Disclaimer: While this post may contain religious content, it’s not meant to make fun of religion. It’s just making fun of the religious stuff that’s by believers and for believers. In other words, it’s something religious groups bring unto themselves. So it’s not meant to offend just make fun of religious commercialism. I know people view religion as important to their lives. But that doesn’t mean I can’t make fun of certain religious items, especially if they’re products that kind of contradict and trivialize that faith’s message. Case in point, anything depicting Jesus with a gun. Besides, as a practicing Catholic, I compiled this post in honor of Pope Francis’s visit to the United States whom I’m sure has a lot of crap being sold in his likeness as we speak. Besides, who says that religious people can’t have a sense of humor about their faith? Just ask Stephen Colbert.
Now as a practicing Catholic, I’m just as pumped about Pope Francis’s visit to the United States as anyone. Of course, I won’t see him personally but I wish him well and hope he has time to enjoy himself in this country. Nevertheless, Pope Francis’s visit has led to a surge in people selling a lot of religious crap. As with any religion, you tend to have a lot of religious products people are willing to buy, especially in America where people see Christianity and capitalism as non-conflicting principles. This is contrary to what Pope Francis says and as a proud Catholic liberal, I kind of agree with him on it. Now there are some religious stuff that’s tasteful like prayer cards and cross necklaces as well as other things. But there are religious products that bring a fine line between the sacred and the profane. But somehow they’re just too silly or too tacky too ignore that you got to have it. This is known as kitsch and it appears everywhere. So the fact that there’s a lot of religious kitsch out there shouldn’t be surprising. I mean it was bound to happen. Still, most of what I have to show you will be Christian related but I’ll try to be as inclusive as I can. And yes, that means you, Muslims. But I’ll try to not use a picture of Muhammad to appease you. So to honor Pope Francis’s first visit to the United States, I present to you some of the great stuff from the unholy world of religious kitsch, even if I go to hell for this. Then again, since Jesus and the Pope aren’t fans of religious capitalism and consumerism, maybe they’ll give me their blessing. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.
- Show your adoration for Our Lady with this Virgin Mary Barbie Doll.
Yes, they actually have this. Well, they have several of these whether you like it or not. However, I don’t know about you, but I really don’t think the Virgin Mary should be depicted with blond hair. That’s just my opinion.
2. Save your breath with Messiah mints.
Because nothing’s more unholy to Jesus than having bad breath. Even though Jesus and his disciples probably had halitosis all the time. So, yes, Jesus saves your breath with minty freshness.
3. Remember, that Jesus may be a man of peace but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know karate.
Yes, you see this Jesus is My Coach everywhere. However, I’m sure Jesus never traveled farther from his local Palestine in his life. So how he’d know karate is beyond me.
4. Show your devotion to the Virgin Mary with a neon sign in her likeness.
Man, this would go great with my velvet Jesus painting. Yeah, I’m sure this would be what you see on a Catholic church in Las Vegas.
5. Afraid of the dark? Then keep the monsters from under your bed with your very own Jesus night light.
On second thought, I’ll take my chances in the dark without this. Seriously, this is the creepiest night light I’ve ever seen. I mean Jesus’s face is just a large eyeball. Why?
6. Remember how Jesus died for your sins with this Crucified Christ pez dispenser.
I don’t know about you, but do you see anything wrong with making a Jesus pez dispenser like this? I mean the image of him bleeding from a crown of thorns really is nothing to commercialize like this. Seriously, this is ridiculous.
7. Jesus is the light of the world with these crucifix light bulbs.
Now I wonder how that’s possible. Yes, it’s tacky but it seems like a feat in electronics that hasn’t been repeated.
8. Show your devotion to Jesus with this pink neon crucifix.
For some reason, I find a pink neon crucifix kind of disrespectful to the moment it’s supposed to depict. Then again, I suppose anything goes in Vegas.
9. Yes, baby Jesus wants some lovin’, so why have you foresaken Him?
Is is just me or do I find baby Jesus on this shirt unintentionally creepy? Seriously, I think this is pretty tasteless on divine levels.
10. Light up your room with this Jesus light switch.
Then again, maybe a Jesus light switch isn’t a good idea. I mean look at its placement for God’s sake. Doesn’t help that he has his arms around the children.
11. Rock and roll all night with these Virgin Mary KISS statues.
Yes, these are Virgin Mary KISS heads. I know they may be offensive to some people like my grandmother. But still, these are hilarious.
12. Show your love for Jesus and the American way with this neon and gun Jesus statue.
Now this is just so wrong since Jesus did say, “whoever lives with the sword, dies with the sword.” Such displays would make Pope Francis shudder. But it’s simply hysterical. “No more Mr. Nice Jesus” indeed.
13. Remember that Jesus will be at your back, even in an untimely death.
Now I know there are children buried in cemeteries and their markers are unsettling enough. However, this one really seems to scare the living hell out of me. And it’s not because Jesus is holding the swing and can’t be seen by the waist down.
14. Make your own smoothies at night with this Jesus statue blender light.
Now why would anyone want a blender light in general is beyond me. Let alone any blender light that looks like Jesus. Seriously, why?
15. For all those celebrating Hanukkah, hope your kiddies appreciate this Ketzel the Cat Menorah.
Hey, Christians aren’t the only ones who have religious kitsch. If you’re a Jew reading this, feel free to talk about the cat’s significance to Hanukkah in the comments section. Because I have absolutely no clue.
16. For all you Jews out there, show your kids the magic of Passover with a set of Ten Plagues of Egypt finger puppets.
I think I might’ve seen this on either The Daily Show or The Colbert Report. Listen, Jews, if you want your kiddies to learn about Passover, I think it would be better to show them The Ten Commandments. It’s on the Saturday before Easter which coincides with Passover anyway. Finger puppets of plagues is kind of disturbing if you ask me.
17. Wash away your sins with Wash Away Your Sins hand soap, which kills sins on contact.
Of course, this is an example of false advertising. It may wash away the blood from your hands. But it won’t wash away the guilt you feel in your heart. Just ask Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment.
18. Work out and shed pounds the godly way with Praise! Aerobics.
Since I attend Mass once a week, I’m aware that Catholics have their own form of Praise! Aerobics like stand, sit, stand, kneel, stand, knell, sit, stand, and so on. So this is probably something released by Protestants.
19. Save your data with this Virgin Mary USB port.
I’m sure Mary will keep your data safe with her. Of course, I’d suggest you’d go with something like a holier than thou external hard drive. But if you like the iconography, that’s fine, too.
20. Keep the Old Testament faith alive with your very own Jewish Troll Doll.
Actually, I think this might be an Israel Troll Doll. But since it has a Star of David on it and Israel is a significant place for Jews, why not? Besides, troll dolls are pretty tacky to say the least.
21. Jewish Parents should let their kids cuddle with their very own Rabbi Teddy Bear.
Now this is actually quite cute. Of course, I’m sure he doesn’t allow cuddles on the Sabbath. It is a day of rest.
22. Show your kids the joys of the Festival of Lights with their very own Hanukkah rubber ducky.
Well, I did show a rubber ducky nativity scene in 2013. So it’s only fair that I try to be inclusive. Besides, if I find Hindu god rubber duckies, I’ll show that, too.
23. Show that Jesus Christ is your savior with this Jesus hand statue.
I’ve seen that they had stuff like this in in earlier centuries. However, the disembodied hand with icons coming from the fingers kind of gives me the creeps. And the stigmata marks aren’t helping either.
24. Have your prayers answered by the Submissive Jesus.
Doesn’t look submissive to me. More like on the verge of a nervous break down. Seriously, why?
25. Celebrate Hanukkah with your very own M&M menorah.
Apparently, Jews seem to really love M&Ms. How else could you explain this? Wonder if they have an M&M nativity scene.
26. Now you can see Jesus up close and personal through these sunglasses.
Note: Image is a European artistic representation and may not be in the actual likeness of Jesus. Remember that Jesus was a Palestinian Jew and probably looked more like someone who’s likely to get special TSA attention at your regular American airport.
27. This little shrine is bound to inspire spiritual devotion as well inspire fantasies of the flesh.
Yes, boy and Jesus praying on one side. Pinup Christian woman baring her cleavage on the other. And this was before Madonna’s rise to fame in the 1980s.
28. I guarantee you that this plush dog is 100% kosher.
Now I’m sure this is a stuffed animal for Hanukkah. However, doesn’t explain why the dreidels seem to be dancing on his head.
29. Have your kids travel to school with their very own Jesus backpack.
Of course, I’m not sure if a kid will be beat up at school for a backpack like this. But something in Jesus’s terrifying eyes tells me that you might not want to mess with him. Stop, Jesus, you’re creeping me out.
30. Sleep tight in this Jesus bedroom set.
Now I find this Jesus very scary as well. Makes me wonder whether he’s about to take your soul. Yeah, sometimes artistic representations tend to have rather unfortunate implications.
31. As we all know, nothing encapsulates the spirit of Christianity disasterpieces than Thomas Kinkade. Here is Thomas Kinkade’s Last Supper.
Now that’s a scene that will make Leonardo Da Vinci roll in his grave. Of course, my sister loathes this guy. So anything by Thomas Kinkade automatically counts as kitsch in this post or any post for that matter.
32. Smell like His Holiness Pius IX with The Pope’s Cologne.
Bet this pontiff didn’t think he was going to have his own fragrance line. Still, the thought of a Pope having his own cologne just makes me baffled. Seriously, why?
33. As Jesus said, “Give us this day of daily meds.”
Now I might not find it tasteful. But I think this Jesus pill box is quite clever and pretty funny. Like to see stuff that don’t take themselves too seriously.
34. Keep your room fresh with this Almighty Air Freshener from Wash Away Your Sins.
Love how they have “Seek and ye Shall Find Common Tainted Sin Zones.” These include cars, bars, bedrooms, bathrooms, TV rooms, church buses, kitchens, office, confessionals, granny’s house, roadside motels, and dorm rooms. Don’t know why they have granny’s house or confessionals. Wouldn’t think you’d find sin there.
35. Discover the good news with Bibleopoly.
Sorry, Malachi, but you can’t collect $200 if you have to go directly to jail. And no, Elijah, you can’t put a house on Nazareth because it’s mine, goddammit! And the Bethlehem Railroad’s mine, too. Got it?
36. For all you Mormons out there, guess nothing makes a holier game than on this Book of Mormon chess set.
Not sure what all those characters are supposed to be. However, I’m sure this isn’t something that’s based on the hit Broadway musical. Yeah, I’m not very familiar with Mormonism.
37. Make your kids feel secure with their very own Armor of God pajama set.
Now I really don’t know what to make of this. Seriously, how many kids would actually wear that? Well, there are those from families like the Duggars. But other than them? I mean these pjs look so stupid that they almost border on sacrilege.
38. No, that Jesus toast was no miracle but a product of this Daily Bread toaster.
Now this is just genius. After all, we’ve heard all sorts of things about Christ appearing on toasted bread. Maybe people should take advantage of this.
39. Now you can enjoy activities with our Savior with these Jesus action figures.
There’s Rodeo Jesus, Soccer Jesus, Motorcycle Jesus, Homeless Jesus, and Football Jesus. Collect them all. Still, talk about ridiculous.
40. Scrub yourself with papal freshness with this Pope Soap on a Rope.
Well, I had a Jesus Soap on a Rope for my soaps post. So I might as well have one of the Pope. However, I don’t think this one is of Pope Francis though. Then again, I’m not sure if I want rub the pontiff on my armpits.
41. Light up your world in time with this Jesus lamp and clock.
Now this is very disturbing. Is that Jesus from the chest up or Jesus sitting Indian style? I can’t be sure. Still, it’s freaky as hell.
42. Make your nails dazzle with these Jesus and Mary fake nails.
Why would anyone want these? Seriously, these are tacky beyond measure. I can’t even describe the divine tackiness here.
43. Spread the sacred Word of God on the beach with these Follow the Son flip flops.
Of course, if I had these, the only place I’d wear them would be at some nudist resort. And that would be for a joke. Man, I wonder who comes up with these ideas.
44. Experience the spiritual notion of martyrdom with your very own Saint Sebastian Ken.
Now depicting Saint Sebastian as a Ken Doll seems pretty disrespectful. Also tends to bear some resemblance to Justin Bieber which doesn’t help at all. And he seems to be smiling, too. Oh, and there’s the rainbow packaging.
45. For those who love video games, nothing makes scripture learning fun like Bibleman.
Hmmm…a Christian video game. It’s called, “Bibleman: A Fight for Faith.” Wonder how much un-Christian stuff is in this. Like violence. Also, looks like some video game take off from some 1990s cartoon.
46. Now you can seek your way to Enlightenment with your very own Nokia Buddha Phone.
Yes, this is is a Buddha phone. It has jade for a video button as well as Buddhist symbols on its edges. Yeah, it’s kind of over the top for a faith founded by a guy who preached moderation.
47. Now you can get comfy on the Lamb of God’s lap with this Jesus chair.
Okay, I really don’t want to sit on Jesus’s lap. Especially if it’s in a chair like this that doesn’t look very comfortable. And it’s rather freaky.
48. Strum up a sacred tune with this Virgin Mary electric guitar.
Now I can understand the cross fixture on this. But I’m not sure about Mary having angel wings. Still, wonder if any of the monks at Saint Vincent has one of these.
49. Guys, dress your Sunday best with these Jesus neckties.
Yes, ties have all sorts of tacky stuff on them. These are no exception. Yet, I can’t decide which one is more ridiculous.
50. Now you can hang your coats on these Jesus nail hand plastic coat hooks.
Oh, my God. This is just so insensitive that it’s not even funny. Seriously, who the hell thought these were a good idea should burn in to the hellfire inferno. For the love of god, why? Sweet Jesus, why?
51. Fill your soul with this popsicle crucifix.
Yes, eat more of this and you’ll see more of Jesus on the cross as a popsicle stick. Now I’m sure this isn’t in a very holy taste.
52. Make waffles part of this sacred breakfast with this Jesus waffle iron.
Now this is just crazy. As if Jesus toaster couldn’t be any more ridiculous. This takes it to another hilarious level.
53. Take a piece of the Vatican with you with this figurine of Vatican praying hands.
Now this might seem quite pretty. But having it in lime and neon green, not so much. I mean it’s as tacky as hell.
54. Show that you’re an enlightened driver with this Cat Buddha on your dashboard.
I’m not sure if I’d call a cat zen. Not only that, but Buddhists tend to be seen as vegetarians. And cats are seen as obligate carnivores so making one veg is animal abuse.
55. Make your room more holy with this Rainbow Light Last Supper Clock.
Not sure if such motif is appropriate for The Last Supper. Though tacky it is, it has a certain charm that everything that Thomas Kinkade ever did.
56. Decorate your Christmas tree with these Buddhist ornaments.
Yes, these are Buddhist ornaments. And yes, Christmas is a Christian holiday. But then again, Christmas is a popular holiday so anything goes. But I see the irony here.
57. Remember that you can always enjoy a good drink with For Christ’s Sake.
Lord knows what the Last Supper would’ve been like had the apostles drank this highly alcoholic Japanese rice wine. Yes, sake is very strong stuff.
58. As Jesus insisted, let all little children come to Him.
Now like I said before, kiddie statues in cemeteries are creepy. And I think this cemetery Jesus is even creepier than the last one I’ve shown in this post. No, kiddies, don’t go to Jesus. Grow up, have a life, and grow old and gray first.
59. Remember to always shoot for the University Baptist Church.
Anytime I see gun use in religious crap, I will put it on this post. I don’t care what faith it’s from. Religion and gunplay simply just don’t mix in my book.
60. Of course, this ashtray knows that Jesus hates it when you smoke.
Now an ashtray to shame smokers with Jesus’s likeness. If I have smokers in my house, I’d really want to get this.
61. For all you wine lovers out there, have a drink of wine made from the grapes of Galilee.
I’m sure this isn’t wine made from the grapes of Galilee. Hell, I don’t know if Galilee currently has any vineyards. However, they do make wine in California though. It’s probably from there.
62. With this Jesus grilled cheese maker, you don’t have to count on a miracle to see his face on your next grilled cheese.
Yes, you can make your own Jesus imprinted grilled cheese sandwiches with this. You just won’t get featured on the news for it. Kind of crazy if you ask me.
63. Seek some spiritual comfort with this Virgin Mary hip flask.
Of course, if I see anyone with a hip flask like this, I’d guess they’re fairly religious and really need to appeal to a higher power. And I don’t mean that way. I mean the Twelve-Step or AA. Seriously, you really need help.
64. Keep your lips pure and look good for Jesus with this Jesus lip gloss.
Now when I go to church, I usually wear my trademark hat and whatever else that I’m wearing. Because I know that God doesn’t give a shit on what I look like. Still, you’ll lose this before you finish it.
65. Defend yourself against unholy threats with this crucifix key chain knife.
I’m sure this isn’t bound to help you in a knife fight. Not to mention, you can’t really stab someone with such weapon. Then again, I may be wrong.
66. Enhance your little girl’s devotion with her very own Crucified Christ Ken Doll.
Uh, somehow seeing Jesus Ken smiling during his crucifixion kind of offense me. For God’s sake, Mattel, at least show the guy suffering under immense pain! His last words (among them) were, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Not, “Always look on the bright side of life.”
67. Celebrate the joys of Hanukkah with your very own Menorah Hat.
Ever get the impression that some Jews are trying to make Hanukkah as much like Christmas as possible. Guess they don’t want their kids to be bummed about not celebrating it. Still, this is just too much.
68. Enjoy the Hanukkah season with your Jewish friends by playing No Limits Texas Dreidel.
So you Jewish kids only get 8 gifts for each night of Hanukkah. But at least you get to play a dreidel game involving gambling. So it all ain’t that bad.
69. Watch out, everyone, for here comes the dreaded Nunzilla.
Man, someone must really not had a great experience in Catholic school. Then again, I’m sure the nuns would be offended by this. I know it’s pretty tacky and perpetuates negative stereotypes.
70. Now you can dress up Pope John Paul II with this paper doll book commemorating him.
Okay, I’m sure no kid would want a paper doll book depicting the life and clothes of Pope John Paul II. Seriously, a Virgin Mary paper doll book would be more popular than this. At least she’d have a more diverse wardrobe.
71. Honor the Hindu goddess of destruction with your very own Kali statue.
Okay, Kali isn’t that bad of a goddess in the Hindu pantheon. However, I’m sure she looks pretty silly with her tongue sticking out on this statue.
72. Of course, who could forget the class statue of Buddy Christ?
Yes, Buddy Christ is certainly a classic religious kitsch item, indeed. He’s also among the most amusing as well. Yeah, I can’t help but like this one.
73. Keep your pins righteous with your very own Saint Sebastian pin cushion.
Just because he’s a well known saint who got more arrows shot in his body than Boromir, doesn’t mean you should commemorate his martyrdom with a pin cushion. Seriously, this is fucked up for God’s sake. I mean why?
74. Commemorate the Resurrection with this Jesus statue by Thomas Kinkade.
As far as kitsch goes, I might as well have a whole post of religious kitsch stuff. However, I’ll spare those horrors from my little sister Molly. Don’t want to cause too much pain. And Jesus is going up to heaven like a rocket.
75. Make your night holy by wearing the Thong of Praise.
On second thought, don’t. Seriously, I don’t know if I should be insulted with seeing the Madonna and Child on a pair of skimpy underwear. But I’m shocked that somebody would ever think it was a good idea.
76. Big Head Blue Buddha says, “Peace out, man.”
Now this looks pretty ridiculous and incredibly tacky. But somehow there may be Buddhists who seem to buy it. Of course, some might be a fan of The Smurfs.
77. Remember, Satanists, you can’t worship Satan without purchasing candles with glass holders depicting kitties on them.
For some reason, I don’t equate Satan worship with cute kittens. Then again, to each his own. Still, these are too funny to ignore for this post. But I’m sure there are plenty of cat lovers who worship Satan out there.
78. Defend yourself from intruders with your very own Christian gun.
It’s one of the best state of the art Christian weapons since the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Still, I think this is more of a ceramic sculpture and might not work. Still, since it associates Christianity with firearms, I’m putting it on this post.
79. Seek enlightenment with your very own Buddha Ken Doll.
Apparently, Ken may seem enlightened but he also seems a bit too European for Buddha. Also, the man bun looks very atrocious on him.
80. Miraculously heal wounds with these Jesus adhesive bandages.
Of course, Jesus tended to heal the sick without using these. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy these. And yes, they’re utterly ridiculous as hell. But that’s beside the point.