A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “(We Don’t Have a Way to) Solve This”


When the Baudelaires finally get to discuss their findings to each other, they try to piece together their stories based on what they observed. Since he has a commonplace book, Klaus takes notes (though I imagine him writing down his observations while in the bathroom). Yet, this doesn’t bring them closer to figure anything out while the children have some new questions. For instance, how can two men be in 3 different places at the same time? Sunny makes it akin to the blind men and elephant poem their dad read to them, all getting bits of information and making different assumptions but not seeing the big picture. However, as they try to sleep past midnight, Klaus suddenly figures out that the Sugar Bowl is to arrive by crow and is set to be shot by harpoon gun and drop into a vent to the laundry room. Then they spot someone climbing on the ceiling.


Once again, I went with Elvis Costello whose song “(I Don’t Want to Go to) Chelsea” which as he put it, “[m]ight have been just a poor relation to ‘All of the Day (and All of the Night)’, ‘I Can’t Explain’ or even ‘Clash City Rockers’ had it not been for Bruce Thomas’ great bassline. Meanwhile I was trying to fit in this lick from an old Pioneers record, though which one I can’t recall.” Still, the “Chelsea” in this song refers to London, which is associated with high end fashion, rich people, and mental asylums, which seems something you’d find in a Lemony Snicket book. Anyway, you get the impression that a repelled Costello finds the high Chelsea culture quite degrading and emotionally dead. Like Esme Squalor. In this version, I have the Baudelaires discuss their observations doing guests’ bidding and how they’re stumped.


“(We Don’t Have a Way to) Solve This”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

On the roof, Esme’s with Geraldine, but fuck that bitch
With Carmelita who’s spoiled rich
Wants a harpoon gun, I have to get
She dished a little dirt, said stuff about a party
Yet, what I’ve got doesn’t amount to much, hardly
Frank/Ernest helped me, as guests came in early
I got the big gun despite how I now feel sorry
We don’t have a way to solve this

Oh, no, it doesn’t make sense
Like the blind with the elephant
They were looking up at the sky
But I really don’t know why
We don’t have a way to solve this

Everybody’s got new orders
Be a nice boy, help Sir and Charles
Go to sauna hold cigars
Put your foot in door ajar

Roll bird paper out the windows
Hang it to catch eagles over pond
Asked me on the Snow Scouts taking
We don’t have a way to solve this

Oh, no, they talked of J.S.
They’re on his party guest list
Paper is meant to make birds stick
But to hang it makes me sick
We don’t have a way to solve this

Sunny went to teacher’s place, Mrs. Bass is robbing banks
Invitation’s Esme has sent
Hal’s a cook at some Indian café
Said J.S. is a she, is outside for crow watching
Frank/Ernest gave her device for door to laundry
Said Sugar Bowl would fall in at nightfall
Both were grateful but she now feels awful
We don’t have a way to solve this

Well, well, I think I got it
Crow’s bringing in the object
Harpoon gun will shoot it then
So it’ll fall into a vent
We have a way to solve this

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