taken with your favorite Latin American stereotype.

Seems like this family went with a Mexican bandito. And no, he don't need no stinkin' badges.

Seems like this family went with a Mexican bandito. And no, he don’t need no stinkin’ badges.

16. “Just let me finish this one level of Donkey Kong.”

I don't know about you. But I think when you're on vacation, best leave the video games at home. And definitely not play them on Splash Mountain.

I don’t know about you. But I think when you’re on vacation, best leave the video games at home. And definitely not play them on Splash Mountain.

17. “Son, it’s about time that I introduce you to the tradition of lederhozen.”

I have no idea why lederhozen exists. But this is certainly a picture this boy will certainly not want his classmates to see.

I have no idea why lederhozen exists. But this is certainly a picture this boy will certainly not want his classmates to see.

18. Despite what some parents think, sometimes you’re better off not getting your teenage children matching swimsuits.

This guy must be a brave man to wear a hot pink speedo. Guess this is what guys have to go through if they have sisters.

This guy must be a brave man to wear a hot pink speedo. Guess this is what guys have to go through if they have sisters.

19. Apparently, there was a massive Pooh epidemic in town.

In fact, there was Pooh everywhere as far as the eye can see. And we mean literally everywhere.

In fact, there was Pooh everywhere as far as the eye can see. And we mean literally everywhere.

20. Sometimes your destination may include interesting venue names.

This is a leather working shop. Hopefully, little Cindy doesn't understand what "Cow's Ass" means by this point.

This is a leather working shop. Hopefully, little Cindy doesn’t understand what “Cow’s Ass” means by this point.

21. Apparently, Mr. Grizzly was not in a good mood that day.

Well, at least there's a fence so the bear won't attack anybody. Then again, the fence doesn't seem that effective. Unless it's electric.

Well, at least there’s a fence so the bear won’t attack anybody. Then again, the fence doesn’t seem that effective. Unless it’s electric.

22. Seems like the Flanders family went to the sharks.

Relax, they were at an aquarium in North Carolina and got their picture there. Interesting, they chose a shark backdrop for it.

Relax, they were at an aquarium in North Carolina and got their picture there. Interesting, they chose a shark backdrop for it.

23. Since her was a pup, Rascal always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.

But once he got there, he wasn't impressed with the view. Nobody knows why.

But once he got there, he wasn’t impressed with the view. Nobody knows why.

24. Seems like Jimmy is enjoying the family trip to Hawaii this year.

Sorry, kid, but I'm afraid the hula girl's not interested. Don't take it personally.

Sorry, kid, but I’m afraid the hula girl’s not interested. Don’t take it personally.

25. Welcome to Arkansas where they all come fully loaded.

Let's hope this kid isn't holding a real assault rifle. Because this photo is incredibly disturbing. Really.

Let’s hope this kid isn’t holding a real assault rifle. Because this photo is incredibly disturbing. Really.

26. Unfortunately, some families are bound to experience some vacation dismemberment.

This is actually a botched attempt of a panorama picture. As you see, it did not go well at all.

This is actually a botched attempt of a panorama picture so no actual dismemberment took place. But looking at it…

27. There’s nothing better than a family vacation to Disney World which is the happiest place on earth.

The Sadlers seemed to think otherwise. From their faces, they probably became disappointed once they saw how long the lines were for the rides.

The Sadlers seemed to think otherwise. From their faces, they probably became disappointed once they saw how long the lines were for the rides.

28. You can’t have a family vacation without a soak in a Jacuzzi.

I see these kind of pictures a lot and they always seem awkward. A few of the guys can't hide their discomfort for the picture. No wonder.

I see these kind of pictures a lot and they always seem awkward. A few of the guys can’t hide their discomfort for the picture. No wonder.

29. “Honey, do you know where Travis is? You told me he was in the tent.”

In reality, the kid was on the tent, not in the tent. Still, someone get him off there.

In reality, the kid was on the tent, not in the tent. Still, someone get him off there.

30. Hop aboard the good ship, Hornblower Invader.

To be fair, there is a guy named Hornblower in literature who's a naval officer. But the name can sound so dirty that it just gives me giggles.

To be fair, there is a guy named Hornblower in literature who’s a naval officer. But the name can sound so dirty that it just gives me giggles.

31. Despite being seen as “the happiest place on earth,” we have to accept the fact that Disney World has an insidious dark side.

Oh, my God, Mickey, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to hug and pose with children, not eat them! Never seen something so horrifying.

Oh, my God, Mickey, what the hell are you doing? You’re supposed to hug and pose with children, not eat them! Never seen something so horrifying.

32. Hop along the Wet Dream, kiddos.

Well, the word "wet dream" has another meaning. But I don't think it's something to tell the kids about till they're older.

Well, the word “wet dream” has another meaning. But I don’t think it’s something to tell the kids about till they’re older.

33. Now Lexie had understood what Jason meant when he talked about “the big one that got away.”

Seems like she's jealous that her boyfriend appears more interested in the fish than in her. I don't think she understands what he has with Big Mouth Billy Bass. And never will.

Seems like she’s jealous that her boyfriend appears more interested in the fish than in her. I don’t think she understands what he has with Big Mouth Billy Bass. And never will.

34. There are some people who love roller coaster rides, then there are people like this.

My dad is totally this girl when it comes to roller coasters. She'll be in for a wild ride.

My dad is totally this girl when it comes to roller coasters. She’ll be in for a wild ride.

35. When you wanted to go see Evanescence but are stuck with going to the family cabin instead.

That girl really stands out in this picture. Then again, you tend to have that with teenagers.

That girl really stands out in this picture. Then again, you tend to have that with teenagers. It’s part of life.

36. When camping, nobody puts baby in a corner but on a post.

Well, that's one way to keep an eye on the baby. Wonder if they had camping high chairs back then. Probably not.

Well, that’s one way to keep an eye on the baby. Wonder if they had camping high chairs back then. Probably not.

37. When naming a geographic location, make sure it doesn’t have unfortunate implications.

Honestly, she's not a hoe. That's just the name of the place. But you get the joke.

Honestly, she’s not a hoe. That’s just the name of the place. But you get the joke.

38. “Watch where you place your hand, Bobby!”

To be fair, the kid doesn't know any better. But yes, it's a very unfortunate placement that you don't want on a Christmas card.

To be fair, the kid doesn’t know any better. But yes, it’s a very unfortunate placement that you don’t want on a Christmas card.

39. Greetings from Park City Mountain Resort!

The place where sibling rivalries are known to intensify. Even on the ski lifts.

The place where sibling rivalries are known to intensify. Even on the ski lifts.

40. This is a great place to see a giant tortoise up close and personal.

In fairness, this seems to be photoshopped by some zoo. Yet, it begs the question why the place would have a mating turtle backdrop to begin with.

In fairness, this seems to be photoshopped by some zoo. Yet, it begs the question why the place would have a mating turtle backdrop to begin with.

41. Think deer are pleasant creatures? Think again.

Man, some animals just don't seem to know fear. Don't worry the girl only received a bruise.

Man, some animals just don’t seem to know fear. Don’t worry the girl only received a bruise.

42. There are some foods that are too much for a seagull to resist.

Then again, seagulls eat almost anything they could get their beaks on. But they especially like fish since they're coastal birds.

Then again, seagulls eat almost anything they could get their beaks on. But they especially like fish since they’re coastal birds.

43. For some reason, the squirrel wanted to smile for the camera.

At first this photo doesn't seem out of the ordinary. Until you see the squirrel facing the camera.

At first this photo doesn’t seem out of the ordinary. Until you see the squirrel facing the camera. Then you wonder if it’s nuts.

44. There are some couples’ vacation photos that beg the question, “Why?”

Guess these two wanted a photo together to embarrass their kids with someday. Future and otherwise.

Guess these two wanted a photo together to embarrass their kids with someday. Future and otherwise.

45. Recently, she’s become a magnet for macaws.

Kind of reminds me of those vintage bikini postcard photos for some reason. Then again, it's quite tame in comparison.

Kind of reminds me of those vintage bikini postcard photos for some reason. Then again, it’s quite tame in comparison.

46. “Hey, that wasn’t supposed to happen on the elephant ride!”

Guess this was how Dumbo was made. Bet Disney didn't show you that. Still, like how one guy seems excited about it.

Guess this was how Dumbo was made. Bet Disney didn’t show you that. Still, like how one guy seems excited about it.

47. Maybe they should’ve hired a better T-shirt designer for the family reunion.

That's a very unfortunate design. Guess the little kid just learned a new curse word.

That’s a very unfortunate design. Guess the little kid just learned a new curse word.

48. When driving around the animals, always keep your window up.

Talk about a traumatizing moment. Hope the boy is all right after that. And has brought a change of clothes.

Talk about a traumatizing moment. Hope the boy is all right after that. And has brought a change of clothes.

49. This old lady is like, “I never want to go on this ride again.”

Since this photo was taken on a water ride, I wouldn't blame her. But that look her face says it all.

Since this photo was taken on a water ride, I wouldn’t blame her. But that look her face says it all.

50.  Woodland scenery always makes a great romantic photo op.

Except when you see two bears mating in the background. Yes, that's what hot grizzly action looks like kids. No joke.

Except when you see two bears mating in the background. Yes, that’s what hot grizzly action looks like kids. No joke.

51. “Sorry, Grandma, but it’s for your own good.”

Pushing your granny off of Niagra Falls. It's the kind of touching family photo only the likes of Alfred Hitchcock would dream of making into a movie.

Pushing your granny off of Niagra Falls. It’s the kind of touching family photo only the likes of Alfred Hitchcock would dream of making into a movie.

52. That moment when you want to take a picture of your kids during nuclear testing.

You got to hope that photoshop was going on here. Otherwise, those kids might be doomed for all we know.

You got to hope that photoshop was going on here. Otherwise, those kids might be doomed for all we know.

53. “Excuse me, but could you take me and my cubs to the salmon spawning grounds?”

That has to make you shit your pants. Seriously, if a bear comes that close to you, stay in the car and drive off. Just do it.

That has to make you shit your pants. Seriously, if a bear comes that close to you, stay in the car and drive off. Just do it.

54. Nothing is more fun than pretending to be African tribesmen killing taxidermied animals.

I know this might be offensive to some people. But I think it's pretty funny. Besides, this picture was taken in the 1970s anyway.

I know this might be offensive to some people. But I think it’s pretty funny. Besides, this picture was taken in the 1970s anyway.

55. At Zakopane, dog sled rides are fun for the whole family.

However, that has to be someone in a polar bear suit. And it seems to have the body of an Abominable Snowman.

However, that has to be someone in a polar bear suit. And it seems to have the body of an Abominable Snowman.

56. “Aaaah! Giraffe Man in the water! Run for your lives!”

This is just too much. Like how everyone seems scared by a guy in a giraffe suit. And he's not nearly as scary as a maneating shark.

This is just too much. Like how everyone seems scared by a guy in a giraffe suit. And he’s not nearly as scary as a maneating shark.

57. When you’re hiking and are the one holding all the equipment.

Apparently, "share the load" doesn't apply to this guy for some reason. Can see why the woman appears to resent him. Hope she gets a free trip to a massage parlor afterwards.

Apparently, “share the load” doesn’t apply to this guy for some reason. Can see why the woman appears to resent him. Hope she gets a free trip to a massage parlor afterwards.

58. Nothing is scarier to children than a banjo playing gator.

Even funnier, that gator is nowhere near intimidating. But the kids are crying anyway.

Even funnier, that gator is nowhere near intimidating. But the kids are crying anyway.

59. Sometimes you never know who you’re going to meet on the road.

Yes, there's a biker gang nearby. No, I don't know if they're just there to admire the scenery. But it's pretty funny.

Yes, there’s a biker gang nearby. No, I don’t know if they’re just there to admire the scenery. But it’s pretty funny.

60. Introducing the “Dad Tan.”

Not sure if those are his tan lines or he doesn't know how to put on sunscreen correctly. Either way, he might need to apply the Aloe Vera.

Not sure if those are his tan lines or he doesn’t know how to put on sunscreen correctly. Either way, he might need to apply the Aloe Vera.

61. When it comes to meth, just let it go before this happens.

Elsa, what the hell happened to you? You look like hell. And you seem like you're in really deep shit, too.

Elsa, what the hell happened to you? You look like hell. And you seem like you’re in really deep shit, too.

62. Here is Tom taking a jump at the Grand Canyon.

Don't worry it's photoshopped. But it sure will freak out his parents.

Don’t worry it’s photoshopped. But it sure will freak out his parents.

63. Your first time on water skis could be a rather crazy experience.

This kid is holding his breath. Wouldn't really blame him either.

This kid is holding his breath. Wouldn’t really blame him either.

64. Sibling rivalry: sometimes it can start at a very young age.

This is bound to give your parents a heart attack. Then again, maybe the other kid lost balance.

This is bound to give your parents a heart attack. Then again, maybe the other kid lost balance.

65. “Aaah! There’s an ostrich at my window!”

I can understand why that woman is screaming. If an ostrich appeared at your car window, you'd feel the same way.

I can understand why that woman is screaming. If an ostrich appeared at your car window, you’d feel the same way.

66. Sometimes moments like these make you wish to have a vacation away from your embarrassing family.

Family vacations can be inescapable things sometimes. Particularly when to posing for crazy photo ops.

Family vacations can be inescapable things sometimes. Particularly when to posing for crazy photo ops.

67. “Who put tomato slices on my legs?”

If I were her, I'd be asking the same question. Then again, she was probably a prank target.

If I were her, I’d be asking the same question. Then again, she was probably a prank target.

68. For some reason, little Cassidy was different from the other girls.

Seems like she's looking a bit grizzly lately. Best to not get on her bad side for the time being.

Seems like she’s looking a bit grizzly lately. Best to not get on her bad side for the time being.

69. You always need a picture with giraffes on a zoo trip.

And I guess the trip became a rather educational experience for this young girl. Or at least when she saw what the giraffes were doing in the background.

And I guess the trip became a rather educational experience for this young girl. Or at least when she saw what the giraffes were doing in the background.

70. When photographing your kids near rocks, make sure they don’t have anything written on them.

Yeah, "get high" is not an appropriate message for children. But it's graffiti so it's not where it's supposed to be anyway.

Yeah, “get high” is not an appropriate message for children. But it’s graffiti so it’s not where it’s supposed to be anyway.

71. Someone wake up Grandma before she’s underwater.

Well, she certainly chose the wrong place to sit at the beach. Don't want to be at the tide.

Well, she certainly chose the wrong place to sit at the beach. Don’t want to be at the tide.

72. Seems like this place is having a ball.

Let's hope this little girl doesn't know what the word, "testicle" means. At least until she's older.

Let’s hope this little girl doesn’t know what the word, “testicle” means. At least until she’s older.

73. Seems like Maisy fell out of the plane.

Don't worry. Her mom and her sister have her. So she's fine. Seriously.

Don’t worry. Her mom and her sister have her. So she’s fine. Seriously.

74. Someone help her before she falls off a cliff.

Again, this is a photoshopped picture designed to freak out parents. But still, it's disturbing.

Again, this is a photoshopped picture designed to freak out parents. But still, it’s disturbing.

75. Someone doesn’t think that Tiggers are wonderful things.

For the girl hiding under the table, Tiggers are the stuff of nightmares. Of great, big, bouncy nightmares.

For the girl hiding under the table, Tiggers are the stuff of nightmares. Of great, big, bouncy nightmares.

76. How about a moon over Manhattan?

I didn't mean that kind of moon. But you can see the photographer was in for a big surprise when this picture developed.

I didn’t mean that kind of moon. But you can see the photographer was in for a big surprise when this picture developed.

77. Someone doesn’t seem to be enjoying their Caribbean vacation.

Then again, the guy's face totally seems photoshopped since he probably wasn't with his folks on the trip to begin with. Doesn't look right at all.

Then again, the guy’s face totally seems photoshopped since he probably wasn’t with his folks on the trip to begin with. Doesn’t look right at all.

78. When everyone’s exhausted on the trip and you’re wanting to see more.

Then again, the baby was probably tiring out the whole family. And might even cry just for the heck of it.

Then again, the baby was probably tiring out the whole family. And might even cry just for the heck of it.

79. This has to be a view from another world.

This is a beach where kids are on leashes and dogs run free. Hopefully the dogs are spayed or neutered.

This is a beach where kids are on leashes and dogs run free. Hopefully the dogs are spayed or neutered.

80. “Did we miss anybody?”

Looks like someone fell off the raft in the rapids. Guess they'll have to go back for him.

Looks like someone fell off the raft in the rapids. Guess they’ll have to go back for him.

The Cinematic Wilderness Survival Guide

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Since Daniel Defoe wrote Robinson Crusoe and even before then, survival stories have always been a source of endless entertainment to the masses living in civilization. Today you have survival movies like Castaway and The Revenant along with TV series like Lost and The Walking Dead, and even reality programs like Survivor or stuff from the Discovery Channel. Many of what you see about surviving in the wilderness or devastated urban environment isn’t necessarily what’s going to help you in real life. Reality shows have camera crews and don’t really depict reality anyway. And survival stories that took place in historical times may feature characters that do stuff that violate basic common sense. Here I have a list of survival tips you get from movies and why they’re totally wrong.

It’s likely that you will suddenly end up in a classic survival scenario. (Most people who end up in a classic survival scenario usually do so through a series of bad decisions that, if you don’t take immediate action, you might die. Real survival isn’t about being the toughest and most experienced, but keeping out of those situations through basic common sense. Not to mention, being flexible as well as swallowing stubbornness and pride. For instance, a lot of your classic survival heroes probably wouldn’t be in such situations if they {or someone else} didn’t make the decision to travel to the location in the first place. Still, if you’re fishing in a lake when you see lightning, get off the lake. It’s that simple).

You can live off the land with no problem. (From How to Survive It: “When the settlers landed on Plymouth Rock, they had plenty of experience living off the land (hunting, foraging, farming, etc.) and were well-versed in primitive skills like fire-starting and making the most of natural resources, yet they still nearly starved to death. Today there are fewer wild animals and edible plants and far more people than then, and few people possess even a fraction of the skills that our settlers had. If living off the land is your only plan to sustain yourself and your family, you’re in for some rough, potentially deadly times.”)

A gun is the most important thing you’ll need. (Guns may be great to have when surviving the wilderness or a post-apocalyptic scenario, but they will not help you if you’re thirsty or have a medical emergency. While a gun may protect you from criminals {though not always reliably}, you’re more likely to die of disease or accidents. So unless you’re in a situation similar to Oregon Trail, you’re better off stocking on food and medical supplies before buying a gun).

You don’t need to prepare for survival in a short hike. (Even short hikes can become dire survival situations. The weather may get bad. You might get lost or injured. Always have a few key items with you before you venture into the outdoors like extra clothes, a map, a compass, a flashlight, first aid kit, as well as extra snacks and water. Also, always let someone know where you’re going and when you plan to come back so they could notify a search party to rescue you if you don’t).

If you get into trouble, you can always be lifted to a hospital by helicopter. (Not if the area doesn’t have cell phone reception. Or if there’s severe weather conditions. Or in places where helicopters can’t reach you. If you’re hiking in South America, you will not have a helicopter to rescue you and emergencies must be handled by guides, porters, and other hikers. Some may not be able to speak English. And even if a helicopter rescue is possible, there’s still the matter of getting in touch with someone who can send it).

Space blankets are useless. (From Outdoor Life: “Those Mylar-coated emergency blankets certainly don’t look very warm. How on earth can something no thicker than a trash bag save your life? Well, though the aluminum coating on these blankets is very thin, it is thermal-reflective. In other words, it can redirect infrared energy, which means that it reflects heat. When you are getting cold due to shock or exposure, it’s because the heat you were radiating is lost to the air and not replaced. With a space blanket wrapped around you, however, the moisture in your clothes won’t evaporate {which causes cooling} and you won’t lose as much heat to the air moving around you {limiting convective heat loss}. So you will stay warm when you’re wrapped up in this sheet that looks like tin foil. And since these lifesaving blankets pack down so small and are so cheap, there’s no reason to run around in the bush without carrying a few of them.”)

You can depend on your cell phone to save you. (If you’re miles away from civilization, this might not be the case. Besides, batteries die, reception is spotty, and your phone isn’t invincible. You’re better off being appropriately prepared and letting people know where you’re going and when you’ll return. So if you don’t come back within a certain amount of time, that person can trigger a search and rescue operation for you).

Being able to survive in the wilderness takes a lot of skills and physical fitness. (This isn’t necessarily true because ordinary and unassuming men, women, and children can also survive and have as long as they have the will, the positive-realistic attitude, and the emotional resilience to endure. Also, it helps that you’re smart and use common sense as well as don’t get yourself in a deadly scenario).

Wearing wet clothes is better than no clothes at all. (From Survive All: “Water has a nasty habit of holding on to its temperature for long periods of time, so if you have just fallen through ice and you get out and keep your clothes on, all you are doing is keeping yourself cold. You are better off naked than in wet clothes.” Yeah, probably don’t want to risk getting hypothermia).

Wait a day or more to see if help arrives before starting anything. (Always plan if help isn’t coming though hope it does).

Dead or dormant poison ivy can’t hurt you. (From Backpacker: “Urushiol, the oil in poison ivy that prompts allergic reactions when in contact with skin, remains active for several years after the plant dies. Furthermore, the urushiol is not just in the leaves of the plant, but is also present in the roots and stems. So how do you pinpoint poison ivy when there are no leaves? Luckily, this toxic plant produces aerial roots, making the vines appear “hairy”—a handy sign for shoulder-season hikers.”)

Shelter:

Shelter means coverage. (Adequate shelter has very little to do with coverage and everything to do with protection from the elements. In a hot sunny climate, this means shade. In cold or temperate climate, this means warmth. Poorly built shacks with roofs and walls are a poor way to protect yourself from the cold. Making a small nest that insulates the ground and provides some wind protection vastly recommended before building a roof).

Lean-tos make great shelters. (Yes, they look cool and are easy, but it’s better to go with something that has 4 walls, a doorway, and a roof. And if it’s cold, try to insulate the ground before building a roof.)

During a thunderstorm, it’s best to seek shelter from lightning under a tree. (Since I was a kid, I knew hiding under a tree during a thunderstorm is just absolutely insane. Lightning is attracted to height, pointy objects, and isolation, which are often associated with trees. Also, unlike skyscrapers, towers, and other tall buildings, trees don’t have lightning rods. Best to seek shelter in a home or car. And if these aren’t options, crouch down on the balls of your feet. If you’re in a group do so at least 100 yards from the other members of your party to reduce the risk of being hit together, allowing the others to administer CPR if necessary. Lying flat on the ground might lower your profile even more but it increases your chance of picking up the ground current and it’s not advised).

Shelters should be built from dead materials. (From The Good Survivalist: “This one came from our friends in the ‘green’ survival movement. They are far more concerned that a few trees might get killed than they are about your life. All advice from them should be considered highly suspect. Imagine building your shelter as a big pile of dead leaves and wood. Now imagine having a campfire anywhere near that. Do you really want to climb in there and go to sleep? Nuff’ said.” Chopping down a few trees for a shelter the forest isn’t going to contribute to deforestation much).

Navigation:

You’ll never get lost with a GPS. (From Outdoor Life: “If you can afford one, you should always take a GPS unit with you into the backcountry. These high-tech navigational tools are easy to use, and more important, they always let you know where you are. But they aren’t a fail-safe against getting lost. If you misplace or break the unit, or your batteries die, you’d better have a map and compass (and the knowledge to use them) as a backup. Navigation isn’t just about knowing where you are; it’s about knowing which way to go as well.”)

Always walk your way to safety. (In some situations, conserving energy and hydrating might be your best bet like in the desert. It’s also best that you take 30 minute breaks to let the adrenaline flush out of your system so you can make decisions with a clear frame of mind as well as assess your injuries, which is often overlooked in survival manuals).

It’s always a good idea to climb a tree to look for the trail ahead. (From Getting Out Alive: “Although gaining a high vantage point can give you a better view of things ahead, climbing a tree is both exhausting and dangerous and is not worth the energy expenditure, nor the risk of injury.”)

As long as you can find North, you can navigate to safety. (From Getting Out Alive: “North is meaningless unless you know which direction you must travel to reach safety. Knowing where you are in relation to a safe destination is the only important issue.”)

Always hike through the night to avoid the heat during the day. (From Getting Out Alive: “In hot regions, use the morning hours for hiking, from just after daybreak until the heat comes up. Hunker down during the heat of the day, but do not travel through the night or you risk injury or becoming lost.”)

Always travel swiftly to get out of a survival situation as quickly as possible. (Travel cautiously and avoid injury at all cost. Because suffering an injury might be the very thing that kills you.)

Wildlife:

Holding a baby animal in front of its parents will not bring you any harm. Heck, the adult animals may even let you hold their cubs. (This was in Disney’s Pocahontas. Holding a baby animal in front of its parents will result in an emergency room visit or some time in the ICU if you’re lucky {assuming the animal is large enough like a deer or a bear}. Because doing so will lead its parents to perceive you as a threat and they will attack you. If you value your life, do not go anywhere near baby animals. If you see a helpless baby animal that’s alone for more than 24 hours, malnourished, or sick call animal control if you can. Else, just beat it and leave the animal alone. Sure it might fall prey to predators or the elements, but at least you’ll be alive. Note that what you see happen to Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant was not something most people survived without medical treatment. In fact, quite the contrary {though Leo’s case in that movie can be excused since the real Hugh Glass was attacked by a bear in the 1820s and did survive but it was through sheer dumb luck [because we do know he was killed by Native Americans in 1833]. And it’s unlikely that the bear attacked him that way since it would’ve paralyzed him. Still, while Fitzgerald and Bridger left Glass for dead, they did so because they were so convinced he wouldn’t survive}).

You can always count on the woodland creatures to help you when you’re stranded in the woods. (Sorry, but this isn’t Snow White for crying out loud. Seriously, the best way the woodland creatures could help you is by being your dinner).

Always punch an attacking shark in the nose. (Most people lack the upper body strength to strike a blow powerful enough to stun a shark, especially when punching in the water. Shark attack experts generally recommend clawing the shark in the gills and eyes instead. Because sharks will naturally try to protect their vision and respiration capabilities. A sharp blow or a scratch to either may be enough to scare a shark away. Sharks look for easy prey and most won’t risk safety for a quick meal.)

If a bear approaches you, just play dead. (Maybe if it’s a mother grizzly defending her cubs. But if it’s any other kind of bear {namely a black bear which you’re more likely to encounter in North America}, it might attack you anyway. Your best bet is making yourself look intimidating which can be accomplished by opening your jacket, spreading out your arms, and shouting. Hopefully the bear would be spooked and run away. Also avoid making eye contact with a grizzly or it might consider it a challenge).

When in contact with a bear, the best way to avoid an attack is to out run it. (If you run into a bear, don’t ever try to outrun it. Because you can’t. Bears run at 30mph which is faster than Usain Bolt. Yes, even he can’t outrun a bear, let alone you. Instead, stay where you are. If it’s a black bear, make yourself look big such as opening your coat, holding out your arms over your head, as well as shout and scream until it’s spooked and takes off. If it’s a grizzly, avoid eye contact and back away slowly. If it charges, stand your ground. If it makes physical contact, cover your vitals and play dead. Either way, bring bear or pepper spray).

If you come across a sick or injured animal, try to help it. (Stay the hell away from it or run like hell. Because sick and wounded animals can be very dangerous, especially if they have rabies. Besides, wounded animals can still attack you. Best to call animal control if you can).

Water is a good escape from a bee attack. (I’ve seen this a lot in movies, TV, and cartoons. Nevertheless, despite multiple accounts of people avoiding swarms doing so, they proved to be fruitless since the bees were there waiting when the people came up for air. Instead of running into the water, seek refuge in a car or building. If these options aren’t available, just keep running, especially through a brush or thicket. Bees have been known to pursue people for half a mile and the run will be worth a reprieve).

Wildlife is always your biggest problem. (As long as you don’t do anything to disturb or try to feed them, the animals will not bother you. You’re more likely to encounter a wild animal in more urbanized areas than in the woods. Then again, this might be relevant in Africa, but if your stranded in North America, wildlife is the least of your worries).

Immediately put up protection against animals like wolves. (The best you can protect yourself against an animal is to stay away from It and don’t do anything to piss them off. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. Besides, predators like wolves are more interested in easy prey. A big fire is normally enough).

Garlic repels mosquitoes. (What repels mosquitoes is mosquito repellant like DEET, not garlic.)

Venomous snakes have triangular heads. (A snake’s head shape is irrelevant on whether it’s poisonous or not).

Bears are only active at dawn or dusk. (Bears can be active at any time of the day but are mostly out at dusk).

First Aid:

If you or your friend is bitten by a poisonous snake, cutting an “X” and orally sucking is advised. (Yes, this method was used by 19th century American pioneers which you see in westerns, where it would be appropriate. But like a lot of 19th century medical advice, this is idiotic and disgusting as well as medically worthless. What’s best advised is washing the wound, putting a bandage on it, and seeking medical attention immediately such as calling 911. Because sucking the venom poses a risk for both the victim and the person sucking the poison out {even if one’s careful not the swallow the envenomed blood}. And if there are sores on the mouth, the venom may likely end up in the sucker’s bloodstream. In addition, consider the pathogens present in a person’s mouth. Still, it’s better to prevent poisonous snake bites by simply not putting your hands or feet where you can’t see. Also a dead rattlesnake can still bite you long after it’s been squished on the highway since its bite reflex is still intact for several hours.  In addition, out of the 5600 who get bitten by rattlesnakes in North America, only 5 or 6 died while 30% only experienced a dry bite, meaning there may not be poison in the bite at all).

If CPR doesn’t work, then it’s perfectly fine to strike random hammer fists to the center of a victim’s heart to restart the heart. (This is called a precordial thump, and it’s not a free beating, but a precisely aimed blow delivered by an expert in an attempt to interrupt a life-threatening rhythm if there’s no defibrillator available and can only be attempted once).

To treat frostbite, rub the frozen tissue with snow or immerse it in cold water. (Immerse the tissue in warm water but only when it’s certain the tissue won’t refreeze. Otherwise, doing so will only increase risk of permanent damage just like rubbing it with snow or immersing it in cold water would. You could also use painkillers if available).

If someone is suffering from hypothermia, it’s best that you throw them in hot water. (This would actually cause their core temperature to shoot right up, inviting the colder fluid from the extremities in. Such treatment would make the person even colder or worse mess up their heart. While alcohol can create a quick rush of warmth by dilating blood vessels, the same effect can cause a faster and very dangerous drop in temperature. Also keep in mind about causing excruciating pain or a heart attack. Better to put hot water bottles in both armpits or skin to skin rewarming).

Giving alcohol to someone suffering from hypothermia always keeps them warm. (Alcohol only gives you the illusion of warmth when you’re freezing but actually drops your core temperature. Might make you feel better for a few minutes even though it’s actually killing you faster).

If someone isn’t breathing or if there’s no pulse, slapping your unconscious buddy a couple of times after getting all angry and yelling at them will make them come around. (Best to move them to a place with cell phone reception and call 911).

Treat burns with butter or oil. (Butter or oil will worsen any burn from sunburn to 3rd degree and possibly get it infected. Skin that’s recently burned/still burning is 1st or 2nd degree (like sunburns, contact with a hot object, dropped cigarette on leg, etc.), immerse it in spray or spray it with cool water to stop ongoing damage. If it’s 3rd degree, then try to keep it cool and clean, but call 911 and wait for professionals to arrive rather than using cold running water).

Always remove impaling foreign objects from wounds. (Dr. McCoy does this to Spock in the new Star Trek movie even though he should’ve known better. From TV Tropes: “Generally they’ve smashed all the bits they’re going to smash, and are now acting as a plug on the wound – and an infection can be fought off with antibiotics at the hospital. Pull the plug, and you may be dead in minutes. Barbed weapons might tear more flesh and if they don’t, you’re unlikely to be able to pull it out at the exact angle it went in.” So if you’re in a wilderness area with cell phone reception, just call 911. If not, then get to one).

Bullets should always be removed from gunshot wounds. (Hunting seasons aside, getting shot in the wilderness isn’t very likely to happen in real life. But in movies and TV, you might see this a lot, especially in war or post-apocalypse movies. A bullet can remain undetected inside someone for years and not cause any problems. The only times when a bullet should be removed is if it’s still traveling in the body, its becoming dislodged can cause fatal injury {in which case the doctors want to remove it in a controlled environment rather than it becoming dislodged on its own at random}, or if it’s serving as a source of infection or immune reaction. This despite the fact that firing a bullet heats it to the point that most possibilities of infection would be gone. In fact, getting the bullet out is usually the last thing surgeons bother to do. Also consider the fact that Andrew Jackson was shot close to his heart and lived with that bullet in his chest for decades and he was around during the 19th century).

Is someone is bleeding, always use a tourniquet to stop it, such as from clothing. (This is a very bad idea. As TV Tropes put it, “In real life the clothing will probably stick to the drying blood, causing other problems later when real help arrives. If the tourniquet is left on the limb in question for too long, this will result in the limb becoming necrotic and falling off or getting Compartment Syndrome. This one is subject to a bit of Science Marches On as the US Army, who have been using makeshift tourniquets out of cravats and windlasses {basically bandannas and sticks} for decades, have shown that advances in combat medicine allow a limb to have a tourniquet applied and blood flow completely cut off for up to 2 hours without permanent damage and up to 4 hours while still keeping the limb. This has gained modern tourniquets such as the CAT {Combat Application Tourniquet} a place in the gear of most modern combat soldiers, and indeed, is the US Military’s preferred method of treatment for significant extremity hemorrhage and/or total limb amputation. The current consensus is that when used properly tourniquets work, but should only be used under specific circumstances by professionals unless the situation is that dire. ‘Dire’ in this case meaning that the person is almost certain to die from blood loss before any professional medical aid arrives on site, typically meaning a limb being fully severed.” You’re better off using plain old bandages.)

If someone has consumed something poisonous or infectious, induce vomiting. (If they aren’t already vomiting, just call 911 or get them to a hospital. And if they are, do the same. Supportive treatment begun early often does far more good than trying to purge the substance from the body. Also, in some cases a drug, alcohol, or other overdose can cause unconsciousness and someone vomiting can breathe in their own vomit, complicating potential survival with a nasty case of pneumonia or asphyxiation. You can also call the poison control hotline which can offer expert advice and specific instructions for the particular poison ingested {if known}. However, if these guys say to induce vomiting, this is a situational precaution and shouldn’t be attempted unless it’s known for certain that it’s the right thing to do).

Always give someone a laxative to someone experiencing unknown stomach or intestinal pain. (Laxatives are meant to treat constipation and should only be administered if there’s no lower abdominal pain worse than mild discomfort that has persisted no longer than a week and when the obstruction is only known to be poop. Otherwise, just call 911 and get them to a hospital if that option is available. If not, then just use a signal to get a rescue party, pronto. If they have appendicitis, giving a laxative can lead to a ruptured appendix, horrific peritonitis infection, and possibly death. If they have an immobile object, their entire large intestine, leading to almost to certain death).

Always take dressing off of bleeding wounds and apply new ones. (This is a bad idea since it doesn’t give the blood enough time to clot and possibly removes clots already formed. The correct course is to add new bandaging over that’s already soaked through as needed, and even if you wind up with a huge wad of bandaging that’s unruly, it’s still better than disrupting the clotting process).

Open wounds should immediately be closed in all cases. (Dr. McCoy does this to Spock in the new Star Trek movie, even though he knows this isn’t the best treatment for him {though neither was removing a metal object from him either}. Then you see Leo cauterize a neck wound in The Revenant which is pretty drastic as well as certainly not a safe and sanitary option {yet, since this movie takes place in the 1820s, it can be forgiven. But you shouldn’t try it}. Though to be fair, he didn’t have many options since the wound was close to Spock’s heart and he would’ve bled to death if he hadn’t. However, according to TV Tropes: “While most wounds get cleaned and immediately shut, deep wounds, especially infected ones, often stay open. Treatment of big abscesses or infected wounds often involves opening it, cleaning it and then leaving it open for a few days {with a bandage IN the wound to keep it open and a plaster over it to keep it clean and avoid fluids sipping out}. This allows the tissue to heal from bottom up and the doctors to check on the infection and keep it clean. Instantly sewing it shut would close the hole, inviting bacteria to create a new or even worse infection which could lead to a lethal sepsis {blood poisoning}.” So if you have deep wounds, best call 911 if you can).

Wounds should never get in contact with water unless it’s a burn. (Those who’ve had surgery usually find that saunas and swimming pools are forbidden but showering is okay as long as the wound itself isn’t covered in soap {run water is fine}. In many cases, washing the wound is often encouraged such as when there’s a risk for infection. Certain abscess cases even might involve the patient holding the shower head straight at the wound and using the water pressure to thoroughly clean it).

When someone goes into shock, assume the victim is fine if there’s no blood flowing or anything stuck in them. (From TV Tropes: “Anyone trained in first aid can tell you that shock {the body failing to circulate blood properly} is actually one of the more dangerous threats posed to almost any accident victim. Many cases of shock can stem from what amounts to the body creating errors while responding to stressful stimuli, which means that even a comparatively minor wound {such as a cut on the thumb} can throw a person into shock. Symptoms can be anything from anxiety and confusion to irregular pulse and blackouts, and it’s not unheard of for a patient who at first glance does not appear to have any life-threatening injuries to die from shock simply because the body unintentionally shut itself down. One of the best ways to prevent shock is to simply interact with the patient in a reassuring and calm tone, as well as keeping them warm and ensuring proper blood flow to the head and vital organs {usually achieved by propping up the legs}.”)

If someone is not breathing or there’s no process, provide mouth on mouth and compression CPR. (The purpose of CPR is to buy time until advanced help is available by circulating blood and preventing brain damage from lack of oxygen. And you’re not supposed to give up after a minute or 2 just because they haven’t started breathing on their own, but rather continue until advanced help gets there. It’s also expected for the victim’s ribs to get broken during CPR, something that almost never happens on TV. Still, CPR rarely results in a full recovery and if the person’s heart and breathing have actually stopped to the point of needing it, chances of recovery at all is usually less than 10%. Even if the proper medical care can be brought in time to keep them from outright dying, such patients generally die within 1-2 years. Also, there’s a large chance of permanent brain damage. Not only that, but remember that CPR alone does not revive someone. And do not attempt to do CPR if someone collapses from cyanide poisoning because doing so will end up killing you).

Booze always makes a great wound disinfectant and anesthetic. (Well, rubbing alcohol is great as a disinfectant. But other than that, this advice belongs in the 19th century).

Booze is always great to have when it comes to surviving in the desert. (Sorry but booze can cause dehydration).

Hypothermia only happens in cold climates. (It can happen in wet environments as well as at higher elevations. So stay dry and warm in order to prevent your temperature from dropping to dangerous levels).

Don’t feed a victim of hypothermia. (From Outdoor Life: “Normal shock treatment and hypothermia treatment are different—you don’t, for example, want to feed someone who may be going into shock because he can vomit and choke while unconscious. However, in mild to moderate hypothermia cases, high-calorie foods can be given in small, repeated doses to create metabolic heat in the victim and help him restore his own heat-generating ability.” Unfortunately, shock treatment and hypothermia treatment are practically indistinguishable in Hollywood).

Let a hypothermia victim get some sleep. (From Outdoor Life: “After the shivering, confusion, slurred speech, and clumsiness of hypothermia have manifested, an exposure victim also gets drowsy. This is a serious warning sign because sleep can lead to death. Keep the victim awake as you warm him up.”)

Always use fire to remove an embedded tick. (Since ticks cause frustrating and debilitating illnesses like Lyme disease, there’s a lot of confusion to approach this. The medical community currently advocates taking fine tipped tweezers and gently pulling the tick out by the mouth, which helps avoid releasing as much infected fluid as possible. Grabbing the tick by the body only leads to a higher risk while smothering or applying fire should be avoided as well because these tactics cause infection. After the tick’s removed, wash hands and wound thoroughly after the tick has been removed).

If you suffered a sprained ankle, best to apply warmth immediately. (From Trails.com: “How to treat a badly sprained ankle, which for a hiker or backpacker can be a serious situation when out in the wilderness, has always been subject to myth, with a large portion of the population thinking that warmth should immediately be applied. However, the opposite is true since heat will make the swelling and pain increase and slow down the healing process. If you spend time on trails and out camping, remember the acronym RICE. This stands for Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation. The ankle should be quickly rested and iced if possible or soaked in cold water from a stream. Even snow can be used as a substitute for ice. Ice the ankle for 20 minutes to half an hour and then put a compression bandage such as an elastic wrap on it to give it support. Elevate the affected foot. Repeat this procedure up to four or five times a day until the swelling goes down.”

Water:

If you run out of water, drinking your own pee will keep you hydrated. (From The Clymb: “Your pee probably won’t kill you, but depending on your location, it might do more harm than good. If you are dehydrated in an extremely hot environment, drinking your urine will put unnecessary stress on your kid­neys, which in turn puts unnecessary stress on your body and leads to more overheating. Drink­ing urine is an acceptable short-term solution to dehydration in cooler climates, but is not the best idea in a heatstroke situation. In cases of dehydration com­bined with heat stroke, using the urine to soak a small bandana for evaporative cooling may be more effective.”)

Boiled water is always 100% safe to drink. (While boiling water can kill organisms and germs, it will not clean harmful particulates from it. For instance, no matter how long you boil chemically contaminated water, it won’t be safe to drink. Same goes with stagnant dirty water, too. And there’s a good chance the water you get will have dirt in it so it’s best to filter it out through a clean fabric or leave it to stand until the sediments sink to the water first. And then boil it preferably at 212 degrees Fahrenheit for a minute so the little microbes could die).

You can follow flying birds to find water. (From Outdoor Life: “While some aquatic birds rarely leave the water’s edge, others roam far and wide for food. It’s been said that geese fly toward water at dusk, but this isn’t always the case. They could simply be flying toward a known clearing to spend the night. Since we have no way of knowing a bird’s plans for the evening, we can’t rely on it to lead us anywhere.”)

Drink raw blood to survive and keep hydrated. (From Outdoor Life: “Sure, there’s water in blood. And some of the traditional cattle cultures of Africa still consume cattle blood with milk, but this is done for protein and minerals rather than hydration. While the consumption of animal blood has helped to keep survivors alive, the risk may not justify the gain. Drinking raw blood could mean you’re consuming pathogens.”)

You can keep hydrated by sucking from a stone. (From Outdoor Life: “This old survival trick has been practiced across the globe. The idea is that sucking on a stone causes saliva to flow. Obviously, you’re not sucking water from the stone, so there is no real gain. Most calamitously, you could even suck on the stone too hard and inhale it, which could cause you to choke.”)

Running water is safe to drink. (From Survival Cache: “Don’t count on it.  Remember it came from somewhere and the source or what it came in contact survival water with between the source and reaching your location could be suspect.  Typically if you have to choose between running water and stagnate water always default to the former but make sure you also treat and purify the water before you consume it.”)

Drinking saltwater in small amounts is safe. (Drinking saltwater in any amount will lead to further dehydration and death more quickly than if you went without water at all. However, you can use saltwater to cool your body. But drink it, never).

Water found in natural depressions is safe to drink. (It has all the risks associated with stagnate groundwater and run off. So it should be treated before drinking).

Never drink the water. (Because water is an important resource if you want to survive, it’s best you drink it. But please filter and purify it before you do so. Yet, if you don’t treat it, it’s likely you’ll be rescued before it becomes anything serious. So it’s better to offset dehydration with germ filled water than to take no water at all. Doctors can fix illnesses but they can’t fix death).

Only standing water is dangerous. (With running water, it’s best you know what the source is before you drink it. Because even that can be dangerous. But filter and purify it first).

Food:

You can survive in the wilderness by eating raw meat or fish. (Leo DiCaprio eats raw fish and buffalo does this in The Revenant. To be fair, the real Hugh Glass lived during the 1820s when most people didn’t know anything about germs so his actions could be forgiven. However, most of the time eating raw meat and fish, is generally not advised due to high risk of pathogens that could cause foodborne illness. Now there are some raw fish that are safe for consumption but they mostly come from saltwater environments and contain pathogens not compatible with the human body. Not only that, Glass eats from a buffalo that’s already been cut open so how long the animal is dead is a big concern here. Still, when it comes to meat consumption, always kill and cook it before eating it).

Always look for food first. (While starvation can certainly kill, it’s said humans can live up for 6 weeks before starving to death. That’s plenty of time for someone to figure out to missing and find you so you’ll probably be rescued before you starve. Injury, illness, poisoning, or exposure are much more likely to result in death than starvation. Besides, hunting and trapping prey are hit and miss activities, often producing nothing and simply end up expending energy and risking injury or illness. Instead, water, warmth, and protection should be top priorities as well as conserving energy and avoiding injury. Then again, people in movies and TV usually tend to be in significantly more dire circumstances than most modern day folks in their lives. So them finding food is more understandable because it’s part of a long term survival strategy. Fiction survival stories rarely ever pertain to short-term situations).

Plants are a good source of food in a survival situation. (Unless you have an edible wild plant guide with you, are a botanist, or know the Universal Edibility Test, only eat the ones you’re already familiar with. Else, you could end up like Foxface in The Hunger Games. If you need to find food, it’s safer to stick with eating mammals, freshwater fish, birds, or insects. Besides, there are a lot of deadly plants out there and those considered safe to eat don’t provide a lot of calories or nutrients anyway. As for wild mushrooms, for the love of God, don’t even think about it. So for all you vegetarians and vegans out there, if you find yourself stranded, your best solution is to eat meat or die).

You can quickly hunt and fish for food where game is plentiful. (As someone who’s been raised watching nature shows, I know for a fact that this isn’t true for a lot of predatory animals. And they go for days without getting a meal, even the babies. Even with the best fishing gear and hunting equipment, hunting and fishing still takes patience, practice, and experience. Under survival conditions when you’re not at your best, these meals may never arrive. Also, hunting might make you more prone to serious injury or get you killed. Your best bet is to set many simple deadfall traps, snares, and shallow fish containment pens to hopefully catch yourself a meal while you tend to other immediate matters like securing safe drinking water).

You could eat anything animals eat. (Despite our shared biology thanks to evolution, there’s still a massive difference between humans and other animals. Some animals might eat plants that are safe for human consumption, yet these same critters could eat plants that are dangerous to us. Birds eat a variety of berries, many of which could either nourish or kill us. Even mammals like squirrels who normally eat nuts perfectly safe for human cuisine, can munch on mushrooms and nuts that are toxic to humans. So just because an animal can eat it, doesn’t mean you can. This is especially if it’s poison ivy, which many animals do eat).

Black and blue berries are never poisonous. (Most black and blue berries aren’t poisonous but if you can’t positively identify a berry, don’t eat it. For instance, pokeberries and Virginia Creeper berries are lethal. Foxface learned the hard way when she ingested the Nightlock. And Peeta almost made the same mistake until Katniss told him that they were poisonous).

Fire:

Always stock up on matches. (Lighters are smaller, cheaper, and save more space than matches, taking long term costs to account. Besides, if you’re worried about your lighter getting wet, just get a magnesium fire starter. Seriously, you don’t want to end up with the two match situation like Rambo).

Anyone could start a fire by rubbing 2 sticks or striking 2 stones together. (Relying solely on friction to start a fire will not help you in areas with high humidity. Even under the best conditions, friction fire making is a challenge that take patience, practice, as well as luck, and is not reliable for most people. One guy who had 50 years experience in this technique, said it took him a day and a half to do this by sticks. As for stones, well, this only works with flint or quartz as well as need to create a groove in the one you’re holding still. Most experts recommend carrying at least 3 firestarters like storm-proof matches, spark rod, and lighter at all times).

Making a fire should be a top priority. (Yes, fire is important but there are few situations it would take precedence over shelter).

Build a fire in a cave for warmth. (Heat causes rock expansion. Rock expansion leads to breakage. When rocks break overhead in a cave, it’s cave-in. So lighting a cave fire is not a good idea. Rather make a fire outside the cave).

Big fires always beat shelter. (From Outdoor Life: “Large-log fires have kept people alive in the cold, but that doesn’t mean you can afford to skip building a shelter. What if it rains or becomes really windy? You never want to sleep out in the open if you can help it. Take the time to build a shelter. It will pay you back every time.”)

Use a thumbnail to test wood. (From Outdoor Life: “You may have heard that if you can dent a piece of wood with your thumbnail, the wood is suitable for starting a friction fire. This myth just won’t seem to go away, but it doesn’t hold up. Some denser woods are fine for friction fires, and are some softer woods don’t work at all. When the thumbnail test works, it isn’t an affirmation­—it’s a coincidence.”)

Nose grease is the perfect fire starter. (From Outdoor Life: “Is there enough oil on the side of your nose to lubricate the top of a bow-drill spindle? I don’t know about you, but I was never that greasy, even as a teenager. Furthermore, when you’re trying to build a friction fire, you’ll produce more sweat than grease on your face, and sweat doesn’t help.”)

Hardwood is best for friction fires. (From Outdoor Life: “Just because oak is a great firewood doesn’t mean it works for friction fire. Oak’s ignition temperature and density are not useful in friction-fire drills or boards. Instead, use soft woods that are non-resinous. Cedar, basswood, willow, and cottonwood will serve you much better than oak or other typical firewoods.”)

Wet matches work when dried. (From Outdoor Life: “Nope. The chemicals in match heads are very vulnerable to moisture. On typical safety matches, the package will have a striking surface that is made from a gritty material such as powdered glass mixed with phosphorus. The head of the match is similarly made with grit, but it also contains sulfur and an oxidizer. When you strike a match, the friction of the glass powder grinding together creates a small amount of heat. This warmth converts the phosphorus into white phosphorus, which begins to catch fire. If match heads are exposed to enough moisture, the careful chemical balance is changed and they simply won’t light. Invest in some waterproof matches if you’re heading someplace wet. Or keep your matches in a waterproof container.”)

Use an 8-sided bow drill to start a fire. (From Outdoor Life: “At some point, using an octagonal drill became popular. The conceit is that the edges help the drill grip the bow string in more places, resulting in more friction. But these sharp edges end up shredding the cord and causing it to vibrate horribly, while failing to grip the string any better than a round drill would.”)

Breaking a flashlight bulb and using the coil is a great way to start a fire. (From The Good Survivalist: “This is a method I’ve seen by which you can break the bulb of your flashlight, and then use the coil inside to light a fire. Simply put… give it a shot in your backyard and you’ll find that it’s great at destroying flashlights but terrible at actually starting fires! Recommendation… bring a lighter, and use your flashlight for… LIGHT!”)

Sitting by the fire is the best way to dry your clothes. (From Getting Out Alive: “Wet clothing literally sucks the warmth out of your body, so get out of the wet things and cover up with something dry while you dry your clothing by the fire.”)

Lakes, Rivers, and Other Bodies of Water:

Always swim parallel to the shore in a rip current. (From The Clymb: “Swimming parallel to the shore is a good way to escape a rip current that pulls straight out. Unfortunately, not all rip currents flow directly out to sea. In a longshore rip current, or a diagonal rip current, swimming parallel to the shore could tire a distressed swimmer to the point of drowning. Instead, if caught in a rip, swim perpendicular to the flow of the rip in the same direc­tion as the prevailing wind or prevailing ocean current. If at any point you feel like you are swimming upstream, you’re doing it wrong. Like all survival situations, avoiding fatigue and making calm, rational decisions increases your chance of survival.”)

If you’re lost the best thing to is to follow a river or stream to find civilization. (The best thing to do if you’re lost is to stay where you are unless necessary. From Survive All: “While a river can lead to human life, it can sometimes take weeks or more to get there, while meanwhile you are completely invading a search squad trying to find you. Survival on the go is also much harder then stationary survival; you tend to spend too much time traveling than working to survive. Stay in one spot, survive, wait for help to arrive.” Getting Out Alive adds: “Some waterways run their course for hundreds of miles without bumping into civilization, especially in the wilder parts of the world. And following a stream can sometimes be exceedingly difficult and dangerous.”)

Take off your boots before crossing a river, stream or lake so they won’t weigh you down. (From Getting Out Alive: “The greater risk is that of suffering injury to your feet while crossing a body of water. Keep boots on to protect feet, ‘cause you’ll need them to continue your trek.”)

Forest Areas:

If you’re lost in the woods, look for moss on trees as it only grows on the north side. (If you’re lost in the woods, your best bet is following signs of previous human activity {assuming that you don’t have a cell phone, GPS, or a compass on you first. Or if there’s no park or forest ranger around. Or if you don’t have any electronic equipment on you at any time}. If there are no footprints, then staying where you are and sending a signal is a sensible option as well like building a fire, using a whistle, signal fire, or beacon. You could even go to the closest place where there’s light like near a body of water. Using the sunshine as a way to find the direction is a good idea as well. As for the moss part, though it does grow better on the north side, it can grow on any side if the tree’s shaded or near water. So it’s not true. Following the myth could send you in the wrong direction or make you more lost. Field and Stream says that Aspens that exude a powdery natural sunscreen that will whiten your palms are a better indicator as well).

Desert:

If you’re dying of thirst in the desert, ingesting cactus is always the best solution. (From The Clymb: “So your car broke down in the desert. It’s miles to the nearest gas station. Your cell phone doesn’t have reception. You don’t have any water in your car. There’s no one around, and you are very, very thirsty. Now you chance upon a cactus. I’m saved, you think. I’ll just lop the top off this here prickly pear and go to town. Not so fast, partner. The liquid inside a cactus isn’t pure water and is actually a highly alkaline, noxious fluid. Chances are, if you drink from a cactus you will get very sick, and vomiting is one way to ensure you dehydrate faster. You can drink from a barrel cactus, but only one specific type, and unless you’re extremely into cacti botany, you’re better off conserving your energy or seeking out a purer water source.” It’s more recommended that walking downhill until you find wash and following it downstream until you find some areas where the water might’ve gathered. Still, don’t forget to purify it).

The first thing to do in the desert is to find water, even in the afternoon. (You’ve probably seen the guy on his knees crawling through the desert in the hot sun struggling to find water or die of thirst. However, that guy is an idiot and is likely to die within a few hours in real life. Trying to find water in the desert will just tax your body to the limits, especially during the afternoon heat. Your best strategy to survive in the desert is holing up in the shade. If you do run out of water, find a north facing boulder or canyon, sit in its shade, keep covered to prevent evaporative sweat loss, stay off hot ground by sitting on your pack or a pile of debris, and only move around during the cooler hours of the morning or evening. It also helps if there are wildlife and vegetation nearby like trees. And sometimes dry river beds may have water below the surface, so you might to check for moisture there, too. So if you need water, better search for it when the temperature drops. Besides, you’ll be rescued if you told someone where you’re going to be anyway).

Always ration your water in the desert. (From The Clymb: “Rationing your water or food is great and all, but if you are on the verge of death today, having water three days from now isn’t going to provide much help. People can survive for over two days without water in one hundred degree heat. The most important survival technique in this instance is to remember to avoid unnecessary exertion. Finding shade, drinking until you are reasonably hydrated (clearish urine), and reserving physical exer­tion for night hours are the most effective ways of staving off dehydration and heat stroke. Rationing water while running around in the heat is often more dangerous than laying low and hydrating as much as possible.” So while you certainly should ration water in the desert, you should try to conserve water you already have inside your body by laying low in the shade instead of venturing out in the hot sun during the afternoon. But if you’re on the verge of heat exhaustion or dying of thirst, drink up now in the shade because your body doesn’t care if you get thirsty later. Rationing water and pushing on in the hot sun will only help to cause heat stroke, which as killed people before running out of water has).

Use a solar still to get drinking water in the desert. (Building a solar still consists of digging a hole in the ground, placing a container in the middle, covering the hole with clear plastic, and weighing the plastic down in the middle so the so the condensation drips into the container. Yes, this is a good idea, assuming that the location in question has a higher humidity content as well as groundwater. You will not find either in the desert. You’ll sweat more than you get if you build one of these things there).

Cold Times and Climates:

It’s easy to survive from hypothermia after being carried down a freezing river, sometimes after being submerged. (Sorry, but while Hugh Glass did survive a bear mauling {which happened in May 1823, not in the winter}, he would most surely die from hypothermia after being carried off in that freezing stream).

If it’s very cold, move to higher ground. (Yes, warm air rises while cold air sets is consistent with thermodynamics. Creek bottoms and hollows are cold air sinks. However, unless you’re in either, moving to higher ground when it’s cold goes against what anyone would learn in basic geology. Higher elevation areas generally tend to be colder if you account for the wind chill factor. Hell, you don’t even need to know about the wind chill factor to figure this out. A picture depicting a snow capped mountain in spring should make it obvious to anybody. Besides, heat from fire will be carried away faster the higher you are. So if it’s cold, best to stay low unless there’s a flood).

If it’s available, consume snow and ice for hydration. (Yes, snow and ice is made from water. But doing so will lower your body temperature which can lead to hypothermia and waste energy. Best you melt it and let it cool to a moderate temperature before drinking it).

All base layers work equally well in cold weather. (From Outdoor Life: “Not true. Cotton kills—or, at least, could lead to hypothermia if you rely on it as your primary base layer in cold weather. It’s a great fabric to wear around the house, and it has great applications in hot, dry climates. But once cotton gets wet, it loses its insulating properties. Before you even break a sweat, normal skin moisture will soak into the cotton fibers and start to cool your body through conduction. These fibers can hold up to 27 times their weight in water and then store that moisture up to eight times longer than synthetics or wool. This doesn’t just leave you feeling clammy—it steals vital heat from your core. If it’s cold enough for long johns, then it’s too cold for cotton.”)

Always try to dig yourself out of an avalanche. (Unless you’re only partially buried from the waist down, you will not be able to do so. Because being overtaken by a tumbling slab of snow is like being entombed in concrete, you can’t freaking move. Struggling to get free will only expedite the threat of asphyxiation. But if the snow is still moving, swim out of it facing downhill and try to create an air pocket by placing your hands and arms in front of your face while you work to get out. Still, you should always travel into avalanche country with a partner as well as have search beacons, probes, and shovels handy. The group involved should never be on the same avalanche prone slope at the same time because if everyone gets caught, there will be no one left to attempt a rescue. Also, take an avalanche safety course before going there so you can learn how to avoid triggering slides as well as what to do if you or your friends are caught in one).

Urban Disaster Scenarios:

In the event of a major disaster or war, flee the city and live off the land. (This might not be the best answer or even possible {for instance, had Adrien Brody’s character tried to do this in The Pianist instead of going into hiding, he would’ve been shot, blown up, or carted off to a Nazi death camp}. Sure surviving in the wilderness may be possible but most people have no idea how difficult it would be. This would mean having to hunt from sunup to sundown, sometimes into the night to find enough food so you’d have the energy to do it the next day. Only a good size group of experienced farmers and hunters would make it while most humans would slowly starve to death. If you have to leave, do it during an evacuation).

Urban survival is the same as wilderness survival. (Urban survival focuses more on safety and surveillance than hunting and camping. Special items in the former pack include pry bars and destruction tools, serpentine belt and fix-a-flat, bolt cutters, city maps, knee pads and gloves, dust or gas masks, crank or solar radio, monoculars, lock-picking kit, and assortment of weapons and self-defense tools).

If people remain in the city when the shit hits the fan, they will die either through starvation or killing each other. (Yes, people in the city are in more danger from war and terrorism. But it’s better if people band together to defend their area until order is restored. Whereas people in the country would be more in danger from criminals, looking for easy, isolated targets. They’ll also be the last to get supplies when trucks start moving again. Besides, many cities in Europe, China, Russia, and Japan had the living shit bombed out of them during WWII while their inhabitants still stayed despite the hell they’ve been through).

After the shit hits the fan in a city, it’s every man for himself. (While the media does tend to focus on looters and rioters after a disaster like Hurricane Katrina, it has more to do with ratings than anything. Hollywood also tends to portray survivalists as lone nuts who live in the country and shoot anyone who approaches their homestead. In reality, criminals only represent a very small portion of the population. Besides, most people tend to rely one another as well as work together to survive. WWII is a good example of this, particularly if you’re talking about the 1940 British Blitz).

It doesn’t hurt to brag about your preparations. (From Survival Expertise: “Sometimes this is hard to resist. You spend a lot of time thinking about prepping, saving up, looking for good deals, gathering supplies, etc., and it’s hard not to be proud of your efforts. And what do we do when we’re proud of something? We tell people about it. But in this case, you must only tell people you trust completely. Otherwise, someone somewhere is liable to say, ‘Hey, remember such-and-such from work who has food and supplies stockpiled? Let’s find out where he/she lives.’ Hunger can turn people into animals. If they are desperate enough, they will do anything to get your food.”)

Tap water is always safe after a natural disaster or war. (Tap water can become unsafe after natural disasters or in a combat zone when pipes are damaged and contaminants leak into them. So it’s better to purify it).

Always shoot looters on sight. (You see this a lot in movies. From Survival Expertise: “We’ve all seen thoselooters will be shot signs, but there are three reasons why this is a bad idea: 1) It advertises the fact that you have guns. If they see this, they may try to sneak in and ambush you. 2) If you shoot at them, they might shoot back. A few supplies aren’t worth your life. 3) After law and order is restored, you could be charged with murder. In fact, lawyers could use your sign to claim premeditation. Now to be clear, I’m not saying you shouldn’t defend yourself with guns. I’m saying you should wait until someone is actually attacking you. Shooting looters on sight is not self defense.”)

The Camping World of Tents and Campers

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Of course, when it comes to staying in the great outdoors, camping has been a long tradition whether it be at your national parks, state parks, or at some privately owned resort. And chances are, if you’re not sleeping under the stars, campers are probably going to stay in some sort of shelter like a tent or camper. If you live in southwest Pennsylvania, then I highly suggest you take some sort of shelter with you because you never know when it might rain. Honestly, it rains a lot in the summer in these parts. Hell, it rains all year round. Nevertheless, when you look at some outdoor area, you’re bound to find tents and campers of all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, setting up any of them is not nearly as easy as erecting a tent up in Harry Potter. And not nearly as luxurious either (seriously, the Weasley tent looks like something straight out of Lawrence of Arabia, with plenty of room as well as carpets and furniture). Mostly because we muggles don’t have access to magic. But that doesn’t stop me from seriously wanting one. Still, that doesn’t stop me from finding all kinds of unusual tents and campers on Pinterest that I decided to do a post separate from the outdoor gear. So for your reading pleasure, enjoy.

1, This wooden camper comes all set with all the amenities.

It's also very compact since it comes with an air conditioner and a roof. And to think it seemed rather small.

It’s also very compact since it comes with an air conditioner and a roof. And to think it seemed rather small.

2. With this tent, you can almost be among the trees.

Because it's shaped like an evergreen tree. However, this doesn't mean it will blend in with the forest. Because it won't.

Because it’s shaped like an evergreen tree. However, this doesn’t mean it will blend in with the forest. Because it won’t.

3. This tent can be set on top of your car and in high places.

I didn't know they had tents like that in the 1950s. Guess this couple really wanted to save space at their campsite. Or maybe they just wanted the view.

I didn’t know they had tents like that in the 1950s. Guess this couple really wanted to save space at their campsite. Or maybe they just wanted the view.

4. Who knew that you could camp out in a bubble?

Nevertheless, I wouldn't recommend you to undress in it due to its transparency. Still, it looks pretty cool.

Nevertheless, I wouldn’t recommend you to undress in it due to its transparency. Still, it looks pretty cool.

5. Perhaps setting a tent up from a tree would be easier.

Maybe but it doesn't seem to have a lot of room. Then again, it may not take much time to set up.

Maybe but it doesn’t seem to have a lot of room. Then again, it may not take much time to set up.

6. Those looking for a more rustic homey camping place might want to go with this camper.

You have to admire the front window and door on this thing. Very welcoming if you get my drift.

You have to admire the front window and door on this thing. Very welcoming if you get my drift.

7. With this camper, you might want to go with an open dining option.

Then again, it tends to resemble an open bar. But you get the idea.

Then again, it tends to resemble an open outdoor bar. But you get the idea.

8. For privacy in the wilderness, these camping stalls will suit you just fine.

Yes, these tents exist. But you can use one for going to the bathroom and one for taking a shower in. If you have the right equipment.

Yes, these tents exist. But you can use one for going to the bathroom and one for taking a shower in. If you have the right equipment.

9. Could you imagine camping in a shell or cocoon? Now you can.

Wonder how you set up a tent like this. Seems like it would be rather easy to bungle up.

Wonder how you set up a tent like this. Seems like it would be rather easy to bungle up. Comes solar powered, too.

10. There’s nothing like the camping experience in the great outdoors like sleeping in a tent camper shopping cart.

Now that just can't be comfortable. Seriously, you have to wonder if this guy sleeps being curled into a ball in there. Still, it's funny.

Now that just can’t be comfortable. Seriously, you have to wonder if this guy sleeps being curled into a ball in there. Still, it’s funny.

11. Ever thought about camping in a box?

Well, these two seem to in a box tent. Theirs even has a door, window, and table.

Well, these two seem to in a box tent. Theirs even has a door, window, and table.

12. Yes, I know this camper seems a bit lopsided.

However, I don't think it's been in a wreck because it seems designed that way. So perhaps we shouldn't judge on appearances.

However, I don’t think it’s been in a wreck because it seems designed that way. So perhaps we shouldn’t judge on appearances.

13. Now that must be an unusual hollow log.

Oh, wait, it's a log tent. Yeah, I kind of thought something didn't seem quite off. Still, it doesn't stand out much in brown.

Oh, wait, it’s a log tent. Yeah, I kind of thought something didn’t seem quite off. Still, it doesn’t stand out much in brown.

14. With a tent like this, you can literally sleep in a tree.

Yes, this resembles an abnormally large windowed punching bag. But I assure you, it's a tent.

Yes, this resembles an abnormally large windowed punching bag. But I assure you, it’s a tent.

15. With a mini nautic sleeper, you can now camp out on the water.

However, make sure you keep it well anchored so it won't float away. And make sure you don't decide to camp in some marina in Florida during hurricane season.

However, make sure you keep it well anchored so it won’t float away. And make sure you don’t decide to camp in some marina in Florida during hurricane season.

16. This RV comes solar powered.

So if you have to camp in the desert, this will help you get through it. Which begs the question, why would you want to camp in the desert?

So if you have to camp in the desert, this will help you get through it. Which begs the question, why would you want to camp in the desert?

17. This tent comes in handy for providing shelter for your bike.

Yes, this is an ideal biker tent indeed since it provides a place to store a motorcycle. Still, seems to make motorcycle gangs seem less badass for some reason.

Yes, this is an ideal biker tent indeed since it provides a place to store a motorcycle. Still, seems to make motorcycle gangs seem less badass for some reason.

18. This tent apparently hangs from a tree.

Yet, unlike the last tent I just showed you, it at least has a flatter surface. Wonder how long it takes to set up.

Yet, unlike the last tent I just showed you, it at least has a flatter surface. Wonder how long it takes to set up.

19. Who knew that you can camp under a dome?

Yes, these are dome tents. And yes, I have no idea how they're set up. But they do look quite cool.

Yes, these are dome tents. And yes, I have no idea how they’re set up. But they do look quite cool.

20. Kayak by day, tent by night.

I know people are scratching their heads thinking how could this tent exist. But it does and it must be expensive as hell.

I know people are scratching their heads thinking how could this tent exist. But it does and it must be expensive as hell.

21. With a tent like this, you’ll have your campsite set up in no time.

This is a pop up tent and the pictures show you how to set one up. Seems easy until you have to peg it down.

This is a pop up tent and the pictures show you how to set one up. Seems easy until you have to peg it down.

22. Ever imagined you can sleep in a tent camper like the Sydney Opera House? Now you can.

Okay, it doesn't really look like the Sydney Opera House. But it does have all the cozy fixtures you can't resist.

Okay, it doesn’t really look like the Sydney Opera House. But it does have all the cozy fixtures you can’t resist.

23. With a camping doughnut, experience a whole new kind of cozy spaces.

Now that's a very large tent. Not sure if that would be comfortable to stay in. But you get the idea.

Now that’s a very large tent. Not sure if that would be comfortable to stay in. But you get the idea.

24. Cinchi presents the ultimate pop up tent.

Comes with a solar power pack and LED lighting. Fits 2-4 people.

Comes with a solar power pack and LED lighting. Fits 2-4 people.

25. For self-contained shelter in the great outdoors, this canopy cot tent has got you covered.

Just make sure you put the cot outside before you set it up. Wonder if it's comfy though.

Just make sure you put the cot outside before you set it up. Wonder if it’s comfy though.

26. This bubble tent seems quite cozy when inflated.

Yes, this is another bubble tent. But at least this one has a place where you can change your clothes.

Yes, this is another bubble tent. But at least this one has a place where you can change your clothes. Unlike the last one.

27. At night, you can be sure to find this tent if you need to pee.

Because this one apparently glows in the dark or lights from the inside. Either way, seems stunning.

Because this one apparently glows in the dark or lights from the inside. Either way, seems stunning.

28. With large tents, you can’t go wrong with the teepee maze.

I know it seems like a tunnel. But you have to wonder what it looks from the inside.

I know it seems like a tunnel. But you have to wonder what it looks from the inside.

29. With this tent, you don’t have to worry about finding a secluded bathing spot again.

This is a portable camp shower as you can see. So if you want a place for your portable shower, it's got you covered.

This is a portable camp shower as you can see. So if you want a place for your portable shower, it’s got you covered.

30. Instead of camping in a hippie van, how about a hippie van tent?

Yet, it kind of looks ridiculous. But I have to admit that it's quite clever even if the designer might've been on something.

Yet, it kind of looks ridiculous. But I have to admit that it’s quite clever even if the designer might’ve been on something.

31. This hammock tent will provide you with the quality self-contained space you need.

I might've shown you something like this in my outdoor post. But I think it deserves a recap for this one. For obvious reasons.

I might’ve shown you something like this in my outdoor post. But I think it deserves a recap for this one. For obvious reasons.

32. You can wear this tent/sleeping bag/jacket as long as you please.

I know this is a rather ridiculous tent. But in the wilderness looking like an idiot is kind of the least of your worries.

I know this is a rather ridiculous tent. But in the wilderness looking like an idiot is kind of the least of your worries.

33. How about camp in some log cabin this year?

Oh, wait, that's a log cabin tent. But somehow, you can almost mistake it for the real thing.

Oh, wait, that’s a log cabin tent. But somehow, you can almost mistake it for the real thing.

34. This tent comes with so much room to spare.

This is a 10 room tent as you can see inside. So it's perfect for scouting trips to a degree.

This is a 10 room tent as you can see inside. So it’s perfect for scouting trips to a degree. Or MASH.

35. A pyramid teepee should set your campsite right.

Well, it's structured like a teepee by shaped like a pyramid. What more can I say? Also includes windows.

Well, it’s structured like a teepee by shaped like a pyramid. What more can I say? Also includes windows.

36. For beach bound surfers, this tent is just for you.

From Gadget Him: "Pack a surf and camp into one with this delectably compact and innovative surf tent design. The inner sleeping pod is an inflatable design that makes the tent non-bulky and easy-carry. Give your impulsiveness a free reign with this surf tent!"

From Gadget Him: “Pack a surf and camp into one with this delectably compact and innovative surf tent design. The inner sleeping pod is an inflatable design that makes the tent non-bulky and easy-carry. Give your impulsiveness a free reign with this surf tent!”

37. Nothing looks better than a tent on top of a jeep.

Sure it might be a home covered in canvas. But if I was on an African expedition, I want a tent like this.

Sure it might be a home covered in canvas. But if I was on an African expedition, I want a tent like this.

38. How about a nip at the Irish pub?

Yes, this is an inflatable Irish pub tent. May not give you authentic Irish cuisine. But it sure has the look nailed flat.

Yes, this is an inflatable Irish pub tent. May not give you authentic Irish cuisine. But it sure has the look nailed flat.

39. This tent is sure to have you fully booked.

Since it's shaped like a Natural World book. Get it? Cool though.

Since it’s shaped like a Natural World book. Get it? Cool though.

40. This tent is guaranteed to give you a taste of home.

Yes, it's a tent shaped like a house. I'm sure you can't see much through the windows. And I'm positive it won't withstand the Big Bad Wolf. Or will it?

Yes, it’s a tent shaped like a house. I’m sure you can’t see much through the windows. And I’m positive it won’t withstand the Big Bad Wolf. Or will it?

41. With this tent, you can just put it up a tree and watch it unfold.

Unlike the other tree tent I showed you, you don't set it down with ropes. Also called the Trepee.

Unlike the other tree tent I showed you, you don’t set it down with ropes. Also called the Trepee.

42. This decagon tent spreads in all directions.

Of course, it takes up a lot of space and is perhaps a pain in the ass to pitch. But it looks pretty cool.

Of course, it takes up a lot of space and is perhaps a pain in the ass to pitch. But it looks pretty cool.

43. Now this is the tent well suited for camping in the asphalt jungle.

Guess this was created for protestors of Occupied Wall Street. Then again, it definitely looks like a car.

Guess this was created for protestors of Occupied Wall Street. Then again, it definitely looks like a car.

44. Those who like the London Metro might enjoy camping in this tent.

Who knew they'd make a tent out of a subway? Guess they'll probably have one of the Hogwarts Express sometime soon.

Who knew they’d make a tent out of a subway? Guess they’ll probably have one of the Hogwarts Express sometime soon.

45. The Temper Fly Solar-Powered Tent can generate its own solar energy.

This tent is said to be tested by the US Army and could power so many gadgets. So it's kind of easy to see why.

This tent is said to be tested by the US Army and could power so many gadgets. So it’s kind of easy to see why.

46. RV or 2 cars stacked on each other?

Actually it's an RV. But yeah, it's bound to attract rather confused onlookers.

Actually it’s an RV. But yeah, it’s bound to attract rather confused onlookers.

47. Didn’t know that a camper can come with an open patio.

Guess this is a vintage design. Still, wouldn't mind having something like it.

Guess this is a vintage design. Still, wouldn’t mind having something like it. Talk about dining on the roof of your car.

48. This bike tent is well suited for cyclists on the go.

It's quite small but it can be pitched on the bike in no time. Not sure if I'd like that.

It’s quite small but it can be pitched on the bike in no time. Not sure if I’d like that.

49. For some people, the camper is their castle.

No, I don't know if the Victorians had campers like that. But if they did, it would pretty much look like it.

No, I don’t know if the Victorians had campers like that. But if they did, it would pretty much look like it.

50. Why stop at a log cabin when you can take it with you?

Well, that's one way of making the most of it. Wonder if the chimney actually works.

Well, that’s one way of making the most of it. Wonder if the chimney actually works.

51. Here’s a nice place to camp in the tree tops.

Sure it might be a hammock tent with a ladder. But I guess the view was worth it.

Sure it might be a hammock tent with a ladder. But I guess the view was worth it.

52. Guess this tent has a circular disposition.

Yeah, I know it's of a sphere and it's hung from trees. But it's a tent so it goes on the post.

Yeah, I know it’s of a sphere and it’s hung from trees. But it’s a tent so it goes on the post.

53. Ever wish your camper could be your home away from home?

Looks like this person took the concept to a whole another level. It even has a porch and steps.

Looks like this person took the concept to a whole another level. It even has a porch and steps.

54. Take a look at this old timey RV.

This was one of the first RV's out there. Made in 1926. I know it looks ridiculous. But I didn't design the thing.

This was one of the first RV’s out there. Made in 1926. I know it looks ridiculous. But I didn’t design the thing.

55. This RV is said to have a real mean caboose.

And it certainly resembles a caboose all right. Yeah, someone must really like to tinker.

And it certainly resembles a caboose all right. Yeah, someone must really like to tinker.

56. This tent could be easily pitched any time on the open road.

Yes, this tent can be pulled by a truck or car. I know it's weird. But that's why it's on this post.

Yes, this tent can be pulled by a truck or car. I know it’s weird. But that’s why it’s on this post.

57. Nothing beats camping on the roof of your car.

And here someone managed to pitch a rooftop tent. Yes, these things exist.

And here someone managed to pitch a rooftop tent. Yes, these things exist.

58. When it comes to camping, there’s only one camper to rule them all.

Yes, some one decorated a camper to look like Bag End from the Shire. I know it's perhaps one of the geekiest things one can ever do.

Yes, some one decorated a camper to look like Bag End from the Shire. I know it’s perhaps one of the geekiest things one can ever do.

59. Perhaps this shows what it’s like to camp during the Atomic Age.

Actually that might supposed to resemble a nuke. But it kind of reminds me of a fish.

Actually that might supposed to resemble a nuke. But it kind of reminds me of a fish. Charming.

60. This RV is the ultimate tiki machine.

Might be well suited for beach trips or Hawaii. But everywhere else? Not so much.

Might be well suited for beach trips or Hawaii. But everywhere else? Not so much.

61. An SUV is always a great place to pitch a tent.

Yes, this is another car roof tent. But it's smaller and is shaped more like a box.

Yes, this is another car roof tent. But it’s smaller and is shaped more like a box.

62. Sometimes it helps to blend with local surroundings.

Sure it looks great in the desert. But it will sure stand out like a sore thumb everywhere else.

Sure it looks great in the desert. But it will sure stand out like a sore thumb everywhere else.

63. This camper comes equipped with a few homey touches.

I know they probably went with some shingles and siding. But it sure looks amazing.

I know they probably went with some shingles and siding. But it sure looks amazing.

64. How about hop along on a magic camping trip?

Yes, this is one of those hippie colored campers. I know it looks quite tacky. But you have to admire the artwork.

Yes, this is one of those hippie colored campers. I know it looks quite tacky. But you have to admire the artwork.

65. Guess this tent is in a rather geometric position.

And I can't help but wonder whether they're finished pitching it. Or how big it is by stories.

And I can’t help but wonder whether they’re finished pitching it. Or how big it is by stories.

66. Fans of Titanic will surely adore this quality tent.

Actually it's very much in poor taste, especially with the iceberg hole. But I kind of had to include it.

Actually it’s very much in poor taste, especially with the iceberg hole. But I kind of had to include it.

67. This poncho tent makes an easy pitch.

Well, at least it saves backpack space. Other than that, I'm not sure if I want to wear one.

Well, at least it saves backpack space. Other than that, I’m not sure if I want to wear one.

68. This is a tent that’s bound to blend in with the landscape.

Sorry, but the sheep on the tent isn't real. Yet, I wasn't lying on the "blending in" part.

Sorry, but the sheep on the tent isn’t real. Yet, I wasn’t lying on the “blending in” part.

69. Seems like the trees have stretched these tents to their limits.

Then again, these tree tents were designed that way. Not sure if they're allowed at some campgrounds.

Then again, these tree tents were designed that way. Not sure if they’re allowed at some campgrounds.

70. You might have to climb a tree to reach this tent.

I know these tents could get quite outlandish. But at least this one gives you a great view.

I know these tents could get quite outlandish. But at least this one gives you a great view.

71. Seems like this tent is ready to take to the skies.

This is supposed to resemble a seaplane. But I doubt it could fly without any engine.

This is supposed to resemble a seaplane. But I doubt it could fly without any engine. Nor would you want it to.

72. This domed tent provides ideal camping shelter.

Not sure how you set one of these things up. But they seem rather comfortable.

Not sure how you set one of these things up. But they seem rather comfortable.

73. Presenting the new Cabela’s mansion tent.

Seems to resemble something you'd see off of MASH to me. No disrespect, but I almost imagine Hawkeye and his friends operating in their right this minute.

Seems to resemble something you’d see off of MASH to me. No disrespect, but I almost imagine Hawkeye and his friends operating in their right this minute.

74. Now this tent is said to be a real palace.

Yes, it may resemble a castle. But I bet it nowhere near resembles what the Weasleys' tent did on the inside.

Yes, it may resemble a castle. But I bet it nowhere near resembles what the Weasleys’ tent did on the inside.

75. For moving around, this teepee tent is just the ticket.

Of course, it's made from canvas instead of buffalo skins. But at least it does its job.

Of course, it’s made from canvas instead of buffalo skins. But at least it does its job.

76. Who knew a trampoline tent would make a great tent floor?

Well, a trampoline has a firm surface which beats dirt. However, might cause some bouncing during the night.

Well, a trampoline has a firm surface which beats dirt. However, might cause some bouncing during the night.

77. Guess these two really seemed to let themselves go.

Actually, it's just their tent. But yeah, this is pretty kitschy for the beach.

Actually, it’s just their tent. But yeah, this is pretty kitschy for the beach.

78. This camper surely lets in the sunlight.

I think this one came from the 1960s. And I'm sure it folds out at the destination.

I think this one came from the 1960s. And I’m sure it folds out at the destination.

79. Perhaps a wooden cabin fits best on the back of a truck.

Guess this RV was inspired by the Grapes of Wrath. Oh, wait that family didn't have an RV. What am I thinking?

Guess this RV was inspired by the Grapes of Wrath. Oh, wait that family didn’t have an RV. What am I thinking?

80. If you want to camp out on the water, a floating teepee will serve you well.

Even though Plains Indians didn't camp on the water or had rafts. Because the water ways weren't always navigable.

Even though Plains Indians didn’t camp on the water or had rafts. Because the water ways weren’t always navigable.

81. For camping on the bike trail, this tent trailer can’t be beat.

Sure it's quite small. But so is the thing that's pulling it. Let that sink in.

Sure it’s quite small. But so is the thing that’s pulling it. Let that sink in.

82. You’re sure to have plenty of room in this forest yurt.

Yurts are homes on the Mongolian steppe. Still, I'm sure the doors aren't real.

Yurts are homes on the Mongolian steppe. Still, I’m sure the doors aren’t real.

83. This rooftop tent comes with its own shade.

Well, it keeps the ladder concealed from view. However, the window is totally fake.

Well, it keeps the ladder concealed from view. However, the window is totally fake.

84. When you need a break, this tent might put you at ease.

This is a tent that turns into a hammock whenever need be. It just needs to be flipped over from time to time.

This is a tent that turns into a hammock whenever need be. It just needs to be flipped over from time to time.

85. With a tent like this, you can fall asleep while watching the stars.

Unless it's rainy. Because rain doesn't fall on clear nights, usually.

Unless it’s rainy. Because rain doesn’t fall on clear nights, usually.

86. Sometimes two stacked tents are better than one.

That seems like an interesting canvas watchtower. And unlike some of the rooftop tents on here, it's not attached to a car.

That seems like an interesting canvas watchtower. And unlike some of the rooftop tents on here, it’s not attached to a car.

87. A tent like this has to be out of this world.

Yes, this is a tent of a space module. No, I don't know if it goes with a space shuttle one but I'll try to find out.

Yes, this is a tent of a space module. No, I don’t know if it goes with a space shuttle one but I’ll try to find out.

88. How about camping out in a honeycomb?

Another crazy tent that I'd probably won't see at a campground. Guess this one has 3 stories at least.

Another crazy tent that I’d probably won’t see at a campground. Guess this one has 3 stories at least.

89. Are you sure you want to take your house with you?

Yes, this is a camper shaped like a house. Not sure about the architectural style here.

Yes, this is a camper shaped like a house. Not sure about the architectural style here.

90. Camper or mobile garden shed?

It's a camper that's supposed to resemble a gypsy caravan. Still, not a fan of the color.

It’s a camper that’s supposed to resemble a gypsy caravan. Still, not a fan of the color.

91. This camper comes with all the works.

Well, this seems to come with a desk and shelf for starters. And the shelf seems to store two bottles of wine.

Well, this seems to come with a desk and shelf for starters. And the shelf seems to store two bottles of wine.

92. There’s nothing like a camper with an aluminum roof.

Well, this seems to be a DIY by the looks of it. Like the windows. And it seems to match the truck colors, too.

Well, this seems to be a DIY by the looks of it. Like the windows. And it seems to match the truck colors, too.

93. Guess this one went with the BLT option.

Okay, it's a camper painted as a cheeseburger which is pretty tacky. But I'm sure my viewers would get a kick out of this.

Okay, it’s a camper painted as a cheeseburger which is pretty tacky. But I’m sure my viewers would get a kick out of this.

94. Guess the tent camper goes on top to save luggage room.

Well, the tent camper looks pretty normal sans the wheels. But this seems to be pretty crazy to put it on the roof of a truck.

Well, the tent camper looks pretty normal sans the wheels. But this seems to be pretty crazy to put it on the roof of a truck.

95. Apparently, you might want to make room for this RV.

Let's just say if you want to see Darth Vader camping, you'd could bet any money he'd be sleeping in this. Doesn't help that the front reminds me of an Imperial Storrmtrooper's squashed face.

Let’s just say if you want to see Darth Vader camping, you’d could bet any money he’d be sleeping in this. Doesn’t help that the front reminds me of an Imperial Storrmtrooper’s squashed face.

96. Well, this hot camper was made on fire.

I'm sure this person is a hot rod fan. Not sure if the flames make it look cool though.

I’m sure this person is a hot rod fan. Not sure if the flames make it look cool though.

97. How about a camper in the lap of luxury?

I know it seems like a resort lodge. But it's one of those campers that just happens to have a swimming pool. Like the woodwork though.

I know it seems like a resort lodge. But it’s one of those campers that just happens to have a swimming pool. Like the woodwork though.

98. Can’t decide whether this design is industrial or futuristic.

Or if it's a cross between a trailer truck and a prison. But I think it's pretty lucky. And I think the lights sticking up really don't help.

Or if it’s a cross between a trailer truck and a prison. But I think it’s pretty lucky. And I think the lights sticking up really don’t help.

99. Well, at least they don’t have to worry about fire emergencies.

Okay, maybe they do. But it's funny how this camper is attached to a fire truck. And not a red one.

Okay, maybe they do. But it’s funny how this camper is attached to a fire truck. And not a red one.

100. If you want more room, you could pitch the tent section.

It's called an ECOcombo off grid camper. Said to be solar powered and comes with its own boat.

It’s called an ECOcombo off grid camper. Said to be solar powered and comes with its own boat.

The Great Wide World of Outdoor Gear

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Summer is a time when many of us spend considerable time in the great outdoors. Whether it means going camping, hiking, gardening, mowing the lawn, and what not, chances are that you’ll be engaged in at least one outdoor activity which means you’ll probably need some degree of such equipment well suited for whatever you endeavor. Above is a rough guide of what to put in your backpack when out hiking and camping in the great outdoors without any bathroom in sight. However, while I could list all the great outdoor equipment out there, I know you’d be bored to tears. Instead, I’ll list some of the wackier stuff you might find whether it’s for hikers, gardeners, or landscapers. They may be stuff you might be scratching your head about or things you never thought you needed. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you some crazy outdoor gear.

  1. A tool step will surely help you with pressing your shovel.
This hard plastic contraption is supposed to make digging a lot more easier. Until the plastic gets old and breaks, that is.

This hard plastic contraption is supposed to make digging a lot more easier. Until the plastic gets old and breaks, that is.

2. Pesky weeds? Get a weeder.

Yes, it looks like a brightly colored torture device. But it's not. Still, I have never really saw something like this in my life.

Yes, it looks like a brightly colored torture device. But it’s not. Still, I have never really saw something like this in my life.

3. For camping trips, perhaps try a rustic kitchen sink.

Someone must've made this from pallets and a kitchen sink. However, running water not included.

Someone must’ve made this from pallets and a kitchen sink. However, running water not included.

4. For camp cooking, try out a pine cone stove.

It's a pine cone stove because it burns pine cones. However, good luck finding use for this in Pennsylvania where there aren't as many conifers lurking around.

It’s a pine cone stove because it burns pine cones. However, good luck finding use for this in Pennsylvania where there aren’t as many conifers lurking around.

5. Introducing a new, state of the art, push mower.

You mean they still make these things? And with wheels you might see on a cabinet? Not sure what to think of that.

You mean they still make these things? And with wheels you might see on a cabinet? Not sure what to think of that.

6. This camp kitchen comes with a toaster oven and coffee machine.

So you don't have to worry about making coffee or bagels in the woods. Also very state of the art.

So you don’t have to worry about making coffee or bagels in the woods. Also very state of the art.

7. Introducing a new way to make smores on the grill.

On one hand, it looks quite convenient. But on the other hand, it doesn't seem quite right. Also, are heating the chocolate and graham crackers really necessary?

On one hand, it looks quite convenient. But on the other hand, it doesn’t seem quite right. Also, are heating the chocolate and graham crackers really necessary?

8. If you want a convenient camping shelf, look no further.

Another DIY camping thing. Like how this has a place for music, paper towels, and condiments as well as a trash can.

Another DIY camping thing. Like how this has a place for music, paper towels, and condiments as well as a trash can.

9. In case your campsite might be disturbed during the night, this knife flashlight will come in handy.

It's a knife with a flashlight. For when you need to use a knife at night. Other than for camp fires. I wouldn't be sure why this would exist.

It’s a knife with a flashlight. For when you need to use a knife at night. Other than for camp fires. I wouldn’t be sure why this would exist.

10. At a campsite why pack silverware when you can have Swiss Army cutlery?

On one hand, it seems rather convenient and saves space. But on the other hand, how do you wash it?

On one hand, it seems rather convenient and saves space. But on the other hand, how do you wash it?

11. How about a cooler in mahogany?

Yes, it's a cooler that takes the appearance of a mahogany trunk. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

Yes, it’s a cooler that takes the appearance of a mahogany trunk. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

12. For picking up pecans and nuts, this is just the thing.

Also great if you need something to use for bingo night. Know this requires about 75 ping pong balls.

Also great if you need something to use for bingo night. Know this requires about 75 ping pong balls.

13. For your camping needs, these red containers are just what you need.

These can be made into different things like containers, a shower, a bed, and a table. So your camping needs can be all accounted for.

These can be made into different things like containers, a shower, a bed, and a table. So your camping needs can be all accounted for.

14. Instead of a tool box, you might want to consider a hammer, ax, pliers, and Swiss Army knife all in one.

Then again, such devices can only do so much. But it's still interesting to look at.

Then again, such devices can only do so much. But it’s still interesting to look at.

15. Next time you have to shit in the woods, do it in this.

Sure it may not flush but at least it's not a port a potty. However, shitting in the woods in this doesn't give you much privacy.

Sure it may not flush but at least it’s not a port a potty. However, shitting in the woods in this doesn’t give you much privacy.

16. Why use a towel when you can use a big body wipe to dry yourself off?

Yes, it's like you're using a paper towel or baby wipe on your whole body. I'm sure this isn't environmentally sustainable.

Yes, it’s like you’re using a paper towel or baby wipe on your whole body. I’m sure this isn’t environmentally sustainable.

17. To keep your devices running as well as some extra lights, this Biolite Nanogrid got you covered.

Uh, isn't a camping trip supposed to be a time when you're supposed to put away electronic devices. That's how I understand it.

Uh, isn’t a camping trip supposed to be a time when you’re supposed to put away electronic devices. That’s how I grew up with understanding it.

18. Also from Biolite is a wood burning camp stove and generator.

Of course, such stove does exist. It's called a campfire. So unless you plan on hiking in a snow capped mountain range, you probably won't need this. Then again, it might use smaller wood pieces. Also, what did I say about electronics?

Of course, such stove does exist. It’s called a campfire. So unless you plan on hiking in a snow capped mountain range, you probably won’t need this. Then again, it might use smaller wood pieces. Also, what did I say about electronics?

19. Instead of having to stop to pee at the nearest rest stop, how about stop when you want to with the bumper dumper?

Then again, people might ask, "So why does this guy have a toilet attached to the back?" Yeah, people might think you're crazy. Also, there's the privacy thing.

Then again, people might ask, “So why does this guy have a toilet attached to the back?” Yeah, people might think you’re crazy. Also, there’s the privacy thing. Maybe use it when you’re in the woods.

20. Instead of a camp stove, try a cooka mat.

Think of it as a set of large hot plates for camping. Not sure if it's bound to work.

Think of it as a set of large hot plates for camping. Not sure if it’s bound to work.

21. For portability while camping, try an egg kitchen.

Includes everything along with the kitchen sink. And you can strap it to the roof of your car.

Includes everything along with the kitchen sink. And you can strap it to the roof of your car.

22. To get around in the dark, this intelligent lantern will light your way.

It even include speakers so you can listen to music. Yes, you read that right.

It even include speakers so you can listen to music. Yes, you read that right.

23. This camping mattress comes with built in speakers.

Why would anyone put speakers into a camping mattress? Unless, oh, I see what they mean. Maybe this isn't meant for a family camping trip per se.

Why would anyone put speakers into a camping mattress? Unless, oh, I see what they mean. Maybe this isn’t meant for a family camping trip per se.

24. To keep those pesky mosquitoes at bay, this mosquito repeller does the job.

If I can verify that it works, then I highly recommend this for Olympic spectators in Rio. For obvious reasons (though I'd question their sanity on why they even bothered, save for those with friends and family).

If I can verify that it works, then I highly recommend this for Olympic spectators in Rio. For obvious reasons (though I’d question their sanity on why they even bothered, save for those with friends and family).

25. For when you’re ripe on the trail, this portable shower comes in handy.

Of course, it might require you fill this with water first. That and find a place where nobody will see you. Unless you want to shower with your clothes on.

Of course, it might require you fill this with water first. That and find a place where nobody will see you. Unless you want to shower with your clothes on.

26. For morning campsite coffee, this coffee box is at your service.

Well, this seems quite convenient. Just make coffee in this box and all is fine. Not sure if it comes with its own cup.

Well, this seems quite convenient. Just make coffee in this box and all is fine. Not sure if it comes with its own cup.

27. Frying is easy in the outdoors with this Coleman Propane Fryer.

Then again, I would think this as nonessential because frying food doesn't work any nutritional wonders. And I'm surprised that Coleman has this available.

Then again, I would think this as nonessential because frying food doesn’t work any nutritional wonders. And I’m surprised that Coleman has this available.

28. Take your food with you in this Cruzin’ Cooler.

Yes, this a mix between a cooler and a tricycle. Also seems electric powered since it has an exhaust pipe.

Yes, this a mix between a cooler and a tricycle. Also seems electric powered since it has an exhaust pipe.

29. For some men, this is chair hammock to rest on in the great outdoors.

This one comes with shade and places to put your drinks. So it's all good.

This one comes with shade and places to put your drinks. So it’s all good.

30. This trunk camp kitchen puts all your culinary needs in one place.

Of course, this is more suited for those who earn 6 figured salaries. But that's beside the point. Still, I'm sure plenty would want this.

Of course, this is more suited for those who earn 6 figured salaries. But that’s beside the point. Still, I’m sure plenty would want this.

31. For those living off the grid, I have the perfect mower for you.

Well, that's one way to make Fluffy useful. However, I think using other animals would be far more efficient. Also gives your lawn a free fertilization.

Well, that’s one way to make Fluffy useful. However, I think using other animals would be far more efficient. Also gives your lawn a free fertilization.

32. For Rover’s camping accommodations, how about his own sleeping bag?

Still, remember that most national and state parks don't allow pets for obvious reasons. So it's very unlikely you'll get to use it.

Still, remember that most national and state parks don’t allow pets for obvious reasons. So it’s very unlikely you’ll get to use it.

33. For easy gardening, get yourself an Easy Bloom Plant Sensor.

This little gadget tells you what will grow in the space you got and how to care for them. As for my home, there's probably not much due to shitty soil content.

This little gadget tells you what will grow in the space you got and how to care for them. As for my home, there’s probably not much due to shitty soil content.

34. For better smores, try the Electric Marshmallow Roaster.

Now you can roast your marshmallows on a rotation. Also works with hotdogs.

Now you can roast your marshmallows on a rotation. Also works with hotdogs.

35. For great storage space, try this spice rack backpack on a tree.

I'm sure you'd want this on your camping trip after you read this post. Seriously, who wouldn't?

I’m sure you’d want this on your camping trip after you read this post. Seriously, who wouldn’t?

36. You never had a strong cup of coffee in the great outdoors until you’ve brewed it with a propane coffee maker.

Brought to you by Coleman. However, using propane isn't as glamorous for the outdoors once you realize how it's extracted these days.

Brought to you by Coleman. However, using propane isn’t as glamorous for the outdoors once you realize how it’s extracted these days. As I can testify.

37. For your camping morning rituals, this box has you covered.

Even comes with a mirror and a place you can fill it up with water. What more can you want?

Even comes with a mirror and a place you can fill it up with water. What more can you want?

38. Crockery and containers are easy to store when they come stacked.

Comes with some pots, pans, bowls, and a few containers. I'm sure it can't be beat.

Comes with some pots, pans, bowls, and a few containers. I’m sure it can’t be beat.

39. For picnics, you might want to help yourselves to this Propane “Party Hub” Grill.

However, remember that most parks have fire pits at camp and picnic sites. So why would anyone think this is necessary?

However, remember that most parks have fire pits at camp and picnic sites. So why would anyone think this is necessary?

40. For food processing in the great outdoors, this crank blender is at your command.

Because sipping margaritas and smoothies in the woods = survival. Not sure if I think about that. Probably makes a lot of noise, too.

Because sipping margaritas and smoothies in the woods = survival. Not sure if I think about that. Probably makes a lot of noise, too.

41. For on the go hygiene on your hike, try the pocket shower.

Yes, this is a shower you can carry in the palm of your hand. Butyou have to fill it with water and put it up a tree first.

Yes, this is a shower you can carry in the palm of your hand. But you have to fill it with water and put it up a tree first.

42. Change your campfire’s color with some fire crystals.

Yes, those flame colors may look pretty. But it's recommended that you don't roast marshmallows over them. Since they contain certain chemicals.

Yes, those flame colors may look pretty. But it’s recommended that you don’t roast marshmallows over them. Since they contain certain chemicals.

43. This camp kitchen has everything you can fit in a suitcase.

And I wasn't kidding. Because this camp kitchen is literally in a suitcase. Very handy.

And I wasn’t kidding. Because this camp kitchen is literally in a suitcase. Very handy.

44. Why mow the lawn when you have a mowbot?

Someone made this as a project. However, I bet my dad would be envious if something like this existed.

Someone made this as a project. However, I bet my dad would be envious if something like this existed.

45. Speaking of mowers, there’s no better way to cut the grass than with a large hot rod engine.

Okay, it's probably more of a piece of DIY farm equipment. But you just have to see the kid on the seat smiling and holding his hand. That's great.

Okay, it’s probably more of a piece of DIY farm equipment. But you just have to see the kid on the seat smiling and holding his hand. That’s great.

46. For outdoor camping outside, this grill comes easy to carry.

Because you can fold it and take it with you on the go. Even though it's hard to tell how you make it work from the picture. Like how it's called a "GoBQ."

Because you can fold it and take it with you on the go. Even though it’s hard to tell how you make it work from the picture. Like how it’s called a “GoBQ.”

47. Now you can have cold drinks with you wherever you sit and wherever you go.

These are folding cooler bag chairs. Great for camping and other activities. If you value your access to drinks over the comfort of your seat.

These are folding cooler bag chairs. Great for camping and other activities. If you value your access to drinks over the comfort of your seat.

48. This Garden Groom will help keep your hedges trim.

Yes, it looks like a vacuum and probably sounds like one. But it seems to do a really great pruning job.

Yes, it looks like a vacuum and probably sounds like one. But it seems to do a really great pruning job.

49. Now you don’t have to worry about laundry at the campsite with this washer and dryer.

Of course, you can wash clothes in water before drying them on the line. But that would take too long.

Of course, you can wash clothes in water before drying them on the line. But that would take too long.

50. GoTenna will always give you better reception in the great outdoors.

Because if you're stuck in the woods, you'll bet there's a strong chance of no cell phone service. Keep that in mind.

Because if you’re stuck in the woods, you’ll bet there’s a strong chance of no cell phone service. Keep that in mind.

51. Need a better way to clean your grill? Try Grillbot.

This is an automatic grill brush. Said to clean your grill, hands free, in no time. And my dad is like, "Oh, shit."

This is an automatic grill brush. Said to clean your grill, hands free, in no time. And my dad is like, “Oh, shit.”

52. For cutting off high limbs in hard to reach places, this high limb chain saw has got you covered.

Now you can cut high limbs from a tree without having to worry about risking serious injury. At least not as much than having to do it with a ladder.

Now you can cut high limbs from a tree without having to worry about risking serious injury. At least not as much than having to do it with a ladder.

53. When keeping warm at the campfire, you can’t do without a honcho poncho.

It's part blanket and part poncho. And unlike the snuggie, it was made for the great outdoors in all kinds of weather.

It’s part blanket and part poncho. And unlike the snuggie, it was made for the great outdoors in all kinds of weather.

54. With the Husquvarna Automated Lawn Mower, you don’t have go out to cut the grass again.

Man, I know my dad would want this if he saw it. But I'm sure it's expensive as hell.

Man, I know my dad would want this if he saw it. But I’m sure it’s expensive as hell.

55. On a hike, this battery powered shower fits in the palm of your hand.

Sure it looks like some headphone. But you put water in it. I know it doesn't look like much but it's a portable shower.

Sure it looks like some headphone. But you put water in it. I know it doesn’t look like much but it’s a portable shower.

56. This Life Straw Personal Water Filter will guarantee you fresh drinking water all the time.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who need this. Namely people who are either camping or on some Latin American vacation. These need to be distributed to Olympic spectators in Rio.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who need this. Namely people who are either camping or on some Latin American vacation. These need to be distributed to Olympic spectators in Rio.

57. With this riding mower, be the king of the open lawn.

Yes, this is a motorcycle riding mower. It's part motorcycle, part tractor. Probably some kind of project in some guy's garage.

Yes, this is a motorcycle riding mower. It’s part motorcycle, part tractor. Probably some kind of project in some guy’s garage.

58. To keep dry and your hands free in the rain, a nubrella is just for you.

While the nubrella might keep you dry, it won't stop you from looking like a total idiot. Take it from someone who knows.

While the nubrella might keep you dry, it won’t stop you from looking like a total idiot. Take it from someone who knows.

59. An Oru kayak is a very convenient way to go across the river.

Because you can fold it and carry it with you on land. Not sure about the lack of an oar though.

Because you can fold it and carry it with you on land. Not sure about the lack of an oar though.

60. This is EcoWash Dinner Set by Electrolux is perfect for the lazy camper.

And here we have what this device consist of as well as how to wash the dishes with it. Note that it has to use its own plates.

And here we have what this device consist of as well as how to wash the dishes with it. Note that it has to use its own plates.

61. For convenient clothes washing, you might want to go with a Scrubba wash bag.

Yes, this is a laundry bag. But it's a laundry bag you wash clothes in while camping. There's a difference.

Yes, this is a laundry bag. But it’s a laundry bag you wash clothes in while camping. There’s a difference.

62. If you need to shit in the woods, the squat strap really comes in handy.

Because if you need to shit in the woods, it can be hard to sit down. Squatting can sometimes be very uncomfortable on these occasions.

Because if you need to shit in the woods, it can be hard to sit down. Squatting can sometimes be very uncomfortable on these occasions.

63. Cook food on the camp site by using the power of the sun with this GoSun solar oven.

I guess the tube in this thing is bigger than it looks in the picture. Because you can put a whole chicken in it.

I guess the tube in this thing is bigger than it looks in the picture. Because you can put a whole chicken in it.

64. To get rid of pesky garden spiders, this spider catcher comes in handy.

Of course, not all spiders are dangerous though being bit by them is not pleasant. Believe me, I've put up with that one spring.

Of course, not all spiders are dangerous though being bit by them is not pleasant. Believe me, I’ve put up with that one spring.

65. For better mowing and less movement, go with the lazy man’s power mower.

This is from a vintage image as you can see. Has a rather futuristic design with the dad in the bubble.

This is from a vintage image as you can see. Has a rather futuristic design with the dad in the bubble.

66. Make gardening easier with a tractor scoot.

Not sure if it makes gardening easier for anyone like me. But I wouldn't mind having it on me (at least for fun).

Not sure if it makes gardening easier for anyone like me. But I wouldn’t mind having it on me (at least for fun).

67. When camping, just remember that Sparky needs his own shelter, too.

Yes, I know it's ridiculous because a lot of state and national parks don't allow pets. But it makes a great photo op.

Yes, I know it’s ridiculous because a lot of state and national parks don’t allow pets. But it makes a great photo op.

68. If you don’t like the tractor scoot, the wearable garden stool is just as good.

Talk about having a stick up your ass on this one. Not sure how it will make gardening easier if it has one leg.

Talk about having a stick up your ass on this one. Not sure how it will make gardening easier if it has one leg.

69. This Wegner is the only Swiss Army Knife you ever need.

Because this one has a lot of stuff in it for any camping trip. Costs $1300.

Because this one has a lot of stuff in it for any camping trip. Costs $1300.

70. This solar charger gives your iPhone all the power you’ll ever need on your camping trip.

Uh, isn't camping supposed to be pertain to not using electronics? Then again, you can't really stop using your cell phone.

Uh, isn’t camping supposed to be pertain to not using electronics? Then again, you can’t really stop using your cell phone.

71. Need hot water? This Cuissental Slick Boil is just for you.

This kettle is of collapsible silicon. Makes it resistant to fire and insulates heat.

This kettle is of collapsible silicon. Makes it resistant to fire and insulates heat.

72. During a camping trip, a trampoline is always fun, on the water.

Yes, these do exist. And you can inflate them to put on a body of water. Yet, makes sure it's a beach before you use it.

Yes, these do exist. And you can inflate them to put on a body of water. Yet, makes sure it’s a beach before you use it.

73. This garden implement has a rake on one side and a hoe on the other.

Well, the hoe is abnormally wider than usual. But what did you expect?

Well, the hoe is abnormally wider than usual. But what did you expect from a wide garden implement like a rake?

74. A cocoon hammock is great when you need some privacy.

Not sure if it qualifies as a tent. But I wouldn't mind having this on a camping trip. Looks nice and cozy.

Not sure if it qualifies as a tent. But I wouldn’t mind having this on a camping trip. Looks nice and cozy.

75. A double sleeping bag is where the magic happens.

Yes, young romantic campers, these things exist. And I'm not sure if you'd want to take it on a family camping trip. Might go well with the camp mattress with speakers.

Yes, young romantic campers, these things exist. And I’m not sure if you’d want to take it on a family camping trip. Might go well with the camp mattress with speakers.

76. This Folding Flat Pot props up whenever you need it while camping.

It's a sheet of metal. But you can make it into a square pot if you need to do so.

It’s a sheet of metal. But you can make it into a square pot if you need to do so.

77. These solar powered Luminaid lights will illuminate any camp site.

Comes in 8 different colors. But they store power from the sun during the day. And use it during the night.

Comes in 8 different colors. But they store power from the sun during the day. And use it during the night.

78. This flashlight nightlight shows light way ahead of your path.

This one could be really handy if you have to go to the campground bathroom in the middle of the night. Like how it uses 2 lights.

This one could be really handy if you have to go to the campground bathroom in the middle of the night. Like how it uses 2 lights.

79. For a simpler campfire experience, help yourself to a campfire in a can.

Or as I call it, a "campfire for lazy people." Seriously, campfires should have real wood and be made by scratch. Not this.

Or as I call it, a “campfire for lazy people.” Seriously, campfires should have real wood and be made by scratch. Not this.

80. For pesky bugs, you might want this zap racket by your side.

Yes, a racket that will catch those pesky summer bugs. Might make them suffer but do I give a shit about them? No.

Yes, a racket that will catch those pesky summer bugs. Might make them suffer but do I give a shit about them? No.

81. Musuc Wear is the only kind of camping sleep wear you’ll ever need.

Yes, it's a sleeping bag you can wear. I know it's crazy and I probably showed this before. But I couldn't resist.

Yes, it’s a sleeping bag you can wear. I know it’s crazy and I probably showed this before. But I couldn’t resist.

82. With a watering can adapter, you use bottle to water your plants.

These look quite handy since you can use it on bottles. Comes in several different colors.

These look quite handy since you can use it on bottles. Comes in several different colors.

83. Garden gloves like these help you dig with your hands.

Kind of reminds you of some colorful claw hand. Yet, it's only a plastic glove that's a lame Wolverine imitation.

Kind of reminds you of some colorful claw hand. Yet, it’s only a plastic glove that’s a lame Wolverine imitation.

84. Sometimes you might need a row boat you can fit in your bag.

So if you hear "Dueling Banjoes" on the Appalachian Trail, you'll know when to get it out and rowing. Okay, I'm just kidding on that one.

So if you hear “Dueling Banjoes” on the Appalachian Trail, you’ll know when to get it out and rowing. Okay, I’m just kidding on that one.

85. Ever wish you can sit in a big camp chair? Now you can.

No, this isn't photoshop. The chair is actually that big. Take my word for it. Believe me.

No, this isn’t photoshop. The chair is actually that big. Take my word for it. Or Buzzfeed’s.

86. Steripen Freedom will help purify any water for you.

A must have for those on camping trips in the woods or on Latin American vacations. Because you never know what's in the water.

A must have for those on camping trips in the woods or on Latin American vacations. Because you never know what’s in the water.

87. This solar light can withstand the dark and stormy nights.

This would be a must have for any camper in my area. Because when it's not hot in Southwestern PA during the summer, it's incredibly rainy.

This would be a must have for any camper in my area. Because when it’s not hot in Southwestern PA during the summer, it’s incredibly rainy.

88. This solar powered bottle light is great in any dark situations.

It also ensures that you have an emergency light that doesn't take much space. A must have for any hiker or camper.

It also ensures that you have an emergency light that doesn’t take much space. A must have for any hiker or camper.

89. For a convenient cup of coffee in the great outdoors, this Handexpresso is all you need.

As if getting coffee couldn't be more simpler. I know so many people might feel this is something they didn't know they needed.

As if getting coffee couldn’t be more simpler. I know so many people might feel this is something they didn’t know they needed.

90. If you want to travel light, you might want to take this ultralight camp stove with you.

And I mean light. Since it barely resembles a stove. Just a very sophisticated bunsen burner from an advanced chemistry class.

And I mean light. Since it barely resembles a stove. Just a very sophisticated bunsen burner from an advanced chemistry class.

91. This backpack comes with its own solar power cell.

Well, at least you can charge you devices with this like your GPS and cell phone. Then again, you might not get much of signal anyway.

Well, at least you can charge you devices with this like your GPS and cell phone. Then again, you might not get much of signal anyway.

92. For shade around the campfire this chair has got you covered.

Now I would certainly want this for the beach. Also comes with bag for reading material like magazines.

Now I would certainly want this for the beach. Also comes with bag for reading material like magazines.

93. Keep your water pure in this Camelbak UV Light Water Purifier.

This even comes with a light. Said to purify water in 60 seconds from anywhere. Not sure if I buy it.

This even comes with a light. Said to purify water in 60 seconds from anywhere. Not sure if I buy it.

94. For your campsite take out, you’ll need these chopsticks.

Unless you're from East Asia, I'd see no reason why anyone would need these. Seriously, does anyone eat take out during a camping trip?

Unless you’re from East Asia, I’d see no reason why anyone would need these. Seriously, does anyone eat take out during a camping trip?

95. This tent chair can be shaped for many different purposes.

You can use it as a bed, tent, recliner, and chair. So there should be no reason why anyone wouldn't want this.

You can use it as a bed, tent, recliner, and chair. So there should be no reason why anyone wouldn’t want this.

96. Now you can grill on the go with Grilliput.

Comes with a tray and fire pit. But it sure looks quite simple to assemble. Doesn't it?

Comes with a tray and fire pit. But it sure looks quite simple to assemble. Doesn’t it?

97. This Ice Mule Cooler will store cold drinks on any hiking trip.

Of course, beer seems to be the popular choice. Because some hikers prefer to party during the night.

Of course, beer seems to be the popular choice. Because some hikers prefer to party during the night.

98. You can put up these hanging chairs at the back of a truck or car.

However, they seem like they could get tangled easily. Not sure how anyone could sit in them.

However, they seem like they could get tangled easily. Not sure how anyone could sit in them.

99. Watering plants is easier with Ucan.

Yes, it's a large watering can but you can pull it and carry it whenever you need to. So I guess it's quite handy.

Yes, it’s a large watering can but you can pull it and carry it whenever you need to. So I guess it’s quite handy.

100. Storing water in your backpack is easy with these Hydaway bottles.

And if you're not using them, you can store them away. Simple as that. Also come in a lot of different colors.

And if you’re not using them, you can store them away. Simple as that. Also come in a lot of different colors.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Fifth Edition)

As an aspiring writer, I know getting a book published is a very difficult endeavor since you have the pitch the idea and even if you do everything right and your book is good, there’s a chance you’d still face rejection. However, there are so many books out there that make the whole thing seem so easy because they don’t seem that good to begin with. Yes, I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but sometimes you can’t help yourself. Sometimes you might see a book with a crazy design. Sometimes it might have a crazy title. Or occasionally it might have a design that might send the wrong message. And then there are covers for classic books that don’t exactly correspond with what the story is really about. But whatever the case, I managed to get about 4 posts out of them because you keep finding more. So for your reading pleasure, I present you with another treasure trove of questionable book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. As you might see from the previous editions.

 

  1. Fashion Cats by Takako Iwasa
I know there are plenty of people who might like to dress up their pets. But come on, this is ridiculous.

I know there are plenty of people who might like to dress up their pets. But come on, this is ridiculous.

Because Fluffy always needs to look up to date on the latest styles.

2. How to Teach Physics to Your Dog by Chad Orzel

Just because teaching a dog physics might work on Wallace and Gromit, doesn't mean it will work for you. And even if it does, it doesn't mean your pooch will go into engineering.

Just because teaching a dog physics might work on Wallace and Gromit, doesn’t mean it will work for you. And even if it does, it doesn’t mean your pooch will go into engineering.

Since Rover needs to know the average amount of force it takes for you to throw the ball.

3. How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found by Doug Richmond

Of course, this doesn't mean you'll avoid getting on a Missing Persons report. Because a lot of people who disappear usually do. That or be declared dead.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you’ll avoid getting on a Missing Persons report. Because a lot of people who disappear usually do. That or be declared dead.

Very handy for anyone going into witness protection or are simply trying to hide from the law.

4. Social Sciences by Dave Daggett

However, it's said the process is very tedious from the description. Then again, people in the 18th century believed in a lot of crazy shit.

However, it’s said the process is very tedious from the description. Then again, people in the 18th century believed in a lot of crazy shit.

If you want to know how sunbeams can be extracted from cucumbers, this is the book for you.

5. Manifold Destiny: The One, the Only Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller

Of course, having food on you and fuel in the tank might help. Then again, why would anyone want to cook on their car. Wouldn't that mess up the engine? Seriously, it's only going to make your mechanic happy.

Of course, having food on you and fuel in the tank might help. Then again, why would anyone want to cook on their car. Wouldn’t that mess up the engine? Seriously, it’s only going to make your mechanic happy.

For those hungry travelers stranded on the open road and miles away from the nearest gas station, this is for you.

6. Strangers Have the Best Candy by Margaret Meps Schulte

Fortunately, this isn't a children's book but a travelogue about a woman's interesting conversations with strangers over the years. However, I have to admit, she really sucks at selecting titles.

Fortunately, this isn’t a children’s book but a travelogue about a woman’s interesting conversations with strangers over the years. However, I have to admit, she really sucks at selecting titles.

With the possible exception of Mr. Creepers and his windowless van.

7. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Uh, this book is supposed to take place in Russia during the Napoleonic wars. Also, I don't think it has a nude scene involving two women either.

Uh, this book is supposed to take place in Russia during the Napoleonic wars. Also, I don’t think it has a nude scene involving two women either.

Complete with Tolstoy’s deleted scene with naked lesbians.

8. Jesus on Mars by Philip Jose Farmer

Also, Jesus doesn't seem to have any hard feelings about being crucified on the red planet. Which begs the question, how do Martians have access to wood? Because Mars doesn't have any trees.

Also, Jesus doesn’t seem to have any hard feelings about being crucified on the red planet. Which begs the question, how do Martians have access to wood? Because Mars doesn’t have any trees.

Will Jesus save the little green men? Or will they shoot him with laser beams?

9. The Princess Bitchface Syndrome: Surviving Adolescent Girls by Michael Carr-Gregg

So this guy thinks that teenage girls act like bitches? Really? He should know that this doesn't describe teen girls 100% of the time. Really, it doesn't.

So this guy thinks that teenage girls act like bitches? Really? He should know that this doesn’t describe teen girls 100% of the time. Really, it doesn’t.

Because let’s face, adolescent girls are just a pain in the ass.

10. My Beautiful Mommy by Michael Alexander Salzhauer and illustrated by Victor Gulza

Yes, this book was written by a plastic surgeon. Still, I think they could've handled the subject better. For instance, the author could've had Mommy get a tummy tuck because she was suffering from severe lower back pain. Or she had been heavily scarred in a car accident. This book really sends a terrible message for kids.

Yes, this book was written by a plastic surgeon. Still, I think they could’ve handled the subject better. For instance, the author could’ve had Mommy get a tummy tuck because she was suffering from severe lower back pain. Or she had been heavily scarred in a car accident. This book really sends a terrible message for kids.

Or how to stay positive when your mom goes through plastic surgery because she has severe self-esteem issues about her looks.

11. Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way by Michael Young

From Mental-Floss: "Genghis Khan was a busy guy, and he was never able to find time to open a dental practice in between building an empire. This book still suggests that dentists should be taking a page from his book."

From Mental-Floss: “Genghis Khan was a busy guy, and he was never able to find time to open a dental practice in between building an empire. This book still suggests that dentists should be taking a page from his book.”

Now you can learn how to ruthlessly manage a dental practice like a 13th century Mongolian.

12. Betty Zane by Zane Grey

It's actually a historical novel about a Revolutionary war heroine on the frontier. And it involves her running to her brother's home to fetch more ammo to a fort. Definitely not a heartwarming Christmas story.

It’s actually a historical novel about a Revolutionary war heroine on the frontier. And it involves her running to her brother’s home to fetch more ammo to a fort. Definitely not a heartwarming Christmas story.

Guess this is about what Betty Zane wants for Christmas.

13. Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb

Also, that woman should have more of a space suit on. Because showing skin in space is a really bad idea. Seriously, skin exposure is a very easy way to die in space.

Also, that woman should have more of a space suit on. Because showing skin in space is a really bad idea. Seriously, skin exposure is a very easy way to die in space.

Let me guess, kind of a sci-fi, space fantasy flick.

14. The Madam as an Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution by Barbara Sherman Heyl

I heard the chapters on sex trafficking and STDS are very informative. Seriously, prostitution is a terrible profession.

I heard the chapters on sex trafficking and STDS are very informative. Seriously, prostitution is a terrible profession.

Also known as, “The Woman’s Guide on How to Succeed in Whorehouse Management.”

15. Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them: How to Keep Your Tractors Happy and Your Family Running

Yeah, that guy really seems to love his old tractor. Maybe even more than his family. I don't know. There's something not right here.

Yeah, that guy really seems to love his old tractor. Maybe even more than his family. I don’t know. There’s something not right here.

Oh, no, not the tractor loving guys again.

16. The Mother Truckers by Marcus Miller

Because I don't see any mother truckers here. Just some bikers and a couple guys in their underwear.

Because I don’t see any mother truckers here. Just some bikers and a couple guys in their underwear.

So I guess Gay Biker Boys in Bondage was already taken.

17. Gay Traders by Aaron Thomas

Then again, "Gay Traders" probably got passed the censors easier. But to me, it's more of a shower orgy than anything.

Then again, “Gay Traders” probably got passed the censors easier. But to me, it’s more of a shower orgy than anything.

Featuring the least gay group shower scene ever despite the title.

18. A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain

No, I don't think Camelot looks like a rough planetary surface with a large moon. It's supposed to look like a fairy tale medieval kingdom for God's sake.

No, I don’t think Camelot looks like a rough planetary surface with a large moon. It’s supposed to look like a fairy tale medieval kingdom for God’s sake.

Wait a minute, I don’t think that Camelot is supposed to be in outer space.

19. Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Creative Thinking by Tom Montahan

I know this book is supposed to be about enhancing creative thinking. But this title is just so fucked up. The freaky photo doesn't help either.

I know this book is supposed to be about enhancing creative thinking. But this title is just so fucked up. The freaky photo doesn’t help either. Sorry, but I don’t think a self-help book cover is supposed to give me nightmares.

Because nothing brings out creative thinking than performing some self-inflicted horrific brain surgery.

20. Carma Sutra: The Auto-Erotic Handbook by Alan Games and Esther Seisdon

Yes, this book exists. And I really don't want to know what's in it. Really, I don't think there's a lot of sex stuff you can do in the back of a sedan.

Yes, this book exists. And I really don’t want to know what’s in it. Really, I don’t think there’s a lot of sex stuff you can do in the back of a sedan.

Now you can explore your sex life without having to ask, “Your place or mine?”

21. The Emerald City of Oz by L. Frank Baum

No, I don't think the Emerald City is supposed to look like that. Doesn't seem very green to me.

No, I don’t think the Emerald City is supposed to look like that. Doesn’t seem very green to me.

Man, Emerald City doesn’t look so green these days.

22. Yoga for Equestrians: A New Path for Achieving Union with the Horse by Linda Benedik and Veronica Wirth

Seems like they'd promote yoga to just about anyone these days. What next, Yoga for Horses?

Seems like they’d promote yoga to just about anyone these days. What next, Yoga for Horses?

For those who wish to do yoga while on horseback, this is the book for you.

23. The Relaxed Rabbit: Massage for Your Pet Bunny by Chandra Moira Beal, RMT and Maia

Because massages should relieve stress for almost anybody. Even pet rabbits. Seriously, this is ridiculous. Really.

Because massages should relieve stress for almost anybody. Even pet rabbits. Seriously, this is ridiculous. Really.

Now you can learn how to give massages to Flopsy.

24. Learning to Play with a Lion’s Testicles: Unexpected Gifts from the Animals from Africa by Melissa Haynes

Sure it's about African animals. But why the hell does its title scream the worst fucking idea ever? Seriously, it's a very stupid way to die.

Sure it’s about African animals. But why the hell does its title scream the worst fucking idea ever? Seriously, it’s a very stupid way to die.

Actually learning to play with a lion’s testicles is incredibly easy: don’t.

25. My Darling, My Hamburger by Paul Zindel

Sure she may not be his cheeseburger in paradise, but she'll do. Seriously, I expect that title to be on something to do with food. Not romance.

Sure she may not be his cheeseburger in paradise, but she’ll do. Seriously, I expect that title to be on something to do with food. Not romance.

A steamy romance novel where “do you want fries with that” has multiple connotations.

26. If God Loves Me, Then Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open? by Lorraine Petersen

Yeah, these devotional books for teens can have very stupid titles. Yet, I would've thought a kid struggling to get their locker open would be more appropriate.

Yeah, these devotional books for teens can have very stupid titles. Yet, I would’ve thought a kid struggling to get their locker open would be more appropriate.

God: Maybe you just got the wrong combination numbers. That’s why.

27. Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat

I don't think Whiskers is amused by the finger puppet you made from his fur. In fact, he's kind of freaked out by it.

I don’t think Whiskers is amused by the finger puppet you made from his fur. In fact, he’s kind of freaked out by it.

As if Knitting with Dog Hair wasn’t the most insane craft book already.

28. Natural Bust Enhancement with Total Mind Power by Donald Wilson, M.D.

From Mental Floss: "Instead of blowing thousands dollars on surgery, Dr. Donald L. Wilson suggests that increased breast size can be achieved through the power of mindful thinking. The contents read more like soft-core erotic poetry than a self-help guide. One noteworthy line reads, 'You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect your breasts can be.'"

From Mental Floss: “Instead of blowing thousands dollars on surgery, Dr. Donald L. Wilson suggests that increased breast size can be achieved through the power of mindful thinking. The contents read more like soft-core erotic poetry than a self-help guide. One noteworthy line reads, ‘You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect your breasts can be.'”

Because why go through surgery when you can get bigger boobs by just using your mind?

29. Be Your Own Dick: Private Investigation Made Easy by John Q. Newman

Still, given how "dick" has so many unfortunate meanings these days, this cover is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, get your mind out of the gutter.

Still, given how “dick” has so many unfortunate meanings these days, this cover is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, get your mind out of the gutter.

After all, if you think your husband’s cheating on you, why waste money hiring a guy to follow him when you can do it yourself?

30. Extreme Ironing by Phil Shaw

Now it's one thing to be doing extreme stuff like bungee jumping or climbing. But ironing? That's just ridiculous.

Now it’s one thing to be doing extreme stuff like bungee jumping or climbing. But ironing? That’s just ridiculous.

Featuring pictures of people going to extreme lengths to iron their clothes.

31. Pet Goats and Pap Smears: 101 Medical Adventures to Open Your Mind and Heart by Pamela Wible, M.D.

I know this is supposed to be a medical story book. But the goat's placement is very freaky to me. Seriously.

I know this is supposed to be a medical story book. But the goat’s placement is very freaky to me. Seriously.

I really don’t think a goat is a great place for a gynecologist’s office.

32. You Don’t Have to Be Gay: Hope and Freedom for Males Struggling with Homosexuality or for Those Who Know Someone Who Is by J. A. Konrad

This book basically advocates gay conversion therapy, a practice everyone knows is basically harmful and demeaning to people. But if you're gay, you don't have to struggle with it. You just have to accept it as part of who you are and come out o the closet. Because there's nothing wrong with being gay.

This garbage basically advocates gay conversion therapy, a practice everyone knows is basically harmful and demeaning to people. But if you’re gay, you don’t have to struggle with it. You just have to accept it as part of who you are and come out o the closet. Because there’s nothing wrong with being gay.

Because, men, why do you have to come out of the closet and accept it as your sexual identity when you could just go through the self-hating process of gay conversion therapy?

33. A Thousand and One Afternoons in Chicago by Ben Hecht

No, I don't think Chicago is a barren desert since it's in the Great Lakes region. Also, it's kind of flat.

No, I don’t think Chicago is a barren desert since it’s in the Great Lakes region. Also, it’s kind of flat.

Yes, read Ben Hecht’s account about surviving in one of the harshest deserts of Illinois.

34. The Napoleon of Notting Hill by G.K. Chesterton

Wait a minute, the English landscape doesn't look like that. That's seems like something you'd see in the Rockies.

Wait a minute, the English landscape doesn’t look like that. That’s seems like something you’d see in the Rockies.

Apparently, Notting Hill is known for its tall snow-capped mountains and vast bodies of water.

35. The Thing about Georgie by Lisa Graff

What the fuck, Scholastic? This book looks like it's about a kid who hung himself? Seriously, this is insane!

What the fuck, Scholastic? This book looks like it’s about a kid who hung himself! Seriously, this is bound to traumatize children!

Apparently, a children’s novel about childhood suicide, published by Scholastic.

36. How to Kill Your Girlfriend’s Cat Again by Dr. Robert Daphne

Look, guys, if you don't like your girlfriend's cat either put up with it until it dies or break up with her. Because many people see killing your girlfriend's cat as a major relationship dealbreaker.

Look, guys, if you don’t like your girlfriend’s cat either put up with it until it dies or break up with her. Because many people see killing your girlfriend’s cat as a major relationship dealbreaker.

Another thing that’s incredibly easy to do: don’t. Seriously, Dwight Schrute learned the hard way by putting one of Angela’s cats in the freezer.

37. Why Isn’t God Giving Cash Prizes? by Lorraine Peterson

I wish tell Lorraine Peterson that she really needs a better cover designer, considering the titles. How about God calling out lotto numbers?

I wish tell Lorraine Peterson that she really needs a better cover designer, considering the titles. How about God calling out lotto numbers?

Because God doesn’t play favorites and thinks cash is just a human invention.

38. Daisy Miller and Other Stories by Henry James

Sorry, but I don't think Daisy Miller was a desert dwelling kick ass assassin. She was probably some turn of the century society woman whose parents made her participate in some institutionalized gold digging.

Sorry, but I don’t think Daisy Miller was a desert dwelling kick ass assassin. She was probably some turn of the century society woman whose parents made her participate in some institutionalized gold digging.

Look out, Henry James’s Daisy Miller is packing heat.

39. My Big Lie by Bill Cosby

Of course, everyone knows what Little Bill's big lie is, which he's been telling everyone for most of his adult life. Yeah, probably should be pulled from the children's section.

Of course, everyone knows what Big Bill’s big lie is, which he’s been telling everyone for most of his adult life. Yeah, probably should be pulled from the children’s section.

Think about as a children’s book version of Confessions of a Date Rapist.

40. The Legends of King Arthur and His Knights by James Knowles

This picture seems like it was taken straight off from some book about the Napoleonic Wars. Or the War of 1812. Not sure about the color of these uniforms.

This picture seems like it was taken straight off from some book about the Napoleonic Wars. Or the War of 1812. Not sure about the color of these uniforms.

No, I don’t think medieval knights dressed like that in battle.

41. Does God Speak Through Cats? by David Evans

From Mental Floss: "This is one of those pressing questions the Bible, the Torah, and the Qu’ran all neglected to answer." Apparently, the ridiculous cat books seem to be endless.

From Mental Floss: “This is one of those pressing questions the Bible, the Torah, and the Qu’ran all neglected to answer.” Apparently, the ridiculous cat books seem to be endless.

The kind of question crazy cat lovers have been asking for centuries.

42. The Lull Before Dorking

It's actually a collection of 1871 British pamphlets. "Dorking" here might mean either market in South London or a 5-toed domestic fowl. I'm not sure which.

It’s actually a collection of 1871 British pamphlets. “Dorking” here might mean either market in South London or a 5-toed domestic fowl. I’m not sure which.

Apparently, this isn’t a prequel to the Big Bang Theory.

43. My Angelica by Carol Lynch Williams

Yeah, I don't think teenage girls should have Harlequin romance fantasies. Sparkly vampires would be more age appropriate.

Yeah, I don’t think teenage girls should have Harlequin romance fantasies. Sparkly vampires would be more age appropriate.

Because trashy romance novelists were once 12-year-olds, too.

44. How to Poo on a Date:The Lovers’ Guide to Toilet Etiquette by Mats and Enzo

Really? Do we really need a book on how to poop on a date? Can't just going to the restroom be good enough?

Really? Do we really need a book on how to poop on a date? Can’t just going to the restroom be good enough?

For when you’re in a romantic mood and have to do a No.2.

45. The New Radiation Recipe Book

Learn how to make meals such as 3 headed sheep, Chernobyl casserole, China Syndrome chicken, and Westinghouse salad. Dishes might cause radiation sickness though.

Learn how to make meals such as 3 headed sheep, Chernobyl casserole, China Syndrome chicken, and Westinghouse salad. Dishes might cause radiation sickness though.

Featuring the finest cuisine straight from Three Mile Island.

46. Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier

While Rebecca does have some romance, it's not exactly what I call a romance novel. Mostly because I don't find Manderley an ideal romantic setting. Quite the opposite.

While Rebecca does have some romance, it’s not exactly what I call a romance novel. Mostly because I don’t find Manderley an ideal romantic setting. Quite the opposite.

Because there’s nothing sexy like a young wife with a massive lack of self-esteem who’s constantly harassed by the maid and her middle aged husband who yells at her all the time without explaining why.

47. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

This cover is more suited for a business textbook than a Jane Austen novel. I don't think the Dashwood sisters are pros at customer service.

This cover is more suited for a business textbook than a Jane Austen novel. I don’t think the Dashwood sisters are pros at customer service.

Uh, I don’t think that looks early 19th century to me.

48. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Hell, even having a Nazis or a swastika on the cover would be more appropriate than a domino set. This doesn't set the right mood.

Hell, even having a Nazis or a swastika on the cover would be more appropriate than a domino set. This doesn’t set the right mood.

This is about a young girl who lives in Nazi Germany, not a pulpy detective story.

49. Treat Your Neck by Robin McKenzie

From Mental Floss: "In the days before hypochondriacs could be satisfied (or spurred on) by a quick WebMD search for symptoms like “stiff elbow” or “sore ankles,” Spinal Publications New Zealand Ltd. and physical therapist Robin McKenzie released a handy paperback guide to self-care for all neck-related problems. Reviews of the book range from “highly recommend!” to a warning that some of the exercises might be “quite harmful” to those with pre-existing arthritis. Exercise caution when reading."

From Mental Floss: “In the days before hypochondriacs could be satisfied (or spurred on) by a quick WebMD search for symptoms like “stiff elbow” or “sore ankles,” Spinal Publications New Zealand Ltd. and physical therapist Robin McKenzie released a handy paperback guide to self-care for all neck-related problems. Reviews of the book range from “highly recommend!” to a warning that some of the exercises might be “quite harmful” to those with pre-existing arthritis. Exercise caution when reading.”

Finally, a book about combating neck pain.

50. Daughters of Eve by Lois Duncan

This looks like something that's straight out of a men's rights activist's nightmares. Seriously, feminists don't usually hate men, they just hate how the male-dominated system treats them.

This looks like something that’s straight out of a men’s rights activist’s nightmares. Seriously, feminists don’t usually hate men, they just hate how the male-dominated system treats them.

Watch out, girls, the teen feminist cultists are coming for you!

51. Venusia by Mark von Schlegell

Believe it or not, this was the original Hooters girl costume design. It was rejected for obvious reasons.

Believe it or not, this was the original Hooters girl costume design. It was rejected for obvious reasons.

Lady owls have never looked so sexy before.

52. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

No, there weren't any naked women riding on horseback in this book. This painting has absolutely nothing to do with the story.

No, there weren’t any naked women riding on horseback in this book. This painting has absolutely nothing to do with the story.

What the hell is Lady Godiva doing here? This book takes place in the early 19th century for God’s sake!

53. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Look, if a classic doesn't have a naked lady in the text, don't put one on the cover. People might mistake it for something else, adolescent boys in particular.

Look, if a classic doesn’t have a naked lady in the text, don’t put one on the cover. People might mistake it for something else, adolescent boys in particular.

So where do we meet the naked lady in this one?

54. Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos Volume I by H.P. Lovecraft

Seriously, we all should know that Cthulhu is more of a menacing sea creature than anything. Why they put a skull, is anyone's guess.

Seriously, we all should know that Cthulhu is more of a menacing sea creature than anything. Why they put a skull, is anyone’s guess.

Uh, I don’t think Cthulhu is a steaming skull.

55. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

Makes it hard to believe that this story inspired Bladerunner. Yeah, the cover makes it seem quite lame.

Makes it hard to believe that this story inspired Bladerunner. Yeah, the cover makes it seem quite lame.

Here’s a case where the cover designer took the title way too literally.

56. Sexual Harassment at Work by Sue Read

However, do we really need an image of a guy playing grab ass? That's disturbing.

However, do we really need an image of a guy playing grab ass? That’s disturbing.

Well, at least you can see what this book is actually talking about.

57. Wildlife Contraception: Issues, Methods, and Applications edited by Cheryl S. Asa and Ingrid J. Porton

Of course, when it comes to deer, one of the best ways to control their population is to shoot them. Natural predators exist for a reason, people.

Of course, when it comes to deer, one of the best ways to control their population is to shoot them. Natural predators exist for a reason, people.

Because when it comes to controlling the wild animal population spay and neuter won’t do.

58. The Thermodynamics of Pizza: Essays on Science and Everyday Life by Harold J. Morowitz

At Saint Vincent, I thought my chemistry in daily life class would be about stuff like this. Turns out, it was about nutritional content, specifically what chemical inbalances lead to Type II Diabetes.

At Saint Vincent, I thought my chemistry in daily life class would be about stuff like this. Turns out, it was about nutritional content, specifically what chemical inbalances lead to Type II Diabetes.

For those who want to know the heat distribution of pizza. But it might not help those who seek to know the same about hot pockets.

59. What Shat That? A Pocket Guide to Poop Identity by Matt Pagett

I can imagine that this might be a rather useful book. But would anyone want to use it? Its literally full of shit.

I can imagine that this might be a rather useful book. But would anyone want to use it? It’s literally full of shit.

The handy guide that will help you determine whether a bear really did shit in the woods.

60. The Spirit of the Border by Zane Grey

It's a historical novel based on events centering around the Ohio River Valley in the late 18th century. Focuses on a guy who dedicated his life on Native American destruction and protecting white settlement. Not anything cuddly.

It’s a historical novel based on events centering around the Ohio River Valley in the late 18th century. Focuses on a guy who dedicated his life on Native American destruction and protecting white settlement. Not anything cuddly.

I don’t think this book has anything to do with kitties on a tree.

Hogwarts Teacher Evaluations by Albus Dumbledore

Dumbledore's_speech_at_the_Great_Hall_in_1996

Professors, due to parental complaints which should remain nameless, I think the time has come that we put in some accountability system in place through introducing teacher evaluations. You shall receive yours through owl post which contains both my positive and negative observations as well as areas for improvement. Any questions, comments, and concerns, send an owl to my office. Teachers in previous years would be accounted for as well because our standards have really gone down when you have to hire a new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor every year. It’s a real pain in the ass. As Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I take teacher accountability very serious, well, most of the time. Let’s please make this school a safe and quality learning environment for our students.

 

  1. Rubeus Hagrid

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Expertise in handling magical creatures makes him uniquely qualified for the position. Demonstrates better personal safety than his predecessor (who retired to spend time with his remaining limbs). Hippogriff lesson was a great example of how students shouldn’t be cocky to animals. Also, does it on a gamekeeper’s salary which works for our budget.

Con: Does not speak in clear or understandable English. Cries, a lot. Has spent considerable time away from class. Once walked off to the Forbidden Forest for most of the lesson and returned with a black eye which went completely unexplained. Had students buy books that will attack them. Hippogriff incident resulted in a student being attacked as well as a huge mess on our hands (since the boy’s dad was a school board member). Can’t be trusted with a secret. Doesn’t know how to spell. Has a preference for very dangerous creatures, which he considers “cute” and tends to put their well-being over other people’s safety. Often puts students in harm’s way in his lessons plans (making our school prone to lawsuits). Then there’s the issue of him being expelled in his 3rd year (though we know the truth behind that). Sometimes even the students who like him best couldn’t be in the class longer than necessary.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t make students buy books that would attack them. Don’t let students fly around unsupervised on hippogriffs. Restrict your curriculum to creatures you know how to care for. Or better yet, anything that’s not a walking death trap. Also if a student is being rude, just send them to the office (though to be fair, the boy did have it coming).

Grade: C, not the worst person for the job but there’s plenty of room for improvement.

 

  1. Cuthbert Binns

Department: History of Magic

Pro: Knows how to make an entrance such as through the blackboard. Also, keeping him around as a ghost teacher saves money on hiring as well as faculty room and board costs.

Con: His Chamber of Secrets lesson was perhaps the only time students were known to stay awake for, which he insists can’t possibly be real. Has a reputation for being notoriously boring that most of his students fall asleep 5 minutes into class, which he doesn’t address in any way. Doesn’t help that students don’t really pay attention to his class very much. Seems surprised and irritated when asked a history related question. Does not know any of his students’ names, even those he’s known for years. May not be aware that he’s been dead for years. Might’ve failed to evacuate classroom during fire and possibly slept through the deaths of several students. Is so absent-minded that he’s amazed to find his class full of students.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Either try being livelier or move on, as in beyond the veil. Also, you should know there is more to history than just the Goblin Wars. In addition, I would recommend you take a course in fire safety if that’s possible.

Grade: D-, you should’ve been fired a long time ago, whenever that was. Not I’m not sure if that’s possible since having you around does save a ton of money not having to pay for a history teacher.

 

  1. Severus Snape

Department: Potions/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a wizarding genius who’s well-versed in all magical subjects. Demonstrates exemplary loyalty to this institution, making him well suited for performing tasks well beyond any wizard’s call of duty. Has people’s best interests at heart and can be the kind of guy you’d need on your side to win in a fight. Has shown to be quite protective toward students at times, including ones he’s known openly resent.

Con: Has a shady past which doesn’t endear him to his colleagues who just don’t understand his intentions (though he was right to keep some details confidential). Doesn’t really care enough about his students to teach them properly (though some students have done well when not under his observation. So he can be a damn good teacher when he wants to be). Has a reputation for showing favoritism to some of his Slytherin students while berating, insulting, threatening, and humiliating kids he doesn’t like which sometimes hinders their education. One case in particular revolved around a Gryffindor boy because his mom rejected him in favor of a guy who bullied him in school (with the boy not knowing the full story until years later). Subjected the boy in question to read various school reports about his dad’s days as a troublemaker as a punishment. Another has him refusing to call on a female student despite her hand being raised but took points away from Gryffindor due to her being “an insufferable know-it-all.” Reduced a second boy to an occasional nervous wreck for a few years. Has not only ignored bullying, but also actively encouraged it. Can’t seem to let go of his grudges toward boyhood enemies and move on with his life. Despite stoic demeanor, can get angry with the drop of a hat. “Accidentally” outed a colleague as a werewolf out of spite in an attempt to get him fired. Though he had a rather rough life, he shows very little compassion and understanding for other people’s suffering or any capability to see things differently.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Understand that you can’t take points away from a house just because a girl raised her hand for some time. Sure she may be an “insufferable know-it-all” but that’s not how the point system works. Treat all students with respect and be nice to them, no matter how much you wanted to bang their mom or how much their dad was a dick. Maybe cool down in the staff lounge between periods or perhaps attend an anger management class hosted by the Room or Requirement. Don’t take your bitterness on your students about being denied a DADA position each year, your miserable childhood, or inadvertently causing the death of your true love. Your classroom is not the place for it.

Grade: B+, you can be a great teacher if you just try to improve your personality or at least find a way to let go of your past. I can recommend a great therapist you can visit during the summer. Also, try to make an effort to improve your social skills.

 

  1. Sibyl Trelawney

Department: Divination

Pro: Can actually predict the future and was eventually proven to be right much of the time (especially that one time). Then again, predicting the future is a tricky thing.

Con: Fancies herself as a great seer “possessed of the Inner Eye” though is often seen as a fraud who makes up nonsensical prophecies on the spot whether she’s right or not. Is so overly weird that students don’t take her seriously. May not actually know how predictions work or may give the wrong interpretations. At any rate, something’s not right with her. Insists students buy a Divination textbook despite thinking that books are useless. Classroom is almost always filled with smoke. Drinks a lot. Has a tendency to predict deaths of students at least once a year, including one who watched his own parents die. Best student in the history of this school left mid-class and never returned.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: If you’re not using textbooks don’t insist students to buy them. Keep the death predictions to yourself since these are children. Also, it would be best to give a little more clarity on predicting the future since your prophecies may come true but not in the way you interpret them. Put more focus and organization in your lessons.

Grade: C-, we might need to bring in someone to help you with your course load. He’ll only be half horse. Understand? Because if I didn’t keep you here for your personal safety (due to your one major prophecy), I would’ve sent you packing on the spot.

 

  1. Minerva McGonagall

Department: Transfiguration

Pro: She is an exceptional and powerful witch in her field as well as a stern but fair teacher. Takes no crap from anyone and is very protective of her students for whom she’s willing to fight to the death for. But is also kindly and is seen by her students as very trustworthy as well as inspires the utmost respect. Never afraid to speak her mind and is supportive to colleagues. Is always the one teacher students go to for help even though she’d scold them since she’ll assist them whenever they need it. High expectations and project-based approach allow students to try and make mistakes in their learning.

Con: Her love of Quidditch might soften her disciplinarian skills occasionally. Or when it comes to students tormenting a teacher she simply doesn’t respect. Does not like dirty cowards. Also does not take it well when Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: There’s very little to say here.

Grade: A+, you’re the best teacher at this school.

 

  1. Pomona Sprout

Department: Herbology

Pro: Doesn’t mind getting dirty when dealing with dangerous plants. Is cheerful and fair to her students. Can handle tough and dangerous situations without much fuss. Teaching environment can make even the most shy students shine by putting them at ease while challenging them to do their best.

Con: Has been known to track mud in the Great Hall.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: When it comes to the growing mandrakes, may I suggest buying some Muggle noise blocking headphones? Or magically noise blocking earmuffs? Also, clean yourself up before you enter into the Great Hall.

Grade: A, your mandrake were a great asset to us during the Chamber of Secrets incident.

 

  1. Gilderoy Lockhart

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s written a lot of books on Defense Against the Dark Arts as well as facing against dangerous creatures and is quite charming. Girls seem to like him.

Con: Doesn’t live up to this hype once in the classroom. Students have found him incompetent and untalented as well as vain and egotistical. Is later exposed as a fraud as well as stealing stories from others before subjecting them to memory charms. Despite being DADA teacher, has proven to be utterly useless during the Chamber of Secrets crisis and is willing to let a student die to save his own skin. Hell, he even deboned a student’s broken arm after a Quidditch accident as well as ran out of the classroom during a pixie infestation. Colleagues unanimously detest him as well as students who can see past his foppish good looks. Even attempted to erase two students’ memories.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about actually studying Defense Against the Dark Arts before deciding to teach them. Also, don’t try to use students to enhance your own vanity. And stay away from broken wands. And please, don’t attempt to use magic to heal a student’s injuries, that’s Madam Pomphrey’s job and she hates you.

Grade: F, then again this job didn’t have many takers. Besides, I knew he was a fraud when I hired him because I knew some of his victims personally. I only invited him to teach just to expose him and he only took the job because Harry Potter was a student there. So having the chance to “train” another celebrity was an offer he couldn’t refuse.Luckily, since you fell on your own sword, I didn’t have to fire you. Enjoy your stay at St. Mungo’s indefinitely.

 

  1. Dolores Umbridge

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: The Ministry of Magic certainly thinks very highly of her and seems to boast a great resume. Her office seems rather well decorated. Acts like a kindly old aunt or grandmother.

Con: Her persona is only a thin veneer covering government corruption at its worst. Once at Hogwarts, she wasted no time turning the school into her own personal fiefdom and running it as a sugar-coated dictator. Forces tyrannical laws on the school to get her own way. Feels that she’s always right and wants her students to just shut up and agree with her. Has been shown to be very abusive toward any student who disagree with her even in the classroom. Speaks to students in a very condescending tone as she views them as her inferiors. Her detentions consist of them writing a sentence several times in their own blood with quills that cut into skin on the backs of their hands. In fact, she relishes in torture. Was so useless teaching her designated subject that students formed their own DADA class in the Room of Requirement as Dumbledore’s Army. Frequently interrupts people with a fake cough. Had Trelawney dismissed from her job without my authorization and later deposed and replaced me as headmaster. There she formed a Inquistorial Squad of Slytherin students as well as used the House Cup Competiton to encourage pupils to report on others. Other than that, almost all school order went to hell since most faculty and staff hated her so much. Has a hatred for centaurs, giants, Muggles, Muggle-borns, half-bloods, and others. Hates children, too. Is willing to condemn a student in the face of all justice and logic, even if it means him using underage magic in a situation she clearly set up in an attempt to silence him on a traumatizing incident he personally witnessed. Participated in an unprovoked attack on two teachers which left one of them in need of serious medical attention. Loves to inflict pain and misery on everyone she can. Has a staggering lack of empathy for victims of her cruelty. Used an Unforgivable curse on one of her students as well as threatened to use Veritiserum as well. Is utterly useless against a herd of centaurs. Is almost universally hated by both students and staff. Shows signs of being a sociopath and a sadist.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Sorry, but I highly recommend that you don’t torture the students. Also, don’t assume that your students are lying, especially if they know more about DADA and Lord Voldemort than you. Don’t anger centaurs.

Grade: F, if Cornelius Fudge didn’t make me hire her, I would’ve never had her at this school in the first place.

 

  1. Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a retired Auror and a good friend of mine so his qualifications are without question and he’s a man I can trust with students despite his eccentricities like his rampant paranoia. Expert in Charms, Transfiguration, Defensive Magic, Herbology, and Potions. Takes no slack from whiners but has a soft side as well as impresses those in his charge. Did a good demonstration on the Unforgivable Curses.

Con: Subscribes to the idea that once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Has a highly disagreeable temperament. Didn’t seem to be himself during his time at Hogwarts because he seemed to have a very large suitcase and tends to drink out of his hip flask every hour or so. Meanwhile, Snape has claimed that someone has been stealing from his ingredient stash to make polyjuice potion. Even Barty Crouch Sr. has some suspicions about him. Makes Slytherins and former Death Eaters very uneasy around him. His unconventional disciplinary methods like turning an obnoxious student into a ferret doesn’t uphold to school standards. Students might be learning the wrong lesson from him.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t use Transfiguration as a punishment to students. Try to cut down on drinking. Be nice to Slytherins, even if they are Death Eater children.

Grade: C+, occasionally effective but wasn’t quite himself in the end. Wonder what lessons these kids might be learning from him.

 

  1. Remus Lupin

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is an accomplished and skilled wizard with extensive knowledge of dark creatures as well as charismatic. Is pleasant, mild-mannered, and scholarly figure who genuinely cares about the children under his care and is generally-well liked. Was very great with the dementor attacks by calming down utterly traumatized children with chocolate and medicine. Is unfailingly kind and considerate toward everyone as well as somewhat saner than many of his colleagues. Very accessible to his students and actually teaches them what they need to know.

Con: Has a tendency to fall ill and be absent from class during the full moon, which has caused a lot of suspicion. Was willing to help an escaped fugitive on school grounds (who turned out to be innocent, but still). And can be a real monster whenever he forgets to take his medication.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps subjecting your students and their parents to a werewolf awareness class might help explain you monthly absences. If only the Ministry would allow it.

Grade: A, if it weren’t for Snape outing you as a werewolf and the concerned parents freaking out, I would’ve kept you on. Seriously, your departure was a big loss for our school since you’re the best DADA teacher we’ve had in a long time.

 

  1. Fillius Flitwick

Department: Charms

Pro: Is one of the nicest teachers as well as cheerful and fair to his students. Great with spells and was once a dueling champion. Even teaches the school choir in his spare time. Gentle demeanor and fierce abilities combine to create a positive learning environment. Also demonstrates great patience.

Con: Has a tendency being victimized by someone’s spell going awry. Classroom often filled with bangs, explosions, and other frightening results of miscast spells.Sometimes can even be sent flying across the classroom. Despite teaching for a long time, does not consider that Ravenclaw’s diadem was in the Room of Requirement for years. Also teaching the front doors to recognize Sirius Black and to instantly lock down if he tries to break in once more has one gaping hole. Also has altered appearance considerably since the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try to hold your ground. Other than that, I don’t know what else to recommend.

Grade: A, truly an exemplary teacher if there ever was one as well as helps that your subject is among the most important.

 

  1. Rolanda Hooch

Department: Flying

Pro: Is rather stern and impartial as well as can teach students how to fly on brooms.

Con: Spent a considerable amount of time leaving her students unsupervised which resulted in a bullying incident that wouldn’t have happened under her watch. Also expulsion for flying a broom without her permission? Really?

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Maybe try being less strict, especially since you went gaga over one student’s new Firebolt. Also, if you want to go for a pee do it between periods, not during class (especially if there are Slytherins present).

Grade: B, not bad, but you probably have an easy teaching job anyway.

 

  1. Quinirinus Quirrell

Department: Muggle Studies/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s a fine teacher while studying from books and was known to have a brilliant mind. Took a year off to get some firsthand experience. Can also be quite perfectly benevolent or so it seems. Warned staff and students about a troll in the dungeon on Halloween.

Con: Was never the same after his European travels though God only knows what went on during that time. But since he has become perpetually nervous as well as developed a stutter and nervous tics. Seems to be scared of his own students as well as his own subject and might come across as incompetent and inconfident. Snape thinks he might be after the Philosopher’s Stone in the basement. Troll was actually terrorizing a student in the girls’ bathroom. Might’ve nearly thrown a student off his broom during a Quidditch match, too. Then there’s the unicorns being slaughtered in the Forbidden Forest since he returned from his European vacation. And who knows what he has under that purple turban of his.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about building some self-esteem? Also, perhaps you can stop stuttering. And can you show me the back of your head?

Grade: C, teaching is so-so, but you should not try to expose students to danger.

 

  1. Horace Slughorn

Department: Potions

Pro: Expert enough in potions that I dragged the man out of a 15 year retirement. A Slytherin who is not obsessed with blood purity and takes more to enlightened self-interest. Is willing to help his most favored students succeed. Doesn’t bully or abuse his students which makes him quite serviceable that some students demonstrated such aptitude for the first time. Is an expert fighter and extremely talented wizard.

Con: Plays favorites with his students and singles out those who are famous or well-connected for special treatment. Can be somewhat dismissive to those who fail to catch his attention. Not so above the muggle-born prejudice though he tries to prove he’s not. Also, he once discussed the idea of horcruxes with the wrong Slytherin student. Thinks students he’s helped owes him a favor though he tends to be too lazy to take advantage of this beyond asking for free concert tickets and sweets. In addition, vicarious ambition does have a dark side.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try not to see muggle-borns as significantly less talented as their pureblood counterparts since you have had exceptional muggle born students before. Oh, and sometimes it helps to keep some lessons to yourself, especially if the student asking the question happens to be descended from Salazar Slytherin as well as has the potential to become one of the most notorious dark wizards of our time.

Grade: B-, though you are a great teacher that I had to drag out of retirement, it was worth it. However, I’m never going to let you live your horcrux explanation to Riddle down. Never.

 

  1. Firenze

Department: Divination

Pro: Never says a single harsh word to anyone. Seems more knowledgeable in his field than Trelawney at times and calls her out on her methods. Is more friendly to humans than some of his kind and in his herd. Can take some insulting comment rather well than those in his species. At least honest in acknowledging that Divination is inexact and open to interpretation, with his brand being based on stargazing.

Con: Has a view and perspective that’s hard for students to understand. Also, is the subject of disparaging comments from many parents on letting a half horse man teaching a class.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps trying to explain the centaur Divination point of view to your students might be better. Also, maybe you should do something to raise centaur awareness so parents would be more comfortable with you.

Grade: A, I was right about you being an “acceptable” replacement though Umbridge failed to get the joke.

 

16. Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures (substitute basis)

Pro: Lessons are often age appropriate and is not prone to outbursts. Also, doesn’t risks any of her limbs for the sake of creature education. Threstral lesson was good and highly informative. Even praises Hagrid on his threstral care. Liked by everyone and even trusted to treat owls. Overall is a competent teacher who makes her lessons enjoyable to students

Con: Hiring her to teach the subject permanently with Hagrid wouldn’t be cheap. Also, there is some worth in teaching about more dangerous creatures though it’s generally not advisable. And she smokes a pipe in front of the kids.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Can’t think of anything save perhaps quitting smoking. Really doesn’t set a great example to the students.

Grade: A-, sorry we can’t hire you on a permanent basis, but it’s just on in our budget. Besides, Hagrid only earns a gamekeeper’s salary anyway.

 

17. Silvanus Kettleburn

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Had great affection from the staff and students during his career. Displayed great enthusiasm for his subject. Also active in student theater.

Con: Is an occasionally reckless man whose great love of the dangerous magical creatures he studied and looked after often resulted in serious injuries not only to himself but also to others. Is prone to underestimating the risks involved to caring for creatures such as Occamys, Grindylows and Fire Crabs. This led to no fewer than 62 probation periods, a record that still stands. Once set off a major fire in the Great Hall after enchanting an Ashwinder to play the Worm in “The Fountain of Fair Fortune.” Also, visits dragon sanctuaries in his spare time.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps you can practice safety in your lessons because if you keep up with this, you might finish your career with an arm and half a leg. And those wooden prosthetics I gave you don’t come cheap, which you keep having set on fire during your visits to dragon sanctuaries.

Grade: C-, all your lessons should come with a public safety disclaimer like “Don’t Try this at Home.” Also, you might want to consider retiring before you end up killing yourself.

 

18. Irma Pince

Department: Library

Pro: Apparently, shows dedication to her job and does not take damaged books lightly.

Con: Has been known to be unpleasant to the students, especially if they’ve either brought food in the library or doodled in the books. One incidence had her yelling at two students as well as enchanting their things to chase them out as well as whack them over their heads repeatedly as they ran. Has placed dozens of curses on the books should they be mistreated, stolen, or vandalized. I myself even made such mistake by doodling in one and found the book trying to beat me on the head. But I still can’t guarantee whether I gotten off all the curses of Quidditch Through the Ages future readers might be holding. Has been very unhelpful to students and tends to scream at them.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Though I’m aware of library policies, perhaps you should at least loosen up a bit because students are scared to death of you. Also remember students aren’t the only ones who read your precious library books.

Grade: B-, while I have to admire your dedication, you have some major personality issues.