The Carving World of Wood Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 29, 2015

We use wood for all kinds of things. We use it to build stuff. We use it to make furniture. We use it to burn for fuel. However, there are some people who use wood for creating works of art whether through carving, chainsaw, or whatever. Of course, I’m talking about wood sculpture. Sure you might see some neat carvings at festivals. Still, while wood may be flammable, biodegradable, and vulnerable to insect damage, it’s fairly easy material to sculpt. Unlike metal, you don’t need to make a mold or use any fire unless you want to. Unlike glass, it’s not delicate and easily breakable (well, for the most part). Unlike clay and ceramics, you don’t need to put it in a kiln. And unlike stone, you don’t need to continuously hammer it with a chisel unless you want to. Just take any assortment of cutting tools from your local hardware store and cut away. Not to mention, wood is a rather light material and take in fine detail. Nevertheless, wood sculpting has been extremely widely practiced and forms an important but hidden element of many cultures. The Native Americans tribes in the Pacific Northwest are a major example since they build totem poles (though we know little of how that tradition developed since wood tends to decay. And outdoor sculpture doesn’t last long). But you’d find some form of wood sculpting tradition all over the world which is still practiced today. I mean you still have wood sculpting at festivals in the summer and fall as well as contests. Hell, you can even buy some wood sculptures for indoor use online. Of course, some types of wood are easier to carve in than others. So without further adieu, I now present to you an assortment of wood sculptures for your reading pleasure.

Seems like this fox is either stumped or is just standing on a stump.

Now that’s a nice color for a fox like that. However, I’m not sure if that’s the color of the wood or spray paint.

2. Of course, eagles will always have to fly back to the nest.

Birds are a popular motif in wood sculpture. And you’ll see a lot. However, how I see it, I think the dad is the one taking care of the chicks while the mom is spreading her wings. Because in bald eagles, the female is supposed to be bigger.

3. It seems that Mary’s little lamb has sprouted some big horns.

Contrary to popular belief, sheep aren’t docile or dumb as you think they are. Sheep actually have good memories and are very social animals. Also, if cornered some will attack you. Rams are also pretty aggressive that they’re used as mascots on sports teams.

4. You might see wood sculptures a lot during special events in the summer and fall. However, you wouldn’t see sculptures of nudes like this one.

No, can’t show that in front of the kids. But at least she has a lot of highly defined features. Though I’m not sure about whether her boobs would be real if she was an actual person.

5. In North America, there is no better known red bird than the Northern Cardinal.

Now the cardinal is a very pretty bird as I can admit. However, this doesn’t mean that it seven states should adopt it as their state bird. Yeah, apparently when it comes to state birds, originality doesn’t seem to be the focus here.

6. This old crow is a wise and strong one among his tribe.

Then again, this might be a raven if it comes from the Pacific Northwest. They tend to be significant among that culture.

Then again, this might be a raven if it comes from the Pacific Northwest. Ravens tend to be significant among that culture. And it’s also wearing the tribal robes.

7. Of course, I wouldn’t want to cross this hawk on wood.

Not sure what the hawk is. Know it’s not a red tailed or red shoulder. But it almost looks real.

8. Yes, I’m certain that bears and birds of prey can exist on the same tree.

And I guess the eagles eat whatever the bears catch. Then again, these may be cubs. The owl just goes out alone for critters.

9. Try to dance in these dancing shoes.

Then again, these shoes really don’t look appropriate for clog dancing. Or ballet. Or anything. Of course, they’re just for show.

10. When it comes to trees, none is more magnificent than the Tree of Life.

Now this was a sculpture that is carved from wood. Wood comes from a tree, which is currently dead from how I can tell it. See the irony here?

11. Of course, a wine chalice must always be covered in vines.

Wonder if they use something like this in churches. Then again, it’s probably too delicate. Still, you have to admire the craftsmanship.

12. Now is the time for this owl to spread its wings.

Yes, it’s a day time sculpture and I know that owls are active at night. But it’s still quite detailed and magnificent, I may add.

13. Now a soaring hawk can be frightening as well as magnificent as it swoops for prey in flight.

Hard to believe that this hawk sculpture looks so lifelike. Seems like there’s nothing to keep it held up. Love the feathers, too.

14. Ironically, water usually tends to extinguish an open flame. Not this time.

But if you try to set this statue on fire, I’m sure it will burn. And you will most likely get in big trouble for arson.

15. It can be wise to avoid a dragon, especially when it’s hanging out with its reptilian friends.

As you can see, this is an Asian carving. Probably from China or Japan. Not sure how old it is. But somehow it seems East Asian dragons tend to have scales and feathers.

16. Seems like this bird feels like letting out a loud, “kaw.”

If crows and ravens can talk, I guess you can hear them say, “I just love the smell of roadkill in the morning.” Seriously, the smell of decaying flesh is a delicious aroma to them.

17. Looks like one buck has just become dinner for a pack of wolves.

Actually, wolves don't act like this in real life. To them, going after a strong buck is just plain stupid. Wolves go after easier prey like the very young, sick, weak, and very old. Hell, if you see a pack of wolves eating a full grown animal, it's likely to be old and dead of natural causes. Yes, wolves will wait for an adult animal to die.

Actually though quite dramatic, wolves don’t act like this in real life. To them, going after a strong buck is just plain stupid. Wolves go after easier prey like the very young, sick, weak, and very old. Hell, if you see a pack of wolves eating a full grown animal, it’s likely to be old and dead of natural causes. Yes, wolves will wait for an adult animal to die.

18. Now here we come to a rather playful little elephant.

Let’s hope the tusks on this one aren’t made from real ivory. Because that would be bad. Very bad, indeed.

19. A rose may be a rose but this one seems to have a lot of shavings.

Now that’s a huge rose. Probably derived from a chainsaw carving. Kind of looks obvious. Wonder how they’ll shake off the shavings.

20. Now this toucan certainly has a stunning beak to behold.

This is a sculpture from Costa Rica where many toucans live. Not sure which one this is. Still, very colorful beak.

21. Seems like this polar bear prefers to stand on its stump.

Now this little polar bear is adorable. Though its eyes seem a little sad. Of course, I’m not sure how it would handle climate change with the ice caps melting.

22. Now this snowy owl always seems like a beautiful snowbird in flight.

Of course, I see where it’s hung. However, it’s still quite gorgeous with its wings spread out like that. Kind of see why Harry had an owl like this.

23. Now this is where you put your leather jacket.

Actually that wooden jacket may look real. But it wouldn’t be comfortable to wear. Well, if you can wear it. Also, what’s in that pocket?

24. Now this woman is enjoying a stroll in her new hat.

And something seems to catch her eye. But I don’t know what. Still, her hat seems a bit flat for some reason.

25. Now that is one big, scary moth.

Man, those wings look huge. And I bet they weren’t easy to carve with a chainsaw. Still, big bugs are terrifying. Need I say more?

26. Of course, you always have to stop and smell the flowers.

Now these look quite lifelike. If they were painted with the right colors, I might not be able to distinguish them from the real thing.

27. Still, I hear that a light bulb can brighten a room any day.

Except if it’s carved from wood. Yeah, I know this wouldn’t do well on a dark night. Well, unless you burn it.

28. Now this skeleton just wants to lounge around for awhile.

Guess this guy is taking a break from the graveyard shift tonight. Yeah, even undead skeletons need a little R&R now and then.

29. Now this horse definitely looks majestic in the sunlight.

Horses are another common motif in wood sculpture. And this one is no exception. However, if you want to buy a wooden horse as big as this, always check for Greeks.

30. Think this came from a wild cat? Think again.

Now if it weren’t for the wood marks in this, you might’ve had this owner arrested for poaching. Still, this is quite cool.

31. Now this angel seems to like standing by the window.

For some reason, biblical angels are typically addressed as male. But you tend to see them in artwork as female. Then again, it’s said that angels in the Bible tend to look quite freaky.

32. Of course, you can’t do without a wooden sculpture of a cathedral.

This must’ve been carved by someone with a great deal of talent, attention to detail, and an ungodly amount of patience. And it was most likely not carved by a chainsaw.

33. Even in art, dolphins can be beautiful in the ocean.

Now this is quite stunning. However the shadows in this picture make ti a little hard to see. Must be about 6 on this.

34. A wooden rose will be best used to decorate a wooden box.

Now this looks quite lifelike and beautiful to behold. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to use this for anything though.

35. “Ah, the Norwegian Blue. Wonderful plumage.”

Actually there’s no such thing as a Norwegian Blue because parrots are tropical animals. Still, this blue parrot is quite pretty if I do say so myself.

36. Remember that a sturdy trunk makes a good tractor.

Guess this tractor didn’t take a lot of sawing to produce here. But it seems to require a lot of assembly. Nevertheless, quite clever.

37. Now the bald eagle has always been America’s majestic symbol.

Now this almost looks like the real thing I almost mistook it for taxidermy. You see, how great wood is used for carving stuff?

38. Of course, this mermaid is sure to let anyone go with her under the sea.

Still, in a lot of mythologies, while mermaids are usually pretty, they’re not always nice or bright. In fact, some legends have them drown sailors through their songs. Whether it’s accidental or on purpose depends on the culture.

39. If painted, this lighthouse is bound to look pretty on a postcard.

Of course, I wouldn’t want to take this lighthouse on any beach. And if it was smaller, you’d see it at some souvenir shop in New England.

40. With handcrafted flowers, any beauty creations are possible.

Wonder if these flowers would look any prettier with colors on them. Then again, maybe not. Best not disturb what the artist intended, shall we?

41. Seems like these feathered fantasy creatures are really getting at it.

And it seems that this fight is costing each one some of their feathers. Not sure what these two creatures are. Think the artist made them up.

42. This wooden motorcycle puts the pedal to the paddle.

Well, saying “pedal to the metal” would be pretty ridiculous here. Also, I’m sure it doesn’t do well with gasoline.

43. Sorry, rabbit, but you ain’t coming home tonight.

Seems like it’s going to be rabbit stew at the hawk’s nest tonight. Yeah, that rabbit never had the chance. Sure this might look quite frightening but it’s how nature works, kids.

44. When it comes to eagle mating, just lock talons and spin.

Now this is quite an amazing sculpture. Wonder how the person who created this pulled it off. Not to mention, painting the thing.

45. Guess this is the music equipment for the Stumps.

Sure the woodwork is fine. But I don’t think the equipment is guaranteed to work. Still, quite a set up here.

46. Not every bird of prey can sit on a ledge majestically as this hawk.

You should know that birds of prey are popular subjects in wood sculpture. Because case in point, birds of prey are cool. Just ask anyone.

47. This black bear has been working on the railroad all the livelong day.

Seems like he’s the one holding the lamp so he can devour some tasty railroad workers. But sometimes railroad work can be simply unbearable, even to a bear in coveralls.

48. Even churches may sometimes have their share of intricate woodwork. This is depicting the Assumption of the Virgin Mary.

This is from a medieval cathedral in Europe. And man, how they did this without power tools must be some act of the Holy Spirit working the carvers who made this. How else can I explain stuff like this.

This is from a medieval cathedral in Europe. And man, how they did this without power tools must be some act of the Holy Spirit working within the carvers who made it. How else can I explain stuff like this.

49. Now this is the sculpture pertaining to what lovers dream.

Of course, the position of these two figures is highly unrealistic. And it was probably executed this way to hide the man’s genitalia.

50. Seems like this eagle has managed to get the catch of the day.

Yes, it was quite the flight but it was worth it. Still, wonder what kind of fish that is. Guess it’s from some freshwater source.

51. There is no better wood sculpture that defines American character than this one of American Gothic.

Yes, it’s perhaps the most famous painting in American art. And it’s been parodied for decades. Sometimes I’m not sure why.

52. It’s always handy to carry a change purse with you, especially if it has a chain.

Now I wonder how they managed to carve out the chain. Would be very interesting to know. Love the floral design.

53. Someone seems in the mood for a rustic convertible.

Then again, it might be cheaper to go with a cedar cedan. Also, kind of looks like a Volkswagen which is known for being “eco-friendly” until they’re not.

54. Ladies and gentleman I give you, Our Lady of the Mahogany.

Now this is another very old wood sculpture which you can’t buy. Might’ve been carved by a famous artist from centuries ago. Not sure who.

55. This Indian seems really taken with the view.

Native Americans seem to be a common subject in wood sculpture for some reason. At least in America. By the way, this is a Plains Indian. And not all Indians dress like that.

56. Guess this guy is traveling to his destination by bird.

This is an old Japanese artwork which is unsurprisingly not for sale. It was probably made in Japan’s medieval era. Not sure what legend this recounts.

57. Of course, you can’t round off North American birds without including the Blue Jay.

Now I like blue jays and think they’re rather pretty birds. But there are some people who think these birds are annoying. They don’t understand.

58. Sometimes it pays to travel by Jeep, especially in the military.

Yes, this is a wooden jeep. Easy to set fire to, but not meant to drive in. But still, it really looks like a jeep but with everything furnished.

59. Of course, this piece exemplifies how Renaissance wood carvers put their modern counterparts to shame.

Now this sculpture of Mary weeping of Jesus is quite amazing. And in some ways almost looks real. However, it’s no Michelangelo’s Pieta.

60. Now this snake seems to have a sneaky side about it for some reason.

This is another old artwork from Japan. And it almost seems quite lifelike for a wooden snake. But it’s curled in the shape of a turd.

61. Seems like this owl now has its wings right open.

Yes, this owl has its wings spread in all its glory. And yes, marvel at its feathers in all its glory. Of course, critters beware.

62. Now you can’t talk about the saints in woodwork without including Saint Michael and the Dragon (wait, a minute, isn’t it supposed to be Saint George and the Dragon?).

Now this might be a contemporary religious subject. But the wood work in this is awesome. Just look at the details here.

63. This Japanese woman always knows when to come in with style.

This piece might be of some Japanese art form which I don’t know the name of. But while most of her body is wood, her head consists of ivory and metal. Also, another old medieval piece you can’t buy.

64. May I present to you, this gilded Buddha.

Yes, this is a very old statue and it’s paint has not worn well. However, I can be sure that this was made of wood and is not for sale.

65. You may take some birds’ presence for granted but you’ll never forget when you see a Pilated Woodpecker.

Now I’m sure that bird is bigger than the real thing. But I love the paint job. Really brings out the colors.

66. Sometimes all you need is one big quill.

Now this is Pacific Northwest Native American design. Just look at the markings. Still, wouldn’t mind having that.

67. Of course, you can’t have a post on wood sculpture without penguins.

From how the chick looks here, it can go either way for the parent. Still, this is adorable if you ask me.

68. Now an elk has always been a great creature of the American West.

Well, at least there wasn’t much to do with the color scheme. Still, it does look quite real and majestic when you look at it.

69. How about travel the countryside in this VW microbus?

If this was a real working vehicle, it would be one of the most eco-friendly cars around. Oh, wait, it’s from Volkwagen. So this is basically false advertising.

70. Somehow this fire breathing dragon tends to rise out from the panel.

Now some of you might be familiar with dragons in East Asian culture. But you have to admit, this is pretty cool.

71. My, what a lovely hat.

Not sure if I can wear it or if I even want to. Still, it almost looks like one you’d see at a store. Then again, it would if the ribbon was painted in a color that stands out.

72. Of course, a teddy bear has always been a toy for all ages.

Yes, it may look cute but it’s not cuddly. Besides, since it’s a wood carving, trying to hug it might cause splinters.

73. Sometimes you’ll never know what you’ll find on other people’s clothes lines.

I’m sure wearing wooden panties wouldn’t be comfortable to say the least. Might feel like wearing a chastity belt that runs the risk of causing splinters.

74. Of course, in China it would be awesome to see a dragon boat like this.

Now this is quite pretty. Wonder what a life size one would look like. Then again, you’d probably not see one in Beijing. Too much pollution.

75. When it comes to the kitchen, sometimes you can’t separate the cookbook from the cutting board.

Not sure what this person’s cooking up here. Those ingredients could suggest almost anything. So could the book.

76. There are some days when you just want to devour a nice, juicy steak.

However, I wouldn’t recommend anyone to eat this. It’s not very tender and tastes rather woody and painty. Yeah, disgusting.

77. Sometimes wood carving can help bring a painting to life.

Now this painting is rather famous for some reason. Still, I heard it takes place in a 19th century park known for its disparate dress code policies for men and women.

78. In the event of modern war, you can’t leave your ground troops without a tank.

Of course, despite being armed with all the latest state of the art weaponry, it would be pretty useless in battle. Still, makes an awesome museum piece that boys and young men would enjoy.

79. Of course, who can’t forget that adorable robot from Disney and Pixar’s WALL-E?

Now this is so cute. Wish they had one of EVE. Of course, I can see why a wood sculpture of that one wouldn’t work.

80. Still, some people tend to play their video games on their X-Box 360.

However, you wouldn’t be able to play video games on this XBox 360 Console. Because it’s all made from wood and just for show. Still, would go great in any entertainment center.

Not in My Name: Why I Oppose Capital Punishment

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 28, 2015

For much of our history capital punishment has been seen as method to execute criminals (especially in Texas). However, as flawed as our justice system is, many support the death penalty for certain criminals since many of them committed such heinous crimes (or were accused of them), then they must pay. Some argue that it provides closure for the families of murder victims in a way that justice has been served. Some say it deters crime since most people fear capital punishment anyway as well as keep the costs of prison down. However, while the death penalty has been one of the oldest forms of legal punishment in history I have always harbored significant doubts on its morality as well as its effectiveness against deterring crime (yet it’s still legal in Pennsylvania as well as the US). Sure plenty of people fear death and would go out of their way to avoid the ultimate penalty, but are death sentences really worth it? It has already been abolished or ceased practice in 139 countries and in most democratic nations it is applied in only the rarest of cases. And recently, many US states have either abolished the death penalty or taken steps to do so even in red states like West Virginia or Alaska. Yet, many people of both parties remain convinced that capital punishment is a viable form of justice on some certain level. And while the EU has staged an embargo on the drug used for legal injections, some states have tried to find cheaper and more efficient alternatives like a firing squad. Here is a list on why I oppose the death penalty.

1. Support in death penalty is culturally based. Believe it or not, most people who support the death penalty do so because they were raised with the idea as a viable form of punishment. Since capital punishment has been around in nearly every civilization for thousands of years, but just because it’s always been around doesn’t necessarily make it right. However, old ideas don’t always die when you want them to and there are people who still believe that cold-blooded killers deserve to die and our culture gleefully promotes this concept since this is what usually happens to bad guys. To these people seeing a convicted criminal executed is proof that the system works regardless of other implications so much so that they would say anything to justify why capital punishment should remain.Thus, belief in capital punishment has much more to do with one’s culture than systematic effectiveness overall.

2. The death penalty fails to recognize a guilty person’s potential to change and denies an opportunity for them to rejoin society. While society has always looked down on criminals, death row inmates are especially prone of being judged irredeemable because the crimes they committed lead to a death sentence. Sure there are plenty of death row inmates who aren’t sorry for their crimes but many do have the capacity to change and/or amount to some benefit to society. Let’s face it, humans are complicated and unpredictable creatures. Not to mention, contrary to popular belief, criminal convictions don’t define someone as a bad person incapable of rejoining society. It just means they’re guilty (though to be fair, death row inmates aren’t nice people to begin with). For instance, take Robert Stroud (of Birdman of Alcatraz fame) who reared and sold birds during his solitary confinement in Leavenworth Prison as well as became a self-taught ornithologist and author. Yet, before his birding days, Stroud was sentenced to death at one time in his life for stabbing a prison guard, though the sentence was eventually commuted to life imprisonment which not only led him to keeping birds but also finding a cure for a family of avian diseases. It would be hard to imagine what farmers and ornithologist would’ve missed if this man was executed between 1916 and 1920. Yet, unlike the favorable Burt Lancaster portrayal (who changed from a violent anti-social thug to intellectual and soft-spoken pacifist), the real life Stroud was a diagnosed psychopath widely disliked and distrusted by the jailers and inmates who knew him as extremely difficult and demented as well as a vicious killer. Nevertheless, his story illustrates even bad guys like him can do some very good things if given the chance and that a person’s crimes shouldn’t define one as a human being. Saying that certain criminals deserve death is determining them irredeemable, which in many ways denies their humanity.

This cartoon shows a quick look at the death penalty in California, a state known for its horrible prison situation. Since 1978, to execute someone in this state costs $4 billion with the legal process taking 25 years. And it only managed to execute 13 people. Perhaps prison overcrowding isn’t so bad at least when it comes to taxpayer dollars spent per prisoner.

3. Executions cost more than a lifetime in prison. While the prison system may have their own problems, they keep some of the worst criminals off the streets who are now serving a life sentence without parole. Of course many proponents argue that capital punishment helps relieve the costs of caring for condemned criminals. Cases resulting in life in prison usually cost approximately $500,000 on average from arrest to incarceration and once it’s delivered, the case is usually closed for now. Cases involving the death penalty by contrast, can cost to as much as $1-3 million, sometimes even $7 million in taxpayer money and they usually involve a lengthy and complex appeals process sometimes lasting a decade on average all because someone’s life is on the line. Thus, death penalty cases involve more lawyers, more witnesses, more experts, longer jury selection process, more pre-trial motions, an entirely separate trial for sentencing, and countless other expenses that could rack up costly expenses before a single appeal is filed. Add to that the fact most death penalty trials are found to be significantly flawed and must be re-done, sometimes more than once. Even in most cases in which the death penalty is sought, it’s almost never imposed. And when it is imposed, it’s rarely carried out. Still, the costs of all this regardless of outcome is paid by the taxpayers. These proceedings divert resources which could be better used for more positive endeavors like helping homicide survivors, education and social programs, scholarships for orphans, libraries, hiring more police officers, and other things. Not only that, but money may be the main reason why more states have decided to abandon capital punishment in the first place. As much as caring for condemned criminals costs taxpayers, it’s much cheaper than trying to execute them.

In recent years, wrongful convictions have become more apparent in the American legal system in recent years. Recent years have seen more exonerations by DNA evidence. And this has gone up for death row inmates as well. Thus, it’s apparent that capital punishment kills innocent people. As to how many, it will never be known.

4. You can’t remedy a wrongful execution. In the criminal justice system, there is always a potential for error whether it be the acquittal of a known murderer or the conviction of someone completely innocent. Of course, if there’s a miscarriage of justice, the system should be able to correct it in due time. Sure some murderers may be free to kill another day but that doesn’t mean they’d necessarily be lucky the next time. And innocent people serving time in prison can always be exonerated via DNA evidence. However, whenever the system sentences someone to death, one of the reasons why the death penalty legal process is so long and complicated is just to ensure that innocent people aren’t wrongfully executed. Yet, even with these protections, there’s still a risk of carrying out a wrongful execution which can’t be taken back. In the US, since the 1973 around 143 death row inmates have been exonerated and most simply because of the weak cases against them and nine times more frequently than others convicted of murder. Some haven’t been so lucky and it’s very difficult to determine how many innocent people were executed there’s often insufficient motivation once an execution occurs. Still, whenever someone is accused of a serious crime, there are plenty of factors that can result in wrongful conviction like inadequate legal representation, government misconduct, eyewitness error and perjured testimony, junk science, racism, snitch testimony, false confessions, suppression and/or misinterpretation of evidence, and social pressure to solve a case. Our criminal justice system is far from perfect and can’t be right 100% of the time. Yet, in capital cases, a wrongful conviction can be deadly and you can’t take back a human life.

This is a chart depicting the causes of wrongful convictions. A lot of this involves government misconduct. But this can also include erroneous eyewitness testimony, false confessions, bad legal representation, informants, and others. And each case can have multiple causes.

5. Most death row inmates were convicted while being defended by court-appointed attorneys who are often the worst paid, most-inexperienced, and least-skillful lawyers. The quality of legal representation provided plays a determining factor whether a defendant will face execution. Since most defendants in capital cases are too poor to afford a lawyer, the job defending the accused will usually fall to public defenders. Yet, these court appointed attorneys are often overworked, underpaid, or lack the experience to take on death penalty cases that they are inadequate providing a good defense. There are some instances where defense attorneys have arrived to court drunk, slept through the proceedings or failed to do any work in preparation for the sentencing phase. Also, whenever a capital case is set aside by a federal court, it mostly because the defense attorney’s incompetence that the accused’s constitutional right to effective counsel was violated. And it’s not uncommon for the defense attorney to be disbarred or disciplined for unethical or criminal behavior. Alabama has been notorious for providing especially shoddy counsel to defendants in capital cases. It has the distinction as the only state with no statewide public defender system though its death row inmates are overwhelmingly poor. In the US, we expect everyone to have a right to a fair trial, especially if a person’s life is at stake. Yet, if defendants in capital cases are given inadequate legal representation, how can they receive a fair trial?

6. Capital punishment doesn’t deter crime. Many proponents would argue that capital punishment by saying that it’s the ultimate warning against all crimes and sets an example to other would be criminals. Yet, while many people fear a death sentence, fear is hardly a good teaching tool and capital punishment’s effectiveness in deterring crime is questionable. In fact, there is no reliable evidence whether the death penalty has any effect on homicide rates at all as most criminologists believe. Some may argue that using the death penalty may brutalize society and lead to more murders and most proponents no longer consider deterrence as a serious justification for its continued use. The threat of execution may dissuade some from committing premeditated murder and so does getting caught. Not to mention, many murders are committed in moments of passion, anger, or by criminal substance abusers or acting impulsively. Those who commit first degree murder, either don’t expect to get caught or don’t weigh the consequences. Sometimes the legal consequences don’t even matter since some criminals may see life in prison as a fate worse than death anyway. Not to mention, consider the fact capital punishment has existed for thousands of years, yet people still commit murder regardless of the ultimate penalty.

Racial disparities are endemic in our criminal justice system. In capital cases, while a significant portion involve a black or Hispanic defendant, the overwhelming majority involve white victims. Looking at these disparities, I can’t blame the people at Black Lives Matter for stating their case.

7. Race and socioeconomics of both defendant and victim play determining roles on who lives and who dies. Discrimination by socioeconomics and race have always been a problem in the criminal justice system and it is no different in capital cases. In our criminal justice system, it’s not unusual for poor black and Hispanic defendants to receive harsh sentences, especially if the victim was a white person. Death sentences are issued and/or sought by a prosecutor were more likely involve a black or Hispanic defendant killing a white person than white defendant killing a person of color. This is the case especially in the South given its legacy for racial discrimination as well as its tendency to apply the death penalty more than any other part of the country. And most of the time the defendant is poor so they won’t have an adequate defense. Not to mention, out of all the 143 death row inmates exonerated for innocence, most of them were either black or Hispanic as well. The racial and socioeconomic disparity regarding the death penalty can’t be ignored because it seems to be a statement that the lives of impoverished minorities are less important than whites and that killing a white person can mean the harshest of penalties. In short, most of those executed consists of those with the fewest resources to defend themselves as well as the color of their skin. We shouldn’t have that.

The lottery determining who gets the death penalty in America vastly depends on location. Defendants who live in Texas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Arizona are the most likely to get executed in the country. Texas is notorious for carrying out the death penalty that I’m surprised it executed only 15 people in 2012.

8. Jurisdiction politics play major roles in capital cases than the facts of the crime itself and is applied at random. Another major factor in capital cases pertains to the makeup of juries which can also determine whether the defendant will receive a death sentence. A juror’s race, religion, and attitude toward the death penalty can influence how they cast the first vote during the jury’s penalty phase. White Southern Baptist males are more likely to support the death penalty than any other group and thus are more likely to cast first for death as well as be selected for these juries. Jury selection in these cases could be rife with discrimination which tend to ensue juries to be disproportionately prone to handing down guilty verdicts and death sentences. Many are said to have decided a defendant’s guilt and sentence before the trial even began and have a tendency to not understand their own duties such as considering mitigating evidence. Juries in capital trials are even said to deliberate less thoroughly and less accurate than juries that better represent the whole population. Also, give into account that most executions take place in the South and that significantly more death sentences are sought than carried out creates a lethal lottery in the criminal justice system. So it’s possible that a convenience store armed robber can receive death while a methodical serial killer gets prison.

9. Capital punishment doesn’t relieve suffering from the victims’ loved ones. While proponents claim that capital punishment brings closure to victims’ loved ones, they tend to overlook the long and complex legal process as well as the heightened media coverage. These factors can make the death penalty process for victims’ families for many years (average capital cases usually take about a decade sometimes even longer), often requiring them to relive the pain and suffering with the endless reopening of old wounds. Media coverage on death penalty cases will usually focus on the legal consequences instead of the human ones where it belongs and attention is more often centered on the accused. Not to mention, hundreds of millions of dollars are spent on the death penalty each year which could be better spent on violence-prevention efforts, victims’ services, or solving unsolved cases. A life sentence without parole can provide certain punishment without putting murderers in the headlines, which may allow grieving families some time to heal since their loved one’s case doesn’t have to be revisited again.

Now this Timothy McVeigh graphic was taken from a satirical newspaper called The Onion. But it demonstrates how guys like the Oklahoma City bomber got tons of publicity in the days leading up to his execution. Now McVeigh was a terrorist who killed about 168 people and injured over 680. Had this guy gotten life in prison, we would’ve not heard about him again until his death in obscurity from natural causes. And you’ll only hear about it in the obituary section. This was the death he deserved.

10. The death penalty gives some of the worst offenders undeserving publicity. Capital cases bring more media coverage and public interest than those pertaining to any other sentence. It’s not uncommon for death row inmates to receive reams of publicity as their date of execution nears which gives them a chance to expound their ideas and become media celebrities. The media attention placed on death row inmates not only can give families more grief but also may encourage others to commit violent acts, especially unstable people attracted to media immortality. Since death row inmates have their days numbered, they don’t really learn from their crimes and may not even regret them. On the other hand, violent offenders who receive life in prison without parole will face a lifetime of obscurity and regret, which may make the path to violence far less glamorous for many. Perhaps maybe be sentenced to hard labor to pay reparations for the victims’ families. If there is anyone who doesn’t deserve media coverage, it’s a murderer. While a death row inmate’s execution gets front page news, a notorious killer sentenced with life in prison won’t be remembered until his or her name appears in the obituary section.

For a long time in history, people watched public executions as a form of entertainment. Today executions are usually covered by the press leaving details of the prisoner’s last moments. Nevertheless, executions teach that killing is always a viable solution even though it isn’t.

11. Executions have a corrupting effect on the public. Public executions have been seen as a form of entertainment throughout much of history since many people didn’t really have access to all the mass media outlets we have today like books, TV, or internet. Yet, given the amount of media attention placed on death row inmates, there is probably no doubt that executions attract some degree of excitement in the public. TV crews don’t hesitate to give details of the prisoner given a stay of execution during the appeals process in the execution chamber. And then there are the last visits from family, the last meal, the last walk, and the last words. Many times this could turn into one big dramatic soap opera with people wanting to see a criminal die. Of course, The Hunger Games may argue that the public likes to see almost anyone die, which kind gives insight about capital punishment’s fucked up entertainment value. And there were even people entertained by the brutality in that series while missing the point the trilogy tried to make. Yet, sometimes such spectacles of executions may teach the public that killing is a viable solution even though it isn’t.

12. The death penalty is incompatible with human rights and human dignity. The notion of the state taking another’s life without questioning the mitigating circumstances is perhaps one of the main reasons why capital punishment faces plenty of opposition from religious groups, especially during recent times. When it comes to right to life, many people believe this also extends to the lives of convicted criminals and that capital punishment essentially dehumanizes people and society. If life is considered an inherent human right, then capital punishment must be a human rights abuse, especially since its also attached to a bunch of other forms of injustice. Many believe such abuses to be unacceptable, especially if such actions are illegal among the general public. Some may claim that it’s impossible for anyone to determine who deserves to die or be spared. It also violates a person’s right not to be tortured or be subject to any form of cruel and unusual punishment since there is no humane way to kill. Many religious groups oppose capital punishment for these reasons. Yet, since the US continues retaining the death penalty which denies a person’s right to life, then it can deny other rights that go along with it. And it doesn’t help that most countries that still have the death penalty are notorious human rights abusers like Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and China.

13. The death penalty promotes revenge. When someone is murdered, it is only natural for people to want something done to his or her killer. A lot of times many grieving families do wish that the murderer be put to death and while the emotional impulse for “an eye for an eye” is strong, it’s not always right, even if it does appear often in movies. Revenge should never be a sufficient justification for capital punishment in a mature society, especially one that should show much more respect for life even that of murderer. Encouraging revenge through execution only continues the chain of violence as well as increases the risks of angering the condemned’s families, especially if they were later found to be innocent. Besides, even with capital punishment, our society has never endorsed “an eye for an eye” since we don’t torture torturers or even rape rapists since those actions are inhumane anyway. For victims’ families, reconciliation and forgiveness are better alternatives.

14. Capital punishment forces families of executed criminals to suffer in unimaginable ways. Families of criminals never have it easy in any society and tend to suffer not only for the crime but also by the system that tries them. In any murder case, there will always be at least two families who suffer on opposite sides. While the victim’s family has to deal with losing a loved one, the murderer’s family has to deal with a lot of emotional turmoil as well since no one wants to see a loved one convicted. In a capital case, this is especially true since the killer’s life is at stake and no matter how terrible a murderer is, he or she still has people who care about them and would certainly miss them. Yet, unlike families of murder victims, families of executed criminals have to live with their loved one’s crimes even if he or she doesn’t. And many of them will have to mourn for their executed loved one in isolation while receiving little sympathy for their plight. They run the risks of being vilified and shunned by the community simply because of their association. Sometimes they may even lose jobs, be threatened, or have their homes vandalized. Some ran the risks of experiencing PTSD when seeing a loved one’s execution. Not to mention, many children of executed criminals may not understand what happened or be able to handle it. And many of these families aren’t well off. Proponents may say that criminals cause their own families to suffer but while that may be true, their lives may be so much easier if their convicted loved one didn’t have to die.

The notion that the death penalty involves killing murderers to show that killing is wrong is a glaring hypocrisy. Besides, all an eye for an eye amounts to is just revenge. And revenge is something we don’t need.

15. Capital punishment sends a message in a most hypocritical way possible. When we’re young, we’re told that killing is wrong, yet Americans live in a country which still condemns killers to death to teach that no one has the right to kill. Though killing may sometimes be necessary when it can’t be avoided, it’s seldom justified. Yet, if a nation executes people for murder, then perhaps the country is no better than the crooks it condemns. Maybe even more so if those executed are innocent people. Yet, giving some of the circumstances of death row inmates and victims in the US, it can also be used to show that some lives are worth more than others, which is a very terrible lesson to teach. It’s hypocritical enough if it’s Ted Bundy getting executed but what does it say about this country if it tries to teach that killing is wrong by issuing a death sentence to people of color too poor to defend themselves? Some may argue that an entity saying who lives or dies is equivalent to playing God.

Barbara Graham was a prostitute, drug addict, and a thief. However, her murder case involving the killing of Mabel Monohan shows how complicated a murder case could be. There are conflicting accounts by two of her associates in the crime. So it’s hard to say whether she did it but she was convicted and executed of the crime anyway. Probably should’ve been sentenced to life.

16. Life in prison is a much better solution in difficult cases. Even when a defendant in a capital case is guilty and sentence to death, you can’t really determine whether capital punishment is ever justly applied. While some proponents may think capital punishment should only apply to those convicted of the worst crimes, many get executed on serious crimes that are hardly seen as remarkable. Death row inmates are almost always too poor to defend themselves while socially marginalized people of color are especially vulnerable to receiving a death sentence and they usually are represented by court appointed attorneys who hardly put up an adequate defense. And sometimes local politics can play a major role on who gets to be on the penalty phase jury. Not to mention, there’s a good chance that many prisoners on death row may have an undiagnosed mental illness or experienced some form of trauma during their lives, have experienced substance abuse, and may have killed out of anger or impulsively. Murder cases can be very complicated and capital cases can take years to sort out whether the murderer should be executed. However, in cases with the penalties being life in prison, the defendant just needs to be convicted and the decision can be reversed if needed. Besides, sentencing criminals to prison usually falls to the judge, not jury so local politics play little influence in it. Also, most guilty lifers usually fade into prison life obscurity shortly after they leave the courtroom. When it comes to difficult case, life in prison provides a more swift and certain punishment while capital punishment provides neither.

17. Capital punishment hurts other prisoners, too. While proponents may say that capital punishment is a good bargaining chip for murderers to serve life without parole since everyone fears a death sentence. Yet, there is no correlation whether the death penalty does just that. What a death sentence threat can do, however, is increase the likelihood of some defendants more willing to accept a given plea bargaining offer or even taking responsibility for a crime they didn’t commit. After all, many defendants don’t have adequate legal representation anyways and a threat of execution may give them more reason to give up their constitutional right to a trial to save their lives. Scaring defendants into confessing things isn’t a reliable form of interrogation and can even ruin people’s lives. Sometimes execution threats can result in more cases going to trial, which I have already discussed what could happen there. Still, using the death penalty as a plea bargaining chip may increase the risk of wrongful convictions and may do little to deter wrongful executions.

Yes, this is a funny cartoon from Bizarro, a favorite comic of mine. However, being an executioner isn’t a nice job since they tend to suffer from PTSD from having to kill. So there’s no reason why any correction worker should risk their mental health over revenge.

18. No civilian’s job description should include killing another person. Despite how they appear in movies, the occupation or executioner was often an undesirable job that it was performed by people who’d otherwise be executed. These people were often unskilled in their work as well as suffered from a lot of mental anguish over it. And it wasn’t uncommon for many to commit suicide. Of course, we don’t have executioners anymore in the Western World since many countries have abolished capital punishment or in America’s case, aren’t carried out very often. But when they are, executions now are performed by corrections officers and medical doctors. And these people don’t have benefit of having heard all the evidence presented to them at the trial, which might make some doubt the defendant’s guilt. Like the executioners of old, they’re involved with executions and frequently suffer from PTSD from having to kill. Prisoners pose no threat to our society once in custody. So there’s no reason why correction workers should risk their mental health simply to pursue vengeance.

Supporters who think the death penalty as a cheaper alternative to life in prison often forget the complex appeals process involved in arranging an execution. In California, this usually takes 25 years. That time could be better spent in the court system.

19. Capital cases involve endless appeals processes and required additional procedures that clog our court system. Now the US criminal justice system is already overloaded with more cases than it can deal with. And despite what you see on TV or movies, legal procedures aren’t short affairs. It can take years for a case to go to court and there have to be so many legal procedures to take place before a trial could begin. Most lawyers usually try to avoid trials. The criminal justice system is no exception, which is why most criminal defendants take plea bargains. In death penalty cases, trials aren’t optional. If the defendant is convicted and sentenced to death, there are countless appeals processes and other legal procedures that cost not just taxpayer money, but also time and space. And the US court system tends to go to great lengths to see the death sentence carried out. Thus, all the appeals, motions, hearings, briefs, etc. monopolize much of the time of judges, attorneys, and other court employees as well as use up courtrooms and facilities. Nationally on average it’s said that the process takes 8-10 years. Such time and space could be used for other unresolved matters. Meanwhile, you have people in jail for years simply waiting for their day in court. And most defendants are encouraged to take a plea bargain simply because the US court system is tremendously backed up. Getting rid of the death penalty may help move things along.

20. High profile death penalty cases attract top talent lawyers for little or no cost due its publicity and their personal beliefs against capital punishment, increasing the chances of a technicality or a manipulated jury will release a guilty person. While most death penalty cases usually involve terrible legal representation, ones that attract an excessive amount of publicity tend to attract top lawyers who desperately want attention and can manipulate the system through any means necessary in order to get someone off without punishment. And besides, defending someone accused of a horrendous crime garners much more sympathy than representing a crooked Wall Street executive. This is especially true if the defendant is a young white woman who’s fairly attractive like Barbara Graham or Casey Anthony. There are entire organizations that sprung up to fight death penalty cases and often provide funding to legal defenses. And many lawyers have made stomping out capital punishment a lifetime crusade.

Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen was a homeopathic physician and outright quack who was charged with brutally murdering his wife Cora at their London home in 1910. He was tried, convicted, and executed. At the time everyone saw him as guilty. However, it’s apparent that the body parts found in his basement were planted by Scotland Yard who were under tremendous pressure to solve a heinous crime. Besides, recent DNA evidence has revealed that the body parts found not only weren’t Cora’s but also belonged to a dude.

21. High profile death penalty cases put enormous pressure on the prosecution and police that they encourage misconduct. Since death penalty cases attract media coverage, law enforcement and prosecutors are under pressure to show that justice in their mind has been done. And they tend to do all they can to ensure a conviction, sentence, and execution. And pressure tends to lead to some degree of misconduct which can result in a wrongful conviction. Hell, even in non-death penalty cases there’s still a lot of pressure and fuck ups. Failure to catch Jack the Ripper put British police and Scotland Yard under intense public pressure to solve the case of Cora Crippen’s disappearance in 1910 in which friends suspected that her husband, homeopathic physician and outright quack, Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen had something to do with it. I mean he and his wife didn’t get along before she disappear without a trace and was openly living with his girlfriend shortly after (who was wearing Cora’s clothes and jewelry) as well as selling some of his wife’s stuff. And when they found a set of grisly remains under the Crippens’ basement floor (suggesting she was brutally murdered), the guy was arrested on a transatlantic cruise ship while trying to flee to Canada with his girlfriend (both disguised as a father and son). He was tried, convicted, and executed. At the time the Crippen ordeal seemed like an open and shut case while everyone thought him as obviously guilty as hell (ditto the fact it received an obscene amount of media coverage in 1910). However, despite how he was about as convicted by public opinion like Casey Anthony but utterly lacked her great fortune, Crippen was almost certainly innocent of killing his wife (well, as far as we know. Then again, we have absolutely no idea what happened to her after her disappearance). We know this for these reasons:

Modern DNA test results show that the remains found in his basement not only weren’t Cora’s but also belonged to a man. (This based on mitochondrial DNA tests from the torso against that of Cora’s great-nieces and one DNA test method that’s highly sensitive to the Y chromosome {which was done several times}. However, the DNA stuff has been contested).
Cora Crippen disappeared in January of that year while Dr. Crippen was arrested in July, which was around the time the remains were found. Thus, this would mean the remains would’ve been sitting in the Crippens’ basement for almost 6 months. During this time Scotland Yard had searched the Crippens’ home a total of 5 times.
The remains were found under the Crippens’ basement floor in an area that was under the dining room. As someone who’s seen dead critters decompose on the side of the road, I’m well aware that decaying flesh gives off an odor that is strong and foul. And even the stench of a dead possum can be smelled from several feet away. If Dr. Crippen killed his wife and disposed her remains in his basement, then the police should’ve been able to find Cora’s body parts on their first search. Not on their fifth within a 6 month period. Large areas in the house should’ve carried a stench that there was a dead body in there.
The remains were said to be placed in quicklime to be destroyed. While dry lime can disintegrate stuff in no time, the dirt underneath the Crippens’ basement floor was wet. And when lime meets water, it becomes slaked lime which is a preservative. The cops should’ve found more body parts.
The remains included no head, limbs, and skeleton. In fact, they mostly consisted of soft tissue such as skin, hair, organs, and muscle. Anyone who’s worked with dead bodies can tell you that soft tissue usually decomposes before bones. So why the police were able to find soft tissue in Crippen’s basement and not bones? Even Raymond Chandler thought it was unbelievable that this guy can dispose his wife’s limbs, head, and skeleton successfully but bury the torso under the cellar floor of his home. And the way the authorities try to justify how Crippen disposed the other body parts pertain to methods you see on Breaking Bad or Dexter.
Police reports state that the victim had been poisoned and then mutilated and dismembered. Most poisoners usually try to cover up their murders by doing all they could to make it look like an accident. Such sick acts like mutilation are extremely rare among poisoners and are things we associate with serial killers like Jack the Ripper. In fact, this is the only poisoning case involving dismemberment most poison experts are aware of. Besides, such acts seem such an unnecessary step for someone who wants to quickly dispose a body.
The so-called scar tissue found that was interpreted as consistent with one Cora was known to have due to the hair follicles, which convinced the jury that the remains found at the Crippen house were hers. Scars don’t have hair follicles, a fact so obvious in 1910 that Dr. Crippen’s defense pointed it out.
The circumstances surrounding how the remains were discovered gives me the impression that someone put them at the scene with the intention to be found and to make Crippen seem like very sick individual. Remains suggesting a horrifically grisly murder would be guaranteed to make headlines. And the case didn’t go public until after the remains were found. The fact Scotland Yard was under tremendous pressure to arrest someone for a heinous crime gives me reason to think that the remains were planted during the final search.

It’s obvious that Crippen was a victim of police misconduct of planting evidence, which not only got him convicted of murder but also got him hanged. I’m not sure how much the death penalty influenced this case in 1910 since it was applied far more often, but a high profile case like Crippen’s does fall prey to errors by the prosecution whether it be police brutality, planting evidence, mistaking the evidence, politics, racial profiling, or what not.

No, this isn’t a bed from Christian Grey’s sex dungeon. This is a bed they use to restrain a prisoner for lethal injection, the most popular method and “humane” execution method in America. This involves strapping a person to this thing, knocking them out, and injecting a bunch of poisons in them. Sounds like a humane way to execute someone? Didn’t think so.

22. There is no such thing as a humane execution. For a long time in history, executions happened all the time and nobody gave a shit whether the methods were humane or not, at least until recent times. In fact, in the olden days, executions were supposed to be agonizing, slow, and cause much suffering as possible. Think of Jesus’s crucifixion and how he suffered a horrifying and tortuous death on a cross. Yes, it’s brutal but that was how most people before recently, thought how executions should be. And they were done in public to scare people straight as well as provide entertainment for the community. The idea that punishment shouldn’t be cruel and unusual is a recent invention. But nowadays, we tend to struggle with not having cruel and unusual punishment when it comes to the death penalty since it involves killing someone. Since the idea that capital punishment hast to be “humane” there have been execution methods consisting of hanging, electrocution, gas chambers, firing squad, lethal injection, and what not. Now we’re well aware that the gas chambers were used by the Nazis to kill Jews in their concentration camps. Still, when you see some of these methods on TV or movies, they don’t seem anywhere near humane. I mean does being shot by firing squad seem like a quick and painless way to die? Not how I see it. Or what about having a ton of volts pumped into your head? Me neither. Or what about being injected with poison? Didn’t think so. Besides, it’s said that most lethal injections tend to be botched at a higher rate than most 19th century methods.

Another popular execution method in the US is the electric chair where a prisoner is strapped to a chair like this and is electrocuted. Let’s just say if the electric chair doesn’t seem humane on The Green Mile, then it’s probably not in real life.

23. The death penalty expresses the absolute power of the state; abolition of this penalty is a much-needed limit on governmental power. Governments may not be perfect and the criminal justice system may make mistakes as well as commit their share of injustices. In some ways giving governments the power to kill somebody is too much. And it doesn’t help that many governments have and still do abuse this. Many of these governments are dictatorships that have executed people for dissent and who knows what else. But not even liberal democracies are exempt from this either. The US criminal justice system struggles with issues pertaining to incompetence, perjury, police brutality, and wrongful convictions. Do you want a government like that to decide whether a person lives or dies? The US constitution doesn’t forbid the death penalty nor does it mandate its use either. Congress is free to abolish it at the federal level and so would the states.

Although most Americans still support the death penalty, support has considerably declined in recent years while opposition has grown. At the government level, more states have voted to abolish it due to costs. Not only that, but most violent criminals are usually sentenced to life in prison anyway.

24. The death penalty has recently fallen out of favor, even in the United States. For a long time in history, the capital punishment was usually the only punishment for violent crimes. But as our societies evolved and realized that we could just imprison violent criminals instead of killing them, the death penalty has been applied less and less (except in dictatorships). Not only that, but as many as 139 countries have abolished it throughout the world. In the US, a death penalty case happens so seldom that one is bound to grab headlines, which adds to many violent criminals gaining undeserved publicity. Not to mention, while most Americans still support capital punishment, opposition has increased and as of 2015, 18 states have now abolished it. 6 of them have abolished it within the last decade. Out of the states that do, some haven’t had anybody executed in years. Hell, I can’t remember the last time Pennsylvania had anyone executed. Besides, most death row inmates usually die of natural causes before their execution date.

25. The severity of the crime plays no role in determining whether a defendant gets executed. Many supporters argue that the death penalty is supposed to be only applied to the worst crimes and the most vile offenders. However, most death sentences are determined on location, politics, socioeconomics, race, jury make up, quality of legal counsel, and whether or not the prosecutor decides to pursue it. Yes, I’m aware that death row inmates are generally not nice people. However, we should be aware that some of the most heinous murders don’t result in death sentences while some less heinous crimes are punished by death with co-defendants charged with the same and consistently receiving disparate sentences. Some of the worst of the worst like serial killers, gang kingpins and the like, are often spared the death penalty since prosecutors rely on their cooperation to help law enforcement close related cases. Nevertheless, such structures and biases in our society can make it impossible to limit the death penalty to some of the most heinous crimes by the most hardened criminals.

Yes, it’s long past due to end the death penalty. And I have to agree that capital punishment doesn’t help crime, doesn’t prevent prison overcrowding, is expensive, and can never be humane. Let’s just say the United States would be better off if we got rid of it. And no, I don’t give a shit about what the people in Texas think about it.

The Unholy and Heretically Bad Taste World of Religious Kitsch

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 26, 2015

Disclaimer: While this post may contain religious content, it’s not meant to make fun of religion. It’s just making fun of the religious stuff that’s by believers and for believers. In other words, it’s something religious groups bring unto themselves. So it’s not meant to offend just make fun of religious commercialism. I know people view religion as important to their lives. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of certain religious items, especially if they’re products that kind of contradict and trivialize that faith’s message. Case in point, anything depicting Jesus with a gun. Besides, as a practicing Catholic, I compiled this post in honor of Pope Francis’s visit to the United States whom I’m sure has a lot of crap being sold in his likeness as we speak. Besides, who says that religious people can’t have a sense of humor about their faith? Just ask Stephen Colbert.

Now as a practicing Catholic, I’m just as pumped about Pope Francis’s visit to the United States as anyone. Of course, I won’t see him personally but I wish him well and hope he has time to enjoy himself in this country. Nevertheless, Pope Francis’s visit has led to a surge in people selling a lot of religious crap. As with any religion, you tend to have a lot of religious products people are willing to buy, especially in America where people see Christianity and capitalism as non-conflicting principles. This is contrary to what Pope Francis says and as a proud Catholic liberal, I kind of agree with him on it. Now there are some religious stuff that’s tasteful like prayer cards and cross necklaces as well as other things. But there are religious products that bring a fine line between the sacred and the profane. But somehow they’re just too silly or too tacky too ignore that you got to have it. This is known as kitsch and it appears everywhere. So the fact that there’s a lot of religious kitsch out there shouldn’t be surprising. I mean it was bound to happen. Still, most of what I have to show you will be Christian related but I’ll try to be as inclusive as I can. And yes, that means you, Muslims. But I’ll try to not use a picture of Muhammad to appease you. So to honor Pope Francis’s first visit to the United States, I present to you some of the great stuff from the unholy world of religious kitsch, even if I go to hell for this. Then again, since Jesus and the Pope aren’t fans of religious capitalism and consumerism, maybe they’ll give me their blessing. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

Show your adoration for Our Lady with this Virgin Mary Barbie Doll.

Yes, they actually have this. Well, they have several of these whether you like it or not. However, I don’t know about you, but I really don’t think the Virgin Mary should be depicted with blond hair. That’s just my opinion.

2. Save your breath with Messiah mints.

Because nothing’s more unholy to Jesus than having bad breath. Even though Jesus and his disciples probably had halitosis all the time. So, yes, Jesus saves your breath with minty freshness.

3. Remember, that Jesus may be a man of peace but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know karate.

Yes, you see this Jesus is My Coach everywhere. However, I’m sure Jesus never traveled farther from his local Palestine in his life. So how he’d know karate is beyond me.

4. Show your devotion to the Virgin Mary with a neon sign in her likeness.

Man, this would go great with my velvet Jesus painting. Yeah, I’m sure this would be what you see on a Catholic church in Las Vegas.

5. Afraid of the dark? Then keep the monsters from under your bed with your very own Jesus night light.

On second thought, I’ll take my chances in the dark without this. Seriously, this is the creepiest night light I’ve ever seen. I mean Jesus’s face is just a large eyeball. Why?

6. Remember how Jesus died for your sins with this Crucified Christ pez dispenser.

I don’t know about you, but do you see anything wrong with making a Jesus pez dispenser like this? I mean the image of him bleeding from a crown of thorns really is nothing to commercialize like this. Seriously, this is ridiculous.

7. Jesus is the light of the world with these crucifix light bulbs.

Now I wonder how that’s possible. Yes, it’s tacky but it seems like a feat in electronics that hasn’t been repeated.

8. Show your devotion to Jesus with this pink neon crucifix.

For some reason, I find a pink neon crucifix kind of disrespectful to the moment it’s supposed to depict. Then again, I suppose anything goes in Vegas.

9. Yes, baby Jesus wants some lovin’, so why have you foresaken Him?

Is is just me or do I find baby Jesus on this shirt unintentionally creepy? Seriously, I think this is pretty tasteless on divine levels.

10. Light up your room with this Jesus light switch.

Then again, maybe a Jesus light switch isn’t a good idea. I mean look at its placement for God’s sake. Doesn’t help that he has his arms around the children.

11. Rock and roll all night with these Virgin Mary KISS statues.

Yes, these are Virgin Mary KISS heads. I know they may be offensive to some people like my grandmother. But still, these are hilarious.

12. Show your love for Jesus and the American way with this neon and gun Jesus statue.

Now this is just so wrong since Jesus did say, “whoever lives with the sword, dies with the sword.” Such displays would make Pope Francis shudder. But it’s simply hysterical. “No more Mr. Nice Jesus” indeed.

13. Remember that Jesus will be at your back, even in an untimely death.

Now I know there are children buried in cemeteries and their markers are unsettling enough. However, this one really seems to scare the hell out of me. And it's not because Jesus is holding the swing and can't be seen by the waist down.

Now I know there are children buried in cemeteries and their markers are unsettling enough. However, this one really seems to scare the living hell out of me. And it’s not because Jesus is holding the swing and can’t be seen by the waist down.

14. Make your own smoothies at night with this Jesus statue blender light.

Now why would anyone want a blender light in general is beyond me. Let alone any blender light that looks like Jesus. Seriously, why?

15. For all those celebrating Hanukkah, hope your kiddies appreciate this Ketzel the Cat Menorah.

Hey, Christians aren’t the only ones who have religious kitsch. If you’re a Jew reading this, feel free to talk about the cat’s significance to Hanukkah in the comments section. Because I have absolutely no clue.

16. For all you Jews out there, show your kids the magic of Passover with a set of Ten Plagues of Egypt finger puppets.

I think I might’ve seen this on either The Daily Show or The Colbert Report. Listen, Jews, if you want your kiddies to learn about Passover, I think it would be better to show them The Ten Commandments. It’s on the Saturday before Easter which coincides with Passover anyway. Finger puppets of plagues is kind of disturbing if you ask me.

17. Wash away your sins with Wash Away Your Sins hand soap, which kills sins on contact.

Of course, this is an example of false advertising. It may wash away the blood from your hands. But it won’t wash away the guilt you feel in your heart. Just ask Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment.

18. Work out and shed pounds the godly way with Praise! Aerobics.

Since I attend Mass once a week, I’m aware that Catholics have their own form of Praise! Aerobics like stand, sit, stand, kneel, stand, knell, sit, stand, and so on. So this is probably something released by Protestants.

19. Save your data with this Virgin Mary USB port.

I’m sure Mary will keep your data safe with her. Of course, I’d suggest you’d go with something like a holier than thou external hard drive. But if you like the iconography, that’s fine, too.

20. Keep the Old Testament faith alive with your very own Jewish Troll Doll.

Actually, I think this might be an Israel Troll Doll. But since it has a Star of David on it and Israel is a significant place for Jews, why not? Besides, troll dolls are pretty tacky to say the least.

21. Jewish Parents should let their kids cuddle with their very own Rabbi Teddy Bear.

Now this is actually quite cute. Of course, I’m sure he doesn’t allow cuddles on the Sabbath. It is a day of rest.

22. Show your kids the joys of the Festival of Lights with their very own Hanukkah rubber ducky.

Well, I did show a rubber ducky nativity scene in 2013. So it’s only fair that I try to be inclusive. Besides, if I find Hindu god rubber duckies, I’ll show that, too.

23. Show that Jesus Christ is your savior with this Jesus hand statue.

I’ve seen that they had stuff like this in in earlier centuries. However, the disembodied hand with icons coming from the fingers kind of gives me the creeps. And the stigmata marks aren’t helping either.

24. Have your prayers answered by the Submissive Jesus.

Doesn’t look submissive to me. More like on the verge of a nervous break down. Seriously, why?

25. Celebrate Hanukkah with your very own M&M menorah.

Apparently, Jews seem to really love M&Ms. How else could you explain this? Wonder if they have an M&M nativity scene.

26. Now you can see Jesus up close and personal through these sunglasses.

Note: Image is a European artistic representation and may not be in the actual likeness of Jesus. Remember that Jesus was a Palestinian Jew and probably looked more like someone who’s likely to get special TSA attention at your regular American airport.

27. This little shrine is bound to inspire spiritual devotion as well inspire fantasies of the flesh.

Yes, boy and Jesus praying on one side. Pinup Christian woman baring her cleavage on the other. And this was before Madonna’s rise to fame in the 1980s.

28. I guarantee you that this plush dog is 100% kosher.

Now I’m sure this is a stuffed animal for Hanukkah. However, doesn’t explain why the dreidels seem to be dancing on his head.

29. Have your kids travel to school with their very own Jesus backpack.

Of course, I’m not sure if a kid will be beat up at school for a backpack like this. But something in Jesus’s terrifying eyes tells me that you might not want to mess with him. Stop, Jesus, you’re creeping me out.

30. Sleep tight in this Jesus bedroom set.

Now I find this Jesus very scary as well. Makes me wonder whether he’s about to take your soul. Yeah, sometimes artistic representations tend to have rather unfortunate implications.

31. As we all know, nothing encapsulates the spirit of Christianity disasterpieces than Thomas Kinkade. Here is Thomas Kinkade’s Last Supper.

Now that’s a scene that will make Leonardo Da Vinci roll in his grave. Of course, my sister loathes this guy. So anything by Thomas Kinkade automatically counts as kitsch in this post or any post for that matter.

32. Smell like His Holiness Pius IX with The Pope’s Cologne.

Bet this pontiff didn’t think he was going to have his own fragrance line. Still, the thought of a Pope having his own cologne just makes me baffled. Seriously, why?

33. As Jesus said, “Give us this day of daily meds.”

Now I might not find it tasteful. But I think this Jesus pill box is quite clever and pretty funny. Like to see stuff that don’t take themselves too seriously.

34. Keep your room fresh with this Almighty Air Freshener from Wash Away Your Sins.

Love how they have “Seek and ye Shall Find Common Tainted Sin Zones.” These include cars, bars, bedrooms, bathrooms, TV rooms, church buses, kitchens, office, confessionals, granny’s house, roadside motels, and dorm rooms. Don’t know why they have granny’s house or confessionals. Wouldn’t think you’d find sin there.

35. Discover the good news with Bibleopoly.

Sorry, Malachi, but you can’t collect $200 if you have to go directly to jail. And no, Elijah, you can’t put a house on Nazareth because it’s mine, goddammit! And the Bethlehem Railroad’s mine, too. Got it?

36. For all you Mormons out there, guess nothing makes a holier game than on this Book of Mormon chess set.

Not sure what all those characters are supposed to be. However, I’m sure this isn’t something that’s based on the hit Broadway musical. Yeah, I’m not very familiar with Mormonism.

37. Make your kids feel secure with their very own Armor of God pajama set.

Now I really don’t know what to make of this. Seriously, how many kids would actually wear that? Well, there are those from families like the Duggars. But other than them? I mean these pjs look so stupid that they almost border on sacrilege.

38. No, that Jesus toast was no miracle but a product of this Daily Bread toaster.

Now this is just genius. After all, we’ve heard all sorts of things about Christ appearing on toasted bread. Maybe people should take advantage of this.

39. Now you can enjoy activities with our Savior with these Jesus action figures.

There’s Rodeo Jesus, Soccer Jesus, Motorcycle Jesus, Homeless Jesus, and Football Jesus. Collect them all. Still, talk about ridiculous.

40. Scrub yourself with papal freshness with this Pope Soap on a Rope.

Well, I had a Jesus Soap on a Rope for my soaps post. So I might as well have one of the Pope. However, I don’t think this one is of Pope Francis though. Then again, I’m not sure if I want rub the pontiff on my armpits.

41. Light up your world in time with this Jesus lamp and clock.

Now this is very disturbing. Is that Jesus from the chest up or Jesus sitting Indian style? I can’t be sure. Still, it’s freaky as hell.

42. Make your nails dazzle with these Jesus and Mary fake nails.

Why would anyone want these? Seriously, these are tacky beyond measure. I can’t even describe the divine tackiness here.

43. Spread the sacred Word of God on the beach with these Follow the Son flip flops.

Of course, if I had these, the only place I’d wear them would be at some nudist resort. And that would be for a joke. Man, I wonder who comes up with these ideas.

44. Experience the spiritual notion of martyrdom with your very own Saint Sebastian Ken.

Now depicting Saint Sebastian as a Ken Doll seems pretty disrespectful. Also tends to bear some resemblance to Justin Bieber which doesn’t help at all. And he seems to be smiling, too. Oh, and there’s the rainbow packaging.

45. For those who love video games, nothing makes scripture learning fun like Bibleman.

Hmmm…a Christian video game. It’s called, “Bibleman: A Fight for Faith.” Wonder how much un-Christian stuff is in this. Like violence. Also, looks like some video game take off from some 1990s cartoon.

46. Now you can seek your way to Enlightenment with your very own Nokia Buddha Phone.

Yes, this is is a Buddha phone. It has jade for a video button as well as Buddhist symbols on its edges. Yeah, it’s kind of over the top for a faith founded by a guy who preached moderation.

47. Now you can get comfy on the Lamb of God’s lap with this Jesus chair.

Okay, I really don’t want to sit on Jesus’s lap. Especially if it’s in a chair like this that doesn’t look very comfortable. And it’s rather freaky.

48. Strum up a sacred tune with this Virgin Mary electric guitar.

Now I can understand the cross fixture on this. But I’m not sure about Mary having angel wings. Still, wonder if any of the monks at Saint Vincent has one of these.

49. Guys, dress your Sunday best with these Jesus neckties.

Yes, ties have all sorts of tacky stuff on them. These are no exception. Yet, I can’t decide which one is more ridiculous.

50. Now you can hang your coats on these Jesus nail hand plastic coat hooks.

Oh, my God. This is just so insensitive that it’s not even funny. Seriously, who the hell thought these were a good idea should burn in to the hellfire inferno. For the love of god, why? Sweet Jesus, why?

51. Fill your soul with this popsicle crucifix.

Yes, eat more of this and you’ll see more of Jesus on the cross as a popsicle stick. Now I’m sure this isn’t in a very holy taste.

52. Make waffles part of this sacred breakfast with this Jesus waffle iron.

Now this is just crazy. As if Jesus toaster couldn’t be any more ridiculous. This takes it to another hilarious level.

53. Take a piece of the Vatican with you with this figurine of Vatican praying hands.

Now this might seem quite pretty. But having it in lime and neon green, not so much. I mean it’s as tacky as hell.

54. Show that you’re an enlightened driver with this Cat Buddha on your dashboard.

I’m not sure if I’d call a cat zen. Not only that, but Buddhists tend to be seen as vegetarians. And cats are seen as obligate carnivores so making one veg is animal abuse.

55. Make your room more holy with this Rainbow Light Last Supper Clock.

Not sure if such motif is appropriate for The Last Supper. Though tacky it is, it has a certain charm that everything that Thomas Kinkade ever did.

56. Decorate your Christmas tree with these Buddhist ornaments.

Yes, these are Buddhist ornaments. And yes, Christmas is a Christian holiday. But then again, Christmas is a popular holiday so anything goes. But I see the irony here.

57. Remember that you can always enjoy a good drink with For Christ’s Sake.

Lord knows what the Last Supper would’ve been like had the apostles drank this highly alcoholic Japanese rice wine. Yes, sake is very strong stuff.

58. As Jesus insisted, let all little children come to Him.

Now like I said before, kiddie statues in cemeteries are creepy. And I think this cemetery Jesus is even creepier than the last one I’ve shown in this post. No, kiddies, don’t go to Jesus. Grow up, have a life, and grow old and gray first.

59. Remember to always shoot for the University Baptist Church.

Anytime I see gun use in religious crap, I will put it on this post. I don’t care what faith it’s from. Religion and gunplay simply just don’t mix in my book.

60. Of course, this ashtray knows that Jesus hates it when you smoke.

Now an ashtray to shame smokers with Jesus’s likeness. If I have smokers in my house, I’d really want to get this.

61. For all you wine lovers out there, have a drink of wine made from the grapes of Galilee.

I’m sure this isn’t wine made from the grapes of Galilee. Hell, I don’t know if Galilee currently has any vineyards. However, they do make wine in California though. It’s probably from there.

62. With this Jesus grilled cheese maker, you don’t have to count on a miracle to see his face on your next grilled cheese.

Yes, you can make your own Jesus imprinted grilled cheese sandwiches with this. You just won’t get featured on the news for it. Kind of crazy if you ask me.

63. Seek some spiritual comfort with this Virgin Mary hip flask.

Of course, if I see anyone with a hip flask like this, I’d guess they’re fairly religious and really need to appeal to a higher power. And I don’t mean that way. I mean the Twelve-Step or AA. Seriously, you really need help.

64. Keep your lips pure and look good for Jesus with this Jesus lip gloss.

Now when I go to church, I usually wear my trademark hat and whatever else that I’m wearing. Because I know that God doesn’t give a shit on what I look like. Still, you’ll lose this before you finish it.

65. Defend yourself against unholy threats with this crucifix key chain knife.

I’m sure this isn’t bound to help you in a knife fight. Not to mention, you can’t really stab someone with such weapon. Then again, I may be wrong.

66. Enhance your little girl’s devotion with her very own Crucified Christ Ken Doll.

Uh, somehow seeing Jesus Ken smiling during his crucifixion kind of offense me. For God’s sake, Mattel, at least show the guy suffering under immense pain! His last words (among them) were, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Not, “Always look on the bright side of life.”

67. Celebrate the joys of Hanukkah with your very own Menorah Hat.

Ever get the impression that some Jews are trying to make Hanukkah as much like Christmas as possible. Guess they don’t want their kids to be bummed about not celebrating it. Still, this is just too much.

68. Enjoy the Hanukkah season with your Jewish friends by playing No Limits Texas Dreidel.

So you Jewish kids only get 8 gifts for each night of Hanukkah. But at least you get to play a dreidel game involving gambling. So it all ain’t that bad.

69. Watch out, everyone, for here comes the dreaded Nunzilla.

Man, someone must really not had a great experience in Catholic school. Then again, I’m sure the nuns would be offended by this. I know it’s pretty tacky and perpetuates negative stereotypes.

70. Now you can dress up Pope John Paul II with this paper doll book commemorating him.

Okay, I’m sure no kid would want a paper doll book depicting the life and clothes of Pope John Paul II. Seriously, a Virgin Mary paper doll book would be more popular than this. At least she’d have a more diverse wardrobe.

71. Honor the Hindu goddess of destruction with your very own Kali statue.

Okay, Kali isn’t that bad of a goddess in the Hindu pantheon. However, I’m sure she looks pretty silly with her tongue sticking out on this statue.

72. Of course, who could forget the class statue of Buddy Christ?

Yes, Buddy Christ is certainly a classic religious kitsch item, indeed. He’s also among the most amusing as well. Yeah, I can’t help but like this one.

73. Keep your pins righteous with your very own Saint Sebastian pin cushion.

Just because he’s a well known saint who got more arrows shot in his body than Boromir, doesn’t mean you should commemorate his martyrdom with a pin cushion. Seriously, this is fucked up for God’s sake. I mean why?

74. Commemorate the Resurrection with this Jesus statue by Thomas Kinkade.

As far as kitsch goes, I might as well have a whole post of religious kitsch stuff. However, I’ll spare those horrors from my little sister Molly. Don’t want to cause too much pain. And Jesus is going up to heaven like a rocket.

75. Make your night holy by wearing the Thong of Praise.

On second thought, don’t. Seriously, I don’t know if I should be insulted with seeing the Madonna and Child on a pair of skimpy underwear. But I’m shocked that somebody would ever think it was a good idea.

76. Big Head Blue Buddha says, “Peace out, man.”

Now this looks pretty ridiculous and incredibly tacky. But somehow there may be Buddhists who seem to buy it. Of course, some might be a fan of The Smurfs.

77. Remember, Satanists, you can’t worship Satan without purchasing candles with glass holders depicting kitties on them.

For some reason, I don’t equate Satan worship with cute kittens. Then again, to each his own. Still, these are too funny to ignore for this post. But I’m sure there are plenty of cat lovers who worship Satan out there.

78. Defend yourself from intruders with your very own Christian gun.

It’s one of the best state of the art Christian weapons since the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Still, I think this is more of a ceramic sculpture and might not work. Still, since it associates Christianity with firearms, I’m putting it on this post.

79. Seek enlightenment with your very own Buddha Ken Doll.

Apparently, Ken may seem enlightened but he also seems a bit too European for Buddha. Also, the man bun looks very atrocious on him.

80. Miraculously heal wounds with these Jesus adhesive bandages.

Of course, Jesus tended to heal the sick without using these. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy these. And yes, they’re utterly ridiculous as hell. But that’s beside the point.

Old Rules in the Evolution of Sports

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 24, 2015

Sports have been with us for a very long time either to play or to watch. And like most games, sports come with an object as well as a set of rules to follow in order to obtain it. However, we sometimes have a tendency sports for granted thinking that the game has been played this way. But you would be wrong since sport rules just didn’t come out in the open. Rather they had to be develop over time. In sports rules are meant to be broken. So much that they’re constantly revised to improve quality of play and participant safety, which are both important. I mean sports need to be fair and fun. And participants need to be safe or else the franchise or school can run the risk of being sued. So for your pleasure, I present to you old sports rules for favorite American games to show how they used to be played but with commentary for further comedic effect. This excludes sports that contain racing, targets, or judging.

Baseball

In the 19th century, baseball was a gentlemen’s game and a great American pastime. It was a time when pitchers can only throw underhand, balls can be caught on the bounce, a pitcher can cover a ball in his own saliva, batters can cite pitch preference, and umpires could confer with the players and fans. Even earlier, there were no strikes, teams played to a 21 score, and bases were run clockwise. Yes, it was a hell of a game in those days.

Until the 1920s, pitchers could coat the ball with anything at their disposal, including spit, mucus, and petroleum jelly. (Perhaps we should give germaphobic baseball players more respect, especially germaphobic pitchers. Seriously, disgusting.)

Of course, pitchers needed all the help they could get. Until 1883, they were required to throw underhand as if tossing a horseshoe as well as keep both firmly planted on the ground during their delivery. They were also prohibited from stepping toward the plate. (Gives you an idea of how much it sucked being a pitcher those days.)

Batters could call high or low pitch between 1867-1887. This helps explain some of the unusually high batting averages during that era. (Then again, I’m sure the players were less likely to be busted for steroid use.)

Called strikes didn’t exist until 1858. Before then batters stayed at the plate until they put the ball in play, regardless of whether it took one pitch or a hundred. A new rule change in 1879 declared that 9 balls made a walk. This rule was changed several more times until 1889, when it was reduced to the now-standard 4 balls. (If it weren’t for strikes, balls, or fouls, baseball games might’ve lasted for days.)

In the 19^th century, if an umpire can’t see whether a catch was fairly made, he could confer it with the spectators and the players. (Seriously, why confer with the fans or players? That doesn’t make any sense. Most of the fans would root for the home team. Besides, if this was a case the Pittsburgh Pirates wouldn’t have 20 consecutive losing seasons already.)

Fly balls can be caught off on a bounce until 1864, and foul balls until 1883. (Kind of sounds like something your mom used to do when your 6-year old nephew wanted to join the big kids’ kickball game.)

From 1885 to 1893, baseball bats were allowed to be flat. But it would be revoked since they have a tendency to splinter into pieces upon baseball contact. (Flat bats in baseball? Seriously, this isn’t cricket. Next thing, it’ll be just making up rules as you go along. Besides, think of all the splinter injuries among batters.)

Rather than crouching, catchers would stand a few feet behind home plate until the 1900s. (Wonder how that worked out. Guess this led to many catchers getting head injuries.)

Before a baseball game consisted of 9 innings from 1857 on, it wasn’t unusual for a baseball game to last until one team scored a predetermined number of runs, which was usually 21. (Now that’s crazy. I mean most winning teams don’t score that high in a baseball game for God’s sake.)

In the early days, whenever a ball was hit in the long grass or bushes, play was suspended until the ball was recovered with both teams fanning out to find it. (Man, imagine the delays you’d have at these games.)

In the mid-19^th century, a baserunner could be put out between bases by having the ball thrown directly at them. This was known as “patching,” “plugging,” or “soaking” was considered central to the manly spirit of the game. (And you think football has a problem with concussions.)

In the earliest days of baseball, bases were commonly run clockwise with today’s third being first. In some variations, the first hitting batsman could chose to either run clockwise or counterclockwise and the subsequent hitters in an inning would have to follow suit. (“Hey, Rodriguez, you’re running the wrong way! First base is on the right side of home plate this inning!” Man, really hate to be those players at the time.)

Golf

In the olden days, golf seemed to have rules that applied to just about anything. They had rules applied to whenever the ball landed in poop or was carried by a dog. They had rules pertaining to striking caddies. They even had rules applying to when it as appropriate for players to steal each other’s balls. Yes, golf rules could be very specific at times.

When one player’s ball blocked the path of another player’s ball on the green but was at least 6 inches away, the obstructing player’s ball wasn’t lifted. Instead, the player who was farthest away from the hole had to curve or chip their putt around their opponent’s ball. The “stymie rule” as it became known, was officially abolished in 1952, when the United States Golf Association and the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews established a new joint set of rules. (Both organizations must’ve believed that the “stymie rule” was lame or inspired a lot of bad behavior among golfers. Not that curving or chipping an opponent’s putt is very exciting.)

Golf courses haven’t always had a standard number of holes. That changed in 1764 when the Royal and Ancient Golf Club converted from 22 holes to 18 holes because the club thought the first 4 holes were too short. (So that’s how the 18 holes started. Seems like a pretty lame reason.)

Golf holes used to come in many sizes. That changed in 1891 when the Royal and Ancient Golf Club determined that the hole should have exactly a 4.25 inch diameter. The precise size was chosen in order to comply with a popular Scottish hole cutter invented 62 years earlier. (Seriously, if you wanted to standardize the size of the golf hole due to a popular Scottish hole cutting invention from 62 years ago, shouldn’t you’ve done it earlier?)

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club introduced stroke play in 1759 which granted victory to the player with the fewest strokes over a set number of holes. Before it was match play, whereby each hole was treated as a separate competition and the player who won the most holes, won the match. (Match play golf seems like fun. Then again, it’s probably as boring as hell, too.)

In 1744, players were required to tee the ball if it was within a club’s length of the hole. (Why couldn’t they just hit the ball with the club like most golfers do? Makes better sense.)

From 1908-1984 was a rule on dropped balls out of bounds or into the water which says: “A ball shall be dropped in the following manner: The player himself shall drop it. He shall face the hole, stand erect, and drop the ball behind him over his shoulder.” Today golfers now have to stand erect and drop the ball at an arm’s length. (And if you’re Tiger Woods, you better keep your man balls in your pants. Seriously, the shoulder rule is stupid.)

In 1828, a player was allowed to hijack an opponent’s ball should it land in a hazard like sand, mud, or rubbish. (“Seems like Tiger Woods has stolen his opponent’s ball in the sand trap again. Man, why can’t Tiger just play with his own balls?”)

In 1812, if a player’s ball struck his opponent or his caddy, his opponent lost the hole. But if a player’s ball struck his own caddy, then the player lost the hole. (Man, do I yearn for the days of 1812 when golf had the potential of becoming a contact sport. Would’ve made the game a lot more interesting and entertaining.)

In 1776, a player could pick a ball out of a fresh pile of excrement and play it on a one stroke penalty. (Guess they had a lot of livestock at the country club and no fence. Didn’t know golf rules applied to balls landing in shit.)

In 1773, a player could pay a fine for giving an old ball to his caddy. (Guess 18^th century golfers didn’t like helping their caddies. Jerks. They were also paid pretty shitty, too.)

In 1956-2008, players weren’t allowed to remove a ball for identification purposes. (Yes, this is stupid. Seriously, you can pick up a ball if it lands in shit but you can’t lift it to see if it’s yours? Makes no sense.)

In 1783, whenever a dog carried or hijacked a ball in play, the player was allowed to use another as long as it lay as near to the original spot. (Seems like 18^th century golf courses had a lot of stray dogs running around.)

Before the 14 club rule of 1939, a golfer could use as many clubs in a round as he wanted. (Boy, I’d sure hate to be a caddy before 1939.)

From 1744-1952, players had to play a whole round with one ball unless lot, even if it’s badly damaged. (Now that sucks especially if it’s covered in shit.)

Between 1744-1952, when a ball was within 20 yards of the hole, the flag stick had to be removed. (Golfers with poor eyesight were at a real disadvantage there.)

Tennis

Ah, tennis a genteel sport before the advent of Jon McEnroe and Serena Williams. However, early tennis was indoors with people passing a wooden ball with their hands over a 5ft high net.

During tennis’s infancy, the game mostly took place indoors, where the ball was played off the walls with the player’s hands. As the game progressed, some players started using gloves with webbing to protect their hands before eventually upgrading to a primitive form of today’s tennis racket. (To me, if it’s not two people hitting the ball over the net with rackets, it’s not tennis. Otherwise it’s a form of handball. Also, webbed gloves, really?)

The first indoor tennis courts had nets rising to 5 feet high at the ends and drooped to 3 ½ feet in the middle. (You might as well think of indoor tennis as another game of two player of scaled-down volleyball.)

Tiebreakers weren’t introduced until 1970. They occur when games are deadlocked at a score 6-6. (Man, wonder how they determined winners at Wimbledon until then.)

According to a Victorian rulebook, tennis was a game made for 3. (3 players? Seriously, that doesn’t even make sense! Even 8 person tennis is more plausible than this!)

Some early tennis balls were made of wood and barely bounced at all. (Of course, I’m sure wooden ball tennis resulted in a lot of injuries. No wonder early tennis players wore gloves to protect their hands.)

Soccer

Though better known as football to much of the known world, soccer is very popular sport worldwide. However, in early soccer, tripping, shin kicking, and carrying the ball were all permitted. But cleats weren’t.

Tripping, shin kicking, and even carrying the ball were all permitted. Following an implementation of a new set of rules in 1863, these practices were forbidden. (I can understand carrying the ball. However, I guess the tripping and shin kicking led to a lot of soccer fights among players.)

Prior to Charles Goodyear’s invention of vulcanized rubber in 1836, soccer players kicked around “balls” made from human and animal skulls, stitched-up cloth, and inflated pig and cow bladders. (Wait a minute, pig bladders were used in football as well. Still, the skull part really doesn’t make me want to see a Pirates of the Caribbean soccer game.)

According to an early set of rules established in Sheffield, England, in 1857, the ball could be caught off another player’s pass, provided it had not touched the ground. A free kick then ensued. (So in Sheffield soccer, pass interference was perfectly permissible.)

In 1858, players were allowed to catch the ball provided that it hadn’t touched the ground or had been thrown from the touchline. (I’m not very familiar with soccer. However, I’m sure this rule doesn’t make much sense.)

Cleats were once banned. According to a set of 14 rules established by the English Football Association in 1863, “No player shall be allowed to wear projecting nails, iron plates, or gutta percha on the soles or heels of his boots.” (Sounds like something you hear from Monty Python.)

A 1863 Cambridge rule reads, “The maximum length of the ground shall be 200 yards, the maximum breadth shall be 100 yards, the length and breadth shall be marked off with flags; and the goals shall be defined by two upright posts, 8 yards apart, without any tape or bar across them.” (Wait a minute? Since when were the biggest soccer fields bigger than modern football fields in the US? Also, two posts 8 yards apart doesn’t make goal posts stand out. I mean they use nets for soccer goals for a reason.)

In the early days of soccer, players were allowed to punch the ball. (I’m sure this is really not a good idea.)

A 1858 Sheffield rule states that a ball might be hit or pushed with the hand. But they couldn’t hold the ball except in free kicks. (In soccer, there’s a reason why the goalie is the only person to use their hands. Also, holding a ball for a kick is what we call, “punting” in US football.)

According to the 1858 Sheffield rules, “Pushing with the hands is allowed but no hacking or tripping up is fair under any circumstances whatever.” (Something tells me that Victorian soccer players seemed rather prone to violence. Wonder what the fans were like then.)

An 1871 rule states that no player should score a goal with a free kick. (Now that’s just stupid.)

An 1856 Cambridge rule states: “When a player catches the ball directly from the foot, he may kick it as he can without running with it. In no other case may the ball be touched with the hands, except to stop it.” (Uh, isn’t the whole idea about soccer kicking and running after the ball? Also, what’s with stopping the ball with your hands? Only the goalie is allowed to do that.)

An 1863 Cambridge rule reads, “A goal shall be won when the ball passes between the goal-posts or over the space between the goal-posts (at whatever height), not being thrown, knocked on, or carried.” (Hate to say this, but I kind of get the impression that soccer goal posts might’ve resembled field goal posts in the old days.)

Basketball

Invented by James Naismith, basketball is one of the quintessential American sports. However, in the olden days, there was no dribbling, players were out due to substitutions or fouling twice, coaches couldn’t address their players, and boundaries weren’t clearly defined that teams and players resorted to all kinds of antics when the ball was out of bounds.

Between 1900-1921, players who were substituted weren’t allowed to reenter the game. In fact, it wasn’t until 1934 that players were allowed to reenter the game more than once after coming out with a breather. Unlimited substitutions were finally allowed by teams in 1945. (I can see it now. “Sorry, Lebron James, but you can’t get back in the game after taking a pee break during commercial. You know the rules.”)

One of Dr. James Naismith’s original rules was: “The ball may be batted in any direction with one or both hands, but never with the fist.” (Seems like his vision of basketball sort of had a volleyball feel. But most NBA players usually fist bump each other off the court, not the ball in play on.)

Coaches were prohibited from addressing their players during the game until 1949, when they were allowed to speak to them only during timeouts. (Wonder how many teams lost games because they couldn’t consult with the coach. Seriously, that’s stupid.)

In Dr. Naismith’s game, the ball should be held by the hands, not the arms or any other body parts. (Boy would he be appalled by how modern NBA players hold the ball under their arm to slow down the pace, keep rebounds away, and other reasons.)

Another Naismith original rule read, “A player cannot run with the ball. The player must throw it from the spot on which he catches it, allowance to be made for a man running at good speed.” (So no running with the ball, then? Does this mean that players can’t dribble? Because that’s how most basketball players today run with the ball. It makes better sense that way.)

Until 1911, players were disqualified from the game after collecting their second foul. The rule has since been amended to 5 fouls in high school and college and 6 fouls at NBA games. (“Second foul, Michael Jordan? Confined to bench!”)

Under Dr. Naismith’s rules, “No shouldering, holding, pushing, striking or tripping in any way of an opponent. The first infringement of this rule by any person shall count as a foul; the second shall disqualify him until the next goal is made or, if there was evident intent to injure the person, for the whole of the game. No substitution shall be allowed.” (Now I’ve went through the two fouls. And I understand the fighting aspect of it. However, what’s with the no substitution thing? Does this mean that one jerk getting kicked out for misbehavior results in having less than 5 players on the court? What if the whole team does stuff like this? Is that even fair?)

Time restrictions on ball possession weren’t introduced until 1933. Until then, one team could legally hold onto the ball for the duration of the entire game after building a comfortable lead. (Man, that doesn’t seem fair at all. Wonder if this rule resulted into fights on the court.)

Hard to believe but dribbling wasn’t originally part of basketball. In fact, continuously pounding the ball into the hardwood didn’t come into vogue until 1909, when players were allowed to take more than one bounce before being required to shoot or pass. (Seriously, basketball is built on dribbling. That’s the point. Where the hell would basketball be without dribbling?)

Until 1938, players and fans alike had to endure a jump ball at half-court after every made field goal. The rule was eventually abolished because it slowed the pace of play. (Yeah, I can see why they changed that. Kind of like kick off but not very practical in a basketball setting. Wonder how many false starts they got out of it.)

Under Naismith a ball out of bounds goes to the first person touching it unless he holds it for over 5 seconds. However, these boundaries weren’t defined with most cases being just walls. It wasn’t until 1904, that the boundaries became straight lines. However, the original rule has led to pushing, shoving, elbowing, desperate dives, and total insanity. It was even worse when the ball ended up in balconies with players in mad dash to be first up the stairs creating jams and fights. This led to teams forming wedges to block opponents from going up the stairs. Sometimes they even tried hoisting players to the balcony in an effort to be the first to touch the ball first. (For some reason all this seems straight out of Space Jam for me.)

In the NBA it was illegal for teams to, “guarding an area instead of a specific offensive player, or was double teaming an offensive player away from the ball.” (Seriously, what’s the point of team sports if you can’t let multiple players do defense?)

From 1913-1933, out of bounds plays were eliminated by erecting wire mesh and chain link fencing around the entire court. This resulted in additional rough play with players body checking each other into the wire mesh. Such actions resulted in cuts, bruises, and sometimes infections. (Okay, maybe cage basketball isn’t a good idea.)

One of Dr. Naismith’s rules said: “If either side makes three consecutive fouls it shall count as a goal for the opponents (consecutive means without the opponents in the meantime making a foul).” (Uh, fouls are supposed to be bad. Also, 3 straight fouls = 2 free points for the other team, really?)

Another Naismith gem: “A goal shall be made when the ball is thrown or batted from the grounds into the basket and stays there, providing those defending the goal do no touch or disturb the goal. If the ball rests on the edges, and the opponent moves the basket, it shall count as a goal.” (Again with the soccer and volleyball jargon. Also, most basketballs don’t go through baskets and stay there, but through nets that have no bottom. Otherwise, how would you get the ball out?)

Under Dr. James Naismith, early basketball was supposed to be officiated by a referee and an umpire who “shall be the judge of the men and shall note the fouls and notify the referee when three consecutive fouls have been made. He shall have power to disqualify men.” (I’m sure the umpire-referee dynamic worked real well, which doesn’t exist anymore. Today it’s just 3 referees who mostly get shouted at and might either fix or gamble in the games they’re officiating.)

Of course, Naismith intended that referees have a lot of responsibilities during the game as he “shall be judge of the ball and shall decide when the ball is in play, in bounds, to which side it belongs, and shall keep the time.” (Apparently, he didn’t foresee how basketball has an official timekeeper at every level as well as the arbitrary determination of what humans can do in different fractions of a second. Seriously, in Pep Band I’ve seen teams call a time out when there’s a fraction of a second left on the clock.)

In the early days of women’s basketball, there could be 6 players on the court consisting of 3 forwards and 3 defenders and the court was divided in 3 zones with 2 players stationary. Later, this was reduced to 2 and the players consisted of 2 stationary guards, 2 stationary forwards, and 2 rovers that could move throughout the entire court. (Yes, there separate rules for women’s basketball. I know that’s crazy.)

Ice Hockey

Ice hockey evolved from field hockey and has become Canada’s national pastime. However, early ice hockey used to have 7 players on the rink, banned goalies from dropping to the ice, and consisted of 2 30 minute periods.

Forward passing wasn’t allowed until the 1929-1930 season. Until then, a player can move the puck forward only by handling it with his stick. (You mean they just don’t use their sticks in hockey?)

An 1899 rule of hockey once stated: “Any player guilty of using profane or abusive language to any officials or other players shall be liable to be ruled off by the referee.” (Sidney Crosby may be a great hockey player of many talents, but restraining profanities during a game is not one of them.)

Before we had periods, most players played until the winning team reached a predetermined score like 10, 15, 20. (Most hockey teams score less that in any given game.)

Ice hockey borrowed many of its rules from field hockey, including the use of “bully” requiring opposing centers to bang their sticks together 3 times before trying to control the face-off. That fell out of vogue in 1913 when the modern face-off was introduced. (Yeah, banging 3 sticks before play is kind of lame.)

Each team was allowed to play 7 men at a time from 1880 until the 1911-1912 season. This included the goalie, 2 defensemen, 3 forwards, and a rover who switched from defense to offense as needed. (I wonder who would be the rover for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Uh, never mind.)

Goaltenders were not allowed to drop to the ice when making saves and could, drop to the ice when and could, in fact, be penalized for doing so. This rule was eventually changed prior to the 1917-1918 season. (“Marc Andre Fleury drops to the ice again. Guess it’s time for him to go to the bad boy box for the third time in a row.”)

The game used to be structured quite differently, too. The 1910-1911 season saw hockey change from 2 30-minute periods to 3 20-minute periods-a format we have today. (Still, wonder why an average hockey game lasts over 2 hours. Then again, time outs and commercials add up.)

Football

Football has become one of America’s most popular sports which evolved from rugby and soccer. However, while it has never been a genteel sport, it was way more violent and injury inducing in the 19th century. Seriously, early football had 20 guys to a field and they were encouraged to score touchdowns through any means necessary.

Football teams were originally allowed to take the field with 20 players per side. In 1880, that number was reduced to 11 thanks to the sweeping changes championed by Yale graduate Walter Camp. (40 players on a field? Yeah, that’s going to cause a lot of safety issues.)

Another change introduced by Camp in 1880 was reducing the field size by half to 110 yards. In 1911, it was changed to its current length of 100 yards. (Which is good because imagine how the stadiums would be if football fields were 220 yards. Yeah, gaining touchdowns would take a lot out of you.)

Gaining first downs used to be a lot easier. From 1882-1906, players were given 3 attempts to advance the ball 5 yards for a first down. Distance was later changed to 10 yards and a fourth down was added in 1912. (5 yards for a first down? Then again, they were playing on a 110 yard field at the time.)

Forward passing wasn’t legal until 1905. The innovation was introduced after 18 players were killed and 159 were seriously injured on the football fields across America earlier that year. (And they said that football players getting concussions was a big problem. Imagine what problems the NFL would’ve had in 1905.)

Football has never been a genteel sport, but it was especially brutal in the 19^th century, when players were encouraged to score touchdowns through any means necessary. Punching, eye-gouging, and tackling around the neck were all legal. (If we played football by these rules today, imagine how many players would end up in the emergency room. Yeah, be thankful that they don’t have vintage football like they do vintage baseball.)

Until the 1980s, the NFL had a strange policy on helmets stating, “A player who uses a helmet he is not wearing as a weapon shall be ejected.” (Since how can a football helmet be used as a weapon? Seriously, I don’t get it.)

Volleyball

Volleyball is a rather popular sport all over the world. It was invented by a YMCA coach named William G. Morgan and not too far from where basketball was born. Of course, under his rules, games consisted of 9 innings as well as 3 serves by each team. And if the first was out of bounds the server had a second try.

Early volleyball could have any number of players on a team, 9 innings, and each team being granted 3 serves within each inning. There was also no limit to the number of ball contacts for each team before sending the ball into the opponent’s court. Later the number of players was reduced to 6 maximum, number of ball contacts to 3, and the inning system ditched for a predetermined score or winner of a set of games. (Yeah, volleyball isn’t like baseball and the inning system is too long.)

Under the original William G. Morgan rules, a volleyball net was supposed to be about 6 1/2 feet high and a court of 25 feet wide and 50 feet long. (Modern courts are much bigger like 59 x 29 1/2 ft. Besides, while high school or recreational volleyball players might find 6 1/2 feet high nets sufficient for play, this wouldn’t be the case for college and pro teams of either gender. Seriously, men’s volleyball nets are 8 ft high while women’s are 7 ft and 4 inches. And there are plenty high school girls who would never have a chance playing Div. I volleyball because they didn’t win the genetic lottery on height requirements.)

Under Morgan’s original rules, if a served ball was out of bounds a second serve was allowed. (Boy, I would’ve loved to be permitted a second serve in gym class. Of course, I’d probably mess it up, too.)

In early volleyball, players could continuously “air dribble” the ball to a restraining line 4 feet from the net. (Is it just me or does a dribbling line not make any sense?)

Olympic Wrestling

Now the wrestling I’m talking about here is Olympic wrestling that you’ve seen in Foxcatcher. Now this form was inspired by a couple contact sports in Ancient Greece. Both had men compete in the nude and both were rather violent as hell. One form’s only two rules were against gouging eyes or biting.

In Ancient Greece, the Pale wrestling matches had players scored points when his opponent touched the ground with his back, hip, shoulder, or tapped out due to a submission-hold or was forced out of the wrestling-area. First to score 3 points wins. (And you thought a wrestler had to win by pinning down his opponent.)

One of the Ancient Greek Pale wrestling rules listed: “It is at the discretion of the referee whether or not twisting the fingers with the intention of forcing the opponent to concede defeat is permitted.” (So the legality of finger twisting is determined by the ref’s discretion. Not sure how I feel about this.)

Another form of Ancient Greek wrestling was Pankration which was more freestyle and only had prohibitions against gouging eyes or biting. Note that most Ancient Greek Olympians were men who competed in the nude. (So remember that gouging eyes and biting were forbidden. But punching teeth out and groin attacks were perfectly fine.Let’s just say, it’s way more brutal and violent than MMA, UFC, or the cage fighting stuff.)

In Ancient Greece, wrestling competitions there were no time limits or weight classes. Competitions were designated by age group, particularly men and boys (who were usually 17-20 years old). (You mean they let teenage boys do this? Seriously, that’s messed up.)

Boxing

Boxing is one of the oldest sports that has been around since ancient times. It’s also one of the most violent. Old timey boxing matches were more like street fights and often bare knuckled. In Ancient Rome, it wasn’t unusual to see two boxers fight to the death.

Fights were often contested bared-knuckled from 1681-the late 19th century. According to the London Prize Ring Rules in 1838, spiked shoes were also allowed within limits. (Bare knuckles and shoe spikes, not very good safety practices.)

In Ancient Rome, boxers would often wear leather thongs on their fists which would later became a harder leather weapon containing metal studs. Later they had their leather wraps armored with a special copper and iron rings. (In modern day boxing, metal on arms is really illegal.)

In addition to fist fighting, early modern boxing matches also contained fencing and cudgeling. (Uh, I thought boxing didn’t contain weapons. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be boxing, right?)

In early Roman boxing, participants were slaves often fought to the death at the Roman Amphitheaters to please the spectators. Later trained combat performers soon became a valuable commodity and their lives weren’t given up without due consideration. (So I guess Roman boxing wasn’t less gory than their gladiator games. Then again, it was abolished in Rome in 393 AD due to excessive brutality.)

Until the mid 18th century, it wasn’t prohibited to attack an opponent even after he fell to the ground. (Dude, how can this be even cool?)

In Ancient Greece, there were no weight classes, rounds, or time limits. And opponents were selected by chance while fights lasted until one player was unable to fight. (So how is that fair? I mean pair a skinny guy with a more muscular man and there’s not much competition. Of course, in early boxing short and/or skinny guys usually got beaten.)

The first modern boxing rules were introduced by champion Jack Broughton in 1743 to protect fighters in the ring where deaths sometimes occurred. (You mean this was getting people killed?)

An early article on in 1713 described boxing as a system of headbutting, punching, eye-gouging, chokes, and hard throws. (Of course, anyone injured couldn’t expect decent medical care due to living in the 18th century. Also seem to resemble street fights more than actual boxing.)

In the 18th and 19th centuries, when a fighter went down, he had a count of 30 seconds to recover. (Modern boxers only have 10. Then again, the 30 second rule makes getting up all too easy.)

Lacrosse

Lacrosse is one of the few popular sports today with origins in Pre-Columbian America. However, it was mostly played between tribes on an open field with as many as hundreds of young men on a team. And now it’s played by many high school girls.

In 1868, when a player was fouled in a game, he was required to report to the captain who reported to the umpire. The umpire thus warned the offending player on the. Persistent complaining on fouling resulted the offending player being ejected from the game an the match lost. (So it was the players who were supposed to report fouls to the officials. Yeah, I can see that working well.)

In Pre-Columbian America, lacrosse teams could consist of as many as 100 to 1,000 young men and the goals can be up as far as 500 yards to 6 miles on an open plain. Games could last from 2-3 days with play being from dawn to dusk. Some tribes even had goal posts 6-9 ft apart. And they used a ball of wood or deerskin stuffed with hair. (Man, this is like lacrosse on steroids. Now that’s crazy. Also, I’m sure hundreds of guys swarming after a ball can result in a lot of injuries.)

Water Polo

Water polo is often played in pools everywhere in the western world. However, early water polo was more like water football in which players would try to carry a small ball to the pool edge. It was often said to erupt in fights with at least one player floating unconscious by the end of the game.

At one point, water polo balls were made of leather which absorbed water and became heavier during the game. (Leather may be good for a lot of sports. But water polo isn’t one of them.)

Whenever a player came too near a goal, a goalie on the pool deck would often jump on him. (Now that’s something anyone wouldn’t expect.)

The earliest games were played with a small rubber ball often imported from India. This was later changed to a leather soccer ball or one of a pig’s stomach because players used to put the small ball in their swimming trunks and swim underwater towards the goal. Once there, the player would remove the ball and slam it onto the pool deck. (Hey, isn’t that cheating? Yeah, I think that’s cheating.)

Early games were more like water football or rugby and often nothing more than water gang fights as players ignored the ball, preferring underwater wrestling matches usually ending with one man floating to the surface unconscious. (So, kids, remember not to go to the pool when they’re playing water polo. I’m sure you don’t want a water sport be as much like hockey as possible.)

Dress Up Fun with Fashion Dolls

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 21, 2015

Though I did play with Barbies as a girl like most out there, it was more for roleplaying than anything to do with fashion. They were a toy just like any other. The Barbies were my actors and the clothes were just costumes. I’d be the one making up the characters and voices. However, even before Barbie, there have been other fashion dolls. Hell, the first fashion doll was the French Bisque which was from the 19th century. Nevertheless, there has never been a fashion doll like Barbie and never will. And even though Barbie is seen as a toy by most, there are plenty of people who never stop playing with them and even collect them. Yeah, it’s not just adult men who collect toys, you know. For decades Barbie has been used as a model to reflect fashion trends. But she’s hardly alone. In this post, I’ll show you how fashion dolls are an art form all on their own. Some of them might be fashion plates akin to others on the run way. Some might wear outfits from an bygone era or another culture. And some might be designed and dressed to resemble characters you see from pop culture whether they be movies, TV shows, books, and what not. Others may be famous celebrities. But none of these dolls were meant for little girls to play with. So without further adieu, here I bring you some of the many fashion dolls you might feast your eyes on.

Those who like foreign films and crime would love this French gangster’s moll Barbie.

Now this might not be a Barbie. And I’m definitely sure she’s not supposed to be a French gangster’s moll. However, her outfit and facial expression suggests that she’s straight from a French gangster movie.

2. Experience late 1940s French fashion with this Christian Dior’s New Look Barbie.

Now this is the look that reestablished Paris as the capital of the fashion world after WWII. It was extremely popular in the post-war era.

3. Celebrity and historical figures are rather popular fashion subjects. This one is of Queen Marie Antoinette as she looked before the French Revolution.

Contrary, to popular belief, Marie Antoinette didn’t say “Let them eat cake.” She didn’t cheat on her husband (though I wouldn’t blame her if she did). She had no political influence on the French Court despite having a mother and brother ruling the Austrian Empire. And while her spending was very extravagant, it wasn’t unusual by French royalty standards.

4. Now here’s Barbie as Marguerite Gautier from the Greta Garbo 1936 film Camille.

Of course, we have to understand that Marguerite is the 19th century equivalent to a high class hooker. However, she does fall in love and succumb to tuberculosis during the movie.

5. All the way from Africa may I present to you Tribal Princess Barbie.

I don’t know about this one. Now I know there light skinned Africans but they mostly reside in the Sahara region. The outfit looks more like it’s from the Savannah. So my guess is that her mother was raped by a great white hunter.

6. For you Lord of the Rings fans out there, you might enjoy your very own Arwen and Aragorn Barbie and Ken.

You wouldn’t know it, but these two have a very huge age difference between them. I mean she’s like around 2800 years old. And he’s considerably younger. Then again, age may just be a number on Middle Earth.

7. Many fashion dolls depict fashion you’d see from foreign cultures. This one is from Korea.

Of course, this is a more historical dress. However, all East Asians seem to dress alike to be. Well, to an extent. Of course, I’m not as familiar with Korea as I am with China and Japan.

8. This doll looks quite captivating in her Edwardian corset, big hat, and hobble skirt.

The hobble skirt was a short lived fashion trend in 1910-1913. These greatly restricted mobility that women had to take very small steps.

9. For all you Greek mythology enthusiasts, you might be interested to see Medusa Barbie.

Yes, she might be pretty and even alluring. But you might take note that looking at her will get you stoned. And I don’t mean high. I mean literally turned into stone. Perseus had to use a mirror in order to kill her.

10. Say G’Day to this lovely Australia Barbie.

The only way you can tell she’s Australian is that she has a koala wrapped around her arm. Other than that, she can pass for either Indiana Jones Adventure Barbie or High Fashion Texas Cowgirl Barbie.

11. This Barbie is all dressed and ready to celebrate the Chinese New Year.

Now this is definitely Chinese outfit, though retrofitted for modern fashion. Of course, she also has a rather interesting hairstyle, too.

12. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Victoria’s Secret Fashion Barbie.

I’m sure this Barbie Doll was definitely not made for children. And I’m positive she’s wearing an outfit no woman would actually wear. Yes, I don’t understand either.

13. Step into fantasy with your very own unicorn princess Barbie.

It’s what you get in a fashion doll when you have a fairy tell princess employ Lady Gaga’s fashion consultant. Seriously, I don’t know why they have the unicorn on the dress. I mean that’s crazy.

14. This Steampunk Barbie is geared up and ready for action.

Steampunk is kind of hard to explain since it employs Victorian clothing and steam technology in a sci-fi fashion. However, this doll might risk arrest for wearing a slutty outfit like that in Victorian London.

15. For all you Audrey Hepburn fans out there, you’ certainly delight in this fashion doll of her from Roman Holiday.

So Roman Holiday isn’t nearly as famous as Breakfast at Tiffany’s? Yes, the latter made Audrey into a style icon but it’s a highly overrated film. Roman Holiday, on the other hand, is very charming and wonderful all the way through. Seriously. Breakfast at Tiffany’s doesn’t even hold a candle to Roman Holiday.

16. Relive the Belle Epoque of late 19th century Paris with this Can-Can dancer fashion doll.

Despite that you see can-can dancers in a lot of media geared to PG audiences, the can-can wasn’t originally considered a wholesome dance in its hey day. This was because women typically wore dresses that made it difficult to go to the bathroom.

17. This fashion doll is decked in traditional garb all the way from India.

I know this isn’t bridal attire since Indian women typically wear bright red and a lot more jewelry. And I’m sure this isn’t really Barbie either. But I’ll take it.

18. Spring Fairy Barbie always has to have glitter on her wings.

Not sure what to make of that outfit though. But it seems to go nicely with the background. Think the wings are the best thing about it however.

19. Now this fashion doll holds flowers in both hands to celebrate the spirit of spring.

Now I’m sure this isn’t Barbie. But I also have no idea whether this is supposed to be a generic spring doll or depict an actual goddess or character. I just know it has something to do with spring.

20. Relive the glory of the British Empire and the Victorian Age with this Queen Victoria fashion doll.

Now this depicts the young Queen Victoria around her coronation when she’s only a teenager. However, I have to admit, that it does get a lot of her proportions right. Still, you’d never see such realism in a Barbie doll though.

21. Play a game of croquet with your very own Queen of Hearts Barbie.

Prettiest Queen of Hearts I’ve ever seen from Alice in Wonderland. However, you should be aware that she’s a real bitch who’s willing to decapitate people for the smallest offenses. Also, has a really nasty temper.

22. Enjoy the glories of Imperial China with Imperial Chinese Princess Barbie.

Actually she should be Ching Dynasty Princess Barbie. Because her qipao outfit is clearly Manchurian. Chinese robes open in the middle.

Actually she should be Ching Dynasty Princess Barbie. Because her qipao outfit is clearly Manchurian. Manchurians aren’t technically Chinese. Chinese robes open in the middle. Also needs to wear smaller shoes.

23. Now this angelic fashion doll certainly has an heavenly presence.

While angels are represented as lovely human beings with wings, you’d be surprised what they look like in The Bible. Seriously, biblical cherubs don’t really look like cute chubby babies. Neither did Cupid in Greek mythology.

24. Now this doll wedding scene helps underscore vintage 1920s elegance.

Now this isn’t Barbie from what I can tell. However, I really have to scratch my head at people who want to throw Great Gatsby themed parties. Seriously, I wonder if these people have any idea what the book is really about.

25. Enjoy the magic of Roma with this lovely Italian Barbie.

Now she’s certainly dressed like you’d expect in Italy. And she’s carrying her own basket with yellow flowers. Kind of prefer she carry cheese, bread, and other foodstuffs.

26. You can’t understand true love without Ken and Barbie as Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo and Juliet: A Shakespearean play that depicts two teenagers getting together amid familial gang violence, getting hitched within days, and killing themselves. Yeah, really make all the wrong decisions there. Still, despite content is said to be one of the greatest love stories of all time.

27. Reenact the famous Andrew Lloyd Weber musical with Ken and Barbie as Erik and Christine from Phantom of the Opera.

Of course, it’s disturbing that everyone thinks the relationship between Erik and Christine is romantic. It’s not. It’s downright creepy. I mean the guy is selfish, controlling, manipulative, and not above kidnapping his “beloved” so he could force her to marry him. And yet, he’s seen as a sex symbol. Sorry, but Erik is a total bastard.

28. Enjoy the violet eyed splendor with this Elizabeth Taylor fashion doll in purple.

Yes, Elizabeth Taylor was one of Hollywood’s radiant stars. However, we should remember she was an alcoholic who was married 8 times. Twice to Richard Burton.

29. Love Pirates of the Caribbean? Well, you’ll adore this fashion doll of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Now that’s almost a dead ringer to the famous Johnny Depp character himself. Hope he doesn’t run into zombie pirates. Wish he had his hat though.

30. This Native American fashion doll is absolutely stunning.

Yes, she has blue eyes. But she has lots of feathers all over her. Besides, I like her better than the other Native American dolls I’ve seen on Pinterest.

31. Relive the magic of Camelot with Ken and Barbie as King Arthur and Guinevere.

This is from the Lerner and Lowe musical from the 1960s. I’m more of a fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. But my mom likes Camelot, so it goes on the post.

32. Of course, you can’t have a tribute to Las Vegas without Vegas Showgirl Barbie.

How else can I explain seeing Barbie in a scantily clad outfit with feathers. Wonder if it comes with drunk gambling addict Ken.

33. In outfits like these Ken and Barbie seem to go where no man has gone before.

In this Ken is Captain Kirk, one of the most alien STD laden men in the galaxy. Barbie is Yeoman Rand, Kirk's main squeeze who strangely disappeared after the first season.

In this Ken is Captain Kirk, one of the most alien STD laden men in the galaxy who can’t keep it in his pants. Barbie is Yeoman Rand, Kirk’s main squeeze who strangely disappeared after the first season.

34. Now this Margot Channing fashion doll won’t be had for the price of a cocktail.

Yes, this is Bette Davis in her most famous role from All About Eve. Of course, Margot is a great star, a true star, and will never be any less. Eve Harrington, on the other hand, is a scheming two-timing bitch played by Anne Baxter. Fasten your seat belts, indeed.

35. Relive the splendor of the Napoleonic Age with this Empress Josephine fashion doll.

Basically she was Napoleon Bonaparte’s shopaholic wife, whom he later dumped to marry an Austrian trophy princess. Well, he only did it because he wanted a son and she couldn’t give him one. Still, his love letters to her read a lot like crazy texts. Seriously, they’re hysterical.

36. Experience the suspense of Alfred Hitchcock with your very own Barbie of Tippi Hedren from The Birds.

Don’t worry I’m sure the birds won’t peck her to death. That would be Susanne Pleshette’s character.

37. This 1920s flapper Barbie plans to dance the night away.

Now I’m sure she’s not going to look as stunning as this when she wakes up with a hangover the next morning. Yeah, she’s going need something for that hangover.

38. Relive the glory of the Lord of the Rings with your very own Galadriel Barbie.

Not quite like Cate Blanchett but at least they got the dress right. And the hairdo as well. Hey, why buy a Barbie princess when you can buy a queen?

39. This Japanese Barbie has the elegance and charm like a geisha.

Okay, she looks like a geisha and I know what it is in Japan. However, I hope this doll comes with Samurai Ken. Love the parasol.

40. Come fly and swing with your very own Frank Sinatra fashion doll.

Yes, Old Blue Eyes has a wonderful voice, indeed. Too bad he manage to ruin it through alcohol and cigarettes. You know, basically the two substances that have killed more people in Hollywood than anything else.

41. Of course, this couple of fashion dolls are kind of on the dark side.

Yeah, they kind of look like a cross between Poldark and Sweeny Todd. However, you have to go with what you have.

42. Of course, I can’t do a post on fashion dolls without including the one and only Marilyn Monroe.

Sure she might’ve died at home of an overdose at 36. But even so, she still remains an American beauty icon and Hollywood legend.

43. This holiday party Barbie is well dressed in a blue snowflake dress for all occasions.

Now they have a lot of holiday Barbies out there. However, this one with the dark hair, blue snowflake dress, and cameo pearl necklace is the one I liked best.

44. When it comes to fashion dolls, nobody seems to have more outfits than Scarlett O’Hara.

And this is just nine of the outfits she wears in the whole 4 hour movie. And yes, there are many more where that came from.

45. Whistle while you work with your very own Snow White fashion doll.

Okay, I’m fine with Disney lying to me about my prince coming when I’m lying stone cold in a glass coffin. However, I’m not sure if I can forgive Disney for lying about the woodland creatures wanting to clean my house. Now that’s really low.

46. Travel to wonderland with this Alice in Wonderland fashion doll.

Kind of looks like an emo Alice to me for some reason. Also, I’m not sure if she looks like the Alice from the Disney movie. Probably not. Not from the Tim Burton one either.

47. Now here is Barbie dancing as the swan princess of Swan Lake.

Let’s hope this isn’t Barbie as Natalie Portman’s character from Black Swan. Then again, for something seen as feminine, ballet seems to be shockingly tragic, creepy, and practiced more like a sport.

48. This Japanese fashion doll is rather resplendent in her flowery kimono.

I can tell this is a Japanese doll since she’s wearing a kimono or two. However, I do love the red flower in her hair. This might be a foreign doll, by the way.

49. Of course, experience the magic of the Kit Kat Club of Weimar Germany with these Cabaret Barbies.

Yes, the dancers tend to dress like that in the movie. Of course, I didn’t include the emcee since he was a guy in the film. Nor did I include Sally Bowles either.

50. Now this Spanish fashion doll is certainly a charming senorita.

Now I don’t think she’s a flamenco dancer since she lacks castanets. However, I love her beautiful black lace on her red dress, fan and veil.

51. Now this Indonesian Barbie wears a dress that makes her a perfect Southeast Asian princess.

Well, I have to remind you that all Asians don’t necessarily look alike. Besides, many of them also have their own unique culture. Also, love her crown.

52. This lovely Chinese Barbie is lovely in her red, flowery dress.

She even has a baby panda on her arm. I also really like her earrings and hairstyle, too.

53. This Ghost Bride Barbie is so beautiful that she’s doomed to haunt your dreams.

Looks like Ken really screwed her over in life. Now she’s haunting his dreams and home so she can make him pay.

54. This lovely Barbie seems like a gracious hostess for afternoon tea.

They have a lot of Victorian fashion dolls. This fashion is from the 1870s and 1880s since it features the bustle. It was supposed to enhance women’s rear ends.

55. Capture the essence of the Pre-Columbian Mexico and Central America with this Mesoamerican spirit Barbie.

Of course, I’m sure she might ask for some human sacrifices. Maybe a lot of them. You know that almost every Meso and South American indigenous culture practiced it.

56. Experience the battlefield with your very own Civil War Nurse Barbie.

Hope she has a Civil War Surgeon Ken. Now I guess he has his own surgical instruments, including his amputation saw. Bet his outfit is covered with blood that it can’t be shown.

57. Now this Queen of the Galaxy Barbie is certainly out of this world.

Now this seems like it’s straight off from Lady Gaga’s wardrobe. Then again, she kind of reminds me of some character you’d see from a 1980s sci-fi movie. Maybe she should get together with Captain Kirk Ken.

58. Relive the glory of Imperial Russia with this Russian Princess fashion doll.

Of course, if she’s a member of the Romanov royal family, I’m sure that things won’t be looking good for her once October 1917 flies in. Yeah, sad that this resplendent beauty will soon become a Bolshevik shooting target.

59. This Native American Barbie is clad in her very own fringe dress and buckskin coat.

Man, she seems to have rows and rose of fringes. But she also has a lovely trimmed buckskin coat trimmed with fur.

60. This flapper fashion doll is all dolled up for a 1920s party.

Yes, she’s in shimmering silver from her jewelry to her furs. Her gown is made almost entirely of silver lace. Probably paid a pretty penny.

61. Take a trip down the Nile of Ancient Egypt with Egyptian Queen Barbie.

I wonder if this one comes with Egyptian Pharaoh Ken, who’s most likely her brother. I mean you know what these Ancient Egyptian royal families were like. An Egyptian royal who doesn’t marry their sibling is usually killed by them. Relatives were always after the Pharoah’s throne.

62. Of course, where would a Scarlett O’Hara fashion doll be without her Rhett Butler?

There are quite a few Rhett Butler fashion dolls out there. However, none of them seem to be as good as this incarnation. And this is his signature look, by the way. Besides, frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

63. Nothing is as stunning south of the border than a Mexican Barbie.

Not sure if she’s dressed as a bullfighter. However, I can tell she’s Mexican because she is wearing a sombrero. And it’s matching with her outfit.

64. Nothing is more exquisite at a haunted house than a Dark Bride Barbie.

Now this is a lovely bridal outfit. Love the bouquet of roses. Wouldn’t be surprised if Morticia Addams wore it on her wedding day.

65. Hope Jazz Diva Barbie sounds as good as she looks.

Reminds me of the film noir jazz singers you see in smoke filled night clubs. Probably has a lot of hard boiled detectives and crime.

66. Relive the forbidden romance with this fashion doll of Anna Karenina.

Now I’m not really much of a fan of Anna Karenina. I think she was just really immature who had absolutely no idea about to have a healthy relationship. Not to mention, she was so wrapped into Vronsky that she didn’t try to get a new hobby. And then she threw herself in front of a train.

67. South Asian Dance Barbie is dressed in such exquisite attire.

Not sure which country she’s from. Certainly it’s not Nepal since that’s in the Himilayas. And she’s certainly not dressed for that weather.

68. Now this Belle fashion doll wears a gown for a romance that’s a tale as old as time.

However, we should note that her boyfriend is a total beast. I mean the guy practically kept her his prisoner until she fell in love with him.

69. Hope Diamond certainly knows how to dress for an evening.

Of course, the Hope Diamond is now in the Smithsonian. And it’s said to bring a lot of bad luck to its owners.

70. Now Russian Barbie is certainly a rare winter beauty.

Let’s hope that she’s bundled up to face the harsh Russian winter. Then again, Russia is a rather crazy country. Not to mention, there’s also Putin she might have to deal with. And the Siberian gulag if it still exists.

71. This blushing Barbie bride looks simply stunning for her big day.

You see a lot of bride fashion dolls. And it’s no wonder with how the wedding industry is like these days. But this is one of my favorites.

72. Of course, those who love Ava Gardner should get a fashion doll of her from The Killers.

Her performance in The Killers was said to make Frank Sinatra so infatuated with her that he abandoned his wife and kids for her. Of course, they were a great match made in Hollywood (sarcasm). Actually their relationship was rather tempestuous and dysfunctional.

73. All that glitters on this Barbie is golden.

Now this reminds me of something Lady Gaga would wear if she was doing the theme from Goldfinger. Of course, that would look uncomfortable on a normal person.

74. This Gypsy fashion doll shakes her own tambourine for her keep.

I’ve seen quite a few gypsy fashion dolls. But I think this one is especially lovely, especially the dress.

75. Relive the experience of Titanic with this Rose DeWitt Bukater fashion doll.

This is what she wears during the scene when Leonardo DiCaprio says, “I’m king of the world!” Of course, I’m sure the raft could fit her and Jack. Seriously, Jack shouldn’t have died. Still, Rose was a mutant born with super insulating skin that made her withstand extremely freezing temperatures. That’s why she survived the Titanic.

76. Experience the magic of Rio with your very own Brazilian Barbie.

Of course, she has a knitted blanket over her white dress. Not only that, but she’s just the right skin color of many Brazilians. A really good way to represent the country.

77. Welcome to the haunted mansion with your hostess Haunted Matron Barbie.

You might want to stay close to the candles because the stairways can be quite treacherous. Also, it might contain all kinds of things that might want to kill you.

78. Enjoy the carefree South Pacific Islands with your very own Polynesian Barbie.

Of course, being from the South Pacific, she always has to be covered in vines and flowers. Still, love her blue and flowery dress. Wonder if Polynesian Ken looks like Troy Polamalu though.

79. For those who love to laugh, this Carol Burnett fashion doll is just perfection.

Can’t do a post on fashion dolls without including this one. Love her Scarlett O’Hara curtain dress by the way. “I saw it the window and just had to have it.”

80. Experience the magical world of Harry Potter with this Harry Potter fashion doll.

Now they have a lot of Harry Potter fashion dolls out there. Still, I have yet to see a fashion doll of Yule Ball Ron Weasley. Now that would be funny.

81. Of course, when it comes to First Ladies, you can’t talk about fashion legacies without this Jackie Kennedy fashion doll.

Now this is the outfit she was wearing when her husband got shot in Dallas. Not sure what to think about the doll company who made this. Yeah, it’s kind of insensitive but it was an iconic look.

82. Join in the luau with your very own Hawaiian Barbie.

Nothing says Hawaii than a flower lei and a grass hula skirt. Comes with her own sea turtle. Hope the volcano doesn't blow.

Nothing says Hawaii than a flower lei and a grass hula skirt. Comes with her own sea turtle. Sad that she doesn’t have a coconut shell bra.

83. Those who love Mommie Dearest and Mildred Pierce certainly can’t go without their very own Joan Crawford fashion doll.

Of course, we’re not sure how much is true about Mommie Dearest since a lot of people who knew her spoke out against it. However, she certainly looks lovely in this black and white dress.

84. May the odds be in your favor with your very own Katniss Everdeen fashion doll.

This is her from Catching Fire when she had to go back to the arena for the Quarter Quell. Still, they have quite a few Hunger Games fashion dolls. Love to see how many Effie Trinket has.

85. Relive the golden days of Tudor England with this fashion doll of Elizabeth I.

Yes, she wore a lot of big dresses in her day. However, contrary to the Cate Blanchett movies, if she was a virgin when she became queen, she’d more likely remain one for the rest of her life (since she had no privacy whatsoever and knew how to keep it in her pants). Also, it’s very likely that she remained single for good politics.

86. Rule the universe with your very own Space Queen Barbie.

Looking at these Barbie sci-fi outfits makes me wonder if they have any David Bowie Ken dolls. Ziggy Stardust comes to my mind.

87. Stroll down the streets of Paris with your very own French Barbie.

Of course, French Barbie wouldn’t be French without her beret and baguette. Then again, she might also like to have a laid back European lifestyle the French are famous for.

88. Travel throughout Middle Earth with this fashion doll of Legolas.

Yes, this is the Middle Earth heartthrob that jump started Orlando Bloom’s career. And his dad isn’t bad looking either and even rides on a deer as well as has his own antler throne.

89. Commemorate the royal wedding with Ken and Barbie as Will and Kate.

Hard to believe that these two now have two little kids named George and Charlotte. Well, I think it’s nice that the royals allowed William to marry whom he wanted and when he wanted. I don’t think it was the case with his dad.

90. This Lady Liberty Barbie is clad in red, white, and blue.

Yes, it’s kind of emphasizes that Barbie might be America’s Sweetheart. However, at least she has a rather friendly disposition and tries to be accommodating to diversity. Unlike the blonde women of Fox News.

91. Vampire Queen Barbie wants to suck your blood.

One of the only Barbie dolls I’ve seen with fangs so far. I’m sure Hapless Human Ken doesn’t have much time to live. Love the hair and dress, by the way.

92. Grim Reaper Barbie shows up when your time is up.

She may look dark but she’s never good or evil. Do not resist her when she comes to collect you because you can’t.

93. Mexican Dress Barbie always travels with her little chihuahua.

Now Mexican Barbie is clad in a pink dress striped with lace and ribbons. Of course, I wonder if there’s a Mexican Ken as well. Then again, he might be dressed as a more stereotypical bandito.

94. Chinese Empress Barbie rules in Imperial splendor.

Of course, she’s clad in yellow and pink from almost head to toe. We should remember that in Dynastic China, only the Imperial family were allowed to wear yellow. Everyone else wasn’t.

95. Explore the cultures and wildlife of Africa with this African Barbie doll.

Just so you know, Africa is a nation of highly diverse wildlife, nations, and cultures. I only called this doll African Barbie since I have no idea which country she’s supposed to be from. Yet, I know it’s either from the west or the south.

96. Lead your very own Rebel Alliance with your very own Princess Leia fashion doll.

This is the Slave Leia one from Return of the Jedi. It’s one of Princess Leia’s iconic looks. Of course, Jabba the Hutt better watch out.

97. Now you can be your own superheroine with Wonder Woman Barbie.

Now Wonder Woman is one of the more definitive female superheroes. However, I don’t think fighting crime in a cape and scantily clad outfit is a good message to send to young girls.

98. Celebrate the tribal culture in Africa with South African Barbie.

Now this is a good representation of African tribes. A lot of women in Africa are actually dress like that and in a lot of different groups, too.

99. Publicity Tour Barbie is certainly ready for the experience.

Yes, she’s on her long tour with style and sophistication. Of course, she comes with an agent who’s pressuring her into this.

100. Now Hard Rock Cafe Bass Barbie has decorated her instrument with style.

Of course, she also has a lot of tattoos on her arm as well. But she seems to have a lot of good taste. Sure this doll wasn’t made for kids.

Worst Arguments for Not Enacting Gun Control

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 18, 2015

Disclaimer: The following might contain a lot of highly controversial political views about an issue that many Americans have strong opinions about. It runs a high risk of inciting outrage, anger, trolling, and hostile retaliation. Viewer discretion is advised.

As a Catholic liberal, I’ve been a long advocate for gun control. I’ve was nine years old during Columbine which was one of many mass shootings in the United States I’ve seen on the news. Not to mention, the fact so many people have been killed, injured, or scarred for life due to gun violence has cost taxpayers at least $100 billion annually as well as become a major public health concern. So I’m fully aware that certain gun control measures are badly needed and a lot of Americans would agree with me. And it’s not just liberals since we have to remember that the late James Brady was an official for the Reagan administration. Yes, the late great conservative Ronald Reagan whose fiscal conservative policies led him to raise taxes, had something to do with the Iran Contra scandal, as well as had an openly gay son whom he freely accepted. But despite the urgent need for gun control I should not have to remind anyone about, GOP and NRA interests have made sure that their Second Amendment rights are protected at all costs. Even if it leads to a lot of innocent lives being slaughtered, high health costs, full emergency rooms, and an overworked criminal justice system. Not only that, but many states have passed gun laws that Americans don’t need, but also make this problem worse. Yes, I know that gun control is a highly contentious issue. But come on, do I really give a shit about gun rights? Now I’m fine with people owning guns as long as they’re law abiding citizens who don’t have personal issues that might endanger others. But do I think anyone has the right to own an AK-47 with a 30 round magazine? Absolutely not. Why? Because I can’t think of any reason why a civilian might need it save maybe in an event of an alien or zombie invasion. Here I list many of the arguments gun rights advocates make when it comes to doing nothing to necessary gun control.

“Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” – This is the most common argument gun rights people make in regards to gun violence. It basically says that people are responsible for their own actions and what they do with guns doesn’t mean that we have to enact any gun control. Yes, people kill people. However, guns are weapons specifically made to kill people with firearms technology designing weapons to kill as many people as possible. Thus, when it comes to killing people, guns are usually the weapon of choice. And most criminals will use other weapons when they can’t get a gun. Firearms were intended to kill people from the very beginning. To make a gun that doesn’t kill would be like removing a gun’s reason to exist. Yes, people kill people. But guns kill since it’s their point. Besides, when a gun is used incorrectly, someone or something doesn’t get shot. Let’s just say that we can’t talk about gun violence without acknowledging what guns are actually used for.

This is a diagram stating how gun laws would be if they were regulated like cars. Not that in the US it’s harder to get a driver’s license than it is to buy a gun depending on your jurisdiction.

2. “________ kill people, too. You want to outlaw that?” – Gun rights activists love to point out how so many other things tend to kill people as well. Cars and alcohol are usually the most prominent examples. I’m well aware that cars kill more people than guns each year. However, in the US, it’s said to be more difficult to obtain a driver’s license than a firearm. Besides, we have a lot of regulations on cars like seat belts, speed limits, license and insurance requirements, and bans on drunk driving. If you cause an accident resulting in fatalities, you might do time for manslaughter. If you’re caught driving drunk, you might spend time in jail or lose your license. Besides, most people use cars for transportation, not to kill people. We also have regulations on alcohol and tobacco. Not only that, but there are plenty of things that could kill people but also fulfill other purposes like chainsaws and knives for instance. Guns, on the other hand, exist for one function which is to kill. And firearms technology has advanced in order to kill more efficiently, particularly people. I mean why was the AK-47 even invented in the first place? As for outlawing them, it’s highly unlikely that would even happen. Oh, by the way, the US has more gun stores than grocery stores, which is incredibly disturbing if you ask me.

3. “Guns save lives.” – Now there are plenty of stories pertaining to defensive gun uses. However, most of these usually exist in the mind of Hollywood screenwriters hired to write an R-rated action movie. A study in 1993 determined that there were 2.5 million defensive gun uses every year. This involved calling 4,977 people across the country, asking them a few gun questions and adjusting the number to fit the population of the whole nation. Now the 2.5 million number is highly cited and highly disputed. However, this number doesn’t translate to “lives saved thanks to guns.” In fact, they refer to guns being involved in the presumed person or thing’s protection. This can apply to life-threatening situations pertaining to people who were in actual danger as well as to people like George Zimmerman. So to say whether guns save lives is a mixed bag. Sometimes gun use might kill a criminal or stop a crime. Other times, gun use will fuck up everything. Nevertheless, there’s nothing defensive about gun use since it’s meant to attack and always will. Defense is protection such as a security system, mace, or a bullet proof vest. But whether guns save lives, it’s fairly hard to say at least when it involves civilian gun owners.

4. “Well, the Second Amendment says……” – Gun rights activists love to cite the Second Amendment which actually says, “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” Now there’s a lot of debate about what it actually means. Some people think it pertains to individual gun ownership. Others think it refers to people in a militia. Still, either way, asking the Founding Fathers their opinion of contemporary American gun culture would be like asking Pope Francis on what he thinks about NFL football (then again he probably knows it’s not “football” as he knows it but not much else). To the Founding Fathers, the only guns available were single shot muskets which had a more complex loading process and weren’t very accurate. I mean the American Revolution gave rise to the term “minuteman” meaning a Continental soldier who was ready to fire at a minute’s notice. Then you have the saying “don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes,” meaning “don’t shoot until they’re close enough for a sure hit.” Weapons that fire multiple times without reloading didn’t come until the mid-19th century with the American Civil War. Besides, we all know that some of the Founding Fathers also thought slavery was an economic necessity and they weren’t right about that. So maybe relying on them for gun issues isn’t the best idea.

While gun rights activists continually say that “an armed society is a polite society,” we should all learn from the impact of “Stand Your Ground” laws that this isn’t the case at all. I mean look what happened to Trayvon Martin. He was just a teenager minding his own business but gets shot anyway. So much for a polite society.

5. “An armed society is a polite society.” – Gun rights activists like to use this argument which states that people with guns encourage others not to mess with them. Sort of like a “scared straight” approach in which a lethal threat or fear of untimely death can be used to keep people in line, deterring prospective criminals. And through such, an armed society will ensure lasting peace and security within a community. However, this notion ignores a lot of things about human nature, especially when it pertains to gun violence. For one, you never know what can set somebody off to view you with suspicion as a possible threat to their lives despite all evidence to the contrary. In other words, the trigger could be just about anything. Second, some people are easier to piss off than others and for very trivial reasons. Yes, an armed society might scare people from insulting or offending gun owners. However, you can easily insult or offend somebody even if you have no intention to. Third, people have been killed for very stupid reasons, especially in states under “Stand Your Ground” laws. Trayvon Martin was just an unarmed teenager minding his own business when George Zimmerman picked a fight with before shooting him dead. A retired cop shot a unarmed man in a movie theater for allegedly throwing popcorn in his face. Another guy shot a bunch of unarmed teenagers for playing their music too loud near a gas station (and after they turned down the music as he requested). Fourth, armed societies don’t protect or respect the rights of non-gun owners as well as vulnerable populations that might be viewed with suspicion. And these “Stand Your Ground” laws demonstrate this, especially since Florida’s mostly benefits white gun owners charged with shooting racial minority victims. Finally, sometimes the consequences don’t discourage people from committing crimes. In fact, some criminals might be fully aware of implications but choose to break the law anyway. For instance, an armed society wouldn’t deter anyone in the drug gangs on The Wire, because they practically live in one as a business environment. They know they’re criminals and commit their crimes fully knowing what’ll happen to them if they piss off their superiors or their enemies. And it could pertain to almost anything. Such notions give me serious doubts on whether an armed society is a polite one after all. To me, living in an armed society is more of a “walking on eggshells society” in which you have to be in public every day of your life afraid of committing the slightest offense that might give a stranger a reason to shoot you. This is not the kind of society I want to live in because scaring people straight by threatening their lives is no recipe for lasting peace and security and more of constant tense and tenuous standoff between warring parties. I’d prefer to live in a gun-free zone any day.

6. “Guns aren’t the problem. Our poor mental health system is the problem.” – Yes, our mental health system needs reform. But many gun rights activists think that reforming our mental health system might make all out mass shooting problems go away. However, they overlook two major things. First, like the general population, most mentally ill people are harmless. Second, while some mass shooters might have a mental illness, most do not. Third, they fail to take into account other factors play into the gun violence issue besides a poor mental health system like poverty, drugs, and gang activity in bad neighborhoods. In many ways, guns give people a sense of power and in the wrong hands it’s a deadly combination. Thus, even if the US mental health system is reformed and improved, there are other factors pertaining to gun violence that we have to deal with. Even if better mental health systems do prevent mass shootings, gun violence will still be a problem. Besides, as gun violence is concerned, mass shootings are only the tip of the iceberg since it’s a multifaceted problem with multifaceted solutions. And part of the solution is tighter enforcement and tighter regulation.

Opponents of gun control love to point out how Chicago has a very bad problem with violence despite its tight gun laws. However, little do they know that Chicago’s gun problems have more to do with its laws being at city level, lack of stronger national gun laws, and geography. Besides, it was later found out that most firearms involved in Chicago gun crimes were legally bought in Indiana.

7. “But gun control won’t stop criminals from getting guns and committing crimes.” – Yes, but that’s like saying that enacting laws isn’t worth it because they won’t stop people from committing crimes. But such laws against crimes help ensure people’s safety or they wouldn’t be on the books in the first place. Nor would we have punishments for breaking them either. So yes, they’re worth it. Then there’s the matter with how gun rights activists point out how Chicago has more violent crimes than Houston. Now since Chicago has tight gun laws and Houston doesn’t, then gun control isn’t very effective. However, they don’t note how US gun laws aren’t uniform between or within states and are rather inadequate at the national level. Take Chicago’s problems with gun violence for instance. Now while the city itself might have tight gun laws, the rest of Illinois does not and neither does Indiana. It was later found that many of Chicago’s guns come from surrounding areas like Indiana. Why? Because lack of a uniform gun laws allows firearms to travel from loose law areas to tight law areas. Weak national gun laws make it inadequate to crack down on illegal firearms circulation with most gun violence occurring with such weapons. Such weak national laws undermine attempts at gun control everywhere. Thus, any form of gun control Chicago implements will be ineffective not because of the laws themselves, but because Chicago has no legal authority to regulate firearm circulation outside its limits.

8. “Guns aren’t the problem. Exposure to violent entertainment is the problem.” – I’m well aware that violence in entertainment is endemic in our culture whether it be movies, TV, video games, and other media. However, while violence in the media might make viewers somewhat less sensitive to what goes on in real life, most of the time it doesn’t lead people into committing violent crimes. Yes, the US has a lot of violence in the media which appeals to a wide range of people. But most industrialized countries also consume a lot of violent media as well. Yes, I know that they watch and play the same violent stuff Americans do. But they also produce a lot of violent stuff of their own. Japan is known to produce a lot of violent movies and video games. Audition and Battle Royale are Japanese movies famous for their gore. But they have a lot movies featuring samurai and Godzilla. Oh, and they’re home to Nintendo and Sony, by the way. Great Britain produces a lot of murder mysteries and crime shows. Of course, you’d expect that in a country which produced Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie. But many recent British crime shows have death counts of 1-4 victims per episode. A British show called Midsomer Murders has a higher body count than The Wire. Sweden brought us series like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and Wallander both of which are disturbingly dark, violent, and gory. And then there is the Spanish Pan’s Labyrinth which has some cold blooded torture scenes that would make Jack Bauer wet his pants. Now if violent entertainment led to violent crime, these four countries would be in very deep shit. However, none of them have the level of gun violence prevalent in the United States. So the argument that exposure to violent entertainment encourages violent behavior is weak. Well, Britain may have a higher violent crime rate than the US but its gun crime rate is low. But even so, Britain still experiences far less murders than its crime shows depict, particularly the ridiculously violent Midsomer Murders.

This is a handy infographic explaining the nature of gun violence. And yes, it goes to great lengths to say that it’s definitely about the guns. Yes, it’s a cultural thing but we can’t really dismiss guns from the equation.

9. “Other weapons are just as bad.” – Yes, I get that guns aren’t the only weapons that kill people. I’m aware that people die of stab wounds, strangling, bludgeoning, poisoning, or what not. And I know that terrorists could make their own bombs. However, these methods usually take a certain amount of effort to kill somebody. Stabbing, strangling, bludgeoning, and other physical means usually take a certain amount of physical effort and sometimes knowledge of the anatomy. And many of them aren’t always lethal, especially if victims seek proper medical treatment as soon as possible. Poisoning somebody tends to take some degree of planning and preparation as well as has a great potential to backfire in many ways. Murders via poisoning are almost always considered premeditated, especially when the poison can be traced to the source. As for making a bomb, well, you have to pose some degree of knowledge in explosives and chemistry as well as produce it without attracting suspicion. And let’s just say building a bomb without attracting suspicion is a very difficult thing to do if you live within civilization. Besides, even making a bomb would lead to a quick arrest and a long jail sentence. When it comes to killing somebody with a gun, all you have to do is aim and pull the trigger. And even if shooting doesn’t always kill, it will at least send the victim to the emergency room with wounds that might not be easily treatable. The fact guns are deadly weapons even idiots can operate explains why so many people get killed by them.

10. “The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” – Just because such concept works in Hollywood doesn’t mean it’ll work in real life. But after the Sandy Hook shooting, there was a call by gun rights activists for armed guards in schools as well as possibly arming the teachers. However, they didn’t consider the fact that Columbine High School had an armed guard in 1999 and Virginia Tech has its own campus police force. And we know that neither case had these good guys stopping the shooter. And during the mass shooting in Tucson, Arizona, an armed man nearly shot the unarmed individual who disarmed Jared Loughner when he was reloading. Not to mention, shouting “fire” in a crowded theater is a classic example of endangering others and it’s possible that more people would’ve been killed in that movie theater in Aurora if more people had guns. We should understand that the gun lobby has a vigilante mentality and their supporters usually view the “good guy with a gun” as themselves. But despite what you see in the media, vigilantes might take the law in their own hands on how they interpret it (which might depend on their own agenda). And they may claim to justify their actions as a fulfillment to the community’s wishes. But this doesn’t make vigilantes good people you’d want around during a mass shooting. In fact, it’s understandable why law enforcement loathes vigilantism and why it’s illegal under most circumstances.

11. “Gun control hurts law abiding gun owners.” – Of course, you hear this argument all the time from the pro-gun lobby. However, most gun control measures hardly ever apply to law abiding citizens. And even so, the worst thing law abiding gun owners would be subjected to under tougher gun laws would consist of a background checks and other bureaucratic inconveniences. But other than that, as long as gun owners obey the law and don’t pose a danger to others, it’s very unlikely that gun control will hurt their rights. Under gun control, the people most likely to have their guns taken away are criminals. Besides, gun violence hurts victims, their families, and survivors every day of their lives. Don’t their lives matter, too?

In recent years, the belief that widespread gun ownership as a defense against a tyrannical government has been an alluring idea among Americans. However, this has led to some right wing loons to form citizen militias to defend themselves against government intrusion. As if they’d even have a chance if they’d really have a chance of staging a successful uprising (not).

12. “But we need guns to protect ourselves against a tyrannical government.” – Government corruption is nothing new that even the Founding Fathers understood it that they came up with checks and balances. Competition between branches in the bureaucracy has assured that no one person or group became powerful. Now the US government has a total of 456 reported federal agencies, all with their own bureaucracy. Despite what small government minded Republicans might say, the size of the government is actually a check rather than a sign of it. And as government grows, so do the regulations and bureaucracy. More bureaucracy means more people. More people means more competition. And competition within government means security. We also have to account that the American political culture is deeply rooted in a 200 year tradition with democracy. And Americans tend to be extremely wary of government infringing on individual liberty which is traced back to the American Revolution. So as far as the US is concerned, there is absolutely no way in our system for one person or party to consolidate power. Now the paranoia that the government’s going to take people’s guns away and the president becoming a tyrant is said to be reminiscent of the Republican Party’s Southern Strategy. In other words, it’s simply right-wing propaganda meant to instill fear. Such paranoia has increased since Barack Obama’s election even though Obama isn’t the first president to support gun control measures (despite having the strongest excuse to do so) and is only different from his predecessors in one superficial way (being black).

The open carry movement is one where people openly carry guns into public places as a way of “exercising their rights.” Of course, they also manage to scare the hell of reasonable people. Yes, they’re probably loons.

13. “Carrying a gun makes you safe.” – Well, it’s possible that carrying a gun might make you feel safe, but that doesn’t mean other people will. Unless you wear a badge or in a uniform, then carrying a gun in public will make people suspect that you’re a dangerous criminal, an outright loon, or both. If you’re a young man who’s black, Latino, or of Middle Eastern/South Asian descent, then carrying a gun in public will make people suspect the former and possibly call the cops on you due to widespread racial profiling in the US. Seriously, if it was Trayvon Martin shooting George Zimmerman, “Stand Your Ground” would’ve not have gotten him out of a prison sentence. Many gun rights activists think carrying a gun around will make them able to defend themselves and others (a vigilante complex if you will). However, there is no credible evidence that the carrying loaded weapons decreases crime. And studies supporting this notion have been frequently debunked by a range of academic researchers. But that doesn’t stop states from implementing “Stand Your Ground” laws in recent years, which state that civilians can shoot without a duty to retreat, even in public places. Those in the gun lobby states that such laws are needed to decrease crime. But these laws are mostly based on the gun lobby’s vigilante mentality. Researchers at Texas A&M say otherwise.

Contrary to what the gun lobby says, self-defense is rare during crimes. And it’s especially less common for a person to defend oneself with a gun. Not only that, but this chart from the Bureau of Statistics and the National Crime Victimization Society reveal that most property crime victims weren’t even present at the time.

14. “Having a gun at home makes you safe.” – Studies show that a gun in the home is more likely to be used to commit suicide or to threaten and/or kill an intimate than to defend against an attacker. There’s also a chance for accidents which most gun owners are familiar with. Not to mention, leaving a loaded gun out in the open is one of the most irresponsible things a gun owner can do. It’s a recipe for disaster. This is especially true in a home with small children. There’s a reason why you find stuff on gun safety. But you hear a lot from the gun lobby stating how having a gun might help protect you and your family during a home invasion. However, what they get wrong is that home invasions are rare and usually occur when the either residents aren’t home or sleeping. Because they’re mostly robberies. Now a home invasion might be a traumatic experience but the chances of one resulting in homicide are rare. Why? Because burglars want to avoid contact during home break-ins and try to steal stuff as quickly and quietly as possible. Make any noise to wake up the family or the neighborhood and they’re screwed. Still, most people are usually killed or attacked by somebody they know which is why most home homicides usually pertain to family disputes or domestic violence.

In the United States, women are more likely to be killed by someone they know, particularly a current or ex-significant other. A woman runs an even greater risk of being killed if she’s in an abusive relationship with an intimate partner, especially if there’s a gun in the house. Therefore, most of the time having a gun for self-defense will not help her.

15. “Guns make women safe.” – I know there are plenty of gun rights activists who say this since women aren’t as physically strong as men. However, a woman’s safety has less to do with whether or not she has a gun in the house than the quality of her relationships. This is especially true when it pertains to intimate partners such as husbands, boyfriends, fiances, and what not. Besides, when gun rights supporters say this, they’re usually referring to women being attacked and/or killed by strangers. But most violent crimes involving women usually pertain to people they know whether they be victims or perpetrators, especially intimate partners. And they’re almost always linked to domestic abuse. Now it’s one thing for a woman to have gun to protect herself on the street against a possible violent stranger. But if you’re a woman living with an abusive partner, owning a gun won’t help your case because that person will try to control you through any means necessary. Besides, when you’re living with someone, it’s much more difficult to keep certain things to yourself, especially if you’re in an intimate relationship with them. Guns are among these things. Your abuser will find that gun and will somehow gain access to it. And there’s a strong chance that they might use it to kill you. After all, in 2010, women were 6 times more likely to be shot by their husbands, boyfriends, and ex-partners than by male strangers. And if a woman’s domestic abuser has access to a gun, she’s more than 5 times likely to be killed by them. It should surprise nobody that there have been calls for implementing gun laws restricting firearms access to spousal abusers. Not to mention, even if a woman successfully shoots her abuser in an effort to defend herself, this doesn’t mean that she’s out of the woods yet. We have to be remember that there are plenty of women in prison for killing their abusers, too, especially if they’re poor women of color. So if you have a little girl, you should probably spend less time teaching her how to shoot and perhaps teach her how to spot a potential domestic abuser and how to get out of it before it gets more serious. Because she’ll be more safe if she’s willing to dump a guy who’s been nasty to the waiter.

This is a diagram on how gun trafficking works in the United States. Because 40% of all gun transfers don’t require background check, this allows criminals to legally purchase weapons through hiring people with clean records to buy the guns for them, one-on-one pass offs, gun shows, and black market transactions. Not to mention, it’s not unusual for some criminals to buy guns in areas with looser gun restrictions as well.

16. “We don’t need more gun laws. We just need to enforce the ones we have.” – Yes, we do need to enforce the laws we already have and even law enforcement agrees. But even law enforcement believes that stronger enforcement without stronger gun laws isn’t enough. Remember that most mass shooting victims were killed with legally purchased weapons such as military style assault weapons with high capacity magazines. Many existing gun laws at the federal level are riddled with loopholes and gaps. And federal enforcement action has been constantly hampered thanks to gun lobby efforts that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives is now under-funded and without permanent leadership. Not to mention, 40% of all legal gun transfers don’t require background checks.

17. “Gun control won’t stop gun violence.” – I’m very well aware of that. However, while there have been more mass shootings than there used to be, they’re still relatively rare and very unlikely to happen in most American neighborhoods. Nevertheless, while gun control measures may not be 100% effective, that doesn’t mean they don’t work. Take gun-free zones, for instance. Yes, I know they’ve been sites of plenty mass shootings, but they don’t happen every day. But gun-free zones are everywhere and have rather wide appeal not just among public and civil establishments as well as churches, but also among businesses. Why? Because most people generally don’t like being around guns in public since they don’t feel safe around civilians carrying firearms (law enforcement is a different story at least in the US since they are supposed to know what they’re doing). Guns in public make people very uncomfortable, sometimes to the point of calling the police. Why? Because most people are fully aware that guns are dangerous and can kill people. A stranger with a deadly weapon is often feared, especially civilians whose natures may be unpredictable. And all the mass shootings, armed robberies, and other armed incidents on the news kind of reinforce that fear. So instead of trying to determine which civilians can openly carry a gun, it’s much easier to ban all civilians from carrying guns on the public premises. And even when guns aren’t banned, the gun-free zone mentality still manifests in our social mores. So any open carry activist “exercising their rights” will be viewed as threat no matter whether the establishment permits guns or not. While they might not work all the time, gun-free zones are very effective policy since it prevents an unsafe situation involving lots of people with loaded guns. Besides, unarmed civilians have survived mass shootings and other incidents involving gun violence. The point is that despite gun-free zones being scenes of mass shootings, the practice of banning guns in public places isn’t going away because it’s a policy that’s effective, popular, and smart.

This is a chart from a Catholic magazine from Philadelphia. But though it doesn’t have the same poll results I wrote down, it does show that a sizable chunk of the American public support some gun control. Not to mention most Americans don’t want guns in school, church, or in government buildings.

18. “Americans don’t want meaningful gun reform.” – Here in America, you’d be surprised how many issues people viciously fight about that they secretly agree on. Now gun control is a highly contentious issue in American politics as well as polarized among party lines (mostly because the NRA bankrolls a lot of Republican politicians. Not to mention, that the gun lobby tends to run propaganda with an appeal to fear). However, the Joyce Foundation has noted that various public opinion polls show that Americans overwhelmingly support specific gun policy solutions. 92% of Americans support requiring universal background checks on all potential gun buyers while 63% support banning assault weapons. 74% of NRA members also support universal background checks as well.

19. “Guns are essential for self-defense.” – Reports on mass shootings and other violent crimes have led many to believe that fighting crime requires to fight fire with fire. However, according to the Violence Policy Center (based on data by the FBI and the Bureau of Statistics), there were only 258 justifiable homicides involving civilian gun use in 2012. Compare this to 8,342 criminal homicides and 22,000 suicides and accidental shootings. In 2011, nearly 10 times more people were shot and killed during arguments than by civilians trying to stop a crime. Sorry, but the numbers don’t lie. I also hear from many that a mass shooting would’ve been prevented if somebody had a gun on them. However, they forget that whenever you’re in a mass shooting situation, armed civilian confrontation with the shooter is generally not recommended. Rather it’s best advised that you call the cops and let them confront the perpetrator. In the meantime, you’re better off either trying to escape, hiding, or playing dead until the cops show up. Trying to confront the shooter is a quick way to get shot (as well as should only be done as a last resort). And if you use a gun, you might risk endangering others in the process.

Many people think that trained armed guards would be able to prevent mass shootings since many take place in gun-free zones. However, they tend to forget about the mass shooting at Fort Hood. Still, gun-free zones may not prevent another tragedy, but I’ll take my chances with them than in an armed society.

20. “Switzerland and Israel seem to do okay without gun control.” – Gun rights advocates like to think that Switzerland and Israel to prove that gun control doesn’t make much difference. However, while both countries have a tradition of military service, they also limit firearm ownership and require a permit renewal 1-4 times annually. That may not be as restrictive as other countries, but it’s still gun control. So saying they do okay without gun control resoundingly false.

21. “Other countries are different.” – Yes, US history may differ from those of other countries. And yes, the US might contain American cultural exceptionalism, pioneer spirit, and a history of racial tension. However, having a violent national history is actually the norm among most nation states. Seriously, you’d be hard pressed to find a country that hasn’t experienced some degree of conflict or civil unrest in its past. And there are plenty of countries that have existed in the world longer than the US. Far longer, in fact. Let’s just say world history has no shortage of violent incidents and that people would kill each other on just about anything. And just because many industrialized nations have strict gun laws, doesn’t mean violent crime is non-existent. It just that their violent criminals are less likely to use guns, which results in less people getting killed.

Many people who think American gun violence has to do with illegal immigration are dead wrong. In fact, most of the guns used by Mexican drug cartels were American made. So it’s American guns being trafficked into Mexico.

22. “US borders are too open.” – For God’s sake, undocumented immigrants aren’t the problem in the gun debate. Besides, it’s hard to imagine it would be easy for criminals to obtain weapons that had to be smuggled through ports, airports, or across the Mexican border. Besides, most illegal gun trafficking in the US is within the country itself that most American criminals wouldn’t see the need for importing guns from Mexico. Why would a Chicago gangster go through the trouble of smuggling guns through the Mexican border when he could easily buy one legally in Indiana? It’s just within driving distance and inspections by US Customs are virtually nonexistent. It’s also significantly cheaper. Besides, a lot violence in the world is conducted by American weapons. Seriously, think of all the guns the US has sold to the Middle East and look what happened there. So it wouldn’t make much sense for any American criminals would smuggle guns into the US, especially since Texas lies along most of the Rio Grande. If anything, it would more likely be Latin American drug cartels smuggling weapon across the Mexican border from Texas, which contributes to another problem entirely. Well, at least as far as the US is concerned.

23. “School shootings are a national epidemic.” – I’m aware that a lot of famous mass shootings have taken place in schools like Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Sandy Hook being the most famous. And I’m well aware that the gun lobby has called for school teachers to carry guns, which I think is insane. However, according to FBI crime statistics, the odds of a school shooting in your neck of the woods are statistically rare. More homicides occur in homes, especially if they involve multiple victims. Not to mention, more mass shootings happen in restaurants than in schools. But nobody’s asking the wait staff to carry guns. In fact, it’s said that children are almost 100 times more likely to be murdered outside of school than at school (with odds being 1 in a million). So child gun homicides are more likely attributed to severe family dysfunction (like abuse) than having a classmate who’s a homicidal nutjob. This makes massive school spending on building security seem like a waste in taxpayer money.

This is a good cartoon from Facebook highlighting the ways people can fall victims of gun violence. Many gun rights activists tend to believe that more guns lead to less crime. However, there’s a positive correlation between gun crimes and gun ownership rates.

24. “More guns equal less crime.” – This is a very common argument by gun rights activists, which was given rise by a controversial book by John Lott Jr. called More Guns, Less Crime. It has been debunked by peer review since its publication and Lott has also come under scrutiny for ethics violations regarding his research. Other studies arguing about high rates of gun usage in self defense have also come under scrutiny. The Harvard Injury Control Research Center has determined a positive correlation between gun ownership and violence (especially in impoverished neighborhoods). Since the 1970s both have been in decline though there’s been an uptick in recent years. Nevertheless, since the US has one of the highest gun ownership rates, it’s no surprise that 15 of the 25 worst mass shootings in the last 50 years have happened here. Not only that, but the American South is the most violent region in the country as well as has the highest prevalence of gun carrying. Furthermore, The Johns Hopkins Center For Gun Policy and Research have found that expanding concealed carry laws increase aggravated assaults. So contrary to what the gun lobby says, more guns lead to more crime.

25. “Dictators take away guns from their people and look what they do.” – Gun rights activists love to talk about how dictators like Hitler and Stalin took guns away from their own people before they began committing genocide. However, the notion of Hitler and Stalin taking people’s guns away is historically inaccurate. And if Hitler took any guns from people, they were from groups he wanted to exterminate anyway like Jews and Gypsies. As with everyone else, he actually expanded private gun ownership. But you hear many pro-gun activists say that if the Jews and the Gypsies were armed, there would be no Holocaust. But there is no historical basis of this. If anything, arming them might’ve “hastened their demise” according to SUNY political science chair Robert Spitzer. So how did Hitler gain control and remained in power? Well, we have to concede that prior to World War II, Hitler was extremely popular among the German people and throughout the world. I mean he had to be popular enough to be appointed chancellor by President von Hindenburg in 1932, shortly before the Nazi propaganda machine gained full steam. Of course, he also had Brownshirts beating people up but that’s beside the point. Suggesting that the only thing keeping Hitler in charge was the control of guns exonerates many who truly supported him and helped him gain power in the first place. It’s also very bad history that teaches us a terrible lesson. Same goes for the Bolsheviks in Soviet Russia and the idea that an armed populace would’ve stopped them or Stalin is nothing but a fantasy. Ask any White Russian who knows. Stalin was also extremely popular in his country as well. Nevertheless, we should understand that dictators don’t gain control through taking people’s guns away. They do it through propaganda and ruthlessly suppressing dissent in order to secure lifelong popularity. Besides, there are plenty of Third World dictatorships that break into civil war with both sides carrying AK-47s.

Many gun rights activists may say that legal gun owners don’t commit crimes. However, many criminals buy their weapons at gun shows because they don’t require background checks. So what does that tell you?

26. “Legal gun owners don’t commit crimes.” – Yes, most gun crimes are committed with illegal guns but that’s because in the US, a legally bought gun in Indiana can easily become illegal when sold on the Chicago black market. And federal gun laws are so weak that such acts can go off without a hitch. But even then, the number of legal guns increases and so does the likelihood of a gun falling into the wrong hands. Besides, Mother Jones found that most mass shootings involved legally purchased guns. Also, 40% of legal gun transfers don’t require background checks which makes it easy for criminals legally obtain weapons through hiring people with clean records to buy the guns for them, passing them off one-by-one, gun shows, and black market transactions. Sometimes they can even legally purchase weapons in places with less gun restrictions. Not to mention, there’s a movement to prevent domestic abusers from accessing firearms. And domestic violence is not just a crime, but can also lead to murder, especially if guns are in the picture. So what does that tell you?

27. “Assault weapons aren’t frequently used in crimes.” – Yes, assault weapons aren’t used a lot in crimes since most gun violence is perpetuated by handguns. But whenever an assault weapon is used in an attack, there are 54% more deaths. It’s no surprise that most of the deadliest mass shootings in the US have involved assault weapons like an AR-15. Many tend to use high capacity magazines which allow for higher casualties. Since the 1994 Assault Weapons Ban expired, mass shootings have been on the rise, particularly since 2007.

So if the Second Amendment is absolute, that means I can have my very own fighter jet, right? I mean the gun lobby says Americans have a right to bear arms which shall never be infringed. But they never say anything about my right to own a fighter jet.

28. “The Second Amendment is absolute.” – Really? Well, let me put it to you, constitutional rights aren’t always absolute either. Take the Second Amendment for instance, which gun rights activists say that it gives people a right to own a gun under any circumstance which must be protected. However, “the right to bear arms” can also pertain to owning a weapon. So if Second Amendment rights were absolute, then I should be able to own a tank, a bazooka, a bomber plane, a fighter jet, a hand grenade, a howitzer, an anti-aircraft gun, and all those cool military weapons that I’m sure are illegal for civilian ownership or use. And I’m sure that the Founding Fathers never intended the Second Amendment to give civilians the right to own a cannon either. Strange that gun rights activists don’t campaign for that because authorizing such weapons for civilians would be downright insane (as you can see how the military put an anti-aircraft gun in a civilian’s back yard in 1941). Still, the fact that even law abiding American citizens can’t privately own these weapons for civilian use should demonstrate that gun control is constitutional. Hell, even Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said so himself in Heller v. DC: “Like most rights, the right secured by the Second Amendment is not unlimited…nothing in our opinion should be taken to cast doubt on longstanding prohibitions on the possession of firearms by felons and the mentally ill, or laws forbidding the carrying of firearms in sensitive places such as schools and government buildings, or laws imposing conditions and qualifications on the commercial sale of arms.”

This is a billboard in Illinois that highlights the convoluted ideas of American cultural heritage. One of these is an assault rifle which is a weapon of choice among mass shooters. This is appalling.

29. “Guns are a part of America’s heritage. Gun control is not.” – You tend to see American history in movies as quite violent. But the as gun possession is as old as the country, then so is gun control. During the time of the Founding Fathers, state and federal governments conducted several arms censuses (like officials going door to door to ask now many guns you had and whether they worked). Besides, contrary to what the western movies depict, establishments in the Old West did practice some degree of gun control. For instance, guns were often banned in saloons for very good reason. Not to mention, Tombstone had far stricter gun control during the gunfight at the O.K. Corral than it does today (deterring the number of Old West saloon shootouts which is a very common feature in westerns). Also the US implemented gun control policies to crack down on mob violence during the 1920s, particularly when it came to confiscating Tommy Guns. Thus, to not implement gun control because it’s not part of the American heritage is absurd.

30. “Background checks don’t work.” – Actually background checks do. Since its inception the National Instant Criminal Background Check System (NICS) has blocked more than 1.9 million permit applications and gun sales to felons, the seriously mentally ill, drug abusers, and other dangerous people prohibited by federal law from possessing firearms. However, because 40% of gun transfers occur without background checks, more comprehensive gun background checks are needed to curb gun violence and trafficking. Besides, people disobey speed limits all the time. Does that mean we shouldn’t have them?

31. “Gun laws don’t work.” – Actually aside from background checks, other gun control measures work as well. The 1994-2004 Assault Weapons Ban, while riddled with loopholes allowing gun manufacturers to evade, led to a decrease in gun seizures with high capacity magazines by Virginia law enforcement. Seizures spiked after it expired. And mass shootings have been on the rise since assault weapons equipped with high capacity magazines have become the weapons of choice in mass shootings. So despite its faults, the Assault Weapons Ban worked. Not only that, but state laws designed to regulate gun dealers, including regular compliance inspections have been effective in reducing gun trafficking within their jurisdiction.

32. “Gun ownership is on the rise.” – Gun ownership is actually in decline in the US and has been since the 1970s. A vast majority of Americans don’t own firearms. However, those who own guns, own more of them.

33. “It’s more dangerous now than it used to be.” – Of course, crimes stories have a high tendency to get on the news which might make one think that there’s more crime out there than there used to be. And the prevalence of mass shootings has also reinforced that notion. However, since the 1970s, American crime has steadily declined. Gun violence has declined as well. But this doesn’t mean it’s not less of a problem or a public health concern since it kills 30,000 per year.

This is a pro-gun picture depicting how gun-free zones don’t prevent mass shootings and how police don’t stop massacres. However, if you’re in a mass shooting situation, it’s generally recommended you don’t try to confront the shooter with firearms. It’s best advised that you leave the defensive shooting to the police in these circumstances.

34. “Police don’t show up on time and don’t stop massacres.” – A lot of gun rights activists tend to have a dim view of society and claim that every second counts so it’s better to act now. After all, the shooter could kill, escape taking something, or what not. However, while it takes time for police to get to the scene of a crime when called, this doesn’t mean self-defense is the best option. For instance, for civilians, using a gun to confront a mass shooter is generally seen as a very stupid idea. Besides, when it comes to subduing criminals, the police are professionals who’ve been rigorously trained to stop active shooters. Stopping a mass shooter requires extraordinary skills honed under acute duress which most law enforcement officials have. Most civilian gun owners don’t possess such skills, which most gun rights activists like to ignore and think anyone with a gun can stop a mass shooting. However, that’s really not the case since police can stop massacres and do. It’s the civilians who can’t. So if you’re in a mass shooting situation, it’s better to leave the shooting to law enforcement.

35. “To prevent violence we must be able to predict it.” – Now this argument is tied with the idea we can prevent mass shootings if we provide adequate mental health services to high risk individuals. Sorry, but mentally ill people are no more at risk for violent behavior than anyone else. Besides, prevention by prediction isn’t 100% effective because predictions aren’t always accurate. Seriously, just watch your local weather forecast on the news. Chances are the weatherman has been wrong at least some of the time. Same can be said about gun violence, which many people see as a public health issue. Public health programs have dramatically reduced problems like smoking-related deaths and car accidents. Approaching gun violence the same way should be a no brainer. In fact, numerous studies report that school-based counseling and violence prevention programs are very effective at teaching students how to resolve conflict and problems without escalating to violence. Community mental health services oriented toward prevention are also helpful, especially when it pertains to helping larger populations of people in distress.

These are stats on American gun violence I obtained from an infographic. Despite that gun crimes have gone down, only 10% of non-fatal wounds involved guns. And gun suicides are at an all time high.

36. “The NRA represents freedom.” – Sorry, but living in an armed society isn’t my idea of freedom. The big problem with discussing American gun culture these days is that ideology tends to cloud the facts. The NRA spends large amounts of money to skew the debate by telling everyone that the government is coming for your guns (bullshit). And it doesn’t help that the NRA doesn’t represent the interests of most gun owners these days, even their own members. I mean the NRA is famous for opposing all gun legislation while the most of the people it’s supposed to represent support tighter gun laws. And it has supported gun control measures in the past. So why is that? Well, it turns out that the NRA these days represents gun manufacturers on its board of directors’ nominating committee.

37. “Gun control can’t prevent suicides.” – Nearly 2 out of 3 gun deaths are suicides which is a harrowing statistic for most but this helps gun rights activists argue that mental illness is the problem, not guns. However, while restricting gun access can’t stop people from choosing to kill themselves, keeping guns away from mentally ill people can be rather effective. In fact, it’s said that firearms suicide rates are closely correlated with gun ownership as well as gun crimes. So gun control might not prevent suicides, but it might help prevent suicides with guns.

38. “Shooting and hunting are important American cultural activities.” – Yes, I know people use guns for hunting and target practice at gun ranges. However, people don’t use AK-47s and AR-15s to hunt deer and can just as easily shoot a box full of holes with a handgun. Why? Because using a military style assault weapons to hunt is just stupid. Gun control measures don’t necessarily mean outright gun bans altogether. Nor does it mean an end to sports shooting either.

39. “Gun violence is a city problem.” – Gun violence takes many forms. Gun homicides on the streets might account for a lot of city homicides. But there are plenty of gun violence incidents in rural areas as well like gun injuries, suicides, and homicides stemming from family disputes and domestic violence. There’s also a higher rate of gun ownership in rural areas, by the way.

This chart illustrate how much gun violence costs American taxpayers every year. We should also count the fact that many gun victims are poor. Yeah, I really think Second Amendment rights are getting kind of expensive.

40. “Gun control is expensive.” – It’s no surprise that many gun rights activists tend to equate gun control with big government and high spending. However, loose gun laws aren’t as cheap as you make them out to be since they tend to cost billions of taxpayer money each year on medical and legal costs. And it doesn’t help that most gun violence victims and perpetrators tend to live below the poverty line as well as are either uninsured or on public assistance. From how I view it, gun control as a means to prevent violence is probably much cheaper.

Many pro-gun activists say that so many mass shootings happen in gun-free zones because it makes victims defenseless. But the real story is that public venues most likely tend to be gun-free zones. Besides, the Fort Hood shooting has told us that mass shooters don’t give a shit about a public facility’s gun policy anyway.

41. “Local restrictions attract mass shooters.” – You hear this a lot from gun rights activists since many famous mass shootings have taken place in gun-free zones and leaving victims defenseless. However, as I said before, gun-free zones are very effective policy regardless of whether they attract mass shootings or not. Besides, we should be aware that most gun-free zones are public venues used by a lot of people, which attract violence and crime. Because buildings open to the public normally do that explaining why we have gun-free zones in the first place as a safety measure. It’s just an obvious fact. Not only that, but the fact 43 people were shot during the Fort Hood shooting shows that mass shooters don’t give a shit about firearms policy. Seriously, Fort Hood’s status as a military base makes it far from a gun-free zone. I mean the place would have guns everywhere and people trained to use them, including armed guards. But that didn’t prevent 13 people from being killed in the shooting. Mass shooters’ choices of location usually involve other motives, especially if there’s a chance they’ll know any potential victims. For instance, the Fort Hood shooter was a disturbed army psychiatrist who worked there. The shooters at Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Sandy Hook were students there at some point in their lives. We should also account for the fact that most mass shootings involve legally purchased weapons. Besides, despite how pro-gun activists complain about gun-free zones, confronting a mass shooter with a loaded gun is actually a very stupid idea, anyway. Not to mention, just because a place with loose gun laws doesn’t experience a lot of gun violence doesn’t mean it’s not contributing to the problem. After all, look how loose gun laws in Indiana are contributing to gun violence in Chicago.

42. “Now isn’t the time to talk about guns.” – You tend to hear this in the event of almost every mass shooting or major tragedy involving guns. Yes, I know discussing politics isn’t appropriate after a major tragedy. But mass shootings have been on the rise since 2007 and most experts agree that gun violence is a major public health issue that kills 30,000 a year. Furthermore, gun control measures tend to have a lot of support from law enforcement as well as health care workers who specialize in emergency medical care. Besides, we must remember that Aurora and Newtown happened during the same year. A year before that, a US House Representative was shot in the head in Tuscon. So if now’s not the time to talk about gun control, when is?

43. “Criminals won’t consent to background checks.” – Yes, criminals hate background checks because they limit their ability to buy a gun. However, many of them go through them anyway and get blocked just the same. Nevertheless, if a criminal doesn’t want to consent to a background check then they won’t be allowed to buy guns legally. Thus, by closing legal avenues for them to buy guns, they’ll be forced to risk buying illegal weapons, which police can arrest them for. And if a criminal can’t legally buy a gun in one area, they’ll buy it in another with less gun restrictions.

This is former Democratic US Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and her husband astronaut Mark Kelly. In 2011, Giffords was shot in the head by Jared Loughner in her district of Tucson, Arizona. She had to resign her seat to recover from her injuries. She and her husband are now advocates for gun control, not surprisingly.

44. “But politicians send their children to school with armed guards.” – Fox News likes to point out this one to make many politicians who support gun control look like hypocrites. However, we should note that politicians are public officials and their name recognition makes them assassination targets along with their families. Threats against politicians and their children can disrupt public policy and are a very real threat. This is why we have the Secret Service protecting the President of the United States at all times. Besides, the US has had 4 presidents assassinated. We’ve also had a US congresswoman shot in the head in Tucson not too long ago. There’s nothing hypocritical or elitist about having gun-free zones while our leaders have armed guard protection. I mean not everyone can have their own Secret Service protection, so gun-free zones are the next best thing.

45. “Regulations in gun sales are ineffective because there are so many guns out there.” – The reason why there are so many guns out there is because the US has lax gun regulations at the national level. Besides, despite the number of guns in our society, there’s no reason to make the problem worse than it already is. Guns are so plentiful today that criminals don’t keep their guns long since guns used in crimes can be evidently linked to shootings. So criminals just dispose and replace them with clean weapons. Most criminals don’t have a hard time obtaining clean guns if they know where they can buy one. Regulating gun sales at the national level will eventually lead to criminals having to either hold on to their dirty weapons and risk arrest or spend a ton of money to buy a new gun.

Perhaps these lines from Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind” say it best. However, despite what many might say, we need gun control at a national level now. If we don’t act, then more lives will be lost or ruined.

For More:

The Brady has a handy website on state gun laws called Crimm Advisor. Helps explain the illegal gun trafficking situation within the country and why national action is needed. Crimadvisor

Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence: Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence – Gun Law Information Experts

Not Licensed by the NFL Professional Football Craft Projects

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 13, 2015

Now the felt black and gold scarf I’m wearing was most certainly a craft project. I’m not sure where I got it from but it probably wasn’t licensed by the NFL because it wasn’t intended to sell.

Disclaimer: Some of this content may or may not be licensed by the NFL as far as I’m concerned. It’s said that products not NFL licensed can’t really be sold. But on this post, who really gives a shit. Besides, many of these products might be sold on Etsy anyways as we speak. Some might not be even on sale at all. And even if they’re not licensed and unsold, I’ll still show them anyway. So suck it, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

You normally don’t think of football and crafty projects as things that go together. I mean you always hear the joke about the guy forgoing his sports obsession so his wife can go to the craft show. However, as I’ve navigated the uncharted waters of Pinterest, you tend to find a lot of sports inspired craft projects for some reason. Of course, some may say that they were made by moms, but sometimes it’s not always the case. I mean craft projects tend to cover a wide range and I’m sure there are plenty of women sports fans. Not to mention, you have NFL legend Rosey Grier who was a defensive tackle as well as one of the original Fearsome Foursome for the then Los Angeles Rams as well as got elected to the Pro Bowl twice. However, off the field, Grier was known for his unusual hobbies like needlepoint and macrame. Not only that, but he also wrote a book in 1973 called Rosey Grier’s Needlepoint for Men. So let’s just say the association between the NFL and craft projects isn’t as far fetched as you think. And I guarantee that people make all kinds of things to support their team as you might see on Pinterest or Etsy. So if you’re just a fan who likes to work with their hands, here is an assortment of NFL crafts for your viewing pleasure and possible inspiration.

For keeping warm in Wisconsin, you might want to go with a Green Bay Packers quilt.

Now this quilt is guaranteed to protect you from the cold as well as passionate Green Bay Packers fans. Yes, they can be a rowdy bunch if you let them.

2. A boy’s room can’t be without a Denver Broncos football lamp.

Now this Broncos lamp will look great in any little Denver boy’s room. Of course, it’s possible that one of the South Park kids has this.

3. No little Dallas Cowboys fan should go without their very own crotchet cowboy hat and boots.

Well, it’s appropriate for a young Dallas Cowboy fan. However, the problem with little kid clothes is that they tend to grow out of them very quickly.

4. A Seahawks crocheted cap will certainly keep you snug in Seattle.

And they seem to come in multiple sizes. Still, love the hawk motif on them. However, I think the smaller one might be a bit more angry.

5. Drink a toast with a hand painted New England Patriots wine glass.

Of course, Patriots fans, it’s best to hold a toast before the cheating allegations get out. And not when Tom Brady’s suspension is lifted so he can start as quarterback in the opening game.

6. Let this wooden cross signify that Gold bless the Dallas Cowboys.

Yes, I know that Cowboys fans may be good Christians. But nevertheless, as someone from the Pittsburgh area, I have strong doubts that God is on their side.

7. This little Pittsburgh Steelers doll waves her Terrible Towel in pride.

Now this is adorable with her little smile and pigtails. Also love her black and gold stockings.

8. Any football fan should show their team spirit with their very own fan of lace.

And it seems like these consist of the Dallas Cowboys, the San Francisco 49ers, the Oakland Raiders, and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Not to mention, the 49ers fan comes in black or white lace.

9. You can’t have a wreath supporting the Miami Dolphins if you don’t have feathers and ribbons.

I guarantee that you’ll see a lot of wreaths in this post. And yes, I admit that this wreath possesses the some degree of tackiness. But you can say the same about Florida.

10. You can’t welcome guests for game day without an Oakland Raiders lamp post.

I’m sure this decoration was rarely used for a Super Bowl party. Knowing how the Raiders don’t have a great track record.

11. Nothing makes tailgating better than a Detroit Lions lawn chair.

They have lawn chairs for each team by the way. And they’re all painted and made from wood. So they’re more durable than their plastic counterparts.

12. Don’t have a tailgating centerpiece? You can always make one yourself.

This one is for the Washington Redskins. And the fact it’s DIY is quite obvious. But still, anything with Redskins imagery is said to be offensive to Native Americans. For obvious reasons.

13. Top off your pencils with your very own Indianapolis Colts pencil toppers.

Seems like one of the more useless craft projects ever. Seriously, bare pencils look professional. Pencils with canvas decorations look stupid.

14. A little girl must always shine in her little Seattle Seahawks ribbon trimmed tutu.

Yes, there are even crafts where people can decorate NFL tutus for some reason. Of course, this is for a little girl so its adorable for now.

15. Bring the football spirit outside with this Green Bay Packers birdhouse.

Comes with its very own grill and beer keg. Still, it looks as if it was fashioned by Lincoln logs for some reason.

16. Though these two may be rooting for different teams, they always try to keep their marriage strong.

My cousins from Maryland seriously need to get this for their parents on their next wedding anniversary. Still, it’s kind of funny how my Uncle Mike didn’t speak to my Aunt Jane for 2 days after the Steelers won a game against the Ravens in a major upset.

17. Why wear a player jersey while you can don a Denver Broncos apron for the big game?

Well, at least you don’t have to worry about players being traded. Of course, I’m not sure about the orange strap on the front though.

18. Relax and enjoy the tailgate party with this New England Patriots lawn chair cushion.

Of course, there’s a strong chance that this might be deflated like the New England Patriots’ footballs. Have to get that out there somewhere.

19. For Christmas why don’t you hang a candy cane San Francisco 49ers snow flake on your Christmas tree?

Now this is an elaborate ornament for a Christmas tree. Of course, Not sure where they got the gold and red snowflakes from. But I think this ornament should be kept higher in the tree to keep away from small children and animals.

20. Even minions love the Green Bay Packers.

Now this is an ornament made from clay. However, let’s just say that minions are seen almost everywhere in the craft world since they’re so easy to make.

21. Have old glass bottles lying around? Then why not make Dallas Cowboys bottle lamps out of them?

Okay, I’m not a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. But even I have to admit that these are really nice bottle lamps.

22. You don’t need a lot of ribbon and decorations to make a New Orleans Saints wreath.

It’s also not well known that many New Orleans Saints craft decorations can also be used for Mardi Gras. Well, if you don’t put much emphasis on the color scheme.

23. This Seattle Seahawks dress will certainly make game day a blast.

Now I’m not sure about the green stripes on the top. Then again, maybe this dress is in very poor lighting.

24. Have your tailgate party on game day with a Houston Texans mosaic table.

I’m sure this took a long time to build and put in a mosaic. Of course, the person who made this at least supports a team with an easy logo.

25. Keep your feet nice and warm with these NFL fleece boot liners.

Now we have the Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Or as I call it teams from places where it gets really cold and/or wet.

26. Seems like this Minnesota Vikings fan has a quilt on full display.

Yes, this is my second quilt on this post. But it's on display with a square pattern. Not to mention, this dog seems very happy about it.

Yes, this is the second quilt on this post. But it’s on display with a square pattern. Not to mention, this dog seems very happy about it.

27. Cook tailgate dishes on game day with this Dallas Cowboys apron.

Reminds me of the kind of aprons you see women wearing in 1950s sitcoms. You know the black and white shows you see the mom being immaculately dressed in the late afternoon with perfect hair.

28. Of course, if you can’t put lights in a bottle, you can always use a mason jar.

Now these consist of the Philadelphia Eagles, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the Dallas Cowboys. And each one is a color respective to their team.

29. For little girls, a San Diego Chargers dress is perfect for game day.

Now this is adorable. Also, said to be made from an old pillow case. Not only that, but it also comes with a couple of bows.

30. With a feather boa, a strong blue Christmas ribbon, a horseshoe cardboard piece, and a hanger, you too, can make your very own Indianapolis Colts wreath.

Now this is quite flashy for NFL craft projects. However, you can tell this was made from a hanger because it doesn’t look quite round. But, hey, what can you do.

31. Some people buy their own grills. Others make them, especially this Dallas Cowboys fan with too much time on his hands.

Comes with a cooler, bucket, trash can, and more. Still, hope this one runs on charcoal and not propane. But you have to wonder why anyone would even make this in their garage.

32. Now you can store your favorite sweets in these NFL candy dispensers.

Now these come in San Francisco 49ers, Oakland Raiders, Denver Broncos, Pittsburgh Steelers, and San Diego Chargers. Of course, what candy you put in depends on you. But I would recommend that you avoid Dum Dums lollipops.

33. This Philadelphia Eagles flower pony tail holder is bound to make any young fan look pretty.

Now they have a lot of these and for every team. But since I didn’t put anything from the Eagles, this will do.

34. Any Christmas tree in Wisconsin can’t be complete without a Green Bay Packers light bulb ornament.

Interesting how many craft projects involved making stuff from recycled materials. For all I know this could be a light bulb that burned out.

35. An avid fan just can’t go to a winter game without a Denver Broncos crocheted helmet.

It might keep you warm during the winter. But it won’t protect you from a concussion. Still, a very clever design.

36. Even this wooden snowman supports the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Now this is quite adorable. Of course, it can’t hold a football and Terrible Towel. However, still manages to show its spirit.

37. This little snowman is showing its spirit for the Detroit Lions.

I think they have snowmen like this for all the teams. But unlike the other snowman, this one is fully clothed and sewn with denim.

38. Now you can’t spend football game night without a New Orleans Saints table light.

I think this creation was made with two dollar store picture frames. And I guess the fleur de lis came from printed paper.

39. Light up your lawn with this Green Bay Packers spotlight.

I wonder if this produces a logo like bat signal. Also, I’m sure some comic book geek wants to make one of their own only with a different shape instead of a Packers logo.

40. Nothing makes you a true football fan like a crocheted Minnesota Vikings viking hat.

Now this looks quite crazy with the long horns and the braided pigtails. And I think this one might be made for a baby of either gender.

41. Nothing makes your home look better than a Baltimore Ravens stone edging.

Of course, I’m sure my Uncle Mike might want this. However, my Aunt Jane certainly won’t let him. Also, they have these in straight edge as well as for all teams.

42. Light it up with a Pittsburgh Steelers pipe lamp.

Made with the kind of pipes you might leave in your garage or buy at a hardware store. Also, pulled by a black and gold football string.

43. Celebrate this Christmas by putting a New York Giants fan elf ornament on your Christmas tree.

Seems like the North Pole elves are Giants fans for some reason. Then again, beating the New England Patriots in two Super Bowls probably would put those guys on Santa’s “nice” list.

44. Keep warm during the winter with this crocheted Chicago Bears hat.

Now this seems like a fashionable style for some people. Then again, for others, it looks as if it’s straight out from the 1970s.

45. Kick back and relax with these Kansas City Chiefs flowery flip flops.

Of course, these are for women since they haven’t put flowers on men’s clothing items since the 1970s. Still, quite summery for football season aren’t they?

46. Your Christmas tree always looks great with a Carolina Panthers snowman ornament.

Surprising that a snowman could be a fan of the Carolina Panthers. Because I’m sure that they don’t have many people building snowmen in the Carolinas during the winter, especially during the Christmas season. Hell, where I live doesn’t get a lot of snow that time of year either.

47. Watch the game with your very own Chicago Bears pillow couch.

Well, it looks like a loveseat since it appears quite small. Still, sometimes photographs can disguise the size.

48. Wrap your baby in their very own Cleveland Browns baby blanket.

Hate to say this, Cleveland, but brown doesn’t make a great team color. Take it from someone who knows. Also, calling your team “the Browns” isn’t much better either.

49. Bedazzle your guests with this jeweled Denver Broncos tumbler.

Not sure of how I feel about decorating drinking vessels with jewels. On one hand, I might like stuff like this. But on the other hand, it just seems so tacky for some reason.

50. Have your dog show support for your team with this New York Jets crocheted Mohawk doggie hat.

Of course, this gives New York Jets fans another opportunity to make their dogs look ridiculous. As if dogs need it already (they don’t). Besides, when it comes to sports fandom, let’s leave pets out of it.

51. You can’t be the ultimate fan without a Denver Broncos horse hat.

Now this is an interesting hat. But I’m sure it’s made for little kids. Nevertheless, it’ll make an interesting conversation piece either way.

52. Have a festive entry way with this Jacksonville Jaguars ribbon and print wreath.

Now this is another ribbon wreath but it also has prints containing footballs and animal prints. Of course, this wreath was uploaded by a user and is most likely not for sale.

53. Create a winter atmosphere with this Baltimore Ravens frosty glass block.

Now they have these for all the different teams. But I don’t have a lot of Baltimore Ravens stuff on here. However, I’m sure that this one would look better without the team logo.

54. Go to the game in style with this Atlanta Falcons dress.

Now this might be a slimmer fit as well as made by old materials. However, while it’s bright red color may help you stand out, it won’t be the case at a Falcons game.

55. Light up your house for game day with this Pittsburgh Steelers mosaic lamp.

This photo only shows the lamp’s base. But it’s basically all you need to see, for now.

56. Drink a toast during the game with this Tampa Bay Buccaneers Crown Royal glass.

Yes, it looks like a stained glass bottle used to store alcoholic drinks. But still, pirates love their rum. And besides, it’s hand painted.

57. Make your hair stunning with this Buffalo Bills headband.

Not be an exact logo but it’s certainly an A for effort. Also, this is probably one of the easier craft projects to do on this post.

58. Protect yourself from the cold with this Cincinnati Bengals crocheted Mohawk hat.

Yes, this might look kind of ridiculous on someone. But at least this hat was made for humans, not pets. Why people want to dress their pets, I have no idea.

59. Celebrate the Christmas season with your very own Pittsburgh Steelers reindeer.

Well, it may not have a red nose. But it does have Steeler antlers, a Terrible Towel scarf, and Steeler leg bands.

60. Give a big impression with an Arizona Cardinals stained glass sun catcher.

Now I’m sure this would be great to show support for your team as well as wreak rival fans with glare. And yes, that’s a big cardinal.

61. These Atlanta Falcons booties are great for tiniest fans.

Of course, any baby who wears this might not learn to appreciate the joys of their team until they’re older. Because I know these things are out there for pleasing the parents.

62. Drink to your health with this Tennessee Titans mason jar wine glass.

Of course, cleaning this might depend on the kind of dishwasher you have. But at least it has a lid to keep your wine from spilling if you’re not drinking it.

63. Show your teams pride with this Seattle Seahawks necklace pendant.

Now this is made from ribbons and put in the shape of a star. It’s also held by a chain, by the way.

64. Keep warm from the elements with this crocheted Saint Louis Rams cap.

And it has a horn just like you see in the Rams’s helmets. Made for a child, so I’m sorry if you older fans are disappointed.

65. Keep warm this season with this Seattle Seahawks square scarf.

Now this scarf is made with Seahawks and bright green squares, all sewn together. Not sure what it’ll look like on somebody though.

66. Deck your halls with this Miami Dolphins Christmas tree ornament.

Now this is a stuffed ornament with ribbons and cloth. Yet, at least it’s not a snowman because we all know that Miami doesn’t see a single snowflake all year round. Well, unless you count their dolphin mascot from Ace Ventura.

67. Style your hair with your very own Pittsburgh Steelers bow.

Yes, they have these. Oh, and yes, they do have one for every team. Of course, upon seeing this my Aunt Jane might consider getting one of these for my cousin Ava.

Yes, they have these. Oh, and yes, they do have one for every team. Of course, it’s cute and adorable in black an gold. And I picked the Steelers one since it shows up better.

68. Now this Washington Redskins quilt uses quite an elaborate design.

Now I really like the star pattern. However, we should all acknowledge that this won’t be accepted at a Native American casino. Of course, why the Redskins don’t change their name is beyond me.

69. Decorate your lawn with a very special Green Bay Packers flamingo.

Hate to say this, but I kind of expect to see an NFL themed flamingo to depicts teams like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jacksonville Jaguars, and the the Miami Dolphins. Yet, this a Green Bay Packers one, a team that resides in a place where there are no flamingos whatsoever.

70. Now you, too, can cuddle up with your very own Saint Louis ram.

Now this is so adorable that even a young Rams fan might appreciate it. However, it does look a bit angry if you look at its eyes.

71. Drink in style with a bejeweled Houston Texans wine glass.

If it’s not bejeweled tumblers, it’s bejeweled wine glasses. Seriously, do people not understand that such wine glasses are tacky not classy?

72. Have sweet dreams with your very own Pittsburgh Steelers dream catcher.

Remember a dream catcher is meant to protect people against experiencing nightmares. Or as Steeler fans see it, dreams involving a Super Bowl with the New England Patriots squaring off against the Dallas Cowboys. That or the Dallas Cowboys winning the Super Bowl.

73. Keep your neck warm from the cold with this San Francisco 49ers fringe scarf.

Hey, I got one of these as you see in my opening picture. Except that it’s black and gold and not too fancy.

74. Now you can hang up stuff on your very own Seattle Seahawks bulletin board.

Of course, they have these for all the teams as you may know. But I’m sure that some Seahawks fans don’t want to be reminded of what went down during the last Super Bowl.

75. Prepare your tailgate platter with this Green Bay Packers quilted table spread.

Actually this might be more appropriate for a buffet table which isn’t normally used for food. Well, if it’s beautifully furnished anyway. Well, why they call it a buffet table, I really don’t understand.

76. Keep the room smelling nice with these Denver Broncos scented candles.

Now as to what a Denver Broncos candle might smell like is the question. Hope it’s not of an actual Denver Bronco. Still, I’m sure the jars are hand painted, by the way.

77. Make your cat happy with these NFL themed catnip toys.

Well, at least they’re things a cat might actually like. These consist of the New England Patriots and the Green Bay Packers.

78. Of course, any woman is bound to enjoy these Baltimore Ravens earrings.

Yes, I’m sure plenty of women would like these. However, if my uncle from Maryland got these for my aunt, well, let’s just say it wouldn’t go well. Well, unless he got the Ravens logos replaced by the Steelers logos instead.

79. Celebrate the Christmas season with a New York Giants snowman door decoration.

Of course, you can tell that it’s a New York Giants snowman from its Santa cap. Also has a red scarf.

80. Grace your home with this Pittsburgh Steelers flower pot arrangement.

The flowers and foliage are fake. But I’m sure people would buy this anyway. Because I know that Steeler fans kind of have a reputation for being crazy.

The Interesting Life of NFL Merchandising

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 11, 2015

This isn’t a great picture. But with the possible exception of the NFL scarf and my glasses, most of my Steeler regalia is licensed under the NFL alongside the Terrible Towel. I received the shirt and earrings as Christmas presents. And I bought the Terrible Towel during my time as a student at Saint Vincent College (which hosts Steelers Training Camp since the 1960s). The football draft protector on top of that sailing picture is also licensed. which has been in my family for years.

As many of you might already know, sports do a lot of merchandising. And the NFL is now exception, especially since this is the time of year that most of their items are on sale. Nevertheless, most items that go on sale have to be licensed by the organization before going on the market. Oh, and the NFL also makes millions of dollars on this as well. Still, there are plenty of NFL licensed items out there. Doesn’t hurt, that the NFL will sell just about anything. And I mean anything. Yes, you have the conventional gear like jerseys, hats, bedspreads, sweaters, jackets, tailgating stuff, or what not. However, any Sunday paper will feature ads pertaining to commemorative NFL as well with most consisting of figurines (which I can do a whole post about). Now these might feature team regalia as well as some degree of sickening sentimentality that you might see in a Hallmark Channel feature presentation. Now such items featured make me scratch my head on whoever’s willing to buy such crap. However, there’s a lot of other crazy crap the NFL license as well which I intend to show you. Some of these products might be the result of creative marketing while others might make you scratch your head. Now despite spending all four years of high school and college in marching band, I’m not much of a sports fan and usually don’t watch many games. But I understand that sports play a huge role in the Pittsburgh area that it’s something I really can’t ignore not writing about in my blog. For instance, the city of Pittsburgh has at least one statue of Mario Lemieux and Roberto Clemente (though the latter is more understandable) but despite years of discussion, they don’t even have a single one of Gene Kelly (for the love of God, people, put one up already!). But while the sports mentality eludes me, there are some sports fans out there who seem to support their team in ways that would go above and beyond what a normal fan might do. And yes, the NFL has the kind of stuff for them, to. So for your viewing pleasure, here is a trove of NFL merchandise that are either creative as well as bizarre.

Grill burgers and hotdogs for tailgating with this Oakland Raiders drum smoker.

Now I understand that people grill during tailgating. But I’m not sure why anyone would take this heavy thing with them to the stadium. I mean a George Foreman grill would do just as good and is way easier to carry.

2. If you live in Wisconsin, brave the cold Midwest winters with this Green Bay Packers cheese scarf.

Now this is quite clever. After all, Packers are called Cheeseheads for a reason. It was only a matter of time before they’d come up with this.

3. Nothing makes a tailgate party a bash than a football condiment set.

Now this kind of clever as well. After all, everyone needs a place for toppings and condiments for their burgers and hot dogs. Still, I think one for all occasions would be better.

4. Go to the game in style with these Baltimore Ravens wedge heel shoes

Now NFL licensed tennis shoes and baby booties are one thing. However, if I went to a stadium game, I’d usually opt for athletic shoes. Not for these.

5. Of course, any drinking Dallas Cowboys fan would appreciate this decanter set.

I’m sure this set won’t be used for drinking beer. Those are shot glasses. Of course, this will probably be in uses for any Cowboys fan to drown in their sorrows when their team loses.

6. For the nurse in the Mile High City, support your team with these Denver Broncos scrubs.

That way, any nurse loving the Denver Broncos can show support for their team even during the weekends on call. I’m sure being in the hospital during game day is now picnic.

7. No man’s suit is complete without these Kansas City Chiefs cuff links.

Sure they may make a great gift for him. But when will a guy use these is the question. I don’t know about you but I’m no fan of sports imagery mixing with formal wear.

8. For those Peyton Manning fans out there, this might be the jersey for you.

If you like Peyton Manning but aren’t sure whether to wear his jersey from the Colts or the Broncos, this solves your problems. I mean why choose when you could have both?

9. Make your home office the ultimate man cave with this New York Jets office chair.

Not sure if sports imagery and office stuff go together. However, when it comes to buying office stuff for football fans, I’d just stick to office supplies.

10. Get your mail in fabulous football fashion with this Pittsburgh Steelers mailbox.

Now this is interesting. Clever how it has a helmet design. However, let’s hope this person lives in a safe neighborhood because I’m sure this mailbox is made from plastic. And let’s just say, plastic mailboxes don’t do well against vandalism. Believe me, I know.

11. Ladies, please your man with your very own set of Dallas Cowboys lingerie.

Now I don't get this. Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of women who love football. I can understand NFL themed underwear for either gender and all ages. But NFL themed lingerie is ridiculous.

Now I don’t get this. Yes, I’m sure there are plenty of women who love football. I can understand NFL themed underwear or pajamas for either gender and all ages. But NFL themed lingerie is ridiculous.

12. Wake up in the morning with toast from this Chicago Bears football toaster.

Yeah, having a NFL branded toast from a football toaster for breakfast. Seems more like an expensive novelty item that I don’t need.

13. Have a hard time keeping track of snacks? Then this Pittsburgh Steelers assorted snack helmet should make things easier.

I have to admit, this is quite clever. Now the potato chips can be on top while the other stuff is situated at the face mask.

14. Want to sparkle in the stands? Well, how about a Green Bay Packers sequins baseball cap?

Okay, I can totally understand the NFL selling baseball caps. But sequins baseball caps? I’m sure women will be perfectly fine buying the regular ones.

15. Cuddle up to watch the game with your very own Pittsburgh Steelers snuggie.

Now I’m sure the NFL sells team snuggies all the time. But this one is particularly noteworthy since it has a player from the neck down on it.

16. Nothing makes you a real football fan than a Dallas Cowboys blinged helmet.

I think this is from the same company that made the ridiculous pet jewelry. And like pet jewelry, it’s probably a very expensive thing nobody needs.

17. Step in style with these glittery Pittsburgh Steelers high heeled shoes.

Now I know there are many female Steeler fans out there. But Steeler high heels? Seriously, I might like high heels as much as the next girl. But I’d usually wear them for more formal occasions. Besides, high heels aren’t the most comfortable. Seriously, why?

18. Slip into bed with this Denver Broncos negligee.

Now lacy underwear is one thing. But sexy NFL sleepwear is a whole different matter. I’m sure there are plenty of women who love professional football. But how many of them are willing to buy an NFL negligee I have no idea.

19. Enjoy a romantic dinner with this Carolina Panthers high heel wine bottle holder.

Now I featured the high heel bottle holder in an earlier post as a bad Mother’s Day gift. Make it NFL themed and it achieves a whole new level of tackiness. Why the NFL sells these, I have no idea.

20. Nothing makes tailgating more fun than a San Francisco 49ers picnic basket.

It’s also said to be collapsible and insulated. So this is no ordinary picnic basket. But one with all the perks of a lunchbox and/or cooler.

21. Make your bachelorette party a splash with this Miami Dolphins bachelorette party veil.

Now I have no idea why any girl would want a NFL themed bachelorette party. And even so, I’m not sure who the hell would have a veil like this.

22. Celebrate the football season with this Green Bay Packers miniature tailgate set.

Don’t really see miniature gardeners as football fans. But what do I know? Still, they sell stuff like this at SkyMall, just so you know.

23. Drink a toast to your favorite team with this Miami Dolphins artisan wine glass.

I suppose these are more or less collector’s items and used more often for decoration. Not sure if anyone would use them for drinking.

24. Cool yourself off with this Pittsburgh Steelers helmet fan.

Now this is actually quite ingenious. Gives the concept, “ultimate NFL fan” a whole new meaning. Wonder how big it is.

25. Keep yourself warm with this New England Patriots luchador mask.

It’s said that amid of the Deflategate scandals, Tom Brady considered wearing one of these during his suspension. But it was later lifted by a federal judge in New York, on account that Brady was on his fantasy football team.

26. Kick back and watch the game with this Washington Redskins couch.

For some NFL fans, a team themed couch might be something they’d like to have, but will never get. Well, unless they’re married to someone who’s as much of a passionate football as them or very rich.

27. For babies, this New England Patriots blinky will surely show support for your team.

I have no qualms of the NFL selling pacifiers. But bling pacifiers? Seriously, why? A regular pacifier is cheap and does the job just as well. A bling pacifier is just so goddamned stupid.

28. Make yourself at home with this Green Bay Packers coffee table.

This will probably be a good addition to anyone's man cave or bachelor pad living room. Then again, if you want a team coffee table, you could just put team decals on it and take them off whenever you want. It's also much cheaper.

This will probably be a good addition to anyone’s man cave, bar room, or bachelor pad living room. Then again, if you want a team coffee table, you could just put team decals on it and take them off whenever you want. It’s also much cheaper.

29. Help keep the garden birds clean with this Indianapolis Colts bird bath.

Of course, knowing birds, I’m sure this would be covered in bird shit once it’s in use. Hope the fan doesn’t take it personally. But that’s what birds do.

30. Make some grilled cheese sandwiches and waffles with this New York Jets sandwich and waffle grill.

Now I suppose that whoever buys this would be willing to buy a generic kitchen item to show that they’re more of a fan than you. I mean nobody needs a NFL team logo on their grilled cheese sandwich.

31. Bring in the spirit of your team to your pizza party with a Jacksonville Jaguars edible helmet pizza print.

From Sporting News: “The perfect topping to make a football party even more football partier. Apply the helmet of this subpar team to any piping hot pizza and revel in its edibleness. Mediocrity tastes delicious.”

32. Celebrate the Christmas season with this Buffalo Bills Christmas tree topper.

From Sporting News: “What better way to bring endless cheer than this holiday reminder that your team is playing for a draft pick? Nothing says ‘the birth of Jesus’ quite like corporate propaganda.” I think I’d rather go with a generic Christmas angel and star, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want an NFL team logo topping my Christmas tree.

33. Show your team spirit in your closet with a set of New York Jets wooden hangers.

On NFL shop a set of 3 of these cost $12.95, which is overpriced. You can easily get a set of 5 for $6.99 at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but without the NFL logo. Actually you can get wooden hangers practically anywhere like pharmacies, hardware stores, as well as clothing and general living stores. So these aren’t worth it.

34. Make sure your tires are fully filled and sealed with these San Francisco 49ers valve stem covers.

NFL promotions aside, this begs the question. I mean who in the hell would ever buy valve stem covers? Are they even necessary? Most cars probably don’t have all 4 and their tires are most likely doing just fine.

35. Bugs bothering you? Then take care of business with these Dallas Cowboys fly swatters.

Seems like everything is bigger in Texas, even the fruit flies. Besides, fly swatters are kind of obsolete anyway. Better used by people who want to keep Tony Romo away from the chips and dip at a dinner party.

36. Clean yourself in the shower with this Chicago Bears Loofa.

For just $7.49, you can clean your entire body with Chicago pride using this loofa with an embroidered, cartoonish bear that looks like he’s having a bit too much fun. Seriously, Bears fans, is cleaning your body with a cartoonish bear going to make you a better football fan? I don’t want to know.

37. Spend some time with your buddies during commercial break by playing cribbage with this Minnesota Vikings cribbage board.

From Sporting News: “There may be no greater reminder that the NFL will license anything than a board game that hasn’t been popular since the 1980s.” Besides, I’ve only heard about this game on M*A*S*H, and only as a reason why Major Winchester got kicked out of Tokyo General and transferred to the M*A*S*H 4077th. But still, does anyone play that game anymore? I doubt it.

38. Like football? Then I’m sure children will find delight in this New England Patriots boxing hand puppet.

Yes, this might be a fun to for WWII era children. But they’re all either senior citizens or dead by now. Would love to use this against Tom Brady.

39. Support your team while running a busy restaurant kitchen with this Tampa Bay Buccaneers premium chef coat.

From Sporting News: “This 100 percent cotton coat is perfect for any tailgate chef looking to take their game to the next level. Nobody would doubt your grilling skills if they see you flipping burgers in this 12-button, French-cut with a thermometer pocket on the sleeve. While you won’t doubt your culinary expertise, your friends may wonder why you attend tailgates dressed like Bobby Flay.”

40. Show your team spirit in your steak with this Cincinnati Bengals meat branding iron.

Sorry, but branding your steak doesn’t make it taste better. In fact, branding your steak isn’t really necessary. And no, I don’t think such an implement will make even the most distinguished grillmeister a better fan.

41. Travel around the golf course in this Seattle Seahawks golf cart.

Now I know the NFL sells a lot of golf stuff. But I think this golf cart is ridiculous. Seriously, I’m sure only rich golf fans could even buy this.

42. Aim for comfort with this Pittsburgh Steelers bra and underwear set.

Sure an NFL team themed bra and underwear set might be quite weird if you get my drift. However, I take more an affront with the words, “I’ll be your half-time show” more than anything. Of course, can you expect the NFL to be nice to women? No.

43. Style up your hair with an Atlanta Falcons hair extensions.

Yeah, I’m sure want to support my team by wearing NFL licensed hair extensions. Sure it might look cool on some women but utterly ridiculous on others.

44. Go to the game in style with this Dallas Cowboy sparkly baseball hat with leopard prints.

Now an NFL licensed baseball hat is one thing. But one with a sparkly logo and leopard prints? That’s just insane. Seriously, that’s the tackiest baseball hat I’ve ever seen.

45. On cold days, show friends you’re crazy for your team with this Philadelphia Eagles soup bowl.

It’s even shaped like a helmet for added emphasis, too. Besides, you don’t have to use it for soup. You can put all kinds of things in there like like candy, almonds, or even prescription drugs!

46. Have an NFL team you particularly dislike? Then wipe your but with some Dallas Cowboys toilet paper.

I chose the Dallas Cowboy in this case because my dad hates them more than any other team in the league. However, the New England Patriots aren’t far behind. Neither are the Baltimore Ravens or the Cleveland Browns.

47. Look like a badass with this New York Giants fighter pilot helmet.

From Bleacher Report: “You don’t need to be in a plane to enjoy this pilot helmet! Wear it to the grocery store, in bed, or even to work! Don’t worry if people are looking at you funny — they’re just jealous!” Actually unless you’re in a plane, wearing a fighter pilot helmet will make you look like an idiot.

48. Give your hotdogs the big league treatment with this Dallas Cowboys hotdog branding iron.

Is branding your hotdogs really necessary? Seriously, as long as they’re grilled, who the hell would give a shit if they have your favorite team on them? Besides, I really don’t want to eat a hotdog that supports the Dallas Cowboys anyway.

49. Support your team on the open range with a pair of these Miami Dolphins cowboy boots.

Now I’d understand the Dallas Cowboys having these for obvious reasons. But there are NFL licensed cowboy boots for practically every single team. And I’m not sure if having cowboy boots is appropriate for the Miami Dolphins.

50. Get ready for your tailgating party with this Arizona Cardinals crock pot.

Now I can understand why you’d use a crock pot for tailgating (even though I’m not sure about how they’d get the electricity). However, what I don’t get is why anyone would need one with an NFL logo when just a normal one would do.

51. Of course, this T-shirt designer obviously thinks: “If Marilyn Monroe were alive today, she’d be a Dallas Cowboys fan.”

Okay, now it’s one thing to have a sexy woman on a T-shirt wearing a Tony Romo Jersey. But a tattooed Marilyn Monroe? Seriously, Dallas, how can you possibly think that Marilyn would ever support your team? I mean she was born in California and was married to a New York Yankee and a New York playwright. So I don’t think she’d be a Dallas Cowboys fan.

52. Now you can stage your on fantasy football tournament with your friends by winning this NFL Fantasy Football trophy.

I may not get fantasy football or have any interest in it. But I really do like this trophy since I find it so amusingly appropriate. Yeah, the happy guy standing out of his armchair with his laptop is priceless.

53. Have your daughter look like a princess with her very own Houston Texans princess tiara and wand.

Yeah, I really think that a little girl would want a tiara and wand with her favorite NFL football team. Seriously, even little girls know that Disney is a way better place for princess gear than the NFL.

54. Get fired up this summer with this San Diego Chargers swimsuit.

Well, I have to admit at least the top is compatible with my bra size. Still, despite the lightning bolts on her outfit, she doesn’t come across as “electrifying” to me.

55. For your wedding, nothing goes better on a bride than a Denver Broncos garter.

Well, at least it's something blue. But still, a Denver Broncos garter? Seriously, why?

Well, at least it’s something blue. But still, a Denver Broncos garter? I really want to know why anyone would consider such item as appropriate for a wedding.

56. Nothing shows your love of football more than a bedazzled pigskin.

Now there are things that should and can be bedazzled. And there are things that shouldn’t be bedazzled. A football would generally fall into the latter.

57. Be the ballerina princess of the gridiron with this Washington Redskins tutu set.

Now these NFL tutus tend to be catered to young girls which is fine by me. However, they also sell these to women which makes them look like idiots.

58. Keep your hands warm with these Seattle Seahawks pom pom gloves.

Now I wonder how people can actually eat with those on or possibly do other things. Because I think I see the pom poms getting in the way.

59. Clean yourself up with your very own Saint Louis Rams shower curtain.

Now I’m sure there are plenty who’d dream of having an NFL shower curtain. However, I’m positive that few actually do, especially if your team’s colors doesn’t go well with the room.

60. Kick back, relax, and watch the game with your very own New Orleans Saints recliner.

Of course, there are some people who might want their team logo on an easy chair. But this doesn’t mean they should be in a living room. More like someone’s entertainment center or man cave.

61. Snuggle up with your very own Eli Manning plushie.

Yes, this is a plushie of the New York Giants quarterback as well as 2 time Super Bowl MVP. However, before Peyton should get this to taunt his brother, he should know that they have one of him, too. Oh, and they also have Tony Romo, Jay Cutler, Larry Fitzgerald, Ben Roethlisberger, Troy Polamalu, and Michael Vick.

62. Support your team and have your nails shimmer with a set of Tennessee Titans nail decals.

Also, kind of funny how Cover Girl has a feature on NFL nail designs. As if I really give a shit about what my nails look like when watching a football game (not).

63. Keep your beverages fresh with your very own Kansas City Chiefs refrigerator.

Has their own taps. For what, I really don’t want to find out. However, I think a getting a NFL themed fridge is kind of ridiculous if you get my drift.

64. Be the ultimate fan and grace your bathroom with a Kansas City Chiefs toilet.

Seriously, why show your love for your team by buying something that usually goes with the house? I mean the only reason why anyone would buy a new toilet is if suddenly bursts into a bunch of bits. I mean why?

65. Fit into your dress with this Denver Broncos orange satin corset.

Okay, NFL lingerie is one thing. But an NFL themed corset? Please. I mean most women don’t wear corsets anymore for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

66. Cozy up while watching the game with your very own Washington Redskins moccasins.

I know that the NFL issues moccasins for every team. But a Washington Redskins themed moccasins is the kind that offends Native Americans. I mean for the love of God, Redskins, can you just change your freaking name?

67. Customize your game room with a Cleveland Browns pool table.

On second thought, don’t because brown and orange are terrible colors for decor anyway. Besides, I think showing your love for your team with a pool table is a bit much.

68. Fire up the grill with these Detroit Lions grill tools.

Now I know people grill stuff for football games. But feeling that you need to buy NFL themed grill tools is just so absurd. A normal set of grill tools from Wal Mart would do just as good.

69. Store your beer for tailgating with this Buffalo Bills football cooler.

Now this is quite a clever contraption. However, I wonder how big it is and whether it would fit in a sedan trunk. Also, can be dragged by wheels.

70. Show your support for your team by painting your nails with your very own Pittsburgh Steelers nail polish.

Now NFL themed nail polish. Do you think women will find it necessary to paint their nails the team colors? I think not.

71. Celebrate Christmas with this New England Patriots Christmas stocking.

Probably wouldn’t want to look in there. Might contain stuff like spy cams, deflaters, and radio headsets with really bad reception.

72. Light up your pool table with a Saint Louis Rams box-style billiard light.

With a lamp like this at your pool table, you can now really make your man cave look like a bar. Of course, it might even become one if you keep your alcohol there.

73. Fire up and flip your burgers with a Philadelphia Eagles grill.

Now grill tools and meat branders are one thing. But a NFL themed grill? That’s insane. Seriously, why?

74. Enjoy the big game with your Denver Broncos bling baseball cap.

Will certainly cost a lot more than a regular NFL licensed baseball cap. So I wouldn’t consider it a worthy investment. It’s a waste.

75. Decorate your garden for game day with a Green Bay Packers garden stepping stone.

Well, that seems like an interesting idea. Of course, it might not look as nice when the elements take over, especially the bird poop. Or the dog poop.

76. Make your alcoholic beverages look festive with this Indianapolis Colts bottle charms.

I have no idea why people would consider decorating their alcoholic beverage bottles. Such charms seem like useless decorations for me. Seriously, why?

77. Kick back and enjoy the game in a Minnesota Vikings helmet chair.

In some ways, it looks like something only a really crazy fan may buy. But on the other hand, it looks somewhat ingenious. I can’t decide. But it’s probably not cheap so it’s not what I’d buy anyway.

78. Snack on some cheese and crackers with your very own Carolina Panthers cheese cutting board set.

And the cutting board is depicted like a football field. I wonder if this might carry some unfortunate implications like cutting the cheese at the 40 yard line.

79. Enjoy bath time with this Cincinnati Bengals rubber duckie.

Looking at this rubber duckie, I’m wondering why Ernie didn’t get a Jets or Giants one. Oh, wait, I’m sure Ernie isn’t much of a football fan.

80. Cuddle up at the big game with a Pittsburgh Steelers Steely McBeam pillow pet.

Yes, they make them for all teams. However, Steely McBeam isn’t well loved by Steelers fans since he’s terrifying as hell. So let me say just kill it, kill it with fire.

NFL Fans Dressed and Ready for Game Day

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 7, 2015

This is me in my Steeler gear since I live within the Pittsburgh Metropolitan area. Now I may not be a big sports fan like my dad. But since I have a Terrible Towel, a Steeler T-Shirt, Steeler earrings, and a Steeler scarf, I thought I might as well use them for this post. Besides, this is kind of tame compared to the fans you’ll see in this.

As many of you avid sports fans may know, this Thursday is the start of NFL Football season which is opening that night in a game between this year’s Super Bowl champions the New England Patriots against my home team the Pittsburgh Steelers. Of course, we know that Tom Brady will be starting since he acted like a big baby and challenged his 4 game suspension in court over the deflated football scandal, but that’s beside the point. Now while my dad may be an avid Steeler fan as well as looks forward to watching the games week after week, he’d rather do so in the comfort of his own home on TV. At least there he can go to the bathroom during commercial break, not have to pay for food or admission, and sit in a place most comfortable to him. However, there are plenty of football fans who tend to go a bit further than my dad. Some of these might be wanting to see their team at Steeler Training Camp or going to the games themselves. And then there are people who have to go to the games all dressed up for the occasion in their full regalia. Some of these fans have very creative ways to show their love for their favorite team. Some of them even become known characters with their own blurb on the news as such. So for your reading pleasure to you NFL fans out there, I give you an assortment of pro football fans out there dressed up to show their support for their teams.

I swear to you that this Oakland Raiders fan is a little on the Dark Side of the Force.

And Darth Vader is all decked in his spiked shoulder pads and bracelets to show it. Play well, Raiders, or else he might Force choke you. And you don’t want that.

2. Now this woman can’t leave home for the game without her Cleveland Browns hat.

Now I have to admit, she has quite a creative fashion sense as the Bone Lady. However, I’m sure dressing like that isn’t going to help her team. And I know that the Browns aren’t known for their winning streaks in the AFC North.

3. When it comes to withstanding the cold, Packers fans are the most resilient around.

Now these guys must have been outside for hours. Then again, the icicles are only part of the costume. Or so it seems.

4. Now this luchador is ready to fight for his beloved Houston Texans.

Of course, I hope that guy is a Mexican because his costume is a bit stereotypical. Also, I’m sure luchadores don’t use knives in the ring, let alone long badass ones.

5. Sometimes a Colts fan needs to show up to the game all covered in his bling.

Now if all that doesn’t make him a Super Fan, then I don’t know what does. Still, I’m sure he has a tendency to put all his fellow Indianapolis Colts fans to shame.

6. When it comes to the Alien vs. Predator ordeal, I’m fairly confident that Predator is an avid Seattle Seahawks fan.

Now I’d really hate to see how this guy’s taking it after seeing the Seahawks losing to the Patriots at the Super Bowl. Let’s just say he was especially not pleased with his team losing to a bunch of cheaters known to deflate their footballs.

7. While Darth Vader may like the Raiders, Boba Fett seems to prefer the Saints.

Of course, he might be so disappointed that he didn’t have a role to play in Bountygate. If he did, then the other teams players would probably be frozen in carbonite by now.

8. Now when it comes to the big game, Kansas City Chiefs fans certainly know how to dress.

Cultural appropriation aside, I have to admit the Arrowhead is quite clever. However, I’m not sure what creature the other guy is supposed to be. Seems like a combination between a man, a ferocious dog, and a bear.

9. When it comes to supporting the Denver Broncos, it all depends on the kind of head you wear.

I don’t know about you, but I find the idea of wearing a horse’s head to a game as both creepy and strangely amusing at the same time. I’m not sure what other people might think of it though.

10. Of course, a true Oakland Raiders fan can’t leave home without his skulls.

And it seems that this guy has a lot of them. Of course, I wonder the ones on his belt add to any discomfort if he feels like sitting down.

11. Even the Voo Doo monsters turn out to support the New Orleans Saints.

Of course, I think this guy might frighten kid. But, seeing his beloved Saints helps get him out of the swamp now and then. Besides, he’s actually quite friendly when you get to know him.

12. These two sisters traveled all the way from Whoville to show their support for their beloved Green Bay Packers.

Now I’m sure those women probably drove to the game in a convertible. Because I can’t think of a car that would accommodate these crazy Dr. Seuss inspired hairdos. Then again, they could just be wigs for all we know.

13. This Seattle Seahawks fan has his ungodly horns signed by all his favorite players.

Yes, he may be an evil blue monster with green horns. But when the Seahawks are in town, he still feels the need to turn up to show his support.

14. You might not know it, but I hear that the Twin Cities have their ComicCon around this time of year.

Yes, this guy is dressed in his custom made Superman outfit. And yes, he’s wearing it to support his beloved Minnesota Vikings. Not sure about the goofy wig though.

15. Aside from intergalactic bounty hunters and Voo Doo monsters, plenty of Voo Doo witches and witch doctors also support the New Orleans Saints as well.

And it seems that she has found the perfect skull headdress with feather to match her leopard print dress. Still, she should consider dressing like that for Halloween as well.

16. Nothing shows your love for the Green Bay Packers than wearing helmets carved out of pumpkins.

Yes, they look ridiculous. And yes, it might smell in there. Oh, and yes, it might block the view of those behind them. But still, they at least showe their unique spirit for their team.

17. Even cyborgs have to turn up to support their beloved Oakland Raiders.

Yes, he might be a fearsome cyborg employed by some maniacal supervillain. But even he needs a break so he can go to see the Oakland Raiders once in a while.

18. Of course, there are some Denver Broncos fans that lean to the Dark Side of the Force.

Better play well, Peyton Manning. Or else this orange Darth Vader will force choke you like you wouldn’t believe. And let me tell you, you don’t want that Peyton. You really don’t.

19. Of course, you always need a few holy men to turn out to support the New Orleans Saints.

Now I’m sure these aren’t bishops or ordained clergy. But at a game like this, they’ll do. Not sure if the Saints are a worthy enough team to bless after Bountygate though. But that’s just me.

20. Of course, you can’t show your love for the Saint Louis Rams without wearing a hat of watermelon.

How the guy managed to clear the watermelon pulp without cutting it open, I have no idea. Then again, he always seems to hold on to it somehow.

21. This old lady always has to look her best when she goes to see the Seahawks.

Yes, this granny has to wear her blue wig with green, her feather boas, and her sparkly frames. And now she’s ready for showtime.

22. Sometimes it’s a hard life being a Green Bay Packers fan.

Yes, he might be dressed like a pimp in his Green Bay Packers regalia. However, at least he’s dressed for the weather because it’s snowing in this picture.

23. Seems like these two south of the border fans managed to get their favorite Packers to sign their queso.

I know these two aren’t Mexicans. But they’re certainly dressed like them. Might be kind of offensive but what do you know? They’re probably from Wisconsin and might’ve not seen a single Mexican in their lives.

24. This Colts fan always knows how to dress for the occasion.

Yes, he’s sitting in the stands trying to act so chill in his goofy hat and sunglasses. Still, you have to give it to him that he really loves his team.

25. Straight from Seattle brings you the one and only Hawk Daddy and his sidekick Mini Hawk.

Yes, this guy is dressed as a pimp and so is his doll. However, it’s such a ridiculous fan costume that I couldn’t resist not putting it on here.

26. Raise up the Jolly Roger because Dead Pirate Roberts is here for his Oakland Raiders.

Yes, zombie pirates may be the bad guys in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. But even they have to reserve their fall weekends to they can watch their beloved Oakland Raiders.

27. When it comes to the Washington Redskins, it’s always the fans who have to show up in style.

Okay, these may be dressed as raiders. But despite being fans of a team with a bad name, I kind of like their costumes.

28. Now this Imperial Storm Trooper showed his love for the Pittsburgh Steelers by coming with his T-Shirt gun.

Of course, it’s very unlikely he’ll even hit anything with it. Still, he certainly feels the Pittsburgh steel since he has his Terrible Towel with him.

29. Nothing shows your support for the San Diego Chargers than showing up to the game in your brightly colored mohawk wigs.

Yes, I’m sure it wouldn’t be normal to see blue and pink mohawk on three generations. But these people sure do their best to support their team.

30. Let me guess, these guys must be with the Minnesota Vikings.

Because the fact they’re in purple suits with horned hats and yellow shirts kind of indicated that to me. Still, I’d watch it with those hats. Don’t want to poke anyone’s eye out.

31. Now these women must dress in their best finery before attending an Oakland Raiders game.

Of course, these ladies certainly dress to impress. And yes, showing their support for the Raiders means wearing their fanciest clothes like they would at a European carnival.

32. As evil as this dark undead warrior may be, chances are he wouldn’t miss an Oakland Raiders game for the world.

Yes, all decked out in his chains and armor, this skeleton warrior wants nothing more than to show support for his team and enjoy the game. Seems like a lot of Raiders fans have some outlandish costumes for some reason.

33. Of course, to be a super fan of the Cincinnati Bengals, you must dress like a super fan.

And it seems these guys seemed to go as Superman and The Thing. Of course, the guy on the right could be just any superhero but his costume doesn’t compare with the other guy’s.

34. When it comes to the Cleveland Browns, even Cerberus has to leave the Underworld to see them.

Always imagined Cerberus being way bigger than that. Then again, it’s certainly a fan in a ridiculous costume. And he’s crossing bones, too.

35. Of course, nothing shows your love for the New York Jets more than wearing a jet on your head.

Then again, it’s a rather appropriate costume because they are called the Jets. But it still looks too ridiculous to ignore just the same.

36. This Cincinnati Bengals fan always has his beard prepared for the occasion.

Now this guy certainly has amazing facial hair. But his wild beard in stripes? That’s something I can’t ignore for this post.

37. Hey, I didn’t know that Captain America was a Cleveland Browns fan.

Always thought the Captain would be a fan of the New York Jets or Giants. I mean he’s from New York. Then again, he might’ve had Cleveland roots for all we know.

38. While some neighborhoods have a crazy cat lady, only the Carolina Panthers have Catman as their fan.

Now this antlered cat is utterly hideous and terrifying. But I have to admit this guy certainly has a very warped sense of humor.

39. Nothing shows your love for the Dallas Cowboys than wearing an oversized helmet to the game.

Of course, I hope the big helmet doesn’t get in the way of the view for those behind him. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s guaranteed to prevent concussions either.

40. Now this guy is so pimped up to cheer for his Arizona Cardinals.

Yes, he’s a white guy in a pimp costume. Yes, I know it might be offensive. But it’s utterly ridiculous that I couldn’t ignore it. And I’m sure this guy’s fairly pumped.

41. Those in Indianapolis, say hello to Mr. Blue.

And yes, Mr. Blue seems to live up to his name. But all he cares about is being there to support his boys in blue, the Indianapolis Colts.

42. Hey, look, it’s Beetlejuice and he’s an Oakland Raiders fan.

Of course, knowing that he was played by Pittsburgh native Michael Keaton, I’d expect him to be a Steelers fan. Oh, well, to each his own.

43. Of course, the guy from Halo and Optimus Prime might be from different franchises. But one franchise they can agree on is the New Orleans Saints.

And the two seem to have the regalia to show it. Of course, Optimus had to really do more work than the Halo guy for obvious reasons.

44. Remember that whenever you’re in Chicago during Bears season, you always have to Beware the Bear.

Now that’s quite a costume this guy has on. One one hand, it’s very ridiculous. But on the other hand, it’s just so awesome to know the difference.

45. Of course, this butterfly beauty always spreads her wings for her Atlanta Falcons.

And boy, does she have fancy wings, indeed. Of course, they may not have as many feathers. But they’ll do just the same.

46. Of course, Oakland Raiders games aren’t the same without the Gorilla.

Now I’ve posted pictures of a lot of Raiders fans on here so far. But I couldn’t miss this guy since he’s known to be a character among Oakland Raiders fans.

47. When it comes to NFL teams, this Greek Hopilite always sides with the Dallas Cowboys.

Of course, whether he’s a Trojan or a Spartan warrior I don’t have the slightest idea. I mean it’s all Greek to me as they say.

48. Now these New England Patriots super fans are so utterly pumped to see their team.

So much so that they decided to wear their underwear over their pants in true superhero fashion. And their favorite player seems to be none other than Tom Brady, you know, the guy who thinks he shouldn’t be suspended for 4 games for deflated balls. I mean deflated footballs.

49. Now this guy is such a super Denver Broncos fan that he shows up with games in not even the shirt on his back.

Now this is pretty disturbing. I really don’t want to know what he has under there, thank you very much. Still, couldn’t ignore this one.

50. Of course, it’s never a Washington Redskins game unless you have the Hogettes.

For the record, these are guys in women’s clothes with pig snouts on them. But I’m sure their antics might not go so well with Miss Piggy. Yeah, real nice, boys. I mean, girls. Oh, well.

51. On Steelers game day, it’s always customary to kneel down and receive a blessing from the Pitt Pope.

Well, I know that's not the Pope and I'm sure he's not even a priest. But still, he's a notable character among Steelers fans. And I couldn't do an NFL post without him.

Well, I know that’s not the Pope and I’m sure he’s not even a priest. But still, he’s a notable character among Steelers fans. Besides I couldn’t do an NFL fan post without including him. And I say that as someone from the Pittsburgh area as well as a Catholic. Because I wouldn’t hear the end of it from my parents.

52. Even in the winter cold, it always seems that Minnesota Vikings fans tend to stick together.

Now a KISS Vikings fan and a guy dressed as a Viking. Wonder how they thought of that. But at least one of them will certainly be warm.

53. What’s better than the Terrible Towel? Well, being dressed as one, of course.

Don’t ask me about the Terrible Towel and how that came to be. It’s a Pittsburgh Steeler thing that was started by their onetime broadcaster Myron Cope. That’s all I know.

54. Could it be? Why, it’s Seahawks Elvis!

Now this Elvis won’t leave the building until the game is over. And yes, he kind of seems like he’s from the Green Lantern universe or something like that.

55. Now this Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan really knows how to turn up the heat.

Of course, it should be obvious since his hair is practically on fire. Or so it seems. Still, the doll heads on his shoulders are creepy.

56. Sometimes football fans can be the biggest babies.

But this Broncos fan seems to take it a bit more literally than others. Yeah, I’m sure the bonnet and pacifier is going to make you look real cute (sarcasm).

57. Of course, there are some New Orleans Saints fans just there to clown around.

Now this guy is dressed as an actual circus clown. Yes, he might be creepy as hell, but he’s probably harmless and maybe even friendly. Of course, there are clowns who aren’t so friendly and more of a joke like Bobby Jindal.

58. Nothing shows your support more for the Atlanta Falcons than wearing a bucket hat with feathers.

Now does that guy look ridiculous or what? However, compared to some the fans you see here, he might pass for normal.

59. Of course, a woman doesn’t prove herself a true Green Bay Packers fan, unless she wears a bra to the game that matches her cheese hat.

I think they’re supposed to be “Claymates” or whatever that is. I’m not sure. I don’t really follow the Packers much anyway to know anything about their fan culture.

60. Hey, I had no idea that the Burger King was a Buffalo Bills fan.

Still, I can’t really say that the Buffalo Bills are a great team because that would be telling a whopper. Nevertheless, yeah, the Burger King is pretty creepy all right. But he seems to have so much fun.

61. Of course, some people go to the games just to hang out as friends.

I don’t know about you. But if I was at a Miami Dolphins game, I’d stay the hell away from these two scary clowns. Because to be honest, they’re terrifying the hell out of me.

62. Nothing shows your support for the New England Patriots than wearing a large conical hat with their logo on it.

Yeah, I know the hat’s a bit absurd. But at least this guy isn’t wearing a Tom Brady jersey. Of course, he might bump into a door way on his way out.

63. While painting yourself for the game isn’t unknown, some fans tend to take it to ridiculous levels.

Now this Dallas Cowboys fan seems to make the men from Blue Man Group seem a little pale in comparison. Of course, to make myself clear, the Dallas Cowboys aren’t “America’s Football Team.” Never were in the least.

64. Of course, you can’t have a Green Bay Packers game without the cheese pimp.

Sure the pimp costume might cause offense. But the guy looks so good with the green and yellow coat and cheese hat that I couldn’t resist.

65. Of course, you can’t be a true Baltimore Ravens fan without ruffling a few feathers.

And it seems that these people really seem to give it to the birds. Of course, they look utterly ridiculous in their outlandish outfits, but still.

66. Show your dedication to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers by wearing a pirate ship on your head.

Yeah, that’s a pirate ship all right. And it’s on that guy’s head. Not sure how it remains in good condition though. Then again, this might be the only time he wears it.

67. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you Hellraiser.

While Hellraiser may look like a slasher horror movie villain, he’s actually an Oakland Raiders fan. And he just dresses that way to support his team. He’s really nothing to worry about.

68. Of course, sometimes painting yourself in your team’s colors works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

And let’s just say, it’s certainly not working with this Chicago Bears fan. Yeah, he kind of looks ridiculous. But when it comes to NFL fans, it’s the thought that counts.

69. Now this guy can’t enjoy football season without sporting his Indianapolis Colts horseshoe beard.

Now that’s a creative way for a guy to support your team. Of course, how to explain that at work, I have no idea.

70. Now this Pittsburgh Steeler fan is ready to rock n’ roll all night.

Now I’m sure this person is a big fan of KISS as well from the outfit and makeup. Also seems to prefer a lot of bling as well from what I can recall.

71. Nothing shows your love for the Jacksonville Jaguars than painting yourself with spots.

While there are plenty of crazy Raiders fans, I don’t see a lot of crazy Jaguars fans on the Internet for some reason. And the Raiders and Jaguars pretty much have similar game stats. But he seems to stick out like a sore thumb.

72. Of course, this super Miami Dolphins fan is dressed up and ready to rumble.

Now this looks interesting. Must be some Miami based cape crusader. And I’m sure he’s wearing the mask to avoid embarrassing his family.

73. The Philadelphia Eagles has always been a team of birdmen, by birdmen, and for birdmen.

And yes, that guy’s wearing an eagle head for the game. And yes, despite the gestures, he doesn’t seem to carry on facial expressions too well.

74. Now this Cleveland Browns fan must be a real bonehead. Literally.

Now this guy seems to have a lot of bones on him for some reason. And what’s in his mouth? I really don’t want to know.

75. Of course, this skeleton monster always has to have fringe whenever he goes to see the Seahawks.

Well, he’s certainly dressed for the occasion if he wants to stick out. Still, not sure about the skulls and green grass on his shoulder pads but to each his own.

76. The Dark Side seems to be strong on this one.

Yes, this is another fan dressed as Darth Vader but from the Miami Dolphins. Of course, he’s also known as “Dolph Vader” with no pun intended.

77. Nothing shows your support for the Saint Louis Rams than bedazzling your horns.

I don’t know what’s more disturbing. The ram horns or the fact she has a mustache as well as “Mom” on her chest. Also, the stars on her face don’t help either.

78. Of course, some fans may prefer to dress like hopilites to express the true warrior spirit.

Hate to let down the Colts fan. But as wretched the Dallas Cowboys, I think the Dallas Cowboys hopilite wore it better. Sad to say.

79. Man, Cleveland Browns fans must really have a bunch of mad dogs around.

Now this dog must look like he’s high on something. And I don’t mean life. Perhaps he’s on something to drown his sorrows whenever the Cleveland Browns lose. Of course, that’s pretty frequent.

80. Now I couldn’t do a post about sports fans without including Washington Redskins fan Chief Zee.

Yes, I know the outfit won’t go well with Native Americans. But if I didn’t include him, I’m sure Redskins fans won’t let me hear the end of it. So there.

81. Nothing shows your support for the Cincinnati Bengals more than wearing a tiger striped coat and hat.

Yes, I know I’ve shown a few pimp costumes on here. But this guy seems rather chill and appears to have arrived early.

82. Now this Seattle Seahawks fan is incredibly hulked up for the game.

And I’m not saying this because he’s entirely green with unrealistically bulging muscles. Oh, wait. Yes, I am. Really would hate to see him if they lose.

83. Of course, even slasher horror movie villains can be cheeseheads.

Of course, I’m not sure if I’d want to be in the same stadium with him. But still, I hope he doesn’t take out his frustrations by killing somebody if his team loses.

84. Bald but don’t have a helmet? No problem.

I don’t know about you, but I think these San Francisco 49ers fans face paint jobs are kind of unsettling. Just so you know, I’m really not used to the helmet look without the helmet.

85. Of course, you can’t show your support for the Carolina Panthers without make up and a goofy blue wig to go with it.

Man, that guy looks real ridiculous with that on. Even wearing sunglasses doesn’t detract from it. Yeah, clown wigs really don’t make you look cool under any circumstance.

86. Now this Kansas City Chiefs fan is there to honor the team of his tribe.

Look, I admire this guy’s team spirit but I’m not sure that dressing up in Indian attire is a good way to show love for his team. Now I know naming your team the Chiefs isn’t as bad as the Redskins, but still. Kind of racist and offensive. Love to see this guy wear that in an Indian casino.

87. Hmm….kind of surprised that Boba Fett is a fan of the Buffalo Bills. Doesn’t really strike me as one.

And he seems really pumped up for the big game. Of course, as a Bills fan, he must expect a great degree of disappointment. I mean the Bills aren’t known for winning games.

88. Of course, this guy is such a diehard Baltimore Ravens fan that he shows up to game day in style.

Yes, that’s another pimp costume. However, for some reason he kind of reminds me of the Joker. I don’t know why. Must be the purple coat and hat.

89. When you’re a New Orleans Saints fan, sometimes it pays to enter like a Roman centurion.

Yes, the hat is badass and so is the shield. Not sure about the makeup and the leather attire though. But it’s all coordinated with the fleur de lys.

90. If the Tampa Bay Buccaneers don’t win this time, then this zombie pirate will make sure they walk the plank.

Now this guy’s kind of terrifying. Still, he seems to be reveling in the game as I see from his hands. Then again, I hope he doesn’t frighten the kiddies.

91. Now I give you an example of a true Atlanta Falcons fan.

And it seems that his beak very closely resembles a football for some reason. Nevertheless, this is a clever fan costume. Wonder if he’s a known character around Atlanta.

92. Some people blow whistles. Others just wear giant ones on their head.

I think this New Orleans Saints fan might be well known in his locale. Of course, I’d like to know what he’s shouting from the top of his lungs.

93. I heard that Tennessee Titans fans are among the most resilient football fans in the country.

Because I have no idea why this guy is still cheering despite having a sword in his head. Yeah, that helmet was very ineffective.

94. Marvel at these beautiful Minnesota Vikings fans in their purple hair.

And it seems that a couple of them are wearing horns for the occasion. Hope they watch where they shake their heads.

95. As I’ve heard, it’s said that venison sausage and cheese go very well together.

Okay, now I understand these are Green Bay Packers fans. But I have to admit that their dress is pretty disgusting. Seriously, is that supposed to be blood? Gross. Also, I hope that’s not real sausage.

96. This guy has accomplished honoring his two loves: the Carolina Panthers and Tom Hanks movies.

And it seems like he’s going with the movie Castaway. Yeah, I’m not sure about that either. Of course, having the volleyball named Wilson on his head is quite clever.

97. Let’s not mind these New York Giants fans with their coconut bras.

Now I’m sure they’re wearing those to cover their man boobs. But I’m not positive. Still, the blue paint doesn’t seem to do any favors.

98. Now this Detroit Lions fan really knows how to get things going.

I wonder what his hat supposed to resemble. Is it some complex electric fan or an internal combustion engine?

99. Now the Houston Texans better be ready for game day. Or else they’ll have to deal with this guy.

Of course, he’s just a Houston Texans fan with a rather scary mask and wig. Still, some NFL fans can get quite a bit out of hand at times.

100. Of course, this Pittsburgh Steeler fan is going all out.

Yes, Steeler fans may be kind of crazy. An I’m not sure how this guy manages to see anything. But I’m sure fans from other teams aren’t far behind.

State Birds That Should Be

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 6, 2015

John Oliver has once said that there are two things that American states are bad at: civil rights and state birds. Of course, anyone who’s studied African American history would understand the former, especially since the states’ lousiness to utter lack of interest in protecting civil rights was the driving reason in the rise of the Civil Rights Movement. Of course, I’ve written a few posts explaining why that is (such as one on the Charleston shooting and the Confederate Flag). However, I haven’t brushed on the other subject like state birds. Now I know it’s not nearly important but we have to understand that while the Founding Fathers were absolutely right to name the Bald Eagle as our national symbol, our states have been absolutely horrible in selecting a bird that best represents them. I mean there are several states with the same one like the Northern Mockingbird, the Northern Cardinal, the Eastern Bluebird, the Eastern Goldfinch, the Black-Capped Chickadee, the Western Meadowlark, the Mountain Bluebird, and the American Robin as well as others with birds that don’t seem to really represent them. Some aren’t even very unique. For instance, as a native and lifelong resident in Pennsylvania, I have never seen a Ruffed Grouse. I have seen a Great Blue Heron, a seagull, a Norther Harrier, a Bufflehead, and even a Pilated Woodpecker in my area. But I have never seen a freaking Ruffed Grouse in Pennsylvania in all of my freaking life. Not a single one. Maybe the wild turkey might not be a great national symbol but it would’ve been a way better state bird for Pennsylvania than the Ruffed Grouse. At least I’ve seen wild turkeys from my neck of the woods. Nevertheless, we have 50 states in the US as well as hundreds of native birds in our country to choose from. It’s not like several states have to pick the same one. Here I list my opinion for what I think should be the state bird for each of the 50 states of the United States of America.

Alabama

While the Northern Mockingbird can be found anywhere, Alabama’s association with Harper Lee and the Civil Rights Movement kind of makes it an appropriate state bird there. As Lee put it, To Kill a Mockingbird is to kill what is innocent and harmless like Tom Robinson.

Official State Bird: Northern Flicker (Yellowhammer)

Why It Sucks: For one, this bird was chosen with its association to Confederate soldiers, which may be something Alabama may take pride in. However, I’m sure this bird’s association with Confederacy won’t sit well with the state’s minority populations. Also, there’s not a lot of flickers in Alabama anyway.

Best Candidate: Northern Mockingbird

Why: Sure I know it’s a common and boring bird. But Alabama was a major center of the American Civil Rights Movement as well as home to Harper Lee who wrote To Kill a Mockingbird, a book closely identified with it. Besides, the Civil Rights Movement was a major event that put Alabama on the map and what most people identify this state with. Still, if the Northern Mockingbird has to be a state bird, then it should be in Alabama.

Other Options: Blue Jay, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Cedar Waxwing, Red-Bellied Woodpecker, Tufted Titmouse, Mourning Dove, Brown Pelican, Northern Shrike, Great Crested Flycatcher, Loggerhead Shrike, Red-Cockated Woodpecker

Alaska

Now this is the kind of bird I think about when it comes to Alaska. This is a magnificent bird of prey that the state could be proud of. Hell, it’s even one of the few birds that can even get non-birders to come out for a look.

Official State Bird: Willow Ptarmigan

Why It Sucks: It’s a very common bird in Alaska, which is home to 69 species of birds that only breed there. It’s also not a bird most people imagine when they think about Alaska. Also, the name is dumb.

Best Candidate: Snowy Owl

Why: Well, I might be biased since Harry Potter owned one named Hedwig. However, this is possibly one of the birds someone imagines when they think about Alaska. This is a majestic, arctic bird of prey, which has all the makings of a truly great state bird that Alaska can be proud of.

Other Options: Horned Puffin, Gyrfalcon, Arctic Tern, Arctic Loon, Pacific Loon, Aleutian Tern, Little Auk, Great Gray Owl, Glaucous Gull, America Tree Sparrow, Golden-Crowned Sparrow, Trumpeter Swan, Tundra Swan, Emperor Goose, Wood Duck, American Widgeon, Bufflehead, Harlequin Duck, Smew, Steller’s Eider, King Eider, Horned Grebe, Red-Necked Grebe, Brandt’s Cormorant, Pelagic Cormorant, Boreal Owl, Rough-Legged Hawk, Merlin, Greater Scaup, Sandhill Crane, Semipalmated Plover, American Golden Plover, Solitary Sandpiper

Arizona

While the Gila Woodpecker might be small, they are an important protector of the saguaro cactus. Not only does it eat insects that might harm the cactus, it also cuts away unhealthy flesh from the plant as well. They are also more common in Arizona than the Cactus Wren and prettier, too.

Official State Bird: Cactus Wren

Why It Sucks: Not bad, Arizona. After all this is a desert state and the Cactus Wren is a desert bird. However, I’m not sure if it’s unique enough since Arizona isn’t the only desert state.

Best Candidate: Gila Woodpecker

Why: Well, they’re very adaptable birds in the Sonoran Desert and are associated with Saguaro cactus and Mesquite. Besides, while the Cactus Wren looks boring, the Gila Woodpecker has neat zebra wings. Not to mention, it has a bigger range than the Cactus Wren.

Other Options: Anna’s Hummingbird, California Condor, Yellow Junco, Greater Roadrunner, Great Horned Owl, Magnificent Hummingbird, Turkey Vulture, Zone-Tailed Hawk, Steller’s Jay, Gilded Flicker, Phainopepla, Painted Whitestart, Bullock’s Oriole, Ferruginous Hawk, Broad-Tailed Hummingbird, Elegant Trogon, Mexican Jay, Green-Tailed Towhee, American Dipper, Indigo Bunting, Gray Hawk, White-Throated Swift, Acorn Woodpecker, Mexican Jay, Red-Faced Warbler, Gambel’s Quail

Arkansas

The Pileated Woodpecker may not be a rare bird, but its sheer size makes its presence unmistakable. Not to mention, its association with the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker makes it a good fit as the state bird of Arkansas.

Official State Bird: Northern Mockingbird

Why It Sucks: Because it’s the state bird of 5 states and Arkansas has one of the worst reasons to claim it.

Best Candidate: Pileated Woodpecker

Why: Now this is possibly the largest woodpecker in North America (if the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker is extinct by this point). Not to mention, its large size gives it a strong unmistakable presence. It’s also very adaptable in forest and other environments unlike the Ivory-Billed. Still, this is a very awesome and unique American bird.

Other Options: Hairy Woodpecker, Downy Woodpecker, Eastern Phoebe, Chipping Sparrow, Easter Towhee, Tufted Titmouse, Eastern Screech-Owl, Barred Owl, American Crow, Eastern Whippoorwill, Great Crested Flycatcher, Loggerhead Shrike, Painted Bunting

California

Though the California Condor is a scavenging buzzard, it’s been seen as an important symbol for Native American mythology in California. It’s also the largest land bird in North America and one of the longest living.

Official State Bird: California Quail

Why It Sucks: Well, it’s a unique bird for California. But it’s been misplaced in a lot of movies that some people think it lives almost anywhere (thanks to Disney, no doubt). Also, it’s a game bird and not one that embodies the spirit of the state.

Best Candidate: California Condor

Why: Because this scavenging vulture is the largest land birds of North America as well as one of the longest living. Not to mention, the state managed to have a successful breeding program and helped reintroduce them in the wild. It’s also a significant bird to California Native American tribes as well as plays an important role in several of their myths. It’s not an attractive bird but it’s a remarkable bird nevertheless.

Other Options: Western Gull, California Gull, Anna’s Hummingbird, Western Scrub Jay, Pacific Loon, Laysan Albatross, Red-Billed Tropicbird, California Thrasher, Yellow-Billed Magpie, Nuttall’s Woodpecker, Violet-Green Swallow, Cassin’s Kingbird, Black-Backed Woodpecker, Phainopepla, Bullock’s Oriole, Brewer’s Blackbird, Lazuli Bunting, Tufted Duck, Clark’s Grebe, Black Storm Petrel, Brandt’s Cormorant, California Towhee, White-Tailed Kite, Flammulated Owl, Spotted Owl, Black Phoebe, American Dipper, Barrow’s Goldeneye, Acorn Woodpecker, California Least Tern, Mountain Quail

Colorado

The Gunnison Sage Grouse is known for its elaborate courtship ritual with males congregating in a lek “strutting display” as groups of females observe and select the most attractive to mate with. And only a few males do most of the breeding.

Official State Bird: Lark Bunting

Why It Sucks: Yes, it’s a unique bird and the male is quite nice looking but it’s quite rare even in its own state.

Best Candidate: Gunnison Sage Grouse

Why: It is one of the rarest birds in North America and its population is only in a small area of Colorado. It’s also a truly unique bird in its own right with a great feather display and are notable in their unique courtship rituals. Also, most experts recommend this.

Other Options: Great Horned Owl, Belted Kingfisher, Calliope Hummingbird, Brown Capped Rosy Finch, Yellow-Headed Blackbird, Bullock’s Oriole, Brewer’s Blackbird, Lewis’s Woodpecker, Greater Sage Grouse, American Three-Toed Woodpecker, Clark’s Nutcracker, Lazuli Bunting, Black-Billed Magpie, Western Grebe, Eared Grebe, Clark’s Grebe, American Dipper, Mountain Plover, White-Throated Swift, Brown-Capped Rosy Finch, Boreal Owl

Connecticut

Yes, I know the Blue Jay has a reputation for being an obnoxious and aggressive bird. But they’re also quite beautiful, intelligent, and tough. I mean they’re known to chase hawks and owls.

Official State Bird: American Robin

Why It Sucks: It’s a state bird in 3 states which means that Connecticut should find a new state bird.

Best Candidate: Blue Jay

Why: For one, it’s a common North American bird and a rather iconic one. It’s also a rather feisty bird known to chase predatory birds like hawks and owls as well as make a variety of sounds. Besides, it’s been cited in a couple of works by Mark Twain, one of Connecticut’s most famous residents (and let’s just say the state is home to a lot of celebrities). Why the Blue Jay isn’t already a state bird in this country, I have no idea. But it’s a better choice than the American Robin.

Other Options: Killdeer, Great Cormorant, Green Heron, Black-Crowned Night Heron, Glossy Ibis, Laughing Gull, Roseate Tern, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Belted Kingfisher, Red-Headed Woodpecker, Eastern Kingbird, American Crow, Connecticut Warbler, Great Crested Flycatcher, Black-Throated Blue Warbler

Delaware

Like many plovers, the Piping Plover is known to feign a “broken wing display” in order to direct a predator’s attention away from its chicks. Of course, human activity at beaches has led to a population decline that conservationists have reserved beaches for them during breeding season.

Official State Bird: Delaware Blue Hen

Why It Sucks: Face it, it’s a domesticated chicken that makes for a very lame mascot at one of its universities. Not to mention, it’s not even recognized as a chicken breed for God’s sake. It’s just a state bird due its significance in a Revolutionary War regiment in the state. And its main use was in cockfighting. Real nice. Yeah, it’s a stupid state bird in a state that’s only known for Joe Biden, corporate friendly tax rates, Dr. Oz, and not much else.

Best Candidate: Piping Plover

Why: For one, the Delaware Audubon Society has a whole article on it as an Endangered Species. Second, it’s a shorebird and is quite small and Delaware is home to a lot of coastal birds. Third, Delaware even has a program to restore this bird’s population, which has led to the state closing a beach section during its breeding season. And like Delaware, it doesn’t look anything special.

Other Options: Red Knot, Seaside Sparrow, Purple Martin, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Barn Swallow, Great Blue Heron, Tufted Titmouse, Great Crested Flycatcher

Florida

Now the American Flamingo isn’t as common in Florida as some of its other birds. And it’s only recently that they have returned to the Everglades. However, it’s still the bird that comes to mind when you think of Florida. So why this isn’t Florida’s state bird already is beyond me.

Official State Bird: Northern Mockingbird

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 5 states with one of them being Texas. Florida has one of the worst excuses since it has a rather diverse bird population, particularly in the Everglades which was designated as a National Park to preserve some of them. And all the birds they could’ve had to represent their state, they had to pick a small one that’s found everywhere. Really? That’s stupid.

Best Candidate: American Flamingo

Why: Basically, it’s such an iconic bird in Florida that it’s their unofficial state bird already. Of course, they’re not as common as they used to be in the state but as 2015, it’s been said that they’ve returned to the Everglades since about 147 have been seen there during the latest breeding season. Still, when you think of Florida, the American Flamingo is the first bird you think about. This is mostly because its likeness has been used in many tacky lawn decorations by Florida residents and others.

Other Options: Wood Duck, Great Blue Heron, Wood Stork, Magnificent Frigatebird, Brown Booby, Double-Crested Cormorant, Great Cormorant, Anhinga, American White Pelican, Brown Pelican, Little Blue Heron, Snowy Egret, Great Egret, Yellow-Crowned Night Heron, Green Heron, Black-Crowned Night Heron, American White Ibis, Glossy Ibis, Roseate Spoonbill, Northern Crested Caracara, Purple Gallinule, Sora, Killdeer, American Oystercatcher, Calliope Hummingbird, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Belted Kingfisher, Florida Scrub-Jay, Purple Martin, Painted Bunting, Hooded Merganser, Tricolored Heron, Sandhill Crane, Great Crested Flycatcher, Smooth-Billed Ani, Reddish Egret

Georgia

The Eastern Towhee is a large and striking sparrow as well as the bird of the undergrowth. It’s said its rummaging makes far more noise than what you’d expect for their size.

Official State Bird: Brown Thrasher

Why It Sucks: Well, for one, it’s not a compelling bird. Also, it had a hockey team named the Atlanta Thrashers which relocated to Canada and became the Calgary Flames. It’s also a rather common bird in the Southeastern US. Other than that, it’s not a terrible choice, just not one I think is good for Georgia.

Best Candidate: Eastern Towhee

Why: It is a large and striking species of sparrow that stands out better than the Brown Thrasher. Sure it’s a common eastern bird but it’s a permanent resident of Georgia as well as carries a nice sound, too. It’s also more common than a Brown Thrasher.

Other Options: Wood Duck, Blue-Winged Teal, Bufflehead, Hooded Merganser, Audubon’s Shearwater, Great Blue Heron, Little Blue Heron, Cattle Egret, American White Ibis, Black Vulture, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Belted Kingfisher, Eastern Kingbird, Blue Jay, Purple Martin, Cedar Waxwing, Great Crested Flycatcher, Loggerhead Shrike

Hawaii

The Pueo is a actually subspecies of the Short-Eared Owl that is endemic in Hawaii. But it has been attributed by Hawaiian mythology as one of the physical forms assumed by ʻaumakua who were the ancestor spirits of Hawaiian mythology.

Official State Bird: Nene (Hawaiian Goose)

Why It Sucks: Now the Nene might seem like a great tropical state bird for Hawaii since it’s rather unique to the islands. However, the fact that it’s a goose is kind of disappointing to say the least. Besides, Hawaii must have other more interesting species than this one. Not the kind of bird I’d want to see on a postcard from there.

Best Candidate: Pueo (Hawaiian Short-Eared Owl)

Why: Well, because this owl is a rather significant bird in Hawaiian folklore as one of the physical forms of the ancestor spirits. It is deemed as a sacred family protector and bringer of good luck, despite being endangered. Besides, an owl is a better state bird than a goose any day of the week.

Other Options: Brant Goose, Laysan Albatross, Black-Footed Albatross, Hawaiian Petrel, Bonin Petrel, Newell’s Shearwater, Hawaiian Hawk, Hawaiian Coot, Hawaiian Black Noddy, Kauaʻi ʻelepaio, Oʻahu ʻelepaio, Hawaiʻi ʻelepaio, ʻŌmaʻo, Nihoa Finch, Hawaiʻi ʻamakihi, Liwi, ʻAnianiau, ʻApapane, Red Crested Cardinal, Hawaiian Gallinule, Hawaiian Stilt

Idaho

Now the Pinyon Jay isn’t a common bird in Idaho, people in this state seem to hold some kind of affection for it. Nevertheless, their highly social behavior makes them a rather dependable presence in the state.

Official State Bird: Mountain Bluebird

Why It Sucks: Because it shares its state bird with Nevada. Not to mention, there aren’t many in that state.

Best Candidate: Pinyon Jay

Why: Well, for one, Idaho State University has a press venture named after it. Second, despite it appearing in a few southern Idaho counties, it seems to have a rather special place in that state. However, unlike the Mountain Bluebird, the Pinyon Jay is said to be seen in Idaho every month of the year, especially during the summer.

Other Options: Franklin’s Gull, Western Gull, Black-Billed Cuckoo, Band-Tailed Pidgeon, Great Horned Owl, Barred Owl, Great Gray Owl, Long-Eared Owl, Black-Backed Woodpecker, Downy Woodpecker, Loggerhead Shrike, Great Gray Shrike, Steller’s Jay, Western Scrub-Jay, Bullock’s Oriole, Lewis’s Woodpecker, Rufous Hummingbird, Peregrine Falcon, Lazuli Bunting, Black-Billed Magpie, Western Grebe, Eared Grebe, Clark’s Grebe, White-Throated Swift, Boreal Owl

Illinois

The male Greater Prairie Chicken is a highly territorial bird that often defends his booming grounds. It’s the place where he performs his display to attract females by inflating the air sacs on their neck. It’s said that one or two of the most dominant males do 90% of the mating.

Official State Bird: Northern Cardinal

Why It Sucks: Because the Northern Cardinal is the state bird for 7 states. That’s more than how many states have been home to Abraham Lincoln who spent most of his life there.

Best Candidate: Greater Prairie Chicken

Why: While it’s not as common in Illinois as the Northern Cardinal and only found in Southern Illinois, it’s nevertheless a rather unique bird to the state. They also kind of have a great combination of Springfield folksiness you’d associate with Lincoln as well as the badassery and rowdiness you’d associate with Chicago.

Other Options: Common Loon, White Breasted Nuthatch, Downy Woodpecker, Ruby Throated Hummingbird, Cedar Waxwing, Dark-Eyed Junco, Eastern Goldfinch, Great Horned Owl, American Kestrel, Dickcissel, Eastern Kingbird, Indigo Bunting, Red Wing Blackbird, Great Crested Flycatcher

Indiana

The Bobolink is said to be one of the world’s most impressive songbird migrants traveling some 12,500 miles from South America per year. In their lifetime it’s said they may travel the equivalent of 4 or 5 times around the circumference of the earth. Also, while a male may mate with several females, each clutch of eggs laid by a single female may have multiple fathers.

Official State Bird: Northern Cardinal

Why It Sucks: As with Illinois, it’s the state bird of 7 states which is more than states claiming to be the home of Abraham Lincoln, who spent his later childhood and teenage years there.

Best Candidate: Bobolink

Why: Besides its awesome name and unique appearance, this is a much more unique bird to Indiana than the Northern Cardinal which is everywhere. Bobolinks are only prevalent in the Northeast and Midwest. Besides, it has an awesome color scheme.

Other Options: White-Breasted Nuthatch, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Brown-Headed Cowbird, Downy Woodpecker, Dark-Eyed Junco, Mourning Dove, Song Sparrow, Scarlet Tanager, Common Loon, American Kestrel, Blue Grosbeak, Indigo Bunting, Blue Grosbeak, Lincoln’s Sparrow, Purple Martin, Yellow-Headed Blackbird, Great Crested Flycatcher

Iowa

The Dickcissel is a grassland bird that prefers the fields of the Midwest. The males are also said to have up to six mates but most usually have one or two.

Official State Bird: Eastern Goldfinch

Why It Sucks: Well, despite having a good reason for the Eastern Goldfinch, it’s also the state bird of New Jersey and Washington.

Best Candidate: Dickcissel

Why: Let’s face it, this is a unique bird in the Midwest and Iowa is a state best known for its agriculture. It also has a great unique name as well as polygynous mating habits, which is rare for a songbird. But it kind of fits well how Iowa was one of the first states to legalize gay marriage, a measure nobody expected.

Other Options: Red-Winged Blackbird, Greater Prairie Chicken, American Kestrel, Rough-Legged Hawk, Sharp-Shinned Hawk, Prairie Falcon, Red-Shouldered Hawk, Barn Owl, Tree Swallow, Cedar Waxwing, Mississippi Kite, Great Crested Flycatcher

Kansas

The American Crow is a true survivor since it’s highly adaptable, social, and intelligent that no matter how much humans want to kill them, they will keep coming. They’re also known for traveling in family groups of up to 15 and contain young from 5 different years. They can sometimes make and use tools.

Official State Bird: Western Meadowlark

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 6 states, including a couple of its neighbors.

Best Candidate: American Crow

Why: Because the American Crow is among one of the smartest and most underrated North American Birds. Not to mention, Kansas has dealt with a lot of crap during its history such as tornadoes, violent disputes over slavery, the Dust Bowl, terrible school boards, and Sam Brownback. The American Crow has been seen as a pest and there have been efforts to eliminate it. But still, it’s a very resilient and adaptable bird that also fulfills a key purpose like Kansas. So I think it’s one that represents Kansas the best. Besides, it’s about time the American Crow should be a state bird.

Other Options: Ruffed Grouse, Lesser Prairie Chicken, Northern Bobwhite, Scaled Quail, Mississippi Kite, Cooper’s Hawk, American Kestrel, Prairie Falcon, Barn Owl, Prairie Falcon, Dickcissel, Whooping Crane, Great Crested Flycatcher, Upland Sandpiper

Kentucky

The Blue Grosbeak is a member of the same family as the Northern Cardinal even if you might not have heard of it. And since Kentucky is the Bluegrass State, perhaps this would make a more appropriate state bird. Just call it a “blue cardinal” because that’s what it pretty much is.

Official State Bird: Northern Cardinal

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 7 states which is more than those who claim to be the Land of Lincoln. Of course, this was where Lincoln was born.

Best Candidate: Blue Grosbeak

Why: For one, it’s in the same family as the Northern Cardinal. Second, since Kentucky is known as “the Bluegrass State” it’s only fair that it should be represented by a bird with blue feathers. I think it’s a good compromise.

Other Options: Field Sparrow, Indigo Bunting, American Kestrel, Kentucky Warbler, Red-Headed Woodpecker, Downy Woodpecker, Tree Swallow, Blue Jay, Evening Grosbeak, Red-Winged Blackbird. American Crow, Purple Martin, Blue Grosbeak, American Kestrel, Great Crested Flycatcher

Louisiana

Though the Brown Pelican is the Louisiana state bird, it doesn’t spend a lot of time in the state nor does it appear on the state flag. However, the American While Pelican does as a winter visitor and the pelican on Louisiana’s state flag is certainly white. So perhaps the Pelican State should try this pelican as their state bird instead.

Official State Bird: Brown Pelican

Why It Sucks: Well, this isn’t a bad state bird since Louisiana is known as “the Pelican State.” But it’s not an attractive bird. Also, it’s not even the pelican that appears on its state flag. Besides, it’s not a common bird in Louisiana.

Best Candidate: American White Pelican

Why: Because the pelican on the Louisiana State Flag is always white, not brown. To have the American White Pelican as its state bird would make much better sense. And unlike the Brown Pelican, it does spend time in Louisiana (though it doesn’t necessarily breed there).

Other Options: Common Loon, Great Blue Heron, Anhinga, Yellow-Crowned Night Heron, Wood Duck, Wood Stork, Double-Crested Cormorant, Green Heron, Great Egret, Snowy Egret, Tricolored Heron, Little Blue Heron, White Ibis, Glossy Ibis, Roseate Spoonbill, Purple Gallinule, Belted Kingfisher, Crested Caracara, Louisiana Waterthrush, Great Crested Flycatcher

Maine

The Atlantic Puffin looks like the clown of the sea and its US breeding spot is off the coast of Maine. Its bright colors make it one of Maine’s most popular birds that their nesting colonies have become significant tourist destinations for birdwatchers.

Official State Bird: Black-Capped Chickadee

Why It Sucks: Has the same state bird as Massachusetts. It’s also a rather common American bird as well. It’s cute but Maine can do better.

Best Candidate: Atlantic Puffin

Why: It’s not a common bird in Maine (residing on 5 islands off the coast) but it has at least 2 things going for it, especially since attempts to restore it to its historical range have been successful in the state. For one, it’s one of Maine’s most popular birds that their nesting colonies have become significant tourist destinations for birdwatchers. There are even boating tours to see these birds during the summer. Second, it’s basically the only state in the US where these adorable Subarctic birds reside. Thus, while it’s adorable, it’s also one of the most unique birds in Maine.

Other Options: Snow Goose, Wood Duck, Spruce Grouse, Blue Jay, American Kestrel, Common Loon, Leach’s Storm Petrel, Great Blue Heron, Snowy Egret, Black Vulture, Osprey, Cooper’s Hawk, American Oystercatcher, Common Tern, Belted Kingfisher, Philadelphia Vireo, Common Raven, Purple Martin, White-Breasted Nuthatch, Cedar Waxwing, Seaside Sparrow, Red Wing Blackbird, Indigo Bunting, Acadian Flycatcher, Great Crested Flycatcher, Black-Throated Blue Warbler

Maryland

Edgar Allan Poe might not have spent a lot of time in Baltimore but since he died under mysterious circumstances in 1849, he will always be associated with the state of Maryland. And since he’s most famous for “The Raven” so would the Common Raven. Not to mention, Maryland is home to the Baltimore Ravens but we’ll discuss Ray Lewis’s murder allegations nevermore.

Official State Bird: Baltimore Oriole

Why It Sucks: While it does make sense for Maryland to have this as their state bird as well as a name of Baltimore’s Major League Baseball team, there aren’t many in the state.

Best Candidate: Common Raven

Why: Aside from the Baltimore Oriole, this is the other bird identified with Maryland. Edgar Allan Poe is associated with the city of Baltimore despite the fact he only lived there for 2 years and dying there in 1849 under interesting circumstances. Nevertheless, he’s buried there though. He’s best known for his poem, “The Raven” from where the Baltimore Ravens get their name (though they were previously the Cleveland Browns before moving there). Sure it might not be a common bird in the state, but it’s a rather significant one due to its connection to Poe and American Literature. Besides, more people are familiar with Poe’s “The Raven” than Lord Baltimore.

Other Options: Osprey, Barnacle Goose, Hooded Merganser, Common Loon, Great Blue Heron, Green Heron, Great Egret, Wood Stork, American Kestrel, Cooper’s Hawk, Killdeer, Royal Tern, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Belted Kingfisher, Red-Headed Woodpecker, Blue Jay, American Crow, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Red Wing Blackbird, American Oystercatcher, Orchard Oriole, Eastern Kingbird, Northern Shrike, Great Crested Flycatcher

Massachusetts

Since Massachusetts was the site of the First Thanksgiving, I thought it would only be appropriate that its state bird be the Wild Turkey. Of course, unlike their domesticated counterparts, they’re actually quite smart as well as agile flyers. However, they usually can’t fly higher than a quarter mile.

Official State Bird: Black-Capped Chickadee

Why It Sucks: Has the same state bird as Maine. Cute but Massachusetts can do better.

Best Candidate: Wild Turkey

Why: For one, it’s the Massachusetts state game bird so it probably has reasonable appeal as a state symbol. Second, like Massachusetts, it’s associated with Thanksgiving, an American national holiday. Third, it was even recommended as a national symbol by Benjamin Franklin who was a native of Boston. Let’s just say between this bird and the Black-Capped Chickadee, the Wild Turkey is a more appropriate choice for Massachusetts’ state bird.

Other Options: Kirtland’s Warbler, Piping Plover, Blue Jay, Chimney Swift, Orchard Oriole, Cedar Waxwing, Brown-Headed Cowbird, Dark-Eyed Junco, Great Blue Heron, Common Loon, Leach’s Storm Petrel, Snowy Egret, Little Blue Heron, American Kestrel, Cooper’s Hawk, Norther Goshawk, Red-Tailed Hawk, Red-Shouldered Hawk, American Oystercatcher, Laughing Gull, Roseate Tern, Barn Owl, Great Horned Owl, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Belted Kingfisher, Common Tern, Red Wing Blackbird, White-Breasted Nuthatch, Fish Crow, Herring Gull, Great Crested Flycatcher, Black-Throated Blue Warbler

Michigan

Kirtland’s Warbler is a rare bird of Michigan’s jack pine forests. It depends on fire to provide small trees and open areas meeting its nesting requirements. Yes, this bird really hates Smoky the Bear’s guts.

Official State Bird: American Robin

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird in 3 states in the country. Time for Michigan to find a new state bird. Besides, it’s a very common bird anyway when the state can do better.

Best Candidate: Kirtland’s Warbler

Why: For one it’s a bird that pretty much resides in this state which was almost extinct nearly 50 years ago, but they’ve made a recovery. It’s now classified as Near Threatened. Also, it has a community college named after it. Still, it would be a better bird than the American Robin.

Other Options: Wood Duck, Common Loon, American Kestrel, Red Wing Blackbird, Green-Tailed Towhee, American Tree Sparrow, Cape May Warbler, Cedar Waxwing, Great Blue Heron, Purple Martin, Barn Swallow, Cave Swallow, Blue Jay, American Crow, Northern Shrike, Eastern Kingbird, Downy Woodpecker, Belted Kingfisher, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Barn Owl, Killdeer, Red-Tailed Hawk, White-Breasted Nuthatch, Dark-Eyed Junco, Cooper’s Hawk, Herring Gull, Great Crested Flycatcher, Black Tern, Sandhill Crane, Upland Sandpiper

Minnesota

Minnesota has the highest remaining density of the Golden-Winged Warbler. In fact, it’s home to about half its global population. However, these birds have also experienced one of the steepest declines of any songbird species in the last 45 years.

Official State Bird: Common Loon

Why It Sucks: Well, the Common Loon is a nice bird. But it usually resides more often in Michigan than Minnesota (even if the latter has a lot of lakes) as well as winters on the American Coast. Minnesota may be in the Great Lakes region but it’s more of an inland state.

Best Candidate: Golden-Winged Warbler

Why: For one, it’s more common in Minnesota than the Common Loon. Second, it’s known to breed in this state as well as in Wisconsin. Still, it may not be a Common Loon but it’s a rather magnificent and more appropriate bird for the state.

Other Options: Sedge Wren, Greater Prairie Chicken, Ruffed Grouse, Sharp-Tailed Grouse, Green Heron, Cooper’s Hawk, American Kestrel, Common Gallinule, Killdeer, Parasitic Jaeger, Barn Owl, Great Horned Owl, Black-Backed Woodpecker, Northern Goshawk, Piping Plover, Common Tern, Common Redpoll, Blue Jay, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Black-Capped Chickadee, Wood Duck, Scarlet Tanager, Great Blue Heron, Blackburnian Warbler, Indigo Bunting, Osprey, Great Crested Flycatcher, Ruffed Grouse, Trumpeter Swan, Double-Crested Cormorant, Black Tern, Upland Sandpiper

Mississippi

The Great Blue Heron is a majestic sight whether poised on a river or cruising a coastline with slow, deep, wingbeats. Though it may seem motionless and slow moving at times, it can strike like lightning to grab a fish or snap a gopher. Can also hunt at night or day.

Official State Bird: Northern Mockingbird

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 5 states in the country. I’m sure Mississippi has a more diverse bird population that it could do better.

Best Candidate: Great Blue Heron

Why: Let’s just say it’s a prevalent bird in the Mississippi and the Great Egret is already a symbol for The Audubon Society. Mississippi is also known to have wetlands and waterways which the Great Blue Heron is well suited for. Besides, it’s a better state bird choice than the Northern Mockingbird.

Other Options: Wood Duck, Great Egret, Yellow-Breasted Chat, Downy Woodpecker, Red-Bellied Woodpecker, Yellow-Rumped Warbler, Eastern Towhee, Blue Jay, Cedar Waxwing, Herring Gull, American Crow, American Coot, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Belted Kingfisher, Mississippi Kite, Killdeer, Anhinga, Great Crested Flycatcher

Missouri

The American Kestrel is the smallest falcon of North America. Yet, it packs a predator’s intensity into its small body. It can also see ultraviolet light and hide surplus kills to save food in lean times and conceal it from thieves.

Official State Bird: Eastern Bluebird

Why It Sucks: Shares the same state bird as New York. And it’s not as common as you might think due to having to compete with invasive species like sparrows and starlings.

Best Candidate: American Kestrel

Why: Missouri has often been in the middle of a lot of stuff during its history. It was a border state during the antebellum years as well as the starting point in the Oregon Trail. It had residents fight on both sides during the American Civil War and was the home of Quantrill’s Raiders (that included the James brothers). Besides, it has a reputation as a bellwether state and is home to a lot of wildlife diversity. And since the American Kestrel is a common bird of prey that lives in a variety of habitats as well as resides in the state year round, I can’t think of better bird to represent the state. Not to mention, it’s known to be quite feisty like Missouri native Harry Truman.

Other Options: Northern Cardinal, Wood Duck, Blue Jay, Easter Whippoorwill, Henslow’s Sparrow, Black-Crowned Night Heron, Great Blue Heron, Osprey, Cooper’s Hawk, American Coot, Tufted Titmouse, Downy Woodpecker, Hairy Woodpecker, Red-Tailed Hawk, Red-Bellied Woodpecker, Red Wing Blackbird, Barn Owl, Purple Martin, Great Crested Flycatcher

Montana

McCown’s Longspur is the songbird of the barren ground in the Great Plains such as short grass prairies and overgrazed pastures. The male is known to maintain its territory through aerial displays.

Official State Bird: Western Meadowlark

Why It Sucks: For one, it’s a state bird of 6 states. Besides, Montana is the home to a lot of birds as well, which doesn’t give it much of an excuse.

Best Candidate: McCown’s Longspur

Why: Because it mostly breeds in this state during the summer (along with Wyoming). They also are known for characteristic aerial and song displays. It’s a more unique bird to the state than the Western Meadowlark.

Other Options: Vesper Sparrow, Long-Tailed Duck, Greater Sage Grouse, Dusky Grouse, Cooper’s Hawk, Red-Tailed Hawk, Northern Goshawk, Ferruginous Hawk, Great Horned Owl, Flammulated Owl, Western Screech-Owl, Barred Owl, Long-Eared Owl, Great Gray Owl, Calliope Hummingbird, Steller’s Jay, Western Scrub Jay, Clark’s Nutcracker, Black-Billed Magpie, American Kestrel, Merlin, Prairie Falcon, American Crow, Bullock’s Oriole, Sharp-Shinned Hawk, Townsend’s Solitaire, Pinyon Jay, Cedar Waxwing, Sprauge’s Pipit, Cassin’s Kingbird, Lazuli Bunting, Trumpeter Swan, Western Grebe, Eared Grebe, Double-Crested Cormorant, Mountain Plover, Upland Sandpiper, Boreal Owl

Nebraska

The Sandhill Crane may only be a migratory visitor to Nebraska. But from February to April each year, 500,000 of them return to feed at Nebraska’s Platte River as one of the largest congregation of birds of North America. Such event attracts 12,000 to 15,000 tourists and there’s even a Crane festival in March.

Official State Bird: Western Meadowlark

Why It Sucks: It’s a state bird of 6 states. Time for Nebraska to find something else to represent their state.

Best Candidate: Sandhill Crane

Why: Because 500,000 of these birds return to Nebraska’s Platte River every year around February to April. However, it’s one of the largest bird congregation spectacle in North America which brings between 12,000 and 15,000 people to the area each year. There’s even a crane festival in March.

Other Options: Greater Prairie Chicken, Red-Tailed Hawk, Whooping Crane, Killdeer, Blue Jay, Piping Plover, Bobolink, Least Tern, Harris’s Sparrow, Great Crested Flycatcher, White-Fronted Goose, Mallard Duck, Northern Pintail, Lesser Snow Goose, Black-Billed Magpie, Upland Sandpiper

Nevada

The Greater Sage-Grouse may only inhabit northern Nevada. But I’m sure the male of this species looks like he’s straight from Las Vegas.

Official State Bird: Mountain Bluebird

Why It Sucks: It shares the same state bird with Idaho. Besides, Nevada could at least have more showy bird than that. I mean Nevada is famous for tackiness, sin, vice, gambling, quickie divorces, marrying under the influence, materialism, prostitution, atomic testing, and other crazy things. The state bird should reflect that. And the Mountain Bluebird doesn’t really hold a candle to that since it’s too nice.

Best Candidate: Greater Sage Grouse

Why: Despite being more abundant in Wyoming, this is the perfect state bird for Nevada. For one, it inhabits the northern part of state year round. Secondly, the male of the species looks as if you’d expect it to come out of Las Vegas. Not to mention, it has a rather elaborate mating ritual.

Other Options: White-Faced Ibis, Dusky Grouse, Sooty Grouse, Turkey Vulture, Common Black-Hawk, Sharp-Shinned Hawk, Mountain Plover, Greater Roadrunner, Long-Eared Owl, Great Horned Owl, Great Gray Owl, Gila Woodpecker, Lewis’s Woodpecker, Black-Billed Magpie, Western Scrub-Jay, Clark’s Nutcracker, Western Tanager, Red Wing Blackbird, Great-Tailed Grackle, Bullock’s Oriole, Brewer’s Blackbird, Evening Grosbeak, Juniper Titmouse, Calliope Hummingbird, Lazuli Bunting, Eared Grebe, Clark’s Grebe, American Dipper

New Hampshire

The Red-Tailed Hawk is the most common hawk of North America. It is a large sharp-taloned bird that can be aggressive when defending their nests and territories. When courting, these birds fly with their legs beneath them, sometimes locking talons. Mated pairs typically stay together until one of them dies.

Official State Bird: Purple Finch

Why It Sucks: For one, it’s not really purple. Second, the male’s plumage of Neapolitan ice cream getting all mixed up. Third, it’s kind of ugly to say the least.

Best Candidate: Red-Tailed Hawk

Why: Face it, there was a group of 4^th graders who wanted it to be their state raptor. Their proposal was turned down in the New Hampshire State Legislature in front of their faces. I think it would be best if the legislature reconvened and named this their state bird instead of the Purple Finch. Besides, its feathers were seen as sacred by many Native American tribes Not only that, but they’re really cool to say the least. Has all kinds of subspecies and morphs, too. Yeah, the Red-Tailed Hawk is awesome and it should be a state bird.

Other Options: Black-Capped Chickadee, American Redstart, Purple Martin, American Crow, Blue Jay, Cedar Waxwing, Eastern Goldfinch, Common Grackle, Cooper’s Hawk, White-Breasted Nuthatch, Tufted Titmouse, Killdeer, American Oystercatcher, Osprey, Black-Throated Blue Warbler

New Jersey

The Black Skimmer’s remarkable bill sets it apart from all other American birds. Its large red and black bill is knife thin and the lower manible is longer than the upper. The bird drags the lower bill through the water as it flies through the water it flies along, hoping to catch a small fish.

Official State Bird: Eastern Goldfinch

Why It Sucks: Shares the same state bird with Iowa and Washington. Also, doesn’t really live up to New Jersey’s reputation if you know what I mean. Besides, it has a better birding acclaim and can do better.

Best Candidate: Black Skimmer

Why: For one, despite New Jersey’s reputation, at least the state is doing something to conserve this bird’s population in its breeding range on the Jersey Shore. Second, you can joke by how this bird’s name describes a lot of New Jersey’s politicians since it has a horrible reputation for corruption.

Other Options: Seaside Sparrow, Wood Duck, Greater Scaup, Hooded Merganser, Pie-Billed Grebe, Northern Gannet, Great Blue Heron, Great Egret, Green Heron, Glossy Ibis, Osprey, Cooper’s Hawk, Sharp-Shinned Hawk, Peregrine Falcon, American Kestrel, Common Gallinule, Killdeer, Piping Plover, American Oystercatcher, Laughing Gull, Roseate Tern, Black Tern, Royal Tern, Long-Eared Owl, Eastern Screech Owl, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Belted Kingfisher, Purple Martin, Cedar Waxwing, Great Crested Flycatcher, Fish Crow, Herring Gull, Black-Throated Blue Warbler

New Mexico

The Steller’s Jay moves around with bold hops of their long legs, both on the ground and on the spokelike main branches of conifers. It also has incredible spatial memories as well as rob caches and nests of other birds. They are very social and can sometimes join mixed species flocks. Not to mention, it can keep up a running commentary on events as well as instigate mobbing of predators and other dangerous intruders.

Official State Bird: Roadrunner

Why It Sucks: Now this is an appropriate state bird. However, I’m sure there are people in this state who aren’t pleased because they’re fans of Wiley Coyote. Perhaps New Mexico should be represented by a less controversial bird.

Best Candidate: Steller’s Jay

Why: First, it appears in most of New Mexico all year round. Second, its colorful feathers help reflect the state’s vibrant art culture that’s replete with Mexican and Southwest Native American influences. Nevertheless, it’s a very beautiful bird for a state like New Mexico.

Other Options: Chihuahuan Raven, Scaled Quail, Turkey Vulture, Zone-Tailed Hawk, Ferruginous Hawk, Cooper’s Hawk, Hen Harrier, Swainson’s Hawk, Long-Eared Owl, Great Horned Owl, White-Eared Hummingbird, Black-Chinned Hummingbird, Anna’s Hummingbird, Broad-Tailed Hummingbird, Gila Woodpecker, Western Scrub-Jay, Clark’s Nutcracker, Evening Grosbeak, Bullock’s Oriole, Red Wing Blackbird, Green-Tailed Towhee, American Dipper, Indigo Bunting, Mountain Plover, White-Throated Swift, Acorn Woodpecker, Aplomado Falcon

New York

The Peregrine Falcon is the fastest animal in the world flying over 200 mph during its characteristic hunting stoop. It’s also among the most widespread, seen in almost every place on earth except extreme polar regions, very high mountains, most tropical rain forests, and New Zealand.

Official State Bird: Eastern Bluebird

Why It Sucks: It shares the same state bird as Missouri. Not to mention, it’s not an appropriate bird to represent the state.

Best Candidate: Peregrine Falcon

Why: For one, New York was a leading state that helped restore its population after it was nearly depleted by DDT and other pesticide. Second, it’s practically the fastest animal on earth with a speed of over 200 mph. Third, it’s a very adaptable bird that has resided almost everywhere. Besides, as a city bird, they are highly beneficial to the ecosystem, especially when it comes to controlling the feral pigeon population, which are outright pests.

Other Options: Cerulean Warbler, Ring-Billed Gull, Wood Duck, Blue-Winged Teal, Common Goldeneye, Hooded Merganser, Common Loon, Double-Breasted Cormorant, Herring Gull, Great Egret, Great Blue Heron, Black-Crowned Night Heron, Yellow-Crowned Night Heron, Glossy Ibis, Cooper’s Hawk, Sharp-Shinned Hawk, American Kestrel, Blue Jay, Red-Tailed Hawk, Golden Eagle, Laughing Gull, Herring Gull, Great Black-Backed Gull, Roseate Tern, Barn Owl, Great Horned Owl, Eastern Screech Owl, Long-Eared Owl, Northern Saw-Whet Owl, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Red-Headed Woodpecker, Downy Woodpecker, Pileated Woodpecker, Eastern Kingbird, Loggerhead Shrike, American Crow, Common Raven, Purple Martin, Tree Swallow, Cedar Waxwing, Prothonotary Warbler, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Loggerhead Shrike, Horned Lark, Cape May Warbler, Great Crested Flycatcher, Black-Throated Blue Warbler

North Carolina

The Ruby-throated Hummingbird is the only breeding hummingbird in eastern North America. But in terms of area, it occupies the largest breeding range in the continent. Still, it’s said that people in North Carolina love this little hummingbird that many put hummingbird feeders to watch them.

Official State Bird: Northern Cardinal

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 7 states. Yes, it’s common and it’s pretty. But still, it’s used to represent 7 states, which means it’s time for a more appropriate state bird.

Best Candidate: Ruby-Throated Hummingbird

Why: Because it’s one of the most loved birds of the state that many people put up hummingbird feeders to watch them. Besides, it’s a beautiful bird in its own right that fits well on a postcard and it’s about time that it should be a state bird. Not to mention, it’s a way better choice than the Northern Cardinal.

Other Options: Carolina Wren, Prothonotary Warbler, Royal Tern, Carolina Chickadee, Wood Duck, Hooded Merganser, Bufflehead, Common Loon, Audubon’s Shearwater, Leach’s Storm Petrel, Brown Pelican, American White Pelican, Double-Breasted Cormorant, Anhinga, Great Cormorant, Great Egret, Great Blue Heron, Little Blue Heron, Green Heron, Snowy Egret, American White Ibis, Black Skimmer, Herring Gull, Eastern Whippoorwill, Belted Kingfisher, Pileated Woodpecker, Downy Woodpecker, Eastern Kingbird, Loggerhead Shrike, Cedar Waxwing, Blue Jay, American Crow, Purple Martin, Tree Swallow, Red Wing Blackbird, Brown Thrasher, Eastern Towhee, White-Breasted Nuthatch, Red-Shouldered Hawk, Cerulean Warbler, Great Crested Flycatcher

North Dakota

The Blue-Winged Teal is among the latest ducks to migrate northward in the spring, and one of the first to migrate southward in the fall. They can also migrate long distances with some going all the way from Canada to South America. And since North Dakota is known as America’s duck nursery, it would make an appropriate state bird.

Official State Bird: Western Meadowlark

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 6 states. North Dakota needs something more original since it’s said to be quite famous for its birds, particularly its ducks.

Best Candidate: Blue-Winged Teal

Why: For one, it’s one of the more common ducks in North Dakota and not in the nation (which is obviously the Mallard). Second, the state is famous among birders and hunters as America’s duck nursery. So it only makes sense that North Dakota should have a duck as its state bird.

Other Options: Nelson’s Sparrow, Chestnut-Collared Longspur, Wood Duck, American Wigeon, American Black Duck, Northern Pintail, Greater Scaup, Common Loon, Ruffed Grouse, Red-Tailed Hawk, Cooper’s Hawk, Red-Shouldered Hawk, Broad-Winged Hawk, Ferruginous Hawk, Prairie Falcon, Gyrfalcon, Bufflehead, Hooded Merganser, Great Horned Owl, Barred Owl, Red-Headed Woodpecker, Northern Shrike, Clark’s Nutcracker, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Bobolink, American Avocet, Yellow-Headed Blackbird, Baird’s Sparrow, Ruddy Duck, Black-Billed Magpie, Western Grebe, Eared Grebe, Double-Crested Cormorant, Upland Sandpiper

Ohio

Since the Cleveland Browns decided to high tail it to Baltimore and change their name to the Ravens, I think it’s only fair that Ohio gets to use the Baltimore Oriole as its state bird. From now on, it’ll be known as the “Cleveland Oriole.”

Official State Bird: Northern Cardinal

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 7 states so yeah, which is as many as Ohio has presidents born there. Ohio needs a new and more original state bird.

Best Candidate: Baltimore Oriole

Why: For one, it has a similar color scheme as the Cincinnati Bengals to some extent. Second, it’s more common in Ohio than Maryland as well as well-loved there. And third, since Baltimore already took Cleveland’s football team and won 2 Super Bowls, I kind of thought it was only fair for Ohio to take Maryland’s current state bird as fair compensation. So in Ohio, this bird will now be called the “Cleveland Oriole.”

Other Options: Willow Flycatcher, Cerulean Warbler, Blue-Winged Warbler, Ruffed Grouse, Indigo Bunting, Red-Tailed Hawk, Northern Bobwhite, American Kestrel, Killdeer, Mourning Dove, Black-Billed Cuckoo, Yellow-Billed Cuckoo, Great Horned Owl, Eastern Screech Owl, Barred Owl, Common Nighthawk, Chimney Swift, Whippoorwill, Red-Headed Woodpecker, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Downy Woodpecker, Red-Bellied Woodpecker, Hairy Woodpecker, Northern Flicker, Pileated Woodpecker, Eastern Wood Pewee, Acadian Flycatcher, Easter Kingbird, Blue-Headed Vireo, Blue Jay, American Crow, Horned Lark, Purple Martin, Barn Swallow, White-Breasted Nuthatch, Tufted Titmouse, Blue-Gray Gnatcatcher, Cedar Waxwing, Northern Parula, Scarlet Tanager, Eastern Towhee, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Blue Grosbeak, Dickissel, Bobolink, Red Wing Blackbird, Common Grackle, Great Crested Flycatcher

Oklahoma

The male Painted Bunting is said to be the most beautiful bird in North America. Unfortunately, this doesn’t stop it from being captured as a caged bird during its wintering in Central America. Now the species is Near Threatened.

Official State Bird: Scissor-Tailed Flycatcher

Why It Sucks: Well, it’s a unique and interesting bird. But I’m not sure about its feathers which are kind of drab. Besides, Oklahoma can do better.

Best Candidate: Painted Bunting

Why: It is said to be the most beautiful bird in North America and it breeds in this state. Though difficult to find due to a declining population because of people in Central America, Mexico, and Cuba selling them as pets during their migration, Oklahoma is one of 4 states to have a significant population. Still, it’s a truly beautiful bird that should be on a postage stamp.

Other Options: Northern Bobwhite, Eastern Meadowlark, Mississippi Kite, Common Grackle, Cooper’s Hawk, Red-Shouldered Hawk, Lesser Prairie Chicken, Scaled Quail, Northern Harrier, Sharp-Shinned Hawk, Broad-Winged Hawk, Prairie Falcon, Common Gallinule, Barn Owl, Black-Billed Cuckoo, Greater Roadrunner, Great Horned Owl, Long-Eared Owl, Red-Headed Woodpecker, Golden-Fronted Woodpecker, Red-Bellied Woodpecker, Downy Woodpecker, Great Crested Flycatcher, Loggerhead Shrike, Purple Martin, Cedar Waxwing, Blue Grosbeak, Indigo Bunting, Red Wing Blackbird

Oregon

Now the American Dipper might not look any more than a stocky gray bird. But as North America’s only songbird, it has an extra eyelid to see underwater. It’s also known for its domed, ball-like nest near waterways.

Official State Bird: Western Meadowlark

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 6 states. This means that Oregon needs a new state bird. Surely the state has more original avian wildlife than that.

Best Candidate: American Dipper

Why: It’s a mountain bird known to inhabit streams as well as the only aquatic songbird of North America. Its presence indicates good water quality as well as possesses a sweet song. Not to mention, their nests are some of the most extraordinary pieces of bird architecture ever. And like Oregon, it may not look very noteworthy but there are some things about it that make it quite interesting.

Other Options: Red-Breasted Nuthatch, Spotted Owl, Trumpeter Swan, Tufted Duck, Greater Sage Grouse, Columbian Sharp-Tailed Grouse, Mountain Quail, Western Grebe, Western Scrub-Jay, Dark-Eyed Junco, Northern Fulmar, Green Heron, Green-Tailed Towhee, Spotted Towhee, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Black-Headed Grosbeak, Lazuli Bunting, White-Tailed Kite, Yellow-Headed Blackbird, Gray-Crowned Rosy Finch, Swainson’s Hawk, Ferruginous Hawk, Prairie Falcon, Heerman’s Gull, Mew Gull, Ring-Billed Gull, Western Gull, Thayer’s Gull, Sabine’s Gull, Tufted Puffin, Flammulated Owl, Western Screech-Owl, Great Horned Owl, Anna’s Hummingbird, Calliope Hummingbird, Rufous Hummingbird, Red-Breasted Sapsucker, Pacific-Slope Flycatcher, Black Phoebe, Allen’s Hummingbird, Western Kingbird, Steller’s Jay, Pinyon Jay, Black-Billed Magpie, Violet-Green Swallow

Pennsylvania

The Indigo Bunting is said to migrate at night, using the stars for guidance. It’s also said to possess an internal clock, enabling it to adjust their angle orientation to a star, even as that star moves through the night sky.

Official State Bird: Ruffed Grouse

Why It Sucks: As a native and lifelong resident of Pennsylvania, I have never seen this bird in my life. And I’m a rural resident as well as lived in this state for 25 years. Nor do I know anyone who has seen them in this state. Besides, it’s said that only 86% of these birds live in Canada. Guess they were all killed by hunters.

Best Candidate: Indigo Bunting

Why: For one, it’s one of the more common nester in Pennsylvania and has been seen in recent years almost everywhere in the state. Second, it has a distinctive sound as well as a bright blue feather display for the males (well, their feathers reflect as blue like the sky in good lighting. In poor lighting, they look black). Third, it’s a bird that’s more or less confined to the Eastern United States during its breeding season. Besides, it’s a more beautiful bird than the Ruffed Grouse.

Other Options: Scarlet Tanager, Black-Throated Blue Warbler, Downy Woodpecker, Tufted Titmouse, White-Breasted Nuthatch, Common Grackle, Blue Jay, Red Wing Blackbird, Yellow Warbler, Common Yellowthroat, Northern Harrier, Great Blue Heron, Osprey, Red-Shouldered Hawk, Gray Catbird, Red-Headed Woodpecker, American Kestrel, Red-Tailed Hawk, Cooper’s Hawk, Peregrine Falcon, Killdeer, Red-Bellied Woodpecker, Eastern Screech-Owl, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Pileated Woodpecker, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Eastern Kingbird, Bobolink, Great Crested Flycatcher, Philadelphia Vireo, Blue-Headed Vireo, Barred Owl, Eastern Towhee, Purple Martin, Snow Bunting, Blue Grosbeak, Dickcissel, Cerulean Warbler, Hooded Warbler

Rhode Island

Rhode Island may be a small state, but it’s part of the summer breeding range of the Great Black-Backed Gull, which is the largest gull in the world. As one earl observer noted, “It surely seemed to be a king among the gulls, a merciless tyrant over its fellows, the largest and strongest of its tribe. No weaker gull dared to intrude upon its feudal domain.”

Official State Bird: Rhode Island Red

Why It Sucks: To put a short story short, it’s a freaking breed of chicken for God’s sake. Seriously, it’s unconscionable like Delaware’s.

Best Candidate: Great Black-Backed Gull

Why: It’s the largest gull in Rhode Island as well as a year-long resident in the state. And since Rhode Island is known for its beaches, it should only be fitting it be represented by a sea gull. Besides, it’s better than having a chicken as state bird.

Other Options: Herring Gull, Snow Bunting, Cedar Waxwing, Red-Bellied Woodpecker, Common Redpoll, White-Throated Sparrow, Northern Harrier, Purple Sandpiper, Ivory Gull, Common Grackle, Blue Jay, Laughing Gull, Gull-Billed Tern, Brown Noddy, Band-Rumped Storm Petrel, Killdeer, American Oystercatcher, American Black Duck

South Carolina

A rare bird, the Red-Cockaded Woodpecker lives in the mature pine forests of the American South. While it pecks on wood like most woodpeckers, it specifically seeks living pines with red heart fungal disease. Such specificity of its habitat makes it extremely vulnerable to habitat loss.

Official State Bird: Carolina Wren

Why It Sucks: Well, it’s better than having a Northern Mockingbird which they used to have. Besides, it has “Carolina” in it. However, it’s kind of drab and found almost everywhere in the east.

Best Candidate: Red-Cockaded Woodpecker

Why: South Carolina is the best place to look for this rare species since it lives in cavities in mature pine forests. It’s listed as vulnerable. Besides, it’s prettier than the Carolina Wren.

Other Options: Audubon’s Shearwater, Brown Pelican, Wood Stork, American Black Vulture, Swallow-Tailed Kite, Mississippi Kite, Purple Gallinule, Killdeer, American Oystercatcher, Black-Necked Stilt, Carolina Chickadee, Brown Noddy, Royal Tern, Eastern Kingbird, Loggerhead Shrike, Great Crested Flycatcher, Pine Warbler, Summer Tanager, Indigo Bunting, Painted Bunting, Boat-Tailed Grackle

South Dakota

The Upland Sandpiper is a shorebird of grasslands, preferring the open grassy areas of the Great Plains. Hunting and loss of habitat have caused its population to decline since the 19th century.

Official State Bird: Ring-Necked Pheasant

Why It Sucks: In short, it’s an introduced Eurasian Plains bird. It was brought over to the US by English settlers who wanted to bring some old country bird to shoot at.

Best Candidate: Upland Sandpiper

Why: While most sandpipers usually favor the coast and mudflats, this bird prefers open country with tall grasses. South Dakota is in the Great Plains which is known for its grassland and prairies. Clearly these two are meant for each other. May not be as flashy as the Ring-Necked Pheasant but at least it’s a native.

Other Options: Sharp-Tailed Grouse, Blue-Winged Teal, Common Loon, Red-Tailed Hawk, Pied-Bill Grebe, Eared Grebe, Western Grebe, Lazuli Bunting, Greater Prairie Chicken, Ferruginous Hawk, Swainson’s Hawk, Downy Woodpecker

Tennessee

The Wood Duck is one of the most colorful and stunningly beautiful waterfowl of North America. It is a perching duck that nests in trees or nesting boxes if available. And these nesting boxes have helped increased its breeding population, especially in Tennessee.

Official State Bird: Northern Mockingbird

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 5 states including Florida and Texas. Seriously, Tennessee needs a new state bird.

Best Candidate: Wood Duck

Why: Well, I think it provides a perfect combination for what Tennessee represents. It’s rustic enough for the Appalachian and down home country music. But the male is rather strikingly flashy enough for the music culture of Nashville and Memphis. Besides, Tennessee has a conservation program for these with people building boxes for them.

Other Options: Yellow-Throated Warbler, Louisiana Waterthrush, Double-Crested Cormorant, Great Blue Heron, Green Heron, Black-Crowned Night Heron, Red-Tailed Hawk, Cooper’s Hawk, Red-Shouldered Hawk, Tennessee Warbler, Killdeer, Great Horned Owl, Pileated Woodpecker, Barred Owl, Great Crested Flycatcher, American Kestrel, American Crow, Blue Jay, Cedar Waxwing, Scarlet Tanager, Indigo Bunting, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Bufflehead, Common Loon, Purple Martin, Nashville Warbler, Cerulean Warbler, Bobolink, Red Wing Blackbird, Common Grackle, Bobwhite Quail

Texas

Now the Aplomado Falcon might have a small sustaining population in Southern Texas. But this is the predator most small birds fear which says a lot. Besides, this is the kind of raptor that would make a state bird Texans would be proud of.

Official State Bird: Northern Mockingbird

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 5 states which includes Florida. Seriously, Texas, you’re the state with an obnoxious ego bigger than your love for oil, firearms, and capital punishment. Your people take special pride in their cowboy culture, state flag, and history that kids all over the country have to learn it in their history class (which is important for the US to be fair but still). Not to mention, you have plenty of species of birds from which to choose from. Own it.

Best Candidate: Aplomado Falcon

Why: Let’s face it, I can go with a lot unique birds here. But I know that Northern Crested Caracara is too much identified with Mexico while the Roseate Spoonbill is a bird the people of Texas would never really be comfortable with. Now I know that this bird doesn’t have much of a range in Texas. But it’s a bird with a Spanish name and it’s said that small birds fear it more than most predators. So I think this is a bird Texans can really take pride in.

Other Options: Black-Crested Titmouse, Olive Sparrow, Cave Swallow, Roseate Spoonbill, Golden-Cheeked Warbler, Swainson’s Hawk, Aplomado Falcon, Plain Chachalaca, Lesser Goldfinch, Audubon’s Shearwater, Painted Bunting, Neotropic Cormorant, Anhinga, Magnificent Frigatebird, Reddish Egret, Tricolored Heron, White-Tailed Hawk, Zone-Tailed Hawk, Gray Hawk, Northern Crested Caracara, Purple Gallinule, Inca Dove, Grooved-Billed Ani, Elf Owl, Ringed Kingfisher, Green Kingfisher, Ladder-Backed Woodpecker, Acorn Woodpecker, Green Jay, Mexican Jay, Juniper Titmouse, Black-Crested Titmouse, Golden-Cheeked Warbler, Black-Chinned Sparrow, Varied Bunting

Utah

The Snowy Plover raises 2 broods a year, sometimes 3 in places where the breeding season is long. When the chicks hatch, the female deserts her mate and her brood as well as initiates a new breeding attempt with a different mate. Yeah, I know it’s kind of neglectful, but it’s sometimes how nature works, man.

Official State Bird: California Gull

Why It Sucks: Yes, I get it helped save Mormons from a locust swarm or so I’m told. Utahns even have a gold statue of it commemorating the occasion. But it’s a bird with “California” in its name for God’s sake. The state is not near a coastline. Besides, the bird only uses Utah as a migration stop anyway. Not to mention, I’m sure there were plenty of other birds that helped save Mormons from a locust swarm as well.

Best Candidate: Snowy Plover

Why: Well, unlike the California Gull, it actually lives in Utah to breed even if it’s just the Great Salt Lake area. Still, this is seen as a threatened bird but the state does have a substantial population of them. Besides, it’s quite adorable as well as eats insects.

Other Options: Greater Sage-Grouse, Gambel’s Quail, Black-Billed Magpie, Western Grebe, Clark’s Grebe, Swainson’s Hawk, Wilson’s Phalarope, Red-Necked Phalarope, American Avocet, Black-Necked Stilt, Marbled Godwit, Western Sandpiper, Long-Billed Dowitcher, American White Pelican, White-Faced Ibis, Eared Grebe, Northern Goshawk, Sharp-Shinned Hawk, Ferruginous Hawk, Prairie Falcon, Broad-Tailed Hummingbird, Calliope Hummingbird, Western Kingbird, Loggerhead Shrike, Steller’s Jay, Western Scrub-Jay, Pinyon Jay, Clark’s Nutcracker, Violet-Green Swallow, Juniper Titmouse, American Dipper, Lazuli Bunting

Vermont

The Black-Throated Blue Warbler is a deep forest bird of the American northeast. Of course, it’s said the sexes of this bird look so different that they were originally described as 2 different species.

Official State Bird: Hermit Thrush

Why It Sucks: It’s nice but it doesn’t incite the kind of enthusiasm I’d have for Ben & Jerry, cheese, or Bernie Sanders.

Best Candidate: Black-Throated Blue Warbler

Why: Well, it’s adorable and colorful like some people from Vermont. Besides, it prefers upland forests with tons of old growth. And I’m sure the Green Mountain State has plenty of them. Not to mention, it’s bird that only breeds in the US northeast.

Other Options: Chestnut-Sided Warbler, Least Flycatcher, Black-Capped Chickadee, Snow Bunting, Dunlin, Purple Sandpiper, Red-Tailed Hawk, Barred Owl, Eastern Screech-Owl, Northern Saw-Whet Owl, Horned Lark, Common Redpoll, Eastern Kingbird, Black-Billed Cuckoo, American Woodcock, Veery, Blue-Headed Vireo, Scarlet Tanager, White-Throated Sparrow, Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker, Osprey, Killdeer

Virginia

The Belted Kingfisher always seems to have an air of self-importance while patrolling up and down rivers and shorelines. It’s also one of the few species where the female is more colorful than the male. As you’ve seen in most bird species, this isn’t the case.

Official State Bird: Northern Cardinal

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 7 states in the country. Surely a state like Virginia should have a more original state bird than that.

Best Candidate: Belted Kingfisher

Why: Since Virginia is a state with a lot of wetlands and waterways, then this would be a perfect state to be represented by a fishing bird. Not to mention, it’s a permanent resident in Virginia as well as a much better bird for the state than the Cardinal. And unlike the Cardinal, it has no red coat.

Other Options: Saltmarsh Sparrow, Barred Owl, Virginia Rail, Double-Crested Cormorant, Green Heron, Black-Crowned Night Heron, Yellow-Crowned Night Heron, Great Blue Heron, Black Vulture, Wood Duck, Osprey, Red-Shouldered Hawk, American Kestrel, Killdeer, American Woodcock, Laughing Gull, Great Horned Owl, Whippoorwill, Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, Pileated Woodpecker, Blue Jay, Fish Crow, Eastern Kingbird, Red-Eyed Vireo, Purple Martin, White-Breasted Nuthatch, Gray Thrasher, Cedar Waxwing, Yellow Warbler, Scarlet Tanager, Indigo Bunting, Blue Grosbeak, Red Wing Blackbird, Common Grackle, Green Heron, Tree Swallow, Northern Parula, Black-and-White Warbler, Cooper’s Hawk

Washington

The Spotted Owl’s status as the indicator species of old-growth forests, it’s one of the most studied species in the world. Unfortunately, preservation efforts for this bird have been controversial in the Pacific Northwest, for obvious reasons. This is especially the case since those most vocal against its conservation are from the logging industry.

Official State Bird: Eastern Goldfinch

Why It Sucks: Though known as the “Willow” Goldfinch, it’s basically the same state bird as Iowa and New Jersey but by a different name. Nice try, Washington.

Best Candidate: Spotted Owl

Why: Let’s just say since it’s experienced a significant decline in Washington that it’s near threatened. However, conserving this bird has brought a lot of contention between conservationists, loggers, cattle grazers, and developers. A decision to reinforce a critical habitat for the owl was challenged by The Arizona Cattle Growers’ Association. Thus, because of the controversy the term, Spotted Owl has come to mean, “trivial environmental issues that do nothing but waste land for economic development as well as taxpayer money.” Still, I think saving the Spotted Owl’s habitat is worth it since “old growth” forests are almost impossible to replace. Besides, preserving these “old growth” forests doesn’t just save the owls either.

Other Options: Glaucous-Winged Gull, Evening Grosbeak, Western Tanager, Lazuli Bunting, Northern Harrier, Northern Goshawk, Western Screech-Owl, Great Horned Owl, Common Loon, Violet-Green Swallow, Yellow-Headed Blackbird, Lewis’s Woodpecker, Black-Billed Magpie, Rufous Hummingbird, Anna’s Hummingbird, Steller’s Jay, Dark-Eyed Junco, Ferruginous Hawk, Black Oystercatcher, American Avocet, Black-Necked Stilt, Great Gray Owl, Boreal Owl

West Virginia

The Cerulean Warbler is the fastest declining neotropical migrant songbird. Yet, despite its problems, there seems to be declining in West Virginia a lot slower than other places. No one knows why.

Official State Bird: Northern Cardinal

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 7 states. Now I’m sure West Virginia might have some good excuse on this since the state is an environmental disaster area. But still, I don’t imagine a Northern Cardinal when I think about West Virginia. Besides, it’s the state bird of Virginia as well which West Virginia split from during the American Civil War because it wanted nothing to do with the Confederacy.

Best Candidate: Cerulean Warbler

Why: It’s a common breeding bird in West Virginia despite the fact it’s the fastest declining songbird in North America as well as prefers mature forests with closed canopies as its habitat. But despite West Virginia’s environmental problems, these birds seem to love it there that they return there to breed every year.

Other Options: Swainson’s Warbler, Rusty Blackbird, Northern Bobwhite, Black Scoter, Semipalmated Sandpiper, Buff-Breasted Sandpiper, Chimney Swift, Olive-Sided Flycatcher, Golden-Winged Warbler, Bachman’s Sparrow, Henslow’s Sparrow, Long-Tailed Duck, Bicknell’s Thrush

Wisconsin

The Trumpeter Swan is the largest North American waterfowl. However, while the commercial trade in swan skins and excessive hunting have led to significant decline, populations have been increasing where they’ve been introduced. Wisconsin being one of those states that has.

Official State Bird: American Robin

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 3 states. This means that Wisconsin needs a new state bird.

Best Candidate: Trumpeter Swan

Why: Well, it’s one of the most notable native birds of North America. Besides, Wisconsin had a successful recovery for them since the 1980s which has been quite successful. Besides, it doesn’t look half bad on postcards.

Other Options: Golden-Winged Warbler, Sandhill Crane, Cooper’s Hawk, Downy Woodpecker, Hairy Woodpecker, Red-Headed Woodpecker, Killdeer, Purple Martin, Common Loon, Common Merganser, Bobolink, Greater Prairie Chicken, Cerulean Warbler, Henslow’s Sparrow, Osprey, Red-Shouldered Hawk, Indigo Bunting, Whippoorwill, Dickcissel, Blue-Winged Teal, Eastern Kingbird, Tree Swallow, Blue Jay, Rose-Breasted Grosbeak, Whooping Crane

Wyoming

The Ferruginous Hawk is the raptor of the open country and the largest hawk in North America. It is often mistaken for an eagle due to its size, proportions, and behavior. It’s also the most adaptable nester of the raptors as well.

Official State Bird: Western Meadowlark

Why It Sucks: It’s the state bird of 6 states. Obviously, Wyoming probably has a bird diversity that gives it no excuse.

Best Candidate: Ferruginous Hawk

Why: Well, Wyoming is home to all kinds of cool wildlife that I can’t think of a better bird to represent it than the largest hawk in North America. Besides, hawks are cool.

Other Options: Greater Sage-Grouse, Barrow’s Goldeneye, Common Loon, Swainson’s Hawk, Pinyon Jay, Western Scrub-Jay, Steller’s Jay, Great Horned Owl, Boreal Owl, Spotted Owl, Lewis’s Woodpecker, Loggerhead Shrike, Violet-Green Swallow, Snow Bunting, Lazuli Bunting, Prairie Falcon, Great Gray Owl, Black-Billed Magpie, Western Tanager

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Monthly Archives: September 2015

The Carving World of Wood Sculpture

Not in My Name: Why I Oppose Capital Punishment

The Unholy and Heretically Bad Taste World of Religious Kitsch

Old Rules in the Evolution of Sports

Dress Up Fun with Fashion Dolls

Worst Arguments for Not Enacting Gun Control

Not Licensed by the NFL Professional Football Craft Projects

The Interesting Life of NFL Merchandising

NFL Fans Dressed and Ready for Game Day

State Birds That Should Be