Reasons to Support Universal Healthcare in the United States

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The cause of universal healthcare is one that’s close to my heart and one that’s subject to so much controversy in the United States. I mean whenever Obamacare was still in the bill phase, it was under such intense opposition that it formed the Tea Party. Now Obamacare doesn’t provide universal healthcare nor was it intended to. Yet, I supported the legislation anyway because I felt that it offered the kind of healthcare reform my country greatly needed despite that I didn’t think the ACA went far enough. Nevertheless, it disgusts me that there are some people in the United States who vehemently oppose universal healthcare so much that they go to great lengths to extinguish any attempt to reform an already broken healthcare system that comes on the congressional docket. So far, Obamacare is now the subject of another Supreme Court case, this time on federal subsidies to states on the federal exchange. Of course, hearing the ads on federal subsidies from the UPMC commercials on the radio, I think it’s very unlikely that the libertarian lawyers of King v. Burwell will have their way, but I could be wrong. Not only that, but since Republicans have taken control of Congress in 2011, the US House has tried to repeal Obamacare over 40 times, which I think is a shame.

I know that a lot of Americans think about universal healthcare and I don’t expect anyone to change their minds. I know that this post will be filled with points that may spark outrage or perhaps inflammatory comments but I think they need to be said nonetheless. Yet, understand that what I mean by “universal healthcare” I mean a non-profit healthcare system providing quality affordable service to all Americans. Now I don’t think a universal healthcare will solve all the US health system’s problems (and there are lots), but I think it would be a system the American people would be much happier with than the one we have now. While the number of uninsured has declined from 50 million since the late 2000s, I still think that even one uninsured American is far too many. However, here I list several of the reasons why I support universal healthcare in the United States. I insist that anybody who reads this take a lot of thought into these points to see why I believe in what I do and that my support for universal healthcare doesn’t just stand on my liberal ideology alone.

1. Healthcare is a basic human right and there’s no reason why medical treatment should be denied to anyone too poor to pay for it– to me the issue of universal healthcare isn’t about giving social entitlements to poor people. Rather it’s a moral issue of human rights and I’ve always believed that a for-profit healthcare system doesn’t adhere to this and has a history of discriminating against the poor and ill. I believe that every American should have a right to healthcare even if they are lazy unemployed moochers on welfare or undocumented immigrants because it’s the simply right thing to do. No sick person deserves to be turned away from medical treatment for any reason. Even though the US doesn’t recognize healthcare as a human right, the international community does and so do most religious groups. So yes, I do believe I’m entitled to healthcare just because I’m a human being as well as to everyone else.

This is a 2011 infographic from Amnesty International pertaining to the maternity care situation in the United States, especially when it comes to infant and maternal mortality. Now if there's any reason why someone who's pro-life should support universal healthcare, it's this. The findings are disturbing.

This is a 2011 infographic from Amnesty International pertaining to the maternity care situation in the United States, especially when it comes to infant and maternal mortality. Now if there’s any reason why someone who’s pro-life should support universal healthcare, it’s this. The findings are disturbing.

2. The Abortion Issue– now as a Catholic feminist, I may not consider myself as wholly pro-life or pro-choice (though this position is consistent with most Americans if you really think about it, but let’s not go there). However, whether you believe in an unborn child’s right to life or a woman’s right to choose whether to terminate a pregnancy, we should all get on board with the idea that all pregnant women who choose life should have access to pre-natal care regardless of their ability to pay as I fervently do. There is nothing pro-life or pro-choice about denying pregnant women access to affordable healthcare, especially it could save her unborn child’s life as well as prevent her from seeking an abortion in the first place. The fact many pro-lifers tend to be conservatives who’ve been fighting to deny pregnant women access to affordable healthcare which is completely inexcusable (and the fact pro-choicers tend to be less vocal about it as well). Whenever a pregnant woman is denied access to affordable pre-natal care due to being too poor or uninsured, her unborn child’s right to life is denied as well. When a woman seeks an abortion because she can’t afford to seek medical treatment for possible life-threatening complications also denies her right to choose as well. In many ways, denying affordable healthcare access is simply an unforgivable crime against humanity that should never be acceptable and perhaps even less justifiable than abortion. Add to that the fact that the US has a high infant and maternal mortality rate compared to other First World nations while nations with universal healthcare have lower abortion rates. Thus, whatever side you’re on in the abortion issue, guaranteed healthcare access to all should be non-negotiable.

3. Getting a job with employee based health insurance is no longer a guarantee– say what you want about Obamacare, but this is a good reason why it’s worth protecting. Since the Recession, the chances of someone finding a job with employee based health benefits is no longer a guarantee, especially if you’re a Millennial whose chances of getting a job with health benefits by 26 are slim (as well as the fact that most people uninsured usually live in a situation in which they or a member of their families have a job that either offer no health benefits or aren’t eligible for their employee plan). This can never be more apparent since the future of work is in the service sector which mostly consist of low-income jobs that don’t offer healthcare benefits or at least an adequate healthcare package. And even if you do have a job with benefits, this doesn’t mean you’re quite out of the woods. After all,  losing your job might result in you losing your health insurance. This can happen more often than you think since it’s very likely you’ll need to switch jobs more than a few times in your adult life. And you don’t always know how long it would before you can get another job. At least Obamacare provides a viable option for affordable healthcare for those facing an unpredictable economic future like myself since it stays with you after you sign up (or it’s supposed to). As a Millennial, living without health insurance is one of my deepest fears. I pray to God that the Supreme Court at least has the decency to rule in favor of the federal subsidies for King v. Burwell since I live in a state that doesn’t have a state exchange nor a Medicaid expansion as far as I know as of 2015. And, yes, I do plan to sign up for Obamacare when I reach that age since the federal exchange is now my only option for affordable healthcare once I reach my 26th birthday.

Here are some statistics from the National Research Center detailing what services the uninsured do without because of the cost whether it's getting a test, skipping a prescription, or putting off a doctor's visit.

Here are some statistics from the National Research Center detailing what services the uninsured do without because of the cost whether it’s getting a test, skipping a prescription, or putting off a doctor’s visit.

4. Everyone needs healthcare and being uninsured has devastating consequences– since we’re all human beings, we all need healthcare since we’re not invincible and you never know when you’ll be facing a medical emergency. Being uninsured can lead to a lot of devastating consequences individuals and families alike, which nobody wants to face. When uninsured, people are just one serious illness or injury away from losing their homes, their life savings and income, as well as their lives. Uninsurance also leads to high medical bills as well as possible denial of treatment, too. Thus, having an individual mandate should be a no brainer.

Here are some statistics from the US Department of Health and Human Services measuring healthcare spending from 2009. The pie on the left shows where the money comes from while the pie on the right shows where the money goes.

Here are some statistics from the US Department of Health and Human Services measuring healthcare spending from 2009. The pie on the left shows where the money comes from while the pie on the right shows where the money goes.

5. Conditions in the healthcare system were complete hell before Obamacare– Whether you love or hate Obamacare, most Americans would agree that our healthcare system may not be ideal, but it’s still better than under the Bush Administration. We should all remember that before Obamacare, it wasn’t uncommon for people to be denied health insurance because of a preexisting condition (at least legally). It was also common for people to lose their insurance (and/or job) when faced with a medical emergency or at least be faced with paying an exorbitant amount of money. And it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s just say, while Americans may not see eye to eye on Obamacare, most wouldn’t want to return to the US healthcare system under the Bush years.

This is a graph from that National Business Group on Health explaining the rate of medical cost increases from 1999 to 2014. Note how it's dropped at its lowest rate in 15 years.

This is a graph from that National Business Group on Health explaining the rate of medical cost increases from 1999 to 2014. Note how it’s dropped at its lowest rate in 15 years.

6. Like education, individuals with healthcare are able to contribute more productively to the workforce than those who don’t– there may be a lot of complaints from conservatives that universal healthcare will only make the hardworking rich pay for the lazy poor on welfare. However, like education, individuals with healthcare contribute more productively to the workforce because they’re more likely to lead healthier lives and miss work much less. Besides, in the event of an injury or illness, the sooner a person receives medical treatment the more likely he or she will be able to work again. If an illness or injury goes untreated, the more likely a person will end up disabled with a chronic health condition or untimely dead. Those who are poor and disabled usually seek out public assistance because nobody’s going to hire them anytime soon. The fact the vast majority of people on welfare are either disabled or under 18 should illustrate this. Not only that, but their chronic condition could also limit their ability to lead a healthier lifestyle. Thus, while healthy individuals with health insurance usually can find work, unhealthy people without insurance are usually stuck in poverty because their chronic health conditions simply make them unemployable.

Here's an infographic from Atlanta Health showing the costs of the uninsured to hospitals, doctors, and other providers in 2012 according to state.

Here’s an infographic from Atlanta Health showing the costs of the uninsured to hospitals, doctors, and other providers in 2012 according to state.

7. Taxpayers spend a lot of money on treating the poor already– while those living in poverty are more likely to be uninsured, they’re also more prone to adverse life threatening health conditions or injuries, seek medical treatment when it’s too late, and receive care in the emergency room when things go from bad to worse. Whenever an uninsured person is treated in the ER, it’s likely to cause healthcare costs and premiums to rise for the insured as well by $922 for families (this before Obamacare). Not to mention, poorer people are more likely to work jobs in adverse conditions as well as have worse health habits and be victims of gun violence. And when it comes to gun violence, taxpayers shoulder about 80% of the medical costs mostly because victims are more likely to be from a group that’s heavily uninsured or on Medicaid. This amounts to billions of dollars. Still, while critics say that universal healthcare will lead to poor people mooching off taxpayers, Americans are basically paying for poor people’s medical treatment now as we speak. And the fact that many of them don’t have insurance is part of the reason. Oh, and when these people go on Medicare, taxpayers pay the bill for those who may be suffering a lot of chronic health conditions brought by illness and injury that could’ve been treated years ago.

This is from a 2011 infographic on the consequences of being uninsured in the United States and shows what could happen to those people such as an undetected serious condition, disability, and early death.

This is from a 2011 infographic on the consequences of being uninsured in the United States and shows what could happen to those people such as an undetected serious condition, disability, and early death.

8. If a poor homeless bum can be uninsured, then so can you– whether it’s being unable to afford insurance, dropped coverage from the insurance company, or job loss, if a poor person is uninsured, then it affects your access to affordable healthcare. This is especially true, when poor people visit the emergency room because it’s the only place in the hospital that would take them. And it’s usually the insured who pay for their treatment as well as contributes to high healthcare costs since emergency care is extremely expensive and with unpredictable cost. The higher healthcare prices rise, the more likely people are going to end up uninsured. If the healthcare system treated the poor in the way it treats the insured (like regular checkups, follow-up visits, etc.), healthcare costs may not have gotten this bad.

Here are even some more statistics from the 2011 infographic on the costs of being uninsured in America such as early death, multiple ER visits, and unpaid medical bills.

Here are even some more statistics from the 2011 infographic on the costs of being uninsured in America such as early death, multiple ER visits, and unpaid medical bills.

9. Treating the poor in the Emergency Room makes hospitals less likely to adequately treat patients in truly emergency situations– all too often in the United States, Emergency Rooms usually serve as places that treat the uninsured since they can’t turn anyone away. Most of the time when the uninsured have a serious condition, they will simply not seek any medical attention until it gets substantially worse. Not to mention, there are some patients who aren’t experiencing actual emergencies and those who’d be better served in a non-acute setting. These patients are usually there because they’re uninsured. This leaves ERs basically overused, overcrowded, and with an overstressed staff which would inhibit their effectiveness in treating ER patients with real life threatening conditions, insured or not. Thus, when uninsured flood the emergency room, quality emergency care is compromised.

This is a chart from Forbes magazine comparing the quality of US healthcare to that of 10 other countries as well as the costs. By the way, the US is the only country on this chart that doesn't have Universal Healthcare. Not to mention, this magazine isn't run by liberals.

This is a chart from Forbes magazine comparing the quality of US healthcare to that of 10 other countries as well as the costs. By the way, the US is the only country on this chart that doesn’t have Universal Healthcare. Not to mention, this magazine isn’t run by liberals.

10. A lot of other industrialized countries have Universal Healthcare, most of which have better health systems than the United States– the US doesn’t have the best healthcare system in the world and one of the few industrialized countries that doesn’t have a universal healthcare system. Meanwhile, other countries have managed to have ways to guarantee universal affordable health care to all their citizens and their people are much healthier (though their systems may have their share of unique problems and challenges). The British have a National Health Service which is a point of national pride in the UK and spend half as much on healthcare as we do. While Japan is known for a high cost of living, their health services are comparatively cheap and you always know what you’re paying for. Taiwan and Canada have government run health systems while France, Germany, and Switzerland don’t (though their systems are non-profit while Switzerland’s healthcare plan is modeled after Hillary Clinton’s 1994 healthcare plan that didn’t pass Congress). Still, even the most conservative people in those countries are much more satisfied with their healthcare system than even Obamacare’s harshest critics are with ours. The United States spends more on healthcare than any other industrialized nation and affordable access is still denied. When tourists get sick in the country, they often find themselves getting medical bills that cost an extraordinary amount of money such as the Canadian woman slapped with a million dollars for having a child in Hawaii. This is unacceptable.

11. The United States provides a lot of taxpayer funded services– these include free public education, highways, fire department, police, national parks, historical preservation, national defense, public libraries, banking protections, postal service, water utilities, mass transit, emergency services in environmental and national disasters, and so many more. So why should paying for healthcare be any different? Thus, there should be no reason why universal healthcare isn’t unconstitutional.

This graph is from the Huffington Post pertaining to how much health care costs have increased since the 1960s, which they say is a staggering 818% while the GDP and wages not so much. This might be biased but it helps show why the US health system was in dire need of reform by Obamacare.

This graph is from the Huffington Post pertaining to how much health care costs have increased since the 1960s, which they say is a staggering 818% while the GDP and wages not so much. This might be biased but it helps show why the US health system was in dire need of reform by Obamacare.

12. For-profit healthcare isn’t what it’s cracked up to be– sure you may hear libertarians say that an unregulated free market helps everyone. However, while health insurance companies may give some people choice in their own health plans, it only extends to those who are able to afford it or the wealthy. Those who aren’t rich may be compelled to choose a different plan which doesn’t allow them good access to services as well as charges exorbitantly high premiums. Before Obamacare, many health insurance companies dropped sick people or denied sick people insurance due to preexisting conditions. Those insured would have to pick the providers from those the insurance company would cover and would accept your policy (this is still the case, by the way). Those with employee health insurance plans usually have to go with the option the employer provides and are usually one lay off away from losing it. Then there’s the lifetime and annual limits insurance companies would impose on people as well as charging women more than men. Not what I call consumer choice.

13. Nobody wants to get rid of Medicare and Tricare– Tricare and Medicare are single payer healthcare programs that provide services for people over 65 and military veterans. And though both may have their problems, we have to understand that they are very popular. Even people who don’t believe in universal healthcare would admit that government should take care of our veterans and elderly. In fact, many of Obamacare’s opponents might even be on them.

This pie chart from the Kaiser Family Foundation shows why some uninsured adults in America go without health insurance with not being able to afford it the main reason at 32%.

This pie chart from the Kaiser Family Foundation shows why some uninsured adults in America go without health insurance with not being able to afford it the main reason at 32%.

14. For-profit healthcare is discriminatory, costly, and unsustainable– we need to face that a for-profit health care not only costs Americans and the government billions, but also excludes a lot of Americans from accessing healthcare as well as makes it unaffordable for even those with insurance. The very fact that healthcare has become so expensive has led to most personal bankruptcies as well as is leading more companies to drop their employee healthcare plans. Furthermore, it’s also the main reason why it’s so hard to start a business and why small businesses have a hard time hiring workers. And while for-profit healthcare may have competition, it’s now the main reason for higher health prices because the insurance companies are focused on higher short term profits and administrative costs. Thus, for-profit healthcare is economically unsustainable.

15. Opposition to universal healthcare is mostly on ideological grounds– now while there is tremendous opposition against universal healthcare in the United States, it has absolutely nothing to do with how they feel about the healthcare system nor how they feel about services like Medicare and Tricare. I did a poll once on the US healthcare system for my high school civics class and found out that even those who opposed universal healthcare were just as likely to be unsatisfied with the US healthcare system as those who supported it (this, back in 2008). People who oppose universal healthcare usually try to make the issue about social entitlements to the poor as well as an issue of free market capitalism, equating it with “socialized medicine,” and big government “nanny state.” However, if you ask whether the government should provide healthcare to our veterans and senior citizens, even the most hardened conservatives would find it difficult to say no. This is especially true if you consider the fact a lot of senior citizens and veterans make up the conservative base and watch Fox News. So most of the opposition against universal healthcare is strictly ideological.

16. Money driven medicine doesn’t equal good quality care-In the United States, the healthcare system is arranged in a “fee for service” model which doctors get paid for providing services regardless of treatment outcome. It’s not unusual in the United States for doctors to prescribe treatments to patients that could possibly do nothing or be harmful and could hurt their quality of life. We need to understand that what makes a good business model doesn’t always translate into the quality a business has to offer, especially if it pertains to a business that’s supposed to save lives. Sure the insurance company makes money from treatments but so do the drug companies, hospitals, as well as those who make medical instruments and devices. But the fact medical malpractice in America is so common that medical errors kill more Americans per year than car wrecks that it’s big business as well. The people who the healthcare industry makes the most money off of isn’t the richest patients, but the sickest ones, which is why many seniors suffer greatly as they approach the end of their lives. In fact, said that 30,000 Americans die due to “overtreatment” each year as well. Add to that Americans spend more on healthcare than anyone else in the world on a system that discriminates the poor, you can see why nobody in the United States is satisfied with the healthcare they receive.

17. Free market economics don’t lead to greater cost control and effectiveness– despite what many universal healthcare opponents, conservatives, and libertarians may say, free market economics doesn’t necessarily make goods and services any cheaper. Now the healthcare system is driven by two market forces known as demand and the need to make greater profits than the previous year. This is the main reason why healthcare prices increase in the first place. Despite the economic recession that took hold in 2008, health insurance companies increased their profits by 56% in 2009 alone while between 2000-2006 as workers’ wages increased 3.8%, healthcare premiums rose 87%. In 2009, the top 5 health insurance companies in America ended up with a combined profit of $12.2 billion with their executives receiving as much as $200 million in total compensation. While the healthcare system operates on profit motives and competition, we still have people uninsured and costs are out of control as we speak. So much for free market economics.

18. The ER and medical services designed to help the poor are no substitute for having a PCP– a common myth about healthcare in America cited by many universal healthcare opponents is that being uninsured doesn’t mean they can’t receive healthcare for they can go to the ER and that there are plenty of government and private medical practices helping the uninsured. Sure it may be illegal to turn away people from the ER but such care doesn’t provide adequate care to most serious conditions, especially if they were previously undiagnosed. If the uninsured are unable to pay for care in full (which is 2.5 times more than what people with insurance pay), they’re often turned away when they seek follow-up care for urgent medical conditions. Treating a chronic condition requires much more medical care than an Emergency Room visit and lack of follow-ups attributed to being uninsured can delay detection of certain cancers that lead to adverse outcomes. As for the medical providers who do treat the uninsured, how in the hell is an uninsured person supposed to find them? In the US, the term “non-profit hospital” is basically a joke. Besides, free and discounted health services aren’t a common thing. In the US, if you can’t afford a regular source of healthcare like a PCP, then you’re medically screwed.

A 2013 survey from the Kaiser Family Foundation show that 2/3 of Americans regardless of coverage status are worried about being unable to pay their medical bills in the event of a serious accident/illness. Even being insured doesn't provide that security from medical bill troubles.

A 2013 survey from the Kaiser Family Foundation show that 2/3 of Americans regardless of coverage status are worried about being unable to pay their medical bills in the event of a serious accident/illness. Even being insured doesn’t provide that security from medical bill troubles.

19. There’s nothing more stressful in America as unpaid medical bills-in the United States, being concerned with how much you’ll have to pay for medical treatments for serious illnesses, injuries, and/or childbirth isn’t an unusual thing, even if you have health insurance. Since uninsured patients are charged 2.5 times more for care than their insured counterparts, it’s particularly scary for them to think that they’re once serious illness away from death, disability, or financial ruin. Most uninsured usually postpone needed care because they’re simply not confident they could pay for it. 2004 statistics say that they’re over twice as likely to report problems paying medical bills and are almost 3 times as likely to be contacted by a collection agency about them. Even if you have insurance, there’s no guarantee that your coverage will cover the costs that your medical bills demand, even if you’re on an employee-based plan. The fact that more Americans are becoming, “underinsured” really shows that healthcare is becoming less affordable by the year. No sick person in America should worry about paying medical bills once they get better. Add to the fact that more personal bankruptcies in America are caused by medical bills.

A 2014 stat by Vox that says about 201,000 Americans are killed every year due to medical errors that most healthcare providers try to avoid.

A 2014 stat by Vox that says about 201,000 Americans are killed every year due to medical errors that most healthcare providers try to avoid.

20. Medical treatment is more focused on insurance procedures and malpractice liability– as a for-profit system insurance procedures and malpractice liability have a lot of influence on how doctors treat patients. Forbes has reported that 92% of clinicians admit to making some medical decisions based on avoiding lawsuits, as opposed to the best interests of their patients. Patients put a lot of trust in their doctors for a lot of understandable reasons. Most patients want to feel that doctors will think of their best interests and make recommendations to their well-being accordingly. In money driven medicine (a.k.a. for-profit healthcare), you can’t always be sure that caregivers and patients will decide what’s best for the patient’s health. Sometimes decisions are made due to insurance procedures and perhaps on avoiding malpractice lawsuits, which cost lots of money as well as could possibly lead to a doctor losing his or her medical license. Sometimes doctors suggests the treatment that would get the most money, not what the patient needs. In fact, much of the healthcare industry makes its money by having patients spend exorbitant amounts on tests and scans they don’t actually need. Regardless of what doctors think about universal healthcare, most would rather just treat people without having to worry about interference from the medical billing department or the insurance company.

A 2012 infographic from NPR shows that while 56% of Americans have health insurance through their employers, 1 in 3 Americans are in a family that has trouble paying medical bills. Let that sink in.

A 2012 infographic from NPR shows that while 56% of Americans have health insurance through their employers, 1 in 3 Americans are in a family that has trouble paying medical bills. Let that sink in.

21. Most Americans are unsatisfied with the US healthcare system– despite what many people on Fox News may tell you, even the most diehard opponents of Obamacare can admit that the US healthcare system isn’t the best in the world. There are tons of healthcare horror stories in America such as people being charged high bills for cancer treatment, people meeting untimely ends due to not having insurance or the insurance not paying for treatment, dying due to receiving too much treatment, being denied for a preexisting condition, and so much more. About all the documentaries on the US healthcare system I’ve seen, Michael Moore’s Sicko was about the easiest to watch while the Bill Moyers Journal feature of “Money Driven Medicine” during the Obamacare debates was about the hardest. Now these documentaries may have varying degrees of accuracy but there are many Americans have or know someone who’s been screwed the US healthcare system which may range from frustrating to downright devastating. While there may be great contention on whether to have universal healthcare or reform healthcare at all, most Americans can agree that the for-profit healthcare system right now simply isn’t working.

22. Even healthy people can develop serious problems that need treatment– another argument against universal healthcare is that it would make healthy people who take care of themselves pay for burden of those with unhealthy lifestyles. However, while a healthy lifestyle can add years to your life, it’s no guarantee that you’ll live a long and healthy life, which may have more to do with family history and environmental hazards neither of which people have control over. You might also get injured in an accident or get shot at, which also needs serious medical attention. And even some people’s unhealthy lifestyles might also have a lot to do with factors beyond their control like having to work more than one job, occupational hazards, living in a poor neighborhood without a grocery store, bad upbringing, poverty, inadequate education, genetics, and others. Also, there are plenty of children who have serious health conditions as well as disabilities that need medical attention. Should they be denied? Not to mention, seniors and veterans aren’t the healthiest individuals in American society, so should we not pay taxes for their healthcare? I know this may be a bit extreme but we need to understand that there are times when bad health has very little to do with bad lifestyle choices alone. We try not to let natural disasters ruin people’s lives. Why should healthcare be any different?

23. We pay more of a price for not treating people when they should be– I know plenty of people complain about the healthcare system and think that we’ll pay more if we let poor people receive adequate medical treatment. For the uninsured the only outlet of medical care is basically the ER and a visit there is much more expensive than a routine visit to the PCP. Yet, since most PCPs only take insured patients, most uninsured don’t have this option and will postpone necessary treatment for serious illnesses because they simply can’t afford it. As a result, uninsured patients are more likely to be admitted into the ER with an undiagnosed late stage illness than an insured person would. Since an uninsured patient will probably be turned down for follow up, he or she will likely end up readmitted into the Emergency Room multiple times until they die prematurely. The costs add up as well as passed to consumers and insurance companies to foot. People who see a regular care provider are more likely to have any serious illness detected in the early stages as well as be treated for it as soon as possible. When it comes to serious illnesses or injuries, having a regular care provider can result in fewer hospital stays as well as Emergency Room visits, which can save a lot of money in the long term. In addition, providing preventative care to all Americans also saves a lot of costs down the line as well.

24. Most Americans support universal healthcare-despite how vocal Obamacare opponents could get, two thirds of Americans support a universal healthcare system while 90% at least believe that our healthcare system should be reformed. While it’s seen as a mostly Democratic issue, it has support among health care officials, religious leaders, and other major organizations. So this is an issue with a large amount of popular support. The fact that the United States is one of the few industrialized countries without universal healthcare is more due to party politics, healthcare being a multi-billion dollar business, and special interest lobbying. Still, if that’s not a reason for universal healthcare, then I don’t know what is.

Graph on hospital openings and closures between 2000 to 2012. Of course, these numbers only pertain to those participating in Medicare. But then again, most US hospitals do anyway.

Graph on hospital openings and closures between 2000 to 2012. Of course, these numbers only pertain to those participating in Medicare. But then again, most US hospitals do anyway. Yet, while they still happen not that it was a much bigger problem before Obamacare as this graph shows.

25. High medical costs have led to hospitals being shut down and less services to access-Now  I know that hospitals are big players in the healthcare system. Yet, in recent years, the rise of healthcare costs and uninsured during the Bush years has led to a lot of medical establishments being shut down since they can’t measure up to their competitors or couldn’t get enough patients. This has not only created less available healthcare services, it’s also led to job loss and economically devastated communities, especially if it’s the establishment that keeps the town going. This results in people having to travel further for services and longer lines. A for-profit healthcare system may seem like a good business plan in theory, but it also gives hospitals more of an incentive to make profits, which shouldn’t be its main priority. This is why medical costs rise, which makes healthcare less affordable. When healthcare is less affordable, then hospitals receive less patients. This leads many hospitals into a financial loss and eventual shut down. What’s even worse is that many hospital shutdowns happen in the poorest communities with the sickest patients, which is a terrible shame. When there are less services, it’s another reason for high health care costs and more limited availability.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Second Edition)

dsotmcover

Last February, I did a post on vintage album covers that have been a great success. So with January being what it is on not having much material and the fact I’ve basically no ideas for an epic post series, I decided to do another edition. Of course, I’ve done subsequent editions on postcards and book covers so why not? Not to mention, I even did an album covers Christmas edition as well. Nevertheless, you can understand the significance of what album covers can do for the albums they promote. We’ll always remember Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album because of it’s picture of a prism forming a rainbow on a beam of light is what makes this piece of rock memorabilia (along with the songs). However, if you’re someone who expects to see the great album covers, then I think you better go somewhere else on the internet like Ebay or Amazon since this post to some of the great album art disasters in music history. Some may be bad due to bad and outdated fashion sense. Some may due to photoshop and weird photo ops. Others simply because the record company didn’t have the budget. There may be a lot of reasons like causing offense. But the reason I post such terrible album covers because many of them tend to be unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a collection of vintage album covers that really haven’t held too well to say the least. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Mike Pacheco: Bongo Date with Mike Pacheco

So let me get this straight. Is it that bongo players only prefer hookers? Or is it that only hookers prefer bongo players? Either way, it kind of seems geared to people who hate Beatniks. Then again, bongo players aren't really seen as desirable dates.

So let me get this straight. Is it that bongo players only prefer hookers? Or is it that only hookers prefer bongo players? Either way, it kind of seems geared to people who hate Beatniks. Then again, bongo players aren’t really seen as desirable dates.

After a night playing bongos during a poetry session at the local Beatnik bar at Greenwich Village, bongo boy Mike has a smoke near a lamp post before hitting the hay with a pantiless call girl named Giselle. Of course, he’s dead broke by the next morning.

2. Rock n’ Roll Party: Oldies and Goodies

I can't imagine any teen wanting to be seen with this album. Nor could I see any parent buying it for their kids since it may cause boys to do Riverdance and float as well as girls lose their shoes and have their dresses fly by. Then again, the designer was probably on LSD at the time.

I can’t imagine any teen wanting to be seen with this album. Nor could I see any parent buying it for their kids since it may cause boys to do Riverdance and float as well as girls lose their shoes and have their dresses fly by. Then again, the designer was probably on LSD at the time.

Finally, an album for the teen rock fan given by the relatives who have no idea what rock music is and perhaps gave them the possible 1960s equivalent to a Kidz Bop album. Either that, or an album of rock n’ roll favorites not performed by the original artists. Still, a very corny cover.

3. Adolfo Waltzman and his Hula Hoopers: Hula Hoop!

I don't know about you but hula hooping with no hands or neck is pretty impressive now that I think about it. And that guy is even using 3 of them.

I don’t know about you but hula hooping with no hands or neck is pretty impressive now that I think about it. And that guy is even using 3 of them.

Finally, an album containing music I can do the hula hoop with. Just what I needed (sarcasm).

4. Ernie Coombs: Mr. Dressup

Now this album is from a Canadian children's show by the same name that ran from 1967 to 1996. It bears a lot of similarities to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Yet, from the look of Mr. Dressup's face as he cheerfully saws his wooden plank, I sure don't want to be in his "Neighborhood of Make-Believe."

Now this album is from a Canadian children’s show by the same name that ran from 1967 to 1996. It bears a lot of similarities to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Yet, from the look of Mr. Dressup’s face as he cheerfully saws his wooden plank, I sure don’t want to be in his “Neighborhood of Make-Believe.” Also, the puppets are terrifying.

“Hello, kids, and welcome to my workshop. Don’t mind me working with the saw I could possibly cut you to pieces with. Oh, and by the way, those toys are either soulless or demon possessed. I’m not sure which.”

5. Sin Alley Vol. 1

Also, this album seems to be subjected to the same kind of advertising treatment you'd apply to a strip club, brothel, or sex dungeon. Then again, this might've been the designer's intention. Can't wait to hear the one about Kermit having an Ultimate Fighting sex orgy with 3 boobed green women from Mars.

Also, this album seems to be subjected to the same kind of advertising treatment you’d apply to a strip club, brothel, or sex dungeon. Then again, this might’ve been the designer’s intention. Can’t wait to hear the one about Kermit having an Ultimate Fighting sex orgy with 3 boobed green women from Mars. Bet Miss Piggy’s going to be pissed.

Finally, an album with 18 rockabilly blasters pertaining to everything a young man between the ages of 13 to 30 would love such as sex, lust, fighting, Martians, more sex, and frogs?

6. Saxomaniac: Sax Sounds

"For the last fucking time, if I ever hear that God awful castrated Bebpop and Fusion shit that sound like what I hear when I get a root canal, then I'll have to jump off a cliff! Oh, the horror! The horror!"

“For the last fucking time, if I ever hear that God awful castrated Bebpop and Fusion shit that sound like what I hear when I get a root canal, then I’ll have to jump off a cliff! Oh, the horror! The horror!”

Looks like this woman is a waitress at some kind of high end cocktail lounge. I mean she obviously has heard enough smooth jazz music in a lifetime to drive her utterly screaming with her eardrums bleeding. It’s a real tragic case.

7. Argentina Coral: Cante Gitano

I know that this woman is photographed for the album art to look sexy with the apparent make up job. However, she just reminds me of a stern Italian woman who's seething with rage after finding out her husband had slept with every other female in town, including her mother and sisters.

I know that this woman is photographed for the album art to look sexy with the apparent make up job. However, she just reminds me of a stern Italian woman who’s seething with rage after finding out her husband had slept with every other female in town, including her mother and sisters.

“All right, Mr. DeVille, I’m ready for my close up, even if you aren’t you no good son of a bitch.” Please don’t be a wax model of Amy Winehouse as if she would’ve been if she’d just go to rehab already. Sorry about that, Amy Winehouse fans.

8. Saventa Jovanovic: Lazno Je, Lazno, Sve Sto, Je Tvoje

This is from Yugoslavia, where I suppose the women had a different set of what I'd call, "grooming habits," than in other countries during the 1960s. Of course, this would've just come off as just as another piece of tacky 1960s fashion but the Mrs. Bigfoot legs make it all the more memorable.

This is from Yugoslavia, where I suppose the women had a different set of what I’d call, “grooming habits,” than in other countries during the 1960s. Of course, this would’ve just come off as just as another piece of tacky 1960s fashion but the Mrs. Bigfoot legs make it all the more memorable.

I’m sure sitting with her legs crossed in a short skirt won’t make it look like she’s like any other Eastern European with bad fashion sense.

9. Tozovac: Jeremija

Now I know many guys think that they'd look more badass being photographed near a humongous military tank. However, fellas, you might want to take note that having a big ass anti-aircraft gun between your legs, might make people think you're insecure with your masculinity.

Now I know many guys think that they’d look more badass being photographed near a humongous military tank. However, fellas, you might want to take note that having a big ass anti-aircraft gun between your legs, might make people think you’re insecure with your masculinity.

I suppose in the Eastern Bloc Era, it meant, “compensating for something” or “stop making fun of my penis.”

10. Don Costa’s Free Loaders: Music to Break a Sub-Lease

Seems like these people were evicted from their apartment while having a party. Looks like their jam party sessions have finally caught up to them that the landlord basically had to kick them out. That, and for not paying the rent of course.

Seems like these people were evicted from their apartment while having a party. Looks like their jam party sessions have finally caught up to them that the landlord basically had to kick them out. That, and for not paying the rent of course.

Hey, poor and homeless people need music, too, even this album just play songs you’d hear on the discount rack albums you’d find at the dollar store.

11. The Tattoos: Pops Go Trumpet

Still, what's with the double bells here. Looks freaky. Also, I wonder if a trumpeter needs to see a doctor if their trumpet's erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Also, what do you give a trumpet suffering from erectile dysfunction?

Still, what’s with the double bells here. Looks freaky. Also, I wonder if a trumpeter needs to see a doctor if their trumpet’s erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Also, what do you give a trumpet suffering from erectile dysfunction? Or is that none of my business?

Seems like a naked woman would lead to any horny trumpeter sporting an erection both on their instrument and in their pants.

12. Electronic Music

My sister attends VCU as as a commercial art student and would be horrified if she ever saw any crap like this. Seriously, looks as if some cartoon character took a dump on it.

My sister attends VCU as as a commercial art student and would be horrified if she ever saw any crap like this. Seriously, looks as if some cartoon character took a dump on it.

“A new concept of music, created by sonic vibrations” too bad the cover resembles something you’d find in a trash heap at a modern art museum. Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to be? Or do I just not understand the concept of “abstract” here?

13. Jack Fascinato: Music from a Surplus Store

What bugs me about this is that the woman on this album is obviously wealthy since she has a fur stole, something Audrey Hepburn would wear, and a guy to carry stuff she wants to buy. Not somebody I'd see at a surplus store. Then again, perhaps her husband lost a lot of money on Wall Street and is now in prison.

What bugs me about this is that the woman on this album is obviously wealthy since she has a fur stole, something Audrey Hepburn would wear, and a guy to carry stuff she wants to buy. Not somebody I’d see at a surplus store. Then again, perhaps her husband lost a lot of money on Wall Street and is now in prison.

Or as I call it, either music that’s outdated or totally crap or music not available on a CD you can rip onto Windows Media Player. Also, nowadays music you hear from a surplus store isn’t what I’d call “a basketful of new sounds.” That would be iTunes.

14. Jack McDuff: Sophisticated Funk

Of course, it's obvious that this one was made from 2 elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock. Still, contrary to what you know about the Middle Ages, most of such "medieval" artifact chastity belts turned out as fakes. More likely they were used as a 19th century device to keep boys from jerking off. Now they're used in BDSM.

Of course, it’s obvious that this one was made from 2 elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock. Still, contrary to what you know about the Middle Ages, most of such “medieval” artifact chastity belts turned out as fakes. More likely they were used as a 19th century device to keep boys from jerking off. Now they’re used in BDSM.

Featuring the latest model in chastity belt technology. For those paranoid husbands concerned about your nympho wife’s potential to cheat on you, this model comes with a  keypad lock with its own code.

15. Vintage album from South Korea. Can’t read the Asian characters for the artist or title (possibly the soundtrack to Planet of the Apes).

Love to hear Charlton Heston say, "Keep your stinking music off me, you damn, dirty ape!" Still, despite being inordinately hairy, they seem to have impeccable fashion sense, especially the one with the pimp cane.

Love to hear Charlton Heston say, “Keep your stinking music off me, you damn, dirty ape!” Still, despite being inordinately hairy, they seem to have impeccable fashion sense, especially the one with the pimp cane.

Strangely, after taking over Earth, the apes seemed to have a thriving music industry with the unfortunate side effect of producing just as crappy albums like their human predecessors from Planet of the Apes.

16. Lowell Mason an the Crusaders: Sing for God and Country

Of course, I know I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to calling dwarfs "midgets" (though my dad's more an offender) but despite it's amusing connotation, people with dwarfism don't like being called this. In fact, they consider "midget" as deeply offensive. Nevertheless, this guy seems to have the same poise as Peter Dinkledge from Game of Thrones.

Of course, I know I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to calling dwarfs “midgets” (though my dad’s more an offender) but despite it’s amusing connotation, people with dwarfism don’t like being called this. In fact, they consider “midget” as deeply offensive. Nevertheless, this guy seems to have the same poise as Peter Dinkledge from Game of Thrones.

Finally, a Christian album that celebrates man’s music while calling him by a very offensive term in the dwarfism community.

17. Mariachi Nuevo Tecalitan: Inolvidable El Charro del Misterioso Vol. 5

Another thing that disappointed me was the album featuring a woman holding a yellow rose and not seeing, "La Rosa Amarilla de Tejas" anywhere in the track listing. I mean, that would've been a perfect cover image for such a single.

Another thing that disappointed me was the album featuring a woman holding a yellow rose and not seeing, “La Rosa Amarilla de Tejas” anywhere in the track listing. I mean, that would’ve been a perfect cover image for such a single.

Now this title translates from Spanish as “Unforgettable: The Mysterious Horseman Vol. 5” which is a perfectly good title. However, I know Mexico takes pride in their luchador wrestlers and their costumes, but that guy just seems less of a “mysterious manly man” and more of a “bank robber.” Let’s just say, I’d more likely make a deposit in my pants if I saw him near where I cash in my checks.

18. Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford: Soundtrack to Salt and Pepper: Super Spy Hippy

Hate to say this, but Sammy Davis Jr. looks totally like a gangster in this with his bling, leather jacket, smoking his cigarette, and wielding an AK-47 while Lawford seems asking for cash.

Hate to say this, but Sammy Davis Jr. looks totally like a gangster in this with his bling, leather jacket, smoking his cigarette, and wielding an AK-47 while Lawford seems asking for cash.

Watch out, Commies, here comes the super spy guy with the glass eye! And his British friend and onetime JFK brother-in-law, Peter Lawford. Must’ve been a movie that sucked. By the way, directed by the same guy who brought you Lethal Weapon.

19. Elsa Popping and her Pixieland Band: Delirium in Hi-Fi

Okay, this family seems to have a guy humping a couch, a dead woman behind a sofa, and a guy on the far left with headphones hooked up to a girl's ass. Seems to make the Addams family look normal.

Okay, this family seems to have a guy humping a couch, a dead woman behind a sofa, and a guy on the far left with headphones hooked up to a girl’s ass. Seems to make the Addams family look normal. Not only that, but even the dog has his own pair, but they’re hooked up to the record player. There’s even a cover of this in color with a space ship near Earth.

Yes, what kind of music to listen to on a lazy evening around the record player with the folks?

20. Slim Goodbody: The Inside Story

Before he joined SCTV and SNL where he achieved fame as Ed Grimely, Canadian comedian Martin Short was once a performer in an afro known as "Slim Goodbody" who'd make educational albums for kids on the human body, covering all parts but the reproductive system.

Before he joined SCTV and SNL where he achieved fame as Ed Grimely, Canadian comedian Martin Short was once a performer in an afro known as “Slim Goodbody” who’d make educational albums for kids on the human body, covering all parts but the reproductive system.

I’ve heard of body suits but this is overdoing. I mean it’s not that it shows too little. It just shows way too much. Comes with, “Special bonus full color activity poster and lyric sheet.” Ugh.

21. Ludwig: Zither Soloist

Of course, when I hear zither music, I think of Joseph Cotten on the streets of war torn Vienna trying to find out what happened to Orson Welles who's been running a racket administrating diluted penicillin to sick children.

Of course, when I hear zither music, I think of Joseph Cotten on the streets of war torn Vienna trying to find out what happened to Orson Welles who’s been running a racket administrating diluted penicillin to sick children.

The therapist suggested role-playing, but Norma never understood Larry’s bare assed zither routine, especially in lederhosen.

22. Enoch Light: Spaced Out

I get that sex sells but I don't see how a tin foil Babarella bikini could be any comfortable to say the least. Seriously, why?

I get that sex sells but I don’t see how a tin foil Babarella bikini could be any comfortable to say the least. Seriously, why?

Looks like the album cover has been taking the brown acid at Woodstock for far too long.

23. Various Artists: The Wild Sounds of Satan’s Sadists

Of course, this is a soundtrack from a biker movie from the 1960s which wasn't Easy Rider an probably wasn't as good. I'm not sure about the soundtrack though.

Of course, this is a soundtrack from a biker movie from the 1960s which wasn’t Easy Rider an probably wasn’t as good. I’m not sure about the soundtrack though.

Okay, is it just me or do those red bikers guy seem to be peeing on smaller version of themselves?

24. Steve Karmen: Music to the Motion Picture What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?

From the San Diego Reader: "The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady - how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan's Sadists can say...."

From the San Diego Reader: “The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady – how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan’s Sadists can say….”

“Now Sally has lent her services to the medical school by exposing herself to the class on today’s lesson on female sexuality and the reproductive system. I expect all of you to be on your best behavior.”

25. Little Richard Miller: Jesus Use Me

Also, plays bass by the way. Still, are they also saying that he drives a tour bus, too? And if so, did he hit a fire hydrant or what?

Also, plays bass by the way. Still, are they also saying that he drives a tour bus, too? And if so, did he hit a fire hydrant or what? Not to mention, the Jesus picture in the corner just freaks me out.

I don’t know about you, but regardless of how inspirational they make it out to be, I just find the idea of a person playing keyboard with no limbs quite terrifying if you ask me.

26. Lionel Blair: Aerobic Dancing

Okay, well, I've seen my mom and sister watch aerobics videos and DVDs since I was a kid and that album cover reflects why I'd just avoid them like the plague whenever I could. Just let me go for a walk or bike ride, thank you very much.

Okay, well, I’ve seen my mom and sister watch aerobics videos and DVDs since I was a kid and that album cover reflects why I’d just avoid them like the plague whenever I could. Just let me go for a walk or bike ride, thank you very much. Still, Key and Peele did a great parody of the 1980s aerobic fitness craze in one of their sketches.

Nothing makes a typical 1980s aerobics album than a helmet haired guy with a goofy smile, tube socks, and horrendously short shorts many would consider hot pants. Also does aerobic instruction to the E. T. theme song, what the hell?

27. Bell: Do You Ever Get Lonely?

I'm sure this woman gets lonely a lot these days. Hardly anyone seems to understand the art of painting cow skulls for interior decorating. Seriously, what the hell?

I’m sure this woman gets lonely a lot these days. Hardly anyone seems to understand the art of painting cow skulls for interior decorating. Seriously, what the hell? This is probably a country music album.

Let’s see a big haired 1980s woman in a model pose with a large colorful skull of a horned cow she might’ve slaughtered. Talk about having a twisted craft hobbies. Painting cow skulls is one of the creepiest.

28. The McDonald Sisters: I’ve Got Confidence

Sometimes confidence is a positive attribute. And sometimes it can be seriously misguided as in this case. Seriously, those pink dresses are hideous.

Sometimes confidence is a positive attribute. And sometimes it can be seriously misguided as in this case. Seriously, those pink dresses are hideous.

And I sure have confidence that having these girls take their picture in knitted pink dresses was probably not a good idea. I’m sure nobody behind the scenes shared their confidence because the title’s in quotes.

29. Heino: Heino

Okay, I don't know about you, but I fear for the dogs' safety if they had an owner like that. Still, since 1966, he's been one of Germany's most successful recording artists selling 50 million albums and still going strong. Also been married 3 times. He's even creepier without his glasses. Still, he must have something since he's put out a lot of albums with terrible covers.

Okay, I don’t know about you, but I fear for the dogs’ safety if they had an owner like that. Still, since 1966, he’s been one of Germany’s most successful recording artists selling 50 million albums and still going strong. Also been married 3 times. He’s even creepier without his glasses. Still, he must have something since he’s put out a lot of albums with terrible covers.

Oh, creepy German Heino, I can never forget you in a post like this. Now this one shows him as an avid dog lover in his darkened shades with his 3 poodles. What can be more heartwarming than that?

30. Kimya Dawson and Friends: Alphabutt

Of course, this isn't really a vintage album cover since ti came out in 2007. But I'm going to leave it in anyway since it's just so freaky and hilarious.

Of course, this isn’t really a vintage album cover since ti came out in 2007. But I’m going to leave it in anyway since it’s just so freaky and hilarious. I don’t care what’s on the record. Just want to know how this cover was produced.

Nothing makes a great educational album for the kids than one that teaches the alphabet with animals farting the letters. Seems like the rabbit can rip out the most.

31. Ted Cassidy: The Lurch

From San Diego Reader: "I have to admit, I'm dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter "You Rang?" in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his - WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w "Wesley"???"

From San Diego Reader: “I have to admit, I’m dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter “You Rang?” in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his – WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w “Wesley”???” Perhaps he should do an album with Vin Diesel as Groot if he’s still alive. Probably not.

Oh, my God, I didn’t know Lurch had an album. Wonder if it’s just him singing with “You rang?” which is all he said on the show. Seriously, this might be worth hearing.

32. Lena Zavaroni: Ma! He’s Making Eyes at Me

I don't know about you but it seems that this girl has some sort of demonic glint in her eyes. It's as if she wants to take a knife and murder the audience once she's done singing.

I don’t know about you but it seems that this girl has some sort of demonic glint in her eyes. It’s as if she wants to take a knife and murder the audience once she’s done singing.

As if the title was creepy enough, she’s dressed like Barbie Benton and fellating the mic. Then again, maybe it’s just the lighting done to her stage mother’s designation.

33. Trever Daniels: Time Was

Then again, it's probably just photoshop. Or that such keyboards are really that big but I highly doubt it since my grandparents used to own an organ like this before getting a synthesizer.

Then again, it’s probably just photoshop. Or that such keyboards are really that big but I highly doubt it since my grandparents used to own an organ like this before getting a synthesizer.

Is it just me or does that guy seem a bit too big to be on the organ?

34. The Scorpions: Moment of Glory

Now if she could have a tiara, it would be perfect. Still, at least the Scorpions have come a long way with cover design once featuring naked pre-adolescent girls and melting human flesh. Still, it's as laughable as it's terrible.

Now if she could have a tiara, it would be perfect. Still, at least the Scorpions have come a long way with cover design once featuring naked pre-adolescent girls and melting human flesh. Still, it’s as laughable as it’s terrible.

Now I could tell that this is a female Tyrannosaurus Rex since she’s all decked out in her regal jewels and finery. Thus, she’s a real Queen of the Tyrants, a Tyrannosaurus Regina if you will.

35. E’ Lei: I Cugini di Campagna

What's even funnier is that 2 of these guys have afros and all have platform shoes on. Of course, since Italians love dressing in fine clothes, it's probably no surprise that these polyester suits were made by some designer and didn't come cheap.

What’s even funnier is that 2 of these guys have afros and all have platform shoes on. Of course, since Italians love dressing in fine clothes, it’s probably no surprise that these polyester suits were made by some designer and didn’t come cheap.

Nothing says Italian disco than guys in silver jumpsuits and multicolored light beams.

36. Eddie Mack: Live at the Open Sandwich Club

Seriously, how could they get away with this in the 1960s? Still, seems that Eddie Mack has that stupid grin on his face as if he's saying, "fanservice, simply fanservice." Nevertheless, she's probably there to give him a lap dance.

Seriously, how could they get away with this in the 1960s? Still, seems that Eddie Mack has that stupid grin on his face as if he’s saying, “fanservice, simply fanservice.” Nevertheless, she’s probably there to give him a lap dance.

I suppose the Open Sandwich Club was a nudie bar as indicated by the naked woman on the piano.

37. Riot: Rock City

Of course, this is consistent with Riot's environmental message concerning the welfare of baby seals. Be nice to them or else suffer a nuclear holocaust as well as axe murder to those who survive.

Of course, this is consistent with Riot’s environmental message concerning the welfare of baby seals. Be nice to them or else suffer a nuclear holocaust as well as axe murder to those who survive.

All right, I’m starting to get a little uneasy about the baby seal head guy. Seriously, despite his adorable face that makes your heart melt, he seems to show signs of being a psychopath.

38. Sir Adrian Bolt: The Planets

Sure Gustuv Holst was a classical composer. However, this cover just seems like it's straight out of a bad movie from Syfy instead of something that would inspire people to contemplate the vastness of the solar system and the infinity of space.

Sure Gustuv Holst was a classical composer. However, this cover just seems like it’s straight out of a bad movie from Syfy instead of something that would inspire people to contemplate the vastness of the solar system and the infinity of the universe. That or something you’d find in Neil Degrasse Tyson’s childhood record collection.

Or what you get when Flesh Gordon and Barbarella pose in a bad Buggles music video. Seriously, this would’ve made Gustuv Holst turn in his grave.

39. Bug Out! Vol. 1

Of course, at least the designer didn't have a cover featuring a giant spider or ant. Still, I think it's better that he didn't feature a mating scene with praying manti. For those who know anything about that, you know what happens after manti sex.

Of course, at least the designer didn’t have a cover featuring a giant spider or ant. Still, I think it’s better that he didn’t feature a mating scene with praying manti. For those who know anything about that, you know what happens after manti sex.

With the giant praying mantis on the cover, how about no way in hell. Seriously, I don’t want to be a 10,000 ft praying mantis lunch.

40. Will Starr: This is Will Star ‘the Daddy of Them All’

And you thought Weird Al made polka albums dressed in very crazy attire? Well, Will Starr seems to surpass him in polka playing tackiness and he probably doesn't even write novelty songs.

And you thought Weird Al made polka albums dressed in very crazy attire? Well, Will Starr seems to surpass him in polka playing tackiness and he probably doesn’t even write novelty songs. Also, looks as if he’ll keep playing polkas with his accordion of death until you drop cold and lifeless on the floor. That or if your ears start bleeding.

Let’s see. Accordion? Check. Kilt? Check. Wearing sandals and socks? Check. Impassioned evil expression on his face? Check.

41. Baby Lu-Lu: Baby Lu-Lu

This is the kind of cover that would make someone want to smash people with a shovel until the state troopers show up to taze them to death. Oh, my God is Baby Lu-Lu supposed to be a dog? That makes me freak out even more.

This is the kind of cover that would make someone want to smash people with a shovel until the state troopers show up to taze them to death. Oh, my God is Baby Lu-Lu supposed to be a dog? That makes me freak out even more.

Nothing makes a wholesome album for families than one featuring a blond haired woman in a red gingham dress and way too much hair spray loving her dogs to death. In the words of Elmira, “I’ll love them and squeeze them and keep them for ever and ever. Mwa ha ha ha ha.”

42. Yellowman: Walking Jewelry Store

Then again, saying he's a walking jewelry store might be saying a bit much since the bling seems like it could be found in any low price store. Walking outlet maybe. Still, if he wasn't black, I'd assume he's spent way too much time in a tanning salon. Also, that hairstyle is horrendous.

Then again, saying he’s a walking jewelry store might be saying a bit much since the bling seems like it could be found in any low price store. Walking outlet maybe. Still, if he wasn’t black, I’d assume he’s spent way too much time in a tanning salon. Also, that hairstyle is horrendous.

I’m sure that album’s title is derived from one of Yellowman’s street names during his days as a gangbanger.

43. Enoch Light and the Light Brigade: The Best Movie Themes 1970

This family must have their own private theater and popcorn machine or something. Either that or they're at a family friendly nudist camp with it's own movie theater. I mean people who walk naked in public usually get arrested for indecent exposure even if it's for jerking off in a porno theater.

This family must have their own private theater and popcorn machine or something. Either that or they’re at a family friendly nudist camp with it’s own movie theater. I mean people who walk naked in public usually get arrested for indecent exposure even if it’s for jerking off in a porno theater.

Because the family that goes to the movies naked together stays together.

44. Bobby Jimmy and the Critters: Ugly Knuckle Butt

Still, despite that he's wearing a white tennis outfit, the girls seem to find him sexy for some reason. Then again, they might be hookers or work other sectors in the adult entertainment industry.

Still, despite that he’s wearing a white tennis outfit, the girls seem to find him sexy for some reason. Then again, they might be hookers or work other sectors in the adult entertainment industry.

Or as Bobby Jimmy said, “Oh, hell no, you’re naming my album that!”

45. Electronic Music to Blow Your Mind!

Then again, this might as well have been John Lennon's mind on drugs while he was writing music within the Beatles' psychedelic phase like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, and Magical Mystery Tour.

Then again, this might as well have been John Lennon’s mind on drugs while he was writing music within the Beatles’ psychedelic phase like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, and Magical Mystery Tour.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s draw someone who looks vaguely like John Lennon, and then spill some colored paint on the cover, and maybe people will think it’s a Beatles album!”

46. Ruben Vela: Mucho Tequila

I'm sorry but even most medical experts would say that a man can't take that much alcohol at one time and not die of liver cirrhosis, let alone a woman. Seriously, get this senorita to a donce-step program pronto!

I’m sorry but even most medical experts would say that a man can’t take that much alcohol at one time and not die of liver cirrhosis, let alone a woman. Seriously, get this senorita mexicana to a donce-step program pronto! God, how many bottles has she drank already?

I don’t know about you but I think this woman needs to check into rehab and AA meetings because I think she might have a drinking problem, at least.

47. Camilo Sesto: Entre Amigos

Boy, is my mom going to be green with envy with all the flourishing ivy around this guy. The ivy covering my house hasn't been in the best shape these days since a lot of it died one winter.

Boy, is my mom going to be green with envy with all the flourishing ivy around this guy. The ivy covering my house hasn’t been in the best shape these days since a lot of it died one winter.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s get that photo I took of the pervert stalker hiding in the bushes and make it our album cover….”

48. Mrs. Miller: Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits

From San Diego Reader: "You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out "These Boots Were Made For Walking" and "Hard Day's Night"! You'll laugh even harder..." Still, looks pretty loaded by the expression on her face. Must sound quite horrible.

From San Diego Reader: “You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out “These Boots Were Made For Walking” and “Hard Day’s Night”! You’ll laugh even harder…” Still, looks pretty loaded by the expression on her face. Must sound quite horrible.

Basically the album with songs sung by that hard drinking and chain smoking middle aged woman you meet at a karaoke bar. Also, most of these songs are covers and it’s a greatest hits album? Seriously, why?

49. Ray Howard: The Cotton Pickin’ Lift Tower and Other Skiing Songs

Of course, a fall that high could break your neck. If not, then he's probably suffered a serious spinal injury and probably will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

Of course, a fall that high could break your neck. If not, then he’s probably suffered a serious spinal injury and probably will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Looks like the first one killed him. If he’s in Colorado, probably died while high on weed. So remember, kids, never dare play music on a ski lift tower. It’s a very stupid thing to do. Look what happened to him.

50. Nester Shydlowsky and the Royal Polka Kings: Buying a Car Ukrainian Style

From San Diego Reader: "Where oh where to start - the guy's giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl's legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?" Yeah, you can find a lot of crazy things wrong with this. Seems like the dealership is short of a few janitors at the moment. The girl's just for holding guitars and show, you know.

From San Diego Reader: “Where oh where to start – the guy’s giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl’s legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?” Yeah, you can find a lot of crazy things wrong with this. Seems like the dealership is short of a few janitors at the moment. The girl’s just for holding guitars and show, you know.

Basically this consists of bringing your accordion to the auto dealership, finding the car you want, and annoying the living shit out of the dealer so they could sell it to you at a bargain price. Try to go for a yellow one.

Might as Well Face It, You’re a Dick with a Glove and Other Mondegreens

misheard_lyrics

We’ve all done it at one time. Say you’re listening and singing along to this catchy song either in a car, party, store, or karaoke bar. You might be singing to the words you thought you were hearing from the audio entertainment system and even though they don’t necessarily make sense, well, you figure that it wasn’t the song’s point. And then someone tells you what the real words are and you feel quite embarrassed. This is especially so when you actually look up the lyrics online. Yeah, we’ve all been there. You might not have know that there’s a name to such mishearings called “mondegreens” whose origin I described in my last mondegreen post on Christmas songs. Yet, now that it’s January and the holidays are over, now the real fun can begin. Of course, some of these songs may be pop favorites while others may be from newer contemporary hits. But my primary sources for such musical mishearings are from Kiss This Guy and Am I Right? websites devoted to such karaoke blunders. So without further adieu, here are some examples of lyrics being sung the wrong way.

Either Robert Palmer is singing about falling in love or perhaps delivering a stealth insult to Michael Jackson as some hear.

Either Robert Palmer is singing about falling in love or perhaps delivering a stealth insult to Michael Jackson as some hear. Of course, what’s the hell with all the creepy back up dancers. Got to love the 1980s.

1. Robert Palmer, “Addicted to Love”
Lyric: “Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.”
Misheard as: “Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove.”

2. Earth, Wind & Fire, “Let’s Groove”
Lyric: “Let this groove/Sit in your shoes/It’s all right, all right.”
Misheard as: “Let this dude,/Poop in your shoes/It’s alright….ALRIGHT, A-a-a-all-riiight!”

These people are cheering for the dawning of the age of peace, love, vegetables, and really stinky pee. Yes, this is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus.

These people are cheering for the dawning of the age of peace, love, vegetables, and really stinky pee. Yes, this is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

3. Fifth Dimension, “Aquarius”
Lyric: “This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, Age of Aquarius”
Misheard as: “This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus, Asparagus”

4. Toto, “Africa”
Lyric: “There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.”
Misheard as: “There’s nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do.”

5. Berlin, “Take My Breath Away”
Lyric: “Haunted by the notion somewhere there’s a love in flames”
Misheard as: “In all that body lotion, somewhere there’s a loving flame”

Sorry, R.E.M. but public urination is a crime and not setting a good example. And I don't care if you lost your religion. Seriously, I don't.

Sorry, R.E.M. but public urination is a crime and not setting a good example. And I don’t care if you lost your religion. Seriously, I don’t.

6. R.E.M. “Losing My Religion”
Lyric: “That’s me in the corner, That’s me in the spotlight.”
Misheard as: “Let’s pee in the corner, Let’s pee in the spotlight.”

7. Elvis Presley, “Hound Dog”
Lyric: “You ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no friend of mine”
Misheard as: “You ain’t never pornographic and you ain’t no friend of mine”

8. Commodores “Brick House”
Lyric: “She’s mighty mighty, built like an Amazon”
Misheard as: “She’s mighty mighty, built like a mastodon”

9. Bryan Adams, “Summer of 69’”
Lyric: “Got my first real six string,/bought it at the five-and-dime./Played it till my fingers bled./It was the summer of 69.”
Misheard as: “Got my first real sex dream,/I was 5 at the time./Played it till my fingers bled./It was the summer of 69.”

Man, I knew that Jimi Hendrix may have taken too many drugs (unfortunately). Didn't know that he went both ways though.

Man, I knew that Jimi Hendrix may have taken too many drugs (unfortunately). Didn’t know that he went both ways though. Yeah, kiss this guy, indeed.

10. Jimi Hendrix, “Purple Haze”
Lyric: “’Scuse me, while I kiss the sky”
Misheard as: “’Scuse me, while I kiss this guy.”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “[Editor’s note: this is the singlemost commonly misheard lyric we’ve ever received, and is in fact the name of our new domain name!]”

11. Smokey Robinson, “Second That Emotion”
Lyric: “I second that emotion”
Misheard as: “I suck at that emotion”

12. REO Speedwagon, “Can’t Fight This Feeling”
Lyric: “You’re a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter’s night.”
Misheard as: “You’re a candle in the window and a corn dog when it’s night.”

13. Aqua, “Barbie Girl”
Lyric: “C’mon Barbie, let’s go party.”
Misheard as: “C’mon body let’s go potty.”
Comment: From Kiss the Guy: “My mom had told me about misheard song lyrics, and read me that one. I thought the real lyrics were the misheard ones and the misheard lyrics were the real ones.”

14. Nine Inch Nails, “Closer”
Lyric: “I want to f*ck you like an animal/You get me closer to God”
Misheard as: “I want a duck shaped like a triangle/You give a toaster to Bob”

Well, it certainly does make a difference whether you're naked or not, especially when you're in public. Too bad this guy listened to Bon Jovi way too much. Seriously, man, get your clothes on.

Well, it certainly does make a difference whether you’re naked or not, especially when you’re in public. Too bad this guy listened to Bon Jovi way too much. Seriously, man, get your clothes on.

15. Bon Jovi, “Living on a Prayer”
Lyric: “It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.”
Misheard as: “It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not.”

16. The Monkees, “I’m a Believer”
Lyric: “Then I saw her face. Now I’m a believer”
Misheard as: “Then I saw her face. Now I’m gonna leave her”

17. Til Tuesday, “Voices Carry”
Lyric: “Hush hush, keep it down now, voices carry”
Misheard as: “Oh Josh, you went downtown, was it scary?”

18. Kings of Leon, “Sex on Fire”
Lyric: “Ohh, ho, just like sex on fire.”
Misheard as: “Ohh, ho, dyslexics on fire”

19. Guns N’ Roses, “Civil War”
Lyric: “’Cause all these dreams are swept aside”
Misheard as: “’Cause all these dreams are web design”

Sorry, Lynyrd Skynyrd fans but I'm afraid we'll have to cancel tonight's performance since the whole band has been infected with ptomaine poisoning after eating dinner at a kids' summer camp. Don't ask me why.

Sorry, Lynyrd Skynyrd fans but I’m afraid we’ll have to cancel tonight’s performance since the whole band has been infected with ptomaine poisoning after eating dinner at a kids’ summer camp. Don’t ask me why.

20. Allan Sherman, “Hello, Mudda, Hello, Fadda (Letter from Camp)”
Lyric: “I went hiking with Joe Spivy;/He developed poison ivy./You remember Leonard Skinner;/He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.”
Misheard as: “I went hiking with Joe Spivy;/He developed poison ivy./You remember Lynyrd Skynyrd;/He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.”
Comment: Ironically, the name Lynyrd Skynyrd came from the high school gym teacher of some of the band’s original band members named Leonard Skinner who forced long haired boys to wear hairnets like cafeteria workers, which the guys naturally balked at. Also, despite being known for “Sweet Home Alabama,” the original Lynyrd Skynyrd members were from Jacksonville, Florida.

21. Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, “Blinded By the Light”
Lyric: “Revved up like a deuce/Another runner in the night”
Misheard as: “Wrapped up like a douche/Another rumor in the night”
Comment: I sometimes mishear the “deuce” part as “douche” whenever I hear this song.

22. Thompson Twins, “Hold Me Now”
Lyric: “Oh, Hold My Heart/(My Cold and Tired Heart)”
Misheard as: “Oh, Hold My Heart/(My Golden Tire Parts)”

Johnny Nash must really have something against his ex-girlfriend Lorraine. I mean it's been a bright sunshiny day since she's been gone. Wonder if that woman's a real bitch.

Johnny Nash must really have something against his ex-girlfriend Lorraine. I mean it’s been a bright sunshiny day since she’s been gone. Wonder if that woman’s a real bitch.

23. Johnny Nash, “I Can See Clearly Now”
Lyric: “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.”
Misheard as: “I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

24. Jay Z and Alicia Keys, “Empire State of Mind”
Lyric: “In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made, oh… “
Misheard as: “In New York, concrete jungle, wet dream, tomato…”

25. Iggy Azalea, “Fancy”
Lyric: “I’m so fancy, can’t you taste this gold…”
Misheard as: “I’m so fancy, can’t you taste this goat…”

26. Sleeping With Sirens, “Alone”
Lyric: “Could you check my pulse for me, to see if I’m alive…”
Misheard as: ”Could you check my balls for me, to see if I’m alive…”

27. Kelly Clarkson, “Because of You”
Lyric: “Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk…”
Misheard as: ”Because of you I never stray too far from the salad bowl…”

I'm beginning to wonder whether the 1990s Spice Girls were showing possible signs of being a potential sociopath. Having your boyfriend getting rid of your friends, that's really good relationship advice. Not. Worst role models for girls ever.

I’m beginning to wonder whether the 1990s Spice Girls were showing possible signs of being a potential sociopath. Having your boyfriend getting rid of your friends, that’s really good relationship advice. Not. Worst role models for girls ever.

28. Spice Girls, “Wannabe”
Lyric: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”
Misheard as: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get rid of my friends”

29. C7C Music Factory, “Gonna Make You Sweat(Everybody Dance Now)”
Lyric: “Everybody dance now”
Misheard as: “Everybody’s dead now”

30. Stone Temple Pilots, “Creep”
Lyric: “Everybody run, Bobby’s got a gun”
Misheard as: “Everybody run, Barbie’s got a gun.”

31. Metallica, “Enter Sandman”
Lyric: “Dreams of war, Dreams of lies, Dreams of dragons fire, And of things that will bite”
Misheard as: “Dreams of war, dreams of lies, dreams of dragon’s fire and of baked apple pie”

Hey, Backstreet Boys, if you're having stomach problems, you might want to try a few of these. They're over the counter, by the way so if you feel gassy with an upset stomach, just go to your local pharmacy.

Hey, Backstreet Boys, if you’re having stomach problems, you might want to try a few of these. They’re over the counter, by the way so if you feel gassy with an upset stomach, just go to your local pharmacy.

32. Backstreet Boys, “I Want It That Way”
Lyric: “Tell me why? Ain’t nothing but a heart ache, ain’t nothing but a mistake”
Misheard as: “Tummy why? Ain’t nothing but a fart hey, ain’t nothing but a meat steak”

33. Tone-Loc, “Funky Cold Medina”
Lyric: “Funky cold Medina”
Misheard as: “Funky Colwyn cleaner”

34. Johnny Cash, “Jackson”
Lyric: “We got married in a fever…..”
Misheard as: “We got married in a beaver…..”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I was probably around 7 years old when I asked my mom why they got married in a beaver.”

35. George Harrison, “I’ve Got My Mind Set on You”
Lyric: “I’ve got my mind set on you.”
Misheard as: “Watch out I might sit on you.”

So, Avril, if you keep complaining about your bowels in your music, you might want to eat some of these foods. They're said to be high in fiber by the way.

So, Avril, if you keep complaining about your bowels in your music, you might want to eat some of these foods. They’re said to be high in fiber by the way.

36. Avril Lavigne, “Complicated”
Lyric: “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?”
Misheard as: “Why do you have to go and make things so constipated?”

37. Pink Floyd, “Another Brick in the Wall”
Lyric: “We don’t need no education”
Misheard as: “We don’t need no sex vacation”

38. Metallica, “King Nothing”
Lyrics: “Where’s your crown, King Nothing?”
Misheard as: “Where’s your cornbread muffin?”

39. Neil Young, “Cripple Creek Ferry”
Lyric: “Hey, hey Cripple Creek ferry,/Butting through the overhanging trees./Make way for the Cripple Creek ferry./The water’s going down; it’s a mighty tight squeeze.”
Misheard as: “Hey, hey the purple Greek fairy/Slumming through the overhanging trees./Make way for the purple Greek fairy./The waiter’s going down; it’s a mighty tight squeeze.”

40. Drake, “Forever”
Lyric: “I’m shuttin’ s**t down in the mall”
Misheard as: “I shouldn’t s**t down in the mall”

41. Green Day, “Good Riddance”
Lyric: “Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road./Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.”
Misheard as: “Another turnip porn, the fork stuck in the road./Tongue grabs you by the ribs, directs you where to go.”

Problems with the glands downstairs, TISM, well, there may be something for that. Of course, you might want to get off the drug that shrivels it though. Nevertheless, if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, see your doctor.

Problems with the glands downstairs, TISM, well, there may be something for that. Of course, you might want to get off the drug that shrivels it though. Nevertheless, if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, see your doctor.

42. TISM, “(He’ll Never Be an) Ol’ Man River”
Lyric: “I’m on the drug that killed River Phoenix”
Misheard as: “I’m on the drug that shrivels your penis”

43. Hillary Duff, “Chasing the Sun”
Lyric: “You’ll find us chasing the sun”
Misheard as: “You’re father chasing a gun”

44. Magic!, “Rude”
Lyric: “Saturday morning, jumped out of bed/And put on my best suit…”
Misheard as: “Saturday morning, jumped out of bed/And put on my bear suit…”

45. Level 42, “Something About You”
Lyric: “Carved out of caring”
Misheard as: “Carved out of Karen”

Apparently, as Fall Out Boy implies, Tom Riddle (a.k.a. Lord Voldemort) does care about which pie whines as well as his own self-preservation in his quest for eternal life. Of course, if its a Muggle born pie, he'll kill it.

Apparently, as Fall Out Boy implies, Tom Riddle (a.k.a. Lord Voldemort) does care about which pie whines as well as his own self-preservation in his quest for eternal life. Of course, if its a Muggle born pie, he’ll kill it.

46. Fall Out Boy, “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”
Lyric: “Don’t really care, which side wins”
Misheard as: “Tom Riddle cares, which pie whines”
Comment: For those unfamiliar with Harry Potter, Tom Riddle is the original name of Lord Voldemort.

47. Cat Stevens, “Another Saturday Night”
Lyric: “Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody/I got some money because I just got paid”
Misheard as: “Another Saturday night and I ain’t got nobody/I got some money because I just got laid”

48. The Temptations, “My Girl”
Lyric: “I got all the riches, baby, one man can have”
Misheard as: “I got all the bitches, baby, one man can have”

49. The Temptations, “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch”
Lyric: “Sugar pie, Honey bunch”
Misheard as: “Sugar-fried honey butts”

"In the garden I peed in," seriously, Iron Butterfly, are you guys dogs? Otherwise, you might be so high you're tripping balls.

“In the garden I peed in,” seriously, Iron Butterfly, are you guys dogs? Otherwise, you might be so high you’re tripping balls.

50. Iron Butterfly, “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”
Lyric: “In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey”
Misheard as: “In the garden I peed in, honey”

51. Elvis Presley, “Suspicious Minds”
Lyric: “We’re caught in a trap, I can’t walk out”
Misheard as: “We’re callin’ it crap, I can’t walk out”

52. Led Zeppelin, “The Ocean”
Lyric: “It sure is fine! Blow my mind! It feels so good, a yeah, yeah yeah!….”
Misheard as: “It sure is fine! A go mine mine! I’m gonna piss out the window, a yeah, yeah yeah!..”

53. Grateful Dead, “Truckin’”
Lyric: “Sometimes the lights all shinin on me”
Misheard as: “Sometimes the Lysol’s shining on me”

54. Shocking Blue, “Venus”
Lyric: “Well, I’m your Venus, I’m your fire at your desire.”
Misheard as: “Well, I’m your penis, I’m your fire and joy desire”

 "Xylophone waiting for you?" Seriously, how does that even make sense, Foundations? Most people haven't played one of those since they were kids or at least toy ones anyway.


“Xylophone waiting for you?” Seriously, how does that even make sense, Foundations? Most people haven’t played one of those since they were kids or at least toy ones anyway.

55. The Foundations, “Build Me Up Buttercup”
Lyric: “I’ll be beside the phone waiting for you.”
Misheard as: “I’ll be your xylophone waiting for you.”

56. Everly Brothers, “(All I Have to Do Is)Dream”
Lyric: “Only trouble is, gee whiz”
Misheard as: “Only trouble is, cheese whiz”

57. Juice Newton, “Angel of the Morning”
Lyric: “Just call me angel of the morning baby,/Just touch my cheek before you leave me baby ”
Misheard as: “Just call me angel in the morning baby,/Just brush your teeth before you kiss me, baby ”

58. John Denver, “Annie’s Song”
Lyric: “Let me drown in your laughter,/Let me die in your arms. ”
Misheard as: “Let me drown in your bathtub,/Let me dry in your arms. ”

Of course, you'll always lose to Dorothy when you mess with her, John Mellencamp. I mean if you go against her, she'll always have a scarecrow, tinman, and lion to back her up. Oh, and her little dog, too.

Of course, you’ll always lose to Dorothy when you mess with her, John Mellencamp. I mean if you go against her, she’ll always have a scarecrow, tinman, and lion to back her up. Oh, and her little dog, too. Look what happened to the Wicked Witch of the West for God’s sake.

59. John Mellencamp, “Authority”
Lyric: “Well, I fight authority and authority always wins.”
Misheard as: “Well, I fight with Dorothy and Dorothy always wins.”

60. Paul McCartney, “Band on the Run”
Lyric: “Band on the run, Band on the Run… ”
Misheard as: “Stand on the rug, Stand on the rug… ”

61. Neil Diamond, “Cherry, Cherry”
Lyric: “She’s got the way to move me, Cherry”
Misheard as: “She’s got some weight to lose now, Cherry”

62. Heart, “Crazy on You”
Lyric: “Gonna go crazy on you”
Misheard as: “Gonna pour gravy on you”

63. Blue Oyster Cult, “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper”
Lyric: “Don’t fear the reaper”
Misheard as: “Don’t spare the reefer”

Now that Jesus has pants, John Lennon, do you think he should go with the fat jeans or the skinny jeans? Hey, it's only fair to ask you since you kept singing to give Jesus pants.

Now that Jesus has pants, John Lennon, do you think he should go with the fat jeans or the skinny jeans? Hey, it’s only fair to ask you since you kept singing to give Jesus pants.

64. John Lennon, “Give Peace a Chance”
Lyric: “All we are saying is give peace a chance”
Misheard as: “Oh, we are sailing, yes, give Jesus pants”

65. The Rascals, “Groovin’”
Lyric: “Life would be ecstasy, you and me endlessly”
Misheard as: “Life would be ecstasy, you and me and Leslie”

66. Pat Benatar, “Hit Me with Your Best Shot”
Lyric: “Hit me with your best shot”
Misheard as: “Hit me with your pet shark”

67. The Ramones, “I Wanna Be Sedated”
Lyric: “I wanna be sedated”
Misheard as: “I want a piece of Danish”

68. Steve Miller Band, “Jet Airliner”
Lyric: “Big old jet airliner, don’t carry me to far away”
Misheard as: “Bingo Jed had a light on, Old Gary he’s from Paraguay”

The Brian Seltzer Orchestra may need to give some background screenings to their drivers. Of course, a drunk driver at the wheel just makes me jump and wail if you know what I mean.

The Brian Seltzer Orchestra may need to give some background screenings to their drivers. Of course, a drunk driver at the wheel just makes me jump and wail if you know what I mean.

69. Brian Seltzer Orchestra, “Jump, Jive and Wail”
Lyric: “You got to, jump, jive, and then you wail”
Misheard as: “You got a, drunk driver, at the wheel”

70. Jimmy Buffett, “Margaritaville”
Lyric: “Lookin’ for my lost shaker of salt”
Misheard as: “Looking for my log shaker and saw”

71. Crosby, Stills, and Nash, “Marrakesh Express”
Lyric: “Don’t you know we’re riding on the Marrakesh Express”
Misheard as: “Don’t you know we’re writing American Express”

72. Willie Nelson, “On the Road Again”
Lyric: “The life I love is making music with my friends”
Misheard as: “The wife I love is making music with my friends”

As what the Monkees are saying, the local rock group is trying so hard to learn their song but the band doesn't seem to be getting in the hang of it. Hang on there, guys. Seriously, hang in there. Yet, if your lead singer can't carry a tune, replace him.

As what the Monkees are saying, the local rock group is trying so hard to learn their song but the band doesn’t seem to be getting in the hang of it. Hang on there, guys. Seriously, hang in there. Yet, if your lead singer can’t carry a tune, replace him.

73. The Monkees, “Pleasant Valley Sunday”
Lyric: “The local rock group down the street is tryin’ hard to learn their song”
Misheard as: “The local rock group down the street is tryin’ hard to learn this song”

74. Tom Petty, “Refugee”
Lyric: “You don’t have to live like a refugee”
Misheard as: “You don’t have to live like an amputee”

75. Hues Corporation, “Rock the Boat”
Lyric: “Well, I’d like to know where, you got the notion”
Misheard as: “Well, I’d like to know where, you got the nose from”

76. Motley Crue, “Smokin’ in the Boys’ Room”
Lyric: “Everybody knows that smoking ain’t allowed in school”
Misheard as: “Everybody knows that smoking in the lounge is cool”

77. Ray Stevens, “The Streak”
Lyric: “Ethel, you shameless hussy”
Misheard as: “Ethel, you shave that pussy”

78. Eddie Cochran, “Summertime Blues”
Lyric: “I’m a gonna raise a fuss I’m a gonna raise a holler”
Misheard as: “I’m a Puerto Rican bus I’m a Puerto Rican father”

79. James Taylor, “Sweet Baby James”
Lyric: “Though the Berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting”
Misheard as: “Though the birdsh*t seemed green-like on account of that frosting”

Next time you feel like going in a can, John Denver, you might want to try this. Still, while it's yellow, make it mellow. But when it's brown flush it down. Seriously, you can totally afford one.

Next time you feel like going in a can, John Denver, you might want to try this. Still, while it’s yellow, make it mellow. But when it’s brown flush it down. Seriously, you can totally afford one.

80. John Denver, “Thank God I’m A Country Boy”
Lyric: “Well I work all day and I fiddle when I can”
Misheard as: “Well I work all day and I piddle in a can”

81. Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, “Zoot Suit Riot”
Lyric: “Now you sailors know, where your women come for love”
Misheard as: “Now you sadists know, where your women come for love”

82. Hollywood Undead, “Gangsta Sexy”
Lyric: “..Gangsta, gonna turn you on..”
Misheard as: “..Gangsta, got a tiny wand..”

83. Pearl Jam, “Glorified”
Lyric: “Glorified version of a pellet gun.”
Misheard as: “Horrified virgin on a pelican.”

84. Foo Fighters, “The Pretender”
Lyric: “What if I say I’m not like the others?”
Misheard as: “What if I say I’m not like the otters?”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I never knew what Dave Grohl had against those poor otters.”

85. Bob Marley, “Jammin’”
Lyric: “We’re jammin, jammin,/And I hope you like jammin, too.”
Misheard as: “We’re German, German,/And I hope you like Germans, too”

For some men, maybe life would be fine if their girlfriend was a BLT sandwich since she may not want to make one.

For some men, maybe life would be fine if their girlfriend was a BLT sandwich since she may not want to make one. Some guys really become helpless in the sight of bacon, lettuce, and tomato.

86. Pussycat Dolls, “Don’t Cha”
Lyric: “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?”
Misheard as: “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a BLT?”

87. Tinie Tempah, “Pass Out”
Lyric: “G Shocks, I’ve got a crazy Dom collection…”
Misheard as: “G Shocks, I’ve got a crazy nun collection…”

88. Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”
Lyric: “What’s love but a second hand emotion?”
Misheard as: “What’s love but a can of white emulsion?”

Sure a landmine taking your earring is painful enough, but look on the bright side. It could be worse, you could've lost a limb. Then again losing sight and speech isn't great either.

Sure a landmine taking your earring is painful enough, but look on the bright side. It could be worse, you could’ve lost a limb. Then again losing sight and speech isn’t great either.

89. Metallica, “One”
Lyric: “Landmine has taken my sight, taken my speech, taken my hearing…”
Misheard as: “Landmine has taken my sight, taken my speech, taken my earring…”

90. Phil Collins, “In the Air Tonight”
Lyric: “And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life…”
Misheard as: “And I’ve been waiting for this snowman for all my life…”

91. The Tokens, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
Lyric: “Wee-ooh wim-o-weh. Wee-ooh wim-o-weh.”
Misheard as: “A weenie wack a weenie wack a weenie wack.”

92. Player, “Baby Got Back”
Lyric: “Baby come back, you can blame it all on me.”
Misheard as: “Baby come back, you can play Monopoly.”

93. Dixie Cups, “Chapel of Love”
Lyric: “Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married.”
Misheard as: “Goin’ to the Jack-O-Lantern, gonna get married.”

94. Billy Ocean, “When the Going Gets Tough”
Lyric: “When the going gets tough.”
Misheard as: “Go and get stuffed.”

According to Eurythmics, sweet dreams are made from curdled dairy products. Of course, who am I to diss a brie.

According to Eurythmics, sweet dreams are made from curdled dairy products. Of course, who am I to diss a brie. Yet, those 1980s hair are ugly.

95. Eurythmics, “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)”
Lyric: “Sweet dreams are made of this, who had a mind to disagree?”
Misheard as: “Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who had a mind to diss a brie?”

96. TLC, “Waterfalls”
Lyric: “Don’t go chasing waterfalls.”
Misheard as: “Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls.”

97. War, “Slipping Into Darkness”
Lyric: “ I was slippin’ into darkness/When I heard my mother say/You’ve been slippin’ into darkness/Pretty soon you gonna pay”
Misheard as: “I was slippin’ in the dog mess/When I heard my mother say/You’ve been slippin’ in the dog mess/Pretty soon you gonna pay”

98. Don Broco, “Thug Workout”
Lyric: “Look up above, you’re in love”
Misheard as: “Look at my bum, you’re in love”

99. Fuse ODG, “Dangerous Love”
Lyric: “ Look at you in that dress/Girl you dangerous like a gun”
Misheard as: “Look at you in that dress/Girl you dangerous like Dewgong.”

100. Dire Straits, “Walk of Life”
Lyric: “Do the song about the sweet loving woman”
Misheard as: “Do the song about the senile old woman”

The Wonderful World of the Teddy Bear

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For over a century, the Teddy Bear has been an extremely iconic toy around the world celebrated in song, story, and film. Named after President Teddy Roosevelt due to a 1902 incident in Mississippi which he refused to shoot a black bear tied to a tree, there has barely been any toy that’s enjoyed so much adoration and popularity as this exceedingly cute and cuddly toy. And not only has the toy industry made a lot of money from selling these bears as toys for children, but also collectors and as gifts for so many holidays and occasions to signify love, congratulations, or sympathy. Not to mention, there are even a lot of Teddy Bear museums around the world as well with feature many uniquely clothed Teddy Bears in dioramas. Still, there are many reasons why teddies tend to be so popular such as irresistible cuteness, being suitable for all ages like most cuddly stuffed animals, could be given to both genders, being very customizable, and has been around for so long. Nevertheless, Teddy Bears tend to be very popular gifts around Valentine’s Day even though it’s quite early to be thinking about the holiday though. Yet, we’ve also famous bears like Winnie the Pooh and now Paddington is about to have a movie come out so perhaps doing a teddy post is as good time as ever. However, you won’t believe the kinds of Teddy Bears out there and some these aren’t appropriate for children by the way. So without further adieu, here’s a glimpse of some of the wonderful Teddy Bears you might want to have.

1. Straitjacket Bear is just utterly crazy about you.

Of course, having this bear in a straitjacket might make you think he's just too crazy for you to handle. Then again, at least he's better than people like abusers, rapists, stalkers, and the like and they don't get put in a straitjacket. Still, very cute.

Of course, having this bear in a straitjacket might make you think he’s just too crazy for you to handle. Then again, at least he’s better than people like abusers, rapists, stalkers, and the like and they don’t get put in a straitjacket. Still, very cute.

2. Muhpawmad Ali thinks that you’re an absolute knock out and hope he doesn’t beat his rival to the punch.

Sadly, Muhpawmad Ali was retired by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company after he converted to Islam and refused to be drafted to Vietnam. Oh, wait that's a different boxer.

Sadly, Muhpawmad Ali was forcibly retired by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company after he converted to Islam and refused to be drafted to Vietnam. Oh, wait that’s a different boxer.

3. Seems like Ted is looking sharp these days.

Yes, this bear was inspired by the movie Ted which is an R-rated comedy about a foul mouthed, irresponsible, and really cantankerous bear. Of course, a lot of young men loved it. Still, despite the crudeness, it did have a great song to it. And now there's going to be a sequel.

Yes, this bear was inspired by the movie Ted which is an R-rated comedy about a foul mouthed, irresponsible, and really cantankerous bear. Of course, a lot of young men loved it. Still, despite the crudeness, it did have a great song to it. And now there’s going to be a sequel.

4. “Hello, Hello, Hello, now what have we got here?” said Inspector Mortimer Biggles.

As a die-hard Monty Python fan, I couldn't let this British cop Teddy Bear slip by me for this post. Still, you have to love his little badge and Bobbie hats they still wear to day. Yet, in media, they always seem so polite.

As a die-hard Monty Python fan, I couldn’t let this British cop Teddy Bear slip by me for this post. Still, you have to love his little badge and Bobbie hats they still wear to day. Yet, in media, they always seem so polite.

5. Out of his den, the one the only, Sir Belton Pawn.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of Elton John perhaps from his fame in the 1970s. Love his star sunglasses and shiny purple jacket. Now that's simply adorable.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of Elton John perhaps from his fame in the 1970s. Love his star sunglasses and shiny purple jacket. Now that’s simply adorable.

6. President Bearack Opawma is the United States Commander in Chief.

Yes, this is a Barack Obama Teddy Bear, and politics aside this is simply adorable and I'm astounded that this one didn't require a lot of accessories. Sure I think Obama is doing a decent job as president despite the circumstances but that's beside the point. Yet, will probably go a bit gray after a few years.

Yes, this is a Barack Obama Teddy Bear, and politics aside this is simply adorable and I’m astounded that this one didn’t require a lot of accessories. Sure I think Obama is doing a decent job as president despite the circumstances but that’s beside the point. Yet, will probably go a bit gray after a few years.

7. Of course, who can forget the Clawley family from the hit TV Show of Bearton Abbey?

Of course, this Limited Teddy Bear set includes, Lady Mary, Lady Cora Countess of Grantham, Lord Robert Earl of Grantham, and the Dowager Countess Violet. Still, wish they some of the other characters though.

Of course, this Limited Teddy Bear set includes, Lady Mary, Lady Cora Countess of Grantham, Lord Robert Earl of Grantham, and the Dowager Countess Violet. Still, wish they some of the other characters though.

8. Armed with his lightsaber, this Jedi Knight Teddy Bear is on the cuddlier side of the Force.

Of course, they do have Star Wars Build-a-Bear clothes and accessories on its website. And no, this isn't an Ewok. Still, I have to put a Star Wars reference in the post somewhere.

Of course, they do have Star Wars Build-a-Bear clothes and accessories on its website. And no, this isn’t an Ewok. Still, I have to put a Star Wars reference in the post somewhere.

9. The hills are alive with the sound of music as you snuggle with the Maria Von Trapp bear.

Luckily for some people, this bear doesn't sing. Yet, I'm sure any Sound of Music fan will love it if he or she can afford about $300 for it. Seriously, Steiff bears are very expensive.

Luckily for some people, this bear doesn’t sing. Yet, I’m sure any Sound of Music fan will love it if he or she can afford about $300 for it. Seriously, Steiff bears are very expensive.

10. Step into the Colonial and Revolutionary Era with Abigail.

Now I'm sure this is not an Abigail Adams bear because the Boyd's Bear website says she's from the Williamsburg Collection. Still, she'd make a lovely gift for an elementary school teacher trying to reach out to students on the American Revolution.

Now I’m sure this is not an Abigail Adams bear because the Boyd’s Bear website says she’s from the Williamsburg Collection. Still, she’d make a lovely gift for an elementary school teacher trying to reach out to students on the American Revolution.

11. Strum up some country music with Cash.

I originally thought that this was a Johnny Cash Teddy bear. Then again, if it was, then he'd be dressed in black. Also, has a female counterpart named Paisley.

I originally thought that this was a Johnny Cash Teddy bear. Then again, if it was, then he’d be dressed in black. Also, has a female counterpart named Paisley.

12. With her yellow coat, feather hat, and red and white striped dress, Audrey Hepbearn is a true Parisian Fashionista.

Now I'm not sure if that's supposed to be Audrey Hepburn or an original Boyd's Bear character (probably the latter). Either way, she certainly looks cute in that outfit.

Now I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be Audrey Hepburn or an original Boyd’s Bear character (probably the latter). Either way, she certainly looks cute in that outfit.

13. Mia is kind what you’d call a yoga bear but don’t mention, Jellistone National Park or she’d get angry.

Of course, Mia may not be using her yoga mat, but she seems like doing a pose anyway. Perhaps she's in the park. Yet, I'm not sure what that pose is supposed to be.

Of course, Mia may not be using her yoga mat, but she seems like doing a pose anyway. Perhaps she’s in the park. Yet, I’m not sure what that pose is supposed to be.

14. Julia can be a domestic goddess in the kitchen and still be adorable.

Now this is definitely a Boyd's Bear take off on Julia Child. I mean she even as

Now this is definitely a Boyd’s Bear take off on Julia Child. I mean she even as “Bon Appetite” in her apron. Yet, I wonder if Julia knows anything about French cuisine.

15. Tilly Gardenberry always loves to hang out in her vegetable garden and probably eats organic.

Of course, the fact that Tilly wears crocs while out in her vegetable patch really shows that she cares more about gardening than fashion of which she is no slave. Seriously, crocs are about one of the tackiest shoes anyone can wear.

Of course, the fact that Tilly wears crocs while out in her vegetable patch really shows that she cares more about gardening than fashion of which she is no slave. Seriously, crocs are about one of the tackiest shoes anyone can wear.

16. Lizzie Snowbum is all dressed and ready for the winter weather in the snow.

Of course, we all know that real bears don't need snow gear and usually hibernate in the winter anyway. Still, I do appreciate Boyd's creativity with names as well as think Lizzie is simply adorable.

Of course, we all know that real bears don’t need snow gear and usually hibernate in the winter anyway. Still, I do appreciate Boyd’s creativity with names as well as think Lizzie is simply adorable.

17. On windy days, Skylar Breezebeary always loves to fly her kite.

Unlike Skylar, I was never able to fly a kite as a child mostly because my house was near so many power lines in both the front lawn and the back yard. Doesn't make a safe kite flying environment.

Unlike Skylar, I was never able to fly a kite as a child mostly because my house was near so many power lines in both the front lawn and the back yard. Doesn’t make a safe kite flying environment.

18. Of course, since Paddington Bear has a movie coming out, I certainly can’t leave him out of my post.

Sure Paddington may seem polite, love marmalade, and can be a screw up at times, but why the hell does he speak in an English accent if he's actually from Peru? Seriously, shouldn't he be speaking in Spanish for God's sake?

Sure Paddington may seem polite, love marmalade, and can be a screw up at times, but why the hell does he speak in an English accent if he’s actually from Peru? Seriously, shouldn’t he be speaking in Spanish for God’s sake?

19. May your sweetheart find this Loverboy Teddy Bear totally irresistible.

Of course, with his adorable Teddy Bear form, macho sunglasses, Love tattoo, and his bad boy poise, he's the kind of bear that's hard to resist.

Of course, with his adorable Teddy Bear form, macho sunglasses, Love tattoo, and his bad boy poise, he’s the kind of bear that’s hard to resist.

20. Whether as a horny devil or a saintly angel, you can’t deny how adorable these two look side by side.

Of course, it's a popular notion that good girls like bad boys. That is, until they come to the realization that they make terrible boyfriends and dump them. So perhaps having nice guys finish isn't all that bad.

Of course, it’s a popular notion that good girls like bad boys. That is, until they come to the realization that they make terrible boyfriends and dump them. So perhaps having nice guys finish isn’t all that bad.

21. Now you can’t help yourself to all these beautiful bearillrinas practicing.

Sure ballet may seem like a girly dance but remember that it's very exhausting for the dancers who don't have a very long shelf life. Still, there are some celebrities who do ballet like some NFL football players.

Sure ballet may seem like a girly dance but remember that it’s very exhausting for the dancers who don’t have a very long shelf life. Still, there are some celebrities who do ballet like some NFL football players.

22. Now Coco Chic’s clothes are always at the height of fashion these days.

Now I don't know what consists of high fashion these days. However, I'm not sure if Coco's fur hat and trim is necessarily

Now I don’t know what consists of high fashion these days. However, I’m not sure if Coco’s fur hat and trim is necessarily “in” since it’s probably from an endangered species. Then again, PETA probably won’t be on her case since she’s a bear.

23. Still, since he’s so well known, I can’t possibly forget Winnie the Pooh from the Hundred Acre Wood.

Before the Winnie the Pooh became a multimillion Disney franchise, it originated in a series of stories by A. A. Milne who basically named the animal characters after his son's stuffed toys. Son's name was Christopher Robin who hated the books for obvious reasons. Also, Pooh was also named after a real Canadian bear.

Before the Winnie the Pooh became a multibillion Disney franchise, it originated in a series of stories by A. A. Milne who basically named the animal characters after his son’s stuffed toys. Son’s name was Christopher Robin who hated the books for obvious reasons. Also, Pooh was also named after a real Canadian bear. Still, as Disney is concerned, Winnie the Pooh is a $6 billion bear.

24. Now this Teddy Bear just bares all.

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company calls this one,

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company calls this one, “Birthday Suit Bear” which is odd since I thought I’ve seen a lot of Teddy Bears in their birthday suits to begin with. Seriously, why is he climbing out of his own fur? Kind of disturbing if you ask me.

25. To commemorate the E. L. James Series Fifty Shades of Grey, here’s a Christian Grey Teddy Bear.

From what I've heard about the series (originally a Twilight fanfic), Christian Grey is supposed to be an abusive, controlling bastard.Thus, not cuddly at all, which makes this Teddy Bear all the more ironic. Even funnier is that he's actually gray.

From what I’ve heard about the series (originally a Twilight fanfic), Christian Grey is supposed to be an abusive, controlling bastard.Thus, not cuddly at all, which makes this Teddy Bear all the more ironic. Even funnier is that he’s actually gray.

26. This gangster Teddy Near is just a fool for love but don’t open his violin case.

Of course, this gangster Teddy Bear always comes well dressed with his tailored pinstripe vest, tie, black fedora, a rose on his lapel, an his while spats above his paws. Still, for a killer, he's a cutie.

Of course, this gangster Teddy Bear always comes well dressed with his tailored pinstripe vest, tie, black fedora, a rose on his lapel, an his while spats above his paws. Still, for a killer, he’s a cutie.

27. Lo and behold, a Teddy Bear Royal Guardsman from Buckingham Palace.

Sure he may seem friendly now but when he's on duty, you don't want to disturb him. Seriously, he wouldn't like it when you try to break his stiff upper lip.

Sure he may seem friendly now but when he’s on duty, you don’t want to disturb him. Seriously, he wouldn’t like it when you try to break his stiff upper lip.

28. From the Vatican, here we hail the retired pontiff Bearnedict XVI.

I'm not sure if a Pope Francis Teddy Bear exists but he's probably much cuter and cuddlier. Nevertheless, since former Pope Benedict XVI does have a few Teddy Bears of him, he'll have to do.

I’m not sure if a Pope Francis Teddy Bear exists but he’s probably much cuter and cuddlier. Nevertheless, since former Pope Benedict XVI does have a few Teddy Bears of him, he’ll have to do.

29. Of course, despite the Santa suit, this Teddy Bear doesn’t like Christmas, well, at first.

Of course, this is a Teddy Bear of the Grinch inspired by the Dr. Seuss story How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Nevertheless, this bear is just adorable at least more than the Grinch himself.

Of course, this is a Teddy Bear of the Grinch inspired by the Dr. Seuss story How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Nevertheless, this bear is just adorable at least more than the Grinch himself.

30. For Easter, I’m sure a Teddy Bear in a bunny suit would make a swell addition to the Easter basket.

Of course, this could be a Teddy Bear hunting rabbits in a pink rabbit disguise but that's kind of far fetched. Still, it's pretty adorable.

Of course, this could be a Teddy Bear hunting rabbits in a pink rabbit disguise but that’s kind of far fetched. Still, it’s pretty adorable.

31. If you think Teddy Bears are adorable, you should see what a Panda Teddy Bear.

Of course, real Giant Pandas are an endangered species due to habitat loss and a low birthrate (pandas only mate once a year). Still, baby pandas born in zoos usually make the news at six.

Of course, real Giant Pandas are an endangered species due to habitat loss and a low birthrate (pandas only mate once a year). Still, baby pandas born in zoos usually make the news at six.

32. From Scotland, you’ll never find a cuter man in a kilt than Ewan McClawfur.

Of course, this adorable Highlander Bear doesn't come with bagpipes but I really don't care since they're annoying instruments anyway. Still, you have to love his little kilt and tam.

Of course, this adorable Highlander Bear doesn’t come with bagpipes but I really don’t care since they’re annoying instruments anyway. Still, you have to love his little kilt and tam.

33. While polar bears (hopefully) typically live where there is ice and snow, this polar bear teddy will warm your heart.

Of course, polar bears rely on the Arctic sea ice so much that they're now an increasingly at risk for becoming a casualty of global warming (which is real and manmade by the way, sorry, climate denying assholes). Still, this is just so adorable you'd want to take it home and name it Nappy.

Of course, polar bears rely on the Arctic sea ice so much that they’re now an increasingly at risk for becoming a casualty of global warming (which is real and manmade by the way, sorry, climate denying assholes). Still, this is just so adorable you’d want to take it home and name it Nappy.

34. Of course, since the legend of the Teddy Bear was inspired by an American legend, you can’t leave out a Grizzly Teddy Bear.

Though you might think this is cute and cuddly, remember that you don't want to be anywhere near a real Grizzly Bear, especially in front of a mother and her cubs. Any guy who messes with a Mama Grizzly or her cubs is a dead man to say the least.

Though you might think this is cute and cuddly, remember that you don’t want to be anywhere near a real Grizzly Bear, especially in front of a mother and her cubs. Any guy who messes with a Mama Grizzly or her cubs is a dead man to say the least. Talk about an idiotic death.

35. Give your sweetheart the gift of  true love this Valentine’s Day with these Romeo and Juliet Teddy Bears.

Give your girlfriend the kind of gift that remind her that your love is the kind that was brought on by raging hormones, reckless decision making such as marrying a few days later, you killing your cousin after offing your best friend in a gang war between your families, you two running off together in a tomb, poisoning yourself while she faked your death, and she dying by her dagger. Yeah, that's what I call true love. Yeah right.

Give your girlfriend the kind of gift that remind her that your love is the kind that was brought on by raging hormones, reckless decision making such as marrying a few days later, you killing your cousin after offing your best friend in a gang war between your families, you two running off together in a tomb, poisoning yourself while she faked your death, and she dying by her dagger. Yeah, that’s what I call true love. Yeah right. It’s just tragedy, simply reckless tragedy, folks.

36. Warm your little girl’s heart this winter with a Snow Queen Teddy Bear.

Sure this may not be Elsa from Frozen, but it's not like little girls will no the difference, at least at first. Still, in her icy domain, she's just so adorable in that little blue dress and crown as well as her furry muff.

Sure this may not be Elsa from Frozen, but it’s not like little girls will know the difference, at least at first. Still, in her icy domain, she’s just so adorable in that little blue dress and crown as well as her furry muff.

37. Make bedtime memorable with this little pajama bear.

Of course, this Teddy bear might be for babies since it has cute little footie pajamas. Nevertheless, this is something any little kid could love and want to go to bed with.

Of course, this Teddy bear might be for babies since it has cute little footie pajamas. Nevertheless, this is something any little kid could love and want to go to bed with.

38. What you mean you’ve never seen a Teddy Bear in his heart dotted boxer shorts.

Of course, this adorable Teddy Bear doesn't look that bad in his little boxers. But I'm sure they help conceal his naughty bits if you know what I mean. Still, love how he seems so buffed up in them.

Of course, this adorable Teddy Bear doesn’t look that bad in his little boxers. But I’m sure they help conceal his naughty bits if you know what I mean. Still, love how he seems so buffed up in them.

39. Ride the waves this summer with this one of a kind surfer bear.

Of course, Cuddlebut only took up surfing just so he could get closer to all the exotic ocean fish at high tide. Unfortunately, he'd be chased to the shore by whales and sharks wanting to eat him.

Of course, Cuddlebut only took up surfing just so he could get closer to all the exotic ocean fish at high tide. Unfortunately, he’d be chased to the shore by whales and sharks wanting to eat him.

40. I now pronounce you man and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Bearenstein. You may kiss the bride.

I see a lot of wedding bears from the internet. Maybe it's because weddings are popular occasions for giving these things. Nevertheless, they do make a cute couple don't you think?

I see a lot of wedding bears from the internet. Maybe it’s because weddings are popular occasions for giving these things. Nevertheless, they do make a cute couple don’t you think?

41. Have the flu? Well, I’m sure Dr. Jones will make it all better.

Of course, you know he's a doctor since his little Furst Aid medical bag contains a bandage and a thermometer. Still, I kind of wish he had a little stethoscope with him but who am I to judge? Still, he's adorable.

Of course, you know he’s a doctor since his little Furst Aid medical bag contains a bandage and a thermometer. Still, I kind of wish he had a little stethoscope with him but who am I to judge? Still, he’s adorable.

42. Now this Teddy Bear is certainly a real angler with the rod and the reel.

Of course, unlike most bears, Clawson caught his salmon with his fishing rod instead of just by his own claws near the waterfall. Thought it was just more efficient that way.

Of course, unlike most bears, Clawson caught his salmon with his fishing rod instead of just by his own claws near the waterfall. Thought it was just more efficient that way.

43. By order of Officer Snuggles, you’re under arrest.

Of course, only a police Teddy Bear could be equipped with handcuffs and not seem to have anything ironic about it. Still, hope he doesn't go after any innocent black bears (then again, in my area the only bears around are black bears).

Of course, only a police Teddy Bear could be equipped with handcuffs and not seem to have anything ironic about it. Still, hope he doesn’t go after any innocent black bears (then again, in my area the only bears around are black bears).

44. While most bears love the taste of honey, Vermont bears prefer the taste of maple syrup.

Unsurprisingly, this Teddy Bear is by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, where maple syrup is one of the state's products. Still, wonder why the company doesn't have a Teddy Bear representing all 50 states.

Unsurprisingly, this Teddy Bear is by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, where maple syrup is one of the state’s products. Still, wonder why the company doesn’t have a Teddy Bear representing all 50 states.

45. Clawrles Furbergh has just become the first bear to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean.

Of course, I know aviators today don't wear that kind of gear as much as they used to. Still, I think this Teddy Bear is so adorable anyway. Yet, I'm not sure if I'd want to fly on his plane though.

Of course, I know aviators today don’t wear that kind of gear as much as they used to. Still, I think this Teddy Bear is so adorable anyway. Yet, I’m not sure if I’d want to fly on his plane though.

46. Clawbo Furcasso specializes in masterpieces pertaining to Modernist Cave painting.

Now this might be a perfect Teddy Bear for my sister, who's an art major at VCU. Well, at least she started out as one. Nevertheless, you have to like seeing him with his little beret, paintbrush, and palette. Also, it seems like he's got a few stains on his little apron.

Now this might be a perfect Teddy Bear for my sister, who’s an art major at VCU. Well, at least she started out as one. Nevertheless, you have to like seeing him with his little beret, paintbrush, and palette. Also, it seems like he’s got a few stains on his little apron.

47. Of course, where would Cinderbearla be without her Beary Godmother?

Sure she may be a beary godmother but that doesn't mean she won't go after the mice and pumpkin before turning them into a coach and footmen. Still, this is simply adorable.

Sure she may be a beary godmother but that doesn’t mean she won’t go after the mice and pumpkin before turning them into a coach and footmen. Still, this is simply adorable.

48. Now never in my life have I ever seen a beary princess.

Now despite being a beary princess, you'd probably wouldn't want to lock her in a tower. Seriously, bears don't take it well. Nevertheless, I love that pretty pink dress.

Now despite being a beary princess, you’d probably wouldn’t want to lock her in a tower. Seriously, bears don’t take it well. Nevertheless, I love that pretty pink dress.

49. Now Chef Beariscue loves to bring his creativity to the kitchen.

Now I bet that this bear chef cooks with all natural ingredients instead of stuff he found at somebody's camp site. Still, you have to love him in his little chef's outfit.

Now I bet that this bear chef cooks with all natural ingredients instead of stuff he found at somebody’s camp site. Still, you have to love him in his little chef’s outfit.

50. This bear has been working on the railroad all the livelong day.

Now I know railroad engineers don't dress like that these days. Still, he wears his little red handkerchief quite well with his little overalls and cap.

Now I know railroad engineers don’t dress like that these days. Still, he wears his little red handkerchief quite well with his little overalls and cap.

51. Now this BMX Bear certainly knows his tricks on the skateboard.

However, unlike most BMX bears, he's not wearing a helmet on top of his hoodie which isn't a great idea. Still, he seems quite classy in his skull and crossbones shirt, cargo shorts, and sunglasses.

However, unlike most BMX bears, he’s not wearing a helmet on top of his hoodie which isn’t a great idea. Still, he seems quite classy in his skull and crossbones shirt, cargo shorts, and sunglasses.

52. This patriotic mama bear is as all American as her apple pie.

Not sure if this mama bear baked the pie herself or stole it from from someone's picnic basket. Either way, she's just so adorable in her red, white, and blue dress.

Not sure if this mama bear baked the pie herself or stole it from from someone’s picnic basket. Either way, she’s just so adorable in her red, white, and blue dress.

53. Of course, ice cream with pickles are all what a bear needs when she has a cub in the oven.

Of course, this mama to be bear may be quite friendly and mostly in hibernation at first. But when a bear becomes a mama, she certainly becomes a force to be reckoned with. Seriously, after the cubs are born, don't ever piss her off!

Of course, this mama to be bear may be quite friendly and mostly in hibernation at first. But when a bear becomes a mama, she certainly becomes a force to be reckoned with. Get between her and her babies, and she will tear you apart. Seriously, after the cubs are born, don’t ever piss her off!

54. Now it’s customary of Inuit Teddy Bears to wear parkas in the polar regions.

Though penguins are cute animals, they actually live in the Southern Hemisphere and don't coexist with Inuit or Arctic wildlife. Still, I love how that bear looks in its cute little parka.

Though penguins are cute animals, they actually live in the Southern Hemisphere and don’t coexist with Inuit or Arctic wildlife. Still, I love how that bear looks in its cute little parka.

55. Hire this Handyman Teddy Bear to fix your broken heart.

Yes, this little handybear doesn't fix stuff with a pencil or rule. He's just handy with love and he's no fool. He just fixes broken hearts because he knows he surely can.

Yes, this little handybear doesn’t fix stuff with a pencil or rule. He’s just handy with love and he’s no fool. He just fixes broken hearts because he knows he surely can. Fixing 24 hours a day.

56. Sailor Teddy Bear serves as a proud member of the US Navy.

Of course, you have to love how he does his little paw salute. Nevertheless, I wouldn't want to be scrubbing the deck while wearing that outfit though.

Of course, you have to love how he does his little paw salute. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t want to be scrubbing the deck while wearing that outfit though.

57. Now this bear is only hurting for love, one blow at a time.

Either that, or this teddy was just looking for love in all the wrong places, naturally. Still, hope he gets well or finds the right person.

Either that, or this teddy was just looking for love in all the wrong places, naturally. Still, hope he gets well or finds the right person.

58. Of course, this Mother Goose bear can always read a rhyme or two to children.

Now I'm sure this bear thinks the goose is delicious (well, a wild bear would). Still, you have to love her adorable 18th century dress and cap.

Now I’m sure this bear thinks the goose is delicious (well, a wild bear would). Still, you have to love her adorable 18th century dress and cap.

59. This Teddy Bear EMT will save your life and drive you to the hospital in no time.

Of course, if anyone found a bear trying to resuscitate them in the ambulance (or driving one), most would pass out from shock. This is where the defibrillator comes in handy.

Of course, if anyone found a bear trying to resuscitate them in the ambulance (or driving one), most would pass out from shock. This is where the defibrillator comes in handy.

60. Here comes noted surgeon Dr. Bearensen appearing at the operating table in his scrubs.

Then again, this bear could be a nurse for you sometimes can't really tell in the operating room. Then again, nurses usually wear scrubs in the hospital while doctors don on lab coats outside the OR.

Then again, this bear could be a nurse for you sometimes can’t really tell in the operating room. Then again, nurses usually wear scrubs in the hospital while doctors don on lab coats outside the OR.

61. Count Furcula wants to suck your blood and be let into your heart.

Sure he may be a vampire with fangs, but he's far more cuddly than Edward Cullen from the Twilight series and much cuter, too. Still, doesn't seem pale by any means.

Sure he may be a vampire with fangs, but he’s far more cuddly than Edward Cullen from the Twilight series and much cuter, too. Still, doesn’t seem pale by any means.

62. Don’t worry, if you’re trapped in a burning building, this firefighting teddy will save you.

Of course, while he may be saving people and fighting fires on the outside, inside his heart is on fire and burning for love and cuddles.

Of course, while he may be saving people and fighting fires on the outside, inside his heart is on fire and burning for love and cuddles.

63. This bear teacher is always well loved by the cubs she teaches.

Man, she wears a dress similar to what a lot my teachers did while I was at Mendon. Of course, she's much more adorable than any of them there.

Man, she wears a dress similar to what a lot my teachers did while I was at Mendon. Of course, she’s much more adorable than any of them there.

64. Now Old Red Furbart is said to be the fastest draw in the Old West.

Now this cowpoke seems to be quite fancy for a rodeo or a shoot out. Still, he does look cute in his red shirt and blue jeans even if you don't want a cow near him.

Now this cowpoke seems to be quite fancy for a rodeo or a shoot out. Still, he does look cute in his red shirt and blue jeans even if you don’t want a cow near him.

65. Nothing makes this snow bear more eager for winter than being able to use his cross country skis.

Of course, he may go try out his skies in the Rocky Mountains or at Seven Springs this year. Yet, he certainly looks so cute in his sunglasses and snow gear.

Of course, he may go try out his skies in the Rocky Mountains or at Seven Springs this year. Yet, he certainly looks so cute in his sunglasses and snow gear.

66. Now this is what I’d call a true honey bear.

Of course, this Teddy Bear is probably the only one you can possibly trust with a hive. Seriously, real bears rip these places apart for the honey.

Of course, this Teddy Bear is probably the only one you can possibly trust with a hive. Seriously, real bears rip these places apart for the honey.

67. This Cupid Teddy Bear will shoot arrows that will make you fall in love.

Of course, unlike the popular chubby winged baby images, Cupid in Classical mythology was a handsome young man barely out of his teens. Then again, I wonder if there's a Teddy Bear of Pysche.

Of course, unlike the popular chubby winged baby images, Cupid in Classical mythology was a handsome young man barely out of his teens. Then again, I wonder if there’s a Teddy Bear of Pysche.

68. Zombie Teddy Bear is hungry for your brains, heart, and hugs.

 I don't know about you but I think this is probably a very funny Teddy Bear creation from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. Sure he'll probably turn you into something mindless and undead, but he's so irresistible to say the least.


I don’t know about you but I think this is probably a very funny Teddy Bear creation from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. Sure he’ll probably turn you into something mindless and undead, but he’s so irresistible to say the least.

69. As far as bears go, this one is certainly the Queen Bee of her castle.

She may be bossy but you have to love her beehive crown as well as black and yellow dress. I mean she's so cute that she might as well be sweet as honey. Yet, she may sting.

She may be bossy but you have to love her beehive crown as well as black and yellow dress. I mean she’s so cute that she might as well be sweet as honey. Yet, she may sting.

70. Of course, for this lender bear, everyone needs a bailout once in a while. Sort of.

Of course, this was a creation by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company in wake of the 2008 federal bailout to the jerks on Wall Street. I'm not sure that the money lent was ever paid back in full. Probably not.

Of course, this was a creation by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company in wake of the 2008 federal bailout to the jerks on Wall Street. I’m not sure that the money lent was ever paid back in full. Probably not.

71. Come and join Hugh Heffur and his den buddies at the Playbear Mansion.

Of course, Ted might've taught us that not all Teddy Bears are as sweet an wholesome as they're created to be. Still, I think this is kind of funny.

Of course, Ted might’ve taught us that not all Teddy Bears are as sweet an wholesome as they’re created to be. Still, I think this is kind of funny.

72. Ladies and Gentlemen, all hail, Her Royal Majesty Elizabearth II.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of the Queen of Great Britain in her royal regalia. And yeas, the crown does seem to be bigger than her head. Still, she's still so cute as a bear if you look at it.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of the Queen of Great Britain in her royal regalia. And yeas, the crown does seem to be bigger than her head. Still, she’s still so cute as a bear if you look at it.

73. This bad teddy was born to ride on the open road.

Now this bear looks adorably badass in his black leather, sunglasses, and denim. However, he forgot to follow one important lesson in safety which is to wear a helmet.

Now this bear looks adorably badass in his black leather, sunglasses, and denim. However, he forgot to follow one important lesson in safety which is to wear a helmet.

74. Now why don’t thee huggeth this adorable William Shakesbear?

“To bear, or not to bear, that is the question—
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Hives and Berries of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Claws against a Fleas of troubles,
And by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep—”

75. Legendary sleuth Furlock Holmes is on the case in A Study in Salmon.

Of course, in the original Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries, Sherlock Holmes didn't wear his tweed coat or his deerstalker cap he's seen with in the Basil Rathbone movies. However, he did smoke a pipe as well as got on Watson's nerves from time to time as an eccentric roommate on Baker Street.

Of course, in the original Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries, Sherlock Holmes didn’t wear his tweed coat or his deerstalker cap he’s seen with in the Basil Rathbone movies. However, he did smoke a pipe as well as got on Watson’s nerves from time to time as an eccentric roommate on Baker Street.

76. The crew of the Bear Trek Enterprise venture to seek new worlds and new civilizations as well as go where no bear has gone before.

No, the Spock Teddy Bear isn't a dog. He just has his ears turned pointy like a dog's because he's a Vulcan. Also, I wonder if Captain Kirk's bear has a thing for alien green bear girls or just girls in general.

No, the Spock Teddy Bear isn’t a dog. He just has his ears turned pointy like a dog’s because he’s a Vulcan (which you don’t want to see at Pon Pharr). Also, I wonder if Captain Kirk’s bear has a thing for alien green bear girls or just girls in general.

77. Now these three BDSM bears are certainly getting kinky downstairs.

Sure they may be adorable but these cute little Teddy Bears are certainly not for kids. Nevertheless, they're pretty funny in full gimp gear in all.

Sure they may be adorable but these cute little Teddy Bears are certainly not for kids. Nevertheless, they’re pretty funny in full gimp gear in all.

78. In his mask and cape, the legendary Zorro leaps in to save the day.

Yes, this swinging swashbuckler manages to outwit and disarm bad guys as well as steal your heart. Nevertheless, that outfit is simply adorable.

Yes, this swinging swashbuckler manages to outwit and disarm bad guys as well as steal your heart. Nevertheless, that outfit is simply adorable.

79. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the King of Rock n’ Roll, Elvis Bearsley.

Sure he may be in his

Sure he may be in his “Jailhouse Rock” phase. But after he gets married and joins the army, his days of Vegas as well as peanut butter and banana sandwiches won’t be far behind.

80. Though Christmas may be over for now, I couldn’t do a post without leaving out Santa and Mrs. Paws.

Of course, Santa and his wife are so iconic in stature that I couldn't just leave them out of this post, even if Christmas is over. Nevertheless, the really do make an adorable couple.

Of course, Santa and his wife are so iconic in stature that I couldn’t just leave them out of this post, even if Christmas is over. Nevertheless, the really do make an adorable couple.

Make a Wish and Blow Out the Candles for These Birthday Party Cakes

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My birthday is on January 13th in which I’ll turn 25 this year and since I don’t have many ideas for January that involve cakes (save maybe Martin Luther King Jr. Day but I don’t want to go there), I thought a post about birthday cakes would be appropriate. I mean I’ve done one on baby shower and wedding cakes, so why not? Nevertheless, birthdays are usually celebrated with cakes and presents for the guest of honor at parties and such. Still, when you get technical about birthdays, you basically only have one of them such as the day you were born. The rest of what we call, “birthdays” are basically anniversaries of that moment as we get older. Of course, I’ve also been to a lot of birthday parties as well, mainly for little babies since I’m the oldest of 24 grandchildren on my mother’s side (the youngest who celebrated her first birthday this year, but I didn’t go to her party since she lives in Maryland), which is why I really don’t look forward to parties in general (other reasons being booze and loud music). Still, it’s always been tradition for people to have cakes specifically designed for them whether it be homemade or ordered from the store (the main focus of this post). And I bet birthday cakes make up a large percentage of bakeries’ earnings followed by weddings, christenings, anniversaries, etc. Though I can go on and on about the cute little birthday cakes I’ve seen, chances are you’d probably be bored to tears. Instead, I’ll show you all the kinds of cakes that are, horribly done, inappropriate for the birthday person’s age, offensive, or just so bad they’re unintentionally funny. Some of these might not be safe for work just to make that clear. So for your pleasure, here are some birthday cakes, gone horribly wrong.

1. What better cake for a boy’s birthday than a Star Wars one, featuring Jedi with light sabers, Boba Fett, Imperial Stormtroopers, and the Enterprise?

Let's hope this 7-year-old boy isn't part of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek fandom rivalry or else he's probably throw a tantrum. Still, we all should know that the Enterprise is from a whole different franchise! Such cake would certainly piss geeks off, at Comic Con and I'm sure this baker wouldn't want to be seen there.

Let’s hope this 7-year-old boy isn’t part of the Star Wars vs. Star Trek fandom rivalry or else he’s probably throw a tantrum. Still, we all should know that the Enterprise is from a whole different franchise! Such cake would certainly piss geeks off, at Comic Con and I’m sure this baker wouldn’t want to be seen there.

2. Nothing is better for a girl’s 21st birthday than a cake with Drunk Barbie puking in the toilet.

And I thought Barbie was supposed to be a good role model for girls, other than in terms of body image that is. Still, binge drinking is a real problem of teenagers and young adults, especially on college campuses. And it's a behavior that should never be encouraged. Still, they have a few of these and one with Ken, too, for boys.

And I thought Barbie was supposed to be a good role model for girls, other than in terms of body image that is. Still, binge drinking is a real problem of teenagers and young adults, especially on college campuses. And it’s a behavior that should never be encouraged. Still, they have a few of these and one with Ken, too, for boys.

3. Happy Birthday to the world’s youngest dad ever.

Now I think it's more likely that this was an inscriber's mistake and the guy who receives this is probably 80, not 8. Still, it's very disturbing if you think about it since a boy's chances of fatherhood in the second grade would be highly unlikely. That is, unless some woman molested him.

Now I think it’s more likely that this was an inscriber’s mistake and the guy who receives this is probably 80, not 8. Still, it’s very disturbing if you think about it since a boy’s chances of fatherhood in the second grade would be highly unlikely. That is, unless some woman molested him.

4. Happy birthday to the person who might need to see a podiatrist.

I know that this foot is supposed to represent a step or something. But still, that looks disgusting. Let's just say no to a cake pertaining to foot disease, shall we?

I know that this foot is supposed to represent a step or something. But still, that looks disgusting. Let’s just say no to a cake pertaining to foot disease, shall we?

5. For the girl who’s just become a teenager, I suppose a cake with boobs would go quite nicely.

For God's sake, as if sexualizing young girls and teenagers isn't enough. Seriously, sure girls may have breasts by the time they're 13, but that's no reason for getting a boob cake for them on their 13th birthdays! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl's parents?

For God’s sake, as if sexualizing young girls and teenagers isn’t enough. Seriously, sure girls may have breasts by the time they’re 13, but that’s no reason for getting a boob cake for them on their 13th birthdays! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this girl’s parents?

6. There is a no more appropriate cake for a 16-year old than one with the Bud Light logo on it….when he or she turns 21 five years later.

Seriously, what the fuck? Putting a Bud Light logo for a 16 year old's birthday cake? Teen drinking is illegal and anyone caught with a Bud Light gets arrested for under aged drinking. It's even worse for adults who serve alcohol to teens. For God's sake, why?

Seriously, what the fuck? Putting a Bud Light logo for a 16 year old’s birthday cake? Teen drinking is illegal and anyone caught with a Bud Light gets arrested for under aged drinking. It’s even worse for adults who serve alcohol to teens. For God’s sake, why?

7. Happy 17th birthday, baby girl, and hope you don’t go into labor at prom.

Those who've seen my post on baby shower cakes would be familiar with this design. And if a pregnant torso cake is bad enough for a baby shower, then one for girl's 17th birthday is just very inappropriate. Seriously, we have 16 and Pregnant, daytime talk shows, and Teen Mom, do we have to have anything else pertaining to teen pregnancy?

Those who’ve seen my post on baby shower cakes would be familiar with this design, which I thought was in very poor taste. And if a pregnant torso cake is bad enough for a baby shower, then one for girl’s 17th birthday is just very inappropriate. Seriously, we have 16 and Pregnant, sex ed, daytime talk shows, and Teen Mom, do we have to have anything else pertaining to teen pregnancy?

8. Sure I’m perfectly fine with a castle cake for a little girl’s birthday party, especially if it has a princess theme. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, perhaps this cake isn't appropriate for Aubrie's birthday party and perhaps more suitable for her bachelorette party when she gets older. Seriously, there's just something phallic about those pink castle towers for some reason. Maybe the baker shouldn't have gone with cones.

Then again, perhaps this cake isn’t appropriate for Aubrie’s birthday party and perhaps more suitable for her bachelorette party when she gets older. Seriously, there’s just something phallic about those pink castle towers for some reason. Maybe the baker shouldn’t have gone with cones.

9. Happy 4th Birthday, Dylan, and by the way, we had Peanut put down.

The parents probably thought their plan was a success since their son Dylan still hadn't learned to read. But still, if Peanut had died when Dylan turned 5, then he probably would've ran out of the room crying. Nevertheless, is there any birthday cake for a 4-year-old more depressing than this?

The parents probably thought their plan was a success since their son Dylan still hadn’t learned to read. But still, if Peanut had died when Dylan turned 5, then he probably would’ve ran out of the room crying. Nevertheless, is there any birthday cake for a 4-year-old more depressing than this?

10. Happy Birthday, to uh, what’s his name again?

Of course, if you're the person at the office who has to order a cake for a co-worker and you can't remember his or her name, then this is the perfect cake for you.

Of course, if you’re the person at the office who has to order a cake for a co-worker and you can’t remember his or her name, then this is the perfect cake for you.

11. Nothing makes a better birthday cake for a 6-year-old girl than one with a lot of dangerous weapons that can kill you, courtesy of the NRA.

Why the fuck would anybody order a birthday cake like that for a little girl? Now gender differences aside, I think a cake pertaining to Disney Princesses, Barbie, or My Little Pony would've been more appropriate. Also, cakes that look pink and feminine as well as catered to little girls. Any of those choices would've been much more appropriate than having a theme for a little girl's cake that advocates violence. I just wonder what's going through Mercedes' parents' minds.

Why the fuck would anybody order a birthday cake like that for a little girl? Now I have nothing against this cake being for a girl. Yet, I think a cake pertaining to Disney Princesses, Barbie, or My Little Pony would’ve done fine (same goes for boys as well). Also, cakes that look pink and feminine as well as catered to little girls (though if boys like that, that’s okay, too). Any of those choices would’ve been much more appropriate for any 6 year old’s cake than a theme advocating violence. I just wonder what’s going through Mercedes’ parents’ minds (NRA diehards who probably did this to show their support for the 2nd Amendment, assholes). This is just fucking insane!

12. Of course, what better venue could there be for a baby’s first birthday than Hooters?

Jesus Christ, can there be a worse place to celebrate a baby's first birthday than at a restaurant known for their scantily clad waitresses with enhanced sex appeal? Then again, there are strip clubs and night clubs. Still, just E. J. is the child of one of the staff.

Jesus Christ, can there be a worse place to celebrate a baby’s first birthday than at a restaurant known for their scantily clad waitresses with enhanced sex appeal? Then again, there are strip clubs and night clubs. Still, just E. J. is the child of one of the staff.

13. No cake theme commemorates a baby’s first birthday better than deer hunting season.

Sure the scenery may be pretty and S. J. won't remember a thing about this special day. But, c'mon, is a cake depicting the last moments of a buck's life an appropriate subject for a first birthday cake? Perhaps it would be better just to remove the hunter.

Sure the scenery may be pretty and S. J. won’t remember a thing about this special day. But, c’mon, is a cake depicting the last moments of a buck’s life an appropriate subject for a first birthday cake? Perhaps it would be better just to remove the hunter.

14. Man, turning a year old must be a big milestone in a person’s life isn’t it?

If by, Levi, you mean your pet hamster, then yes, I'm sure this will do fine since they only live for 2-4 years anyway. However, if by Levi, you mean your child, then what the hell? One year olds are still babies who might be on the verge of walking if they aren't all ready. That isn't over the hill at all. Not even close. That's barely climbing it.

If by, Levi, you mean your pet hamster, then yes, I’m sure this will do fine since they only live for 2-4 years anyway. However, if by Levi, you mean your child, then what the hell? One year olds are still babies who might be on the verge of walking if they aren’t all ready. That isn’t over the hill at all. Not even close even for Benjamin Button. That’s barely climbing it.

15. Happy second, I mean first birthday little Ritchie. I’m confused.

Maybe the boy's parents couldn't get a cake shaped like a 1 so they got him a 2 cake instead. Either that, or the bakers made a mistake. Still, talk about getting your years mixed up.

Maybe the boy’s parents couldn’t get a cake shaped like a 1 so they got him a 2 cake instead. Either that, or the bakers made a mistake. Still, talk about getting your years mixed up.

16. Now this is certainly a first birthday cake with a 1 on it or so it’s suppose to be.

Okay, now that may not look like a 1. Seriously, there's something phallic about that number for some reason. Nevertheless, if a baker can't do a 1 properly, he or she could just have cut a straight line. This cake seems like it's more cut out for a bachelorette party than a baby one.

Okay, now that may not look like a 1. Seriously, there’s something phallic about that number for some reason. Nevertheless, if a baker can’t do a 1 properly, he or she could just have cut a straight line. This cake seems like it’s more cut out for a bachelorette party than a baby one.

17. Best wishes for your second birthday, John, courtesy of angry Big Bird.

If Sesame Street's Big Bird was a character from the Angry Birds game, he'd look like this. Seriously, that's such a a terrible rendition and I'm sure every 2 year old would know that Big Bird doesn't look like that.

If Sesame Street’s Big Bird was a character from the Angry Birds game, he’d look like this. Seriously, that’s such a a terrible rendition and I’m sure every 2 year old would know that Big Bird doesn’t look like that.

18. Hope your birthday is filled with high times, Tawn.

If this cake is made from hashish brownies, then it's safe to say that it probably came from a marijuana bakery from Colorado or Washington. Still, other than the brown patch in the corner, it's a birthday cake Willie Nelson would approve.

If this cake is made from hashish brownies, then it’s safe to say that it probably came from a marijuana bakery from Colorado or Washington. Still, other than the brown patch in the corner, it’s a birthday cake Willie Nelson would approve. Hope the guests manage to toke a piece from this pastry of weed.

19. Happy Birthday, Mel, from your defecating My Little Pony.

Seems that Rarity doesn't take too well to Mexican food for some reason. Either that, or she has a case for diarrhea real bad with a perhaps spastic colon. Guess she should go see the vet about that.

Seems that Rarity (and I had to look her name up) doesn’t take too well to Mexican food for some reason. Either that, or she has a case for diarrhea real bad with a perhaps spastic colon. Guess she should go see the vet about that. Yet, her shitting is a rarity, folks.

19. Of course, you can’t throw a kid’s birthday party without a cake of Cookie Monster having a beer.

Sure cookies may not be nutritious snacks, but at least they're better for Cookie Monster to consume on a child's birthday cake than a swig of beer. Seriously, Cookie Monster's alcohol consumption really isn't making him a good role model on Sesame Street. Still, I kind of wish Cooke Monster would go back to eating cookies.

Sure cookies may not be nutritious snacks, but at least they’re better for Cookie Monster to consume on a child’s birthday cake than a swig of beer. Seriously, Cookie Monster’s alcohol consumption really isn’t making him a good role model on Sesame Street. Still, I kind of wish Cooke Monster would go back to eating cookies. And is that pink spot a nipple? Gross!

20. Happy a-5th Birthday, Tony, courtesy of the 1970s porn incarnation of Mario.

Sure Mario may be wearing overalls, but this isn't really a picture of him I'd like to see on a child's birthday cake, especially for a 5-year-old. Still, Princess Peach must've thought Mario looked sexy in that outfit.

Sure Mario may be wearing overalls, but this isn’t really a picture of him I’d like to see on a child’s birthday cake, especially for a 5-year-old. Still, Princess Peach must’ve thought Mario looked sexy in that outfit.

21. Happy 40th birthday, Shelley, from the Dominatrix Hello Kitty.

This is the kind of birthday cake you give to a woman who has a thing for Hello Kitty as well as the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. What would even be funnier would be if Hello Kitty was with a grey Tomcat in this one. Nevertheless, unlike some of the other cakes so far, this is at least age appropriate despite its disturbing implications.

This is the kind of birthday cake you give to a woman who has a thing for Hello Kitty as well as the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy. What would even be funnier would be if Hello Kitty was with a grey Tomcat in this one. Nevertheless, unlike some of the other cakes so far, this is at least age appropriate and doesn’t promote bad behavior despite its disturbing implications.

22. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one depicting a standing 2 legged horse with chainsaws.

If Leatherface wanted a pony when he was growing up, this bronco would've been perfect. Still, whoever came up with this idea must not have been right in the head to say the least. That, or probably thought a cake with a horse and chainsaws would've been cool.

If Leatherface wanted a pony when he was growing up, this bronco would’ve been perfect. Still, whoever came up with this idea must not have been right in the head to say the least. That, or probably thought a cake with a horse and chainsaws would’ve been cool.

23. You see, kids, unicorns do expel rainbows from their behinds.

Of course, we all know that horses shit a lot, do we? Still, unlike the boob cake, this is certainly appropriate for a 13 year old girl. Disgusting, but appropriate.

Of course, we all know that horses shit a lot, do we? Still, unlike the boob cake, this is certainly appropriate for a 13 year old girl. Disgusting, but appropriate.

24. Nothing says, “Happy Birthday” better for a girl than a dangerous impaling unicorn on the rampage.

Still, while the other unicorn cake was probably accidental in the design, this one was probably done on purpose. I'm sure Katherine isn't a young girl in the least. Still, despite being traumatizing to kids, it's pretty funny.

Still, while the other unicorn cake was probably accidental in the design, this one was probably done on purpose. I’m sure Katherine isn’t a young girl in the least. Still, despite being traumatizing to kids, it’s pretty funny.

25. Happy Birthday, Scott, from Shitting Bull.

Of course, with Scott being at least a teenager, I'm sure he'd find a cake like this hilarious. Seriously, there's a lot of bathroom humor on Comedy Central, which is a channel popular for boys his age.

Of course, with Scott being at least a teenager, I’m sure he’d find a cake like this hilarious. Seriously, there’s a lot of bathroom humor on Comedy Central, which is a channel popular for boys his age.

26. Of course, for a 4 year old girl, you can’t go wrong with a horse cake.

Man, that horse sure looks creepy and it doesn't seem in the mood for sugar cubes. Perhaps it's after little girls' souls.

Man, that horse sure looks creepy and it doesn’t seem in the mood for sugar cubes. Perhaps it’s after little girls’ souls. Still, at least it doesn’t look like it’s from The Godfather.

27. Now this would be a perfect cake for someone in the exterminating business.

Then again, the dead hamster on its wheel kind of suggests that it wasn't ordered by a person who had much esteem for the guest of honor. In fact, he or she is probably someone who let the other person watch their pet hamster who died while he or she was on vacation. Still, it's possible that the hamster probably was 2-4 years old and died of natural causes.

Then again, the dead hamster on its wheel kind of suggests that it wasn’t ordered by a person who had much esteem for the guest of honor. In fact, he or she is probably someone who let the other person watch their pet hamster who died while he or she was on vacation. Still, it’s possible that the hamster probably was 2-4 years old and died of natural causes.

28. Looks like somebody doesn’t like Jarman.

This cake was supposed to say, "Happy Birthday, Jarman/You're an ace." Guess that someone really doesn't know the difference between "ass" or "ace" or the person ordering it just had really bad handwriting.

This cake was supposed to say, “Happy Birthday, Jarman/You’re an ace.” Guess that someone really doesn’t know the difference between “ass” or “ace” or the person ordering it just had really bad handwriting.

29. Of course, when it comes to little girl birthday cakes, you can’t go wrong with Disney Princesses.

Okay, some baker managed to make many of the Disney princesses I grew up with seem strangely terrifying for some reason. Seriously, these look so freaky looking.

Okay, some baker managed to make many of the Disney princesses I grew up with seem strangely terrifying for some reason. Seriously, these look so freaky looking.

30. Happy 3rd Birthday, Princess Alyssa, from drunken skank whore Belle.

Man, and I thought Belle was supposed to be one of the best role models of all the Disney Princesses, sans the Stockholm Syndrome involved. Not to mention, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a little girl. My childhood is ruined.

Man, and I thought Belle was supposed to be one of the best role models of all the Disney Princesses, sans the Stockholm Syndrome involved. Not to mention, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a little girl. My childhood is ruined.

31. Now perhaps Snow White is a safe cake idea. What can go wrong with her?

Yikes! For God's sake what's with the hand coming out from her dress? Seriously, that's just terrifying if you ask me. That's not normal at all.

Yikes! For God’s sake what’s with the hand coming out from her dress? Seriously, that’s just terrifying if you ask me. That’s not normal at all.

32. Okay, so perhaps a princess birthday cake doesn’t need to be from Disney then.

So I suppose that this is the princess from "The Frog Prince" story transformed into a menacing evil sorceress. Then again, from what I read about it, the frog was kind of an asshole who thought she owed him sex after he found her golden ball from the well.

So I suppose that this is the princess from “The Frog Prince” story transformed into a menacing evil sorceress. Then again, from what I read about it, the frog was kind of an asshole who thought she owed him sex after he found her golden ball from the well.

33. Happy Birthday, to the unemployed 34-year-old person who hasn’t moved out of his or parents’ house yet.

Even funnier is that hist cake is decorated with a pacifier and Barbie rings. Still, the message is kind of sad yet fairly funny at the same time.

Even funnier is that hist cake is decorated with a pacifier and Barbie rings. Still, the message is kind of sad yet fairly funny at the same time.

35. Nothing makes a better birthday cake than one depicting a person guillotining him or herself.

Then again, Neil may just be a professor of history who's area of expertise is the French Revolution. Still, quite gory if you ask me and very likely to traumatize children.

Then again, Neil may just be a professor of history who’s area of expertise is the French Revolution. Still, quite gory if you ask me and guaranteed to traumatize children.

36. Now what better cake for a 4 year old boy than one depicting his favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? What can possibly go wrong with that?

Seems like life hasn't been going too well for Leonardo. Yet, why try to stab himself in the head for God's sake? Still, better call the suicidal hotline, pronto.

Seems like life hasn’t been going too well for Leonardo. Yet, why try to stab himself in the head for God’s sake? Still, better call the suicidal hotline, pronto.

37. A Buzz Lightyear cake. Surely, nothing bad can happen here.

Okay, so is Buzz Lightyear supposed to be an Egyptian Pharaoh or a space explorer. Having seen Toy Story, I'd say space explorer but he looks pretty stiff like a Pharaoh's sarcophagus.

Okay, so is Buzz Lightyear supposed to be an Egyptian Pharaoh or a space explorer. Having seen Toy Story, I’d say space explorer but he looks pretty stiff like a Pharaoh’s sarcophagus.

38. I’m sure a 3-year-old would delight in this Dora the Explorer cake.

Okay, so this baker seems to have done the unthinkable. Make the adorable Dora the Explorer utterly terrifying through the motif of of Pre-Columbian art or just plain terrible artistry. Still, this cake is bound to give little Lily nightmares when she sees this. Jesus Christ.

Okay, so this baker seems to have done the unthinkable. Make the adorable Dora the Explorer utterly terrifying through the motif of of Pre-Columbian art or just plain terrible artistry. Still, this cake is bound to give little Lily nightmares when she sees this. Jesus Christ.

39. Of course, clowns are often a theme of many kids’ cakes. Apparently parents seem to find them acceptable decor for some reason. Let’s see how this one figures out.

Actually I think clowns are quite freaky, lame, and perhaps scary. Unsurprisingly, I find this horrifying for obvious reasons. May lead any small child into a lifetime of therapy.

Actually I think clowns are quite freaky, lame, and perhaps scary. Unsurprisingly, I find this horrifying for obvious reasons. May lead any small child into a lifetime of therapy.

40. Now I’m sure a caterpillar is perfect for a baby’s first birthday cake. Nothing can go wrong with that.

Now I don't know about you but that is perhaps the scariest caterpillar I've ever seen. Makes me unlikely to want to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar ever again.

Now I don’t know about you but that is perhaps the scariest caterpillar I’ve ever seen. Makes me unlikely to want to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar ever again.

41. Oh, boy, a baseball cake. Perhaps there may be some scandals with steroid use in the MLB but I’m sure this is a perfectly appropriate cake theme for a boy’s birthday.

Okay, that now that long phallic thing certainly looks woody but it in now way resembles a baseball bat to me. Yet, I'm not sure if this 6-year-old birthday boy seems to notice. If he does, then he might find it funny.

Okay, that now that long phallic log certainly looks woody and hard but it in now way resembles a baseball bat to me. Yet, I’m not sure if this 6-year-old birthday boy seems to notice. If he does, then he might find it funny. Not sure if it would hit a home run with the parents though.

42. Now I’m sure a bear won’t do any harm for a baby boy’s first birthday cake.

For those who've learned how to write in cursive, you'd know exactly why I included this cake on this post. By the way, the boy''s name in question is supposed to be, "Tucker." Yeah. The bear is fine, by the way.

For those who’ve learned how to write in cursive, you’d know exactly why I included this cake on this post. By the way, the boy”s name in question is supposed to be, “Tucker.” Yeah. The bear is fine, by the way.

43. Happy first Birthday, Vanessa, from the homicidal giraffe.

I know that's just red icing but it just reminds me of blood for some reason. Also, that giraffe is utterly terrifying if you ask me. Yes, he's out to kill and he will find you!

I know that’s just red icing but it just reminds me of blood for some reason. Also, that giraffe is utterly terrifying if you ask me. Yes, he’s out to kill and he will find you!

44. Superheroes are certainly a decent party theme for boy’s birthdays at any age, even if it’s Marvel’s Avengers.

Still, if your son is turning 3, perhaps a cake depicting Thor's hammer isn't a good idea. I mean there's a chance that Mjolnir might have the tendency to resemble male genitalia. Just saying.

Still, if your son is turning 3, perhaps a cake depicting Thor’s hammer isn’t a good idea. I mean there’s a chance that Mjolnir might have the tendency to resemble male genitalia. Just saying.

45. If you’re kid likes marine life, a fish cake is certainly a decent choice.

Nevertheless, if you present a cake like this to little Tyler it's very likely he's going to cry if he knows about fish corpses floating at the surface upside down. Seriously, unless the parents turn the fish around, this is a pretty sad birthday cake for children. I mean birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, not reminding kids of death.

Nevertheless, if you present a cake like this to little Tyler it’s very likely he’s going to cry if he knows about fish corpses floating at the surface upside down. Seriously, unless the parents turn the fish around, this is a pretty sad birthday cake for children. I mean birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions, not reminding kids of death.

46. I think it’s rather nice for 6 year old Jeff to show his feminine side.

Actually this cake is for a little 6 year old girl named Jess. Yeah, I have no idea how any decorator could make that mistake, especially on a birthday cake that's obviously for a girl. I mean Jeff is definitely a boy's name.

Actually this cake is for a little 6 year old girl named Jess. Yeah, I have no idea how any decorator could make that mistake, especially on a birthday cake that’s obviously for a girl. I mean Jeff is definitely a boy’s name.

47. As I know from watching my cousins grow up, Thomas the Tank Engine is very popular. Nonetheless, he’s become a viable birthday theme for young boys.

Seems that Thomas is very keen on running somebody over right now. Seriously, his eyes have this kind of a possessed look like a serial killer intent on killing somebody for the thrill of it all.

Seems that Thomas is very keen on running somebody over right now. Seriously, his eyes have this kind of a possessed look like a serial killer intent on killing somebody for the thrill of it all.

48. Now lighthouses make great picturesque sights in photos and paintings. So it’s only natural they should be on birthday cakes.

Seems like Billy Joel wasn't the only one working with the rod and the reel in "Downeaster Alexa." And if you saw this cake, you can even say it glows.

Seems like Billy Joel wasn’t the only one working with the rod and the reel in “Downeaster Alexa.” At least you don’t need to tell this baker’s wife he’s trawling Atlantis but I’m not sure he has his hands on the wheel.

49. Happy Birthday Jamie sponsored by Chevron, the company fracking land in my neighborhood (bastards).

Of course, the person who ordered this cake, wanted a chevron shape on this cake since the recipient is in the military. Instead, they got a a Big Oil company logo that's now causing widespread environmental damage. Not to mention, it's known for apologizing for a devastating gas well explosion to Greene County by giving them coupons for pizza and pop. Seriously, look it up.

Of course, the person who ordered this cake, wanted a chevron shape on this cake since the recipient is in the military. Instead, they got a a Big Oil company logo that’s now causing widespread environmental damage. Not to mention, it’s known for apologizing for a devastating gas explosion to Greene County by giving them coupons for pizza and pop. Lamest apology ever. Seriously, this really happened.

50. Of course, nothing says, “Happy Birthday” better than a cake of a headless woman in a poodle skirt.

Sure this cake won't frighten the kids, honestly. Yeah, right. Still, this woman is said to be a direct descendant of the Headless Horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

Sure this cake won’t frighten the kids, honestly. Yeah, right. Still, this woman is said to be a direct descendant of the Headless Horseman from The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

51. Now while Barney the Purple Dinosaur makes adults want to scream, he should be perfect for a child’s 4th birthday cake.

I have to admit, this ferocious Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually kind of cool as well as an improvement to the original. However, this incarnation might make little Patrick pee his pants upon sight. But still, I can't blame the baker.

I have to admit, this ferocious Barney the Purple Dinosaur is actually kind of cool as well as an improvement to the original. However, this incarnation might make little Patrick pee his pants upon sight. But still, I can’t blame the baker.

52. Of course, when it comes to fairy tale themes on kids’ cakes, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with “The Three Little Pigs.”

On second thought, maybe "The Three Little Pigs" wasn't a good idea for 5-year-old Phillipas birthday cake. Yes, the Big Bad Wolf chasing his bacon will probably cause little kids nightmares. Of course, in the original version, he eats the first 2.

On second thought, maybe “The Three Little Pigs” wasn’t a good idea for 5-year-old Phillipas birthday cake. Yes, the Big Bad Wolf chasing his bacon will probably cause little kids nightmares. Of course, in the original version, he eats the first 2.

53. Of course, nothing commemorates a boy’s first birthday than a cake with elephants.

Oh, my God, have I ever seen a first birthday cake so depressing as this? I mean the elephants on this cake look as if they're all dead. Seriously, a first birthday cake is no platform to protest the black market ivory trade that funds terrorism and hurts the environment. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this decorator?

Oh, my God, have I ever seen a first birthday cake so depressing as this? I mean the elephants on this cake look as if they’re all dead. Seriously, a first birthday cake is no platform to protest the black market ivory trade that funds terrorism and hurts the environment. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with this decorator?

54. Of course, when it comes to birthday cakes, some decorators follow order directions to perfection.

Then there are some cake decorators who write on the cakes everything they heard on the phone as well. Still, at least this one followed directions, but maybe a little overboard.

Then there are some cake decorators who write on the cakes everything they heard on the phone as well. Still, at least this one followed directions, but maybe a little overboard.

55. Of course, birthday cakes aren’t always for kids. This one is for an older guy as seen by the wheelchair.

Okay, I'm not sure why they call a wheelchair bound guy "Chucknuts" and I really don't want to know. Then again, this could just be for a party with the guy's friends, not his grandchildren.

Okay, I’m not sure why they call a wheelchair bound guy “Chucknuts” and I really don’t want to know. Then again, this could just be for a party with the guy’s friends, not his grandchildren.

56. For a 4-year-old girl, you can’t go wrong with just a standard cake with flowers.

Sure the yellow flowers are pretty, but wait a minute. What the hell is a burning house doing here for God's sake? Still, I'm sure it won't traumatize little Isabella. Yeah right.

Sure the yellow flowers are pretty, but wait a minute. What the hell is a burning house doing here for God’s sake? Still, I’m sure it won’t traumatize little Isabella. Yeah right.

57. For a young boy, I’m sure this shorts cake will do quite nicely.

There's something rising from this cake's shorts. And as I can see it from the candles, Eamon is at least 8 years old. And a Joe Boxer cake is certainly not appropriate for a boy that age. Basically the boy's version of the boob cake. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

There’s something rising from this cake’s shorts. And as I can see it from the candles, Eamon is at least 8 years old. And a Joe Boxer cake is certainly not appropriate for a boy that age. Basically the boy’s version of the boob cake. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking?

58. Happy 7th Birthday, Kailey, and by the way, you’re going to die.

I know we must all die someday. But is really all right to bring this up on a 7-year-old girl's birthday cake? Sure she may have a birthday near Halloween but still. I'm not sure a tombstone cake is a good idea.

I know we must all die someday. But is really all right to bring this up on a 7-year-old girl’s birthday cake? Sure she may have a birthday near Halloween but still. I’m not sure a tombstone cake is a good idea.

59. Looks like somebody’s holding a grudge here.

Okay, let's just hope this cake isn't at some party with the guest of honor surrounded by friends and family. Because that would be bad. And let's just say, this is about as inappropriate as they come.

Okay, let’s just hope this cake isn’t at some party with the guest of honor surrounded by friends and family. Because that would be bad. And let’s just say, this is about as inappropriate as they come.

60. Nevertheless, you can’t go wrong with space aliens here, especially when it pertains to a 2-year-old’s birthday.

Now the space aliens on this cake are find. It's just that the cake decorator seemed to think their faces were upside down, and thus that's why the writing is what it is. Still, the kid's 2 so it's not like he'll notice anyway.

Now the space aliens on this cake are find. It’s just that the cake decorator seemed to think their faces were upside down, and thus that’s why the writing is what it is. Still, the kid’s 2 so it’s not like he’ll notice anyway.

61. Happy Birthday….or not.

Seriously, if you were going to stage an intervention about someone's drinking problem, I'd sure as hell wouldn't think writing it on the cake is a good idea. Just saying.

Seriously, if you were going to stage an intervention about someone’s drinking problem, I’d sure as hell wouldn’t think writing it on the cake is a good idea. Just saying.

62. Seems like Kathy isn’t well liked by those who are supposed to love her. So sad.

According to the candle count, it's possible that Kathy is 4 years old. It may not be the case, but if she is, chances are she'll probably throw a tantrum at her party, if she's able to read it.

According to the candle count, it’s possible that Kathy is 4 years old. It may not be the case, but if she is, chances are she’ll probably throw a tantrum at her party, if she’s able to read it. Still, that’s pretty cruel.

63. Some cake decorators follow directions all too well, while others not in the intended context.

Of course, who ever ordered this birthday cake severely overestimated the cake decorator's intelligence. Seriously, the person just wrote, "the picture is in the flash drive" instead of getting the picture from the flash drive.

Of course, who ever ordered this birthday cake severely overestimated the cake decorator’s intelligence. Seriously, the person just wrote, “the picture is on the flash drive” instead of getting the picture from the flash drive.

64. Sure a donkey birthday cake is a splendid idea. Nothing can possibly go wrong with that.

Let's just say, you probably don't want to invite this cake decorator to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I mean even if he or she doesn't have blind fold, they still don't have any idea where a donkey's tail should be.

Let’s just say, you probably don’t want to invite this cake decorator to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I mean even if he or she doesn’t have blind fold, they still don’t have any idea where a donkey’s tail should be.

65. Of course, for ladies who enjoy sleazy Harlequin Romance novels, I’m sure a shirtless guy taking his pants off would just be the perfect cake for you.

Oh, no. Just no. Please, I'd perfectly fine if that cake was for a woman but Tracy is supposed to be a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, couldn't her parents just order a cake with The Hunger Games theme instead? At least that would've been more appropriate since the books are in the Young Adult genre.

Oh, no. Just no. Please, I’d perfectly fine if that cake was for a woman but Tracy is supposed to be a 14-year-old girl. Seriously, couldn’t her parents just order a cake with The Hunger Games theme instead? At least that would’ve been more appropriate since the books are in the Young Adult genre.

66. Now that Ashley has turned 18, she can start buying menthols for the whole family.

Seriously, just because a someone's able to buy cigarettes after they turn 18, doesn't mean a cigarette themed cake is a good idea. In fact, it's certainly not. I mean tobacco addiction is a worldwide health issue, which kills people every day from respiratory disease, cancer, COPD, emphysema.  and other wonderful chronic and life threatening ailments.

Seriously, just because a someone’s able to buy cigarettes after they turn 18, doesn’t mean a cigarette themed cake is a good idea since tobacco kills a third of its users. In fact, it’s certainly not. I mean tobacco addiction is a worldwide health issue, which kills people every day from respiratory disease, cancer, COPD, emphysema. and other wonderful chronic and life threatening ailments.

67. Happy 20th Birthday, alleged teen dad.

This may either be an anniversary cake or a birthday cake with a typo. Either way, the 20th doesn't glowingly reflect his parenting skills. Seriously, most 20-year-old dads are either deadbeats or don't even know they are dads in the first place. Sure there may be some responsible dads that age, but they're a rarity.

This may either be a wedding anniversary cake or a birthday cake with a typo. Either way, the 20th doesn’t glowingly reflect his parenting skills. Seriously, most 20-year-old dads are either deadbeats or don’t even know they are dads in the first place. Sure there may be some responsible dads that age, but they’re a rarity.

68. If you have any Republicans in your family, celebrate their birthdays with a one of a kind Ronald Reagan cake.

Now I am not a fan of Ronald Reagan and don't think of him as a great president (in truth I view him as quite the opposite). However, I understand that many Republicans view him on the same level of Jesus for some reason. Nevertheless, even if you know a Republican who has a birthday, you probably want to keep politics out of it. Seriously, such subject can really ruin a party.

Now I am not a fan of Ronald Reagan and don’t think of him as a great president (in truth I view him as quite the opposite). However, I understand that many Republicans view him on the same level of Jesus for some reason. Nevertheless, even if you know a Republican who has a birthday, you probably want to keep politics out of it. Seriously, such subject can really ruin a party.

69. Happy 9th Birthday, sweetie, courtesy of Pedobear.

Okay, I know Pedobear is a character used to detect and make fun of pedophiles on the internet. However, this doesn't mean he's the kind of character you'd want on a 9-year-old's cake. Also, "herd" should be "heard."

Okay, I know Pedobear is a character used to detect and make fun of pedophiles on the internet. However, this doesn’t mean he’s the kind of character you’d want on a 9-year-old’s cake. Also, “herd” should be “heard.”

70. Now I have no problem with Spiderman being on a boy’s birthday cake since they love superheros.

Peter Parker, I know you're probably a young man. However, maybe it's not a good idea to twerk in front of kids, especially in your Spiderman suit. Okay?

Peter Parker, I know you’re probably a nice young man who the kids view as a role model. However, maybe it’s not a good idea to twerk in front of kids, especially in your Spiderman suit. Okay?

71. Of course, if you don’t think icing is a good idea for letters, maybe you should go with sugar letters seen at any grocery store.

Now seriously, that's a really mean thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially on his or her birthday.  I mean the kid's most likely in kindergarten for God's sake, even if that may be true.

Now seriously, that’s a really mean thing to say to a 6-year-old, especially on his or her birthday. I mean the kid’s most likely in kindergarten for God’s sake, even if that may be true.

72. When it comes to boys, I’m sure a birthday cake theme of his favorite video game will do no harm.

Unless it's a Grand Theft Auto cake for a 4-year-old. I mean that game is rated M for Mature due to violence and adult content. Seriously, this cake is not appropriate for a 4-year-old all. Nevertheless, what does a cake like this say about Lil' Derrick's parents for God's sake?

Unless it’s a Grand Theft Auto cake for a 4-year-old. I mean that game is rated M for Mature due to violence and adult content. Seriously, this cake is not appropriate for a 4-year-old all. Nevertheless, what does a cake like this say about Lil’ Derrick’s parents for God’s sake?

73. Now that this guy has turned 21, he can finally have a birthday cake of a stripper butt and a glass of beer.

Now just because turning 2l makes a guy legally eligible to enter a strip club or drink, doesn't mean you should commemorate that eligibility with a birthday cake. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys who are probably not into strip clubs anyway. Nevertheless, wouldn't be surprised if this cake was made for a frat boy.

Now just because turning 21 makes a guy legally eligible to enter a strip club or drink, doesn’t mean you should commemorate that eligibility with a birthday cake. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys who are probably not into strip clubs anyway. Nevertheless, wouldn’t be surprised if this cake was made for a frat boy or NCAA Division I college athlete.

74. Sure a baby picture cake seems like a cute and wholesome idea.

Okay, now that's a baby is just creepy. And even if Kelly looked like that, she was probably cuter. This baby seems like it wants to suck the soul out every person she encounters.

Okay, now that’s a baby is just creepy. And even if Kelly looked like that, she was probably cuter. This baby seems like it wants to suck the soul out every person she encounters.

75. Now I may not like Playboy, but I see nothing wrong with having a Playboy cake for a grown man’s birthday.

Jesus Christ! This is for a 12-year-old girl, which is just wrong. Seriously, now I have nothing against Holly having a bunny cake for her birthday. But a Playboy Bunny cake, well, that's just inappropriate on many levels.

Jesus Christ! This is for a 12-year-old girl, which is just wrong. Seriously, now I have nothing against Holly having a bunny cake for her birthday. But a Playboy Bunny cake, well, that’s just inappropriate on many levels. I wonder why her parents would even think of  ordering this.

76. Of course, when it comes to big birthday parties, sometimes 2 cakes are  better than one.

You'd think this is for a mother's 30th birthday party. Yet, when you see the other cake, turns out it's actually for her 60th. Nevertheless, pretty mean if you ask me.

You’d think this is for a mother’s 30th birthday party. Yet, when you see the other cake, turns out it’s actually for her 60th. Nevertheless, pretty mean if you ask me.

77. Happy Birthday, Dana, and if you’re scratching in your nether region, that that was me. Sorry.

Sure this cake may not be appropriate for a birthday, but at least the guy let Dana know about his STD and apologized. Also, he remembered her birthday and sent her a cake for the occasion. A lot of guys don't even do any of that.

Sure this cake may not be appropriate for a birthday, but at least the guy let Dana know about his STD and apologized. Also, he remembered her birthday and sent her a cake for the occasion. A lot of guys don’t even do any of that.

78. Now I’m sure a birthday cake with cars is perfectly fine for a boy.

Hmm, seems like there's been an accident on the the intersection, which could've been prevented with simply installing a goddamn traffic light. Then again, it's probably a country road. And now the birthday boy's just wet his pants. Still, the car position reminds me of Matthew Crawley's death scene from Season 3 of Downton Abbey.

Hmm, seems like there’s been an accident on the the intersection, which could’ve been prevented with simply installing a goddamn traffic light. Then again, it’s probably a country road. And now the birthday boy’s just wet his pants. Still, the car position reminds me of Matthew Crawley’s death scene from Season 3 of Downton Abbey.

79. Have a hairy Birthday, Emma, courtesy of 1970s Tom Selleck.

Then again, maybe Emma is a fan of Tom Selleck and his hairy chest. Still, doesn't help that he looks like a creepy 1970s porn star on this cake. By the way, his chest hair is represented by sprinkles.

Then again, maybe Emma is a fan of Tom Selleck and his hairy chest. Still, doesn’t help that he looks like a creepy 1970s porn star on this cake. By the way, his chest hair is represented by sprinkles.

80. Of course, I wonder if birthday cakes actually look like this from The Wire.

And if it was ordered by a character from The Wire, I wonder who made the request. Was it: a. Jimmy McNulty for one of his kids. b. Bunk Moreland for his wife or one of his kids, c. Cedric Daniels for Ronnie, d. One of the Barksdales, e. Someone else from the Baltimore Police Department, or f. all of the above. All I know is, it ain't from Omar for he doesn't swear at all but watch out for his shotgun.

And if it was ordered by a character from The Wire, I wonder who made the request. Was it: a. Jimmy McNulty for one of his kids. b. Bunk Moreland for his wife or one of his kids, c. Cedric Daniels for Ronnie, d. One of the Barksdales, e. Someone else from the Baltimore Police Department, or f. all of the above. All I know is, it ain’t from Omar for he doesn’t swear at all but watch out for his shotgun.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Third Edition)

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Now I know it’s been since October that I’ve done a post on vintage postcards but I’ve run out of ideas at the moment and have a lot of these saved up on my laptop so it’s. Besides, it’s too early for Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, Presidents’ Day, or other holidays. Of course, there’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day but he’s not the kind of guy I’d want make fun of. Then there’s my birthday on the 13th, but there’s just so many birthday cakes out there. So for now, postcards will have to do for the moment. Nevertheless, I know my viewers can’t get enough of these things so here I go. Of course, I know some people travel over the holidays and sometimes during the winter months to get the hell out of the snow. However, most of us really can’t spend the winter months in the Bahamas mainly because, well, we simply can’t afford to and have other obligations such as school, work, and family. Also, January weather is really terrible, especially since temperatures have started dropping belong zero. Yikes! Anyway, if you’re stranded at your home due to the snowy weather outside or your school’s closed, here is a batch of tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure. And I hope with them, you can get through your day.

1. In the Middle Ages, German village festivals had dunking tanks like this.

Oh, wait a minute that's another medieval torture device it seems. And it doesn't seem that they're weighing the caged guy against the duck either. Would've solved everything.

Oh, wait a minute that’s another medieval torture device it seems. And it doesn’t seem that they’re weighing the caged guy against the duck either. Would’ve solved everything.

2. Every woman should be the queen of her kitchen with this turquoise refrigerator.

Now I'm fine with turquoise but this fridge seems more appropriate for the kitchen of some tacky trailer park than in most households. Yet, I'm sure this woman isn't the Snow Queen from Frozen.

Now I’m fine with turquoise but this fridge seems more appropriate for the kitchen of some tacky trailer park, dive bar, or disco than in most households. Yet, I’m sure this woman isn’t the Snow Queen from Frozen.

3. Greetings from Snooki’s grandmother from the Jersey Shore.

I don't know about you but it seems that not much has changed on the Jersey Shore over 50 years before the notorious MTV reality series. Thank God, that show's over.

I don’t know about you but it seems that not much has changed on the Jersey Shore over 50 years before the notorious MTV reality series. Thank God, that show’s over. Also, that hat is hideous.

4. In the Old West, we always cut the cheese after a dinner of pork and beans at the camp fire.

Of course, when it comes to western way of breaking wind, some guys led out a rip-roaring gust while others emit an odor that's silent but deadly.

Of course, when it comes to western way of breaking wind, some guys led out a rip-roaring gust while others emit an odor that’s silent but deadly.

5. I don’t think Sally intends to eat that mango.

Rather I think she wants to use that mango to drop on her little brother's skull since he stole her Fruit Roll Ups. Little Stevie needs to pay.

Rather I think she wants to use that mango to drop on her little brother’s skull since he stole her Fruit Roll Ups. Little Stevie needs to pay.

6. Every time German children see a rocket ship in the night sky, it’s tradition they drop their pants and pee on the window side flower pot.

I hope these boys enjoyed giving Mom's petunias a golden shower since she's probably going to wonder why they smell like a urinal in  the third grade bathroom.

I hope these boys enjoyed giving Mom’s petunias a golden shower since she’s probably going to wonder why they smell like a urinal in the third grade bathroom. Yes, Mom’s petunias will never smell the same way again, but they’ll get a steady supply of nitrates though. Maybe she doesn’t mind the tradeoff.

7. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the Equine High Diving Championships, Mustang Sugarcubes takes the plunge.

Oh, my God, I think I just made PETA want to burn my house down for posting this. Perhaps the Humane Society may want to join in. Still, what sadist could think of horses jumping off the high dive? This is just fucking insane! Also, illegal in most states. By the way, this postcard is from Atlantic City, New Jersey where Boardwalk Empire takes place. Man, seems like Nucky's booze is really getting to them.

Oh, my God, I think I just made PETA want to burn my house down for posting this. Perhaps the Humane Society may want to join in. Still, what sadist could think of horses jumping off the high dive? This is just fucking insane! Also, illegal in most states. By the way, this postcard is from Atlantic City, New Jersey where Boardwalk Empire takes place. Man, seems like Nucky’s booze is really getting to them. As cruel to animals as this may be, I just can’t help laughing at it for some reason.

8. Alf’s lunch box.

Now I know the people behind the picture thought this made a good photo op. Yet, the cuteness kind of fades away when you find out that there are people in certain countries around the world that eat them. Kind of makes this postcard disturbing.

Now I know the people behind the picture thought this made a good photo op. Yet, the cuteness kind of fades away when you find out that there are people in certain countries around the world that eat them. Kind of makes this postcard disturbing.

9. Welcome to Hawaii, we have large, uh, pineapples.

Talk about low hanging fruit hanging not far from the tree. Still, this is just bound to give Freud a field day. I mean why did this woman put the pineapples so close to her boobs? Really?

Talk about low hanging fruit hanging not far from the tree. Still, this is just bound to give Freud a field day. I mean why did this woman put the pineapples so close to her boobs? Really?

10. Seems like Springer here just barked a cake. Seems so proud. Hope there’s no fur all over the icing.

So how does a dog bark a cake? Makes no sense whatsoever. Guess those behind the design were aiming for cuteness. Also, what's in the cake? Hope it's not disgusting.

So how does a dog bark a cake? Makes no sense whatsoever. Guess those behind the design were aiming for cuteness. Also, what’s in the cake? Hope it’s not disgusting.

11. For a  lovelier you, get these stylish Oompa-Loompa inspired coiffures from Willy Wonka’s Beauty Salon.

Then again, perhaps we all should be happy that Willy Wonka became a confectioner instead of a hairdresser. Hate to see what kind of machinery he'd have at his hair salon. Probably would look like some torture chamber from a kid's show.

Then again, perhaps we all should be happy that Willy Wonka became a confectioner instead of a hairdresser. Hate to see what kind of machinery he’d have at his hair salon. Probably would look like some torture chamber from a kid’s show.

12. Yes, fellas, prune juice was one of the great “drugs” of the 1960s, which they attribute to freeing your mind as much as your bowels.

Ironically, I wouldn't be surprised that prune juice is now consumed by more 1960s flower children more than ever. Yeah, prune juice will set your colon free from constipation.

Ironically, I wouldn’t be surprised that prune juice is now consumed by more 1960s flower children more than ever. Yeah, prune juice will set your colon free from constipation.

13. I now give you the Venusflytraposaurus.

Actually that's an Elasmosaurus a large Plesiosaur from the Cretaceous period. Of course, unfortunately for this guy, orthodontists didn't exist at the time.

Actually that’s an Elasmosaurus a large Plesiosaur from the Cretaceous period. Of course, unfortunately for this guy, orthodontists didn’t exist at the time.

14. I don’t know about you but why the hell does Snowflake have her helmet on backwards?

Of course we all know that Snowflake would be kidnapped by psychopath ex-football player and tranny Ray Finkle (disguised as Lois Einhorn). He also kidnapped Dan Marino as well as killed a man in his apartment. And in the 1990s, this was a family film.

Of course we all know that Snowflake would be kidnapped by psychopath ex-football player and tranny Ray Finkle (disguised as Lois Einhorn). He also kidnapped Dan Marino as well as killed a man in his apartment. And in the 1990s, this was a family film or so I think. At least it was in my house.

15. Maybe we should send this to Kim and Kanye when they’re thinking about a trip to Florida. I mean these crocs like big butts and they cannot lie./These alligators can’t deny./When a girl walks in with a big gigantic waist/And a round thing in their face/They get starved.

Yes, that croc on the beach is in the mood for some bootylicious rump roast tonight. Also, what's with the monkey fishing from the pelican's beak for God's sake? That's insane!

Yes, that croc on the beach is in the mood for some bootylicious rump roast tonight. Also, what’s with the monkey fishing from the pelican’s beak for God’s sake? That’s insane!

16. C’mon, to Elsie’s they said. It’ll be fun, they said.

I think there's something wrong with this girl here. Sure she might want her sister to drop in again, but she probably wants to drown her in the fountain and hide her body in the large vase.

I think there’s something wrong with this girl here. Sure she might want her sister to drop in again, but she probably wants to drown her in the fountain and hide her body in the large vase.

17. Now this New England eatery has lobsters in any style.

Wait a minute, that's in Oklahoma? Seriously, lobsters are an oceanside crustacean caught in fishing boats from Maine. Oklahoma is an inland state known for cattle, dust storms, and tornadoes. They do not go together.

Wait a minute, that’s in Oklahoma? Seriously, lobsters are an oceanside crustacean caught in fishing boats from Maine. Oklahoma is an inland state known for cattle, dust storms, and tornadoes. They do not go together.

18. Yes, this guy is certainly blowing his own trumpet seen here.

Of course, "blowing" also has another meaning explaining why this postcard is so funny. Of course, it's probably impossible to do and I can't mention it in front of the kids.

Of course, “blowing” also has another meaning explaining why this postcard is so funny. Of course, it’s probably impossible to do and I can’t mention it in front of the kids.

19. Now this is place seems to give “dive bar” a whole new meaning.

Now a bar overlooking a giant fish tank is one thing, but this is kind of ridiculous. Might also make the patrons wonder whether they're seeing things or just need another drink. I'd hate to be the designated driver in that bunch.

Now a bar overlooking a giant fish tank is one thing, but this is kind of ridiculous. Might also make the patrons wonder whether they’re seeing things or just need another drink. I’d hate to be the designated driver in that bunch.

20. Now this would make a fine new addition to the hunting lodge or man cave.

Too bad the holidays are over for this lamp would've made a great Christmas present for my next door neighbors. Then again, that lamp might freak out their granddaughter.

Too bad the holidays are over for this lamp would’ve made a great Christmas present for my next door neighbors. Then again, that lamp might freak out their granddaughter.

21. Nothing makes an electronic back massager than some device that bears a striking resemblance to IKEA furniture.

From the back: “Figurette—the home slenderizing unit that has become noted as a “lasting beauty” aid for women…but is every bit as much renowned for the tension-relieving relaxation it helps induce in he-men. Another leading product of A.R.A. Manufacturing Co., Grand Prairie, Texas.” "It is very important that the he-man not become too relaxed. Therefore, he should use the Figurette with work clothes on, including shoes and tie."

From the back: “Figurette—the home slenderizing unit that has become noted as a “lasting beauty” aid for women…but is every bit as much renowned for the tension-relieving relaxation it helps induce in he-men. Another leading product of A.R.A. Manufacturing Co., Grand Prairie, Texas.”
“It is very important that the he-man not become too relaxed. Therefore, he should use the Figurette with work clothes on, including shoes and tie.”  I wonder what would happen if he got too relaxed. Oh, I see.

22. Nothing excites a two-year-old more than a giant stuff dog about as tall as your ceiling.

Of course, seems that the company responsible for this photo didn't seem to care about the boxes next to the humongous dog that might give parents nightmares. Please don't show this to small children or they'd want one, too.

Of course, seems that the company responsible for this photo didn’t seem to care about the boxes next to the humongous dog that might give parents nightmares. Please don’t show this to small children or they’d want one, too.

23. Of course, when it comes to toilet training, some dogs grow accustomed to it better than others.

I bet that any dog owner would rather teach their dog to go on the toilet than have it drink from there. I wonder if this potty animal knows how to flush.

I bet that any dog owner would rather teach their dog to go on the toilet than have it drink from there. I wonder if this potty animal knows how to flush.

24. This lady seems so happy with her large wall shelf of tupperware.

I don't know about you but wait until she finds out that you can't put tupperware in the dishwasher. Boy, I'd hate to dishes at that place.

I don’t know about you but wait until she finds out that you can’t put tupperware in the dishwasher. Boy, I’d hate to wash dishes at that place.

25, Now I know this is supposed to be a stove. Yet, I don’t know why I still wonder why it could possibly be a stove-dishwasher unit.

Must be that the oven doors have no windows in them and that there are two of them. Still, that color may be nice but the stove is hideous.

Must be that the oven doors have no windows in them and that there are two of them. Still, that color may be nice but the stove is hideous.

26. Oh, no, they just buried a dead guy in the topsoil planters! What kind of sick place is this?

Okay, that's just a guy getting mud bath at a spa. Still, you'd wonder if this was just some crazed garden store of death seeing him like that.

Okay, that’s just a guy getting mud bath at a spa. Still, you’d wonder if this was just some crazed garden store of death seeing him like that.

27. Nothing graces a little girl’s bedroom than a pink, frilly lamp.

Ugh! This lamp is so frilly and pink that it makes me sick. And I don't mind the color either. Still, I don't think a little girl would find it settling that the figurine doesn't have any arms.

Ugh! This lamp is so frilly and pink that it makes me sick. And I don’t mind the color either. Still, I don’t think a little girl would find it settling that the figurine doesn’t have any arms.

28. Now a dramatic reenactment of Cain killing his brother Abel.

My God, this is just a horrible execution that it seems like something you'd see on the Flintstones. Also, makes you wonder whether Cain killed Abel because God thought Abel's sacrifice was greater or that Abel was making fun of Cain's leopard skin loincloth.

My God, this is just a horrible execution that it seems like something you’d see on the Flintstones. Also, makes you wonder whether Cain killed Abel because God thought Abel’s sacrifice was greater or that Abel was making fun of Cain’s leopard skin loincloth.

29. This cow says, “Howdy, from Oklahoma! Where the wind blows sweeping from the plains…”

This cow doesn't look like it's saying, "Howdy!" Rather I think it's trying to say, "They're going to kill us all and put us on buns at the local burger joint! Get out while you still can!"

This cow doesn’t look like it’s saying, “Howdy!” Rather I think it’s trying to say, “They’re going to kill us all and put us on buns at the local burger joint! Get out while you still can!”

30. If this engine weighs lighter than the swimsuit model, then you should have no problem carrying it.

Then again, this model seems a bit chunky compared to the ones you'd see in a Victoria's Secret commercial.  Still, close enough. Nevertheless, it's also available in lime green.

Then again, this model seems a bit chunky compared to the ones you’d see in a Victoria’s Secret commercial. Still, close enough. Nevertheless, it’s also available in lime green.

31. May I present to you the Rainbow Choir of the East Glenville Methodist Church.

Of course, given that the Gay Rights Movement adapted the rainbow flag as its symbol, I don't think a church choir would call themselves, even if it's the United Methodist Church.

Of course, given that the Gay Rights Movement adapted the rainbow flag as its symbol, I don’t think a church choir would call themselves, even if it’s the United Methodist Church.

32. And now two labrador retrievers on a ski lift. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Now that just can't be safe for animals. Seriously, I wonder if either of these dogs would have the patience of staying on these seats. Besides, what if one of them jumps?

Now that just can’t be safe for animals. Seriously, I wonder if either of these dogs would have the patience of staying on these seats. Besides, what if one of them jumps?

33. “Well, I’ll be happy to assist you with your mud bath Mr. Skelly.”

Now I'm sure this person is making the man look all natural as if he was part the dirt from which he came from. Still, this is pretty disturbing if you ask me.

Now I’m sure this person is making the man look all natural as if he was part the dirt from which he came from. Still, this is pretty disturbing if you ask me. I mean these people look as if they’re buried alive for God’s sake.

34. Come to the Girl Crossing where the action is.

Of course, the women at the Florida beach you actually see probably aren't as attractive as these ladies. Seriously, fellas, believing this postcard will set yourself up for disappointment.

Of course, the women at the Florida beach you actually see probably aren’t as attractive as these ladies. Seriously, fellas, believing this postcard will set yourself up for disappointment.

35. And yet we have another version of RuPaul’s Drag Race does Lawrence Welk.

Of course, I'm sure these people are smartly dressed for some formal fancy dress ball. Yet, I don't think they're very convincing. Still, don't want to see these in your mail.

Of course, I’m sure these people are smartly dressed for some formal fancy dress ball. Yet, I don’t think they’re very convincing. Still, don’t want to see these in your mail.

36. “She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny rainbow macrame bikini…”

Of course, I'm not sure what to make out with her holding a small sombrero that doesn't fit her head. Still, no girl wants get a postcard from their boyfriend that says, "Wish you were her."

Of course, I’m not sure what to make out with her holding a small sombrero that doesn’t fit her head. Still, no girl wants get a postcard from their boyfriend that says, “Wish you were her.”

37. Man, this cat isn’t happy that his flight’s been cancelled. Somebody is going to get clawed.

Of course, the hat and picnic table cloth don't help matters either. Still, this is probably the original Grumpy Cat. And boy, is he grumpy about his flight being cancelled.

Of course, the hat and picnic table cloth don’t help matters either. Still, this is probably the original Grumpy Cat. And boy, is he grumpy about his flight being cancelled. Now he’ll have to change travel plans which he hates oh, so much. Yes, polydactyl cat is not pleased.

38. Let’s stop at Pennsylvania’s Crystal Cave Ice Cream Formation.

I don't know about you but that formation doesn't at all resemble an ice cream cone to me. Yet, I think Ice Cream Cone Formation was more of a PG name than, well, something else that's point and stick up.

I don’t know about you but that formation doesn’t at all resemble an ice cream cone to me. Yet, I think Ice Cream Cone Formation was more of a PG name than, well, something else that’s point and stick up. Even funnier is that they have replicas of this at the gift shop and that’s where the real fun begins.

39. Yay! High school cheerleaders gathering around to a car celebrating the anniversary of a time when a peace treaty was signed, or when Indians decided to surrender peacefully and let settlers take over their land.

Of course, what's worse is that this high school is called Medicine Lodge and it's located in Kansas. Must have a Native American mascot, too, and a real stereotypical one at that. Great (sarcasm). Still, love those comet pom poms.

Of course, what’s worse is that this high school is called Medicine Lodge and it’s located in Kansas. Must have a Native American mascot, too, and a real stereotypical one at that. Great (sarcasm). Still, love those comet pom poms.

40. Now here is a wax figure of Mark Twain on a rocking chair with his best known character Huckleberry Finn.

All Mark Twain ever wanted for his birthday was either a chair rocking or a rocking chair lap dance with Huckleberry Finn. Still, the two seem a bit too friendly with each other.

All Mark Twain ever wanted for his birthday was either a chair rocking or a rocking chair lap dance with Huckleberry Finn. Still, the two seem a bit too friendly with each other.

41. Need some added neck and chin support? Try one of these.

Sure that contraption may stabilize your neck but putting that chin rest on your shoulders just looks very uncomfortable from what I see with the other one.

Sure that contraption may stabilize your neck but putting that chin rest on your shoulders just looks very uncomfortable from what I see with the other one.

42. Now here is one of the most important scientists of all time, Louis Pasteur who formulated pasteurization, vaccination, and founded microbiology.

Yes, Louis Pasteur did help change the world for the better as well as saved so many lives with his research. But that doesn't stop him from testing his anthrax vaccine on his daughter's pet bunny rabbit.

Yes, Louis Pasteur did help change the world for the better as well as saved so many lives with his research. But that doesn’t stop him from testing his anthrax vaccine on his daughter’s pet bunny rabbit.

43. Awww. A black bear cub eating ice cream. Adorable.

I know bear cubs are cute but feeding the animals is a very bad idea. Seriously, feeding them will lead to animal infestation at camp sites as well as make them easy targets for hunters. So please remember that signs warning against feeding the animals exist for a reason.

I know bear cubs are cute but feeding the animals is a very bad idea. Seriously, feeding them will lead to animal infestation at camp sites as well as make them easy targets for hunters. So please remember that signs warning against feeding the animals exist for a reason.

44. Reginald was stripped of his horse, when it was discovered that he put lipstick on it during those lonely nights.

"Guys? Have you seen my horse? Guys, this isn't funny. Seriously, somebody's stolen my horse, Dobbin. How am I supposed to participate in this routine if I don't have my fucking horse? My apologies for my profanities."

“Guys? Have you seen my horse? Guys, this isn’t funny. Seriously, somebody’s stolen my horse, Dobbin. How am I supposed to participate in this routine if I don’t have my fucking horse? My apologies for the profane language.”

45. “I always love to tend to my garden in my bathing suit.”

"It keeps me cool and in tip top shape. Also, I hate to change into something different when I need to hide a body right away."

“It keeps me cool and in tip top shape. Also, I hate to change into something different when I need to hide a body right away. You simply don’t have time for that after you strangle a guy in the hot tub these days.”

46. This bathing beauty receives a grizzly hug at Hugh Hefner’s hunting lodge.

Okay, PETA is going to kill me for this. We all know the grizzly bear is a hunting trophy and the swimsuit woman is only there for the fanservice. Still, pretty funny if you ask me.

Okay, PETA is going to kill me for this. We all know the grizzly bear is a hunting trophy and the swimsuit woman is only there for the fanservice. Still, pretty funny if you ask me.

47. Come to Indiana and enjoy the wonderful, picturesque scenery.

Man, all I see are basically roadways on a flat landscape. Even a transportation worker is bound to fall asleep on these toll roads. At least Western Pennsylvania has hills, forests, and potholes for God's sake. Yet, you wouldn't want to drive on those roads either.

Man, all I see are basically roadways on a flat landscape. Even a transportation worker is bound to fall asleep on these toll roads. At least Western Pennsylvania has hills, forests, and potholes for God’s sake. Yet, you wouldn’t want to drive on those roads either.

48. Have trouble keeping your chin up? We have a pulley appliance for that.

Wonder if I should get those for my mom so she wouldn't fall asleep watching movies with us. Probably would fall asleep anyway. Still, I don't think this guy is very comfortable with the chin straps on him.

Wonder if I should get those for my mom so she wouldn’t fall asleep watching movies with us. Probably would fall asleep anyway. Still, I don’t think this guy is very comfortable with the chin straps on him.

49. This woman is utterly thrilled with her stylish brand new Cul-Matic water softener by Culligan.

Because before she had a water softener in her house, Connie had get her plumbing clean on a regular basis due to the metal cation buildup that makes hard water less compatible with soap. Hey, it was Joey's idea to live near an industrial facility where he worked, not hers.

Because before she had a water softener in her house, Connie had get her plumbing clean on a regular basis due to the metal cation buildup that makes hard water less compatible with soap and resulted in her pipes erroding. Hey, it was Joey’s idea to live near an industrial facility where he worked, not hers.

50. Watch a man wrestle with an alligator in Florida, they said. It will be fun, they said.

Man, for an activity that should have big, "Do Not Try This at Home" disclaimer, seems that some people find alligator wrestling quite boring, indeed. People like me just find it nuts. Then again, while the boys are bored to tears, seems like Mom is just thinks the handler has a nice tight ass.

Man, for an activity that should have big, “Do Not Try This at Home” disclaimer, seems that some people find alligator wrestling quite boring, indeed. People like me just find it nuts. Then again, while the boys are bored to tears, seems like Mom just thinks the handler has a nice tight ass.

51. Sure this may be a Seminole Indian ritual or it could just be a production from Florida State University. Either way, it seems the guy on the top step is about to demonstrate his skill in the sacred art of gymnastics.

This drama is called "Florida Aflame" which is about the Seminole Indians. Still, I wonder what a real Seminole Indian would think of this production. Seriously, this seems to be something I'd more likely see in a Lady Gaga music video than on an Indian reservation. I mean why?

This drama is called “Florida Aflame” which is about the Seminole Indians. Still, I wonder what a real Seminole Indian would think of this production because I think he or she might take offense. Seriously, this seems to be something I’d more likely see in a Lady Gaga music video than on an Indian reservation. I mean why?

52. Nothing seems to be a weird sight than a Dominatrix at the beach. BDSM on the beach? How kinky.

"All right. Now where did I put my chair and my cat o' nine tails? I know I put them here yesterday. Must've been swept with the tide tide. Dammit."

“All right. Now where did I put my chair and my cat o’ nine tails? I know I put them here yesterday. Must’ve been swept with the tide tide. Dammit.”

53. Fasten your seatbelts, kid, because you’re taking a rocketship to Sunday School.

I know that mega churches do a lot of activities. But I'm stumped is to how many of them could include a rocket ship in their budgets. Seriously, why?

I know that mega churches do a lot of activities. But I’m stumped is to how many of them could include a rocket ship in their budgets. Seriously, why?

54. See Bobo the Clown and his little pal Rover.

I don't know about you but upon seeing this picture, I kind of feel like calling the Humane Society regarding Rover's welfare and whether Bobo is a good owner outside his creepy clown costume. Because the poor dog looks so terrified.

I don’t know about you but upon seeing this picture, I kind of feel like calling the Humane Society regarding Rover’s welfare and whether Bobo is a good owner outside his creepy clown costume. Because the poor dog looks so terrified.

55. We’ll be looking for your for your next check up. And we will find you!

Poor Ralphie. Seemed to be a nice and happy kid before Dr. Garity gave him that terrible lobotomy. Now he just looks as if he's just a mindless and possessed demon child with no soul.

Poor Ralphie. Seemed to be a nice and happy kid before Dr. Garity gave him that terrible lobotomy. Now he just looks as if he’s just a mindless and possessed demon child with no soul.

56. A hunting trip of bagging two pheasants with your hunting dogs makes for a perfect day.

Putting a dog near a gun: yeah, seems like an accident waiting to happen. And I've seen Bowling for Columbine to know that canine photo ops with guns aren't a good idea.

Putting a dog near a gun: yeah, seems like an accident waiting to happen. And I’ve seen Bowling for Columbine to know that canine photo ops with guns aren’t a good idea.

57. These woman are so proud to have their own singing Big Brown Billy Bass decor.

Sorry, but whenever I see a big fish mounted like that on a plaque, that's all I think about. I could just hear that fish sing, "Take me to the river, Put me in the water...."

Sorry, but whenever I see a big fish mounted like that on a plaque, that’s all I think about. I could just hear that fish sing, “Take me to the river, Put me in the water….”

58. So remember car owners, always remember to check the oil in your gas guzzling automobile, regularly.

Of course, from what I can read from their facial expressions, I don't think auto maintenance is the first thing on their minds right now. Also, "change the oil" has another meaning that doesn't come across people's mind if you know what I mean.

Of course, from what I can read from their facial expressions, I don’t think auto maintenance is the first thing on their minds right now. Also, “change the oil” has another meaning that doesn’t come across people’s mind if you know what I mean.

59. This woman sure has a whale of a tale when she comes back from vacation.

This is probably a false killer whale which is also used in aquariums and kept in captivity. However, unlike the Orca, there are no campaigns concerning the captivity of these creatures since they're not studied as much and have a population that's much more endangered. This may especially true in Hawaii where they're most frequently seen.

This is probably a false killer whale which is also used in aquariums and kept in captivity. However, unlike the Orca, there are no campaigns concerning the captivity of these creatures since they’re not studied as much and have a population that’s much more endangered. This may especially true in Hawaii where they’re most frequently seen. Still, hope that woman doesn’t come from a sorority and is sober.

60. Of course, sometimes we can’t prevent receiving a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Yes, Gladys, I've electrocuted Harold in the bath tub by throwing my hair dryer. So how do we dispose of his body without the neighbors suspecting?"

“Yes, Gladys, I’ve electrocuted Harold in the bath tub by throwing my hair dryer. So how do we dispose of his body without the neighbors suspecting?”

61. Of course, we all know that Floria alligators would rather bite than switch. Gator said so himself.

Switch to what? Is this a postcard depicting animal predation or kinky bestiality? Seriously, who thought this kind of postcard was a good idea?

Switch to what? Is this a postcard depicting animal predation or kinky bestiality? Seriously, who thought this kind of postcard was a good idea?

62. Come to the Madonna Inn and stay at one of our three “Merry Go Round” rooms.

Basically the idea of this room's design came from the person who really liked the color green and so painted all the walls that way. The decorative ideas came from his 6 year old daughter. God, that's tacky.

Basically the idea of this room’s design came from the person who really liked the color green and so painted all the walls that way. The decorative ideas came from his 6 year old daughter. God, that’s tacky.

63. See these lovely can-can girls at Steve’s Gay ’90s Restaurant in Tacoma, Washington.

Of course, they mean the 1890s here, but including the word, "gay" is pretty funny. The back says: "While you dine, you’ll enjoy entertainment amid the stage settings of old vaudeville. The ad curtain, drapes and chandeliers are from opera houses of the Old West. Fireplaces, furniture and decorations once graced Tacoma’s showplace homes of the 80’s." Well, 1880s. Still, what the hell are can-can dancers doing here? They're supposed to be French!

Of course, they mean the 1890s here, but including the word, “gay” is pretty funny. The back says: “While you dine, you’ll enjoy entertainment amid the stage settings of old vaudeville. The ad curtain, drapes and chandeliers are from opera houses of the Old West. Fireplaces, furniture and decorations once graced Tacoma’s showplace homes of the 80’s.” Well, 1880s. Still, what the hell are can-can dancers doing here? They’re supposed to be French!

64. Synchronized water skiing: when a bunch of swimsuit clad girls hold one hand on the rope from the boat while putting the other on the shoulder of the girl next to them.

This is a poster of the Aquamaids (perhaps Aquaman's lady entourage) from Florida's Cypress Gardens. And yes, they're on this postcard for the fanservice. Still, the gardens are pretty enough so putting these women water skiing kind of unnecessary.

This is a poster of the Aquamaids (perhaps Aquaman’s lady entourage) from Florida’s Cypress Gardens. And yes, they’re on this postcard for the fanservice. Still, the gardens are pretty enough so putting these women water skiing kind of unnecessary.

65. Now these guys are known as the White Fathers of Africa, a well known Roman Catholic missionary order.

Okay, now I know that there are a lot of Roman Catholic priest and monastic orders that wear white robes and that the White Fathers order started in France. However, if it weren't for the rosaries around their necks, the cassocks, and showing their faces, I would've taken them as some kind of white supremacist organization. Also, these monks look kind of creepy.

Okay, now I know that there are a lot of Roman Catholic priest and monastic orders that wear white robes and that the White Fathers order started in France. However, if it weren’t for the rosaries around their necks, the cassocks, and showing their faces, I would’ve taken them as some kind of white supremacist organization. Also, these monks look kind of creepy.

66. I now give you a black velvet painting of Jesus coming through the clouds.

Okay, this is part of a display in a religious tourist trap called Bibleland. So it's not a velvet painting. Still, did this artist get the idea of how this work seems more appropriate at some sleazy nightclub? Seriously, why did that person think a black background was a good idea?

Okay, this is part of a display in a religious tourist trap called Bibleland. So it’s not a velvet painting. Still, did this artist get the idea of how this work seems more appropriate at some sleazy nightclub? Seriously, why did that person think a black background was a good idea?

67. From the back: “The Barrel cactus (center) sometimes grows 6 feet tall over a 20-30 year period and contains a slimy juice often reputed to have saved lives in an emergency but hardly fit to drink otherwise.” Yes, what a picturesque view of the Mojave desert this is.

Is it just me or is there something phallic about that barrel cactus? Seems like the Lord works in mysterious ways. And sometimes He creates floral scenery ideal for postcards too inappropriate to mail to your grandparents.

Is it just me or is there something phallic about that barrel cactus? Seems like the Lord works in mysterious ways. And sometimes He creates floral scenery ideal for postcards too inappropriate to mail to your grandparents. Nice to see God has a sense of humor, maybe of a 13 year old boy.

68. If it’s no inconvenience, Sparky would now like to take your picture.

Of course, Sparky has no trouble with focus and concentration. That is, unless he spots a squirrel or piece of meat. Then it's just downhill from there.

Of course, Sparky has no trouble with focus and concentration. That is, unless he spots a squirrel or piece of meat. Then it’s just downhill from there.

69. Uh, I got a geriatric patient sexually harassing a nurse in the trauma ward. Don’t ask me why he’s able to run.

As if the old guy chasing the nurse was bad for a postcard. What totally baffles me about this is how this guy has casts on all his limbs yet he's still perfectly able to chase that big boobed nurse in the first place.

As if the old guy chasing the nurse was bad for a postcard. What totally baffles me about this is how this guy has casts on all his limbs yet he’s still perfectly able to chase that big boobed nurse in the first place.

70. Lake Placid: The vacation spot in New York where you can get into a summer snowball fight.

Of course the sign says: "It's no mirage-It's real snow." Sure it's real snow, like the snow they have at Seven Springs during the winter when there isn't any elsewhere. Seriously, there must be a snow making machine somewhere.

Of course the sign says: “It’s no mirage-It’s real snow.” Sure it’s real snow, like the snow they have at Seven Springs during the winter when there isn’t any elsewhere. Seriously, there must be a snow making machine somewhere.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 8-Maintenance

Great House: At Downton Abbey, the maintenance staff isn't seen much because their jobs are so shitty. Yet, how do expect this estate be kept up in such condition as this? And how do expect the clothes being washed? Not to mention, the matter with visitors.

Great House: At Downton Abbey, the maintenance staff isn’t seen much because their jobs are so shitty. Yet, how do expect this estate be kept up in such condition as this? And how do expect the clothes being washed? Not to mention, the matter with visitors.

My last post on servants at Downton Abbey falls under the notion of maintenance and upkeep. Now I know I’ve covered a bit of it when I did the one on maids. However, maintenance involves more than just cleaning and making things look nice. Sure Downton may have maids, butlers, footmen, and other attendants but you never really see them perform tasks like repair work, restoration, heavy lifting, collecting garbage, replacing light bulbs, laundry, checking pipes, upholstery, electrical work, security monitoring and other tasks needed to keep up such a stately home. I mean, how did that telephone managed to be installed in Carson’s office? Must have a handyman around somewhere. Sure I understand that this is a show, but we never see any of those servants doing that kind of work at all. So it’s very likely that Downton employs certain people who do the actual handiwork we don’t see. Then again, some of the maintenance servants aren’t people who live on the premises and may come to the estate on a daily or weekly basis. Others may live at Downton but we never see them since they may have their own cottage, perform tasks at a different time, or have a job of such low status that they can’t even be seen at the servant halls. Then again, they may perform jobs that might cause some discomfort in the viewer watching the show and ruin the idyllic life this series tries to portray. Yet, many of the people who had these thankless and miserable maintenance jobs  help make the Crawleys’ lives possible and the other servants’ lives much easier. So perhaps when season 6 is in production, maybe Julian Fellowes should add a few laundry maids and a handyman at Downton. Maybe the handyman can  be a love interest for Daisy, Thomas, or Mrs. Patmore. How about include a chimney sweep? Well, it worked for Mary Poppins and Charles Dickens. Hey, it’s worth a shot. Besides, they can’t just have maintenance work on Downton Abbey be limited to Moseley doing road work or carrying boxes. Nevertheless, without further adieu, here’s a list of some servants who probably do the least recognized and most thankless work at Downton Abbey, those from the maintenance department.

1. Doorman or Porter
Function: Responsibilities similar to that of a hall boy but mostly for building security such as taking calling cards, screening guests, and granting admission.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure he received a fair wage and compensation such as an annual salary of 30 pounds ($3,200) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and may be addressed by first name. Reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm or when the family was expecting guests such as special events.
Typical Candidate: Usually an older man who’s most likely a well regarded former footman or under butler who hasn’t been promoted to butler and valet as well as may be on his way out.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since Carson performs most of this position’s duties anyway.

2. Handyman
Function: Responsible for repairs, maintenance, and other odd jobs that might include light plumbing, painting, and electrical work.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they were handsomely compensated for their duties as well as received room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man skilled in a variety of trades, particularly carpentry. Yet, this was considered a semi-skilled job.
Characters who had this job: Though no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, someone probably does considering the estate couldn’t survive without one. Yet, the ground staff aren’t the main focus of the show.

3. Useful Man

Useful Man: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position designated to a former valet who'd do pretty much anything to pay the bills after his master got crushed by his sports car whether it's lifting, road work, or being a footman on a temporary then permanent basis. Chronic unemployment is a bitch.

Useful Man: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position designated to a former valet who’d do pretty much anything to pay the bills after his master got crushed by his sports car whether it’s lifting, road work, or being a footman on a temporary then permanent basis. Chronic unemployment is a bitch.

Function: A general male domestic worker who performs a series of small jobs as needed to his employers. May range from cooking, cleaning, maintenance, and repair as well as bookkeeping or inventory.
Pay and Benefits: Depends on his responsibilities as well as wealth and size of the household.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff ranking below a footman but above a hall boy. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler. However, he never entered the dining room or waited on the master of the house.
Hours: Depends on the household or employer.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man at least in his teens or older.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but Joseph Moseley is probably the closest thing to one on the show, especially in Season 4.

4. Charwoman

Charwoman: Probably the job Ethel had before turning to prostitution to support herself and her son. Might've been one while working as a prostitute, too. Guess it didn't pay as well as she hoped.

Charwoman: Probably the job Ethel had before turning to prostitution to support herself and her son. Might’ve been one while working as a prostitute, too. Guess it didn’t pay as well as she hoped, unsurprisingly.

Function: Female cleaner responsible for household maintenance and odd chores. Usually worked for people who couldn’t afford a maid of all work.
Pay and Benefits: They came fairly cheap than most household servants.
Status: Considered casual staff in that they didn’t live on the estate.
Hours: Usually depends on when they could find work.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman of any age or disposition as long as she was poor.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey, but I’m sure it did exist in Great Britain at the time. Then again, Ethel might’ve tried to be one before becoming a prostitute. Maybe she was working as one during her tenure as well.

5. Odd Job Man
Function: Responsible for the heavy lifting of the house, replacing oil lamps, carrying logs for the maids to make fires in the fireplaces, as well as carrying hot water for the baths.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist at Downton Abbey though an estate of that size would at least have one.

6. Dust Man
Function: Responsible for collecting trash or garbage from the estate.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they came pretty cheap.
Status: This was a Casual Staff position.
Hours: Hired at the estate on a weekly basis, particularly on garbage day.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man from the lower classes. Could be of any age or even have a family.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone else does since the estate must generate a lot of garbage.

7. Chimney Sweep
Function: Responsible for clearing ash and soot from the chimney and fireplace.
Pay and Benefits: Depends on age and level of skill as well as the times.
Status: This was a Casual Staff position.
Hours: Worked as needed.
Typical Candidate: Depends on the times. By the Edwardian period it was usually a grown man who’s trained to clean chimneys. Until the 1860s, sweeps could be boys as young as 4 years old with the master sweep acting mainly as supervisor.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone does since the estate has a lot of fireplaces. If not, then I wonder why the Crawleys have virtually no chimney fires.

8. Gate Keeper
Function: Responsible for guarding the main entrance to the estate.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary could be as low as 10 pounds ($1,100) but he often had a cottage attached to the gate.
Status: Classified as an unskilled laborer and ranked relatively low on the servant hierarchy.
Hours: This was a 24/7 job since he had to guard the gate.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man from the lower classes, possibly a male servant approaching retirement.
Characters who had this job: Though no named character has this job at Downton Abbey, there’s probably someone on the estate who does.

9. Lamp Boy
Function: Responsible for lighting, cleaning, and maintaining the lamps inside and outside the great house and the estate.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and one of the lowest servant ranks as well as addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked mostly at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young boy and teenager between the ages of 10-16, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since may have been rendered obsolete with the arrival of the electric incandescent lamp.

10. Upper Laundry Maid
Function: Chief laundry maid in charge of a team that washed, ironed, steamed, starched, dried, treated, and pressed clothes, towels, and linens for the family and the staff.
Pay and Benefits: At least an annual salary of 13 pounds ($1,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 3:00am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried woman at least in her late teens who demonstrated the practicalities in clothes treatment.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist at Downton Abbey but since it churns out a lot of laundry, there had to be at least one upper laundry maid.

11. Laundry Maid
Function: Responsible for washing, drying, ironing, starching, and treating clothes, bedding, linens, and towels for the entire household, including the staff.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 13 pounds ($1,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and among the lowest ranked female servants. Addressed by first name. Kept entirely out of sight. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 3:00am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried woman at least in her teens yet skilled in the art of laundry.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist on Downton Abbey but any estate of that size would’ve employed at least 2-3 of them. Yet, this was a very low status job so they were usually kept out of sight.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 7-The Stables and Travel

Horse: At Downton Abbey, this animal has been relegated to recreational and ceremonial purposes since the introduction of the automobile. So now let's just get back to Lady Mary and Kemal Pamuk on their hunting ride, shall we?

Horse: At Downton Abbey, this animal has been relegated to recreational and ceremonial purposes since the introduction of the automobile. So now let’s just get back to Lady Mary and Kemal Pamuk on their hunting ride, shall we? Of course, we all know what happens to Kemal Pamuk in this episode. So the Turk shall enjoy this day while he can.

Now while I could easily put the stables jobs with the grounds and the hunt, I decided to put it with travel since horses used to be the primary modes of transportation besides walking. Not to mention, this was the main reason stables were built. Of course, the stable staff doesn’t play much of a role on Downton Abbey since the show takes place in the early 20th century, which was a time that horse transportation was slowly being replaced by the new automobile, especially large estates where the aristocracy was among the first car customers (before Henry Ford came up with the idea of the assembly line, look it up). So cars were also used as status symbols, which is also very much the case today. Yet, this doesn’t mean that horses are out of the picture yet, since they were still needed for activities like hunting, ceremonies, special occasions like weddings and funerals, emphasizing large wealth, and of course, horse racing. You may not see the stables or the stable staff much at Downton Abbey but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist on the estate. Nevertheless, the Crawleys do spend a significant time traveling whether it be on their other estates, throughout England, London, Scotland, or abroad. And while certain servants go with the Crawleys while they’re away (giving other servants time off when they’re all gone), there are also other servants associated with traveling as well as in the stables. Sometimes aristocratic families could stay at one place anywhere from a few days to up to a few months. Of course, some of them may be obsolete but they’re listed anyway. So for your reading pleasure, here are the servants associated with the stables and travel.

The Stables

Stables: At Downton Abbey, it's a place you never see since it doesn't much play a big role in the Crawleys' lives anyway. This picture is probably as close as viewers will ever get so use your imagination, please.

Stables: At Downton Abbey, it’s a place you never see since it doesn’t much play a big role in the Crawleys’ lives anyway. This picture is probably as close as viewers will ever get so use your imagination, please.

1. Master of the Horse or Clerk of Stables
Function: Oversees all equine and groom activities including feed and overall care of the horses. Responsible for checking conditions of roads and inns, manages details of carriages, boss to coachman, grooms, postilion, and anyone else connected to the stables or coaches.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure he had decent pay and possibly his own quarters like a small cottage.
Status: At least a Senior Servant, but since he works outside the house, he probably has none of their privileges.
Hours: At least regular working hours but could be longer, especially during times of travel and special events.
Typical Candidate: Must be male and know how to work with horses. Possibly someone who came from a tenant family or grew up on a farm.
Characters who had this job: Well, as far as we know Downton Abbey doesn’t have this job, since Master of the Horse is more of an 18th century position anyway and it’s become a mostly ceremonial role in the monarchy.

2. Head Groom or Stable Master
Function: Responsible for running the stables as well as for the horses and grooms. Duties include arranging riding lessons or training as well as insure a groom is “on call” in case a member of the family wants to ride. Not to mention, he had to arrange the horses’ feeding and veterinary needs. Also responsible for the special needs of aged or retired horses as well as for maintenance of the stables and ordering supplies.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30-50 pounds ($3,100-$5,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff but didn’t have the same privileges as similar members in the house would. Addressed by last name and could either report to the Estate Manager or Butler.
Hours: Usually from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a seasoned man who’s spent considerable time working with horses or as a groom rising through the ranks.
Characters who had this job: Currently none, but Downton Abbey has stables so someone on the estate must have this job. However, this isn’t a show about horse stable staff since they don’t have much to do with the family anyway.

3. Stud Master
Function: Manager for the master’s breeding stock. Arranges, records, and approves desired animal matings whether it be hounds, horses, or house pets as well as consults the registries afterwards. May oversee the maintenance of the estates stables and kennels as well. If one isn’t present, duties go to the Stable Master or Master of the Hounds.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure he was well compensated as well as received room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to Stable Master.
Hours: Depended on the animals he was working with.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who knew about animals which could be either a groom or someone who grew up on a farm.
Characters who had this job: Though no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible that someone does at the estate. However, the stable staff aren’t the show’s main focus though.

4. Horse Trainer
Function: Responsible for training horses for riding which includes feeding, exercising, and talking to them to get used to human contact.
Pay and Benefits: Usually received a modest sum of money as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Stable Master.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s experienced with horses, particularly a groom.
Characters who had this job: None of the show’s characters have this job but this someone at Downton Abbey may have this one. The stable staff isn’t the focus of the show.

5. Groom

Groom: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to a guy who probably doesn't have much screen time. But he's there because his main job is taking care of the horses and that he had to bring one out to match Lady Mary's riding habit.

Groom: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to a guy who probably doesn’t have much screen time. But he’s there because his main job is taking care of the horses and that he had to bring one out to match Lady Mary’s riding habit.

Function: Responsible for taking care of the horses which includes feeding and watering them, brushing them down, exercising them, saddling them, and giving them medicine when they take ill. Cleans carriages, harnesses, as well as the stables for the master’s morning inspection.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and occupied a similar position at the stables as a maid or footman would in the house. Addressed by first name and reported to the Stable Master.
Hours: Usually from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried man at least in his teens who at least possesses significant knowledge of horses.
Characters who had this job: Well, no characters on the show have this profession per se but since Downton Abbey has stables, the estate is bound to employ a team of them. But the life of the stable staff isn’t the main focus on the show.

6. Stable Boy
Function: Responsible for assisting the grooms with cleaning the stables and other duties relating to equine care. Is basically a groom in training.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 6-12 pounds ($640-$1,500) depending on age and ability as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Stable Master.
Hours: Usually from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young boy in his early teens from the lower classes. May be as young as 10 years old.
Characters who had this job: Though no characters on the show have this job, it probably does exist on Downton Abbey since it has stables. However, the stables aren’t the main focus of the show.

Travel

Sports Car: At Downton Abbey, this is the wedding present the bridegroom gives to himself after finding himself heir to a title and estate as well as marrying the resident Earl's daughter. Of course, we all know from Season 3 that this doesn't end well.

Sports Car: At Downton Abbey, this is the wedding present the bridegroom gives to himself after finding himself heir to a title and estate as well as marrying the resident Earl’s daughter. Of course, we all know from Season 3 that this doesn’t end well. Just wait when this new dad’s joy ride home from the hospital turns into a one way trip to the morgue. Yes, that luxury car will crush you if overturned in the event of a collision.

1. Coachman

Coachman: At Downton Abbey, this guy doesn't get as much as he used to before the automobile but he's still employed for special occasions like weddings and funerals. You don't think they'd let Lady Mary and Matthew have to leave a church in a car, don't you?

Coachman: At Downton Abbey, this guy doesn’t get as much as he used to before the automobile but he’s still employed for special occasions like weddings and funerals. You don’t think they’d let Lady Mary and Matthew have to leave a church in a car, don’t you?

Function: Responsible for driving the coach. If there was no Clerk of the Stables or Stable Master present, he’d usually manage the stables, the grooms, and make sure the coach was in good working order. May assist the grooms with cleaning the carriages. Other responsibilities may vary depending on number of footmen or whether there was a second one on staff.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 40 pounds ($4,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to the Stable Master.
Hours: Usually called upon as needed and during travels but this depends on his responsibilities to the household.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s spent considerable time with horses as a groom.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since it’s clear that nobody in the Grantham house travels by coach anymore. Yet, an estate of that size would’ve had at least 2.

2. Second Coachman
Function: Assisted the coachman with driving the coach with his chief duty on nightwork.
Pay and Benefits: Less than the coachman but he didn’t do too badly either as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported directly to Coachman or Master of the Stables.
Hours: Usually the night hours while traveling but could vary depending on responsibilities.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s spent a considerable amount of time as a groom.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since the coachman job is now obsolete with the advent of cars. However, if the show took place while the Dowager Countess was a child, there would’ve been one.

3. Postilion
Function: A rider who mounted on one of the coach’s drawing horses (usually one of the left ones. If there was no coachman, then the front left one).
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 12 pounds ($1,500) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Stable Master or Coachman.
Hours: Worked as needed, particularly while during travels.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young man or boy, especially one light enough not to cause the horses strain.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey for the Granthams no longer use coaches. Thus, one would be employed only by royalty.

4. Running Footman
Function: Responsible for running ahead at the cavalcade, prepare a path for the coach, and prepare the inn for his master’s arrival. Would also engage in running contests to win wages for his master.
Pay and Benefits: Well, I’m sure it was the same as a footman’s.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Status was about the same as footman. However, this was a pretty dangerous job.
Hours: Well, whenever the master was traveling as far as I could tell.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried man who was said to be tall and hot. Yet, he’d also have to be fast on his feet.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since coaches are no longer the standard mode for transportation. Also, it was obsolete by the early 1800s.

5. Chasseur
Function: Have responsibilities and duties similar to footman and bodyguard, but more or less the latter except looking pretty. Still, on a coach, he’d be the guy riding shotgun.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a generous compensation from the master as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. However, may have the status of mercenaries. Wear a sword and a feathered hat.
Hours: Worked a 24/7 job basically protecting the family.
Typical Candidate: Usually mustachioed men who spent a significant amount of time in the military as well a stand out in appearance.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but may in the royal household or embassies. However, this was more of a position on the European continent, not England.

6. Courier
Function: Responsible for serving as a guide to the family while traveling by riding in front of the carriage carrying an important person as a form of protection.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received some fair compensation and possibly room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and addressed by his first name.
Hours: Depended on the household’s needs but mostly during travels.
Typical Candidate: Usually a horseman who familiar with the geography, money, language, and other customs of a foreign country. Most likely a foreigner.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since they were mostly used during travels and may have been rendered obsolete.

7. Chauffeur

Chauffeur: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you give to a young radical Irish Nationalist who'll introduce the boss's daughter to left-wing politics and driving before romantically pursuing and eventually running off with her. Just keep him a way from a soup tureen.

Chauffeur: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you give to a young radical Irish Nationalist who’ll introduce the boss’s daughter to left-wing politics and driving before romantically pursuing and eventually running off with her. Just keep him a way from a soup tureen.

Function: Responsible for driving, repairing, and maintaining the family cars.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 40 pounds ($4,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name. May or may not dine with the rest of the servants. Nevertheless, in the days of Downton Abbey, this was a very high demand job (which may explain why Branson wasn’t simply fired for being an Irish nationalist with socialist beliefs or trying to run off with Lady Sybil).
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young man who was a skilled mechanic to deal with breakdowns or tire punctures en route (which happened a lot in the earliest years of the automobile. Still, Branson would’ve fit the bill perfectly). A retrained coachman also fits the bill. In the Jim Crow Era, it was one of the few skilled professions that was acceptable for African Americans in some parts of the US.
Characters who had this job: Tom Branson starts out with this job at Downton Abbey in Seasons 1-2. However, there are other chauffeurs who also serve the Granthams.

8. Travel Groom or Porter
Function: Responsible for packing and unpacking their employer’s belongings while traveling. If there were no hotels present, they’d usually set up camp as well as walked with animals like oxen or horses. Sometimes waited on the master hand and foot.
Pay and Benefits: While they accompanied their master on the trip, they were relatively cheap to hire.
Status: They had relatively low status since they were usually made to carry things and hired from groups most Europeans considered inferior anyway.
Hours: Depended whether the master was staying in a hotel or going on a safari. If the latter, then early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Could be of any age, gender, or physicality but outside Europe and Americas, they’re usually people of color. Usually from poor backgrounds.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey. However, you see plenty of fictional examples in almost any work set during the British Empire.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 6-The Grounds and the Hunt

The Grounds: Part of Downton Abbey not much is paid attention to, since the staff there doesn't pay any attention to since they don't work in the house or play any role in the lives of the family. Yet, their main job is just making the estate look pretty and protecting game from poachers so the family can hunt and impress visitors.

The Grounds: Part of Downton Abbey not much is paid attention to, since the staff there doesn’t pay any attention to since they don’t work in the house or play any role in the lives of the family. Yet, their main job is just making the estate look pretty and protecting game from poachers so the family can hunt and impress visitors.

The outside staff isn’t the main focus on Downton Abbey nor is it in any fiction pertaining to a grand British estate. Sure they may not work in the great house or interact with the family as much but it doesn’t mean they’re outside working their tails off. After all, the grounds at Downton need their share of caretaking, too. I mean someone must be doing all the gardening, weeding, planting, mowing, and landscaping to keep the place pristine for visitors. If Downton didn’t have anyone who didn’t tend to the grounds how else could the Granthams have garden parties, hunts, afternoon strolls, dog walks, bazaars, cricket matches, and other outdoor activities. And who’s going to tend to the vegetables, flowers, and exotic plants in the greenhouse? Of course, as for the hunt, there has to be a staff for that, too. I mean who else is going to take care of the hounds and terriers as well as keep them together? Nevertheless, hunting was a frequent activity on large estates like Downton Abbey in which a bunch of rich guys usually grabbed their guns, saddled on, horseback, and rode away to catch some game, which could be a fox, pheasant, or deer. Sometimes there were staff that threw up the pheasants for the aristocrats to shoot at. And a lot of times the members of the hunting party would be totally wasted. Of course, the horseback riding bit, I’ll get to in the next post since it goes well with travel. So without further adieu, here are the jobs associated with groundskeeping and hunting in the world of Downton Abbey.

The Grounds

Garden: At Downton Abbey, this is the place for the village vs. estate cricket match as well as the bazaar. Yet, during a garden party, it's customary that everyone dress in white and don't step on the flowers.

Garden: At Downton Abbey, this is the place for the village vs. estate cricket match as well as the bazaar. Yet, during a garden party, it’s customary that everyone dress in white and don’t step on the flowers.

1. Head Gardener
Function: In charge of the hot houses, green houses, and conservatories on the estate. Supervises the gardeners as well as seasonal harvest employees as well. Escorted visitors on grounds and acted as a guide.
Pay and Benefits: Since impressive gardens were important as impressing guests, his annual salary could be as much as 30-50 pounds ($3,100-$5,400). Also had a private cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, but didn’t have the same privileges as those inside the house would’ve like the Stable Master. Addressed by last name and reported directly to the Estate Manager or master.
Hours: From sunrise to sunset as well as depending on the seasons.
Typical Candidate: Usually an experienced gardener demonstrating a knowledge of flowers, vegetables, fruits, and landscape design.
Characters who had this job: Well, there’s an off-screen character named Mr. Brockit who’s said to hold this job at Downton Abbey.

2. Game Keeper
Function: Responsible for maintaining the local populations of the estate so the master and guests would have game such as pheasant to hunt. Cracks down on trespassers and poachers. May even have his own staff.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30-50 pounds ($3,100-$5,400) as well as his own cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to the Estate Manager.
Hours: Usually was on a 24/7 job with small breaks in between to fulfill basic needs.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who knows how to breed wild game and is familiar with game laws.
Characters who had this job: Well, there hasn’t been a character on the show who’s had this job, but it probably does exist on Downton Abbey seeing that Lord Robert owns large tracts of land and goes hunting. However, outside the show, Rubeus Hagrid had this job at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter series. Of course, the creatures he has to look after aren’t the kind of animals a normal gamekeeper would be familiar with, especially in the Forbidden Forest.

3.  Gardener

Gardener: At Dower House, this job goes to the guy later fired due to suspicion of stealing a letter opener the Dowager Countess received from the King of Sweden. Thanks to Mrs. Crawley's interference, he was later reinstated.

Gardener: At Dower House, this job goes to the guy later fired due to suspicion of stealing a letter opener the Dowager Countess received from the King of Sweden. Thanks to Mrs. Crawley’s interference, he was later reinstated.

Function: Responsible for the care and maintenance of the estate’s or house’s grounds, horticulture, and produce. Duties may depend on the size of household or staff. On smaller estates, may be the resident handyman as well. May be supervised by Head Gardener, sometimes not.
Pay and Benefits: Well, depends on the size of the estate or whether he was the only one there. Either resided on the estate or had his own cottage.
Status: Well, since a gardener usually worked on smaller estates, he probably didn’t have a place on the servant hierarchy. If part of a team, he’d usually be a member of the Lower Staff, addressed by his first name, and reported directly to the Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from sunrise to sunset at least as well as depended on the seasons.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who had an extensive knowledge of plants, particularly fruit trees and flowers.
Characters who had this job: Well, there was one of Rose McClare’s boyfriends named Sam Thawley from Season 4 (but he’s from the Easingwold Estate, though Downton Abbey has to have some). The Dowager Countess also had at least a couple at Dower House and suspected one of them of stealing her ornate letter opener. Joseph Moseley’s father worked as one as well. Outside the show, a great fictional example is Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings who’s from a whole family of them that worked for Bilbo Baggins (yet, “gardener” is actually more like his official job title).

4. Grounds Keeper

Grounds Keeper: At Easingwold Estate, this job goes to the nice strapping young man who sweeps a marquis's daughter under a servant's guise. Of course, he never had a chance with her due to Edwardian class differences of the day. Yet, maybe would've been better off with Daisy. After all, she may run a farm and he may know something about landscaping.

Grounds Keeper: At Easingwold Estate, this job goes to the nice strapping young man who sweeps a marquis’s daughter under a servant’s guise. Of course, he never had a chance with her due to Edwardian class differences of the day. Yet, maybe would’ve been better off with Daisy. After all, she may run a farm and he may know something about landscaping. But, man, he sure can dance.

Function: General laborers under the Head Gardener. Responsible for everything from planting trees to cutting grass as well as other tasks relating to landscaping.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 8-16 pounds ($850-$1,700) depending on age and ability as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from sunrise to sunset.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man at least in his teens or possibly younger.
Characters who had this job: Possibly Sam Thawley from Season 4, though he was referred to as a, “gardener.” Still, Downton Abbey has a lot of these since it’s a large estate.

5. Park Keeper
Function: Cares for the deer at the estate.
Pay and Benefits: Sizeable annual salary as well as his own cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, reported to Game Keeper.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who knows quite a bit about deer.
Characters who had this job: While there are no characters with this job at Downton Abbey, this doesn’t mean that the Granthams don’t have one. I mean, they sponsor hunts.

6. Yard Boy
Function: Fetched wood and aided gardener in utilitarian affairs.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, possibly among the lowest positions. Addressed by first name and reported to Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy who could be as young as 10, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey.

The Hunt

The Hunt: At Downton Abbey, this is an event in which the Granthams and a lot of rich folks load up their guns, saddle up on horseback,  and ride on wit the dogs to shoot some prized game. Not sure if any of them get wasted before then but there's a lot of comedy sketches that play off the alcohol bit.

The Hunt: At Downton Abbey, this is an event in which the Granthams and a lot of rich folks load up their guns, saddle up on horseback, and ride on wit the dogs to shoot some prized game. Not sure if any of them get wasted before then but there’s a lot of comedy sketches that play off the alcohol bit. Nevertheless, when Lady Mary takes part, is a source of a lot of sexual tension.

1. Master of the Hounds

Master of the Hounds: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the guy who's name you don't know and probably gets barely any screen time. Yet, he's in charge of the pack and gets the hunt started so Lady could have her 3 way love triangle with Evelyn Napier, Matthew Crawley, and Kemal Pamuk.

Master of the Hounds: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the guy who’s name you don’t know and probably gets barely any screen time. Yet, he’s in charge of the pack and gets the hunt started so Lady could have her 3 way love triangle with Evelyn Napier, Matthew Crawley, and Kemal Pamuk.

Function: Operates the sporting activities of the hunt, maintains the kennels, and has the final say in all matters of the hunt on the estate.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure that he received a generous compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to the Estate Manager.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who has experience with hunting and dogs.
Characters who had this job: Though no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone does at the estate. However, he’s part of a staff that’s not the show’s main focus.

2. Kennelman
Function: Looked after the hounds and assured all tasks were completed when pack and staff return from hunting.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they were well compensated as well as received room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: A man who’s had experience working with dogs.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

3. Huntsman
Function: Responsible for directing the hounds during a hunt. Carries a horn to communicate with the hounds, followers, and whippers-in. May fill the role of Kennelman or Master of the Hounds.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a handsome compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name. Reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked as long as needed as far as I know.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs and hunting.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

4. Terrier Man
Function: Carried out fox control when the object of the hunt is to kill one. Controlled the terriers that may be used underground to flush out the fox.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a handsome compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night or whenever as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

5. Whipper-In
Function: Assistant to the huntsman whose main job was to keep the pack together as well as prevent the pack from straying.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a fair compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to the Huntsman.
Hours: Worked as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs and animals but not as much as the Huntsman.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 5-The Dressing Room and the Nursery

The Family: At Downton Abbey, this post is devoted to the servants who work closest with them and seek to their personal needs. Of course, it's not all the time do we have a family in which the both grandparents and grandchildren don't dress themselves.

The Family: At Downton Abbey, this post is devoted to the servants who work closest with them and seek to their personal needs. Of course, it’s not all the time do we have a family in which the both grandparents and grandchildren don’t dress themselves.

The reason why I combined servant jobs relating to the dressing room and the nursery because these were the servants who were probably the closest to the family and dealt with them on a daily basis (well, other than the butler, housekeeper, and cook but they had their own departments). Contrary to what you’d see on Downton Abbey, those with the large estates weren’t actively in contact with the lowliest scullery maid let alone took an active role in planning her wedding to her deathbed ridden fiance (then again, WWI was a time of extraordinary upheaval). Yet, most of the time, servants in general (save maybe the footmen and possibly the butler) were required to be invisible and many houses were designed to keep them separate from the family and unseen from not only the guests but also those who hired them. However, there were some positions in the household where invisibility wasn’t an option at least in regards where the family was concerned. After all, someone has to seek to the lord and lady of the house’s every need, make their clothes, keep them company, and raise their kids. I mean the family had a reputation to live up with all the fancy balls, banquets, and parties, which may take weeks to plan in advance. The mistress doesn’t have the time to get dressed or tend to her children’s every need, except maybe arrange a suitable marriage. As for the master, well, he’s too busy with his purchased government post and expanding his estate. So for your reading pleasure, here are the servant jobs relating to the Dressing Room and the Nursery.

The Dressing Room:

Master Dressing Room: At Downton Abbey, this is the room in the house where the resident Earl of Grantham gets dressed about 4 or more times a day. Also, serves as a second bedroom to the resident Earl whenever is wife is furious with him after their daughter died from post-partum eclampsia.

Master Dressing Room: At Downton Abbey, this is the room in the house where the resident Earl of Grantham gets dressed about 4 or more times a day. Also, serves as a second bedroom to the resident Earl whenever is wife is furious with him after their daughter died from post-partum eclampsia.

1.  Lady’s Companion
Function: Accompanied their mistress on excursions as well as participated in shopping, playing cards, and aiding in her comfort. They’re sort of like 24-hour on call friends for hire. You might call it an acceptable form of platonic prostitution.
Pay and Benefits: Well, I’m sure they received a generous compensation.
Status: Well, they weren’t actually considered servants, but they were addressed as “Mrs.” regardless of courtesy. Wouldn’t result in loss of class status.
Hours: Well, they were usually hired to work on call which could be all day.
Typical Candidate: Must be a young unmarried woman of upper or middle class birth who possessed an education in music, language, conversation, and the arts. Usually women who were too rich to be maids or prostitutes but don’t have any other opportunities available. Sometimes they could be male.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since there were more opportunities for women by that time. However, until the mid-20th century, this job continued to exist (as I’ve seen in a few old movies. Carlo from My Man Godfrey is a good example despite being male. The second Mrs. de Winter was also one during her single years) but not in the same capacity as before the 19th century.

2. Valet

Valet: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the middle aged disabled war veteran with a history of alcoholism, prison time, and a vindictive estranged first wife. Sure he's a nice mild mannered guy who seems to have a lot of bad things happen to him. Yet, whatever you do, don't ever rape his wife Anna. Because he's will find out and can easily kill you. Also has a cool pimp cane.

Valet: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the middle aged disabled war veteran with a history of alcoholism, prison time, and a vindictive estranged first wife. Sure he’s a nice mild mannered guy who seems to have a lot of bad things happen to him. Yet, whatever you do, don’t ever rape his wife Anna. Because he will find out and can easily kill you. Also has a cool pimp cane.

Function: Gentleman’s male servant responsible to the master’s person seeking to his every personal need like preparing his toilette, dressing and undressing him, maintaining his clothes, shaving him, running his bath, and packing and unpacking his clothes while traveling. When his master is away, he accompanies him and is his constant companion. Not to mention, he loads his master’s rifle while shooting, stands behind his master’s chair during meals, brushes his clothes, and cleans his boots. Sometimes he even performs secretarial duties as well. If their master is infirm or elderly, he sometimes attends to his health needs. If there’s no valet present, then the butler or footman usually perform these duties and perhaps only for a single man.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20-30 pounds ($2,100-$3,200). Usually are paid more than a lady’s maid. Might have his own room or cottage depending on marital status. Yet, might sleep in the same room as his master.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and is only answerable to his master alone. Does not wear a livery. In some households, it’s possible for every adult male member to have their own. Addressed by his last name, usually. May possibly outrank the butler and be paid more than him, too.
Hours: Well, valets have long days attending to their masters’ needs (from the time he’s up to until he goes to bed) and they probably have the least free time. While the other servants may have some free time while the family is away, the valet doesn’t since he has to travel with his master wherever he goes.
Typical Candidate: Valets learn their skills for their roles in various ways. Some began as footmen and learning on the job as well as taking over for their master’s valet on some occasions (like Thomas). Sometimes they could learn by performing various tasks for the sons or male guests who didn’t travel with one (again, as Thomas did). Others started out as servants for military officers such as batmen for those in the army or stewards for those in the navy (as Bates did and William Mason would’ve if he hadn’t died). May have also started as a steward’s boy as well.
Characters who had this job: John Bates has this job at Downton Abbey serving as valet for Lord Robert, Earl of Grantham and has been employed since the very first episode (with Thomas and others occasionally taking over). Bates was hired since he served as the Earl’s batman during the Boer Wars. Joseph Molesley has worked as Matthew Crawley’s valet in Seasons 1 and 3 (in Season 2, he’s just hanging around the Crawley House). Outside the show, famous valets in fiction include Jeeves who works for Bertie Wooster from the P. G. Wodehouse stories (and is basically a saint since Wooster has the emotional maturity of a fratboy), Figaro who works for the Count of Almaviva in The Marriage of Figaro which inspired two operas by Mozart and Rossini (though he’s sometimes listed as a barber), Passepartout for Phileas Fogg in Jules Verne’s Around the World in Eighty Days, and Alfred Pennyworth who works and acts as a father figure for Batman. Hercule Poirot and D’Artangnan employ one, too. Let’s just say, this position is very well represented in fiction.

3. Lady’s Maid

Lady's Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to a middle aged scheming bitch willing to take advantage of her mistress's horrible judge of character for all it's worth. Whether it's ransacking the housekeeper's room for a snuff box, tricking a footman into committing sexual assault, disseminating details about the boss's daughter and the Turk,  or causing a miscarriage through her ladyship's soap, she will always remain her mistress's most trusted servant. Yes, lack of background checks give this position ultimate job security.

Lady’s Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to a middle aged scheming bitch willing to take advantage of her mistress’s horrible judge of character for all it’s worth. Whether it’s ransacking the housekeeper’s room for a snuff box, tricking a footman into committing sexual assault, disseminating details about the boss’s daughter and the Turk, or causing a miscarriage through her ladyship’s soap, she will always remain her mistress’s most trusted servant. Yes, lack of background checks give this position ultimate job security.

Function: Charged with attending to her mistress’s appearance such as arranging her hair, caring for her clothes, packing and unpacking her clothes while traveling, and dressing her. Can also make her mistress’s dresses. Is responsible for bringing up her mistress’s breakfast, drawing her bath, putting out necessities for walking and riding, putting away her jewels, washing her lace and fine linens, and putting her room in order. At another time, she was said for being responsible for carrying messages in her clothes and accompanying her on errands.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20-30 pounds ($2,100-$3,200) as well as own room or cottage depending on marital status.
Status: Usually addressed by her last name and “Miss” if unmarried. However, despite being paid lower than a valet this is perhaps the zenith position in the maid world. Also, is only answerable to the mistress alone. There could be as many lady’s maids on an estate as there are women. An estate the size of Downton Abbey would’ve included one for each adult female family member “out” in society (which means the Crawleys should have at least 3 or 4 of them).
Hours: Like a valet, lady’s maids have long days from early morning to late at night since they have to attend to their mistress’ every need. And while other servants have free time while the family is away, they have to go with them. Yet, at least the women of the house didn’t travel as often as the men in those days.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman who’s spent considerable time as a maid whether it be as a house maid, chamber maid, or parlor maid. Not to mention, has experience tending to a woman’s personal needs.
Characters who had this job: Sarah O’Brien was one to Lady Cora, Countess of Grantham from Season 1 to Season 3. Yet, before she left, she had been working at Downton Abbey for over 20 years (about the same as Mrs. Patmore). Since Season 4, she’s left Downton Abbey to work for Lady Susan Flintshire (which furthers secures Thomas’ place since she was the only other resident baddie there). In Season 4 Cora’s lady’s maids have been Edna Braithwhite (who Mrs. Hughes had forced to resign) and Phyllis Baxter who holds that post as of Season 4 as well as known for her sewing machine and textile work. And from Season 3 onward, Anna Bates has been acting as lady’s maid to Lady Mary but she’s not addressed by her last name for obvious reasons.

4. Tailor
Function: Responsible for making, repairing, or altering clothing such as suits, pants, and trousers, particularly for men.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received as fair compensation as well as room and board depending on the era.
Status: If a servant member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name. Could also be a professional with his own shop.
Hours: Worked as often as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s apprenticed as well as has considerable skill making clothes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist at Downton Abbey, at least in a servant capacity, which probably became defunct with the sewing machine.

5. Dressmaker
Function: Responsible for making custom clothing for women such as dresses, blouses, evening gowns.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure she received a generous sum of money besides room and board. If not a servant, she may have had her own shop.
Status: Either a member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name or a professional.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman skilled in making clothes as well as with a great knowledge of styles and fabrics.
Characters who had this job: So far this job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since the sewing machine made that job obsolete in the servant capacity.

6. Seamstress

Seamstress: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position given to the lady's maid who's brought her own sewing machine and could really operate one at that. Still, she also acts as the under butler's below the stairs spy through blackmail.

Seamstress: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position given to the lady’s maid who’s brought her own sewing machine and could really operate one at that. Still, she also acts as the under butler’s below the stairs spy through blackmail.

Function: Responsible for sewing seams and repairing clothing.
Pay and Benefits: Other than room and board, not much pay as the dressmaker.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Dressmaker or Tailor.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman with some sewing skill but not as much as a dressmaker.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey in the servant capacity thanks to the sewing machine. However, as of Season 4, Baxter seems to fulfill this role.

7. Hair Dresser
Function: Responsible for styling and cutting hair, especially for the ladies of the estate. Also, works with wigs depending on the era.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure one would get fair compensation if not room and board.
Status: Either as a member of the Lower Staff or as a professional.
Hours: Worked as needed but his or her schedule would be packed in the 18th century.
Typical Candidate: Someone who’s skilled with styling hair.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey as of Season 4.

8. House Boy
Function: A male house cleaner who performed a lot of tasks in the household similar to a valet and house maid.
Pay and Benefits: Compensation may vary but he was usually given room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name, if he was part of a large household.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between the ages of 10-16 and more often a person of color from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey because they were usually employed by families within the British Empire and outside Great Britain.

9. Steward’s Boy
Function: Responsible for attending the needs of the House Steward such as cleaning his dishes, brushing his clothes, attending to the lamps and candles in his room, polishing his shoes, and be a diligent messenger. Also, take over for an absent footman.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 8-16 pounds ($860-$1,700) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to the House Steward.
Hours: Had long days since they waited on somebody hand and foot.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between the ages of 10-16 from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey but I wouldn’t be surprised if Carson was one as a kid. Same may go for Bates.

The Nursery

The Nursery: At Downton Abbey, this is the room where the small children spend most of the time with the nanny while their parents can devote significant time to either running the estate, getting entangled in love triangles, or attending fancy dress balls. After all, what else are children good for than continuing the family line, anyway?

The Nursery: At Downton Abbey, this is the room where the small children spend most of the time with the nanny while their parents can devote significant time to either running the estate, getting entangled in love triangles, or attending fancy dress balls. After all, what else are children good for than continuing the family line and future marriage alliances, anyway?

1. Head Nurse or Nanny

Nanny: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give the elderly woman who's a bossy control freak with family visitations as well as willing to bully and starve a two-year-old girl for being a "chauffeur's daughter" and "wicked little cross-breed." Turns out the spiteful under butler was inadvertently right.

Nanny: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give the elderly woman who’s a bossy control freak with family visitations as well as willing to bully and starve a two-year-old girl for being a “chauffeur’s daughter” and “wicked little cross-breed.” Turns out the spiteful under butler was inadvertently right. Seems like the heir to the estate isn’t thrilled with her either.

Function: In charge of the nursing staff in houses with several nurses. Charged with caring for the household’s children from the time they are born until they’re turned over to a governess or tutor. Duties include washing and dressing children, feeding them, taking them on outings, and putting them to bed. May make the children’s underwear and repair their clothes.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 25 pounds ($2,700) as well as probably sleeps in the nursery or has a room nearby. Can have dinner brought to the nursery or dine with the other servants (Downton’s nanny probably does the former since the others rarely see her.)
Status: Depends on the household. Yet, they’re most likely members of the Senior Staff since they’re only answerable to their charges’ parents. Addressed by last name.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job with very few breaks and might even end when the kids are old enough for school.
Typical Candidate: Well, usually a woman who’s had experience with child care if she’s the head nurse. However, as a nanny she had to be at least a young woman who’s had a child.
Characters who had this job: Well, on Downton Abbey there’s the mean Nanny West of Season 4, who Thomas had fired for bullying and starving Lady Sybil’s daughter Sybbie. Her identity of her successor is unknown, but since the birth of Sybbie and George, this position certainly exists as of Season 4 (yet, the kids don’t really play much of a role anyway).

2. Monthly Nurse
Function: Responsible for looking after a mother and her baby within the first few weeks of birth. Could also take over as midwife and give instructions to first time mothers.
Pay and Benefits: She was usually recommended by the doctor and paid a handsome sum as well as room and board till her time was through.
Status: This was a Casual Staff position.
Hours: This was a 24/7 and only lasted a month.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman who had child herself (and possibly a grandchild). She was typically between the ages of 30-50 years old.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since it was more of an 18th and 19th century job. Probably should’ve used one with Lady Sybil concerned.

3. Wet Nurse
Function: Responsible for breastfeeding the infants of the house if the mother is unable or chooses not to nurse her child.
Pay and Benefits: Well, other than room and board, this job had a nice compensation since there was significant demand.
Status: Depends. She could be a Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Nanny or she could be promoted to Nanny.
Hours: This was a 24/7 job since she had to be available on demand.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young woman who’s recently had a child, particularly out of wed lock.
Characters who had this job: This job may or may not exist on Downton Abbey depending on how baby Sybbie was fed in Season 3. I mean, we know that she wasn’t breastfed by her mother. Yet, from the mid-19th century on, this profession fell out of favor in most developed areas except the American South.

4. Governess
Function: Responsible for educating any girls who’d be living on the estate from their childhood to their teenage years or when they’d enter boarding school, finishing school, be introduced to society, or get married. They’d also educate boys as well but only for a short time until they went to a tutor or boarding school. Still, when her job was done, she’d usually remain as a paid companion.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 25 pounds ($2,700) as well as room and board.
Status: It’s hard to say. Though not seen as servants, were certainly treated like them. However, their lives were miserable since family members and servants looked down on them either for coming from a failed family or representing hypocrisy. Existed in a social limbo and ate on her own (maybe this is why Jane Eyre went back to Mr. Rochester).
Hours: This was a 24/7 job since they functioned as teachers and babysitters.
Typical Candidate: An educated genteel unmarried woman who needs to financially support herself.
Characters who had this job: So far, no characters on Downton Abbey have had this job, but when Lady Mary’s son George is old enough there might be. However, outside the show, there are quite a few in fiction and real life. The most famous examples are Jane Eyre, Agnes Grey, Mary Poppins, and Becky Sharpe from Vanity Fair. In the Sherlock Holmes series, Dr. Watson marries one. In real life, you have Maria von Trapp, Annie Sullivan, Anna Leonowens (from The King and I as well as great-aunt to Boris Karloff), and Marie Curie.

5. Tutor
Function: Responsible for providing an education to any of the family’s son on the estate whether it be general or in a specific subject until they either go to a secondary boarding school or university.
Pay and Benefits: Usually more than a governess as well as room and board.
Status: Well, he would be more or less considered to be at the same level as a governess but probably seen as a guy who couldn’t get a teaching job.
Hours: This could be a 24/7 job since he’d basically be a teacher and babysitter. But if it’s in a certain subject, then probably as often as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried man trained as a school master but couldn’t get a teaching job or has some particular skill in a subject. Might be from a genteel family or a foreign country.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but once Lady Mary’s son George is old enough, there probably will be one. Then again, he might go to boarding school. Yet, you see tutors a lot in fictional works.

6. Nursery Maid
Function: Supporting the nanny in looking after young children. Often charged with washing diapers, cleaning and maintaining the nursery, maintaining fires, carrying meals and dishes between the nursery and kitchen or scullery, and removing soiled items from sight. Also, attended to the wet nurse if there was one.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 10-15 pounds ($1,100-$1,600) depending on age and ability. May have a bed either near the nursery or in it.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and may either eat in the nursery or in the servants’ hall. Report directly to the Nanny.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job with few breaks that usually ends when the children are old enough for school.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens, many could be 12-14 years old and perhaps even younger than 10. Most nannies probably started out as this.
Characters who had this job: Well, while there hasn’t been anyone at Downton Abbey with this job who’s a character, the estate at least employs a couple of them as far as I’ve seen.