Just as everything seems to go to hell, Violet throws a wrench in Count Olaf’s scheme by signing the marriage document with her left hand instead of her right. Though to be fair, she could’ve easily got out of being a miserable contessa by simply saying she was forced into and being 14 years old. Besides, most places don’t consider a marriage between a teen girl and her legal guardian lawful anyway. Though to be fair, the Netflix series did say the Marvelous Marriage was a plot, “that’s not quite lawful.” Anyway, Justice Strauss invalidates the marriage and everyone in the theater is horrified that the evil count loses custody. But before Count Olaf and his crew can be arrested, one of his associates turns off the theater lights and escapes. But not before whispering into Violet’s ear telling her that he’ll kill her and her siblings.

For the number he sings before disappearing, I have Count Olaf singing “You’ll Be Back” from Hamilton. The original version has King George III singing in a Beatlesque fashion and an extended double entendre. It addresses the colonists’ grievances and asserts King George’s authority, but in a way echoing song with the creepy “you want to leave me, but can’t really” vibe. Still, it’s perfect for such a memorable villain like Count Olaf since he’s a guy who the Baudelaires could never shake off.

“I’ll Be Back”

Sung by Count Olaf

You say the price of my love’s not a price that you’re willing to pay
You cry cause I tried to wed you for cash when you’re only fourteen
Why so sad?
Remember we made an arrangement when you came to stay
Now you’re making me mad
Remember despite our estrangement, I’m your man

I’ll be back
Soon you’ll see
You’ll remember you belong to me
I’ll be back
Time will tell
And I’ll make your lives a living hell

Curtains rise, curtains fall
We have seen each other through it all
And when push comes to shove,
I will steal your large family fortune to remind you of my love

Da dada da da
Da dadada dayada
Dada da da dayada

Da dada da da
Da dadada dayada
Dada da da da

You say the money’s off limits and I can’t go on
But I’ll be laughing to the bank when you are gone
And, no, don’t change the subject
‘Cause you’re my favorite orphans
My spoiled, dismissive orphans
My disloyal, bratty orphans
Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever

I’ll be back
Like before
I will fight the fight and win the war
For your love
For your praise
And I’ll love you till my dying days

When you’re gone, I’ll go mad
Since I’ll have a ton of cash at hand
‘Cause when push comes to shove
I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love

Da dada da da
Da dadada dayada
Dada da da dayada

Da dada da da
Da dadada dayada
Dada da

Everybody!

Da dada da da
Da dadada dayada
Dada da da dayada

Da dada da da
Da dadada dayada
Dadada da da dayada