Monthly Archives: January 2014

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Though I love old movies, I’ve never been such a fan of the horror genre, especially now many nowadays are just slasher movies. Of course, there are a few I actually like but most of them are old school and in black and white classics, and even from them, there are few which are actually scary. Still, despite old horror movies’ inability to scare me, I still enjoy them since they’re quite entertaining and sometimes unintentionally funny. But most movies that actually scare me tend to revolve around psycho killers, especially charming ones many wouldn’t suspect of killing anyone at least in the movie. Then there’s Diabolique which is about a murder plot gone horribly wrong after conducted at near perfect precision. Nevertheless, if you’re in a horror movie, there are plenty of things you could do to make sure what bumps in the night doesn’t get you. However, following these steps doesn’t guarantee your safety but will certainly lessen your chances. Not to mention, be glad you’re not in a war movie since your odds of dying are much higher.

1. If you’re a scientist, doctor, or medical student, don’t conduct secret projects in your basement, especially those which try to defy and/or violate scientific ethics or principles, involve lawbreaking or cruelty to animals, and/or come with consequences you aren’t willing to take responsibility for. (C’mon, we know these experiments will go horribly wrong and the local community will live with the consequences.)

a. If you create a potion, you might want to test it on small animals instead of drinking it yourself to conduct a scientific study analysis. (Because if you take it yourself, you will go insane and inflict your wrath around town before your inevitable death. Look at Dr. Jekyll and the Invisible Man. Women are perfectly fine though since the Invisible Woman actually went on to get married and live happily ever after making invisible babies. Of course, she really wasn’t a monster.)

2. If you’re an archaeologist or part of an archaeology expedition, stay the hell out of Egypt. (Or else, you’ll come across a tomb which is always cursed as well as have a mummy come back to life who may want to take up with your crew’s token female. And he won’t hesitate knocking you off in the process.)

3. Common Sense: learn it, use it, love it.

4. Avoid the following as much as possible: small towns or the middle of nowhere, small town gas stations, eerie barns, old houses with histories, Southern backwoods, forests, old hospitals, basements, run down areas, wax museums, campgrounds, tool sheds, places with one hanging light bulb, naturally creepy places, garages, castles, cemeteries, attics, dark damp places, New England, England, private islands, mom and pop hotels and inns, nuclear facilities, or the Deep South.

5. If you or your wife delivers a stillborn baby, do not consider adopting the orphan baby whose mother died in childbirth at the same hospital to replace it with, no matter how badly you want a kid. (The baby is the spawn of Satan and will amass a considerable body count by the end of the movie, including you, your spouse, and a nanny or two. I mean look what happened to Gregory Peck in The Omen.)

6. If you’re from out of town and looking for a place to stay the night especially during increment weather, stay away from Victorian houses, old creepy mansions, closets, castles, or a motel decorated with taxidermy and run by a socially awkward but seemingly pleasant young man. (I mean c’mon chances are you won’t last the night in any of them. And if you stay in the last one, you will probably be murdered by that seemingly pleasant young man in a dress while you’re taking a shower.)

7. Don’t plan to kill anyone, particularly your spouse, especially with the person your spouse is cheating on you with. (Chances are, your plan will backfire and you’ll be dead by the end even if it at first goes perfectly well.)

8. Be wary around young children who seem like perfect little angels in adult company but are greatly feared among the other kids. (Chances are there is something wrong with them and get to you when it’s too late. Finding out won’t stop them either.)

9. Pay attention to urban legends, ghost stories, town legends, anything related to the occult or superstition, or any other kind of knowledge as the plot demands even if you don’t believe it yourself. (Such knowledge will come in handy later.)

10. Expect the unexpected.

11. If you’re under 40 and/or single, don’t ever have sex or even attempt it until the responsible party is vanquished (assuming you or your love interest isn’t insinuating all this. If so, then break it up now). Doesn’t matter what your gender, your sexual preferences or tastes, whether you use protection, or how much experience you had. As long as there’s something scaring the place, abstinence is your only option. (Otherwise, you will be dead. As for rape victims and prostitutes, I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.)

12. If you’re a young woman, don’t take your clothes off or show your breasts even for bathing or changing into something else, especially in slow motion. (The first woman to lose or remove her clothing dies.)

13. Unless it’s before 1970, don’t use drugs or alcohol. (Because you will end up doing stupid things which will allow the killer to find you, meaning you’re dead. If it’s before 1970, tobacco and alcohol are perfectly fine since everyone basically is using one or the other or both.)

14. Don’t think you can outsmart the killer or even try. (You can’t and you will fail.)

15. If you’re black, make sure you bring a black friend along with you who isn’t played by someone more famous than you are. (The token black person in the group always dies first or somewhere along the line as in Night of the Living Dead when the black guy is killed last by rednecks mistaken him for a zombie. Having such buddy will help you immensely.)

16. Stay away from Satanists. (They are in league with the devil and won’t hesitate to make you part of their plans whether it means to bring Satan to Earth or as a human sacrifice.)

17. If you think the killer is dead, don’t bend over or kneel beside it to make sure. Continuous hacking and shooting as well as setting it on fire are viable options. You need to better be damn sure. (Else, the monster will come back to life and kill you.)

18. For parents: if one of your kids sees something really wrong with a particular person whether it be your sibling, spouse, or some other kid, listen to them for God’s sake. (Or else, you’ll end up like Shelley Winters in The Night of the Hunter.)

19. Don’t even attempt to call anyone for there won’t be any service or reception, the cords will be snipped or the power is out, or there won’t be any phones. Phones aren’t helpful in horror movies. (You’ll be dead if you even answer one.)

20. If you’re confronted by the killer, don’t run up the stairs. (You won’t get out and will be killed.)

21. If you have a job, don’t work the graveyard shift, especially if you work in law-enforcement or as a security guard. (Those people are usually dead in the beginning.)

22. If some seemingly important person who’s well seasoned in these kind of things gives you any advice, listen to them unless doing so would break any other more logical guideline.

23. Make sure your flashlight has a fresh set of batteries or you take a spare pack with you. (Because when those flashlight batteries die, then so will you.)

24. If this is an Edgar Allan Poe story, make sure the house has no torture devices, homicidal freaks, or graves of anyone buried alive. Also, make sure your house doesn’t have any of these. (Else, God help you.)

25. Don’t go anywhere near creepy or strange sounds since they’re distractions. (And the killer will be right behind you.)

26. If it stars Boris Karloff or Vincent Price, you might want to avoid them. (They usually play the bad guys in horror movies and should never be trusted.)

27. Don’t try opening a door that’s been sealed for a long time if you don’t know the reasons behind it. (Chances are it was done for a very good reason.)

28. Don’t get locked in any building or business after hours.

29. Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following:

a. Doors or paper thin walls that can be easily broken down by shambling corpses.

b. Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy-crawlies to ooze freely onto the premises.

c. Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence.

d. Whispering walls.

e. Unusual closets or other alcoves that contain unusual objects or creatures.

f. Storage spaces beneath stairways.

g. Sealed rooms, walled-up doors, tunnels of any sort, and wells that go all the way down to Hell.

h. In regard to basements and attics: make sure nothing has died in either room before you move in.

29. Before you move in, get as much information as you can about the previous tenants. (This will save you much aggravation.)

30. Never stop to pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person. (You will regret it.)

31. Avoid people with the following features: men in black, people with pointy teeth or lots of facial hair, people with pale complexions who moan and sway, anyone frothing at the mouth, painted faces, or anyone with access to virgin’s blood who speaks Latin.

32. Check your nanny’s references before letting her near your kid.

33. If you’re a woman, be sure you’re a good woman and in order to be one you must:

a. Be a natural blonde.

b. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist preferably a world leading expert and perhaps follow in the guy’s footsteps.

c. Don’t wear make-up.

d. Either be a virgin or frigid and make everyone know about it.

e. Be in love with the bad scientist for the first part until he begins to mutate before at all cost switching allegiances to the good scientist.

f. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully.

g. Hang around with the bad woman a lot.

34. If you’re a bad woman, be sure to buddy with the good woman and ready to squash the bad scientist the second his fortunes turn on him.

35. Always pay close attention to the dying words of any scientist, military-heavyweight, or anyone responsible for creating the monster. (It’s the only time they will divulge the vital clue to destroying the evil.)

36. When using the buddy system, make sure the other person is slower, weaker, or dumber than you. (Then it will be him or her who gets killed and not you.)

37. While in a group, sleep in shifts. If alone, drink a lot of coffee. (The monster is very likely to get you while you’re asleep.)

38. Think for your own survival first no matter how close you are to the people you’re with. If you survive, you’ll be on your own anyway. (Friends, family, and enemies are expendable here.)

39. Always listen to usually insane people, particularly little old ladies.

40. Never wear a uniform or a badge. (You’ll die within ten minutes.)

41. If you see inanimate objects come to life and/or attack you and it’s not a Disney movie, run for your life.

42. Never open anything that’s been chained, nailed, welded, wax sealed shut, especially if it’s been hidden for a long time.

43. Don’t read anything aloud or solve any puzzles that open the portals to Hell.

45. Avoid animals exhibiting behavior that wouldn’t be considered normal and perhaps more hostile than usual. (There’s something wrong with them and they will kill if you don’t call Animal Control.)

46. If your pet begins behaving erratically in a particular person’s presence, avoid him or her at all costs, even if he or she’s your spouse, child, or relative.

47. If there’s a demon in your house, call your local exorcist immediately regardless of religious denomination. (He may die but at least you and your family will be okay even if there’s possession involved.)

48. Don’t go to the bathroom even if it’s an emergency. (Relieving yourself will get you killed.)

49. Curiosity kills.

50. For slasher films: unless you’re the blonde virgin girl with the androgynous name, you might want to write your last will and testament since there can be no hope for you.

51. Don’t touch strange looking plants.

52. If your companions begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior like hissing, a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, and increasing hairiness, go away as soon as possible.

53. Stay away from strangers bearing tools such as: chainsaws, staple guns, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws, or any device from deceased companions.

54. If you’re a guy, don’t be the funny smart-ass. (Else, you’ll be dead.)

55. If you’re looking for something that may be dangerous in the house, turn on the lights or use a flashlight. (Monsters only haunt in the dark.)

56. Never babysit or be a camp counselor.

57. If running away from the monster, try to make the least amount of noise as possible, especially if you’re a girl. (Loose lips create stiffs.)

58. Always be superstitious.

59. If it’s Friday the 13th or Halloween, you might want to go into hiding.

60. The monster is never who you think it is.

For More:

Horror Movie Survival Guide: http://www.horrormoviesurvivalguide.com/

From a website: http://www.sff.net/people/Wm.Mark.Simmons/horror.htm

From About.com: http://horror.about.com/od/horrorthemelists/ss/How-to-Survive-a-Horror-Movie.htm

For the Last Time, Snow Doesn’t Disprove Global Warming

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Winter is a time for snow and cold temperatures. And sometimes, winters in my area don’t even have that. However, whenever some kind of blizzard and sub zero temperatures ravage some part of the US, the only people who seem happy are children and global warming deniers. Of course, with kids it’s because school is cancelled and they can play in the snow all they want building snowmen, going sled riding, and having a snowball fight. And those sick with the flu don’t need to worry about catching up with their homework. Still, that doesn’t mean their parents will be so lucky since many will need to go to work, shovel snow from the drive way, or brave the harsh road conditions. Still, at least kids have a reason to love snowstorms which pertains more to their routine than their own convoluted scientific understanding.

Which brings me to the other group, global warming deniers. You see these people on Fox News who try to make any excuse as to why global warming doesn’t exist despite being a broad consensus in the scientific community that it does, especially among climate scientists. Of course, global warming does pertain to the unequivocal and continuing rise in the Earth’s climate system mostly due to man made carbon emissions and greenhouse gases trapped in the Earth’s atmosphere. However, many of these global warming deniers tend to use cold and increment weather as a way to disprove global warming’s very existence as if the scientific community consists of a bunch of idiots. Unfortunately for them, global warming doesn’t work that way. Just because the average global temperature may increase doesn’t necessarily mean warmer winters or warmer weather in general. It just means that global temperature increases may lead to a more disruptive and unstable climate which will lead to long term ecological destruction and consequences from region to region be it rapid melting of glaciers in the polar regions, heatwaves, droughts,  heavy rainfall, ocean acidification, the presence of more destructive storms and hurricanes, rise of sea levels, expansion of subtropical deserts, and mass species extinctions. Oh, and the global temperature doesn’t need to increase by that much either (since the early 20th century the air and sea surface temperature has increased by 1.4 degrees Fahrenheit) and that more serious snowstorms and record low temperatures may also be a leading effect of global warming.

Of course, there have been increasingly warmer winters in recent years and over the past century, but that doesn’t mean that one winter may be warmer as the last. Nor can you disprove the existence of global warming by a single weather event and may make even winter weather events like a polar vortex even worse which may be caused by the exact same weather phenomenon responsible for other extreme weather patterns: melting sea ice. Now as the planet warms, Arctic sea ice melts the northern polar region equalizes a bit with temperatures farther south. This causes the northern latitude jet stream usually holding the far colder Arctic air in place with 100mph winds to slow down. When this happens, pockets of cold are more prone to escape to the south. This year, it’s said that the amount of cold air leaked past the seal is much larger than usual and has pushed farther south. So this means global warming may be the reason why it’s cold outside and not it’s non-existence.

Now many global warming deniers may go on and on how humans can’t change the climate and that climate change may be a natural phenomenon. Of course, there have been plenty of natural climate change phenomenon as we know from prehistoric times. But can man made environmental destruction change climate and weather patterns? Absolutely and it has even in our own time. Non-sustainable agricultural practices in the US and Canadian prairies created the conditions for the large scaled erosion associated with the Dust Bowl of the 1930s. Widespread wolf hunting in Yellowstone National Park led to an overpopulation of elk and nearly diminished the park’s ecology and natural beauty for years until the wolves were brought back. Invasive species have been known to kill many natural wildlife particularly on islands while deforestation can lead to more floods, drought, and soil erosion. CFCs have resulted in a hole in the ozone in Antarctica leading many near the place to be exposed to higher levels of ultraviolet radiation. And pollution not only leads to species endangerment and habitat destruction but also to increased risk of respiratory diseases and possible economic ruin. If you ever think why people would devote their lives to saving a particular animal species is ridiculous, then you don’t understand ecology, my friend. And if humans are capable of disrupting entire ecosystems and environments, then they’re certainly capable of causing climate change which can bring it’s own share of ecological destruction as well. Since global warming leads to more disruptive and unpredictable weather patterns, then its impact on the environment will affect our lives as well. And if we don’t acknowledge its existence or resolve to do something about it, then we might as well plant the seeds of our own destruction.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Valentines Day has never been one of my favorite holidays but is nevertheless one involving card exchanges showing how much we love each other. Previous generations have done the same as well. Of course there are plenty of cute vintage valentines out there while some are kind of a bit, let me just say, strange and probably should never see a mailbox. Besides, may lead to the receiver wondering if their secret admirer has any account for taste or was the designer just on acid. So here is a look at some of the freakiest vintage valentines ever sent in the days of old.

1. Nothing brings the Valentine’s Day spirit  than joking about flagrant white supremacist violence on black people.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I've ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine's Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn't very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

This is perhaps the worst valentine I’ve ever seen and basically goes against everything Valentine’s Day stands for. I mean this depicts a lynching in humorous terms which isn’t very funny at all, especially to African Americans who were frequent targets in the South. Sorry for posting this, NAACP.

2. Nothing says “Be Mine” in the sincerest form than in armed intimidation.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

You aim to please, sure you do. Let me just get the hell out of here when you point that thing at me.

3. Of course, nothing tells your valentine how sweet they are than card depicting a girl in a flaming cauldron.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I'm not sure if any of us would want to be told we're sweet enough to eat.

This is highly suggestive of cannibalism. And I’m not sure if any of us would want to be told we’re sweet enough to eat.

4. Nothing says, Happy Valentine’s Day than saying you’re planning to skin your beloved’s head and offend Native Americans.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I'm so sorry.

The picture is actually fairly inoffensive to Native Americans but the message certainly is. For any Indians reading this, I’m so sorry.

5. Nothing says, “Be Mine” than treating your beloved like cattle.

I'm not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I'm not a cow and branding is for cattle.

I’m not sure I want to try your brand for a while. I’m not a cow and branding is for cattle.

6. Finally, nothing says “Be My Valentine” than your willingness to be fried and served over easy.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

At least these to eggs will be together in whether scrambled, over easy, fried, or made into an omelet.

7. Hunting out for a Valentine, willing to settle for bear.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places.

8. Somehow this valentine highly suggests whether you’re either willing to abduct or just a big devotee of 50 Shades of Grey.

And it's even more disturbing since it's a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

And it’s even more disturbing since it’s a cat being bound to a stool while birds and a mouse look on.

9. Nothing says “Be Mine” than a valentine depicting prehistoric assault.

Somehow I don't see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy's dwelling as anything romantic.

Somehow I don’t see being bonked in the head and dragged to a guy’s dwelling as anything romantic.

10. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than saying “Be mine or I’ll kill myself.”

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

Please give this skunk a reason to live or at least talk him out of shooting himself in the head before he drowns.

11. Happy Valentine’s Day from Captain Sex Offender.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you'll like it or not.

Who will rescue and ravage you with his magic rays whether you’ll like it or not.

12. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Horny Mad Scientist Vampire.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

I wonder if Snape and Lily got together would their kid look like this? Kind of makes me happy she ended up with James Potter.

13. Nothing shows your love on Valentine’s Day than running over your sweetheart.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I'm sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

Because accidents bring people together and keep them that way at least for awhile. Well, I’m not sure about car accidents since running over somebody will get them killed.

14. Happy Valentine’s Day from the creepy kid putting his heart on a platter.

So how is this a Valentine's Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

So how is this a Valentine’s Day card and not one for Halloween? Seems more appropriate for that holiday.

15. Nothing depicts the spirit of Valentine’s Day more than a child ice skating with his humongous shaggy dog.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man's best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

This is pretty disturbing furry action here. Gives man’s best friend an entire creepy new meaning.

16. This says: “Be Mine” or else I’ll rip your teeth out.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don't submit to sender.

Some sadistic dentistry is about to go down here if you don’t submit to sender.

17. Nothing says “I love you” to your sweetheart than suggesting that they’ll go after you with a hammer if you ever try seeing someone else.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

A valentine only appropriate to be sent from your ex with a restraining order.

18. The best way for your sweetheart to be yours is sending a valentine of a creepy clown.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don't think this will help.

This is simply terrifying. Also, there are plenty of people who are afraid of clowns and I don’t think this will help.

19. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than a valentine depicting a creepy girl.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that's not cute at all.

And boy do I mean creepy here. Oh, God, that’s not cute at all.

20. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day” than saying that you’ll do whatever the say.

Jesus, lady, I know you're a waitress but please get a life.

Jesus, lady, I know you’re a waitress but please get a life.

21. Nothing gets in the spirit of Valentines Day than a valentine of a rabid sheep.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

Well, the sheep must have something wrong with it since it only looks like something from your nightmares.

22. Give your sweetheart a valentine of a gangster with a loaded gun and they’ll know you mean business.

And you don't want to say no to a gangster, do you?

And you don’t want to say no to a gangster, do you?

23. A great way to tell your valentine that they’re a hunk of heart of burning love for you.

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That's insane!

Well, maybe Elvis said it better. No need for graphic metaphoric images. Also, a heart house fire, really? That’s insane!

24. If you want to send love to your valentine, then tell them through your ventriloquism.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time.

And that dummy is as creepy as they were in real life at the time. It will certainly give you nightmares.

25. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than a card showing one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

I wonder if guys receiving this may think of one sausage slicing another.

26. Nothing says “Happy Valentines Day” than your willingness to be held at the stocks in public humiliation.

I hear a lot about "taking stock" but this is ridiculous.

I hear a lot about “taking stock” but this is ridiculous.

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy stuck in the ice cube.

I'd much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don't think he can just "thaw out" though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can't describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can't I?

I’d much prefer it would be Han Solo in carbonite, or maybe not. But I don’t think he can just “thaw out” though since Leia had to do that for him. Man, can’t describe this picture without a Star Wars reference can’t I?

28. I knew that Dorothy had it in for the Tin Man.

Please, I don't want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

Please, I don’t want to know the details already. Seems that Oz may be even kinkier than previously thought.

29. You know your dog loves you if he farts in your face as a valentine.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

And yes, dog farts really do stink like that. Still, pretty funny but kind of in bad taste.

30. Happy Valentines Day from the person who caught a contagious heart disease from you.

Hmmm....perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don't let me guess how it's spread.

Hmmm….perhaps the disease may depend on the relationship to the sender. Just don’t let me guess how it’s spread.

31. Happy Valentines Day from the squirrel who wants to kidnap you.

Because he's so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

Because he’s so nuts for you that he needs to be put away somewhere.

32. Nothing says I’ll be your valentine than agreeing to be their mindless mook they don’t have to care about.

Let's just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it's never innocent. Also, you don't want anyone to be your dictator.

Let’s just say when you ask someone to be your dictator, it’s never innocent. Also, you don’t want anyone to be your dictator.

33. Happy Valentines Day from the creepy child in the nail seat.

He's probably screaming from a sore asshole.

He’s probably screaming from a sore asshole.

34. Happy Valentine’s Day, and you’ll be sure you see the point from my Swiss Army Knife.

I'm not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

I’m not sure the blade really makes it seem anything other than threatening.

35. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a young girl suggesting you to do BDSM with her.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I'm not sure this is innocent.

And you thought my generation had problems depicting girls like that. This is pretty disturbing and I’m not sure this is innocent.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from the worm in the rotten apple.

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

At least the worm has good relationship standards. Oh, wait a minute did I just say that?

37. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day than a not so innocent reference to bestiality.

I'm sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her steers or bulls a little too much for her own good.

I’m sure there may be such a thing as a cowgirl loving her little doagies a little too much here.

38. Happy Valentine’s Day from cute artist or creepy psycho killer child with creepy dog.

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

Wait a minute is that paint or blood?

39. Happy Valentine’s Day from Cupid selling the barbecue hearts special.

Something tells me having one's heart on a platter really doesn't suit my stomach right now.

Something tells me having one’s heart on a platter really doesn’t suit my stomach right now.

40. Happy Valentine’s Day from scary and offensive Chinese laundry man.

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

This is very offensive. Besides, why send a valentine of a humiliated Chinese guy who may want to kill you?

41. Happy Valentine’s Day from creepy old dude who may look like Satan.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

Something tells me this woman is seeing the guy just to please her parents. Also, he may want her soul.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day now be my puppet.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

This is pretty disturbing, not cute or wholesome at all.

43. And you thought your doctor was a creep.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

Is that doctor wearing pants, shorts, or underwear because I have a bad feeling about this.

44. A valentine that shows how much you’re willing to hammer it in.

I'm not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

I’m not sure if hammering it in is a good idea right now. Also, seems pretty disturbing.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from the dog gunner with a heart shaped machine gun.

Be his or he'll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

Be his or he’ll blow you up with his heart machine gun.

46. Nothing says “Be my valentine” than seeing someone willing to eat fire for you.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I'm not sure if I'd like someone do that for me.

This is pretty insane and terrifying. I’m not sure if I’d like someone do that for me.

47. Happy Valentine’s Day from the mad cow.

And that cow certainly looks like there's something wrong with it. And please don't feed me its brains.

And that cow certainly looks like there’s something wrong with it. And please don’t feed me its brains.

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your sweetheart or friend with benefits.

Something tells me that "screwy" may not have innocent connotations here.

Something tells me that “screwy” may not have innocent connotations here.

49. Happy Valentine’s Day from the butcher.

And yes, he's got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you're not a vegetarian or vegan.

And yes, he’s got plenty of meats for you to offer. But he hopes you’re not a vegetarian or vegan or he’ll cleave you.

50. Happy Valentine’s Day from Satan.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.

Because even the Prince of Darkness himself needs love. Perhaps you can give him something like your soul for all eternity.

The Coroner Doth Protest Too Much – Questionable Death Verdicts

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

While everyone arrives in this world one way, there are plenty of ways for people to die, just ask the people who do the Darwin Awards. Still, while determining a deceased’s cause of death may be easy in most circumstances especially if we’re well acquainted with them, some aren’t so straightforward. Then there are the cases in which cause of death is highly debatable as well as some that are ruled as one thing but seem almost entirely another. Without further adieu, here are some of the more questionable death verdicts from officials in real stories, historic examples, and urban legends.(I don’t include people who died from mysterious circumstances under modern dictators because we probably know what happened to them. I won’t do recent cases either).

1. The deceased: Bekhter, the ambitious half-brother of Temujin (a. k. a. Genghis Khan as we know him).

Official Cause of Death: Hunting Accident

Reason to suspect otherwise: One source argues that Temujin and his brother Kasar killed Bekhter in which it says that he spied on their outcast family for the Tayichiut tribe who threw them all out a few years ago and hunted Temujin. Also said to have a brother named Begutei who was his half-brother’s loyal friend and assistant. You also have to consider  that Temujin’s father was poisoned when he was nine years old and the tribal politics of the day in which such incidents probably weren’t that uncommon.

Probability: Since this was the 1100s – 1200s in Mongolia we’re talking about, we really can’t be sure. Could be a number of things. Mongols didn’t lead easy lives. Also, hunting was a way of life for them.

Verdict: Indeterminable.

2. The deceased: William II (Rufus), King of England from 1087-1100

Official Cause of Death: Hunting Accident in the New Forest with a crossbow bolt to his lung.

Reason to suspect otherwise: William was a ruthless king (of course most medieval kings had to be) and not well liked from the nobles. Also, it’s said that his hunting buddies abandoned him right afterwards and his body was discovered a few days later by peasants and brought back. Then you have his youngest brother the soon-to-be Henry I Beauclerc who may have been itching for the throne and said to receive cash from his father William the Conqueror instead of the usual land holdings, figuring the kid would eventually end up with everything anyway. Apparently he did. Also, wasn’t uncommon for medieval kings to be killed by family members. May seem a little too convenient.

Probability: Hmm…Well, William did die while he was certainly out hunting with his buddies and they did abandon him. Then again, they may have left him in the New Forest out of being worried about their old holdings. A king’s death might put their feudal claims in jeopardy.

Verdict: Indeterminable.

3. The deceased: An Englishman found in his apartment decapitated by a chainsaw.

Official Cause of Death: Accident for the British police ruled his death as “not suspicious.”

Reason to suspect otherwise: Well, an article says that he was the last tenant in a remaining block of apartments set to be cleared for redevelopment. Also, chainsaw decapitation is usually not self-inflicted.

Probability: Though there have been people who decapitated themselves with a chainsaw in the Darwin Awards (requiring a rare exceptional level of stupidity). So it’s possible but  highly unlikely.

Verdict: I’m fairly 99.9% sure this was murder just by the chainsaw decapitation alone.

4. The deceased: A Russian man fished out from a river wrapped in sellotape and stuffed in a large zipped up sack.

Official Cause of Death: Russian authorities say that the man was standing on a bridge unreeling sellotape. During a sudden gust of wind, the sellotape wrapped against the man resulting in him losing balance and falling over the rail right into the sack hanging on to it. The current dragged the sack downstream after it sunk with the slider caught on a snag and fastening itself. Totally accidental.

Reason to suspect otherwise: That the official version makes less logical sense than supposing he’d been murdered by the Russian organized crime syndicate or by the police who made up this bullshit (since Russia is notorious for having a corrupt police force and that people have dashboard cameras to use as evidence). I think a better death verdict would be that someone seized the man, wrapped him in sellotape and stuffed him in a sack which was fastened before being thrown into the river to drown. Also, why the hell would a guy be unreeling sellotape on a bridge and how could a gust of wind result in the sellotape unwrapping itself? And how could that guy just so happen to fall into a sack which fastened itself? Jesus Christ!

Probability: I don’t know if any medical examiner in the US would look at such a case without suspecting a possible mob hit. I can’t think how such a death could be accidental.

Verdict: Murder. I mean isn’t it obvious?

5. The deceased: Giuseppe Pinelli, suspect of the Piazza Fontana Building, who jumped out of a window after saying “It’s Anarchy’s End!”

Official Cause of Death: Italian police ruled accident.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Well, he kind of made a rousing exclamation before jumping out a window while being a bombing suspect. I would suggest he jumped to his death on purpose to evade capture. Suicide.

Probability: How could anyone actually jump out of a window by accident? Other than a construction worker or something?

Verdict: Most likely a suicide.

6. The deceased: A British spy who who had missing for two years found dead by asphyxiation with a padlocked duffel bag in his bathtub.

Official Cause of Death: One theory says it was a warped case of erotic asphyxiation in which the guy wormed his way into the duffel bag, zipped it all the way up, and padlocked it.

Reason to suspect otherwise: The guy was found like this after being missing for two freaking years! If he really did die by erotic asphyxiation, I think the police would’ve gotten to him a lot sooner wouldn’t they? My guess is that the person with him probably stuffed him in a duffel bag, zipped it all the way up, padlocked it so he wouldn’t get out, and left him there after throwing him in his bathtub. And being a spy, the motives for killing him are endless.

Probability: Well, some people do have kinky sex lives and tend to do kinky stuff solo but really? If he was playing a sex game, surely he wouldn’t be missing for two freaking years!

Verdict: I don’t know about you, but it looks like murder to me.

7. The deceased: Russian Prince Dmitry, youngest son of Czar Ivan the Terrible and possible heir to the throne after his death during the reign of Boyar (noble) Boris Godunov. Found stabbed in the woods at eight years old.

Official Cause of Death: According to Godunov and his official investigators said he accidentally slit his own throat during a seizure.

Reason to suspect otherwise: For one, he was found with a slit throat in the woods. Second, since he was Ivan the Terrible’s son (even though the Russian Orthodox Church saw him as illegitimate) he would have a much better claim to the throne than Boris Godunov (who was only Ivan’s daughter-in-law’s brother). And he had been exiled when Boris became de facto ruler after Ivan’s death. Also, many Russian historians theorize this (since Boris Godunov is a celebrated major figure in Russian history). Not to mention, killing royal brats isn’t very uncommon in Russian history (look at the Romanovs during the Russian Revolution and like Anastasia, Dmitry, too, had his string of impostors).

Probability: Of course, there is a theory he might’ve had a seizure while playing a Russian knife game svaika (don’t try this at home) with him holding the blade toward his neck, but most epileptics experience seizures with their palms wide open making self-infliction highly unlikely.

Verdict: Given the circumstances, it seems more likely Boris had Dmitry assassinated.

8. The deceased: Two teenage boys run over by a train in rural Arkansas.

Official Cause of Death: According to the local coroner, these kids got run over by a train while passed out stoned after smoking two dozen marijuana joints. So totally accidental.

Reason to suspect otherwise: This has been disputed by the train conductor and a second autopsy. The train conductor said that the boys were lined up perfectly parallel to each other so intoxication was highly unlikely. A second autopsy noted that there was barely any marijuana in the boys’ systems and that one of them may have already been dead when the train hit them, suggesting they may have been killed elsewhere and placed on the track to make their deaths look like an accident. Seems like murder to me.

Probability: Of course, people do get run over by trains all the time (I’ve known a few who have). This situation with the boys seems too cut and dry like it was something from Double Indemnity (and yes, that movie involved killing a guy and having him fall off from a train).

Verdict: Murder, plain and simple.

9. The deceased: Abie “Kid Twist” Reles dead after falling out of a window at the Half Moon Hotel in Coney Island in 1941

Official Cause of Death: Police charged with “protecting” him said he fell out the window while trying to get away.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Reles was in the process to testify against his bosses at Murder Inc.- sending several to the electric chair. Seems more plausible that the police may not have been so helpful and probably pushed him out the window or they weren’t doing their jobs.

Probability: Highly unlikely because it seems to have some similarities on how Eva Marie Saint’s brother died in On the Waterfront (and he was also set to testify).

Verdict: Murder, obviously.

10. The deceased: A man found decapitated in Arkansas.

Official Cause of Death: According to a medical examiner, died of perforated ulcer and that a dog ate his head. Still, ruled it as perfectly natural causes.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Decapitation kills a person a lot quicker than a perforated ulcer. I mean, isn’t it obvious. Also, dogs don’t normally eat human heads, unless they’re zombie dogs.

Probability: How does one die of a perforated ulcer after being decapitated? Oh, wait, he doesn’t because he’s already dead by decapitation.

Verdict: Obviously murder. The medical examiner is an idiot.

11. The deceased: King Cleomenes of Sparta, found dead with flesh carved from his legs, hips, and stomach with a bloodstained knife lying next to him.

Official Cause of Death: Everyone agreed he killed himself.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Where to begin? Well, he was exiled for bribing a Delphic Oracle. He intimidated his way back to power threatening rebellion but was accused of insanity by his half-brothers and put in the stocks. Oh, and his skin was carved.

Probability: Really? Does someone really flay their own skin? I don’t think so.

Verdict: Most likely he was murdered and no one wanted to lose theirs since Sparta executed people for saying that.

12. The deceased: A female US Army private who was raped.

Official Cause of Death: According to the Department of Defense, she committed suicide. Their report says she punched herself in the face which resulted in loose front teeth and a broken nose, mutilated her genital area before being douched with acid. After that, she poured a combustible liquid on herself before setting herself on fire and inflicting a shot in her head. She survived long enough to drag herself to a KBR contractor leaving a bloody trail all the way and setting setting his tent ablaze to cover up her own self-inflicted crimes.

Reason to suspect otherwise: It makes more sense that she was raped and murdered by a KBR contractor who shot her in the head an poured gasoline on everything before setting his tent on fire. Seems like too much overkill to be a suicide. It’s not that complicated. Clearly someone must be covering up for KBR at Department of Defense.

Probability: Seriously, this doesn’t hold up to any logic in reality to be a suicide since suicides only require relatively few actions. Besides, no one would put him or herself through that kind of self-mutilation.

Verdict: Rape and murder, obviously.

13. The deceased: French admiral, Pierre-Charles Villeneuve found dead in 1806 at the Hotel de la Patrie in Rennes with seven stab wounds to the chest.

Official Cause of Death: Suicide.

Reason to suspect otherwise: For one, this guy is most famous for losing the Battle of Trafalgar. Also, one stab wound might seem like suicide but seven? Really that’s kind of overkill.

Probability: It’s pretty impossible for someone to stab themselves seven times in the chest. Also, he probably had plenty of people angry with him.

Verdict: Murder.

14. The deceased: Officer Terrence Yeakey.

Official Cause of Death: Suicide. Said he slashed his own hands and throat, crawl a mile or so of rough terrain, and shot himself in the head with the revolver pointing downwards from a distance to get no powder burns.

Reason to suspect otherwise: For God’s sake, the guy was lying dead with slash throat and wrists as well as a bullet to the head with a revolver aimed downwards at considerable distance. Either the guy had extendable elastic arms or was obviously murdered. Also, they didn’t find a gun at the scene of the crime. Also, you couldn’t crawl a mile in rough terrain after slashing your own wrists and throat.

Probability: Highly unlikely that anyone could commit suicide in such fashion.

Verdict: Murder.

15. The deceased: Earl Little, Baptist lay preacher and father of Malcolm X.

Official Cause of Death: Ruled as a suicide in which Little shot himself in the back of the head and tied himself to a railroad. Some say it was a streetcar accident.

Reason to suspect otherwise: Let’s just say, Malcolm X had a good reason to be angry at whites since he had a very shitty childhood which deeply affected him as an adult (though he didn’t advocate violence and was willing to work with Martin Luther King Jr.). His father was a very big influence in his early life and had been active in black pride movements as well as admired Marcus Garvey, though he died when Malcolm was six. Not to mention, various members of the Little family may have been frequent targets of white violence (like Malcolm’s three uncles) and the family had moved three times because of threats from the KKK and the Black Legion. Also, while there was a gunshot wound, there was no gun.

Probability: Malcolm and his family never really believed that Earl died in an accident or killed himself and I might want to take their word on it.

Verdict: Murder, which was probably racially motivated.

16. The deceased: Alexandre Stavisky, early 20th century French embezzler. Found dead from a bullet wound in 1934.

Official Cause of Death: Officially ruled as a suicide. One satirical newspaper said, “Stavisky committed suicide by a bullet which was shot at a 3 meter range (about 10 feet). That’s what you get when you have a long arm.” (a French expression for wielding a lot of wealth and influence.)

Reason to suspect otherwise: The guy was involved in a scandal pertaining to him making deals with government officials and some newspapers have speculated he was shot by police. Also, the guy was killed by a bullet fired ten feet away from him.

Probability: You can’t kill yourself firing a bullet ten feet away from you. There’s just no way.

Verdict: Murder, obviously.