For the love of God, you shouldn’t put Batman’s face on drug paraphernalia. I mean his comics cater to grade school children for Christ’s sake.

That way, the Dark Knight of Gotham City becomes the Dark Knight of your loo. Even if such an object makes it hard for me to take seriously.

Sure I think it might’ve been a good idea on paper. But take fit from me, I don’t think Batman would want to be caught dead driving that thing.

Sure your kid might like it. But that doesn’t stop the fact that Batman seems to be in a rather uncomfortable position.

I think this is kind of disturbing. Nevertheless, at least DC Comics doesn’t hide that Harley Quinn is a terrible role model for girls. Seriously, love isn’t worth dressing up as a supervillain and murdering civilians. And it doesn’t help that the Joker doesn’t pay much attention to her.

I hope they have these for Superman and Batman. Because if they don’t, it would be obviously sexist. Oh, wait, they have 2 of Batman.

Okay, Superman has super powers like super strength, flying, and x-ray vision. So why the hell would he need a utility belt? That’s Batman’s thing.

Now the Flash can move in super high speeds with the aid of beer and donuts. Okay, could anyone possibly think that Homer would make a good Flash? D’oh!

So Superman can now have crazy foam coming right from his mouth for bath time. That’s just disturbing.

Yeah, just what I want in the morning. Waking up with a light flashing into my face.

Yes, I’m sure any woman would want a perfume that was inspired by a crazy clown lady. Seriously, why?

More like a Wonder Woman pimp cup if you ask me. I think it makes more sense to be like Wonder Woman if you bought a small replica of the Goblet of Fire.

To set the record straight, energy drinks are bad for you since they’re loaded with caffeine. Why these ones have superheroes is just very unsettling.

I know that superhero underwear isn’t unusual. However, I think this is ridiculous. No, I don’t want to know what’s in the Riddler’s pants.

If I saw Batman carry one of these in his utility belt, I’d wonder what’s in it or whether he has a problem. Same with other people.

Seems like the kind of attire you’d wear when you’re robbing a bank. Not sure why I’d think that.

The batarang is one of Batman’s signature weapons. However, just because he throws his, doesn’t mean you should throw yours. Seriously, fold up knives aren’t toys.

Yes, I’m fully aware that Batman jewelry exists. But a Batman belly button ring? Seriously, how did that come to exist?

First, why the hell does Superman need a Justice Jogger? Second, I pray to God that the maker’s didn’t have Christopher Reeve in mind when they made this. Because that would be bad.

Really? Watchmen condoms? I’m sure if a guy needed STD protection, he could go to the nearest drug store. Just saying.

To be fair, the Wonder Woman Hello Kitty kind of makes sense. But a Hello Kitty Batman, please. Seriously, he’s meant to inspire fear, not cuteness.

Because nothing makes you look cooler than having a black armor arm against your face. Come to think about it, it’s sure to grab attention. Just not the kind you want.

Sure they’re based on a series of shorts. But these figures are freaky. Seriously, if Aardman wanted to come up with DC figurines couldn’t they just issue Wallace and Gromit dressed as Batman and Robin? That would make more sense.

Sure kids love Batman. But this mean that a Batman rubber duck is appropriate? That’s a good question.

Okay, it’s not bat suit. But it’s Batman inspired. Guaranteed to make people scratch their heads at the office as well as look like an idiot.

Seriously? Most computers have a keyboard. And I’m sure this one is expensive. So why anyone would need to buy it is beyond me.

From the Robot’s Voice: “Despite the endless array of vehicles in the Batcave, a train seems particularly ill-suited to Batman’s needs. First of all, unless criminals commit crime on the train route, it’s not really going to help Batman get there. Second, criminals could very easily follow the tracks back to the Batcave. Maybe this is the preferred mode of transportation for some alternate universe Batman where he’s also a boxcar hobo.”

It’s the kind of gift that says: “I know you like Batman but I didn’t know what to give you. Also, you kind of smell.”

Cones attached to its own jetpack. Or is it a missile? Either way, it looks pretty hilarious.

From What Culture: “This bizarre mix of toys and video games essentially says “to hell with imagination, let us create a world for your toys to play in” (which sucks). What happened to creating worlds in your head and taking your toys in to the garden to have them fight in imaginary jungles, or in to your bedroom to create castles from cardboard boxes for them to play in? This over-reliance on technology for kids to play with toys is just sad. The sets include Riot Cannon Batman, Batarang Strike Batman, EMP Assault Batman and Grapnel Attack Batman, all of which amounts to meaningless drivel.”

Yes, I know it’s a baseball toy. But the marketing on this thing is so wrong. Seriously, couldn’t the makers come up with a product name that’s not a double entendre for a To Catch a Predator joke?

Just you know, this is considered drug paraphernalia that’s illegal in most states. But if you live where it’s legal for recreational use, then you should be able to achieve a Dark Knight high.

Yes, Dick Grayson is Robin. But that doesn’t excuse the shirt designers for leaving the “D” uncapitalized. Or leaving out “Grayson.”

I’m positive this is a kid’s toy. However, we should note the fact that Batman doesn’t like guns.

From What Culture: “Yes, you did actually read that right: The Batman Interactive Hamster House. Your pet rodent can finally live out its fantasy of having a Batman themed home – all you need now is a pet mouse take on the role of Alfred.” Seriously, I don’t think any hamster would be interested in this. But it’s so funny.

From Surfing the Bleed: “Have you never read a Batman comic in your life? Have you never seen a Batman movie, watched a Batman TV show or heck, even listened to Prince’s Batdance? Are you raising a redneck child on a steady diet of McDonald’s, Moutain Dew and lowered expectations? Has that child only heard of Batman through word of mouth and has decided to fashion him into some sort of Evil Knievel meets Dale Earnhardt defender of the Old Days? If so, this is the only Batman toy for you!”

From The Robot’s Voice: “I guess this is more or less to let children experience being the Joker and the joy of bludgeoning someone to death with a baseball bat. On the other hand, if Batman had “died” in Final Crisis and immediately turned into a pile of cheap toys and delicious candy, it really wouldn’t have been weirder than anything else in that series.”

Okay, since Wonder Woman is an iconic woman, then she has to get her own makeup line. Pardon me, but I think such a concept is sexist and stupid.

This special cheese was made from the milk of Kryptonian dairy cows on Superman’s home planet. Just kidding, it’s a cheese that was made through the same process as Velveeta which isn’t cheese at all.

Guess this was inspired by the leg lamp from Christmas Story. Still, these are just crazy if you ask me.

From What Culture: “It even makes a modicum of sense for there to be a Batman version of the toy (particularly if you’re in to collecting all things Mr. Potato Head-related) – but a Mr. Potato Head based on the moody, dark, atmospheric hit movie The Dark Knight Rises? Stupid, just stupid.
It’s a huge juxtaposition to combine the two franchises and a sad mockery of a great film. It’s like trying to sell a Freddy Krueger Care Bear, a Norman Bates Beanie Baby or a Texas Chainsaw Massacre Fisher Price play-set. Although heroic, Batman is a figure of fear – especially Christian Bale’s adaptation – so to represent him in potato form is something of a no-no (and that really should go without saying).”

I have to admit this does look pretty cool. However, it also looks very expensive and something you probably shouldn’t buy. Seriously, this is ridiculous.

From Daily Toast: “Wanting a throw blanket is one thing, and having one which is themed makes some kind of sense. But who in their right mind would want a blanket branded with a terrifying picture of Batman’s most disturbed rival? Is this honestly someone’s vision of a comforting furniture accessory?”

From Daily Toast: “Yet even for those in the crowd who are somehow not worn down by Dreamworks’ apparently lovable yellow misfits, this one seems like a stretch. I can’t imagine there’s a significant crossover between the Minions and Batman fanbases, and somehow both are awkwardly represented in this Frankenstein-esque mishmash.”

From Daily Toast: “Look, DC: you can’t just put a cape and cowl on anything that people buy and suddenly declare it’s worth almost seventy bucks. And is it just me, or does the Batman getup make Mr. Potato Head’s smile look somewhat sinister?”

Yes, I fully support the idea that Christian Bale is the best Batman. However, this doesn’t mean I’d pay $149.99 + shipping for a 1/4 replica of his disembodied head. If there is anyone who would, then I’d think they need to get their head examined.

Sure duct tape is useful and Batman is cool. But admit it, you’ll only use this for decoration. Besides, what the hell would either have to do with each other anyway?

This book examines the parallels existing between Jesus and Superman. Nevertheless, I think this book would be more useful for telling parents that there’s nothing Unchristian about liking superheroes.

Sure it might seem appropriate for children at first. But when you open them, she’s doing splits. You have to wonder why they thought this was a good idea.

From the Robot’s Voice: “It’s clear the good people at Vanity Fair were not comic readers when they made a Batman version of their popular cowboy target game. The concept has you, as Batman, shooting the Joker dead with a revolver. Whether you want to turn yourself into the police or toss yourself off a ledge in the Batcave for breaking your one, solemn rule is entirely up to you.”

From The Fwoosh: “It’s like you were catching a ride with your buddy — if your buddy was a quadriplegic with a spring in his ass. You think slamming car doors or barking dogs are annoying? Imagine some 10-year-old fueled by Kool-Aid and Twinkees jumping up and down outside of your house on this thing all afternoon. Ka-CHUNG! Ka-CHUNG! Ka-CHUNG! Holy crap, somebody invent Space Invaders already!”

Men, now that I’ve planted that idea in your head, listen to me. You might’ve fantasized proposing to your girlfriend with a Batman engagement ring. But for the love of God, don’t do it even if she loves Batman as much as you do. Seriously, there’s a strong chance it might not go like you planned.

Why the hell does Superman need a parachute? He can fly and land safely land on his feet on his own. This toy doesn’t make sense at all.

The Flash on his motorcycle might make sense at first. Until you realize that he can already run at long distances at light speed. Hell., he can even outrun Superman. Can a motorcycle do that? No.

Let me explain how this works. First, you fill it by putting water in Batman’s asshole. Second, after you aim you pump the gun by putting your finger on Batman’s crotch so he could projectile vomit at your target. Why this was promoted as a children’s toy, I had no idea. There’s just nothing right about this whatsoever.

Is it just me or does Batman seem to have his hand on Robin’s butt? Also doesn’t help that Robin isn’t wearing any pants, which makes this even more disturbing.

From Geek Cast Radio: “As if the Snuggie wasn’t bad enough. They have to go ahead and make a “Batman” Snuggie… Yes you look super cool wearing the blanket with sleeves ….all the kids will be totally jealous of your Batman awesomeness *facepalm*”

From 10 Cavalcade of Awesome Years: “Can you imagine pulling into work with this iron monstrosity on your hood? “Bob, I always thought your 1965 Corvette needed something. And I finally figured out what it is, the Superman Hood Ornament. It would really class up that boring old Vette’s hood.” It also can be attached to your bicycle. WHA?! Putting this on a bicycle would be interesting, because a bicycle HAS NO HOOD. Next best place is on your handlebars. Great idea, put a huge sharp metal object right where your face would go if you crash or have to stop suddenly.”

Yes, I know wearing a seatbelt is uncomfortable but even a small child should understand that not wearing a seatbelt in the car is one of the stupidest things they could do. However, when it comes to getting your kid to wear a seatbelt, I don’t under stand how using dismembered superhero hands are supposed to help.

Because nothing brings fond memories like Batman holding the Joker up at his jacket. Yes, great times.

Yes, these are socks with capes. And yes, they’d probably look stupid if you wear them with shoes in public.

Like the socks, these also have capes. Nevertheless, would anyone want to serve drinks in these at a party? Probably not.

This is from the 1960s show. And yes, Batman is wearing trunks over his batsuit. I know it looks so stupid.

Of course, you might have to dial the number you want between her legs. Just think about the implications of that.

Sure a guy is guaranteed to like them. However, he’ll probably have few opportunities to wear them whether he goes to a lot of formal events or not.

Because nothing brings up fond memories than Bane making Batman more of a physical wreck, sending him to a distant prison, and taking over Gotham City. And yes, I remember this because I’ve seen the movie twice.

Yes, they actually have these. And we know that Batman is a rather masculine and menacing figure. Not someone you’d have on a little girl’s toy.

From Goliath: “At least the name of this one sounds useful. Maybe Batman is using infrared technology so he can see bad guys better in the dark, or perhaps locate some far off alien homeworld that poses a threat to Earth. Nope. That would just make too much gosh darn sense. Which is why Infrared Batman is a pile of red and orange plastic that shoots so-called “photon disks” out of some sort of giant garbage can that sits atop his head. Justice never looked so good.”

From Goliath: ” Neon Armor Batman is nothing more or less than the name implies. A Batman that glows neon green—presumably a remnant from Bruce Wayne’s days as a hardcore raver.”

From Goliath: “Sure, Batman has a lot of heavy gear hanging around the Batcave. There’s the Batmobile, the Batwing, the Batcycle, that powered exo-suit he used to beat up Superman. Those are ultimately all non-lethal contraptions that increase his crime fighting power and help him subdue baddies without killing them. Batman doesn’t use guns. That’s always been his style. But apparently the people who made Total Destruction Batman didn’t get the memo, because they figured Bruce Wayne is totally cool with using a massive chaingun and shoulder-mounted missiles to blow away anyone who even thinks about committing crime.”

From Goliath: “When Norton Antivirus just isn’t enough, you need to pick up the Bat-phone and call Anti Virus Bruce Wayne. This guy knows how to handle malware. First, he’s got that awesome flame hula-hoop he must use to provocatively gyrate away any unwanted ads or e-mail spam. Next, he’s got some kind of translucent yellow armor that he probably uses to interface with your hard drive and check it for corrupt code. And finally, one can only assume that giant backpack he’s wearing houses his impressive Bat-Computer—tricked out with an Intel Pentium III processor, 128MB of RAM, and Sound Blaster Live! Cyber-criminals beware. Your days are numbered.”

From Goliath: “It finally happened. They ran out of things they could make out of bats so they just said “Hey, let’s start using rhinoceroses instead.” That has to be the only logical explanation for this toy that features some bizarre Medieval-looking armor and a robotic rhino that carries an axe embedded in his head. Because when a robotic rhino isn’t enough, you need a robotic Axe Rhino.”

Yes, Zod gets his own bulldozer demolition tongs. And it seems like he’s too small to handle them. Also, has a strange look in his face.

For some reason, I don’t see Batman as the kind of guy who’d own a lava lamp. Not sure why. Then again, I don’t think about such things much.

Okay, there are some things wrong with this. First, Superman doesn’t really need armor or weapons since he basically nearly destroyed the city with his powers. Second, his armor and weaponry are almost medieval. Third, wasn’t Krypton destroyed when he was a baby?

And it seems that one of Zod’s crew has been expelled from that craft. Not sure how to feel about that. Also, it’s kind of ugly.

Again, with the high heeled shoes. And it seems that these heels are rather small. So I don’t think they’re very practical.

Maybe for Secret Santa at work. Otherwise, it’s the kind of gift that says, “I knew you liked Batman and I didn’t know what to give you. So I just stopped by and picked up a set like this at Big Lots.”

Uh, did anyone who designed this toy get the idea that Batman abhors killing and guns. Violence that would send someone to the emergency room. But not something like this.

Uh, is it just me or does it seem like Batman is being assimilated by the Borg. Quick, somebody get the Starfleet Enterprise pronto.

By the way, Nite Owl is a character from Watchmen. However, most people take their coffee in the morning. So I guess this should be called “Morning Owl Coffee” right?

Now this is crazy. Seriously, this has Batman shooting missiles from a robotic dinosaur. And we know Batman doesn’t care for lethal weapons. So why does this exist?

These are for piercings. Still, I think they’re kind of super stupid if you ask my opinion.

This was for promoting Batman & Robin which is an embarrassment in the Batman franchise and George Clooney’s career. Still, you’re bound to enjoy these sugar tarts filled with artificial flavors.

Available at Wal Mart. Still, not sure if it’s fitting for Batman to have a cute piggy bank like this.

Okay, this looks kind of a tech monster. Also, doesn’t Batman fight criminals at night without all this crap on him.

Actually Minis are terrible cars. Besides, I can’t see Batman driving this. It’s also quite ugly.

Uh, is it just me or do some of these toy designers tend to forget that Batman loathes guns? He kind of goes by, “l’ll beat em’ up, but I won’t kill em.'”

Not sure what to make about this. Maybe as long as you set it to stun. But then again, you should know what they say about Batman.

If you want this, make sure that you own the car. Otherwise, people might not be happy about having their seats covered with these.

Uh, does the Flash really need a treadmill? Seriously, he moves about as fast as the speed of light. What kind of treadmill can do that?

After all, DC Comics is well known for its compelling villains. The Batman ones are especially vile, particularly the Joker. Bane is not far behind.

Not sure if it’s fun. However, I’m even less sure if it’s even safe for kids. I mean those propellers might hurt somebody.

For love of God, why the hell are there so many Batman guns? For God’s sake, Batman’s known for hating them. Why don’t these manufacturers get a clue?

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. What does Hines Ward have to do with Batman? Well, he was in The Dark Knight Rises for God’s sake. Sure he wasn’t in it long. But they filmed the stadium explosion at Heinz Field.

Because nothing is more family friendly than seeing Batman beating the crap out of the Joker. Then again, the Joker is a homicidal maniac who kind of deserves to be punched in the face.

Because nothing exemplifies togetherness like Batman and Superman going at it. Nevertheless, they ought to know better and just make up. For the good of humanity.

Uh, isn’t Superman supposed to be faster than a speeding bullet? So why the hell would he need a motorcycle? Also, why does Wonder Woman have red hair?

For God’s sake, Superman can fly to the scene if there’s a villain in town. He doesn’t need a motorcycle outside Krypton. Seriously, who the hell designs these things?

Other than as a Halloween costume, I’m not sure how he could use the claw hands behind his wings. Also, I think whoever designed this was on acid at the time.