Halloween Party Tricks or Treats (But Mostly Treats, Sort of) (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 12, 2015

Last year, I compiled my post for Halloween treats on my mother’s recommendation that I do a post on disgusting Halloween food. It was supposed to be a one time thing but it got a lot of views. However, I was soon bored out of my mind in mid-November that I decided to do a treat post on Thanksgiving as well. And it sort of became a thing for the major holidays plus the Super Bowl. Now since Halloween is coming once more,I was sort of on the fence this year on doing another one since I’ve already done a treat post before. However, since I find that people still enjoy last year’s post on Halloween treats, I decided to do another due to popular demand. Besides, I’ve done second edition posts for vintage Valentines for Valentines Day and peep dioramas for Easter. And I know my readers like that. Not to mention, Halloween is one of my Big Four holidays along with Christmas, Valentines Day, and Easter so the more Halloween blog posts the better. Also, I started selling ad space for sponsors since May and my recent Halloween posts haven’t done as well as I thought they would at this time. So for those who love Halloween, you might be happy to know that I’ve managed to find plenty of disgusting treats for your parties and platters. So without further adieu, help yourself to some more Halloween treats at your disposal.

A spiderweb cake is guaranteed to make a devilish dessert.

Now this looks quite intricate for a pastry. I sure couldn’t draw a better spiderweb than that, especially in pastry form.

2. Treat yourself this Halloween to a chocolate cauldron pudding cup.

In this, the cauldron is made from chocolate. And the pudding is green with sprinkles on it. Still, I think this might be store bought from the looks of it.

3. Of course, there are no monsters like cheese monsters.

Now this is from a kind of cheese that comes from a red shell. Don’t really know the name of it. However, they are quite adorable and kid friendly.

4. Treat your guests at your Halloween party to some broken shard cupcakes.

Don’t worry the glass shards are sugar pieces. Trust me. Still, might be bad for diabetics and people who are squeamish around blood or open wounds.

5. Go batty this Halloween with these Itty-Bitty Bat cupcakes.

Now they might not be scary since they look like Sesame Street characters. But they’re sure cute and the kids will love them.

6. I’m sure Halloween guests will love these brownie bites.

And yes, they’re literally brownie bites. Just look at their monstrous jobs. Still, more adorable than scary.

7. Nothing makes a more fitting Halloween dish than long bread mummy pizza.

Now I did mummy pizza before in last year’s post. But they were more personal types. This one is for long loaves of bread.

8. Snake bread sticks make a great side dish for your Halloween meal.

Of course, they’re covered on skewers for form. But I’m sure they’re more tasty that you’d probably get at the Olive Garden.

9. Deviled spider eggs always make great Halloween appetizers.

Now these spiders are made of olives. But I’m sure they’re guaranteed to creep some of your guests out.

10. For your Halloween party guests, don’t forget to stock up on jello shots.

And on Halloween, you can expect your jello shots served in plastic toy hypodermic needles like these. Ask you host if they contain alcohol if you’re a parent, designated driver, pregnant, on the Twelve Step, or under 21.

11. Treat your Halloween party guests to these witch hat cupcakes.

The hats themselves are made from black ice cream cones. Still, they’re quite clever from my standpoint.

12. Nothing makes a great Halloween party appetizer than mummified peppers with cheese.

These might be jalapeno but I’m not sure. If they are, then these mummies would certainly be spicy indeed.

13. Freak out your Halloween party guests by serving these blood spattered sugar cookies.

Now these are really disgusting. But don’t worry, it’s just red icing. Still, at least these cookies would be very easy to decorate.

14. Grace your Halloween party dessert platter with this witch’s cauldron cake.

Sure it’s filled with eyeballs and bones galore. However, what’s deserving about this one is that the frog looks very much alive in there.

15. For a biohazardous dessert, you might want to go with urine sample jello cups.

Not sure if these are jello shots or not. If so, then they probably contain alcohol so aren’t suitable for minors. Still pretty disgusting and vomit inducing by sight. I mean that’s supposed to look like pee for God’s sake. Also, don’t use actual pee.

16. Nothing makes a great Halloween snack than Monster Eyeball pretzels.

Now these are quite disgusting and are sure to gross out some trick or treaters. But they seem quite easy to make compared to some of the others on here.

17. Make your Halloween party a graveyard smash with this bloody cleaver cake.

Yes, this is a bloody cleaver cake. Yes, it’s quite graphic. But still, you have to give the baker credit for this.

18. Serve dinner this Halloween with these bone buns.

Of course, they might look like dog bones. But you got to love these. You can even dip them in sauce if you want.

19. Start your Halloween right with these eyeball donuts.

Let’s hope they don’t freak out your boss if you bring these to work. Still, it’s a great way to use lifesavers and other gummy candies.

20. For your dessert platter, why not go with some voodoo doll sugar cookies?

Like gingerbread men Christmas cookies, you can customize them any way you want. And they can be quite amusing, too. Like the one under wraps.

21. For appetizers, you can’t do better than serving graveyard nachos and dip.

Now I’m sure the dip is under the olives and lettuce. Still, I have to admire how this person used the tortilla chips for the gravestones, tree, and cat. Not as messy as the one I showed in last year’s post since it’s in a pan.

22. Make your Halloween party spooky fun with this one-of-a-kind haunted house cake.

I don’t know about you, but this cake seems to have used a lot of brownies. Then again, it really works.

23. If you think a haunted house cake is too complicated, then by no means go with an x-ray cake.

Seems like this person’s heart is too small. By how many sizes, I’m not sure. But I really want to avoid referencing the Grinch at this point. I mean it’s way too early to think about Christmas right now.

24. Of course, you’ve seen me post pictures of mummy pizzas. But have you heard of Frankenpizza?

Now this is awesome. You have to admire how they made it green as well as used veggies and pepperoni for the facial attributes.

25. If you’re thinking about a spooky dessert, you can’t go wrong with zombie trifle.

Not sure if you can eat the body parts in this. But you have to admit, though disgusting, it’s very Halloween appropriate.

26. For those who prefer sophisticated Halloween parties, why not go with a shrimp cocktail brain?

Now that looks so disgusting that it’s bound to gross out some party guests. Still, shrimp seem to make rather convincing brain matter for some reason.

27. If you prefer healthy snacks, you might want to go with oranges and bananas.

And by that I mean banana ghosts and orange pumpkins. Or pumpkins made from oranges. Seems like the first healthy treat on this post.

28. Nothing makes a better Halloween party than a dish of spider infested tacos.

Don’t worry, the spiders are olives. Still, I recommend you serve one of these to the party guest dressed as Donald Trump. Or Donald Trump himself for that matter.

29. Nothing makes a Halloween party a graveyard smash than brain cake.

And look, you can even cut it with a knife. Still, I’m not sure if that’s an actual knife by the way. However, quite disgusting.

30. If you like jack o’lanterns and healthy appetizers, then these jack o’lantern rice balls are for you.

Now these might not be the scariest treats out there. But they’re simply adorable. And I’m sure your kids would love them.

31. It may be too early for Christmas. But that doesn’t mean it’s too early for gingerbread men if you put fangs on them.

Now I have to admit, vampire gingerbread men is a fantastic idea. Just love the fangs on these. Whoever came up with this idea is a genius.

32. If you don’t think blood spatter sugar cookies aren’t disgusting enough, may I suggest brain cookies?

You use nuts for the brains as you see here. But yes, they’re not for the faint hearted on a full stomach.

33. Seems like a vampire has bit into this bloody cupcake.

Now this looks quite doable. Just ice a cupcake, poke two holes, and add some red filling for blood.

34. Nothing makes a great Halloween party into a real monster mash than a Bride of Frankenstein chips and dip tray.

Now the dip is her face and consists of mostly guacamole. And her hair is mostly made from blue and regular tortilla chips. Still, very clever.

35. For Halloween hotdogs buns and wraps, you might want to consider the zombie option.

Well, they’re said to be zombies according to Pinterest. And they certainly have dead eyes. But I kind of liken them to undead mollusks myself.

36. You’ve heard of brownies. But have you ever heard of a Frankenbrownie?

Now this is pretty clever. Love how they used chocolate bits for the brow, mouth, and bolts.

37. Yes, it’s too early for Christmas. But I’m sure it’s not too early to build a gingerbread house as long as it’s haunted.

Now this is great but I’m not sure if anyone would want to eat it. Seriously, you wouldn’t want to eat anything with that much candy corn.

38. Nothing makes a scary Halloween party more worthwhile than these skeleton cupcakes.

The skeletons are mostly made from marshmallow and are only down to the waist. Nevertheless, they’re quite cute to say the least.

39. Ghostly pretzel sticks always make for a tasty treat.

Either these are covered in white icing or white chocolate. Still, they look quite easy to make and don’t frighten the kids.

40. For Halloween parties, you can’t go wrong with mini monster cheese balls.

Sure they may not be scary or disgusting. But they’re very adorable and kid friendly to say the least.

41. How about a ghostly marshmallow in your hot chocolate?

All you have to do is just put a face on the marshmallow. And you can put it in the fondue all you want.

42. For a healthy snack, why not go for an orange under wraps.

I’m sure the only edible part about this treat is the orange. The wraps look like they’re made from toilet paper or party streamers.

43. If you want to serve healthier sides, you might want to go jack o’lantern sweet potato fries.

Of course, since sweet potatoes are orange on the outside, you have to make jack o’lanterns out of the slices. Still, quite cute and clever.

44. Serve up your guests this Halloween with these pumpkin patch cupcakes.

As to how this person obtained bundt cupcake molds, I have no idea. Still, comes with some vine and color icing. But not too much.

45. Gross out your Halloween party guests with this zombie cookie dip.

Again, not sure if the body parts are edible in this. And yes, it looks quite disgusting. Not sure if I want to dip cookies in this, which will probably be bones.

46. I may be wrong but you can’t give no bones about cookie bones.

Yes, I had some cookie bones on last year’s post but they were covered in white icing. These are not. Then again, real bones aren’t really pure white are they?

47. If you want your dessert platter to be a success, you might want to make some mummy cookies.

Because we all know that everyone wants mummy cookies at their Halloween party. Not sure how to make these though.

48. May your Halloween pasta salad include jack o’lantern zucchini slices and purple noodles.

Of course, I’m not sure if most people can master the jack o’lantern zucchini slices. You might want to get something for that.

49. Halloween parties are always a graveyard smash with graveyard pudding.

Now this is just dead clever. Love the cookie graves. Not sure about the candy corn pumpkins though.

50. For a bewitching good time, cauldron cupcakes will certainly do.

Now that’s an ingenious use for a Rees’ peanut butter cup. Like the yellow icing flames, too.

51. You can make almost anything spooky with Oreos.

Now these consist of a bat, octopus, and spider. All of which are covered in chocolate. Still more adorable than scary.

52. Your guests might see these vampire cookies as real bloody good.

I think these might require those peanut cookies you might get at the grocery store. Wonder what they used for the red cape.

53. I’m certain kids will surely enjoy a ghostly peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

You can just use the eyes for raisins. But make sure to use white bread this time because you know, ghosts are typically seen as white.

54. A Ouijia board is bound to help you communicate with the dead.

Pinterest says it’s a cookie but I think it’s a cake. It’s just that it’s fairly detailed in the icing contents. But your dead ancestors are bound to love it.

55. Of course, you can’t start a Halloween party without a Frankenstein Monster cheese ball.

Well, at least that’s a more original choice than a skull or pumpkin one. Yes, the cheese is green. But still, I think it’s clever.

56. These witchy marshmallows will sure make a real trick or treat.

Amazing what you can do with marshmallows and candies. More adorable than scary. But then again, kids will love these.

57. Encourage scary health habits with these jack o’lantern salad cups.

Now I wonder how this person managed to get the orange out of the peels like that. I mean it must be a very difficult process.

58. Nothing makes Halloween parties a monster blast than jack o’lantern stuffed bell peppers.

If you want some added grossness, you might want to add pasta instead of ground beef and rice. Still, this is adorable.

59. You can never put too many eyes on a monster cookie.

And I guess someone must’ve used a lot of white M&Ms for this. Well, at least that’s my impression.

60. Make your Halloween party bewitching good fun with these cauldron cake pops.

Have to put in some Halloween cake pops sometime. Also, do candy bones really come in so many different colors. And so bright?

61. For your Halloween lunch, be sure to treat your kids to a jack o’lantern grilled cheese sandwich.

Seems like this grilled cheese sandwich isn't too happy being on the skillet. Just wait until it goes on the plate.

Seems like this grilled cheese sandwich isn’t too happy being on the skillet. Just wait when it goes on the plate.

62. Treat yourself this Halloween to some ghost and spider pizza.

Now the ghosts are made of cheese and the spiders are made of olives. Still, quite ingenious if I do say so myself.

63. These spider cookies will surely creep your arachnaphobic guests out.

For some reason, Halloween isn’t really a good time for people who are afraid of spiders. I wonder why.

64. For your ghoulish main course on Halloween dinner, why don’t you go with mummy meatloaf?

Now you don’t see the mummy here because it’s all under pasta wraps. Still, I have to admire the ingenuity in this culinary creation.

65. For your dessert, there’s always something brewing with this wtiches’ cauldron pudding.

And it seems like there are lots of sugary body parts in this, too. Wonder if the cauldrons themselves are edible. Probably not.

66. Usher in the spirit of Halloween with these candy corn Rice Krispie treats on a stick.

Let’s hope they taste like Rice Krispies, marshmallow, and icing they’re made from and not real candy corn. Honestly, candy corn is disgusting.

67. Of course, it’s said the pumpkin puke makes a fine salad.

Hey, I didn’t know that pumpkin vomit was green. Always thought it would be orange. I mean pumpkins are orange and have orange insides.

68. Of course, you can’t have a Halloween party without graveyard pudding cups.

The ghosts are of the sugary marshmallow stuff associated with peeps. The pumpkins are candy corn. But I’m sure the chocolate pudding is edible and tasty, too.

69. Meatball mummies go great with almost any dish beyond the grave.

Now this consists of ground beef covered in pasta. Cute and adorable but very clever.

70. Nothing makes a better trick or treat than a popcorn hand.

Now this is perhaps one the few Halloween treats on here that I’ve been familiar with as a kid. The candy corn are the nails while the popcorn is everything else. And it’s all held up in a plastic, disposable glove.

71. Nothing makes a better Halloween dessert than a worm infested jello brain.

Yes, it’s disgusting but at least you can add the gummy worms after making the jello brain. Now as how to get a jello brain mold, you might need to visit Amazon.

72. Dip some bread into some cheesy brains.

Yes, I do admit brains are gross. But Halloween decorations are meant to be this way. Still, love how they stuck a knife into it.

73. Jack o’ lantern taco hummus dip is sure to give some scary Halloween flavor.

This looks quite adorable if I do say so myself. Not sure about the layers. But the top consists of shredded cheddar, olives, and blue tortilla chips.

74. When it comes to bewitching fun on Halloween, you can’t go wrong with broom cookies.

Now these appear to have pretzels, chocolate icing, cookies, and not sure what the stringy part is there. Still, these are quite clever and cute.

75. Of course, it wouldn’t be Halloween without any bones and blood.

As to whether this is supposed to be an appetizer or dessert, you can’t easily tell by the picture. Nevertheless, it’s quite disturbing if you get my drift.

76. How about some eyeballs in your taco salad?

Hope two is enough for you? Still, it might look like your salad is staring at you for awhile. It might seem creepy to some.

77. Eeek! My taco is staring at me!

Of course, you might need to use meatballs for these tacos. Still, despite creepiness, this seems like an awesome idea.

78. As we all know, you can’t have Halloween without some jack o’lantern cake pops.

Of course, since jack o’lanterns are such iconic symbols of Halloween, I had to include cake pops of these. Nevertheless, so cute.

79. Of course, anybody’s jello can use a few eyeballs.

Not sure how the eyeballs are made here. However, it is fairly disgusting enough to be a hit at any Halloween party.

80. I can assure you that these Eye of Newt Preztels will be all the Halloween monster rage this year.

Now these are quite charming despite having all kinds of eyeballs. Still, you have to hand it to some people in terms of culinary creativity.

A Treasury of Vintage Food Ads in the Days of Yesteryear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 27, 2015

Of course, we tend to see food being advertised these days all the time since we can’t really live without it. Nevertheless, you tend to see a lot of food ads during the football season, most of them usually pertain to stuff that’s not very good for you. I mean a lot of the food you see in such ads pertains to snacks, fast food, ready made stuff, candy, and other products guaranteed to give you a heart attack at 55. But unlike many football season beer commercials, a lot of these food ads are terrible and tend to be repeated a lot, especially ads from fast food restaurants. Nevertheless, food advertising made up a significant ad share in previous generations as well. And in all types of mediums, too, like in magazines, TV, radio, and newspapers. Or in other words, everywhere but the internet. Yet, as of now, you tend to see plenty of food ads containing recipes as well. Now I can talk about the great vintage food ads all I want. But chances are you wouldn’t find it the least entertaining. So instead, I’ll feature food ads which might make you scratch your head. These will feature dishes that appear as if they came a pot fueled chef in Greenwich Village, negative stereotyping, suggestive language, and creepy children. Also, ads featuring condiments, ingredients, toppings, and non-alcoholic drinks count as food, too. Of course, I’d advise all of you to not read this post while you’re eating or drinking. I don’t want any unintentional responsibility of making someone regurgitate their own lunch. So without further adieu, here are some vintage food ads that might make you a little queasy for your reading pleasure. Some of these might not be safe for work.

Skinless Frankfurters and Wieners: “Are sure to be tender because they have no skins!”

I know that it’s supposed to refer to hotdogs. But it sounds like something you’d hear in Anthony Weiner’s Tinder profile. They even have a poem reading “How the Frankfurter Lost It’s Skin.” Yeah, real nice.

2. Velveeta: “Extra good for young kids and young mothers, too! Is full of health from milk!”

You know, the stuff your dad uses to make a cheesy salsa dip? Yeah, that cheesy stuff. Said to be real cheese, well, sort of. Of course, I’m not sure I’d go that far to call it a health food though.

3. “When I’m eating Jell-O, I wish I were a zebra …because then I could paint my stripes and remind everyone of those six delicious flavors.”

Uh, I don’t think zebras work that way. You see, zebras can’t change their own stripes. Besides, I wonder if Jell-O’s ad staff at the time was so high on acid to come up with stuff like this.

4. Grace your baked beans with some bangers and balls from the H. J. Heinz Company.

Now these consist of “Beanz with Balls,” “Red Hot Balls,” and “Big Saucy” Bangers” (which is sausage). No, those aren’t porn titles. Those are exactly what’s said on the tin. Yeah, Heinz really needs consultation on product names. Then again, maybe such suggestive names make good advertising.

5. Try Sun-Kissed Grapefruit, the kind of fruit that really conceals your melons.

I get the impression that she’s not wearing anything under her shirt. Let’s just say the juice and the fruit are conveniently placed near her naughty bits. Sort of gives the notion of “food porn” a whole new meaning.

6. Remember that bread is life. Hmm…wonder what can go wrong with that?

And I’m sure a loaf of bread has to rise before it’s eaten. But I’m not sure it has to be erect or even long and hard. Still, I wonder if the photographer arranged it as a joke or it was intended as an ad for Playboy. Either would be understandable. Still, it’s a wonder that Bice didn’t get sued over this because I’m pretty sure it gives the notion of “food porn” another whole new meaning.

7. Remember, kids, that a secret to a healthy and successful relationship is lard.

In case you don’t know, lard is pig fat that’s used for shortening or butter. Has no trans fats but it’s pretty disgusting. Also, it’s not used a lot now in the US because it’s not kosher or halal. But it’s becoming popular in Britain.

8. Rice: The food that will improve your sex life.

Looking at this ad, at first, I’d get the impression this was for cosmetics or soap. Not rice. As to why anyone thought this was a good way to sell rice, I have no idea. I mean if you’re going to sell rice, at least show a picture of rice. Not something like this.

9. Buy Egg-O-See, the food with the flavor!

I don’t know what Egg-O-See is. But looking at that terrifying girl, I think it might be some sort of arsenic laced cereal designed to kill me. Seriously, to look at her is to see the face of impending and horrifying death.

10. Trying to lose weight as a busy mom? Then why don’t you try sugar?

Yeah, sugar. The kind of weight loss chemical that will help you lose weight by giving you Type II Diabetes. Of course, it has a strong tendency to make your kids hyper, overweight, and prone to all sorts of health problems. Yeah, I wonder how much this ad is to blame for the obesity crisis.

11. 7 UP, the family soft drink you’re never too young to start.

I don’t starting kids on 7 UP while they’re still in diapers is a good idea. Might give them an early start in developing Type II Diabetes and childhood obesity. Yeah, I’m sure that makes you an exemplar on parenting (sarcasm).

12. Even Dennis the Menace loves his Kellogg’s Rice Krispie Treats.

Okay, it seems that Dennis the Menace is actually way creepier in person. Yes, his mouth’s open. But I’m not sure if he’s hungry for Rice Krispie Treats. We better hope so.

13. The perfect woman is the one who will make her man a sandwich with Wonder Bread.

Now despite the sexual connotations, there’s really nothing wrong with this ad picture. However, saying that using Wonder Bread will help women get men as well as labeling that woman “date bait” is. Guys should make their own sandwiches, not have women make ones for them. Well, unless they’re either her customers or in grade school.

14. “Open up an Oreo creme sandwich, and take a lick!”

Now I don’t know about you. But this girl scares the living hell out of me with her big terrifying blue eyes and her forked tongue sticking out. Let’s just say I think she has more than Oreo Cookies on her mind. But I’m not sure if I’d be too freaked out to ask.

15. Make beautiful pastries with Bakeo.

You know that if you want to sell food, you got to make it look tasty. These treats make me want to lose my appetite. Looks more like a mix between baking ingredients and building material.

16. Remember that Sugar Frosted Flakes are Grrrrrreat!

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same for Tony the Tiger who looks as if he’s about to do something bad to that kid. Yeah, the boy better look behind him and run. Still, I’m not a big fan of celebrity makeovers, but I think the people at Kelloggs made the right decision to give Tony the Tiger one. Just sayin.’

17. Make your own Cheeseburger Loaf with Carnation Evaporated Milk.

Of course, this might be the dish for you if you like cheesburgers and are on the Atkins diet. Still, cheeseburgers are one thing. However, cheeseburger meatloaf like combining two things that should never be together. Yeah, it’s pretty disgusting.

18. Karo syrup is always great for pancakes and sticky buns.

Of course, take note that this terrifying Karo Kid is at the stove cooking as well as planning to murder his parents. Yeah, I wouldn’t touch those sticky buns or pancakes if I were you. They might be laced with cyanide or some other poison.

19. Nothing tastes better than Old Dick candy bar.

Hate to say this, but “Old Dick” is perhaps one of the worst candy bar names ever. Also, when I come across “Tastes like Old Dick,” I really don’t want anything of it. Yeah, this ad is really not appropriate for children and kind of homoerotic but not in a good way.

20. You can cook all kinds of things with Karo and there’s no trick to make them.

I don’t know what he has in his hand or what he’s going to do with it. But I have a feeling he’s not going to use it to cook anything. Chances are, he’s going to kill someone with it from the look in his eyes. Boy, this kid is pure evil without a doubt.

21. Remember, kids, drink a full glass of Florida Orange Juice every day.

From Wait But Why: “This kid looks rowdy as fuck. Good thing he took a break from egging the neighbors’ houses to climax over a glass of orange juice.” Of course, I’m sure he’s going to poison some pigeons, skin a cat, and smash some mailboxes before the day is done. Yeah, a real swell kid.

22. Campbell’s Vegetable Soup: the canned soup for hungry and horny husbands everywhere.

Wonder what she's reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or some intimate moments away from the kids? Either way, eating Campbell's soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell's,

Wonder what she’s reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or a handjob? Either way, eating Campbell’s soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell’s, “Mmmmm….salt.”

23. “Wish I had a million Oreos!”

Now I don’t want to endanger children’s health and well being by giving them treats. But I’ll just make this terrifying tot an exception because I don’t want him to lose his appetite for Oreos and develop a taste for human flesh. Wouldn’t hurt if he got Type II Diabetes in the process. Still, doesn’t stop his face from giving me nightmares.

24. For chocolate milk, drink O’Baby.

More like O’Tar Baby to me with the virulently racist caricature drinking it. If you’re American, you should be very aware about why it’s not okay to draw black people this way.

25. While married men have wives who can cook for them at home, single men can eat at Hardee’s.

Basically, Hardee’s is saying to single guys, “If you ain’t married, then you’re probably not going to eat anything but fast food.” As if they’re saying that single men can’t cook for themselves or have moved out of their parents’ homes already. Let’s just say if you like fast food and blatant sexism against both genders, then Hardee’s is the place for you.

26. “This Chiffon cake only requires 4 eggs!”

Now this is the kind of dessert that will go quite well with a dish of green eggs and ham. Because it looks as if it’s been left in somebody’s refrigerator for about 3-6 months. Seriously, that must be one of the most disgusting cakes I’ve ever seen. And the green icing doesn’t help at all.

27. Nestle’s Coca: the coca for moms and their mutant alien children.

Let me guess. His father was small, green, and had more than just four appendages. And he doesn’t take well to oxygen. Right now, he’s probably on some business trip to a planet in some other galaxy. Yeah, it’s a pretty crazy arrangement but at least his parents try to make it work.

28. Get the original double decker hamburger Big Boy at Bob’s Big Boy Restaurant.

Seems like the Big Boy might need to stop eating those burgers and start going to the gym or change his diet. Might be at risk of developing Type II Diabetes, heart disease, and other health problems. Yes, obesity is a real bitch.

29. Maxwell House Coffee: The coffee drink for blackface minstrel shows and show boat performers.

Of course, this might be a reason why black people didn’t drink Maxwell House coffee during the Civil Rights Movement. To put a short story short, blackface is racist and offensive for obvious reasons, especially in minstrel shows. Seriously, Maxwell, what the fucking hell?

30. Red Magic says that Heinz Tomato Ketchup makes everything taste better.

I don’t know about you, but what’s with this scary monocled tomato head guy with a top hat? Because he is simply creepy and evil looking as hell. I guess the marketing department at Heinz was literally tripping balls when they came up this this guy.

31. Remember, kids, back in the day, there was no party like a prune party.

And I'm sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements. Not to mention, they'll probably have another one when they're all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They're for senior citizens for God's sake.

And I’m sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements that they’ll poop their pants before it’s over. Not to mention, they’ll probably have another one when they’re all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They’re for senior citizens for God’s sake.

32. Velveeta cheese really goes on smooth like this woman.

I know that sex sells. But still, why the hell would Kraft use a naked woman to sell Velveeta? Then again, this ad probably came out during football season and catered to men reading Playboy.

33. Kellogg’s Soya is crisp, sweet, and a twin treat.

And it seems that these twin boys would be absolutely perfect for those two creepy twin girls from The Shining. However, I’m not sure which set is more terrifying. Then again, after breakfast, these two boys plan to dig up a grave to hide their next door neighbor’s body. How sweet.

34. Hostess Sno-Balls: America’s No.1 Glamour Gal!

Well, I’m sure any guy would go for a sexy woman with a pastry head. Nevertheless, despite the freakiness here, Sno-Balls aren’t even the best known Hostess product out there. I’m sure Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Hostess Cupcakes get way more attention. Sno-Balls barely get any.

35. Smith’s Bacon: Bringing families together for breakfast in the creepiest ways possible.

I really don’t like how Grandpa is behaving toward Susie right now. Sure he misses Grandma dearly since she died from cancer last year and Susie kind of looks like her. And we all know he’s been battling dementia. But still, his conduct toward Susie is disturbing just the same.

36. Kitchen Craft Flour always makes everything taste better at home.

For the love of God, get this blueberry pie eating moppet away from me! She’s utterly freaky and is probably the lovechild of either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. I’m not sure which for they’re hard to tell apart.

37. Shredded Wheat: a housewife’s “Declaration of Independence.”

By “independence” she means, “breakfast she can make without the servants” as it says on this ad. Of course, she still can’t vote since this ad came out before 1920.

38. Kellogg’s Cornflakes is the sweetheart of the corn.

So I guess that this was how we got Children of the Corn or Concordia College’s Kernel Cob. Yeah, I really don’t want to see some hot corn on woman action going on here. Yes, she really loves corn but in a very disturbing way. Don’t ask.

39. Champions always start young with Wheaties!

And it seems like this little champion might develop some anger issues as well as hit his daddy with a baseball. Man, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be around that kid. Particularly if there’s a chance that he’ll be on his way to becoming the next Jon McEnroe.

40. You will learn to love Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes even if this woman has make you by beating the living shit out of you.

In case you’re wondering, these people are servants at some house. She’s a cook and he’s a clerk. And she’s beating the shit out of him because he brought her the wrong cereal, which she thinks is serious business. Still, why Kellogg’s thought why depicting workplace violence in their ad was a good idea is beyond me.

41. Betty Crocker cake mix helps husbands beat wives.

Oh, my God, Betty Crocker, how could you advocate domestic violence against women? Out of all people, you should be the last person to say such a thing! Then again, Betty Crocker might just be talking about how her cake mixes help give men an edge against their wives in cake bake. But she probably had a very poor choice in words and emphasis.

42. Even freckly blond kids love their Fig Newtons.

Of course, either this kid really loves fig newtons or he’s planning to use them for his evil plan. Yes, to him, murder is the sweetest thing in the world. I wouldn’t want to touch these things after he’s done with them.

43. Campbell’s Tomato Soup makes meat-za pizza as easy as 1-2-3!

Seriously, Campbells? And I thought certain chain restaurants were bad with some of their entrees. I’d call this pizza “The Heart Attack Special.” I mean its crust and pie are made from ground beef with cheese, mushrooms, and Campbell’s tomato soup. And we all know that Campbell’s contains Mmmmmm….salt.

44. Atora Beef Suet makes great steak pudding cups.

From Oddee: “When we first saw this ad, we read “Atora” as “aorta” and thought these looked like cross sections of an artery. In reality, they are beef suet tarts or beef fat pastries, which sound just as appetizing.” Yeah, couldn’t say it better myself. Wouldn’t want to eat one of these on my plate.

45. Concerned about your family’s health? Give them a V8.

I don’t know about you. But looking at this kid’s expression, I think I’ll take a pass on this one. Seriously, I think this mother is using V8 for something more sinister. For God’s sake, look at her face! She looks freaking insane!

46. Baby Ruth: It’s what all the girls in the go for.

Since he started giving out Baby Ruth bars, Bobby always had the girls flock over to him ever since. Now he’s become the biggest player on campus. But I really don’t want to tell you what the girls give him in return.

47. Beech-Nut Peanut Butter always puts flavor first.

Seems like this girl is saying, “Once this peanut butter’s mine, then I’ll control the whole world! At last, vengeance will be mine! Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!”

48. May I present to you a meaty new idea called Ribs in a Can.

Now we know where McDonald’s gets the molded meat for the McRib. However, these actually look more like the genuine article than what McDonald’s has. Well, whenever they have the McRib.

49. Dairy Queen presents its new mascot– Mr. Astro Chimp.

Wait a minute, Dairy Queen had a mascot? Of course, I can see why Mr. Astro Chimp didn’t last long. Probably got fired for terrifying the kids and adults. Yeah, he’s just so damn creepy.

50. Stokley’s Tomato Ketchup brings in the joy of good eating. It’s like eating a real juicy tomato that is.

Of course, to him, eating a tomato is like munching on somebody’s internal organs. Yes, squishy and juicy internal organs. Man, this is one creepy kid. Hope he’s not planning to eat that tomato with somebody’s heart.

51. “Sssh, remember that Kellogg’s Rice Krispies is so crispy, it crackles in cream.”

Of course, she hopes the cereal crackles enough that she can whack the neighbor with a shovel and hide his body in the bushes. Yes, this seemingly sweet little girl is pure evil.

52. With Campbell’s Soup you can make your own soup shakes with milk and cinnamon.

Okay, I don’t know about you. But I find the idea of Campbell’s Soup shakes completely disgusting. Seriously, who the hell puts a can of Campbell’s Soup with milk and cinnamon? That’s just so fucked up, man. Seriously, why?

53. Make some Dude Ranch Beans with Ann Page.

Well, at least it has more pork than what you’d see in pork and beans. Of course, the sausage is on a stick. Still, must have a lot of salt to give some dude at a ranch a heart attack.

54. Make Ruby Chicken with Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce.

Okay, now just because chicken and cranberries may be good next each other, doesn’t mean they should be mixed together in the stew. Sorry, Ocean Spray, but your Ruby Chicken is disgusting. Also, are those white things ping pong balls?

55. Bask in the joy of good eating with Stokley’s Tenderoni.

Of course, let’s just say it’s either this or a stew of somebody’s intestines. Seriously, he may look happy but he has absolutely no soul and evil in his heart. And after he’s finished, he might have murder on the mind.

56. Bisquick: So simple a husband can do it!

Yeah, a guy needs Bisquick to make his own biscuits. Of course, why these people think men can’t cook for themselves, I have no idea. I’m sure some husbands could cook at the time. Not all men have to be helpless in the kitchen.

57. Juicy Bite Apples: the ideal fruit for emaciated children.

Yes, that kid really likes his apple since it’s probably the first thing he’s eaten in a week. Of course, if he’s hungry any longer, he could go homicidal and turn to cannibalism.

58. When you’re expecting company, there’s nothing better than Supper Supper Salad Loaf with Hellman’s Mayonaise.

Actually, if I saw this being served at somebody else’s place, I’d probably lose my appetite. If not, then possibly barf. Now that’s one of the most disgusting loaves I’ve ever seen.

59. Spry Ground Beef is so tasty and tender that you’ll enjoy it as much as steak.

Is it just me, or does this Spry Ground Beef seem a little charred to you? On second thought, I’d rather take the steak. Might be a bit expensive, but at least I won’t eat ashes. Well, when it’s cooked medium rare, anyway.

60. Children just simply love Fry’s Pure Concentrated Coca. They just don’t show it.

Actually I think this little girl is planning something. Perhaps she might have murder on the mind like killing her nanny for no good reason. Yes, she’s a little psychopath. Just look at her adorable but terrifying soulless eyes.

61. H.P. Sauce is good with bacon.

Maybe it is. However, H.P. Sauce won’t do you any good with bacon if that bacon is chasing you. Yeah, that is one of the scariest and evil pigs I’ve ever seen in my life.

62. Beverly Peanut Butter gives extra health in every bite.

Hate to say this but once this boy is done with his peanut butter sandwich, I’m sure he’s going to go forward with his plans on killing the neighbor who stole his bike. Yes, that kid will indeed pay. Let’s just say this blond peanut butter sandwich munching child is bound to keep anyone up at night.

63. Skinless wieners and frankfurters are always straight and separate, never curved or linked.

Of course, this boy’s eating two skinless wieners because they have no skins. Meanwhile on the right is a delectable hotdog and bacon dish bound to increase your risk for a coronary.

64. American kids shouldn’t suffer from lack of butter!

Now I had no idea that they were allowed to show naked kid butts in the 1950s. Of course, that kid has a creepy look on his face for some reason. Perhaps he has murder on the mind.

65. Remember, that there are 2 delicious ways to keep trim.

Yeah, and they seem to involve processed meats that contain lots of salt. Of course, the only way these ideas will keep you trim is giving you a fatal heart attack at an early age. Seriously, processed meats aren’t really good for you.

66. Remember, kids, donuts contain nutritious vitamins.

Of course, if that was true, then we’d be encouraged to eat them more often. However, it’s not but people still eat them anyway. Not because they should since they’re kind of fattening to say the least. Still, the kids in this ad seem terrifying for some reason. Maybe they’d use donuts to fatten up someone for a human sacrifice.

67. Make your own tuna fish from a mold with A1.

Now that is one of the least appetizing seafood dishes I have ever seen in my life. I mean the fish doesn’t even look real for God’s sake. Besides, isn’t A1 supposed to be used as steak sauce? Yeah, this dish is gross.

68. Remember, children love Kellogg’s Cornflakes.

And I suspect that this girl is planning to kill her mother for serving bad cereal once she turns her back. Yeah, she may seem sweet and innocent, but her eyes reveal she has a vicious streak about a mile wide.

69. Here’s health to Campbell’s Tomato Juice!

But smiles, well, not so much? Well, at least since Prohibition put an end to these women’s Margarita parties, no less. Still, I’m sure Campbell’s salt content in their products will make up for that. Because Campbell’s is Mmmmmm……salt!

70. These girls scream for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes.

Don’t be fooled. You might think they’re screaming for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes. But what they’re really screaming for is your immortal soul. Yes, they want your delicious immortal soul. They’ll also settle for your body, too.

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 23, 2015

Disclaimer: This post isn’t for viewers under the legal age of 21. Those caught looking at this post under 21 will be subject to prosecution and penalty depending on their state law. For those 21 and over, please drink responsibly.

Of course, I was just kidding when I said that people under 21 aren’t permitted to view them. However, full disclosure, kids, though you may not be of legal drinking age, you won’t be prosecuted by anyone for viewing these ads. You can totally view them without legal consequences whatsoever. Just like you see them when you watch a sports game or late night TV. Hell, they even advertise alcohol on billboards, magazines, movie theaters, the Web and outside buildings. My disclaimer was a joke. In fact, I highly encourage that you view these ads since they really tell a lot about our culture in terms of drinking. You might learn something. Nevertheless, if anyone is advertising alcohol in this post, those under 21 should never click the ad under any circumstances. And I don’t care if the woman in them is hot, the animals are cute, or that everyone seems to have a good time partying. If you’re under 21, don’t click on any sponsored alcohol ads on this post.

Now I don’t usually drink alcohol. But I’m well aware of how it’s been part of the American culture since the beginning. But unlike things like racism, Anti-Catholicism, sexism, xenophobia, tobacco, and reservation culture, we tend to see booze with a more positive reverence. But like guns, capitalism, sports, and protesting, we tend to ignore the negative implications and dangers. Nevertheless, the month of August is known for 2 things in my neck of the woods: back to school and the start of the football season. And besides, I’ve already done back to school ads last year. Anyway, football is huge in the United States like you wouldn’t believe which is why it’s a big time for advertising. Now most of the ads you’d expect in football game usually consist of food, cars, booze, and boner pills. Of course, food is always advertised on TV all the time so I can’t do a post on that. So are cars but I might do one of those another time. As for boner pills, I’m not sure if there were any vintage ads pertaining to them. Though that one for Duraflame in an earlier post certainly sounded like one, but they were advertising for a whole different kind of wood there. So this leaves us booze. Like food, booze advertising is everywhere and that was the same in your parents’ and grandparents’ childhood as well save maybe between 1920-1933 for obvious reasons. And football season is one of the biggest times of the year for alcohol advertising, especially beer. However, I can go on and on about the great alcohol ads of previous generations (like Yuengling’s dogs at the bar ad which my dad has for a T-shirt). But I’m well aware that you’d be bored to tears so I’ll show some of the ones your grandparents may not want to see in their lives again. So for your viewing pleasure, here are an assortment of vintage ads with booze that don’t inspire nostalgia but feelings one might get if they wake up with a hangover wondering what happened the night before. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. But that’s to be expected. Oh, there’s a chance some of these might not be from the United States either.

Two more shots for the cause with Ballantine Scotch.

Sorry, you two, but I’m sure Prohibition’s been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don’t like the look on that man’s face for some reason.

2. “Got a thirst for man-size pleasure?” Drink Falstaff.

I don’t know about you, but the lines “Got a thirst for Man-Size Pleasure?” have the potential of taking a whole different meaning on Grindr. And I’m sure it has nothing to do with beer or fishing. But I’m sure there may be Grindr users into that sort of thing.

3. Of course, even bunnies tend to enjoy the occasional cocktail now and then.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I’m not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit’s eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he’s eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

4. Cool off on your Caribbean vacation with some Rhum Negrita.

Hmm….a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I’m sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I’m sure it doesn’t look good with that volcano.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you a guide of Montezuma’s tequila recipes.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

6. Carrington’s Canadian Whiskey has uncommonly preferred stocks.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I’m sure there’s no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

7. A new baby in the family is always cause for celebration.

And the only living thing who doesn’t have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I’m sure the kiddies aren’t even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn’t fly in the US today.

8. Rheingold: the beer for lady duck hunters.

Let’s hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day’s hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don’t mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I’ll take my chances with the bear.

9. Of course, just because they have scotch at the country club, doesn’t mean you should drink it during a badminton tournament.

You know you’ve had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you’re not sure whether a “birdie” is referring to a shuttlecock or an actual bird. And you’re not sure which to hit.

10. Schlitz Beer: the American beer that made Milwaukee famous.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy’s beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who’s had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

11. Schlitz: The beer you want for your summer pool party.

And it seems that the beer isn’t the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there’s a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

12. Get that Ten High smile and double your enjoyment.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don’t want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

13. Beer is always the great tailgating drink when you’re watching the game.

Now I know that’s supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I’m well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

14. When it comes to company picnics, you can’t beat Schlitz.

Guess this was a way for a guy’s work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

15. Black & White: Worth hunting for.

Now it’s one thing to say “hunting” in a figurative sense. However, booze and hunting just don’t mix despite how many people thought for centuries. But at least there’s no gun in this. Only a whip. I dread how the horses will have the deal with during the fox hunt. It’s almost tradition to drink at those events.

16. With Passport Scotch, it’s not where you’ve been, it’s where you’re going.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport’s Scotch, the next place you’re going is jail.

17. Remember wives and kids, when Daddy gets home from work, you better bring him his Budweiser.

If Mommy doesn’t bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy’s going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he’ll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

18. For the kids: there’s always Jingle Jokes for Little Folks.

Hmmm….selling alcohol to minors. I’m sure that won’t do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

19. “I spread my wings when I discovered Smirnoff.”

So here's another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she's next to an old timey plane. Now there's nothing wrong with this picture, so long if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot's license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka which might help you spread your wings. But sometimes not in a way you'd want to.

So here’s another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she’s next to an old timey plane. Now there’s nothing wrong with this picture, if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot’s license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka and encourage young women to drink. Now I see nothing wrong with drinking at a party, ladies, but saying that drinking is liberating when it really makes you increasingly vulnerable to being violated and risky behavior. There’s a reason why you see PSAs against drunk driving. And I’ve seen Flight so I know that drinking and flying don’t mix either.

20. “End your Thanksgiving dinner in an old-fashioned blaze of glory!”

Now I know what you’re thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he’s really smiling because he burned his boss’s turkey in revenge for all the years of giving him crap on a minimum wage salary. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss’s family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

21. Things always seem to look better with Johnnie Walker Red.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they’ll hump anything. The woman isn’t as attractive as these guys think.

22. Colt 45 introduces Bottoms Up: the adult game for adults.

Sure it’s a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It’s not cool. It’s not glamorous. It’s not sexy. Period.

23. For your Christmas booze, always choose Johnnie Walker.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I’m getting nightmares looking at you already. Seems more like a home invasion threat to me.

24. “Nothing washes 8 hours of stupid questions out of your mouth like Old Pebkar.”

Yeah, because he’s so drunk that he can’t even remember them. Also, I’m sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving? Will I get arrested? Did I kill anybody?

25. “You can take a White Horse anywhere.”

However, remember that they’re talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let’s just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

26. “Mummy always chose my clothes until I discovered Smirnoff.”

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I’m sure her karate skills won’t be as much use to her as her designated driver.

27. “Relax, honey, at least I saved the beer.”

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I’m sure his wife ain’t happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn’t help that they’re dry clean only.

28. “Look, honey! No hands!”

I’m sure this guy is like, “Well, that’s my girl!” Yeah, he seems to find the perfect woman who’s pretty and waits on him hand and foot. Not to mention, she also drinks Budweiser.

29. During a bear encounter, nothing helps like Old Smuggler.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn’t mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I’d like to see that.

30. Have a Smirnoff…..in space.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

31. Cutty Sark: Scotch for the gladiators.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn’t go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

32. Income taxes due? Have a Worthington!

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

33. Walt Whitman receives a bottle of Old Crow from an admirer.

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read, “I Sing the Body Eclectic?” Yeah, I know that Maurice Minnifield would feel the same as you.

34. “In the war of oranges, Smirnoff is neutral.”

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must’ve come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

35. Take a break from chopping the tree with Petri Wine.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he’s also a very dumb beaver. I’m sure he’s really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

36. “Wolfschmidt has the secret of making real vodka.”

Uh, I think tying a dog’s mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I’m sure that’s way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

37. “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll make Thanksgiving dinner while you can enjoy a nice cold beer with your friends.”

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It’s not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

38. Nothing makes a better kiddie drink than Rainier Beer. Just look at the happy kids frolicking around a giant beer bottle.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let’s just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

39. “I’m as sure of myself on the court…as I am when choosing scotch.”

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn’t seem that he’s ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

40. During yellow fever season, nothing is better than Smirnoff.

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea? I mean when I hear of “yellow fever season” I sure as hell don’t imagine a couple lounging around in mosquito infested waters drinking vodka. Instead, I think of a mosquito transmitted disease that caused epidemics in the American South and actually killed people.

41. Schenley Whiskey: The preferred hard liquor for tax accountants.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don’t appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

42. “Okay, Scruffy, but this is the last one.”

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy’s wife is busy gardening.

43. Of course, it wasn’t unusual for a man to get a beer while mowing the lawn.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn’t warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor’s yard.

44. Remember, Fleishmann’s Whiskey is a big buy!

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn’t be smiling with glee. Rather I’d be like, “He needs help. He might have a drinking problem.” Wonder if he should go to AA.

45. Remember, always have a nip before you dip.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I'm sure being wasted won't prevent you from being eaten by sharks. Just saying.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I’m sure being wasted won’t prevent you from being eaten by sharks, especially if you’re drinking rum. Just saying.

46. Remember, real men drink Steel vodka while they’re working.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn’t help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

47. “Honey, can you take some beer out of the fridge to make room for the groceries?”

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he’s planning a party or a tailgate. If he’s not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

48. Who knew that Four Roses was the preferred drink of Frosty the Snowman?

Seems like Frosty isn’t the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he’s turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it, “spring.”

49. Colonial Pelican wants you to try some good old fashioned Mount Vernon Whiskey: The drink for the men in the locker room.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I’ve actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I’d find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men’s locker room really unsettling.

50. Now this is Schenley Whiskey’s portrait of a “two car man.”

Who’s on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he’s still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don’t think he’ll ever drive again.

51. Smirnoff: The vodka for mental patients.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it’s not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

52. How to hit on a girl while on Captain Morgan: “Go up to a girl and whisper Yo-ho-ho.”

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad’s advice, I swear to God you’d be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

53. PM Whiskey is known for its clear, clean taste.

Yes, this is an ad that’s geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it’s being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

54.With Kinsey Whiskey, you might discover how the “Rumpus Room” got its name.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist (who was probably bisexual), a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the “rumpus room.” Probably contains disturbing incidents involving anything long and hard.

55. Cream of Kentucky: The whiskey with the taste deranged old men prefer.

If you can’t leave him alone with the kids, don’t give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I’d ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

56. For dinner, always have Kaiser Stuhl with chicken.

I don't know about you. But while we're supposed to see a couple getting intimate, I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn't seem to be at all comfortable in this situation. Guess she's having a drink to get through it.

We’re supposed to see a couple getting intimate. I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn’t seem to be at all comfortable in this situation that she clearly regrets consenting to. Guess she’s having a drink to get through it all and hope he doesn’t call afterwards.

57. Dry Sack: “The change of pace drink that’s second to none.” It’s said that 9 out of 10 men prefer it.

If you’re into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

58. “Give her a Romantico Black Eye….she’ll love it!”

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn’t make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink “Black Eye” and suggest that a woman would love it? There’s nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

59. “The first thing I noticed was her big mouth.”

Maybe, but he must’ve thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn’t hold her in a good light.

60. Get the summer body you want with Schlitz.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would’ve thought that drinking Schlitz beer would’ve made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn’t known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

61. Cutty Sark Scotch: “Here’s to the gut feelings and those who still follow them.”

By “gut feelings” do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain’t intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN.

62. “Apples for health so….Bulmer’s for me.”

I’m not sure that’s what “an apple a day” means. And I’m pretty sure drinking cider won’t keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would’ve partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

63. For the highest on your list, choose wild turkey. After all, turkeys can’t fly without whiskey.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I’ve seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don’t soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don’t fly higher than trees (or a quarter of a mile off the ground) and most of them don’t live west of the Rockies.

64. Merry Christmas from the Scotch turkey.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn’t make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would’ve been more appropriate. Also, I don’t think the turkey looks too happy.

65. Myers’ Rum: The drink for people you don’t want to meet in a dark alley.

Now I don’t know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he’s probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who’d send you to places like ER or ICU. If he’s got a woman, then he’d be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

66. Colt 45: The preferred drink for outer space and the future.

Now I’m sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I’m sure that they were Bob Fosse’s rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey.

67. Pinch Scotch: the signature drink of scary cartoon ladies.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I’ll take a pass at whatever she’s serving. Also, I don’t think she’s very happy either.

68. Remember, ladies, the girl who brings the booze gets the most dudes.

And she’s pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn’t run out, she’ll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I’m sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who’s not attractive.

69. As Smirnoff says, women should always look their best before going into outer space.

Sorry, but I don’t think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you’re talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn’t fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

70. Try something better with J & B Rare Scotch.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond’s “Love on the Rocks.” Then again, they’re probably Kristen Stewart’s parents and are always like that 24/7.

The Strange Table World of Salt and Pepper Shakers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 9, 2015

For some, salt and pepper shakers are just vessels for two basic condiments on the dinner table. For others, they’re collectibles. As a volunteer at West Overton, I recorded a lot of these in a Microsoft Excel worksheet along with their other items. Initially people only extracted salt and pepper from bowls or containers until shakers came out in the 1920s. But they’ve really became popular during the Depression. Nevertheless, salt and pepper shakers have come in a lot of matching sets in all shapes and sizes. They even have two salt and pepper shaker museums. In this post, I’ll try to give you a glimpse of all the salt and pepper shakers out there. You have ones pertaining to pop culture. You have ones that might be in poor taste and wouldn’t want to put on the kids’ table. And you have ones that need to be seen to be believed. But you see salt and pepper shakers as souvenirs, gifts, decorations, and what not. So without further adieu, may I present to you to the crazy table world of salt and pepper shakers. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

Before you say grace, perhaps you can hold your condiments in shakers praying for the Lord.

Also, they come in 3 colors so you can praise Lord through your condiment holders however you like. Nevertheless, I think I’ll take a pass on these. I mean no disembodied praying hands are going on my table.

2. For all you Star Wars fans out there, grace your table with a Stormtrooper and Darth Vader shakers.

Of course, remember that your pepper will turn to the dark side. Also, when you use the salt, it won’t go on your food.

3. Remember the salt and pepper packs you get at restaurants. Now someone has made a larger home version of these.

Unlike the ones you get in a restaurant, they’re not disposable and are made from plastic. Still, pretty clever if you think about it.

4. These bottle salt and pepper shakers are fashioned into an ice bucket cruet like you see champagne.

Of course, the ice bucket is fake and won’t melt. However, I’m not sure if I’d want an arrangement like this on my table. I mean they look tacky.

5. It’s said that these grenade salt and pepper shakers really give you a taste explosion.

Now I don’t know what to think of this. In fact, I’d be afraid to pull the pins on these for fear they may explode. I really don’t want to be salt or pepper bombed.

6. For some people salt and pepper is as different as a hula dancer fork and spoon.

Of course, they might’ve went with knife, but too many people saw it as a weapon. Still, why they’re wearing grass skirts and waving their arms funny, I have no idea.

7. On this grill cruet, you can pour your salt and pepper from a hotdog and hamburger.

Now I know we put salt and pepper on hotdogs and hamburgers. But for some reason this is ridiculous and tacky. Not sure how it would work out at a barbecue.

8. Of course, you can’t make a great table for your guests without a salt and pepper shaker of Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead.

Unlike the toys, you can’t take off their parts. Not to mention, they aren’t made from plastic. Nevertheless, anyone who’s a fan of Toy Story will love them.

9. Of course, you’d never know that these aren’t cigarettes at first glance.

Of course, I wouldn’t recommend using these salt and pepper shakers for a cocktail party. Besides, I’m not sure about using an ashtray cruet. I mean that’s crazy.

10. Since you might have a matching stove and fridge, why not have your condiments match?

Now together they say, “Dinner is ready…when the smoke alarm goes off!” Then again, I’m not sure about having a salt and pepper shaker of a stove and fridge. Even if they are the same color of the stove and fridge.

11. Of course, these shells will keep your salt and pepper safe from harm.

Now they’re said to be grenades. However, I know what a grenade looks like. And these resemble either bullets or something you stuff inside some artillery piece.

12. For those who adore the adorable polar creatures or March of the Penguins, here is a lovely penguin pair for your table.

Of course, you can’t tell which of these is male or female. Then again, the one with the baby is probably the dad. They’re usually the ones who hatch the chick while the mom goes off to the sea to eat.

13. If you love pugs and tacky sweaters, I’m sure these pug salt and pepper shakers will strike your fancy.

Now I think these might be just the thing for some pug lover who doesn’t have much taste in interior decorating. Also those dog sweaters are atrocious. Still, it has its own unique charm.

14. Now for those working in chemistry, these flask condiment containers will do quite nicely.

Wouldn’t be surprised if you saw such a set on someone’s table on The Big Bang Theory. Do like the cork stoppers on these though.

15. Those who love Pepe le Pew will love this salt and pepper set with his cherie.

Of course, her name is more likely Penelope, not salt. However, Pepe should really get the memo that she’s a cat, not a skunk. But who cares?

16. Now with salt and pepper shakers like these, I’d suspect the owner must be from Florida.

Now I guess the pink flamingo is the salt and the red one’s the pepper. Nevertheless, they’re about as tacky as the lawn ornaments they imitate.

17. Now these kitty shakers have the salt and pepper come out from their rear ends.

Now I wonder why they’d have holes in their butts. Kind of seems a little in bad taste. Still, they seem to be quite cute from what I could see of them.

18. Dinner time isn’t the same without these dancing devil ballerinas.

Yes, they may be as evil as they come. But they seem so very light on their feet. Also, love their pronged forks.

19. As a rule, Her Royal Majesty the Queen always has to stand by her grenadier guard.

Of course, the guards always have to be very still and not smile. Still, looking at these makes me want to do my Monty Python pepperpot voice.

20. Hey, what the hell are those giant flies doing here?

Oh, they’re salt and pepper shakers. Nevertheless, I’m not sure why anyone would want them on their table. I mean they’re quite freaky.

21. In vampire love, it always starts with love at first bite.

I bet he’s trying to suck some blood from her neck. And she seems to enjoy it. However, it’s still a better vampire love story than Twilight. At least these make a more interesting couple.

22. Of course, you can’t serve dinner without having a couple of Chinamen salt and pepper shakers on your table.

I know this is supposed to be of a Chinese couple because of the guy’s hairstyle which was mandatory during the Ching dynasty. Nevertheless, these are depicted in a rather racist caricature. Yeah, wouldn’t be the kind you want to show to your Chinese neighbors.

23. Of course, it’s always easy to tell a good witch from a bad witch.

Now I hate to say this but this set up looks rather stereotypical. I mean good witches don’t always wear white and are blond. Bad witches aren’t always green and wear black.

24. Of course, salt and pepper shakers like these will immerse your table in sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.

Yes, all they want is peace and love. But I’m sure they wouldn’t be able to see how shitty things were at Woodstock. Well, the music was good but the accommodations were unbearable.

25. Now this salt and pepper shakers are made courtesy of New Orleans.

Okay, I don’t know about you. But these two seem to be rather racist caricatures. Seem like they’re done in a style you’d find akin to lawn jockeys. Yeah, as a white person, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with these two in my possession.

26. Seems like Ms. Pickle and Ms. Tomato love to make music together.

Seems that Ms. Pickle is on vocals while Ms. Tomato is on lyre. Still, I love the matching outfits on these two.

27. Seems that Mr. Onion and Mr. Artichoke are tennis buddies.

However, I’m sure Mr. Onion cries every time Mr. Artichoke scores. Nevertheless, they both have layers you’re not sure you’d want to peel off.

28. A nun’s habit depends on its color. Judge wisely.

Let’s just say I don’t think either habit is bad. Just different. Then again, I might not say the same about personality.

29. You can’t have a biblical feast without salt and pepper shakers of Adam and Eve.

Sure Adam and Eve may look cute in this. But somehow I feel this is somewhat borderline inappropriate for a kiddie table. Not sure why. Oh, wait, they’re naked. Talk about making original sin looking adorable.

30. Sorry, Rover, only salt and pepper coming from these bones.

Yes, I’m sure Rover wouldn’t want to bury these in the yard. And if he does, then he’s bound to be in deep trouble. Also if he chews on them, too.

31. Seems like someone at this table is busted.

Well, at least the good thing about this cops and robbers salt and pepper shaker is that they’re both of the same race. Let’s just say if the robber had darker skin, you could have some unfortunate implications.

32. These two Smokeys say that only you can prevent forest fires. Courtesy of the National Park Service.

Of course, one Smokey has the bucket while the other has the shovel. Hope the bear has good use for the shovel because it can be a rather deadly weapon.

33. Seems like bread from this toaster comes out two ways: white or burnt.

Still, I wonder what guests would think if you put this cruet on the table. They might wonder if you’re crazy. Well, that is until they see that the bread slices are made from plastic and have holes in them.

34. Oh, my God, there are giant ants at our picnic!

Relax, those are salt and pepper shakers, not live mutants. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to put them on a picnic table. They kind of look freaky for the most part.

35. Of course, bachelor pad can’t do without a cruet of a big boobed topless woman.

Actually he can. Really. Still, such condiment arrangement is bound to make dinnertime awkward. Except possibly in the Playboy mansion.

36. Of course, many people might think the idea of having a salt and pepper shaker depicting a kewpie on the toilet cute.

Now I wouldn’t want to see either of these on the dinner table. I mean that’s just tacky in my opinion. Seriously, why?

37. Presenting to you all, I give you butt shakers.

Now not only does this look rather inappropriate and out of proportion. It also kind of reminds me of a piece you see on the male anatomy. But I’m keeping myself mum on this.

38. Now this salt and pepper shaker set is fit for Picasso’s dinner table.

Well, at least these two fit together. However, I doubt these were made by Picasso. And they’d probably wouldn’t be on his table. However, they were probably inspired by his art.

39. Of course, if you want to throw a really fancy dinner, then you must have fancy salt and pepper shakers to go with it.

This is the Salieria piece by Benvenuto Cellini. It was made in the 19th century. However, unlike most of the pieces on here, it’s a museum piece, and therefore, not for sale.

40. Would you want your dinner served by Mr. S. Dolphin or Mr. P. Shark.

Of course, dolphins are porpoises. Thus, I think dolphin should be pepper while shark should be salt. Then again, I do love their tuxedo waiter outfits.

41. Nothing graces your dinner table like salt and pepper shakers depicting a baby doll’s head.

Okay, now there’s no way in hell I think anyone should put these on their table. Seriously, they’re going to make your guests think that there’s something wrong with you. Like you’re Hannibal Lecter.

42. Of course, you can always put your salt and pepper in paint tubes.

That is, unless you have paint tubes that might read Saffron and Persian Red. Then there might be some confusion.

43. When it comes to dachshunds, it all has to come out somewhere.

Now I’m sure people might find wiener dogs cute. But I’m not sure whether these salt and pepper shakers are among the best in table decor.

44. Out of the goodness of their hearts, I’m sure Brother Simon and Brother Peter will bless your meals.

Love how these monks seem to look the same and how their holes are used as facial features. Kind of look like they’re singing a chant. But I’m sure they’re on a vow of silence.

45. Press S for salt and P for pepper. It’s easy.

Now I’m sure these are still in the packaging. However, they’re keyboard keys so I’ll allow it. Still, not sure what they’d look outside the box.

46. In this bowling cruet, the ball sits between two pins.

And I’m sure the pins contain the salt and pepper. I’m not sure about the bowling ball though. Might just be for decoration.

47. Of course, you can’t have a monster Halloween party without some eyeballs to hold the condiments.

Now that’s creepy and kind of gross. Actually it’s really gross. But hey, I bet this would be a hit with the Addams family or in Halloween town.

48. Of course, you can’t have a great dinner party without putting your condiments in rings.

Now how they get the salt and pepper in these, I will never now. Must have some sort of device to open them. Not sure how you can funnel the stuff through the holes.

49. Seems like Pa is full of piss while Ma is full of shit.

Well, these shakers have been around for a long time. And yes, they’re tacky. But hey, people seem to love them despite their terrible taste.

50. You can always have fun in the sun with these salt and pepper shaker flip flops.

Now I’m sure they’re not as cheap as real flip flops. Nor are that as destructible either even if made from ceramics. And no, you probably can’t wear them on the beach or in the shower.

51. Excuse me, but can you please pass me the heroin and cocaine?

Let’s just hope that you don’t use these during a dinner party where a cop is present. Because the police officer might get the wrong idea. Still, why make shakers like these? Seriously.

52. When it comes to whether Jesus was white or black, perhaps you might want both renditions on the dinner table.

Actually it would be fairer to say that Jesus was Middle Eastern who’d more or less have in common with the black image than the white one. Of course, he also had short hair as most men in 1st century Palestine.

53. Guess salt has the whiskers and the pepper has the mustache.

Yes, these are LEGO head salt and pepper shakers. I’m sure they shouldn’t be played with. But they do look cool, though.

54. Nothing makes dinner better than putting your salt and pepper in llama heads.

Not sure of what some people might think of these. However, I kind of find them amusing and somewhat creepy. Have no idea what the appeal among llamas is these days though.

55. With salt and pepper shakers like these, I’m utterly stumped.

Okay, they may be logs. But I’m sure they’re not made from wood even though they sure look like it. Then again, maybe they are. I can’t tell.

56. Why choose between Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White when you can have both at your second breakfast table.

Because both can be rather equally badass. I mean Gandalf the Gray says, “You shall not pass!” Also, Gandalf the White has a pretty cool horse and staff. Then again, Gandalf the Gray rocks in his wizard hat.

57. Nothing graces your garden party table like a cruet of a mooning gnome.

Now it’s one thing to have a mooning gnome in your garden. But it’s another thing to have one on your dinner table. Not sure which is worse.

58. Of course, no hunting lodge table would be complete without these gamey condiment containers.

Now I guess salt is moose and pepper is deer. However, what they’re used to flavor depends on where you live in North America.

59. At dinner, you can’t ignore these cute ninja salt and pepper shakers on the table.

Yes, these were adorable. But real ninjas usually didn’t dress this way and were usually spies. Oh, and they tended to improvise when it came to weapons.

60. Now these film canister shakers seem so picture perfect.

However, if you’re not using a digital camera, remember that you not mistake them for your real film canisters. Luckily they’re probably much bigger than the real things.

61. Of course, these skulls are sure to lighten up a dead audience. Or maybe not.

Not sure if these would be good for reciting Hamlet’s “Alas poor Yorick,” but they might do. Still, some people might find skull shakers a bit disturbing or creepy.

62. Of course, why not salt and pepper your meal with pee and poop?

Still, despite their cute faces, they’re kind of disgusting if you think about it. Seriously, some people might find these in very poor taste indeed. Also, might crush a few appetites in the process.

63. With shakers like these, they will be a nice gift for any school teacher or co-worker at the office.

Well, at least you know where you can refill them. But I’m sure you can’t use the pink parts as erasers.

64. Hey, I didn’t know they had unicorns in two different colors.

I’m sure your guests would love these graceful shakers on your table. If not, then they’ll certainly make a fine conversation piece.

65. These battery shakers have indicators that remind you when to refill.

And it seems that they’ve been used quite a bit since they’re both half filled. Of course, it’s apparent that they may soon run out of juice if used often enough.

66. Nothing makes a great addition to the dinner table than having your condiments in disembodied baby arms.

As if baby head salt and pepper shakers weren’t disturbing enough. Granted they were derived from doll parts, but still.

67. Your dinner table is never complete without salt and pepper shakers derived from severed baby legs.

Now that’s disgusting. Seriously, who the hell designs these things. And why would anyone want such demented stuff on their table? People might think you’re a serial killer.

68. Of course, these salt and pepper shakers will bring the ornate sense of wonder from the Middle East to your dinner table.

Then again, these might perpetuate some Arab and Muslim stereotypes though. Yes, people still dress like that there, but not everyone. Also, I’m sure women can show their faces in most Middle East countries even if they can’t show their hair.

69. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

Nevertheless, they kind of divided the group into shakers between the ones who are dead and the ones who are still alive. Of course, this is the Fab Four in their early years.

70. May this medieval cruet make a fine royal and holy addition to your table.

Actually this set looks as if it was either made by somebody or bought from a Renaissance Faire. Either way, doesn’t look like the condiment set people in the Middle Ages would use. Still, love the crowns though.

71. Nothing makes a table look better than squirrel salt and pepper shakers.

Now I’m sure squirrel shakers might look cute if they consisted of the whole animal. However, these only consist of their heads which is kind of terrifying.

72. Of course, Spock wouldn’t think these kind of shakers would be logical.

Yes, these are Star Trek salt and pepper shakers. Yes, they consist of Kirk and Spock. No, I don’t know which one is which.

73. I’m sure you’re summer luau will be a hit with these bongo drum shakers at your table.

Now I’m sure they’d go well not just at tiki parties but also beatnik jam sessions, too. However, not so sure if anyone would want to see them though.

74. Of course, you can’t have dinner without a place to go on.

Now I’m sure you’ll find both of these in a men’s room. And only one of these in the ladies’ room. Still, they’re probably fairly tacky for a dining room table.

75. Now these would be perfect for any table during road season.

Now I’m familiar with the classic orange traffic cone. However, I’m not sure if traffic cones even come in black. I mean they need to stick out so people can see them. If I were the designer, I’d go with fluorescent yellow.

76. Not sure if you want to roll these dice. You might spill something.

Yes, these are dice salt and pepper shakers. No, they aren’t used for games or gambling. They’re used for food.

77. Now I wonder how these women walk with big TV screens on their heads.

It’s said that they come from the Victorian Era but I highly doubt it. Still, there’s something a bit either sci-fi or dystopian about them. Also, they’re quite freaky, too.

78. “I’m a doctor, not a pepper shaker.”

Yes, these are salt and pepper shakers of Uhura and Dr. McCoy. Yes, they’re from Star Trek. One is the chief medical officer who clashes with Spock. The other is the communications officer who translates stuff and got kissed by Kirk.

79. Of course, you can’t have a super dinner without Superman and Wonder Woman.

Now I’m sure one is from the planet Krypton and the other’s from an island of Amazons. Still, they’re both from the DC universe and everyone wants them to be together. Also, wear stuff normal people wouldn’t be caught dead in.

80. “Pepper, my dear, I don’t give a salt.”

Yes, I’m sure this is an antique set for the movie. If it was made at the time. Still, I’ll put it in since Gone with the Wind is such an iconic film.

Salute the Red, White, and Blue United States of America with These Patriotic 4th of July Treats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 23, 2015

Now that Father’s Day is over, it’s now time for me to get some posts on the 4th of July in order to break the May to June slump. For you foreigners reading this blog, the 4th of July is a holiday Americans celebrate to mark the day the Declaration of Independence was issued in which made the United States a new nation on that day in 1776, thus formally and permanently severing ties with Great Britain. Well, we were fighting a war with Britain at the time anyway but that’s beside the point. Okay, we didn’t become independent as far as they’re concerned. But let me not get into the whole American Revolution thing because it would take me a very long time to explain. Anyway, despite the patriotic significance of the holiday, my family doesn’t place much emphasis on it. Well, we might see fireworks from the back yard but that’s about it. Hey, it’s not that we don’t love our country for I’ve had people in my family serve in the military. It’s just when it comes to patriotic holidays in my family, Thanksgiving is a bigger deal. Don’t ask me, it just is. Nevertheless, there are plenty of 4th of July celebrations in the country such as fireworks, parades, fairs, regattas, picnic and what have you. And yes, there are plenty of parties and drinking as well as picnics with their share of delectable delights. Of course, your standard Independence Day fair usually consists of the usual grilled hotdogs and hamburgers as well as a salad, chips, watermelon, or other side dishes. Sometimes you may even have steak, barbecue ribs, pulled pork, or even corn on the cob. Let’s just say there’s a lot of barbecue stuff on the menu. But in this post, I’ll introduce you to some treats that will truly capture the true patriotic spirit of Independence Day, especially if they’re in red, white, and blue. So without further adieu, salute your star spangled banner with these yankee doodle treats for your patriotic celebration.

1. For the 4th of July, grace your dessert tray with these star spangled sugar cookies.

Now these have stars and stripes all over them. And with the right combination, they would taste patriotically sweet.

2. For your 4th of July barbecue, show your love for America with this patriotic pasta salad.

Now this patriotic pasta salad is called this because it’s one with the red, white, and blue noodles. Oh, and it has pepperoni in it, too.

3. For your kids, this Uncle Sam ice cream treat will give them a star spangled smile on their faces.

Now I’m sure this might not be a good treat for a picnic since you’d have to freeze it. But I think it’s cute nevertheless.

4. If appetizers are your thing, then you can’t go wrong with some star spangled cheese dip.

Now with some red, white, and blue dip, your crackers can now be dipped into some patriotic cheesiness. Just don’t do it twice, as we’ve all know about the rule against double dipping.

5. Grace your dessert platter at your 4th of July picnic with this one-of-a-kind Uncle Sam hat cake.

Of course, Uncle Sam used to be an icon on old military recruitment posters. Now he’s just a 4th of July holiday icon. Still, he does have a cool hat though.

6. Bring in the fun in the sun on July 4th with these summer themed patriotic sugar cookies.

Now these consist of some striped sandals, American flag swimming trunks and bikini, a stars and stripes beach towel, and a red, white, and blue beach towel. Perfect for any 4th of July beach party if you ask me.

7. This cupcake is just as red, white, and blue in the filling as it’s in the icing.

Of course, when red, white, and blue mix together there’s a potential for some purple. But nonetheless, a great addition for any flag waving American dessert table.

8. Want to know what’s more American than apple pie? Well, a strawberry and rhubarb Captain America pie, that is.

Ironically, this is an official dessert of the Avengers along with Tony Stark Sundae, Black Widow Brownies, Bruce Banner Bundt, Nick Fury Trifle, and Hawkeye Fruit Cake. Of course, many of these will become a real thing right after I mention them. Yeah, I'm sure there are comic book nerds who also love to bake.

Ironically, this is an official dessert of the Avengers along with Tony Stark Sundae, Black Widow Brownies, Bruce Banner Bundt, Nick Fury Trifle, Thor Banana Split, and Hawkeye Fruit Cake. Of course, many of these will become a real thing right after I mention them. Yeah, I’m sure there are comic book nerds who also love to bake.

9. Fruit salad has never been more American than when it’s in a watermelon with an American flag.

Of course, this fruit salad contains watermelon as well as blueberries. But still, you have to admire the flag design on this.

10. Now white bread is a notable American staple. But red, white, and blue bread is even more American than that.

And it’s almost in the form of an American flag. Still, I wonder how getting a slice like that is even possible.

11. Usher in the spirit at your 4th of July party with these American flag cake pops.

Oh, yes, I had to put some cake pop stuff in since they tend to have some for every holiday. Yet, I think some of the stripes could have more white icing than drizzle. But that’s just me.

12. For your patriotic party favors, perhaps these red, white, and blue chocolate stars on sticks may suit your fancy.

Well, they may seem like red, white, and blue tye die to some, but they'll do. I'm sure the kids will love them.

Well, they may seem like red, white, and blue tie die to some, but they’ll do. I’m sure the kids will love them.

13. If you don’t have red, white, and blue pasta for your salad, then I’m sure pepperoni, cheese, and olives will do as long as it’s in flag form.

Not sure what’s under it but I can bet there will be more types of veggies. Still, it’s hard to find a blue vegetable so olives will have to do.

14. For your 4th of July barbecue, I’m sure these red, white, and blue veggie kabobs will make a fine side dish.

Now this consists of at least red peppers and white onions. Not sure what’s supposed to represent the blue one because it looks like a block. Perhaps it’s eggplant.

15. For your 4th of July morning, there’s nothing like some fruit flag bread to start your day.

Now this consists of raspberries, banana, and blueberries. Of course, when it comes to patriotic treats, it’s easier when it comes to fruit and desserts. Not so much with other foods though.

16. Nothing brings in the patriotic spirit of your 4th of July party than these star spangled jello cups.

Now while jello is used in many desserts like these, doesn’t mean they’re for kids. So if you see jello cups like this, ask the host if they contain alcohol before your kid gets a hold of one. You’d thank me later.

17. For your 4th of July snack, you can’t go wrong with a patriotic popcorn on a stick.

Now I’ve never seen popcorn on a stick before. I’ve seen popcorn balls on Halloween and Christmas. But not that. Still, it’s patriotic because of the sprinkles and icing.

18. While burgers are a 4th of July stable, you can’t get more patriotic than an American flag bacon cheeseburger.

Now I’m sure these were created by some repressed art major. But still, I’d recommend that people stick with a regular burger, bacon cheese or not. Because this one looks like it might kill you.

19. While you might not get star burgers, you can always have star buns.

Now these buns are made from corn bread. But I bet they’d be a hit at any 4th of July barbecue that features hamburgers and hotdogs.

20. Show your love for America this 4th of July with these Rice Krispie American flags.

Also, seems like Rice Krispies tend to be used a lot for holiday treats, too. Still, you can either put them on a stick or in a dish. Pretty clever if you think about it.

21. A red, white, and blue tie dye cake will do quite nicely for your 4th of July dessert table.

And yes, the red, white, and blue run together inside the cake as well as on the icing. Quite innovative if I do say so myself.

22. For party favors, you can’t go wrong with these patriotic pretzel sticks.

Now these consist of pretzels, icing, M&Ms, and sprinkles. Seems like a really simple recipe. And I’m sure the kids will love it.

23. Grace your 4th of July dessert platter with these red velvet brownie star snacks.

Now these consist of red velvet brownies, white icing, and blueberries. And they’re made into sandwiches for good measure.

24. What’s more American than apple pie? Well, a cherry and blueberry American flag pie for the 4th of July.

Yes, I’m sure this will make a fine American entry in any American 4th of July pie contest. Well, as long as it tastes good, that is. I’m sure any patriotic American will love this.

25. Now nothing makes a better centerpiece for a 4th of July dessert platter than a cake of an American flag.

Yes, this is a cake of the American Grand Old Flag, a high flying flag, and forever in peace may it reign. Okay, I’m sorry, George M. Cohan, but I know that you weren’t really born on the 4th of July unlike Calvin Coolidge (who was kind of a shitty president during the 1920s).

26. If you don’t want to make a mess with a pie, these blueberry star tarts will do just fine.

Now these can be baked in little glass containers as long as you’re careful. So when serving them, you don’t have to make a mess. Looks like something you’d see right off of Martha Stewart.

27. Nothing makes a more patriotic side dish at a 4th of July party than an American flag taco salad.

Sure it’s not quite red, white, and blue but can anyone really name a naturally blue veggie? I can’t. Still, this is a great way for Mexican Americans to celebrate the 4th of July, not to be stereotypical here.

28. For you patriotic dessert table, you can’t go wrong with a red, white, and blue sundae treat.

Now this has red and blue jello with whipped cream. Other than that, the decorations and sequence are up to you. But it’s a sundae to me even if it doesn’t contain ice cream.

29. Show your love for the United States of America with these heart and star American flag cookies.

Now I’m sure these were made in a bakery of some sort. But still, you have to love these cookies. If not, then you’re not patriotic. Hating these cookies is very Un-American to say the least.

30. If you’re serving hamburgers at your 4th of July party, you can’t show your love of America more than with this American flag topping tray.

Now this contains sliced tomatos, provolone cheese, and some blue chips. Wonder why there are no lettuce and onions since they usually go on burgers, too.

31. For the kids at your 4th of July party, it’s best to make red, white, and blue candy rockets.

Amazing what you can do with some fruit roll ups, life savers, and a stick. Of course, this is probably one of the easiest things to make on here.

32. If an American flag cake is too much for you, you can always go with American flag and firework cupcakes.

Now whether flag and firework, you can bet they will have red, white, and blue icing on them. Ironically, I usually display cupcakes earlier in the holiday treat posts. Then again, you have a lot patriotic treats here.

33. Now when it comes to snacks, you can’t do wrong on the 4th of July with a bowl of patriotic popcorn.

Wonder how they get the sprinkles to stick to the corn kernels. It’s just a thought. Then again, it’s mostly white because it doesn’t use butter salts. But it probably has salt in it though.

34. For healthier options, celebrate the 4th of July with some red, white, and blue sushi.

Don’t tell me that they celebrate the 4th of July in Japan. Then again, this might be some Japanese American idea. Still, I like how some of the red peppers give the impression of fireworks. Also available in caviar. But please, stick with the peppers because caviar is expensive.

35. For you flag waving patriots out there, you can’t go wrong with some cookies decorated with Old Glory.

Now I’m sure putting the 50 sprinkles in the blue part wasn’t easy. Then again, these bar cookies could’ve been done by a professional baker. But they will go nice with the American flag cake.

36. What’s more American than an American flag cake? An American flag in a cake.

Now this had to be professionally done since there’s no way someone could get a flag on a cake that brilliantly. Still, as to how this process is done, I’m just as awe stricken as I’d be seeing fireworks.

37. Nothing makes a more patriotic dessert than American flag star cookies.

Now these are arranged as an American flag just to keep that in mind. Yet, it’s in such a jumbled up mess that it almost has a patriotic surrealist quality.

38. While some American flag cakes are laid flat, there are some who go with the wavy Old Glory option.

Now this was definitely done by a professional as I’ve seen in the detail. But it would make a fine centerpiece on any dessert platter in many respects.

39. What’s more patriotic than American flag star cookies. American flag star cookies with the, “Pledge of Allegiance.”

Certainly professionally done since most people really can’t write so well in icing. Also, the stripes are vertical, but then again, it’s supposed to represent the red stripes. Probably a way to save on icing.

40. Nothing makes a more American pizza than a flag one with bacon and blue corn chips.

Sure it may be a very American pizza dish. But please, all that bacon, cheese, and corn chips can’t really be good for you. This goes especially for the bacon stripes.

41. On the 4th of July there’s nothing better to show your love of country than a red, white, and blue trifle.

I see quite a few of thee but they usually contain cake, whipped cream, blueberries, and strawberries. But the designs on top usually vary considerably.

42. Enjoy your chili dog on the 4th of July with this one-of-a-kind red, white, and blue bun.

Surprisingly, this was created by a Brazilian food vendor last year during the Men’s World Cup in Rio de Janiero. I’m not sure if you can get it in the states unless one person gets an idea. Still, I’m sure the vendor got a lot of stuff right about Americans in this one chili dog, which is kind of disturbing.

43. For those who have kids, patriotic children will certain love these 4th of July bear cookies.

Seems like they have their faces painted for some 4th of July sporting event. But they’re quite cute, nevertheless. Definitely a treat for children.

44. Nothing shows the patriotic spirit on the 4th of July than some Uncle Sam marshmallow and cracker hats.

Now these seem to contain Ritz crackers, marshmallows, and fruit roll-up. I’m sure decor and food coloring are involved. But these are quite adorable for any dessert platter.

45. If patriotic popcorn doesn’t cut it, you can always go with some patriotic American flag pretzels.

All these contain are waffle pretzels, red, white, and blue icing, and sprinkles. Of course, it would take a long time to decorate a whole bowl of them and then some from what I see here.

46. For those who wish to have a healthier American flag cake, you can always decorate it with fruit.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these and most of them usually have blueberries and strawberries for obvious reasons. However, blackberries and raspberries work, too,

47. Have a blast this 4th of July with these explosive firework cookies.

Now these were probably professionally done since they icing designs are so intricate. But they’ll probably make an explosively fine addition to your dessert table while people are watching fireworks.

48. Celebrate the 4th of July at your picnic with some red, white, and blue jello salad.

Uses the same dish you’d use for a trifle. Not sure what fruits are in here though. But maybe that’s the point.

49. Nothing shows your love more for the US national symbol than these bald eagle treats.

Of course, some might find the fact these only are heads a bit disconcerting. But they’re nevertheless cute. A good dessert for kids who can tolerate coconut.

50. Tired of eating your hotdog on a bun? For the 4th of July, you can use some hotdog wraps and fashion them as firecrackers.

They’re usually topped with cheese and put on a stick. Sometimes the cheese can be in a star or a triangle. And sometimes they they have cupcake wrappers under them.

51. If you want to make an explosive impression this 4th of July, these red, white, and blue star sugar cookies will certainly be a blast with your guests.

Now these couldn’t be made without the magic of food coloring. Still, this won’t stop you from stacking them as well as giving them features of star shaped firecrackers.

52. Speaking of firecracker treats, sugar covered marshmallows and licorice make great fireworks, too.

Now these must be jammed pack with some sickeningly sweet sugar. But I'm certainly they're easy to make and your kids will love them.

Now these must be jammed pack with some sickeningly sweet sugar. But I’m certainly they’re easy to make and your patriotic kids will love them.

53. For those looking for a more healthy option that’s easy to make, then try these American flag fruit kabobs.

Now these usually consist of blueberries and strawberries on skewers. Sometimes there are marshmallows. Sometimes there are not.

54. Instead of buying rocket pops for the kiddies, celebrate the 4th of July with these patriotic popsicles.

Now I’m not sure what these contain. Then again, they might have fruit in them. Still, your kids will love them.

55. Nothing brings in the 4th of July spirit at a picnic more than red, white, and blue fudge stars.

Man, isn’t there anyone who doesn’t like fudge? Other than nutritionists or dietitians? Then again, best to eat one patriotic fudge star at a time.

56. When it comes to charming your guests at the 4th of July barbecue, red, white, and blue deviled eggs make the ideal appetizer.

What disappoints me about these eggs is that they most likely weren’t laid by a red, white, and blue chicken. Now that would’ve been awesome.

57. No 4th of July cupcakes can ever achieve the level of patriotic goodness than those with hotdogs on them.

Now these are so adorable and less disgusting than the real thing (despite not having as much nutritional value). Seriously, I’ll only have a hotdog whenever there’s no other option at a barbecue, especially after taking a chemistry in college.

58. Celebrate Independence Day with an appetizer of red, white, and blue watermelon and cheese stars.

I can tell that’s cheese because it’s flat. Also, they’re topped with blueberries for the blue part as toothpicks hold all the parts together.

59. What’s more American than an American flag cake? A cake of the United States of America.

Excludes, Alaska, Hawaii, as well as any US territory, commonwealth, and possession. Nevertheless, it’s covered in as much red and blue fruit as possible.

60. Nothing can make a kid so yankee doodle dandy on the 4th of July than having his or her own marshmallow pinwheel on a stick.

Of course, these seemed have marshmallow fluff and fruit roll-up in a swirl. And no, they don’t look like pinwheels. But I’m sure some people will love it.

61. Show the true patriotic spirit of American desserts with these red, white, and blue cheesecakes.

The great part of this patriotic dessert is that you don’t have to put it in the oven. Said to contain raspberry gelatin. Enjoy.

62. Get the 4th of July fireworks party started with these red, white, and blue jello shots.

Now despite containing, jello, star spangled sugar cookies, and whipped cream, these aren’t for anyone under 21. I mean jello shots contain alcohol, which means after a few you might not want to variety of tasks such as driving, making love, and singing karaoke. You have been warned.

63. For your side at the 4th of July barbecue really show your love for the stars and stripes with these patriotic biscuits.

From how I see it, images consist of “USA,” American flag heart, Uncle Sam hat, and red and blue star. There may be more though. I’m not sure where you get these or if you have to make them yourself.

64. For any star spangled 4th of July party, a red, white, and blue gelatin is the ideal patriotic dessert.

Now this is a bunt jello dessert in red, white, and blue layers. Of course, I seem to have a lot of jello dishes in my post for some reason. Maybe it’s because it’s summer.

65. For your dessert platter, show your patriotism with these pinwheel icebox cookies.

I’m sure these might be store bought from some Pillsbury package. Then again, they might’ve been homemade by rolling 3 different colors of dough together. I’m not sure if your guests will notice either way.

66. Heard of “The Star Spangled Banner?” Perhaps you can try this star spangled pizza.

Now the toppings only consist of 3 ingredients such as tomato sauce, cheese, and blue corn chips. Well, the third because you can’t really find a lot of blue foods you can put on a pizza.

67. For your 4th of July party, these patriotic fruit tarts are as healthy and American as apple pie.

Of course the two biggest ones consist of a star and an American flag. Not sure about the other 3. Then again, I’m sure they’re a hit at the dessert table.

68. For your 4th of July dinner, serve your party guests up with a plate of red, white, and blue spaghetti.

Of course, even from looking at this, I can’t really tell whether you should serve it hot or cold. But I’m certain you shouldn’t serve it with tomato sauce. That is, unless it has blue meatballs, too. But I doubt it.

69. Salute America on the 4th of July with these red, white, and blue star shots.

As with the jello shots, these contain alcohol. So therefore, they aren’t for anyone under 21. Also, they’re more often than not used in cocktail parties, by the way. Just giving you a heads up.

70. For those scrambling to find something to make for the kids, look no further than this American flag snack tray so you can have more time on your Independence Day.

Now this includes, licorice, blueberries, white chocolate covered pretzels, and popcorn. Seems to be a little light on the popcorn. Not sure why.

71. Uncle Sam wants you to serve your 4th of July guests with a fruit pizza of his hat.

Now this consists of strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries at various parts. Still, seems like it was created from some repressed art major working at some job with limited creativity.

72. Treat the kiddies this 4th of July with these Uncle Sam peanut cookies.

Well, the picture calls these, “Uncle Sam Nutter Butter Cookies.” Still, even if your kid thinks Uncle Sam is the brother to Colonel Sanders, they will probably enjoy them just the same.

73. Show your 4th of July party guests your love of America with this American flag vegetable tray.

Sure it might not be as red, white, and blue as you want it to be but it’ll do. Comes with blue dill dip possibly made from cream cheese. Nevertheless, basically the only veggie try I have in this post so far.

74. For dessert, treat your 4th of July guest with a red, white, and blue tart with stars.

Now I’ve put a lot of tarts on this post. This is one of the few that seems to come in a bar and ripped off from some cookbook. Contains raspberries and blueberries.

75. For this 4th of July morning, wake up to the smell of patriotic pancakes.

Yes, these flapjacks come in red, white and blue. Perhaps to make it more patriotic, they should’ve had some blueberry and cherry syrup as well as whipped cream. Seriously, what else is the pancake station for?

76. For you patriotic pasta fans, celebrate your 4th of July with a dish of American flag lasagna.

Sure there’s no blue in it but you’d have to make do with mushrooms. Unless you want to use blue corn chips. Still, love how they have the tomato sauce and cheese stripes.

77. Celebrate your Independence Day at your party with a jello dessert of a waving Old Glory.

Now this has a red jello decorated with whipped cream and blueberries. It’s also surrounded by fruit, too.

78. Whether you love America or are a fan of the Avengers, we can all agree that a Captain America pizza is great for any 4th of July party.

Now if you want an Avengers party, you might want to include things like Thor T-Bone Steaks, Ironman enchiladas, Hulk Hotdogs, Black Widow Burgers, Nick Fury Fries, and Hawkeye potato salad. You can serve these with some Loki lemonade if you want. But yeah, Captain America’s shield does make a great design for a pizza.

79. These Captain America rice cakes will be a great patriotic treat for any All-American boy into Marvel.

Sure Captain America may not be your son’s favorite Avenger. But he’s the only one who’s supposed to be a patriotic mascot and carries a red, white and blue shield. Well, the white part might be silver, but still.

80. Bring the American spirit at your appetizer snack platter with this patriotic fruit tray.

Now this tray consists of watermelon, blueberries, and cheese. Yes, doesn’t have much of a selection but when it comes to 4th of July treats, you have to go with the red, white, and blue.

To Have and to Hold Wedding Cake Toppers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 3, 2015

Now last year I did a post on wedding cakes which has received a lot of views since July. But even so, most wedding cakes usually have decorations of some sort, particularly on the top. Now toppers usually range from a floral arrangement with fake flowers to the traditional standing bride and groom. And a lot of times, you can customize as you and significant others please. However, despite this being a food post, most of what I have to feature isn’t at all edible and sometimes tends to be used as a keepsake. For instance, my grandparents have their wedding cake topper. Nevertheless, while I can tell you of all the great wedding cake toppers out there, you probably wouldn’t want to hear it since it would be quite boring and sentimental that it’ll make you puke in sheer boredom. So instead I’ll show wedding cake toppers that should never be on wedding cakes or see a wedding reception. I mean you have to wonder why couples would ever want them gracing their cakes. So for your reading pleasure, here are some ill-advised wedding cake toppers you shouldn’t put on your wedding cake. Some of these might not be safe for work.

1. All right, get him to the altar kicking and screaming where it’s legal.

I know it’s a gay marriage cake but still. It’s basically abduction if you really think about it, even if the guys are in tuxedos. And it being a gay wedding cake, it might have certain unfortunate implications to some people.

2. As in fairy tales, if you kiss a frog it’s said to turn into a prince.

Still, I’m sure if you kiss a frog he may still be a frog. And even if he’s a prince, he could still be a jerk. Seriously, the frog in the Frog Prince story was a jerk who thinks good deeds to girls should get him laid.

3. Sometimes the bride can just be too big that they fall into the cake.

Now while overweight women do get married (and not always to overweight men), this is just pretty insulting to them. Seriously, why does this cake topper even exist for God’s sake?

4. Nothing makes a better wedding cake topper than one paying tribute to a movie about a woman being pursued by her 12 feet tall and 800 pound city ravaging stalker.

Enjoy your honeymoon in New York City. Hope you like your view from the top of the Empire State Building. Seriously, King Kong is a very twisted love story if you really think about it.

5. Seems like she’s caught him by the buttocks. Now she just has to reel him in.

I’m sure if this guy wants to get loose, all he has to do is take his pants off. Then again, the hook might’ve dug into his skin by now. But I’m not sure if he’ll take it hook, line, and sinker.

6. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you horse and unicorn head.”

Of course, you might think it’s demented. But keep in mind that a couple is actually wearing such masks in the background. Still, very demented as a cake topper of which your family members may never really understand.

7. Grace your wedding cake with the Dark Knight and his Catwoman bride.

Yeah, I’m sure a marriage between Batman and Catwoman would seem like a match made in heaven. But keep in mind, Batman is a psychological wreck with childhood induced PTSD who thinks dressing up as a bat as well as acts that his brand of vigilante justice and vengeance will honor his dead parents’ memories. And Catwoman, well, she’s a habitual thief and possibly can’t be trusted.

8. Now this wedding cake topper has the ultimate bridezilla.

Let me guess, their honeymoon will probably consist of storming the streets of Tokyo. It will probably be an utter disaster, for the Japanese at least.

9. This zombie wedding cake topper will show how true love lasts forever, even beyond the grave or during a zombie apocalypse.

Sure this might be a great wedding cake topper, if you plan to get married on Halloween. Otherwise, I’m sure nobody wants to think about zombie hordes hungry for your brains on what’s supposed to be a happy occasion.

10. Awww….Alien marries Predator. Isn’t that sweet?

I bet you any money that this cake topper was the groom’s idea in this wedding. Besides, since they already came out with Alien vs. Predator, I’m not sure if I’d think a Alien/Predator marriage would even work out. Then again, they might kill each other in the process, which may be fine by me.

11. Sometimes the secret to getting a man is to lasso him in.

This bride’s face reads: “Hmm…doesn’t seem like much, but he’ll do just the same.” Seriously, lassos are for cows, not men, especially at the neck.

12. I call this one “Armed in Matrimony.”

Because marriage is all about you and your partner against the rest of the world. Seems like the bride really loves her shotgun, perhaps a bit too much. Then again, at least the guns are for hunting as far as I know.

13. Get married and then spend your wedding day texting on your smartphones.

Now I have nothing against weddings but on your special day, mobile devices should be off limits at least until the honeymoon. Seriously, a cell phone interruption is the last thing you want at a wedding.

Now I have nothing against technology but on your special day, mobile devices should be off limits at least until the honeymoon. Seriously, a cell phone interruption is the last thing you want at a wedding.

14. “Ah…can I just play one more level of Halo?” “No way, Jose!”

Sorry, buddy, but it’s game over for you. Now pick up yourself by your bootsraps and grow up. Then again, I wonder if the bride is dragging him to the altar a little too soon.

15. Ah…there’s nothing like romantic moment like love at first fight.

I’m sure these two are only marrying each other because they want children and feel that they couldn’t find someone better. They can’t stand each other. Then again, they can be in a romantic comedy, which in this case would make them utterly perfect for each other.

16. Seems like this bride really loves her new husband’s cheeks.

Okay, I’m sure that would be hard to explain to the children. Nothing to see here, kids. You’ll find out when you’re older.

17. Congratulations to Mr. Right and Mrs. Always Right.

And it seems that Mrs. Always Right really wants to rub it in to Mr. Right. I’m not sure why. But she probably wants to show who’s boss.

18. Of course, weddings can be stressful. And after the big day, you just want to relax.

I can understand why the groom would want to kick back on his recliner and TV after the altar trip. Wish the bride could have something to relax on, too.

19. “Don’t make me aim my shotgun at you.”

I’m sure if you need a shotgun to stop a runaway groom, then I’m not sure if you should marry him. Him complying would be fear not love. And in romance, it’s better to be loved than feared and hated.

20. Seems like the latest wedding craze for brides is having their groom on a leash.

Now either this is utterly humiliating for the groom or some kind of BDSM routine. But by the look of their faces, it seems to lean toward the former for some reason.

21. These two newlyweds are as crazy as a couple of mad rabbits.

Sure rabbits are supposed to be cute little balls of fur. These are not in any way. Still, I’d watch out for the bride if I were you. She has a skillet and isn’t afraid to use it, and I’m not sure for cooking.

22. For your under the sea wedding theme, it’s best to have your wedding cake topped with a couple of mermice.

What the fuck? Seriously, this is fucked up beyond belief. How in the hell would anyone think that putting a fishtail on the animal you call an exterminator for is cute?I mean the person who came up with an idea like this must be a. a hippie who had too much brown acid at Woodstock, b. a mad scientist, c. a rogue taxidermist or some old timey impresario wanting to make a buck, or d. all of the above.

23. For those men about to marry significantly older women, a Harold and Maude wedding cake topper would do just fine.

Sure it’s a 1970s film about a barely legal emo teen and a geriactric bohemian old enough to be his grandma. But still, at least it has a good storyline, a strong female lead, and a Cat Stevens soundtrack. Also, at least it’s not a romance between 17 year old girl and a 107-year old vampire who hangs out at her high school. Now that would be very creepy.

24. “By the power vested in me, I pronounce you Chucky and Bride of Chucky.”

Okay, I think if my grandma saw this wedding cake topper she’d remark on how cute it was until she took a closer look. Yeah, I’m sure a topper of homicidal dolls is what you’d want on your wedding cake. Not.

25. Nothing drives the point of “till death do us part” than a couple of kissing skeletons emphasizing “how love never dies.”

Now skeletons are one thing but French kissing skeletons over a grave? Now that’s crazy. Even for a wedding on Halloween.

26. “I’m arresting you in the name of love for stealing my heart. You’ll be facing a lifetime of holy matrimony.”

I suppose this wedding cake topper is for a cop. Still, for a second I thought he either had her pulled over or she was giving a description of her runaway groom.

27. For more innocent fun, top your wedding cake with this PlayMobil couple.

Seems like this groom just married a black widow, or a woman who’d soon become one if he’s her first one. Yeah, and this is coming from a company that makes toys for children. That’s pretty twisted.

28. Seems like the couple packing heat together stays together. Then again, it’s possible that they’d probably die together, too in some domestic dispute that would go out of hand.

That groom better get off his cell phone now since I don’t like the look on the bride’s face. Seriously, all guns do is make these blushing newlyweds look like homicidal maniacs. Just saying.

29. For the guy from Baltimore getting married, this Baltimore Ravens cake topper is for you.

I could imagine my Aunt Jane’s husband recommending this cake topper for one of his kids when any of them get married. Still, I’m sure those aren’t taxidermied ravens since I’m sure the real birds are bigger.

30. For a little bit of night life, top your wedding cake with a couple of bats.

Okay, now this might seem fine for Halloween. But for any other time of year, it’s just batty. I mean there’s a reason why we don’t associate weddings with bats.

31. For your winter wedding you can’t do worse than a Snow Queen cake topper.

Okay, now despite that Frozen was inspired by the Snow Queen story. The tale is about a magical ice queen who abducts a child and keeps him in her castle for a long time. Hardly a subject for a wedding cake topper.

32. Seems like he either did something wrong or she made love like a praying mantis.

Okay, now this headless groom topper would be great for a divorce cake. But a wedding cake, c’mon, it’s disturbing. Seriously, the bride looks like as if she’s a new black widow than a new wife.

33. The family who stays together plays video games together.

And it seems that the bride is beating the groom every time. Hmmm..maybe the woman he married wasn’t as bad in video games as he thought.

34. Marriage is tying your beloved to a chair and threatening to cutting them up with a chainsaw.

Okay, who in the hell would want a wedding cake topper like this? This is utterly like something you’d see from your worst nightmares. Not on a wedding cake.

35. In the Lovecraftian universe, a Cthulhu wedding cake topper guarantees that you don’t have to orchestrate total global annihilation alone.

Of course, Cthulhu and his bride are basically evil Eldritch Abominations who wish to destroy the earth in oblivion. Not something you’d want to put on a wedding cake. But, hey, don’t judge me.

36. Nothing makes a great wedding cake than having it topped by two figures from Halo.

I guess the bride is the pink one. How could I have thought of that pray tell. Still, wonder how they’ll manage when, “you may kiss the bride,” are heard.

37. Seems like these two aren’t having a good start.

Now this isn't a good way to start a marriage. Once again, seems more appropriate for a divorce cake.

Now this isn’t a good way to start a marriage. Appears that these two are so mad that they’re giving each other the silent treatment. Once again, seems more appropriate for a divorce cake.

38. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Batman and Robin.”

Of course, if you’re thinking about the 1960s series, Batman and Robin’s sexuality comes as no surprise. Still, I don’t classify Batman as relationship material, since he really needs to see a therapist.

39. The couple who stays together gets drunk together.

Actually alcoholics make terrible marriage partners, even to each other. Couples who drink together don’t really stay together unless they go to rehab to get sober together. Seriously, marrying an alcoholic will certainly increase your chances of divorce.

40. For the couple who enjoys the James Bond movies, this wedding cake topper is for you.

Seems more like Mr. and Mrs. Smith to me. And let’s just say, it seemed like a marriage between two assassins trying to kill each other. Thus, more like a match made in hell.

41. “No way to run princess, you’re coming with me.”

Seems like the guy is more anxious to get married than the bride is. Then again, the bride probably wants to frolic in the open countryside and smell the flowers.

42. When getting a girl, try to lure her with something shiny and she’ll fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

I’m sure she’ll probably be in it for the jewelry. Of course, she’s not picky about the diamond size. But that doesn’t prevent her from being suspected as a gold digger.

43. “Can’t talk, honey, I’m running late for my golf game.”

Then again, at least I can be confident isn’t built like a gorgeous Swedish model and the groom doesn’t look anything like Tiger Woods. Still, I’m sure things between them are fine.

44. Here comes the bride….oh, wait, she’s still shopping.

Hope she makes it back in time to get married. I’d hate to see her keeping her groom hanging like that. Seriously, no woman in her right mind would want to shop on her wedding day.

45. It’s the bride at the bat with her groom pitching toward home plate.

Seems like the groom is in very close proximity. Hope the bride doesn’t hit a fast ball. I’m sure it wouldn’t look good for the groom.

46. Nothing makes a wedding cake better than a topper of the bride and groom on cell phones barely paying any attention to one another.

I’m not sure if these two are supposed to be talking to each other. However, it certainly doesn’t look like it. Seriously, unless one of you has a relative in the hospital, cell phones should be off at all times during weddings.

47. For horse lovers, nothing makes a better wedding cake topper than one of horses entwined together.

Now it’s one thing to have horses on your wedding cake, especially if you’re both horse lovers. But entwined horses, that’s just pushing the envelope into tacky if you ask me.

48. “Remember, Barry, chapel first, hunting lodge later.”

And it seems like the bride has the shotgun in hand to make sure her groom complies. Seriously, this is kind of crazy. Then again, the sign did state, “No Hunting.”

49. Seems like these two are nuzzling up like a couple of earthworms.

Earthworms on a wedding cake topper? Seriously? I mean they’re slimy ground dwelling creatures for God’s sake. There’s nothing cute about them whatsoever.

50. “May you two be mounted together in the sacred bond of holy matrimony.”

Now having mounted deer on a wedding cake. That’s just, well, tacky to say the least. Still, these two seemed to be together whether they like it or not. Nevertheless, the antler rings are in poor taste.

51. This NASCAR wedding cake topper will ensure your way to the finish line.

Of course, this would’ve been a perfectly nice wedding cake topper if it didn’t have the checkered flags on it. Yeah, that just looks tacky to say the least. Perhaps they should cover the bride and groom with corporate sponsor logos, too.

52. Nothing makes a wedding cake better than a topper consisting of pigs with wings.

I’ll highly recommend this topper to any couple about to get married….when pigs fly. Seriously, this almost make tacky flamingo lawn ornaments look like the Venus de Milo.

53. Nothing says true love like a wedding cake topper of two disembodied hands joined together as one.

Now unlike some of the creepier cake toppers, this one is supposed to elicit heartwarming feelings. However, it’s just plain creepy and terrifying.

54. For the die hard motorcycle fans, this wedding cake topper is one you can’t miss.

Now a motorcycle wedding cake topper is one thing. But one in a field of lace? Now that’s in poor taste. Just because lace is pretty and Harleys seem badass, doesn’t mean that the two should go together.

55. Nothing makes a circus themed wedding more festive than wedding cake toppers like these clowns.

Now I’m not sure why anyone would want a circus themed wedding. Still, this clown couple is pretty much the epitome of tacky. You’re better off with a topper of Cirque du Soleil.

56. Nothing says “I love you” like a cute deer who’s about to get himself shot on your wedding cake.

Like how the groom is dressed up like Davy Crockett in a suit. Yeah, really seems like he’s going to bring home a buck. Hope it has 3 or more points or else it ain’t legal to shoot.

57. As the old saying, marriage is the old ball and chain.

Seems like this bride is going to have her groom locked to the ball for awhile. And he doesn’t seem to be too happy about it. Now I know this is from an old saying. But still, there are plenty of men around who want to get married.

58. Newlyweds are supposed to be happy as a couple of pigs in the lilacs.

Now this would make a perfectly good wedding cake topper, if it weren’t for the pigs in it. Seriously, why put pigs on a wedding cake? They’re not cuddly creatures.

59. “I’ll get you to the altar, even if I have to drag you myself with my bare hands.

Okay, this sort of looks like in a movie when the bad guy captures the princess as he drags her into his lair with a creepy smile. Yeah, not a good scenario here.

60. For those who think the zombie and skeleton wedding cake toppers weren’t creepy enough, this one is for you.

Now this is downright terrifying. Can’t imagine what kind of couple having this on their wedding cake would actually look like. Then again, maybe I could and just don’t want to imagine it.

61. “I now pronounce you Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman.”

Now while we can agree sasquatches and yetis tend to look similar, I’m not sure if they’d be able to get together. I mean one’s in the Pacific Northwest while the other’s in the Himalayas. So it’s all a matter of geography.

62. Seems like someone really likes to shop at the best retailers. I wonder who.

Now I hope she’s not just marrying the poor guy for the money here. Because all that merchandise she has with her doesn’t look cheap to me.

63. May you love, honor, cherish, and stand your ground.

Just when you think you’ve seen enough wedding cake toppers with guns on them, they come out with another one. Now I get that a lot of people like guns but still hate to put my politics in this, but guns kill people. It’s their purpose. And you wonder why we can’t get gun control.

64. Seems like it’s all downhill from here.

I’m not sure skiing down from a multi-tiered wedding cake is going to be good for these figurines. Perhaps this couple is going on a ski resort for their honeymoon.

65. “I now pronounce you Optimus Prime and Megantron.”

Hmmm….didn’t know they had a pink Transformer. Then again, robots don’t have gender anyway. Still, a few explosions and it would be like the live action Michael Bay series that keeps making money despite not having plot.

66. “You may spank the bride.”

This could easily be a wedding cake topper of a tuxedoed guy and a stripper, not to be stereotypical. The bridal outfit could just be a costume.

67. When it comes to marriage, a lot of times it’s just give or take.

Unfortunately, this guy seems to treat his gold digging bride as if she was a stripper at some nightclub in Las Vegas. Seriously, this is a terrible piece for a wedding cake? What kind of couple would want this?

68. Of course, since a lot of people like bacon, it’s only fitting that I show a bacon wedding cake topper.

Of course, having bacon topped on your wedding cake really emphasizes the “till death do we part” construct. And by, “death” I mean cardiovascular disease.

69. When it comes to weddings, some couples can’t keep their hands off each other.

Seems like this couple were among those who saved sex until marriage and they just want to get it on the first chance they get. Save it for the honeymoon, kids.

70. Seems like this groom is running the ball with the wife on his back.

I’m sure running the ball with a bride on your back is hard, especially with a bunch of guys from the other team going after you. Then again, maybe that’s why the bride is on his back. True teamwork spirit, man.

71. For a western wedding theme, go with a wedding cake topper of horses.

I don’t know about you, but the top part seems to be made from cheap plastic crap from China. I think it would’ve been fine with just the flowers. Seriously, why?

72. For many, marriage means being happily handcuffed together for life.

Seems to me that the bride is an undercover cop as I see with the hidden gun in the holster. And the groom is the crook. Either way, this wedding cake topper looks very sleazy to say the least.

73. No wedding cake topper emphasizes your love for the great outdoors than one depicting a couple of moose.

At least the female of the pair is depicted right in this topper. Not like in the nativity scene set in which every adult figure has antlers, including the Virgin Mary. Yeah.

74. Sick of figurines, how about top your wedding cake off with a sparkly crown?

Seriously, a crown for a wedding cake? For God’s sake shouldn’t the bride be a princess for the day? Also, why does this even exist?

75. Understand that relationships are all about faith and trust, which you two will definitely need when fighting off the zombie apocalypse.

I’m sure your wedding sucked if you spent the reception basically killing off zombie wedding guests. I mean weddings are supposed to be happy occasions. A zombie plague at the reception isn’t.

76. Sorry, buddy, but you will be hers and she will make you one of them.

Of course, there’s a popular notion that certain men don’t want to get married. However, I think when it comes to zombie brides, this guy seems to have a valid excuse. Seriously, nobody wants to be eaten or catch zombie plague.

77. Seems like these two got themselves a bridegroom.

Of course, if the bride wasn’t so anxious to get to the altar, who knows what would’ve happened to him. Because I’d sure wouldn’t want to leave him alone with the bipedal buck packing heat.

78. Seems like she’s the one wearing the pants in the relationship, literally.

Now I’m sure the groom is quite embarrassed to be seen without his trousers. Still, this is in pretty poor taste if you think about it.

79. Now this bride has managed to catch a fish and her man.

I’m sure the big one didn’t get away this time, but I’m not sure which one it is. Still, not sure if it makes a great wedding cake topper.

80. “Get your drunken ass off the floor for we’re going to the chapel.

Now if one of you is found drinking with beer cans on the day of your wedding, I think you should really reconsider going through with it. Seriously, alcoholics make terrible spouses and calling it off may be a waste of money now but it will save you a lot of potential divorce costs in the long run.

Get in the Fiesta Spirit with These Treats of Cinco de Mayo

Posted by historymaniacmegan on April 30, 2015

Now as a Caucasian American in Pennsylvania, I don’t celebrate Cinco de Mayo (though I did take Spanish in high school and college). But since most Hispanic Americans are Mexican and we have a lot of Hispanics in this country, I can’t really avoid doing a treat post on it. Contrary to popular belief, Cinco de Mayo is not the Mexican equivalent to the 4th of July. Rather it’s more like Mexican Saint Patrick’s Day, which is celebrated by Mexican Americans as a day of pride for their ethnic heritage. But instead of pertaining to religious connotations, Cinco de Mayo commemorates the anniversary of a famous Mexican battle in which their forces defeated the French on May 5, 1862. Of course, it didn’t stop the French from taking over Mexico and installing an Austrian prince as a puppet ruler under the title, “Emperor of Mexico.” But the Mexicans later fight back to regain their independence, have the Mexican puppet emperor killed, which would later drive his wife crazy (and being a sister of Belgium’s King Leopold II certainly didn’t help). Nevertheless, many people in the American Southwest who aren’t Mexican tend to celebrate this holiday as an excuse to party and to go wasting away again in Margaritaville. Still, it tends to be celebrated in places like Canada, the Caribbean, Australia, New Zealand, the UK, France, and Japan. Again, don’t ask me why. So for your Cinco de Mayo party, here are some ideas for treats for your reading pleasure.

1. No Cinco de Mayo fiesta is complete without pinata cookies with M&Ms in store.

Of course, how they keep the M&Ms in there without melting, I don’t know. Then again, some must have. Still, you have to break them open.

2. Nothing celebrates one’s Mexican heritage more than a Rice Krispie treat of the Mexican flag.

Of course, I can’t do a post on treats for occasions without having a few made from Rice Krispies. They’re just pretty unavoidable.

3. Top off your Cinco de Mayo festivities with the ultimate smash pinata cake.

Of course, you wouldn’t be able to get away with these kinds of cakes during the Cinco de Mayo festivities at the penitentiary. Especially if the authorities will suspect that something’s in them.

4. Since you’ll probably have tacos during the Cinco de Mayo fiesta, may I suggest these would make a perfect dessert.

Now these are taco cookies, which most likely contain peanut butter, icing, and sprinkles. Well, as far as I can see. Still, at one angle, it’s easy to mistake them for the real thing.

5. You couldn’t ask for a better Cinco de Mayo treat than pretzel candies of Saguaro Cacti.

Unlike real cacti, these candies won’t make you bleed when you touch them. But they won’t help you survive if you’re stuck in the desert.

6. Nothing shows off Mexican pride more than a sandwich of the Mexican flag.

Well, it had stuff sticking out of it so I guess it’s a sandwich. Also, it’s on a plate. Nevertheless, it’s covered with guacamole, cream cheese, refried beans, and salsa.

7. Por los ninos, you can’t go wrong with these Mexican sombrero guys cake pops.

Of course, don’t use them to imitate the banditos from Treasure of the Sierra Madre, especially in front of your Mexican friends. Then again, when it gets to that point, you’d probably been drinking too many Margaritas anyway.

8. To go with the Mexican flag Rice Krispie treats, a Rice Krispie sombrero will do.

As if you can’t come up with more ideas for Rice Krispies, there comes a sombrero made of these. It’s like Rice Krispies are the cooking medium for the repressed art majors.

9. Nothing makes a Cinco de Mayo fiesta than topping it off with a sombrero cake.

Now this is an intricate cake probably made at a bakery. But it’ll do nicely. Still, I wonder if they use the same shape for a Pilgrim hat around Thanksgiving.

10. Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with these Frida Kahlo cake pops.

Yes, she had a mustache. But compared to her husband Diego Rivera, she looked like a supermodel. And she was his 3rd wife. But the story of this couple is another matter altogether.

11. Nothing celebrates Mexican heritage than a cake containing everything we associate Mexico with.

Then again, everything on this cake you can associate with the American Southwest. Except that you take the sombrero and serape and replace it with cowboy stuff. Then again, you don’t see a Margarita glass.

12. To go with your Cinco de Mayo cakes, here are some Cinco de Mayo cookies.

Now these cookies are of May 5th, pinatas, Mesoamerican temple art, cacti, maracas, chili peppers, limes, Our Lady of Guadelupe, and Corona. And I identified all that without consulting Wikipedia.

13. For your sombrero cake, these sombrero cupcakes will go well perfectly.

Either these are sombreros or they are the kind of Mexicanized version of the hat you’d see the one guy wear in Curious George. But at least they’re chocolate as far as I’m concerned.

14. Bring some spice into your life this Cinco de Mayo with these nacho bowl cupcakes.

Now they almost resemble the real thing until you get a closer look. The nachos are cookies while the cheese is icing, the salsa is jelly, and jalapenos are candy.

15. I’m sure the little ninos in your life will love these Cinco de Mayo kitties in sombreros.

Yes, they may be made from cookies, candy, and marshmallows. But even I have to admit that they’re so adorable.

16. Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with a Mexican flag dip tray, as far as I know.

Well, this consists of guacamole, sour cream, and tomato. Probably should’ve went with salsa but hey, I didn’t come up with the recipe.

17. To give your Cinco de Mayo fiesta an extra spike, go with this cactus cake.

Unlike real cacti, this won’t actually hurt anyone nor will it keep you from dying of dehydration. But it does have a pretty flower.

18. To dance the night away, you can’t go wrong with these edible maracas.

Unfortunately, they’re filled with Nerd candies which don’t taste very good. May I suggest M&Ms instead?

19. For your hungry ninos, these sombrero candies make great party favors.

Now this is topped with gum drops. But I’m not sure about what kind of sheet you’d need for the brim part though. Still, pretty cute if I do say so myself.

20. So if you’re having tacos for dinner on Cinco de Mayo, why not have them for dessert, too?

Now these consists of a chocolate covered waffle cone taco shell with ice cream, chocolate syrup, and M&Ms. All in all, this is a a taco sundae all smothered in chocolate. Yum!

21. I’m sure your little ninos will have fun with these chili pepper treats on a stick.

Now these are adorable, especially the one with the little sombrero. Still, I’m sure they aren’t made of peppers though. But I like them anyway.

22. Don’t like Margaritas, then fill Margarita glasses with candy and cupcakes.

Now that I think about it, I kind of like these Margaritas better than the real thing. Of course, I’d fill them with peanut M&Ms though.

23. Seems like your little muchachos will love these Mexican man cookie sandwiches on sticks.

Of course, remind them that they can’t use these to act out derogatory Mexican stereotypes as one may see from Treasure of the Sierra Madre. That, or the Frito Bandito.

24. For your nino’s Cinco de Mayo dinner, you might want to go with this tortilla sandwich.

Now this has tortilla with fried rice, carrots, beans and sour cream. Nevertheless, it’s a better looking specimen than anything I would do in art class.

25. For a real fiesta, these sombrero cookies will work wonders for Cinco de Mayo.

Yes, these are cookies. And yes, the mound is covered in layers of multicolored icing. Still, they’re a sight to behold. Bet they taste delicious.

26. Go for a cold one this Cinco de Mayo with these Mexican flag popsicles.

Of course, if you have some left over, you can always save them for celebrating one’s Italian heritage by passing off as Italian flag popsicles. Works much easier that way.

27. These cacti cupcakes will have your fiesta guests prickly for more.

Sure they may seem spikey but they won’t hurt you except when it comes to possibly putting you at risk for diabetes. Nevertheless, at least they’re chocolate.

28. Make your Cinco de Mayo fiesta complete with this Mexican flag veggie tray.

Now these consist of pea pods, red peppers, cheese sticks, and cherry tomatoes. So it’s not quite like a veggie tray but close.

29. Bring the fiesta spirit to your Cinco de Mayo party with these Margarita cake pops.

Let’s hope they have a chocolate filling and aren’t too salty. Then again, I could be wrong here. But I wonder if they’re for people under 21.

30. I’m sure these Mexican flag jalapeno peppers will make your Cinco de Mayo fiesta a certified hit.

Well, they may be covered in icing and sugar. But at least they have some nutritional value compared to other treats on this post.

31. Nothing makes your Cinco de Mayo fiesta memorable than these cupcakes of all things Mexico.

These consist of sombreros, serape,s and the Mexican flag. But they all seem intricately decorated with layers of icing.

32. These beautiful fiesta dress cupcakes will make your fiesta a sight to behold.

Not sure about the pattern for these dresses. But they're nevertheless so beautiful that you'd wonder whether to eat them.

Not sure about the pattern for these dresses. But they’re nevertheless so beautiful that you’d wonder whether it would be right to eat them.

33. Of course, you can’t have a Cinco de Mayo fiesta without these Mexican sun cookies.

Now these seem to be well above my artistic talents. Yet, the are nevertheless beautiful. They also have, “ole” written in a way that resembles a face.

34. Your Cinco de Mayo fiesta won’t get into the true spirit of Mexico unless it has a cake like its flag.

Now I’m sure you can’t eat the decal of the eagle with the snake. Yet, it very much gets into the Mexican spirit indeed.

35. If you can have tacos during meals, why not on cupcakes?

Now these are made from cookies, candies, and icing to put them together. But the cupcakes themselves are vanilla.

36. If you can eat tacos for dinner and lunch, you can have them for breakfast.

Now these are fruit tacos that contain almost any fruit you can think of. But they probably have more nutritional value than anything you’d find at Taco Bell.

37. Seems like these taco cookies can’t wait to be eaten.

Yes, they are smiling. Yes, they are taco cookies. And yes, they are adorable. Need I say more.

38. I’m sure these pinata cookies are just waiting to be broken. But good luck with getting candy out of them.

Now these are simply adorable that even their noses are smiley faces. Of course, it’s kind of weird but what the hell.

39. M&Ms are certainly great when it comes to decorating maraca cookies.

And I hope they have M&Ms inside them, too. Or I will be very angry if I don’t see them after breaking one open.

40. You heard about Margaritas. Now here’s some Margarita cupcakes.

Sure they may be bigger than regular cupcakes since you put them in Margarita glasses. Yet, the fact these aren’t chocolate is kind of disappointing to say the least.

41. Now these cupcakes are supposed to be of nachos in guacamole.

I’m sure the guacamole is made from green icing and sprinkles. And the pot is made from chocolate cake. But these look delicious.

42. On Cinco de Mayo, some cookies may be of basic Mexican concepts. Others can be quite intricate to say the least.

Now these are certainly beyond my level of artistry which is pretty low to begin with. Nevertheless, they are incredibly beautiful and probably decorated by repressed art majors.

43. Celebrate your Cinco de Mayo with these pinata cupcakes.

Now these may be covered with icing and not have anything in them. But they’re adorable. And they’re chocolate, too.

44. Nothing says Cinco de Mayo than these meringue cacti cookies.

Yes, these are saguaro cacti with flowers on them. But they won’t make you bleed when you touch them or rehydrate you in the desert.

45. Get in the Mexican spirit of Cinco de Mayo with these pinata jello shots.

Of course, a word of caution here. Just because they’re jello and in bright colors, doesn’t mean they’re for kids. In fact, they may contain alcohol, which means they aren’t suitable for anyone under 21.

46. Who says you need ice cream to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with cones?

Now these are cupcakes that contain yellow cake with rice cakes and ice cream cones. But they’re nevertheless cute by any means.

47. Make your Cinco de Mayo memorable with this cactus Rice Krispie treat on a stick.

It may not be as much help to you in the desert. But it’s so cute by any means. Also, I love its little sombrero hat.

48. Have your little ninos wake up this Cinco de Mayo to this pancake maracas hombre in his sombrero.

Most of this consists of pancakes and bacon, especially his bacon mustache. But it’s still quite adorable.

49. Taco cupcakes? How about taco cookies?

For once, I’d almost mistake these for the real thing due to how they photographed this. But these would go great with topping any cupcakes since they consist of cookie, sprinkles, and icing.

50. For those who don’t like taco cookies, try some tostada cookies instead.

As far as I know, the main difference between a tostada and a taco is that you eat one of them with a fork. Still, quite impressive if I do say so myself.

Congratulations on Your Graduation Cake!

Posted by historymaniacmegan on April 23, 2015

While prom is a season many high schoolers look forward to in the spring, afterwards May and June are graduation season. It is a time when high school and college seniors among others gather around to finish their education with a ceremonious commencement ceremony in their cap and gowns before they embark on a hellish world of the job market and adulthood (save for those about to embark college). Sure you may have to say goodbye to friends, many of which you’ll never see again, but I’m sure your degree will guarantee you independence as well as an incentive to pay your student loans, right? Now we all know how graduation ceremonies are marked with speakers, “Pomp and Circumstance,” speeches, and all that. Of course, in families with a new graduate, this rite of passage is marked by a celebration with a cake, if you live in America. Now I can go on and on about nice graduation cakes, but many of you will think it boring. So instead I’ll give you cakes possibly decorated by someone who flunked out of cake decorating school. Yes, you’d wonder about the education these makers received to decorate cakes like this. So without further adieu, here are a collection of graduation confections gone catastrophic.

1. I bet Ashley from 2009 was either a chemistry or biology major. Congrads!

I hope she enjoys her cake with urine/beer on it. Either way, someone is going to get pissed. Also, I really don’t want to know what’s in the test tube.

2. Congratulations, Ryan, for stopping on being a disappointment. Now was it that hard?

I have to wonder what kind of relationship Ryan has with his parents. Of course, his folks will probably be disappointed in him once more when he fails to get a job other than as a waiter at Red Lobster.

3. Congratulations on your MBA, Desiree, from the guy on the Dummies books.

Well, I’m sure these Dummies books aren’t that bad. However, I’m not sure if I want to have a graduation cake of one. Might have unfortunate implications.

4. Congratulations, on completing your nursing degree, Nicole. Stick it to ’em, girl!

Of course, when it comes to sticking thermometers in rear ends, this is pretty mild in comparison. Still, I wonder what kind of cakes they had for her brothers, an ob/gyn and a urologist respectively.

Of course, when it comes to sticking thermometers in rear ends, this is pretty mild in comparison to what real nurses have to deal with in the hospital. Still, I wonder what my nursing school cousin would think about this.

5. Congratulations, Tiffany, Class of 2009. Here’s an ipod cake with an Eminem album.

Now while I have no problem with Eminem, this album really makes this graduation cake rather depressing. It’s as if Tiffany’s future is going to be rather bleak and depressing.

6. “The tossel was worn with the hostle!” What?

While Abby may be a graduate, the cake decorator’s strong suit certainly wasn’t in spelling, reading, or English. Seriously, this is bound to give English teachers nightmares.

7. Congratulations, valid Victorian!

From Cake Wrecks: “Prithee, lord Westerbunkle, wouldst thou care for a celebratory spot of Earl Grey?” Yeah, this is the kind of graduation cake for someone who loves Steampunk.

8. When it comes to putting initials on graduation cakes, you might want to wonder if they have any unfortunate context.

When I see KKK, I think about white supremacy, racism, lynching, scary white robes, Birth of a Nation, cross burnings, and racially motivated terrorism. Not, “Good Luck!,” “Live, Laugh, and Love,” “Dream Big,” and “We are so Proud!” Seriously, why?

9. Congratulations on your graduation, here is your cap and…..diploma. Wait a minute, is that a severed finger?

Seriously, the diploma looks as like a severed finger with a ribbon tied on it. Apparently, someone is very bad at drawing a scroll or forgot to put a swirl on the top just so it doesn’t horrify us.

10. Congratulations, but just the fax, ma’am.

Interesting how some decorators tend to inscribe their cakes with everything they seem to hear on the phone. Seriously, I wonder what the graduate would think seeing this on a cake for their party.

11. Congratulations, class of 2012, hope some ass doesn’t try to piss you off.

From Cake Wrecks: “In 2012 bakers broadened their horizons by combining the fine art of Dali-esque surrealism with a post-modern monochromatic aesthetic: I call it, “Tar Donkey Butt-Peeing.”” Seriously, it really does look like that.

12. Hats off, class of 2009!

I didn’t know that grad caps came with ear flaps. Since I didn’t have grad caps that came with those back in 2008 or 2012. Must be a Canadian thing.

13. Congratulations, Olivia. Hope you passed with flying colors.

I sure don’t want to know what this unicorn passed with flying colors. Looks like the rainbow is coming out of its rear end, which makes a rather disgusting connection between rainbows and unicorns.

14. Congratulations, Chris, have a Crown Royal!

Just make sure you’re not posting any drunk photos on Facebook. Because employers do check your social network pages. And posting wasted pictures can deny you a job.

15. Congratulations, and let’s hope the zombie apocalypse isn’t coming any time soon.

Yeah, your brain is worth $30,000. Your college education would be a waste if zombies ate you or went after you for your brains.

16. Congratulations, from the Cthulhu School of Necronomic Evil, Oblivion, and World Domination.

Yeah, I’m sure little children won’t get the reference on this cake. Still, not sure if it’s appropriate for graduation.

17. Congratulations, have a cold one.

Now I have to admire how they used Bud Light beer cans and ice for this cake as a cooler. Still, let’s hope it’s for college graduation, please.

18. Congratulations on your graduation, Mr. Jason Tibbles!

Sure this is a graduation cake with LOLcats, but still, it’s quite funny having a cat picture on a graduation cake. Nevertheless, I hope Mr. Tibbles didn’t overdo on the catnip with his Alpha Theta Meow fraternity brothers.

19. Congratulations, Christina in the banner. Wait, what?

I’m sure this is another cake decorator who takes things too literally. Also, probably sucked at reading comprehension, listening, and following directions.

20. Congratulations, class of 2009 from frog licking traffic sign.

Yes, it's supposed to be a graduation cap. But it looks like a sign you'd see on the Interstate during roadwork season after school is out. At least if you live in Pennsylvania.

Yes, it’s supposed to be a graduation cap. But it looks like a sign you’d see on the Interstate during roadwork season followed by a group of guys from PennDOT. At least if you live in Pennsylvania.

21. In higher education, time loses all meaning.

Either that, or having a cake with word salad this bad probably means that the decorator at Wal Mart should be fired.

22. Congratulations, Crystal. By the way, use protection. Just an FYI.

Yeah, the tassel looks like a piece of litter, I’d see at the cemetery where I live. Assuming that some people think cemeteries are great spots Sunday afternoon tryst.

23. Class of 2007, rocks! Fireworks explosion.

Apparently, this decorator either couldn’t draw fireworks with icing, or just took the directions too literally. Thus, adding lameness to a cake that could’ve been awesome.

24. Congratulations, Torianne on your graduation. Great Gatsby!

Seriously, I’m not sure The Great Gatsby is the kind of book you put on a graduation cake. Seriously, it’s a book about a guy who changes his whole identity and gets rich through bootlegging so he could win the heart of his ex-girlfriend who’s already married with a kid. Also, decorator failed to follow directions.

25. Class of 2008: I want sprinkles!

Yeah, seems like another decorator flunked reading comprehension, listening, and following directions. I think this person wanted sprinkles on a cake, not the words, “I want sprinkles!”

26. Congratulations, on graduating medical school! Well, job done, Dr. Huskins!

Seems like this cake decorator has no understanding of English or that Yoda took a side job as a commercial cake decorator at Wal Mart.

27. Happy graduation day, from the evil blonde girl in the cap and gown.

Of course, she probably has a job lined up for her at her dad’s company, no doubt. Still, this girl seems like she’s hiding something sinister under her robes.

28. Congrats, John ’08. Oh, no, that ain’t right.

Seems like the graduate is doing a really terrible thing to the school mascot. Now if I had cake like this at my grad party, let’s say it wouldn’t go well with my relatives with young children.

29. Finally! Congratulations, Becky! Kick Ass!

Seriously, you’d think Becky’s parents would have a less creepy photo of her from her childhood. Guess I was wrong. I mean this little girl in make up seems absolutely terrifying to me.

30. Congratulations! Wait, that’s supposed to be a cap, right?

To me, they resemble 2 overlapping boxes with a string on the top one. Guess this decorator seemed to fail art class in school.

31. Congratulations on your graduation from mortuary school, Jenny.

Sure a hearse cake might be appropriate for someone who graduated from a mortuary school and plans on being a funeral director. But it’s still kind of disturbing.

32. Congratulations, from the pointed pencil.

For how yellow this pencil is, you'd almost mistake it for a banana. And you know what that means.

For how yellow this pencil is, you’d almost mistake it for a banana. Still, if it weren’t for the point, I would’ve mistook it for something else and let’s leave it at that.

33. Congratulations, Holly and Hannah from 2 cherries projectile vomiting on a picnic table.

Now that certainly doesn’t look like a graduation cap to me. Besides, I need an old cherry pitter and a young cherry pitter, please.

34. Congratulations, graduate and don’t forget your hood.

Either this person got graduation cap and hood mixed up or is a Star Wars fan. Well, I’m sure Galactic Senate guards have graduation ceremonies, too.

35. Here’s to you Class of 2009, and we hope you’ll meet your death as blood spattered innocents.

Man, melted icing sure can create gory effects, even when it’s not needed. Seriously, that looks like blood and more suited for Halloween than graduation.

36. For those grads wanting to put a stamp of their religious views, you might not want a cake from this bakery.

Communion on your knees, seriously? That doesn’t look good. Why can’t the communion cake figures have the parishioner standing, for God’s sake? I mean it would be way less creepier.

37. For those compelled to have a photo of their grad on a cake, either go wit the “boring” or the “greened silhouette” option.

This is also a great option for grads in the Witness Protection Program like mafia princesses, for instance. That or reformed gang bangers who’ve recently moved to another state.

38. For those who want to send their grad a heartfelt message, this is for you.

What the fuck would anyone buy a graduation cake like this? It looks like a stripper’s backside for God’s sake! Seriously, do these parents have any idea how inappropriate a cake like this is for graduation? I mean, why?

39. When it comes to sending a picture for your graduation cake, remember that some people are less tech savvy than others.

I’m sure this person seemed to put a photo of the whole file as if it came from a Wikipedia entry. Definitely not computer savvy at all. Decorator should be fired.

40. Congratulations, Class of 2009 of Whoville University.

Seriously, the diploma scroll looks like a Dr. Seuss hat and the confetti squiggles are incomprehensible. Seriously, that doesn’t look like a scroll at all.

41. Don’t screw up, Julianne!

Of course, this great advice but is it really appropriate for a graduation cake? Seriously, either Julianne really doesn’t care about her future or she’s working on Wall Street.

42. Congratulations, Laura, wait is that a cat on her head?

I think this one made the news. I think the family wanted a cap on this girl’s head for her graduation cake. Guess there was some misunderstanding with the order.

43. Congratulations, Andrea. By the way, you’re going to die.

Sure some girls might major in medicine or have a thing with the macabre. But that doesn’t mean you should put a skeleton on a graduation cake. I mean, that’s just messed up.

44. Congratulations, graduating to the Dark Side of the Force.

Now this just has to be one of the worst renditions of Darth Vader I’ve ever seen. Besides, the cap is way too small for him.

45. For those who thought the baby carrots shower cake was creepy, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Yes, here’s a graduation cake of naked babies on carrots. But this time they have caps and diplomas. Talk about creepy if you know what I mean. Yes, this is the stuff of nightmares.

46. Congratulations, from the green I-Beam thingy.

This is: A. a green dog bone or chew toy, B. a green Corinthian column, C. a dumbell, or D. All of the above. Then again, I don’t want to know.

47. Congratulations, graduate, from the Doric column or the golden tornado.

Sure it’s for people who like things a little twisted. But I’m don’t want to run into something like that in Kansas. Yeah, that thing should just get the hell off my lawn!

48. Congratulations, by the way, flattened turtle says hello.

Now the shell seems a little flat but the turtle really doesn’t seem to mind. Of course, this kind of disturbs me for some reason.

49. Congratulations, Jason, all downloaded and ready for viewing.

I know this is supposed to be an equation and maybe done on purpose. But I’m not sure if the guy’s relatives would get it. Rather, many would complain of why don’t they just get a normal cake.

50. So remember, when it comes to cake roses, black may not be it.

Sorry, but the black roses on this cake look like shit. And by “shit” I don’t mean bad. I mean the roses actually look like shit. Oh, and one of the letters is wrong.

The Wonderful World of Peep Shows (No, Not That Kind) (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 7, 2015

Last year in March, I did a post on peep dioramas since it’s the Easter season and that I think those inedible marshmallow and sugar confections were better enjoyed that way. Since last year, I’ve had 567 views on that post as well as 19 Facebook shares. Now these are rather moderate numbers compared to some of my other posts, holidays or otherwise. But since I enjoyed doing this post so much and think peep dioramas are awesome, I decided to do another edition. I mean as long as they keep making sugary marshmallow products unfit for human consumption we might as well have some fun with them, especially since not all of us are repressed art students who like making dioramas in their spare time. Besides, I need to a break between all this Easter kitsch stuff. So without further adieu, here are some more marshmallow peep dioramas for your Easter sensibilities.

1. Join NBC’s Chris Hansen on this weeks exclusive episode of Dateline: To Catch a Peep-A-Tor.

Looks like the brown hairy rabbit caught on tape was caught on tape corrupting a minor. Yep, and I see a bottle of Jack Daniels and some beer cans, too.

2. Those growing up in the 1980s may remember Peep-Wee’s Playhouse with Peep Weep Herman himself.

Of course, what happened to Pee Wee Herman’s career servers a valuable lesson to children: never masturbate in a movie theater, even if it’s and adult cinema showing a porno.

3. For those who missed it, here’s a peep diorama of Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kanye West from a very special episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Actually, I really don’t give a shit about the Kardashians and really don’t think they bear any lasting significance in American culture. Yet, this peep diorama is very well done.

4. Come on down to The Price Is Right with your host, Bob Bunny.

Looks like the prizes here are a trip to Rio de Janiero and a brand new car. Also, Bob Bunny here reminding you to control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

5. Moses presents himself to Pharaoh to, “Let my peeple go!”

Hate to be the Hebpeep slaves under the hot Ancient Egyptian sun all day, probably with nothing on.

6. “I’m a single bunny/I’m a single bunny.”

Never has Beyonce's most iconic music video has been so adorable. No wonder Kanye West thinks she awesome, which says something since he's an egotistical prig.

Never has Beyonce’s most iconic music video has been so adorable. No wonder Kanye West thinks she’s awesome, which says something since he’s an egotistical prig.

7. Nothing brought peeps together during the 1970s like the roller derby scene.

But like disco, it fell out of favor after being a major fad. Yet, having roller derby fall into obscurity is a good thing since it’s a rather violent sport.

8. Relive the chest bursting magic of Alien with this peep diorama.

Now I just can't wait for Ellen Ripeep to destroy it at the end. But, yes, when you see the something bursting out of a guy's chest, it's a take off from this movie.

Now I just can’t wait for Ellen Ripeep to destroy it at the end. But, yes, when you see something bursting out of a guy’s chest, it’s a take off from this movie.

9. Looks like this is a job for Marvel’s the Avengpeeps.

Join your favorite Marvel Avengepeeps in this explosive, action packed adventure. There’s The Incredipeep Hulk, Iron Peep, the Mightpeep Thor, Hawkpeep, Black Widpeep, and Captain Americpeep.

10. Vincent Van Peep paints another self-portrait.

Of course, this is after he cut off his ear as we can tell by the bandage on his face.

11. Seems like the native peeps are restless on their island.

And it seems like they’re offering some helpless white damsel peep as a sacrifice to their giant bunny peep god. Yeah, where is our great white hero now?

12. Of course, no peep competition can be complete without Grant Wood’s American Gothpeep.

Nevertheless, they do a lot renditions of this iconic American painting all the time that it’s a national treasure.

13. If you like Japanese food, feast your eyes on some marshmallow peep sushi.

Of course, only the soy sauce in this diorama is fit for human consumption. Everything else, not so much.

14. Watch these two Swedish peeps try to assemble some IKEA furniture.

Well, assembling the chair was a piece of cake. The end table, not so much.

15. I show you this diorama to remind you of the dire need to stop the illegal wildpeep trade.

God, I’d hate to see what all those chicks and bunnies went through. So sad.

16. Step into Alice’s adventures in Wonderland with this peep diorama you’d remember.

Well, at least this one is considerably less traumatizing and drug inducing than the Disney version, which was rather trippy to say the least.

17. “Tonight, one of you peeps will betray me.”

Of course, you can easily identify Judas in this. Just look at the eyes on each of the apostles.

17. May I present to you, the hit movie Life of Peep.

I like how on this Life of Pi diorama, the raft is an actual pie.

19. New Jersey Governor Chris Chrispeep closes the George Washingpeep Bridge during rush hour.

Of course, this won’t help Chris Chrispeep at all during the GOP presidential primary, which is America’s equivalent of the Upper Class Twit of the Year Competition. Trust me, it’s easy to see why I vote Democrat, besides being rather liberal on most social issues to begin with.

20. This peep diorama brings you into the Campbell’s Soup Factory.

Today’s product is Split Peep Soup which contains an inedible mix of marshmallow and sugar as well as Campbell’s signature ingredient: salt.

21. “You came in like a wrecking peep.”

Now I just couldn’t pass this one up since it’s an iconic scene Miley Cyrus will always be remembered for.

22. Experience American history with this peep diorama depicting the Lincoln assassination at Ford’s Theater on April 14, 1865.

Of course, this was when John Wilkes Booth jumped off the presidential balcony and onto the stage, which resulted in a broken leg.

23. Discover the magic of Wes Anderson with his 2012 movie Moonrise Peepdom.

Now after seeing this, I can't wait for a peep diorama depicting The Grand Budapest Hotel.

Now after seeing this, I can’t wait for a peep diorama depicting The Grand Bunnypest Hotel. Wes Anderson is such an underrated genius.

24. Experience the final moments of Harry Peeper and the Deathly Mallows as Harry goes up against Voldepeep during the climatic Battle of Hogwarts.

Now I had a Harry Potter peep diorama in the post from last year. But this was so well made that I couldn’t pass it up. And they even have Fred dead and Neville killing Nagini.

25. From Gettysburg 1863 to Washington 1963, Americans stand to say that all peeps are created equal in a land of the peeple, by the peeple, and for the peeple shall not perish on the earth.

Sure they may be a hundred years apart, but I think it’s a great tribute to American history. Well, better than what they have in Texas history textbooks anyway.

26. Indiana Peep is back with another thrilling adventure.

And it seems like he’s being chased by natives for possibly destroying an ancient temple filled with working machinery just to get a golden trinket that belongs in a museum.

27. Step into the world of Dr. Seuss with The Peepax.

Or that Dr. Seuss children’s book that shows kids how insatiable corporate greed can cause almost irreparable environmental harm if there are no measures for sustainability. Though the Oncler wins, his prosperity doesn’t last which leaves him in a polluted wasteland alone.

28. “We are gathered here today to bid farewell to the Hostess Twinkie.”

Then again, twinkies are still being made, but by a private company. Yet, this was done when Hostess went bankrupt. Still, pretty funny.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you March of the Peepguins.

Of course, we all know that penguins don’t live in igloos or use fishing rods. Those props were just for giggles.

30. Join these bunnies for a night at the opera with Richard Wagner’s Ring Cycle.

Of course, we all know that this opera was responsible for the fat lady with a horned helmet singing. Not to mention, it perpetuated the now inaccurate notion of Vikings wearing helmets during their raids.

31. Discover the joys of Impressionism with a peep diorama of Georges Seurat’s A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.

Sure you might not know the name of the painting, but you’ve probably seen it somewhere. Now this is a perfect rendition.

32. “I still have a dream, a dream deeply rooted in the American dream – one day this nation will rise up and live up to its creed, “We hold these truths to be self evident: that all peeps are created equal.” I have a dream…”

Never has history come to such life in a peep diorama as this one on the March on Washington.

Never has history come to such life in a peep diorama as this one on the 1963 March on Washington.

33. Could it be? Why, yes, it’s Mary Peepins.

Now this inedible sugar coated marshmallow bunny may say that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. But it also can lead to Type 2 diabetes.

34. Get an exclusive sneak peek of Season 3 of Peepton Abbey.

Of course, for those who haven’t seen the 3rd season, I think I might’ve spoiled the ending, especially on what happened to Matthew.

35. “Representing District 12 for the 74th annual Hunger Games are Peepa Mellark and Katniss Everbun. May the odds be in your favor.”

Sure I did The Hunger Games in last year’s peep post. But I think this one is quite good and captures the spirit of the books and movies. Love the Effie Trinket chick.

36. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

And it seems that all the chicks in the audience are just gaga over them on the Ed Sullivbun Show in 1964.

37. Relive the romance of Rose and Jack in James Cameron’s 1997 epic Peeptanic.

“I’m king of the world.” Yet, Jack never foresaw the iceberg that would doom the ship and his life.

38. Peep Francis greets onlookers at Saint Peeper’s Square in his peepmobile.

Now while I think the peepmobile is quite ingenious, I especially adore the Swiss guard uniforms here.

39. Of course, no US cross country trip would be complete without a visit to South Dakota’s Mount Peepmore National Memorial.

Yes, we can’t forget seeing the rock images of George Washingpeep, Thomas Jeffersbun, Peddy Roosevelt, and Peepraham Lincoln.

40. Now I couldn’t have a peep post without one featuring the minions from Despicable Meep.

This diorama probably features the sequel since there are purple ones on the premises. Still, they’re probably easy to make.

41. Take a stroll down memory lane with the famed Ninendo game Super Mario Bunnies.

Basically this is the game that says that taught us that mushrooms make us grow and that shiny flowers allow us to shoot fireballs.

42. “Fraa-jeel-aay! Huh! Must be Italian!”

Sure I know this is from A Christmas Story. But I couldn’t resist the scene when Ralphie’s dad uncovers the legendary leg lamp.

43. “All we are saying is give peeps a chance.”

Yes, but when it comes to sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, I’ll just go with the rock n’ roll but with a little sex in it.

44. “Come on down to South Peeps and meet some friends of mine.”

Still, I have to give this person credit that at least he didn’t kill Kenny in this diorama.

45. Relive the magic of the original Star Wars Trilogy with The Peep Strikes Back.

Kind of like how they have Han Solo depicted as a bunny peep frozen in a chocolate bar.

46. Uncover the ancient Roman gladiator games with this peep diorama of the Roman Colosseum.

Will Bunnius Peepsimus slay the lions or become lion lunch like the guy before him? Oh, I can barely contain the excitement.

47. For President Barack Obama’s 2012 inauguration, Peepyonce sings the National anthem.

Hey, at least this one didn’t feature Aretha Franklin and her hideous hat. But then again, compared to Aretha Franklin, Beyonce can’t hold a candle to her.

48. Enjoy the outdoors and buy your overpriced clothing and gear at L. L. Peep.

Now this is a great diorama of what you’d see in an L. L. Bean catalog. Of course, though you can personalize stuff from it, the clothes are very expensive or as I call it, “not worth it.”

49. Relive your favorite moments with loveable meth titans Walter White and Jesse Peepman in AMC’s Breaking Buns.

Of course, you might want to clear out of Albuquerque when you see either of these guys and their RV. Also, maybe it’s best not to be a drug lord, even if you can make high quality meth.

50. Rediscover the childhood PTSD induced world of Roald Dahl with this peep diorama of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Of course, they couldn’t show Veruca Salt since she was in the garbage disposal. Nor can they show Mike TeeVee because he suffered from significant shrinkage. Still, Willy Wonka runs a very dangerous and nightmarish place.

Easter Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 6, 2015

Easter is among a handful of holidays that features cakes and other pastries. My family usually has a bunny cake to celebrate Easter with since there a lot of kids and easy to make. Yet, you also have other motifs such as eggs, chicks, baskets, and flowers. Some may take a more religious motif such as crosses and an empty tomb. Yes, Easter is the time for such cute and colorful confections associated with spring and the resurrection. Now I can go on and on about the lovely professionally made cakes out there. But I know that none of you would be interested since those cakes won’t be worth making fun of. Instead, I’ll compile a post pertaining to some of the great caketastrophes mostly because many of them are unintentionally funny as well as fun to laugh at. Now these cakes are professionally made which you’d find in a store. So for your pleasure, here are some of the great Easter cake blunders that would make Peter Rabbit puke.

1. We begin with the celebration of new life as a chick emerges from its shell.

Okay, I know real chicks aren’t cute and fluffy when just out of the egg. Yet, this one seems to induce nightmares.

2. Of course, you can’t do anything wrong with a basket cake.

Now that’s a real basket case if you ask me. More like a muppet with roses instead of eyes. Of course, he can’t really smell the roses for he’s wearing rose colored glasses. Also, how long did this decorator realize that this cake was upside down?

3. When it comes to whether the chicken or the egg came first, this baker has the answer.

So it was the chicken sperm that came first. Definitely not age appropriate material for an Easter cake, especially in a family setting.

4. For those more religiously inclined, this Easter cross is for you.

You call that a cross? Seriously, how hard is it to mess up on a cross cake. I mean that’s just ungodly hideous for God’s sake.

5. For those who love Easter and Angry Birds, this is the cake for you.

Of course, green pigs might want to stay away from this one. Nevertheless, she’s bringing sexy quack.

6. Now we get to bunny cakes, hope nothing can go wrong with that.

Spiked whiskers? That’s just freaky. Seriously, couldn’t they use a different kind of icing for that?

7. Happy Easter from the chick with the chipmunk cheeks.

And from what I can tell, he seems quite amazed by all the food in his midst. Oh, I forgot, he is food.

8. Once upon a time, a group of bunny rabbits found a field filled with the most enormous carrots.

Unfortunately, the field was located near the Waltz Mill Westinghouse nuclear power plant which experienced a major meltdown during the 1970s. Let’s just say it really messed up a lot of rabbit genetics and leave it at that.

9. Happy Easter from Angry Big Bird.

Sorry, kids, but you’ve come at a really bad time to ask Big Bird on how to get to Sesame Street. Seriously, you don’t want to see him when he’s angry.

10. Nothing says Easter like a field of giant carrots rising up and eating all the bunnies.

Seriously, since when did anyone think of cupcakes depicting bunny eating carrots would be great for Easter? I mean was this decorator on drugs?

11. Happy Easter from the Snidely Whiplash bunny with twist ties on its neck.

I’d really hate to see what this bunny is up to. Seems like it wants to tie somebody on the railroad tracks while in sight of an oncoming train.

12. Rejoice and be glad! For He has risen! Or not.

Since when is an RIP tombstone an appropriate motif for an Easter cake. I mean those who know about Jesus know his tomb resembled a small cave, not something you’d see in a cemetery.

13. This little chick must watch out or else be Pac-Man’s supper.

Okay, I know this is supposed to be a cake depicting a chick hatching from an egg. Yet, this more or less looks like a decorated Pac Man gone rogue for some reason.

14. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a lamb cake this Easter Season.

Yet, this one somehow manages to get impaled with an American flag. How adorable! Not. I’d hate to see the national implications there.

15. Of course, while lambs are seen as tranquil and innocent animals, this isn’t always the case.

Apparently, this lamb saw other lambs smoking and thought it was cool. Of course, little did it know it would lead to lungs filled with tar, on the other hand.

16. Of course, if you don’t like animals, then Easter egg cakes are a viable choice.

Then again, perhaps Easter isn’t the time of year that calls for cakes with subliminal imagery, especially for events with kids around. They may not understand.

17. Happy Easter and all bow down to the dreaded Easter Bunny holding the sacred carrots.

Abandon all hope for ye who enter here. Boy, I think someone might want to call the Bunny exorcist here because this rabbit seems possessed.

18. Seems like the Easter Bunny needs to trim his claws before he scares the children away.

Recounting the rabbit’s face, this won’t happen anytime soon. Also needs to do something about that hump.

19. Happy Easter from the bunny who wants to hop in and bite your face off.

Yes, this rabbit seems like the kind to give you nightmares. You might want to have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in handy, just in case.

20. Happy Easter from the newly hatched chick from an Easter egg.

Reminds me of what the Genie said in Aladdin, “PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!! Itty bitty living space.” Also, don’t like the look on that chick’s face.

21. Evil Easter Bunny bestows his greetings. So hop to it or else.

I don’t know about you, but perhaps using jelly beans for facial features may not be a good idea. Seriously, this bunny looks more like a hare out of Hell.

22. I’m sure an Easter bunny cookie cake would make a great dessert for the whole family.

I don’t know about you but there’s something odd about that bunny that greatly disturbs me. Perhaps it’s rising to the occasion or bursting forth with glorious song if you know what I mean.

23. Happy Easter courtesy of the Incredible Hulk Chick.

Seems like the gamma rays really spread to the barnyard variety have they? Nevertheless, the only way you can tell it’s supposed to be the chick is due to the plastic.

24. Nothing commemorates Jesus’ resurrection like splattery tie dye and carrots on the cross.

Well, a tie dye resurrection cake could be all rights when it pertains to a theatrical celebration of Jesus Christ: Superstar. As with the carrots, well, they’re not cruciferous vegetables.

25. Easter egg or a slice of giant old pepperoni?

Well, it’s hard to say but judging by how the dotted orange egg isn’t a great oval, I’d go with the old pepperoni.

26. Of course, when it comes to eggs, their simple oval shape shouldn’t be difficult to depict on a cake.

Wait a minute. That’s no Easter egg. That’s an Easter themed Christmas tree. Seriously, apparently who ever made this cake doesn’t seem to understand basic geometry.

27. We all know that the Easter Bunny delivers eggs to children at Easter but did you know he also has his own carrot car?

Then again, this might not be a great artistic rendition. Also, why does the Easter Bunny have a mustache in this and carries an expression as if he’s been in an accident?

28. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, Electro Egg.

Yes, this is Electro Egg. And by the look of his face, someone is bound for a shocker, literally.

29. Happy Easter from the cutest yellow chick from your nightmares!

Now the more you look at this chick the creepier it looks for some reason. Seriously, it’s freaking me out right now.

30. This cake depicts a chick because we all know it’s one of the few Easter animals that say, “Peep Peep.”

Yet, from how I see it, it seems like a freakish yellow seahorse to me. Or possibly a weird banana with eyes or a swan. Then again, it may well be an alien from outer space for all we know.

31. Happy Easter from the -wait a minute are those, boobs? What happened to its arms then?

Now I know that the decorator intended those to be arms. Yet, when you look at it, you have to wonder whether such confection is appropriate for children.

32. Behold, all hail our Cute Overlord, Moldy Puffs Pickle-Ears.

Is it just me or do green Easter Bunny cakes just seem disgusting to you? Well, it does to me and I don’t think this bunny’s thoughts are all that innocent.

33. Nothing says Easter than a cake with a volcano design.

Hate to imagine what that bunny is doing to that egg. Nevertheless, why use a volcano cake for Easter? Oh, it’s supposed to be an egg, but I’m not sure if I can believe that.

34. May I present to you the Easter, what the hell is this?

Now I know this is supposed to be an Easter cake since it contains spring motifs like bunnies and flowers. Yet, I don’t know if I can tell whether this is a stool or a Shinto shrine.

35. Nothing says Easter like a chick who can’t quite get out of its Easter egg.

Apparently, this decorator should’ve just stuck with the egg and left it at that. Having a chick come out of it is all the more disturbing for some reason.

36. Happy Easter from your beloved Easter Bunny from Hell!

Seems like this cake decorator had some traumatic encounter with a costumed Easter Bunny as a kid at the mall. Totally understandable but this doesn’t stop such image from haunting children’s dreams.

37. Though we all know that Easter commemorates Jesus’ resurrection, but did you know that there were two bunnies holding eggs near the cross during his crucifixion?

Yes, I know the Cross is a popular Easter motif as well as bunnies and eggs. But just because some symbols may belong on the same holiday doesn’t mean they go together. I mean there’s a reason why we don’t include Santa in the nativity scene on Christmas for God’s sake.

38. While Lambs are supposed to be sweet and innocent, this lamb is a whole different story.

Yes, this lamb may be young and spring born. But it seems to have murder on the mind and is probably the black sheep of the family in a metaphorical sense.

39. Nothing says Easter than a cake depicting a rabbit from a science experiment gone bad.

Okay, this cake was decorated by a person who A. has never seen a rabbit, B. is on drugs, C. was influenced by drawings of Dr. Seuss or other weird illustrators, or D. all of the above.

40. I now give you, Bunny Bugs.

I’m not sure why the decorator thought such concept was a good idea. They just look like pink worms with bunny heads. Disgusting.

41. Since Jesus is the Lamb of God, then it’s only fitting to have a lamb on the cross.

Now how in the hell is that a cross? If not, then what the hell is it? Then again, it reminds me of something but I’m not sure if this is the kind of post to disclose it.

42. Nothing says Easter like, cookies of gingerbread men?

Of course, Easter does revolve around the themes of resurrection and new life so it’s only fitting. The gingerbread men represent the decaying corpses on the ground while the carrot and rabbit symbolize the new life coming out from them.

43. You can’t celebrate Easter without a cake of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.

Sure it may seem like a harmless bunny but as Tim the Enchanter said, “That’s no ordinary rabbit! That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!” Make sure you have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in handy.

44. Nothing says Easter like a cake depicting a cross of green.

Oh, my bad, that’s Saint Patrick’s Day. Of course, while the Saint Paddy’s motifs are obvious, it apparently didn’t sell by March 17. So it’s marketed as an Easter cake instead.

45. Of course, you can’t have Easter without a cake depicting a rabbit’s posterior in its natural habitat.

Let’s just say, I don’t understand the appeal of butt cakes and never will. Still, where’s the rest of the rabbit for God’s sake?

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: Food