A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Dance Round the Springpole”

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As soon as the elder Baudelaires and Quigley demand Sunny Baudelaire from Count Olaf, he asks what made them think that he’d just hand her over. Violet answers that she knows where the Sugar Bowl is even though she totally doesn’t. So Olaf demands that they give it to him. But Violet’s not telling anything until she has Sunny, leading Olaf threatening to throw the masked teens off the mountain if they don’t give him the Sugar Bowl. Klaus points out that won’t solve anything. Anyway, Count Olaf and Esme have an argument since he needs Sunny for the Baudelaire fortune while she wants the Sugar Bowl. Meanwhile, the ominous newcomers break up their fight and order the White-Faced Women bring Sunny out. Meanwhile, the menacing figures blow their whistles to summon hundreds of eagles with nets to trap the Snow Scouts as new recruits before burning their parents’ homes and seizing their fortunes. And as Violet is trying to negotiate with Count Olaf, the Snow Scouts arrive for the False Spring celebration. Violet and Klaus try to warn Bruce but Olaf tells him to ignore the masked volunteers, which Bruce is dumb enough to comply. After Carmelita tells Violet, Klaus, and Quigley to remove their masks, Olaf is shocked since he believed the elder Baudelaires were dead. He then tells the White-Faced Women to throw Sunny off the mountain, which they refuse and tell him where to stick it. So Olaf decides to it himself, but Sunny shows up and it’s found she used an eggplant as a decoy. Violet and Klaus warn Carmelita that Olaf’s bad but she jams a pole into the ice forming a crack as the scouts start dancing. Naturally the eagles come after them, trap those kids in nets, and carry them off along with most of Olaf’s henchmen sans Esme. Speaking of Esme, she offers to take in the monumental brat which she accepts.

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The song I selected is “A New Argentina” from Evita due to its dramatics. In the original version, Evita helps her husband rise to the presidency of Argentina both in public and in private. In this version, I have Violet, Klaus, and Quigley try to bargain with Count Olaf as the Snow Scouts show up.

 

“Dance Round the Springpole”

Violet:
Hello Olaf, we’re atop Mount Fraught
We demand you give to Sunny Baudelaire
For we know where to locate
The Sugar Bowl’s current place
Give her now and we’ll show you where

Count Olaf:
What makes you think that I’d give her up
If you know the Sugar Bowl’s whereabouts
The why don’t you just cough it up
Else I might throw you off Mount Fraught
Now just give it out

Klaus:
Throwing us won’t solve anything
Nor will it give you the Sugar Bowl

Esme:
Can’t you just hand Sunny out to them
Since the Sugar Bowl is more crucial

Count Olaf:
She’s an heiress, Esme
We need her or we’ll never get paid

Man with Beard but No Hair:
For God’s sake we could be foolish arguing while we’re ahead
Pale faced women, bring her to us, then we’ll talk

Woman with Hair but No Beard:
Blow the whistle, get the eagles, they’ll come in the hundreds
Since the schism, our foes have most animals

Count Olaf:
Eagles have these giant nets
They’ll capture the kid Snow Scouts, they’ll join us
As our prisoners to our own extent
While we burn their folks’ houses down

Snow Scouts:
We dance round the springpole, for crowning our False Spring Queen
We dance round the springpole, to hail Carmelita
A queen you’ve never seen

Violet:
We’ll tell you about the Sugar Bowl while we take Sunny away
Though we’ll meet volunteers to dish out your plans at the last safe place
It’s downhill, at the bottom
To find it, climb down Mount Fraught
Please guys, heed to what I now say!

Snow Scouts:
Dance round the springpole, our False Spring dancing song
Dance round the springpole, the song of the Snow Scouts
Rings out loud and long

Klaus:
For God’s sake, Uncle Bruce, you’re walking into a trap
These evil guys plan to capture your Snow Scouts into their ranks
They will hurt them, kill their parents, still their fortunes
Please, sir, you take it from me

Bruce:
Dance round the springpole, as we observe our False Spring

Bruce and Snow Scouts:
Dance round the springpole, we celebrate together
And no sad face within

Count Olaf:
Don’t pay attention to these three strangers wearing masks

Carmelita:
It’s my party, there’s no snow gnats, take them off

Quigley:
If you insist

Violet:
We’ll remove them

Count Olaf:
Didn’t we kill you
At the pass?
Ladies, if you please
Go and throw the baby off

White-Faced Women:
Shove it, Olaf, we won’t throw her, and you can kiss our ass
We are leaving, so just throw her off yourself
We had a sister, died in fire, and we’re fed up with your crass
Goodbye Olaf, but we’d rather see you rot in hell

Count Olaf:
Well, fuck you, I’ll throw her off myself,
Shit, she put an eggplant in the dish instead

Violet and Klaus:
Count Olaf is pure evil and he’s a grave danger at that

Carmelita:
I’m False Spring Queen, get the pole in, cakesniffing brats
It’s my party, don’t you spoil it
We don’t have time for all your shit
Can’t you just shut up for me?

Snow Scouts:
We dance round the springpole, for crowning our False Spring Queen
We dance round the springpole, to hail Carmelita
On Mount Fraught’s highest peak

Man with Beard but No Hair:
C’mon, eagles, get the Snow Scouts, grab the nets before you fly
And Olaf, get the Sugar Bowl in your hands

Woman with Hair but No Beard:
We’ll meet again at the last safe place, at sometime
While our eagles catch Hector and Quagmires

Esme:
As to the three young Baudelaires
I find hard on which one to spare
An infant servant is quite enjoyable
But it’d be a lot of fun smashing Klaus’s glasses
Watching him bumping into things
But we’ve got more important key goals
Like obtaining the Sugar Bowl

How about we can take this girl along
She’s all so cute and all so smart
She can be our daughter

Snow Scouts:
We dance round the springpole, for crowning our False Spring Queen
We dance round the springpole, but all the eagles got us
We won’t know where we’ll ever again be seen.

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