Lucky, Monty has his own suspicions about Stephano. He sees that his new assistant is lousy at herpetology that he might be an impostor. However, while the Baudelaires know that Stephano is Count Olaf, he thinks he’s a spy for the Herpetological Society sent to steal information on the Incredibly Deadly Viper and claim it as his own. Though Monty is right to know that his assistant is up to no good, he’s completely got the wrong end of the stick. When Klaus finally admits that Stephano is Count Olaf, Monty thinks the kid speaking in metaphor. No need to worry, Monty rips up Stephano’s ticket to keep him from coming. So he’ll stay behind to look after the specimens. Later, Stephano tries to kill Monty by throwing Klaus’s large brass reading lamp of his head. Too bad Klaus gets the blame since Monty assumed the lamp was left dangling from the window. Since he pointed out that lamps don’t jump out of windows by themselves. Still, by this time, the Baudelaires believe they’ve got him with Klaus bragging about Monty ripping up his ticket when he should just shut up. Sure he’s a 12-year-old boy. But his comments might give Count Olaf ideas. Since he tells the kids that accidents always happen and that they may lead to changes in plans. He’s up to something and they’re in trouble now.

I think a good song for Klaus here would be a variation of “Mama Told Me (Not to Come)” which was originally recorded by Eric Burdon and The Animals but its best know version is by Three Dog Night. Interestingly, it was written by Randy Newman back in 1966. Yes, that Randy Newman. Anyway, the original version revolves around the Los Angeles music scene of the late 1960s. Its central character is a straight-laced young man recounting his first “wild” party in the big city. He is shocked and appalled by all the cigarette-smoking, whiskey-drinking, and loud music, recalling his “mama told [him] not to come.” In this version, I have Klaus shooting his big mouth off at Count Olaf recounting the Baudelaires’ conversation with Uncle Monty who won’t be alive for long. Because Lemony Snicket warned us before multiple times.

“Monty Told You (Not to Come)”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

Uncle Monty quite suspicious since
You’re a creepy guy
So to get it off his chest he had us converse outside
Funny, he thinks you’re a Herpetological spy
To steal his harmless snake under his very eyes

Monty told you not to come
Monty told you not to come
“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”

When I finally told Monty about you truly are
He thought that I was just being sort of metaphorical
Though he took out and ripped your Prospero ticket to Peru
So during our vacation, sucker, you’ll be keeping zoo

Monty told you not to come
Monty told you not to come
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”

Seems you overheard since you dropped my reading lamp
Yet, you’re blaming me for the incident, you filthy scamp
While accidents happen and plans can always change
But at least there’s no way you’re going on this train

Monty told you not to come
Monty told you not to come
He said, “He ain’t a man you can trust, son”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”

“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”

“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, no”
“He ain’t a man you can trust, son”

Unfortunately, when Uncle Monty arrives, he doesn’t initially realize that Stephano isn’t the lab assistant he portrays himself to be. But the Baudelaires are at a loss of what to do about it. They know they should tell Uncle Monty yet he’s either not paying much attention to them at the moment or Stephano is around with a big knife to make sure they don’t. Whether it’s rubbing a knife on Violet’s knee during dinner, peering through his window, or smashing a large brass reading lamp over Monty’s head and blaming Klaus over it, his presence is almost inescapable. And it’s enough to drain their enthusiasm for the Reptile Room and living with Uncle Monty. And it doesn’t help that the adults around them didn’t seem to get the memo the first time.

Perhaps a good song for their predicament would be, “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” from The Sound of Music. Though the original version pertains to nuns complaining how Fraulein Maria doesn’t exactly fit in to the nunnery and is better off spending time looking after a widowed captain’s kids. In this version, Violet and Klaus frustratingly struggle to find ways to tell Uncle Monty about his shady lab assistant.

“How Do You Solve a Problem Like Count Olaf?”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
He portrays an Italian lab assistant
With a skullcap on his hair
He talks in an offensive accent
That’d make Don Vito gape and stare
And he’s sporting a long beard
That makes him surely mad
But we all know that he is just a phony

Klaus:
He’s always late for lab work
But he’s always there to steal
He’s always late for everything
Except for every meal
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Stephano’s not an asset to Montgomery

If Uncle Monty’ doesn’t see through his spiel
He’s going to get him killed

Violet and Klaus:
How do you solve a problem like Count Olaf?
How do you convince Monty and pin him down?
How do you find a way to expose Count Olaf?
To convince adults who thinks he’s not around

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing that’s better left unsaid
But how do you reveal the Count
In order to get him out
How do you make sure he goes jail?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Count Olaf?
When adults don’t listen to what you say?

Klaus:
When I’m with him I’m angry
Filled with fear and constant dread
Though he’s dumb but certainly no fool
Unpredictable as weather
His scheming’s awfully clever
He’s a con man! He’s a demon! He’s a sham!

He’d outcon any scam
Put a gangster on the lam
He’d gleefully steal from babies and the old
He is evil! He is greedy!
He’s a riddler! He’s a devil!
He’s a killer! He’s a schemer!
He’s a fraud!

Violet and Klaus:
How do you solve a problem like Count Olaf?
How do you convince Monty and pin him down?
How do you find a way to expose Count Olaf?
To convince adults who thinks he’s not around

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing that’s better left unsaid
But how do you reveal the count
In order to get him out
How do you make sure he goes jail?

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Count Olaf?
When adults don’t listen to what you say?

Just when you think the Baudelaire children are safe from Count Olaf, he shows up at their doorstep. This time in the guise of a bald-headed and long bearded lab assistant, Stephano. Once he arrives, he wastes no time belittling the children and threatening to cut off one of Sunny’s little toes. Nonetheless, having Count Olaf back in their lives isn’t good news to the Baudelaires who remember how he terrorized them in the previous book. They don’t know how he’s found them. But they have an idea on what he’s going to do to them now that he has. Since whenever Count Olaf’s around, it won’t be good.

A good song to mark Stephano’s introduction would be Elton John’s “The Bitch Is Back.” Written by his songwriter partner, Bernie Taupin, it’s essentially a parody of John’s celebrity lifestyle and is considered one of his best hard rock cuts. In this version, I have Count Olaf threatening the orphans before Uncle Monty arrives from a shopping trip. Still, to imagine him dancing with a knife while singing this song a la Elton John is kind of hilarious. But not to the Baudelaires.

“The Bitch Is Back” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf (as Stephano)

I was justified when I was five
Raising Cain, I spit in your eye
Hello, midgets, now you let me get in
Or you’re gonna get the knife because the bitch is back

Violet, still the same stubborn gal
Klaus, your frames are an idiotic sight
Sunny, how’s it like having nine small toes
Oh, you got ten yet I can easily cut one of those

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
‘Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

I entertain by picking brains
Set my sights on financial gains
I don’t like those, my God, what’s that
Oh I’m full of nasty habits when the bitch is back

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
‘Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
‘Cause I’m better than you
It’s the way that I move
The things that I do

Bitch bitch, bitch is back
Bitch bitch, bitch is back
Bitch bitch, bitch is back
Bitch bitch, bitch is back

Before we get back to the story, perhaps we can take a look at Klaus Baudelaire. As the middle child and only boy, he’s very intelligent and loves reading books more than anything. Though he resembles Harry Potter in the illustrations and TV show, he serves as the siblings’ resident Hermione Granger. In fact, despite being 12 at the series’ start, he’s read more books than most people do in a lifetime. He read a pretty great deal of the Baudelaire private library before a fire destroyed it. And he’ll read whatever he could get his hands on. Klaus’s idea of a good time is nothing more than a good book, a comfy chair, and the warm glow of a reading lamp. Thanks to his photographic memory, he’s always there to help his sisters with whatever they don’t understand, which has aided them immensely. Doesn’t hurt that he thinks if you read enough books, you can solve any problem. Too bad all the knowledge in the world won’t keep them away from Count Olaf going after them or being failed by most adults in their lives. Nevertheless, while Klaus is often polite, he has a tendency to correct people when they’re wrong which can come across as rude.

A perfect song characterizing Klaus would be the “Major General’s Song” from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance, which is their biggest hit to date. The original version is sung by the long-winded Major General Stanley listing all the stuff he knows, eventually summing up with a long verse about his complete and utter lack of military knowledge. I mean the guy can’t tell the difference between a rifle and a javelin. Though he’s an expert in “all fights historical” with Waterloo being the most recent he knows, which took place 60 years before the play premiered. Yet, what’s interesting about Major General Stanley, is that he’s based on real life General (later Field Marshal) Sir Garnet Wolseley. But unlike his fictional counterpart, Wolsely was an excellent administrator, a good field commander, something of a Renaissance man, wrote several books on military history, and was a main driving force behind a set of reforms that abolished flogging in the British Army. Fortunately for Gilbert and Sullivan, he found the whole song very funny and would sing this song to amuse friends at parties. With this song, I leave out the whole, “I don’t know much about military tactics” stuff. Because I think Klaus would know way more about military stuff than Major General Stanley.

“Child Intellectual Song”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
I am the very model of a modern child intellectual
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

Violet:
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypoten-potenuse

Klaus:
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern child intellectual

Violet:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern child intellectual

Klaus:
I know our mythic history, King Arthur’s and Sir Caradoc’s
I answer hard acrostics, I’ve a pretty taste for paradox
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes
Then I can hum a fugue of which I’ve heard the music’s din afore
And quote all the verse from the infernal nonsense Edgar Guest

Violet:
And quote all the verse from the infernal nonsense Edgar Guest
And quote all the verse from the infernal nonsense Edgar Guest
And quote all the verse from the infernal nonsense Edgar Guest

Klaus:
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
And tell you every detail of Caractacus’s uniform
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern child intellectual

Violet:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern child intellectual

Klaus:
In fact, I would’ve surely read all the books in my parents’ library
If the Baudelaire mansion’s end was less than fiery
My memory is about as detailed and precise as a photograph
My vast array of knowledge is extensively encyclopediac
I’ll gladly do exhaustive research on South America and herpetology
As well as how to avoid Peruvian drug lords just if there’s a need
And perhaps on tropical diseases and medicinal remedies
You’ll say there’s no better child intellectual than me

Violet:
You’ll say there’s no better child intellectual than he
You’ll say there’s no better child intellectual than he
You’ll say there’s no better child intellectual than he, than he

Klaus:
For my engineering knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury
Is sufficient, but actual tinkering is basically my sister’s specialty
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern child intellectual

Violet:
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern child intellectual

In The Reptile Room, the Baudelaires’ next guardian is a noted herpetologist Dr. Montgomery Montgomery who’s said to be their “late father’s cousin’s wife’s brother.” Unlike their previous guardian Count Olaf, Uncle Monty is a much more friendly man who invites the kids to coconut cake (or carrots in Sunny’s case) as well as gives them free rein of the house. He then shows the children his collection to a giant hall called the reptile room where they meet a snake he recently discovered called “The Incredibly Deadly Viper.” But don’t worry, its name is a misnomer since its completely harmless as a prank to avenge those at the Herpetological Society who make fun of his name. Besides, it becomes fast friends with Sunny. He also tells the kids that they’ll be going to an expedition to Peru once his new assistant Stephano shows up, since the previous guy abruptly resigned (actually he was murdered). And he gives each Baudelaire new jobs such as inventing traps for Violet, reading snake books for Klaus, and biting rope to usable pieces for Sunny.

A good song for this time would be “A Whole New World” from Disney’s Aladdin. The original version has Aladdin and Jasmine take a magic carpet ride under the stars in a heartfelt duet. And it’s one of the best-known songs from the film. In this version, I have Uncle Monty introduce the Baudelaire children to the reptile room and its contents.

“A Whole Snake World”

Sung by Dr. Montgomery and the Baudelaires

Dr. Montgomery:
Let me show you my lab
Crawling, slithering, snake things
Tell me, children, now when did
You last see these reptilians?

Let me open your eyes
Show you wonder by wonder
Cobras, pythons, and vipers
In my large menagerie

A whole snake world
A grand fantastic point of view
In my reptile room
Please hold them, too
And help me with their feeding

A whole snake world
A dazzling place you never knew
But while you stay in here
It’s gloves you wear
Since some of these can kill you when they bite

Violet: Sunny, don’t go near that deadly viper

Dr. Montgomery:
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable creatures
Check my latest discovery
My Incredibly Deadly Viper guy

Dr. Montgomery: A whole snake world

Klaus: Don’t you dare close your eyes

Dr. Montgomery: A hundred thousand things to see
Violet: Oh, my God, that thing bit Sunny

Dr. Montgomery:
It’s alright she’ll be fine
It can’t hurt a fly
I’m named it just to troll my colleagues

Dr. Montgomery: A whole new world
Klaus: Every turn, a surprise
Dr. Montgomery: With new horizons to pursue
Violet: Well, at least this is better

Dr. Montgomery:
You’ll find snakes everywhere
There’s time to spare
So I’ll take you down on a trip down to Peru

Dr. Montgomery: A whole snake world
Violet: A whole snake world
Dr. Montgomery: That’s where we’ll be
Klaus: That’s where we’ll be
Dr. Montgomery: A wondrous place
Violet: A better place
Dr. Montgomery: For you and me

The plot of The Reptile Room is quite a sad one since it involves the Baudelaires living with the herpetologist Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. He is a kindly man who treats the kids to coconut cake and a carrot as well as gives them free rein in the house. He even insists they call him “Uncle Monty.” You almost think this arrangement will work out and the Baudelaires will finally have a home. But it doesn’t last since Count Olaf  shows up in disguise and murders him. Then again, this is A Series of Unfortunate Events so you might expect this. But they aren’t the only ones whose lives has gone wrong when things seemed going so good. Lemony Snicket once had a steady job at the Daily Punctilio, a home, and a woman named Beatrice he almost married. But soon he got framed for a series of crimes, got fired from his job, and had Beatrice dump him for a mutual friend before dying in a fire which he never got over.

An appropriate song for Lemony Snicket here would be “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables. The original version has Fantine recounting her time with Cosette’s father before the guy abandoned her while pregnant and with no place to go. At this point, Fantine has been fired from her factory job while trying to support her daughter (which was due to a foreman sexually harassing her). Now she’s unemployed and destitute with her hair cut, 2 teeth pulled out, and working as a prostitute. And she wonders what went wrong in her life. In this version, has Snicket does the same, but at least he knows what messed up his.

“I Dreamed a Dream” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Lemony Snicket

There was a time when adults were sane,
When their voices were clear
And their words upstanding.
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting.
There was a time
Then it all went wrong.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid
And our lives were yet to be created
There were no crimes to be framed
No song unsung
No wine untasted.

But the tigers come at night
Alleging you for crimes like murder
As they tear your life apart
As they smear your honest name.
She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days
With endless wonder
She took my childhood in her stride
But I was gone when autumn came.

And still I dream she’ll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather.

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.