Once the Baudelaires receive the last couplet from Hector, Klaus smiles since it allows him to figure out where the Quagmires are hiding. He finds that the first letter of each line on Isadora’s couplets spells out the word “Fountain” indicating that Count Olaf had hidden their friends inside the recently constructed Fowl Fountain. Running out of time, they use the wooden bench to ram into the weakened wall to break the wall open. They escape the prison and go to the Fowl Fountain where Sunny presses the crow eye button freeing the Quagmires who are both wet but their notebooks are intact. Duncan and Isadora explained that Count Olaf locked them in the tower at his house before having his associates build the Fowl Fountain to imprison them. For 4 days, the Quagmires attached a couplet to a crow’s feet every morning, which fell off the Nevermore Tree when the paper was dry. They also tell the Baudelaires that the murdered man was Jacques Snicket. However, the mob is catching up to them and they need to run. Hope Hector can get his hot air mobile home up and running in time.

The song I chose here is “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor which was also the theme song for Rocky III. It’s often used during training or fighting montages in movies. Though its original meaning goes around surviving through combat as far as I know. In this version, I have Klaus figure out the couplets, the children breaking out of the prison, and saving the Quagmires.

“Eye of the Fountain”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
Hector gave us the last scroll
Laid out all of the couplets
Now as you two try to break through the wall
I know find where our friends hide

The first letters of each scroll verse
Spells out the word “Fountain”
They couldn’t speak to us until light of dawn
They’re in town and held up inside

In the eye of the fountain
In the center of town
Where we’ll our friends, the Quagmires
That’s where they’re hiding
So let’s go at first light
So we’ll rescue our friends from the eye of the fountain

Violet:
Now it’s dawn, think something quick
Cause they’ll be here any moment
This bench as a ram might just do the trick
Make a hole so we can get out and fly

To the eye of the fountain
In the center of town
Where we’ll our friends, the Quagmires
That’s where they’re hiding
So let’s go at first light
So we’ll rescue our friends from the eye of the fountain

Klaus:
Running out, straight to the square
Get to the Fowl Fountain
How to get the Quagmires out of there
And to open the fountain they hide

It’s the eye of the fountain
In the center of town
Where we’ll our friends, the Quagmires
That’s where they’re hiding
So let’s go at first light
So we’ll rescue our friends from the eye of the fountain

Both:
The eye of the fountain
The eye of the fountain
The eye of the fountain
The eye of the fountain

At dawn, Hector comes to the Deluxe Cell in the prison to visit the Baudelaires right before they’re due to be burned at the stake. Of course, he’s not able to help them get out of the jail since he’s too much of a wuss to speak in front of the Council of Elders. Though he still planned to help as he’s getting ready to leave in the self-sustaining hot air mobile home that afternoon, just in case they escape and need a fast getaway. He also gives them the final Isadora couplet reading: “Inside these letters the eye will see,/Nearby are your friends and V.F.D.” which is the most useful thing he’s done in this scene.

The song I went with here is Bob Dylan’s “Dear Landlord” which appeared in the John Wesley Harding album. As with most of his songs, we’re not sure if the financially embattled narrator’s asking his landlord to give him some slack on his rent during a dispute. Though he understands his landlord is suffering as well. He can also be about working through his cathartic emotions after falling out with his manager Albert Grossman who Dylan came to believe was ripping him off both financially and personally. Some even contend it’s Dylan praying to God to spare his life. In this version, I have the Baudelaires begging Hector to convince the Council of Elders of their innocence. Since Hector is the only adult in the town who knows they didn’t kill anyone.

“Dear Hector”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Dear Hector
Please don’t throw a towel on our souls
Our burden is heavy
Our fate is beyond control
When that sun rises tomorrow morn
They’re gonna burn us at the stake
And I hope you don’t let us down
Since you know we Baudelaires are innocent.

Klaus:
Dear Hector
Please heed these words that I speak
You know we’ve suffered much
But your words can let us go free
All of us, you know have rock solid alibis
We’re not trying to ask for too much
Cause we’re all not killers
So please grow a pair and find a way to save us.

Violet:
Dear Hector
Please don’t dismiss our case
I’m not about to argue
We’re not about to move to no other place
You have your hot air home ready to go
Though our school friends still need rescued
And if you don’t underestimate us
We won’t underestimate you.

While Count Olaf offers to save one of the children to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune, the children refuse. To make matters even more depressing, Klaus releases it’s his 13th birthday which everyone completely forgot about. Mostly because the kids are being held in a prison cell for murder. But like any teenage boy or girl, he wished to spend his birthday outside a deluxe prison cell and not awaiting to be burned at the stake the next day. But once Officer Luciana gives the Baudelaires bread and water, Violet gets an idea. After tying her hair in a ribbon, she takes a bench, pours the water on some wearing mortar, and uses the bread as a sponge. The process may take several hours but at least it’s something.

The song I chose here is David Bowie’s “Rebel, Rebel” from his Ziggy Stardust during the 1970s. The original version is known for its gender-bending lyrics. Yet, in this version, I have Violet trying to break down the mortar in a prison wall so she and her siblings can escape.

“Bread and Water”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

We’ve got to break out of this cell
For tomorrow, we’ll be burned to hell
Don’t fear, it’s quite alright
With these, let’s break out tonight

Klaus, go stand, I need that bench
I can use this thing to make a ramp
We’ll need help now, we need it bad
This tray has what I need and fast

The bread is hard, it may take long
But in a cell, you take what’s on

Bread and water, it may be all
Bread and water, we’ll break that wall
Bread and water, let’s hit the spot
Pour out, we’ll soon get out

Won’t we?

My bad, you’ve turned thirteen
For we’ve forgotten from where we’ve been
Smile Klaus, it’ll be alright
With these, we’ll break out tonight

I’ll pour water on the bench
To the weak spot on the brick wall
To loosen bricks as the mortar wears
Since water erodes clay, dirt, and rocks

With the bread sponge, we’ll soak it in
Klaus and Sunny, please pitch in

Bread and water, it may be all
Bread and water, we’ll break that wall
Bread and water, let’s hit the spot
Pour out, we’ll soon get out

Won’t we?
Uh

Bread and water, it may be all
Bread and water, we’ll break that wall
Bread and water, let’s hit the spot
Pour out, we’ll soon get out
Won’t we?

It may be all
We’ll break that wall
It may take all day, but we’ll get out and escape
I’ve got the bench, bread, water, and a worn wall
It may be slow but there’s no way to go
Cause the adults are all a bunch of useless tools
Water’ll wear the bricks
Hope that does the trick
Because V.F.D.’s full of dicks
If there’s little time to cram
Use bench as battering ram

So what you wanna know?
Calamity’s children, chi-childr, chi-childr
Where’d you wanna go?
What can I do for you?
Looks like you’ve been there too
Cause it may be all
And we’re breaking the wall
Ooo, we’re breaking the wall
Ooo, ooo, so we’re hitting the spot?
Eh, he, we’re hitting the spot?
Eh, eh

As chief of police in V.F.D. Officer Luciana is the main law enforcement official who arrests the Baudelaires and keeps them in the Deluxe Cell at the Uptown Jail. Unfortunately, she’s actually Esme Squalor in disguise and is in V.F.D. to assist Count Olaf with killing Jacques Snicket and frame the kids for his murder. But since she spends most of the novel wearing a police helmet with a visor covering her eyes, nobody can positively identify her until the end. Yet, in the TV show, it’s clear Officer Luciana is Esme and her outfit is perhaps the most unbecoming of any police officer (Italian accent aside). I mean if Gwen Stefani was a police officer, she would dress like Officer Luciana in the Netflix series. Bright red knee high boots and all.

I chose Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” for Esme in her Officer Luciana disguise. In the original version, the girl tells the guy he’s no good and she’ll make him regret his treatment of her. In this version, I have Esme intimidate the Baudelaires from a barred window if they ever dare cross her.

“These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Esme Squalor (as Officer Luciana)

You keep saying you didn’t kill Count Omar
But I think you three are full of shit
Dupin has found your ribbon, lens, and bite marks,
And such evidence is incredibly hard to miss

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
Yeah

You keep lying when you oughta be truthin’
And you keep losin’ when you oughta not bet
You killed Omar and nothing’s gonna change that
Now what’s right is right, but you ain’t been right yet

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

I’ll escort all you three towards the stake tomorrow
And you keep thinkin’ that you’ll never get burned, ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches, yeah
And what they know, you ain’t had time to learn

These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

Are you ready boots?
Start walkin’!

From the moment Count Olaf pins his own murder on the Baudelaires, the kids call on Hector to defend them. Since he was the only adult who was with them that night, making him their only hope for an alibi. First, Hector is nervous around the townspeople, particularly the Council of Elders. So he can’t say anything in their defense. Secondly, he and the Baudelaires were doing quite a lot of illegal things the previous night like repairing his hot air mobile home and looking up info in his secret library. Since the townspeople don’t know about Hector’s secret library and workshop, such testimony is unlikely to convince the townspeople, especially if it comes from Violet and Klaus’s mouths. The village of V.F.D. disowns them while the Council of Elders schedules to burn them at the stake the following day. Because the townspeople are crazy and don’t believe in a concept known as due process or innocent until proven guilty.

For Baudelaires’ pleading to Hector, I went with “Tell Her About It” by Billy Joel. Of course, in this version, Joel is telling any guy listening to him to tell the girl they care about how they feel. It even has its own 1980s musical video depicting Joel with his band on the 1963 Ed Sullivan show as B.J. and the Affordables. In this version, the Baudelaires are pleading to Hector to vouch for them because their lives depend on his testimony. Too bad Hector is too nervous to come through. To be fair, I think I’m having a little too much fun with this considering the song parody selection.

“Tell Them About It”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Please Hector
We don’t want to have our young lives
Burn away
We all have solid alibis
You can vouch for so we’re not burned at
The stake
We’re all real nice kids
And we’d never hurt a fly
But they won’t believe us as they see us full of lies

Klaus:
Please Hector
I’m sure that you sure can get it all
Under control
I know the Elders may scare you now
But you got to grow some balls
You’re a good man now
Please never let us go
But you got to tell the Elders what
They ought to know

Both:
Tell them about it
Tell them where we were last night
Give them every reason to accept
Our alibis

Tell them about it
Tell them we were with you
Don’t need to give details
Let them know we’ve told the truth

Klaus:
Please Hector
It’s not automatically a certain guarantee
To save our lives
You’ve got to provide communication for once please
Cause when we do that
The adults always ignore
And there’s only one good way
To reassure

Both:
Tell them about it
Let them know we weren’t near
Tell them what we were doing
Don’t be held back by your fears

Tell them about it
So we all can go free
Please try to convince them
Give them something to believe

Violet:
Cause pretty soon
They’ll get to kindling
Just because you didn’t speak up
For us now
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when we’re gone

Klaus:
Please Hector
It’s good information from a boy
Who’s made mistakes
Just a word or two that they get from you
Could be the difference that it makes

They just trust adults
They’ll put their trust in you
But if you don’t tell them now we won’t
Know what to do

Both:
Tell them about it
Tell them where we were last night
Give them every reason to accept
Our alibis

Tell them about it
Tell them we were with you
Don’t need to give details
Let them know we’ve told the truth

Tell them about it
Tell them we were with you
Tell them about it
The Elders won’t wait too long
You got to tell them about it
Tell them now and you won’t go wrong
You got to tell them about it
Before it gets too late
You got to tell them about it
You know they’ll burn us at
The stake, you got to
Tell them about it

Tragically, the next morning all of Klaus’ research into rule #2,493 and mob psychology prove fruitless in saving Jacques Snicket’s life. Just as Klaus takes the lead, Officer Luciana points out that Jacques is lying on the floor covered in a white sheet, indicating he’s dead. It’s fairly clear that Jacques had been mysteriously murdered the night before though everyone still thinks he’s Count Olaf or Count Omar. But things get worse for the Baudelaires as a flashy dressed man named Detective Dupin shows up to investigate. Yet, the kids instantly recognize him as Count Olaf in disguise. Dupin then decides that the Baudelaires are suspects and goes to ridiculous lengths to frame them such as producing a flowery ribbon to show Violet was there, a glasses lens to show Klaus was there, and fake bite marks on Jacques’ body to pin on Sunny. It’s a very flimsy case since Violet has her own ribbon, Klaus’s glasses are intact, and I’m sure Sunny’s teeth don’t resemble an end of the object Count Olaf hit Jacques with. However, despite that the Baudelaires have rock solid alibis that they were at Hector’s the whole night, the V.F.D. villagers believe Dupin hook, line, and sinker. Officer Luciana promptly arrests the kids and puts them in the Deluxe Cell at the Uptown Jail. Still, if the Baudelaires did kill Count Olaf, would anyone blame them? Of course not. Since killing him for them would qualify as justifiable homicide.

For this part, I went with “Ya Got Trouble” from The Music Man. In the original version, Harold Hill uses the new pool table in River City to convince the townspeople that such activities will lead their kids to inevitable moral decay and corruption. This as part of his con with his boy band scheme. In this version, I have Count Olaf frame the Baudelaires for killing him (since the residents of V.F.D. think Jacques Snicket is the notorious Count). Sure it’s not in Dupin’s “cool” shtick, but it’s a more upbeat song that makes one of the most harrowing moments in the whole series a fun romp than a tragic turning point that will turn them fugitives for the rest of the books.

“Ya Got Trouble” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf (as Detective Dupin)

Count Olaf:
Well, either you’re closing your eyes
To a situation you do now wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
By the presence of these orphans in your community.
You got trouble, my friend, right here,
I say, trouble right here in V.F.D.
Why sure I’m a police detective,
Certainly mighty proud I say
I’m always mighty proud to say it.
But during the hours overnight
Count Olaf was viciously murdered
But sadly didn’t put up a fight
I’m a cool head and a key eye.
Ever know who’d wear this
Or who’d need a bifocal lens
Or leave teeth marks on the corpse?
But just as I say,
It takes judgement, brains, and maturity to score
In a big-name case,
I say that any boob can take
A gun to shoot in the back.
But I call that sloth.
The oldest wears a ribbon
When she’s thinking of a scheme
The boy’s a bookish kid who needs glasses
But has wicked smarts.
And the baby loves to bite
With gnashing canine jaws
Puncturing flesh.
With evidence I’ve presented to you
Implicating these three kids as killers.
An implausible murder scheme? No!
But a scheme that’s oddly insidious to picture!
Like a gruesome gory Grimm fairy tale
Quite a night mare? Make your blood boil?
Well, I should say.
Now friends, let me tell you what I mean.
You’ve got one, two, three orphans in this crow village
Orphans who want Olaf’s head
That they can kick around for fun
With a capital “B,”
And that rhymes with “Hair” and that stands for Baudelaire!
Though I must surely concede
Count Olaf’s a remarkable actor
I say Count Olaf’s an actor!
An amazingly handsome talent with charm and kindness, too!
A genius of the theater
Who’ll surely be dearly missed by all
By the theater, the critics, and the saddened public
A genius of the highest regard
Til the orphans got him in prison with his pants down
On a Saturday night and that’s trouble,
Oh, yes we got lots and lots a’ trouble.
I’m thinking of your kids in the knickerbockers,
Shirt-tail young ones, walking along the street
Oh, sidewalks after school, you got trouble!, folks!
Right here in V.F.D!
Trouble with a capital “B”
And that rhymes with “Hair” and that stands for Baudelaire!
Now, I know all you folks are the right kind of parents.
I’m gonna be perfectly frank.
Would ya like to know what kind of children goes
On killing while they’re loafing around the jail?
They’re trying out reading, trying out science,
Trying out inventions like engineering fiends!
And bragging all about
How they’re gonna read “The Tell-Tale Heart” by Edgar Allan Poe
One fine night, they leave the prison,
Heading for the dance at the Armory!
Libertine men and scarlet women!
And opera, shameless music
That’ll grab your son and your daughter
With the mind of an intellectual instinct!
Mas-steria!
Friends, the active brain is the devil’s playground! Trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
Oh we got trouble,

Count Olaf:
Right here in V.F.D!

V.F.D. Residents:
Right here in V.F.D!

Count Olaf:
With a capital “B”
That rhymes with “Hair”
And that stands for Baudelaire,

V.F.D. Residents:
Baudelaire

Count Olaf:
We’ve surely got trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
We’ve surely got trouble!

Count Olaf:
Right here in V.F.D,

V.F.D. Residents:
Right here!

Count Olaf:
Gotta figure out a way
To preserve the young one’s safety after school!

V.F.D. Residents:
Our children’s children gonna have Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble…

Count Olaf:
Mothers of V.F.D!
Heed the warning before it’s too late!
Watch for the tell-tale sign of corruption!
The moment your child leaves the house,
Does he read encyclopedias when his time is free?
Is there a petroleum stain on her index finger?
A monkey wrench hidden in his night stand?
Is she starting to memorize poetry from
Captain Billy’s Whiz Bag?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like ‘inordinate?”
And ‘pandemonium?”
Well, if so my friends,
Ya got trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
Oh we got trouble,

Count Olaf:
Right here in V.F.D!

V.F.D. Residents:
Right here in V.F.D!

Count Olaf:
With a capital “B”
That rhymes with “Hair”
And that stands for Baudelaire,

V.F.D. Residents:
Baudelaire

Count Olaf:
We’ve surely got trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
We’ve surely got trouble!

Count Olaf:
Right here in V.F.D,

V.F.D. Residents:
Right here!

Count Olaf:
Remember Count Olaf, Fowl Fountain and the Golden Rule!

V.F.D. Residents:
Our children’s children gonna have trouble, trouble, trouble(cont.)

Count Olaf:
Oh, we’ve got trouble.
We’re in terrible, terrible trouble.
Those strange three young orphans are a devil’s tool!

V.F.D. Residents:
Devils Tool!

Count Olaf:
Oh yes we got trouble, trouble, trouble!

V.F.D. Residents:
Oh we got trouble here, we got big big trouble!

Count Olaf:
With a “B”!

V.F.D. Residents:
With a capital B!

Count Olaf:
Gotta rhyme it with “Hair”!

All:
And that’s Baudelaire!!!

As Violet helps Hector fix the Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home, Klaus looks into Hector’s secret library to find a way to get Jacques Snicket off. Since it’s obvious that Jacques isn’t Count Olaf. But since the adults seem to identify people based on two defining features like a unibrow and an eye ankle tattoo, Jacques is basically condemned to a most burning and painful death at the stake in the morning. So not only will V.F.D. burn an innocent man, they’re going to make the world think that Count Olaf is dead, which won’t bode well for the Baudelaires. Especially when the real Count Olaf comes around since he won’t ever worry about being caught again. Apparently, Klaus had fun reading the rule books since many of them are contradictory. But he did find one in which the condemned could make a speech before their execution as well as read up on mob psychology to get the villagers into a frenzy. If only the adults would listen.

The song I chose for him is “Shipoopi” from The Music Man. Sung by Harold Hill’s friend Marcellus Washburn (the only guy who knows the truth about him), the original version is about finding love with a term Meredith Willson invented himself. Still, this occurs at the same time Harold Hill is wooing Marian the Librarian. Anyway, this version has Klaus explain what he found about the V.F.D. rules and mob psychology.

“Persuasion”

Sung by Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
V.F. D. Rule #2,493
Gives the condemned some leeway.
To address the crowd and make a last-minute speech
Before he’s burned at the stake.

But in case a speech won’t be allowed,
There’s still a way to sway the crowd!
And in mob psychology, that is
Persuasion! Persuasion! Persuasion! Persuasion!

To save Jacques Snicket yet.

Persuasion!
Persuasion!
Persuasion!

Violet:
To call his innocence.

Klaus:
Make sure a few are nice and scattered,
Make sure that only their voices matter.
Soon the all the rest assembled,
Will soon go along with
What they’re yelling.

Both:
Do re me fa so la si
Do si la sol fa mi re do

Klaus:
Have the doubters voice their opinions,
The other villagers won’t know what hit em’
Have them say Jacques innocent,
The Elders will have no choice but to cave in.

Both:
Do re me fa sol la si
Do si do

Klaus:
Now Jacques isn’t Count Olaf
As we four could see
But groupthink we can set them off
So he can walk out free

Have the doubters voice their opinions,
The other villagers won’t know what hit em’
Have them say Jacques innocent,
The Elders will have no choice but to cave in.

Both:
Do re me fa sol la si
Do si do

Both:
Persuasion, Persuasion, Persuasion
To save Jacques Snicket yet.
Persuasion, Persuasion, Persuasion
To call his innocence

Persuasion, Persuasion, Persuasion
To save Jacques Snicket yet.
Persuasion, Persuasion, Persuasion
To call his innocence, Persuasion

During that night, Klaus looks into the V.F.D. rulebook to get Jacques Snicket out, Violet helps Hector finish the Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home which would be useful in their escape should Count Olaf come to call. As Hector told the Baudelaires: “My invention is nothing more than a hot air balloon — except it’s much larger. Instead of one large basket, there are twelve baskets, all tied together below several hot air balloons. Each basket serves as a different room, so it’s like having an entire flying house. It’s completely self-sustaining — once you get up in it, you never have to go back down. In fact, if my new engine works properly, it will be impossible to get back down. The engine should last for more than one hundred years, and there’s a huge storage basket that I’m filling with food, beverages, clothing, and books. Once it’s completed, I’ll be able to fly away from V.F.D. and the Council of Elders and everything else that makes me skittish, and live forever in the air.” Though I’m not sure if anything is completely self-sustaining, Hector’s hot air mobile home is pretty cool, especially if you see it on the TV show.

The song I went with here is “Greased Lightning” from Grease. In the original version, one of the greasers gets a used car and Kenickie (or Danny in the film) sees wins over his fellow gang members with a rousing rock n’ roll number describing the modifications to transform it into a hot rod to attract the ladies. In this version, I have it featuring Violet on her inventing abilities as she describes the modifications she wants to put on the Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home. And yes, I may have kept some of the original lyrics but I have no idea how Hector built this thing. So forgive me on some of the inaccuracies. Not to mention, Violet needs a fun featured musical number to herself this time because most of her songs seem kind of sad.

“Greased Lightning” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Violet:
Why, this Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home is automatic
It’s systematic, it’s aerodynamic
Why, it’s greased lightning
Hector: “Grease lightning”

Violet:
We’ll get some overhead lifters and some four-barrel quads, oh yeah
Hector: “Keep talking, whoa, keep talking”
Violet: Fuel injection cutoffs and chrome plated rods, oh yeah
Hector: “I’ll get the money, I’ll kill to get the money”
Violet: With a four-speed in the air, you’ll be heading out of here
You know that ain’t no shit, you’ll be getting lot of lift in Grease Lightning
(Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go)

Go grease lightning, you’re burning up the quarter mile
(Grease lightning, go grease lightning)
Go grease lightning, you’re flying through the air lift trial
(Grease lightning, go grease lightning)
You are supreme, the bird lovers’ll scream over grease lightning
(Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go)

We’ll get some strong sturdy canvas and thirty-foot ropes, oh yeah
Some powerful solar panels and duel wind turbines, oh yeah
With new pistons, plugs and shocks you can get off your rocks
You know that I ain’t bragging, she’s a real stellar wagon
Grease lightning
(Go, go, go)

Go grease lightning, you’re burning up the quarter mile
(Grease lightning, go grease lightning)
Go grease lightning, you’re flying through the air lift trial
(Grease lightning, go grease lightning)
You are supreme, the bird lovers’ll scream over grease lightning
(Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go)

Go grease lightning, you’re burning up the quarter mile
(Grease lightning, go grease lightning)
Go grease lightning, you’re flying through the air lift trial
(Grease lightning, go grease lightning)
You are supreme, the bird lovers’ll scream over grease lightning
(Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go)

Lightning, lightning, lightning
Lightning, lightning, lightning, lightning, lightning

That afternoon, three members from the Council of Elders approach Hector and the Baudelaires and announce that Count Olaf has been captured. For these children, hearing that the man who terrorized them wherever they went must be the best news in the world. In fact, it almost seems to good to be true. That’s because it is. When Hector and the children reach the Town Hall, the find a man with a monobrow and an eye tattoo. But it’s obvious to the Baudelaires that this man isn’t Count Olaf. He’s shorter, heavier, clean and tidy, and doesn’t have the same look in his eyes. So now the kids have to see through a trial of an innocent man who will be inevitably sentenced to death. The man identifies himself as Jacques Snicket, Lemony’s brother. And he’s been following the Baudelaires for some time. But he doesn’t get the time to say his case. The children protest and proclaim his innocence yet as it’s the case this series, the adults ignore them. So they’ll have to wait until the following morning.

The song I decided on for the trial is “Benjamin Calypso” from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. In the original, Joseph’s brothers rise to their youngest brother’s defense after he accuses the young man of stealing his cup. It’s a test since he knows Benjamin is innocent. In this version, I have the Baudelaires defend Jacques Snicket’s innocence.

“Jacques Snicket Calypso”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet and Klaus:
Oh no – not he
How can you accuse him is a mystery
He ain’t – the Count
For we’d recognize him as a tall palm tree

Violet:
He may have one brow and an eye tattoo
But he sure as hell ain’t that man you presume
Have you seen his photograph?
For you’ve really made yourselves an ass
Oh yes

Klaus:
Oh yes

Violet:
It’s true

Klaus:
It’s true

Violet:
We’re not sure if you even have a clue?
No ifs

Klaus:
No ifs

Violet:
No buts

Klaus:
No buts

Violet:
You all must be cuckoo for coconuts

Klaus:
I know Count Olaf like he was my own hand
This guy is an innocent man
I haven’t seen him in all my life
Please believe me, oh, Jesus Christ
Oh no

Violet:
Oh no

Klaus:
Not he

Violet:
Not he
How you can accuse him is a mystery

Klaus:
He ain’t

Violet:
He ain’t

Klaus:
The Count

Violet:
The Count
For we’d recognize him as a tall palm tree

Violet and Klaus:
Oh no
Not he
How can you accuse him is a mystery
He ain’t
The Count
For we’d recognize him as a tall palm tree

Violet:
Sure as the tide wash the golden sand
This guy here is an innocent man
Sure as bananas need the sun
He’s not a criminal guilty one
Oh no

Klaus:
Oh no

Violet:
Not he

Klaus:
Not he

Violet and Klaus:
How you can accuse him is a mystery

Violet:
He ain’t

Klaus:
He ain’t

Violet:
The Count

Violet and Klaus:
The Count
For we’d recognize him as a tall palm tree
Oh no – not he
How can you accuse him is a mystery
He ain’t – the Count
La la la la la la la

The Baudelaires spend their first morning and afternoon at V.F.D. doing all the villagers’ chores. Most of these are insanely difficult, boring, or pointless like making hot fudge sundaes for the Council of Elders. While the chores are hard work, the villagers are often rude and unpleasant. Nor do they appear to make the children feel welcome in their new home. Hell, their lunch mostly consists of cabbage sandwiches from a local restaurant. Additionally, at dawn the children receive another couplet from Isadora reading: “Until dawn comes we cannot speak,/No words can come from this sad beak.” And the Baudelaires still have no idea what the Quagmires are trying to tell them. The final task that day is cleaning the massive Fowl Fountain statue which was recently built. While it’s all covered in bird shit, the children wouldn’t complain much. Since they’ve already worked at Lucky Smells and ran laps at Prufrock Prep.

The song I selected for this sequence is “King Harvest (Has Surely Come)” by The Band. The original version is about a poverty-stricken farmer, who with increasing desperation, details the misfortune befallen him during the Great Depression. Over the song’s course, the farmer has his crops die due to no rain, his barn burns down, his horse goes mad, and he ends up on skid row. A union organizer appears, promising to improve things, with the narrator telling his associates “I’m a union man now, all the way but begs them to “just don’t judge me by my shoes.” Yeah, it’s kind of a downer song. In this version, the Baudelaires sing about doing their chores and the couplets they’ve received.

“King Harvest (Has Surely Come)”

Hector:
Corn in the fields.
Listen to the crows when the wind blows ‘cross the fountain,
King Harvest has surely come

Violet:
We work for the village ‘cause they’re our guardians;
And we have to do all their chores,
Since they say it’s a town tradition
We will do everything these folks will say,
Even if it means making the Elders fudge sundaes
Looks like this time I’m gonna get to stay,
I’m a V.F.D. girl, now, all the way

Hector:
The smell of the leaves,
From the Nevermore Tree on the outskirts,
King Harvest has surely come

Klaus:
V.F.D. folk are awfully rude,
When we do what they refuse
Hey, Isadora, can’t you hear my plea?
Tell me what your couplets mean!
Two dawns we get these poem notes
And it’s plain to see, I’ve nothin’ to show
I’m glad Count Olaf is not around
But won’t be long till he’s in town

Hector:
A scarecrow in a yellow moon,
Pretty soon, the carnival on the edge of town,
King Harvest has surely come

Violet:
Our final task, we have to clean,
The Fowl Fountain till it sheens
Lots of bird shit, well, that ain’t bad
Let’s hope the Council of Elders don’t get that mad
Now here they come with their ugly crow hats
Tellin’ us how their sundaes aren’t up to scratch
And then, if we don’t give them what they like
I hope they don’t keep us up all through the night

Hector:
Corn in the fields.
Listen to the crows when the wind blows ‘cross the fountain,
King Harvest has surely come