In the world of Harry Potter, there are all kinds of places to shop. There’s Diagon Alley which sells a lot of stuff for young witches and wizards preparing for their first or subsequent year of Hogwarts as well as for other wizarding needs. There’s Knockturn Alley for stuff pertaining to the Dark Arts and flesh eating slug repellant, but you don’t want to go there. Then there’s Hogsmeade which is a wizard village that has some restaurants and tourist stuff. Oh, and later on, Fred and George start a joke shop called Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes. Of course, here in the muggle real world we must toil, Harry Potter has become such a smash hit with 7 books and 8 movies that it has made scores of money on merchandise. Whether the beneficiaries be J. K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, Amazon, companies, or some random people on Etsy. And let’s just say there are all kinds of Harry Potter merchandise out there like Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, action figures, T-shirts, house banners, and the like. But I decided to dedicate my post to some of the ridiculous Harry Potter stuff out there that might have some unfortunate implications. So for your reading pleasure, I give you this.
- Show your support for the Dark Lord with this dark mark tattoo decal.
Of course, unlike the real dark marks in the series, it actually comes off. But c’mon, it’s basically a symbol of a wizard terrorist organization for God’s sake.
2. This pair of underwear will show that you’ll go sleazy for Ronald Weasley.
Of course, anyone who wears this might want to be wary of Hermione Granger. Take a cue what happened to what she did when Ron dated Lavender Brown in Book 6. It wasn’t pretty.
3. If you see yourself a Ravenclaw, you might want Rowena’s diadem of your very own.
Note that it has a tragic provenance since it was stolen by her daughter who ended up in a murder-suicide with the Bloody Baron. Also contains a fragment of Voldemort’s soul making it a horcrux that must be destroyed.
4. For the Harry Potter foodie, this Harry Potter cookbook is for you.
Not sure what kind of recipes are in this one. And I’m not sure if I’d want to know at any rate.
5. There’s nothing that brings eternal glory like a Triwizard Cup.
However, remember that it’s also a portkey that could transport you and your co-champion to a cemetery to see the Dark Lord’s resurrection. Oh, and if you’re Cedric Diggory, you won’t come out alive.
6. If you’re into Harry Potter and takeout, these wand chopsticks are for you.
Made in Japan, by the way, which explains a lot. And I thought lightsaber chopsticks were crazy. I mean wands are for magic, not eating utensils.
7. Those who are a Hufflepuff at heart might enjoy Helga’s cup.
Keep in mind that Voldemort stole this and killed its owner before making it into a horcrux. It also sat in a Gringotts vault with a complicated magic security system.
8. Impress the Harry Potter man in your life with these golden snitch nipple pasties.
With products like these, you’d wonder if there was any Harry Potter themed strip club out there. Okay, I shouldn’t have said that.
9. Cuddle up on your couch with your very own Fang plushie.
As Potterheads know, Fang is Hagrid’s dog that accompanies him and tends to drool a lot. I think I’ve seen a plushie of Fluffy that was cuter than this.
10. Assume the form of someone else with this Polyjuice potion flask.
I don’t think you can make Polyjuice potion in real life. However, if you can, make sure you don’t put any animal hair in it before consumption. Hermione learned this the hard way.
11. If you’re into the dark arts and jewelry, this Slytherin locket is for you.
Of course, Voldemort stole this from his mother’s family and turned it into a horcrux. It’s been causing all kinds of terrible shit ever since.
12. If you’re into magical creatures, you might like the Monster Book of Monsters.
It’s the kind of vicious textbook you have to wrestle with before you read. Literally it’s not a book you can just curl up with on a rainy day.
13. Those who have a fascination with the dark arts or Deathly Hallows might adore this Marvolo Gaunt ring.
It’s a horcrux that used to contain a Resurrection Stone. However, when Dumbledore wore it, it withered his hand and led him to seek assisted suicide. Hey, it was to save Draco Malfoy’s life, too.
14. Magically scrub yourself with some Half-Blood soap.
Wonder what this smells like. Still, doesn’t help that it has glitter on it. That stuff could get everywhere.
15. For those who turn into a beast at a certain time of the month, try some wolfsbane potion.
Yes, the kind of potion for werewolves that’ll keep them from transforming on their time of the month. However, it’s bound to make them ill though.
16. If you’re into Quidditch, how about ride on this Firebolt?
According to The Richest, this thing is said to cost $294.95. Let’s just say it would be cheaper if you used a broom in the closet.
17. For a real broomstick riding experience, you can’t go wrong with a Nimbus 2000 vibrating broom.
Actually you can’t buy this anymore because parents complained about it. Mostly because it was a phallus shaped toy that vibrates when wedged between a kid’s legs.
18. Seems like someone’s Chamber of Secrets has been opened.
Yeah, I get the picture and know what “Chamber of Secrets” means. Yet, sometimes it only takes the right basilisk.
19. Those into chess might enjoy this Harry Potter wizard chess set.
Of course, it’s not as violent as Wizard Chess in Harry’s world. Also, it costs a whopping $395.95, which is ridiculous.
20. For your magical pet, I’m sure they’d feel right at home in a replica of Hagrid’s hut.
Okay, this was probably made by someone with too much time on their hands. Also, I think your pet needs a place like this. Just saying.
21. Cast a spell with this Harry Potter wand in your bedroom.
Uh, that’s a dildo which is clearly an adult toy. Okay, this is just wrong here.
22. Solemnly swear that you’re up to no good in this Marauder’s Map corset.
Another thing you might see in a Harry Potter strip club. Or sex dungeon. I’m not sure which.
23. Nothing makes a sweeter rub down than some Butterbeer massage oil.
Because nothing makes you and your lover more attractive than smelling like you’ve just come out of the Three Bromsticks at Hogsmeade. And I’m sure that’s a hotel and bar where they serve alcoholic beverages to teenagers. Then again, they’re British, but still.
24. These panties will show that you long for Neville’s bottom.
Well, since he was played by Matthew Lewis in the later movies, it’s easy to see why. I mean puberty was very good to him.
25. Call upon this pair of boxers to summon your patronus in your trousers.
Guys, I’m sure those boxers would just be plenty to keep the dementors away. Still, why such a pair exist I have no idea.
26. For a great place to keep your wand, fellas, look no further.
Depends on the wizard who wields it. And if you’re not him, then no thanks.
27. For those of the brave of heart, the sword of Gryffindor can be yours.
All you have to pay is $195.95. Seriously, I can find one that’s cheaper by pulling it out of a hat.
28. Love the smell of nature? Well, this Hagrid’s hut wax melt is for you.
I don’t know about you, but would you really want your place to smell like Hagrid’s hut? Seriously, I think there are better places in Harry Potter that smell better than that. The Burrow, for instance.
29. Protect yourself traveling through your lady’s Chamber of Secrets with these Harry Poppers.
Yes, these are condoms by Magic X. Unfortunately, they’re no longer available since Warner Brothers sued the Swiss manufacturer for copyright infringement.
30. Keep your cigs magically in order with your own Harry Potter cigarette case.
Uh, I know there may be smokers who like Harry Potter. However, this doesn’t mean we should have Harry Potter themed tobacco paraphernalia.
31. Harry Potter pancakes are part of this magically complete breakfast.
Of course, if you make a house elf cook them, Hermione would get mad at you. Still, this seems like a silly marketing ploy to me.
32. Smell magically fresh with some Harry Potter EDT Spray.
I think this one was made before the movies ever came out. Not sure who the hell thought up this. I mean it’s pretty strange.
33. For a magical treat, snack on some of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Beans.
These are jellybeans. Sure you’ll find some fruity flavors. But you’ll also have earwax, booger, vomit, dirt, and rotten egg. What’s not to love?
34. This decal is guaranteed to help you find your way to the Ministry of Magic.
I’m sure your guests who aren’t familiar with the series won’t get this. But yes, you enter to the Ministry of Magic through some rundown public bathroom as I’ve read in the books.
35. For a magical night, put on some Deathly Hallow nipple pasties.
Okay, I’m sure the Wizarding World of Harry Potter must have its own strip club. Otherwise, how else could I explain how these exist?
36. Deck your Harry Potter home with this mounted house elf head.
Sure it’s not Dobby. But this doesn’t make the house elf head display less disturbing.
37. For keepsake items, I’m sure this mandrake baby will suit your fancy.
Okay, mandrake babies are incredibly creepy. The costumes are cute for babies. But this, not so much.
38. Those who love Mad Eye Moody would appreciate this hip flask and magic eye.
Not sure to decide which one is more disturbing. Then again, maybe the hip flask since I know it wasn’t used to store pumpkin juice in Book 4.
39. Why have a Marauder’s Map when you could get a Marauder’s Map dress?
Okay, since when would anyone make a dress out of the Marauder’s Map? Seriously, why?
40. If you think My Little Pony is too cutesy for your taste, there’s always My Little Death Eater.
I know this is possibly the most demented My Little Pony I’ve ever seen. Still, I think it’s hilarious.
41. If you liked the Chamber of Secrets, then you’ll like this basilisk fang necklace.
I’m sure you wouldn’t be able to wear that at school if it has a very strict weapons policy. Still, not sure if it would make you look like a badass either.
42. As you might recall, extendable ears are great for eavesdropping.
However, in the muggle world we live in, these are just novelty toys. But in the books, they’re one of Fred and George Weasley’s joke inventions.
43. Forgot anything? You might need a remembrall.
Okay, it doesn’t make red smoke if your forget something. However, at least you won’t have Draco Malfoy steal it off you like he did to Neville just for kicks.
44. For those seeking enlightenment, perhaps this Zen Dobby might help you.
Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf. And Dobby only pawn in game of life.
45. For your Harry Potter Christmas tree, this ornament is just the ticket.
Because nothing makes a Merry Christmas than flying on some brooms to escape from fiendfire. At least they didn’t end up like Crabbe (or Goyle in the movie).
46. Ensnare a crush to desire you with a bottle of Amortentia.
I don’t see anything wrong with this since I know it’s not going to work being made by muggles on Etsy. But in the wizarding world, Amortentia is the most powerful love potion and like other love potions, its Muggle equivalent are roofies. Seriously, love potions are date rape drugs. Look what happened to Ron when he ate some some chocolates from one of Harry’s stalkers.
47. For the die hard Potterheads, you can finally buy your own Invisibility Cloak.
Okay, I know it certainly won’t make you invisible. However, it does have a magical power of its own. Like making your $300 magically disappear. Yes, $300 you could’ve spent on something better like anything.
48. Prepare for the Battle of Hogwarts with your very own Ultimate Dueling Battle Trainer.
I could see why Voldemort is the target. Other than that, I’m not sure why this exist? At least the Star Wars one would cooler if you ask me.
49. For your castle, line your mantle with these potion bottles.
Sure these are for display only. Because if it was the wizarding world, you really don’t want to know what these do to you.
50. If you like gardening, you might like this mandrake in a pot.
Like I said before, mandrakes aren’t adorable. In fact, they’re hideous. However, they do come in handy when students are petrified.
51. Don’t have any time? Get yourself a time turner like Hermione did.
Sure it may not turn back time since it’s a replica. However, it’s known to cost about $224.95.
52. Of course, I couldn’t forget Tom Riddle’s diary.
You know the one he used to lure Ginny into the Chamber of Secrets. And the one Harry eventually stabbed in there. Of course, the Chamber of Secrets thing would’ve been avoided if Lucius just didn’t sneak it in Ginny’s basket.
53. For the brave and bold, you have to have a Gryffindor crocheted bikini.
I’m not sure why these yarn bikinis exist. I mean they’re not the kind you’d want while swimming. Seriously, why?
54. At Hogwarts, smell like the scent in the house you belong to.
Wait a minute, each Hogwarts house has its own perfume bottle? Seriously, do fans really need stuff like this? I think it’s overdoing it.
55. These panties might say you love good even if you’re not Luna.
I don’t know what to make about these Potter panties. Guess they’re very popular. Can’t come up with a better explanation.
56. Need socks? How about some Harry Potter sock yarn?
I don’t see why they’d make such a promotion. Socks are one thing. But sock yarn? Seriously?
57. Seems like anyone wearing this shirt might have narrow dating interests.
Well, maybe “muggles” here means non-Harry Potter fans. Still, some might take it the wrong way.
58. “My magic brings Voldemort to the yard, damn right it’s hurting my scar.”
Yes, but that doesn’t mean Harry would want people to note that. Also, it’s bound to put him and his friends in a highly dangerous situation.
59. Drink your worries away with this “Obliviate” beer glass.
Well, that’s one way to do it. Then again, you might not want to drink out of this while driving.
60. Quidditch wouldn’t be the same without a bludger and a beater bat.
You know the magic balls that go after players and the sticks you hit them with. At least the muggle equivalent isn’t as nasty.
61. Charm your sweetheart with some love potion.
I think it’s just candy filled in this one. However, in the wizarding world, love potions their equivalent to date rape drugs. Yet, somehow they’re readily available.
62. Show your house pride with these Hogwarts house rings.
Now I’ve heard of class rings. But Hogwarts house rings. Isn’t it a bit much? I mean why?
63. Keep your dog snug and warm with this Gryffindor hat.
I guess this is for a pug which kind of makes sense. Why it exists, I have no idea.
64. Hold your door with this door stopper Dobby.
Okay, Dobby may not be the scariest characters from Harry Potter. But this doorstop is so freaky looking for some reason.
65. Show that you like to be Slytherin in the sheets.
Yes, I get the puns and how these underwear could sell. But still, that doesn’t change that Harry Potter was originally meant for children.
66. Enjoy the mystery with this Harry Potter Clue game.
“It was Professor Snape in the Great Hall with a candlestick.” Couldn’t resist saying that.
67. If you’re into making money, you might like some Harry Potter Monopoly.
Oh, sorry, it seems that you have to go directly to Azkaban. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 galleons.
68. Pop the question to your girlfriend with this Golden Snitch engagement ring.
Guys, unless she insists on a ring like a golden snitch, don’t get her one. Even if she likes Harry Potter. Also, costs $155.
69. To help you through the night, you might take to a Deluminator.
The version of this product is a flashlight. However, the wizard version can put out lights and help you find your friends. So disappointing.
70. Own a piece of Harry Potter lore with a replica of his glasses.
These costs about $59.95 and they’re for display only, By contrast, some pairs of designer frames are relatively cheaper with or without insurance coverage.
71. The Mirror of Erised always reflects what you desire.
Well, this one is just a mirror which only reflects what you look like. And this can be yours for $69.00.
72. For the shiny smart witches, you might take to this blinged Ravenclaw bra.
Seems like something you’d find in Luna Lovegood’s lingerie drawer. And I don’t think she’d wear it to impress boys. But you’d never know.
73. Now you can write like a wizard with this replica Harry Potter quill set.
This set costs about $34.99, which is pretty steep. Because I could easily find a feather like that during a walk to the cemetery around turkey season. In fact, I have a quill of my own that I didn’t have to pay for at all.
74. Now you can open up letters with this mighty sword of Gryffindor letter opener.
Now that looks like one of the most expensive letter openers I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I bet it costs more than a mere paper weight.
75. Keep yourself magically clean with some Sirius Black inspired soap.
Let’s hope these smell like Books 4 and 5 Sirius Black and not Book 3. Because the Book 3 Sirius Black smells worse than Hagrid on a good day.
76. For some magical tea time, you can always go with a Deathly Hallows tea infuser.
Of course, since the books came out in Britain you can understand this. Then again, the Deathly Hallows did protect Harry from Voldemort.
77. Hold your toast on the Hogwarts Express rack.
Yes, give your toast a ride from the toaster to Hogwarts. Wonder if it does come with a Hogwarts toaster. Wouldn’t be surprised.
78. Light up your magical life with these Harry Potter book lighters.
I don’t know about you but these look like cigarette lighters to me. Oh, wait they are cigarette lighters, which is kind of disturbing if you ask me.
79. Nothing makes your magic life complete like a figurine of Hedwig in a cage.
Sure owls don’t make good pets. Still, I think a plushie Hedwig would make more sense than one like this.
80. Commemorate the Prisoner of Azkaban with your very own dementor snow globe.
Because nothing brings fond memories like being surrounded by beings of dread that can suck your soul or make you realize that you have PTSD. Be sure to be like Lupin and have plenty of chocolate.
81. This cutting board will help you begin any Hogwarts feast.
And without house elves, too. However, you’ll probably be chopping veggies without magic either.
82. Now you can see your own panoramic views with these omnioculars.
They’re wizard binoculars but they let you see more. Not sure if the muggle version works though.
83. Get your own Three Broomsticks souvenir mug.
Funny, this Three Broomsticks logo looks very similar to the Starbucks one. Wonder why that is.
84. Whoever drinks from this flask of Veritaserum always tells the truth.
Well, maybe not. But since it’ll be filled with alcohol, it might lead the drinker to tell truths that you’ve never heard before.
85. Get into the best of pureblood supremacy fashion with this Lucius Malfoy walking stick.
Note that Lucius’s wand is inside it, too. Costs $109.00, which is probably cheaper than what Lucius originally got it for.
86. Grace your Christmas tree this year with this Harry Potter potions master keepsake ornament.
Because nothing says Merry Christmas like doing a lab while being bullied by the teacher who hates you because he never got over your mom. Still, Harry should be lucky that Snape would never try to kill him.
87. Celebrate Christmas by hanging this ornament of Harry in front of the Mirror of Erised.
Because nothing brings up wonderful Christmas memories than longing for the sight of your long dead parents. You know because they were murdered during your infancy.
88. For your holiday season, you can’t go wrong with the gargoyle guard ornament.
For nothing brings fond memories on Christmas than being sent to the principal’s office. Fortunately, Hogwarts’ headmaster is Albus Dumbledore who knows very well that Harry didn’t open the Chamber of Secrets.
89. Freshen your home with this Hagrid scented candle.
This is said to carry scents like dragon fire, mulled mead, and Hogwarts grounds. Nevertheless, would you want your place smelling like Hagrid? Probably not.
90. This tank expresses that you’ll be working out for the Triwizard Tournament.
Of course, the Triwizard Tournament occurs every 100 years. Yet, despite being ineligible, Harry was drafted into it as an unwilling participant.
91. Have your room smelling sweet with this Snape scented candle.
Said to smell like potion textbooks, dungeon corridors, and lilies. What it should smell like: hair grease.
92. Relive the first Harry Potter book with this Sorcerer’s Stone replica.
Sure it may not grant immortality or turn metals into gold. But it will take $93 out of your wallet.
93. Bring back the memories of Harry’s first time in the Forbidden Forest with this necklace of unicorn blood.
As you know, drinking unicorn blood may keep you alive. However, because you’ve slain something pure and defenseless to save yourself, you’re doomed to a half-life, a cursed life the moment the blood touches your lips.
94. Swish and flick to change the channel with this Harry Potter universal remote control.
Sure it looks cool. But I wonder what spells you have to perform to turn it on/off, control volume, or change the channel.
95. With such shot glasses, you’ll solemnly swear you’re up to no good.
Well, at least that’s an appropriate message for a shot glass. On the other side it says, “mischief managed.” Drink responsibly.
96. For those who wondered where their Hogwarts acceptance letter is, they might appreciate this gift.
Okay, it might not get you into Hogwarts because that place doesn’t exist. But it will make $60 magically disappear from your wallet. Also includes Marauder’s Map.
97. For coffee all you have to say is Espresso Patronum.
Uh, I don’t think getting coffee works that way. However, this is pretty clever if you ask me.
98. Step into a world of magic with these Harry Potter high heeled shoes.
Yes, these are sparkly. But I’m not sure why these exist. Guess there’s a Harry Potter nightclub around some corner.
99. When playing game of Quidditch you can’t go without these Hogwarts House Nike shoes.
Well, at least that makes more sense than Harry Potter high heels. Still, if I had a pair, I’d be afraid to get them dirty. They’re also probably expensive as bloody hell.
100. Relive the Hogwarts experience with this porcelain replica of Hogwarts castle.
Now that seems to resemble a very expensive paperweight. Makes you wonder what they’re going come up with when Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them comes out in June.