Movie Stars Who Have Never Won an Oscar: Part 2 – Richard Widmark to Peter Lorre

William Powell and Myrna Loy were among one of Hollywood's most famous onscreen couples starring in 14 films together during the 1930s and 1940s. However, their most famous pairing has to be in the six Thin Man movies in which they play America's favorite pair of wealthy, alcoholic, and crime solving pet owners Nick and Nora Charles.

William Powell and Myrna Loy were among one of Hollywood’s most famous onscreen couples starring in 14 films together during the 1930s and 1940s. However, their most famous pairing has to be in the six Thin Man movies in which they play America’s favorite pair of wealthy, alcoholic, and crime solving pet owners Nick and Nora Charles.

Of course, my last post was quite long. However, I promise that my later posts in this series won’t take up as much space as the last one since the first one was just introductory. Not to mention, there will be some star profiles that won’t be quite as long. Now this selection pertains to some other famous screen legends you may or may not be familiar with. Yet, they weren’t as noteworthy as the previous ten you’ve just seen. To start off, you have two pioneering African American actresses Dorothy Dandridge and Lena Horne who’ve both achieved fame as black leading ladies during segregation and Jim Crow. Then we have William Powell and Myrna Loy who appeared in 14 films together but are best known as the Dashiell Hammett characters Nick and Nora Charles. Next, you have Richard Widmark and Fred MacMurray who both usually play nice guys but their greatest performances usually consist them playing evil men. After that you have legendary song and dance man Gene Kelly as well as 6 time Academy Award loser Deborah Kerr best known for playing Boris Karloff’s great-aunt from The King and I (I’m not kidding, look it up). Then you have Swedish actress Greta Garbo best known for her sexual allure, husky Swedish voice, and her reclusive nature after she retired in the 1940s. And finally, there’s the one and only Peter Lorre best known for being one of the creepiest men on earth as well as having a voice cartoons have imitated ever since. So for your pleasure, here are 10 more movie stars who never made their Oscar speech after being announced for beating their fellow nominees during the ceremony.

11. Richard Widmark

Richard Widmark's portrayal of Tommy Udo in Kiss of Death in which he pushes a poor wheelchair bound woman down the stairs has been ranked as one of the greatest villains in movie history as well as an inspiration for the Joker in Batman. Unfortunately, when nominated around Oscar time, Academy voters weren't very comfortable with having a guy win the Best Supporting Actor price to a man playing a complete psycho so they gave the Oscar to a man playing Santa Claus.

Richard Widmark’s portrayal of Tommy Udo in Kiss of Death in which he pushes a poor wheelchair bound woman down the stairs has been ranked as one of the greatest villains in movie history as well as an inspiration for the Joker in Batman. Unfortunately, when nominated around Oscar time, Academy voters weren’t very comfortable with having a guy win the Best Supporting Actor prize to a man playing a complete psycho. So they gave the Oscar to a man playing Santa Claus.

Personal Life: (1914-2008) Born in Sunrise Township, Minnesota and grew up in Princeton, Illinois. Father was a traveling salesman of Swedish ancestry. Studied and taught acting at Lake Forest College. First acting jobs were for radio in the late 1930s and early 1940s. Debuted on Broadway in 1943 and film in 1947. Married for 45 years to Jean Hazelwood and had a daughter married to Sandy Colfax from 1969-1982. In 1999, he married Susan Blanchard, the former 3rd Mrs. Henry Fonda and stepdaughter to Oscar Hammerstein II. Retired in 2001 and died in Roxbury, Connecticut after a long illness 7 years later at 93.
Famous for: American actor originally typecast as villains or antiheros in film noir but later branched out into leading and support heroic roles in westerns, mainstream dramas, and horror films among others. Notable roles are Tommy Udo from Kiss of Death, Dude from Yellow Sky, Harry Fabian from Night and the City, Ray Biddle from No Way Out, Jim Bowie from The Alamo, Col. Tad Lawson from Judgment at Nuremberg, Captain Thomas Archer from Cheyenne Autumn, and Ratchet/Cassetti from Murder on the Orient Express as well as countless cowboys, gangsters, police officers, and military men.
Nominated for: Only nominated as Best Supporting Actor in 1947 for Kiss of Death.
Most Crushing Loss: Sure Widmark may have had stiff competition against Edmund Gwenn and Robert Ryan in 1947, but you have to admit playing a complete psycho and losing the Oscar race to Santa Claus as particularly humiliating. Still, his Tommy Udo might’ve been the inspiration for Heath Ledger’s Joker from The Dark Knight and is every bit as villainous. It’s no question he should’ve won.
Reasons: For one, Kiss of Death was Widmark’s first film. Secondly, I’m not sure if the Hollywood establishment was ready to award an Oscar for to an actor playing a psychopathic gangster who pushes a wheelchair bound woman down the stairs just for giggles. He was also subject to a lot of typecasting afterwards.
Trivia: Was a big Batman fan and his Tommy Udo performance might’ve inspired the Joker. Had a ranch during the 1950s and 1960s near Green City, Missouri where he raised funds for an airport named in honor. Despite that his characters were mostly armed, was as staunch supporter of gun control.

12. Fred MacMurray

Fred MacMurray is probably best known by your baby boomer parents as playing the kind single dad from My Three Sons. Of course, while mostly playing nice guys, he did play a few not so wholesome characters in movies like The Apartment, The Caine Mutiny, and Double Indemnity. See my thing about these roles in my post on bad movie bosses.

Fred MacMurray is probably best known by your baby boomer parents as playing the kind single dad from My Three Sons. Of course, while mostly playing nice guys, he did play a few not so wholesome characters in movies like The Apartment, The Caine Mutiny, and Double Indemnity. See my thing about these roles in my post on bad movie bosses.

Personal Life: (1908-1991) Born in Kankakee, Illinois and grew up in his mother’s hometown of Beaver Dam, Wisconsin. Attended Carroll College on a full scholarship but didn’t graduate though he participated in local bands and even played the saxophone. Before Hollywood, he’d recorded songs as a featured vocalist for the Gus Arnheim Orchestra as well as with Bob Hope and Sydney Greenstreet on Broadway. Married twice but was never divorced. Adopted 2 children with first wife Lillian Lamont and adopted twin girls with second wife June Haver to whom he was married to for 37 years. Retired in 1978. Suffered throat cancer in the 1970s and late 1980s. Suffered from a severe stroke in 1988 which left his right side paralyzed though he managed a 90% with therapy. Died of pneumonia at 83 after a battle with leukemia for over a decade.
Famous for: American actor who appeared in more than 100 films and a successful TV show during a career spanning nearly half a century. Originally typecast nice guys in romantic comedies, melodramas, and musicals, he broke that with Double Indemnity as well as played outright scumbags in The Caine Mutiny and The Apartment. Spent a lot of his later career making Disney movies. Notable roles are Arthur Russell from Alice Adams, Walter Neff from Double Indemnity, Lt. Tom Keefer from The Caine Mutiny, Jeff Sheldrake from The Apartment, Wilson Daniels from The Shaggy Dog, and Professor Ned Brainard from The Absent-Minded Professor. Also known for playing the Steven Douglas from My Three Sons.
Nominated for: Murray was never nominated for an Oscar.
Most Crushing Loss: Not being nominated for Best Supporting Actor in The Caine Mutiny (also the same for Jose Ferrer as well) or The Apartment. Also, not being nominated for Double Indemnity for Best Actor. Often said that his best roles were when he played against type.
Reasons: For one, he spent his early career being typecast and I’m sure playing assholes didn’t go well with the Hollywood establishment at the time. Also, made Disney movies.
Trivia: Said to be one of the wealthiest actors in Hollywood mostly because he had a reputation for being cheap as well as bringing a brown paper bag lunch with a hard-boiled egg, sometimes a leftover dyed one from Easter. Was also a skillful investor in California real estate. Appeared in commercials for Greyhound and Korean chesinbop math calculation program. Insisted that all his scenes for My Three Sons be filmed first so he could have plenty of time making movies and playing golf. Established the MacMurray Ranch in Northern California where he raised prize winning Aberdeen Angus cattle. Sold the ranch to Gallo in 1996 which planted vineyards for wine sold in the MacMurray Ranch name. First person honored as a Disney Legend in 1987. Played saxophone on The Jack Benny Program.

13. Lena Horne

Lena Horne is better known for her singing career and civil rights activisim. Yet, she's one of the first big African American female movie stars who refused to play maids her movie career during Jim Crow. Of course, being a black woman, that's a reason why she made so few.

Lena Horne is better known for her singing career and civil rights activisim. Yet, she’s one of the first big African American female movie stars who refused to play maids her movie career during Jim Crow. Of course, being a black woman, that’s a reason why she made so few.

Personal Life: (1917-2010) Born in Bedford-Stuyvesant in Brooklyn, New York City. Father was a numbers kingpin and gambler. Mother was an actress from a black theater troupe. Lived in New York, Pittsburgh, Georgia, and Pennsylvania. Moved to Pittsburgh at 18 and lived there for 5 years until she joined the Cotton Club as a chorus girl. Made her first film in 1938 and her first recording some time before that. Married twice and had 2 children to her first husband Louis Jordan. Second husband was a white man named Lennie Hayton for 24 years (yet they separated in the 1960s and she said she only married him to advance her career but she loved him very much). Retired in 1980. Died in New York City of heart failure at 92.
Famous for: American singer, actress, dancer, and civil rights activist. From a Cotton Club chorus girl at 16 and nightclub performer before moving to Hollywood where he had both bit and substantial roles. Notable roles are Ethel Andrews from The Duke Is Tops, Georgia Brown from Cabin in the Sky, and Glinda the Good from The Wiz.
Nominated for: Horne was never nominated for an Oscar.
Most Crushing Loss: Not receiving an honorary Oscar for lifetime achievement due to making so few films. Yet, I really think she should’ve gotten one since she refused to play maids.
Reasons: She was black. She refused to play maids (which really limited the quantity of movies she made). And she found herself blacklisted for a time due to her left leaning views and civil rights activism during the Red Scare that she only made 2 movies during the 1950s.
Trivia: Uncle was an adviser to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Granddaughter of inventor Samuel R. Scottron. Refused to perform to segregated audiences and was only able to do a show for the US during WWII in front of African American servicemen and German POWs. Lost her father, husband, and son in the same year. Worked with Eleanor Roosevelt to pass anti-lynching laws. Spoke and performed during the March on Washington. Was not thrilled about the potential prospect of Janet Jackson playing her in a biopic, especially after her 2004 Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction. Granddaughter was the screenwriter for Rachel Getting Married. Daughter became a best-selling author.

14. Dorothy Dandridge

Dorothy Dandridge was the first African American woman nominated for a Best Actress Academy Award in the 1950s. However, her life was rather tragic with failed marriages, a special needs kid, substance abuse, and financial troubles. And despite her success in Carmen Jones, her career would decline because the racist climate at the time didn't allow her access to very good leading or possibly supporting roles.

Dorothy Dandridge was the first African American woman nominated for a Best Actress Academy Award in the 1950s. However, her life was rather tragic with failed marriages, a special needs kid, substance abuse, and financial troubles. And despite her success in Carmen Jones, her career would decline because the racist climate at the time didn’t allow her access to very good leading or possibly supporting roles.

Personal Life: (1922-1965) Born in Cleveland. Mother was an aspiring entertainer. Father was a cabinet maker and minister. Mother created a song and dance act for her and her 2 sisters called “The Wonder Children” who appeared in nightclubs for several years as well as later became The Dandridge Sisters. Made her first film in 1935. Married twice and had a daughter to first husband Harold Nicholas. Second husband was a white man, abuser, and gold digger who used all her money before abandoning her. Was swindled by those who handled her finances of $150,000 and was in $139,000 debt in back taxes that she was forced to sell her Hollywood home. Daughter was officially diagnosed with brain damage but was probably autistic (problems were associated with social and verbal skills) and eventually sent to a state mental institution when she couldn’t afford to keep her. Was also plagued by drinking problems later in life. Died either of an embolism or drug overdose at 42.
Famous for: American actress, singer, and dancer. Mostly appeared in uncredited roles before stardom. Notable roles are Dorothy from Teachers Beau, Thalia from Bahama Passage, Kipsang’s Bride from Sundown, Felice from Lady from Louisiana, Melmendi, Queen of the Ashuba from Tarzan’s Peril, Jane Richards from Bright Road, Ann Carpenter from The Harlem Globetrotters, Carmen Jones, Margot Seaton from Island in the Sun, Aiché, Reiker’s mistress from Tamango, Mahia from The Decks Ran Red, Bess from Porgy and Bess, and Gianna from Malaga.
Nominated for: Dandridge was nominated for Best Actress in 1954 for Carmen Jones.
Most Crushing Loss: Losing to Grace Kelly for Best Actress in 1954. Sure I know she wasn’t going to win but she should’ve at least lost to Judy Garland. Yet, what’s more crushing about this is that she was probably the nominee who received the least amount of votes which was probably due to her skin color.
Reasons: Most of the time, African American actresses nominated for Best Actress usually never win, even today with the sole exception of Halle Berry in 2002. Since Dandridge was nominated for Best Actress during segregation in the 1950s, her race was an even bigger mark against her. Not to mention, the Hollywood Studio System and the Hays Code made it even more difficult for her to get any good non-stereotypical parts as well. Her career also declined after her nomination.
Trivia: First African American actress nominated for an Oscar in a leading role. She and Maureen O’Hara were the only two stars who testified against Hollywood Research Inc. for libel, a tabloid magazine company that gave blatantly false accounts of them having casual sex with multiple individuals. Was romantically linked to Otto Preminger.

15. William Powell

William Powell may not have been a handsome leading man, but his voice and fashion sense made him perfect in movies like My Man Godfrey and The Thin Man series. Was married and divorced to Carole Lombard, engaged to Jean Harlow, and starred with Myrna Loy in 14 films (though they never dated in real life).

William Powell may not have been a handsome leading man, but his voice and fashion sense made him perfect in movies like My Man Godfrey and The Thin Man series. Was married and divorced to Carole Lombard, engaged to Jean Harlow, and starred with Myrna Loy in 14 films (though they never dated in real life).

Personal Life: (1892-1984) Born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania but attended high school in St. Louis, Missouri where lived a few blocks away from his future fiancée Jean Harlow’s family whom he didn’t meet until after they were established actors. Attended the American Academy for Dramatic Arts after graduating high school and got his start on vaudeville, stock companies, and Broadway. Married 3 times with his second marriage being to Carole Lombard (yet even though they divorced after 2 years, he was still devastated when she died in a 1942 plane crash). Had a son who became a producer and writer to Eileen Wilson. Yet his son would commit suicide in 1968. Married to Diana Lewis for 44 years. As far as his personal life goes, he’s best known for marrying Carole Lombard and dating Jean Harlow. Survived a bout of cancer in 1937. Retired from acting in 1955. Died from heart failure at 91.
Famous for: American actor who typically played highly self-confident characters, with sophistication and sense of wit. Originally started acting in movies in 1922 mostly playing in a supporting capacity until talkies. Made 14 films with Myrna Loy including the six Thin Man films. Notable roles are Nick Charles from the Thin Man series, Godfrey Parke from My Man Godfrey, Lev Andreyev from The Last Command, Philo Vance from The Canary Murder Case, Bill Chandler from Libeled Lady, George Carey from I Love You Again, Clarence Day Sr. from Life with Father. J. D. Hanley from How to Marry a Millionaire, and Lt. “Doc” from Mister Roberts.
Nominated for: Powell was nominated 3 times for Best Actor consisting of: 1934 for The Thin Man, 1936 for My Man Godfrey, and 1948 for Life with Father.
Most Crushing Loss: It’s hard to say Oscar wise since he lost to guys like Clark Gable, Paul Muni (whose Oscar was long overdue), and Ronald Colman who were all very talented actors. Yet, what probably stings the most is that he died at 91 without an honorary Oscar for Lifetime Achievement.
Reasons: Most of Powell’s films were comedies, which doesn’t win Oscars even today. Not to mention, being burned by the competition whenever he was nominated.
Trivia: Married wife #3 after knowing her for 3 weeks (luckily this one worked out). Said to place a white gardenia and unsigned note reading, “Good night, my dearest darling” in Jean Harlow’s hands before she was interred in the $25,000 9 x 10-ft private room he paid for in the “Sanctuary of Benediction” of the Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Memorial Park (then again, she was the love of his life).

16. Gene Kelly

Gene Kelly is noted to have said, "If Fred Astaire is the Cary Grant of dance, I'm the Marlon Brando." Of course, he's best known for his contributions to the Hollywood musical. Yet, unlike Fred Astaire, he ceased being relevant after film musicals fell out of fashion in the late 1950s.

Gene Kelly is noted to have said, “If Fred Astaire is the Cary Grant of dance, I’m the Marlon Brando.” Of course, he’s best known for his contributions to the Hollywood musical. Yet, unlike Fred Astaire, he ceased being relevant after film musicals fell out of fashion in the late 1950s.

Personal Life: (1912-1996) Born Eugene Curran Kelly in the East Liberty in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Father was a phonograph salesman. Mother made him and his brother James take dance lessons. Graduated high school at 16. Attended Penn State for journalism but dropped out to help his family due to the crash of 1929. He and his brother Fred performed in local talent contests for prizes and nightclubs. Studied economics at the University of Pittsburgh, member of Phi Beta Kappa and the Cap and Gown Club, and was admitted to Pitt Law School (but dropped out after 2 months). Also worked as a dance teacher in his family dance studio at Squirrel Hill for 7 years soon called the Gene Kelly School of Dance. Started his show biz career on Broadway and the stage before signing on to David O. Selznick. Married 3 times with Betsey Blair as his first wife. Had 3 children including a daughter to Blair as well as a daughter and son to second wife Jeanne Coyne. Retired in 1994 due to a stroke and would die in his sleep at 83.
Famous for: American dancer, actor, singer, film director, producer, and choreographer. A dominant force in Hollywood musical films from the mid-1940s until it fell out of fashion in the late 1950s. His many innovations transformed the Hollywood musical film and is almost single handedly credited with making ballet form commercially acceptable to audiences. Notable roles are Joseph Brady from Anchors Aweigh, D’Artagnan from The Three Musketeers (1948), Joe D. Ross from Summer Stock, Gabey from On the Town, Jerry Mulligan from An American in Paris, Don Lockwood from Singin’ in the Rain, Tommy Albright from Brigadoon, Ted Riley from It’s Always Fair Weather, E. K. Hornbeck from Inherit the Wind, Barry Nichols from Les Girls, and Danny McGuire from Xanadu.
Nominated for: He was only nominated for Best Actor in 1945 for Anchors Aweigh. Luckily he received an honorary Oscar for 1952.
Most Crushing Loss: The fact that Singin’ in the Rain managed to only be nominated for 2 Oscars and didn’t win either in 1952. This is one of the best musicals of all time and should at least set a record Academy Award nominations at the time. Not to mention, Kelly shouldn’t have been snubbed for Best Actor or Best Director with Stanley Donen. Also, the fact that Pittsburgh still won’t erect that fucking statue of him (c’mon, just do it already).
Reasons: Well, this might’ve been due to Kelly’s politics as well as that by the Red Scare he basically threatened MGM that he’d pull out from It’s Always Fair Weather if his wife Blair didn’t get the lead female role in Marty. At the time, she was under considerable pressure to withdraw from the American Legion because she was suspected as a Communist sympathizer. Still, 1950s film awards were the stuff of brutal competition. Not to mention, Kelly’s glory days were over by 1960.
Trivia: Stopped attending Mass when the Catholic Church sided with the Nationalists during the Spanish Civil War in 1939 (then again, the other side wasn’t much better). But he was said to have donated money to the IRA during the 1970s. Was a huge Pittsburgh Pirates fan (and had a childhood dream of playing shortstop for the team). Him and Blair held weekly parties with an intensely physical completion of charades they called, “The Game.” Part of the Committee for the First Amendment that protested during the House Committees on Un-American Activities hearings. The Pittsburgh Civic Light Opera has an award named after him.

17. Myrna Loy

Though best known as playing William Powell's wife in The Thin Man series and 8 other films, Myrna Loy was a highly popular actress in her own right during the 1930s that she was known as "The Queen of Hollywood." She was also John Dillinger's favorite actress. Yet, she also championed causes for military veterans and black actors, fought housing discrimination, and was the first Hollywood celebrity to become a member of UNESCO.

Though best known as playing William Powell’s wife in The Thin Man series and 8 other films, Myrna Loy was a highly popular actress in her own right during the 1930s that she was known as “The Queen of Hollywood.” She was also John Dillinger’s favorite actress. Yet, she also championed causes for military veterans and black actors, fought housing discrimination, and was the first Hollywood celebrity to become a member of UNESCO.

Personal Life: (1905-1993) Born Myrna Adele Williams in Helena, Montana. Father was banker, real estate developer, and youngest man ever elected to the Montana state legislature. Spent her childhood living between Montana and California and took up dancing lessons. Made her stage debut at Helena’s Operetta Theater at 12. Father died of Spanish flu, in 1918 and family moved to California permanently. Performed at Grauman’s Chinese Theater at 18. Was discovered by Rudolph Valentino when he was looking for a co-star in Cobra while both visited a photography studio. Made her first film in 1925. Married 4 times. Had 2 mastectomies for breast cancer in 1970s. Died from surgical complications at 88.
Famous for: American actor, once trained as a dancer devoted herself fully to an acting career following a few minor roles in silent films. Originally typecast in exotic roles, often as a vamp or a woman of Asian descent, but her career prospects improved greatly following her portrayal of Nora Charles in The Thin Man. Appeared with William Powell in 14 movies. Notable roles are Becky Sharp from Vanity Fair, Fah Lo See from The Mask of Fu Manchu,
Gertie Waxted from Penthouse, Eleanor from Manhattan Melodrama, Nora Charles from The Thin Man series, Linda from Wife vs. Secretary, Connie Allenbury from Libeled Lady, Milly Stephenson from The Best Years of Our Lives, Margaret from The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer, Kay Wilson from I Love You Again, Muriel Blandings from Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, Alice Tiflin from The Red Pony, Mrs. Lillian Gilbreth from Cheaper By the Dozen, Aunt Bea from Midnight Lace, Mrs. Devaney from Airport 1975, and Maureen Lawson from The End.
Nominated for: Loy was never nominated for an Oscar.
Most Crushing Loss: Not being nominated for Best Supporting Actress in 1946 for The Best Years of Our Lives. Yes, she’s not much of an overburdened wife on the receiving end of her husband’s PTSD yet she’s a wife whose husband can no longer relate to. It’s pretty crushing that she wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award despite all the work she did both on and off screen. It’s nice that she had celebrity friends who lobbied extensively for the Academy to give her an honorary Oscar, which she greatly deserved.
Reasons: Loy is probably one of the most surprisingly underrated Hollywood actresses ever and she was enormously popular in her lifetime even voted as the Queen of Hollywood by her fans in the 1930s while Clark Gable was voted King. Of course, she had a deceptively straightforward artistry that kept her from getting the types of flashy roles that usually netted nominations.
Trivia: Romantically linked to Spencer Tracy and Leslie Howard. Father sold a considerable amount of land to Charlie Chaplin where he constructed his studio. Posed for her high school sculpture in the Fountain of Education, which stood for decades which has been featured in Grease. Was John Dillinger’s favorite actress and was shot to death after seeing one of her films. Worked with the Red Cross during WWII and was so fiercely outspoken against Hitler her name appeared on his blacklist. Also helped run the Naval Auxiliary Canteen and toured to raise funds for the troops. Championed the rights of black actors and characters to be depicted with dignity on film. Was Co-Chairman of the Advisory Council of the National Committee Against Discrimination in Housing and the first Hollywood celebrity to become a member of UNESCO in 1948. Had a performing arts center in Helena, Montana named after her. Was a personal friend of Eleanor Roosevelt.

18. Greta Garbo

Greta Garbo was an international superstar in the 1920s and 1930s for her magnetic performances in sometimes mediocre films. But her 1942 retirement and lack of desire for Hollywood publicity have only enhanced her legendary mystique.

Greta Garbo was an international superstar in the 1920s and 1930s for her magnetic performances in sometimes mediocre films. But her 1942 retirement and lack of desire for Hollywood publicity have only enhanced her legendary mystique.

Personal Life: (1905-1990) Born Greta Lovisa Gustafsson in Stockholm, Sweden. Father was a laborer who worked as a street cleaner, grocer, factory worker and butcher’s assistant while her mother soon worked in a jam factory. Was a shy day dreamer as a child who hated school but was interested in theater at an early age. Grew up in the city’s working class district regarded as the municipal slum. Dropped out of school at 13 and never attended high school. Father became ill with Spanish flu in 1919 that resulted in him losing his job and died in 1920. Worked as a soap lather girl in a barbershop and ran errands in the millinery department at the PUB Department Store. Soon started modeling hats and became a fashion model for the store’s catalog. Later filmed commercials advertising the store’s women’s clothing. Studied at The Royal Dramatic Theatre’s Acting School in Stockholm and made her first film in 1924. Was discovered by Louis B. Mayer the next year. Retired in 1941 and spent the rest of her life as a recluse in which made no public appearances. Suffered from depression and moodiness as well as gastrointestinal and periodontal ailments. Became a US citizen in 1951. Was successfully treated for breast cancer in 1984. Died of pneumonia and renal failure at 84.
Famous for: Swedish American actress as well as international star and icon during Hollywood’s silent and classic film periods. Husky Swedish voice gave her an easy transition from silents to talkies. Appeared in 28 films. Notable roles are Elena from The Temptress, Felicitas from Flesh and the Devil, Marianne from The Divine Woman, Tania Fedorova from The Mysterious Lady, Anna Christie, Madame Rita Cavallini from Romance, Mata Hari, Grusinskaya from Grand Hotel, Queen Christina, Katrin Koerber Fane from The Painted Veil, Anna Karenina, Marguerite Gautier from Camille, Countess Marie Walewska from Conquest, Nina Ivanovna “Ninotchka” Yakushova from Ninotchka, and Karin Borg Blake from Two-Faced Woman.
Nominated for: Garbo was nominated 3 times for Best Actress consisting of 1930 for Anna Christie and Romance, 1936 for Camille, and 1939 for Ninotchka.
Most Crushing Loss: Losing to Luise Rainer during the 1936 Best Actress race, since Rainier was a white actress playing a Chinese woman. Garbo really should’ve won that year even if she did play a high class call girl slowly dying of tuberclerosis.
Reasons: Well, she didn’t have a long career and retired at 35 due to the failure of Two-Faced Woman. Not to mention, during her whole career, she signed no autographs, avoided industry social functions, answered no fan mail, refused permission to arrange publicity contracts with the studio, and never made any appearances at awards ceremonies, even when she was nominated. Rumored to be gay or bisexual (which is unproven though she did have lesbian friends and played Queen Christina). Not to mention, she was a 1930s sex symbol.
Trivia: Was unable to speak any English when she first arrived in Hollywood in 1925. Contrary to the conventional reclusive image, she had many friends with whom she socialized and traveled. Was an avid art collector who purchased paintings by Renoir, Rouault, Kandinsky, Bonnard, and Jawlensky which was worth millions when she died. Was a White House dinner guest in 1963. Wore large sunglasses in her later years and was known for taking long walks. Romantically linked to Louise Brooks, John Gilbert, Marlene Dietrich, Josephine Baker, and Mercedes de Acosta. Estate was worth $57,000,000 due to her wise investments in stocks and bonds. Highest paid actress at MGM during most of her career. Designated as the most beautiful woman who ever lived by Guinness Book of World Records.

19. Deborah Kerr

Though Scottish born, Deborah Kerr is best known for playing proper and sophisticated English ladies, particularly in period pieces. Yet, she occasionally played against type since she and Burt Lancaster did have a famous make out scene in From Here to Eternity.

Though Scottish born, Deborah Kerr is best known for playing proper and sophisticated English ladies, particularly in period pieces. Yet, she occasionally played against type since she and Burt Lancaster did have a famous make out scene in From Here to Eternity.

Personal Life: (1921-2007) Born Deborah Jane Kerr-Trimmer in Helensburgh, Scotland. Father was a WWI veteran captain who lost a leg during the Battle of the Somme and later became a naval architect and engineer. Trained as a ballet dancer and first appeared on stage in 1937. Trained in acting by her aunt who ran the Hicks-Smale Drama School in Bristol. Made her West End debut in 1943. Made her first film in 1940. Married twice and had 2 daughters with her first husband Anthony Bartley. Married to second husband Peter Viertel for 47 years (though they lived apart in later years so she could be closer to her children as her health began to deteriorate). Retired in 1986 possibly due to suffering Parkinson’s Disease that would later claim her life at 86.
Famous for: Scottish actress best known for being nominated 6 times for Oscars and never won. Specialized in playing high souled ladies of quality and one of Hollywood’s favorite redheads from the 1940s to 1960s. Made a lot of period films and starred in 4 movies with Robert Mitchum. Notable roles are Jenny Hill from Major Barbara, Edith Hunter/Barbara Wynne/Johnny Cannon from The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, Sister Clodagh from Black Narcissus, Kay Dorrance from The Hucksters, Evelyn Boult from Edward, My Son, Elizabeth Curtis from King Solomon’s Mines, Lygia from Quo Vadis, Princess Flavia from The Prisoner of Zenda, Catherine Parr from Young Bess, Portia from Julius Caesar, Karen Holmes from From Here to Eternity, Anna Leonowens from The King and I, Laura Reynolds from Tea and Sympathy, Sister Angela from Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison, Terry McKay from An Affair to Remember, Sibyl Railton-Bell from Separate Tables, Sarah Miles from The End of the Affair, Sheilah Graham from Beloved Infidel, Miss Giddens from The Innocents, Hannah Jelkes from Night of the Iguana, and Agent Mimi/Lady Fiona McTarry from Casino Royale.
Nominated for: Kerr was nominated for Best Actress 6 times consisting of 1949 for Edward, My Son, 1953 for From Here to Eternity, 1956 for The King and I, 1957 for Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison, 1958 for Separate Tables, and 1960 for The Sundowners.
Most Crushing Loss: Losing to Elizabeth Taylor in 1960 for Best Actress. I mean Taylor is a great actress but Butterfield 8 is one of her more forgettable films. Not to mention, even Taylor felt she only received the Oscar because she had to undergo a tracheotomy. Still, Kerr should’ve at least lost to Shirley MacLaine or Greer Garson. I’d also add losing to Ingrid Bergman in 1956 since Anastasia is perhaps one of the most historically inaccurate movies of all time and not nearly as memorable as The King and I or The Bad Seed or as controversial as Baby Doll.
Reasons: Kerr was simply burned by the competition most of the time she was nominated. And even if the best actress didn’t win, there was always one who was better than her. She also suffered from typecasting as a proper English woman or nun. Luckily she received an honorary Oscar for Lifetime Achievement.
Trivia: Recipient of the Sarah Siddons Award for Tea and Sympathy (so yes, the award Eve received in All About Eve is a real thing). Romantically linked to Burt Lancaster.

20. Peter Lorre

Despite never winning an Oscar in his lifetime and being mostly typecast in villain and supporting roles, Peter Lorre is perhaps one of the most iconic and better known actors ever mostly for being one of the creepiest movie stars ever. His bug eyes, cherub face, and Austrian accent were a favorite target of comedians and cartoonists who've basically immortalized him as a screen legend.

Despite never winning an Oscar in his lifetime and being mostly typecast in villain and supporting roles, Peter Lorre is perhaps one of the most iconic and better known actors ever mostly for being one of the creepiest movie stars ever. His bug eyes, cherub face, and Austrian accent were a favorite target of comedians and cartoonists who’ve basically immortalized him as a screen legend.

Personal Life: (1904-1964) Born László Löwenstein in the present day Slovakia town Ružomberok during the waning days of the Austrian Hungarian Empire. Father was a Jewish chief bookkeeper at a textile mill and served as a lieutenant in the Austrian army reserve. Mother died when he was 4, possibly of food poisoning. Father remarried his mom’s best friend to help raise his 4 motherless sons but he didn’t get along with his stepmother. Moved to Vienna in 1913 and father served on the eastern front during the winter of 1914-15 and was put in charge of a prison camp. Started acting on stage at after a stint as a bank clerk performing in Vienna, Poland, and Zurich. Career took off when he caught the eye of Bertolt Brecht and moved to Berlin in the late 1920s. Yet, he was forced to flee in 1933 due to the rise of Nazism and his Jewish heritage. First went to Paris and then London but eventually settled in London with a contract from Columbia Pictures. Moved to Warner Brothers in 1941 when he became a US citizen and legally changed his name. Married 3 times and had a daughter Catherine to Anne Marie Brenning. She would make headlines in 1977, in which a noted serial killer confessed to stop her with an intent to kidnap and murder her but let her go when they realized who she was. Suffered from a chronic gall bladder infection for years which led to a morphine addiction, which he successfully overcame but didn’t fully recover. Later in his career he would gain 100lbs. Died of a stroke at 59.
Famous for: Hungarian-American actor who became an international sensation in the Fritz Lang film M where plays a serial killer who targets little girls. Yet, he’d soon find himself in enforced exile and have to learn English for Hitchcock’s first filming of The Man Who Knew Too Much. Once in Hollywood, he’d be a featured player in movies ranging from crime, mystery, film noir, and horror since he was one of the creepiest men ever. Yet, he’d also appear in a Disney movie and do an occasional comedy. Frequently typecast as a sinister foreigner, his post war career was erratic. Notable roles are Hans Beckert from M, Abbott from The Man Who Knew Too Much, Dr. Gogol from Mad Love, Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment, The General from Secret Agent, Col. Glimpy from Crack-Up, Mr. Moto from the Mr. Moto series, Joel Cairo from The Maltese Falcon, Ugarte from Casablanca, Victor Emmeric from The Verdict, Dr. Karl Roth from The Lost One, and Conseil from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
Nominated for: Lorre was never nominated for an Oscar.
Most Crushing Loss: Not getting at least a nomination for Best Supporting Actor in 1941 for The Maltese Falcon.
Reasons: For one, the Hollywood establishment simply not interested in giving film prizes for foreign film performances. Not to mention, Lorre’s friendship with blacklisted playwright Bertolt Brecht didn’t help either and actually got him kicked out of Warner Brothers. This put his career on the decline and declare personal bankruptcy in 1949.
Trivia: Was a supporter of the Committee for the First Amendment during the Red Scare. Played a James Bond villain on television. Was referred to as “the World’s Greatest Actor,” by Charlie Chaplin and got along famously with Hitchcock. Vincent Price did the eulogy at his funeral. Tried to help many of his Jewish friends get out of Europe and was an ardent anti-Nazi. Refused to entertain in a hospital during WWII, opting to sit with the troops and listen to their stories instead. Reputed to have said at Bela Lugosi’s funeral, “Do you think we should drive a stake through his heart just in case?”

Movie Stars Who Have Never Won an Oscar: Part 1 – Peter O’Toole to Lauren Bacall

Richard Burton and Peter O'Toole in the 1964 Becket which pertains that the relationship Henry II shared with his friend Thomas Becket as having a gay subtext. Also it's costume design would be the equivalent of a Revolutionary War picture in which the Founding Fathers are dressed in 20th century business suits. Still, O'Toole and Burton: Drinking buddies with a combined total of 15 Oscar nominations but not a single win.

Richard Burton and Peter O’Toole in the 1964 Becket which pertains that the relationship King Henry II shared with his friend and eventual martyred Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas Becket as having a gay subtext. Also it’s costume design would be the equivalent of a Revolutionary War picture in which the Founding Fathers are dressed in 20th century business suits. Still, O’Toole and Burton: Drinking buddies with a combined total of 15 Oscar nominations but not a single win.

Sure this 20 part series may be a vanity project that I’ve been working on since January. Yet, I did this series just to make a point as to how many actors in Hollywood and around the world don’t win competitive Oscars in their lifetime. We all know that winning one is every actor’s dream, especially with a role of a lifetime. Sure many of them are famous and talented stars we know and love while some are distinguished character actors we may or may not recognize unless we look them up. However, despite all the glitz and glamor associated with winning an Oscar, it may as come as a surprise that most actors don’t win Oscars during their career. Of course, this isn’t a surprise since most actors aren’t the big movie stars you hear in the magazines and newspapers anyway. In fact, most players in Hollywood usually are extras, bit players, or have supporting roles. Stars usually consist of the top 10% of Tinseltown anyway. Not to mention, a lot of your movie stars have unpredictable and sometimes brief careers, especially actresses hired for their looks in action movies. Let’s face it, you’re more likely to see Jennifer Lawrence doing movies well into her 80s than Kristen Stewart ever giving an Academy Award winning performance. And even if you are a movie star, your chances of making the Oscar speech are slim since most of them don’t even get nominated in the first place. And if they receive a nomination, they aren’t likely to be nominated again. Now my series on those who never won Oscars consist of 200 on the list with many legendary names in their own right and even they may consist of a small sample. And by Oscar, I mean a competitive Oscar usually from the 4 acting categories of Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress. However, this series doesn’t include movie stars who are:

1. Still alive and still working. This is the main reason why actors like Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Alan Rickman, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, and Glenn Close aren’t on the list since they still have chance (albeit a very small one, but still). This is a list of people who haven’t won an Oscar and won’t win one in the future since they aren’t making movies anymore. Most of these people featured are from the Golden Age of Hollywood for this very reason.
2. Who have won competitive Oscars in other categories like Warren Beatty for directing Reds, Richard Attenborough for directing Gandhi, Orson Welles for co-writing Citizen Kane, and Charlie Chaplin for his Limelight score in the 1970s.
3. Anyone mostly active during the Silent Era before 1927-1928 Oscars mostly because the Academy Awards weren’t around at the time and many of their careers ended once sound became a mainstay in the movies. This explains why actors like Rudolph Valentino aren’t on the list (though he was dead by then). John Barrymore, Conrad Veidt, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., and Lillian Gish get in since they’ve made sound films.
4. Famous people who achieved acclaim in a very different line of work like Harry Belafonte best known as a Calypso singer and Richard Pryor, Eddie Cantor, Jerry Lewis, and Bob Hope are better recognized as comedians. Dean Martin doesn’t get in because he’s better recognized as a singer.
5. Also more recognizable as TV stars like Lucille Ball, Robert Young, Peter Falk or Andy Griffith. Fred MacMurray, Richard Griffiths, William Demarest, and James Garner get in since their film roles are just as equally significant and will be known better for younger audiences as movie stars anyway.
6. Actors known mostly as child stars, explaining why Freddie Bartholomew, Shirley Temple, and Margaret O’Brien don’t get in. After all, child actors normally don’t win Oscars anyway. Yet, Mickey Rooney and Natalie Wood get in since they acted in films as adults.

Now this selection pertains to some of the better known names in movie history almost anyone is sure to recognize. First, you have the famous Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton who both received the most Oscar nominations without a single win. Next, you have the suave and gentlemanly Cary Grant best known for his screwball romantic comedies, debonair looks and fashion sense, and performances in Hitchcock movies. Then we have movie tough guys like Robert Mitchum, Steve McQueen, and Edward G. Robinson known for playing crooks, gangsters, and action heroes that pushed these men to iconic status. Next, there’s Judy Garland who sang the Academy Award winning song, “Over the Rainbow” as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz but never nabbed a competitive statuette herself though her character Vicki Lester did in-universe in A Star Is Born. Then you have Brooklyn accented Barbara Stanwyck who basically did anything during her 60 year career after spending a childhood as an orphan from the streets of New York City. Finally, you have Ava Gardner and Lauren Bacall best known for being sensual beauties as well as being married to famous men like Mickey Rooney, Frank Sinatra, Humphrey Bogart, and Jason Robards Jr. So without further adieu, here are the first 10 actors in my first installment of stars who’ve never won an Oscar.

1. Peter O’Toole

Peter O'Toole was best known for playing the eccentric WWI officer T. E. Lawrence in David Lean's 1962 epic Lawrence of Arabia. Of course, he had the terrible tendency of getting nominated for Oscars in years where another actor gave a performance that would quickly overshadow his.

Peter O’Toole was best known for playing the eccentric WWI officer T. E. Lawrence in David Lean’s 1962 epic Lawrence of Arabia. Of course, he had the terrible tendency of getting nominated for Oscars in years where another actor gave a performance that would quickly overshadow his.

Personal Life: (1932-2013) may have been born in Conemara, Ireland or Leeds, England (though he resided in Conemara as an adult and had his ashes spread there). Worked as a journalist, photographer, and signaler for the Royal Navy. Mother was a Scottish nurse while father was a metal plater, soccer player, and racecourse bookmaker. Started acting at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art and as a Shakespearean actor for the Bristol Old Vic before debuting in 1959. Married to Sian Philips from 1959-1979 with which he had 2 daughters. Also had a son with longtime girlfriend and model Kate Brown. Had a reputation for hard drinking and partying that it caused him all sorts of health problems it nearly killed him in the 1970s. Yet, he only quit drinking for good when he was 75. Retired in 2012. Died at 81.
Famous for: Anglo-Irish actor best known for holding the record of the most Academy Award nominations without a single win. Notable roles include T. E. Lawrence from Lawrence of Arabia, Henry II from Becket and The Lion in Winter, Lord Jim, Mr. Chips from Goodbye Mr. Chips, Lord Jack Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney from The Ruling Class, Miguel Cervantes/Don Quixote from Man of la Mancha, Eli Cross from The Stunt Man, Alan Swann from My Favorite Year, Reginald Johnston from The Last Emperor, and Maurice from Venus.
Nominated for: Had 8 Oscar nominations without winning a single one all for Best Actor: 1962 for Lawrence of Arabia, 1964 for Becket, 1968 for The Lion in Winter, 1969 for Goodbye, Mr. Chips, 1972 for The Ruling Class, 1982 for My Favorite Year, and 2006 for Venus.
Most Crushing Loss: I would have to say either 1968 or 1969 would be the years he was robbed the most. Sure the other times were bad, too, but at least to guys who at least deserved to win like Gregory Peck, Rex Harrison, Marlon Brando, Ben Kingsley, and Forrest Whittaker. Of course, Cliff Roberson was great in the Flowers for Algernon adaptation Charly but I couldn’t say that it was better than O’Toole’s Henry II in The Lion in Winter (a movie robbed for Best Picture by Oliver!, bastards. Then again, the Academy awarded an Oscar for Tom Hanks for Forrest Gump, so that loss isn’t surprising). And while the 1960s version of Goodbye, Mr. Chips isn’t nearly as good as the 1939 original but surely O’Toole should’ve at least lost to a better actor than the eternally talentless and overrated John Wayne.
Reasons: Most likely being burned by the competition. Whenever O’Toole got nominated for an Oscar, he was usually against some other actor playing a role of a lifetime whether it be Gregory Peck, Marlon Brando, Ben Kingsley, or Forrest Whitaker. Of course, since he kept getting nominated, the Academy just reasoned that O’Toole would probably get his chance someday until they got smart and awarded him an Honorary Oscar in the 1990s so even if he didn’t win a competitive one, he’d at least get the statuette he deserved.
Trivia: Helped write the modern version of the Irish folk song “Carrickfergus” with Dominic Behan and wore green socks for good luck (which didn’t help him at the Oscars though, yet with all the health issues and bad habits he’s had it’s a wonder he lived to 81). Said he could quote all of Shakespeare’s 154 sonnets, which he read daily. Has had an award named after him at the Old Vic, where he got his start. Wrote 2 memoirs.

2. Richard Burton

Though Richard Burton was a Welsh coal miner's son who managed to become a classically trained Shakespearean actor with 7 Oscar nominations without a win, most people remember him for his dysfunctional 2 marriages to Elizabeth Taylor and his legendary alcoholism.

Though Richard Burton was a Welsh coal miner’s son who managed to become a classically trained Shakespearean actor with 7 Oscar nominations without a win, most people remember him for his dysfunctional 2 marriages to Elizabeth Taylor and his legendary alcoholism.

Personal Life: (1925-1984) born in Wales as Richard Jenkins and the 12th of 13 children in a Welsh-speaking coal miner’s household. Absentee father was a gambler and drunk who’d often go on sprees for weeks and wouldn’t acknowledge his famous son’s talents, achievements, and acclaim. Unsurprisingly, he was raised by his sister Ceilia after his mom died giving birth to his younger brother Graham at the age of 43 when he was less than 2 years old. Earned pocket money by running messages, hauling horse manure, and delivering newspapers. Earned a prize as a boy soprano as well as served in the RAF during the mid to late 1940s but couldn’t be a pilot due to his poor eyesight. Started smoking at 8 and drinking at 12. Took the name of Burton after his favorite teacher, Air Training Corps commander, and father figure who encouraged him to pursue an acting career. Married 5 times but his best known part about his love life are his 2 turbulent marriages to Elizabeth Taylor (who considered him among the 3 loves of her life along with Mike Todd and jewelry. Yet, her deepest wish was to see him win the Oscar he deserved.) Had 4 daughters consisting of the biological 2 he had with first wife actress/producer Sybil Williams, a stepdaughter he legally adopted (who was Taylor’s by Mike Todd), and a girl he and Taylor adopted from Germany. He’s also best known for his chronic alcoholism, chain smoking, causing a lot of controversy in the British press, moving to Switzerland as a tax exile, lifelong socialism, and experiencing all kinds of health problems before a cerebral hemorrhage took his life at 58 (which might’ve been genetic since his dad died from the same thing in 1957).
Famous for: Welsh actor known for his mellifluous baritone voice and great acting talent that he was called “the natural successor to Olivier” after establishing himself as a formidable Shakespearean actor in the 1950s that included a memorable performance of Hamlet. Was one of the top box office stars and highest paid actors in the mid to late 1960s receiving fees of $1 million or more as well as a share of the gross receipts. Yet, his legendary alcoholism was his undoing since he failed to live up to such high expectations that he disappointed his colleagues and critics which fueled his reputation as a thespian wastrel. Also known for having 7 Academy Award nominations without a single win making him a runner-up to Peter O’Toole’s record. Notable roles are Philip Ashley from My Cousin Rachel, Marcellus Gallio from The Robe, Alexander the Great, Mark Antony from Cleopatra, Archbishop Thomas Becket from Becket, Rev. Dr. T. Lawrence Shannon from The Night of the Iguana, Hamlet, George from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Alec Leamas from The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, Petruchio from The Taming of the Shrew, Doctor Faustus, Major John Smith in Where Eagles Dare, King Henry VIII from Anne of the Thousand Days, Martin Dysart from Equus, and O’Brien from Nineteen Eighty-Four.
Nominated for: Had 7 Oscar nominations without winning a single one with the first one for Best Supporting Actor and Best Actor for the other 6: 1952 for My Cousin Rachel, 1953 for The Robe, 1964 for Becket, 1965 for The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, 1966 for Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, 1969 for Anne of the Thousand Days, and 1977 for Equus.
Most Crushing Loss: I’d have to say 1969 would’ve been his most upsetting loss Oscar wise. Sure the other years weren’t much better but at least he’s lost to guys like theater veterans Rex Harrison and Paul Scofield who were perfect for their parts as well as legends like Anthony Quinn, William Holden, Lee Marvin, and Richard Dreyfuss. He was a way better actor than the extremely overrated John Wayne and thus, should’ve either won or at least lost to Jon Voight, Dustin Hoffman, or Peter O’Toole.
Reasons: Like Peter O’Toole, he was also burned by the competition with a rival nominee having a role of a lifetime whenever he got nominated. And he got nominated so much that the Academy thought he might get his chance someday. Yet, he never did nor did he live long enough to receive an honorary Oscar either. Another factor might’ve been his alcoholism (but probably not his scandalous marriages to Elizabeth Taylor since she won an Academy Award during their time together).
Trivia: Had an excellent singing voice and won a Tony for Camelot in 1961. Said in an interview that he experimented with homosexuality as well as got into a sonnet quoting contest with Robert F. Kennedy. Kept a diary from the time he was 14, wrote memoir about Christmas during his childhood as well as occasional magazine articles. Buried in a red suit as a tribute to his Welsh roots and a copy of Dylan Thomas poems. Though he and Taylor discussed being buried together, his widow purchased the plot next to him and erected a large headstone across both before Taylor had the chance.

3. Cary Grant

Cary Grant's rise from an impoverished childhood in Bristol to one of Hollywood's most iconic leading men is no less impressive. Yet, his life was marred by inner demons, failed marriages, mood swings and tripping on LSD, which he thought was awesome.

Cary Grant’s rise from an impoverished childhood in Bristol to one of Hollywood’s most iconic leading men is no less impressive. Yet, his life was marred by inner demons, failed marriages, mood swings and tripping on LSD, which he thought was awesome. Still, his story bears a lot of similarities to The Great Gatsby.

Personal Life: (1904-1986) Born Archibald Alexander Leach in Bristol, England. Father was a pants presser in a factory but was often absentee as well as a philanderer and alcoholic. Mother was clinically depressed since the death of a previous child and didn’t show much love for him. At 9, dad placed his mom in a mental institution and lied to his son that was on a “long holiday” and later that she died (but Cary wouldn’t find out the truth until he was 31 but he reconnected with her). At 10, dad shacked up with his girlfriend and basically abandoned him. Expelled from school at 14 and joined a theater troupe he once worked with while he was 6. Immigrated to the United States in the early 1920s while in his mid teens. Spent the 1920s working the vaudeville and Broadway circuit as a stilt walker, acrobat, juggler, and mime before signing onto Hollywood as Cary Grant in 1931. Legally changed his name to Cary Grant once he became a US citizen in 1942. Married 5 times though there were rumors about him being bisexual (especially while he was living with Randolph Scott). Had a lot of demons in his life (which isn’t unusual for someone who had a very unhappy and lonely childhood as well as grew up poor). Retired from filmmaking after having a daughter Jennifer Grant with Dyan Cannon. Died of a stroke in Iowa.
Famous for: British and American actor known for his transatlantic accent, debonair demeanor, and dashing good looks who’s considered one of Hollywood’s biggest stars and was said to be the Greatest Male Star of All Time after Humphrey Bogart. Considered one of Hollywood’s definitive leading men as a leading box office attraction for nearly 30 years as well as acting in 72 films. Notable roles are Jerry Warrier from The Awful Truth, Dr. David Huxley from Bringing Up Baby, Johnny Case from Holiday, Sgt. Cutter from Gunga Din, Walter Burns from His Girl Friday, C. K. Dexter Haven from The Philadelphia Story, Mortimer Brewster from Arsenic and Old Lace, Johnnie Aysgarth from Suspicion, Roger Adams from Penny Serenade, T. R. Devlin from Notorious, Ernie Mott from None But the Lonely Heart, the angel Dudley from The Bishop’s Wife, Capt. Rochard from I Was a Male War Bride, John Robie from To Catch a Thief, Roger Thornhill from North By Northwest, Nickie Ferrante from An Affair to Remember, Phillip Adams from Indiscreet, and the Spy from Charade as well as others. His range spanned from screwball and romantic comedies to drama and thrillers.
Nominated for: Despite his appeal, popularity, and fame that he was able to go independent, he was only nominated twice and both times for Best Actor: 1941 for Penny Serenade and 1944 for None But the Lonely Heart.
Most Crushing Loss: Oscar wise, I’d have to say 1944 would be the most crushing for him since he lost to Bing Crosby who I didn’t really think deserved it (though I’m not familiar with his work). Even if Grant didn’t win, he should’ve at least lost to Charles Boyer (who was phenomenal in Gaslight and should’ve won that year anyway). At least Grant lost to Gary Cooper in 1941. Still, what I think is more of a crushing loss to Grant is that he made all these great movies during his long career, he was continually passed over for film industry and critics awards. Being snubbed for his 4 Hitchcock movies were probably the most crushing at all. At least he got an honorary Oscar in 1970 for his career which he certainly deserved. Also received Kennedy Center Honors in 1981.
Reasons: Well, you can argue that Grant was constantly passed over for awards mostly since he made a lot of comedies (screwball, romantic, and otherwise). His relationships with Randolph Scott as well as some of his troubled marriages and personal life might’ve been a factor as well.
Trivia: Was introduced to LSD therapy by his third wife Betsy Drake and was one of the first major celebrities to espouse the virtues of psychedelic drugs. Until California abolished it in 1966, he had booked 100 sessions for himself, tried to get as many Hollywood friends on it as he possibly could, and basically talked about it glowingly with Good Housekeeping and Time magazine (basically saying to millions of housewives that getting high was awesome). All this before the Beatles, Timothy Leary, and Frank Zappa. Had a onetime infatuation for Sophia Loren but she turned him down (since she’d been in love with Carlo Ponti since she was 15). Served on the boards of Fabrege, Hollywood Park, Western Airlines, the Academy of Magical Arts, and MGM. Owned many classic cars many of which were Cadillacs. Went on lecture tours across the US, making 36 public appearances between 1982-1986 and was on one of them when he died. May have thought he was Jewish and donated to Jewish causes but probably wasn’t. Yet, despite leaning Republican in his political views, condemned McCarthyism when his friend Charlie Chaplin was blacklisted (saying his artistic value outweighed political concerns, yet the fact they were friends isn’t too surprising since they’re both from similar backgrounds), befriended the Kennedys and the Mankiewicz family, and supported gun control after RFK’s assassination. Turned down a lot of roles that eventually went to Gregory Peck.

4. Robert Mitchum

Robert Mitchum was one of the most iconic film noir stars who played wide range of characters from supportive father figures, indifferent drifters, doomed anti-heroes, and outright villains. His performance as the Rev. Harry Powell is perhaps one of the most iconic as well as chilling.

Robert Mitchum was one of the most iconic film noir stars who played wide range of characters from supportive father figures, indifferent drifters, doomed anti-heroes, and incredibly sadistic villains. His performance as the Rev. Harry Powell is perhaps one of the most iconic as well as doomed to keep the lights on at night.

Personal Life: (1917-1997) born into a Methodist Bridgeport, Connecticut family as the second of 3 children to a shipyard and railroad worker and a Norwegian immigrant and sea captain’s daughter. Father was crushed to death in a railyard accident when he was less than 2 years old. Mother quickly married a former Royal Navy officer just out of economic necessity and had a daughter named Carol as well as worked as linotype operator for the Bridgeport Post. Brother and sister were also in showbiz while it was his sister who talked him into acting. His reputation as a prankster often involved in mischief and fights led to him being sent to his grandparents in Delaware at 12, expelled from middle school for scuffling with the principal, sent to live with his sister in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen at 13, and expelled from high school at 14. After dropping out, he became a train hopping hobo taking odd jobs like ditch digging for the Civilian Conservation Corps and professional boxing. Was arrested for vagrancy in Savannah, Georgia for vagrancy and was put on a chain gang before escaping to Delaware to nurse the injured leg he nearly lost and joining his sister in Long Beach, California. There, he worked as an operator for Lockheed Aircraft, a ghostwriter for an astrologer, and wrote song lyrics and monologues for his sister’s nightclub performances. Began acting in theater and started out in Hollywood as an extra before working his way up to B-Westerns and supporting roles before his big break in Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo. Yet, he had to take 8 months off from filmmaking due to being drafted in the army in 1946. Married to Dorothy Spence for 57 years and had 3 children named James, Christopher, and Petrine. Said to have numerous affairs. Sons had show biz careers as well. Was a heavy lifelong smoker as well as heavy drinker and died 5 weeks shy of his 80th birthday from lung cancer and emphysema complications.
Famous for: American actor who rose to prominence for his starring roles in several major film noir works and considered a forerunner to anti-heroes in film during the 1950s and 1960s. However, he also played a lot other character types to from indifferent to jaded drifters and supportive father figures to truly sadistic villains. Acted in over 110 films and TV series. Notable roles are Bobby Gray from Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo, Lt. Walker from The Story of G. I. Joe, Keeley from Crossfire, Jeff Bailey from Out of the Past, Max Calder in The River of No Return, the Rev. Harry Powell from The Night of the Hunter, Cpl. Allison USMC from Heaven Knows Mr. Allison, Lucas Doolin from Thunder Road, Paddy Camody from The Sundowners, Max Cady from Cape Fear, and Charles Shaughnessy from Ryan’s Daughter.
Nominated for: Despite his long career of appearing in over 110 films, he was only nominated for Best Supporting Actor in 1945 for The Story of G. I. Joe.
Most Crushing Loss: Actually his Oscar loss in 1945 isn’t the worst for at least received some recognition for his role and it was early in his career. Not to mention, he lost to James Dunn who played the alcoholic dad in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn which isn’t bad either. However, what does more injustice to Mitchum is that he should’ve at least received an Oscar nomination for his roles in The Night of the Hunter and Cape Fear.
Reasons: Despite his popularity and natural acting talent, Mitchum was a loveable bad boy both on and off screen which might’ve been fine by today’s standards. Yet, back in the 1940s and 1950s, his reputation as a loveable scamp didn’t sit well with much of the Hollywood establishment. Though he was certainly a serious actor, he often pretended he wasn’t as well as said he only took some roles for the money. Also said to have spent 50 days in jail for marijuana possession. Nevertheless, he didn’t really many film awards until later in life and mostly for life achievement. Still, he’s one of the greats.
Trivia: Had a sideline career in music both as a singer and songwriter. Used his own singing voice whenever his characters sang in films. Wrote and recorded the theme song to Thunder Road which topped at No. 69 on the Billboard Singles Chart. Also recorded a Calpyso album as well as a country one. He even composed an oratorio produced by Orson Welles at the Hollywood Bowl. Provided the voice for American Beef commercials that touted, “Beef…it’s what’s for dinner from 1992 until his death. His son James played his brother in Thunder Road, a part which was said written for Elvis Presley. Helped Charles Laughton direct The Night of the Hunter since Mitchum had 3 kids and Laughton had none.

5. Barbara Stanwyck

Though starting as an orphaned impoverished girl on the streets of Brooklyn, Barbara Stanwyck was known for her versatility and professionalism that she was well loved by directors like Frank Capra, Fritz Lang, and Cecil B. DeMille. Her roles range from romantic comedy leads to the evil blonde lady from Double Indemnity.

Though starting as an orphaned impoverished girl on the streets of Brooklyn, Barbara Stanwyck was known for her versatility and professionalism that she was well loved by directors like Frank Capra, Fritz Lang, and Cecil B. DeMille. Her roles range from romantic comedy leads to the evil blonde lady from Double Indemnity.

Personal Life: (1907-1990) Born Ruby Catherine Stevens in Brooklyn, New York City. Parents were working class. At 4, her mother died from miscarriage complications after a drunk stranger accidentally knocked her off a moving streetcar. Two weeks after her mom’s funeral, alcoholic and womanizing father joined a work crew digging the Panama Canal and was never seen again basically leaving parental responsibilities to her 9 year old sister. When Mildred became a showgirl, she and her brother were placed in a series of foster homes which she often ran away from. At 14, she dropped out of school and wrapped packages at a Brooklyn department store as well as filled cards for a telephone company for $14 a week. Was fired from a job cutting dress patterns from Vogue magazine and would soon be a typist for the Jerome H. Remick Music Company. Despite her sister’s chagrin, she pursued her showbiz career joining the Ziegfeld Follies at 16. Debuted on Broadway in 1926 which was when she adopted “Barbara Stanwyck” as a stage name. Made her first film in 1927. Married twice with her second marriage to Robert Taylor. Adopted a son with her first husband Frank Fay. Was robbed and assaulted at her Beverly Hills home in 1981. Was a smoker from the age of 9 until 4 years before her death. Died of congestive heart failure and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease at 82.
Famous for: American actress known for her 60 year career as a consummate and versatile professional with a strong, realistic screen presence and a favorite of directors Cecil B. DeMille, Frank Capra, and Fritz Lang. Made 85 films in 38 years before turning to television. Notable roles are Lora Hart from Night Nurse, Selina Peake De Jong from So Big!, Megan from The Bitter Tea of General Yen, Lily from Baby Face, Annie Oakley, Lady Lee from The Gambling Lady, Stella Dallas, Mollie Monahan from Union Pacific, Lorna Moon from Golden Boy, Lee Leander from Remember the Night, Jean from The Lady Eve, Ann Mitchell from Meet John Doe, Sugarpuss O’Shea from Ball of Fire, Hannah Sempler Hoyt from The Great Man’s Lady, Deborah Hoople, aka Dixie Daisy from Lady of Burlesque, Phyllis Dietrichson from Double Indemnity, Elizabeth Lane from Christmas in Connecticut, Martha Ivers from The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, Sally Morton Carroll from The Two Mrs. Carrolls, Sandra Marshall from Cry Wolf, Leona Stevenson from Sorry, Wrong Number, Jessie Bourne from East Side, West Side, Julia Sturges from Titanic, Sierra Nevada Jones from Cattle Queen of Montana, Helen Stilwin from Jeopardy, Gwen Moore from Escape to Burma, and Irene Trent from The Night Walker.
Nominated for: Stanwyck was nominated for Best Actress 4 times consisting of in 1937 for Stella Dallas, 1941 for Ball of Fire, 1944 for Double Indemnity, and in 1948 for Sorry, Wrong Number.
Most Crushing Loss: Losing the Best Actress prize to Luise Rainer in 1937 for she was playing a Chinese woman (which is kind of offensive to Asians, no offense). Stanwyck should’ve at least lost to Greta Garbo. Ingrid Bergman and Joan Fontaine were much more worthy competition.
Reasons: Stanwyck might’ve been popular among the public and very well liked in Hollywood, but she was burned out by the competition every time. Didn’t help that she was nominated what the Hollywood prestige would view as inferior films. At least she received an honorary Oscar for her career.
Trivia: Was romantically linked to Robert Wagner, Farley Granger, and Henry Fonda. Best known in her later career as Victoria Barkley from The Big Valley and Mary Carson from The Thorn Birds. Was an Ayn Rand fan who persuaded Warner Brothers to buy the rights for The Fountainhead and admired Atlas Shrugged. Often called, “The Best Actress Who Never Won an Oscar.” Stage name was inspired by a theatrical poster that read “Jane Stanwyck in ‘Barbara Frietchie.'”. Was the highest paid woman in 1944 according to the US government. Made 3 to 4 films a year at one point in her career. Marriage to Frank Fay may have been the inspiration for A Star Is Born (and yes, he did become an unemployed drunk).

6. Steve McQueen

Steve McQueen was called, "The King of Cool" and one of the biggest box office draws for his generation. His persona struck a cord with the counterculture of the Vietnam War era even though his movies tend to be quite violent.

Steve McQueen was called, “The King of Cool” and one of the biggest box office draws for his generation. His persona struck a cord with the counterculture of the Vietnam War era even though his movies tend to be quite violent.

Personal Life: (1930-1980) born in Beech Grove, Indiana. Father was a stunt pilot for a barnstorming flying circus who abandoned his mom 6 months after meeting her. Mom was said to be an alcoholic prostitute and was raised by his maternal grandparents and uncle (who was like a father to him) at his uncle’s Missouri farm and from 8-14 he’d live between that and his mother’s home whether it be in Indianapolis or Los Angeles. Ran away from home at 9 to escape an abusive stepfather and committed acts of petty crime with a street gang. After leaving his uncle’s farm a final time at 14, he ran away with the circus before joining his mom and second abusive stepfather in California, resuming his life as a petty crook. Was caught by police for stealing hubcaps who handed him over to his stepfather which ended him thrown down the stairs. McQueen threatened to kill him. Spent 2 years at a juvenile detention center at Chino where he finally shaped up. At 16, he joined his mom at Greenwich Village. Worked as a sailor, towel boy for a brothel, oil rigger, carnival trinket salesman, and lumberjack. Joined the Marines in 1947 and though he was demoted 7 times and put on a brig for 41 days, he embraced the discipline, saved 5 of his fellow Marines during an exercise, and assigned to guard Harry S. Truman’s yacht. All before his honorable discharge in 1950 and drifted into acting school thanks to the G. I. Bill. Was dyslexic and partially deaf since childhood. Married 3 times with Ali McGraw being his second wife. Had 2 children with his first wife Nelie Adams. Was known for his prolific drug use and was said to carry a handgun at all times after the Charles Manson murders of Sharon Tate and Jay Sebring. Died of malignant pleural mesothelioma at 50 while undergoing some kind of alternative treatment in Mexico.
Famous for: American actor called, “the King of Cool” for his antihero persona developed at the height of Vietnam War Era counterculture, making him a box office draw for the 1960s and 1970s. Became the highest paid movie star in the world in 1974. Known for being combative with directors and producers with directors and producers but his popularity placed him in high demand and able to command such high salaries. Notable roles are Steve Andrews from The Blob, Vin Tanner from The Magnificent Seven, Capt. Virgil Hilts “The Cooler King” from The Great Escape, The Cincinnati Kid, Nevada Smith, Jake Holman from The Sand Pebbles, Thomas Crown from the Thomas Crown Affair, Lt. Frank Bullitt from Bullitt, Doc McCoy from The Getaway, Henri ‘Papillon’ Charriere from Papillon, and Chief Mike O’Hallorhan from The Towering Inferno.
Nominated for: Only had one nomination for Best Actor in 1966 for The Sand Pebbles.
Most Crushing Loss: Well, he was never going to beat Paul Scofield in 1966. However, with a career like his, he should’ve received at least a Life Achievement Award, but he died too young.
Reasons: McQueen was more of an action star and acted in movies that usually didn’t get Oscar consideration. Also was known as combative with producers and directors.
Trivia: Had an unusual reputation for demanding free items in bulk from studios when agreeing to do a film such as electric razors, jeans, and other items. It was later found out that McQueen donated these items to the Boys Republic Reformatory School where he spent his teen years. He’d even make occasional visits there to play pool with the students and speak about his experiences. Was an avid motor and race car enthusiasts as well as enjoyed dirt bikes and flying. Had a daily 2 hour exercise regimen. Performed many stunts in his own films. Was good friends with James Garner. As of 2007, he’s among one of the top earning dead celebrities.

7. Edward G. Robinson

Though his looks and short stature prevented him from becoming a romantic leading man, Edward G. Robinson achieved Hollywood greatness playing 1930s gangsters from Warner Bros. Yet, despite his onscreen persona and imitable New York accent, he was a sensitive soft spoken man who spoke 7 languages, collected fine art, and hated guns. Yet, when he's Little Caesar, he's best known for, "Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?" not, "Pizza, Pizza."

Though his looks and short stature prevented him from becoming a romantic leading man, Edward G. Robinson achieved Hollywood greatness playing 1930s gangsters from Warner Bros. Yet, despite his onscreen persona and imitable New York accent, he was a sensitive soft spoken man who spoke 7 languages, collected fine art, and hated guns. Yet, when he’s Little Caesar, he’s best known for, “Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?” not, “Pizza, Pizza.”

Personal Life: (1893-1973) Born Emanuel Goldenberg in Bucharest, Romania to a Yiddish speaking Jewish family. Father was a builder. Family decided to immigrate to the US after his brother was attacked by an anti-semitic mob and arrived to America at 9 on Valentine’s Day, 1903. Grew up in New York City. Attended the American Academy for Dramatic Arts on a scholarship and made his Broadway debut in 1915. Married twice and had a son to Gladys Lloyd named Edward G. Robinson Jr. who was an actor and playboy as well as adopted her daughter. Died of bladder cancer at 79.
Famous for: Romanian-American actor who was a popular star during Hollywood’s Golden Age and best remembered for playing gangsters in the 1930s for Warner Brothers. Made 101 films in his 50 year career. Notable roles are Caesar Enrico “Rico” Bandello, Turou from Confessions of a Nazi Spy, Paul Ehrlich from Dr. Ehrlich’s Magic Bullet, Paul Julius Reuter from A Dispatch from Reuter’s, Johnny Rocco from Key Largo, Dathan from The Ten Commandments, Barton Keyes from Double Indemnity, Joe Keller from All My Sons, Martinius Jacobson from Our Vines Have Tender Grapes, and Sol Roth from Soylent Green as well as numerous roles as gangsters.
Nominated for: Robinson was never nominated for an Oscar, though he received an honorary Oscar 2 months after his death, which he certainly deserved.
Most Crushing Loss: Never being nominated for an Oscar, especially for Little Caesar in 1931.
Reasons: Well, depends on the times. If it’s before WWII, it was because he worked at Warner Brothers playing gangsters which wasn’t considered up to prestigious Hollywood award standards. If it’s after WWII, then it’s because of his refusal to testify in front of the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Though he tried to clear his name, he refused to name any Communist sympathizers yet his career would suffer until The Ten Commandments.
Trivia: Contrary to his onscreen persona, he was a sensitive, soft spoken, and cultured man who spoke 7 languages and hated guns. Was a passionate art collector and even ran a gallery with Vincent Price. But he had to sell his collection in 1956 to a Greek shipping tycoon Starvos Niarchos to pay for his divorce and for being underemployed. Also loved collecting record from the world’s leading concerts. Though too old to serve in the military during WWII, he was an outspoken critic of fascism and Nazism as well as donated more than $250,000 to 850 charitable groups between 1939 and 1949. Also signed a declaration to boycott all German made products in 1938.

8. Ava Gardner

Ava Gardner was one of the foremost dark haired sex symbols of the 1950s even though she was a talented actress. Yet, she's better known for being labeled as a femme fatale whom Frank Sinatra left the mother of his children for as well as their turbulent relationship and marriage. Of course, she did help revitalize his career for helping him get his Oscar-winning role in From Here to Eternity (sorry, Godfather fans).

Ava Gardner was one of the foremost dark haired sex symbols of the 1950s even though she was a talented actress. Yet, she’s better known for being labeled as a femme fatale whom Frank Sinatra left the mother of his children for as well as their turbulent relationship and marriage. Of course, she did help revitalize his career for helping him get his Oscar-winning role in From Here to Eternity (sorry, Godfather fans).

Personal Life: (1922-1990) Born in Smithfield, North Carolina. Was the youngest of 7 children. Parents were poor tobacco farmers while her father would work at a sawmill and her mother would tend to a series of boarding houses. While young, her family lost their property and spent a time in Newport News, Virginia and Wilson, North Carolina. At 15, her father died of bronchitis. Attended Atlantic Christian College for a year in secretarial studies. Was discovered when her brother-in-law took and displayed her portrait in the front window at his Fifth Avenue photography studio and someone suggested he and her sister should send her to the New York MGM office. Moved to Hollywood in 1941 and made her first film that year. After divorcing Sinatra, she moved to Spain in 1957 and London in 1968 after getting an elective hysterectomy to prevent uterine cancer that claimed her mother’s life. Married 3 times with husbands consisting of Mickey Rooney, Artie Shaw, and Frank Sinatra. Due to a lifetime of smoking, she suffered from emphysema, as well as an unidentified auto-immune disorder. In 1986, she had 2 strokes that left her partially paralyzed and bedridden as well as forced to retire. Suffered a bad fall a week before she died and lay on the floor unable to move until her housekeeper returned. Died of pneumonia at 67.
Famous for: American actress who appeared mainly in bit parts until she drew attention with her performance in The Killers. Appeared in several high profile films from the 1950s to 1970s and was one of Hollywood’s foremost dark haired sex symbols. Notable roles are Kitty Collins from The Killers, Jean Ogilvie from The Hucksters, Venus from One Touch of Venus, Pauline Ostrovsky from The Great Sinner, Isabel Lorrison from East Side, West Side, Pandora Reynolds from Pandora and the Flying Dutchman, Lady Susan Ashlow from The Little Hut, Barbara Beaurevel from My Forbidden Past, Julie LaVerne from Show Boat, Cynthia Green from The Snows of Kilimanjaro, Guinevere from The Knights of the Round Table, Maria Vargas from The Barefoot Contessa, Victoria Jones from Bhowni Junction, Lady Brett Ashley from The Sun Also Rises, Maria Cayetana, Duchess of Alba from The Naked Maja, Moira Davidson from On the Beach, Eloise Y. Kelly from Mogambo, Soledad from The Angel Wore Red, Baroness Natalie Ivanoff from 55 Days in Peking, Eleanor Holbrook from Seven Days in May, Maxine Faulk from The Night of the Iguana, Empress Elizabeth from Mayerling, Lily Langtry from The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, and Nicole Dressler from The Cassandra Crossing.
Nominated for: Gardner was nominated for Best Actress in 1954 for Mogambo.
Most Crushing Loss: Not being nominated for Best Actress in 1954 for The Barefoot Contessa. Seriously, Academy, she was awesome in this!
Reasons: Well, when Frank Sinatra dumped the mother of his children for her, she was seen as a femme fatale that led him being blasted by gossip columnists, the Hollywood establishment, fans, and even the Roman Catholic Church. Yet, her helping getting Sinatra the part in From Here to Eternity basically saved his career. Yet, their marriage was extremely tempestuous with his intense jealousy and mistrust, her two abortions, her substantial drinking habit, and his suicide attempts. Was also prone to being constantly dismissed by the critics which resulted in her being so underrated. Not to mention, she was more or less seen as a sex symbol (which doesn’t make the Hollywood establishment take her talents seriously).
Trivia: Spoke in a thick Southern accent during her first screen test in New York that the folks at MGM found her voice incomprehensible. Was only able to overcome her drawl when MGM gave her a contract and a speech coach in Hollywood with Louis B. Mayer saying, “She can’t sing, she can’t act, she can’t talk, She’s terrific!” Used considerable influence to get Frank Sinatra cast in his Oscar-winning role From Here to Eternity which revitalized his career. Was infatuated by Howard Hughes. Born on Christmas Eve. Was friends with Ernest Hemingway. Had an island in Fiji named after her called Ava Ava. Housekeeper and corgi were taken in by Gregory Peck after she died. Was known for swearing a lot.

9. Judy Garland

Judy Garland is best remembered for her role as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz as well as singing, "Over the Rainbow." Yet, despite her iconic status and success, her private life was hell with drug addiction, studio pressures, failed marriages, and financial difficulties later in life.

Judy Garland is best remembered for her role as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz as well as singing, “Over the Rainbow.” Yet, despite her iconic status and success, her private life was hell with drug addiction, studio pressures, failed marriages, and financial difficulties later in life.

Personal Life: (1922-1969) Born Frances Ethel Gumm in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. Parents were vaudevillians who settled there to run a movie theater featuring their acts. At 2, she made her first stage appearance with her 2 older sisters as “Baby Frances.” In 1926, family relocated to Lancaster, California amid rumors that her father made sexual advances toward male ushers. Enrolled in a dance school with her sisters run by Ethel Meglin in 1928 and appeared on the Vaudeville circuit as the Gumm Sisters who later changed their names to the Garland sisters in 1934. Yet, the group eventually broke up when her older sister eloped to Reno with a musician. Was signed to MGM in 1935, which was the same year her father died of meningitis. Made her first film in 1936. Struggled immensely with her personal life since she was a child. Was addicted to prescription pills from a young age as well became eventually suicidal on one occasion. Self-image was strongly influenced by film executives saying she was unattractive and constantly manipulated her physical appearance. Was plagued by financial instability, often owing hundreds of thousands of dollars in back taxes. Married 5 times and had 3 children including Liza Minnelli to second husband Vincent Minnelli. Also had a long battle with drugs and alcohol ultimately leading to her death 47 to a barbiturate overdose.
Famous for: American actress and singer renowned for her vocals and attained international stardom which continued throughout her career spanning more than 40 years. Respected for her versatility as an actress in dramatic and musical roles as well as a recording artist. Made 9 films with Mickey Rooney. Notable roles are Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, Patsy Barton from Babes in Arms, Penny Morris from Babes on Broadway, Little Nellie Kelly, Jo Hayden from For Me and My Gal, Ginger Gray from Girl Crazy, Esther Smith from Meet Me in St. Louis, Alice Maybery from The Clock, Susan Bradley from The Harvey Girls, Marilyn Miller from Till the Clouds Roll By, Hannah Brown from Easter Parade, Veronica Fisher from In the Good Old Summertime, Vicki Lester / Esther Blodgett from A Star Is Born, Jane Falbury from Summer Stock, Irene Hoffman from Judgment at Nuremberg, and Jean Hansen from A Child Is Waiting.
Nominated for: Garland was nominated twice once for Best Actress and once for Best Supporting Actress in 1954 for A Star Is Born and 1961 for Judgment at Nuremberg.
Most Crushing Loss: Losing to Grace Kelly in the 1954 Best Actress Race. What makes it more crushing is that she just gave birth to her son Joey and would’ve broadcasted her acceptance speech through her hospital bed via camera crew. Not to mention, everyone expected her to win that year. Luckily she received a Juvenile Oscar in the 1930s.
Reasons: Garland was burned by the competition. Seriously, her loss to Grace Kelly was an upset and she lost by 6 votes total. The competition in the acting categories in the 1950s was brutal. But still, Garland should’ve won for A Star Is Born. Also, Warner Bros. basically edited the film heavily which might not have been as good as the restored edition (which had to make do with stills and the recorded dialogue).
Trivia: Romantically linked with Artie Shaw and Orson Welles. Youngest recipient of the Cecille B. DeMille Award. James Mason performed the eulogy for her funeral.

10. Lauren Bacall

Though she had a long career from the 1940s, Lauren Bacall is best remembered for her 12 year marriage to Humphrey Bogart and the 4 films they made together. Of course, we all ignore the fact that they had 2 children and she was 19 when they met (while he was 45 and previously married 3 times).

Though she had a long career from the 1940s, Lauren Bacall is best remembered for her 12 year marriage to Humphrey Bogart and the 4 films they made together. Of course, we all ignore the fact that they had 2 children and she was 19 when they met (while he was 45 and previously married 3 times).

Personal Life: (1924-2014) Born Betty Joan Perske in the Bronx in New York City to Jewish parents. Father was a salesman and mother was a secretary. At 5, her parents divorced while her mother reverted back to the Romanian form of her last name Bacall (a name she’d later take since she never saw her father again and was very close to her mom who remarried a man named Goldberg). In 1941, she studied acting at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts while working at the St. James Theatre as an usher as well as a fashion model. Made her Broadway debut the next year at 17. Was recruited into films by Howard Hawks’ wife at the time, Nancy. Married twice husbands being Humphrey Bogart and Jason Robards Jr. and had 3 children. Died in her Dakota apartment from a massive stroke at 89.
Famous for: American actress known for her distinctive voice and sultry looks. Best known for appearing in film noir and romantic comedies and dramas. Made 4 movies with husband Humphrey Bogart. Notable roles are Marie “Slim” Browning from To Have and Have Not, Vivian Sternwood Rutledge from The Big Sleep, Irene Jansen from Dark Passage, Nora Temple from Key Largo, Amy North from Young Man with a Horn, Sonia Kovac from Bright Leaf, Schatze Page from How to Marry a Millionaire, Lucy Moore Hadley from Written on the Wind, Marilla Brown Hagen from Designing Woman, Sylvia Broderick from Sex and the Single Girl, Mrs. Harriet Belinda Hubbard from Murder on the Orient Express, Bond Rogers from The Shootist, Lady Westholme from Appointment with Death, Marcia Sindell from Misery, Hannah Morgan from The Mirror Has Two Faces, Witch of the Waste from Howl’s Moving Castle, and Annemarie Sterling from The Forger.
Nominated for: Bacall was nominated for Best Supporting Actress in 1997 for The Mirror Has Two Faces.
Most Crushing Loss: Not being nominated for Best Actress in 1946 for The Big Sleep. Luckily she earned an honorary Oscar in 2009. Of course, the fact most people just know her for marrying Humphrey Bogart is even more crushing.
Reasons: Face it, no matter how talented and successful she was in her own right, she was always remembered as Humphrey Bogart’s wife, even after she married Jason Robards Jr. and had a kid to him. Also, more or less seen as a sex symbol with her distinctive voice and sultry looks, especially the definitive Hawksian woman of 1940s films. Also had a tendency to turn down scripts she didn’t find interesting and had a reputation for being difficult.
Trivia: Had a daughter named after Leslie Howard (at Bogart’s insistence no doubt). Son Stephen was named after the nickname she gave Bogart’s character in To Have and Have Not, where she met him. Was a staunch opponent of McCarthyism and was on the Committee for the First Amendment though she and Bogart distanced themselves from The Hollywood Ten. Was a classmate with Kirk Douglas at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. Crowned Miss Greenwich Village in 1942. Modeled for a cover in Harper’s Bazaar. According to Howard Hawks, she had a naturally high pitched nasal voice but was trained to make it lower. Was spokeswoman for High Point (coffee) and Fancy Feast cat food.

Personal Ads Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

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Whether it be on Craigslist or the newspaper classifieds, personal ads have served as a way for people to meet one another for dates. Some do personal ads since they may not know people in the area or live in places with a small dating pool such as gays and those who probably dated everyone in town who’s not married as well as too old to be their child but too young to be their parents. Others want to meet people but don’t want it to be known in their public life. Of course, we all have reasons for seeking dates this way whether it be looking for a spouse or just a one night stand. Some people who put out personal ads may already be married and just looking to either swing or have a little on the side. Still, not all personal ads pertain to necessarily dating but plenty of them do, at least those we tend to make fun of. They usually include a description of the person and their interests. Those who are interested contact the person posting either through listed information or a forwarding service. Nevertheless, though some may post photos, the person posting it usually does it anonymously. Now I can go on and on about the great personal ads I’ve seen but that’s limited and I’m not sure if I want to resort to that when I have internet dating (but I’m far more interested in trying to establish myself as a writer and get a long term steady job that’ll get me out of my parents home, though I will take exceptions if the right guy comes along). Instead, I’ll post some of the more unusual and funny personal ads of people you may or may not want to date. Some of these may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some personal ads to laugh at this Valentine’s Day season.

1. While some try to make sure the message fits the ad, this one took two placements to get his message across.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

2. Some guys put themselves out there on the dating scene with the local classifieds. Some do it with Craigslist and online dating. But this guy does it with an entire billboard.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he's probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn't date this guy since he's a returned missionary (since I'm Catholic, it's a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he’s probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn’t date this guy since he’s a returned missionary (since I’m Catholic, it’s a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

3. When a female farmer is looking for a man, she does her own personal ad with a tractor.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn't even involved in a long distance relationship either.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn’t even involved in a long distance relationship either.

4. I’m sure this ad is only honest when you read lines 1, 3, and 5. Pervert.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: "A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious." Yeah, he's not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: “A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious.” Yeah, he’s not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

5. While some may long for a companion, others want someone to satisfy their particular uh, fetishes.

I can't believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I'm not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn't a carnie and I'm not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

I can’t believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I’m not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn’t a carnie and I’m not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

6. Of course, it’s not always the young who seek just to hook up with during a one night stand.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he's above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I'm not surprised that he's looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn't have a lot of people living there to begin with.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he’s above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I’m not surprised that he’s looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn’t have a lot of people living there to begin with.

7. So that’s how Kermit met Piggy. Wait, I’ve seen The Muppet Movie and I’m pretty sure they met in person.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

8. Basically this ad says: “Go out with me because I spent $340 on this ad though I can’t pay for your dinner.”

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom.  Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he's 6'1," 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom. Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he’s 6’1,” 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

9. Sometimes in personal ads, you find guys who have impossible standards.

Sorry, dude, but I think it's time to lower your standards. For God's sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don't want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

Sorry, dude, but I think it’s time to lower your standards. For God’s sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don’t want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

10. 33 year old male seeks meeting and boning women and couples as well as form or join a sex club.

It's kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren't the only ones believing in free love at the time.

It’s kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren’t the only ones believing in free love at the time.

11. Wanted: Women for our swingers club because we’re executives and there aren’t man women among us because it’s the 1960s.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they're not picky since they'll even take gay divorcees, yet I'm not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they’re not picky since they’ll even take gay divorcees, yet I’m not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

12. Now personal ads don’t always have to be about getting dates. This woman just wants her purse back.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she's seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she’s seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

13. Some people find that personal ads sometimes make them express their poetic inclinations.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who's possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can't get her back, he'd settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who’s possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can’t get her back, he’d settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

14. Now this is what I call a dirty old man who may a possible candidate for John Boehner’s biological father.

Yes, he has the Boehner "Groot" tan we all remember from the House Speaker's appearance during Obama's last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there's a good chance his tan is natural.

Yes, he has the Boehner “Groot” tan we all remember from the House Speaker’s appearance during Obama’s last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there’s a good chance his tan is natural.

15. Young educated Frenchman seeks rich older woman in the 19th century. I wonder what’s this for?

I don't know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn't have to include the word, "wealth" right?

I don’t know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn’t have to include the word, “wealth” right?

16. Sometimes there are some people who post personal ads who really shouldn’t, like married people or priests.

I almost didn't post this but I had to since it's just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn't really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman's sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he's probably not a real priest if he's Catholic. If not, then someone's about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

I almost didn’t post this but I had to since it’s just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn’t really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman’s sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he’s probably not a real priest if he’s Catholic. If not, then someone’s about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

17. Sometimes it’s love at first sight. Other times, at first smell.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that's too much.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that’s too much.

18. Of course, you’d find a lot of divorced people posting personal ads but I’m not sure if this woman is ready to move on yet.

From what I've read in this ad, it's very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she's certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she's upset about her husband's cheating but still.

From what I’ve read in this ad, it’s very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she’s certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she’s upset about her husband’s cheating but still.

19. 35 year old engineer seeks woman to marry so he can get ahead in his business.

Man, seems like engineers haven't changed much since the 1920s. Who's to bet that he's the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps.

Man, seems like engineers haven’t changed much since the 1920s. Who’s to bet that he’s the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps. Also, the bank reference bit suggests, “gold digger.”

20. Two guys request two women to live happily ever after with-in the closet.

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don't have a gay friendly boss. Still, I'm not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of "fun."

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don’t have a gay friendly boss. Still, I’m not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of “fun.”

21. Now this guy certainly has his mojo rising.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison's personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27.  It doesn't look good, ladies. And you don't want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison’s personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27. It doesn’t look good, ladies. And you don’t want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

22. Of course, while some guys put out personal ads for hos, some try to get bros to do, you know, guy stuff.

Now I got to wonder about this guy's sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he's trying to prove he's not light in the loafers by engaging in "manly" pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bowhunting together and they're husband and wife.

Now I got to wonder about this guy’s sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he’s trying to prove he’s not light in the loafers by engaging in “manly” pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bow hunting together and they’re husband and wife.

23. Middle aged man seeks wife, no pretty rich bitches please!

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you'd expect a guy like Jane Eyre's Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, "Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife."

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you’d expect a guy like Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, “Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife.”

24. Young beautiful woman seeks attractive sugar daddy.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a "gold digger." Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c'mon, she's looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn't mention whether he has to be single.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a “gold digger.” Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c’mon, she’s looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn’t mention whether he has to be single.

25. Single mom-to-be seeks stepfather because baby daddy is behind bars.

I'm sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else's baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid's mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

I’m sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else’s baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid’s mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

26. Handsome Italian businessman seeking lifelong companion to give up everything and join him in an undisclosed location.

Now I don't want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I'm not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an "Italian businessman entering witness protection" you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

Now I don’t want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I’m not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an “Italian businessman entering witness protection” you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

27. Homeless musician seeks vulnerable runaway who’s at least 18.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn't a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let's hope he's at least under 30.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn’t a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let’s hope he’s at least under 30.

28. Single man seeks woman so he can enjoy a threesome with his furniture.

I'm sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I'm sure he wouldn't post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

I’m sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I’m sure he wouldn’t post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

29. Farmer seeks housekeeper and possible girlfriend.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can't help himself with "mate" as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can’t help himself with “mate” as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull or other animal.

30. Unemployed screenwriter in this 50s seeks 20 some blond girl as muse. Oh, she’s paying for her own dinner.

Hmmm....this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since  he fits the guy's description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include "under suspicion of murder" and "has major anger issues."

Hmmm….this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since he fits the guy’s description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include “under suspicion of murder” and “has major anger issues.”

31. Sometimes you can tell what a man does just by the way he describes himself.

This man is a mechanic since he's describing himself like he's a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it's no surprise he's a senior citizen who's had parts replaced.

This man is a mechanic since he’s describing himself like he’s a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it’s no surprise he’s a senior citizen who’s had parts replaced.

32. From how I read this, I guess this is a manga/anime nerd with a Japanese fetish.

By the way, endmame is preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I'm not sure of what to make with "samurai sensuality" which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong.

By the way, edamame is an Asian preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I’m not sure of what to make with “samurai sensuality” which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong. Then again, I’m not sure if this person knows what “edamame” or “bento box” mean.

33. Single male seeks single woman to entertain at kiddie birthday party?

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid's birthday party, I'm sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won't admit it.

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid’s birthday party, I’m sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won’t admit it.

34. For those seeking a good Christian man and an open marriage, you can’t do better than this guy ladies.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn't too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn’t too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

35. Of course, some people like to post personal ads just to say how much they miss their ex or not.

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what's with people these days?

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what’s with people these days?

36. Well, when you hit a certain age, sometimes you have to be honest in your expectations.

Yeah, when you're a 69 year old woman, you really can't ask for fit and handsome, can you?

Yeah, when you’re a 69 year old woman, you really can’t ask for fit and handsome, can you? Of course, she’s probably honest about the low energy lifestyle since she’s overweight and likes to eat.

37. Be wary of the personal ad by those seeking forbidden fruit.

Let's see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

Let’s see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

38. When it comes to the rebound, some people just don’t know when they should start dating again.

Seems like Jim Stone isn't quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

Seems like Jim Stone isn’t quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

39. Some people think personal ads are beneath their dignity, others not so much.

Seems like this woman isn't afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

Seems like this woman isn’t afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

40. Some people can also use personal ads for not just getting a date but also seeking employment or shelter.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/giggolo. Now I haven't heard that before.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/gigolo. Now I haven’t heard that before.

41. Of course, unrealistic expectations don’t always have to pertain to looks.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That's kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper's personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That’s kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper’s personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off on The Big Bang Theory.

42. Of course, it’s not single men who posts personals in the paper.

Ladies, remember when a guy's personal ad contains the word, "mistress" understand that he's married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won't leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

Ladies, remember when a guy’s personal ad contains the word, “mistress” understand that he’s married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won’t leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

43.Of course, there are some things happen in Vegas, that should stay in Vegas.

Man, whoever "Ann" is, seems like she'll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don't know what to make of the guy's picture. But at least he's smart enough to include it.

Man, whoever “Ann” is, seems like she’ll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don’t know what to make of the guy’s picture. But at least he’s smart enough to include it.

44. We all know that looks shouldn’t matter but some guys just can’t resist.

Basically this guy is saying to women, "I don't care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I'm not picky since I didn't specify race, color, creed or hair color." Well, he's probably the most open minded guy you'd see---at a Victora's Secret fashion show!

Basically this guy is saying to women, “I don’t care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I’m not picky since I didn’t specify race, color, creed or hair color.” Well, he’s probably the most open minded guy you’d see—at a Victora’s Secret fashion show!

45. Now when it comes to personal ads, it’s important that you’d be a nonsmoker to some, most of the time.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a "nonsmoker" is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I've seen in my life use them.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a “nonsmoker” is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I’ve seen in my life use them.

46. Crazy Christian lady seeks good Christian man.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can't help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don't think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can’t help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don’t think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

47. Middle aged man seeks guy to hang out with him, play with trains and mutual touching. But is totally not gay.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he's totally in the closet as far as I'm concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he’s totally in the closet as far as I’m concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

48. Even muppets can have personal ads. This is Snuffy’s.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I'll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I’ll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

49. While some people have impossible relationship standards, others can’t raise their standards high enough.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the "you" description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the “you” description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

50. When it comes to sexual harassment, sometimes people just take it a little bit to extreme.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I'm not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I’m not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

51. There’s nothing like a personal ad that says, “I’m turned off by your sarcasm and indifference but if you still want me, I’ll buy an extra ticket to Europe.”

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he's just not into you. Then again, you're probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he’s just not into you. Then again, you’re probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

52. Go back in time with me, and bring your own weapons.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money. Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn't a joke. Says he's done this before and safety isn't guaranteed. Verdict: Must be nuts.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money.
Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn’t a joke. Says he’s done this before and safety isn’t guaranteed.
Verdict: Must be nuts.

53. Sometimes I can’t tell whether this guy is looking for a woman or a piece of meat.

I'm sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don't know what he means by that.

I’m sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don’t know what he means by that.

54. Some people do personal ads just to know where they stand, sexually.

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what's the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what’s the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

55. When it comes to the perfect woman, some already know what they’re looking for.

I bet "H. M. C." stands for "the Honorable Matthew Crawley." I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

I bet “H. M. C.” stands for “the Honorable Matthew Crawley.” I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

56. Some guys have impossible standards, others have enormous egos.

Now if a guy says he's a perfect human specimen, you know he's full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

Now if a guy says he’s a perfect human specimen, you know he’s full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

57. Man seeks German woman with bookkeeping skills and titanic Teutonic titties.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

58. Charge up and jerk off with this guy.

Okay, this guy doesn't look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let's just say he won't be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

Okay, this guy doesn’t look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let’s just say he won’t be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

59. Divorced cat lady wants to ride a blue balled man’s ivory tower.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she's been divorced.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she’s been divorced.

60. Social climber seeks friend to score middle aged rich men.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

61. Snob seeks hipster to have dinner and complain about eating shitty restaurant food.

Of course, seeing the word, "white" on this doesn't make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I'm not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they're totally different things.

Of course, seeing the word, “white” on this doesn’t make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I’m not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they’re totally different things.

62. Ang Lee fan seeks camping and fishing buddy. Must be married and not act gay.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

63. Chess champ seeks queenside for special endgame.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn't just get his kicks above the waistline, baby. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn’t just get his kicks above the waistline, sunshine. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

64. Single woman wants man to buy her a drink, and no alcoholics please.

Something tells me that she's been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn't be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don't realize they have a drinking problem.

Something tells me that she’s been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don’t realize they have a drinking problem.

65. This guy has everything a woman wants, save one testicle.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn't be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he's Lance Armstrong.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn’t be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he’s Lance Armstrong.

66. You know a guy is behind the times when he mentions “payphone” and “beeper” in his personal ad.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he's still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn't have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that's only used by doctors these days.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he’s still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn’t have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that’s only used by doctors these days.

67. Sugar daddy seeks college girl. Will pay for everything.

This guy may be a pig, but he's not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I'm not that desperate.

This guy may be a pig, but he’s not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I’m not that desperate.

68. 33 year old man seeks lady that smells like strawberry air freshener.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

69. Of course, it’s hard for people to make it in the dating world, especially if they have STDs.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don't know "420" is marijuana.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don’t know “420” is marijuana.

70. Miniature stallion breeder seeks mare to ride on.

I'm sure "miniature" just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he's looking for.

I’m sure “miniature” just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he’s looking for.

71. Woman wanted for excursion on taco truck and maybe a little tongue.

By the way, "lengua" is Spanish for tongue and it's used to refer to "beef tongue." Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don't. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

By the way, “lengua” is Spanish for tongue and it’s used to refer to “beef tongue.” Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don’t. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

72. In some cases, there are guys who think bigger is better.

I don't know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who's probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

I don’t know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who’s probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

73. Seems like a lot of Amazons want to swing from Tarzan’s big vine these days, figuratively speaking.

Of course, anyone who's seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they're from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

Of course, anyone who’s seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they’re from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

74. Perverted reclusive dirty old movie star seeks Chinese girl but has Japanese fetish.

For God's sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can't tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America.  Still, this guy's kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn't much of a new leaf for him.

For God’s sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can’t tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America. Still, this guy’s kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn’t much of a new leaf for him.

75. Guy in track suit bottoms seeks girl in pajamas with possible substance issues.

I don't know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, "gorgeous" doesn't enter my mind. Also, I don't want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don't want to know.

I don’t know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, “gorgeous” doesn’t enter my mind. Also, I don’t want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don’t want to know.

76. Internet dating? That’s for creeps. Real men use flyers to put themselves out there.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, "tacos." Also "blue rays" has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don't know who this guy is but he's not scoring points with English teachers.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, “tacos.” Also “blue rays” has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don’t know who this guy is but he’s not scoring points with English teachers.

77. For the handsome Game of Thrones fan, this New Orleans woman just might be the girl of your dreams.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn't want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn't want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That's like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child's birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn't request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn’t want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn’t want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That’s like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child’s birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn’t request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

78. Even homeless guys might want to look for love some time, sort of.

Of course, this guy isn't really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, "Bubbles" from The Wire.

Of course, this guy isn’t really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, “Bubbles” from The Wire.

79. Trailer man seeks woman just so he can pay the bills.

Actually, he's only seeking a "girlfriend" because he can't seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can't have a cat. Of course, I'm not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

Actually, he’s only seeking a “girlfriend” because he can’t seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can’t have a cat. Of course, I’m not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

80. Web slinging Spiderman seeks bondage buddy, but not in a gay way, please.

I don't know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

I don’t know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Second Edition)

Vintage-Valentine-3

Since I posted my last vintage Valentines post last year in January, it’s become one of my most popular blog posts ever with 1,517 views and over 40 shares on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. I especially get a lot of views for this post around Valentine’s Day for obvious reasons. Well, for those who loved my last bunch of vintage Valentines, there’s a lot more where that came from. Whether they be racist, sexist, offensive, or somewhat carry unfortunate implications. Many of these vintage greeting cards may make you wonder why people would send these to each other or even their sweethearts. Sometimes they make you wish you can send them to your classmates while in elementary school. Some might have seen as a good idea at the time to the designer but seem to carry unfortunate implications by today’s standards. So without further adieu, here are some more of the wonderful vintage Valentines from yesterday.

1. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a fly telling you to stick around or catch on.

Or from the fly's perspective, "Fly on this tape you'll be stuck on forever and die."

Or from the fly’s perspective, “Fly on this tape you’ll be stuck on forever and die.” How romantic!

2. Of course, there’s nothing more romantic place on Valentine’s Day than a butcher shop.

Now I'm not sure if I'm creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I'm not sure if "I'd like to meat you, valentine," is a cute message or a way to tell them you're a cannibal.

Now I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I’m not sure if “I’d like to meat you, valentine,” is a cute message or a way to tell them you’re a cannibal.

3. Say that you’ll never be false to your valentine by sending them a card with a set of dentures.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you'll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that's disgusting.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you’ll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that’s disgusting.

4. For Valentine’s Day assure that your heart only pants for only them by sending them a valentine with bloomers.

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, "pants" means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, “pants” means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a cat telling you that she’ll be your sweetie pie if you make the dough.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

6. Of course, there’s nothing like a valentine from a sweetheart saying that he’s not being exclusive.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I'd be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I’d be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a card depicting an adorable rendering of every parents’ worst nightmare.

Seriously, this is a child for God's sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

Seriously, this is a child for God’s sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

8. Of course, you can’t say “I love you” without saying how you’d go for them in a big way.

Of course, I'm not sure if I'd want a guy saying he's in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he's seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

Of course, I’m not sure if I’d want a guy saying he’s in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he’s seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

9. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than having a boy seize a girl’s eyes and mouth from behind.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn't careful enough.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn’t careful enough.

10. Happy Valentine’s Day from Popeye the Sailor Man.

Okay, that's a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn't know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason.

Okay, that’s a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn’t know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason. Also the girl is totally not Olive Oyl by any means.

11. Nothing says you need to thaw out like a Valentine depicting a girl in the refrigerator.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would've been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would’ve been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

12. When searching for a girlfriend, it’s best that you go dressed in a matching checkered deer stalker cap and tweed with orange as well as a deer hunting rifle. Seriously, for some men, finding a girlfriend is like deer hunting.

Apparently, this card's designer hasn't read "The Most Dangerous Game." It's about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

Apparently, this card’s designer hasn’t read “The Most Dangerous Game.” It’s about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

13. Of course, what better valentine to send your sweetheart than one depicting kids on the playground.

Is it just me or does this valentine's message seem apparently dirty? I don't know but I have a feeling, "mount" doesn't really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

Is it just me or does this valentine’s message seem apparently dirty? I don’t know but I have a feeling, “mount” doesn’t really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

14. Of course, nothing can be more adorable on Valentine’s Day than a cute angel building a snowman.

What I don't get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

What I don’t get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

15. Happy Valentine’s Day by some person of indeterminate gender and his or her cat/dog hybrid pet in the dog house.

Now what I don't understand is the message, "Sweetheart dear, I'm in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-" oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn't it? It's even dirtier if you or your valentine's British since "pants" means what you wear under your trousers.

Now what I don’t understand is the message, “Sweetheart dear, I’m in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-” oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn’t it? It’s even dirtier if you or your valentine’s British since “pants” means what you wear under your trousers.

16. Happy Valentine’s Day from flapper fish but don’t ask me how she uses her fins.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can't breathe outside water and fire can't survive in water. So how's that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don't ask me.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can’t breathe outside water and fire can’t survive in water. So how’s that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don’t ask me.

17. There’s no better occasion than Valentine’s Day to tell your loved one how much you hate Asian people and that you can’t keep it in your pants.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I'm being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst since this screams racism. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I’m being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

18. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than offensively mocking Native Americans with demeaning stereotypes.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team's name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It's offensive.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team’s name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It’s offensive like this Valentine of these kids thinking that Indians practice human sacrifice.

19. A valentine depicting a beaver carving a heart. Don’t see what can go wrong with that?

Of course, anyone who's over a certain age knows what "beaver" also pertain to. It's even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

Of course, anyone who’s over a certain age knows what “beaver” also pertain to. It’s even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

20. Of course, there’s nothing like some hotdogs on the fire during Valentine’s Day.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog's face.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog’s face.

21. Nothing makes a more romantic valentine than one of a pirate threatening to kidnap you.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it. Seriously, abduction for love is a thing and it’s not pretty.

22. Be my valentine or this means war.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can't refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn't okay in the least. What's wrong with, "I'll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?" Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can’t refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn’t okay in the least. What’s wrong with, “I’ll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?” Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

23. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a valentine of a lonely dog about to shoot himself.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? "Be my valentine or I'm going to shoot myself?" If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? “Be my valentine or I’m going to shoot myself?” If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

24. Be my valentine or I’ll murder you, burn your body, and put your ashes in the trash can.

It's not what's in the trash can, it's who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can gives you a clue.

It’s not what’s in the trash can, it’s who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can of ashes gives you a clue.

25. Happy Valentine’s Day from Ronald McDonald.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he's always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he's about to haunt you in your dreams.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he’s always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he’s about to haunt your dreams. Hope you love therapy.

26. Give me a kiss and I won’t bite your head off.

Of course, this doesn't help that the wolf looks as if it's ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It's pretty terrifying if you ask me.

Of course, this doesn’t help that the wolf looks as if it’s ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It’s pretty terrifying if you ask me.

27. Aw, a cat licking some little kid clean, what can possibly go wrong with that?

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

28. This sailor has a cannon only loaded with love for you, valentine.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn't recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy's legs. This sort of makes the "loaded only with love for you, valentine" seem a quite inappropriate, indeed.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn’t recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy’s legs. This sort of makes the “loaded only with love for you, valentine” have a whole new dirty meaning.

29. Happy Valentine’s Day and I’ll ski into your heart whether you like it or not.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she's gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That's not cute, it's scary.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she’s gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That’s not cute, it’s scary.

30. Be my valentine or I’ll send my duck billed crocodile after you.

Doesn't help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don't know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don't have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn't look so good.

Doesn’t help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don’t know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn’t look so good.

31. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than two hot dogs in love.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don't want to know what's more. Seriously, this valentine's designer must've been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don’t want to know what’s more. Seriously, this valentine’s designer must’ve been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

32. Happy Valentine’s Day from psycho pig.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he'll make sure you're as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he’ll make sure you’re as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

33. Don’t be a dummy and be my valentine.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a crazy mouse caught in a trap.

I don't know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

I don’t know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

35. Be my valentine and let’s be cuffed together for all eternity.

What's this? Our grandparents' BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

What’s this? Our grandparents’ BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

36. Be my valentine or I’ll blow my top if you say no. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I'm not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don't seem like they're up to any good.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I’m not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don’t seem like they’re up to any good.

37. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than cruelty to animals.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I'm sure the cat's not liking it. Still, this girl is like, "I'll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever." Giggle, giggle.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I’m sure the cat’s not liking it. Still, this girl is like, “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Giggle, giggle.

38. Be my valentine and I won’t be the fish that got away.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let's hope this fish isn't out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let’s hope this fish isn’t out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

39. Valentine, you are the apple of my eye.

Let's hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don't ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people's heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

Let’s hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don’t ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people’s heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

40. Valentine, even if you’d toss my love aside like Bluebeard, I’d still want you.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it's not like he just leaves them.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from medieval European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it’s not like he just leaves them.

41. Must I hammer it in until you be my valentine?

I don't know about you but, isn't hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I'm just saying.

I don’t know about you but, isn’t hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I’m just saying.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy in your drink.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it's pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it's just a very big glass to begin with.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it’s pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it’s just a very big glass to begin with.

43. When it comes to the chase, some give up, some persist before they get the hint or restraining, and some keep trying beyond the grave.

Billy may be dead but he's still determined to win Karen's heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn't had a good night sleep since.

Billy may be dead but he’s still determined to win Karen’s heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn’t had a good night sleep since.

44. Surrender and be my prisoner er-I mean valentine. That’s it.

Of course, this would've been quite different if she didn't come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

Of course, this would’ve been quite different if she didn’t come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from your neighborhood 1950s diner that hires the ugly people.

Basically this is Miss Frizzle before she had the magic school bus. Of course, she went through a very awkward phase in high school and really didn't go out much with boys for obvious reasons.

Basically this is Lady Elaine back when she was working at the neighborhood of Make Believe diner and malt shop during the 1950s before it went out of business. Yes, she was going through a very awkward phase in high school.

46. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than some hot condiment on hotdog action. This time, it’s the pickle jar’s turn.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

47. You’re unusual, valentine, like the bearded lady.

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn't be happy at all. I mean if you're a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying "you're ugly."

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn’t be happy at all. I mean if you’re a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying “you’re ugly.”

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your generic horror movie monster whatever it is.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine's Day isn't your holiday.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t your holiday.

49. Be my valentine, sunshine, or I’ll kill you.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don't mess with this dame here.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don’t mess with this dame here.

50. Your eyes are brown like the harsh tobacco I inhale through too packs a day, which kills 1/3 of its users each year and is slowly killing me.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she's like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she's bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can't seem to quit her.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she’s like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she’s bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can’t seem to quit her. And if he’s with her long enough he’ll spend his last days slowly dying of cancer in the hospital if the heart attack doesn’t kill him first.

Get in the Festive Fat Tuesday Spirit with These Mardi Gras Treats

mardi-gras-dessert-table

When most Americans think about Mardi Gras, they think New Orleans. Yet, little do they know that this tradition has a lot of roots on in Continental Europe and Roman Catholicism, which was transplanted from French settlers in their North American colonies as well as Portuguese and Spanish settlers in Latin America. Now Mardi Gras isn’t really a religious holiday yet, it was celebrated the last chance to eat, drink, and be merry before Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of the 7 week penitential season which includes  6 weeks of Lent, followed Holy Week before Easter. Nevertheless, like a lot of religious holidays like Christmas and Easter, it has become somewhat secularized as another excuse to party. Of course, while Mardi Gras literally translates into “Fat Tuesday” in French, it has other names depending on the area like Carnival or the Feast of Fools like in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The timing of the Mardi Gras celebrations can also vary but they usually culminate the day before Ash Wednesday. Of course, not everyone celebrates Mardi Gras like myself despite being Catholic but that’s because most of my ancestors came from Germany, Ireland, Sweden and the British Isles and that I live in Western Pennsylvania, though there is a celebration in Philadelphia. Yet, it’s a holiday where parades are held and people dress costumes with some adults having a little too much to drink or screw for that matter. Still, it’s a holiday that has a lot of associations with food. So for your viewing pleasure, here are some creative Mardi Gras treats for your artistic culinary indulgence. Being American, most of the fare will be New Orleans inspired of course.

1. Bring in the festive Mardi Gras spirit with these colorful cake pops.

Now these are certainly a colorful lot. And each one of them has a unique design. Of course, if professionally made, they'll be on discount starting from Ash Wednesday for those who haven't given up sweets for Lent.

Now these are certainly a colorful lot. And each one of them has a unique design. Of course, if professionally made, they’ll be on discount starting from Ash Wednesday for those who haven’t given up sweets for Lent.

2. Make your Mardi Gras special with this one of a kind King Cake cinnamon bread.

In some places, king cake is a dish pertaining to Epiphany which marks the end of the Christmas season. In New Orleans, it's a cuisine associated with Mardi Gras. Originally in France this was a dry French bread type dough with sugar on top and a been inside 300 years ago, it's now more or less a braided Danish cinnamon fried dough type with a small plastic doll underneath. Hundreds of these are consumed in New Orleans during the season and you'll see a lot of these.

In some places, king cake is a dish pertaining to Epiphany which marks the end of the Christmas season. In New Orleans, it’s a cuisine associated with Mardi Gras. Originally in France this was a dry French bread type dough with sugar on top and a bean inside 300 years ago, it’s now more or less a braided Danish cinnamon fried dough type with a small plastic doll underneath. Hundreds of these are consumed in New Orleans during the season and you’ll see a lot of these in this post.

3. For dessert, you can’t go wrong with these Mardi Gras jello shot squares.

Of course, a word of caution here. Despite these squares' bright color and fruitiness, these are most definitely not for kids. That is, if they contain alcohol which is very likely.

Of course, a word of caution here. Despite these squares’ bright color and fruitiness, these are most definitely not for kids. That is, if they contain alcohol which is very likely.

4. Serve your Mardi Gras guests this colorful pasta salad this Fat Tuesday season.

Of course, this contains red onion and corn to bring out the color. If you think gumbo is too hot for you, you might want to go with this.

Of course, this contains red onion and corn to bring out the color. If you think gumbo is too hot for you, you might want to go with this.

5. I do declare that no one should make Mardi Gras cupcakes without decorating them with beads.

Nevertheless, you should never serve these cupcakes to children under 3 years old for obvious reasons. Still, I also love the icing and the tiaras on some of them.

Nevertheless, you should never serve these cupcakes to children under 3 years old for obvious reasons. Still, I also love the icing and the tiaras on some of them.

6. For your Mardi Gras appetizers, treat your guests to this specially made Mardi Gras trail mix.

Now this contains popcorn, Chex Mix, peppermints, small plastic baby dolls, and white chocolate covered pretzels with sugar all over them. Of course, don't ask me about the plastic baby. It's a New Orleans thing.

Now this contains popcorn, Chex Mix, peppermints, small plastic baby dolls, and white chocolate covered pretzels with sugar all over them. Of course, don’t ask me about the plastic baby doll. It’s a New Orleans thing.

7. For those who don’t have any time to make gumbo, how about a Mardi Gras pizza instead?

Now this contains pepperoni, red onions, cheese, as well as green and yellow peppers which aren't as spice as I originally assumed in November. Nevertheless, this doesn't contain tomato sauce which is derived by a crop from South America.

Now this contains pepperoni, red onions, cheese, as well as green and yellow peppers which aren’t as spicy as I originally assumed in November. Nevertheless, this doesn’t contain tomato sauce which is derived by a crop from South America.

8. For your Mardi Gras lunch, chomp on these colorful lunch meat sandwiches.

These can range with salami and bolongna but I'm not sure if they're from Oscar Meyer. They also have bread dyed purple and yellow without crusts as far as I can see.

These can range with salami and bolongna but I’m not sure if they’re from Oscar Meyer. They also have bread dyed purple and yellow without crusts as far as I can see.

9. For something more festive and healthy, you can try this Mardi Gras wrap and salad.

Of course, you can tell this is a Mardi Gras dish because the mask appears carved from some vegetable dyed purple as are some of the carrots. Nevertheless, very colorful.

Of course, you can tell this is a Mardi Gras dish because the mask appears carved from some vegetable dyed purple as are some of the carrots. Nevertheless, very colorful.

10. Make your Mardi Gras party special with these specially made cupcakes.

Of course, you can tell that someone at a few of these if you see their lips with a very unnatural color like green or purple. Yet, each looks pretty in its own way.

Of course, you can tell that someone at a few of these if you see their lips with a very unnatural color like green or purple. Yet, each looks pretty in its own way.

11. Nothing makes a Mardi Gras party than a large cake with a purple mask with yellow, purple, and green feathers.

You'll see a few of these on this post for there are so many for some reason. This is certainly professionally made. Yet, you have to admire the artistry on this.

You’ll see a few of these on this post for there are so many for some reason. This is certainly professionally made. Yet, you have to admire the artistry on this.

12. Bring the festive spirit into Mardi Gras with these one of a kind cookies.

Now these come from a website called Custom Cookies.com so they're professionally made. Items include jester hats, jesters, crowns, the Fleur de Lis, beads, masks, and music notes.

Now these come from a website called Custom Cookies.com so they’re professionally made. Items include jester hats, jesters, crowns, the Fleur de Lis, beads, masks, and music notes.

13. You can’t enjoy Mardi Gras without putting some candy beads on your cupcakes.

Now I think these are made from candy. I mean they sure don't look shiny to me. Yet, you'd still wouldn't want them near kids under 3 years old for obvious reasons.

Now I think these are made from candy. I mean they sure don’t look shiny to me. Yet, you’d still wouldn’t want them near kids under 3 years old for obvious reasons.

14. Nothing says Mardi Gras than cakes of women’s bosoms with their beads on them.

Seems like while doing these posts, I seem to find how heart cookie cutters can be used for so many occasions. Yet, I'm not sure if I approve of this for families since this is reflective of the Mardi Gras party scene that might carry some unfortunate implications.

Seems like while doing these posts, I seem to find how heart cookie cutters can be used for so many occasions. Yet, I’m not sure if I approve of this for families since this is reflective of the Mardi Gras party scene that might carry some unfortunate implications.

15. So if you wear a mask this Mardi Gras then so should your cupcakes.

Of course, these purple masks and feathers are made from icing while the cupcake is covered with white icing and sugar. Guaranteed to make some people give up their New Year's Resolutions for Lent.

Of course, these purple masks and feathers are made from icing while the cupcake is covered with white icing and sugar. Guaranteed to make some people give up their New Year’s Resolutions for Lent.

16. Treat your guests this Mardi Gras with these joker cookies.

Of course, while these cookies may look cute, they may contain beads that aren't suitable for children under 3 years old. I'm just saying to all you parents out there.

Of course, while these cookies may look cute, they may contain beads that aren’t suitable for children under 3 years old. I’m just saying to all you parents out there.

17. Of course, if you live in New Orleans, you can’t have Mardi Gras without some music note and star cookies.

Because we all know that New Orleans is known for jazz music as well as Hurricane Katrina, zydeco, crime, levees, and FEMA fiascos. Also, those plastic babies near the star cookies are absolutely creepy.

Because we all know that New Orleans is known for jazz music as well as Hurricane Katrina, zydeco, crime, levees, and FEMA fiascos. Also, those plastic babies near the star cookies are absolutely creepy.

18. Celebrate your Mardi Gras with these specially made crown cookies.

What's even better about these cookies is that they were made from chocolate dough or gingerbread by what it looks like. Still, they all seem to have intricate designs.

What’s even better about these cookies is that they were made from chocolate dough or gingerbread by what it looks like. Still, they all seem to have intricate designs as if it was done by a professional or someone with too much time on their hands.

19. Top your Mardi Gras party off with a giant mask cupcake display.

Now this might be for some special event of some sort. Still, that's a lot of cupcakes and how they keep them on without the icing sliding off amazes me. Yet, the best part about this display is that all the cupcakes are chocolate.

Now this might be for some special event of some sort. Still, that’s a lot of cupcakes and how they keep them on without the icing sliding off amazes me. Yet, the best part about this display is that all the cupcakes are chocolate.

20. Bring the festivities alive with these Mardi Gras cookies on a stick.

These may be from a Louisiana based startup called Cajun Home Sweets. Of course, these had to be professionally made since the mask details are all so fine and intricate.

These may be from a Louisiana based startup called Cajun Home Sweets. Of course, these had to be professionally made since the mask details are all so fine and intricate.

21. Make your Mardi Gras memborable with this lovely mask and feather cake.

Of course, this cake has a lot of things we know of Mardi Gras like feathers, mask, confetti, Doubloons, and beads as you'd see in New Orleans. Also a background of green, purple, and yellow.

Of course, this cake has a lot of things we know of Mardi Gras like feathers, mask, confetti, Doubloons, and beads as you’d see in New Orleans. Also a background of green, purple, and yellow.

22. Of course, no New Orleans resident can forget to celebrate Mardi Gras without a king cake.

Now this is what the modern New Orleans King Cake looks like. Notice how it resembles a giant braided Danish garland? Also, the baby doll on this thing is creepy.

Now this is what the modern New Orleans King Cake looks like. Notice how it resembles a giant braided Danish garland? Also, the baby doll on this thing is creepy.

23. Make Mardi Gras a festive occasion with these lovely cupcakes.

These cupcake icing designs were probably made by: a. a professional, b. a repressed art student, c. someone who's had too much of the Mardi Gras ganja, or d. all of the above.

These cupcake icing designs were probably made by: a. a professional, b. a repressed art student, c. someone who’s had too much of the Mardi Gras ganja, or d. all of the above.

24. What doesn’t bring Mardi Gras to its roots than the Fleur de Lis?

Of course, the Fleur de Lis is a symbol of France and the French royal family in the Bourbon dynasty days. It was even on France's flag until the French Revolution. Still, these cookies look delicious.

Of course, the Fleur de Lis is a symbol of France and the French royal family in the Bourbon dynasty days. It was even on France’s flag until the French Revolution. Still, these cookies look delicious.

25. Get lucky this Mardi Gras with these specially designed fortune cookies.

Available in yellow, purple, and green at a New Orleans Asian restaurant near you. Of course, I don't know about using the green and purple food coloring but it works.

Available in yellow, purple, and green at a New Orleans Asian restaurant near you. Of course, I don’t know about using the green and purple food coloring but it works.

26. For even greater luck on Mardi Gras, try this giant fortune cookie up for size.

Now this fortune cookie is covered in yellow, purple, and green sprinkles. Don't say I didn't warn you in case you open it. Then again, it's probably made from cake.

Now this fortune cookie is covered in yellow, purple, and green sprinkles. Don’t say I didn’t warn you in case you open it. Then again, it’s probably made from cake.

27. Hope these jester cupcakes manage to put a smile on your face this Mardi Gras.

Of course, I'm not sure if the jesters are edible but all seem to have their own characteristics as individuals. Also, some of them have masks on, too.

Of course, I’m not sure if the jesters are edible but all seem to have their own characteristics as individuals. Also, some of them have masks on, too.

28. Make your kids the perfect Mardi Gras lunch with this King Rex crown sandwich.

Of course, this seems like a decent healthy lunch with a better content than whatever Nutrition Inc. makes. However, I think the purple broccoli is kind of pushing it with the Mardi Gras spirit. Seriously, purple broccoli belongs in somebody's acid trip.

Of course, this seems like a decent healthy lunch with a better content than whatever Nutrition Inc. makes. However, I think the purple broccoli is kind of pushing it with the Mardi Gras spirit. Seriously, purple broccoli belongs in somebody’s acid trip.

29. Make your Mardi Gras memorable with this set of sugar cookies.

I like how some of the cookies resembling Mardi Gras beads and how they're designed. I can never master something like that, not in a million years.

I like how some of the cookies resembling Mardi Gras beads and how they’re designed. I can never master something like that, not in a million years.

30. Wake up this Fast Tuesday to these king cake donuts.

Of course, these are the pastries most likely consumed by the New Orleans police department which is usually busy on Mardi Gras arresting topless drunk women for indecent exposure and maybe suspicion on prostitution.

Of course, these are the pastries most likely consumed by the New Orleans police department which is usually busy on Mardi Gras arresting topless drunk women for indecent exposure and maybe suspicion on prostitution.

31. Treat yourself right this Mardi Gras with this colorful Mardi Gras salad.

Now this contains carrots, kale, and red cabbage. Yet, the carrots may be heirloom and only available at Whole Foods. Still, yellow peppers may do fine.

Now this contains carrots, kale, and red cabbage. Yet, the carrots may be heirloom and only available at Whole Foods. Still, yellow peppers may do fine.

32. Give a toast this Mardi Gras with these king cake jello shots.

Yes, I know these probably contain alcohol and aren't for kids. Yet, they certainly display quite vibrant colors as you see here.

Yes, I know these probably contain alcohol and aren’t for kids. Yet, they certainly display quite vibrant colors as you see here.

33. Celebrate your Mardi Gras with these king cake cinnamon sugar cookies.

Now I know these aren't donuts because they're flat but I love the swirl icing design on these. Still, I'd eat them.

Now I know these aren’t donuts because they’re flat but I love the swirl icing design on these. Still, I’d eat them.

34. For Mardi Gras, candy coated popcorn makes a great snack.

Of course, candy coated popcorn may be festive for Mardi Gras but it's not good for you, especially for your teeth. Yet, I do like how it looks in this photo.

Of course, candy coated popcorn may be festive for Mardi Gras but it’s not good for you, especially for your teeth. Yet, I do like how it looks in this photo.

35. Send your kid with a mask pancake lunch this Mardi Gras.

Now this combines the rituals of French Mardi Gras with the traditions of British Shrove Tuesday that usually consists of pancake breakfasts. Of course, where I live Shrove Tuesday isn't celebrated there either.

Now this combines the rituals of French Mardi Gras with the traditions of British Shrove Tuesday that usually consists of pancake breakfasts. Of course, where I live Shrove Tuesday isn’t celebrated there either.

36. Of course, if your kid doesn’t like pancakes, you can always send him or her a sandwich with a Fleur de Lis.

Of course, other than the Mardi Gras imagery, there's really nothing remarkable about this lunch. Of course, Mardi Gras isn't really a children's holiday like Christmas and Easter are.

Of course, other than the Mardi Gras imagery, there’s really nothing remarkable about this lunch. Of course, Mardi Gras isn’t really a children’s holiday like Christmas and Easter are.

37. Treat your Mardi Gras party guests to this tearaway mask cupcake cake.

Now this is may not be as messy as cutting it, but I'm sure whoever took hours to work on it will be crying when he or she sees it being torn to pieces. Still, quite festive.

Now this is may not be as messy as cutting it, but I’m sure whoever took hours to work on it will be crying when he or she sees it being torn to pieces. Still, quite festive.

38. Of course, if you’re no fan of donut holes, you can always settle for king cake long johns.

I know they look like custom designed Mardi Gras twinkies covered in icing, but hey, to each his own. Of course, consumed by New Orleans cops arresting people for public intoxication and indecent exposure.

I know they look like custom designed Mardi Gras twinkies covered in icing, but hey, to each his own. Of course, consumed by New Orleans cops arresting people for public intoxication and indecent exposure.

39. For the New Orleans Francophile, here’s a nice tearaway cupcake cake of the Fleur de Lis.

Of course, the best part about this design is that it's purple. Still, since it was originally a French colony, Louisiana bases a lot of its tradition on French culture with their legal basis being the Napoleonic Code.

Of course, the best part about this design is that it’s purple. Still, since it was originally a French colony, Louisiana bases a lot of its tradition on French culture with their legal basis being the Napoleonic Code.

40. Celebrate this Mardi Gras with this vibrantly colorful king cake.

Unlike the previous 2 king cakes I've shown, this one has multi colored icing instead of sugar. Nevertheless, I find the presence of plastic baby dolls on these quite disturbing. Maybe it's the baby carrot cake from Cakewrecks or something.

Unlike the previous 2 king cakes I’ve shown, this one has multi colored icing instead of sugar. Nevertheless, I find the presence of plastic baby dolls on these quite disturbing. Maybe it’s the baby carrot cake from Cakewrecks or something.

41. No Mardi Gras party is complete without these mask cookies.

Of course, some mask cookies have holes in them and others don't. In this one, the eye holes are covered in black icing. Yet, each mask is unique in its own way.

Of course, some mask cookies have holes in them and others don’t. In this one, the eye holes are covered in black icing. Yet, each mask is unique in its own way.

42. Of course, for those who don’t like jello shots there’s always jello slices for the Mardi Gras party.

Like the jello shots, just because they're brightly colored and made from jello doesn't mean they're for children. In fact, they might contain alcohol as well. Just, giving some people cause for parental discretion.

Like the jello shots, just because they’re brightly colored and made from jello doesn’t mean they’re for children. In fact, they might contain alcohol as well. Just, giving some people cause for parental discretion.

43. No Mardi Gras party is complete without an elaborate mask cake like this.

This cake is lined with some gold Spanish Doubloons that are more likely made from plastic to some Golden Age pirate's chagrin. Yet, you can tell that this was professionally made and very expensive.

This cake is lined with some gold Spanish Doubloons that are more likely made from plastic to some Golden Age pirate’s chagrin. Yet, you can tell that this was professionally made and very expensive.

44. Besides Hurricane Katrina, most people know New Orleans for 2 things: Mardi Gras and jazz music as these cookies illustrate.

Of course, we have a couple designs of Mardi Gras masks along with a face with dangling notes and piano hair as I see it at least. Yes, these were undoubtedly made in the Big Easy.

Of course, we have a couple designs of Mardi Gras masks along with a face with dangling notes and piano hair as I see it at least. Yes, these were undoubtedly made in the Big Easy.

45. When it comes to Mardi Gras cakes, sometimes 2 tiers are better than one.

I have to admire the decorations on this like the beads, the party stuff, and the feather mask. I also like the swirls, too.

I have to admire the decorations on this like the beads, the party stuff, and the feather mask. I also like the swirls, too.

46. Now you can’t have a Mardi Gras party without including truffle chocolate beads.

Come to think of it, truffle chocolate beads must be more expensive than regular plastic Mardi Gras beads you can find at any dollar store in your area. Yet, these seem to resemble beads from some higher end store.

Come to think of it, truffle chocolate beads must be more expensive than regular plastic Mardi Gras beads you can find at any dollar store in your area. Yet, these seem to resemble beads from some higher end store.

47. For Mardi Gras, some people prefer whipped cream with sprinkles on their jello shots.

Once again, jello shots usually contain alcohol and therefore aren't for kids. Nevertheless, if any parent wants to make non-alcoholic jello shots, then be my guest.

Once again, jello shots usually contain alcohol and therefore aren’t for kids. Nevertheless, if any parent wants to make non-alcoholic jello shots, then be my guest.

48. Now these New Orleans mask cookies are bound to make any Mardi Gras party festive.

Now these masks cookies are certainly elaborate and made by professionals. There's even a jazz one, too. Nevertheless, the ribbons aren't edible but they do add some sense of artistry to them.

Now these masks cookies are certainly elaborate and made by professionals. There’s even a jazz one, too. Nevertheless, the ribbons aren’t edible but they do add some sense of artistry to them.

49. For favors, you can’t go wrong with these Mardi Gras pretzels.

Now these are covered with either white chocolate or icing and decked with sugar. Maybe it would be easier to add food coloring but I didn't make these.

Now these are covered with either white chocolate or icing and decked with sugar. Maybe it would be easier to add food coloring but I didn’t make these.

50. Start your Mardi Gras morning with some Mardi Gras pancakes.

Of course, these pancakes are yellow, purple, and green for Mardi Gras. Perhaps they should add green eggs and ham to it as well, but I'm not Dr. Seuss.

Of course, these pancakes are yellow, purple, and green for Mardi Gras. Perhaps they should add green eggs and ham to it as well, but I’m not Dr. Seuss.

51. For the vegetable in your Mardi Gras dinner go with this festive salad.

Contains quinoa, broccoli, nuts, and cauliflower dyed purple and yellow as if it's from the Green Eggs and Ham world of Dr. Seuss. Seriously, I don't know what to make about food coloring. I know it's safe but it sometimes gives the wrong impression.

Contains quinoa, broccoli, nuts, and cauliflower dyed purple and yellow as if it’s from the Green Eggs and Ham world of Dr. Seuss. Seriously, I don’t know what to make about food coloring. I know it’s safe but it sometimes gives the wrong impression.

52. Now there’s nothing more festive on Mardi Gras than this lovely 2 tiered cake.

I do like the nice prop usage on this cake such as the mask, crown, Doubloons, and beads. Yet, I wonder if this cake is chocolate underneath the icing.

I do like the nice prop usage on this cake such as the mask, crown, Doubloons, and beads. Yet, I wonder if this cake is chocolate underneath the icing. But I don’t want to destroy it for now.

53. For you theater geeks out there, I think these cupcakes would be quite appropriate for your Mardi Gras celebration.

Not only do some of these cupcakes carry the traditional feathery Mardi Gras mask, they also have the tragedy and comedy masks as well. And it seems like they're edible but I can be wrong.

Not only do some of these cupcakes carry the traditional feathery Mardi Gras mask, they also have the tragedy and comedy masks as well. And it seems like they’re edible but I can be wrong.

54. Then again, you can always buy Mardi Gras cake toppers in New Orleans.

Yet, I'm not sure whether the cupcake toppers on these are edible or not. However, I do love the purple icing on them though. Hey, I love purple. I can't help it.

Yet, I’m not sure whether the cupcake toppers on these are edible or not. However, I do love the purple icing on them though. Hey, I love purple. I can’t help it.

55. For your Mardi Gras party, you can’t go wrong with icing covered star pretzels.

I'm not sure about the significance of stars on Mardi Gras but I think these pretzels are quite clever. Now where can I get pretzel stars in PA?

I’m not sure about the significance of stars on Mardi Gras but I think these pretzels are quite clever. Now where can I get pretzel stars in PA?

56. Feast your eyes on this Mardi Gras pizza for lunch.

Now these seem to contain, cheese, meat, and red onions. Yet, I'm sure the little leaf provides the green, whatever that is.

Now these seem to contain, cheese, meat, and red onions. Yet, I’m sure the little leaf provides the green, whatever that is.

57. Hope your kids will love these king cake donuts.

I'm not sure about the little face in the donuts are about. Yet, these are sure cute that your kids will certainly enjoy them, even though they may be too young to take part in the other festivities.

I’m not sure about the little face in the donuts are about. Yet, these are sure cute that your kids will certainly enjoy them, even though they may be too young to take part in the other festivities.

58. Now this cookie set will sure make your Mardi Gras worthwhile.

Now this includes cake pops with white icing and sprinkles, coins with a Fleur de Lis, and butterfly masks each unique in their own way.

Now this includes cake pops with white icing and sprinkles, coins with a Fleur de Lis, and butterfly masks each unique in their own way.

59. Now I’ve never seen a Mardi Gras mask cake like this before.

I'm not sure if that mask is made from confection or plastic. Either way, it looks very cool and quite intimidating.

I’m not sure if that mask is made from confection or plastic. Either way, it looks very cool and quite intimidating.

60. With Mardi Gras cakes, you can’t have too many tiers.

Now I love how these tiers don't seem to look the same. I especially like the mask on top with the feathers and stickers. So pretty.

Now I love how these tiers don’t seem to look the same. I especially like the mask on top with the feathers and stickers. So pretty.

61. For party favors, I can’t see anything wrong with Mardi Gras chocolate candies.

Well, except for the person being allergic to chocolate of course. Nevertheless, these look so good enough to eat and those you know me know how I like candy.

Well, except for the person being allergic to chocolate of course. Nevertheless, these look so good enough to eat and those you know me know how I like candy.

62. Celebrate Mardi Gras with these multicolored cake pops.

Now unlike the previous cake pops these were placed face down. I'll take a purple one though.

Now unlike the previous cake pops these were placed face down. I’ll take a purple one though, especially if it has chocolate inside.

63. Wake up this Mardi Gras morning with these specially made cinnamon rolls.

This person didn't have any purple sugar for the cinnabuns so he or she used black instead. I don't think it turned out very well.

This person didn’t have any purple sugar for the cinnabuns so he or she used black instead. I don’t think it turned out very well.

64. Nothing brings the festive spirit on Fat Tuesday than this jester cake.

For a jester cake, this one seems quite sad and has a lot of stuff that isn't edible. Yet, it looks pretty cool though.

For a jester cake, this one seems quite sad and has a lot of stuff that isn’t edible. Yet, it looks pretty cool though.

65. Of course, there’s nothing remarkable about these Mardi Gras cupcakes or is there?

Outside they may just be regular cupcakes with chocolate icing. Inside they have yellow, green, and purple interiors. So they're certainly festive underneath the wrapper and frosting.

Outside they may just be regular cupcakes with chocolate icing. Inside they have yellow, green, and purple interiors. So they’re certainly festive underneath the wrapper and frosting.

66. These Fleur de Lis cookies will certainly make your Mardi Gras party memorable.

Unlike the other treats, they're composed with black, white, and possibly blue. Also, they are quite nice to eat. Hope they weren't made by Saints fans. Probably were.

Unlike the other treats, they’re composed with black, white, and possibly blue. Also, they are quite nice to eat. Hope they weren’t made by Saints fans. Probably were.

67. Nothing makes a great Mardi Gras party without covering pretzels and cookies in chocolate.

I know these are Mardi Gras treats since they all have yellow, green and purple stripes on them. And that they have a mask chocolate with them.

I know these are Mardi Gras treats since they all have yellow, green and purple stripes on them. And that they have a mask chocolate with them.

68. With Mardi Gras, you can’t add too many accessories.

I like the gold party strings and the feather mask. I also like the stars on the cake as well as the yellow diamonds.

I like the gold party strings and the feather mask. I also like the stars on the cake as well as the yellow diamonds.

69. These Mardi Gras cake balls are good enough to pop in your mouth.

I also like how they have green and yellow drizzle as well as have purple wrappers on them. Still, I hope these have chocolate filling in them or I won't be happy.

I also like how they have green and yellow drizzle as well as have purple wrappers on them. Still, I hope these have chocolate filling in them or I won’t be happy.

70. For Mardi Gras, mask cupcakes are a festive sight, especially with decorations.

They may not be for children under 3 years old. Yet, they certainly look great for a party on Mardi Gras.

They may not be for children under 3 years old. Yet, they certainly look great for a party on Mardi Gras.

Dig Into These Groundhog Day Treats

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Groundhog Day is a cultural holiday on February 2nd which revolves around a certain rodent coming out of its burrow to see its shadow, which will determine the weather conditions in the coming weeks (not really). If it sees its shadow, then it’s 6 more weeks of winter. If it doesn’t, early spring or so the legend says. If it comes out of its burrow situated on the wrong side of the road, then it’s basically roadkill (just kidding, but that one is probably true). Now I am no believer in rodent weather meteorology and I can even say that human meteorologists aren’t accurate on the local news. Hell, the closest thing I come to when celebrating Groundhog Day is basically watching part of The AMC marathon of Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray when Punxatawney Phil not only sees his shadow on that particular day but every day. Yet, in some parts of Pennsylvania, Groundhog Day is taken very seriously. In the southeast part of the state, Groundhog Lodges celebrate the holiday with fersommlinge, social events in which food is served, speeches are made, and one or more g’spiel (plays or skits) are performed for entertainment. At this event, only the Pennsylvania German dialect is spoken and those speaking English must pay a fee in a bowl at the center table. Yet, the largest Groundhog Day celebration is in Punxsutawney where crowds of as much as 40,000 gather to see Punxsutawney Phil see his shadow. This event has been a town staple since 1886 and is still going strong, especially since the move Groundhog Day. There’s also a lot of partying going on in the area as well. So if you need to make some treats for Groundhog Day, then come no further than me for some suggestions. So without further adieu, I give you some Groundhog Day treats for your viewing pleasure.

1. Nothing would please your party guests more than these adorable groundhog popping cupcakes.

I'm not sure if the groundhogs are edible. Yet, I am absolutely certain that the green icing will make your tongues green for awhile. Still, adorable.

I’m not sure if the groundhogs are edible. Yet, I am absolutely certain that the green icing will make your tongues green for awhile. Still, adorable.

2. See that these cupcakes depict Punxsutawney Phil coming out from his little den.

Of course, the icing seems like it's either yellow snow or light brown dirt. Yet, at least the groundhogs are basically cuter than the real thing (which isn't much to look at).

Of course, the icing seems like it’s either yellow snow or light brown dirt. Yet, at least the groundhogs are basically cuter than the real thing (which isn’t much to look at).

3. Nothing hits the spot this Groundhog day than some groundhog pudding.

Now I like how this cute groundhog looks with his face, paws, and ears being made from vanilla wafers. Still, I bet the eyes, nose, and teeth are icing.

Now I like how this cute groundhog looks with his face, paws, and ears being made from vanilla wafers. Still, I bet the eyes, nose, and teeth are icing.

4. Treat your kids this Groundhog Day with these tasty groundhog cookies.

Now these are just so cute. Wonder where they could get those groundhog cookie cutters. Still, would be a shame seeing them get run over by a car, wouldn't it?

Now these are just so cute. Wonder where they could get those groundhog cookie cutters. Still, would be a shame seeing them get run over by a car, wouldn’t it?

5. No Groundhog Day party is complete without a cake of Punxsutawney Phil rising from the ground.

Now this cake groundhog seems to resemble a bear with buck teeth. Or one of those animals from Whack-A-Mole. Still, this should feed plenty of your guests.

Now this cake groundhog seems to resemble a bear with buck teeth. Or one of those animals from Whack-A-Mole. Still, this should feed plenty of your guests.

6. Nothing graces a Groundhog Day party table than acorn pretzels.

I like how these pretzels are filled with peanut butter and are half covered in chocolate. Can I take one, please?

I like how these pretzels are filled with peanut butter and are half covered in chocolate. Can I take one, please?

7. Of course, you don’t always need pretzels to make acorns.

Now these are made of Hershey's kisses, peanut butter chocolate chips, white icing, and vanilla wafers. Seem to have the same effect as peanut butter sandwich cookies from my Thanksgiving post.

Now these are made of Hershey’s kisses, peanut butter chocolate chips, white icing, and vanilla wafers. Seem to have the same effect as peanut butter sandwich cookies from my Thanksgiving post.

8. Now you can’t make candy groundhogs without Almond Joy can you? Or at least I think it’s Almond Joy.

Now these groundhogs sure are cute. However, I think that Almond Joy bars are disgusting since they're filled with coconut. Then again, these could be peanut cookies with nuts on top of them.

Now these groundhogs sure are cute. However, I think that Almond Joy bars are disgusting since they’re filled with coconut. Then again, these could be peanut cookies with nuts on top of them.

9. Celebrate your Groundhog Day with this one of a kind cake of Bill Murray.

Because if you're Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, every day is Groundhog Day. Of course, we've all seen the movie have we? I mean it's on AMC on February 2 for 24 hours, since it's kind of the point.

Because if you’re Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, every day is Groundhog Day. Of course, we’ve all seen the movie have we? I mean it’s on AMC on February 2 for 24 hours, since it’s kind of the point.

10. This groundhog cake is staring right at me.

I'm not sure if Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow through the chocolate dirt. Yet, I can't help thinking how adorable he is, which is a lot of what I can say about most groundhogs, particularly Gus who was the spokesman for the Pennsylvania Lottery.

I’m not sure if Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow through the chocolate dirt. Yet, I can’t help thinking how adorable he is, which is a lot of what I can say about most groundhogs, particularly Gus who was the spokesman for the Pennsylvania Lottery.

11. For those who don’t like cake, then here is a nice Groundhog Day fruit tart.

I call this a tart because it seems like it's on a smaller plate. Yet, I'm sure this groundhog looks as if it's been run over or something. Somehow it looks like either a bear or possum.

I call this a tart because it seems like it’s on a smaller plate. Yet, I’m sure this groundhog looks as if it’s been run over or something. Somehow it looks like either a bear or possum.

12. For your Groundhog Day party, how about some groundhog pizza to make it more festive?

Now this contains tomato sauce, olives, peppers, tomatoes, and cheese. Yet, it seems to resemble a groundhog's insides for some reason. I don't know why.

Now this contains tomato sauce, olives, peppers, tomatoes, and cheese. Yet, it seems to resemble a groundhog’s insides for some reason. I don’t know why.

13. Wake up in the morning to these Groundhog Day jelly donuts.

Of course you can tell they have jelly in them because there are fruit in the their eyes. Best treat you can give to your neighborhood Punxsutawney police officer. Seriously, they'll need it.

Of course you can tell they have jelly in them because there are fruit in the their eyes. Best treat you can give to your neighborhood Punxsutawney police officer. Seriously, they’ll need it.

14. Have your kid eat lunch on Groundhog Day with this one of a kind groundhog lunch sandwich.

Okay, now the ground is made from a whole wheat tortilla while the groundhog is made from bread. The grass is of lettuce and cucumber. And the white stuff of cheese. Yet, I'm sure your child will love it since it's so cute.

Okay, now the ground is made from a whole wheat tortilla while the groundhog is made from bread. The grass is of lettuce and cucumber. And the white stuff of cheese. Yet, I’m sure your child will love it since it’s so cute.

15. Now let’s see if this little guy could see his shadow.

Now it seems that Punxsutawney Phil is coming out of his den as if it's an egg shell. However, I like how they use a flower and snow just to blend both possibilities.

Now it seems that Punxsutawney Phil is coming out of his den as if it’s an egg shell. However, I like how they use a flower and snow just to blend both possibilities.

16. Treat your kids this Groundhog day with these groundhog cake pops.

Of course, you have sprinkles for the hair as well as M&Ms for the cheeks and ears. As for the eyes and nose, I bet you they're candy. Still, adorable.

Of course, you have sprinkles for the hair as well as M&Ms for the cheeks and ears. As for the eyes and nose, I bet you they’re candy. Still, adorable.

17. Of course, you can’t have Groundhog Day without these groundhog heart cookies.

I like how the ears are made from chocolate chips and the eyes from icing and peanut butter chips as well. Yet, I'm not sure using a raisin for a nose is a great idea. Because I don't like raisins.

I like how the ears are made from chocolate chips and the eyes from icing and peanut butter chips as well. Yet, I’m not sure using a raisin for a nose is a great idea. Because I don’t like raisins.

18. Will Punxsutawney Phil see his shadow over the giant wall of chocolate bundt?

Now I like how this person used flour for snow on this chocolate bundt cake. And I think the groundhog in the center is just so adorable.

Now I like how this person used flour for snow on this chocolate bundt cake. And I think the groundhog in the center is just so adorable.

19. Now you can make your Groundhog Day cupcakes with Oreos and M&Ms for the groundhog’s face.

Now these M&Ms can come in many different colors so there are plenty of groundhog kinds to choose from. I'll take the one with the blue cheeks, please.

Now these M&Ms can come in many different colors so there are plenty of groundhog kinds to choose from. I’ll take the one with the blue cheeks, please.

20. Nothing makes Groundhog Day better than a cheese ball of Gobbler’s Knob.

Sure I think the groundhog might not be edible but there aren't a lot of Groundhog Day food ideas on Google Images. So I'll take it.

Sure I think the groundhog might not be edible but there aren’t a lot of Groundhog Day food ideas on Google Images. So I’ll take it.

21. As a side dish for your Groundhog Day dinner, have a helping of these little groundhog buns.

I like how they're in these little cups as if they're coming out of their dens. Also like their cute little ears, too.

I like how they’re in these little cups as if they’re coming out of their dens. Also like their cute little ears, too.

22. Entertain your guests this Groundhog Day with these cookies of Punxsutawney Phil coming out of his den.

I like how they used the teddy bear heads and made them pop out of their holes. Also like the use of sugar and icing as if it was dirt. Still, these are adorable.

I like how they used the teddy bear heads and made them pop out of their holes. Also like the use of sugar and icing as if it was dirt. Still, these are adorable.

23. Now nobody should celebrate Groundhog Day without these dirt pudding bowls.

Of course, these groundhogs are made from sandwich cookies, chocolate chips, almonds, peanut butter chips, and icing. Still, the Oreo dirt can also stand in for asphalt. Just saying.

Of course, these groundhogs are made from sandwich cookies, chocolate chips, almonds, peanut butter chips, and icing. Still, the Oreo dirt can also stand in for asphalt. Just saying.

24. Wake up from your den this Groundhog Day morning with this groundhog face pancake.

He many not be able to see his own shadow, but he may be able to see yours. Still, you have to admire how this person used bananas, marshmallows, and chocolate chips for the features.

He many not be able to see his own shadow, but he may be able to see yours. Still, you have to admire how this person used bananas, marshmallows, and chocolate chips for the features.

25. If you don’t like groundhog pancakes for breakfast, I’m sure these groundhog donuts will catch your fancy.

Actually these Groundhog Day doughnut treats are better suited for dessert than breakfast. Yet, they still use the same kind of sandwich cookies as the previous pudding ones.

Actually these Groundhog Day donut treats are better suited for dessert than breakfast. Yet, they still use the same kind of sandwich cookies as the previous pudding ones.

26. Experience how Punxsutawney Phil gets out of his den with these Groundhog Day push pops.

Of course, these are probably mostly made from icing and cake as well as other toppings like sprinkles for grass. Still, this is very cute.

Of course, these are probably mostly made from icing and cake as well as other toppings like sprinkles for grass. Still, this is very cute.

27. Whether it be 6 more weeks of winter or an early spring, you can’t have a Groundhog Day dinner without a groundhog hotdog.

As seen here, you can use your groundhog hotdog in buns or mashed potatoes. Yet, I'm not sure how they got the ears.

As seen here, you can use your groundhog hotdog in buns or mashed potatoes. Yet, I’m not sure how they got the ears for these though.

28. If you’re not keen with the groundhog getting out of his den, here are some cupcakes with its face on them.

Now these seem to resemble all kinds of rodents like wood chuks or beavers. Still, they're adorable with their chocolate chip and icing eyes as well as buck teeth.

Now these seem to resemble all kinds of rodents like wood chuks or beavers. Still, they’re adorable with their chocolate chip and icing eyes as well as buck teeth.

29. Come out of your den this Groundhog day with this little sausage rodent in rice.

Of course, it seems to be in with some veggies and grapes. Yet, I'm sure it's made from ground beef. I just used "sausage" because it's shaped that way.

Of course, it seems to be in with some veggies and grapes. Yet, I’m sure it’s made from ground beef. I just used “sausage” because it’s shaped that way.

30. Treat your guests this Groundhog Day with these pop up groundhog cookies.

Of course it's fair to say that these groundhogs are made from candy bars or chocolate. Yet, they're still quite adorable. And the cookies actually look like dirt.

Of course it’s fair to say that these groundhogs are made from candy bars or chocolate. Yet, they’re still quite adorable. And the cookies actually look like dirt.

31. Nothing makes a Groundhog Day dinner complete than a groundhog meatloaf.

Now despite being made from ground meat, this one doesn't look very pleasant for some reason. Yet, you have to love its whiskers.

Now despite being made from ground meat, this one doesn’t look very pleasant for some reason. Yet, you have to love its whiskers.

32. If you can’t create groundhogs, then I suppose bear cookies will do just fine.

Well, of course, some of the crumbs serve as dirt as well but light soil means clay. Also, the cupcake is covered in green sprinkles for grass.

Well, of course, some of the crumbs serve as dirt as well but light soil means clay. Also, the cupcake is covered in green sprinkles for grass.

33. Looks like there are a lot of groundhogs popping from this cake.

I like how all the groundhog cake pops are attached to this green cake, which I think is charming. Also, those groundhogs are quite cute if I do say so myself.

I like how all the groundhog cake pops are attached to this green cake, which I think is charming. Also, those groundhogs are quite cute if I do say so myself.

34. Of course, you can’t do wrong on Groundhog Day with these pop up cookies.

If these were Halloween cookies, they'd work well as tombstones. Yet, I guess chocolate covered cookies were used for groundhogs.

If these were Halloween cookies, they’d work well as tombstones. Yet, I guess chocolate covered cookies were used for groundhogs.

35. If you don’t have any chocolate pudding perhaps chocolate chips and ice cream can substitute for dirt just fine.

Of course, I'm not sure if chocolate ice cream would make this taste better. However, I do like how they used vanilla wafers as groundhogs and almond ears.

Of course, I’m not sure if chocolate ice cream would make this taste better. However, I do like how they used vanilla wafers as groundhogs and almond ears.

36. Of course, you don’t need icing for a groundhog cupcake if you can use a Snicker’s bar.

 And I suppose the teeth are made from candy corn possibly left over from Halloween. Not to mention, the grass and snow probably consist of coconut. Yet, each setting is to highlight the 2 possible outcomes.


And I suppose the teeth are made from candy corn possibly left over from Halloween. Not to mention, the grass and snow probably consist of coconut. Yet, each setting is to highlight the 2 possible outcomes.

37. If you’re in the mood for ice cream on February 2nd, perhaps try this groundhog sundae.

This might contain chocolate ice cream, chocolate pudding, whipped cream, and a nut bar. Still, it looks pretty cute but may cause diabetes or a sugar high.

This might contain chocolate ice cream, chocolate pudding, whipped cream, and a nut bar. Still, it looks pretty cute but may cause diabetes or a sugar high.

38. These groundhog donuts are certainly a real treat.

Now white donuts symbolize 6 more weeks of winter while chocolate ones stand in for early spring. Either way, the groundhogs are very adorable with the buck marshmallow teeth and chocolate chip eyes and noses.

Now white donuts symbolize 6 more weeks of winter while chocolate ones stand in for early spring. Either way, the groundhogs are very adorable with the buck marshmallow teeth and chocolate chip eyes and noses.

39. Of course, these marshmallow teddy bears would make fine groundhogs for these cookies.

Of course, these sugar covered marshmallow candies are hardly edible stuff. Yet, these cookies look so adorable just the same.

Of course, these sugar covered marshmallow candies are hardly edible stuff. Yet, these cookies look so adorable just the same.

40. Of course these peanut sandwich cookies should do nicely for your Groundhog Day cupcakes.

Of course, the chocolate icing is already sprinkled with green sugar that would've been better put to use on Saint Patrick's Day. Still, I'm sure they're cute enough for kids to love.

Of course, the chocolate icing is already sprinkled with green sugar that would’ve been better put to use on Saint Patrick’s Day. Still, I’m sure they’re cute enough for kids to love.

Fun with Action Figures

Let’s get one thing straight. Action figures are basically dolls, no matter how you look at it. Sure you may not treat them like a baby doll but c’mon, the inspiration for G. I. Joe was Barbie. Not to mention, they can sometimes have hair and removable clothes as well as have moveable parts. But unlike most of the traditional dolls you think of, they’re mainly for boys (but could be for either sex) usually consisting of superheroes and popular characters from their Saturday morning cartoons. I know franchises love selling action figures since it gives them lots of money in more ways than ticket or DVD sales. Merchandising popular media was partly the reason why Disney has become the conglomerate it has.Of course, we all had them at one time in our childhood or another. Nevertheless, while some of these figures I’ll show might be remnants from your childhood, others go on the unconventional of what many would see what an action figure could be. And some of them will tend to make you question their very existence. So without further adieu, here are some wonderful and not so wonderful action figurines you might want to see.

1. From the Six Million Dollar Man, we have the Bionic Bigfoot.

You can press Bionic Bigfoot's crotch to reveal his insides. Nevertheless, this basically the closest thing you'll find to a Sasquatch Beast than anything you'd see on The History Channel.

You can press Bionic Bigfoot’s crotch to reveal his insides. Nevertheless, this basically the closest thing you’ll find to a Sasquatch Beast than anything you’d see on The History Channel.

2. Sail the high seas robbing merchant ships with the notorious Bristol born pirate Captain Blackbeard.

Of course, he comes with multiple guns and a big ass 17th century sword. Nevertheless, unlike the real Blackbeard, he doesn't set fire to his beard or shoot members of his crew (allegedly). Also, though not a nice man, his cruelty might be exaggerated for publicity's sake.

Of course, he comes with multiple guns and a big ass 17th century sword. Nevertheless, unlike the real Blackbeard, he doesn’t set fire to his beard, contract STDs, or shoot members of his crew (allegedly). Also, though not a nice man, his cruelty might be exaggerated for publicity’s sake.

3. Give your son a male nurse action figure to encourage him in the nursing profession.

Comes with his own stethoscope and X-Ray. Nevertheless, even if a boy does have aspirations of being a male nurse, I highly doubt he'd want this action figure. Seriously, I applaud for trying to bring down gender stereotypes but boys will still find this one lame.

Comes with his own stethoscope and X-Ray. Nevertheless, even if a boy does have aspirations of being a male nurse, I highly doubt he’d want this action figure. Seriously, I applaud for trying to bring down gender stereotypes but boys will still find this one lame.

4. Introduce your kids to the first and world’s greatest escape artist, the one and only Harry Houdini.

Comes with his own chair, handcuffs, straitjacket, rope, and leg irons. Of course, the only thing that he can't escape is a burst appendix in 1926. Then again, he basically inspired such "magicians" as David Blaine and Criss Angel.

Comes with his own chair, handcuffs, straitjacket, rope, and leg irons. Of course, the only thing that he can’t escape is a burst appendix in 1926. Then again, he basically inspired such “magicians” as David Blaine and Criss Angel.

5. As far as writer action figures go, nobody could beat the wit and witticisms of Oscar Wilde.

Of course, he will kick anyone who'd mess with him with his pimp cane while dressed in his flamboyant Victorian outfit. Nevertheless, his witticisms won't protect him in the 1890s when he's outed and imprisoned for homosexuality.

Of course, he will kick anyone who’d mess with him with his pimp cane while dressed in his flamboyant Victorian outfit. Nevertheless, his witticisms won’t protect him in the 1890s when he’s outed and imprisoned for homosexuality.

6. As Johann Sebastian Bach said, “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

Sure he comes with his own seat. Yet, most of the time you'll find him at church all day as the organist which means he has to sweep the floors, instruct the choir, and compose a new cantata by Sunday. All while supporting a family that would have 10 out 20 children survive to adulthood. Yet, he won't get any recognition of his music until Felix Mendlesohn discovered him in the 1800s.

Sure he comes with his own seat. Yet, most of the time you’ll find him at church all day as the organist which means he has to sweep the floors, instruct the choir, and compose a new cantata by Sunday. All while supporting a family that would have 10 out 20 children survive to adulthood. Yet, he won’t get any recognition of his music until Felix Mendelssohn discovered him in the 1800s.

7. Recreate the world of Prohibition and the 1920s underworld with gangster Lt. Commander Data?

Seriously, why have an android in a 1920s gangster outfit with his own gun, glass, booze bottle, and typewriter? Did Next Generation have a 1920s Prohibition episode? I mean at least 1920s action figures of Kirk and Spock would make more sense.

Seriously, why have an android in a 1920s gangster outfit with his own gun, glass, booze bottle, and typewriter? Did Next Generation have a 1920s Prohibition episode? I mean at least 1920s action figures of Kirk and Spock would make more sense.

8. Under the cover of night, medieval archer Batman lurks in the forests outside ye olde Gotham City.

From io9: "If modern Batman refuses to use firearms, shouldn't medieval Batman refuse to resort to archery? Just saying." Yeah, I guess this person has a point. Nevertheless, he does have a big ass longbow. Still, wonder why they don't have Batman as a medieval knight.

From io9: “If modern Batman refuses to use firearms, shouldn’t medieval Batman refuse to resort to archery? Just saying.” Yeah, I guess this person has a point. Nevertheless, he does have a big ass longbow. Still, wonder why they don’t have Batman as a medieval knight. I mean wouldn’t it make more sense to have him be one instead of one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men?

9. Kick ass in medieval and Warring States Japan with this Samurai Batman,

From Amazon: "The legendary figure of Batman existed in ancient Japan as Samurai Batman, a brave and strong warrior who pitted his skills against the evil warlords, or "daimyo". Armed with his powerful, slashing "no-dachi" sword and protected by a customized samurai armor costume, Samurai Batman swept across the countryside, cutting down villainy and protecting villages at every turn. On the battlefield, Samurai Batman could always be identified by his "hata-jirushi" banner which streamed behind him in every conflict, striking fear into the hearts of his opponents. Samurai Batman's glittering new metallic costume dazzles his opponents, allowing him precious seconds to strike! This red-carded repainted variant was only available in the Warner Brothers stores." Really, protecting villages? I mean samurai were the "daimyo" lackeys for God's sake.  And they basically were no better than your standard medieval soldier in Europe. Still, I think "Ninja Batman" would make more sense since most Japanese ninjas were samurai anyway.

From Amazon: “The legendary figure of Batman existed in ancient Japan as Samurai Batman, a brave and strong warrior who pitted his skills against the evil warlords, or “daimyo”. Armed with his powerful, slashing “no-dachi” sword and protected by a customized samurai armor costume, Samurai Batman swept across the countryside, cutting down villainy and protecting villages at every turn. On the battlefield, Samurai Batman could always be identified by his “hata-jirushi” banner which streamed behind him in every conflict, striking fear into the hearts of his opponents. Samurai Batman’s glittering new metallic costume dazzles his opponents, allowing him precious seconds to strike!” Really, protecting villages? I mean samurai were the daimyo’s vassals.  Still, I think “Ninja Batman” would make more sense since most Japanese ninjas were samurai anyway.

10. For those who love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and westerns, you will love this Bandito Michelangelo.

This is sort of a cross between TNMT and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. And I can see Bandito Mike say, "Badges, to god-damned hell with badges! We have no badges. In fact, we don't need badges. And cowabunga with the pizza, dude!"

This is sort of a cross between TNMT and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. And I can see Bandito Mike say, “Badges, to god-damned hell with badges! We have no badges. In fact, we don’t need badges, cowabunga, dude!”

11. Compose your own 5th Symphony with an action figure of Ludwig van Beethoven.

This would've been a perfect toy for Schroeder from Peanuts since he's a big Beethoven fan. Still, he's basically the quintessential great composer known for going deaf, having messy digs and poor hygiene, violent mood swings, and a possible death from lead poisoning.

This would’ve been a perfect toy for Schroeder from Peanuts since he’s a big Beethoven fan. Still, he’s basically the quintessential great composer known for going deaf, having messy digs and poor hygiene, violent mood swings, and a possible death from lead poisoning. Ear trumpets not included.

12. These sports playing Spiderman action figures will do well with any boy on your list.

For one, Spiderman is supposed to be Peter Parker who is better known for getting bullied by jocks than actually be one. Secondly, if Spiderman played sports, he'd do it as Peter Parker without the suit on in the first place. Seriously, why do these figures even exist?

For one, Spiderman is supposed to be Peter Parker who is better known for getting bullied by jocks than actually be one. Secondly, if Spiderman played sports, he’d do it as Peter Parker without the suit on in the first place. Also, I’m sure radioactive spider venom is an illegal performance enhancing substance. Seriously, why do these figures even exist?

13. Free the Hebrews of Egypt and let your people go with this action figure of Moses.

Comes with Ten Commandments and staff. Staff doesn't change into snake nor does it part the Red Sea. Yet, don't put him near any Golden Calves. Also, has a very nasty temper.

Comes with Ten Commandments and staff. Staff doesn’t change into snake nor does it part the Red Sea. Yet, don’t put him near any Golden Calves. Also, has a very nasty temper.

14. There’s never a problem that can be solved with Nancy Pearl Deluxe Librarian Action Figure.

Comes with her own computer, desk, and book collection. Of course, you must keep quiet around her at all times since people are trying to read at the library, you know.

Comes with her own computer, book cart, and book collection. Of course, you must keep quiet around her at all times since people are trying to read at the library, you know.

15. Make sure your action figures have their needs met with this school lunch lady action figure.

Comes with lunch counter, scoop, food tray and 9 lunch stickers that includes fish sticks and jello. Yet, keep in mind that she possesses a secret superpower called, "mystery meat."

Comes with lunch counter, scoop, food tray and 9 lunch stickers that includes fish sticks and jello. Yet, keep in mind that she possesses a secret superpower called, “mystery meat.”

16. No one can ever cross the wretched lair of the crazy cat lady.

This animal hoarder comes with 6 different kind of cats besides the one on her neck. Of course, it's unknown whether they're fixed or breeding into the feral population. Yet, expect her on the evening news.

This animal hoarder comes with 6 different kind of cats besides the one on her neck. Of course, it’s unknown whether they’re fixed or breeding into the feral population. Yet, expect to see her on the evening news when she gets arrested for animal cruelty.

17. For the aspiring business major in college, an action figure of marketing guru Seth Godin makes a great gift.

Comes with a self-help book and mismatched socks. Of course, he's a real guy who's actually wrote a bunch of books and has a blog as well as a website called Squidoo. So yes, he's real.

Comes with a self-help book and mismatched socks. Of course, he’s a real guy who’s actually wrote a bunch of books and has a blog as well as a website called Squidoo. So yes, he’s real.

18. Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead with this dead collector action figure.

Comes with his triangle and wooden club. Death cart not included. Courtesy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Want this.

Comes with his triangle and wooden club. Death cart not included. Courtesy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Want this.

19. Protect your castle with this Rude Frenchman action figure from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Yes, they have a French Taunter action figure, too!  Sure nothing would make it any better than to have it say things like, "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

Yes, they have a French Taunter action figure, too! Sure nothing would make it any better than to have it say things like, “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

20. Show your kids the true value of Jesus’ message with this Camo Jesus “I Am Peace” action figure.

Comes with his own battle gear, soldier helmet, machine gun, dove, and golden crown of thorns. Okay, you know Jesus came to this world to advocate peace, right? So why is he full decked in camo and battle gear? I mean you don't wear all that for dove hunting.

Comes with his own battle gear, soldier helmet, machine gun, dove, and golden crown of thorns. Okay, you know Jesus came to this world to advocate peace, right? So why is he full decked in camo and battle gear? I mean you don’t wear all that for dove hunting.

21. Be all dressed to pick up chicks at your fancy dress masquerade with this Casanova action figure.

Comes with his own pull away mask that he could put on in his tireless pursuit of adventure. From Amazon: "Giovanni Giacomo Casanova was a soldier, an author, a spy, a gambler and a librarian. But all of those things pale in comparison to his reputation as a lover. His memoirs contain detailed accounts of his intimate relations with over 100 women!" Unfortunately, sexual conquests and memoirs not included. Yet, I'd rather have this guy than Christian Grey or Edward Cullen.

Comes with his own pull away mask that he could put on in his tireless pursuit of adventure. From Amazon: “Giovanni Giacomo Casanova was a soldier, an author, a spy, a gambler and a librarian. But all of those things pale in comparison to his reputation as a lover. His memoirs contain detailed accounts of his intimate relations with over 100 women!” Unfortunately, sexual conquests and memoirs not included. Yet, I’d rather have this guy than Christian Grey or Edward Cullen despite the possibility Casanova may have STDs.

22. Bring in the Spirit of the French Revolution with this action figure of the Austrian born French Queen Marie Antoinette.

Comes with a removable dress, removable wig, and removable head. Of course, though a subject of great controversy with her extravagant lifestyle (though not the only one to blame), she was more of a scapegoat since she knew nothing of her incompetent husband's policy. All the bad stuff said about her was just all French Revolution Era propaganda.

Comes with a removable dress, removable wig, and removable head. Of course, though a subject of great controversy with her extravagant lifestyle (though not the only one to blame), she was more of a scapegoat since she knew nothing of her incompetent husband’s policy. All the bad stuff said about her was just all French Revolution Era propaganda.

23. Travel down on the farm with Farmer Donatello and his wife-beater wearing crow on his tractor.

Comes with a scythe, pick, tractor, and wife-beater wearing crow. Still, why does Donatello have a corn cob pipe in his mouth? Aren't cartoon superheroes supposed to set a good example? Still, this is pretty lame.

Comes with a scythe, pick, tractor, and wife-beater wearing crow. Still, why does Donatello have a corn cob pipe in his mouth? Aren’t cartoon superheroes supposed to set a good example? Still, this is pretty lame.

24. Travel back in the Stone Age ring with this Rocky II caveman action figure.

Comes in a saber tooth tiger outfit equipped with his own club. Of course, when you think about it, Stallone really can be a convincing Cro Magnon but that's all I can say about his acting range.

Comes in a saber tooth tiger outfit equipped with his own club. Of course, when you think about it, Stallone really can be a convincing Cro Magnon but that’s all I can say about his acting range.

25. Have an Hawaiian adventure with “Chuckles” G. I. Joe.

Or as I call it, "G. I. Joe attending a Jimmy Buffet concert." Yes, soon he'll be wasting away again in Margaritaville. And possibly the only adventure he'll go on is searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Or as I call it, “G. I. Joe attending a Jimmy Buffet concert.” Yes, soon he’ll be wasting away again in Margaritaville. And possibly the only adventure he’ll go on is searching for his lost shaker of salt.

26. Join Batman in defeating the Penguin’s henchmen consisting of Commando Penguins.

So there you go kids, the Penguin's henchmen are actually real penguins with little penguin weapons they could use. Well, until they have to back to their breeding grounds and pass eggs to each other. Of course, Cracked may have it right saying, "There's no way enough of these toys sold to offset the cost of the liquor it took to design them."

So there you go kids, the Penguin’s henchmen are actually real penguins with little penguin weapons they could use. Well, until they have to back to their breeding grounds and pass eggs to each other. Of course, Cracked may have it right saying, “There’s no way enough of these toys sold to offset the cost of the liquor it took to design them.”

27. Go undercover with Ravishing Reporter April O’Neil in the seedy underworld of prostitution, which is an adventure that doesn’t include the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Comes with dagger and detachable skirt. Purpose mostly is for basically to fuel adolescent fantasies. Still, there's no doubt that April's supposed to be of the oldest profession here but seriously, sex trafficking isn't an appropriate subject for a Saturday morning cartoon.

Comes with dagger, video camera, makeup brush battle bro, katana blade curling iron, lipstick nunchucku, and detachable skirt. Purpose mostly is for basically to fuel adolescent fantasies. Still, there’s no doubt that April’s supposed to be of the oldest profession here but seriously, sex trafficking isn’t an appropriate subject for a Saturday morning cartoon.

28. Paint your masterpiece with the help of this action figure of the tortured artist Vincent van Gogh.

Comes with an easel, 4 paintings, a frame, pallet, paintbrush, and 2 detachable heads. One of the normal van Gogh and one after he cut off part of his ear. May suffer from malnutrition, violent mood swings, money problems, and suicidal tendencies. Available until he gets shot in an open field.

Comes with an easel, 4 paintings, a frame, pallet, paintbrush, and 2 detachable heads. One of the normal van Gogh and one after he cut off part of his ear. May suffer from malnutrition, violent mood swings, money problems, and suicidal tendencies. Available until he gets shot in an open field.

29. If you bring your loved one a shrubbery, perhaps a Knight of Ni action figure would do nicely.

Comes with antler helmet, fur outfit, and herring. Shrubbery not included. Still, those who hear the Knights Who Say Ni seldom live to tell the tale! I mean they're keepers of the sacred words Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom! Still, if they try forcing you to cut down a tree with a herring, try saying "it."

Comes with antler helmet, fur outfit, and herring. Shrubbery not included. Still, those who hear the Knights Who Say Ni seldom live to tell the tale! I mean they’re keepers of the sacred words Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom! Still, if they try forcing you to cut down a tree with a herring, try saying “it.”

30. No Catholic boy who’s had his First Holy Communion should go without an action figure of His Holiness himself.

Comes with a holy cross kali stick, a walther PPK handgun, and wearing a Vatican assault uniform? Jesus Christ, why the fuck does this exist? Seriously, the Holy Pontiff doesn't even have all that stuff! Still, I'd love to sent one of these to Pope Francis to see what he thinks. Probably would give the holy facepalm.

Comes with a holy cross kali stick, a Walther PPK handgun, and wearing a Vatican assault uniform? Jesus Christ, why the fuck does this exist? Seriously, the Holy Pontiff doesn’t even have all that stuff! Still, I’d love to sent one of these to Pope Francis to see what he thinks. Probably would give the holy facepalm. I mean this goes against everything the Holy Office stands for.

31. For the psychology major in your life, why don’t you give them an action figure of Dr. Sigmund Freud?

Comes with cigar, couch not included. Also, said to talk saying, "Tell me about your mother." Amazon states, "Put him on your desk or nightstand to inspire you to explore the depths of your unconscious and embrace the symbolism of your dreams. " Creepy.

Comes with cigar, couch not included. Also, said to talk saying, “Tell me about your mother.” Amazon states, “Put him on your desk or nightstand to inspire you to explore the depths of your unconscious and embrace the symbolism of your dreams. ” Creepy. Also said to be very into cocaine.

32. If you love Richard Wagner’s Ring Cycle operas, then you’ll love this Wagner action figure.

Comes with baton, an ego the size of Germany, and rampant antisemitism. Nevertheless, don't make his fandom among the Nazis discourage you. Still, you can hear his music in a famed Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Comes with baton, an ego the size of Germany, and rampant antisemitism. Nevertheless, don’t make his fandom among the Nazis discourage you. Still, you can hear his music in a famed Bugs Bunny cartoon.

33. For you girls who enjoy literature from the British Regency, here’s your own one of a kind Jane Austen action figure.

Comes with book, writing desk, and quill pen. Mr. Darcy and Lizzy Bennett not included. Also available in pink. Nevertheless, if you think Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was controversial, you should've seen the British establishment when she came on the literary scene. I mean they thought the idea of a female novelist was an outrage.

Comes with book, writing desk, and quill pen. Mr. Darcy and Lizzy Bennett not included. Also available in pink. Nevertheless, if you think Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was controversial, you should’ve seen the British establishment in the early 19th century when she came on the literary scene. I mean they thought the idea of a female novelist was an outrage.

34. Revisit all the very bad stuff about Victorian England with this one of a kind action figure of Charles Dickens.

Comes with his very own quill pen. Oliver Twist, Tiny Tim, Little Nell, Wackford Squeers, Sidney Carton, Uriah Heep, Miss Havisham, Little Dorrit, and Ebenezer Scrooge not included. Also, has a bunch of kids and leaves his wife for some actress. The jerk.

Comes with his very own quill pen. Oliver Twist, Tiny Tim, Little Nell, Wackford Squeers, Sidney Carton, Uriah Heep, Miss Havisham, Little Dorrit, and Ebenezer Scrooge not included. Also, has a bunch of kids and leaves his wife for some actress. The jerk.

35. Relive the vibrant culture of Renaissance Florence under the Medicis with this action figure of Renaissance man Leonardo da Vinci.

 Comes with paintbrush, 4 paintings, frame, and easel. Last Supper, sketches, and inventions not included. Moves to France later in life. Not to mention, is gay and left-handed. Also was never involved in  secret organization that believed Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene (sorry, Dan Brown).

Comes with paintbrush, 4 paintings, frame, and easel. Last Supper, sketches, and inventions not included. Moves to France later in life. Not to mention, is gay and left-handed. Also was never involved in secret organization that believed Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene (sorry, Dan Brown).

36. Discover the true meaning of the Gospel with Deluxe Miracle Jesus action figure.

Comes with 2 loves of fishes, 5 loaves of bread, and a water jug that changes water into wine (not really). Cross and 12 apostles not included. Nevertheless, this is actually one of the better Jesus action figures I've seen so far.

Comes with 2 loves of fishes, 5 loaves of bread, and a water jug that changes water into wine (not really). Cross and 12 apostles not included. Nevertheless, this is actually one of the better Jesus action figures I’ve seen so far.

37. Now you can be part of the serial killing action with these Dexter dolls.

The left one is Dexter Kill Suit which comes with apron, scrubs, hand saw, and welder's mask. The right Bif Bang Pow! Dexter comes with a blood slide, knife, and trash bag. Plastic wrap, victim, and other kill room accessories not included.

The left one is Dexter Kill Suit which comes with apron, scrubs, hand saw, and welder’s mask. The right Dexter comes with a blood slide, knife, and trash bag. Plastic wrap, victim, and other kill room accessories not included.

38. Relive the 8th to 11th century Europe as a seafaring Scandinavian raider with this Dog Soldiers Viking action figure.

Comes with shield, sword, axe, dagger, and spear. Nevertheless, unlike what you'd see in popular media representations like on sports team logos and Wagner operas, this is more or less what Vikings actually looked like.

Comes with shield, sword, axe, dagger, and spear. Nevertheless, unlike what you’d see in popular media representations like on sports team logos and Wagner operas, this is more or less what Vikings actually looked like. Seriously, they didn’t wear horned helmets in battle.

39. Enjoy your favorite scary stories from high school English class with this one of a kind action figure of Edgar Allan Poe.

Comes with his own raven that may or may not say "Nevermore." Still, while best known for his tales of mystery and the macabre within American Romantic literature, was also said to invent the detective story. Available until found dead on a street in Baltimore in 1849.

Comes with his own raven that may or may not say “Nevermore.” Still, while best known for his tales of mystery and the macabre within American Romantic literature, was also said to invent the detective story. Available until found dead on a street in Baltimore in 1849.

40. This Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart action figure is bound to kick ass faster than you can say, “Eine Kleine Nacht Musik.

Comes with his own piano stool. Prone to play pranks and compose great operas and concertos. Loves fart jokes and bathroom humor. Available until 1791 when he succumbs to a long illness while composing the Requiem Mass at 35.

Comes with his own piano stool. Prone to play pranks and compose great operas and concertos. Loves fart jokes and bathroom humor. Available until 1791 when he succumbs to a long illness while composing the Requiem Mass at 35.

41. Help your child come out of the closet with Gay Bob.

From Top Tenz: "From his platinum blond hair, tight jeans, plaid shirt, and the whole closet theme, who wouldn’t want this doll? I just love the plethora of stereotypes. Even the way he is positioned is just, perfect. Oh and the best part, it’s made for everyone. Imagine getting this as a present. Boy, the conversations that would go down then." Yeah, I wonder how a kid would react getting this for a birthday present.

From Top Tenz: “From his platinum blond hair, tight jeans, plaid shirt, and the whole closet theme, who wouldn’t want this doll? I just love the plethora of stereotypes. Even the way he is positioned is just, perfect. Oh and the best part, it’s made for everyone. Imagine getting this as a present. Boy, the conversations that would go down then.” Yeah, I wonder how a kid would react getting this for a birthday present.

42. Sword fighting has never been so much fun than with this Black Knight action figure from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Comes with his own sword and removable limbs. Still, even as he's dismembered will still think losing a limb is just a scratch or flesh wound and will still keep fighting. None shall pass, indeed. Of course, at the end tends to say, "Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"

Comes with his own sword and removable limbs. Still, even as he’s dismembered will still think losing a limb is just a scratch or flesh wound and will still keep fighting. None shall pass, indeed. Of course, at the end tends to say, “Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”

43. Have your kid live the high times of the Third Reich with this Adolf Hitler action figure.

Comes with his own hat, Nazi podium, and speakers. Nazis and death camp not included. Still, I would never recommend anyone to get this guy since, well, you know he started WWII and orchestrated the Holocaust. Yet, it just amazes me that there's even a Hitler action figure available. Seriously, why?

Comes with his own hat, Nazi podium, and speakers. Nazis and death camp not included. Still, I would never recommend anyone to get this guy since, well, you know he started WWII and orchestrated the Holocaust. Yet, it just amazes me that there’s even a Hitler action figure available. Seriously, why?

44. Have your son experience the swell service of where Dad held his bachelor party with his very own Hooters girl action figure.

Comes with her own serving dish. Still, I'm certainly not making this up. Yet, even I am baffled as to why such toy exists. Seriously, it's like having a female action figures consisting of strippers and prostitutes. I mean, why?

Comes with her own serving dish. Still, I’m certainly not making this up. Yet, even I am baffled as to why such toy exists. Seriously, it’s like having a female action figures consisting of strippers and prostitutes. I mean, why?

45. Defend American freedom for God and Country with “Enduring Freedom” Jesus.

Comes with his own rocket launcher and ammo as well as canteen, belt, knife, and desert camo. Seriously, what the fuck? In no way can I see the Prince of Peace blowing up guys in the Middle East with his rocket launcher. I wonder what kind of nutjob can ever think of such an inappropriate and possibly offensive toy like this. Seriously, why?

Comes with his own rocket launcher and ammo as well as canteen, belt, knife, and desert camo. Seriously, what the fuck? In no way can I see the Prince of Peace blowing up guys in the Middle East with his rocket launcher. I wonder what kind of nutjob can ever think of such an inappropriate and possibly offensive toy like this. Still, can’t pass this one up.

46. Show your children the meaning of the crucifixion with this crucified Jesus Christ action figure.

Comes with ninja-messiah throwing nails and death-killer cross pumping action over-under shotgun.  What the fuck? And they have Jesus nailed to the cross in pants, sandals, and a vest comparable to a 1st century Rambo. Seriously, this Jesus figure seems more appropriate for Quentin Tarantino film. Unbelievable.

Comes with ninja-messiah throwing nails and death-killer cross pumping action over-under shotgun. What the fuck? And they have Jesus nailed to the cross in pants, sandals, and a vest comparable to a 1st century Rambo so he can rise again in 3 days and take revenge on the authorities who crucified him. Seriously, this Jesus figure seems more appropriate for Quentin Tarantino film. Unbelievable. Still, doesn’t this kind of border on the sacrilegious side? Just saying.

47. For all you well dressed Kiss fans out there, these dolls are dressed to kill.

Of course, I'm sure these guys aren't going to rock n' roll all night or party every day in these designer outfits. Still, I'd love to see how people would react if they attended a fancy dress party in full concert make up. Perhaps it would be like, "Kiss: Live with the New York Philharmonic."

Of course, I’m sure these guys aren’t going to rock n’ roll all night or party every day in these designer outfits. Still, I’d love to see how people would react if they attended a fancy dress party in full concert make up. Perhaps it would be like, “Kiss: Live with the New York Philharmonic.”

48. Explore the meaning of Buddhism and free Tibet with this action figure of the Dalai Lama.

Comes with an A-12 automatic and silencer as well as a self-aiming fire-and-forget laser pistol. What? Okay, now I know Jesus is already ascended into Heaven by now, yet there is still a Dalai Lama around who's exiled in India. And no, he isn't known in Buddhism as a "God of a Thousand Arms." Not to mention, he doesn't even believe in violence. Still, kind of feel tempted to send him one of these.

Comes with an A-12 automatic and silencer as well as a self-aiming fire-and-forget laser pistol. What? Okay, now I know Jesus is already ascended into Heaven by now, yet there is still a Dalai Lama around who’s exiled in India. And no, he isn’t known in Buddhism as a “God of a Thousand Arms.” Not to mention, he doesn’t even believe in violence. Still, kind of feel tempted to send him one of these.

49. Recreate your favorite moments from the retro TV show, The Love Boat.

Okay, these consist of Captain Stubing, Vicki, Julie, Gopher, Isaac, and Doc Bricker. Yeah, and they even have a toy ship sold separately that you can put these figures in. Sure it ran for 8 seasons and was very popular. But still, I don't think a play set tie in would do any favors for the sponsors, especially during the 1980s.

Okay, these consist of Captain Stubing, Vicki, Julie, Gopher, Isaac, and Doc Bricker. Yeah, and they even have a toy ship sold separately that you can put these figures in. Sure it ran for 8 seasons and was very popular. But still, I don’t think a play set tie in would do any favors for the sponsors, especially during the 1980s.

50. Try to get out of being drafted in the Army at  the M*A*S*H 4077th with an action figure depicting Corporal Klinger in drag.

Wardrobe not included. Yes, guys, they made an toy of Klinger in drag. Still, it's actually the most popular toy from the series and goes for a pretty penny on eBay. Yet, imagine getting a toy depicting a guy in pink bloomers and a flower in his hair for your nephew. Yeah, that would be quite traumatic for some parents.

Wardrobe not included. Yes, guys, they made an toy of Klinger in drag. Still, it’s actually the most popular toy from the series and goes for a pretty penny on eBay. Yet, imagine getting a toy depicting a guy in pink bloomers and a flower in his hair for your nephew. Yeah, that would be quite traumatic for some parents.

51. Mexican children need not fear, Mexi-Action El Supermano action figure is here.

Comes with his own sombrero. Nevertheless, I have to admit, Superman sure can pull off that Latin lover look from south of the border. Still, I think Mexican kids would rather have a regular Superman action figure than this one. Not to mention, "hombre" is the correct term for "man" in Spanish.

Comes with his own sombrero. Nevertheless, I have to admit, Superman sure can pull off that Latin lover look from south of the border. Still, I think Mexican kids would rather have a regular Superman action figure than this one. Not to mention, “hombre” is the correct term for “man” in Spanish.

52. Encourage harmful body practices to boys with these Muscle Beach Boys action figures. This one is “Dumbell Dwayne.”

Now really, bodybuilding is just a really terrible thing for any boy to get into. Seriously a lot of those guys take performance enhancing drugs to get in that shape and have an ego spanning a mile wide. Not to mention, they tend to be very aggressive.. Still, Dwayne is what people like my sister call, a "lunk."

Comes with his own weights. Now really, bodybuilding is just a really terrible thing for any boy to get into. Seriously a lot of those guys take performance enhancing drugs to get in that shape and have an ego spanning a mile wide. Not to mention, they tend to be very aggressive.. Still, Dwayne is what people like my sister call, a “lunk.”

53. Celebrate the Christmas season with these action figures from A Christmas Story.

Now this set includes: Ralphie with his Rough Rider BB gun, the Old Man with his Leg Lamp, Flick with his tongue sticking to flag pole, Mom, and Randy. They also have Scut Farkas and Ralphie in a pink bunny suit for those interested.

Now this set includes: Ralphie with his Rough Rider BB gun, the Old Man with his Leg Lamp, Flick with his tongue sticking to flag pole, Mom, and Randy. They also have Scut Farkas and Ralphie in a pink bunny suit for those interested.

54. Make your OCD a blast with this Obsessive Compulsive Man.

Includes a surgical mask and a sanitary, hypo-allergenic, moist towlette. Of course, it's said to inspire you to keep clean by any means necessary. And on the back, there's a card on "A Day in the Life of an OC Action Figure." Nevertheless, I'm not sure if this designer really understood OCD or just did his research by watching Monk.

Includes a surgical mask and a sanitary, hypo-allergenic, moist towlette. Of course, it’s said to inspire you to keep clean by any means necessary. And on the back, there’s a card on “A Day in the Life of an OC Action Figure.” Nevertheless, I’m not sure if this designer really understood OCD or just did his research by watching Monk.

55. For those who wish to relive the glory days of the 2008 election, here’s your very own Sarah Palin action figure.

Now I'm no fan of Sarah Palin at all. I think she's just scary demagogue of the Radical Right of the Republican Party. Yet, I think Top Tenz can say it best: "The grimace on her face is just creepy, for lack of a better word. It just screams, “You betcha!” There’s no way I’d put this thing in my house. For all those men who find Sarah to be sexy, well…this action figure does her no justice. I guess the short skirts, low-cut shirts, and bare mid-drifts do something, but man, that face, that face." Has 3 different outfits.

Now I’m no fan of Sarah Palin at all. I think she’s just scary demagogue of the Radical Right of the Republican Party. Yet, I think Top Tenz can say it best: “The grimace on her face is just creepy, for lack of a better word. It just screams, “You betcha!” There’s no way I’d put this thing in my house. For all those men who find Sarah to be sexy, well…this action figure does her no justice. I guess the short skirts, low-cut shirts, and bare mid-drifts do something, but man, that face, that face.”

56. Show your kid the glory of God the Father Almighty with this bad ass God action figure.

Comes with Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle and hallowed cloak of invulnerability, what? First off, though I believe in God as a Catholic, this action figure  certainly doesn't reflect my religious beliefs. Like myself, I believe God does not desire an AK-47, does not want an AK-47, and has no need of an AK-47. Besides, He's basically invulnerable, all-powerful, and ever-living so why he's equipped with an invulnerable cloak and AK-47 is just plain ridiculous.

Comes with Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle and hallowed cloak of invulnerability, what? First off, though I believe in God as a Catholic, this action figure certainly doesn’t reflect any of my religious beliefs. Like myself, I believe God has no desire for an AK-47, has no want of an AK-47, and has no need of an AK-47. Besides, He’s basically invulnerable, all-powerful, and ever-living so why he’s equipped with an invulnerable cloak and AK-47 is just plain ridiculous.

57. Go on your own Grail quest with this action figure of Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Comes with his own staff and accessories. Magic powers not available. However, please keep him away from fluffy white rabbits and heed the words when he says, "Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it... and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie *strewn* about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth..."

Comes with his own staff and accessories. Magic powers not available. However, please keep him away from fluffy white rabbits and heed the words when he says, “Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it… and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie *strewn* about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth…”

58. Venture Camelot and seek the Holy Grail with these action figures of King Arthur and his knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Now this consists of Arthur, King of the Britons, Sir Bedevere the Wise and Flatulent, Sir Lancelot the Homicidally Brave, Sir Galahad the Not-So-Pure, and Sir Robin the Not-So-Brave as Sir Lancelot. Each come with their own weapons. Coconut banging squires sold separately. Horses. scales, duck, and minstrels not included.

Now this consists of Arthur, King of the Britons, Sir Bedevere the Wise and Flatulent, Sir Lancelot the Homicidally Brave, Sir Galahad the Not-So-Pure, and Sir Robin the Not-So-Brave as Sir Lancelot. Each come with their own weapons. Coconut banging squires sold separately. Horses. scales, duck, and minstrels not included.

59. See what it takes to be a real mom with this Super Mom action figure.

Comes with baby, cell phone, purse, groceries, high heels, sneakers, curler and regular heads, and a long to do list. Absentee workaholic dad, older children, and Xanax not included.

Comes with baby, cell phone, purse, groceries, high heels, sneakers, curler and regular heads, and a long to do list. Absentee workaholic dad, older children, and Xanax not included.

60. Seek the ultimate Nirvana enlightenment with this kick ass Buddha action figure.

Comes with fighting staff Magnum 66 Automatic and invincible holy orange cape. Seriously, wasn't the Buddha known for peace and seeking enlightenment? So why the hell does he have an automatic weapon on him? Looks like Christianity isn't the only religion badly portrayed in action figures.

Comes with fighting staff Magnum 66 Automatic and invincible holy orange cape. Seriously, wasn’t the Buddha known for peace and seeking enlightenment? So why the hell does he have an automatic weapon on him? Looks like Christianity isn’t the only religion badly portrayed in action figures.

61. Go on all kinds of early American adventures with this Benjamin Franklin action figure.

Comes with kite. Printing press, newspaper, Poor Richard's Almanac, inventions, and French whores not included. From Amazon: "Benjamin Franklin did a lot more than fly a kite on his way to becoming one of the most intelligent men in history. At various times throughout his life he was a writer, diplomat, businessman, musician, inventor, scientist, politician, humorist, printer, postmaster, philosopher, and statesman. His many accomplishments include inventing swimming fins and bifocals, establishing the University of Pennsylvania, publishing the Poor Richard's Almanac and signing the Declaration of Independence as a founding father of the United States."

Comes with kite. Printing press, newspaper, Poor Richard’s Almanac, inventions, and French whores not included. From Amazon: “Benjamin Franklin did a lot more than fly a kite on his way to becoming one of the most intelligent men in history. At various times throughout his life he was a writer, diplomat, businessman, musician, inventor, scientist, politician, humorist, printer, postmaster, philosopher, and statesman. His many accomplishments include inventing swimming fins and bifocals, establishing the University of Pennsylvania, publishing the Poor Richard’s Almanac and signing the Declaration of Independence as a founding father of the United States.”

62. All the world’s a stage with an action figure of William Shakespeare.

Comes with a quill and book of his compiled plays. Globe Theater and all-male acting troupe not included. If you're a girl, he may not think you're man enough to play Juliet since women weren't allowed on the English stage until King Charles II. Available in a ye Olde Elizabethan store near you.

Comes with a quill and book of his compiled plays. Globe Theater and all-male acting troupe not included. If you’re a girl, he may not think you’re man enough to play Juliet since women weren’t allowed on the English stage until King Charles II. Available in a ye Olde Elizabethan store near you.

63. Serve up your diner customers with this waitress action figure.

Comes with a serving tray, 2 dishes, tipping chart, explanation of tipping, and list of pet peeves. Hates being shortchanged, sexually harassed, long hours, and her job. Available until she gets a better job that she doesn't have to work at this God forsaken place.

Comes with a serving tray, 2 dishes, tipping chart, explanation of tipping, and list of pet peeves. Hates being shortchanged, sexually harassed, long hours, and her job. Available until she gets a better job that she doesn’t have to work at this God forsaken place.

64. Have a cold one in the Great White North with these Bob and Doug McKenzie action figures.

Both Bob and Doug come with their own chairs as well as cases and bottles of beer. Bob comes with cooler and donuts while Doug comes with camp stove and burgers. Great White North set sold separately.

Both Bob and Doug come with their own chairs as well as cases, cans, and bottles of beer. Bob comes with cooler and donuts while Doug comes with camp stove and burgers. Great White North set sold separately. Talk about accessories inappropriate for children under 21.

65. Discover the joys of chemistry in the illicit methamphetamine underworld of Albuquerque, New Mexico, with these Walter White and Jesse Pinkman action figures from Breaking Bad.

Walt and Jesse each come with gas masks and other accessories depending on season. Meth lab play set might be sold separately. Still, despite being toys, such play sets are made for adults. Nevertheless, some people would want this anyway.

Walt and Jesse each come with gas masks and other accessories depending on season. Meth lab play set might be sold separately. Still, despite being toys, such play sets are made for adults. Nevertheless, some people would want this anyway.

66. Experience the height of the medieval papacy with this formidable Pope Innocent III action figure.

Comes with an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, the power of excommunication, and a removable Pope hat. Sure he wasn't entirely innocent yet he'll make all your other action figures line up for confession. Still, you have to admit, he was instrumental in banning clergy from participating in trial by ordeal in 1215 which would eventually help discontinue its use. So Innocent III wasn't all bad.

Comes with an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, the power of excommunication, and a removable Pope hat. Sure he wasn’t entirely innocent yet he’ll make all your other action figures line up for confession. Still, you have to admit, he was instrumental in banning clergy from participating in trial by ordeal in 1215 which would eventually help discontinue its use. So Innocent III wasn’t all bad to some extent (this by the standards of medieval pontiffs). Hey, at least he’s not equipped with a Walther PPK handgun!

67. Conquer the Eastern Mediterranean, the Middle East, and parts of South Asia with this Alexander the Great.

Comes with sword, shield, and helmet. Of course, by the time he was 25, he had a resume that included him being King of Macedonia, Pharaoh of Egypt and Great King of Persia. Not to mention, founding a world changing empire that would spread Greek culture further than it's ever had before. Has a tendency to name cities after himself, engage in large scale battles, being sexually ambiguous while being married to 2-3 different women at the same time, and dying in Babylon at 32.

Comes with sword, shield, and helmet. Of course, by the time he was 25, he had a resume that included him being King of Macedonia, Pharaoh of Egypt and Great King of Persia. Not to mention, founding a world changing empire that would spread Greek culture further than it’s ever had before. Has a tendency to name cities after himself, engage in large scale battles, being sexually ambiguous while being married to 2-3 different women at the same time, and dying in Babylon at 32.

68. Explore the Theory of Relativity with this action figure of Albert Einstein.

Comes with wild hair like you'd find on a fuzzy troll doll. Available in Germany until the 1930s when his Jewishness forced him to flee to the US where he spent the rest of his life teaching at Princeton. Supports Zionist causes and chases skirts.

Comes with wild hair like you’d find on a fuzzy troll doll. Available in Germany until the 1930s when his Jewishness forced him to flee to the US where he spent the rest of his life teaching at Princeton. Supports Zionist causes and chases skirts.

69. Experience the original Star Wars Trilogy once more with these action figures of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

Basically, I hear that most toy critics declared these the Star Wars action figures most likely to traumatize children. Seriously, Luke's aunt and uncle are literally burnt to a crisp here. And once outside the packaging, you can't really tell the two apart.

Basically, I hear that most toy critics declared these the Star Wars action figures most likely to traumatize children. Seriously, Luke’s aunt and uncle are literally burnt to a crisp here. And once outside the packaging, you can’t really tell the two apart.

70. Have fun at the circus with this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Crazy Clown Mike.

Comes with balloons and stilt legs. Includes a painted face that is bound to give your children nightmares and send them to a lifetime of therapy. Seriously the TNMT toy designers must've been high on something.

Comes with balloons and stilt legs. Includes a painted face that is bound to give your children nightmares and send them to a lifetime of therapy. Seriously the TNMT toy designers must’ve been high on something.

71. Experience the most famous teen vampire romance ever with these action figures for Edward and Bella.

Believe me, these action figures are basically full of as much chemistry, passion, facial expressions, and acting ability that is contained in the whole Twilight series altogether. Just ask my sister.

Believe me, these action figures are basically full of as much chemistry, passion, facial expressions, and acting ability that is contained in the whole Twilight series altogether. Just ask my sister.

72. Save Gotham City as Slalom Racer Batman on rocket skis.

Uh, Batman, Wiley E. Coyote called. He needs his gear back so he could, well, you know chase the ever elusive Roadrunner. Yeah, I know it will blow up in his face, but Wiley never really listened to reason to begin with. From The Dingleberry: “Batman on bright orange skis and has a matching batsuit that is made to blend in with the snow. If he was trying to blend in with the snow, bright orange skis and poles would completely defeat the purpose. He also apparently is wearing a jetpack. This doesn’t even make sense. If you had a jetpack you wouldn’t need skis, plus the heat from the pack would melt the snow.” Couldn’t say it better myself. Yeah, really terrible winter superhero gear.

73. Soar the skies saving Gotham at night with this Night Glider Batman.

From Topless Robot: "It’s logical enough that Batman would have some sort of flying apparatus, especially one for use at night, but it seems slightly counterintuitive to have that “night glider” be a day glow orange. He looks like a flying traffic cone, and the only people scared of those are driving students." Yeah, I think Topless Robot certainly hit the nail on the head with that one.

From Topless Robot: “It’s logical enough that Batman would have some sort of flying apparatus, especially one for use at night, but it seems slightly counter intuitive to have that “night glider” be a day glow orange. He looks like a flying traffic cone, and the only people scared of those are driving students.” Yeah, I think Topless Robot certainly hit the nail on the head with that one.

74. Watch out, He-Man, or fall prey to the suffocating odors of Stinkor.

You have to love how the 1980s seemed to think up ideas for cartoon villains. Nevertheless, I don't think I could say anything better about this toy better than the guy from The Dingleberry: " The worst thing about this toy was the fact that it stunk. It actually was made to smell like a skunk, it stunk so bad that it made all the toys that I put in the box with it smell like it. It was a little too realistic for my tastes. I also liked how his plastic tank top is covering his nose like he can’t even stand his own smell. He also comes with a handgun and a shield, that is a totally nonsensical combination."

You have to love how the 1980s seemed to think up ideas for cartoon villains. Nevertheless, I don’t think I could say anything better about this toy better than the guy from The Dingleberry: ” The worst thing about this toy was the fact that it stunk. It actually was made to smell like a skunk, it stunk so bad that it made all the toys that I put in the box with it smell like it. It was a little too realistic for my tastes. I also liked how his plastic tank top is covering his nose like he can’t even stand his own smell. He also comes with a handgun and a shield, that is a totally nonsensical combination.” Just think of having to deal  with it after it gets hit by a car.

75. Spew the virulent Fox News style venom with your very own androgynous Ann Coulter action figure that makes feminists want to apologize to Barbie.

God, I can't stand this woman! Seriously, she's just such a vicious and hate spewing shrill that I can't understand why she's so popular enough to have her own Barbie Doll. By the way, I think I owe Barbie an apology. At least she doesn't spend her time on Fox News hating liberals and any other group that's not WASP.

God, I can’t stand this woman! Seriously, she’s just such a vicious and hate spewing shrill that I can’t understand why she’s so popular enough to have her own Barbie Doll. By the way, I think I owe Barbie an apology. At least she doesn’t spend her time on Fox News hating liberals and any other group that’s not WASP.

76. Travel to the 1980s with your very own action figure from Devo.

Yes, while many bands have action figures of all their members sold separately, Devo just has one body that uses the same heads of all its members. Comes with a whip and funny hat. Seriously, such pack arrangements are pretty crazy.

Yes, while many bands have action figures of all their members sold separately, Devo just has one body that uses the same heads of all its members. Comes with a whip and funny hat. Seriously, such pack arrangements are pretty crazy.

77. Take down Osama Bin Laden with your very own Seal Team 6 Obama action figure.

Armed with his very own machine gun and dressed up like The Punisher with an intimidating, Seal Team 6 Obama will stop at nothing to rid the world of Osama Bin Laden even if it means mowing down uncooperative Congressional Republicans. Still, I put Obama on here just to balance Palin and Coulter out.

Armed with his very own machine gun and dressed up like The Punisher with an intimidating, Seal Team 6 Obama will stop at nothing to rid the world of Osama Bin Laden even if it means mowing down uncooperative Congressional Republicans. Still, I put Obama on here just to balance Palin and Coulter out. Also, the standard Obama came with too many accessories.

78. Look out, He-Man, here comes the Moss Man.

Comes with his own club and speedo. And yes, he's supposed to be a bacteria grabbing walking carpet as if he was a lovechild between the Incredible Hulk and the Grinch. Also said to have "a real pine scent." Creepy.

Comes with his own club and speedo. And yes, he’s supposed to be a bacteria grabbing walking carpet as if he was a lovechild between the Incredible Hulk and the Grinch. Also said to have “a real pine scent.” Creepy.

79. Travel on this self-propelled bed with Eglantine Price from Disney’s Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

It's hard to believe that this doll is supposed to be based on the Angela Lansbury character from that 1972 movie. Bed runs on batteries. Still, kind of shows that even the folks at Disney were tripping on the brown acid a little too much. Nevertheless, I'd love to see the action figure they have for Eleanor Iselin from the Manchurian Candidate.

It’s hard to believe that this doll is supposed to be based on the Angela Lansbury character from that 1972 movie. Bed runs on batteries. Still, kind of shows that even the folks at Disney were tripping on the brown acid a little too much. Nevertheless, I’d love to see the action figure they have for Eleanor Iselin from the Manchurian Candidate.

80. If you liked Transformers as a kid, then I’m sure you’d love your very own Titanic-Bot.

I have no idea why anyone would design this. Seriously, not only does it denigrate a terrible 1912 tragedy made into a Leonardo DiCaprio movie, but it kind of gives kids a false idea of history. I mean would anyone want 9/11 be diverted into a giant robot? How about the Hindenburg? Besides, this screams Dollar Store knock off. Yet I know that Michael Bay would definitely make a movie with Titanic-Bot if he could get away with it.

I have no idea why anyone would design this. Seriously, not only does it denigrate a terrible 1912 tragedy made into a Leonardo DiCaprio movie, but it kind of gives kids a false idea of history. I mean would anyone want 9/11 be diverted into a giant robot? How about the Hindenburg? Besides, this screams Dollar Store knock off. Yet I know that Michael Bay would definitely make a movie with Titanic-Bot if he could get away with it.

Impressions and Imitations at the House of Wax

The art of wax sculpture has existed longer than we care to know. With roots in European royal funeral practices in the Middle Ages, people have been trying to capture the likenesses of any famous person in a waxwork and place it in a wax museum for the public to see. I know this is an odd tradition but it’s been around since the 1700s from Dr. Philip Curtius’s ‘Moving Wax Works of the Royal Court of England’ that featured 140 life sized wax figures of court notables to Madame Tussaud’s which you can find almost anywhere in the world. Of course, most of these would be life sized, wear real clothes, and sometimes have real hair. Still, there are many normal museums that do use wax figures such as the Heinz History Center in Pittsburgh and others. And some wax museums have a chamber of horrors where some of the most gruesome stuff are displayed such as wax medical models or a surgery conducted during the American Civil War or earlier. Not to mention, there was even a movie called House of Wax in which Vincent Price owns a wax museum before going completely crazy after it burns to the ground. Nevertheless, I can go on and on about the great wax works in these museums but I know you probably wouldn’t want to see that. So instead I’ll show you some of the less impressive wax works that fail to capture the true spirit of the person they’re based on. Thus, for your pleasure here are some wax figures to laugh at to your heart’s content.

1. Harry Potter

He may belong in Griffyndor but he seems more appropriate for Slytherin to me. Seriously, Daniel Radcliffe didn't seem to have a personality disorder when I saw him in the first Harry Potter movie. And I was 11 years old at the time.

He may belong in Griffyndor but he seems more appropriate for Slytherin to me. Seriously, Daniel Radcliffe didn’t seem to have a personality disorder when I saw him in the first Harry Potter movie. And I was 11 years old at the time.

2. Pope Benedict XVI

Well, the former Pope was creepy enough in real life. Seems less like a "Repent and Accept Jesus Christ as Your Savior" than "I've come here to eat your brains." Seriously, I've never seen a pontiff that looked so terrifying.

Well, the former Pope was creepy enough in real life. Seems less like a “Repent and Accept Jesus Christ as Your Savior” than “I’ve come here to eat your brains.” Yes, that’s Benedict XVI as a zombie. Seriously, I’ve never seen a pontiff that looked so terrifying.

3. John Wayne from True Grit

Now I have a passion hatred for John Wayne who's one of my least favorite actors and think he should've never won an Oscar for any of his movies. However, unlike his movie portrayals, this John Wayne actually looks quite intimidating as Rooster Cogburn striking fear in the hearts of fugitives as a spirit back from the dead.

Now I have a passionate hatred for John Wayne who’s one of my least favorite actors and think he should’ve never won an Oscar for any of his movies. However, unlike his movie portrayals, this John Wayne actually looks quite intimidating as Rooster Cogburn striking fear in the hearts of fugitives as a spirit back from the dead.

4. Ronald Reagan

Sure as a liberal I'm not a big fan of Reagan at all. However, even so, I don't think this wax work seems to capture his warm personality that got a lot of idiots to vote for him. Seriously, he seems like he's had a few face lifts and a spray tan.

Sure as a liberal I’m not a big fan of Reagan at all. However, even so, I don’t think this wax work seems to capture his warm personality that got a lot of idiots to vote for him. Seriously, he seems like he’s had a few face lifts and a spray tan.

5. Ray Charles

Well, I sure hope Georgia is not on his mind. I mean that does so not look like Ray Charles and I hope he just hit the road and don't he go back no more, no more, no more, no more. Seriously, he scares me.

Well, I sure hope Georgia is not on his mind. I mean that does so not look like Ray Charles and I hope he just hit the road and don’t he go back no more, no more, no more, no more. Seriously, he scares me.

6. Cameron Diaz

If Cameron Diaz looked like that in real life I'd be very concerned by how she's aging so rapidly or whether she's had some plastic surgery disaster. Seriously, she looks so soulless in this wax incarnation.

If Cameron Diaz looked like that in real life I’d be very concerned by how she’s aging so rapidly or whether she’s had some plastic surgery disaster. Seriously, she looks so soulless in this wax incarnation.

7. Napoleon Bonaparte

I don't know about you but I think he doesn't seem very comfortable sitting in his chair. Seems like he has hemorrhoids. Oh, wait a minute he actually did at Waterloo, really. That's why he couldn't get on his horse and see the battle. Of course, this leads to surrender and exile on Saint Helena.

I don’t know about you but I think he doesn’t seem very comfortable sitting in his chair. Seems like he has hemorrhoids. Oh, wait a minute he actually did at Waterloo, really. That’s why he couldn’t get on his horse and see the battle. Of course, this leads to surrender and exile on Saint Helena.

8. Tom Hanks

This is supposed to be him from Castaway. Looks more like a young Russell Crowe after a drunken bar fight. Seriously, how in the hell can it be Tom Hanks?

This is supposed to be him from Castaway. Looks more like a young Russell Crowe after a drunken bar fight. Seriously, how in the hell can it be Tom Hanks?

9. Don Knotts

Seems like Barney Fife didn't age too well after serving as Sheriff Andy Taylor's deputy. Also, what's with that horrendous outfit?

Seems like Barney Fife didn’t age too well after serving as Sheriff Andy Taylor’s deputy. Also, what’s with that horrendous outfit?

10. Charlie’s Angels

Of course, I had no idea that Cameron Diaz was suffering from demon possession until I see her soulless and terrifying face. Guess she could afford the best exorcist money can buy.

Of course, I had no idea that Cameron Diaz was suffering from demon possession until I see her soulless and terrifying face. Guess she could afford the best exorcist money can buy.

11. Leonardo DiCaprio

Okay, I remember how he managed to capture women's hearts in Titanic. Yet, looking at this waxwork I have no idea what so many teenage girls from the 1990s saw in him. However, he seems like he'd make a great villain in a horror movie.

Okay, I remember how he managed to capture women’s hearts in Titanic. Yet, looking at this waxwork I have no idea what so many teenage girls from the 1990s saw in him. However, he seems like he’d make a great villain in a horror movie.

12. Robert Pattinson

More like Edward Norton after botox injections than anything else. Seriously, if Robert Pattinson looks like that in 10 years then I question his lifestyle choices.

More like Edward Norton after botox injections than anything else. Seriously, if Robert Pattinson looks like that in 10 years then I question his lifestyle choices.

13. John F. Kennedy

As not what your country can do for you--ask this wax museum why the 35th president of the United States looks like he's spent too much time in a tanning salon and why his hair looks so unnatural.

And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you–ask this wax museum why the 35th president of the United States looks like he’s spent too much time in a tanning salon and why his hair looks so unnatural.

14. John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Despite the bed in protest honeymoon, looks like John and Yoko are already experiencing problems in their relationship. Doesn't seem like they're giving peace a chance here.

Despite the bed in protest honeymoon, looks like John and Yoko are already experiencing problems in their relationship. Doesn’t seem like they’re giving peace a chance here. Yoko seems especially angry and giving John the silent treatment.

15. John Lennon

Let's see unnatural hair color and tan. No wonder John is wearing sunglasses here. Hate to see what his eyes look like under there.

Let’s see unnatural hair color and tan. No wonder John is wearing sunglasses here. Hate to see what his eyes look like under there.

16. Princess Diana of Wales

I don't know about you but I think this wax statue makes it seem that Princess Diana was a real stuck up bitch during her lifetime. I mean she has such an ugly scowl on her face as if her secretary won't take her coat off and put it on the mud puddle so she can walk over it without damaging her Prada shoes.

I don’t know about you but I think this wax statue makes it seem that Princess Diana was a real stuck up bitch during her lifetime. I mean she has such an ugly scowl on her face as if her secretary won’t take her coat off and put it on the mud puddle so she can walk over it without damaging her Prada shoes.

17. Pope John Paul II

Seems like the Roman sunshine doesn't do any wonders for the already leathery skin on this Polish pontiff. Also, he kind of seems pretty terrifying to me.

Seems like the Roman sunshine doesn’t do any wonders for the already leathery skin on this Polish pontiff. Also, he kind of seems pretty terrifying to me.

18. Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards

Or as I call it, "a really bad rendition of Walter White from Breaking Bad or as if Martin Mull had played him in the 1980s." I don't know who the hell this guy is but whoever he is, he sure seems creepy.

Or as I call it, “a really bad rendition of Walter White from Breaking Bad or as if Martin Mull had played him in the 1980s.” I don’t know who the hell this guy is but whoever he is, he sure seems creepy.

19. Ian Botham

Man, David Bowie looks very atrocious in that ascot and V-neck sweater with a shirt collar sticking out. Also seems to be aging really badly and I really think he should lose the mustache. Seriously, his years after Labyrinth haven't been very good for him.

Man, David Bowie looks very atrocious in that ascot and V-neck sweater with a shirt collar sticking out. Also seems to be aging really badly and I really think he should lose the mustache. Seriously, his years after Labyrinth haven’t been very good for him.

20. Noel Edmonds

Guess this is an idea of what Mark Ruffalo will soon look like give or take 20 or 30 years. Yeah, doesn't seem to have any prospects of aging gracefully according to this wax work.

Guess this is an idea of what Mark Ruffalo will soon look like give or take 20 or 30 years. Yeah, doesn’t seem to have any prospects of aging gracefully according to this wax work.

21. Elvis Presley

Perhaps this is what happens to you after you've spent too much time taking drugs, lounging in the Las Vegas sunshine, and eating too many peanut butter and banana sandwiches. No wonder this guy was found dead in his bathroom.

Perhaps this is what happens to you after you’ve spent too much time taking drugs, lounging in the Las Vegas sunshine, and eating too many peanut butter and banana sandwiches. No wonder this guy was found dead in his bathroom.

22. Jedward

Or as I call it, Whoville's version of One Direction. Yeah, I wouldn't mind the Grinch robbing them of their presents around Christmastime for these guys are just plain creepy and probably a real pain in the ass.

Or as I call it, Whoville’s version of One Direction. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind the Grinch robbing them of their presents around Christmastime for these guys are just plain creepy and probably a real pain in the ass.

23. Benito Mussolini

Hey, I didn't know that US Speaker of the House John Boehner was a huge fan of Il Duce. Sure doesn't look too happy as usual but perhaps he might need to explain the Italian Fascist uniform.

Hey, I didn’t know that US Speaker of the House John Boehner was a huge fan of Il Duce. Sure doesn’t look too happy as usual but perhaps he might need to explain the Italian Fascist uniform.

24. David Hasselhoff

Man, he must've spent way too much time being a lifeguard on Baywatch. Seriously, he bears a closer resemblance to Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy than anyone else in this due to skin color alone.

Man, he must’ve spent way too much time being a lifeguard on Baywatch. Seriously, he bears a closer resemblance to Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy than anyone else in this due to skin color alone.

25. Donald Trump

Now this seems to resemble comedian Louis Anderson after losing a lot of weight than Donald Trump. Nevertheless, this does retain Trump's iconically bad hairstyle which seems quite tame in this.

Now this seems to resemble comedian Louis Anderson after losing a lot of weight than Donald Trump. Nevertheless, this does retain Trump’s iconically bad hairstyle which seems quite tame in this. Still, I really hate Donald Trump just for being an obnoxious jerk and having an enormous ego. You can see why he’s been through 3 wives who only wanted him for his money.

26. Jimmy Carter

And I thought the Reagan and Kennedy wax figures were bad. This one seems to bear no resemblance to the former president who is now in his 90s and looks a hell of a lot better than this idiot who seems to have a few brain cells missing.

And I thought the Reagan and Kennedy wax figures were bad. This one seems to bear no resemblance to the former president who is now in his 90s and looks a hell of a lot better than this idiot who seems to have a few brain cells missing.

27. Tom Cruise

I can imagine a little kid look up at this in its museum and say, "Mommy, why is Steve Jobs flying and not holding an Ipod and why is he so small?"

I can imagine a little kid looking up at this in its museum and say, “Mommy, why is Steve Jobs flying and not holding an Ipod? And why is he short?”

28. Daley Thompson

Probably an obscure Sacha Baron Cohen character who offended the people of India so much that he couldn't do a movie around him or use him on Da Ali G Show.

Probably an obscure Sacha Baron Cohen character who offended the people of India so much that he couldn’t do a movie around him or use him on Da Ali G Show.

29. Michael Barrymore

For God's sake, what's the hell with this guy's humongous head? Seriously, I've never seen anyone with a forehead that high. Not to mention, that smile is terrifying.

For God’s sake, what’s the hell with this guy’s humongous head? Seriously, I’ve never seen anyone with a forehead that high. Not to mention, that smile is terrifying.

30. Gazza

Hey, I didn't know they had a wax rendition of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. They even nailed his plastic surgery disaster, well, somewhat.

Hey, I didn’t know they had a wax rendition of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. They even nailed his plastic surgery disaster, well, somewhat.

31. Seinfeld

By looking at these terrifying waxworks of Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer, I dread seeing the one depicting George Costanza. That one must be the most horrifying of them all.

By looking at these terrifying waxworks of Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer, I dread seeing the one depicting George Costanza. That one must be the most horrifying of them all.

32. Sean Connery

Seems like Miami and LA don't really help Sean Connery's skin too much do they? Of course, he'd claim, "That's not what your mother said."

Seems like Miami and LA don’t really help Sean Connery’s skin too much do they? Of course, he’d claim, “That’s not what your mother said.” Also that tuxedo is hideous.

33. Cliff Richard

Looks like Bill Clinton's Attorney General Janet Reno on a bad hair day to me. Seriously, there's no way that's a man for what I see.

Looks like Bill Clinton’s Attorney General Janet Reno on a bad hair day to me. Seriously, there’s no way that’s a man for what I see.

34. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge

Seems like it's Prince William as if he's a lame but very aristocratic vampire who wants to say "Cherrio, old chum," before he proceeds to suck the life out of you.

Seems like it’s Prince William as if he’s a lame but very aristocratic vampire who wants to say “Cherrio, old chum,” before he proceeds to suck the life out of you.

35. Adolf Hitler

Seems like Der Furher doesn't really like spending his weekends on the beach doesn't he. Guess he kept forgetting to put on his sunblock and kept getting his face burned.

Seems like Der Furher doesn’t really like spending his weekends on the beach doesn’t he. Guess he kept forgetting to put on his sunblock and kept getting his face burned.

36. Titanic

This waxwork makes the movie's iconic scene less romantic and much more terrifying. Seriously, Leonardo DiCaprio seems to resemble a psychokiller about to push Kate Winslet off the ship.

This waxwork makes the movie’s iconic scene less romantic and much more terrifying. Seriously, Leonardo DiCaprio seems to resemble a psychokiller about to push Kate Winslet off the ship.

37. Lucille Ball

Whatever is in that bottle, I really don't want to drink it. I suspect this might be poison according the terrifying look on Lucy's face. Seriously, she looks so creepy in this waxwork.

Whatever is in that bottle, I really don’t want to drink it. I suspect this might be poison according the terrifying look on Lucy’s face. Seriously, she looks so creepy in this waxwork.

38. The Beatles

Now I like the Beatles. Yet, these guys bear almost no resemblance to the real thing. In fact, I think these guys basically resemble lifeless zombies after your brains while singing. "All you need is brains,/All you need is brains,/All you need is brains, brains, brains are all you need."

Now I like the Beatles. Yet, these guys bear almost no resemblance to the real thing. In fact, I think these guys basically resemble lifeless zombies after your brains while singing. “All you need is brains,/All you need is brains,/All you need is brains, brains, brains are all you need.”

39. Jennifer Lopez

I don't know about the butt but her face kind of reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games. Yet, smaller and with a really bad makeup job.

I don’t know about the butt but her face kind of reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games. Yet, smaller and with a really bad makeup job.

40. Justin Bieber

Somehow I can't help looking at this and see how it resembles my cousin at Penn State, which is really insulting to my cousin who really doesn't like Justin Bieber, doesn't have light brown hair, and doesn't even dress like that.

Somehow I can’t help looking at this and see how it resembles my cousin at Penn State, which is really insulting to my cousin who really doesn’t like Justin Bieber, doesn’t have light brown hair, and doesn’t even dress like that.

41. Austin Powers

Looks as if he's a pervy guy on some kind of 1960s hallucinogenic drugs. Surely not groovy in the least, baby.

Looks as if he’s a pervy guy on some kind of 1960s hallucinogenic drugs. Surely not groovy in the least, baby. Makes the fembots seem tame by comparison.

42. Eddie Murphy

Seems less like the comedian who appeared in family films and more like the guy appearing on SNL who wrote a poem on killing his landlord.

Seems less like the comedian who appeared in family films and more like the guy appearing on SNL who wrote a poem on killing his landlord.

43. Meryl Streep

Man, I didn't know she was nominated for an Oscar for Death Becomes her. I didn't know that kind of film would even get Academy Award nominations. Not to mention, the hair straightener doesn't do any favors for her.

Man, I didn’t know she was nominated for an Oscar for Death Becomes her. I didn’t know that kind of film would even get Academy Award nominations. Not to mention, the hair straightener doesn’t do any favors for her.

44. Lady Gaga

I don't know if Lady Gaga was Born This Way, but this wax figure doesn't depict her as aging gracefully, especially since she's actually only a few years older than I am. Seriously, she doesn't look 28.

I don’t know if Lady Gaga was Born This Way, but this wax figure doesn’t depict her as aging gracefully, especially since she’s actually only a few years older than I am. Seriously, she doesn’t look 28.

45. Mel Gibson

Okay, now this one makes Mel seem like a really crazed psychokiller on the run to satisfy a hunger for human flesh. Seriously, this one seems to scare me for some reason. And it's not because he directed Braveheart or The Passion of the Christ.

Okay, now this one makes Mel seem like a really crazed psychokiller on the run to satisfy a hunger for human flesh. Seriously, this one seems to scare me for some reason. And it’s not because he directed Braveheart or The Passion of the Christ.

46. Michelle Obama

Now if the First Lady of the United States looks like this in her wax rendition, either the designer doesn't like her or she's really not aging gracefully. Seriously, this incarnation seems rather terrifying to me.

Now if the First Lady of the United States looks like this in her wax rendition, either the designer doesn’t like her or she’s really not aging gracefully. Seriously, this incarnation seems rather terrifying to me.

47. Fred Rogers

I know this is from the John Heinz III Historical Center during its American History display. Nevertheless, looking at his waxy soulless face, I'd sure wouldn't want to be his neighbor.

I know this is from the John Heinz III Historical Center during its American History display. Nevertheless, looking at his waxy soulless face, I’d sure wouldn’t want to be his neighbor.

48. Ronald Reagan

Yes, old President Ronnie seems to have two really creepy waxworks in his image. This seems like it comes straight out of shining. Now please, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall or else Mr. Reagan will come over to your house and murder you and your family in a bloodbath only comparable to a slasher horror movie.

Yes, old President Ronnie seems to have two really creepy waxworks in his image. This seems like it comes straight out of shining. Now please, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall or else Mr. Reagan will come over to your house and murder you and your family in a bloodbath only comparable to a slasher horror movie.

49. Fatal Attraction

Michael Douglas should be utterly terrified in this scene. Instead, he just seems a little perturbed as if she flushed the toilet while he was taking a shower. Not the kind of face you'd have if a woman you had a fling with killed your daughter's pet bunny.

Michael Douglas should be utterly terrified in this scene. Instead, he just seems a little perturbed as if she flushed the toilet while he was taking a shower. Not the kind of face you’d have if a woman you had a fling with killed your daughter’s pet bunny.

50. Rihanna

Seems like Rihanna is in her German barmaid outfit to celebrate Oktoberfest. Nevertheless, I just hope Chris Brown doesn't turn out at this location if she has a restraining order against him (like she should.)

Seems like Rihanna is in her German barmaid outfit to celebrate Oktoberfest. Nevertheless, I just hope Chris Brown doesn’t turn out at this location if she has a restraining order against him (like she should.)

51. Queen Elizabeth II

Seems that Her Royal Majesty has had some trouble with her hair stylist lately. Not to mention her make up artist doesn't seem to do her job too well either. Must be going through a Barbara Striesand phase.

Seems that Her Royal Majesty has had some trouble with her hair stylist lately. Not to mention her make up artist doesn’t seem to do her job too well either. Must be going through a Barbara Striesand phase.

52. Luciano Pavarotti

Seems less in the mood for singing opera and more in the mood of eating something crunchy like bones. Still, this is actually kind of terrifying if you ask me.

Seems less in the mood for singing opera and more in the mood of eating something crunchy like bones. Still, this is actually kind of terrifying if you ask me.

53. Anne Frank

Of course, I'm sure being subjected to hiding in your dad's office building during the Holocaust could age you a few years. However, Anne Frank died at 15 and certainly didn't have the skin composition of someone who's over 30.

Of course, I’m sure being subjected to hiding in your dad’s office building during the Holocaust could age you a few years. However, Anne Frank died at 15 and certainly didn’t have the skin composition of someone who’s over 30.

54. Liza Minnelli

From looking at this wax rendition of Liza Minnelli, those unfamiliar with Cabaret may think that she was a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seriously, she seems like she wants to kill you after she's completed her dance routine.

From looking at this wax rendition of Liza Minnelli, those unfamiliar with Cabaret may think that she was a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seriously, she seems like she wants to kill you after she’s completed her dance routine.

55. Leonardo DaVinci’s Last Supper

Looks like all the apostles seem to peering at some weird mole on either Jesus's neck or hands while the Roman soldiers are in the back waiting for them to leave. That one on the far left seems as if he wants to go to the bathroom to wash his hands for some reason.

Looks like all the apostles seem to peering at some weird mole on either Jesus’s neck or hands while the Roman soldiers are in the back waiting for them to leave. That one on the far left seems as if he wants to go to the bathroom to wash his hands for some reason.

56. Audrey Hepburn

By the look at those sullen big brown eyes, you'd think Holly Golightly might have murder on the mind for George Peppard. Seriously, this wax figure seems to make Audrey Hepburn seem miscast for Breakfast at Tiffany's on account of being too sinister.

By the look at those sullen big brown eyes, you’d think Holly Golightly might have murder on the mind for George Peppard. Seriously, this wax figure seems to make Audrey Hepburn seem miscast for Breakfast at Tiffany’s on account of being too sinister.

57. Mr. Bean

I wonder if those unfamiliar with Mr. Bean would look at this wax figure and assume he was in the same league with Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. Perhaps they'd be relieved he's actually a Rowan Atkinson character who acts like a complete idiot.

I wonder if those unfamiliar with Mr. Bean would look at this wax figure and assume he was in the same league with Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. Perhaps they’d be relieved he’s actually a Rowan Atkinson character who acts like a complete idiot.

58. Tiger Woods

Seems like Tiger's debacles with his extramarital peccadilloes and divorce proceedings have really aged him as well has hurt his golf game. Seriously, Tiger's not an old decrepit man yet, folks.

Seems like Tiger’s debacles with his extramarital peccadilloes and divorce proceedings have really aged him as well has hurt his golf game. Seriously, Tiger’s not an old decrepit man yet, folks.

59. Margaret Thatcher

I don't know about you but it seems that the Iron Lady has developed some sort of terrible skin problem on her face. Also, it's probably fair to say that she's had some disastrous plastic surgery as well.

I don’t know about you but it seems that the Iron Lady has developed some sort of terrible skin problem on her face. Also, it’s probably fair to say that she’s had some disastrous plastic surgery as well.

60. Ellen Degeneres

Now I know that Ellen is a comedian and talk show host who's not supposed to scare me. However, this rendition makes me want to look the hell away from her soulless eyes and her evil smile.

Now I know that Ellen is a comedian and talk show host who’s not supposed to scare me. However, this rendition makes me want to look the hell away from her soulless eyes and her evil smile.

61. The Wizard of Oz

Well, to be fair, The Wizard of Oz has managed to traumatize a lot of kids even without the dark lighting. Nevertheless, I don't suspect that Dorothy just wants to go home. And I wouldn't want to be around the Scarecrow or Tinman either.

Well, to be fair, The Wizard of Oz has managed to traumatize a lot of kids even without the dark lighting. Nevertheless, I don’t suspect that Dorothy just wants to go home. And I wouldn’t want to be around the Scarecrow or Tinman either.

62. Hugh Jackman

Now you'd think any wax museum could have an impression of Hugh Jackman would be wise to depict him as Wolverine from X-Men. However, this one seems like it depicts an evil Dr. Who in BDSM attire.

Now you’d think any wax museum could have an impression of Hugh Jackman would be wise to depict him as Wolverine from X-Men. However, this one seems like it depicts an evil Dr. Who in BDSM attire.

63. Michael Jackson

Yes, his majesty the King of Pop during the 1980s does carry a rather sinister demeanor. Of course, I wonder how many people my age could ever imagine that he's supposed to be Michael Jackson.

Yes, his majesty the King of Pop during the 1980s does carry a rather sinister demeanor. Of course, I wonder how many people my age could ever imagine that he’s supposed to be Michael Jackson. I’d rather hang out with the zombies from the “Thriller” video than this guy.

64. Rowan Atkinson

Okay, this wax figures in now way, shape, or form resembles Mr. Bean. Seriously, it's as if this artist had no idea who this guy is or even saw his picture. I mean, we all know that Rowan Atkinson doesn't at all look like that in real life. Never has.

Okay, this wax figures in now way, shape, or form resembles Mr. Bean. Seriously, it’s as if this artist had no idea who this guy is or even saw his picture. I mean, we all know that Rowan Atkinson doesn’t at all look like that in real life. Never has.

65. Joan Collins

I know she's a famous prime time soap star from the 1970s and 1980s Dynasty. However, that make up job makes her seem like she's either Spock's sister or related to Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I know she’s a famous prime time soap star from the 1970s and 1980s Dynasty. However, that make up job makes her seem like she’s either Spock’s sister or related to Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

66. Michael Jordan

How in the hell does this look like Michael Jordan? Seriously, he looked about the same in 1990s as he does now, facial wise. That, my friend, is a basketball playing zombie who just has the same complexion.

How in the hell does this look like Michael Jordan? Seriously, he looked about the same in 1990s as he does now, facial wise. That, my friend, is a basketball playing zombie who just has the same complexion.

67. Richard Nixon

Man, this waxwork of Richard M. Nixon makes him seem like he's a ventriloquist dummy or some creepy character from The Muppet Show. Seriously, that jowl and those eyes are utterly creepy.

Man, this waxwork of Tricky Dick makes him seem like he’s a ventriloquist dummy or some creepy character from The Muppet Show. Seriously, that jowl and those eyes are utterly creepy.

68. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Seems they got the chiseled chest proportions right. However, this basically bears practically no resemblance to Ahnold from Conan the Barbarian. Not to mention, he seems to spend too much time in the sun which is taking a toll on his delicate skin.

Seems they got the chiseled chest proportions right. However, this basically bears practically no resemblance to Ahnold from Conan the Barbarian. Not to mention, he seems to spend too much time in the sun which is taking a toll on his delicate skin.

69. Jimmy Carter

Good News: Actually looks better than the last Jimmy Carter waxwork I posted on here. Bad News: Seems to have a real great need for an exorcism. Seriously, he really looks evil.

Good News: Actually looks better than the last Jimmy Carter waxwork I posted on here.
Bad News: Seems to have a real great need for an exorcism. Seriously, he really looks evil.

70. Star Trek

While Spock seems okayish, the once of Kirk and McCoy just seem to be among the men you'd see on Cracked.com's "Guys That Look Like Old Lesbians" article. Seriously, Kirk's hair is just too long while McCoy seems like he's been using way too much of "the Botox."

While Spock seems okayish, the once of Kirk and McCoy just seem to be among the men you’d see on Cracked.com’s “Guys That Look Like Old Lesbians” article. Seriously, Kirk’s hair is just too long while McCoy seems like he’s been using way too much of “the Botox.”

71. Jay Leno

Since his retirement (for good) from The Tonight Show, it seems like Jay Leno has had a face lift that has basically stretched his face in a way many people find so unrecognizable. Seriously, his wax figure looks so atrocious.

Since his retirement (for good) from The Tonight Show, it seems like Jay Leno has had a face lift that has basically stretched his face in a way many people find so unrecognizable. Seriously, his wax figure looks so atrocious.

72. Snoop Dogg

You'd think Snoop would be taking better care of himself now that he has millions of dollars. Yet, this waxwork makes him seem like he's emaciated for some tasty human flesh. I mean, that face sure don't look right at all.

You’d think Snoop would be taking better care of himself now that he has millions of dollars. Yet, this waxwork makes him seem like he’s emaciated for some tasty human flesh. I mean, that face sure don’t look right at all.

73. Will Smith

Okay, this waxwork looks less like a big box office star, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and happily married man and father of 3. And more like the kind of guy who's either a bouncer at some crime syndicate owned bar or the kind of man a lot of white people wouldn't entrust with their car keys or wallets.

Okay, this waxwork looks less like a big box office star, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and happily married man and father of 3. And more like the kind of guy who’s either a bouncer at some crime syndicate owned bar from The Wire or the kind of man a lot of white people wouldn’t entrust with their car keys or wallets.

74. Clint Eastwood

Now I'm sure he's certainly angry. Still, though this is supposed to be Clint from Unforgiven, I don't think this waxwork resembles him. Yet, the "Get Off My Lawn" message is clear.

Now I’m sure he’s certainly angry. Still, though this is supposed to be Clint from Unforgiven, I don’t think this waxwork resembles him. Yet, the “Get Off My Lawn” message is clear.

75. Johnny Cash

Jesus Christ, I thought Johnny was supposed to turn his life around in the1960s. Seriously, an orange spray tan and unkempt hair seem to suggest otherwise.

Jesus Christ, I thought Johnny was supposed to turn his life around in the1960s. Seriously, an orange spray tan and unkempt hair seem to suggest otherwise.

76. Marilyn Monroe

No, kids, Marilyn Monroe wasn't a famous actress whose claim to fame was playing sexy vampires. That would be Robert Pattinson. Totally different person.

No, kids, Marilyn Monroe wasn’t a famous actress whose claim to fame was playing sexy blood sucking vampires. That would be Robert Pattinson. Totally different person.

77. Humphrey Bogart

Okay seems like Bogart needs to get off the booze and cigarettes looking like this. Also, I'd stay away from the tanning salons just for good measure. Still, here's not looking at you, kid.

Okay seems like Bogart needs to get off the booze and cigarettes looking like this. Also, I’d stay away from the tanning salons just for good measure. Still, here’s not looking at you, kid.

78. Abraham Lincoln

With his orange spray tan and his sinister gray eyes, it seems that the Great Emancipator has a score to settle. Seriously, this is basically the most evil Lincoln I've ever seen and his waxworks are usually not that bad.

With his orange spray tan and his sinister gray eyes, it seems that the Great Emancipator has a score to settle. Seriously, this is basically the most evil Lincoln I’ve ever seen and his waxworks are usually not that bad.

79. Sir Elton John

I know he's supposed to be singing something and I really don't want to know. Not to mention, the closed eyes and the coke bottle glasses make him seem even more terrifying with his mouth hanging out.

I know he’s supposed to be singing something and I really don’t want to know. Not to mention, the closed eyes and the coke bottle glasses make him seem even more terrifying with his mouth hanging out.

80. Hank Williams Sr.

Looks like the late country music legend Hank Williams is back from the dead as a Satanic puppet that sings his country ballads and has people sell him their souls. Seriously, this wax rendition is just creepy as hell.

Looks like the late country music legend Hank Williams is back from the dead as a Satanic puppet that sings his country ballads and has people sell him their souls. Seriously, this wax rendition is just creepy as hell.

Be Mine with These Valentine’s Day Treats

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Food wise, Valentine’s Day has it’s own share of goodies but usually pertains to stuff that you’d basically make for your kids during their school V-Day party event. Of course, while there may be parties, they aren’t nearly as extravagant as what you’d see on Christmas, Halloween, or the Super Bowl even. I mean, I’ve basically found no Valentine’s Day vegetable dip tray, ever. Yet, since I’ve done previous articles on treats from almost every single big holiday since Halloween, I should probably do one. After all, even if you don’t have a sweetheart this V-Day, it’s a very big holiday for treats, especially if you’re in elementary school or have child in one, especially since kids are basically obligated to bring valentines as well as treats to the whole class. And it’s usually up to the parents’ creative juices or bank account to make that possible. Not to mention, children will have to do Valentine’s Day craft projects in art class. Nevertheless, whether you’re a parent or a repressed art or culinary person, I have some treats for you that might be up your alley. So without further adieu, here are some sweet V-Day treats you might want to make for the ones you love. Still, this article might taste like diabetes since most of them are sugary sweet and may make you gag on sight of sentimentality.

1. These arrow cupcakes will basically melt your heart.

Of course, the arrows aren't edible since they're made with straws and paper. Still, they're adorable if you ask me.

Of course, the arrows aren’t edible since they’re made with straws and paper. Still, they’re adorable if you ask me.

2. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like X’s and O’s sugar and sprinkle cookies.

Not only do these cookies represent hugs and kisses in the days before internet emoticons but they're also great for a cookie version of Tic-Tac-Toe.

Not only do these cookies represent hugs and kisses in the days before internet emoticons but they’re also great for a cookie version of Tic-Tac-Toe.

3. Sweeten up your Valentine’s Day with these lovebird cookies.

Of course, as you know being winter a lot of them roost down south. Still, it seems that one of them hasn't been paired off yet. Maybe he's lonely. Or she. I can't tell with these birds.

Of course, as you know being winter a lot of them roost down south. Still, it seems that one of them hasn’t been paired off yet. Maybe he’s lonely. Or she. I can’t tell with these birds.

4. Why stop making Valentine’s Day treats for your kids, when you can make some for your dog?

Yes, these are Valentine's Day dog treats and it's the first time I showed anything for pets on my treats post. Still, I'm not sure whether covering dog treats in icing is actually good for the dog. Seriously, I'd consult a vet about that.

Yes, these are Valentine’s Day dog treats and it’s the first time I showed anything for pets on my treats post. Still, I’m not sure whether covering dog treats in icing is actually good for the dog. Seriously, I’d consult a vet about that.

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a bouquet of watermelon and grapes.

Seriously, who eats watermelon in the middle of winter? It's a summer food for God's sake. Also, this might be made from Edible Arrangements.

Seriously, who eats watermelon in the middle of winter? It’s a summer food for God’s sake. Also, this might be made from Edible Arrangements.

6. Show your loved one you care with this heart shaped fruit salad.

Now this contains, blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, and raspberries. Basically fruits you'd consider out of season by this time of year and probably grown in California.

Now this contains, blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, and raspberries. Basically fruits you’d consider out of season by this time of year and probably grown in California.

7. At your Valentine’s Day party, you can’t go wrong with these hotdog and cheese toothpick favors.

However, I'm not sure that the meat is even cooked or whether it's safe to eat. Then again, it probably wouldn't look right if it was.

However, I’m not sure that the meat is even cooked or whether it’s safe to eat. Then again, it probably wouldn’t look right if it was.

8. For your kids’ Valentine’s Day events at school, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with these lovely owl brownies.

Of course,  some of these owls wink while others have purplish eyes. Then again, these could just be birds for all I know. Still, adorable.

Of course, some of these owls wink while others have purplish eyes. Then again, these could just be birds for all I know. Still, adorable.

9. Show your love this Valentine’s Day by giving  your sweetheart a bouquet of cupcake roses.

Of course, the best thing about these is that they're chocolate, which means this guy probably knows my own heart (just kidding).

Of course, the best thing about these is that they’re chocolate, which means this guy probably knows my own heart (just kidding).

10. Sweeten this Valentine’s Day by carving a heart right into these apples.

Of course, this idea not only features healthy food but also is very simple to do as long as you can draw hearts right.

Of course, this idea not only features healthy food but also is very simple to do as long as you can draw hearts right.

11. Now these hearty bear cookies are simply unbearable.

I like how all the hearts are around the creamy part of the cookie sandwiches. Seriously, these cookies are just so adorable.

I like how all the hearts are around the creamy part of the cookie sandwiches. Seriously, these cookies are just so adorable.

12. These Valentine’s Day penguin cookies may come from the cold but they’ll melt your heart.

I'm familiar with penguins for Christmas but penguins for Valentine's Day is a new one to me. Still, they're very cute and tend to be made from Oreos.

I’m familiar with penguins for Christmas but penguins for Valentine’s Day is a new one to me. Still, they’re very cute and tend to be made from Oreos.

13. Now these cookies show you and your loved one belong together like peanut butter and jelly.

Of course, this would be great for Jiff and Schmucker's new ad campaigns. Not to mention, they seem to resemble more like pop tarts than pieces of bread.

Of course, this would be great for Jiff and Schmucker’s new ad campaigns. Not to mention, they seem to resemble more like pop tarts than pieces of bread.

14. Stomach these butterfly pretzels this Valentine’s Day.

Eat these and you'll literally have butterflies in your stomach as far as I could see. Nevertheless, they seem too adorable to resist, especially in pink.

Eat these and you’ll literally have butterflies in your stomach as far as I could see. Nevertheless, they seem too adorable to resist, especially in pink.

15. Warm up somebody’s heart this Valentine’s Day with these heart shaped calzone.

Of course, these would be nice to make on a cold winter day, especially in the middle of a snow storm. Still, might go well with the football calzones in my last treat post on Super Bowl Sunday.

Of course, these would be nice to make on a cold winter day, especially in the middle of a snow storm. Still, might go well with the football calzones in my last treat post on Super Bowl Sunday.

16. If you can’t say it out loud, perhaps say it with cupcakes.

Then again, maybe it's should just be for your whole class if you're the teacher. It might sound stalkerish if all these cupcakes are for just one person.

Then again, maybe it’s should just be for your whole class if you’re the teacher. It might sound stalkerish if all these cupcakes are for just one person.

17. These heart shaped candy cupcakes are just as sweet as can be.

Of course, the hearts themselves are the kind of processed Little Debbie cakes you probably find at the grocery store. Yet, at least they're better than the real ones, which are from Necco.

Of course, the hearts themselves are the kind of processed Little Debbie cakes you probably find at the grocery store. Yet, at least they’re better than the real ones, which are from Necco.

18. Nothing is better for Valentine’s Day than these marshmallow love bugs on a stick.

Of course, some of these bugs are so hungry for love that they have hearts in their eyes. Still, very adorable as you can see.

Of course, some of these bugs are so hungry for love that they have hearts in their eyes. Still, very adorable as you can see.

19. Use the heart shaped candies to decorate your chocolate cake pops.

Then again, maybe the cake pops would taste better without the heart candies. I mean those things taste like a combination of sugar, chalk, and cough syrup.

Then again, maybe the cake pops would taste better without the heart candies. I mean those things taste like a combination of sugar, chalk, and cough syrup.

20. Wake up this Valentine’s Day with a heart egg on toast.

Or as the English call it, "Toad in a Hole" or "Egg in a Basket." Still, I'm sure someone would love this even if a child doesn't.

Or as the English call it, “Toad in a Hole” or “Egg in a Basket.” Still, I’m sure someone would love this even if a child doesn’t.

21. Wish your friends luck with these red fruit roll up fortune cookies this Valentine’s Day.

Of course, I wonder what's written on those pieces of paper. And I wonder if anyone would get the wrong idea.

Of course, I wonder what’s written on those pieces of paper. And I wonder if anyone would get the wrong idea. Still, the fruit roll up use is pretty clever.

22. Send your love to your friends this Valentine’s Day with these messaged heart cupcakes.

I hope the ones that receive the "I Love U" cakes don't get the wrong idea. Because that could lead to certain complications.

I hope the ones that receive the “I Love U” cakes don’t get the wrong idea. Because that could lead to certain complications.

23. Of course, this bird house love shack is place where birds can get together.

Sure gingerbread houses are mostly associated with Christmas. Yet, this one's a Valentine's Day one. Oh, and this one even has a little mailbox. Still, it's probably not for eating.

Sure gingerbread houses are mostly associated with Christmas. Yet, this one’s a Valentine’s Day one. Oh, and this one even has a little mailbox. Still, it’s probably not for eating.

24. To honor Saint Valentine’s Italian heritage (if he ever existed) here are some heart pizzas to love.

Notice that all these pizzas have red hearts on them whether they be pepperoni, pepper, or tomato. Nevertheless, there are a lot of variations here.

Notice that all these pizzas have red hearts on them whether they be pepperoni, pepper, or tomato. Nevertheless, there are a lot of variations here.

25. Give your loved ones these Teddy Bear cake pops to treasure.

Of course, where would we be without teddy bears on Valentine's Day (or chocolate for that matter)? Still, these bears look so good enough to eat.

Of course, where would we be without teddy bears on Valentine’s Day (or chocolate for that matter)? Still, these bears look so good enough to eat.

26. All these ladybugs need is someone to love.

Yes, these lady bug cookies with candy on them are adorable. Also, it's possible that some of these can be guys despite the name.

Yes, these lady bug cookies with candy on them are adorable. Also, it’s possible that some of these can be guys despite the name.

27. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a nice V-Day cake of a heart with roses on it.

I don't know about you but I think the strawberry syrup covering this cake kind of reminds me of fake blood you'd see on Halloween treats.

I don’t know about you but I think the strawberry syrup covering this cake kind of reminds me of fake blood you’d see on Halloween treats.

28. Of course, what’s Valentine’s Day without some strawberry tart hearts?

Of course, unlike Monty Python's "Dead Bishop on the Landing" sketch, these tarts don't have any rat in them. However, the Queen of Hearts should watch out for the knave. Or the Knave should know better than to steal them, especially if he's in Lewis Carroll's Wonderland.

Of course, unlike Monty Python’s “Dead Bishop on the Landing” sketch, these tarts don’t have any rat in them. However, the Queen of Hearts should watch out for the knave. Or the Knave should know better than to steal them, especially if he’s in Lewis Carroll’s Wonderland.

29. If you like Japanese food, try these heart sushi out for size.

Sure this sushi has carrots instead of raw fish. Yet, contrary to the common misconception, raw fish is actually optional for sushi. In fact, you can make sushi with just about anything as long as you wrap it in rice and seaweed.

Sure this sushi has carrots instead of raw fish. Yet, contrary to the common misconception, raw fish is actually optional for sushi. In fact, you can make sushi with just about anything as long as you wrap it in rice and seaweed.

30. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a heart fruit salad on Valentine’s Day.

Of course, this salad consists of cherries blueberries and strawberries all of which are out of season in February. Still, quite colorful to say the least.

Of course, this salad consists of cherries blueberries and strawberries all of which are out of season in February. Still, quite colorful to say the least.

31. Need something to do with your Christmas candy canes? So why don’t you make candy hearts on a stick with them for Valentine’s Day?

Of course, I'm sure that your Christmas candy canes might obviously be stale by then anyway. So maybe it's better to keep them in the wrappers.

Of course, I’m sure that your Christmas candy canes might obviously be stale by then anyway. So maybe it’s better to keep them in the wrappers.

32. Of course, you can’t have Valentine’s Day without a heart salad?

Of course, you have to remove the toothpicks before eating the carrots and tomatoes (which might not have any). Nevertheless, this is adorable.

Of course, you have to remove the toothpicks before eating the carrots and tomatoes (which might not have any). Nevertheless, this is adorable.

33. Make Valentine’s Day special with these candy heart cookies.

Of course, these sugar cookies probably taste much better than the real candy hearts which I say are basically disgusting. Seriously who thought those candy hearts were a great idea?

Of course, these sugar cookies probably taste much better than the real candy hearts which I say are basically disgusting. Seriously who thought those candy hearts were a great idea?

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like red velvet cheesecake hearts.

I like how these heart cheese cakes have strings coming from them as if they're a bunch of balloons. Now that's quite clever.

I like how these heart cheese cakes have strings coming from them as if they’re a bunch of balloons. Now that’s quite clever.

35. Of course, you can’t have Valentine’s Day without a triple decker Rice Krispie treat heart cake.

Yes, you can be sure that you'll see a Rice Krispie dessert on this post.  It's amazing the kinds of culinary creations you can do with them. Still, this is quite adorable.

Yes, you can be sure that you’ll see a Rice Krispie dessert on this post. It’s amazing the kinds of culinary creations you can do with them. Still, this is quite adorable.

36. Sweeten up Valentine’s Day with these heart fruit kabobs.

Of course, these consist of watermelon, cantaloupe, and a melon, I think. Nevertheless, it's cute how these kebobs are meant to look like arrows.

Of course, these consist of watermelon, cantaloupe, and a melon, I think. Nevertheless, it’s cute how these kebobs are meant to look like arrows.

37. These lip cookies are certainly worth kissing for.

I wonder if they managed to find a lip cookie cutter at some kind of sex shop or something. Well, I've never seen such cookie cutters in any other store like that. Seriously, I haven't.

I wonder if they managed to find a lip cookie cutter at some kind of sex shop or something. Well, I’ve never seen such cookie cutters in any other store like that. Seriously, I haven’t.

38. Show love for your kid this Valentine’s Day with a V-Day lunch set.

Seems like this consists of 3 heart sandwiches, 3 cracker piles, a strawberry, and a couple other things. Still, it kind of seems like a bit much for child's lunch box.

Seems like this consists of 3 heart sandwiches, 3 cracker piles, a strawberry, and a couple other things. Still, it kind of seems like a bit much for child’s lunch box.

39. You can never keep too many hearts in a cookie jar of love.

Of course, I can say this since this jar is an actual cookie. Yet, I'm sure the string on the lid isn't edible. Well, if the hearts aren't candy.

Of course, I can say this since this jar is an actual cookie. Yet, I’m sure the string on the lid isn’t edible. Well, if the hearts aren’t candy.

40. Treat your valentine with these heart lattice cookies topped with gum drops.

Of course, I'd rather just pluck off the gum drops and eat the cookies. Seriously, gum drops are disgusting. Still, I have no idea how they manage to do the lattice bit.

Of course, I’d rather just pluck off the gum drops and eat the cookies. Seriously, gum drops are disgusting. Still, I have no idea how they manage to do the lattice bit.

41. Now these cupcakes are full of X’s, O’s and hearts.

Whatever's on these cookies seem too alike to be cherries or anything grown in a garden. So they must be candies. Also, it seems that the heart team won at Tic-Tac-Toe.

Whatever’s on these cookies seem too alike to be cherries or anything grown in a garden. So they must be candies. Also, it seems that the heart team won at Tic-Tac-Toe.

42. Give your valentine a special treat with these chocolate cake pop hearts.

Now I bet you these were dipped in chocolate before being covered with sprinkles and/or heart decorations. Some more than others.

Now I bet you these were dipped in chocolate before being covered with sprinkles and/or heart decorations. Some more than others.

43. Of course, these Rice Krispie treats will go straight to your heart.

Like the cupcakes above the arrows are made of paper and straws. Yet, these are also covered in icing and pink drizzle.

Like the cupcakes above the arrows are made of paper and straws. Yet, these are also covered in icing and pink drizzle.

44. Wish your loved ones good luck with these fortune cookies.

Now these aren't real fortune cookies as you see with one of them broken in half. They're actually sugar cookies covered in icing and sprinkles.

Now these aren’t real fortune cookies as you see with one of them broken in half. They’re actually sugar cookies covered in icing and sprinkles.

45. Now with these cookies, nothing can be any sweeter.

Now while most of these are hearts, some of them are quite creative. For instance, there's a cupcake, flower, dove, a thought cloud and 2 hearts together.

Now while most of these are hearts, some of them are quite creative. For instance, there’s a cupcake, flower, dove, a thought cloud and 2 hearts together.

46. These 3 little monsters just need a little bit of love.

Now these are just simply adorable yet I wonder what's underneath their thick layers of icing meant to resemble fur. Probably cake.

Now these are just simply adorable yet I wonder what’s underneath their thick layers of icing meant to resemble fur. Probably cake.

47. These lego candy figures must have their hearts beating.

Now these are just so creative. Whoever had the idea of using Lego figures for Valentine's Day must be some sort of genius or wizard.

Now these are just so creative. Whoever had the idea of using Lego figures for Valentine’s Day must be some sort of genius or wizard.

48. These pretzel and gum drop arrows would go straight to your heart.

I'd just eat the pretzels and leave out the gum drops. Seriously, gum drops are disgusting candies. Yet, really cute to say the least.

I’d just eat the pretzels and leave out the gum drops. Seriously, gum drops are disgusting candies. Yet, really cute to say the least.

49. Nothing makes a great Valentine’s Day dinner like a heart pizza.

Now I like how they have heart pepperoni on this pizza. Yet, what's with the olives? Seriously, why?

Now I like how they have heart pepperoni on this pizza. Yet, what’s with the olives? Seriously, why? Not to mention, the yellow and white cheese.

50. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a heart peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Now this is a nice idea for kids on V-Day. Yet, I'm not sure that leaving the jelly uncovered is a good idea, especially if you put it in a little plastic bag.

Now this is a nice idea for kids on V-Day. Yet, I’m not sure that leaving the jelly uncovered is a good idea, especially if you put it in a little plastic bag.

51. These Valentine cheese, pepperoni, and crackers would make perfect party appetizer.

I like how they're used on the butterfly crackers. Also like how they have XOX in cheese and the heart shaped cheese and pepperoni.

I like how they’re used on the butterfly crackers. Also like how they have XOX in cheese and the heart shaped cheese and pepperoni.

52. Now these heart gobs are simply to die for.

Let's just hope the pink bit isn't strawberry flavored. I mean it's said that strawberry and chocolate don't taste good together.

Let’s just hope the pink bit isn’t strawberry flavored. I mean it’s said that strawberry and chocolate don’t taste good together.

53. Now these heart pizzas will certainly make your valentine smile.

Of course, these are among things made for kids. Still, I think these pizzas are so cute, especially with the olive eyes.

Of course, these are among things made for kids. Still, I think these pizzas are so cute, especially with the olive eyes.

54. These Rice Krispie heart pops are simply lovely.

Of course these are covered in icing and sprinkles. Yet, these are so cute though they may contain a lot of sugar.

Of course these are covered in icing and sprinkles. Yet, these are so cute though they may contain a lot of sugar.

55. If you can’t say it with flowers, say it with these tomato tulips.

Now these tomatoes are cut, stuffed with cream cheese, and have long onions as stems. Still, a pretty clever idea if you think about. Sure won't have these delivered to you from Edible Arrangements.

Now these tomatoes are cut, stuffed with cream cheese, and have long onions as stems. Still, a pretty clever idea if you think about. Sure won’t have these delivered to you from Edible Arrangements.

56. Treat your dog this Valentine’s Day with this iced treat bone.

I don't know whether it's a V-Day dog treat or a human treat emphasizing puppy love. Still, people can be quite weird with their pets sometimes they can see them too much as children.

I don’t know whether it’s a V-Day dog treat or a human treat emphasizing puppy love. Still, people can be quite weird with their pets sometimes they can see them too much as children.

57. Wake up your valentine with these heart cinnamon rolls.

Okay, this is very irresistible stuff as well as addicting. Nevertheless, it's nice how they made these rolls into hearts and fit time in a dish.

Okay, this is very irresistible stuff as well as addicting. Nevertheless, it’s nice how they made these rolls into hearts and fit time in a dish.

58. Show your love this Valentine’s Day with these watermelon hearts.

Of course, they have watermelon hearts and orange arrow ends as well as connected by toothpicks. Still, these are so clever and healthier than some of the arrow hearts.

Of course, they have watermelon hearts and orange arrow ends as well as connected by toothpicks. Still, these are so clever and healthier than some of the arrow hearts.

59. Cool down this Valentine’s Day with this heart ice cream sandwich.

Let's hope that's not strawberry ice cream filling because combining it with chocolate tastes disgusting. Also, I hope the lights don't make it melt.

Let’s hope that’s not strawberry ice cream filling because combining it with chocolate tastes disgusting. Also, I hope the lights don’t make it melt.

60. Show your sweetheart you’re hot stuff with some hearty potato chips and salsa dip.

Of course, chips and salsa might be more appropriate for a different occasion. Say, Super Bowl Sunday.

Of course, chips and salsa might be more appropriate for a different occasion. Say, Super Bowl Sunday.

61. Have your valentine wake up to the smell of these heart doughnuts in the morning.

Of course, this would be a great valentine for your neighborhood police officer walking the beat, stereotypically speaking.

Of course, this would be a great valentine for your neighborhood police officer walking the beat, stereotypically speaking.

62. Now this is a great part of a complete Valentine’s Day breakfast.

Of course, there's heart fruit salad and heart pancakes with a heart pin through them. Not to mention, sprinkle sauce to top them. Still, seems made for a kid.

Of course, there’s heart fruit salad and heart pancakes with a heart pin through them. Not to mention, sprinkle sauce to top them. Still, seems made for a kid.

63. Make Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with these love bug cupcakes.

Sure these are full of sugar and may cause diabetes. Yet, they're just so adorable your kids will love them.

Sure these are full of sugar and may cause diabetes. Yet, they’re just so adorable your kids will love them.

64. Treat your valentine to these lovely striped chocolate hearts.

I don't know about you but these are probably cakes underneath the icing. Still, since they're chocolate, I'll certainly eat them.

I don’t know about you but these are probably cakes underneath the icing. Still, since they’re chocolate, I’ll certainly eat them.

65. Make Valentine’s Day special with this large strawberry heart cake.

Methinks, this was professionally done in some sort of bakery. Seriously, I can't see how even a housewife can have that much time on their hands.

Methinks, this was professionally done in some sort of bakery. Seriously, I can’t see how even a housewife can have that much time on their hands.

66. Show your love with these fruit tart heart cookies this special Valentine’s Day.

Now these may look tasty to some. Yet, to many fruit cookies are just disgusting. Then again, the filling is probably just jelly.

Now these may look tasty to some. Yet, to many fruit cookies are just disgusting. Then again, the filling is probably just jelly.

67. Make a nice Valentine’s Day snack with these potato heart cookies.

Now these might be more appropriate for Super Bowl Sunday than Valentine's Day. In fact, they might be more appropriate for Saint Patrick's Day since they're made from potato.

Now these might be more appropriate for Super Bowl Sunday than Valentine’s Day. In fact, they might be more appropriate for Saint Patrick’s Day since they’re made from potato.

68. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a bouquet of chocolate covered cookies or something.

Of course, like the heart pops, these were covered and chocolate and decorated with sprinkles. Yet, some are more intricate than others.

Of course, like the heart pops, these were covered and chocolate and decorated with sprinkles. Yet, some are more intricate than others.

69. Treat your valentine than toast with a heart made of strawberry jelly, I think.

Now I think this makes up for a sweet breakfast don't you think? Better than a heart Toad in a Hole, in my view.

Now I think this makes up for a sweet breakfast don’t you think? Better than a heart Toad in a Hole, in my view.

70. Nothing is sweeter for Valentine’s Day than these Oreo mini cake sandwiches.

Of course, these have not just Oreo cake, but icing and sprinkles, too. Still, these are adorable and look good enough to eat.

Of course, these have not just Oreo cake, but icing and sprinkles, too. Still, these are adorable and look good enough to eat.

71. For your Valentine’s Day appetizers, you can’t do wrong with heart shrimp.

Of course, this is probably for a restaurant as it seems like. Still, I know some people might find this arrangement tasty.

Of course, this is probably for a restaurant as it seems like. Still, I know some people might find this arrangement tasty.

72. For your Valentine’s Day lunch, you might want to go with these heart sandwiches.

Of course, I'm not sure if those are regular sandwiches or BLTs. Then again, it's okay to look under them, is it?

Of course, I’m not sure if those are regular sandwiches or BLTs. Then again, it’s okay to look under them, is it?

73. Nothing makes a Valentine’s Day dinner memorable than having heart burgers and heart potato chips.

Of course, these might be bad for your heart if you aren't too careful. Don't say I didn't warn you about that.

Of course, these might be bad for your heart if you aren’t too careful. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about that.

74. Have your sweetheart wake up to these heart waffles this Valentine’s Day.

Of course, it's a more nutritious meal if you just add the blueberries. Still, I think these might be store bought.

Of course, it’s a more nutritious meal if you just add the blueberries. Still, I think these might be store bought.

75. Start your sweetheart’s day with these heart nutella and strawberry pop tarts.

Of course, these pop tarts are much better for you than those you buy at a store. Nevertheless, these are adorable.

Of course, these pop tarts are much better for you than those you buy at a store. Nevertheless, these are adorable.

76. Now nothing makes Valentine’s Day quite romantic than having such heart sandwiches as these.

Of course, these are caviar sandwiches as you can see with the dress one. Nevertheless, they may be too expensive to make and I wouldn't recommend it.

Of course, these are caviar sandwiches as you can see with the dress one. Nevertheless, they may be too expensive to make and I wouldn’t recommend it.

77. Show your love to your children with these pink love train cookies.

Now these sweet candy/cookie trains are adorable and would make wonderful treats for a child's school V-Day bash. Man, what you can do with pink cookies and life savers.

Now these sweet candy/cookie trains are adorable and would make wonderful treats for a child’s school V-Day bash. Man, what you can do with pink cookies and life savers.

78. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a fruit tray of grapes and chocolate covered strawberries in a heart.

Of course, you can dip the strawberries in the chocolate fondue fountain. The grapes, not so much.

Of course, you can dip the strawberries in the chocolate fondue fountain. The grapes, not so much.

79. Of course, you can’t have Valentine’s Day without some heart candy corn.

I know that this candy is probably home made. Yet, since it's a controversial candy for Halloween, I wouldn't risk making candy corn for Valentine's Day.

I know that this candy is probably home made. Yet, since it’s a controversial candy for Halloween, I wouldn’t risk making candy corn for Valentine’s Day.

80. Treat your sweetheart to these Valentine’s Day jello hearts.

Of course, these are just jello squares with hearts in them. Yet, don't ask me how someone can pull that off because I don't really have jello that much anymore.

Of course, these are just jello squares with hearts in them. Yet, don’t ask me how someone can pull that off because I don’t really have jello that much anymore.

Happy Valentine’s Day with These Vintage Ads of Yesterday

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To be honest, I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s because it’s a holiday centered around romance while I haven’t experienced much of it since most of the guys I had things for didn’t like me back or just have a funny way of showing it that I didn’t quite get which sometimes sent me to suspect the worst (you know who you are). Then again, contrary to what 30 Rock says Saint Valentine’s Day isn’t a Catholic holy day since we’re not sure whether the martyred bishop of love was a real person (not to mention that most Catholic Masses don’t last beyond 45 minutes). Still, with the exception of getting chocolate candy from my parents and flowers, I can basically take or leave it. Still, since sweethearts tend to exchange gifts such as jewelry, flowers, candy, lingerie, or stuffed animals. So there are plenty of opportunities for businesses to advertise their products. Now I can go crazy about the cute vintage Valentine’s ads like the couple sharing the Coke one above. Yet, I realized that would be more taste like diabetes and vomit inducing than the sweetness Valentine’s Day is associated with. Instead, I’ll show ads that don’t make Valentine’s Day such a lovely mid winter holiday for the greatest gift businesses can receive: cold hard cash. So without further adieu, here are some terrible Valentine’s Day ads from your grandparents’ generation.

1. This Valentine’s Day, fellas, give your girlfriend the gift you’ll need to transport with your pick up truck that’ll break your bank.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine's Day isn't the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman's dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman’s dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas or her birthday.

2. Ladies, nothing says Valentine’s Day for your gentleman like a new silk necktie.

Now this is the kind of guy's gift that says: "I didn't know what else to give you. But I know you're a guy and needed to give you something. So here's what I got you for $60."

Now this is the kind of guy’s gift that says: “I didn’t know what else to give you. But I know you’re a guy and needed to give you something. So here’s what I got you for $60.”

3. This Valentine’s Day cake gives you a way to get in a man’s heart through his stomach.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she's anticipating for the poison to take effect.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she’s anticipating for the poison to take effect any minute now.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than Rheingold Extra Dry Beer.

Now I'm sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine's Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I'm not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

Now I’m sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine’s Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I’m not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

5. Give your loved one a gift they’d be grateful to have this Valentine’s Day, a pre-mortem funeral arrangements.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives' funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine's Day. And when it comes to Valentine's Day guys have it easy since it's a girly holiday to begin with.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives’ funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine’s Day. And when it comes to Valentine’s Day guys have it easy since it’s a girly holiday to begin with.

6. Give your sweetheart Hinds Honey and  Almond Cream for this Valentine’s Day as these girls make a lacy Valentine’s Day card for their mother it seems.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

7. Schrafft’s Chocolates are the candies that lead to a girl’s, uh, I’d like to say heart.

From how the guy's hands are position, it seems like he's about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they're about to get their nasty on to me.

From how the guy’s hands are position, it seems like he’s about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they’re about to get their nasty on to me.

8. Give your sweetheart the Valentine’s Day gift they’ll appreciate, tires.

Uh, aren't these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I'm sure they aren't anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I'm sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness.

Uh, aren’t these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I’m sure they aren’t anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I’m sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness. Still, I’d be a bit concerned if I were their parents.

9. Send a valentine to those you love with a card from American Greetings.

I don't know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn't make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

I don’t know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn’t make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

10. Guys, when it comes to being the perfect valentine, make sure you’re the Kreml guy on the lower right.

From PopSugar: "The description for "Slicker" seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester's Will burn-book: 'Your dome's so slick we don't know whether that's human hair or patent leather.'" Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you'd see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he's a creepy stalker of some woman's nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he's put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

From PopSugar: “The description for “Slicker” seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester’s Will burn-book: ‘Your dome’s so slick we don’t know whether that’s human hair or patent leather.'” Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you’d see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he’s a creepy stalker of some woman’s nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he’s put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

11. Give her a valentine that would put  stars in her eyes and music in her heart.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who'd do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who’d do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

12. Oh, he remembered Valentine’s Day! And he sent me Whtiman’s chocolate.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor's man remembered Valentine's Day, doesn't really guarantee she's going to stay with him. I mean she's known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men. Those 7 divorces aren't cheap, man.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor’s man remembered Valentine’s Day, doesn’t really guarantee she’s going to stay with him. I mean she’s known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men (twice to Richard Burton and one to a guy she met in rehab in the 1990s). Those 7 divorces don’t come cheap.

13. For those in long distance relationships, send them a Valentine’s Day telegram from Western Union.

From PopSugar: "Ending a Valentine's Day telegram with "guess who" sounds a teensy bit stalkerish." Yeah, I'd think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

From PopSugar: “Ending a Valentine’s Day telegram with “guess who” sounds a teensy bit stalkerish.” Yeah, I’d think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

14. You’re never too young to give or receive Faroh’s finest chocolates!

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn't cute, it's disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn’t cute, it’s disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

15. Aim for the best with Chesterfield cigarettes.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart's heart. But they'll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart’s heart. But they’ll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

16. Rheingold Extra Dry Beer: The perfect gift for your man this Valentine’s Day.

"Drink up, honey buns, for I've prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don't feel like driving tonight? Don't forget, that you can't be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states."

“Drink up, honey buns, for I’ve prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don’t feel like driving tonight? Don’t forget, that you can’t be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states, sweetie.”

17. For your son this Valentine’s Day, why don’t you pack him a sandwich for school with Mor: a thrifty meat.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she's very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn't good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it's disgusting.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she’s very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn’t good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it’s disgusting.

18. Please your valentine with these Manhattani peppermint pajamas.

From Popsugar: "My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine's Day because after all that chocolate you're gonna want something loose." Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

From Popsugar: “My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine’s Day because after all that chocolate you’re gonna want something loose.” Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

19. Nothing says sex and romance on Valentine’s Day like V-Day pajamas for the whole family!

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine's Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I'm sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine's Day. Of course, he'll probably never wear them again after this picture.

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine’s Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I’m sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine’s Day. Of course, he’ll probably never wear them again after this picture.

20. Give her the gift of chocolate with Whitman’s candy sampler.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

21. Heads, you win! Seriously, what does that mean?

Oh, I see. Guys, I don't think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave.

Oh, I see. Guys, I don’t think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave. Yes, they’re literally man eaters and watch out, boys, they’ll chew you up.

22. Nothing satisfies a man this Valentine’s Day than a shirt and tie from Arrow.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine's Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I'm sure a dress shirt and necktie aren't gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you're better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine’s Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I’m sure a dress shirt and necktie aren’t gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you’re better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

23. Now what to give a woman? Vacuums or flowers?

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they'll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won't be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they're running.

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they’ll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won’t be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they’re running.

24. “People all over the world (everybody)/Join hands (join)/Start a love train, love train.”

From PopSugar: "Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you're pretty much dead." Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I'm sure that's not what the O'Jays had in mind when they recorded, "Love Train."

From PopSugar: “Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you’re pretty much dead.” Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I’m sure that’s not what the O’Jays had in mind when they recorded, “Love Train.”

25. Remember “Remembering Day” and give me chocolate. Or else.

From PopSugar: "If your man doesn't remember Valentine's Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he's either blind or a hermit." Also, I don't know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

From PopSugar: “If your man doesn’t remember Valentine’s Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he’s either blind or a hermit.” Also, I don’t know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

26. Give the ladies in your life the gift that’ll last a long time: granny panties.

What's even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you'd find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn't seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter.

What’s even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you’d find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn’t seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter. Also funny that these are called, “Lollipops Bubble Duds.”

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Jolly Green Giant.

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn't seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine's Day for God's sake? Farmers?

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn’t seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine’s Day for God’s sake? Farmers?

28. Remember, guys, the Whitman master won’t quit at 5 this Valentine’s Day so give your girlfriend chocolate.

Of course, I hope that guy doesn't work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he's pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

Of course, I hope that guy doesn’t work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he’s pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

29. Make this Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with this lovely double decker heart shaped cake.

From PopSugar: "How to feel bloated on Valentine's Day — so romantic!" Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it's almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

From PopSugar: “How to feel bloated on Valentine’s Day — so romantic!” Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it’s almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

30.Nestle chocolate: A great way to a woman’s heart.

It seems that this woman doesn't just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.

It seems that this woman doesn’t just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.