History of the World According to the Movies: Part 1- Introduction and Prehistory

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 16, 2014

Believe it or not, as much as 10,000 BC might be criticized for inaccuracy, it’s actually true that many extinctions of these large prehistoric mammals may very well be attributed to early man hunting them. However, they probably weren’t hunting saber tooths (especially one by that size in Africa) and mammoths by 10,000 BC though and not with that weapon.

Movies are great teaching tools when it comes to history but sometimes they teach us the wrong lessons and give us an erroneous perception about the past. Though many of the events depicted in the film may have happened and the people might have existed, filmmakers often make a mistake or two. Sometimes it’s the presentation such as the costumes. Sometimes it’s history in general. And like it or not, there are people who tend to believe what they see in movies. In the next several days I list clichés and inaccuracies present in movies that take place at another time. I’m listing things I see in movies that pertain to more serious films that are meant to shape our perception of history not movies like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Blazing Saddles or period pieces by Quentin Tarantino because these were only made for entertainment and not meant to be taken seriously. I don’t include biopic much unless they are about someone historically significant. I also don’t include fantasy and science fiction films because most of them are told as myths and aren’t meant to conform to historic accuracy. I mean 2001: A Space Odyssey may be totally historically inaccurate but at the time it was written and made (in the 1960s) 2001 was the future. However, I do include westerns and literary adaptations, older movies set in their contemporary settings, and maybe the occasional animated flick or movies based on religion and mythology.

My first post on movie history is prehistoric times from human evolution to the invention of writing like around 2 million years ago to about 3000 B. C. E. (or before a civilization had records) because history ain’t history until it’s written down. Of course, this would include prehistoric mammals, cavemen, the Stone Age, the Bronze Age, the Iron Age as well as the invention of many things we take for granted like fire, houses, cities, architecture, agriculture, clothes, tools, art, the wheel, religion, weapons, trade, and a bunch of other things. What we know about Prehistory usually comes from archaeological and paleoantrhopological evidence, which is incomplete. In many ways, there could never be a truly historically accurate movie on Prehistoric man because we really don’t know much about them since they didn’t write things down. However, this doesn’t mean that there are glaring inaccuracies in them which would make any prehistory expert cry.

Early humans looked and acted very much like we did as well as had language and had their hair in similar styles. However, they ate their meat raw until they discovered fire. (Contrary to what Caveman says {which is a parody but still illustrates the inaccuracy}, fire was discovered by Homo erectus at least around 1 million years ago {which was way before the evolution of modern humans}, so cavemen looking like Ringo Starr would’ve been very familiar with the technology.)

Cavemen were predominantly white and existed as one species. (Well, the earliest modern humans probably weren’t Caucasian looking when they first came to Europe from Africa {which says alot about the other humans which certainly weren’t either since they came from Africa where a light skin human being without much body hair would be at an evolutionary disadvantage}. Actually, race is more a of a social construct than a scientific one so let’s leave it at that. Still, most cavemen in movies are usually portrayed by white actors. However, early homo sapiens certainly did exist with human species for awhile.)

Early humans wore animal skins as well as made jewelry out of their bones. Animal parts were used as musical instruments. The fact that they didn’t farm and wore things like that proves that they were uncivilized creatures. They also fought with each other over women that the treated as objects as well as had monosyllabic names. (Archaeological evidence suggests that cave men were anything but brutes and morons.)

A Stone Age diet usually consisted of meat and any vegetation that was gathered. And it was the hunters who contributed to most of the meal. (In reality it was the gatherers who contributed more as well as started agriculture. Oh, yeah, they also consumed grain though I’m not sure about dairy products.)

Neanderthals were hunchbacked, chinless, knuckle-draggers. (This was based on one of the first complete Neanderthal skeletons found, which was of a man over sixty years old suffering from bone wastage and arthritis. They actually looked more like us though they wouldn’t be winning any beauty contests.)

Neanderthals couldn’t speak. (They could, just not like us.)

The Iron Age had superior tools and weapons than the Bronze Age did. (Iron has some properties that make it more useful than bronze such as the grain allowed for sharpening, it was used as a poor man’s substitute for Bronze and that the collapse of the Bronze Age was due to the loss of trade routes which were their only source of tin. Also, iron was cheaper to produce. And before iron, most people used copper since bronze was expensive.)

Cavemen invented the wheel and originally used it for transportation. (The wheel was invented in Mesopotamia in 6000-3200 B.C. E. and its initial use was for grinding grain and would be it’s only use for two or three millennia. Also, by that time, humans were already out of caves and living in fixed settlements by then.)

Dinosaurs coexisted with humans. (For God’s sake, they most certainly did not. Dinosaurs were already extinct for millions of years by the time humans came in.)

Early man hunted prehistoric animals. (This is true, which may have caused extinction of several animals {yet the Dinofelis pictured wasn’t one of them having gone extinct 1.3 million years ago and the Smildon maybe, but only by Native American Indians}. However, they also hunted animals we’d be familiar with like deer. Actually they’d hunt almost anything.)

Egyptians used mammoths to build the Pyramids. (Actually they built the Pyramids closer to 2500 B. C. E. {which is in a whole different era} and the mammoths were very much extinct by then. Not to mention, mammoths were never domesticated, ever.)

Prehistoric women wore fur bikinis. (Whether this is true or not, odds are many prehistoric women certainly wouldn’t look like Raquel Welch around a million years ago. Actually many prehistoric women didn’t even bother covering their saggy breasts, especially if they were nursing babies.)

Prehistoric humans = cavemen. (This is true but only to a point. Most of the familiar imagery of prehistory usually do revolve around cavemen, but this eras spans beyond the Stone Age. Prehistoric humans would eventually move away from that kind of lifestyle in the advent of agriculture. Of course, many Prehistoric humans would have civilization of some sort, just not in 10,000 B.C.E.)

Prehistoric women had no body hair or ever cut themselves shaving their legs. (Chances are Prehistoric women would be much hairier than women today {including those who don’t shave at all}. And if Prehistoric women did shave {which I highly doubt}, they would’ve used a jagged rock.)

Prehistoric women were well made up and had perfect teeth. (Most cosmetics available were clay and crushed berries. And don’t get me started on dental care.)

Prehistoric men wore leopard skins and had bulging muscles. (For God’s sake, most Prehistoric men didn’t look like Tarzan. Nor they were scrawny looking either. I mean these guys weren’t attractive by modern beauty standards.)

Prehistoric humans were larger or just as big as their modern counterparts and stronger, too. (The vast majority were actually smaller. The degree of strength is actually debatable.)

Some Prehistoric Europeans had blue eyes and blond hair. (The genetic mutation for blue eyes existed 6-8,000 years ago at the earliest. And fair hair didn’t exist until 12,000 B. C. E.)

Prehistoric humans ate corn and chili peppers. (In the Americas maybe since they did exist in Pre-Columbian times, but not anywhere else before the 1500s.)

Prehistoric humans had horseback riding, ships, and steel around 10,000 B. C. E. (Horse domestication didn’t exist until 4000 B. C. E. {though horses were hunted and eaten} yet by 10,000 B.C.E there has been evidence of using dogs, pigs, and reindeer in a domestic atmosphere. Metalworking didn’t exist until 7500-5500 B. C. E. {with the earliest metal tools being made in copper}. Sailing didn’t exist until 4000 B. C. E.)

Prehistoric humans had cities around 10,000 B.C.E. (For God’s sake the first complex cities didn’t spring up until around 4000 B. C. E. though Jericho might’ve existed by then but only as a hunter-gatherer settlement and there was a mammoth bone village in Ukraine from 18,000 to 12,000 years ago. Also, 10,000 B. C. E. would’ve when humans discovered agriculture.)

Humans had contact with large “terror birds.” (The birds were indigenous in the Americas and had gone extinct 1.8 million years ago.)

Prehistoric man used bows and and elaborate spear points for hunting as early as 10,000 B. C. E. (Bows and elaborate spear points weren’t used for hunting around that time {though humans had been hunting with stone tools for thousands of years prior}. Humans wouldn’t use elaborate spear points {those were ceremonial} though they may have hunted with bows and arrows {existing since 30,000 years ago} and spears.)

Cavemen walked crouched down like apes. (Prehistoric humans mostly walked upright since Homo habilis.)

Prehistoric men shaved their faces. (We really don’t know whether they did or not or whether beard styles varied from tribe to tribe.)

Prehistoric humans used telescopes and maps on papyrus in 10,000 B. C. E. (Telescopes weren’t invented until the 1600s, moron. Also, maps weren’t invented before writing and papyrus didn’t come around until 2650 B.C. E.)

Cro-Magnon hunted mammoth with a net. (They may have hunted mammoth but there’s no evidence it was with a net {they did have nets at the time}. Though absence of one doesn’t mean they didn’t.)

Cavemen lived in caves. (Well, we assume many did because they were nomadic but they had other kinds of shelter. Of course, very early man lived in trees or under them. The earliest house in archaeological record was found in the Czech Republic is dated to have been built 25,000 years ago. Rock shelters have been found in India with artwork possibly done by Homo erectus and dating between 200,000 and 50,000 years ago. Also, wooden buildings were said to have been erected in South America as early as 11,500 B. C. E. to 10,000 B. C. E. Oh, and pit residences weren’t uncommon either.)

Cavemen dragged chose their mates by bonking their chosen women on the head and dragging them by the hair. (Well, marriage by kidnapping was the norm at the time {it’s the earliest marriage ritual to be exact}. However, dragging a woman by the hair wouldn’t have been a good idea. Chances are a wife seeking caveman probably had his band helping him and possibly the familial approval of the woman in question. Heck, there may even be cavewomen who were kidnapped by their husbands on their own accord.)

Stonehenge was built in Prehistoric times. (It’s said to have been constructed around the same time as the Pyramids {at least the main part of it has}. Not to mention, there may have been some variations of it before then so it’s not 100% inaccurate but not really historically true.)

Hunter-gatherers lived a life of labor and near starvation. (Their diet was said to be healthier than ours and food was plentiful and didn’t take much work to get. Agricultural work was far more difficult and humans only became farmers because the hunter-gatherer lifestyle wasn’t able to support a large population. Agriculture also gave rise to all kinds of diseases and tooth decay as well as social inequality.)

Cavemen had to constantly worry about falling prey to a vicious Prehistoric monster. (Sometimes they had, especially in the early years of human evolution. More modern humans pretty much were the monsters for they were responsible for some extinctions of prehistoric animals.)

Neanderthals lived in what is now North Texas around 33,000 B. C. E. (Neanderthals never lived in North America. However, there may nor may not have been humans in the Americas around 35,000 years ago. However, I don’t think you’re going to find an early man in Encino, California any time soon, especially one that looks like Brendan Fraser.)

Fun and Clever Insults from Famous People in the Days of Yore

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 12, 2014

1. William Faulkner (on Ernest Hemingway): “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

Ernest Hemingway: “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

2. George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill): “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”

Winston Churchill (to George Bernard Shaw): “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

3. The Earl of Sandwich: “You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”

John Wilkes (to the Earl of Sandwich): “That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”

4. James Reston (on Richard Nixon): “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”

5. Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill): “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”

Winston Churchill (to Lady Astor): “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”

6. Winston Churchill (when asked whether he was drunk): “I may be drunk madame, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will be just as ugly.”

7. Clarence Darrow: “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

8. Moses Hadas: “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

9. Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable): “His ears made him look like a taxi cab with both doors open.”

10. Lyndon B. Johnson (about Gerald Ford): “He’s a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.”

11. Jack E. Leonard: “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”

12. Leonard Louis Levinson: “I wish I’d known you when you were alive.”

13. Abraham Lincoln: “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”

14. Groucho Marx: “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

15. Groucho Marx: “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

16. Groucho Marx: “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

17. Golda Meir: “Don’t be humble…you’re not that great.”

18. Thomas Paine (about John Adams): “It has been the political career of this man to begin with hypocrisy, proceed with arrogance, and finish with contempt.”

19. Robert Redford: “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”

20. Thomas Brackett Reed: “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”

21. Aristophanes: “You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.”

22. Milton Berle: “Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”

23. Stephen Bishop: “I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”

24. Irvin S. Cobb: “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

25. Winston Churchill: “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices Iadmire.”

26. Winston Churchill: “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

27. A. E. Housman: “Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.”

28. Samuel Johnson: “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”

29. Victor Hugo: “God was bored by him.”

30. William McAdoo (on Warren G. Harding): “His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea.”

31. Jim Samuels: “You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.”

32. George Bernard Shaw: “The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech.”

33. Neil Simon: “Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other.”

34. Forrest Tucker: “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”

35. Mark Twain: “His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.”

36. Mark Twain: “A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”

37. Mark Twain: “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

38. Mark Twain: “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

39. Mae West: “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”

40. Oscar Wilde: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

41. Oscar Wilde: “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

42. Billy Wilder: “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”

43. Oscar Wilde: “Why was I born with such contemporaries?”

44. Andrew Lang (1844-1912): “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination.”

45. Edith Sitwell: “A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.”

46. Franklin K. Dane: “Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.”

47. Elizabeth Taylor: “Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.”

48. Mark Twain: “I can never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.”

49. Dorothy Parker: “The woman speaks eight languages and can’t say ‘no’ in any of them.”

50. William Kerr: “He has delusions of adequacy.”

51. John Bright: ”He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”

52. Truman Capote (on Jack Kerouac): “That’s not writing, that’s typing.”

53. Gregory Ratoff: “You’re a parasite for sore eyes.”

54. Jonathan Swift: “Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.”

55. Liberace: “What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.”

56. William Dean Howells: “Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.”

57. Fred Allen: “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

58. Oscar Levant: “Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”

59. Groucho Marx: “Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”

60. Jeremy Thorpe: “Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life.”

61. Moliere: “He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.”

62. Charles Kingsley: “He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.”

63. Oscar Wilde: “He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.”

64. W. S. Gilbert: “No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he’s a dirty little beast.”

65. Heinrich Heine: “Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.”

66. Jean Webster: “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”

67. Mark Twain: “You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.”

68. Lyndon B. Johnson: “The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character.”

69. Mark Twain: “Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

70. Oscar Wilde: “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

71. James Thurber: “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”

72. Benjamin Disraeli: “He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.”

73. Leo Tolstoy: “He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.”

74. Groucho Marx: “He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

75. Josh Billings: “When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry – for the clothes.”

76. Catherine the Great: “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”

77. Lillian Gish: “Young man, if God had wanted you to see me that way, he would have put your eyes in your bellybutton.”

78. Benjamin Disraeli: “If William Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that would be a calamity.”

79. Mark Twain: “Every time I read Pride and Prejudice, I want to dig Jane Austen up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

80. Oscar Wilde: “There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Alexander Pope.”

81. Will Rogers: “An economist’s guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s.”

82. Mark Twain: “There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”

83. Charlotte Whitton: “Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”

84. Mark Twain: “He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.”

85. Mark Twain: “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”

86. Dorothy Parker: “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

87. Groucho Marx: “Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.”

88. Richard Moore: “When I read Homer, I sometimes have the feeling that we have been starving to death for 3,000 years.”

89. Albert Einstein: “Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the former.”

90. Adlai Stevenson: “Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.”

91. Will Rogers: “A fool and his money are soon elected.”

92. Will Rogers: “Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.”

93. Jonathan Swift: “I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.”

94. Nathaniel Hawthorne (on Edward Bulwer-Lytton): “Bulwer nauseates me; he is the very pimple of the age’s humbug. There is no hope of the public, so long as he retains an admirer, a reader, or a publisher.”

95. Anatole France (on Emile Zola): “His work is evil, and he is one of those unhappy beings of whom one can say that it would be better had he never been born.”

96. Fred Allen: “What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.”

97. P. G. Wodehouse: “He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

98. Charles Baudelaire (on Richard Wagner): “I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.”

99. Groucho Marx: “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

100. George Bernard Shaw: “He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”

“He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.” – See more at: http://www.articlereviewwriters.com/fun-and-famous-insults.html#sthash.0JsKBNSN.dpuf

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 11, 2014

For as long as writing and business existed side by side, advertising has always been with us since communication as everything. Roman gladiators once endorsed products when not fighting each other while print media almost wouldn’t survive without it. Still, while some ads seem fairly harmless others not so much. I could go on all day about the nice cutesy ads your grandparents fondly remember but no one wouldn’t be interested. Instead, I’ll show the not-so-stellar ads to mock for your pleasure. So without further adieu, here is a collection of some of the worst printed ads of yesterday. Note: Some of my ad descriptions may denote sarcasm. Also, some of these ads may be offensive but I posted them because they’re terrible so that’s kind of the point.

1. Who knew a pig could survive after it slices itself in half?

I think the guy who came up with this image must’ve been on drugs if you ask me.

2. Is it always illegal to kill a woman? Uh, yeah, I think it very much is.

Also, why would anyone ever ask that kind of misogynistic question? And on an advertisement out all things. Seriously, I wonder if the guy behind this ad was an inspiration for a character on Madmen or something.

3. Sure all women love to receive a new vacuum for Christmas.

Let’s just say if you’re my significant other and gave me a vacuum for Christmas, I will not be happy. I hate these things for all the noise they make.

4. Treat yourself on Christmas, buy a gun!

Really? A gun? That’s crazy. Wonder if treating yourself to getting a gun for Christmas may be a sign you need some psychiatric counseling.

5. Sure Iver Johnson revolvers are safe around kids. This ad guarantees it.

“Absolutely Safe,” “Accidental Discharge Impossible,” “Pa says it won’t hurt us,” as this ad promises. However, all these sayings are what is known in the advertising business as “bullshit.” Guns are never safe around kids and accidental discharges will happen.

6. Drinking Smirnoff would lead a woman to become a bra burning feminist.

This was probably designed by some asshole who has no idea of what feminism is. Still, anything is possible while handling Smirnoff like date rape which might be on the mind of the guy next to her. Empowering to women? I think not.

7. Blatz understands that young mothers always need a drink if they want their babies growing healthy and strong.

Uh, huh, I’m not sure if marketing beer to young mothers as a health drink is a good idea. Still, I wonder if the baby will be plastered on the mother’s breast milk after she drinks some.

8. Apparently this white kid thinks black people are using the wrong soap.

Try using the Fairy soap on your black friend, kid. Chances are, the blackness is never coming off because it’s the person’s natural skin color. Just because a person’s skin is dark doesn’t mean he or she is dirty or should be treated any differently than as an equal. This is a pretty racist ad but it’s not the worst I’ve seen. But posting it will certainly not get black people to like you.

9. Men who don’t wear Van Heusen Oxfords obviously come from a savage cannibalistic tribe in Africa.

Another offensive and racist ad. This not only calls blacks savages but also insults people in Third World countries as savage and cannibalistic brutes, which many are not. Even if that were true, we shouldn’t refer to their culture as any barbaric than our own. This ad is just a bunch of Western imperialistic nonsense.

10. Buy Kenwood mixer because even chefs need wives to cook in their own homes.

Hey, since when is cooking primarily the wife’s job? If I was married to a chef, I sure wouldn’t cook for him. Any male chef who makes his wife cook for him is a jerk. Stay in the kitchen my ass.

11. Because every boy needs to have his own little assault rifle.

What the fuck? Why in God’s mercy would you give your kid this? This is almost as bad as the real thing, not that it helped the soldiers in Vietnam. Oh, I see why they had these toys so boys can get excited about being drafted. It’s disturbing, really.

12. Daisy always knows guns make the best Christmas gifts for the whole family.

I really don’t want to live next to these people. Let’s just say guns are another thing I wouldn’t want for Christmas.

13. Drink Poulain Chocolate or else the pale face clown will get you.

I wonder if this hot chocolate drinking clown is related to the Joker from Batman.

14. Using Diamond Dyes will make your kid pretending to be a sociopath.

If my kid was playing with some blood colored dye I’d feel the same way like that horrifying child’s mother. I wonder if this child’s utter delight in it may foreshadow a future as a serial killer.

15. See, even Santa smokes so cigarettes must be good for you.

Seriously, I think doing tobacco endorsement should automatically put someone on the naughty list. And I don’t think Santa should be exempt from that.

16. It’s nice having a girl around the house, to step on.

Look, this is not only offensive toward women but also to tigers. You can’t treat women like doormats or kill tigers and make rugs out of them. You also can’t step on women’s heads either.

17. Make every ocean liner trip a gay cruise on American Export Lines.

On American Export Lines, everyone is guaranteed to have a gay old time. However, a gay cruise today would mean something completely different.

18. Because group showers save money.

Sure group showers may save money and be prevalent among athletes. Yet, they also tend to be the butt of gay jokes, especially since the world of men’s sports is rather homophobic. Still, these boys seem perfectly fine naked in each other’s company. One is even singing while washing his hair. However, this is in here because it was made at a highly homophobic time yet much of it may be teeming with gay subtext to add further irony.

19. Munsingwear Men’s Underwear: Because you never know when you’ll be wrestling in your underwear.

As to why any two straight men would even want to wrestle with each other in their underwear, I don’t have the slightest idea. Another 1950’s ad teeming with gay subtext. Is anyone on Madmen in the closet or something?

20. Not sure what you want your husband to buy anything for you for Christmas? Circle the following.

I’m sure all women would want these kitchen appliances for Christmas. I sure wouldn’t. Still, I think it’s kind of insulting. Also, what should my husband give me if I want something that’s not on that piece of God forsaken garbage.

21. Husband doesn’t like the coffee? Let him give you a good spanking.

I’m kind of looking forward to the next ad when the wife throws her husband out the house and puts him under a restraining order. Seriously, why in God’s name would anyone think this is funny? This is domestic violence for crying out loud! Buy our coffee or your husband will beat you? What kind of message is that?

22. Doctors smoke Camels so you should, too.

Smoking is prevalent among medical professionals as well as a lot of other bad habits. However, as we know from watching medical show, we know that just because people in healthcare engage in certain habits like smoking doesn’t mean everyone else should. Just because people may take good care of others doesn’t mean they’re taking good care of themselves. Nevertheless, this ad is wrong on so many levels.

23. Relieve that toothache pain with cocaine. That’s the ticket.

Of course, a well known proponent of cocaine was Sigmund Freud. Yes, the famed father of psychoanalysis himself was a cokehead. Still, if you have a toothache, you should probably see a dentist.

24. Scot Towels will wipe away Communism in your home and workplace.

Reminds me of that Terry Gilliam animated toothpaste commercial on Monty Python. Yes, Scot Towels has the Joe McCarthy zeal that will wipe away all those dirty Communists in your home. Not really.

25. Lucky Strike will turn you from a chunky fat guy to a world class athlete.

This would be more accurate if the fit guy was replaced with a corpse. There’s no way in hell smoking Lucky Strikes will make you into a world class athlete. It will more likely shed years off your life and lead you to an early grave.

26. Because you can never start shaving too young.

Babies should never ever have sharp objects in their hands, including safety razor. So many things can go wrong with that. Who ever thought of making this disturbing ad? Wonder if he has any kids. If he does, he lacks a lot of basic parenting skills.

27. Because happy babies loved being sealed in plastic wrap.

What’s with the babies in plastic wrap? Babies aren’t food products. Is this child abuse or cannibalism?

28. Sure DDT’s destruction to wildlife would inspire Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring, but it’s honestly as good as mother’s milk.

Better living through chemicals taken to new levels of absurdity. Sure DDT may kill pesky insects but it also gets rid of wild animals like bald eagles and other now endangered species. And if it’s harmful to wild animals, it’s certainly bad for people. I mean this pesticide helped inspire a whole movement. God, this is as bad as anything from Monsanto. Yet, at least that company doesn’t do the same thing with Round-Up.

29. I’m Ronald Reagan and I endorse Chesterfields for America.

Say, Ronnie, have you thought that by the time you get into politics, smoking may not seem cool anymore because it leads to well, cancer? Also, didn’t you and your wife help start the War on Drugs during your presidency? Too bad you couldn’t say no to appearing on a cigarette ad.

30. Use Pear’s soap and don’t throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Seriously, this is horrifying. Why would anyone have an ad like this? No wonder the baby is crying it’s eyes out. Certainly not looking to bath time in the future after that traumatizing experience.

31. Love’s Baby Soft: because innocence should be in the form of a sexualized little girl.

“Because innocence is sexier than you think.” Really? Why come with this ad? This girl is probably a teenager at most. God, and you think my generation is screwed up over child beauty pageants and the Disney Channel. This is disturbing.

32. Gang rape scantily clad streetwalkers under the influence is always fun in Broomsticks slacks.

I hope these boys have their lives ruined over this because this imagery is nothing to joke about. At best this is street harassment. At worst it is prelude to gang rape. Simply sexist and deeply offensive. Whoever designed this piece of shit ought to be ashamed of themselves.

33. Drink 7UP because baby is never too young for his first soft drink.

Yes, start your baby on a drink full of empty calories that will lead to early tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, hyperactivity, anxiety, sleep deprivation, bone loss, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, giving your baby pop is a good idea. Soft drinks are probably among the unhealthiest beverages on the market.

34. Traveling in the Middle East, then fly with Pakistan International.

Of course, no one is going to think of crashing a plane into those enormous skyscrapers. Oh, I forgot those buildings aren’t around anymore because terrorists crashed planes into them on 9/11.

35. Because lead paint is the best paint.

Of course, lead paint is bound to lower intelligence, stunt growth, delays development, cause kidney damage, cause reproductive problems, and may even cause cancer. Yeah, and you wonder why we don’t use lead paint anymore. Also, it’s kind of disturbing that these lead party guests consists of toy soldiers and plates.

36. Pass for white with Chlorinol bleach.

God this is so blatantly and virulently racist as well as contains an N-word reference to boot, which should never be used in advertising especially alongside “white.” As for the bleaching for lighter skin, it seems like a disturbing and destructive practice. Also, these black kids are pretty scary looking. Where is Chlorinol bleach to wash out this horrendously racist ad? My deepest apologies to the NAACP.

37. For limited time only, here’s a replica of an exploding hand grenade.

Of course, you can buy one of these and watch your WWII veteran dad experience sudden flashbacks as well as bring him back to the days on the front he’d rather forget. Yes, your dad will relive all those PTSD memories all over again.

38. Get the SEGA video game control and be the naked couch potato in your parents basement you always wanted to be.

Yeah, this guy seems to have so much fun with SEGA he doesn’t seem to take any time to get dressed. Yeah, why can’t this guy find something else to do with his life?

39. Only this kid knows what other meat tastes like pork.

Don’t look now but I think this child seems to have a nasty grin on his face. That can’t be good. Something tells me he may not be totally satisfied and may have a craving for human flesh.

40. Try the Deep South peanut pie, or else this naked fedora kid will use you into one.

This kid isn't cute. It's as if a terrifying kewpie doll had just come to life and is advertising this peanut pie and just drinks just to fatten us up to later eat for its own pleasure. Yeah, that's it. God, just looking at that kid gives me nightmares.

This kid isn’t cute. It’s as if a terrifying kewpie doll had just come to life and is advertising this peanut pie and drinks just to fatten us up to later eat for its own pleasure. Yeah, that’s it. God, just looking at that kid gives me nightmares.

41. Swift’s: The quality restaurant for the potentially murderous child.

Yes, she’s a raging murderous psychopath all right. What is it about old ad artists that they seem to draw children so creepy looking?

42. Because why should you wait until summer to get a tan?

Yeah, why wait till summer where you can expose yourself to skin cancer causing UV rays today and for half the price? And I thought the tanning craze now was insane.

43. Either this woman has been very good this year or Santa just likes what he sees.

Bad, Santa, you should know better than anyone not to stare up women’s skirts. Wonder what Mrs. Claus would think of this.

44. Hey, honey, why don’t we make out under the mistletoe and traumatize our kids for the rest of their lives?

And this is how “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was born.

45. Kids keep wetting the bed, well protect them with Stay Dry child diapers.

I think having those pants on is much more psychologically disturbing than wetting the bed. Also, that boy has to be about 8-10 years old who shouldn’t be having those problems.

46. Jester Wools will always make you gay.

Nowadays this slogan would make right wing Christians in the South cringe with fear. Doesn’t help with the colorful jester and rainbow.

47. Step in the spa with Wonder Sauna Hot Pants.

These inflatable Bermuda shorts made from the skin of the Michelin Tire Man seem to make crocs stylish by comparison. Boy, do those people look ridiculous.

48. Overweight? Lose weight through the tapeworm diet.

This was a big weight loss fad back in the day. Still, I think having a parasite living in my digestive tract is kind of disturbing.

49. Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab is fun educational toy for the kids as well as completely safe and harmless.

This toy probably doesn’t work because parents would certainly complain. As we know from Chernobyl and Fukishima, atomic energy isn’t safe even in children’s toys. Also, I think this toy may be illegal nowadays for obvious reasons. You’re better off getting your kid a chemistry set.

50. Worried about nuclear attack? Protect your family with a fallout shelter and you’ll be ready to survive total nuclear annihilation.

I’m sure a fallout shelter will save you in a nuclear attack. Actually, it’s probably going to useless and you’ll probably die in a nuclear attack anyway.

51. Real men use whiskey toothpaste because the regular stuff is for sissies.

A 6 proof alcoholic tooth paste. I guess there’s no artificial flavors is there? Also, why?

52. Saying your product contributes to melting glacier isn’t something to brag about.

Of course, this ad says that their fuel emissions melt the glaciers with pride. Nowadays, they’d deny that man made climate change even exists and it’s hurting the planet. Well, that’s Big Oil for you.

53. Depressed, just drink some of Phosferine tonic wine and chase all those blues away.

Seriously, I don’t want to know what’s in this. Drug of choice for the unhappy housewife who can’t find any escape from her second-class status.

54. Somehow the “skinless wieners” doesn’t seem to have the same connotation these days.

Somehow I find it rather comical when these old timey folks refer hotdogs as wieners. It’s just makes this seemingly wholesome ad dirty. Unfortunately this isn’t from Oscar Meyer.

55. Chilprufe underwear for the active service man who may be in the closet.

Seriously, what’s with the two underwear clad men possibly touching each other? For God’s sake, there’s no way those guys are “just friends.”

56. Use ethyl high-octane gasoline, like these Indian speed demons.

Someone seems to have a little too much fun at the casino. Oops, sorry about that. Also, as with ethyl fuel. well, it has done its share of widespread environmental damage over the years than other forms of gasoline because it contains lead. And we thought Indians cared about Mother Earth.

57. So I guess the Canadians weren’t so above it all either.

Wait, a minute, are you saying Indians aren't human because they have skin? And I thought Canadians were nice than us all this time.

Wait, a minute, are you saying Indians aren’t human because they have skin? And I thought Canadians were nicer than us all this time.

58. Use Wolcott’s Instant Pain Annihilator and drive all your demons away.

Kind of find the idea of demons in your head kind of terrifying. Also, may not work on schizophrenics.

59. Agitated seniors giving you grief? Calm them down with Thorazine.

So if there’s a contentious old guy saying “Get off my lawn!” we should drug him with this? Well, that’s sure going to make his transition to the old folks home a hell of a lot easier. Still, I don’t it would work on Clint Eastwood though.

60. I’m sure having your baby under the sun lamp is completely safe.

Let’s just say that putting your baby over a tanning lamp is a very bad idea even if the ad says it can’t burn. Oh, it will. Is this something taken from the Snooki Parenting Manual here?

61. Flip N’ Style: The hair dryer for bald people.

At least we know where Sinead O’Connor got her start. Of course, why would she want a hair dryer, I don’t have the slightest idea.

62. Oh, a funeral home service. Wait, it’s an employment agency.

I think this agency may need to rethink their advertising approach. It still looks more appropriate for a funeral home to me.

63. Try Groves Tasteless Chill Tonic and even you can turn into a pig bodied abomination.

If having a pig body is one of this tonic’s side effects, then I’m sure not taking that no matter how depressed I am.

64. Give your children Bee Hive corn syrup and see them become the next heavyweight champion.

Yeah, I’m sure corn syrup is going to make a bruiser out of your baby. Also, why is the tyke wearing boxing gloves? Is it participating in some kind of pewee boxing league? This is messed up.

65. Beer: the health drink for the whole family.

Just think, grandpa, in just over a century later, you could be arrested for serving this to minors.

66. Ayer’s Cathartic Pills: made by the hands of babes.

For a pharmaceutical company to say that their pills are packaged by naked children would send shockwaves among the masses nowadays. Also, they’re probably not practicing proper sanitation either.

67. Of course, this ad is sure to cater to a younger audience.

Child mascots for tobacco companies are a horrible idea. Still, talk about appealing to a younger demographic, which tobacco companies try to get kids hooked on their product at the earliest as possible. This is pretty disturbing in of itself.

68. Enhance your beauty with this face squeezing torture device.

As if botox wasn’t bad enough, we have the face crusher. That certainly does not look comfortable.

69. What young boy wouldn’t be without his own machine gun?

Even funnier, this gun is called “Big Dick.” Now you can experience the machine gun’s rapid fire that will traumatize your WWI veteran dad from his days in the trenches. Yet, unlike him, you won’t experience the dirty trenches or the vast carnage that accompanied the Great War. Now isn’t that fun?

70. Smoke Virginia Slims and be like Wonder Woman.

Of course, she may not be Wonder Woman (maybe her evil twin considering what smoking does to people) but this ad is trying to appeal to feminists. However, just because most of the information in this ad is true to some extent, using female empowerment to sell a terrible destructive product is rather disturbing if you really think about it. Rather smoking Virginia Slims will not make you look like Wonder Woman’s stand-in.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 9, 2014

Whether it be for sending something back home while out somewhere or buying one as a souvenir, postcards have been among us for a very long time. Some may have “Greetings from (insert place here),” some may be cards with funny images like animals, some may be ads, but we’ve seen them all especially back in the day. I could go on and on about all the nice vintage postcards you can see but I know nobody wants to hear about it. Instead, I intend to show some of the hilariously tacky and bad ones you wouldn’t want to send a loved one. So without further adieu here is a collection of some of the unintentionally funny postcards that will make you wonder what some of the designers were on.

1. Honestly the Tyrannosaurus Rex has seen better days sporting its ferocious bloodstained teeth.

This is perhaps the lamest bloodthirsty T-Rex I’ve ever seen.

2. Come to Aquarena Springs in San Marcos, Texas and see Ralph the Swimming Pig.

Who knew that pigs were excellent swimmers? Neither did I.

3. Come to New Mexico for the Rich Southwest Indian culture and the giant mushroom clouds of nuclear annihilation.

Of course, the presence of a mushroom cloud is because New Mexico was home to Los Alamos, the famous headquarters of the Manhattan Project as well as a nuclear testing site. Yet, I don’t think I’d want to visit a state that has a giant mushroom cloud of total annihilation on it’s postcard. Then there’s the thing that New Mexico is also known for if you’ve ever watched Breaking Bad.

4. You see, aliens are real as you can see in this postcard.

This probably explains why the show Ancient Aliens is now in existence. This one has to be a postcard from Roswell also in New Mexico.

5. For some reason, adding parrots and tractors don’t really make this a sexy photo shoot.

Seriously, tractors, parrots, and swimsuit models just don’t go together. Particularly tractors and parrots.

6. Honestly, Florida, what’s with your fixation with bathing beauties and alligators? It’s disturbing.

Either this is an interspecies romance resulting in Governor Rick Scott or the bathing beauty is going to be dinner.

7. Who knows what this contraption was used for? I certainly don’t.

Seriously, what is this? Is it a massage table, something used for plastic surgery, or a torture device?

8. This dog seems to have a rather artistic taste in pin-up girls.

Yet, he seems rather guilty that he has a dirty mind when it comes to certain human women.

9. Corky the Clown stops by on his motorboat in Cypress Gardens, Florida.

For some people, this may be a key reason not to visit Cypress Gardens in Florida. I mean who wants to see a terrifying clown of your nightmares in a motorboat?

10. Seriously who puts a skeleton fishing on a postcard? For God’s sake this is creepy.

That guy is certainly a stubborn cuss all right. He’s probably been fishing forever and hasn’t caught anything. Of course, the bird’s wondering why he’s still there.

11. Sure being a 1950s working girl meant being subject to Madmen levels of sexual harassment but at least you got to wear a swimsuit to the office once in awhile.

Seriously, I’m sure women didn’t dress up in bathing suits at the office during the 1950s. Also, why wear a swimsuit in paper bag brown?

12. Before Amy Winehouse became famous, she started out as a singer in a Polynesian Restaurant.

Sure this may not be the tragic British pop star, but I can’t look at this postcard thinking about Amy Winehouse. Apologies to her fans.

13. Of course, if your nurse is a dog, it won’t be much help to you.

Somehow I’m not sure if putting a dog near medicines is a good idea.

14. I had no idea furries were into water water skiing.

Of course, I wonder how many people may find the idea of seeing someone water ski in a tiger costume somewhat terrifying. This was probably made to attract furries if any of them existed at the time.

15. I’m sure leopard prints is totally appropriate to wear around a gigantic tiger and lion hybrid cat.

Also, I wonder ho many big cats would devour people for simply wearing such prints in front of them. Besides, I think animal prints are rather tacky anyway.

16. No girl at the beach would be complete without her face mask, her snorkel, and her harpoon gun?

This served as the inspiration for the 1965 Dolphin Slayer Barbie which was quickly pulled off the market thanks to marine life advocacy groups. Apparently they thought such doll taught little girls the fun of killing giant marine mammals, most of which are now on the endangered species list.

17. Always bring your horse while fishing because you never know when you may need it.

Of course, horses can only be good for carrying medium sized fish hauls. With large sharks, you’re going to need a car.

18. Behold, the Word of God from the mouths of babes.

This is wrong on so many levels. He’s probably saying “You’re going to hell. Now hand over your wallet.” This is a scam, plain and simple. Seriously, this child preacher thing is fucked up. I wonder what this kid’s parents are like.

19. What Scottish woman wouldn’t be without her trusty bagpipes?

I’m not sure if she’s going to play her bagpipes or assault someone with them off-camera. Either way, you really don’t want to mess with this bonny lass.

20. Is this from the place Liz Lemon goes on vacation? If not, someone’s going to get it from the fashion police.

Look, I don’t know about you, but black knee high socks and business shoes are never appropriate with white shorts. I mean seriously, this is a fashion abomination.

21. For some reason this scene seems to remind me of a Seinfeld episode.

Is this guy wearing a bro or a mansere? And why is the lady wearing one, too? Also, why is there a candelabra on a pink table in the middle?

22. There’s nothing like a lovely swimsuit model posing with a taxidermied polar bear.

Note the curtains were courtesy of the NRA. Also, sorry PETA. Still, aren’t polar bears an endangered species now? Maybe this shoot was sponsored by the Polar Bear Club.

23. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Ramblin’ Lou and his amazing technicolor dream suit.

With the way the country music industry is these days, I’m sure such flamboyant wardrobe displays would be frowned upon.

24. Guess the guy couldn’t find any girl to prom so he had to settle for a large T-Bone as his date. Wait a minute is that guy?

Sorry, I didn’t notice is was the 1968 Miss Nebraska in her androgynous 1960s Willa Cather style. Seriously, that is one of the ugliest pantsuits I have ever seen.

25. Nothing says “Greetings from down South in Dixie” like the patriotic American flag flying on a pole and a swimsuit model holding a flag symbolizing white supremacy.

Hate to offend Southerners here, but I detest this flag. Seriously, this has been associated with not just Southern identity but also used as protest against school desegregation during the Civil Rights Era and by the KKK. Some may see it as a symbol of heritage but to me, this is a symbol of hate, and that’s all I’m going to say.

26. Whatever happens in Bushkill Falls stays in Bushkill Falls.

Apparently, though Lisa and Grizzy would cherish this moment forever, both realized that it wouldn’t work out since they were from different worlds. Society would never understand the kind of love between humans and bears or accept such a pairing. Besides, Grizzy thought Lisa’s family was delicious.

27. Come to Salt Lake City and see the statue of Space Jesus.

Seriously, there are some Mormon beliefs that are pretty messed up. Still, this reminds me more of a statue of Zeus than Jesus given the space backdrop and clouds.

28. If any of my relatives sent me a postcard like this, I’d wonder whatever became of them.

Yeah, they’re having a wonderful time all right judging by the possibly haunted abandoned house in the picture. Still, they’re probably getting plenty of exercise from whatever horror monster is chasing them.

29. Sometimes I yearn back to the days when bears and humans treated each other as equals.

Apparently, around the turn of the 19th to 20th century, it wasn’t uncommon for Papa Bears to let their daughters seek human suitors just as long as they brought them home by ten.

30. Come and see the giant Jack-in-a-Box of your nightmares.

This is actually said to be from the Story Book Forest at Idlewild Park in Ligonier, which I’ve actually been to. I don’t remember seeing this but they probably removed it before I came around. Actually I did a Google Search on Story Book Forest and apparently this traumatizing inducing clown is still around. Nevertheless, this is pretty terrifying.

31. Come and hang around at the wax museum and see our figures try to kill themselves.

Somehow I don’t think a display of dangling wax figures by the noose is something I’d like to see. Also, why would anyone visit a wax museum in the first place?

32. There’s nothing more fun than happily frolicking in the tobacco fields.

Yes, you hear me, those are tobacco leaves, which are used in products that kill a third of its user. Yes, this leafy green plant is a known killer of millions. I can’t see in any way how this postcard is anything other than a tobacco commercial.

33. Though the postcard says this is a religious shrine, I can’t help seeing this as a still from a Wes Anderson movie or a tacky lawn display.

Let’s just say the ugly font and car aren’t helping things here. And, no, this is not from a Wes Anderson movie.

34. 82 Club Revue: A show combining the best elements of Lawrence Welk and RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I sincerely apologize to the gays for my comments. Still, this group of transvestites put Lady Gaga to shame.

35. As far as models are concerned, apparently flowers are considered to be clothes.

Well, it seems that this poor girl is wearing nothing but flowers. Seriously, you can see her tan lines. She’s probably being self-conscious among onlookers during the photo shoot and wishes she’d wear more modest attire like a bikini.

36. Come and have a blast in the Oklahoma oil fields.

Seriously, whoever in Oklahoma thought a postcard depicting an oil well fire would be a good idea out to be fired from the state’s tourist industry altogether. In the oil and gas industry, well fires are disasters that cause not only environmental devastation and destroy homes but also cost millions of dollars. This is not something that makes me want to visit Oklahoma. Rather it makes me want to avoid it altogether.

37. How many guys can boast about entering a beauty contest?

Reminds me of the Mr. Yough Competition during my high school days. Still, these guys would probably put the men of Monty Python to shame. And this swimsuit picture would never make the Sports Illustrated cover, not that it should. My apologies to cross dressers everywhere.

38. Who knew you could comb your hair underwater?

I’m sure personal grooming is perfectly easy underwater. Actually getting your hair untangled after swimming is a nightmare. Still, the real world isn’t like The Little Mermaid or Spongebob Squarepants for crying out loud.

39. Finally a place called Liberal in a state known for being infamously conservative and loony, especially when it comes to evolutionary teaching in schools.

Add to that it features a musical film starring an actress known to a appear in musicals with a large gay fanbase. Not to mention, it features a rainbow seen as a symbol for gay rights. Oh, the irony, the disappointing irony.

40. Greetings from the nudie beach.

Seriously, why would anyone would send a postcard from a nude beach? I mean no one wants to see a couple of bare butts in a postcard.

41. For those who long the lost days of big game hunting in Africa.

Many of these hunting trophies in this room are probably now considered endangered species. This is kind of like a zoo, except all the animals are dead, stuffed, and mounted.

42. Come to Las Vegas and gamble at the Las Vegas Club: The House of Jackpots.

Worst ad pitch for a Las Vegas gambling venue ever. Makes Vegas look pretty lame.

43. Come to Perry’s Nut-House and be hugged by a Maine Bear.

When I hear the words “nut” and “house” used together in the same sentence, I don’t usually think of a nature center. Also, the bear’s pretty creepy.

44. Greetings from the land where black people pick cotton and our leafy green plants kill millions worldwide.

Of course, the cotton picking by blacks reminds me of one of the great injustices in American history. Seriously, it’s offensive. As for the leafy green plants, they’re the least healthy ones on the planet.

45. Come to Dallas and visit the key moments of the Kennedy assassination.

This is simply a terrible postcard, especially since it tends to try to capitalize the murder of a US president, a national tragedy in itself. Seriously, Dallas, you could’ve used the Cowboys your people obsess about to annoying levels. Methinks you might be part of some larger conspiracy here.

46. Come see our Good Friday Passion Play.

For some reason, whenever I see this, I can’t think of anything else but Life of Brian. I mean the hair an beards are obviously fake and I’m sure one of Jesus’ disciples is wearing a robe made out of a shower curtain. Oh, and some of these guys are wearing light haired wigs.

47. Come to Daytona Beach and have your picture taken with Ferdinand the Bull like this little buckaroo.

I don’t think Ferdinand really likes having his picture taken and has been seriously thinking about goring some of the people who pose with him. Sometimes he wishes to be part of the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona where he can gore whatever human he wished.

48. See this lion jump through a ring of fire.

Of course, a lion could never have done this nowadays thanks to the animal rights groups who see this as cruel. But it was entertainment.

49. Guy is on the stocks for doing something naughty while the bystanders just laugh at him.

Guy in stocks: “Can either of you please let me out here. I have to scratch something. Anyone please? This isn’t funny!”

50. Meet everyone’s favorite ducky balloon making clown Quacky.

Oh, please, look away, look away. That clown is terrifying and stuff of nightmares. Also, the beak and webbed feet make him seem even more creepy.

51. What better way to commemorate the adding of two states than with two swimsuit models representing each.

Still, I don’t think fur coats and swimsuits go together. I mean they’re two pieces of clothing belonging in totally different climates.

52. And you should see the one that got away.

Sir, I hate to break it to you but shouldn’t your gigantic fish be strapped down on the roof of your station wagon? You know it can slip off at any time.

53. Just two dogs having a drink together. Is that cute?

Everyone knows you shouldn’t give your dog alcoholic beverages. This is so wrong.

54. Come to the lake with so many letters in it’s name, we’re not sure how to pronounce it.

Let’s hope this lake’s name doesn’t appear on a spelling test since having kids spell this word is cruel. Look, I know it may come from the Indians, but if everyone has a hard time saying it, then it must be changed.

55. Wow! Who knew that chainsaws came in so many bright colors.

Besides, what woman wouldn’t want a brightly colored chain saw that looks like it comes from a Martha Stewart line at Sears Kmart or Walmart?

56. What can an American housewife do if her apron didn’t match with the curtains and tablecloth?

Also, she appears to be making something to do with cherries, like martinis perhaps. Because 1950s housewives need them to escape from the empty vacuums of their lives as second-class citizens.

57. Stay at the Madonna Inn where everything is in bright red to set the mood.

This suite is simply hideous beyond all reason. It just seems more appropriate for a brothel or a place to have an affair than a room you’d stay with your family. Don’t let me stay there.

58. Come to Iowa and see the World’s Largest Talking Chef.

Please don’t let that terrifying talking chef hit me. This statue is bound to traumatize your kids. Oh, please, get me away from here!

59. Come at the Madonna Inn and stay at the Love Nest if you’re on your honeymoon.

Looks very much what you’d expect from a love nest but I don’t think it would be appropriate for a honeymoon suite. More like a sex dungeon or bordello.

60. Come to the Cowboy Cafe and enter under his crotch.

Seriously, does anyone in Texas know how family unfriendly this display is?

61. This man has seen them all, killed them all, and is wearing a leopard skin vest.

Seriously, that leopard vest is hideous. Also, I wouldn’t mind if this guy would be mauled by elephants on his next trip.

62. I’m sure there’s a song about the sand man but I don’t think this one inspired it.

Kid: Mommy, where’s Daddy? I thought I last saw him here a while ago.
Dad: Let me out! Let me out of here, goddammit!

63. Remember to always lock your trunk, or else a bear will get to your picnic basket.

Of course, some bears have such strength that they can just rip off the trunk door anyway. This is Yogi because he’s smarter than the average bear.

64. What kind of woman wouldn’t want bath tiles like these?

Of course, we’re not sure whether she has clothes on either. But what she’s wearing under the curtain is anyone’s guess.

65. Come and check out this awesome new shower stall.

Well, this is probably the limits of censorship as far as the 1950s go. Still, keep your minds out of the gutter.

66. Take a trip in the underground roller coaster with a giant spider.

No matter how big or fake looking a spider may be, it still appears terrifying to many.

67. What better way to have a picnic than underwater?

I don’t think the food will be great in the water. Besides, wouldn’t the make up and lipstick be smeared already?

68. Small children with parrots, wonder what can go wrong with that?

Either the parrots will attack the children or the kids will learn some naughty new words from them.

Either the parrots will attack the children or the kids will be introduced to a whole new vocabulary.

69. Some dogs just don’t know how to hunt.

You may have thought hunting is a skill which should come naturally to dogs. Still, it doesn’t answer how this dog learned to read.

70. For those who haven’t seen one, here’s one of the legendary jackalope.

No way this isn’t photoshopped or have any taxidermy involved, said no one ever. Seriously, jakalopes don’t exist. Those hares with “antlers” were later found with a fungal infection. Or were perhaps glued. Still, it’s a fine example of Western humor in taxidermy.

The Wonderful World of Peep Shows (No, Not That Kind)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 8, 2014

This week marked the start of the season of Lent which means that Easter will soon be upon us. And like many holidays, it does come with it’s share of decorations and hobbies. Every year it’s not unusual for certain venues to stage a peep competition in which people create scenes out of the sugar color coated chicks and rabbits that are unfit for human consumption. Trust me, they are. Yet, this doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with them like these people have. So without further adieu, here are some of my favorite peep dioramas that will give you a smile.

1. See the pink bunny on an afternoon in the art museum.

Seems to be very fond of the expressionists and Van Gogh here.

2. Watch a dramatic reenactment of 12 Angry Peeps.

Watch these twelve angry rabbits decide whether the accused gets smored.

3. Washchickton Crossing the Delaware.

Now this is a historical reenactment we can all get behind.

4. This bunny has done a very bad thing.

Dexter’s dark peepenger has awoken and is out for blood. So this pink bunny totally deserves it.

5. I don’t know how anyone could forget the Muppeeps.

Almost looks like a perfect picture of them. Really it does.

6. Take a sneak peek of the new season of acclaimed PeepBS drama Peepton Abbey.

I love this show and would totally see it all the characters were played by marshmallow bunnies.

7. Even peeps must now pass a security clearance.

And you thought air travel was a bitch these days.

8. Now see your favorite marshmallow peeps from space.

As the late Neil Peepstrong said, “That’s one small step for a peep, one giant leap in peepkind.”

9. Come one, come all to the Peepling Bros. Three Ring Circus.

Of course, nowadays, we don’t have a circuses under the Big Top anymore. And I’m not so sure they treat their elepeeps very well either.

10. Even peeps may not choose the best partners.

Still, this prison peep wedding scene is rather touching if you think about it.

11. When the time is right, Cialis will be there if you suffer from erectile dysfunction.

I may not understand the concept with the bathtubs in the Cialis commercials but this is very clever.

12. Jesus died for our sins and now he is risen.

I had to post one that captures the true spirit of Easter.

13. Watch the cardinals gather in Rome for the Peepal Conclave.

I love how these bunnies look in their red robes and crosses.

14. Because even peeps need a place to hold their bachelor parties.

Gives the concept of “peep show” a whole new meaning doesn’t it? This is pretty funny I had to post it.

15. I present you a dramatic reenactment of the wreck of the Edmund Peepsgerald.

This later inspired a song written by Canadian folk legend Gordon Lightfoot.

16. Watch this dramatic tribute to The Wizard of Peeps.

Now finally an adaptation that won’t traumatize your child.

17. See Moses parting the Red Sea from Cecil Peep. DeMille’s The Ten Commandpeeps.

Always loved it when Charlton Peepton said to Pharoh, "Let my peeple go!"

Always loved it when Charlton Peepton said to Pharaoh, “Let my peeple go!”

18. Watch the Peaple’s enter Peeperland via the Yellow Submarine.

I suppose not everyone has actually seen the film, have they? Still, “We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine.”

19. So this is what bunnies do when they get drunk.

Still, I don’t know if the bunny is completely sober at the karaoke bar.

20. Watch a dramatic reenactment of the Boston Peep Party.

I hope this historical moment didn’t give rise to the Peep Party Caucus centuries later.

21. Who could ever forget Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber on Peep Street.

Seriously, I don’t think the other bunnies might not want to know what’s in Mrs. Lovett’s marshmallow pies.

22. No one could ever resist a diorama of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds with Pippi Hedren.

I don’t like the look of black chicks on the jungle gym. I hope Pippi doesn’t get pecked to death.

23. Of course, even peeps have their reality shows like Jersey Peepe.

Unlike the real show, this isn’t nearly offensive to people in New Jersey. I also love the yellow bunnies’ tans. Thankfully the real show is cancelled.

24. Another hockey night with Pittsburgh Peepguins at the Consol Energy Center.

A Pens fan had to have done this. Of course, I don’t know who the person holding the Crosby’s Crispy sign is rooting for.

25. Nevertheless, we have to acknowledge that some peeples did practice peeple sacrifice.

I’m sure the Pre-Columbian peeples have their own rationale for doing this. Of course, they believed such activities ensured their survival.

26. You should also know that even peeps celebrate Festivus.

Here you see the yellow peeps criticizing each other, the red peeps erecting a bare pole, and the purple peeps preparing the feats of strength.

27. Of course, we can all agree that Harry Peeper is one of the greatest wizards who ever lived.

Now I think the Deathly Mallows is the last book of the series.

28. In an old house in Paris that was covered in vines, lived twelve little peeps in two straight lines.

Now I can’t tell which chick is Madeline.

29. Nobody can’t resist the childhood story of Goodnight Peeps.

Almost looks the same as in the Margaret Wise Brown story, which also involved rabbits.

30. Prepare for adventure in Indiana Peep and the Quest for the Golden Bear.

The natives don’t seem too happy with him. Of course, he probably destroyed their entire temple just to obtain that little trinket since “It belongs in a museum.”

31. If there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who ya’ gonna call? Ghost Peepers.

Of course, a peep diorama of Ghostbusters has to include the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy.

32. Remember the Alamo as done by the peeps.

Of course, this was the battle we lost Davy Chickett and James Bowpeep who invented his big ass knife.

33. Somehow peeps don’t seem to care for Chick-Fil-A for some reason.

Rather these chicks may think it’s better you eat at Steak n’ Shake.

34. It’s a fight to the death when Katniss reaches the Cornucopia.

You know this is about the Hunger Games. And no, the Cornucopia didn’t look like that in the book or the movie. Still, it’s pretty funny.

35. The Romneys might want to consider a dog kennel when they go on a family vacation.

I may think Romney is a steaming turd of a human being but I love this diorama. I especially like the dog on the roof of the car.

36. A peep show wouldn’t be complete without a US Civil War reenactment of some sort.

This diorama depicts a scene from 1861 Alexandria, Virginia which shows the deaths of Col. Elmer Ellsworth and Secessionist James Jackson at the Marshall House. These were said to be the first deaths in the US Civil War.

37. Occupy Peep Street: We are the 99%.

Sometimes you can only piss off a peep so far before they snap. Of course, this represents a whole generation screwed over by Wall Street.

38. Who could ever forget the hardships faced by the Joad family in The Peeps of Wrath by John Steinbeck?

Of course, this is the scene where they bury the old grandpa in Oklahoma. Things don’t get much better for them in California though.

39. Because even peeps can get crazy at parties.

I don’t like The Girls Gone Wild series because of how it treats its subjects. However, I think this is a clever parody.

40. You better watch out for Peepzilla.

As if the peeple of Tokyo hadn’t been through enough giant monsters.

41. Even peeps love to have a good time at Mardi Gras.

Well, I had to post a diorama for Mardi Gras somewhere. I mean it’s the start of Lent here.

42. Who can ever forget this iconic scene from Star Peep: The Original Series.

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Star Peep Enterprise. It’s mission: to seek out new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no peep has gone before.

43. A rendition of the iconic Nightpeeps by Edward Hopper.

They seem so friendly with each other do they?

44. Of course, every dinner has to have it’s share of crashers, even a White House state dinner.

Still, its cuter than the real thing. And the White House looks as resplendent in the background.

45. No Disney trip would be complete with out It’s a Small World ride in the Magic Kingdom.

Believe me, this diorama is much less creepy than the real thing.

46. I don’t think protesting the winter weather is going to help, peeps.

Still makes a good diorama though.

47. Oh, look, Sergeant Peeper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

So let me introduce to you, the one and only Billy Shears, and Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

48. Here’s a rendition of St. Bunidickt at the beach.

For those at Saint Vincent College, this is for you.

49. Even for peeps, it’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

Courtesy of The Village Peeple. Love their outfits.

50. Seems that these bunnies don’t like figs for some reason.

I mean they’re burning fig newtons for crying out loud.

Never Judge a Book by Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 25, 2014

Since last week, I have sent my manuscript for Cascade to a few independent publishers and have yet to hear from them. As of right now, I’ve sent it to six in which four have reported on receiving my submission. Yet, in the meantime, perhaps I can brush upon the importance of presentation. Of course, we’ve been told not to judge a book by its cover, but sadly many would-be buyers do since the title and cover design do have significant marketing value. I can go on with all the great presentation with the book titles and covers that sell, but it would be boring so I’m posting the titles and covers which would turn off potential buyers or at least make the book seem like a joke. Also, these are unintentionally hilarious. Still, at least I have the title covered. So without further adieu, here’s a collection of book design fails that you don’t want to miss. (I’m using covers from mainstream publishing not vanity or self-published stuff on Amazon because it wouldn’t be funny.) Some of this content may not be safe for work.

1. Still Stripping After 25 Years by Eleanor Burns

Seems like a sprightly old lady doesn’t she? Also, I’m sure women who’ve been stripping for 25 years look more or less like one of those women on Real Housewives but significantly poorer.

Please don’t be somebody’s grandma.

2. The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories by Alisa Surkis and Monica Nolan

I mean c’mon, please. I’m there are equine enthusiasts who happen to be lesbians but I’m not sure if they’d be into such a story.

For those who couldn’t get enough of Lynne Cheney’s western erotic lesbian novel Sisters.

3. Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete’s Handbook by Drew Magary

You know the title and the image sort of have a double meaning because all men have two balls in a sack but they don’t consist of a a soccer or basketball.

You know there are women professional athletes but I don’t think Women with Balls went so well.

4. Cooking with Poo by Saiwuud Diwong

Also, what’s with the shitty title? Still, looks like a normal ethnic cookbook. Wonder what her PBS cooking show would be like.

Either it consists of burning it or using it as an ingredient. I don’t want to know.

5. The Best Dad Is a Good Lover by Dr. Charlie Shedd

Seems like a relationship advice book for single mothers. Let’s sure as hell hope it is because I have a squicky feeling about the title.

As long as your dad and lover aren’t the same person in your life.

6. The Loneliest Ho in the World written by Travis Heaton and illustrated by Gary Andrews

In the adult book world The Loneliest Ho in the World would be about something not so innocent. Moreover, it wouldn’t have anything to do with Christmas.

This was probably created on a bet to see if who can come up with the most unintentionally inappropriate title for a children’s book.

7. Knitting with Dog Hair by Kendall Crolius and Anne Montgomery

Besides, I don’t think knitting with your dog’s hair is possible unless it’s one of those long haired sheep dogs.

I don’t think Fido is impressed with his new hat.

8. Goodbye Testicles by Anne Welsh Guy

Guaranteed to incite horrors among young boys worried about getting their balls cut off. Also, one of the few children’s books having the word “testicles” on the cover.

Just what I need for my younger cousins. A book about why we need to spay and neuter our pets.

9. Autism’s Politics and Political Factions: A Commentary by Thomas D. Taylor

In some ways, this is kind of offensive to people who actually have autism as well as a disappointment to gun enthusiasts.

Yet, you wouldn’t know it from the picture of the multi-barreled antique pistol shown.

10. Papa’s Problem: A Novel by Patrick Kendrick

And this got a Florida book award. Why, Florida? Why?

Let me guess, he owns a homicidal neo-Nazi rooster.

11. Isabella’s Last Gift by Laura Lawrence

Seriously what’s with the penguins among igloos and evergreens? They live in Antarctica, goddammit!

Either this is a romance novel or a children’s book involving penguins.

12. Sleeping with a Wall Street Banker by Marlene Morgan

Makes Wall Street Bankers seem a little on the homicidal side these days.

Looks like a fanfic spinoff of American Psycho to me.

13. Power of Positivity by Fred L. Von Guten O. D.

Looks more appropriate for a Gothic horror story than anything or a sci-fi fantasy book.

Yeah, that cover sure looks pretty positive doesn’t it?

14. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Takes all the dramatic tension out of it. And believe me, I read this book in high school.

I know this book is depicting the scene when Raskolnikov murders the heartless pawnbroker but I think it’s best left to the imagination.

15. Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

Those who are living under a rock will be very disappointed when they find out this isn’t a science fiction story akin to Star Wars.

Wow, didn’t know that Oz had fighter jets.

16. Computer Programs for the Kitchen by Terrence F. Dicker

Oh, and you sure wouldn’t be able to find recipes on that model which looks older than I am.

As if computer programs are really necessary for cooking.

17. Computer Sex Input by Deena Cross

Now we know how Robocop was conceived. Good God.

A computer-woman romance novel. Now I’ve seen everything.

18. Tarzan by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Hmm….Tarzan and monkey in cave alone with a bow and arrow stash. Wonder whether the monkey will either be eaten or worse.

Tarzan looks a little too friendly with that monkey.

19. It’s Easy to Play Classical Themes arranged by Cyril Watters

I don’t like the look of this set up. Seems like Beethoven has something dirty on his mind with that kid on his lap.

I don’t think you should trust Beethoven with your kids. You really shouldn’t.

20. The BIG Coloring Book of Vaginas written and illustrated by Morgan Hastings

Of course, I’ve heard about The Vagina Monologues but this is ridiculous. No way in hell do I want to give this to any kid.

Worst coloring book idea ever.

21. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

And boy would many guys be disappointed once reading it, or not.

I’m not sure if this book depicts a naked girl or not. Is probably appearing there to get a certain demographic who’d read anything with a naked woman on the cover.

22. Ooozing for My Lord by Betty Carolyn Hearon-Love

Looks like it if you’re jerking off for Jesus. Sorry but if there’s any seemingly inappropriate connotations in the title for anything to do with Christianity, I’m putting it on there, baby.

So does this mean that masturbation is okay now?

23. How Green Were the Nazis? Nature, Environment, and Nation in the Third Reich edited by Franz-Joseph Bruggemeir, Mark Cioc, and Thomas Zeller

Not that I’d want to anyway because they were among the most brutal people who ever existed. So I’d really don’t care how they’d treat Bambi.

Well, other than starting a world war, a series of death camps for certain demographics, and a construction plan designed by a guy with massive delusions of grandeur, I really wouldn’t know how green the Nazis were.

24. Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself by Dale Power

Also, it’s quite easy to make a coffin. Just make a man-sized wooden box and put a dead body in it.

Those look pretty expensive to make. Besides, I don’t think these were made by amateurs.

25. Unlocking Your Bowels for Better Health by Salem Kirban

The cover says “Twentieth century living has taken a toll on man’s elimination organs. This book reveals how to restore normal healthy function again!” Wow and I thought it was about pooping and BDSM!

Somehow the lock and chain is a metaphor for constipation.

26. Do It Rhino Style: Magrogan’s Method to Rapid Goal Achievement by Dave Magrogan with Molly Nece

Besides, I don’t like the look of this guy. Seems like a member of an organized crime syndicate to me.

Not sure if this is a self-help book or a sex manual.

27. Zombie Raccoons and Killer Bunnies edited by Martin H. Greenberg and Kerrie Hughes

Only the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch can stop these critters now. Seriously, I can’t talk about this cover without bringing up Monty Python jokes up. Of course, raccoons do spread rabies though.

Oh, I think Monty Python killed the effect of this title as far as the killer bunnies go. “What’s it gonna do? Nibble my bum?”

28. The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy

Of course, he could be a time traveler and use this as a cover nowadays.

I’m sure the Scarlet Pimpernel was a 18th century caper saving French aristocrats from the French Revolutionary rabble, not a contemporary businessman with a cat.

29. The Practical Pyromaniac by William Gurstelle

Wonder how many arsons this book inspired. Perhaps this is a go-to guide for arsonists.

Great, now a book about setting things on fire.

30. How to Shit in the Woods by Kathleen Meyer

Of course, the cover seems to say it all. All you need is a roll of toilet paper and a shovel as well as some place where the sun doesn’t shine on your ass.

A great book to take on any long term hiking trip with no bathrooms along the way.

31. The Beginner’s Guide to Sex in the Afterlife

Of course, this make perfect sense if you believe in that sort of thing.

As if you’ll be having sex after you’re dead. Seriously who writes this shit?

32. Games You Can Play with Your Pussy: And Lots of Other Stuff Cat Owners Should Know

Of course, I don’t see how you could play chess with your cat. Also, the title is so inappropriate.

This is for cat owners, not female masturbators.

33. Scouts in Bondage by Geoffrey Prout

And this is an old children’s book to add to the irony. Really, the cover seems kind of gay and disturbing.

Now I wonder why the Boy Scouts seem so homophobic. Course, there seems to be plenty of BDSM sexual action as far as the cover shows.

34. Anybody Can Be Cool…But Awesome Takes Practice by Lorraine Peterson

Seriously, this looks like some sort of 1990s stock photograph or something. Written by the woman of If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open?

I’m sure the teenagers posing for the obligatory diversity shot certainly didn’t want to be seen with the blond douche.

35. The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning by Simcha Fisher

One of the most sexually explicit Christian book covers I’ve ever seen. I mean the two naked people are literally having sex in church which is okay if you’re straight married and not using artificial birth control as far as this book is concerned.

I’m sure the priest in the confessional is not too happy since he probably won’t be getting any.

36. Under the Mantle: Marian Thoughts from a 21st Century Priest by Donald H. Calloway MIC

Also, the sunglasses and surfboard really don’t help things either. Seriously, who gets away with this shit?

I think this priest needs a better title for his book, preferably one without the sexual connotations. I mean he’s supposed to be celibate here.

37. Little Bobby’s Drunk Again by Herbert Biddleman

Sure hope Bobby doesn’t get liver cirrhosis at a young age. Or worse. Also, who the hell is giving him drinks?

Is this a children’s book about juvenile alcoholism or what? Seriously who writes this shit?

38. The Princess Bride by William Goldman

The cover depicts something you’d see from an erotic sci-fi novel, not what inspired a family friendly fantasy film.

I’m sure Buttercup was never a Sucubus. Seriously.

39. How to Make Money in Your Spare Time by 673126 (Note: author’s pen name)

I mean just look at the author’s name. It’s his prison number for Christ’s sake.

Okay, there are plenty of good ways to make money in your spare time. Being a hitman isn’t one of them.

40. Cooking to Kill: the Poison Cook Book concocted by Prof. Ebenezer Murgatroyd with comic drawings by Herb Roth

This would’ve came in handy for those two sweet little old ladies in Brooklyn, you know, the ones who poisoned old gentlemen callers through the elderberry wine.

Just add salt, pepper, and good old fashioned arsenic.

41. How to Avoid Huge Ships by Captain John W. Trimmer

Of course, in some situations at sea, you might want to welcome the presence of a huge ships. At least they’re one of the nice things to see in the remotest corner of civilization.

Great, something everyone needs if they’re a fugitive at sea.

42. They Did It with Horses a scrapbook of photos from the Philip Weber Collection

Anyone anticipating pictures of people having sex with horses will be sincerely disappointed looking in this one.

Sure the cover of a horse drawn carriage is nice but the title is mildly suggestive of bestiality.

43. Down Home Gynecology by Dr. Martin and Mary Sue Jaffee

And what’s with the naked woman silhouette on the cover? Jesus Christ!

Sorry, but I don’t want to know how I can do my own pap smear.

44. How to Succeed in Business without a Penis: Secrets and Strategies for the Working Woman by Karen Salmonsohn

Of course, this is a book for the working woman, not the working eunuch who may not have a penis either.

Sheryl Sandberg may not be the most reliable self-help guru to women in the workplace but at least she chose a better title than this woman.

45. Teach Your Wife to Be a Widow by Donald I. Rogers

Of course, if you teach your wife to be a widow, she may become a black widow if you succeed.

Such a sexist piece of advice from the 1950s.

46. How to Get a Teenage Boy & What to Do with Him When You Get Him by Ellen Peck

The go-to guide for all Mrs. Robinsons everywhere. For instance, make sure he’s 18 or else you may risk being arrested on statutory rape.

Surely the girl on this cover surely doesn’t look like a teenager.

47. The Torture Device Coloring Book by Erik C. Ruhling

Hey, at least it doesn’t have any sex organs you can color. Still, this is disturbing. Torture devices, seriously?

A coloring book only Dick Cheney would love.

48. Are Your Children Playing with Lucifer’s Testicles? The Truth about Easter Eggs by Dr. Daniel Cameroon

Fundamentalist Christians: Taking the fun out of everything since, well, ever. At least the Puritans drank and smoked for God’s sake. Next thing they’ll say is that Christmas is too pagan or something like that.

Now out of all the Christian titles I’ve seen this one is totally fucked up. I mean the guy’s talking about the sinfulness of Easter eggs for God’s sake!

49. Matilda Who Told Lies and Was Burned to Death written by Hillaire Belloc and illustrated by Steven Kellogg

Seriously guaranteed to make children shit in their pants and never tell a lie again. Yeah, right.

Hmm…makes A Series of Unfortunate Events more upbeat for some reason.

50. Virgin Heat by Laurence Shames

I mean what else could a cute little kitty in a ring of fire could mean metaphorically? Or something about a virgin getting horny for someone.

Makes me wonder that what inspired June Carter Cash to write “Ring of Fire” was a yeast infection.

51. The Doom Pussy by Elaine Shepard

What do you mean it’s about Vietnam? I sure as hell wouldn’t know.

This has to be porn. Really, this has a very dirty title.

52. Unanswered Prayers by Penny Richards

Seriously, there’s nothing romantic having a couple pose framed at a crotch shot. It’s disgusting. Really disgusting.

Sure there’s nothing more romantic than having a picture of someone’s crotch on the cover.

53. Coyote’s Big Penis and Other Stories by Guy Mount

Seems like this whole cover appears unintentionally dirty for some reason. I don’t know why.

Isn’t the cover kind of suggestive here? You don’t need phallic imagery to tell us the coyote has a giant dong.

54. Got Cancer? Spring Break Gone Bad by James J. Gaudio

Hey, if this book doesn’t have anything about making meth, then I don’t want to read it. I’ve already seen Breaking Bad you know.

Read this guy was a chemistry teacher before he got cancer. I’m not naming names but who does he kind of remind you of?

55. Microwave for One by Sonia Allison

Still, at least the food would be better for you than ramen noodles and on a budget. This is pretty lame, though.

Because there’s more to microwave cooking than ramen noodles.

56. Invisible Dick by Frank Topham

Just so you know, dick is a boy, not a penis.

Now this is a children’s book that will incite a lot of shits and giggles.

57. The Long Journey of Mr. Poop by Angele Delanouis and Marie Lafrance

Seriously, why is a turd carrying a handbag and wearing a beret? Also, why does it have legs?

Great, now a children’s book about poop. Really shows how bad children’s book authors would go for creative ideas.

58. Forth on the Atari: Learning by Using Forth by E. Floegel

I’m sure a lot a people will be disappointed that the game won’t have as much eroticism than the cover. I mean, judging the contents of Atari games.

Who knew that 1980s video games can be so kinky? Neither did I.

59. Dump Him Marry the Cat

Of course, there’s another book called Dump Her Marry the Dog but I haven’t seen it.

I’m sure Mr. Whiskers would be happy to settle for a human woman and not anyone of his own species.

60. The Little People by John Christopher

I’m sure anyone who’s Jewish shouldn’t dare go after one in hopes of getting its pot of gold. Instead, find a Nazi leprechaun and a Jew may find him or herself in a concentration camp.

A novel on Nazi Leprechauns, now I’ve seen everything. Good God.

Hail to the Chief US Presidential Portraits

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 17, 2014

Since Presidents’ Day is around the corner, I thought it would be best to commemorate the occasion with a list of presidential artwork as much as the eye could see. Since the US constitution was ratified, we had a string of forty-three US presidents who left their mark of leadership on this country for good and for ill. Of course, I could go all day including the official presidential portraits but that would be boring. Instead, I’ll go for a much more interesting fare, something not much presidential and more in a non-traditional manner. So without further adieu, here is your updated gallery of presidential portraits like you’ve never seen them before.

1. George Washington- See the Father of Our Country juxtaposed with the Terminator and, yes, he will be back.

He may be first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, but he will certainly lead a revolution on your ass with that gun of his.

2. John Adams- Caught writing in the margins of his books. Too bad he didn’t use pencil instead.

Still, I hope it’s not a book he’ll have to return to the library. Because he’ll have to pay for it for being defaced.

3. Thomas Jefferson- Here he is showing the Declaration of Independence in front of gorillas.

Of course, gorillas can’t read and wouldn’t understand what the Declaration of Independence would mean.

4. James Madison- In Lord of War wearing a regular suit. Granted he’s actually one of our nation’s most underrated presidents and Father of our Constitution.

Would’ve been better if there were a burning White House in the background but I kind of had to make do. Of course, British did set fire to the White House during his presidency I kid you not.

5. James Monroe- Carrying ham for dinner. Of course, he did issue the Monroe Doctrine, too, and was very popular in his day that they call his term “The Era of Good Feelings.” Also, I’ve actually visited his grave, by the way, which is in a cage.

Though he was a significant president, his tomb kind of seems hardly what you’d expect from a former US president. Still, he’s interred in a cage.

6. John Quincy Adams- Sporting long white mutton chops like a senior citizen werewolf. Kind of intense, too.

Hey, at least I didn’t post a picture of Anthony Hopkins playing him in Amistad. Also, he liked to swim in the nude and has his clothes snatched by a reporter.

7. Andrew Jackson- No alien should want to get in a duel with him.

It’s said that he had such a filthy mouth that his pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral. Also, had a reputation for being rather aggressive and played dirty politics. Not to mention, some of his policies were highly questionable such as nixing the US Bank and Indian Removal.

8. Martin Van Buren- His hairstyle is to die for, especially if it’s in funky colors.

Will always be remembered for his facial hair but was hardly a remarkable president.

9. William Henry Harrison- Though the hero of Tippecanoe, he was only president for 30 days before succumbing to a pneumonia. Also, ran a false campaign saying he was born in a log cabin though his dad had signed The Declaration of Independence.Still, I wouldn’t say he was an attractive fellow with his long schnozz.

Well, what can I say, the man was dead in thirty days? Note: Don’t plan on reciting a long inauguration speech on a rainy day.

10. John Tyler- This is a picture of him in his younger years. Not bad. However, he’d go on to be universally hated by everyone in his party during his presidency but at least he kind of helped establish who takes over after the president dies. Fathered 15 kids with his youngest daughter living into the Truman administration as well as betrayed his country towards the end for the Confederacy. I’ve seen his grave as well, I think.

By his physical description, I’m sure his kids made good with his genetics. Still, many did consider him a turd though. And his grave has a bust of him. Known to be the first guy to declare himself president after his predecessor died which cleared up matters tremendously.

11. James K. Polk- Depicted as a zombie. Granted we did have the Mexican War under him as well as gained a great deal of territory. Did everything he said he would, unlike many presidents.

Has a voracious appetite for brains, usually consisting of dead soldiers from the Mexican Wars. Of course, they weren’t the freshest around by that time.

12. Zachary Taylor- On a very bad hair day. I mean Old Rough and Ready is more like Old Fluff and Ready.

And does he look gorgeous in that fro? And how. Sadly, he died a little over a year in office.

13. Millard Fillmore- With the Shepard Fairey treatment. Still, this guy had a lot of quirks, signed the Fugitive Slave Act, and helped found The Know Nothing Party which was nativist and Anti-Catholic.

Yet, he was a Whig even though he’s said to be a complete weirdo and/or turd.

14. Franklin Pierce- Depicted as a snazzy redhead. Known for having the first Christmas Tree in the White House. However, was seen as a pro-slavery Democrat from New Hampshire, a drunk, and one of the worst presidents ever. The fact he saw Bleeding Kansas under his presidency doesn’t help matters either.

Of course, he did have nice hair, even though he was a terrible president from the Granite State. Said to have fallen off his horse during the Mexican Wars as well as a hero “of many a well fought bottle.” Still, a very deeply unlucky man.

15. James Buchanan- Sure he’s from Pennsylvania and might’ve been gay, but he’s one of the worst presidents we ever had whose administration oversaw the United States divided in two. Also, though unmarried, wasn’t very attractive.

Said to have been sent to Russia so no one would have to deal with him. Last words were “History will vindicate me.” It didn’t. Considered the worst president and an embarrassment to Pennsylvania (besides Tom Corbett).

16. Abraham Lincoln- The Great Emancipator rides a bear carrying an AK-47.

Of course, this is a guy with a whole list of presidential accomplishments and might be considered the best. Just wait until they see his Gettysburg Address.

Of course, this is a guy with a whole list of presidential accomplishments and might be considered the best who helped free the slaves and save the Union through whatever means necessary. His role in winning it made the US a stronger nation than before in the long term. Just wait until they see his Gettysburg Address.

17. Andrew Johnson- Doesn’t look very happy. A self-made man and Southern Unionist, he didn’t care much for Southern aristocrats or blacks either so he wasn’t a fan of Reconstruction. Was impeached for firing a cabinet member and since the Radical Republicans simply didn’t like him, but survived by just one vote.

Believe it or not his wife (who he married as a teenager) taught him to read and write. He may have shared some of Lincoln's views but had none of his warm personality.

Believe it or not his wife (who he married as a teenager) taught him to read and write (who he probably owes much of his career to for he wouldn’t have gone very far without her). He may have shared some of Lincoln’s views but had none of his warm personality. Of course, my eastern Tennessee ancestors would’ve shared attitudes similar to him since I had a 3rd great grandfather from Tennessee who fought for the Union (along with a few of his brothers).

18. Ulysses S. Grant- Seen here with sunglasses and a can of Folgers after a night getting drunk on just two drinks (actually it was his cigar smoking that killed him). Still, he was a masterful military general who was ahead of his time (him and Sherman are said to be the first 20th century generals) who did win the US Civil War. Also, was said to be a very well liked president despite it being the 1870s who traveled the world after leaving office, wrote an autobiography, as well as one of the biggest presidential funerals ever. Not to mention, he has awesome tomb in New York my mom didn’t know even existed.

Of course, Grant probably didn’t wear sunglasses but he sure could’ve used them. Still, if I ever get the chance to go to New York City, I will visit his tomb. Held a lot of modern views and aggressively treated the KKK as the terrorists they were.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes- Seen as a weary old man with an awesome long beard. Won the presidency by just one vote and didn’t serve any booze in the White House. Had nine kids with his wife who he met in college (really and they both had graduated, too).

Still, he’s better remembered in Paraguay. Not mention, his ending of Reconstruction had a lot of negative repercussions for blacks (like segregation). Called “Rutherfraud” or “His Fraudulency” by his enemies.

20. James A. Garfield- Not to be confused with the cat, this guy was best known for being shot at the train station by a disgruntled office seeker. Could’ve been saved if if he had been treated by modern medicine and if Alexander Graham Bell’s metal detector had found the bullet. Awesome beard though.

They said he may have made a decent president, if he hadn’t have gotten shot. Still, he was right to refuse the guy who would eventually kill him since the man was crazy.

21. Chester A. Arthur- The president with the awesome whiskers who brought down the spoils system after being a beneficiary of it almost all his life (of course, since his predecessor was shot by a disgruntled office seeker, it’s understandable why he’d change his position).

Also said to be a natty dresser and work six hour days. However, he did get a lot done in his term. Not to mention, there were rumors about him being born in Canada which are certainly not true (he was born in Vermont). Didn’t serve a second term because of his health but he was rather popular in his lifetime.

22 & 24. Grover Cleveland- Depicted as a Sesame Street character. Served 2 non-consecutive terms, married his ward in the White House, admitted he fathered an illegitimate child (more like taking one for the team), and was said to be underrated according to Libertarians (odd for a Democrat but he’s said to oppose unions). Also, his daughter had a candy bar named after her called the Baby Ruth (according to some but probably not).

Contrary to the name and picture, Grover Cleveland has nothing to do with Sesame Street or Ohio.

23. Benjamin Harrison- Grandson of William Henry Harrison and was probably elected because of his awesome beard. However, he and his wife were afraid of electricity and he had such an icy personality that Cleveland was voted back in.Seen on a horse in his Civil War years.

Then again, Cleveland was a draft dodger while he actually fought. Also was called “The Human Iceberg.” Had two possums named Mr. Protection and Mr. Reciprocity.

25. William McKinley- President during the Spanish American War and the first year of the 20th century. Appointed Teddy Roosevelt as his vice president so his party members could keep him out of the way. After winning reelection, gets assassinated by an anarchist. Here’s his campaign poster.

Prosperity for the 1% anyway yet he did help the US achieve world power status. Ironically was assassinated next to an X-Ray machine that could’ve saved his life.

26. Teddy Roosevelt- Hunts Bigfoot and shoots him dead.

And this is why no one has ever found Bigfoot. Still, he’s one of the most badass presidents ever with long list of accomplishments and a colorful personality and family to boot. Has a cuddly toy named after him.

27. William Howard Taft- Had a rather disappointing administration as far as Teddy Roosevelt is concerned that he ran against him on the Progressive Party during 1912. Best known for being so fat to get stuck in a bath tub and having to install a new one which could fit 4 people. Became Chief Justice of the Supreme Court after leaving office.

And here’s him eating Valentine’s Day chocolates from his White House bathtub. Would’ve been easier to design a shower stall instead.

28. Woodrow Wilson- Stern, racist, and intellectual, he was a visionary for formation of the United Nations and help start the Federal Reserve (you’d have to give him credit on that). Not to mention, he did try to have Germany be treated decently (Germany getting the shaft was Clemenceau’s not Wilson’s). Also, led our country during WWI and his administration saw women getting the right to vote for the first time as well as the beginning of Prohibition and income tax. Wasn’t one of the best presidents but hardly one of the worst.

The League of Nations was actually one of his good ideas. Yet, this wasn’t well received in the US and the Senate refused member recognition.

29. Warren G. Harding- Smoked and partied at the White House. Administration oversaw Teapot Dome (the worst US political scandal before Watergate, which oversaw the incarceration of a US cabinet member). Had mistresses but probably fathered no illegitimate children (he was sterile contrary to what Boardwalk Empire says). Dies three years in under mysterious circumstances.

Probably unfit to be president and all too trusting. Yet, his personal habits with alcohol did show how Prohibition was a bad idea. Oh, but it was the 1920s.

30. Calvin Coolidge- Sworn in by his old man (a justice of the peace) while staying in his New England home. Was so laissez-faire that his economic policies might’ve been responsible for the Stock Market Crash of 1929 (which might make him a grandfather of Reaganomics but not in a good way). Was a man of few words who didn’t let his wife wear pants.

Sure, he may be one of the nice silent types, but he did help make the Roaring Twenties roar. However, his opposition to granting federal aid in all forms ended, especially when he should’ve. Not to mention, signed a racist immigration policy.

31. Herbert Hoover- Of course, while seen as a very smart man with an equally smart wife who can speak Chinese as well as seen a great humanitarian during the 1920s, he was a fairly lousy president given the circumstances. I mean the Great Depression happened under his watch and what he did do didn’t amount to much (with the exception of Hoover Dam).

In some ways, he’s kind of the Republican’s version of Jimmy Carter. Of course, he might have done all right but just didn’t have the knack of taking a grasp of the situation in his term. He’s proof that sometimes businessmen don’t make good presidents.

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt- Encapsulated in a transformer so who wants to mess with him now?

Forget Captain America, I want FDR Prime on my side. Take that Hitlertron! Besides, many of his New Deal policies are still around today and he did help lead our country into World War II. Also, had King George VI eat a hotdog.

33. Harry S. Truman- Here one of our great self-made men and ultimate smart aleck sports a zoot suit to emphasize that “The buck stops here, Daddy-O.”

The only president to use nuclear weapons. He helped implement the Marshall Plan as well as fire MacArthur (which needed to be done). "The Dewey Defeats Truman" headline is particularly ironic (since he pounded the guy by a landslide for being much more likeable.)

The only president to use nuclear weapons. He helped implement the Marshall Plan, desegregate the military, as well as fire MacArthur (which needed to be done). “The Dewey Defeats Truman” headline is particularly ironic (since he pounded the guy by a landslide for being much more likeable.)

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower- Supreme Allied Commander during WWII, Commander of NATO, saw the worst of the Cold War, the beginnings of the Civil Rights Movement, the Vietnam War, and modern Middle East politics. Appointed Nixon as vice president. Best known for his bald head.

The last great Republican president, as far as I’m concerned. Of course, he did help end the Korean War for now but a lot of terrible shit did happen during his presidency like the Red Scare.

35. John F. Kennedy- On a moon riding a robotic unicorn with a laser horn.

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country. Now use your laser horn of death, Robosparkles!”- JFK Also, don’t ask me about his assassination or any conspiracy surrounding it. Let’s not go there.

36. Lyndon B. Johnson- Probably now laughing in his grave knowing that all the young people who complained about him for escalating the Vietnam War are now on Medicare. Not to mention, signed a lot of Civil Rights legislation which would later cost his party the South (explaining why many Southerners are now Republican). Has a long list of accomplishments and stories.

LBJ: Living in his Great Society programs and under effects of his Civil Rights legislation whether you like it or not. Also, he’s known to be very weird at times.

37. Richard M. Nixon- See Tricky Dick wrestle a saber-tooth tiger. Of course, he’ll do it through his dirty tricks since he was pretty much an asshole.

Between the two of them, I’d root for the Sabertooth. I mean the guy’s certainly a crook who’d do almost anything to win. Not to mention, he tried to pull many dirty tricks on his enemies.

38. Gerald R. Ford- Played college football, worked as a model, and pardoned Nixon (to some people’s chagrin). Wife is more famous than him since she spread awareness about breast cancer and alcoholism.

Possibly one of the ugliest busts of a president I’ve ever seen. Hate to say this but it makes Gerry look like a space alien.

39. Jimmy Carter- His heart was in the right place but wasn’t the best president though he did set some good examples like the White House Solar Panels. Also, helped bring peace between Israel and Egypt (which may now be in jeopardy). More memorable as an ex-president though.

Look, Georgia, as lame as Carter may be as a president, he’s still less of an embarrassment than Pierce or Buchanan. I mean the guy travels to Third World countries to dig latrines for villages. Also, I don’t know what to make of this artwork.

40. Ronald Reagan- The Gipper rides and causes a shooting spree on his velocipede. Of course, don’t forget to duck. Also, don’t mention Iran Contra and the Savings and Loans scandals either. He doesn’t like that.

Look, I may not like Reagan, but I think this image does some justice for his fans. Still, he’s an overrated president who did make his mistakes. Also, his policies didn’t bring the end of the Cold War which was set to end anyway and even he realized that Reaganomics wasn’t good for the economy.

41. George H. W. Bush- As a zombie who wants everyone to “Read my lips, no new taxes. Now give me your brains.”

By seeing him like this, it’s understandable why his president was Dan Quayle. Because Quayle had no brains to eat as well as served as a viable protection against would-be assassins.

42. Bill Clinton- In the midst of utter turmoil with an intern by his side, Slick Willy protects America from the threat of hostile corporate giant Ronald McDonald.

Clinton may not be a perfect guy but he’s a Rhodes Scholar with an equally amazing wife. Not to mention, you really can’t help but like the man.

43. George W. Bush- Sucking the blood from the Statue of Liberty’s neck with his fangs.

Hey, it could be worse, could be one of the sparkly vampires from Twilight. At least he doesn’t sparkle. Still, there’s no way I can depict this guy favorably. There are hundreds of reasons why I dislike him and his presidency that I don’t want to put down since it’s a long list.

44. Barack Obama- Riding on a lion armed with a crossbow and light saber, Barry is no man to mess with.

Now here’s change I can believe in. Still, like him or not, he’s better than Bush in comparison. At least he got Bin Laden, get healthcare passed, end the Iraq War, and helped avoid war with Syria. Not to mention, he does look very badass on the lion which looks very hungry for John Boehner.

Valentines Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 14, 2014

Valentines Day is one of the many holidays in which sweethearts exchange many kinds of gifts, especially sweets. Of course, it’s not uncommon for many to buy a specially made cake. For those interested, I can go on and on what lovely cakes cakes you can give to your loved one for Valentines Day. However, for those who looking for ideas, don’t use this post for inspiration since this is devoted to cakes you don’t want to send to your devoted sweetheart. Actually this post is for the cake ideas you want to avoid as well as serve as a kind of entertainment to those single on this day of love. So without further adieu, here are some Valentines Day cakes nobody wants to get.

1. This is a perfect cake for your sweetheart on Valentines Day, assuming that you two are avid fans of Star Trek.

Of course, if you’re the only Star Trek fan and your valentine can’t stand it, then I’m afraid your relationship is dead, Jim. And I mean as dead as a redshirt on an alien planet.

2. The perfect way to tell your sweetheart that you’re willing to settle for them because you can’t find anyone better.

The perfect cake to give to Mr. Good Enough or Mr. Right Now because you’re just tired of dating and your biological clock is ticking.

3. Of course, what better to tell than this beauty to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day as well as tell them you don’t want any kids.

Sure what better way to tell your sweetheart that babies are diaper wearing little monsters. A word of caution to guys: If you plan to give your girl this cake, make sure she doesn’t have a pregnancy test with a + on it or anything relating to her being in the family way.

4. Sending this lovely cake may result in your beloved quickly dumping you and slamming it in your face before rushing to the doctor’s.

This cake has spelled doom to many relationships, especially since it kind of appears like a revelation of infidelity and possibly not practicing safe sex.

5. For the love bug in your life who gives you butterflies…….I think. Well, it looks like a butterfly.

Or it could look like something else, but I’m not sure if I want to dwell on it. Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

6. If you’re sending cupcakes, best not to give your loved one ones that say this.

Or loved one would soon be the butt of all the jokes, won’t they?

7. If you want to get some for Valentines Day, it’s best to be up front about it.

Of course, giving your sweetheart a cake saying “I’m horny for you” with a unicorn on it is not what I had in mind.

8. What can go wrong with a teddy bear on your cake, assuming you and your beloved are into that sort of thing.

Assuming that your kids aren’t around and if one of you is a big fan 50 Shades of Grey and Build-A-Bear Workshop.

9. Of course, sometimes it’s okay to go a little different once in awhile.

However, God only knows whatever the hell this thing is supposed to be?

10. For the one you’d want to tell to eat their heart out.

This is pretty gory for a Valentines cake. Also, whatever is chewing the heart doesn’t seem to have any eyes.

11. What better way to tell your sweetheart that they make you feel warm and light up your life.

Though the heart saying “You + Me” is placed on top what looks like a flaming pile of shit.

12. Perhaps this is the best way to say Happy Valentines Day to your loved one and tell them that it’s strictly physical.

And if you’re a woman, perhaps ruin everything about your childhood. Also, this is flagrantly inappropriate for for children and could possibly traumatize them.

13. What better way to tell your sweetheart they’re the key to your heart or that they satisfy your primal urges like no other.

In some ways this can be interpreted that a key to a man’s heart is through his penis.

14. Perhaps this Princess Bride inspired cake can never underestimate the value of true love.

Though the sword seems to pertain to other connotations which might make a man seem a little self-conscious about his own “sword.”

15. So who can ever resist roses on Valentines Day?

Especially brown ones that look like chunks of dog shit with leaves on them.

16. Because there is never a better way to tell your sweetheart you’ve been shot in the heart, literally.

Of course, this is a relatively graphic depiction. Perhaps it’s better if the heart isn’t anatomically correct.

17. Of course, what better way to express your wish to see other people without having to confront them in person than sending your significant other a cake like this.

Of course, the receiver should look on the bright side, since they could spend drowning their sorrows eating it as well as it’s chocolate. Besides, anyone unwilling to break up with you in person doesn’t deserve you anyway.

18. Yet, what better way to tell your significant other that you hate them and have been planning to ditch them for a long time.

This may be overdoing it a bit but at least those jerks will get the message. Still, it’s probably better if you throw it at them.

19. For women: Best way to wish your man Happy Valentines Day and that you want him to get a vasectomy.

This might make guys shrink in fear but at least it’s clear that she doesn’t want any (or anymore) kids.

20. Happy Valentines Day from your nightmares.

Is this a sheep or a bunny? Because it sure as hell looks very terrifying. Die, you fluffy thing! Die, I tell you!

21. For men: What better way to wish your woman Happy Valentines Day as well as tell her that you’re planning to have her sleep with other guys for money.

Ladies, you might want to give he burning house cake if any guy gives you this one.

22. Best way to wish your significant other “Happy Valentines Day, my ass!”

This is actually pretty clever but I don’t think recipients would take an upside down heart cake as a compliment.

23. Best way to wish your sweetheart Happy Valentines Day and that they’re stuck with you.

Somehow I’m not very comfortable with the ball and chain metaphor. I don’t know, I just find it disturbing.

24. No Valentines cake can be as sickeningly sweet as this….creature here.

Reminds me of a ferocious alien creature from a sci-fi horror movie. Seriously, it’s very terrifying. Kill it! Kill it with fire!

25. What better way to say “Be Mine” than a cake of a dead bee.

Looks like a bee with a heart on its chest after hitting a windshield.

26. There is no better way to tell your sweetheart that they give the best, well, you figure it out.

Sure your loved one may like hearing that you give them the best BJ’s but they probably don’t want that written on a cake.

27. What better way to say “Be Mine” than with a heart shaped cake with what appears to be bees, I think.

Though they don’t have wings, which makes them seem like giant yellow ants with black stripes on them.

28. Happy Valentines Day from the bottom of my colon? Wait a minute.

I thought it was said that true love comes from the heart and not Uranus.

29. Happy Valentines Day from the Heart Monster.

And those purple things are its hands used to take your soul. It wants to eat you.

30. The best way to tell you’re significant other that you’re not that into them.

Then why a heart shaped cookie cake saying so then?

31. Happy Valentines Day from the Cookie Monster. No, I don’t mean that Cookie Monster.

I think the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street was far less terrifying than this one. I mean who makes these cookies. These hearts look evil.

32. Happy Valentines Day from the heart cookie eating monster from Pac-Man, I think.

Still, at least it’s eating those monstrous looking cookies. Yet, I can’t see how anyone would think this is cute.

33. Happy Valentines Day from this googly eyed thingy. Seriously I don’t know what it is.

Kind of reminds me of Admiral Akbar from Return of the Jedi. “It’s a trap.” Yeah.

34. Of course, there some important things you don’t want to mention on Valentines Day.

You might want to apologize for a lot more than that, especially since your significant other will dump you and you’d have this cake all over your face.

35. A cake that could break your beloved’s heart.

Now the cake may be a nice little crown but the saying is just cruel. Still, at least you can binge on this cake to soothe your unending pain.

36. Nothing says Valentines Day like green and gray roses.

Well, maybe in a Tim Burton movie. Yet, these may look better suited on a Halloween cake instead.

37. Of course, sometimes a cake can help bring the relationship to the next level.

Perhaps you want to be absolutely sure that she’ll say yes before you buy her this. Otherwise, it could go really, really, badly.

38. A Valentines cake that nobody asked for.

This is so tacky. In fact, I don’t think I want a heart cake resembling someone’s rear end with a thong. This is awful.

39. Not like I was going to ask you but thanks for telling me.

Sure you may have viable credentials but that doesn’t mean you should put it on a cake like in a personal ad for whatever it is you’re looking for.

40. Nothing like a cake to show your valentine how desperate you are for their love.

Now this is a really desperate attempt by somebody. Wonder what this person is like.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 11, 2014

When it comes to music, sometimes an album cover can make all the difference in marketing. Some of them are awesome and iconic that people remember the artist and album forever like the Beatles Abbey Road and others, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and The Wall, Michael Jackson’s Thriller, and others. However, we’re not going to focus on the albums of legends here. Instead, I’m focusing on some of the tackiest of the trade (within reason) so you all can laugh at them. So without further adieu here are some terrible album covers that should never have been created. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Ken: By Requests Only

Sure I'll be taking requests, just not from this guy. Apparently I have no idea who Ken is.

Sure I’ll be taking requests, just not by this guy. Apparently I have no idea who Ken is.

See all your 1970’s fashion horrors all on one album cover. I mean the guy has a 1970’s porn stache and leisure suit which kind of suggests his day job.

2. I Aint Into That!: The Rappin’ Reverend Dr. C. Dexter Wise III

This guy is sure ain’t looking gangsta in that picture.

That portrait is highly inappropriate for a rap album. Seriously, the title may be make it seem like a rap title but the presentation seems to remind me of the 1960s R&B Motown.

3. Manowar Anthology

Either that or in a 1980s fantasy porn movie.

Okay, somehow this album image reminds me of a 1980s hair band on a Harlequin romance novel cover.

4. Orleans: Walking and Dreaming

Of course, these guys don’t keep any secrets from each other and may even have orgies.

Actually their chests don’t look that bad but the guys seem to be too close and personal, suggesting that they may be more than friends.

5. Freddy Gage: All My Friends Are Dead

This would’ve been better if it featured a dinosaur instead. At least we would know why all his friends are dead.

So give this album to police so they would know where he hid their bodies.

6. Junior Parker: Love Ain’t Nothin’ But a Business Going On

Scantily dress woman near car in an ugly apartment background: seems like a ho to me. Sorry, NAACP.

Scantily dress woman near car in an ugly apartment background: seems like a prostitute to me. Sorry, NAACP, but it just does.

Of course, this album cover is very suggestive on what kind of business his love may be: a prostitution ring. Unless “Junior” is the girl in the picture, then she’s probably a hooker.

7. The Simmons: “Touch of God”

Of course, these ladies may need the touch of God since their sense of fashion is going to doom them to Hell.

And the loss of fashion sense. God, the pattern of the women’s dress is more appropriate for a couch.

8. Joyce

Also, has worse fashion sense than I do with that awful looking dress and old lady hair.

Or your dad’s third grade teacher like you’ve never seen her before.

9. “Jesus Use Me” by the Faith Tones

Is that Peter Sellers in drag? I thinking of the woman in the glasses.

Is that Peter Sellers in drag? I’m thinking of the woman in the glasses.

Or the old CVS employees with 1960s hair that use more hair products than the cast of Hairspray put together.

10. The Ministers Quartet: Let Me Touch Him

Feel free to break in shits and giggles over this one. Still, I hope “Him” refers to God, please.

Is it just me, or do 1970s Christian labels have bad album cover designers. Also, any album with “Ministers” and “Let Me Touch Him” sounds very, very wrong.

11. The Hollywood Playboys Orchestra: Music for Playboys to Play by

I mean the guy’s Satan and is up to no good. The girl is obviously drinking and has loose inhibitions. Perhaps this is an album featuring “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

So you can be the devil to the woman at the party. Is it just me or does cover seems to suggest date rape or something?

12. Bruno Maltise: Heaven’s Hitman

Repent, sinner, or this guy will make you swim with fishes. Seriously, he’s here to show us that God’s grace is an offer we can’t refuse.

And by looking at his picture, I can certainly believe it.

13. Brainstorm: Smile a While

This is wrong. Really wrong. Then again, they probably got the clothes from Victoria’s Secret since they look good on the models. Perhaps this album is a tribute to them.

While I have no qualms of guys in women’s clothes, I’m not sure about seeing guys in women’s underwear. Also, is the person on the far right an actual woman?

14. Svetlana Gruebersolvik: My Lips Are for Blowing

And, boy, do her lips blow hard on wood, too. Just look at the cover.

From my years of playing clarinet in high school and college, I can guess anything related to blowing wood can carry a double meaning. I remember that old chant from my high school years: “Who are we?” “Yough woodwinds!” “What do we do?” “We blow wood hard!” “Louder!” “We blow wood hard!”

15. Limbo Party

Because limbo isn’t limbo unless you have to go under a rope set on fire so your hair doesn’t burn to a crisp.

When going under the limbo stick may result in first degree burns or hair singing when you touch it.

16. John Graas: Jazz Labs 2

Of course, he probably keeps his acid stashed in that French horn of his.

Didn’t know jazz artists made their own acid or played French horn.

17. Mike Crain Karatist Preacher: God’s Power

Because the cement blocks aren’t just going to break with his hands alone.

Perhaps this is the 1970’s way of appealing to a younger demographic.

18. Chanukah Carols

Now I know what Hanukah Joe looks like and he’s kind of freaky like Santa. Also, where’s the menorah?

Perfect if you’re a Jew who wants to get the kiddies excited in the Chanukah festivities without them asking you why you don’t celebrate Christmas.

19. Tex Williams: Smoke, Smoke, Smoke

Of course, side effects include: cancer, emphysema, COPD, stroke, heart attack, loss of lung, rapid aging, and all kinds of health problems probably leading to an early demise. Not to mention, smoking kills 1/3 of its users.

Later retitled: Croak, Croak, Croak.

20. Hey, Mr. Banjo

Get this creepy blackface guy outta here before the NAACP sees this since they’d rather perish in a pit of fire before seeing an image that even remotely reminds them of the offensive blackface minstrel show. Perhaps the most racist and offensive album cover I’ve seen yet.

The sight of this album is sure to start race riots, especially in the South. Sad to say but this album would’ve looked a lot better if the guy didn’t wear blackface. And everyone would be a lot happier, too.

21. Music for Big Dame Hunters

Of course, I wonder how many innocent animals had to die to get this hideous album cover. Also, what’s with the arrows in the safari hat?

Of course, a cover like this would make PETA scream in horror and then use the ad pitch in one of their commercials.

22.Geraldine and Ricky: Trees Talk, Too

Of course, ents and the Lorax may know that but I think they’d still be freaked out by woman and dummy sex pairings.

And so do dummies, apparently. Tell me this is an album and not a horror movie.

23. Tijuana Brass: Whipped Cream & Other Delights

So much whipped cream, so needlessly wasted on that lady. Of course, if it’s shaving cream, at least she didn’t have to shave her legs.

I’m sure no one wants a naked woman in their topping, no matter how sexy she may be.

24. The Braillettes: Our Hearts Keep Singing

Those poor ladies. Why do record labels subject them to such cruelty for those aspiring in the music business.

This is a very terrible form of abuse to blind people, especially putting them in pastel dresses and 1960s hairstyles.

25. Erick and Beverly Messegee: Amen!

Seriously, Christians, what’s with the attractive women and dummies on your albums? Look, I know many of you think homosexuality is unnatural but at least gays want to have relationships with actual people. Methinks you protest too much.

This is probably a heartwarming album by an elderly dummy and his hot trophy wife.

26. Count Your Blessings by Willie Sutherland

Of course, for those who don’t know what The Night of the Hunter is about note that the Reverend Powell is a bluebeard preacher who’s willing to kill women and children just to get a hold of their money.

It seems that this adorable little girl is standing on a pew with two ministers dressed like the Reverend Powell from The Night of the Hunter.

27. God Isn’t Dead!: By Gertrude Bethanna

Apparently God doesn’t seem to help this woman’s substance abuse problem. Seriously, Christians, what’s with the pretty woman and the booze bottles and hypo needle?

God may not be dead but he may be wondering why there are a bunch of booze bottles and hypodermic needles in the background.

28. Xavier Cugat and His Orchestra: Bread, Love, and Cha Cha Cha

Apparently, he loves his bread a lot more than he loves women. Doesn’t seem much interested in her. I sense he seems to go for the French loaves, doesn’t he?

Guess he’s kind of “pansexual” meaning he’s into bread.

29. John Bult: Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday

Either this is about something regarding the age of consent or her driver’s license. Let’s hope it’s her driver’s license.

Look, buddy, just because she’s at the age of consent doesn’t mean you can’t be subjected to Megan’s Law. Seriously, this is a terrible album cover.

30. Forsaken Doll by Maria Leonora

Perhaps she’s the ex-girlfriend of Chucky using the Taylor Swift model of therapy. I think Chucky may have had a good reason to dump her though since she’s creepy as hell.

Nothing like a creepy doll on an album to give you nightmares.

31. Ritchie Family: Bad Reputation

At least the Ritchies know how to pick up hunky guys to pose for their album covers. Of course, there’s a chance all those guys are gay.

No wonder Lionel went solo.

32. Orion: Reborn

Of course, he just might be Mr. Fantastic embarking on a music career and Orion may just happen to be his stage name. He’s wearing a mask so his family doesn’t recognize him in this embarrassing photo from the 1970s.

I’m sorry but carnival masks and blue leisure suits just don’t mix.

33. Boned: Up at the Crack

I don’t know how this guy got his guitar in his pants but I sure don’t want to find out.

Most unintentionally inappropriate album art ever.

34. Rat on!: Swamp Dogg

Of course, rats like the one on this album were probably once fed to Godzilla at one time as a midnight snack.

Featured on the cover with his giant genetically mutated rat.

35. Scorpions: Lovedrive

You’re probably better off throwing your chewed up gum out the window. Besides, the lady is so not wearing a bra.

Of course, this guy would’ve fondled his girlfriend’s breast until he found out she was using her chewing gum to keep her dress covered.

36. Foster Edwards’ Orchestra: What’s Next?

Of course, the mop top elephants probably ended up smashing a lot of the instruments so the orchestra had release this album to pay for repairs.

Of course, they had to make another album after the elephant Beatles cover band experiment failed horribly.

37. Mr. Bat Sings

Behold, the international singing sensation of your nightmares. Seriously, this clown is creepy.

Scary clown sings songs to keep you up all night or make your pants brown.

38. Satan Is Real by the Louvins Brothers

Apparently these two guys certainly know it because they're probably burning in hell right now in their white suits. Of course, Satan is apparently not amused.

Apparently these two guys certainly know it because they’re probably burning in hell right now in their white suits. Yet, they don’t seem to be upset in the fiery hellscape.Of course, Satan is apparently not amused.

And he clearly doesn’t seem to enjoy your taste in music.

39. Shut Up and Dance!: Dance before the Police Come

Of course, I don’t think people would be scared of two shirtless black dudes with big ass machetes and numchucks. Because they’d be more scary with guns as far as some white people are concerned.

Sure but what’s with the all the crazy weapons? I mean two machetes and numchucks?

40. Fire Down Under: Riot

Of course, you don’t want to club this cute and terrifying baby seal. Or else it will kill you. Beware the baby seal of vengeance.

Apparently this cover was designed on behalf of baby seal protection because one of them may return for revenge against humanity.

41. Heino: Liebe Mutter

Sure the guy may love his mother but he looks rather creepy. Also, I'm not sure if that person's really a guy.

Sure the guy may love his mother but he looks rather creepy as well as more suited for some kind of Dieter inspired music video they seem to have in Germany.

From the guy who looks like an Andy Warhol stand-in holding roses.

42. I’m God’s Child by the Cooper Family

You’d think they’d know better and shop for a decent pair of clothes and get a sensible hairdo but no. Also, I hope they’re actually in their house for I kind of fear for them getting pursued by evil spirits.

Wholesome Christian family with no fashion sense standing in front of their medieval dungeon fireplace.

43. Devastatin’ Dave: Zip, Zap, Rap

Let’s just say, no one would think this is a rap album if you dress like Bruce Springsteen on the cover. Also, a pink and black polo shirt for men?

Is this a rap or exercise album? Seriously, that 1980s Tom Selleck look doesn’t seem to remind me of something a rapper would wear.

44. Johnny Guitar Watson: A Real Mother

Seriously, why have an baby carriage built for adults? Surely this guy’s street cred is ruined.

Sorry, but I don’t think the man sized baby carriage resembling a classy car sort of kills it for me.

45. Songs for Gay Dogs by Paddy Roberts

Of course, dogs basically hump anything that moves, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Still, there are probably some gay dogs around that enjoy music so maybe he’s providing a service.

Guess there’s something for everybody.

46. Dickie Harrell: Drums and More Drums

Either she’s the daughter of Shiva or this is photoshopped (probably more likely). Still, this is pretty freaky.

Of course, since this is an album by a six armed drummer, it’s no wonder.

47. The Electric Amish: A Hard Day’s Work

They seem to consider a donkey as a member of their band. Of course, I hope they don’t cause any offense with the actual Amish who probably never heard of this. Not to mention, I don’t think these guys are Amish.

Didn’t know an Amish group released a Beatles cover album. I thought they wouldn’t be into that sort of thing since they don’t care much for technology past the 18th century.

48. Lots of Love & Peace from Happy Louie, Julcia, and the Boys

Still, the designer was probably on some kind of brown acid from Woodstock. Also, whenever I see a psychedelic font, I want to see a psychedelic rock group, not a freaking polka band which this appears to be.

From the font, you may think this is a psychedelic rock album but it’s actually nothing of the sort.

49. Expose Yourself to Cajun Music and Johnny Janot

Sure he may do some shocking things to get people to hear his music but at least he’s not showing his junk. He has a long coat to cover that up not that he’s wearing anything underneath it.

Apparently, this cover makes me want to avoid the latter. Still, this flashing Cajun musician is probably the Naked Cowboy’s father.

50. The Addicts Sing

Look, I don’t know about you but if I want to hear the music of former drug addicts, I’d listen to a greatest hits compilation album of almost any genre. I mean drug addicts have done rock, R&B soul, country, classical, jazz, and others. Of course, this is a Christian album but still addiction is very common in the music industry.

Well, that’s nice there’s an album of former addicts singing but they hardly seem like addicts to me. However, the musical art form is no stranger when it comes to featuring artists with drug addictions so this is not even a novelty. Also, what’s with the skyscraper and the disembodied heads?

The Wonderful World of Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 7, 2014

Here is a bronze statue of “First Down” Archabbot Bonifice Wimmer in front of Saint Vincent Basilica and founder of Saint Vincent College, Saint Vincent Seminary, and Saint Vincent Archabbey. Of course, one of my reasons of posting this picture is because I attended Saint Vincent College from 2008-2012 graduating with a B. A. in history. Good times.

While my last post focused on painting, this one pertains to sculpture, another medium of artistic expression. Yet, as seen with the above picture of the late Boniface Wimmer, the founder of my college alma mater, sculpture can be found everywhere and are seen all over the place. For instance, Pittsburgh has a lot of statues of dinosaurs for some reason and not just in the Carnegie Museum of Natural History or the Carnegie Museum of Art. They also have plenty of dinosaurs outside that could be dressed a doctor or businessman. There’s even a T-Rex in the same attire of Mr. Rogers (Yes, he has his own dinosaur there and at Saint Vincent College since Latrobe was his hometown, look it up.) Still, enough with the local sculpture scene but I’m illustrating a point here. Yet, they also come in a variety of shapes and sizes from something you can hold in your hand, to ones larger than buildings which you can get inside of. And they can be cast in bronze, carved from marble, or from plenty of other materials. Yet, in this post I’m not going to talk about the great sculpting masterpieces. Instead, I’m focusing on works that should be recognized for sheer badness that they could be considered funny. So without further adieu, here are some of the tacky sculpture worthy of recognition. (I’m also keeping names anonymous here as well so will be the locations. Also, may contain some improper imagery.)

1. Bad Dog

Based on the best selling children’s book Clifford the Big Red Dog Takes a Piss.

Nothing expresses a male dog’s urge disregard for civilization than a giant one peeing on a building.

2. Burnside Fountain or “Turtle Boy Love Statue”

If your kids want to know what bestiality is, this is a good illustration to show them.

Now what kind of sick demented artist could ever come up with this idea? This is kind of depraved or so it seems. And who in their mind could ever think of having this on display? Then again, sure is a good way to attract tourists and earn notoriety.

3. Washington as Zeus

Okay, kids, who wants to see our first US president shirtless and wearing a dress?
Of course, he’s also remembered for his great biceps, said no American historian ever.

Because it’s seems very unsettling to see the Father of his Country sporting a toga and a six pack. For God’s sake even the Lincoln Memorial statue depicts “The Great Emancipator” in his own period appropriate clothes.This is a very famous piece by the way and part of the Classical style at the time, but still.

4. Mel Gibson as William Wallace

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boosts Mel Gibson's ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Of course, sometimes I wonder if this was erected in honor of the great Scottish hero or to boost Mel Gibson’s ego. Interestingly, they have removed it after Mel suffered a fall from grace. Still, kind of a nut.

Sure William Wallace was a great Scottish hero but no one seemed to get around with giving him a statue until after Braveheart. Of course, the reasons are obvious.

5. Ballerina Man

Now that’s incredibly creepy and I’ve seen Black Swan and The Dark Knight.

Part clown, part ballerina, this statue will not only give your kids nightmares but also make it impossible to determine the figure’s gender.

6. El Mesteno

And what would the evil Lord Sauron be without his giant blue hellhorse of death?

Giant horse statue- majestic. Giant blue horse statue- weird but all right. Giant blue horse statue with demonic red eyes – terrifying.

7. Boll Weevil Monument

Behold, the herald of prosperity in the agricultural pest that screwed much of the American South during the Great Depression and was responsible for countless deaths. Having a monument to the boll weevil there is like erecting a statue honoring the termite.

Nothing makes your town more memorable than having a statue depicting an agricultural pest as a sacred animal.

8. Spomenik

I wonder if this statue has ever been mistakened for Darth Vader’s vacation home.

A kind of monument that could be mistaken for something the Galactic Empire would erect to remind everyone else that they run your planet now.

9. Mr. Rogers

For some reason the statue of him as a T-Rex is much less scary than this. Maybe I don’t see anything about a giant bronze cast Mr. Rogers putting his tennis shoes on as something I shouldn’t be afraid of.

Somehow this statue of Mr. Rogers doesn’t really do justice to his good neighbor reputation. I mean a bronze cast of him tends to make him better suited for a Tim Burton movie than the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

10. Blue Longhorn Bull

His long horns represent his great virility and his ability to kick your ass when pissed. His blue complexion represents his fondness for pasture shrooms.

Complete with extra long horns and a steady diet of shrooms. Did I mention the horns and hooves were silver?

11. Fighting Stallion Monument

Of course, things can get very complicated between horses but man do they look pretty dramatic kissing each other?

Is it just me, or do those two horses don’t seem to be fighting for some reason? Reminds me more of a horse version of Brokeback Mountain to me.

12. Man Hanging Out

I wonder how many people have mistaken this statue as a guy wanting to kill himself. Either some symbolism is involved or the locals have a sick sense of humor.

Now really, why would anyone think of creating a hanging man statue and then suspending him over the street? I wonder how many tourists are told by police, “Don’t worry, he’s not committing suicide. He’s always been like that since he was cast in bronze.”

13. Melting Cow

Maybe this shiny blue cow was a victim of some kind of cow tipping and just wasn’t able to get back on its feet. Also, what’s with the giant popsicle stick sticking out the cow’s ass?

Now this has to be influenced by a hallucinogenic drug induced surrealist dream. Or do cows actually melt when they hit the ground?

14. Cocozao

It's one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It's another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit from the clouds? Yeah, that's probably it.

It’s one thing to erect a statue of a giant turd on a stick. It’s another to have it as a fountain. Did a huge giant just take a shit on the city from the clouds? Yeah, that’s probably it or the designer was a twelve-year-old boy who thought it was a dandy way to attract tourists with a shit fountain.

Believe it or not, it’s said to represent the Araucaria Pine. Looks like a giant turd on a stick. Did I mention it’s a fountain?

15. Mothman

Not only is it silver with red eyes of murder but also has manly chest hair. I believe the only tourists this town receives are Godzilla fans. I wonder if any of them are from Japan.

Said to by a mythological creature rumored to live in a dynamite factory under a centuries old curse. Still, most people might see it as a robotic man moth version of a Godzilla adversary.

16. Peter the Great

He’s on top of how many ships? Seriously, if anyone should be honored for founding a navy, one will simply do the trick. Several on top of each other is kind of overdoing it by a lot. I wonder if Peter is compensating for something here.

When I’m on a boat isn’t good enough. Still, as iconic as Peter the Great was for a Russian Czar, this statue is just plain ugly as well as an imposing eyesore. Good God, who was crazy enough to design this? Then again, czars were ruthless autocratic monarchs and Peter was a bit nuts.

17. Quetzalcoatl

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic heritage, what does this statue say about Mexico? Sorry if I offended any Mexicans. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit.

And if this was erected to celebrate Hispanic culture and heritage, what does this statue say about them? Sorry, Hispanics, no offense. I was talking about how this statue looked like an intricately snake carved from a large pile of shit. Still, the Hispanic community must seem a little insulted by how a statue meant to celebrate their heritage and culture resembles a gigantic dog turd.

Serpent Aztec God of Humanity, large snake, or giant dog turd?

18. Peace Statue

I’m not sure if a peace icon should bare that much resemblance to Hercules or some athlete on steroids. And guys on steroids tend to be very aggressive. I mean you can get that body just by eating healthy and working at the gym.

Because nothing is a better personification of peace than a naked stand-in for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

19. Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz

Queen of Great Britain or humanoid reptilian overlord, you decide. Be sure you don’t get on her bad side since she has a detachable tail under her dress as well as forked venomous tongue.

This woman was famous for being the wife of King George III, mother of George IV and William IV, and gave birth to fifteen kids, as well as grandmother to Queen Victoria. She has plenty of royal descendants all over the European royal families as well as a city in North Carolina named after her. Yet, here she’s depicted as a lizard queen.

20. The Giant Spider

It’s coming to get you. Tell me, you’re not scared right? This is more terrifying than the one from Harry Potter who let his kids devour wizards.

Now how would any agoraphobe would want to go to work having to see this every day? Not very pleasant. Also, who ever thought of erecting a statue of something that is more appropriate for a horror movie?

21. The Struggle Against World Terrorism

Dr. Freud would just have a lot of fun with whoever designed this highly suggestive edifice. Just hope the moral guardians don’t notice any resemblance. Of course, it’s said to be a great hot spot for The Vagina Monologues.

Is it just me but does this statue seem to resemble what one 9/11 survivor called “a cross between a scar and a female sex organ?” And this was erected to honor 9/11 victims?

22. Walter Johnson

Seriously, what’s with the two extra arms bursting from his chest? Also, I wonder if he’s related to one of the Hindu deities with those kind of limbs. Oh, he’s the son of Shiva the god of death so that explains it.

Nicknamed “Big Train” and famed for being the greatest pitcher in baseball history, this statue depicts him as a four armed character more suited for a video game or the X-Men.

23. General Nathan Bedford Forrest

Crazy Nattie Forrest and his Confederate cavalry are going to slay yo’ negro asses. Still, it’s one thing to erect a monument dedicated to a guy who’s tied to a shitload of racial injustice (he was a slave trader before the war). It’s another to depict him as a raging angry white man in a silver cast with pistol in one hand and sword in the other. And he looks like a homicidal maniac out for blood.

Confederate hero on a golden horse and all out nutcase from this statue. Also, doesn’t help that he’s said to have found the KKK and may have ordered a massacre of Union soldiers.

24. Bl. Father Junipero Serra OFM

I heard he taught the Indians to play baseball and even held games on the weekends every Sunday afternoon. Still, it’s hard to take such a figure seriously if he’s depicted like a giant cartoon character.

Sure this guy may be on the road to sainthood but I can’t help but wonder if he’s the mascot of the San Diego Padres.

25. Tugendbrunnen or “Fountain of the Virtues”

For some reason, someone had the great idea of the fountain spraying the water from the horns of angels and the women’s nipples in high pressure lactation. Guess Renaissance sculptors weren’t as wholesome as you thought they would. Well, at least they weren’t men spraying water from their, well, you know.

Sure this may be a famous fountain designed during the Renaissance but look closer and you see this may be more appropriate adorning the Renaissance equivalent of The Playboy Mansion than any public square. And yet this is a public fountain.

26. Bl. Pope John Paul II

Unlike some of the statues in this list, I have to admit that this one serves some practical purpose of sheltering people from the rain and providing shade. But would you want to be under him? I don’t know.

Of course, what better way to honor the late Holy Father who helped bring down Communism than this bronze statue of him with a head almost like Mussolini and barely anything underneath his long flowing cloak? This is what the Vatican calls “a permanent and sacrilegious mud stain” on the late pope’s memory. Sacrilegious or not, it sure is an ugly example of minimalistic modern art.

27. Martin Luther King Jr.

This is something that probably belongs in a sci-fi horror film than anywhere else. Also, who came up with this idea? It’s creepy.

Sure Martin Luther King Jr. was a great civil rights leader who helped end racial segregation in the South. Yet, I’m not sure if an appropriate way to honor him would be putting his bust on a large silver ball.

28. Vigelands Parken Man Kicking Babies

Man, why on earth does this statue exist? This is depicting terrible forms of child abuse with a guy using three limbs to kick and slam babies. The sculptor must really hate kids for some reason.

Sure this may be some legendary figure in Norway, but what reason would anyone want to see a statue of a naked man hurting babies? This is sick! What do you mean the tykes are evil genii? Still, doesn’t make it right.

29. WWII Memorial Statue

Clearly he’s a bit heavy headed and not feeling too well. Of course, he’s been in a stony mood for ages. He may want some friends like the guys on Mount Rushmore or Stone Mountain.

Or as I’d like to call it “Mean Man of the Mountain.”

30. Mother Motherland

With eyes aflame she faces the masses wielding sword and shield silently yelling “Death to all you bourgeoisie capitalist scum! Death to all who steal from the proletariat!” Definitely a mother who strikes fear in her own children like the Soviet Union and satellite Cold War nations.

She may be the personification of Mother Russia but she is sure fierce and can kill you like the Russian winter or the KGB.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: Humor