The Holly and the Ivy, on the Christmas Wreath

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Whether it be on the front door or on the wall or whether it be crafted or bought, the Christmas wreath has always graced homes everywhere. Of course, they could come in a wide range of shapes and sizes as well as materials. And though some may appear masterfully done, others well, not so much. In fact, some of them may not be very appropriate to grace a house at all at times. Still, this may be a sensitive subject when it comes to tacky wreaths since many probably worked hard on them only to have me graciously mock them. Yet here is a list of tacky Christmas wreaths for all to enjoy.

1. Nothing says “Welcome” or “Peace on Earth” than a wreath made out of shotgun shells with a gun in the center.

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To me this says, “You’re an intruder and get the fuck out of here!”

2. Of course, you can try to make one from recyclable materials or garbage.

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Sure this may be eco-friendly but it still looks like garbage.

3. A beer can Christmas tree not only is eco-friendly but it will look good on any frat house door.

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I’d be wondering if the owner has a drinking problem since he or she has all the beer cans to make a wreath.

4. Yet, if you want something simple, you can go with the ultra modern look.

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Somehow when I look at this, I can’t help comparing it to a toilet seat.

5. If you want to protect the earth but not do a lot of work, you may want to paint a tire green and put a bow on it. Simple as that.

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Yeah, but I don’t think it looks appropriate anywhere but at a place relating to car service, a hardware store or a dealership. Maybe an Advanced Auto Parts or an Ace Hardware but other than that, probably not.

6. I call this, “The Beer Pong Wreath.”

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Because it uses plastic cups and plastic ping pong balls like in beer pong.

7. A CDs wreath will look flashy at any house.

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If it’s placed on a single guy’s house, people may question his sexual orientation.

8. This Christmas wreath doesn’t look very happy.

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Wouldn’t mess with that wreath if I were you.

9. Behold, the wreath that will give you high cholesterol.

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Of course, this is more of a platter than a wreath but you get the idea.

10. Of course, you can use a inflatable wreath to decorate your house and use as a floatation device.

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Actually might make a better floatation device, now that I think about it.

11. Then there’s a cork wreath for the wine drinkers.

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Like with beer cans, I may also want to be concerned whether the owner has a drinking problem.

12. Need wreath decorations? Well, just use your WWE action figures.

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Someone must be too much into studio wrestling.

13. If the tire wreath is too heavy, you can always use the hubcap.

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Doesn’t really look like a wreath does it? More like a curved mirror with a bow on it.

14. Still, why not grace your door with Santa’s belt.

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I think I’d rather not.

15. And there can be never such a thing as too many Christmas decorations on a wreath.

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I think I’ll beg to differ on this one. Looks like Christmas on steroids.

16. If you like, you can always have your wreath match your lawn ornaments.

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This wreath would look fine if it weren’t for the flamingo.

17. A poinsettia wreath will always be inviting to someone’s home.

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Looks more appropriate to put on someone’s grave. And believe me, I live near a cemetery.

18. Why throw away your burned out Christmas bulbs when you can make a wreath with them instead?

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Still kind of looks flashy as well as tacky, especially with the elf.

19. What better way to greet visitors than with with a Nutcracker wreath?

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Somehow the nutcracker in the center doesn’t make this wreath look right for some reason.

20. Of course, if you want to shine, you can always go with the tinfoil wreath.

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Actually this never really looks right on anything. Besides, you see stores using these all the time.

Decorating the Christmas Tree

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A while ago, I had a post about Christmas trees. But this time I’ve reserved this post on Christmas tree decorations. Of course, we always decorate Christmas trees with all kinds of things like lights, toppers, trimmings, ornaments, and others. Many can range from those bought in a store or used as gifts to those homemade or part of a child’s craft project. Many of them may seem to be of great craftsmanship or of sentimental value while others well, may be better off set at the bottom of the tree where your toddler can smash and break so you wouldn’t have to explain its presence later. Also, it would make the tree look better as well. Either way, most people are usually stuck with putting them on the tree year after year. So here is a collection of possible inappropriate Christmas trimmings that should never grace a Christmas tree (well, ones within some bounds of PG-13 decency that is, but I will post links for some of the not so wholesome ones because there’s plenty of Christmas ornaments out there I can’t even post on this blog nor want to).

I. The Lights

1. Now you know how tacky having a leg lamp would be from the movie A Christmas Story, but imagine having a string of them on your own Christmas tree.

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If only Ralphie’s dad had his way.

2. Tropical paradise? Well, have a string of illuminated flamingos and palm trees.

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Still, palm trees and flamingos lights look tacky on just about everything.

3. For college fraternity Christmas trees, I’d recommend the Budweiser beer can light strand so you can be the life of the party before Christmas vacation.

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Seriously, why beer can lights? I can’t understand how they’ll make the tree look less like something from a frat.

II. The Toppers

4. For all you religious freaks out there, here’s a topper of Christ the King in his resplendent white robes and flat-ironed hair.

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If it wasn’t for that outfit, I’d mistaken this Jesus for a surfer dude.

5. Nothing says Peace on Earth than topping your tree with a star made out of shotgun shells.

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Courtesy of the NRA.

6. For all you Harry Potter fans out there, we have the Sorting Hat tree topper where you find whether your tree will be sorted into Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Gryffindor.

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C’mon there are probably better Harry Potter tree toppers than the Sorting Hat. What about the Golden Snitch?

7. For those tired of the constant Christmas cheer, here’s a crying angel tree topper.

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A downer at any Christmas party.

8. Keep annoying guests away with the evil monster tree topper.

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And I don’t think I’m kidding here. May also scare little kids and animals.

9. To match one’s Budweiser can Christmas lights, here’s a Busch Angel to top the tree.

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Because you couldn’t afford to buy an actual angel to top the tree.

10. For those sick in their minds, here’s an eyeless baby tree topper for the season.

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Seriously, this one is creeping me out, especially with its Christmas light eyes.

11. If Busch Angel doesn’t seem your fancy here’s a Bud Light Tree Star.

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O, little town of Beerthlehem.

12. Why have the Grinch steal Christmas if he can be on top of your tree instead?

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Looks like his mind is up to no good. Also, it’s just his head.

13. For dog lovers, here’s a dog angel tree topper.

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Look, I know all dogs go to heaven but this is ridiculous.

14. For your secular humanists out there, here’s a tree topper of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

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Because a Flying Spaghetti Monster tree topper will make your Christmas tree look tackier than your Christian friends.

15. Seriously, oh, God, no! A Justin Bieber tree topper.

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And he has to be depicted as an angel? Is there no decency here, Lord?

III. The Ornaments

16. Have a Wunderbar Christmas with these Swastika ornaments on your very Nazi tree your Furher can be proud of.

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Seriously, how could these ornaments even exist? I mean no one wants Christmas ornaments promoting anti-Semitic hate speech.

17. There’s nothing like having an armed fetus as your Christmas tree ornament to make a stand for your traditional American values.

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Because even fetuses should be entitled their Second Amendment rights. Couldn’t resist on that one.

18. Nothing can traumatize your kids more than seeing Santa with a thong.

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Oh, God why? This is disgusting.

19. Or Santa kidnapping naughty children in his sack.

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This probably came from the Netherlands, just look up David Sedaris’ 6 to 8 Black Men on Google.

20. Or Winnie the Pooh in a bikini.

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This is so wrong on many levels.

21. Or the Krampus.

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Seriously what’s a Krampus? And do I want to find out?

22. Didn’t know what Santa wore under his red suit.

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Feeling a little bicurious, are you Santa?

23. What girl wouldn’t refuse putting a sexy merman on her tree?

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Seriously, what’s sexually appealing about mermen? I don’t understand it.

24. And for those down South, here’s some flamingo ornaments.

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Like I said, flamingo decorations are always tacky.

25. Stuffed ornaments: so adorable even if they are fragments of bodily waste.

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Now that I think about it, it’s kind of disgusting.

26. I’ll let the ad speak for itself.

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I could never say it better myself.

27. Why not have your Christmas baubles double as billiard balls?

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I just hope these are as sturdy as real billiard balls if you decide to play pool with them.

28. Let’s have your Chimney Charlie rise from your chimney.

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Because no one wants to see a shirtless Santa.

29. And here’s Jesus up your chimney in a crown of lights to mark the suffering his birthday has experienced with secularism and commercialism.

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Sacrilegious on so many levels.

30. What more can you have on your Christmas tree than the daughter of Chucky?

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Well, you have to agree with me that she bears a certain resemblance. Of course, this is what you get when you mate Chucky with a troll doll.

31. Now you can be sure your nutcrackers support America’s Football Team.

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Seriously, the Dallas Cowboy’s aren’t America’s Football Team. It’s just what they and their fans call themselves.

32. Of course, your dead Santa head is a fine addition for your Nightmare Before Christmas Party.

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On second thought, probably too scary for that.

33. And here’s the Nutcracker’s Kentucky cousin Bubba.

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A redneck nutcracker, how…..I’m at a loss for words here.

34. What more can you ask for than a lovely catfish on your tree?

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Actually this is way more disturbing than the real thing.

35. A reindeer can never be overdressed.

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Not only is this outfit bad for reindeer but it’s also a fire hazard.

36. See the baby Jesus like you never seen him before.

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Will inspire more freakouts than joy.

37. Grandma got run over by a reindeer but Santa wasn’t responsible.

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So Grandma was really run over by a reindeer on a quad trying to get away from hunters. Perhaps Grandma was going to shoot it.

38. What more adorable craft ornament can you ask for than a cork reindeer?

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Can’t imagine how this could be a school craft project.

39. Didn’t know Santa was a senior naturist was he?

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At least he has a long white beard to hide his naughty bits.

40. You shouldn’t bug Santa while he’s on his private business.

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Please, Santa’s busy taking a crap. Shut the door and come back later.

41. For the microbiologist in your life, here’s some stuffed microbe ornaments for their tree.

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Because these are ornaments only a microbiologist can appreciate.

42. Nothing says Peace on Earth than a wooden gun on your tree.

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Please don’t. For the love of God, please don’t put this on your tree.

43. Of course, you don’t want to bother a bear packing heat don’t you?

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Bears are dangerous enough without guns let alone a mama bear wielding a shotgun to defend her cubs.

44. Seriously, Jersey Shore ornaments? Oh, hell no!

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Seriously, who the hell would buy these?

45. Well, here’s old Fishy reeling in a couple of marshmallows for his chocolate and graham cracker barge.

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As to what fish and smores have in common with each other, I don’t have the slightest idea.

46. Because your tree may be inhabited by smoking squirrels.

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Hey, it’s possible.

47. No stuffed ornament tree would be complete without Monster Tree.

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Oh, when a tree gets angry, boy does it get angry.

48. What’s that on the ballerina pig’s head?

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Is that supposed to be a Christmas tree with a face on it? Creepy.

49. Of course, you can’t have Christmas without Santa praying to the Baby Jesus.

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I find these decorations with Santa and Baby Jesus kind of tacky if you know what I mean.

50. And nothing says Merry Christmas like a bikini clad hippopotamus.

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Might have something to do with “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” Still, since hippos are among the most dangerous and aggressive animals on Earth, you really don’t.

For More:

Tree Toppers:

http://www.complex.com/art-design/2012/12/20-inappropriate-items-placed-on-christmas-trees/

http://happyplace.someecards.com/12718/the-13-most-wonderfully-blasphemous-items-ever-placed-on-top-of-christmas-trees

Ornaments:

From Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/11/wtf-ornaments-45-worst-christmas-tree-decorations_n_2278305.html

From Buzzfeed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hgrant/21-upsetting-christmas-tree-ornaments

Away in a Manger, on the Nativity Scene

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Disclaimer: This is a post purely for entertainment and no more. Sure I may put on tacky nativity scenes but I do the same when it comes to any Christmas decorations. If you’re a diehard Christian and think any of the nativity displays offend you, please don’t take your offense in the comment section. I’m not trying to offend anyone’s religious affiliation since I’m a Catholic who attends regular mass as well as a political liberal who believes in separation between church and state. Besides, I don’t find humor or tackiness in any way sacrilegious and neither should anyone else.

As a practicing Catholic, I’ve always considered the nativity scene as one of the more important Christmas decorations since it depicts the birth of Christ which is one of the reasons to celebrate the holiday (though not the only one). Sure it carries religious symbolism but Christmas is a religious holiday for many people (and let’s just not have church and state politics get in the way). You have the baby Jesus, his mother Mary and stepfather Joseph (though “official father” on his birth certificate), a shepherd, the the 3 Wise Men, a donkey, some sheep, an angel, and other farm animals in the stable. Of course, the nativity scene isn’t a historical reenactment nor one as depicted in the Bible (since the shepherds appeared in Luke and the 3 Wise Men in Matthew). Yet, while some nativity scenes are works of art as the result of divine inspiration, others not so much. Whereas, some of them may avoid divine inspiration entirely. Nevertheless, even the nativity scenes of divine tackiness deserve some recognition, if not serve as something to amuse us. So without further adieu, here are some of the tackiest nativity scenes for your appreciation.

1. Nothing says “Peace on Earth” than having the Holy Family depicted as shotgun shells.

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A homemade project sponsored by the NRA.

2. A nativity scene that will bring you joy as well as clog your arteries.

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A nativity scene most likely to give you a heart attack and kill you.

3. A great nativity set to go with your Dogs Playing Poker.

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Seriously, the Jesus pup looks a little like Joseph while Mary is a dalmatian. How does that happen when Jesus is supposed to be the Son of God?

4. A nativity scene which has risen from the dead, literally.

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So does this mean Christ was born already undead?

5. The nativity scene of the modern art museum.

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Sure looks like it. But it also could be a bunch of colored blocks.

6. Someone must’ve gotten their Bible stories mixed up to design this.

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Seriously, is the old guy supposed to be Joseph or Noah? Also, is that structure a stable or an ark?

7. No better way to put the “Christ” in Christmas than right above your crotch.

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Also, I doubt that tall evergreen trees even existed in Bethlehem during the early Roman Empire.

8. A futuristic minimalist take on the birth of Christ.

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Looks more like a gold disc lighting up EPCOT to me.

9. So whoo is born the king of Israel?

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Well, Jesus Christ that’s whoooo!

10. Taxidermy: can make a touching scene into one much more terrifying.

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So all the critters and the old lady scared all the adults away while the baby Jesus remained.

11. Glory to Gouda in the highest, and cheese to his people on Earth.

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Blessed are the cheese makers for they are the children of God.

12. Hark! the herald angels sing. Glory to the newborn…kitten?

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Only a crazy cat person could appreciate this. I find this set purr-fectly creepy if you ask me.

13. Of course, no Irish Christmas can be complete without a visit from St. Patrick and a couple of his drinking buddies.

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Giving him three casks of whiskey which they all drank into the night and trashed the place to an Irish jig by the Irish harp playing angels.

14. So as Christ was born in a manger he was given fleece from the shepherds, gold, frankincense, and myrrh from the magi, and a private concert from Metallica.

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And everyone had their eardrums blasted that they were afflicted with tinnitus the next morning which the baby Jesus cured thus performing his first miracle.

15. So Jesus was born in an igloo in Bethlehem as God’s snowman incarnation on Earth.

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Of course, I’m still wondering how Frosty the Snowman fits into this.

16. Jesus was born before the quack of dawn.

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Still, I wonder if the Mary and Joseph geese are taxidermy or not for they certainly look hideous.

17. A nativity scene that doubles as a set of bowling pins.

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Seriously, I wonder if God is supposed to be the bowling bowl that comes with the set. Oh, well, so we can only play 9 pins with it.

18. So Jesus came to free us from sausage and deliver us from bacon.

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Seriously, even the animals are pigs. Doesn’t look kosher at all.

19. Silent night, spooky night.

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Would be the perfect nativity scene for Nightmare Before Christmas fans and can also be used as a Halloween decoration.

20. The nativity scene for stoners in which baby Jesus will grant you eternal life as a 7/11 burrito.

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And I’m not sure what Mary and Joseph remind me of. Wizards’ hats?

21. O, little town of Bearthlehem.

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Of course, the three wise men brought stolen picnic baskets instead of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

22. A moose holy night.

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Seriously, why does the Virgin Mary have antlers? Female moose don’t have them.

23. A nativity cookie cutter set. I wonder what could go wrong with that.

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Reminds me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm Christmas episode when Larry David ate the cookie nativity scene, including the cookie Baby Jesus.

24. So Mary and Joseph stayed at a stable in Bethlehem Hawaii, where she gave birth to her firstborn tiki.

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For God’s sake, why does Saint Joseph have a Hawaiian shirt on?

25. Never before has the Nativity of Jesus has been so sweet as on cupcakes.

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Won’t be able to resist those, no way. And they’re chocolate, too.

26. So the baby Jesus was hatched and lay in the manger on the polar ice.

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It’s like a nativity scene meeting March of the Penguins.

27. Let’s just face it, live nativity scenes are really for the dogs.

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Admit it, no matter how sacrilegious this is, you’d still see a live dog nativity scene in your neighborhood. I mean who can resist this much cuteness?

28. A nativity scene only fit for a bar.

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Of course, you got to give some kudos on the creativity.

29. Glory to God, the newborn chick.

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Joseph is probably worried about having to wake everyone up in the morning after all the clucking the angels have been doing.

30. Joy to the World, the Smore has come.

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The marshmallow figures can also be imagined as snowmen for there are similarities.

31. Even Santa Claus bows to the manger scene in adoration.

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For God’s sake, I think Santa is planning to eat the Holy Family as part of his snack. Run, Mary and Joseph, run for your lives and take Jesus with you! Santa’s hungry!

32. Christ was born to absorb all the suffering from sin and redeem the world. So maybe a tampon manger scene is on to something.

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Okay, I may be crossing the line there. Still, despite what a tampon is for, this doesn’t look that family unfriendly at all.

33. Rubber Duckie Nativity set: teaching the meaning of Christmas through making bath time so much fun.

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Seriously, rubber duckie farm animals? How crazy is that?

34. No wonder the Holy Family couldn’t get any rest.

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Donkey must’ve been annoying the crap out of them all night.

35. The Holy Family under the sea.

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The Holy Family as mermaids, never heard that one before.

36. If Jesus was born in a barn in Bethlehem, Texas, the Bible Belders wouldn’t shut up about it.

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Seriously, why do all the wise men look like ranch hands?

37. This chocolate nativity scene is good enough to eat.

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Note to self: Must not eat until January.

38. Santa goes down on one knee to behold the Lord on the living room table.

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Seriously, this Santa is giving me the creeps.

39. The baby Jesus is visited by the Wizard Gandalf and his unicorn.

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Hey, I was joking. Still, sorry Lord of the Rings fans.

40. Let this Holy Family fiber optic nativity scene bring you back to the disco years.

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The person behind this must’ve been stoned out of his mind to design this. Probably on brown acid or something.

For more:

http://www.goingjesus.com/cavalcade.shtml

http://whyismarko.com/2012/the-42-worst-nativity-sets/

From Buzzfeed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/fjelstud/the-most-awesomely-inexplicable-nativity-scenes

http://www.holytaco.com/25-ridiculously-awesome-nativity-scenes/

O Tannenbaum, on the Christmas Tree

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The scrawny little Charlie Brown Tree, made infamous by the Peanuts Holiday Special, A Charlie Brown Christmas. However, unlike the cartoon, giving a little love to this tree won’t make it the Christmas tree of your dreams.

Of course, the Christmas tree is one of the pinnacle Christmas decorations which entails taking an evergreen and decorating it with lights, ribbons, ornaments, and fancy doodads. Of course, Christmas trees were of pagan origin once used to celebrate a winter solstice holiday in the Germanic region before crossing over to Christianity. And even then, they were only a German tradition until the reign of Queen Victoria, especially after her marriage to Prince Albert who helped popularize the tradition worldwide, (especially in areas controlled by the British Empire). Ever since, the Christmas tree has become a definitive symbol of Christmas as well as one erected every public place in America during the holiday season. Of course, while many Christmas trees are beautiful and spectacular to behold, others are not so much. So without further adieu, I’ll show you pictures of some of the tackiest trees of the season as well as give you tips on how to get the perfect Christmas tree.

1. Either chop down an evergreen or get an artificial tree that looks like one (if you either don’t want to or building regulations won’t let you).

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I know that making a Christmas tree out of used beer bottles may be more environmental friendly than the two traditional routes. Yet, no matter how eco-friendly such an idea is, people are going to see it as only appropriate for a frathouse.

a. If artificial, make sure your tree is green.

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Sure I may be dreaming of a White Christmas. A white Christmas tree? Not so much.

b. If live, make sure it looks like a Christmas tree and fits in your house.

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This apparently does neither.

2. Stand your Christmas tree upright on a stand (Upside down trees are impossible to water and difficult to put ornaments on).

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Upside down Christmas trees may seem funny but they look utterly ridiculous, especially when used as a chandelier.

3. Choose a decent tree topper (a ribbon, angel, or star will do).

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Flamingos may be appropriate lawn ornaments, but they are overwhelmingly tacky tree toppers for this very reason.

4. Don’t be a sloppy decorator.

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I can’t see how this could be a nice tree which seems so crappily done. Of course, they don’t call it “Christmas Craptackular” for nothing.

5. If you’re doing a theme, choose a decent one.

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I’m not sure if a clown pez-dispenser theme cuts it. For God’s sake, it’s creepy.

6. Make sure your tree isn’t buried in ornaments that people could see it.

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A Christmas tree that can only be seen in a Liberace fever dream.

7. Go easy on the tinsel.

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Seriously, this is too much tinsel. I mean way too much tinsel.

8. There are some things that won’t look good on a Christmas tree.

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Bird feathers make this tree especially hideous.

9. Keep it as PG as possible (Christmas is for family after all).

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I’m not sure if this makes the cut depending on the audience.

10. Make sure the tree doesn’t take over your house.

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Seriously, how does this guy get around that thing?

11. Remember to take proper care of your tree, especially if live.

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Apparently this tree’s owners didn’t. Makes a Charlie Brown Tree look vibrant by comparison.

12. Use bows and ribbons in moderation.

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That’s way too many bows. Seriously, way too many bows and they look so gaudy.

13. If artificial, don’t use one from a designer.

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Seriously, this is one of the most hideous trees I’ve ever seen. It just looks terrible and you know this was done by a professional. People are better off decorating their trees themselves.

14.Make sure your tree isn’t scary looking.

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Merry Christmas from Transylvania where our trees are among the creepiest you’ve ever seen.

15. Make sure your Christmas tree looks as symmetrical as possible.

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Dr. Seuss called, he wants his Christmas tree back for one of his children’s books.

16. Make sure you can see the ornaments if you choose to use other decorations.

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With the amount of multicolored tinsel streamers here, it’s easy to picture this tree standing in Elton John’s living room.

For More:

http://www.holytaco.com/25-hideous-christmas-trees/

Worldwide Christmas Tree Contest: http://treecontest.worldwidechristmas.com/

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/80453966/

Decorating with Christmas Lights

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My family has been one of the few in my neighborhood who doesn’t decorate the house with Christmas lights since we’re kind of low maintenance and don’t think having a festive house is worth a trip to the emergency room (as my dad says “No way in hell”) or the money and time. However, there are plenty of people who look forward to the Christmas season so they can decorate their houses like this. Perhaps Christmas is an excuse for people to use such outlet for artistic expression and draw attention to onlookers. Some are spectacular and tastefully done while others can make you wonder if the person has more Christmas decorations than he or she knows what to do with. Of course, I can go on with bringing you light displays tastefully done but since this is the internet, no one wants to see nice Christmas light displays because well, because good yuletide lighting is so subjective so I’ll show pictures of the garish looking houses while giving you do’s and don’ts on lighting decorations even though I’m no expert on these things.

Do: Have plenty of light bulbs to spare.

Don’t: Use all your Christmas light bulbs at once.

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Chances are, this guy did use them all at once.

Do: Try to please everyone.

Don’t: Just try pleasing yourself and the power company.

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I’m sure the local power plant workers drive by this house knowing that its energy usage will pay for their Christmas bonus.

Do: Aim for the minimum.

Don’t: Be too minimal.

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Could barely see this, even with it all lit up. Seriously, these people need a better display than that.

Do: Try to blend in with the neighbors.

Don’t: Turn decorating into a competition.

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I sense a decorating war going on here.

Do: Try to be as organized with storing your light strands as possible.

Don’t: Leave your strands in a tangled mess, especially on the roof.

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I guess some people don’t know when to keep going.

Do: Try to stock on Christmas light decorations.

Don’t: Have more Christmas light decorations than you know what to do with.

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Seriously, I think these people have that problem.

Do: Spend time perfecting your Christmas light display.

Don’t: Do a sloppy job.

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Either these people were too lazy to fix it or their light display was knocked up by the storm. Nevertheless, doesn’t look right and very sloppy.

Do: Accessorize.

Don’t: Accessorize to excess.

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Jesus, how do the owners manage to get in or out? Hope they have a back door.

Do: Try to create a proper arrangement with your decorations.

Don’t: Place your decorations inappropriately.

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This may be funny to look at but parents will complain if their kids see it.

Do: Be creative.

Don’t: Go beyond a G or PG rating. (Honestly, there will be kids in some of those cars.)

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Santa Claus taking a whiz. I’m sure parents will complain about that. Still, pretty funny.

Do: Try to make it visible during the daytime.

Don’t: Bury your house or yard in the decorations.

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Seriously, there doesn’t seem to be any room on the yard and the house is nearly buried in blow up figures.

Do: Decorate your outside trees.

Don’t: Do it without adhering to standards of decency.

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Please don’t ask me what this palm tree reminds me of. Please don’t.

Do: Try to improvise if you can’t find what you’re looking for.

Don’t: Use a beer case for a manger.

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Where making do with what you have doesn’t apply.

Do: Try to stand out.

Don’t: Be a distraction to drivers.

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Certainly will be a distraction to drivers since it stands out so much.

Do: Express yourself.

Don’t: Have your display contain violent imagery.

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A hanging reindeer from a tree with blood spurting out of it. Not a good idea.

Do: Shine and be festive.

Don’t: Blow the power grid.

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This will cause a power outage for sure.

For More Tacky Light Displays:

Ugly Christmas Lights.com: http://www.uglychristmaslights.com/ – A whole site devoted to tacky Christmas displays.

One from Fairfax, VA called Holly’s Tacky Christmas Lights: http://www.fairfaxchristmaslights.com/

From Huffington Post which also has tacky Christmas Trees: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/08/tacky-christmas-lights-photos-videos_n_2260824.html

Christmas Music: The Good, the Bad, and the Annoying

Of course, it’s that time of year when many radio stations deviate from their usual set up and start playing Christmas songs on the radio regardless of what everyone else thinks or believes in. Sure they may be annoying but not all of them are bad. So in order to evaluate I’ll come up with a system on which Christmas songs I think are good, bad, or just plain annoying after hearing them all the time. Now here are my evaluations for Christmas songs.

The Good

Many traditional Christmas songs I’d put in this category since many of them are over 100 years old and we still play them. I’d especially reserve many traditional religious Christmas songs like “O Come All Ye Faithful,” “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear,” “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” “Angels We Have Heard on High,” “The First Noel,” and “O Holy Night.” Of course, Christmas has always been a religious holiday celebrating the birth of Christ but even public school children play these songs (like I did in band from fourth grade to high school) since the melodies are so pretty. And let’s just say these songs have so much cultural and musical value that no one’s going to care whether these violate the separation between church and state (well, almost no one). In fact, as long as it’s good Christmas music, I don’t care if it’s played in public schools since many of the recent secular Christmas music has a good chance of sucking anyway.

Classical music with Christmas songs also belong here like The Nutcracker Suite, “Patta Pan,” “Ukranian Bell Carol,” and “Ave Maria.” These are beautiful melodies and I see no reason why anyone shouldn’t be made to listen to them.

Many recent Christmas songs like “Let It Snow,” “Winter Wonderland,” “White Christmas,” “Jingle Bell Rock,” “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” or “Walking Around the Christmas Tree” since many of them have been treasured for generations and aren’t overwhelmingly annoying. Besides, many are also in Christmas canon.

I’d also put many funny Christmas songs in this category as well since I always like a good laugh now and then. Some of the songs from Stephen Colbert’s Christmas special are hilarious like “Another Christmas Song,” “Little Dealer Boy,” “There Are Far Worse Things to Believe In,” and “Cold, Cold, Christmas.” I’d also like to add “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” since it has so many clever insults, the spoof of that Nat King Cole song talking about roasting critters, the one about a girl wanted a hippo for Christmas (though real hippos are perhaps among the most aggressive and dangerous animals on the planet), and others.

The Bad

“Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”- the Bruce Springsteen version is particularly bad since he sounds constipated singing it.

“All I Want for Christmas Is You”- decent song until the music video featuring Justin Bieber came along.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”- I actually had to learn this in music class in elementary school and even then I thought it was kind of messed up. The kid basically sees his mother making out with Santa Claus which may cause the boy to either think his mother’s been cheating on his dad or (far more likely) that Santa is actually his dad and doesn’t exist. Nevertheless, his Christmas is ruined and he’ll spend significant time in therapy as an adult.

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”- when you really think about it, this is a really sick song trying to make light of something not funny at all. I mean it’s about an old woman who gets killed being run over by Santa Claus while walking home after getting drunk on Christmas Eve. Seriously, do any of you know how many people get killed during the holidays from drunk driving accidents?

“Baby It’s Cold Outside”- this is pretty messed up, too, and may romanticize date rape. A man tries to convince a woman to stay at his house for unspeakable activities while she really wants to leave. Apparently the guy doesn’t get that no means no and does anything he can to keep her there. Jerk. Still, since this was probably recorded in the 1950s, I don’t think he’d have access to roofies since they were a 1970s product. Nevertheless, it’s pretty creepy and misogynistic and there are plenty of YouTube videos on this.

“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” -a Christmas song to make us feel guilty about starving children in Africa, apparently not one many people would want to hear.

“Christmas Don’t Be Late”- a song by Alvin in the Chipmunks which explains why the Nat King Cole parody “Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire” is so goddamn funny. Seriously, this song is torture and I wonder if they use it at Gitmo during the holidays.

“Christmas Shoes”- it’s like the Christmas song equivalent to a Thomas Kinkade painting, in a way his reputation is known to art students. I listened to this song once and it’s just so saccharine and badly written. Same goes for other Christmas songs.

“Santa Baby”- hmm, so the girl in this song treats Santa Claus like he’s her sugar daddy and willing to bang him to get whatever she wants. Perhaps she should just forget about banging Santa and marry a Wall Street banker if she’s such a gold digger. Also, her sexually suggestive references to Santa are kind of disturbing.

“Jingle Bells”- well, perhaps it’s one of the more annoying songs but if you read some of the lesser known verses, you find that this isn’t the innocent Christmas carol you thought it was. Sure it’s about youthful fun but sometimes this song makes light on what you’d call a reckless driving incident shown here:

“A day or two ago
I thought I’d take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
We got into a drifted bank
And then we got upshot”

Then there’s another verse where he falls out of his sleigh and his rival just laughs at him. In the original version there’s another when he’s giving his friend advice on how to pick up girls, find a faster horse, and take off at full speed, obviously not learning his lesson on led to his problems in the first place. Some things haven’t changed since 1857.

Many country songs pertaining to Christmas tend to fall into this category since they could range from either depressing like John Denver’s “Please, Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk for Christmas” to the obnoxiously political which I don’t want to go into. These songs either make me feel annoyed, depressed, or angry.

The Annoying

“The 12 Days of Christmas”- not a bad song but kind of too long and not appropriate for a Christmas concert.

“Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer”- sweet kids’ song but I’ll eventually get sick of it by the time Christmas rolls around.

“The Little Drummer Boy”- never really liked this song and played it in band once, have been fed up with it ever since.

“Frosty the Snowman”- will be in my head for days on end to the point of driving me crazy. Has also been done to death.

“Dominick the Donkey”-this is one deriving from Italy yet might be best used to divert intruders. It’s just so annoying that it drives me insane.

“All I want for Christmas Is My Two-Front Teeth”- might have liked the song when I was a kid but now can only tolerate it being played once a year.

“Feliz Navidad”- just don’t get me started.

The Definitive Holiday Gift Guide on What Not to Buy for Kids

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On my last post I wrote about what not to give adults for Christmas in the wake of the holiday season. This time I focus on the kids since they are a whole different category to themselves and are much easier to buy for. For one, Children usually know what they want for Christmas and you can always consult their parents on what would make a good gift. Not to mention, you can be consulted on what’s safe for them. Besides, even if you don’t give them exactly what they want, the good ones usually get over it. Nevertheless, Christmas is a holiday that usually markets to children anyway. However, there are plenty of toys out there that I’m sure no parent would want their kids to have or children wouldn’t want in the first place. Here is a list of some of the worst toys one should never buy for children.

1. My Cleaning Trolley

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Of course, I’ve never been into cleaning and I don’t think a toy would ever encourage me to do that. Nevertheless, I think this wouldn’t be a bad toy to give a child if this product wasn’t marketed to just girls as well as didn’t take the form of a janitorial set. I don’t see anything against promoting household chores in the toy world but even toy kitchens can still be more gender neutral. Yet, this doesn’t seem very gender neutral to me as well as resembles something more associated with a public, commercial, or industrial building than what anyone would have in their home. Encouraging girls how to clean is fine, encouraging girls to be cleaning ladies, well, I’m not sure if that’s going to bode well especially if it’s in stores in ethnic and racial minority communities.

2. Lil’ Monkey

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This is just racist, plain and simple. Anyone who’s black and/or knows anything about American history would see why this toy shouldn’t be on the shelves. Comparing blacks to monkeys has always had negative connotation in one of the worst racist forms. And this didn’t just happen in America, but also in much of western civilization, especially during colonization. This isn’t cute, it’s insulting. I mean really who makes this kind of shit?

3. Playmobil Security Checkpoint

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This is disturbing. I mean a security checkpoint toy set? Really, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I guess this is something to desensitize them when they go to an airport, school, or some government building. Seriously how can you encourage creative play with that without worrying about your child’s imagination? Look, how much real security has their minds run wild. Still, at least it doesn’t have a full body scan that they used after the Underwear Bomber. Also, it’s $60.

4. Pole Dancer Doll

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Yikes! How did this doll ever get to be made? Sure being a stripper is a career choice for many parents but that doesn’t mean there should be a doll to encourage it. Even stripper parents don’t want their kids becoming strippers because they have awful lives. Not only that but it also sexualizes young girls in ways I can’t even describe especially since the doll looks like a little girl herself.

5. Gasoline Powered Audi Two Seater Car for Kids

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Really? A gas powered car for kids? Unbelievable. I have nothing against toy cars but there’s absolutely no way in hell I’d buy that for any kid. For one, it’s about $14,000, which is more than many real life cars as well as many other more important gas powered products like lawn mowers. Second, it uses gas for energy which means it will probably pollute the skies. Third, it’s an accident waiting to happen with its maximum speed of 13 MPH and as street legals as a lawn mower.

6. Lightning Reaction Extreme

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I had a lot of games when I was a kid. However, I don’t think I’d like playing this one but it might have been useful for me if my parents knew I was ever going to do Quiz Bowl. Still, I don’t think this game could translate into family fun unless it’s in a sado-masochistic way if you know what I mean. Otherwise, what you’d mostly hear are kids screaming by the end. There are two versions of this game, one in which only the slowest player gets shocked and the other where everyone else but the fast player gets shocked. I don’t know but I don’t see electrocution as anything fun to endure and maybe border around child abuse. Seriously, what sadistic bastard would think otherwise?

7. Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring

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Or according to the Huffington Post: “Way to take a game that is ages old and barely fun and add unnecessary plastic.” Couldn’t said it better myself.

8. Breastfeeding Baby Doll

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Though this doll doesn’t really promote sexualizing young girls and uses flowers instead of nipples, perhaps it’s disturbingly a little too close to home. Well, other than the girl wearing the halter top over her outfit but still little doll babies suckling and moving its mouth seems a little disturbing. Girls, I get that you want to feed your baby doll like your mommy feeds your baby siblings but this is ridiculous. Tagline reads “Because you shouldn’t have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby.” Many parents would think otherwise.

9. Tongue Kissing Pops

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Sure there are plenty of candy toys but this one is downright inappropriate enough which consists of animal heads with a tongue shaped lollipop coming out. Even more disturbing that these have animal heads which not only may encourage your kids try getting to second base but perhaps experimenting with bestiality. And lord knows how that could go wrong.

10. Video Girl Barbie

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This is a toy in which the Barbie doll has a video camera placed between her breasts which is capable recording about a 30 minute video. Sure there’s nothing wrong about trying to foster a young girl’s interest in filmmaking, especially with the lack of female Hollywood directors and cinematographers out there. However, before you get this, take heed from the FBI that in the wrong hands (think pedophile) this doll can be used as “a possible child pornography production method.” Of course, so could any video production product.

11. McDonald’s Drive-Thru Playset

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As if McDonald’s isn’t trying to corrupt kids’ appetites with Happy Meals already. Now they market these so your kid may be willing to work for them sometime in the future. Yet, as HuffPo said, “You have to give them credit for trying to secure their workforce as early as possible.” Still, doesn’t capture the reality of working for McDonald’s, yet at least it’s not like encouraging kids to be strippers or anything though not by much. Actually this goes for any McDonald’s toy product.

12. Play-Doh Dr. Drill n’ Fill

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Of course, this might encourage your kid to become a dentist and promote a healthy and active lifestyle. But teaching them this by associating fun with gouging out cavities? Really, that’s disgusting. Then again, I’m sure real dentists may feel the same way except that a mouthful of cavities may equal a trip to the Bahamas.

13. Barbie and Her Dog Tanner

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Perhaps it’s about time Mattel used Barbie to teach young girls how to care for your dog. However, as someone who lives in the country, I don’t think a pooper scooper is necessary in my neck of the woods. When a dog craps outside where I live, you just leave it where the plops where they lay. Still, since I played with Barbies as a kid, I bet I would’ve gotten one of these (since my Uncle Mike and Aunt Rosemary gave us a jellybean pooping reindeer one year, don’t ask.)

14. Roadkill Toys

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Really? Is this a joke? Sure stuffed animals may be a good gift for kids but a plush dead animal shouldn’t even be considered. Besides, I think these toys are more for adults since they can leave kids traumatized, especially very young ones.

15. Playskool in the Night Garden Goodnight Friend Upsy Daisy

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The product’s description says, “Her working daisy light gives off a gentle glow to encourage your little one to settle down for bed, too.” Of course, I’m not sure if she’ll do that or give your little one nightmares in the process since this monstrosity looks like she’s crawled from a demonic fever dream with her glow powered by the souls of unsuspecting children. And she’s supposed to be cute and cuddly? More like terrifying even by the Addams Family standards. Your kid may have one eye open if he or she is interested in self-preservation.

16. Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo Doll

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Basically a baby doll that constantly craps itself and brings your little girl all the disgusting parts about parenthood. I’m sure your daughter will enjoy having to change the baby doll’s diaper but please they may want to put lemonade and beef for more realistic effects (she probably won’t.) Still, I couldn’t imagine having a baby doll like this as a kid and think that a doll which urinates and defecates is more or less suited for boys than young girls. Also, when it comes to baby dolls, some things are just best left to the imagination.

17. Stuffed STD’s

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Look, just because it’s a plush toy, doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for children and these toys sort of show the reason why. For one, these toys make a terrible thing seem so cute and cuddly, well, not really. Second, they could potentially traumatize them into a lifelong virginity. I’m perfectly fine with educational toys but I don’t know in this context, which kind of makes me gag.

18. My First Tattoo Gun

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My sister has designed tattoos in the past and this might’ve come in handy if this was available when we were kids. Still, it’s pretty innocent compared to the real thing since the tattoos are easily removable with some hot soapy water. However, not many people are perfectly fine with little kids having a product like this especially since the tattoos are associated with rednecks, sailors, punks, and Neo-Nazis.

19. Doggy Doo

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This is a game about watching a dog crap which you’d have to clean up after. Really? A game to teach kids how to clean up after a dog? Of course, this may serve purpose in more populated areas with such ordinances whereas people where I live would just laugh and laugh because there no one ever cleans up after their dogs going outside. Just take the dog out, let it do its business, and leave. And on a walk, just give a dog a break and go on your way. You just let Mother Nature take care of disposal methods. Seriously, who comes up with these ideas?

20. Her First High Heels

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Really? Sure I like a cute baby in a pretty little dress but still, not high heels please. Seriously can you imagine trying to stand up in high heels? I may wear them but I’m an adult and making little babies wear high heel shoes is just one of the most irresponsible acts a parent could do. I mean who the hell put these on the market?

21. Playmobil Hazmat Figurine Playset

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Seriously, are the people at Playmobil are on drugs or something? I mean how can playset around cleaning hazardous waste be fun? It’s not fun, it’s awful since people have to wear hazmat suits. I mean the possibilities are endless here with letting kids imaging a nuclear meltdown, a toxic waste dump, a Superfund site, or pollution of hazardous chemicals. Please can’t we not have playsets relating to something like Chernobyl or Bhopal?

22. Shape-Shifter Punisher

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Of course, many comic book superheros have their own merchandise like action figures that sometimes transform into something else. There may not be anything objectionable about The Punisher other than his use of violence but this is an inappropriate character design that I don’t think boys should have. Apparently he’s not the only action figure who has this problem.

23. Shave the Baby Doll

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This one is from Japan but the designer must’ve been on some strong brown acid from Woodstock to come up with this. Really? First off, babies aren’t really that hairy. Second, the baby doll has hair in places like an adult person would have which is gross and more appropriate for Eddie Munster’s 3 year-old-sister if he ever had one. This freakish thing looks like the result of a female leprechaun mating with Bigfoot. Still, at least it’s a girl doll. Would more or less resemble a leprechaun Sasquatch if it were a boy. Yet, in this case, at least doll hair never grows back.

24. Remote Control Lederhosen

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Just what a kid needs, a pair of dancing and yodeling ghost pants controlled by a knockwurst bound to give any child nightmares. Really who the hell comes up with the idea? Or was this made for adults? Still, children are going to get freaked out on this. I’m kind of terrified of it now.

25. She-Male Dolls

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These are from Russia which have the male genitalia combined with the long flowing hair associated with females. Seriously, who the hell thinks of such ideas like this. I don’t think hermaphrodite baby dolls are what a little girl wants since they may make them feel a little confused about why their cute little blond doll has a schlong. Are they just doll versions of hair band musicians from the 1980s? Or are they just little boy dolls being raised as girls since their mother wanted a daughter so badly? Or are they just hermaphrodites? Man, this can go on for ages. Besides, anatomically correct dolls are never a good idea, especially on dolls that may be intersex hermaphrodites or just plain transvestites. Nevertheless, looks so creepy. Seriously, Russia, you have some serious issues.

In case I missed any:

From the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/12/worst-christmas-gifts-for-kids_n_1143639.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/02/worst-toys-for-girls_n_701063.html?ref=stupid-products#s133018title=Princess_Maid

From Student Beans.com: http://www.studentbeans.com/picture/look-at-his-lovely-little-moustache-aww-.html

From Heavy: http://www.heavy.com/comedy/2012/12/the-20-worst-kids-toys-ever/

The Definitive Holiday Gift Guide on What Not to Buy

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Now that Thanksgiving has come upon us, I now feel free to write my posts pertaining to the Christmas season and I have plenty of ideas. I will devote the first in my holiday series on Christmas gifts, in particular what not buy for your loved ones for Christmas. Of course, I must confess I am not a great gift giver. I’m not the most socially adept, hate shopping, and tend to be stingy with my money when it comes to others. Not to mention, I’m not sure how the gift card thing works either. Then again, I mostly shop for adults who are basically hard to buy for and aren’t really sure what they want anyway. Still, despite being a socially awkward cheapskate, I try my best to please or at least not make anyone upset with me. Still, I could do worse than some people and there are some things I know not to buy for my loved ones or for anyone else really. So here is a list of gifts I’d deem inappropriate, offensive, impractical, inexcusable, and sometimes downright Christmas gifts anyone could give someone. Don’t buy these for anybody if you dare.

1. Banana Bunker

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I could never think of a plastic container so useless, so much of waste of good plastic, or good money as this. Sure it’s made to protect your precious banana from turning into mush in your backpack, but could cost as much as like $10-$16 to protect something that costs about 25¢. Also, bananas already come in a protective casing called a peel which does rather nicely. And it’s not like you can use this for other products unlike tupperware containers which kind of does the same thing. Besides, it’s such a ridiculous product that Stephen Colbert devoted a segment of his show on one of these.

2. Mourning Stones

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I don’t think buying a bunch of mourning stones so the receiver can pay tribute to a dearly departed loved one’s gravestone and mark visitation, especially if made out of stone quartz. Besides, mourning stones aren’t very much into the festive spirit of the holidays. Also, not everyone uses mourning stones while visiting graves and if so, they usually use regular stones where you can find basically anywhere like your driveway, garden, the ground, or any other place you could think of. And they’re usually free.

3. Exotic Toad Skin Purse

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All right this one comes from Australia but it’s one you can customize whether to have the legs on or off. As to why anyone would want one, I don’t have the slightest idea. Still, these come from the skin from actual cane toads which makes me want to puke. Seriously, it’s one thing that people once made purse from alligator skin before it became those animals became endangered. And toads aren’t really the most attractive creatures and I don’t think any woman will buy one, let alone a guy who doesn’t use a purse. This concept is disgusting.

4. Lunar Legacy

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How would you like someone to give you this which someone gives your photo and a message of your choice to put on the Google Lunar X Prize space shuttle to deliver to the lunar surface among a community of other moon bound objects and photos? And this all at $10. Really? You can’t see it, read it, or touch it. I mean it’s just as bad as not getting anything. So even though you may feel more comfortable rocketing your emotions into a vacuum of space doesn’t mean you should. The receiver will not be happy, and if it’s your significant other, well, that relationship may be over.

5. Little Joseph Candle Holder

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Basically this is a porcelain baby head candle holder which costs $115. Seriously whoever came up with such an idea must’ve had something terribly wrong with him or her. Sure babies are cute but these holders don’t really inspire cuteness or warm feelings of joy. In fact, they’re not only creepy but incredibly terrifying like they’re lifeless vessels in some kind supernatural horror. Personally they kind of freak me out and may even give me nightmares. I mean would you want these in your house? Neither would I. To even buy these for yourself is crazy, let alone for somebody else.

6. The Face Bank

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Another gift sure to give anyone nightmares. This incredibly creepy and eyeless contraption vaguely resembling a face is said to “chew” your money when you insert it into its mouth slot. Just the though of doing this makes me want to cringe. I don’t want to put my money in that. Seriously, how did this thing ever get made? Please don’t buy this.

7. Belly Button Brush

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Seriously? How is this in anyway practical? Besides, how does anyone need this useless piece of crap? I mean does anyone have crap in their navels? If so, you can always use a shower. It does the job pretty nicely. I can’t find any purpose with this grooming product. Not to mention, the concept is kind of gross.

8. Civet Crap Choice Coffee

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Don’t get me wrong, coffee does make a great gift (since I’ve given my Uncle Frank coffee on many occasions). Coffee made from beans fermented from a civet’s digestive tract, well, it’s disgusting even if it does taste as good as on the label. And I don’t think it’s going to matter if it’s the rarest coffee in the world with only 500 kgs extracted per year. I mean these beans were pulled from shit. Perhaps this is the perfect way to tell someone to eat shit or drink it literally.

9. Chum Bucket Mints

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Of course, candy doesn’t make a bad gift either. However, candy that will give you a breath smelling of assorted fish parts? I think you’d want to pass. Seriously, you might want to go with Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Jellybeans. At least they’re from Harry Potter.

10. Care4Less

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Any fan of Seinfeld would remember the episode when George made up his own charity to get away with buying a gift in the office. Of course, for those not clever as George, there’s a website called Care4less.org which allows you to select one of the site’s six fake charities, enter your name and e-mail as well as the recipient’s and the imaginary amount you’d want to send. The recipient will be notified of the donation made in their name through an e-mail. Among the imaginary charities you have Adopt-A-Banker, Make a Sandwich Foundation, Fathers 4 Mosquitoes, Costume a K9, Leprechaun Leprosy, Lost Geriatric Glasses Fund, Foreskin Restoration Society, and Organ Donation. Still, don’t try this, especially if the recipient is a Seinfeld fan like my mother.

11. Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

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Well, of course, there may be some gifts that are useful and it wouldn’t be terrible to get someone a shower gel dispenser. However, one shaped like a nose, well, I don’t think it’ll go with the decor or shows any good taste. Might be better to get this for yourself if you truly think it’s funny or part of a frat house. Otherwise, I think this is just plain gross and rather juvenile. I mean who wants to use shower gel stored in a giant nostril? Am I right?

12. Blood Bath Shower Curtain

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Well, let’s don’t even think about getting this because this is pretty disturbing. I mean your friend may be into horror films and may have his or her house look like a haunted mansion. However, blood stained shower curtains aren’t a good idea even in that respect. Besides, even if the recipient likes it and uses it, chances are that someone in the house guest is probably going to call the police if he or she uses the bathroom. Believe me, no good can come of this gift.

13. Old Man Purse

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Seriously, even if this doesn’t really resemble and old guy, this is pretty sick and twisted to even consider manufacturing. Seriously, no woman wants a head purse, let alone one resembling an old man. I don’t know why anyone would even buy one. Sick, sick, sick.

14. DVD Rewinder

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Of course, many people do like getting gadgets for Christmas as long as they work. However, I’m not sure if a DVD Rewinder is anything other than a waste of money. I mean, unlike VHS tapes, DVDs don’t need re-winded after you’re done playing with them. If you put them in the next time, they’ll just start at the beginning. Really shitty gift.

15. Fruitcake

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Of course, this is a well known bad Christmas gift nobody likes. My parents once had this with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Rosemary, and even they would wouldn’t eat it unless accompanied with booze. And I guess they woke up with serious hangovers the next morning. Seriously, it may look colorful and you might have baked it yourself, but no one in their right mind would eat it unless they’re drunk or starving.

Links in case I missed any:

From Marie Claire: http://www.marieclaire.com/fashion/trends/bad-holiday-gifts#slide-1

From Esquire: http://www.esquire.com/the-side/worst-gifts/

From Telegraph: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/christmas-picture-galleries/9745586/Worst-Christmas-gifts.html

From Gawker: http://gawker.com/5871383/these-are-the-years-worst-christmas-presents

From NY Daily News: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/bad-holiday-gifts-gallery-1.1220560

On the American Poor

Sometimes I get so pissed off at how people tend to stereotype the poor of this country by labeling them as a bunch of drug addicted freeloaders who don’t wish to do any work and live off government assistance. Sure there may be some poor people who are lazy bums just like anyone else, but there are plenty of rich people whose greed can cause economic destruction at all levels which may outweigh their economic contributions. I may not hate the rich man or his money, I just hate his greed, his unsatisfied appetite for power, and his unwillingness to sacrifice some of his profit for his employees. Not to mention, they also receive government subsidies for their businesses and get tax exemptions which I think is ridiculous. Yet, though I may not always like poor people living off my taxpayer money, I understand they are no threat to me as far as my wallet is concerned. A poor man can’t take my job, my home, or advocate for legislative action against my interests. Besides, even with government assistance, a poor man is still poor but there’s no way to determine whether he’s a lazy bum who won’t find work or whether he just a guy who has no other means of reliable support. And there are more wasteful government spending than on welfare recipients whether they deserve it or not. Poverty doesn’t always equal laziness or joblessness but I always wonder whether Americans bash people on welfare out of ignorance, out of scorn for not being as successful, out of political ideology, to avoid guilt, or because they just simply don’t want to acknowledge their responsibility for the others’ plight. Still, poor people shouldn’t be negatively stereotyped since they’re human beings just trying to survive like everyone else.

The truth is that the poor consists of a diverse bunch who can’t provide enough for themselves for one reason or another. Sure there are many who may not want to find a job but could if they wanted one. However, many or if not the majority of people below the poverty line just don’t fall in to that demographic. Many of them live in areas where a legitimate job may be very difficult to find or the best jobs available are criminal occupations like drug dealing. Then what about people who are ex-cons whose past crimes make them ineligible for employment in most places? What about people who are physically or mentally disabled or infirm? I suppose their conditions aren’t going to help them find any work. What about those chronically ill who can’t leave their homes? What about those who are mentally ill or the homeless documented or otherwise? What about veterans, the elderly, children, or those working a job or two but still can’t pay the rent? What about immigrants? Then there are people who don’t want to find work because a job might prevent them from fulfilling familial responsibilities like rearing kids or tending for a sick relative. Some might even be going to school in order to make themselves more employable. Should they be shamed for wanting government assistance just to make their lives easier? After all, it’s not just the poor who want government money and I don’t tend to think the rich even deserve it yet they have it whether as a result of working hard or otherwise.

As a progressive Catholic, I grew up with that we should look after those most vulnerable and those below the poverty line certainly are. The poor are more likely to die earlier, develop long term health problems at an early age, lose their homes, be victims of crimes as well as perpetrators, grow up in a dysfunctional family, have drug addictions, and land in jail as well as be screwed from the system. Poor children are more likely to grow up without at least one parent or be wards of the state as well as attend an underfunded school. Poor teenagers are more likely to drop out of school, never attend college, and even have kids at an early age. Poor women are especially prone to rape, domestic abuse, and single motherhood with little support. Relationships in poverty stricken areas don’t last while the risk of STDs is high. Poor people very likely tend to live in places where crime and environmental pollution are rampant and jobs are scarce. And even if employed, poor people are more likely to have jobs that don’t pay the rent, run a high risk of injury, don’t offer much advancement, don’t have much job security, and poor working conditions. Not to mention, poor people who work could forget about joining a union because the company may fire them if they did so. And those born in poverty will not be likely to escape from it at least without any kind of assistance.

Yet, who is to blame for poverty? We’d like to think it’s the poor individual themselves but it’s difficult to say. It’s one thing to be a failure due to one’s personal faults despite opportunities available. However, trying to escape from the powerless situation with very few resources and opportunities available is a very daunting challenge. Those in poverty have to work harder and have to take more risks to survive let alone succeed. And though many of them try to make the best decisions or do what they can, whatever they do doesn’t always pay off. Not to mention, plenty of poor people can have a lot of obstacles that aren’t just limited to lack of resources and many of them are difficult to overcome, if not impossible. And even if poor people do work hard, doesn’t mean they’re out of the woods yet. But we also have the rich with their insatiable lust for money and power who are all to willing to fire their own workers in the name of profit, a for-profit healthcare system that excludes those who can’t pay, rising college tuition and a college finance system that may not be adequate, a great income gap between rich and poor, gas well as a public education system funded by property taxes. Also, the notion of a well-paying job is fast becoming a thing of the past for many and many of these business are supported by the notion of low prices on consumer products to satisfy Americans’ love for things.

Nevertheless, regardless of who’s to blame for poverty, it’s a burden for all Americans and society does pay for what ails them. Taxpayers pay the monetary price for many of the problems experienced by people in poverty not just limited to welfare or government assistance. When businesses fail to treat their workers fairly, many low wage workers turn to public assistance. When a poor person is seriously injured or ill in the emergency room, then it’s the insured who foot the bill and rising healthcare costs since many poor people in America can’t afford insurance (at least before the ACA). Furthermore, a sick uninsured poor person in the ER helps contribute to rising healthcare costs and makes healthcare more unaffordable to everyone, at least before Obamacare (and I don’t want to live in a Pre-Obamacare world again which was much worse especially for people in poverty). Whenever a poor area falls prey to environmental disaster, it’ll be the taxpayers who pay for the cleanup, the medical treatment, and the aftermath. And whenever a poor person gets shot or becomes a victim of a crime, you can bet the American taxpayer will pay for not just the medical treatment, but also the legal proceedings, and the prison time. You see, poverty isn’t just bad for the poor, it’s terrible for everyone. Still, though we may think that helping the poor may be a waste of taxpayer money, that’s not always the case since I believe government should help the poor to some degree though can only do so much. Of course, what could be wasting taxpayer money is Americans’ failure to hold accountable those who may be responsible for keeping the poor in the desperate system they’re in.

Of course, I usually reserve the venom for the rich business leaders since I think having workers living under the poverty line in the US is inexcusable and I know many are responsible for it. Also, many business leaders are also responsible for much of the problems in the healthcare system as well as for environmental disasters. I also reserve some blame for the government since they put a lot of poor people in prison since many of them can’t afford a good defense, especially when it comes to drug related crimes. In fact, many state governments devote most of their budgets on incarceration and I’m not sure if I believe in prison any more at least in regards to rehabilitation. Not to mention, I think the government can do a better job with handling poverty if it wasn’t such a highly political issue. Yet, I’d have to say that no one in America is absolutely blameless for creating poverty despite that many of us do give to charity. As consumers, we always want stuff and want it cheap and we may not always by from the company most fair to their workers (like Wal Mart). We’d like to think we owe nothing to our success but we forget how life was like for many Americans before FDR, labor unions, civil rights movements, and the Great Society or how many of us would still be in poverty if it wasn’t for any of them. And let me say, political and social action has helped plenty of people out of poverty in the 20th century. Even still, we don’t even try to do anything for those who make and sell the consumer products we hold most dear and many of them don’t even enter into our thoughts. Yet, it should be apparent that many of these people do live in poverty and do work hard but are treated like crap nonetheless. And if there’s any reason why our taxpayers should help the poor, then it’s them, especially if there are veterans among their ranks. So I ask you all this Thanksgiving, to say a prayer for thanks not just to your loved ones but to those who make your comfortable lifestyle possible such as the migrant farm workers, the low wage earning Asian factory workers, as well as the retail workers who do their jobs on weekends so you can shop all you like. Perhaps it’s time to lend them a helping hand.

Words and Meaning Through Time

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If I ever offended any gays with this picture, I completely apologize since this is just a good picture for this post. Besides, it’s an old-timey advertisement for cigarettes (probably in Britain) and not meant to offend any one. The word “fag” as the short form of an offensive homophobic slur is a more recent development.

While I discussed how certain sayings don’t always translate well in different cultures, in this post I will devote to certain words and their acquired meanings through time particularly in English, especially those with certain unsavory NSFW connotations attached since many of them are fun to trace. Though many words have lasted for centuries, some of them could be considered offensive in one generation while totally harmless the next and vice versa. Misplaced context might incite in giggles, shock, or a “Huh?” followed by “Oh, okay.” Others may have certain dirty little etymologies. So without further adieu, let me show you the amusing little way words have changed meaning through time.

1. Gay- we all know that its present meaning refers to someone who’s of homosexual orientation but this definition dates to the 1930s and before then was only used in gay and theatrical subcultures, at one time it was described as “happy, carefree, joyful” but this was only dating to the late 1800s and was used only among New York criminals before that, it’s original meaning is actually prostitute (and yes, it was used in 1900 to describe a gay male prostitute but only briefly before it started meaning homosexuals in general.)

2. Queer- of course, this is now seen as a slur directed against gay people though it’s the “Q” in the LGBTQ community and perhaps used among themselves (like how blacks use the N-word). Before then, it meant “strange, odd.”

3. Idiot, Moron, Imbecile- these started as clinical terms to describe someone as dumber than Forrest Gump. As they fell into the general insult terms of today they were replaced by a kinder, gentler term: “retarded.”

4. Retarded- a former clinical term once used as a political correctness measure to describe someone who’s mentally handicapped, has nowadays evolved to the worst possible word to describe a person with this condition that it’s now almost considered hate speech.

5. Lesbian- before it became to mean a woman with a homosexual orientation  due to is association with the ancient Greek poet Sappho as well as her sexual behavior, it just meant “someone from Lesbos.” Actually anything associated with Sappho will be associated with lesbianism because she’s known more for that than her own poetry, sad to say.

6. Making Love- now a more discreet euphemism for sexual intercourse, this has meant everything romance and courtship to making out and PDA.

7. Faggot- once meant a bundle of sticks tied together and used for a fire before it became a homophobic slur. How it came to be a anti-gay slur, no one knows.

8. Weird- before it meant “sort of generally eccentric,” its original definitions were “scary” or “supernatural.”

9. Shag- once meant a tobacco product, now just means sex.

10. Boner- originally meant “embarrassing and/or major blunder” now it’s just something old guys get for four hours after taking Viagra.

11. Violent- at onetime this was defined as “overly emotional” yet we still associated with “blood, guts, killing, as well as psychological and bodily harm.”

12. Straight- though still means “totally linear” or “less funny guy in a comedy act” it also used to denote “law-abiding” and “clean,” now it means “heterosexual.”

13. High- though it still means “upward” it also used to mean “happy” before it obtained its current definition “in a drug influenced haze.”

14. Boob, Boobie- used to mean “dummy” before it took on it’s current definition of “breast” in the 1970s.

15. Hung- when used as an adjective, it used to be “hungover,” “executed through strangulation,” or “lynched.” Now it just means something sexual.

16. Glory Hole- once meant “a mineral rich trench pit.” Now it’s something else entirely.

17. Pleasure- has a lot of multiple meanings like “getting enjoyment out of doing something,” or “pleased.” Now it’s almost always used in a sexual context.

18. Ecstasy- used to mean “happiness” or “pleasure,” now refers to an illegal recreational drug.

19. Molest- once meant “disturb” or “bothered” now used as a term referring to unwanted sexual contact, particularly with a minor.

20. Fondle- used to refer to innocent or affectionate touching, now it pertains to touching in a sexual or erotic context.

21. Tranny- in British slang it was “transistor radio” while in American slang it was, “automobile transition.” Today it refers to either “transgender” or “transvestite.”

22. Fetish- back in the day it meant something like “totem object associated with a spirit.” Nowadays it refers to an erotic fixation to something that shouldn’t be.

23. Inter-Sexual, Bisexual- both used to mean “unisex,” now the former describes a “hermaphrodite” while the other just pertains someone who “goes both ways” in sexual orientation. (Bisexual has also meant “hermaphrodite” as well.)

24. Courtesan- once meant “courtier” or “court lady” now means “high class prostitute,” “mistress,” or “kept woman.”

25. Intercourse- used to mean “communication between individuals,” now refers to “copulation.”

26. Conversation- once meant “sexual intercourse or intimacy” now pertains to, “social communication involving two or more individuals.” Could also have meant “sexual harassment.”

27. Naughty- once meant “ill-behaved” but though it retains the meaning, it also refers to wayward sexual behavior.

28. Fanny- in more innocent times was a nickname for Frances. Now refers to “rear end” in the US and “female genitalia” in the UK and Australia.

29. Knock Up- at an earlier time it meant “to wake up” (by knocking on the door). Nowadays “to impregnate.”

30. Come Out- in olden days “to be considered an adult who frequents social gatherings” particularly to young women when it came to finding a husband. Now it means “to acknowledge one’s homosexuality to the world.”

31. Titillate- in the early days it might have meant “to tickle” but now means “to excite sexual arousal.”

32. Pussy- though originally used in reference to a cat, can also be used today in referring to either “cowardice” or “female genitalia.” (The latter part usage goes way back since there’s a 1930s song called “My Girl’s Pussy” and I don’t think the guy’s talking about a cat here.)

33. Ejaculate- originally meant “to exclaim or interject” now means something a guy does during sexual intercourse.

34. Abstinence- usually has retained it’s original meaning “to refrain from” but while it was originally used to give up alcohol it now pertains to refraining from sexual intercourse.

35. Cute- used to mean “shrewd and perceptive” but now means “adorable.”

36. Diddle- at one time it meant “to swindle” or “to waste time over trifling.” Can now be a vulgar term “To copulate.”

37. Ass- once meant “donkey” but can be used for “bum” or as a common insult.

38. Thong- originally pertained to strip of leather usually on the sandals, later came to designate a flip flop, and is now referred to as a sleazy and very uncomfortable type of underwear or swimsuit bottom. (Please don’t wear one.)

39. Dick- has always been a nickname for Richard as well as referred to “detective,” but has come to be a slang term for “penis” as well as a common insult term toward a guy.

40. Orgy- originally this described any kind of gross indulgence, but nowadays it mostly describes those of a sexual nature, especially when it refers to groups.

41. Prick- originally meant either “something sharp” or “getting hurt by something sharp” but now could be used in slang for “penis” as well as a common insult term toward a guy.

42. Making Whoopie- in the early 20th century this meant “living luxuriously” now means about the same as “making love” in the dirtiest context.

43. Hypochondria- this word’s meaning has changed dramatically over the years. Though nowadays it refers to unusually excessive concern for one’s health or tendency to fear or imagine having illnesses you don’t actually have but this usage dates back to Victorian times. In ancient Greece, this referred to describe the pain arising from a malarial infection on the liver and spleen. Centuries later its meaning changed to “depression.” And in the mid-20th century was used as a euphemism for other more serious mental illnesses like borderline personality disorder and hebephrenia.

44. Douche- derived from the French word for “shower” and has been described as a cleansing flood of liquid rushing into an orifice. Nowadays, well, it’s a liquid which a woman squirts to wash her privates (and that’s all I’ll say) as well as a common insult term. In usage could mean “an abrupt shock to nerves, emotions, or awareness.”

45. Dyke- originally derived from the Dutch term for “ditch” now means “lesbian.”

46. Yiffer- originally meant “a stout pole used in scaffolding” until the furries came along. (Don’t ask.)

47. Nuclear- used to mean just “central” like in a nucleus before the Atom Bomb, nuclear energy, nuclear weapons, or nuclear disasters.

48. Toilet- used to describe one’s dressing, cleaning, and grooming process. Nowadays it refers to the essential fixture used for relieving oneself which flushes to expel one’s bodily waste.

49. Hump- at one time meant “to exert oneself” or “move swiftly” now is just used as a sex euphemism referring to dog mating rituals. (If you’ve seen what some dogs do with one another, you’ll know what I mean.)

50. Slut- used to refer to a woman who’s “messy looking” now it’s a derogatory term for a sexually promiscuous woman.

51. Sexy- used to describe someone as “obsessed with sex” before it was used to denote someone as “sexually attractive.”

52. Rusty Trombone- while Oscar the Grouch actually meant an oxidized brass instrument, it can also refer to a sex act.

53. Spunk- though it nowadays means “courage, spirit, and determination” it used to be associated with lewd feminine behavior.

54. Fag- once used as a slang term for “cigarette.” Nowadays it’s short for the famous homophobic slur.

55. Vibrator- used to describe a couple of gadgets, one used in a barbershop to foam shaving cream, the other as a massage device to relax, cure headaches etc. Nowadays it’s a gadget that does something completely different.

56. Incontinent- in Shakespeare’s day meant “cease from sexual abstinence.” Now it’s defined as “losing control of one’s bowels.”

57. Butt- once meant “boat.” Nowadays means “rear end” or “end of a cigarette.”

58. Mistress- used to mean the boss’ wife, a female boss, or “Mrs.” in general. Nowadays it refers to the “other woman” in an adulterous tryst.

59. Aroused- used in the past tense to “arise.”  Now it’s just sexual excitement.

60. Condom- was once used as a short form for “condominium.” Now it’s referred to as a contraceptive.

61. Naz, Nazi- in Germany, this was a nickname for Ignaz (Ignatius), until the 1920s.

62. Jap- used to be a nickname for Jasper, but please don’t call anyone this nowadays especially a Japanese person or a Jewish woman. Still, it has a lot more definitions than that.

63. Negro- was once the only decent term to describe blacks until the late 1960s. Now it’s just either a racist or political incorrect term, with the possible exception in Latin America.

64. Spastic- originally it meant “frantic” or “manic” as it still does in the US. But in the UK it’s the equivalent of the R-word.

65. Sod- used to mean “clod of earth” but is now another British insult.

66. Nothing- though usually a harmless word meaning zero, in Shakespeare’s day it referred to a woman’s naughty bits or her virginity. (As in Much Ado About Nothing).

67. Nunnery- let’s just say that when Hamlet told Ophelia “Get thee to a nunnery” he may have meant a different kind of house full of women but not of piety and chastity kind. Also, with Anti-Catholic sentiment growing in England, “nunnery” became an euphemism for “brothel.”

68. Fishmonger- though it could mean “someone who sells fish,” it could also be referred to in Shakespeare’s time as a “pimp.”

69. Dude- though it just means “guy” from the 1960s, it’s older meanings ranged from “city slicker,” “fancy boy,” or “gay blade.” Definitely don’t want to call a guy from the 19th century that because it was considered an insult.

70. Hobby Horse- though it now refers to a child’s plaything, in 1700s, it could either mean “obsession” or “prostitute.”

71. Horns- though it could mean the protuberances of an antelope or reference of sexual arousal (like horny), it could be used as an Elizabethan reference pertaining to a guy getting cheated on signified by a bunny ears gesture.

72. Dork- though since the 1980s it’s a another term for “nerd,” before then it was a slang term for “penis.”

73. Schmuck- its original meaning is “fool” though it allegedly meant “penis.” Of course, it’s probably safe to say it means “dick” which can mean both. Still, you don’t want to call a Jew this.

74. Minion- though we associate with “henchman” it’s originally derived from the French “mignon” referring to certain attractive courtiers of the male specialty.

75. Gunsel- while we may associate it as “gun-wielding hoodlum” but before The Maltese Falcon, it referred to either a young boy kept for sexual purposes or a passive partner in anal intercourse. (And yes, I think one of The Maltese Falcon characters either has or is a gunsel in its original context.)

76. Punk- though it now means someone who’s either a juvenile delinquent, unfriendly homeless kid, or someone from the Punk Rock subculture in much of history it had many unsavory meanings. In Shakespeare’s time, it meant “prostitute, in the 1890s, it was slang to something similar to the original meaning of gunsel.

77. Orchid, Avacado, Testify- all these have a word origin which meant “testicle.” Now these are an exotic flower, a fruit used in guacamole, and to give legal testimony.

78. Funky- though most of us under fifty associate it with the Disco Era or something upbeat you can dance to, it was originally referred to the smell of a woman’s vagina.

79. Rape- though we’re more used to it referring to “sex with an unwilling partner,” there was once a broader context that meant “kidnapping” or “assault.” Could have also meant “kidnapping for sex,” or “marriage” in ancient times whether or not the actual sex was consensual afterwards (though it was probably questionable to say the least.) Also, Alexander Pope’s Rape of the Lock is about a girl getting an unwilling haircut, not actually being raped as we know it. (Seriously it is.)

80. Hooker- though today and for much of history has meant “prostitute” in the old studio wrestling days it meant to describe wrestlers of legitimate wrestling backgrounds so was used as a compliment.