Meanwhile, Klaus and Fiona work on the tidal charts to find the Sugar Bowl’s location. They determine that the Maltese tea set item (in a reference to the Maltese Falcon, as if it’s highly sought after but probably not worth all the trouble), was probably carried out to sea. But tidal charts aren’t the only thing on their minds. After all, Captain Widdershins accuses the two of flirting when his stepdaughter tells Klaus of her passion for mushrooms, making her a mycologist. Though if ASOUE wasn’t a series aimed for children, Fiona’s shroom obsession would’ve played out very differently (like she was into getting high on them). Anyway, it’s not hard to see her immense liking to Klaus despite being him about 2-3 years younger than her. After all, she spent most of her time on the Queequeg, away from plenty of boys her own age (though she could’ve went to school for all I know). Other than her stepdad and the occasional volunteer crewman, Fiona doesn’t have a lot of opportunities. One day, this sweet and brilliant boy who’s been through hell and back shows up at the submarine. And keep in mind, she’s been following Klaus and his sisters’ stories for quite some time.

Since this is a musical, any hint of sexual tension is bound to be exploited to the nth degree here, I decided to have Fiona sing “Come a Little Bit Closer” by Jay & the Americans which was featured in the second Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack. The original version tells a story of a young woman romantically involved with Jose but seduces the narrator with flattering words until he’s love-stricken. After they kiss and Jose chases the guy away, she uses the exact same words on him, suggesting she goes with the same script for every suitor.  In other words, she’s a player, y’all. In this version, I have Fiona entice Klaus since she’s the only guy she’s seen in a long time.

“Come a Little Bit Closer” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Fiona

On the Queequeg, I can sometimes feel kind of lonely
You don’t meet many people living on my stepdad’s submarine
But you arrived into my way
I wasn’t sure of what to say
And I knew, yes, I knew who you were
But I have to say

Come a little bit closer, you’re my kind of man
So sweet and so smart
Come a little bit closer, I’m all alone
In this place for so long

From the look on your face, your boyish gaze so inviting
But I just cannot resist just one little kiss so exciting
While we work on our tidal charts
I can’t help that you are so smart
Though I know, yes I know I should stop
But you just steal my heart

Come a little bit closer, you’re my kind of man
So sweet and so smart
Come a little bit closer, I’m all alone
In this place for so long

If you want to know, I’m very passionate about mushrooms
I’ll show you my mycology stuff if you come up to my room
So come take me by the hand
While we don’t see my stepdad
C’mon, Klaus, don’t be so shy
Hear what I say

Come a little bit closer, you’re my kind of man
So sweet and so smart
Come a little bit closer, I’m all alone
In this place for so long

After putting donning their uniforms, the Baudelaires get to work. Violet works on the telegraph device so the Queenqueg can receive Volunteer Factual Dispatches. Otherwise, all is lost. But despite pressure from Captain Widdershins, Violet doesn’t see much wrong with it though she makes a few minor repairs. Yet, she still can’t see why the submarine isn’t getting any messages. So she gets the idea that someone is sabotaging the system to keep volunteers from communicating with each other. That might explain why the Baudelaires weren’t able to hear a message from Mr. Poe. However, Violet would rather repair other stuff on the Queequeg like the steering and possibly the pipes. After all, in a submarine in such disrepair that many of its rooms are flooded, she has her work cut out for her.

I know it’s straying a bit but I had to go with Jimmy Buffet’s “Coconut Telegraph” which consists of SSB networks are simply an organized meeting place on a particular radio frequency at an established time, where an unlimited number of boaters can meet and share the latest weather forecasts and local news. Nets are usually controlled by one person, who acts something like a telephone operator to direct the flow of callers. In other words, it’s a way of sharing information and stories between sailors and how they stay in touch between ports. In this version, I have Violet explaining to the captain that the telegram device’s problems are out of her range.

“Beyond Broke Telegraph”

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Want me to fix the device
To get your latest dispatch
But I think you assigned me
To a near futile task

I’ve made a few minors repairs
Still can’t get anything through
If you can’t receive a message
Then I’m not sure what to do

You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
There’s nothing I can really do
You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
You can’t get a thing through
A thing through, a thing through

Your device really isn’t broken
Problem’s at the other end
No one’s sending any message
So I think we’re screwed, my friend

Someone’s disrupting the cable wires
Though I don’t know for sure
Think it may be Count Olaf
Though I can’t say anything more

You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
All the lines seem dead
You can’t hear it on the beyond broke telegraph
What is being said
Being said, what’s being said

Sorry, but I got to tell you
And the lines have all gone dead
Can’t seem to get any message
Can I fix your steering instead

We once tried to send a T-gram
To banker named Mr. Poe
Though he may be an asshole
Guess this case may be so

Tried to fix the beyond broke telegraph
But nothing can’t do the trick
Tried to fix the beyond broke telegraph
Seems like we’re in deep shit

With the menfolk out of the way, Captain Widdershins’ stepdaughter Fiona fills the Baudelaires in on what’s going on. She tells them that the Queequeg has been following their exploits in the Daily Punctilio for some time (though they try to distinguish fact from fiction on where the kids are). This explains why the sub appeared in the Stricken Stream instead of the places you normally find them: the ocean. They’ve also been receiving Volunteer Factual Dispatch telegrams about the Sugar Bowl’s location which has also brought them to the area. Since all the evidence points out that someone threw this Maltese tea set item out the window of V.F.D. headquarters and so has traveled down the Stricken Stream. She then shows them to their uniforms, which might prove quite large for them. Though she cues them that they’ll need diving helmets in case the sub’s walls collapse. But at least the Baudelaires get to sleep in bunk beds.

The song I decided to go with is The Band’s “Up on Cripple Creek” which is about a truck driver who goes to Lake Charles, Louisiana to stay with a local girl named Bessie. During the song, he gambles, drinks, listens to music, and spends time with his “little Bessie” who takes an active role in the goings-on, while expressing her opinions further endearing herself to the narrator. After exhausting himself on the road, he talks about going home to his “big mama” which maybe his main woman or his dispatcher. In this version, I have Fiona explaining to the Baudelaires what’s really going on.

“Down the Stricken Stream”

Sung by Fiona

When we get out of this river
You know where we gonna go
Straight out into the ocean
To find the Sugar Bowl

The Queequeg searched for you all over
From the Punctilio as we knew
Though we have a way to filter lies
In order to get to the truth

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

According to the dispatches
About the Sugar Bowl
Said it traveled downstream
After thrown out from a window

But if Count Olaf gets it
Then it’ll be for naught
So Klaus needs to see tidal charts
To know where it had gone

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

Here’s we keep the uniforms
Yet, there’s no toddler one in stash
Though you’ll need a diving helmet
If walls collapse

Though my stepdad knew the Punctilio’s lies
Cause your troubles are too big
Not sure what it means
Than some small noble thing

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

Now my stepdad won’t even tell me about
What’s with the Sugar Bowl
He says it’s an enormous secret
Though I’m not really sure

Now let me show you to your bunks
Hope you enjoy your sleep
Though I’m sure you’ve been through worse
So you won’t mind the least

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

It’s cold in the Mortmain Mountains
In the Hinterlands, it’s red hot
And this living in this sub
Is kind go getting off

Cause after what happened to my mama
Got killed by manatee
Because you know it’s not so much fun
Being stuck with two middle-aged men

Down the Stricken Stream, they send her
If it springs a leak we mend her
If we need to leave start the engines
A real machine, if I ever did see one

As a submarine, the Queequeg comes with several features. Its Main Hall is the center of all operations with pipes jutting everywhere along with panels, gears, and tiny screens. The room is lit by a few green lights and tiny signs saying DANGER!, WARNING!, and HE OR SHE WHO HESITATES IS LOST! On the far side under an enormous porthole is a huge wooden table piled with books, maps, and dirty dishes. At the top of the rope ladder running up the side of the wall in the Main Hall is the Steering, a small shelf consisting of a large steering wheel along with a few rusty levers and switches that seem incredibly difficult to understand. Along the corridor also includes a kitchen, a supply closet, and barracks. Nonetheless, Captain Widdershins is pleased to have the Baudelaires on board. He wants Violet to repair the telegraph device, Klaus to read up on the charts to finding the elusive Sugar Bowl, and Sunny to help out Phil, the cook. Yes, that eternal optimist Phil from the Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

Once again, I turned to Pocahontas and used, “The Virginia Company” song from the movie. In the original version, English settlers climb on board the Susan Constant in hopes of seeking God, gold, and glory as well as singing about tales of riches and freedom. Of course, they probably won’t find gold there. Yet, in real life, the first few years of Jamestown were an absolute hell but with less clashes with Indians and more instances of cannibalism. In this version, I have Captain Widdershins describe the Queequeg and the object of the Sugar Bowl.

“On Aboard the Queequeg”

Sung by Captain Widdershins

We’re on aboard the Queequeg
We run the open deep
That we must find the Sugar Bowl
In our leaky submarine

Vi can fix things with Fiona
Klaus can go read tidal charts
And Sunny can team up with Phil
Since his food gives me the farts

So we must find the Sugar Bowl
In our Queequeg submarine

Why, yes, our pipes are dripping
While we spring too many leaks
There are several rooms
You must avoid or the sub will sink

You’ll find the pipes all over
While they’re all springing leaks
But that is how we all will go
In our leaky submarine
So we must find the Sugar Bowl
In our Queequeg submarine

After answering “friend” and answering the password question with “The world is quiet here,” the Baudelaires venture inside the Queequeg submarine and meet Captain Widdershins. He has a long curly mustache resembling parentheses as well as a weird way of speaking like in redundant comments with explanation points and “Aye!” interjections. He’s also a control freak, objecting when anyone makes a statement that could be slightly construed as a command. He also knows many secrets he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing with his stepdaughter Fiona or the Baudelaires for that matter. At the same time, he’s a bit jovial, eccentric, and a bit absent-minded since his motto is “he who hesitates is lost.” Still, his uniforms have a picture of Herman Melville which gives Klaus’s approval and is a shout out to the submarine named after a character from Moby Dick. But at least he doesn’t think the Daily Punctilio is a great newspaper or that the Baudelaires are murderers. As for the submarine, well, it’s kind of a clunker so to speak since it’s in extreme disrepair with leaks everywhere and several rooms closed off to keep the ship from sinking.

I decided to go with “Yellow Submarine” by the Beatles which was originally written as a nonsense song for kids. Though it was originally recorded for the Revolver album and was subject to a psychedelic cartoon. Still, if you’re doing a parody pertaining to a submarine story, you have to include this. In this version, I have Captain Widdershins describe the Queequeg.

“Leaky Submarine”

Sung by Captain Widdershins

Captain Widdershins:
Friend or foe, welcome aboard
Enter, Baudelaires, room for three
Might as well come inside
In the Queequeg submarine

Mind the ladder as you climb
Close the hatch at steady speed
Don’t make noise, don’t look down
In our leaky submarine

Crew:
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine

Captain Widdershins:
Put on these sub uniforms
This Fiona, my stepdaughter
Captain Widdershins, is my own name

Crew:
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine

Violet:
My sister wants to know why you know so much about us

Captain Widdershins:
Been receiving Volunteer Factual Dispatches about you fairly regularly.
He who hesitates is lost.

Fiona:
Or she.

Captain Widdershins:
Though there’s been so much unease
Every one of us has all we need
Sky of blue and sea of green
In our leaky submarine

Crew:
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine
We all live in a leaky submarine
Leaky submarine, leaky submarine

As they go down the Stricken Stream in a collapsing toboggan, the Baudelaires are unsure of what to do next since they have no idea where they’re going. Violet wants to slow down the sled but Klaus doesn’t think it’s a good idea since it might cause them to fall into the water. As they travel down the river, they go through the Hinterlands which seems burned to a crisp thanks to the fire at the Caligari Carnival which Violet and Klaus started. Granted, Count Olaf basically forced them to, but they still feel kind of bad about it, since it’s already spread quite extensively. But just as they’re in danger of falling into the water, a metal submarine with a V.F.D. eye as their only means of salvation. Of course, the Baudelaires are going in since they just want to live.

For this part, I decided to go with “Just Around the River Bend” from Pocahontas. In the original version, Pocahontas is singing about being at the crossroads of her life. Should she marry the best warrior of the tribe Kocoum and settle down or just see what happens? Though she sings with an air of anticipation, I don’t think it’s the case with the Baudelaires since their just around the river bend moment pertains to what’s the best survival strategy.

“Just around the River Bend” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Don’t know how to slow down this sled
As we float down Stricken Stream
The water’s always changing, always flowing

Klaus:
Perhaps it’s best you might refrain
We do not want to freeze
Though I still don’t know where we are going

What’s around the river bend
Floating just around the river bend

I look once more just around the river bend
And we don’t know where we’d go by stream
So just sit tight and see where the stream will take us
Just around the river bend, going to see

Violet:
Apparently, the Hinterlands
Has recently gone up in flames
Things have only gotten worse since Caligari

Count Olaf forced us to burn the place but all too wrong the same
And yet, I still keep wondering about my Quigley

Just around the river bend
Just around the river bend

I look once more just around the river bend
Beyond the shore somewhere past the sea
Maybe we can steer the sled with its own runners
Just around the river bend, just around the river bend

Shit, the bread knife is long gone
Look I see a periscope? Think we see a sub below
Should we make ourselves at home?
Or should we just take our chances, Klaus,
Just around the river bend?

In the beginning of the Grim Grotto, the Baudelaires are floating on a collapsing toboggan along the Stricken Stream and have absolutely no idea where they’re going. They want to make it to the Hotel Denouement for the V.F.D. summit at the last safe place. As the eldest child, Violet has plenty of things on her mind. For one, like her siblings, she’s not exactly sure what to do next. Second, she’s thinking about how to slow down the toboggan, make it more manageable, or leave it alone. Third, she’s worried about Quigley who’s still in the water and is unsure where he’ll be next. Or whether he’ll drown or freeze to death. It’s fairly clear in the last book they at least kissed while climbing Mount Fraught.

The song I chose for her here is Billy Joel’s “Travelin’ Prayer” which opens his Piano Man album. In the original, the man is praying that his girlfriend’s all right and that she returns safe and sound. Strangely for a Billy Joel song, it’s in a bluegrass riff. In this version, I only changed a few of the lyrics but the overall meaning is the same, given that Quigley is all alone floating in a tributary as well as at a significant risk of freezing to death or drowning.

“Travelin’ Prayer” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet Baudelaire

Hey Lord, take a look all around
And I’d a find where my Quigley’s gonna be
Hey Lord, would ya look out for him tonight
‘Cause he is far on down the stream
Hey Lord, would ya look out for him tonight
And make sure that he’s gonna be alright
And things are gonna be alright with me

Hey Lord, would ya look out for him tonight
And make sure that all his dreams are sweet
Said now, would ya guide him on the roads
And make them softer for his feet
Hey Lord, would ya look out for him tonight
And make sure that he’s gonna be alright
Until he’s back and here with me

Hey, Lord would ya look out for him tonight
If he is sleepin’ under the sky
Said now, make sure the ground he’s sleepin’ on
Is always warm and dry
Um, don’tcha give him too much rain
Try to keep him away from pain
Because my Quigley hates to cry

Hey Lord, would ya look out for him tonight
‘Cause it gets rough along the way
Said now, this song seems strange is just because
I don’t know how to pray
Um, won’tcha give him peace of mind
And if you ever find the time
Won’tcha tell him I miss him everyday

Hey Lord, take a look all around
And I’d a-find where my Quigley’s gonna be
Hey Lord, would ya look out for him tonight
‘Cause he is far on down the stream
Hey Lord, would ya look out for him tonight
And make sure that he’s gonna be alright
Until he’s back again with me
With me