When the Baudelaires finally get to discuss their findings to each other, they try to piece together their stories based on what they observed. Since he has a commonplace book, Klaus takes notes (though I imagine him writing down his observations while in the bathroom). Yet, this doesn’t bring them closer to figure anything out while the children have some new questions. For instance, how can two men be in 3 different places at the same time? Sunny makes it akin to the blind men and elephant poem their dad read to them, all getting bits of information and making different assumptions but not seeing the big picture. However, as they try to sleep past midnight, Klaus suddenly figures out that the Sugar Bowl is to arrive by crow and is set to be shot by harpoon gun and drop into a vent to the laundry room. Then they spot someone climbing on the ceiling.

Once again, I went with Elvis Costello whose song “(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea” which as he put it, “[m]ight have been just a poor relation to ‘All of the Day (and All of the Night)’, ‘I Can’t Explain’ or even ‘Clash City Rockers’ had it not been for Bruce Thomas’ great bassline. Meanwhile I was trying to fit in this lick from an old Pioneers record, though which one I can’t recall.” Still, the “Chelsea” in this song refers to London, which is associated with high end fashion, rich people, and mental asylums, which seems something you’d find in a Lemony Snicket book. Anyway, you get the impression that a repelled Costello finds the high Chelsea culture quite degrading and emotionally dead. Like Esme Squalor. In this version, I have the Baudelaires discuss their observations doing guests’ bidding and how they’re stumped.

“(We Don’t Have a Way to) Solve This”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
On the roof, Esme’s with Geraldine, but fuck that bitch
With Carmelita who’s spoiled rich
Wants a harpoon gun, I have to get
She dished a little dirt, said stuff about a party
Yet, what I’ve got doesn’t amount to much, hardly
Frank/Ernest helped me, as guests came in early
I got the big gun despite how I now feel sorry
We don’t have a way to solve this

Oh, no, it doesn’t make sense
Like the blind with the elephant
They were looking up at the sky
But I really don’t know why
We don’t have a way to solve this

Klaus:
Everybody’s got new orders
Be a nice boy, help Sir and Charles
Go to sauna hold cigars
Put your foot in door ajar

Roll bird paper out the windows
Hang it to catch eagles over pond
Asked me on the Snow Scouts taking
We don’t have a way to solve this

Oh, no, they talked of J.S.
They’re on his party guest list
Paper is meant to make birds stick
But to hang it makes me sick
We don’t have a way to solve this

Violet:
Sunny went to teacher’s place, Mrs. Bass is robbing banks
Invitation’s Esme has sent
Hal’s a cook at some Indian café
Said J.S. is a she, is outside for crow watching
Frank/Ernest gave her device for door to laundry
Said Sugar Bowl would fall in at nightfall
Both were grateful but she now feels awful
We don’t have a way to solve this

Klaus:
Well, well, I think I got it
Crow’s bringing in the object
Harpoon gun will shoot it then
So it’ll fall into a vent
We have a way to solve this

Thankfully, the Baudelaires are reunited at the front desk and spend the rest of their shift working in the lobby. However, as with working in a hotel, they’re so busy that evening they don’t have any time to discuss about the things they observed while they were apart. After all, there’s just so many things to do in the lobby like checking in V.F.D. guests which are pouring in from everywhere for Thursday’s summit. Not to mention, all the other stuff associated with concierge duties. Because the Baudelaires won’t get to talk to each other until late that night.

Of course, I had to pick the Beatles’ “Back in the U.S.S.R.” which refers to a dreadful flight from Miami Beach to the Soviet Union in a Beach Boys style riff which is the farthest thing from what you’d get in the Russian music scene during the 1960s. In this version, I have the Baudelaires working on the lobby desk as concierges and waiting for the time when they’ll get to discuss their findings.

“Back on the Hotel Ground Floor”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Oh, working at the Denouement right up till three
Wasn’t even tipped a dime
Spent the evening working in the front lobby
Man, it’s such a busy night
I’m back on the hotel ground floor
Not sure if I can take it all anymore, God
Back on the hotel ground floor. (Yeah)

Klaus:
Been away so long within this crowded place
Gee it’s good to be at desk
Don’t have time to talk or present my case
God, is there any time for rest?
I’m back on the hotel ground floor
Not sure if I can take it all anymore, God
Back on the hotel
Back on the hotel
Back on the hotel ground floor

Violet:
Well, the Dark Ave. boys really knock me out
Just see them from behind
And Prufrock guys make me sing and shout
But Quigley’s always on my mind

Klaus:
Aw come on!

Violet:
Oh, please!

Klaus:
Dear God!

Violet:
Dear God, why?

Klaus:
What the?

Violet:
I’m back on the hotel ground floor
Not sure if I can take it all anymore, God
Back on the hotel ground floor.

Klaus:
Well, my notebook’s really written out
Not sure what I can define
Don’t know if it’ll help us find stuff out
Fiona’s always on my mind

Violet:
Oh, so how long must we remain sitting at this front reception desk
Before we can all sit and talk
When you finish one job there’s always the next
We can’t all share what we saw
We’re back on the hotel ground floor
Not sure if I can take it all anymore, God
Back on the hotel ground floor

Oh let me tell you, siblings
Hey, we’re back!
We’re back on the hotel ground floor
We’re not free
Yeah back on the hotel ground floor

Ha ha

There’s a lot of interesting things going on in the Hotel Denouement. Aside from the main action pertaining to the Baudelaires, you’re bound to find all kinds of intrigue. You find an ambidextrous man on a walkie talkie who’s most likely Kevin. There’s a housekeeper removing a disguise and drilling a hole behind an ornamental vase to look at “elevator cables.” Another makes a discovery of how to read Hebrew in mirror writing. Then there’s a family looking for a doily over nearly a decade and are unaware it’s in that very hotel. There is even a family of 4 kids at the beach about to receive some very bad news, which we can surmise has to do with their parents and a fire. And you know where that’s going.

The song I used is Elvis Costello’s “Watching the Detectives” which is about a lover who would rather watch TV, particularly cop shows. It’s filled with film noir tropes like detectives, cigarettes, guns, and dames. In this version, I have the Baudelaires singing about having to spy on the Hotel Denouement guests while running errands for them.

“Watching the Hotel Guests”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Ambidext man on walkie talkie
Housekeeper’s at the sixth story
Drilled eye holes behind a vase
Examining cables holding elevators in place

Both:
We’re watching the hotel guests
Don’t get cute
We’re watching the hotel guests
Just keep mute, mute, mute, mute
Not sure if we can trust the manager
Cause we’re never so sure which twin’s here

Klaus:
Man reads Hebrew in mirror write
Visible shivers running down my spine
Banker picking up a one-way phone
Family looks for doily for hell God only knows
I take a pee break, write in commonplace book
Yet, there’s just so many things just worth a look
I don’t know how much more of this I can take
Those four kids don’t know what’s awaiting their fate

Both:
We are watching the hotel guests
Don’t get cute
We are just watching the hotel guests
Just keep mute, mute, mute, mute
Not sure if we can trust the manager
Cause we’re never so sure which twin’s here

Klaus:
You think you’re alone until some guest is ringing
This is such a busy day. You’re not sure what to listen.
They expect you just to show up within a New York Minute
Someone’s scratching at the window. I wonder who is it?
Your feet are tired when you wait on tired parents
While you put up with the worst of your charges’ constant ramblings
Even as my I write down whatever they do or say
Doesn’t bring me closer to finding it out anyway

Both:
We are watching the hotel guests
Don’t get cute
We are just watching the hotel guests
Just keep mute, mute, mute, mute
We can’t even trust the hotel manager
Cause we’re never so sure which twin’s here
Watching the hotel guests
We are just watching the hotel guests

Watching the hotel guests…

The Baudelaires meet up with one of the Hotel Denouement’s managers who explains their job to cater to guests’ every need and how they’re seen as invisible, to observe what the guests are talking about or up to, and how it’s run by the Dewey Decimal system akin to a library. Oh, and the hotel doesn’t have a catalog while they’ll be sleeping behind a desk in the lobby. Still, since the manager is either Frank or Ernest, the children are understandably wary of him. Anyway, as 3 bells simultaneously ring, the Baudelaires are forced to split up. Violet goes to the rooftop sum bathing salon where she finds Esme in a strategically placed bikini talking to Geraldine Julienne while Carmelita’s playing with a boat at the pool dressed as “ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate.” Violet’s task? Well, getting Carmelita a harpoon gun, which is something you should never give a child at all, especially an epically spoiled brat like her. A manager directs her to Room 121, which makes me wonder why would a hotel keep a weapon like that. Oh, a V.F.D. one. Klaus goes to Room 674 where he escorts Sir and Charles to the sauna where they discuss J.S., Sir, and the Baudelaires. A manager then evicts the two men to the organic chemistry room. He then has Klaus put up bird paper out the window and over the pond for “catching eagles.” Sunny goes to Room 371 where she escorts Vice Principal Nero, Mr. Remora, and Mrs. Bass to the Indian Restaurant run by Hal. A manager directs her to the kitchen where they prefer J.S. as a she and talk about eating crow as well as the Sugar Bowl being dropped down a vent. The manager then hands her a device to put on the door to the laundry room called a Vernacularly Fastened Door. By that afternoon, all the Baudelaires aren’t feeling great about what they just did.

The song I decided here is “Prima Donna” from Phantom of the Opera where the Phantom sends the owners and prominent members a letter calling for what he wants for the next show and that they don’t go along with it, something terrible will happen like a dropped chandelier. In particular, he wants Christine to sing the female lead while the resident prima donna Carlotta plays the silent page boy. Anyway, the owners try to buck it with casting Carlotta as the countess and Christine as the silent page boy. Let’s just say it will not go well. In this version, I have the managers describe what the Baudeliares will do as concierges as well as their time going to each guest’s beck and call. Oh, and I added some extra stuff describing what actual people in their position have to deal with, that Daniel Handler wisely left out.

“Concierges”

Frank:
V.F.D. summit on Thursday night, not sure if it’s set up right
At the Hotel Denouement volunteers go to the last safe place
Someone check in some more guests
Someone take on the front desk
Still at least the rooms get filled
Hope nobody ends up killed
What a way to run a business
Spare me these unending trials
One brother’s turns up bad
Another’s to be a dad
Denouement!
To hell with this fucked hotel!
Have a scandal and you’re sure to fill it out!

Dewey:
Baudelaires!
Out in the lobby!
Baudelaires!
Damnable!

Frank:
Dewey, please don’t shout
They’re known fugitives and all working here
Known fugitives

Dewey:
Dressed as concierges!

Frank:
Let’s go show them what to do
Kit Snicket, sent them here, too

Ernest:
Baudelaires, welcome to Denouement
Sorry, if I don’t have ample time
To aptly explain how we do arrange
The rooms in our fine establishment.
So get right to work so our guests don’t have to wait in line.

Frank:
If you know your way in a library
If you really need to find a book
Go search the card catalog
For the book you want
Then follow the Dewey Decimal System to locate that damn book!

First floor’s thought and psychology
Second floor’s theology
When you need a bit of rest
Sleep behind a desk
Denouement

As our hotel concierges
You’ve got opportunities
To quietly see what’s going on
Guests just treat you as
Invisible
So you’ll have your work cut out
You’re dismissed.

Klaus:
Three bells are ringing.

Violet:
We must separate

Sunny:
So unsafe

Klaus:
Might see three times the stuff
Don’t you fret Sunny
Think of this as a great large library
So how bad can it get?

Sunny (Translated Babble):
You’re crazy.

Klaus:
Don’t look at me

Violet:
Where do we go then?

Klaus:
I don’t know
Just take a number

Violet:
I’ll take the roof salon
You tend to room 674
While Sunny can go to a certain room 371.
…and split!

We will meet right her tonight
To share our findings in the front lobby
So we can find out who the hell is that J.S.
Let’s go and help some of our guests

[At Sun Roof]
Esme:
There you are

Violet:
I beg your pardon

Geraldine:
Who is that?
Is that some bell hop
Or the maid?

Violet:
What is it now?

Esme:
It’s Carmelita
The darling girl’s out at the pool

Violet:
Is she your daughter?

Esme:
Of course not!

Violet:
All right then

Geraldine:
Can see the headlines

Esme:
Oh, come on

Geraldine:
What’s going on?

Esme:
I took in three kids
Because orphans were in at the time

Geraldine:
When they read on your glamorous career,
From actress, adviser, girlfriend, and party hostess
Daily Punctilio readers will all be on their feet
And get so excited that they’ll fall stone dead from massive heart attacks

Esme:
Check and see my new outfit
These glasses are sunoculars
So I can watch birds in flight
And not go so blind

Geraldine:
More party details please

Esme:
Don’t want to give anything away too soon

Carmelita:
I really want a harpoon gun

Violet:
What the fuck did she just say?
Oh, what the hell
Well, excuse me?
Where do I find a harpoon gun?

Earnest:
I’m busy
I’m busy
Guests came in early

Violet:
Now I’ve found one

Earnest:
Please
A weapon like this harpoon should only be in the right person’s hands. I am grateful for your help Not many are brave
To help in such a scheme…

[At 674 to Sauna]

Sir:
…Are you a concertina here?

Klaus:
I believe you mean concierge, Sir.

Sir:
How does this lowly bell hop know my name?

Charles:
He probably calls all male guests that
Now may you escort the both of us toward the sauna

Klaus:
If that’s what you both wish, then I will kindly oblige

Charles:
Don’t you think I should change into my new bathing suit?
You won’t get the health gains from the steam in our plain street clothes

Sir:
I don’t give a damn about steam’s health benefits. I’m not an idiot, Charles, dear partner.
Can’t I enjoy the smell of hot wood once in awhile?

Klaus:
Well, this is an awkward discussion.

Charles:
Okay.

Klaus:
Why here?

Sir:
What do you mean?
Maybe you should stay outside
Hold my cigar

Klaus:
I’ll stick my foot out
To let out some of the steam

Sir:
How about Thursday’s party?

Charles:
Or that J.S.?

Sir:
Now just who is that?
Don’t really know.

Charles:
And the Baudelaires?

Sir:
Those child killers

Charles:
I doubt that

Sir:
J. S. said they’ll come
By submarine

Klaus:
Well, he’s not wrong

Sir:
Well, he invites us
It’s good for business
Though my workers still get gum and coupons

Charles:
And Bea and Bert?

Frank:
Please, put up this bird paper for me
We use it for catching the eagles

Klaus:
The eagles?

Frank:
Heard of Snow Scout abductions?

Klaus:
No, sir.
Are you who I suspect?

Frank:
Well, if you say so.
Thank you.

[At Room 371 and Indian Restaurant]

Mr. Remora:
Where did you get those cash bags?

Mrs. Bass
Mulctuary Money
Steal’s a cinch, got in a pinch
Since that bank is full of morons

Mr. Remora:
Tell me about it

Vice Principal Nero:
You interrupt me?

Mrs. Bass:
Don’t mind the money

Mr. Remora:
Please, know a good lunch place?
Since we’re all quite hungry from the road

Mrs. Bass:
Indian’s fine
Vice Principal Nero:
Got a recital
For Thursday night
To show my genius
Then perhaps, I’d quit my job

Mr. Remora:
Banana buffet

Mrs. Bass:
Stuff to measure

Mr. Remora:
Got Esme’s invitations
For the party

Hal:
I bid you welcome
Didn’t know it’s a sad occasion

Mr. Remora:
What does that mean?

Vice Principal Nero:
Give me candy

Mrs. Bass:
I’ve got a list of items with some measured amounts

Vice Principal Nero:
Wish Coach Genghis was still here

Mrs. Bass:
In his defense, he’s running from the law
It’s constant stress you’ll never rest from the chase

Vice Principal Nero:
Can you please fetch some more napkins for us?

Dewey:
Not sure when we’ll see our gal J.S.
She’s now using a Vision Furthering Device
To watch the sky
Warned we’ll all be soon eating crow

Hal:
So she’d might prefer hers roasted for sure?

Dewey:
Sugar Bowl’s due by nightfall
Most likely it’ll be laundered
Concierge, take a Vernacularly Fastened Door
At 025

Hal:
It’s the laundry room which includes a long tall chute

Dewey:
Put this on the laundry room’s lock the best you can

[At the Hotel]

Businessman:
Just get these shirts down to dry clean, okay?

Newlyweds:
Please fetch us some fine champagne.

Socialites:
Escort us to the spa

Cheating Husband:
Don’t tell my wife!

Klaus:
So that’s how are all babies are made

Frank:
Our hotel guests are a trial

Pervy Executive:
Concierge, you’re easy on the eyes
How about you dress like some French maid!

Violet:
No way, I’m fifteen, you creep!

Tourist:
Can you recommend hot attractions?
Heard your courthouse is a top must-see

Professor:
Didn’t know they employ toddlers here

Denouement Triplets:
Ring concierges for more

Violet:
Can’t believe these demands are requested

Accountant:
Would you please, my toilet’s ill at ease.

Salesman:
Holy shit, why does my room teem with cockroaches?

Lawyers:
Can use some clean towels, any moment now

Movie Star:
Do you know for sure, where I’d get a manicure?

Klaus:
Pain in the ass
Excuse me, must use the restroom

Musician:
Just take my bags and take all of my amps

Hedge Fund Manager:
Please clean my suit and go shine my shoes

Fusion Jazz Band:
Thanks for delivering our Chinese, now smoke a toke with us, please

Violet:
Don’t want to see one more man’s privates.

Guests:
Concierges, please meet our every need
We ring the bells, you show up at our service
Don’t expect tips, your needs aren’t our concern
Now, concierges,
Times more

Violet:
So we end our shift ends at three. I go back to the lobby. Meet Klaus and Sunny.

All:
Once more!

After Kit Snicket leaves, the Baudelaires set foot in the Hotel Denouncement, the last safe place for V.F.D. with members showing up as early as possible for a large gathering on Thursday. It’s a 9 story building where rooms are arranged by the Dewey Decimal System with a large clock at the top, which is very loud, and a pond in the front door. Oh, and did I tell you the façade has a bunch of numbers listed backwards? Nonetheless, since it’s filling with spies of volunteers and villains alike, it’s a hotbed of cloak-and-dagger intrigue where you’re not sure who to trust. Even the managers Frank and Ernest appear on opposite sides with the former a volunteer and the latter a fire-starter. Nor could you tell which one you’re dealing with since they’re allegedly identical twins. Not to mention, the Baudelaires aren’t the only people working at to hotel with spying duties. So you might want to be wary of your bell hop not catching you in a compromising position. Or that chambermaid looking into your room while your away. Or that concierge staring intently at you while checking in or out. Or the bartender and restaurant owner listening in to conversations.

So I thought it was appropriate to use “One Night in Bangkok” from a musical called Chess which is about a chess tournament in a city known for its unique Asian beauty and architecture but seedy nightlife. The singer is a TV analyst for a match involving his Russian defector rival (by the way, Russia boasts some of the best chess grandmasters in the world). In this version, I have the Denouncement brothers and staff sing about the hotel’s equally seedy atmosphere that’s filled with more intrigue than a James Bond movie.

“Hotel Denouement”

Sung by Frank, Ernest, and Dewey Denouement

Frank:
Hi there, rather busy setting
And the city don’t know that the city is getting
The crème de la crème of V.F.D. in a
Show with everything but Kit Snicket

Time flies doesn’t seem a minute
Since we sort our rooms via Dewey Decimal System
All change don’t you know that when you
Own the last safe place, it’s no ordinary venue

It’s Mount Fraught or Anwhistle Aquatics or Heimlich or
or this place!

Staff:
Hotel Denouement and the world’s your oyster
The bars are open but the drinks ain’t free
You’ll find a spy in every golden cloister
And if you’re lucky then they’re in V.F.D.
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

Ernest:
One town’s very like another
When your head’s down over your duties, brother

Guests:
It’s a drag, it’s a bore, it’s really such a pity
To be looking at the time, not looking at the city

Ernest:
Whaddya mean? Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town

Staff:
Tea, girls, warm, sweet
Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite

Ernest:
Get Out! You’re talking to an exec
Whose every move’s always been suspect
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

Staff:
Hotel Denouement makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
Hotel Denouncement and the tough guys tumble
Can’t be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

Dewey:
This place’s gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of V.F.D. fitness
This grips me more than Christmas
‘Cept a conjugal visit with Kit Snicket

And thank God, I’m only watching the place controlling it

I don’t see you guys rating
The kind of move I’m contemplating
I’d let you watch, I would invite you
But the event we’ll hold would not excite you

So you better go back to your bars, your theaters, your massage
parlors

Staff:
Hotel Denouement and the world’s your oyster
The bars are open but the drinks ain’t free
You’ll find a spy in every golden cloister
A little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

Hotel Denouement makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
Hotel Denouncement and the tough guys tumble
Can’t be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

Anyway, Kit takes the Baudelaires to the Hotel Denouement, the so-called last safe place for V.F.D. where they’re set to have their meeting. She then has a picnic all laid out for them. She talks a little about the place, saying: “For years, it’s been a place where our volunteers can gather to exchange information, discuss plans to defeat our enemies, and return books we’ve borrowed from one another. Before the schism, there were countless places that served such purposes. Bookstores and banks, restaurants and stationery shops, cafes and laundromats, opium dens and geodesic domes – people of nobility and integrity could gather nearly everywhere.” She also revealed being just 4 when the schism occurred and how other safe places have been destroyed. She then vents on how upset she was about Jacques Snicket’s death and that Geraldine Julienne wrote about the Baudelaires killing him in the Daily Punctilio. Yet, she mentions that it was Quigley who contacted her about the children but couldn’t be with them since he heard word about Duncan and Isadora. Also, that it’s up to the Baudelaires to decide whether Thursday’s meeting should go ahead and are responsible to send word to cancel it. But at least she clears that the J.S. address isn’t her dead brother the children know and that Frank Denouement sent word that this individual has checked in. The kids have to know who this person is and observe them for 2 days to see if they’re good or bad so they can help or keep away at all costs. But look out for his wicked brother Ernest. The Baudelaires wonder why she’d give them so much responsibility on them since they’re children. But Kit says their parents prepared them for all this while she hand Quigley have places to go like the sea and air. Yet, she knows it’s all likely to go wrong.

The song I chose here is The Band’s “The Weight” which tells the story of a guy who pulled into Nazareth and is asked by his friend Annie to visit several of her friend who are pretty strange people he promised to check on. And those figures are base on people the members of The Band knew. Though some debated that these might be allusions to religious figures since Robbie Robertson remarked it being about “the impossibility of sainthood.” Nonetheless, this song was featured in Easy Rider and has been covered by other artists. In this version, Kit describes her story as well as what she wants the Baudelaires to do.

“The Weight” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Kit Snicket

After Jacques Snicket died, was feelin’ about half past dead
Was so distraught I didn’t want to leave my bed
But fortunately, I did and found a new message in my fridge
Though I think what Geraldine wrote was wholly full of shit

Take a load on, children
Take a load for free
Take a load on, children
And (and, and) you go to the last safe place
(You go to the last safe place)

Quigley’s my contact, he can’t meet with you all today
He’s heard from Duncan and Isadora before yesterday
Now it’s up to you, kids, if the meeting should go ahead
If you don’t think so, then send some word to cancel it

Take a load on, children
Take a load for free
Take a load on, children
And (and, and) you go to the last safe place
(You go to the last safe place)

Calm down, dear children, there’s nothin’ you can say
Just find J.S. and observe the hotel for a couple days
If he’s a good guy, make sure he has the Sugar Bowl
If he’s a bad guy, just keep him away from the thing at all costs, won’t you all?

Take a load on, children
Take a load for free
Take a load on, children
And (and, and) you go to the last safe place
(You go to the last safe place)

You all three Baudelaires will all become key flaneurs
Quietly observe your surroundings and intrude if you are sure
I know it’s a lot to ask you since you three have been through hell
Just throw a stone in pond to alert Frank, yet it’ll be hard as well

Take a load on, children
Take a load for free
Take a load on, children
And (and, and) you go to the last safe place
(You go to the last safe place)

Parents prepared you while they were both alive
I’ve got places to go and I do believe it’s time
Just say hi to my Dewey, he knows he’s the only one
Just send them here with my regards for everyone

Take a load on, children
Take a load for free
Take a load on, children
And (and, and) you go to the last safe place
(You go to the last safe place)

Just as the Baudelaires go into the taxi, Kit Snicket immediately tells the kids they need to go to brunch, disguise themselves as concierges, and to start making “observations as flaneurs.” She then goes into the history of V.F.D. which was once a fire-fighting organization until a faction split from the group to do more nefarious deeds. She tells the kids there are more bad people than they might realize including the Man with Beard But No Hair and the Woman with Hair But No Beard. Since enemies are everywhere. And that it’s possible she can pick one up once in awhile. Also, that she slipped the Baudelaire parents poison darts under Esme Squalor’s nose. Then Kit starts driving erratically, spinning the car around and through the bushes at the edge of the road. Just in time to reveal that she’s pregnant (and at full term) and that she shouldn’t engage in car chases. Also, that she’s distraught but that’s because her brother Jacques was murdered and her other brother Lemony is believed dead and MIA as far as we know.

The song I chose for her intro is “Private Eyes” by Hall and Oates, which compares the challenges of romance to cloak-and-dagger detective work. Their music video even depicts the men wearing detective outfits, which they didn’t like making but knew it served well promoting their music. In this version, I have Kit meeting the Baudelaires and discussing V.F.D.

“V.F.D., They’re Watching You”

Sung by Kit Snicket

I see you, you see me
Come and climb in my car
As I drive you kids to the city
Oh, kids, you’ve got to know
That we’ve got to have brunch
Before you dress in your new disguise
As concierges
You will go work there

V.F.D.
They’re watching you
They see your every move
V.F.D.
They’re watching you
V.F.D.
They’re watching you
Watching you
Watching you
Watching you

We put out fires
Yet since we split
One side keeps starting them
As we take them out
‘Cos kids
You’ve got to know
That good can be more
Strong than those
Gone bad
Sometimes you’ve been had
Better go watch your backs

V.F.D.
They’re watching you
They see your every move
V.F.D.
They’re watching you
V.F.D.
They’re watching you
Watching you
Watching you
Watching you

Sorry if I’m driving like a crazy chick
Since I’m knocked up and depressed as shit
Let’s go and have some brunch
Before we go
To the hotel

V.F.D.
They’re watching you
They see your every move
Oh, kids, V.F.D.
They’re watching you
V.F.D.
They’re watching you, yeah
They see your every move
They see it
Ooooh, they’re watching you
V.F.D.
They’re watching you…