Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree at the Ugly Sweater Party

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Now that I’m back from my break doing posts on Christmas in Tackyland, let’s get down to business since I know many of you come to my blog around the holidays specifically to look at my treasure trove of bad and kitschy Christmas stuff. Another well-known Christmas tradition during the season is the idea of the ugly sweater party, where people gather to celebrate Christmas bringing gifts, food, and donning their gay apparel with their poor fashion sense. Some people get their ugliest sweaters online or at the store already premade, while others get creative and make their own. As with mine, well, I basically got it from my mother. Well, it’s not exactly what I’d call “ugly” per se, but it basically consists of a combination of two styles such as tacky Christmas sweater meets the traditional robes of the Ming Dynasty. Yet, compared to the other sweaters you’ll look at in this post, this is actually pretty tame (for an ugly Christmas sweater, but as a Chinese robe, it’s atrocious). But here I open a post with me sitting on my couch near the Christmas tree as my parents watch the Pittsburgh Penguins take on the Calgary Flames. Nevertheless, I wore this sweater at the Westmoreland Mall Macy’s for Black Friday while working for ten hours as well as for my family Thanksgiving dinner afterwards. So without further adieu, here are some of the great moments in Christmas dress tackiness. Enjoy for your pleasure though some may not be safe for work, by the way.

1. For our first Christmas fashion disaster, I bring you Santa Dress.

I suppose that this woman is a kindergarten teacher. And I think this dress was designed by one of her students.

I suppose that this woman is a kindergarten teacher. And I think this dress was designed by one of her students.

2. I call this one, “Elf Torpedo Tits.”

Of course, until I saw this picture, I didn't know that they hired strippers at the North Pole. Guess Santa's elves need some entertaining distraction from their lives.

Of course, until I saw this picture, I didn’t know that they hired strippers at the North Pole. Guess Santa’s elves need some entertaining distraction from their lives.

3. In Mexico, they don’t celebrate Christmas wearing ugly sweaters. They celebrate Navidad wearing Navidad ponchos.

Of course, this picture was taken during Chad's time as a foreign exchange student at the Universidad de Tijuana.

Of course, this picture was taken during Chad’s time as a foreign exchange student at the Universidad de Tijuana.

4. Of course, this sweater reminds that dogs will go where they may.

Also, the fact that Scruffy here has no respect whatsoever for Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty.

Also, the fact that Scruffy here has no respect whatsoever for Frosty the Snowman. Poor Frosty.

5. As Bob Dylan said, “The answer, my friends, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.”

Yes, the answer is certainly blowing in the wind and so is Frosty's head. Or was.

Yes, the answer is certainly blowing in the wind and so is Frosty’s head. Or was.

6. For this Christmas season, have your hair done in the style a la Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Now this is how you style your hair for an ugly sweater party. Still, very funny. Why didn't I think of this?

Now this is how you style your hair for an ugly sweater party. Still, very funny. Why didn’t I think of this?

7. This lady is totally rocking it in her Frosty dress.

Of course, the kids are going to say, "What do you mean she's Frosty? She doesn't look like Frosty the Snowman to me!" Still, I wonder if the kids understand the concept of either "sexy costumes" or "making do with what they got."

Of course, the kids are going to say, “What do you mean she’s Frosty? She doesn’t look like Frosty the Snowman to me!” Still, I wonder if the kids understand the concept of either “sexy costumes” or “making do with what they got.”

8. I give you the gift bow dress.

Of course, if you have all those bows in your Christmas gift wrapping supplies, what else are you going to do?

Of course, if you have all those bows in your Christmas gift wrapping supplies, what else are you going to do?

9. Here’s a great Christmas sweater featuring the Great Emancipator in his Santa hat.

Seriously, I understand that Abraham Lincoln was a great American President who led the US while it was torn apart by civil war as well as has a very important person in American history. But what the hell does he have to do with Christmas?

Seriously, I understand that Abraham Lincoln was a great American President who led the US while it was torn apart by civil war as well as has a very important person in American history. But what the hell does he have to do with Christmas?

10. “.Fra-gee-lay. Must be Italian.”

I'm sure that reads "fragile" like easily breakable. Yet, I wonder if the guy is Italian though. Seems like he is.

I’m sure that reads “fragile” like easily breakable. Yet, I wonder if the guy is Italian though. Seems like he is.

11. So it’s Christmas and Hell must’ve frozen over. Or not.

Of course, when I see a picture of a skull wearing ear muffs and a scarf, I don't think it's a good sign. Rather, I might suspect that cannibalism was involved.

Of course, when I see a picture of a skull wearing ear muffs and a scarf, I don’t think it’s a good sign. Rather, I might suspect that cannibalism was involved.

12. Ugly Christmas sweater? Nah, how about an ugly Christmas suit instead?

Now I'm sure this guy looks even more ridiculous in the ski lodge with that Christmas suit on. Looks so silly I can't help but laugh.

Now I’m sure this guy looks even more ridiculous in the ski lodge with that Christmas suit on. Looks so silly I can’t help but laugh.

13. Got a black plain sweatshirt? Well, why don’t you take a knack at decorating it like a Christmas wreath with a red bow in the center?

I'm sure this woman took a lot of time to make this sweater as she stands as if she's proud of what she accomplished. Still, I love the wreath though.

I’m sure this woman took a lot of time to make this sweater as she stands as if she’s proud of what she accomplished. Still, I love the wreath though.

14. Have your Christmas sweater vest light up which will make you the life of the party.

Now this girl looks very excited rocking in her lit up Christmas sweater vest. I also wonder what's in that cup she's holding. Still, I wouldn't be caught dead acting like that at my Aunt Mary's place on Christmas Eve.

Now this girl looks very excited rocking in her lit up Christmas sweater vest. I also wonder what’s in that cup she’s holding. Still, I wouldn’t be caught dead acting like that at my Aunt Mary’s place on Christmas Eve.

15. For the little girl in your life, perhaps you can take her to the ugly sweater party dressed as a cute little Christmas tree.

Of course, this little angel is thinking, "why did mommy and daddy have me dress in this stupid tree costume? Everyone at Grandma's house is going to laugh at me."

Of course, this little angel is thinking, “why did mommy and daddy have me dress in this stupid tree costume? Everyone at Grandma’s house is going to laugh at me.”

16. Wake up on Christmas morning wearing Ralphie’s bunny pajamas.

Ironically, because of A Christmas Story, it's now acceptable for guys to wear pink bunny pajamas on Christmas morning. The expression on this guy's face is just hilarious.

Ironically, because of A Christmas Story, it’s now acceptable for guys to wear pink bunny pajamas on Christmas morning. The expression on this guy’s face is just hilarious.

17. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas” than donning a Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on your boob.

Okay, note to self: Don't ever think of trying this idea at your Aunt Mary's house on Christmas Eve. Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this. Still, this might be great with nursing mothers.

Okay, note to self: Don’t ever think of trying this idea at your Aunt Mary’s house on Christmas Eve. Your aunts and uncles might have a problem with their kids seeing this. Still, this might be great with nursing mothers.

18. Either this is Santa’s female sidekick Plinkerbell or some kind of female Christmas Superheroine called Tinseltoe.

Of course, while this is certainly a festive outfit, I'm sure that it's one of the most atrocious Christmas costumes I've seen so far. Seems like this woman spared no expense whatsoever.

Of course, while this is certainly a festive outfit, I’m sure that it’s one of the most atrocious Christmas costumes I’ve seen so far. Seems like this woman spared no expense whatsoever.

19. I call this one, “Santa Spring Tits.”

Of course, I'm sure this woman is another North Pole stripper elf but she didn't want me to show her face due to privacy reasons.

Of course, I’m sure this woman is another North Pole stripper elf but she didn’t want me to show her face due to privacy reasons.

20. Okay, I understand why they called him “Frosty the Snow ‘man'” instead of “Frosty the Snow ‘woman.'”

Small Child: "Why does the snowman have a carrot and coal on the bottom like that on Uncle Bobby's sweater?" Dad: "You'll learn when you're older, sweetie."

Small Child: “Why does the snowman have a carrot and coal on the bottom like that on Uncle Bobby’s sweater?”
Dad: “You’ll learn when you’re older, sweetie.”

21. Bring the festive spirit of Christmas with this Christmas tree costume.

Of course, at the Christmas Party, you might have people trying to put presents under you than giving them to you.

Of course, at the Christmas Party, you might have people trying to put presents under you than giving them to you.

22. Of course, you can’t forget Jesus, since he’s the Birthday for Christmas.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if having Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater is a great idea. In fact, it may possibly border on sacrilege, if you ask me. I mean Jesus kind of deserves more respect than that.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if having Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater is a great idea. In fact, it may possibly border on sacrilege, if you ask me. I mean Jesus kind of deserves more respect than that.

23. Of course, why be the only one in your family getting in the Christmas spirit while you can include your whole family?

Of course, I'm sure the whole family approved that they attend the Christmas Party at Grandma's house by wearing sweaters containing giant green candy canes. Then again, maybe it was just the parents' idea.

Of course, I’m sure the whole family approved that they attend the Christmas Party at Grandma’s house by wearing sweaters containing giant green candy canes. Then again, maybe it was just the parents’ idea.

24. For couples, you might want to try this lovely reindeer sweater combination.

Of course, I'm sure the woman usually wears the top half while the man wears the other for obvious reasons. Still, reminds me of "in one end and out the other."

Of course, I’m sure the woman usually wears the top half while the man wears the other for obvious reasons. Still, reminds me of “in one end and out the other.”

25. Now this hostess certainly has all the bows and tinsel on her dress.

Yes, this is another bow dress but this one also includes tinsel and seems more Christmasy. Also, she seems to be saying, "Who wants Christmas cookies?"

Yes, this is another bow dress but this one also includes tinsel and seems more Christmasy. Also, she seems to be saying, “Who wants Christmas cookies?”

26. Of course, you can always include a winter scene.

Yet, this woman seems to deck her outfit with a winter scene enclosed in a plastic bag with some cutouts for a barn and tree as well as lots and lots of cotton.

Yet, this woman seems to deck her outfit with a winter scene enclosed in a plastic bag with some cutouts for a barn and tree as well as lots and lots of cotton.

27. Christmas is always the time for joy.

Yet, when a woman is wearing a Christmas sweater reading, "Feel the Joy" and has two black hands on her chest, I don't think you want to abide.

Yet, when a woman is wearing a Christmas sweater reading, “Feel the Joy” and has two black hands on her chest, I don’t think you want to abide.

28. Seems like this woman is feeling festive in all her greenery.

Now this woman seems like she didn't have much choice to wear this sweater at her Christmas Party. Mainly because she's actually a waitress at the country club.

Now this woman seems like she didn’t have much choice to wear this sweater at her Christmas Party. Mainly because she’s actually a waitress at the country club.

29. “Up on the housetop, reindeer falls. Out jumps good ol’ Santa Claus. Down through the chimney with lots of toys, all for the good little girls and boys.”

Yet, I'm sure that this guy used a creepy psycho Santa Claus foe his chimney and fireplace Christmas sweater. Still, where the hell is the guy's face for God's sake?

Yet, I’m sure that this guy used a creepy psycho Santa Claus foe his chimney and fireplace Christmas sweater. Still, where the hell is the guy’s face for God’s sake?

30. At your Christmas party, come as Santa Claus decorating the tree.

Of course, my question about this outfit other than sheer tackiness is how the hell does this guy manage to sit down in this? Also, I'm sure he has to take it off once in a while.

Of course, my question about this outfit other than sheer tackiness is how the hell does this guy manage to sit down in this? Also, I’m sure he has to take it off once in a while.

31. Of course, what’s a Gingerbread Man without his can of Bud Light?

Just what I need, a drunk Gingerbread cookie. Now the last Christmas cookie I need is one that tastes like beer.

Just what I need, a drunk Gingerbread cookie. Now the last Christmas cookie I need is one that tastes like beer.

32. Seems like Crumpet just got drunk at his RV home.

So I guess that the North Pole has it's share of redneck elves who live in their trailers. Makes sense.

So I guess that the North Pole has it’s share of redneck elves who live in their trailers. Makes sense.

33. Deck the halls at your Christmas party by donning this sweater with a big red bow that lights.

Now I'm sure this is a very tacky Christmas sweater. Yet, at the same time it's all so charming.

Now I’m sure this is a very tacky Christmas sweater. Yet, at the same time it’s all so charming.

34. I’m sure dressing in pink is the height of Christmas fashion.

This Grandma is about as chic in her reindeer pink sweater as that aluminum Christmas tree in the background. Yeah, I'm sure she really stands out.

This Grandma is about as chic in her reindeer pink sweater as that aluminum Christmas tree in the background. Yeah, I’m sure she really stands out.

35. Show your love for the classic A Christmas Story, with this Christmas sweater featuring the legendary leg lamp.

Now I'm sure this guy is the life of the party. Yet, since it has appeared in a family film, I'm sure it's totally appropriate for even family occasions, even if leg lamps are better suited for strip clubs and bars.

Now I’m sure this guy is the life of the party. Yet, since it has appeared in a family film, I’m sure it’s totally appropriate for even family occasions, even if leg lamps are better suited for strip clubs and bars.

36. For your Christmas sweater, perhaps make this holiday beefcake a lovely trimming.

Now this sweater would've been perfectly all right. The Harlequin Romance hottie in the right hand corner just makes it seem more horrendous and in poor taste.

Now this sweater would’ve been perfectly all right. The Harlequin Romance hottie in the right hand corner just makes it seem more horrendous and in poor taste.

37. Seems that Santa just got stuck in the chimney.

Well, if Santa Claus had basically tried to manage his weight better, maybe he wouldn't keep getting stuck in people's chimneys.

Well, if Santa Claus had basically tried to manage his weight better, maybe he wouldn’t keep getting stuck in people’s chimneys.

38. Come to your Christmas Party, dressed up as Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.

On second thought, perhaps dressing up as Cousin Eddie for your Christmas party probably isn't a good idea.

On second thought, perhaps dressing up as Cousin Eddie for your Christmas party probably isn’t a good idea.

39. Now this sweater has a stuffed reindeer that I’m sure your relatives would love.

Well, all seems quite well at the front but when you look it the back.....yeah.

Well, all seems quite well at the front but when you look it the back…..yeah.

40. Decorate your Christmas sweater with a lot of jingle bells.

Of course, ugly Christmas sweaters have the potential to make tough biker dudes be reduced to icons of utter ridiculousness.

Of course, ugly Christmas sweaters have the potential to make tough biker dudes be reduced to icons of utter ridiculousness.

41. Of course, Kris Kringle is here to mingle.

Now I'm sure that Santa Claus with a beer isn't going to go well with a G rated Christmas party. Seriously, why?

Now I’m sure that Santa Claus with a beer isn’t going to go well with a G rated Christmas party. Seriously, why?

42. Shimmer at the Christmas party house with this lovely leg lamp dress.

Yes, that's a leg lamp costume but I'm sure that the only thing keeping it from being a strictly stripper club outfit is the fact it's inspired by a prop from a family film.

Yes, that’s a leg lamp costume but I’m sure that the only thing keeping it from being a strictly stripper club outfit is the fact it’s inspired by a prop from a family film.

43. I call this one, “the Santa Claus Hat Spring Boobs.”

If Madonna had an ugly Christmas sweater for a party, it would certainly look like this.

If Madonna had an ugly Christmas sweater for a party, it would certainly look like this.

44. Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season.

Now I don't know about you but I think putting Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater doesn't seem to be very respectful. Also, why is the Baby Jesus holding a present in his hand?

Now I don’t know about you but I think putting Jesus on an ugly Christmas sweater doesn’t seem to be very respectful. Also, why is the Baby Jesus holding a present in his hand?

45. Celebrate the season with a Christmas leopard sweater?

Okay, what do leopards have to do with Christmas? They're from India and Africa for God's sake! Seriously, why?

Okay, what do leopards have to do with Christmas? They’re from India and Africa for God’s sake! Seriously, why?

46. I’m sure your nutcracker is makes your pink sweater a perfect Christmas fashion item.

Actually, like the previous one, this pepto pink sweater seems horrendously tacky if you ask me. Also, nutcrackers are kind of creepy.

Actually, like the previous one, this pepto pink sweater seems horrendously tacky if you ask me. Also, nutcrackers are kind of creepy.

47. Be sure to have your Christmas suit contain snowmen and Christmas trees.

I'm sure this guy loves to model in this suit for the Amazon catalog site. Still, he doesn't look that bad, but he must feel embarrassed.

I’m sure this guy loves to model in this suit for the Amazon catalog site. Still, he doesn’t look that bad, but he must feel embarrassed.

48. Looks like Santa Claus needs to make a pit stop.

Well, if Santa has to go, he's gotta go. And if he doesn't have access to a bathroom at the moment, he'll go in the snow.

Well, if Santa has to go, he’s gotta go. And if he doesn’t have access to a bathroom at the moment, he’ll go in the snow.

49. Of course, this guy certainly rocks in his Christmas tree suit.

Sure this guy may be modeling very ugly suits, but he can take a ride in my one horse open sleigh any day.

Sure this guy may be modeling very ugly suits, but he can take a ride in my one horse open sleigh any day.

50. Seems that Twinkletoes has met a great reception for her North Pole gig.

Then again, seems like Santa's elves seemed starved for entertainment lately. Looks like there's not much you can do at the North Pole.

Then again, seems like Santa’s elves seemed starved for entertainment lately. Looks like there’s not much you can do at the North Pole.

51. Of course, why have a Christmas sweater when you can’t include a Santa frog on it?

Seriously, what do frogs have to do with Christmas? They don't live in the North Pole. Still, seems like this woman is proud of her creation.

Seriously, what do frogs have to do with Christmas? They don’t live in the North Pole. Still, seems like this woman is proud of her creation.

52. I call this one, “Angel Boobs.”

And I'm sure the "Ho, Ho, Ho," part of that sweater doesn't help matters if you know what I mean.

And I’m sure the “Ho, Ho, Ho,” part of that sweater doesn’t help matters if you know what I mean.

53. Rock in your Yuletide cheer in this Christmas sweater.

I know those are supposed to be bells, but they look so much like tighty whiteys to me.

I know those are supposed to be bells, but they look so much like tighty whiteys to me.

54. Seems like the Santa Police have been searching for the baby Jesus.

Wait a minute, didn't Santa Claus came after baby Jesus? Seriously, what's with the flashlight? I'm sure they didn't have those during the first century BCE.

Wait a minute, didn’t Santa Claus came after baby Jesus? Seriously, what’s with the flashlight? I’m sure they didn’t have those during the first century BCE.

55. I call this one, “Frosty the Snow Boobs.”

I don't know about you but this flashy Christmas sweater seems so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why?

I don’t know about you but this flashy Christmas sweater seems so wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why?

56. You can’t possibly go overboard with tinsel and poinsettias.

Still, I think this guy kind of overdid it on the tinsel and the poinsettias. Still, I'm sure the woman won't have to worry about having a wardrobe malfunction.

Still, I think this guy kind of overdid it on the tinsel and the poinsettias. Still, I’m sure the woman won’t have to worry about having a wardrobe malfunction.

57. During the year, Santa Claus sits on his candy cane throne watching over to identify the good girls and boys.

Now I'm sure that this candy canes make a perfect background for Santa's chair. Still, this is quite hysterical.

Now I’m sure that this candy canes make a perfect background for Santa’s chair. Still, this is quite hysterical.

58. Who needs a Christmas tree when you can dress like one?

Okay, this guy seems to look less like a Christmas tree and more like a guy who likes to deck himself in tinsel and baubles.

Okay, this guy seems to look less like a Christmas tree and more like a guy who likes to deck himself in tinsel and baubles.

59. Because you can’t have too many candy cane lollipop lights for your Santa sweater.

On second thought, yes, I think there's just too many candy cane lollipop lights here. Also, the Santa might be quite hideous as well.

On second thought, yes, I think there’s just too many candy cane lollipop lights here. Also, the Santa might be quite hideous as well.

60. Of course, you’d always need to have tree on your Christmas sweater that shimmers.

Now I'm sure wearing this shiny Christmas will certainly make you really stand out. Also, may attract people with ADHD.

Now I’m sure wearing this shiny Christmas will certainly make you really stand out. Also, may attract people with ADHD.

For More: http://www.uglychristmassweater.com/

The Enchanting Winter Wonderland of Ice Sculpture

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There’s so much to be said about ice sculpture. Pieces can range from abstract to realistic as well as from functional to decorative. Yet, the temperature of a snow sculpture’s environment often indicates how long it will last since many are used for special and/or extravagant events, like weddings for instance. In places like Florida or Mexico, an ice sculpture has a very short shelf life even in an air conditioned room. In places like northern Alaska or Siberia, ice sculptures could last for months. Yet, like in snow sculpture festivals and winter carnivals, you’re likely to see a lot of ice sculptures as well. Yet, unlike the snow sculptures in my previous post, sculptures of ice could be smaller and made indoors. Still, many of them are relics of winter beauty and has a great popular following. Some of these sculptures will range from the highly creative, to pop culture stuff, and other motifs as well as come in most shapes and sizes and all over the world. So without further adieu, here is a treasury of ice sculpture which I hope you’d like to see.

1. Hey, I didn’t know there was an ice sculpture of Buckbeak!

Of course, whenever you encounter a Hippogriff, treat it with respect and courtesy or it will bit you. Remember what happened to Draco Malfoy in the 3rd Harry Potter book.

Of course, whenever you encounter a Hippogriff, treat it with respect and courtesy or it will bit you. Remember what happened to Draco Malfoy in the 3rd Harry Potter book. Of course, biting that brat almost got Buckbeak killed.

2. Of course, this ice sculpture could always make any occasion look presidential.

Of course, I think the White House may have claim on this one. Using this for your banquet might get you arrested by the Secret Service. Just saying.

Of course, I think the White House may have claim on this one. Using this for your banquet might get you arrested by the Secret Service. Just saying.

3. For all you bug lovers, how about an ice sculpture of a praying mantis?

Just so you know, remember that it's well known that after two praying manti mate, the female cuts her guy's head off and devours him. You might want to take that into account.

Just so you know, remember that it’s well known that after two praying manti mate, the female cuts her guy’s head off and devours him. You might want to take that into account.

4. Add a touch of Paris to your ice sculpture festival with this Effiel Tower sculpture.

Now according to this picture, I'm sure this wasn't carved from just a single block of ice. Also, must be quite huge.

Now according to this picture, I’m sure this wasn’t carved from just a single block of ice. Also, must be quite huge.

5. Relive the magic of King Kong with this movie tribute ice sculpture.

Sure he's a giant gorilla from Skull Island who abducted a blond girl he took to the Empire State Building. Yet, it would be the beauty that would kill this beast, not the airplanes.

Sure he’s a giant gorilla from Skull Island who abducted a blond girl he took to the Empire State Building. Yet, it would be the beauty that would kill this beast, not the airplanes.

6. For the American Patriot, here’s an ice sculpture of the American Bald Eagle.

Of course, this is the bald Eagle symbol you see on the Great Seal of the United States, which is the nation's national coat of arms.

Of course, this is the bald Eagle symbol you see on the Seal of the President of the United States, which is the nation’s national coat of arms. So looks like the White House has dibs on that one, too.

7. It’s a horse? It’s a mermaid? No, guys, it’s a hippocampus.

Now a hippocampus is a water mythological creature of a cross between a horse and a fish. Basically a horse mermaid. And a couple of them were used to pull Poseidon's chariot under the sea.

Now a hippocampus is a water mythological creature of a cross between a horse and a fish. Basically a horse mermaid. And a couple of them were used to pull Poseidon’s chariot under the sea.

8. Nothing brings out the graceful beauty of the sea in ice sculpture of flying fish.

Yes, these are flying fish and they do exist. However, they don't actually "fly" but jump long distances from the water that enable it to glide. They usually do this to avoid predators.

Yes, these are flying fish and they do exist. However, they don’t actually “fly” but jump long distances from the water that enable it to glide. They usually do this to avoid predators.

9. Of course, in the Disney movies, Aladdin never had a friend like the Genie.

R. I. P. Robin Williams, you will be missed. Still, I'm not sure if this ice sculpture portrays the Genie in a good light. Kind of creepy looking if you ask me.

R. I. P. Robin Williams, you will be missed. Still, I’m not sure if this ice sculpture portrays the Genie in a good light. Kind of creepy looking if you ask me.

10. Now this is a cute ice sculpture than WALL-E and EVE.

Never has a love story between robots has been captured so memorably in this ice sculpture post as the one in the movie WALL-E.

Never has a love story between robots has been captured so memorably in this ice sculpture post as the one in the movie WALL-E.

11. Now that’s a mighty big lit up ice boat.

Now from the look of it, I wonder if the lights are meant to represent sails or ropes. I mean it's very hard to tell whether it's a Chinese junk or a Spanish Galleon. Perhaps an expert from the Age of Sail could help me.

Now from the look of it, I wonder if the lights are meant to represent sails or ropes. I mean it’s very hard to tell whether it’s a Chinese junk or a Spanish Galleon. Perhaps an expert from the Age of Sail could help me.

12. Nothing makes a better fire than an ice fire.

Of course put this ice fire under a real fire and it will be reduced to a puddle of water.

Of course put this ice fire under a real fire and it will be reduced to a puddle of water.

13. I now give you an ice sculpture of an Asian woman and her large fan.

I have to admit, this is one spectacular work of art. However, this is probably a Chinese sculpture since this picture might've been taken during the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival.

I have to admit, this is one spectacular work of art. However, this is probably a Chinese sculpture since this picture might’ve been taken during the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival.

14. Of course, this ice angel is totally chilling.

Of course, I hope this angel is careful when making a "V" sign. Doing it with fingers exposed really offends the Brits. Yet, I'm sure he or she didn't mean to offend.

Of course, I hope this angel is careful when making a “V” sign. Doing it with fingers exposed really offends the Brits. Yet, I’m sure he or she didn’t mean to offend.

15. Might want to feast your eyes on these Pittsburgh Penguins this hockey season.

Yes, these are penguins, and yes, they are in Pittsburgh. Got any problem with that. Still, adorable.

Yes, these are penguins, and yes, they are in Pittsburgh. Got any problem with that? Still, if I posted one of Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, or Chris Letang, it wouldn’t turn out so well.

16. May I present to you an ice sculpture of a phoenix or firebird.

Sure it may look like a firerbird, but to me it kind of resembles a frozen waterbird. Seriously, the thing would melt if you put it near fire.

Sure it may look like a firerbird, but to me it kind of resembles a frozen waterbird. Seriously, the thing would melt if you put it near fire.

17. The lone wolf stands as a leader of the pack.

Of course, the Alpha Male and Female are usually the only two wolves in the pack who mate. Not to mention, most of the wolves in the pack are usually siblings.

Of course, the Alpha Male and Female are usually the only two wolves in the pack who mate. Not to mention, most of the wolves in the pack are usually siblings.

18. Heard of an ice castle? Well, here’s an ice cathedral.

Of course, I'm sure this isn't a real ice church but I'm not sure what building this was modeled on. Still, it's a very colorful display as if it was made entirely of stained glass windows.

Of course, I’m sure this isn’t a real ice church but I’m not sure what building this was modeled on. Still, it’s a very colorful display as if it was made entirely of stained glass windows.

19. May I present to you, Disney’s Cinderella’s Castle on ice

Of course you would never be able to have an ice sculpture of Cinderella's Castle at the real Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Still, it's pretty spectacular.

Of course you would never be able to have an ice sculpture of Cinderella’s Castle at the real Disney World near Orlando, Florida. Still, it’s pretty spectacular.

20. Relive the glory of Ancient Egypt with this ice sculpture of the Great Sphnix.

Funny, I don't remember the ancient Egyptians ever using ice or knowing anything about refrigeration. So whether they could've carved ice sculptures just seems impossible.

Funny, I don’t remember the ancient Egyptians ever using ice or knowing anything about refrigeration. So whether they could’ve carved ice sculptures just seems impossible.

21. Of course, I couldn’t do a post on ice sculpture without including a swan.

Still, whenever you see an ice sculpture in popular media how often do you think it's going to be of a swan? Then again, do you think any couple getting married would want to go with an ice sculpture of two praying manti?

Still, whenever you see an ice sculpture in popular media how often do you think it’s going to be of a swan? Then again, do you think any couple getting married would want to go with an ice sculpture of two praying manti?

22. Now I can’t do a post of ice sculptures without including one of a snowflake.

Of course, this is basically a frozen water sculpture depicting a small piece of frozen precipitation. Not to get technical here if you know what I mean.

Of course, this is basically a frozen water sculpture depicting a small piece of frozen precipitation. Not to get technical here if you know what I mean.

23. How would you like a frozen Blackberry?

 Of course, you'll have to worry about your thumbs getting stuck to it as you try to text your buddies.


Of course, you’ll have to worry about your thumbs getting stuck to it as you try to text your buddies. Also, doesn’t work like a real Blackberry.

24. Nothing brings the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival to life like a neon lighted ice gazebo and ledge.

No, this wasn't made from yellow snow. They actually light up these at night to bring color to them. Get your mind out of the gutter.

No, this wasn’t made from yellow snow. They actually light up these at night to bring color to them. Get your mind out of the gutter.

25. Seems like this bear and fox are sharing a thermos.

Fox: "Whats in that?" Bear: "I don't know but it's some sort of funny smelling brown water that tastes kind of strange. Wanna try?"

Fox: “Whats in that?”
Bear: “I don’t know but it’s some sort of funny smelling brown water that tastes kind of strange. Wanna try?”

26. Experience the 1925 Serum Run with this ice sculpture of Balto’s Charge.

Now for those who've seen the cartoon film Balto as a child: while doing my movie history research, I found that the real story of Balto is very different from the film. For one, he was only the last lead dog on the 1925 Serum Run which wasn't a race at all. Second, Balto was a purebred and trained husky who had been neutered at a young age (so this means he never had any pups). And third, well, he ended up dying in the Cleveland Zoo after spending a couple miserable years on the vaudeville circuit.

Now for those who’ve seen the cartoon film Balto as a child: while doing my movie history research, I found that the real story of Balto is very different from the film. For one, he was only the last lead dog on the 1925 Serum Run which wasn’t a race at all. Second, Balto was a purebred and trained husky who had been neutered at a young age (so this means he never had any pups). And third, well, he ended up dying in the Cleveland Zoo after spending a couple miserable years on the vaudeville circuit.

27. Let this beautiful ice eagle soar.

When pertaining to works of art, why is it that I tend to gravitate toward predators like birds of prey? Must be how majestically they look in the air.

When pertaining to works of art, why is it that I tend to gravitate toward predators like birds of prey? Must be how majestically they look in the air.

28. On this Christmas season, why don’t you take a seat on this icy one horse open sleigh?

Of course, this may be a better place for a Christmas photo op with your sweetheart or family than an actual ride. Seriously, ice horses don't go anywhere.

Of course, this may be a better place for a Christmas photo op with your sweetheart or family than an actual ride. Seriously, ice horses don’t go anywhere.

29. Grace your winter party with his lovely ice Christmas tree.

Now I'm not sure if red is a good color to illuminate this Christmas tree. Kind of looks tacky. But this little tree is so lovely.

Now I’m not sure if red is a good color to illuminate this Christmas tree. Kind of looks tacky. But this little tree is so lovely.

30. “Move along, Storm Trooper, because these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

Yes, as they have a Star Wars rendition for everything, so shall I post an ice sculpture display of C3PO and R2 D2.

Yes, as they have a Star Wars rendition for everything, so shall I post an ice sculpture display of C3PO and R2 D2.

31. Of course, for a day in the snow, you’d always need a place to relax like this comfy chair.

Then again, sitting on a chair of ice isn't really a comfortable way to relax. Also you might get stuck on it, especially if you try to lick it with your tongue.

Then again, sitting on a chair of ice isn’t really a comfortable way to relax. Also you might get stuck on it, especially if you try to lick it with your tongue.

32. No ice sculpture post is complete without one of the US Capitol Building or so I think.

Now if only I could get Congress to hold session in this building instead. Of course, this place may offer accommodations that are way too luxurious for the likes of them.

Now if only I could get Congress to hold session in this building instead. Of course, this place may offer accommodations that are way too luxurious for the likes of them.

33. “Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!”

"On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place."

“On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.”

34. Of course, since there are snow and ice festivals in Asia, I can’t forget one of the Buddha.

It's said that Buddhist monks gather at a Buddha ice sculpture and watch it gradually melt as a reminder for their own mortality.

It’s said that Buddhist monks gather at a Buddha ice sculpture and watch it gradually melt as a reminder for their own mortality.

35. See this ice sculpture as a reminder of why there is a deer hunting season in Pennsylvania.

Of course, we need to remember that during the rut, these two bucks are just fighting over the girls. Meanwhile, the skinny buck in the distance just scored with the doe in question.

Of course, we need to remember that during the rut, these two bucks are just fighting over the girls. Meanwhile, the skinny buck in the distance just scored with the doe in question.

36. As this ice sculpture implies, tonight we’re having swordfish for dinner.

Of course, if you don't see an ice sculpture of a swan in movies, it's either of doves or this. Yet, this would've made guessing the password on Horse Feathers much easier.

Of course, if you don’t see an ice sculpture of a swan in movies, it’s either of doves or this. Yet, this would’ve made guessing the password on Horse Feathers much easier.

37. Now here is a great ice sculpture of a World War I flying ace.

My mistake, that's actually Snoopy as a WWI flying ace on his dog house. Of course, he'll never shoot down the Red Baron.

My mistake, that’s actually Snoopy as a WWI flying ace on his dog house. Of course, he’ll never shoot down the Red Baron.

38. Of course, the ice ship has anchored.

Of course, this is an ice sculpture of an anchor, perhaps for some party at some ice ship or something.

Of course, this is an ice sculpture of an anchor, perhaps for some party at some ice ship or something.

39. Of course, while there’s heavy metal, there’s a chilling ice electric guitar.

This is a nice guitar and amplifier but I doubt that you'd want to play with it. Of course, it will melt if you put it near fire.

This is a nice guitar and amplifier but I doubt that you’d want to play with it. Of course, it will melt if you put it near fire.

40. Relive the glory of Ancient Rome on ice with this Roman Coliseum ice sculpture.

Now if only they held gladiator matches in them with the fighters wearing ice skates. Then again, I don't think I'd want to see that but I know the Romans would totally want to see it.

Now if only they held gladiator matches in them with the fighters wearing ice skates. Then again, I don’t think I’d want to see that but I know the Romans would totally want to see it.

41. For you wild hogs out there, check out this ice Harley Davison motorcycle.

Of course, I don't know whether ice sculptures go well with motorcycle fans. Then again, they'd probably approve of this.

Of course, I don’t know whether ice sculptures go well with motorcycle fans. Then again, they’d probably approve of this.

42. Now this technicolor ice palace is sensational.

I don't know about you but I kind of see the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival as China's version Disney World on Ice in a very literal sense.

I don’t know about you but I kind of see the Harbin Snow and Ice Festival as China’s version Disney World on Ice in a very literal sense.

43. Now feast your eyes on this lovely icy peacock.

Of course, you've never seen a  see through icy peacock like this. Still, rather spectacular.

Of course, you’ve never seen a see through icy peacock like this. Still, rather spectacular and lovely.

44. Go to your winter formal with this stylish ice coach.

Of course, this coach wasn't magically created from a pumpkin, but I'm not sure if you want to go to the ball in it either.

Of course, this coach wasn’t magically created from a pumpkin, but I’m not sure if you want to go to the ball in it either.

45. To commemorate the birth of our Savior, here’s a nice ice sculpture nativity scene.

Of course, this might be a great one to have outside a church during the Christmas season.

Of course, this might be a great one to have outside a church during the Christmas season. Still, very lovely and beautiful.

46. I’m sure this amusement park ice sculpture is bound to put a smile on anyone’s face.

Then again, this might be an ice sculpture of London during a carnival time. I mean some of them tend to resemble buildings you see there, especially the one that looks like a giant Faberge egg.

Then again, this might be an ice sculpture of London during a carnival time. I mean some of them tend to resemble buildings you see there, especially the one that looks like a giant Faberge egg.

47. From 19th century Paris, we have Auguste Rodin’s The Thinker statue.

Of course, if you want to get situated with Midnight in Paris, remember that Rose was the wife and Camille was his mistress. And he loved both.

Of course, if you want to get situated with Midnight in Paris, remember that Rose was the wife and Camille was his mistress. And he loved both.

48. I call this ice sculpture: A Tribute to New York City.

Now I think this ice sculpture was made for some sort of event or something. Still, all of it seems to be lit in pink for some reason.

Now I think this ice sculpture was made for some sort of event or something. Still, all of it seems to be lit in pink for some reason.

49. Experience the beauty of Italy with this Leaning Tower of Pisa ice sculpture.

Of course, if you remove the parasol and expose it to the sun, it will melt. Still, it's a very beautiful sculpture.

Of course, if you remove the parasol and expose it to the sun, it will melt. Still, it’s a very beautiful sculpture.

50. Hope this ice Statue of Liberty can light the way into your life.

Of course, they use the Statue of Liberty for almost every art medium since its such a icon and symbol of New York City.

Of course, they use the Statue of Liberty for almost every art medium since its such a icon and symbol of New York City.

51. I bring you the Ice Tiger.

There's something magical about this lovely ice sculpture tiger in the snow. Of course, tigers are very majestic and beautiful creatures nevertheless.

There’s something magical about this lovely ice sculpture tiger in the snow. Of course, tigers are very majestic and beautiful creatures nevertheless.

52. No post on ice sculptures would be complete without one of the RMS Titanic.

Of course, the fact the Titanic sank after hitting an iceberg adds further to the irony. Still, I have to admit it's a beautiful piece.

Of course, the fact the Titanic sank after hitting an iceberg adds further to the irony. Still, I have to admit it’s a beautiful piece.

53. Never has there been an ice sculpture in 65 million years as one of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I'm not sure if there was any ice in the Cretaceous period, but this sculpture is totally awesome.

I’m not sure if there was any ice in the Cretaceous period, but this sculpture is totally awesome.

54. This movie camera ice sculpture also holds beers.

Of course, I posted this sculpture because I'm a real movie buff and TCM fan. As for beer, I don't touch the stuff.

Of course, I posted this sculpture because I’m a real movie buff and TCM fan. As for beer, I don’t touch the stuff.

55. For your Stanley Cup winning NHL team, celebrate your victory with this ice sculpture.

Now if only the Pens could win another Stanley Cup Championship can we see such lovely ice sculpture at the Consol Energy Center.

Now if only the Pens could win another Stanley Cup Championship can we see such lovely ice sculpture at the Consol Energy Center.

56. Don’t look now but I think we may have an ice chess whiz on our hands.

Of course, I'm not sure whether I could tell which side is black and which side is white from this perspective. Still, this looks pretty awesome.

Of course, I’m not sure whether I could tell which side is black and which side is white from this perspective. Still, this looks pretty awesome.

57. Now here’s a great ice sculpture of a fish skeleton.

Sure this may be the kind of ice sculpture to traumatize your kids with. But, hey, doesn't it look cool?

Sure this may be the kind of ice sculpture to traumatize your kids with. But, hey, doesn’t it look cool?

58. Don’t look now, but I think we may have an ice city on our hands.

Of course, this is Harbin during its snow and ice festival. And, yes, the ice buildings are lit up like that for the night display. Spectacular isn't it?

Of course, this is Harbin during its snow and ice festival. And, yes, the ice buildings are lit up like that for the night display. Spectacular isn’t it?

59. Now I would love to see this angel blow his horn for me any day.

Of course, I don't mind that he's showing his abs or so it seems. Still, I love how it's lit up to be purple.

Of course, I don’t mind that he’s showing his abs or so it seems. Still, I love how it’s lit up to be purple.

60. Of course, whoever heard of an ice ship in a bottle?

I don't know about you, but do you ever wonder how they managed to pull this off? I do. Seriously, I don't know how the ship got into the bottle in the first place.

I don’t know about you, but do you ever wonder how they managed to pull this off? I do. Seriously, I don’t know how the ship got into the bottle in the first place.

For more: http://photobucket.com/images/ice%20sculpture?page=1

The Enchanting Winter Wonderland of Snow Sculpture

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Of course, snowmen aren’t the only thing you can make from snow during the winter. If you love to play in the snow and are a talented artist there’s snow sculpture which is comparable to sand sculpture which I’ve done in the past and ice sculpture which I’ll do next. Sometimes it’s seen as performance art and sometimes it’s not. Yet, whatever you think about it, a lot of snow sculptures will produce works of white winter beauties for international contests you’d see in the US, Canada, China, Russia, France, Poland, and Japan, which are usually held in January and February. Tools often include saws, shovels, and hatchets and sometimes such works are carved from large blocks of snow about 6 to 15 feet and weighing about 20-30 tons. The snow could either be produced naturally or through 7 Springs technology but it’s densely packed for obvious reasons. In this post, you’ll see many lovely snow sculptures that will astound you beyond your wildest dreams. So without further adieu, here are some of the lovely snow sculptures from this enchanting winter wonderland.

1. Check out this artistic rendition of a white fox in its natural habitat.

Of course, this may not be a realistic representation but it's sure cute if you know what I mean.

Of course, this may not be a realistic representation but it’s sure cute if you know what I mean.

2. How would you like to spend a winter in this snow cabin?

I'd sure hate to be the guy at that place when the snow starts thawing or during a blizzard. Also, hope the snow doesn't cause a roof cave in.

I’d sure hate to be the guy at that place when the snow starts thawing or during a blizzard. Also, hope the snow doesn’t cause a roof cave in.

3. Nothing captures the exotic beauty of India than a snow sculpture of the Taj Mahal.

Of course, anyone who knows anything about India knows creating such a  sculpture like this wouldn't be possible in that country. Well, save maybe the Himalaya Mountains, but you don't want to go there.

Of course, anyone who knows anything about India knows creating such a sculpture like this wouldn’t be possible in that country. Well, save maybe the Himalaya Mountains, but you don’t want to go there.

4. Funny, I always thought wolves usually howled at the moon at night.

Then again, this sculpture certainly looks like a wolf down to its very detail. I wonder how that's even possible.

Then again, this sculpture certainly looks like a wolf down to its very detail. I wonder how that’s even possible.

5. As Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

However, while this snow rose is quite beautiful and graceful in the winter landscape, it's also so freaking huge if you know what I mean.

However, while this snow rose is quite beautiful and graceful in the winter landscape, it’s also so freaking huge if you know what I mean.

6. Of course, you can’t have a snow and ice contest in China without a snow sculpture of Confucius.

I mean no Chinese philosopher has influenced China and its people more than this guy has. In fact, for a long time in China, you had to study his Analects and the commentaries just to pass a civil service test.

I mean no Chinese philosopher has influenced China and its people more than this guy has. In fact, for a long time in China, you had to study his Analects and the commentaries just to pass a civil service test.

7. Of course, I couldn’t do a post on snow sculpture without including Hans Christen Andersen’s Snow Queen.

Contrary to popular belief while Frozen was inspired by the Snow Queen, it's not necessarily based on it. Also, the Snow Queen's name isn't Elsa and she doesn't have a troubled relationship with her sister. Nor does she cause eternal winter to her kingdom while singing, "Let It Go."

Contrary to popular belief while Frozen was inspired by the Snow Queen, it’s not necessarily based on it. Also, the Snow Queen’s name isn’t Elsa and she doesn’t have a troubled relationship with her sister. Nor does she cause eternal winter to her kingdom while singing, “Let It Go.”

8. This bear seems to have an avid interest in film making.

Of course, I don't think he's as interested in cinema as you'd like to think he is. I think he suspects that this camera contains food and it will be completely ruined when its human owner comes back.

Of course, I don’t think he’s as interested in cinema as you’d like to think he is. I think he suspects that this camera contains food and it will be completely ruined when its human owner comes back.

9. Of course, being the Christmas season, I’ll have to include a snow sculpture of ol’ Saint Nick.

Just try sitting on that guy's lap and telling him what you'd want for Christmas. Then again, it's probably better if you sit on this Santa's hand.

Just try sitting on that guy’s lap and telling him what you’d want for Christmas. Then again, it’s probably better if you sit on this Santa’s hand.

10. “He’s got the whole world in His hand?”

Well, it may seem like a cartoonified globe but still, I wonder how its artist manage to hollow the sculpture out as much as they did. Also, how didn't  this sculpture collapse? Guess snow is that compacted.

Well, it may seem like a cartoonified globe but still, I wonder how its artist manage to hollow the sculpture out as much as they did. Also, how didn’t this sculpture collapse? Guess snow is that compacted.

11. You’ve heard of a sand castle? Well, here’s a snow castle.

Now this castle snow sculpture just about puts Queen Elsa to shame. That is, if this castle were actually life sized and built as an actual castle. Still, very spectacular.

Now this castle snow sculpture just about puts Queen Elsa to shame. That is, if this castle were actually life sized and built as an actual castle. Still, very spectacular.

12. While we’re on the subject of snow castles, here’s a snow replica of Germany’s fairy tale Neuschwanstein Castle.

Of course, this castle's construction wouldn't be possible without the delusional madness of King Ludwig of Bavaria. Sure this project bankrupted Bavaria yet it's now a popular tourist destination in Germany today.

Of course, this castle’s construction wouldn’t be possible without the delusional madness of King Ludwig of Bavaria. Sure this project bankrupted Bavaria yet it’s now a popular tourist destination in Germany today.

13. Seems like this shark has a dental appointment with the Flash or some other superhero. It’s hard to tell at this angle.

Still, I'll take a moment here to remind kids to never ever stick their hand in a shark's mouth. Seriously, don't ever try this at home if you have any common sense.

Still, I’ll take a moment here to remind kids to never ever stick their hand in a shark’s mouth. Seriously, don’t ever try this at home if you have any common sense.

14. If it’s winter, why go on a vacation to Easter Island if you can have Moai in your front yard?

Of course, we know how these Moai came to this neighborhood. And I'm sure people on Easter Island can't make their own Moai from snow because they don't get any.

Of course, we know how these Moai came to this neighborhood. And I’m sure people on Easter Island can’t make their own Moai from snow because they don’t get any.

15. Of course, I couldn’t forget a snow sculpture of the minions from Despicable Me.

Of course, minons make rather easy snow sculptures and they're in color, too. Still, these are minions nobody could ever resist.

Of course, minons make rather easy snow sculptures and they’re in color, too. Still, these are minions nobody could ever resist. Who ever thought we’d think of these cute little guys when we mention “minions”?

16. Whether it be in rain, snow, sleet, or hail, you’ll always see Snoopy sleeping on his doghouse.

Of course, I always wonder why Snoopy prefers to sleep on his doghouse while he can certainly sleep inside. Then again, he may use his doghouse for office space, but still.

Of course, I always wonder why Snoopy prefers to sleep on his doghouse while he can certainly sleep inside. Then again, he may use his doghouse for office space, but still.

17. Nothing can please a Thai more royally than a snow replica of Bangkok’s Chakri Maha Prasat in the Grand Palace Complex.

Of course, while Bangkok is a city known for many things, it sure does know how to make a lot of money. Still, while this sculpture is impressive, please don't have it's viewing set to the Oscar & Hammerstein musical The King and I, because it didn't get a good reception in Thailand. In fact, the Thais had it banned.

Of course, while Bangkok is a city known for many things, it sure does know how to make a lot of money. Still, while this sculpture is impressive, please don’t have it’s viewing set to the Oscar & Hammerstein musical The King and I, because it didn’t get a good reception in Thailand. In fact, the Thais had it banned.

18. Who can forget this snow sculpture of the Grimm Brother’s famous fairy tale, “The Frog Prince?”

Of course, the Grimm's "The Frog Prince" has one of the most unfortunate morals in fairy tales which goes like, "Ladies, if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex." Let's just say that the Disney version was much better.

Of course, the Grimm’s “The Frog Prince” has one of the most unfortunate morals in fairy tales which goes like, “Ladies, if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex.” Let’s just say that the Disney version was much better.

19. Winter is the season when you see birds visit the birdhouse for the birdseed, especially the cardinal.

Neither does it stop the woodland rodents from trying to get to the birdseed either. Then again, there are some squirrel species that also eat birds.

Yet, this doesn’t stop the woodland rodents from trying to get to the birdseed either. Then again, there are some squirrel species that also eat birds.

20. Never underestimate the appeal China has for their dragons.

I'm sure this sculpture is a rendition of a Chinese folktale and not a Chinese retelling of  J. R. R. Tolkein's The Hobbit. After all, Asian dragons are seen as wise and powerful sages that help the heroes, which is very different from the Western tradition.

I’m sure this sculpture is a rendition of a Chinese folktale and not a Chinese retelling of J. R. R. Tolkein’s The Hobbit. After all, Asian dragons are seen as wise and powerful sages that help the heroes, which is very different from the Western tradition.

21. How about a snow sculpture of the Brussels Stock Exchange?

This building doesn't really have a distinct name but the BSE was founded by Napoleon Bonaparte in 1801. Still, the Belgians call this place the Bouers.

This building doesn’t really have a distinct name but the BSE was founded by Napoleon Bonaparte in 1801. Still, the Belgians call this place the Bouers.

22. Now here’s a snow sculpture of an eagle in its natural habitat.

I'm not sure if that's a bald eagle (though it probably is) or whether the fish is a salmon. Still, looks very cool though and that eagle sure looks menacing.

I’m not sure if that’s a bald eagle (though it probably is) or whether the fish is a salmon. Still, looks very cool though and that eagle sure looks menacing.

23. Relive the grandeur of the Chinese Empire with a snow sculpture of Beijing’s Forbidden Palace.

I'm sure I posted a similar picture in my movie history post about China. I swear it was from The Last Emperor, which was about the life of Emperor Puyi.

I’m sure I posted a similar picture in my movie history post about China. I swear it was from The Last Emperor, which was about the life of Emperor Puyi.

24. What would winter be without a snow sculpture of polar bears and penguins?

Now that's a cute sculpture but very much misplaced wildlife. I mean polar bears and penguins are only seen together in zoos and not in the same enclosure. Because that would be bad for the penguin.

Now that’s a cute sculpture but very much misplaced wildlife. I mean polar bears and penguins are only seen together in zoos and not in the same enclosure. Because that would be bad for the penguin.

25. Witness the glory of Ancient Athens with the famous Parthenon, which was the temple of Athena.

Of course, the real Parthenon isn't anywhere near as stunning as this one is. Mostly because the real one has fallen to centuries of decline and ruin.

Of course, the real Parthenon isn’t anywhere near as stunning as this one is. Mostly because the real one has fallen to centuries of decline and ruin.

26. Now this is an interesting geometric design here. Looks like some sort of flower.

What astounds me most about this snow sculpture is how this artist got it to stand like that. Not only that but its design seems very delicate and graceful.

What astounds me most about this snow sculpture is how this artist got it to stand like that. Not only that but its design seems very delicate and graceful.

27. All aboard on the Polar Express.

Don't worry this isn't the train from the scary Christmas movie with Tom Hanks. Still, reminds me of an older model of a Coors Light Train.

Don’t worry this isn’t the train from the scary Christmas movie with Tom Hanks. Still, reminds me of an older model of a Coors Light Train.

28. Aww, cute a dad with his little kid in their snow suit.

Now you got to love this statue. However, at least this little kid won't end up like Ralphie's brother in A Christmas Story who couldn't move his arms in his.

Now you got to love this statue. However, at least this little kid won’t end up like Ralphie’s brother in A Christmas Story who couldn’t move his arms in his.

29. Only a snow sculpture like this could bring us into a prehistoric world of dinosaurs.

While making a snow sculpture of dinosaurs is okay, just make sure that they don't come to life. You don't want to live through a Jurassic Park situation.

While making a snow sculpture of dinosaurs is okay, just make sure that they don’t come to life. You don’t want to live through a Jurassic Park situation.

30. Now here’s a nice little snow sculpture of a squirrel gathering nuts.

Of course, I really don't understand why these acorns have faces. Not only that, but I'm puzzled on why the one the squirrel is holding smiling.

Of course, I really don’t understand why these acorns have faces. Not only that, but I’m puzzled on why the one the squirrel is holding smiling.

31. You never thought such flying horses could be so graceful in the snow.

Of course, these horses are just incredibly huge and you wouldn't want to ride on them. Still, these are quite cool if you know what I mean.

Of course, these horses are just incredibly huge and you wouldn’t want to ride on them. Still, these are quite cool if you know what I mean.

32. Don’t look at this snow sculpture in the eye or else she’d turn you into stone.

You should know that this is a depiction of Medusa, you know one of the Gorgons. Still, she does have a haunting look, doesn't she? Yet, she ain't ugly if you know what I mean.

You should know that this is a depiction of Medusa, you know one of the Gorgons. Still, she does have a haunting look, doesn’t she? Yet, she ain’t ugly if you know what I mean.

33. Nothing represents American pride more at a snow sculpture contest than one of Lady Liberty herself.

Yes, this is Lady Liberty as a snow sculpture and notice that she seems to look lovely today, especially with her blue eyes.

Yes, this is Lady Liberty as a snow sculpture and notice that she seems to look lovely today, especially with her blue eyes.

34. If you want to glorify Spanish modernist architecture, perhaps the Barcelona’s Church of the Sagrada Familia would do quite nicely.

Now I'm sure the Spanish wouldn't be able to do a snow sculpture like this in their country. Still, a very spectacular piece if you know what I mean.

Now I’m sure the Spanish wouldn’t be able to do a snow sculpture like this in their country. Still, a very spectacular piece if you know what I mean.

35. Now this polar bear is so adorable for your front lawn.

Now I know that polar bears no not creatures you'd want to cuddle with but this little cub is so huggable I want to take it home and name it Nappy.

Now I know that polar bears no not creatures you’d want to cuddle with but this little cub is so huggable I want to take it home and name it Nappy.

36. In this snow sculpture, if there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call?

Now this is a perfect tribute for Ghostbusters, especially with the depiction of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Wonder if Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd have seen this.

Now this is a perfect tribute for Ghostbusters, especially with the depiction of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Wonder if Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd have seen this.

37. Nothing brings glory to Mother Russia like a snow sculpture of Moscow’s Saint Basil’s Cathedral.

Ironically, while there's a lot of snow in Russia, this cathedral replica is at a snow sculpture contest in China. Yet, it's said that Ivan the Terrible thought Saint Basil's was so beautiful that he had the architect's eyes gouged out so he wouldn't build another one like it.

Ironically, while there’s a lot of snow in Russia, this cathedral replica is at a snow sculpture contest in China. Yet, it’s said that Ivan the Terrible thought Saint Basil’s was so beautiful that he had the architect’s eyes gouged out so he wouldn’t build another one like it.

38. Of course, you can’t have a post on snow sculpture without including a frosty rendition of Leonardo Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa.

Now could anyone say that this is a masterpiece? All I know is that Leonardo probably couldn't make a Mona Lisa out of snow back in Florence.

Now could anyone say that this is a masterpiece? All I know is that Leonardo probably couldn’t make a Mona Lisa out of snow back in Florence.

39. Now that is one wild hog there.

Hey, you never saw a pig on a motorcycle before? Of course, I'm sure there are some porkers who were born for the open road.

Hey, you never saw a pig on a motorcycle before? Of course, I’m sure there are some porkers who were born for the open road.

40. Didn’t know a Totem pole can come to life did you?

Of course, I wonder how these two faces ever get along with one another. I mean the totem creatures need to know how to live together in harmony some way.

Of course, I wonder how these two faces ever get along with one another. I mean the totem creatures need to know how to live together in harmony some way.

41. Admire the splendor of this medieval Japanese castle.

Yes, Japan has medieval castles, which were built by the daimyo warlords during their period of upheaval. They may not look like the ones you see in Europe but they're castles nonetheless.

Yes, Japan has medieval castles, which were built by the daimyo warlords during their period of upheaval. They may not look like the ones you see in Europe but they’re castles nonetheless.

42. Of course, you can’t have a snow sculpture contest without one of a giant rubber duck.

While we didn't have the snow sculpture edition in Pittsburgh, we had the rubber duck for the summer. It attracted a million visitors to the city.

While we didn’t have the snow sculpture edition in Pittsburgh, we had the rubber duck for the summer. It attracted a million visitors to the city.

43. If you like sea creatures, feast your eyes on this nautilus snow sculpture.

Now what astounds me more about this is how it's able to stand up and retain its shape. Still, it's pretty cool if you know what I mean.

Now what astounds me more about this is how it’s able to stand up and retain its shape. Still, it’s pretty cool if you know what I mean.

44. For those familiar with Pixar animation, here’s a snow sculpture of Nemo.

Of course, if Finding Nemo had been honest about the biology of clown fishes, you may not want to watch it. Seriously, it's disturbing.

Of course, if Finding Nemo had been honest about the biology of clown fishes, you may not want to watch it. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

45. Now here’s a snow sculpture of Inuits rescuing their distressed friends on an ice flow.

Now I would've called these people "Eskimos" but many of the Indians in the Arctic region think it's derogatory for some reason. Still, it's a very amazing sculpture in Quebec.

Now I would’ve called these people “Eskimos” but many of the Indians in the Arctic region think it’s derogatory for some reason. Still, it’s a very amazing sculpture in Quebec.

46. Of course, it’s easier to make a card house from snow than actual playing cards.

Now I'm sure you couldn't do that in your hometown if you live in Florida. Still, this is pretty amazing if you know what I mean.

Now I’m sure you couldn’t do that in your hometown if you live in Florida. Still, this is pretty amazing if you know what I mean.

47. Of course, you can’t leave Japan from a snow sculpture festival without including Hello Kitty.

I don't know about you but I need to say that Hello Kitty isn't actually a cat the same way that Gromit isn't actually a dog. Still, Hello Kitty is certainly a Japanese icon in her own right though.

I don’t know about you but I need to say that Hello Kitty isn’t actually a cat the same way that Gromit isn’t actually a dog. Still, Hello Kitty is certainly a Japanese icon in her own right though.

48. “Hello, kids, sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas.”

Even in the enchanting world of snow sculpture could you have a Santa Claus that can also haunt your dreams.

Even in the enchanting world of snow sculpture could you have a Santa Claus that can also haunt your dreams.

49. Let’s just say that some snow sculptures have the power of turning you to the Dark Side of the Force.

Still, you have to like how they used a lightsaber for Darth Vader to hold while he's standing next to the ornery R2 D2. Seems they have Star Wars depictions for everything.

Still, you have to like how they used a lightsaber for Darth Vader to hold while he’s standing next to the ornery R2 D2. Seems they have Star Wars depictions for everything.

50. Admire the grandeur of Chinese architecture with this snow sculpture of Beijing’s Temple of Heaven.

Now this Temple of Heaven is from an ice sculpture festival in Sappharo, Japan which is on the island of Hokkaido. Well, it's not an exact replica but it will do. Still, the Chinese idea of "Heaven" is also very different from the one in the Christian tradition.

Now this Temple of Heaven is from an ice sculpture festival in Sappharo, Japan which is on the island of Hokkaido. Well, it’s not an exact replica but it will do since the one in China has much more crap on it. Still, the Chinese idea of “Heaven” is also very different from the one in the Christian tradition.

51. Of course, you can’t have a snow festival in Asia without including a snow sculpture of the Buddha.

Of course, this is also at the Sappharo Snow Festival in Japan. Not to mention, that tall building is perhaps the once reigning tallest building in the world Taipei 101 from Taiwan. This was probably done for China or the country China considers part of its territory.

Of course, this is also at the Sappharo Snow Festival in Japan. Not to mention, that tall building is perhaps the once reigning tallest building in the world Taipei 101 from Taiwan. This was probably done for China or the country China considers part of its territory.

52. You’ve heard of the Sphnix, right? Well, here’s a snowy rendition of this you won’t find in Egypt.

Of course, unlike the one in Egypt, this one has yet to lose its nose to erosion. Still, unlike the ones in Greek mythology, Egyptian Sphinxes are undeniably male.

Of course, unlike the one in Egypt, this one has yet to lose its nose to erosion. Still, unlike the ones in Greek mythology, Egyptian Sphinxes are undeniably male.

53. Only in the world of snow can you see a giant white ballerina.

Now I think this might be taken from the Tchaikovsky ballet of Swan Lake since she's dressed with wings in a tutu. Yet, despite its popularity in Russia, ballet is actually more of a French dance. I mean it has French dance terms.

Now I think this might be taken from the Tchaikovsky ballet of Swan Lake since she’s dressed with wings in a tutu. Yet, despite its popularity in Russia, ballet is actually more of a French dance. I mean it has French dance terms.

54. Looks like we have a snow Trojan horse if there ever was one.

Note, if your enemy gives you a giant horse like this as an attempt to bury the hatchet, you might want to refuse. I mean, it's always said to beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

Note, if your enemy gives you a giant horse like this as an attempt to bury the hatchet, you might want to refuse. I mean, it’s always said to beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

55. Allow me to introduce you to a dog that sings the blues.

Of course, when you tell it to play dead, it tends to sing, "Riding that train, High on cocaine,....." You get the idea.

Of course, when you tell it to play dead, it tends to sing, “Riding that train, High on cocaine,…..” You get the idea.

56. Now nothing represents Great Britain in a snow sculpture festival than a rendition of London’s Saint Paul’s Cathedral.

Now this 17th century building was designed by Christopher Wren after the Great Fire of London. It has such an important stature in Britain that all London buildings must not obscure people from seeing it.

Now this 17th century building was designed by Christopher Wren after the Great Fire of London. It has such an important stature in Britain that all London buildings must not obscure people from seeing it.

57. Nothing glorifies the splendor of Malaysia than a snow sculpture rendition of Kuala Lumpur’s Sultan Abdul Samad building.

It was at this building where Malaysia's first flag waved after it gained its independence from Great Britain. Still, you couldn't build a snow sculpture like this in Malaysia because it's quite balmy there.

It was at this building where Malaysia’s first flag waved after it gained its independence from Great Britain. Still, you couldn’t build a snow sculpture like this in Malaysia because it’s quite balmy there.

58. Relive the glory of the Mughal Empire with India’s Tomb of Itmad-ud-Daula.

Of course, while we all know the story of the Taj Mahal, this is also in Agra as well. Yet, this was commissioned by Emperor Shah Jahan's stepmother and aunt to his wife named Nur Jahan who commissioned this tomb for her father. Let's say it's rather complicated if you know what I mean.

Of course, while we all know the story of the Taj Mahal, this is also in Agra as well. Yet, this was commissioned by Emperor Shah Jahan’s stepmother and aunt to his wife named Nur Jahan who commissioned this tomb for her father. Let’s say it’s rather complicated if you know what I mean.

59. Of course, you can’t get more patriotic about the United States with a snow sculpture of the Statue of Liberty and Mount Rushmore.

Of course, I did a post on sand sculptures including both these monuments. So including them with the snow sculptures is basically a no brainer.

Of course, I did a post on sand sculptures including both these monuments. So including them with the snow sculptures is basically a no brainer.

60. Of course, this snow spiral is just out of this world, if you think about it.

I may not understand snow art or how this one manages to stand and retain shape. Yet, I think it's pretty spectacular and awesome.

I may not understand snow art or how this one manages to stand and retain shape. Yet, I think it’s pretty spectacular and awesome.

For more: https://www.pinterest.com/yorkiem/snow-sculptures/

Frosty the Snowman and All His Friends

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Sure winter isn’t really upon us yet and I haven’t see much snow since Thanksgiving. Not only that, but while people in the Southern Hemisphere celebrate Christmas in the summer as well as live in places that don’t snow at all in December. Nevertheless, snowmen are among those presented among the Christmas motifs because well, Santa lives in the North Pole and Christmas is a winter holiday in at least places like Europe, North America, Antarctica, the Arctic, and mountain regions. Now it’s not uncommon during the winter for kids to build a snowman though the snow has to be under certain conditions (such as being there for awhile to stick), especially in places where snowfall is a rarer event. A typical snowman consists of 3 snowballs of different sizes with some additional stuff for facial and body features and accessories like branches for arms, a smiley face, a carrot nose, stones and coal for eyes and buttons as well as things like a hat or a scarf. Most of the time they’re abandoned once completed and after a photo op as well as eventually melt. Of course, in this post, you’ll see a lot of different snowmen. Some may be cute, some may be pop culture inspired, and some may be rather demented. So without further adieu, here are some pictures of the wonderful world of snowmen.

1. Aww, a snowman holding his kid on his shoulders.

Of course, I love how they used a pair of kids' pants, shoes, and mittens for this. Yet, I'm sure that kid is going to be a real pain in the ass when he's older.

Of course, I love how they used a pair of kids’ pants, shoes, and mittens for this. Yet, I’m sure that kid is going to be a real pain in the ass when he’s older.

2. Looks like this snowman wants to end it all.

You know if Crusty is so unhappy with his life, why bother hanging himself on a park bench? I mean, he'll melt away once spring comes so ending his life is just pointless, really.

You know if Crusty is so unhappy with his life, why bother hanging himself on a park bench? I mean, he’ll melt away once spring comes so ending his life is just pointless, really.

3. This snowman is quite the acrobat.

My question on this piece is this: How in the hell did a person manage to make a snowman climbing a tree? It's insane!

My question on this piece is this: How in the hell did a person manage to make a snowman climbing a tree? It’s insane!

4. Man, sure wouldn’t want to fall how he did.

Of course, if this was a person, he'd be dead. Seriously, the fall would've killed him or he'd be injured so badly for the ICU.

Of course, if this was a person, he’d be dead. Seriously, the fall would’ve killed him or he’d be injured so badly for the ICU.

5. Seems like this snowman has a drinking problem and is now sleeping on the streets.

Wait a minute, aren't snowmen supposed to be outdoors anyway? Then again, this guy's sleeping on a park bench so he probably doesn't have a yard to stand in.

Wait a minute, aren’t snowmen supposed to be outdoors anyway? Then again, this guy’s sleeping on a park bench so he probably doesn’t have a yard to stand in.

6. For your afternoon fix, DJ Snow will air songs like, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “Ice, Ice, Baby,” “Let It Snow,” “A Hazy Shade of Winter,” “Walking in the Winter Wonderland,” “Cold As Ice,” “Snowballed,” “Snowblind,” “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” and “A Whiter Shade of Pale.”

Of course, that microphone and ear phones won't be usable again once winter is over. Still, hope they were in bad shape to begin with.

Of course, that microphone and ear phones won’t be usable again once winter is over. Still, hope they were in bad shape to begin with.

7. May I introduce you to the NRA Snowman whose guns you can have if you can pry them from his warm dead hands. And, yes, he’s standing his ground.

Musty the Snowman wasn't really a jollly, happy soul since he's always been fearful of someone encroaching his property and home invasions. Please don't put that magical old silk hat on him or he'd begin to shoot around. Hope he wasn't built near a school.

Musty the Snowman wasn’t really a jollly, happy soul since he’s always been fearful of someone encroaching his property and home invasions. Please don’t put that magical old silk hat on him or he’d begin to shoot around. Hope he wasn’t built near a school.

8. Now this snowman sure is punk.

"You talking to me? Are you talking to me?" Man, this snowman doesn't seem to happy. Yet, you have to admire how they made his mohawk from tree branches.

“You talking to me? Are you talking to me?” Man, this snowman doesn’t seem to happy. Yet, you have to admire how they made his mohawk from tree branches.

9. “Hello, my name’s Olaf and I like warm hugs.”

Of course, you have to have Olaf from Frozen on this post. However, that section where he's singing about summer is kind of disturbing if you really think of it. I mean he certainly wouldn't survive that.

Of course, you have to have Olaf from Frozen on this post. However, that section where he’s singing about summer is kind of disturbing if you really think of it. I mean he certainly wouldn’t survive that.

10. Now building a snowman is one thing, building a snowman army, well that takes dedication.

Of course, if your neighbor built a snowman army, you wonder how he or she ever had the time. Either that, or questioning their sanity.

Of course, if your neighbor built a snowman army, you wonder how he or she ever had the time. Either that, or questioning their sanity.

11. “Oh, no, it’s the Iceman Cometh. Phyllis, get the hair dryer!”

Note: while The Iceman Cometh is a play by Eugene O'Neill, it's not about a psychokiller snowman, unfortunately.

Note: while The Iceman Cometh is a play by Eugene O’Neill, it’s not about a psychokiller snowman, unfortunately. That’s a joke.

12. Seems like this snowman really likes to do tricks with his head.

Now I know a headless snowman may freak you out but Rocko is a very nice guy once you get to know him. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Now I know a headless snowman may freak you out but Rocko is a very nice guy once you get to know him. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.

13. This snowman has a habit of leaning next to buildings.

Of course, I hope he doesn't do any damage to the house once he starts melting. That or if a blizzard comes. Seems like he might fall over. Boy, those kids must've had some ambition to build a snowman this tall.

Of course, I hope he doesn’t do any damage to the house once he starts melting. That or if a blizzard comes. Seems like he might fall over. Boy, those kids must’ve had some ambition to build a snowman this tall.

14. Seems like this snowman has enough snow to hit you and then some.

Of course, you don't want to tell him that he looks like Princess Leia. Because that would be bad. Seriously, you wouldn't want to do that.

Of course, you don’t want to tell him that he looks like Princess Leia. Because that would be bad. Seriously, you wouldn’t want to do that.

15. Just a friendly snowman riding his bike.

Yet, I have no idea how this guy is wearing a summer camo hat and sunglasses on a cold cloudy day. Then again, he's a snowman.

Yet, I have no idea how this guy is wearing a summer camo hat and sunglasses on a cold cloudy day. Then again, he’s a snowman.

16. Seems this snowman has hit rock bottom or has had a few too many.

Remember that friends don't let friends get their snowmen drunk. Also, giving Dusky a pack of Miller Lite pints wasn't a good idea.

Remember that friends don’t let friends get their snowmen drunk. Also, giving Dusky a pack of Miller Lite pints wasn’t a good idea.

17. Seems like Snowball here is going on his cycling tour.

Then again, I'm not so sure if Snowball is a snow "man" or whether he or she is going anywhere if you know what I mean. Still, that bike is bound to get rusty.

Then again, I’m not so sure if Snowball is a snow “man” or whether he or she is going anywhere if you know what I mean. Still, that bike is bound to get rusty.

18. Of course, you can’t do a post on snowmen without including one on Eric Cartman from South Park.

Now this snowman sure captures Cartman in perhaps a way that will make Matt Stone and Trey Parker proud. Still, we have to concede that Cartman is the most annoying character on the show. Oh, why can't he be killed in every episode instead of Kenny?

Now this snowman sure captures Cartman in perhaps a way that will make Matt Stone and Trey Parker proud. Still, we have to concede that Cartman is the most annoying character on the show. Oh, why can’t he be killed in every episode instead of Kenny?

19. Snow zombies are rising from their graves for your brains.

Yet, unlike real zombies, at least you can defeat snow zombies with a hair dryer. Seriously, they're very easy to kill, especially in warmer weather.

Yet, unlike real zombies, at least you can defeat snow zombies with a hair dryer. Seriously, they’re very easy to kill, especially in warmer weather.

20. Looks like that things aren’t all fun and games in Snowmanland.

Man, I didn't know snowmen bleed when stabbed. I thought they'd just melt away.

Man, I didn’t know snowmen bleed when stabbed. I thought they’d just melt away. Still, this display would make the neighbors cringe.

21. Nothing makes a snowman like one in the likeness of a Lego person.

Man, these kids seem to have too much time on their hands. Then again, this might've been made by a real artist. Still, possibly the biggest Lego person I've ever seen.

Man, these kids seem to have too much time on their hands. Then again, this might’ve been made by a real artist. Still, possibly the biggest Lego person I’ve ever seen.

22. Jabba the Hutt snowman would like to hire you to bring Han Solo to him dead or alive.

Of course, I always have to have at least one thing on this post relating to Star Wars. Still, I have yet to see a snowman of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

Of course, I always have to have at least one thing on this post relating to Star Wars. Still, I have yet to see a snowman of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

23. Now this snowman would really wish you give him some privacy.

Still, I'm surprised that he's built on some street, possibly for a contest. Nevertheless, you might want to clear out when he's done because he might use the newspaper on where the sun don't shine.

Still, I’m surprised that he’s built on some street, possibly for a contest. Nevertheless, you might want to clear out when he’s done because he might use the newspaper on where the sun don’t shine.

24. This snowman is just going on his relaxing ice fishing trip.

Of course, Andy likes to go ice fishing since he really doesn't have many fishing options other than that. Still, I'm sure he's not going to get much fish from a small puddle.

Of course, Andy likes to go ice fishing since he really doesn’t have many fishing options other than that. Still, I’m sure he’s not going to get much fish from a small puddle.

25. Oh, my God, it’s the snowman zombie apocalypse! Run for your lives!

Now I'm sure that it will all be over by spring since these zombie snowmen will have already melted. Still, you might want to get your hair dryer.

Now I’m sure that it will all be over by spring since these zombie snowmen will have already melted. Still, you might want to get your hair dryer.

26. A can of beer in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other.

Seems like this snowman has a bit of drinking problem. Perhaps he should consider going on a 12 step or AA. Then again, he may not have the time.

Seems like this snowman has a bit of drinking problem. Perhaps he should consider going on a 12 step or AA. Then again, he may not have the time.

27. And you thought a snowman couldn’t do a handstand.

Man, I wonder how this upside down snowman manages to stand up so well. Then again, it has a bigger than average snowman head, which helps so to speak.

Man, I wonder how this upside down snowman manages to stand up so well. Then again, it has a bigger than average snowman head, which helps so to speak.

28. “Hello, hello, hello, what do we have here?”

Of course, you know these snowmen are from Britain because of the Bobby police hats. Still, you don't want to go near their nightsticks.

Of course, you know these snowmen are from Britain because of the Bobby police hats. Still, you don’t want to go near their nightsticks.

29. Oh, my God! Looks like a snowman just got buried in the snow!

Don't let this become like the episode of Boardwalk Empire where Gyp Rossetti had a guy buried in the sand up to his head and whacked him with a shovel. Yet, I have a bad feeling it would come to this.

Don’t let this become like the episode of Boardwalk Empire where Gyp Rossetti had a guy buried in the sand up to his head and whacked him with a shovel. Yet, I have a bad feeling it would come to this.

30. “Get out of the snow! There’s a snowshark coming!”

Of course, we all know that sharks don't swim in the snow nor does anyone else. Still pretty funny and very creative.

Of course, we all know that sharks don’t swim in the snow nor does anyone else. Still pretty funny and very creative.

31. How would you like to get your mail in this snowman mailbox?

Now I wonder how they manage to make a mail box snowman. I mean don't mailboxes have stands for most of the year. Still, I wonder what mail carriers think about this.

Now I wonder how they manage to make a mail box snowman. I mean don’t mailboxes have stands for most of the year. Still, I wonder what mail carriers think about this.

32. While it’s certainly winter, these snowpeople are lounging around like it’s summer.

Then again, they are snowpeople so it's not like they're freezing their asses off. Still, I hope the woman is wearing a swimsuit.

Then again, they are snowpeople so it’s not like they’re freezing their asses off. Still, I hope the woman is wearing a swimsuit.

33. Of course, this snowman is in a moment of deep thought and contemplation.

This might not be a snowman of Tim Tebow or it may not. Either way, that pose reminds me of how he used to get in that pose to pray. Nevertheless, that guy was just an annoying self-righteous turd.

This might not be a snowman of Tim Tebow or it may not. Either way, that pose reminds me of how he used to get in that pose to pray. Nevertheless, that guy was just an annoying self-righteous turd.

34. Nothing makes a great moment as two snowmen sharing a beer on the street.

Seems like these snowman don't give a shit about anything right now. Still, you have to appreciate how they enjoy each other's quality time.

Seems like these snowman don’t give a shit about anything right now. Still, you have to appreciate how they enjoy each other’s quality time.

35. Now this snowman is just lounging around with a beer while holding a Frisbee.

Well, this guy seems to be really enjoying himself. Still, why do I see a lot of snowmen with beer bottles? I wonder.

Well, this guy seems to be really enjoying himself. Still, why do I see a lot of snowmen with beer bottles? I wonder.

36. I give you, the Invasion of the Snowmen.

Man, I wonder if these people realize that the snowman infestation is becoming quite a problem in this town. Then again, there's always spring.

Man, I wonder if these people realize that the snowman infestation is becoming quite a problem in this town. Then again, there’s always spring.

37. Seems like Frosty is doing a kegstand. And I thought he was a family friendly figure.

I hope this snowman is in a neighborhood where there aren't a lot of children. I mean few parents would tolerate a kegstand snowman.

I hope this snowman is in a neighborhood where there aren’t a lot of children. I mean few parents would tolerate a kegstand snowman.

38. Seems like some snowmen are really into voodoo magic.

I don't know about you but I have to admit I do find the stirring of shrunken snowman heads quite funny for some reason. Still, hope no snowman sacrifice was involved.

I don’t know about you but I have to admit I do find the stirring of shrunken snowman heads quite funny for some reason. Still, hope no snowman sacrifice was involved.

39. Just my luck, a snowman crime scene.

Seemed like someone didn't care much for Frosty the snowman so they whacked him over the head with the shovel and decapitated him.

Seemed like someone didn’t care much for Frosty the snowman so they whacked him over the head with the shovel and decapitated him.

40. These snowmen are on the deck engaged in a poker game for money.

Let's hope that none of these guys develop a gambling addiction which is very destructive. Still, seems they enjoy beer and potato chips.

Let’s hope that none of these guys develop a gambling addiction which is very destructive. Still, seems they enjoy beer and potato chips.

41. This snowman really delights in surfing the net.

Let's hope the keyboard and monitor are the only computer components used in this. Still, pretty clever.

Let’s hope the keyboard and monitor are the only computer components used in this. Still, pretty clever.

42. Oh, my God, they put a snow kid in a cage!

Now this is either hilarious, demented, or both. Still, I have to feel bad for the little snow kid in the cage and its parent in a state of distress.

Now this is either hilarious, demented, or both. Still, I have to feel bad for the little snow kid in the cage and its parent in a state of distress.

43. This R2 D2 snowman will service your every needs.

While R2 D2 only speaks in beeps in the Star Wars Saga, you can always understand this onery little droid that has quite the personality.

While R2 D2 only speaks in beeps in the Star Wars Saga, you can always understand this ornery little droid that has quite the fiery personality.

44. “Stop right there, your money or your life.”

Never underestimate the power of a mugger snowman armed with a hair dryer. For snowmen, these grooming appliances are deadly.

Never underestimate the power of a mugger snowman armed with a hair dryer. For snowmen, these grooming appliances are absolutely deadly.

45. Seems like this snowman is ready for a hike or scaling a building.

If he wants to scale a building, he better be careful. Else, he might end up like the snowman I showed earlier. You know, the one with the backpack.

If he wants to scale a building, he better be careful. Else, he might end up like the snowman I showed earlier. You know, the one with the backpack.

46. This snowman really has an elaborate hairstyle if you know what I mean.

Of course, if I were him, I'd consider going to a hair salon to get haircut. Oh, wait, I'd have him go to the pruner's if he has an office.

Of course, if I were him, I’d consider going to a hair salon to get haircut. Oh, wait, I’d have him go to the pruner’s if he has an office.

47. Seems like Olympia Snowe really delights in the attention.

By "Olympia Snowe" I mean this snowman which is said to be the largest in the world. However, I can't help but think that there's something "phallic" about it though.

By “Olympia Snowe” I mean this snowman which is said to be the largest in the world. However, I can’t help but think that there’s something “phallic” about it though.

48. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you snow man and snow wife.”

Now I suppose this snow couple would be best suited for a winter wedding. Yet, I bet that bridal veil isn't cheap if you know what I mean.

Now I suppose this snow couple would be best suited for a winter wedding. Yet, I bet that bridal veil isn’t cheap if you know what I mean. Still, they’ll be together till melt do they part.

49. Seems like these snow children are having fun frolicking in a winter wonderland.

Someone must've had too much time on their hands for this one. Still, it's pretty clever if you know what I mean.

Someone must’ve had too much time on their hands for this one. Still, it’s pretty clever if you know what I mean.

50. Oh, my God, it’s the Staypuft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

Now this is just so great. Yet, I think this one looks too much like the Michelin Tire Man and his head is a little too small.

Now this is just so great. Yet, I think this one looks too much like the Michelin Tire Man and his head is a little too small.

51. When snowmen bowl, heads will roll, literally.

Still, I wonder how these snowmen take aim of when trying to knock down some pins. I mean you have to know where to hit the pins before you roll your head.

Still, I wonder how these snowmen take aim of when trying to knock down some pins. I mean you have to know where to hit the pins before you roll your head.

52. This snowman is pumping himself up, one set of barbells at a time.

Of course, he wants to start small for a time and then move up a few weights. Still, hope he doesn't become a lunk.

Of course, he wants to start small for a time and then move up a few weights. Still, hope he doesn’t become a lunk.

53. Seems like Spongebob Squarepants likes the winter weather.

Now I'm not sure that it looks anywhere near like Spongebob if you know what I mean. Then again, I didn't have cable as a child and didn't watch the show.

Now I’m not sure that it looks anywhere near like Spongebob if you know what I mean. Then again, I didn’t have cable as a child and didn’t watch the show.

54. This snowman is just making a rather important call.

What astounds me most about this display is how the person building this snowman managed to find a phone booth.

What astounds me most about this display is how the person building this snowman managed to find a phone booth.

55. Now this snowman display seems like a take off of Gulliver’s Travels.

I suppose this snowman feels trapped under the ropes of the smaller ones who tied him up. Still, pretty clever.

I suppose this snowman feels trapped under the ropes of the smaller ones who tied him up. Still, pretty clever.

56. Now this snowman really has a penchant for playing the accordion.

Of course, the accordion is almost lifelike and the snowman is sure happy. Still, I don't why it doesn't have a pair of eyes or a nose.

Of course, the accordion is almost lifelike and the snowman is sure happy. Still, I don’t why it doesn’t have a pair of eyes or a nose.

57. Looks like a snowman has been a victim of a hit and run.

Now to the shock of the snowman, it seems that this car's owner is really not going to be happy when they find a snowman on their car.

Now to the shock of the snowman, it seems that this car’s owner is really not going to be happy when they find a snowman on their car.

58. This snowman seems to be quite the wall scaler.

This is said to be a snowman rendition of Spiderman. Yet, I don't know if I can be sure of that. Still, how did they make a snowman like that?

This is said to be a snowman rendition of Spiderman. Yet, I don’t know if I can be sure of that. Still, how did they make a snowman like that?

59. “Aaaah! A snowman just fell on my car!”

How would you like to get up in the morning and find something like that on your windshield? I'm sure I wouldn't.

How would you like to get up in the morning and find something like that on your windshield? I’m sure I wouldn’t.

60. I’m sure this is called, “Orcus on His Porcelain Throne.”

Now I'm sure this guy is thinking deep thoughts as he's on the pot. Of course, I wonder what he's going to do when he's done.

Now I’m sure this guy is thinking deep thoughts as he’s on the pot. Of course, I wonder what he’s going to do when he’s done.

Jolly Old Sketchy Saint Nicholas

santa-claus3

It’s always been a Christmas tradition for kids to see their local Santa Claus impersonator to request on what they want for Christmas. It’s also been a tradition that children have their picture taken with Santa as well. Still, while Santa Claus is supposed to be an old jolly bearded fat man in a red suit who’s supposed to inspire holiday cheer and adoration from children, sometimes the portrayal doesn’t go too well. Of course, there are times when people have to make do with what they got when it comes to having a Santa Claus, yet when it goes wrong, the side effects could range from unfortunate photo ops, frightened children, and the jolly Christmas icon seeming more suited for a horror movie than the festive holiday season. Nevertheless, there have been moments in which Santa doesn’t seem so nice and it’s the sketchy Santas I’ll show you in this post. So without further adieu, I present a treasury of Santas whose laps nobody would want to sit on. Some of these may not be safe for work.

1. Looks like Santa Claus has been drained of the spirit of Christmas.

"Yes, I get that you'd want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I've seen today. And for God's sake can't you just take the picture to get it over with? I'm holding a screaming kid in my arms."

“Yes, I get that you’d want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I’ve seen today. And for God’s sake can’t you just take the picture to get it over with? I’m holding a screaming kid in my arms.”

2. Someone doesn’t feel jolly this holiday season and I don’t think it’s the kid.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho" before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho” before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

3. Seems like Punisher Santa doesn’t really understand children.

"So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain't my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!"

“So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain’t my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!”

4. While the baby doesn’t seem to be too upset, I’d be scared to death if this Santa was posing with my baby.

Yes, I'm sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus' next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

Yes, I’m sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus’ next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

5. “Why, Johnny, that’s an interesting balloon you have, I wonder if that’s a present for your parents. And I’m sure I wouldn’t put it between your legs if I were you.”

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there's something rather inappropriate about it. And I don't think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there’s something rather inappropriate about it. And I don’t think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

6. Nothing turns off anyone more than the presence of a Santa Claus in his underwear.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

7. Take it easy on him, kids, since Santa’s been implicated in some barroom brawl the night before and hasn’t been feeling himself lately.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

8. Now I know he’s supposed to be Santa Claus but his face kind of reminds me of Old Man Winter.

"Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I'm done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season. Ho, ho, ho."

“Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I’m done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season.

9. Santa shares a photo op with a couple of kids and Beppo the clown.

Seems like Santa doesn't enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I'm sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

Seems like Santa doesn’t enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I’m sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

10. I can’t tell whether Santa is a bit peeved by getting squashed by two ladies on his lap or thrilled to death for the same thing.

"Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year."

“Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year.”

11. Looks like the boss had Vinnie play Santa for the annual Christmas party on behalf of the Family’s kids.

"Man, when Don Vito said he'll make me an offer I can't refuse, I didn't mean it would amount to posing with his kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this."

“Man, when Don Vito said he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse, I didn’t mean it would amount to posing with his bratty kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this. Then again, maybe I should’ve refused the offer.”

12. Since Santa couldn’t make it today, I’m sure the evil Saruman from Isengard will make a good substitute. I mean he has a white beard doesn’t he?

"I think I'll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I'm sure the other one won't miss her sister that much."

“I think I’ll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I’m sure the other one won’t miss her sister that much.”

13. “Well, how would you feel if you had to spend once a year breaking into people’s houses through their chimneys just to leave something nice for their kids?”

Of course, I'm sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people's roofs.

Of course, I’m sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people’s roofs.

14. Here’s Santa Claus sitting with what appears to be Rhoda Penmark. You know the girl who killed that boy over not getting the Penmanship Award on a field trip.

"Of course, I see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. Also, I know you've been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo."

“Of course, I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. Also, I know you’ve been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo.”

15. “I have you now, my pretty, and I could’ve gotten your little dog, too. But the mall doesn’t allow pets.”

"So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don't pay for themselves."

“So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and a T-bone steak near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don’t pay for themselves.”

16. “Did this girl just pee on my knee?”

"Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids."

“Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids.”

17. “I’ll just stick my hand right there for safety-sake, Bobby… Ol’ Santa wouldn’t want ya slippin’ of his lap, now would he?”

Hey, Santa, you aren't supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won't see that Santa again because I'm sure those parents complained.

Hey, Santa, you aren’t supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won’t see that Santa again because I’m sure those parents complained. Yet, this poor boy is scarred for life.

18. Zombie Santa Claus seems very hungry for little kids’ brains. Sadly, Ritchie would never be seen again after this picture was taken.

"Mommy, don't let him take me! He's dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!" But Ritchie's mom just wouldn't listen.

“Mommy, don’t let him take me! He’s dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!” But Ritchie’s mom just wouldn’t listen.

19. Yes, Santa Claus gives toys for the good girls and boys but he will come back for their souls later.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

20. Seems like it’s Christmas in Disneyland.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa's about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa’s about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

21. Now here’s Saint Nicholas with three of his helpers. Hey, wait a minute, those aren’t elves!

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn't recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn’t recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

22. While you want your kid’s first visit with Santa to be memorable, make sure it doesn’t traumatize them for life.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

23. “Come sit on Santa’s lap. I have candy canes.”

"Mommy, please don't let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It's not funny, Mommy."

“Mommy, please don’t let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It’s not funny, Mommy. I’m serious, Mommy.”

24. Looks like eye shadowed Santa has a gift for all the kids who sit on his lap.

"And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary?"

“And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary? Also, can you please give Daddy a pair of wifebeaters?”

25. While he’s on break, Santa Claus likes to strum his guitar and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, who would've thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he'll probably be totally wasted once he's back to work.

Of course, who would’ve thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he’ll probably be totally wasted once he’s back to work.

26. Of course, this is what you get when you hire the homeless guy outside a Kmart to play Santa Claus.

And from how that baby's acting up, I'm sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn't have to grow a beard.

And from how that baby’s acting up, I’m sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn’t have to grow a beard.

27. “Oh, Ms Tammy! Those the set I brought ya last year? How ’bout Ol’ Santa brings you a nice shiny pole to go along with’em!?!?!?”

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he's not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he’s not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

28. Creepy Ghost Santa said, “So, Sally, what would you like for Christmas this year? Oh, wait a minute, you probably already answered that question in your nightmares.” Of course, this was right before he chopped her with an axe.

From Neatorama: "This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying."

From Neatorama: “This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying.”

29. Only in an adult club could a guy sit on Santa’s lap wearing a speedo and holding a tenor saxophone.

Santa Claus: "Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to doing it next year."

Santa Claus: “Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to putting the red suit on next year.”

30. “Looks like the Valium is about to kick in at any moment…..right about now.”

"Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz."

“Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz.”

31. “Ewww, Santa’s breath smells like our drunk Uncle Harry during a bender.”

"Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast."

“Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast. It’s how he manages to deal with cranky elves and out of control reindeer in their games. Now he needs another drink.”

32. Come to see Santa Claus, he’ll let you ride on his donkey.

From Neatorama: "Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus." Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

From Neatorama: “Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus.” Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

33. “Hold yer britches, Brittany, Daddy ain’t finished telling Santa Claus what he wants for Christmas.”

Santa: "I'm sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I'll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies."

Santa: “I’m sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I’ll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies.”

34. Remember, parents, don’t take your child to visit Santa Claus during the dead of night. Especially when he says, “This child is the right size for roasting.”

Santa: "So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?" Little Girl: "Mommy, please, don't make me sit on that man's lap. He looks like he wants to eat me."

Santa: “So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Girl: “Mommy, please, don’t make me sit on that man’s lap! He looks like he wants to eat me!” (Runs off unable to stop screaming.)

35. Terrorists, say hello to Santa’s little friend, the assault rifle.

Granted, he's most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who's recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

Granted, he’s most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who’s recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

36. Sometimes adults like to take their picture with Santa Claus as well, especially couples.

I bet Santa is like, "Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!" Pervert.

I bet Santa is like, “Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!” Pervert.

37. While Santa Claus isn’t having kids sit on his lap, you can see him outside directing traffic.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he's doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he’s doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

38. Why, yes, Virginia, you can have your cat pose in a picture with Santa Claus.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

39. Before he started his career on 60 Minutes, the late Andy Rooney used to do stints playing Santa Claus at the mall. He wasn’t received well.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you'd rather not.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you’d rather not.

40. Would you let this man deliver presents for your kids around Christmas Eve?

I'm sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn't commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay.

I’m sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn’t commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay for someone this Christmas.

41. Hey, I didn’t know John Goodman’s character from The Big Lebowski was a mall Santa.

I haven't seen The Big Lebowski, but I'm sure things aren't going to be good if this baby's father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

I haven’t seen The Big Lebowski, but I’m sure things aren’t going to be good if this baby’s father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

42. “Now you be a good girl and go tell your momma Santa’s got a big, special present just for her…”

I don't like the look on that Santa's face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn't want to sit on Santa's lap anymore.

I don’t like the look on that Santa’s face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap anymore.

43. “Oh, yes, I’m making a list and checking it twice.”

However, judging by this Santa's face and the kids' faces, I can't really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

However, judging by this Santa’s face and the kids’ faces, I can’t really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

44. Santa Claus really likes children sitting on his lap.

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you'll never escape from the man they call, "The Claus."

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you’ll never escape from the man they call, “The Claus.”

45. A tired Santa Claus prepares his way to go down the chimney.

From Neatorama: "If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney."

From Neatorama: “If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney.”

46. “All right, photo 1,546 coming right up. Damn, you’d think I’d have migraines after a spending a day with people flashing cameras in my face.”

"Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?"

“Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?”

47. Just Old Kris Kringle curled up with a bottle of booze on his lunch break.

He's probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

He’s probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

48. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don't like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn't look evil in this?

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don’t like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn’t look evil in this?

49. Heeeere’s Santa!

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

50. Santa Claus: Jolly old gift giver who brings tidings of comfort, joy, and good cheer or Snidely Whiplash in disguise.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn't really aged all too well has he? And he's put on a lot of weight, too.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn’t really aged all too well has he? And he’s put on a lot of weight, too.

51. “Certainly, Mr. Gregson, I’ll take very good care of that redheaded stepson of yours….for a while.”

From Neatorama: "Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus."

From Neatorama: “Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus.”

52. These eyes have certainly seen a darker side of Christmas.

I'm sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of "registered offenders" list in some states.

I’m sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of “registered offenders” list in some states.

53. “I saw Mommy spanking Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” And looks like Santa didn’t seem to mind.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

54. Don’t look now but I think there’s a scary red suited beardy man behind you.

"All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that's no presents for you Chloe."

“All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that’s no presents for you Chloe.”

55. “For the love of God, how much time do I have left for this?”

"Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong."

“Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong.”

56. Just because  a little girl may have a shirt that says she loves Santa, doesn’t mean she actually does.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

57. Sorry, kids, looks like Santa has been drinking too much eggnog lately.

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he's heard of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he’s heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or the 12 step program?

58. “I always love it when they squeal.”

"Yes, cry my little one! I'm always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho!"

“Yes, cry my little one! I’m always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho! Their tears always give me great nourishment.”

59. Santa: “So, little lady have you been a good little girl this year?”

Little Girl: "Mommy, get me off this scary man's lap! I'll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don't force me to sit on his lap, please!"

Little Girl: “Mommy, get me off this scary man’s lap! I’ll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don’t force me to sit on his lap, please!”

60. Sorry, kid, but there’s no escaping Santa now!

"The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don't have to go through a background check."

“The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don’t have to go through a background check.”

61. “I was only kidding about Rudolph being hit by a 747.”

"Hey, can't a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? What the hell is wrong with this boy?"

“Hey, can’t a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? Jesus, what the hell is wrong with this boy?”

62. It’s said while Santa gives bad kids coal for Christmas, he puts bad elves in the fire for kindling.

Let's just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she's a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa's eyes.

Let’s just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she’s a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa’s eyes beneath his fluffy white beard.

63. “Here, you take him, I think he just spoiled my robe here.”

I don't know about you but if this photo didn't take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

I don’t know about you but if this photo didn’t take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

64. Yes, Virginia, Santa loves cats.

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

65. “Do you think the child is frightened by the wig? Or is it just me?”

Let's just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you'd see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you'd see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which doesn't go good on him. Still, I can see why this baby isn't a happy camper.

Let’s just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you’d see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you’d see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which you’d likely see on a cult leader.
Still, I can see why this baby isn’t a happy camper.

66. While parents love to take their kids to see Santa, they always try to avoid seeing a flashing one.

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there's certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there’s certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

67. Sorry, kids, but Santa has to get a lap dance from Mrs. Claus.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain't right.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain’t right.

68. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

69. Come into Santa’s car. He’ll take your requests and give you free candy.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn't risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn’t risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

70. Sometimes it’s every child’s wish to see Santa during the Christmas season.

Sometimes, it's Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children's nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

Sometimes, it’s Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children’s nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

For more: Bad Santas- http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-very-best-of-bad-santa/2013/12/18/

Up on the Housetop, on Christmas Inflatable Decorations

What the hell is the jack-o'-lantern doing here? Halloween's over.

What the hell is the jack-o’-lantern doing here? Halloween’s over.

Now the tradition of having Christmas inflatables on lawns is a relatively recent phenomenon but they are nevertheless popular enough for onlookers to spot them. Of course, some people tend to go all out on them as well. So like them or hate them, they are here to stay. Nevertheless, I don’t participate in this tradition but many do so here’s a post on them. And believe me, there are many you can choose from according to the online listings. Yet, while I can go on and on about all the wonderful inflatable decorations out there, you might find it boring so I’ll put up the ones that don’t seem that glamorous but deserve extra attention for sheer tackiness. Not to mention, there are some inflatables that for some reason seem to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. So without further adieu, enjoy these blow up lighting lawn ornaments that might have some disturbing implications.

1. In honor of A Christmas Story, here’s a 6 foot inflatable leg lamp to show your neighbors.

As most of us have seen A Christmas Story, we all know that Ralphie's dad received a leg lamp after winning a sweepstakes contest. Still, despite A Christmas Story being a family film, this leg lamp is certainly an R-rated decoration.

As most of us have seen A Christmas Story, we all know that Ralphie’s dad received a leg lamp after winning a sweepstakes contest. Still, despite A Christmas Story being a family film, this leg lamp is certainly an R-rated decoration.

2. Santa Claus likes to ride on his motorcycle with his reindeer in the sidecar.

Wait a minute, isn't Santa supposed to be using his reindeer as transportation for his sleigh? I thought that reindeer were means of getting there, not passengers.

Wait a minute, isn’t Santa supposed to be using his reindeer as transportation for his sleigh? I thought that reindeer were means of getting there, not passengers.

3. Tyrannosaurus Rex receives a bone for Christmas as he always wanted.

I understand that dinosaurs are cool kid appeal animals, but still, they haven't roamed the Earth in 65 million years. To have a dinosaur in Christmas regalia is about as anachronistic as The Flintstones Holiday Special.

I understand that dinosaurs are cool kid appeal animals, but still, they haven’t roamed the Earth in 65 million years. To have a dinosaur in Christmas regalia is about as anachronistic as The Flintstones Holiday Special.

4. This snowman seems all dressed up and ready to get himself a buck.

Well, this does make a good decoration since deer hunting season starts on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Still, this has unfortunate implications if you know that Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer and the message of

Well, this does make a good decoration since deer hunting season starts on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Still, this has unfortunate implications if you know that Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer and the message of “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.”

5. For those who love Christmas and Ernest Hemingway, then this is a great inflatable decoration for you.

When you take the Christmas stuff off of this decoration, you have yourselves an inflatable lawn decoration of Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea.

When you take the Christmas stuff off of this decoration, you have yourselves an inflatable lawn decoration of Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea.

6. Looks like Santa is climbing in the pool for a swim with a reindeer, penguins, and a polar bear.

Knowing that Santa lives in the North Pole, then he must be a member of the Polar Bear Club. Still, what the hell are these penguins doing here? They live in Antarctica, not the North Pole for God's sake.

Knowing that Santa lives in the North Pole, then he must be a member of the Polar Bear Club. Still, what the hell are these penguins doing here? They live in Antarctica, not the North Pole for God’s sake.

7. Merry Christmas from Santa’s trailer.

Looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus might need to go to marriage counseling or aren't on great terms right now.

Looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus might need to go to marriage counseling or aren’t on great terms right now.

8. While most of Santa’s reindeer are guys who pull the sleigh, their mates stage their own roller derby night.

Still, at least this decoration gets it right that female reindeer do have antlers during this time of year. And in many species, they are the only ones with antlers in December since the males have shed them since mating season. Still, I'd rather not recommend roller derby to anyone since it's a very violent sport.

Still, at least this decoration gets it right that female reindeer do have antlers during this time of year. And in many species, they are the only ones with antlers in December since the males have shed them since mating season. Still, I’d rather not recommend roller derby to anyone since it’s a very violent sport.

9. Santa and his friends travel the world in their hippie van encouraging kids to be nice, not naughty.

So if Santa Claus is an aging bohemian, does this mean that smoking pot, taking drugs, and engaging in free love won't get you put on the naughty list? Also, does this mean that soldiers get coal this year?

So if Santa Claus is an aging bohemian, does this mean that smoking pot, taking drugs, and engaging in free love won’t get you put on the naughty list? Also, does this mean that soldiers get coal this year?

10. Man, it’s so cold outside that even a snowman is shivering in his igloo.

Wait a minute, snowmen are made of snow and shouldn't be shivering in the cold. If they get warm, they melt. Simple is that. So why is this snowman getting the chills?

Wait a minute, snowmen are made of snow and shouldn’t be shivering in the cold. If they get warm, they melt. Simple is that. So why is this snowman getting the chills?

11. For the kids, celebrate Christmas with an inflatable lawn Noah’s Ark.

As a practicing Catholic, I need to say that this inflatable decoration makes no theological sense whatsoever. I mean most Christians usually celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Christ. Well, Noah's Ark is recorded in Genesis so there's no reason why it shouldn't have any Christmas decorations on it.

As a practicing Catholic, I need to say that this inflatable decoration makes no theological sense whatsoever. I mean most Christians usually celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Christ. Well, Noah’s Ark is recorded in the Old Testament Book of Genesis so there’s no reason why it shouldn’t have any Christmas decorations on it. What’s next, Moses dressed as Santa or Adam and Eve wearing elf costumes? Because both such decorations would just be as ridiculous as this.

12. Looks like Frosty the Snowman and his penguin friend are enjoying a long vacation at the beach sipping coconut drinks.

Seriously, what the hell is that snowman doing here next to a palm tree? Snowmen basically melt and evaporate in warmer, tropical climates. So there's no reason why Frosty should be near a palm tree in the first place.

Seriously, what the hell is that snowman doing here next to a palm tree? Snowmen basically melt and evaporate in warmer, tropical climates. So there’s no reason why Frosty should be near a palm tree in the first place.

13. Here’s Santa Claus relaxing in his palm tree hammock after making his Christmas Eve rounds.

Now I don't know about you but doesn't it seem a bit odd that Santa is still in his red suit? I don't mean to be rude, but if Santa doesn't strip out of that big red winter suit anytime soon, he might as well be rushed to the hospital for heatstroke. That, or sweating like hell.

Now I don’t know about you but doesn’t it seem a bit odd that Santa is still in his red suit? I don’t mean to be rude, but if Santa doesn’t strip out of that big red winter suit anytime soon, he might as well be rushed to the hospital for heatstroke. That, or sweating like hell.

14. Seems like the gingerbread man and his girlfriend have enjoyed a great time in the witch’s oven from Hansel and Gretel?

Gingerbread people seem surprisingly nonchalant about being baked alive! Seriously, what kind of sick and twisted person think this would make a great Christmas decoration? It seems more likely to give kids nightmares.

Gingerbread people seem surprisingly nonchalant about being baked alive! Seriously, what kind of sick and twisted person think this would make a great Christmas decoration? It seems more likely to give kids nightmares.

15. Merry Christmas from this Cowboy Penguin.

Now cute as this decoration may be, we must understand that penguins usually live in the Southern Hemisphere with the northernmost ones residing in the Galapagos Islands. And I'm sure that cowboys have little-or-nothing to do with Christmas either. So a penguin cowboy Christmas decoration would more or less make better sense in Chile where it's summer.

Now cute as this decoration may be, we must understand that penguins usually live in the Southern Hemisphere with the northernmost ones residing in the Galapagos Islands. And I’m sure that cowboys have little-or-nothing to do with Christmas either. So a penguin cowboy Christmas decoration would more or less make better sense in Chile or Australia where it’s summer.

16. Looks like it’s Casino Night at the North Pole.

Sorry, kids, but none of you are getting presents this year because Santa's got a gambling problem and needs to pay his loanshark bookies.

Sorry, kids, but none of you are getting presents this year because Santa’s got a gambling problem and needs to pay his loanshark bookies.

17. Santa Claus enjoys his vacation with a penguin in a hula skirt?

From the Huffington Post,

From the Huffington Post, “Surprisingly, global warming is welcomed by Santa and his… hula penguins.” Need I say more. Also, at least Santa has his shirt on.

18. Santa’s ability to withstand chimney fires made him the perfect recruit for the fire department or something.

Then again, there are a lot of firefighters out there who do look like Santa Claus. I mean a lot of firefighters I've seen do tend to be obese and may have white beards.

Then again, there are a lot of firefighters out there who do look like Santa Claus. I mean a lot of firefighters I’ve seen do tend to be obese and may have white beards.

19. My, my, so Grandma did get run over by a reindeer after all. Except that Santa wasn’t responsible.

And when we mean

And when we mean “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” we mean she was run over by one operating a steam roller. Still, first vehicular manslaughter and now this? What’s Santa doing to these reindeer?

20. Seems like Santa Claus is a badass biker dude on his motorcycle.

Keep in mind that a motorcycle holds way fewer presents than a sleigh and the insurance is higher. Also, wasn't there a Six Feet Under episode in which a mall Santa got hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle? The biker funeral episode is perhaps one of the best of the series but those kids will be in therapy for life.

Keep in mind that a motorcycle holds way fewer presents than a sleigh and the insurance is higher. Also, wasn’t there a Six Feet Under episode in which a mall Santa got hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle? The biker funeral episode is perhaps one of the best of the series but those kids will be in therapy for life.

21. Man, it seems that these penguins are certainly getting along with the polar bear.

Still, we have to acknowledge that penguins don't live in the North Pole and even if they did, they'd certainly not get along with polar bears. In fact, the polar bear would certainly eat them.

Still, we have to acknowledge that penguins don’t live in the North Pole and even if they did, they’d certainly not get along with polar bears. In fact, the polar bear would certainly eat them.

22. Seems like Santa has ditched the sleigh and replaced it with a chopper.

Man, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the reindeer being out of work. Also, what's Rudolph to do with his red nose now that he's unemployed?

Man, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with the reindeer being out of work. Also, what’s Rudolph to do with his red nose now that he’s unemployed?

23. Think of it as Christmas meets Stagecoach.

So does this mean that Santa is taking these penguins back to the Southern Hemisphere where they belong? If not, then where?

So does this mean that Santa is taking these penguins back to the Southern Hemisphere where they belong? If not, then where?

24. Man, Santa should really watch where to put that big ass of his.

Still, I hope that elf gets better by next Christmas in the North Pole hospital's intensive care unit. He's going to need it as well as go to the North Pole physical rehabilitation center afterwards.

Still, I hope that elf gets better by next Christmas in the North Pole hospital’s intensive care unit. He’s going to need it as well as go to the North Pole physical rehabilitation center afterwards.

25. Ahoy, mateys, step right aboard on Santa’s pirate ship.

Wait a minute, Santa gives presents to children, not take away cargo and other items from merchant ships! Then again, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors. Still, why does this even exist?

Wait a minute, Santa gives presents to children, not take away cargo and other items from merchant ships! Then again, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors. Still, why does this even exist?

26. Merry Christmas from the 9 foot mutant penguin spreading holiday cheer.

Wait a minute, isn't the idea of a 9ft tall penguin something from a nightmare? Still, why does this thing exist?

Wait a minute, isn’t the idea of a 9ft tall penguin something from a nightmare? Still, why does this thing exist?

27. Looks like this reindeer is hunting from a tree with a ladder.

Since December is deer hunting season, it's hard to tell whether this one is hunting for his own kind, trying to protect himself, or both. Either way, there's something very wrong with this.

Since December is deer hunting season, it’s hard to tell whether this one is hunting for his own kind, trying to protect himself, or both. Either way, there’s something very wrong with this.

28. Okay, so maybe Santa Claus can’t withstand all chimney fires.

Santa should be lucky that Dasher was able to get a hold of the sleigh fire extinguisher and put out the flames in time. Sadly, Santa didn't have a spare pair of pants and had to spend the rest of the night giving presents to kids with his rear end exposed.

Santa should be lucky that Dasher was able to get a hold of the sleigh fire extinguisher and put out the flames in time. Sadly, Santa didn’t have a spare pair of pants and had to spend the rest of the night giving presents to kids with his rear end exposed.

29. Just two reindeer roasting marshmallows at the campfire while Santa sleeps in his tent.

Since how does Santa ever have time to go camping with his reindeer? Also, isn't he supposed to be making toys this time of year?

Since how does Santa ever have time to go camping with his reindeer? Also, isn’t he supposed to be making toys this time of year?

30. So to commemorate the holiday season, Spongebob Squarepants decided to through some disgusting mutilation to make himself look like a Christmas tree.

Now this is bound to give Spongebob's youngest fans nightmares. Yet, I hope he gets back into shape after the holidays.

Now this is bound to give Spongebob’s youngest fans nightmares. Yet, I hope he gets back into shape after the holidays. Still, he doesn’t seem remarkably disturbed by looking like a Christmas tree.

31. Hello, and welcome to Santa’s Snack Shack.

Well, if you want a new Xbox for Christmas, Santa has to pay for it somehow. Those presents don't pay for themselves, kiddo.

Well, if you want a new Xbox for Christmas, Santa has to pay for it somehow. Those presents don’t pay for themselves, kiddo.

32. Seems like Santa really enjoys riding on his quad runner ATV.

Seriously, those things are basically gas guzzing four wheeled motorcycles. Besides, I'm sure they're not cheap either and make lots of unnecessary noise. Not to mention, Santa seems just way too cool for those.

Seriously, those things are basically gas guzzing four wheeled motorcycles. Besides, I’m sure they’re not cheap either and make lots of unnecessary noise. Not to mention, Santa seems just way too cool for those.

33. Fuel up, elves, because Santa needs to take a pit stop.

Santa, this seems too dangerous for you! You don't want to wreck on the racetrack don't you? Still, why does this thing exist for God's sake?

Santa, this seems too dangerous for you! You don’t want to wreck on the racetrack don’t you? Still, why does this thing exist for God’s sake?

34. During the summer, Santa and Rudolph take gigs as lifeguards on the beach.

From Huffington Post:

From Huffington Post: “We get that sometimes people have to take lifeguarding gigs in the summer, but SANTA? Really?” Still, I could understand Rudolph but I’m not sure if reindeer know how to swim.

35. Looks like Frosty the snowman has opened up a new popcorn stand.

So how does Frosty manage to scoop up the popcorn from the machine without melting his hand? I mean it takes a lot of heat to make popcorn pop doesn't it? Perhaps Frosty should just stick to selling ice cream instead.

So how does Frosty manage to scoop up the popcorn from the machine without melting his hand? I mean it takes a lot of heat to make popcorn pop doesn’t it? Perhaps Frosty should just stick to selling ice cream instead.

36. Frosty the Snowman takes his penguin pal for a ride on his new ride.

Uh, doesn't it get hot when you turn on a motorcycle? I mean people wear leather jackets on them for a reason. Still, it's a wonder Frosty is able to retain shape while riding one.

Uh, doesn’t it get hot when you turn on a motorcycle? I mean people wear leather jackets on them for a reason. Still, it’s a wonder Frosty is able to retain shape while riding one.

37. Nothing says Christmas like your very own Christmas cactus.

Wait a minute, cacti live in warm desert climates, not in places with snow. Also, they aren't things you want to decorate because of their needles. Not to mention, I'm not sure if a cactus has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever.

Wait a minute, cacti live in warm desert climates, not in places with snow. Also, they aren’t things you want to decorate because of their needles. Not to mention, I’m not sure if a cactus has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever.

38. Of course, even Santa has times when you gotta go, you gotta go.

For God's sake, Santa, pull your pants up, will you? Nobody wants to see your naked ass this holiday season! God almighty, why does this even exist?

For God’s sake, Santa, pull your pants up, will you? Nobody wants to see your naked ass this holiday season! God almighty, why does this even exist?

39. Behold, a neon dancing Santa Claus.

Man, Santa seems to have lost a lot of weight since he started working out more at the North Pole gym.

Man, Santa seems to have lost a lot of weight since he started working out more at the North Pole gym.

40. Since his sleigh is now in the shop on Christmas Eve, Santa now delivers presents on his new 8-wheeler trailer truck.

Of course, there are plenty of truckers who look like Santa Claus so maybe Saint Nick is onto something here. Still, I bet the reindeer aren't too happy being unemployed though.

Of course, there are plenty of truckers who look like Santa Claus so maybe Saint Nick is onto something here. Still, I bet the reindeer aren’t too happy being unemployed though. And I’m sure that truck is a gas guzzler for sure.

41. Looks like the sleigh has run out of gas.

Wait a minute doesn't reindeer transport prevent the need for Santa to stop at a gas station? Also, even if the sleigh were powered, wouldn't run on some kind of alternative fuel source like magic?

Wait a minute doesn’t reindeer transport prevent the need for Santa to stop at a gas station? Also, even if the sleigh were powered, wouldn’t run on some kind of alternative fuel source like magic?

42. Of course, Darth Vader knows what you’re getting for Christmas since he can feel your presents.

Now I'm not sure Darth Vader would make an appropriate Christmas decoration mainly because he blew up his daughter's planet and froze her boyfriend in carbonite before handing him over a bounty hunter, cut off his son's hand, killed his mentor, and force choked his employees. Yeah, I'm sure this Star Wars villain is on the Dark Side of the Force.

Now I’m not sure Darth Vader would make an appropriate Christmas decoration mainly because he blew up his daughter’s planet and froze her boyfriend in carbonite before handing him over a bounty hunter, cut off his son’s hand, killed his mentor, and force choked his employees. Yeah, I’m sure this Star Wars villain is on the Dark Side of the Force and you wouldn’t want this man to be your father. Definitely not a character who fits the Christmas spirit.

43. Looks like Santa had a little accident with his sleigh.

Perhaps we should concede that Santa Claus probably isn't the best driver as far as reindeer pulled sleighs are concerned. Still, I wonder if he has accidents every year or just once in a blue moon.

Perhaps we should concede that Santa Claus probably isn’t the best driver as far as reindeer pulled sleighs are concerned. Still, I wonder if he has accidents every year or just once in a blue moon.

44. Looks like a polar bear got his tongue stuck at the North Pole during the ugly sweater party.

Of course, we should all know that the elf talked the polar bear into it. Guess he ain't getting any presents this year. Still, I'm sure the bear isn't going to be happy once Santa sorts things out.

Of course, we should all know that the elf talked the polar bear into it. Guess he ain’t getting any presents this year. Still, I’m sure the bear isn’t going to be happy once Santa sorts things out.

45. Since reindeer tend to be too much trouble, Santa decided to deliver presents via dump truck.

I'm sure this doesn't bode well with the quality of toys this year. Still, I think he should give the reindeer their jobs back before they go on strike for higher pay.

I’m sure this doesn’t bode well with the quality of toys this year. Still, I think he should give the reindeer their jobs back before they go on strike for higher pay.

46. Man, it’s so cold out, I swear the snowmen and penguins are shivering.

I can understand the penguins since they might freeze to death during Antarctic winters. But the snowman? C'mon, it's made out of snow.

I can understand the penguins since they might freeze to death during Antarctic winters. But the snowman? C’mon, it’s made out of snow.

47. Merry Christmas from your local neighborhood Spiderman.

Sorry, that Santa couldn't go on his rounds this year. So you'll have to make do with Spiderman. Sure he has no sleigh and reindeer, but he can swing house to house with his web.

Sorry, that Santa couldn’t go on his rounds this year. So you’ll have to make do with Spiderman. Sure he has no sleigh and reindeer, but he can swing house to house with his web.

48. It’s great fun at the North Pole on Santa’s party barge.

Let's hope nobody drinks too much eggnog, especially Captain Santa. Then again, I might watch out for the polar bear, too.

Let’s hope nobody drinks too much eggnog, especially Captain Santa. Then again, I might watch out for the polar bear, too.

49. Some fish wants to give Santa a present.

Now this absolutely makes no sense to me. I mean Santa was about to catch that fish wit intent to have it for dinner. But both seem quite cheerful for some reason.

Now this absolutely makes no sense to me. I mean Santa was about to catch that fish wit intent to have it for dinner. But both seem quite cheerful for some reason.

50. Merry Christmas from Spiderman as he scales up his wall.

Uh, spidey, are you sure you're going to do fine with that sack? Looks a bit heavy. Hope you don't break your back. Also, you might want to give the job to Superman. Or Ironman.

Uh, spidey, are you sure you’re going to do fine with that sack? Looks a bit heavy. Hope you don’t break your back. Also, you might want to give the job to Superman. Or Ironman.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Christmas Vintage Advertising of Yesterday

American Cyanamid Co - 19491224 Post

In the wake of the Black Friday cavalcade (as well as the fact I have to get up incredibly early to work a 10 hour shift starting at 6 a. m., don’t ask for I’m not looking forward to it), it’s no surprise that every family in the United States is receiving a shit load of Christmas shopping ads in their newspapers. Let’s face it, once Halloween is over, chances are, you’re going to find Christmas advertising everywhere. And even in the stores, you can hear Christmas songs coming from the speakers non-stop as well as on some of the radio stations. Nevertheless, Christmas advertising has always been a holiday tradition in America since, well, longer than we’d like to admit. Still, while we tend to have some nostalgia for the ads we imagine as wholesome and family friendly, there are some ads that haven’t really aged well. And some of them may even contain a few disturbing implications as well as be unintentionally dirty and funny. I could go on and on about the nicer cutesy ads but chances are you’d be more inclined for the demented ones. So without further adieu, here are some of the most messed up vintage ads for your viewing pleasure.

1. “Every B. V. D. garment must satisfy completely” in threesomes.

I know this is an underwear ad but these two guys seem to be oddly happy for some reason. And I don't think it has anything to do with the packages.

I know this is an underwear ad but these two guys seem to be oddly happy for some reason. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the packages. Still, since its the 1950s, she’s totally not going to bed with both of them. Yeah right.

2. For the kids, Santa brings their very own toy multi-clip machine gun?

Yeah, I'm sure every young kid wants their very own toy machine gun for Christmas. Did Santa try to make sure that their parents weren't part of some pacifist religion first? Still, I hope this ad wasn't out during a time of war.

Yeah, I’m sure every young kid wants their very own toy machine gun for Christmas. Did Santa try to make sure that their parents weren’t part of some pacifist religion first? Still, I hope this ad wasn’t out during a time of war.

3. Sad that your sister’s boyfriend doesn’t see her anymore, then Santa thinks she must have bad breath.

Let's dissect the situation: 1.    Dan leaves Big Sis.  He won’t say why.  He just vanishes, leaving Big Sis a sniveling shell of her former self. 2.    Big Sis’ loneliness and inner anguish is so palpable it prompts Little Sis to go to Santa for help.  3.   Santa tells the child it’s all about her sister’s nauseating dragon breath.  He says to get her to the dentist to quell the disgusting stench.  4.   The dentist tells Big Sis that she’s got ass breath, and may actually need to brush her teeth on occasion.   She does, and the shallowest boyfriend in history returns. Talk about Santa and Dan being selfish assholes.

Let’s dissect the situation:
1. Dan leaves Big Sis. He won’t say why. He just vanishes, leaving Big Sis a sniveling shell of her former self.
2. Big Sis’ loneliness and inner anguish is so palpable it prompts Little Sis to go to Santa for help.
3. Santa tells the child it’s all about her sister’s nauseating dragon breath. He says to get her to the dentist to quell the disgusting stench.
4. The dentist tells Big Sis that she’s got ass breath, and may actually need to brush her teeth on occasion. She does, and the shallowest boyfriend in history returns.
Talk about Santa and Dan being selfish assholes.

4. Make this Christmas “the best ever” for every boy. Give them a gun.

Seriously, real firearms make terrible Christmas gifts for children. I'm not sure  if puppies are any better. Still, better to give your son a Rough Ridge BB Bun than anything that could actually kill people. Worst thing he could do with a BB Gun is shoot his eye out.

Seriously, real firearms make terrible Christmas gifts for children. I’m not sure if puppies are any better. Still, better to give your son a Rough Ridge BB Bun than anything that could actually kill people. Worst thing he could do with a BB Gun is shoot his eye out.

5. Good, golly, look what Santa brought for Christmas! Hand shoes!

Either that, or Susie can finally attempt a new trick she learned from gymnastics. Still, the way the girl has those slippers on her hands is kind of disturbing.

Either that, or Susie can finally attempt a new trick she learned from gymnastics. Still, the way the girl has those slippers on her hands is kind of disturbing.

6. Bicycles: the best gift for any Christmas.

This girl is probably thinking: "The sooner Dalton starts riding this bicycle, the sooner I get his money. Nah-ha, ha, ha!" Yes, I don't think this girl is up to any good and almost seems like she wants to strangle the guy in the chair.

This girl is probably thinking: “The sooner Dalton starts riding this bicycle, the sooner I get his money. Nah-ha, ha, ha!” Yes, I don’t think this girl is up to any good and almost seems like she wants to strangle the guy in the chair.

7. Buster Brown Shoes: The gift that insures shapely, healthy feet-for life. Can’t say much about the guy’s face.

Seriously, what's with the guy's face? Looks like as if he's been hit by some horse cart a few years back. Of course, it's a shame his parents can't afford to get him some plastic restoration surgery.

Seriously, what’s with the guy’s face? Looks like as if he’s been hit by some horse cart a few years back. Of course, it’s a shame his parents can’t afford to get him some plastic restoration surgery.

8. For Christmas-give her leisure-with a vacuum cleaner.

No way in hell would I consider a getting a vacuum leisure on my part. Rather it's just a mechanism used to clean floors that make a lot of noise you can't get away from. God, if I got one, the one who gave it to me will be sent to the ER.

No way in hell would I consider a getting a vacuum leisure on my part. Rather it’s just a mechanism used to clean floors that make a lot of noise you can’t get away from. God, if I got one, the one who gave it to me will be sent to the ER.

9. Santa Claus’s daughter gets the best time of all from her father.

Wait a minute, Santa Claus has a daughter? I thought he and Mrs. Claus never had any kids. Still, how would Santa's kids ever have a normal life? How would Santa manage to give gifts to all the girls and boys as well as make it to all to those PTA meetings?

Wait a minute, Santa Claus has a daughter? I thought he and Mrs. Claus never had any kids. Still, how would Santa’s kids ever have a normal life? How would Santa manage to give gifts to all the girls and boys as well as make it to all to those PTA meetings?

10. Give her the gift of stockings and she’ll give you a moment of exhibitionism.

Man, seems like Santa is watching this woman trying on her new stockings. So is the old guy peeking from the door. Basically this ad is saying that all men are perverts. Even Santa Claus.

Man, seems like Santa is watching this woman trying on her new stockings. So is the old guy peeking from the door. Basically this ad is saying that all men are perverts. Even Santa Claus.

11. Get Dove Skin Undies so she could pass out Christmas presents in her underwear.

Dove: putting good looking models in their underwear ads before Victoria's Secret. Still, you have to hand it to Dove that they have the guts to put their models in granny panties.

Dove: putting good looking models in their underwear ads before Victoria’s Secret. Still, you have to hand it to Dove that they have the guts to put their models in granny panties. Also, do those ornaments look like grenades?

12. Since Santa got his new Paris belt, he’s been on vacation and screwing blond chicks.

Yeah, I'm sure I'd find an old guy with a long white beard sexy, especially with a the blond chick next to him who certainly isn't Mrs. Claus. Also, why is Santa smoking a big cigar in the plastic rimmed glasses?

Yeah, I’m sure I’d find an old guy with a long white beard sexy, especially with a the blond chick next to him who certainly isn’t Mrs. Claus. Also, why is Santa smoking a big cigar in the plastic rimmed glasses?

13. Use this Shower Massage by Water Pik or else Santa might kill you.

Hey, I used one of those shower heads for years until perhaps a few years ago. It's been replaced but I'm sure my parents still have it. Still, is Santa naked in this? Now that's what I don't want to see!

Hey, I used one of those shower heads for years until perhaps a few years ago. It’s been replaced but I’m sure my parents still have it. Still, is Santa naked in this? Now that’s what I don’t want to see!

14. “Don’t do it Santa, for God’s sake! Don’t blow yourself up with a blunderbuss!”

Seriously, I'm sure reading Christmas letters may cause Santa a lot of stress. But why depict him in an ad for men's shirt showing him wanting to shoot himself? I'm sure a guy would want a shit for Christmas. Yeah, right.

Seriously, I’m sure reading Christmas letters may cause Santa a lot of stress. But why depict him in an ad for men’s shirt showing him wanting to shoot himself? I’m sure a guy would want a shit for Christmas. Yeah, right.

15. Watch your kids opening their presents, in spandex underwear?

Don't get me wrong, the guy has a nice body. Still, he seems to have a creepy expression on his face, which suggests ill intent. And I don't think those undies are helping him.

Don’t get me wrong, the guy has a nice body. Still, he seems to have a creepy expression on his face, which suggests ill intent. And I don’t think those undies are helping him. At least the authorities have been notified.

16. Beat the Christmas holiday rush, get a tombstone.

Because if you think this might be your last Christmas, why don't you just save your family the financial trouble? Still, I know why a tombstone company might want to advertise during Christmas. January is well known as a great month for the funeral business.

Because if you think this might be your last Christmas, why don’t you just save your family the financial trouble? Still, I know why a tombstone company might want to advertise during Christmas. January is well known as a great month for the funeral business.

17. Celebrate Christmas like our ancestors did, with a flaming wheel.

Now this ad reminds me less of any Christmas carols and more of the Bob Dylan song, "This Wheel's on Fire," with:  "This wheel’s on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode!"

Now this ad reminds me less of any Christmas carols and more of the Bob Dylan song, “This Wheel’s on Fire,” with:
“This wheel’s on fire
Rolling down the road
Best notify my next of kin
This wheel shall explode!”

18. Don’t look now, but Santa seems hungry for human flesh and is covering the neighborhood with Christmas lights.

Yes, yes, run from Santa. He needs your soft flesh to nourish him. Run away from those giant strings of Christmas lights. It's a trap. Run, run for your lives.

Yes, yes, run from Santa. He needs your soft flesh to nourish him. Run away from those giant strings of Christmas lights. It’s a trap. Run, run for your lives.

19. Use 7 Up to pack the punch for your Christmas party.

Now I'm sure the guy is certainly too old for the girl in this. And I'm not sure if she's a teenager or not. Still, hope that the punch isn't alcoholic because I don't have a good feeling about this. I mean I could hear, "Baby It's Cold Outside," looking at this ad.

Now I’m sure the guy is certainly too old for the girl in this. And I’m not sure if she’s a teenager or not. Still, hope that the punch isn’t alcoholic because I don’t have a good feeling about this. I mean I could hear, “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” looking at this ad.

20. May all your Alcoa products not only be useful in your home and hobbies but also double as sex toys.

Don't look now but I think things are about to get kinky with the iron and the drill. Sure they may have unusual ways of keeping the spark alive but as Pope Francis said, who are we to judge?

Don’t look now but I think things are about to get kinky with the iron and the drill. Sure they may have unusual ways of keeping the spark alive but as Pope Francis said, who are we to judge?

21. Give a great gift for this Christmas, a set of silk satin one piece pajamas.

Now while these clothes are promoted as pajamas in this ad, they seem to be outfits you'd see Lady Gaga wear during one of her concerts. This is especially with the one with the puffy sleeves and the butterfly.

Now while these clothes are promoted as pajamas in this ad, they seem to be outfits you’d see Lady Gaga wear during one of her concerts. This is especially with the one with the puffy sleeves and the butterfly.

22. Give the gift every sportsman wants for Christmas, a gun.

Yeah, I'm sure a gun would make a great Christmas gift. What the fuck am I saying? Of course, it doesn't! For God's sake, as Christmas gifts, guns are worse than puppies! Jesus Christ, why?

Yeah, I’m sure a gun would make a great Christmas gift. What the fuck am I saying? Of course, it doesn’t! For God’s sake, as Christmas gifts, guns are worse than puppies! Jesus Christ, why?

23. To make it merry, make it Mojud, whatever that is.

Okay, looks like Santa has just picked up some high class hooker in his sleigh as a Christmas present for himself after spending one busy night delivering presents for the good boys and girls. Bad, bad, Santa. Naughty Santa. How dare you cheat on Mrs. Claus!

Okay, looks like Santa has just picked up some high class hooker in his sleigh as a Christmas present for himself after spending one busy night delivering presents for the good boys and girls. Bad, bad, Santa. Naughty Santa. How dare you cheat on Mrs. Claus!

24. Make Christmas from the Chess King with a Santa dressed girl on his side and his sleigh being pulled by a couple of pegacorns.

Now this resembles nothing more than a cheesy hair band Christmas album cover from the 1980s or some fantasy Christmas Harlequin romance novel cover. Still, couldn't resist including this one since it's just so 1980s cheesy.

Now this resembles nothing more than a cheesy hair band Christmas album cover from the 1980s or some fantasy Christmas Harlequin romance novel cover. Still, couldn’t resist including this one since it’s just so 1980s cheesy.

25. Seems like Santa approves of these women’s pants, so get them.

I don't know about you, but is Santa checking these women out for some reason? Also, I don't think he's looking at their legs. What a perv.

I don’t know about you, but is Santa checking these women out for some reason? Also, I don’t think he’s looking at their legs. What a perv. And this from Macy’s good God. I work there.

26. Even Mrs. Claus wants a new ironing table, which Santa will get her.

Wait a minute, that's Mrs. Claus? Isn't she supposed to be a more chunky old lady like Santa? Then again, this woman may be known as the "second Mrs. Claus" who Santa ditched the first one for. Poor woman. Still, I don't like the look on his face in this ad. Guess the wife owes him something more of the carnal variety.

Wait a minute, that’s Mrs. Claus? Isn’t she supposed to be a more chunky old lady like Santa? Then again, this woman may be known as the “second Mrs. Claus” who Santa ditched the first one for. Poor woman. Still, I don’t like the look on his face in this ad. Guess the wife owes him something more of the carnal variety.

27. To merry people everywhere, drink Pepsi because Coke is for losers.

Since Marjorie couldn't stand the feel of those ugly Christmas sweaters for the ugly holiday sweater party at his folks house, Jerry decided to give her one of the most hideous holiday lady hats he could find. And yes, that Christmas tree hat is dreadful.

Since Marjorie couldn’t stand the feel of those ugly Christmas sweaters for the ugly holiday sweater party at his folks house, Jerry decided to give her one of the most hideous holiday lady hats he could find. And yes, that Christmas tree hat is dreadful but she loves it.

28. “And please, Santa, give Mommy a Hoover.”

I don't know about you but I suspect something sketchy about this Santa Claus. I mean he seems more like he's about to burst into a homicidal rampage than give presents to kids.

I don’t know about you but I suspect something sketchy about this Santa Claus. I mean he seems more like he’s about to burst into a homicidal rampage than give presents to kids.

29. Buy a scale which is a beautiful way of saying “Merry Christmas.”

Seriously, all that giving your loved one a scale for Christmas is like a covert way of saying, "You're fat." Let's just say nobody wants to get a scale for Christmas. Not ever. For Christ's sake, what the fuck?

Seriously, all that giving your loved one a scale for Christmas is like a covert way of saying, “I think you’re fat so hop to it, chunky lugs.” Let’s just say nobody wants to get a scale for Christmas. Not ever. For Christ’s sake, what the fuck?

30. Get one of those Everready flashlights so Santa can see the kiddies while they’re sleeping.

Now I don't know about you but this ad tends to make the idea of Santa with a flashlight quite terrifying. This is especially so since he's holding it near his crotch.

Now I don’t know about you but this ad tends to make the idea of Santa with a flashlight quite terrifying. This is especially so since he’s holding it near his crotch.

31. Of course, Santa is real and we are all his puppets.

This is an ad for Weatherman's Fountain Pen. Still, it's pretty disturbing having all those people connected to Santa through wires on their bodies. So Santa is the ultimate puppetmeister.

This is an ad for Weatherman’s Fountain Pen. Still, it’s pretty disturbing having all those people connected to Santa through wires on their bodies. So Santa is the ultimate puppetmeister.

32. Instead of leaving milk with those cookies for Santa, why don’t you just give him a bottle of Jack Daniels?

Of course, this ad may explain why some young girls received a jockstrap for Christmas and why some boys got a set of cosmetics by Estee Lauder. Yes, Santa was drunk off his ass on Christmas Eve so he sometimes doesn't get the list demands straight.

Of course, this ad may explain why some young girls received a jockstrap for Christmas and why some boys got a set of cosmetics by Estee Lauder. Yes, Santa was drunk off his ass on Christmas Eve so he sometimes doesn’t get the list demands straight.

33. Whenever Santa Claus makes his visits, he usually smokes Lucky Strikes.

Sure you may have to be good to get presents from Santa, this doesn't mean Santa Claus has to be a great role model. Still, Lucky Strikes were known not to contain filters as well as give you lungs full of tar and an early death.

Sure you may have to be good to get presents from Santa, this doesn’t mean Santa Claus has to be a great role model. Still, Lucky Strikes were known not to contain filters as well as give you lungs full of tar and an early death.

34. Nothing says Christmas like boys playing with trains in their underwear.

I don't know about you but are there anything skeevy about this. My God, this is sick.  Only weird boys played with toy trains in their undies whether they be boxers or tidy whiteys.

I don’t know about you but are there anything skeevy about this. My God, this is sick. Only weird boys played with toy trains in their undies whether they be boxers or tidy whiteys.

35. Santa says that Pall Mall cigarettes guard against throat scratch.

Yes, but side effects include yellow skin, yellow teeth, cancer, emphysema, COPD, cardiovascular disease, and early death. Also, bad, bad, Santa.

Yes, but side effects include yellow skin, yellow teeth, cancer, emphysema, COPD, cardiovascular disease, and early death. Also, bad, bad, Santa.

36. An Apple computer allows Santa and his elves handle the list much easier.

Now I don't know about you but Santa kind of terrifies me in this one with his large eyes of death staring at the elves. Also, those elves kind of look like creepy lawn ornaments.

Now I don’t know about you but Santa kind of terrifies me in this one with his large eyes of death staring at the elves. Also, those elves kind of look like creepy lawn ornaments.

37. Give your loved one a pair of good ol’ reliable Golden Boots.

Is that supposed to be Santa or some kind of mythological fur covered Sasquatch hybrid. Or perhaps he's some kind of mountain man who's been up in the woods far too long. Either way, that guy is sure to haunt my dreams.

Is that supposed to be Santa or some kind of mythological fur covered Sasquatch hybrid. Or perhaps he’s some kind of mountain man who’s been up in the woods far too long. Either way, that guy is sure to haunt my dreams.

38. Don’t forget to decorate the outside of your house with Noma Lights.

I don't know about you but that happy kid in the Santa suit seems like he's about to use one of those lights to blow up your house. And he doesn't seem to have any remorse for it.

I don’t know about you but that happy kid in the Santa suit seems like he’s about to use one of those lights to blow up your house. And he doesn’t seem to have any remorse for it. Why do these kids in these ads look so creepy?

39. Spoon tree decorations, now I haven’t seen that before.

If I went to a house where I found a Christmas tree covered with silver spoons, I'd think is this person on drugs? or I wonder what nuthouse these people came from.

If I went to a house where I found a Christmas tree covered with silver spoons, I’d think is this person on drugs? or I wonder what nuthouse these people came from.

40. Fellas, get a Gem Razor and Blades for your face and your girlfriend will let you stare at her large boobs for as long as you like.

Sure she's looking at his handsome face while he's staring at her well endowed bosom. Guess this fellow is getting laid tonight.

Sure she’s looking at his handsome face while he’s staring at her well endowed bosom. Guess this fellow is getting laid tonight.

41. For your kids, get them a set of Christmas Morning Hero Underoos.

I don't know about you but I don't think having kids in their underwear pose with Santa is entirely appropriate. Seriously, who the hell thought that this photo op was a good idea?

I don’t know about you but I don’t think having kids in their underwear pose with Santa is entirely appropriate. Seriously, who the hell thought that this photo op was a good idea?

42. Make Budweiser the beer to drink for this holiday season.

I'm sure this night will soon to degenerate with, "I really can't stay." "But, baby, is cold outside." "I got to go home." "But, baby, it's cold outside." I guess you can figure it out from there.

I’m sure this night will soon to degenerate with, “I really can’t stay.”
“But, baby, is cold outside.”
“I got to go home.”
“But, baby, it’s cold outside.” I guess you can figure it out from there.

43. Make this Christmas the happiest for your family with color TV.

Because why have those creepy clowns give you nightmares in black and white while they can scare the bejesus out of you in color? Like in the circus.

Because why have those creepy clowns give you nightmares in black and white while they can scare the bejesus out of you in color? Like in the circus.

44. Hey, look, here’s Santa Claus drinking a bottle of Coca Cola with his sidekick Sprite Boy.

Now Sprite Boy was this bottle cap wearing goddamn evil albino child who's clearly asking you, the viewer to be complicit in the murder of Santa Claus  by not warning him of the demon awaiting in the darkness behind. That demon? Diabetus.

Now Sprite Boy was this terrifying bottle cap wearing goddamn evil albino child who’s clearly asking you, the viewer to be complicit in the murder of Santa Claus by not Swarning him of the demon awaiting in the darkness behind. That demon? Diabetus.

45. So you see, kids, this Zippo lighter always works as well would make a perfect present for your chain smoking dad.

I'm sure demonstrating a cigarette lighter in front of the kids is a perfectly good idea. I'm the children won't be getting ideas about setting their house on fire. Yeah right.

I’m sure demonstrating a cigarette lighter in front of the kids is a perfectly good idea. I’m the children won’t be getting ideas about setting their house on fire. Yeah right.

46. Share your home movies with this Revere movie projector.

"This is the part where I murdered our neighbor Bobby for being an asshole and not returning my tools. Let's just say, I whacked him on the head with the shovel, dismembered is body, and spread his parts all over the lawn so his dogs might eat it. And my wife, Helen filmed the whole thing. It's great family fun."

“This is the part where I murdered our neighbor Bobby for being an asshole and not returning my tools. Let’s just say, I whacked him on the head with the shovel, dismembered is body, and spread his parts all over the lawn so his dogs might eat it. And my wife, Helen filmed the whole thing. It’s great family fun.”

47. Whenever Santa goes on his sleigh, he always has a sack full of Boswell’s Ale and Porter.

I don't know about you but it seems that Santa Claus might have some alcohol dependency issues. I mean he has a sack full of booze and I know you can't give children that.

I don’t know about you but it seems that Santa Claus might have some alcohol dependency issues. I mean he has a sack full of booze and I know you can’t give children that.

48. O-o-oh, Santa, I just love that Micosheen shine!

I’ll have Cracked explain this situation, “There are three possible scenarios on display here:
1. Santa is so scandalized that he took his own life rather than endure another moment of gazing at the demon breasts. 2. The woman is extremely turned on by crime scenes and snuck into Santa’s suicide to rub one out. 3. Santa is so sexually jaded that the only way he can get off is to watch a woman satisfy herself with gargantuan, ornate cast-iron dildos while he practices autoerotic asphyxiation.” Still, how could anyone ever explain the situation to the Mrs. Claus? And yes, the ad is pixelated on the company’s website. Guess that woman’s see through nightie has a habit of getting men in red suits too excited for some reason. And this one is from 1956.

49. Wake up your husband Christmas morning with a Klaxon.

I know that whatever's under the covers is supposed to be feet. Yet, I can't help but wonder if the Klaxon horn could also be used to stop erections at inappropriate moments.

I know that whatever’s under the covers is supposed to be feet. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if the Klaxon horn could also be used to stop erections at inappropriate moments.

50. Cigarettes: a great gift for every adult on your Christmas list.

Yes, why keep all the tobacco related health problems to yourself while you can pass it onto all your friends in the car as well as your black driver's who's been asking you for a raise for months?

Yes, why keep all the tobacco related health problems to yourself while you can pass it onto all your friends in the car as well as your black driver’s who’s been asking you for a raise for months?

51. An extension phone saves you everyday effort so you can enjoy the holiday fun.

"I don't think I have the time to hide the body with you today, Dolores. But I'm sure we can dump your brother Phil in the dumpster next Saturday. Tommy wants to take the kids Christmas shopping that day so I'll have the place to myself."

“I don’t think I have the time to hide the body with you today, Dolores. But I’m sure we can dump your brother Phil in the dumpster next Saturday. Tommy wants to take the kids Christmas shopping that day so I’ll have the place to myself.”

52. Isn’t that special? Bing Crosby trims a “Friendship Tree.”

Of course, Bing Crosby is also known to be one of the shittiest parents in Hollywood said to be cold, cruel, remote as well as physically and emotionally abusive to his four sons from his first marriage (this is disputed within his own family though). Also, left them out of getting any money until they reached 65.

Of course, Bing Crosby is also known to be one of the shittiest parents in Hollywood said to be cold, cruel, remote as well as physically and emotionally abusive to his four sons from his first marriage (this is disputed within his own family though). Also, left them out of getting any money until they reached 65. Also, Christmas cards are quite flammable.

53. Help yourself to good taste with Budweiser.

Hey, I didn't know that Santa Claus was quite the chef in the North Pole kitchen. Always thought Mrs. Claus did the cooking and she mostly made cookies like you'd expect.

Hey, I didn’t know that Santa Claus was quite the chef in the North Pole kitchen. Always thought Mrs. Claus did the cooking and she mostly made cookies like you’d expect. Maybe Santa’s healthier than most people expect.

54. Bless your hearth by putting Necco in your kids’ stockings.

Look, I put this candy among the items trick or treaters don't want to get for Halloween. So if your child doesn't like to receive Neccos in his Halloween treat bag, then he wouldn't want one in his Christmas stocking.

Look, I put this candy among the items trick or treaters don’t want to get for Halloween. So if your child doesn’t like to receive Neccos in his Halloween treat bag, then he wouldn’t want one in his Christmas stocking.

55. Get these Atkins saws so you may cut a cow’s head off.

Seriously, what's the deal with putting cows in an ad for a saw? It makes who ever receives the saw seem psychotic. Still, if any child receives this, then he's bound to kill animals and you want your brat to have the best, don't you?

Seriously, what’s the deal with putting cows in an ad for a saw? It makes who ever receives the saw seem psychotic. Still, if any child receives this, then he’s bound to kill animals and you want your brat to have the best, don’t you? I’m sure Pam Voorhes gave a similar gift to her son Jason.

56. These Christmas decorations will give you a barrel of good cheer this holiday season.

All I have to ask is this, what the hell happened to Santa's clothes? I mean he's wearing a barrel! Still, I don't want to see a naked Santa, please.

All I have to ask is this, what the hell happened to Santa’s clothes? I mean he’s wearing a barrel! Still, I don’t want to see a naked Santa, please.

57. For Christmas, treat yourself to these flaming ice cream snowballs.

I wonder how these ice cream balls manage to retain their shape while the candle is still in them. I mean I'd expect the ice cream to melt near a source of heat, would I? Also, fire is dangerous, especially near children.

I wonder how these ice cream balls manage to retain their shape while the candle is still in them. I mean I’d expect the ice cream to melt near a source of heat, would I? Also, fire is dangerous, especially near children.

58. Now here’s Santa enjoying a Coke near a Christmas train set.

Seems like the local Toyland police have finally caught up with him. I'm sure these pilots' fates won't be pretty.

Seems like the local Toyland police have finally caught up with him. I’m sure these pilots’ fates won’t be pretty.

59. Merry Christmas, from the Santa’s bell hop assistant, the Phillip Morris delivery boy.

Now it's one thing for Santa to be on tobacco ads for the Christmas season. But at least Santa Claus is an adult. Yet, having a kid advertise for tobacco, well, that's just incredibly disturbing. Also, that boy is rather terrifying as if he wants to kill people with lung cancer.

Now it’s one thing for Santa to be on tobacco ads for the Christmas season. But at least Santa Claus is an adult. Yet, having a kid advertise for tobacco, well, that’s just incredibly disturbing. Also, that boy is rather terrifying as if he wants to kill people with lung cancer.

60. Nice to see couples decorating the tree this Christmas.

After the tree decorating is over, I'm sure things between the two are about to get really, really awkward. Hope they just get a room already. Still, this would be a better ad if it was promoting Cialis.

After the tree decorating is over, I’m sure things between the two are about to get really, really awkward. Hope they just get a room already. Still, this would be a better ad if it was promoting Cialis.

61. Ladies, what better gift to give your husband than a month’s supply of Lucky Strikes?

"Don't worry about me, honey, just smoke as much as you want. After all, we have a $100,000 life insurance policy so I'm sure everything's going to be fine."

“Don’t worry about me, honey, just smoke as much as you want. After all, we have a $100,000 life insurance policy so I’m sure everything’s going to be fine.”

62. “Gee, Dad! A Winchester!”

Yes, I'm sure a Winchester makes a great gift for the adolescent teenage boy who seems to be on the brink of starting a homicidal rampage for his own amusement.

Yes, I’m sure a Winchester makes a great gift for the adolescent teenage boy who seems to be on the brink of starting a homicidal rampage for his own amusement. Seriously, guns make horrible Christmas gifts.

63. Nothing says Christmas than plastic wrap.

Yeah, I'm sure that plastic ponchos make a great Christmas gift even if they do look ridiculous. Still, I don't think the housewife seems very happy in this illustration. Yet, I'm sure those materials aren't very good for the environment.

Yeah, I’m sure that plastic ponchos make a great Christmas gift even if they do look ridiculous. Still, I don’t think the housewife seems very happy in this illustration. Yet, I’m sure those materials aren’t very good for the environment.

64. Give your girl the gift of a shaving razor for her legs.

For God's sake, is that mistletoe on her foot? If not, then what the hell is it and who the hell thought that this image would make a good ad idea? Seriously, this is crazy.

For God’s sake, is that mistletoe on her foot? If not, then what the hell is it and who the hell thought that this image would make a good ad idea? Seriously, this is crazy.

65. For the ladies, I’m sure an H & R rifle would do quite nicely.

This woman seems like there's something wrong with her. I mean seeing her hold the gun, it makes me think that she can't contain any excitement to use it, especially toward her mortal enemies.

This woman seems like there’s something wrong with her. I mean seeing her hold the gun, it makes me think that she can’t contain any excitement to use it, especially toward her mortal enemies.

66. If you don’t know what to give to the man in your life, perhaps this gift set would do just fine.

This ad doesn't explicitly say what this set pertains to but I'm sure your man will love it. Believe, me I tried to look up the product and I still don't know if it's a men's grooming set, coffee set, or booze set. Seriously, I don't.

This ad doesn’t explicitly say what this set pertains to but I’m sure your man will love it. Believe, me I tried to look up the product and I still don’t know if it’s a men’s grooming set, coffee set, or booze set. Seriously, I don’t.

67. Santa comes bearing a gift that keeps on giving: Swiss Army Knives.

And it seems that Santa is so overexcited about giving them away as if he's saying, "Hey, kiddies, why don't you take a look at this?"

And it seems that Santa is so overexcited about giving them away as if he’s saying, “Hey, kiddies, why don’t you take a look at this?”

68. Places Santa Claus doesn’t visit: Homes with bad kids and places with a leaky faucet.

So, kiddos, remember to tell your parents to check the plumbing before Christmas or else, Santa won't visit you. Yes, the only sound Santa can't stand is leaky pipes.

So, kiddos, remember to tell your parents to check the plumbing before Christmas or else, Santa won’t visit you. Yes, the only sound Santa can’t stand is leaky pipes.

69. What could be nice on Christmas than two dogs sharing an alcoholic drink under the mistletoe?

From the look from the Scottie's face, it seems like things are about to get frisky. Still, remember what Bob Barker always said, "Control the pet population. Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets." Because we all know what would happen if you don't.

From the look from the Scottie’s face, it seems like things are about to get frisky. Still, remember what Bob Barker always said, “Control the pet population. Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.” Because we all know what would happen if you don’t.

70. Remember, fellas, a girl’s best friend is her refrigerator.

So men, be smart this season. Instead of giving your girl the traditional jewelry piece, I'm sure your money would go to better use for appliances. Even though they may cost more than a diamond ring in the long run.

So men, be smart this season. Instead of giving your girl the traditional jewelry piece, I’m sure your money would go to better use for appliances. Even though they may cost more than a diamond ring in the long run. Still, I was only being sarcastic because appliances should really be gifts for the whole family since everyone uses them.

The Wonderful World of Amigurumi

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Amigurumi is the Japanese art of knitting and crocheting small stuffed animals and anthropomorphic creatures. In fact, the word amigurumi itself means, “knitted stuffed doll” in Japanese. Traditionally renderings in such a style tend to be animals but can also include artistic renderings or inanimate objects with anthropomorphic features as is typical Japanese culture. And like a lot of things in Japan, a key characteristic to amigrurumi is cuteness in which figures usually have a round head that’s disproportionally larger than their bodies. Since 2003, amigurumi has become popular to the masses outside its native range that such items are now the most popular pieces. Not only that, but amigurumi figures are being made by people outside Japan as well. And it’s easy to see why. In this post, you will see many amigurumi figures of all shapes and sizes whether it be in the traditional cutesy style, renderings of pop culture aspects, or those having a demented spin that wouldn’t appeal to children. Some will be perfectly appropriate as children’s toys while others, not so much. Nevertheless, for your viewing pleasure, I give you a glimpse into the wonderful world of amigurumi.

1. To kick things off, here’s a nice little crocheted Abominable Snowman.

Now while the one on the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special was quite intimidating, this yeti is more like "the Abomibadorable Snowman" to me.

Now while the one on the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special was quite intimidating, this yeti is more like “the Abombinadorable Snowman” to me.

2. For the girl who believes in fairy tales, here’s amigurumi crocheted princess doll.

Sure she may be a lovely princess but she also seems to be from a more ethnically diverse background than most Disney princesses who are usually white. Let's just say Disney has no Asian, Indian (India), Hispanic, or Polynesian princesses whatsoever.

Sure she may be a lovely princess but she also seems to be from a more ethnically diverse background than most Disney princesses who are usually white. Let’s just say Disney has no Asian, Indian (India), Hispanic, or Polynesian princesses whatsoever.

3. For the redhead girl in all of us, meet Emily.

Now she seems the perfect little doll you'd want to give your niece, daughter, or cousin. Still, if Madeline had a granddaughter, she'd look like this.

Now she seems the perfect little doll you’d want to give your niece, daughter, or cousin. Still, if Madeline had a granddaughter, she’d look like this.

4. Grace your Christmas tree with this cute crocheted angel.

I've seen a lot of angel amigurumi on Google Images. Of course, the biggest disadvantage of having them as a tree topper is that they don't light up. Yet, that may be easily remedied.

I’ve seen a lot of angel amigurumi on Google Images. Of course, the biggest disadvantage of having them as a tree topper is that they don’t light up. Yet, that may be easily remedied.

5. Bunny Norman Bates sure loves his mother if you know what I mean.

Of course, only those who've watched Psycho would get this. Still, keep it away from blonde women in showers, especially in hotels that use taxidermy as decor.

Of course, only those who’ve watched Psycho would get this. Still, keep it away from blonde women in showers, especially in seedy desolate motels in the Southwest US that use taxidermy as decor.

6. As with almost every post on crafts, I’d always have to include one featuring Star Wars.

Playset is only available to those who live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Also, the Han Solo one always shoots first for some reason.

Playset is only available to those who live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Also, the Han Solo one always shoots first for some reason.

7. Now here’s a nice little dark hair doll for a young girl.

Now it seems this one is made with realistic looking hair. Yet, she looks kind of awkward that  she lacks a nose and mouth. I mean how does she even eat?

Now it seems this one is made with realistic looking hair. Yet, she looks kind of awkward that she lacks a nose and mouth. I mean how does she even eat?

8. Whether it be for little girls or young men, crocheted My Little Pony toys make the perfect gifts.

Let's just hope these My Little Pony toys go to young girls. I mean the very idea of adult men being into My Little Pony is rather disturbing if you ask me. I mean College Humor made quite a few videos mocking it.

Let’s just hope these My Little Pony toys go to young girls. I mean the very idea of adult men being into My Little Pony is rather disturbing if you ask me. I mean College Humor made quite a few videos mocking it.

9. Now these two sure make a cute couple don’t they?

I see a lot of wedding amigurumi figures as well. Still, while cute, I hope the bride and groom would treasure these forever and not let any of their children play with them. You have no idea what kids can do to toys.

I see a lot of wedding amigurumi figures as well. Still, while cute, I hope the bride and groom would treasure these forever and not let any of their children play with them. You have no idea what kids can do to toys.

10. It’s a pug! It’s a bee! It’s Pugbee!

Now I'm sure it's cute but I can't tell whether it's a mutant from some genetic experiment or a dog in a Halloween costume.

Now I’m sure it’s cute but I can’t tell whether it’s a mutant from some genetic experiment or a dog in a Halloween costume.

11. If your kid is scared of shots, why don’t give him or her this adorable little nurse doll?

Now this nurse won't keep you away from germs but I'm sure she'll make everything feel better. Still, we know nurses nowadays don't wear that stereotypical outfit.

Now this nurse won’t keep you away from germs but I’m sure she’ll make everything feel better. Still, we know nurses nowadays don’t wear that stereotypical outfit.

12. Behold, I give you the Bride of Frankenstein.

Hate to say this but in Bride of Frankenstein, I'm not sure she was green but she was certainly not happy getting matched up with Boris Karloff's character. And while Frankenstein let his creator and wife escape, him and his bride both died.

Hate to say this but in Bride of Frankenstein, I’m not sure she was green but she was certainly not happy getting matched up with Boris Karloff’s character. And while Frankenstein let his creator and wife escape, him and his bride both died.

13. Now this little bunny would make a great Easter decoration or gift.

Of course, this little bunny was certainly inspired by Hello! Kitty. Yet, at least this one isn't as creepy as the costumed Easter Bunnies.

Of course, this little bunny was certainly inspired by Hello! Kitty. Yet, at least this one isn’t as creepy as the costumed Easter Bunnies.

14. Now I suppose that this is one of the cutest little peacocks I’ve ever seen.

Even though this little peacock is a little girl's toy, it's very obvious this little crocheted stuffed animal is a boy. Seriously, peacocks don't lay eggs and are built with such a feathered train to attract peahens.

Even though this little peacock is a little girl’s toy, it’s very obvious this little crocheted stuffed animal is a boy. Seriously, peacocks don’t lay eggs and are built with such a feathered train to attract peahens for mates.

15. These crocheted minons almost look like those from Despicable Me.

Of course, minions are a very popular craft subject in a lot of forms. Perhaps it's because they're so cute an very easy to make.

Of course, minions are a very popular craft subject in a lot of forms. Perhaps it’s because they’re so cute an very easy to make.

16. Now this little panda is simply as adorable as the real thing.

Of course, while pandas are considered cute due to their black and white composition and bear like appearance, they nevertheless are endangered in China. And I'm sure the pollution there doesn't help.

Of course, while pandas are considered cute due to their black and white composition and bear like appearance, they nevertheless are endangered in China. And I’m sure the pollution there doesn’t help.

17. Looks like Pooh and Tigger have been crocheted straight out of the Hundred Acre Wood.

I don't know about you but I think these are almost perfect replicas of the real Disney cartoon characters. Of course, the book illustrations not so much.

I don’t know about you but I think these are almost perfect replicas of the real Disney cartoon characters. Of course, the book illustrations not so much.

18. I’m sure the marshmallows aren’t going to like us making smores.

I'm sure the shaded part is already burned and one of the marshmallows is already dead. And I'm sure the others are fearing an upcoming infernal demise.

I’m sure the shaded part is already burned and one of the marshmallows is already dead. And I’m sure the others are fearing an upcoming infernal demise.

19. There’s a happy face in the cheese pizza.

Let's hope the cutter doesn't do anything to this pizza. Still, I think it's very cute if you know what I mean.

Let’s hope the cutter doesn’t do anything to this pizza. Still, I think it’s very cute if you know what I mean. Of course, I’m sure the cheese and tomato sauce bit isn’t made from yarn.

20. Oh, great, it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

Now this chrocheted marshmallow titan is much cuter and happier than the one in Ghostbusters. Yet, his appearance is one of the great highlights in the film.

Now this chrocheted marshmallow titan is much cuter and happier than the one in Ghostbusters. Yet, his appearance is one of the great highlights in the film.

21. Since Frozen is so popular I’m sure any little girl would want a crocheted stuffed Anna and Elsa doll.

I know that Elsa and Anna didn't have button eyes, but they're so cute just the same. Still, we're sure that every little girl wanted to be Elsa for Halloween this year.

I know that Elsa and Anna didn’t have button eyes, but they’re so cute just the same. Still, we’re sure that every little For girl wanted to be Elsa for Halloween this year that there was even a New Yorker cartoon depicting Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon dressed as her.

22. For breakfast, it’s best that you have your bacon and eggs sunny side up.

Luckily, you don't have your bacon and eggs smile at you in the morning. Else, you might be quite disturbed enough to think twice.

Luckily, you don’t have your bacon and eggs smile at you in the morning. Else, you might be quite disturbed enough to think twice.

23. From the Lord of Hell to a cuddly plush toy, Satan has done it all.

I'm sure this Satan goat doll with bare breasts isn't going to make an appropriate children's toy by any stretch of the imagination. Still, demented but cuddly.

I’m sure this Satan goat doll with bare breasts isn’t going to make an appropriate children’s toy by any stretch of the imagination. Still, demented but cuddly.

24. While Bambi’s mom got shot by hunters, he was cut in sections by a meat cleaver.

For kids who haven't seen Bambi: Don't worry, little ones, contrary to this exhibit, Bambi doesn't die in the movie. Yet, this doesn't stop the film from having other scary moments.

For kids who haven’t seen Bambi: Don’t worry, little ones, contrary to this exhibit, Bambi doesn’t die in the movie. Yet, this doesn’t stop the film from having other scary moments.

25. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

As with Star Wars, I'm sure I've put a lot of Beatles craft renditions on my blog. This one is from the Fab Four years such as you'd see from A Hard Day's Night. You can tell which one is which.

As with Star Wars, I’m sure I’ve put a lot of Beatles craft renditions on my blog. This one is from the Fab Four years such as you’d see from A Hard Day’s Night. You can tell which one is which.

26. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, beauty and the beast.

Now these are adorable renditions of Belle and the Beast. Still, Beauty and the Beast was one of my favorite Disney films as a little girl.

Now these are adorable renditions of Belle and the Beast. Still, Beauty and the Beast was one of my favorite Disney films as a little girl.

27. My I introduce to you: Spongebob Squarepants, Suicide Bomber Under the Sea.

Guess kids shouldn't be watching Spongebob Squarepants. He's probably not a great role model committing acts of terror at the expense of his own life. Man, what were they thinking?

Guess kids shouldn’t be watching Spongebob Squarepants. He’s probably not a great role model committing acts of terror at the expense of his own life. Man, what were they thinking?

28. Looks like Bert couldn’t put up with Ernie’s drinking habits anymore.

So yes, alcohol can ruin lives and relationships, even on Sesame Street. Now Ernie is basically a homeless bum forever begging with change with his rubber duckie in one hand and a bottle of booze in another.

So yes, alcohol can ruin lives and relationships, even on Sesame Street. Now Ernie is basically a homeless bum forever begging with change with his rubber duckie in one hand and a bottle of booze in another.

29. I give you Carrie Bear.

While the Care Bears are relatively nice and usually even tempered, Carrie Bear has telekinetic powers and will certainly make your life hell on earth if you make her snap. Let's just say that dumping red paint on her is a very bad idea, indeed.

While the Care Bears are relatively nice and usually even tempered, Carrie Bear has telekinetic powers and will certainly make your life hell on earth if you make her snap. Let’s just say that dumping red paint on her is a very bad idea, indeed.

30. Nothing embodies the holiday spirit at this time of year than the Pumpkin King, Jack Skellington.

Seems that people can't get enough of Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a masterpiece in animation. Still, you can't really hate Jack Skellington for wanting to do Christmas. Even if he does deliver presents of shrunken heads to children.

Seems that people can’t get enough of Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a masterpiece in animation. Still, you can’t really hate Jack Skellington for wanting to do Christmas. Even if he does deliver presents of shrunken heads to children.

31. Let’s just say being a cojoined sister is tough, especially when entering a convent wasn’t your idea.

Then again, even if one of them didn't want to enter the convent, could you imagine what would it be like if one of them got married?

Then again, even if one of them didn’t want to enter the convent, could you imagine what would it be like if one of them got married?

32. Travel to a whole new world with this crocheted Aladdin and Jasmine amigurumi dolls.

Now that's another movie I used to enjoy as a young girl. Of course, while Aladdin had Abu, Genie, and a magic carpet, Jasmine had her pet tiger Rajah and her senile sultan dad. Still, got to love her yarn hair.

Now that’s another movie I used to enjoy as a young girl. Of course, while Aladdin had Abu, Genie, and a magic carpet, Jasmine had her pet tiger Rajah and her senile sultan dad. Still, got to love her yarn hair.

33. Now these two dolls certainly love to shine and look their best.

Of course, while amigurumi figures are mostly knitted and crocheted, sometimes the clothes aren't as in this case. Still, they're both pretty cute and rather dressy.

Of course, while amigurumi figures are mostly knitted and crocheted, sometimes the clothes aren’t as in this case. Still, they’re both pretty cute and rather dressy.

34. How would you like to have a jar of pickles smiling at you every day in a jar?

Just stay in the brine, guys. Of course, one day you'll be taken out of the bridge to be chopped up and put on somebody's burger. So enjoy it while you can.

Just stay in the brine, guys. Of course, one day you’ll be taken out of the bridge to be chopped up and put on somebody’s burger. So enjoy it while you can.

35. Don’t look now but I think Count Dracula has come to suck your blood.

Let's just say while he may be a menacing vampire who can scare the bejesus out of people in the movies, he isn't nearly as much as a amigurumi. Actually, more cute than scary. Yet, still better than Edward Cullen, that's for sure.

Let’s just say while he may be a menacing vampire who can scare the bejesus out of people in the movies, he isn’t nearly as much as a amigurumi. Actually, more cute than scary. Yet, still better than Edward Cullen, that’s for sure.

36. Of course, isn’t this bejeweled girl dazzling?

Sure she may have a crocheted dress on but still, you'd have to admit she's quite cute in that outfit and hat. And she's certainly appropriate to give to a young girl for Christmas.

Sure she may have a crocheted dress on but still, you’d have to admit she’s quite cute in that outfit and hat. And she’s certainly appropriate to give to a young girl for Christmas.

37. Here’s Bob Ross painting his little mountain scene with his happy little trees.

Still, while I know it's Bob Ross, I kind of wish the person making this gave him more of an afro like he had in real life. Still, he did paint those lovely paintings like that on his show.

Still, while I know it’s Bob Ross, I kind of wish the person making this gave him more of an afro like he had in real life. Still, he did paint those lovely paintings like that on his show.

38. Don’t look now kids, but I think that’s the Goblin King with Toby in Labyrinth.

For people like me growing up in the 1990s, Jareth the Goblin King is probably the main reason of what we know David Bowie as. Still, whoever made this got his hair right on.

For people like me growing up in the 1990s, Jareth the Goblin King is probably the main reason of what we know David Bowie as. Still, whoever made this got his hair right on.

39. And now, may I present to you Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Let's just say, Johnny Depp has made a lot of money playing the captain of the Black Pearl. Still, I've seen a lot of crocheted figures of Jack Sparrow when compiling stuff for this post. This is the one I just liked the best.

Let’s just say, Johnny Depp has made a lot of money playing the captain of the Black Pearl. Still, I’ve seen a lot of crocheted figures of Jack Sparrow when compiling stuff for this post. This is the one I just liked the best.

40. For those who remember, this is a crocheted Pee Wee Herman from his Playhouse show.

For those who forget, Pee Wee Herman was this lovable kids show host from the 1980s who had Pee Wee's Playhouse. Sadly, his career faltered when he was caught with his pants down while watching porn in a theater. And I'm not making this up.

For those who forget, Pee Wee Herman was this lovable kids show host from the 1980s who had Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Sadly, his career faltered when he was caught with his pants down while watching porn in a theater. And I’m not making this up.

41. Check out these amigurumi dolls in the traditional Japanese style.

Of course, these are all Japanese women and girls in their little kimonos and all. Yet, by Japanese standards during the Heian period, these ladies are way underdressed.

Of course, these are all Japanese women and girls in their little kimonos and all. Yet, by Japanese standards during the Heian period, these ladies are way underdressed.

42. For those with green thumbs, perhaps you can give them this little garden gnome crocheted toy.

I don't know about you but this is way cuter than any real garden gnome I've ever seen. Looks like Santa Claus in a little smurf outfit.

I don’t know about you but this is way cuter than any real garden gnome I’ve ever seen. Looks like Santa Claus in a little smurf outfit.

43. I give you Gender Bender from Futurama.

Yes, this is Bender from Futurama in drag. And no, I don't think this one is for kids by any means, Still, pretty funny and I'm sure young man would love this.

Yes, this is Bender from Futurama in drag. And no, I don’t think this one is for kids by any means, Still, pretty funny and I’m sure young man would love this.

44. Behold, the Grim Reaper coming to take your soul away.

For an angel of death, I have to admit, he's pretty damn cute. Still, when he's played by Max Von Sydow, he's one hell of a chess player like in The Seventh Seal.

For an angel of death, I have to admit, he’s pretty damn cute. Still, when he’s played by Max Von Sydow, he’s one hell of a chess player like in The Seventh Seal.

45. Bring magic to your life with this little crocheted Harry Potter.

Of course, everyone would prefer that I put up a picture of some amigurumi Snape, Hagrid, or Dumbledore since everyone seems to like them better in addition to Ron and Hermione.

Of course, everyone would prefer that I put up a picture of some amigurumi Snape, Hagrid, or Dumbledore since everyone seems to like them better in addition to Ron and Hermione.

46. This piece is known as, “Horse Shoots Horse.”

Reminds me of something I'd see in that hilariously bad children's book Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs. Yeah, it's the one containing pictures of horses drinking booze and smoking cigarettes. It's basically the Reefer Madness to children's books.

Reminds me of something I’d see in that hilariously bad children’s book Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs. Yeah, it’s the one containing pictures of horses drinking booze and smoking cigarettes. It’s basically the Reefer Madness to children’s books.

47. Rejoice for the Lord Jesus has risen!

Sure I'm a Catholic Christian but I can't pass any stuff pertaining to Jesus for my blog posts. Still, he's very cute as a crocheted finger puppet you wouldn't want to put in a Passion play.

Sure I’m a Catholic Christian but I can’t pass any stuff pertaining to Jesus for my blog posts. Still, he’s very cute as a crocheted finger puppet you wouldn’t want to put in a Passion play.

48. Grace your home for the holidays with this lovely little crocheted nativity scene.

Now this is the perfect nativity scene for those who have small children running around the house. At least you don't have to worry about anything getting broken. Oh, and at least the kids could play with the figures.

Now this is the perfect nativity scene for those who have small children running around the house. At least you don’t have to worry about anything getting broken. Oh, and at least the kids could play with the figures. This one is taken from Matthew’s Gospel by the way.

49. Just a happy little sewing machine.

Of course, this is probably one of the few sewing machines in existence that was almost totally made by hand. Still, it's quite cute if you know what I mean.

Of course, this is probably one of the few sewing machines in existence that was almost totally made by hand. Still, it’s quite cute if you know what I mean.

50. Who knew that fast food could be so happy?

Now this is pretty cute, despite that these foods aren't really good for you in real life. Seriously, eat enough of them and you'll sure die from some cardiovascular disease.

Now this is pretty cute, despite that these foods aren’t really good for you in real life. Seriously, eat enough of them and you’ll sure die from some cardiovascular disease.

51. For a young girl, you might want to give her this crocheted doll of Tatiana from The Princess and the Frog.

Say what you want about Disney but I think The Princess and the Frog is a movie that's way better suited for young girls than the original Grimm story it's based on. At least the movie didn't have a moral that goes, "if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex," which the original story certainly did.

Say what you want about Disney but I think The Princess and the Frog is a movie that’s way better suited for young girls than the original Grimm story it’s based on. At least the movie didn’t have a moral that goes, “if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex,” which the original story certainly did.

52. May I present to you the ever imcomprable Ziggy Stardust.

Hard to believe this is my second David Bowie amigurumi I put on this post already. Yet, I'm sure anyone who's listened to "2001: A Space Oddity" would love it. I mean it's very cute.

Hard to believe this is my second David Bowie amigurumi I put on this post already. Yet, I’m sure anyone who’s listened to “2001: A Space Oddity” would love it. I mean it’s very cute.

53. For those opting for foreign cuisine how about some amigurumi take out?

Of course, whoever made this isn't from China or Japan. I mean they have little crocheted sushi bits with a Chinese take out box or a fortune cookie, which is actually an American invention if you know what I mean.

Of course, whoever made this isn’t from China or Japan. I mean they have little crocheted sushi bits with a Chinese take out box or a fortune cookie, which is actually an American invention if you know what I mean.

54. While good kids get presents from Santa Claus, really bad kids get kidnapped by the Krampus.

Now the Krampus isn't a Christmas tradition we have in the United States. But it is popular in certain areas of Europe. Still, this little girl doesn't seem very happy by any means.

Now the Krampus isn’t a Christmas tradition we have in the United States. But it is popular in certain areas of Europe. Still, this little girl doesn’t seem very happy by any means.

55. Now this group is perhaps among one of the best crocheted teams Marvel has ever assembled.

Hard to believe that the guy who played Thor has recently become the Sexiest Man Alive according to People Magazine. Of course, I'm sure the other guys in the Avengers would disagree about that in years to come.

Hard to believe that the guy who played Thor has recently become the Sexiest Man Alive according to People Magazine. Of course, I’m sure the other guys in the Avengers would disagree about that in years to come.

56. No holiday season would be complete without crocheted figures of Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Now don't these two make an adorable couple? I mean look at their matching outfits for God's sake.

Now don’t these two make an adorable couple? I mean look at their matching outfits for God’s sake. Still, nobody can’t love Santa besides possibly small children.

57. Watch these onigiri do make a snowflake star together.

Now I'm sure that onigiri are Japanese rice bowls combined with seaweed. Might also a be a vegetarian's equivalent to sushi but I'm not so sure about that. Still, you have to admire the cuteness in arrangement.

Now I’m sure that onigiri are Japanese rice bowls combined with seaweed. Might also a be a vegetarian’s equivalent to sushi but I’m not so sure about that. Still, you have to admire the cuteness in arrangement.

58. For you Audrey Hepburn fans, here’s a crocheted figure of her as Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Now though I like Audrey Hepburn, I'm not a fan of Breakfast at Tiffany's. Sure Audrey's pretty and her clothes are nice but it's just that it doesn't have much of a plot and that Mickey Rooney plays a very offensive Japanese stereotype.

Now though I like Audrey Hepburn, I’m not a fan of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Sure Audrey’s pretty and her clothes are nice but it’s just that it doesn’t have much of a plot and that Mickey Rooney plays a very offensive Japanese stereotype.

59. If you’re into Ancient Rome and its Empire, here’s an amigurumi of a Roman centurion.

Now I'm not sure whether I'd want to name him "Bickus Dickus" or "Nautius Maximus." Decisions, decisions.

Now I’m not sure whether I’d want to name him “Bickus Dickus” or “Nautius Maximus.” Decisions, decisions. Still, what have the Romans ever done for us?

60. Now this piece is called, “Santa Clawed” which combines two things I like: Christmas and Alfred Hitchcock.

Man, I'm sure as hell those doves aren't getting anything for Christmas this year. And I'm sure Santa really needs to see the ophthalmologist.

Man, I’m sure as hell those doves aren’t getting anything for Christmas this year. And I’m sure Santa really needs to see the ophthalmologist.

61. Now what little kid wouldn’t go crazy over this cute little penguin?

Yes, this little guy is certainly adorable with its rosy cheeks. I'm sure anyone would think it makes a nice gift for a child. I mean you just want to take this little penguin home, too. I understand.

Yes, this little guy is certainly adorable with its rosy cheeks. I’m sure anyone would think it makes a nice gift for a child. I mean you just want to take this little penguin home, too. I understand.

62. Finally, a puppy that would simply tug at your heartstrings.

Of course, a stuffed puppy is the only kind of dog you should give your kids for Christmas. Live puppies are a horrible idea and most of them get abandoned anyway.

Of course, a stuffed puppy is the only kind of dog you should give your kids for Christmas. Live puppies are a horrible idea and most of holiday pups get abandoned anyway.

63. Have a fiesta with these crocheted Mexican food items.

I love the little Mexican mustache on the taco figure. Oh, and I suppose that's a bottle of tequila behind that and the nachos in guacamole.

I love the little Mexican mustache on the taco figure. Oh, and I suppose that’s a bottle of tequila behind that and the nachos in guacamole.

64. I now give you the happy little guillotine.

This little blade seems quite happy chopping people's heads off with the  pull of a string. I'm not sure about the state of mind for the executioner though.

This little blade seems quite happy chopping people’s heads off with the pull of a string. I’m not sure about the state of mind for the executioner though.

65. Seems like that putty tat Sylvester finally caught Tweety if you know what I mean.

Looks like Tweety is going to meet a grisly end by being cooked in a boiling soup pot and served to Sylvester's dinner guests. It's a shame.

Looks like Tweety is going to meet a grisly end by being cooked in a boiling soup pot and served to Sylvester’s dinner guests. It’s a shame.

66. So you see, kids, unicorns do puke rainbows.

On one hand, this is rather disgusting. Yet, on the other hand, it's actually quite pretty. I mean how can we hate rainbows and unicorns? Seriously.

On one hand, this is rather disgusting. Yet, on the other hand, it’s actually quite pretty. I mean how can we hate rainbows and unicorns? Seriously.

67. Now this is how Walter and Jesse cook meth.

Both these guys come with their own removable suit and Walter has his hat. Also, when you take Walter's yellow suit off, he has no pants. Just his tidy whiteys.

Both these guys come with their own removable suit and Walter has his hat. Also, when you take Walter’s yellow suit off, he has no pants. Just his tidy whiteys.

68. Now this girl seems all dressed up and ready to play in the snow.

Since I love purple, I would certainly have wanted a little doll like this when I was a little girl. Still, she's just so cute with her dark yarn hair.

Since I love purple, I would certainly have wanted a little doll like this when I was a little girl. Still, she’s just so cute with her dark yarn hair.

69. Anyone want to build a snowman?

Now that's a cute snowman to put on your mantlepiece. Even better is that it doesn't come with a corn cob pipe.

Now that’s a cute snowman to put on your mantlepiece. Even better is that it doesn’t come with a corn cob pipe.

70. This little crocheted Indiana Jones goes globetrobbing for priceless artifacts.

I suppose that this little guy is also expert with a bull whip, hate snakes, destroys ancient buildings for trinkets, and is a really shitty professor.

I suppose that this little guy is also expert with a bull whip, hate snakes, destroys ancient buildings for trinkets, and is a really shitty professor.

71. Now these owl amigurumi figures are certainly worth hooting for.

Because not only are the incredibly adorable, they also come in a lot of different shapes, sizes, and colors. There's even a purple one.

Because not only are the incredibly adorable, they also come in a lot of different shapes, sizes, and colors. There’s even a purple one.

72. Seems like Raggedy Ann has gone off the deep end.

Either that, or this is the love child between Raggedy Ann and Freddy Kreuger. And I hope it's the latter because I don't want to see Raggedy Ann be someone who appeared to escape Arkham Asylum.

Either that, or this is the love child between Raggedy Ann and Freddy Kreuger. And I hope it’s the latter because I don’t want to see Raggedy Ann be someone who appeared to escape Arkham Asylum.

73. Of course, you can’t have an amigurumi post without including Japanese icon Hello Kitty.

I was going to put up a picture of Hello Kitty committing sepukku on this post. Yet, I decided against it for reasons I can't really disclose on this blog. Still, she's totally a cat but cute though.

I was going to put up a picture of Hello Kitty committing sepukku on this post. Yet, I decided against it for reasons I can’t really disclose on this blog. Still, she’s totally a cat but cute though.

74. Is is just me or is that the evil penguin from Wallace and Gromit?

I'm sorry Feathers McGraw but there's no way in hell that putting a rubber glove on your head could convince me that you're a chicken. I mean, you're not fooling anybody (save perhaps Wallace).

I’m sorry Feathers McGraw but there’s no way in hell that putting a rubber glove on your head could convince me that you’re a chicken. I mean, you’re not fooling anybody (save perhaps Wallace).

75. In Hawaii, you might be delighted to see this little girl in the grass skirt.

Of course, I'm sure this is probably the only thing made of wool a young girl in Hawaii would probably have considering the state's climate and all. Still, she's simply adorable beside the old style bus I believe.

Of course, I’m sure this is probably the only thing made of wool a young girl in Hawaii would probably have considering the state’s climate and all. Still, she’s simply adorable beside the old style bus I believe.

76. Check out this amigurumi of Mulan, from the Disney movie.

This is Mulan at the point of the movie before she started crossdressing and joining the army in her father's place. Still, please don't consider her a princess because she certainly isn't by any means.

This is Mulan at the point of the movie before she started crossdressing and joining the army in her father’s place. Still, please don’t consider her a princess because she certainly isn’t by any means.

77. Man, what ran over this possum really caused it to spew its guts out.

Actually, I've seen a lot of roadkill on my road during my walks. And let me tell you, I've seen a lot worse when it comes to dead possums. Besides, I don't consider possums cute by any means at all.

Actually, I’ve seen a lot of roadkill on my road during my walks. And let me tell you, I’ve seen a lot worse when it comes to dead possums. Besides, I don’t consider possums cute by any means at all.

78. Now I’m sure this little crocheted doll is a perfect prima ballerina.

Still, while I don't really get dancing and ballet at all, I have to admit this doll is so cute. Also, like how she reflects in the mirror. She seems so happy. Wait until she realizes that dancers don't have long careers, unless they perform at some seedy joint like the Filly Corral.

Still, while I don’t really get dancing and ballet at all, I have to admit this doll is so cute. Also, like how she reflects in the mirror. She seems so happy. Wait until she realizes that dancers don’t have long careers, unless they perform at some seedy joint like the Filly Corral.

79. Look at that cute little mermaid lounging on the beach.

Sure she's adorable and makes a great gift for a young girl. But whatever you do, don't put her near water. Seriously, you don't want to do that to stuffed toys.

Sure she’s adorable and makes a great gift for a young girl. But whatever you do, don’t put her near water. Seriously, you don’t want to do that to stuffed toys.

80. Now doesn’t this girl make a pretty little snowflake in her little snowflake dress?

Yes, she's a snowflake girl. And no, she's not Snow Queen's daughter to a Mexican bandito. At least I hope she's not. Still, she's really cute if you know what I mean.

Yes, she’s a snowflake girl. And no, she’s not Snow Queen’s daughter to a Mexican bandito. At least I hope she’s not. Still, she’s really cute if you know what I mean.

The Wonderful World of Bath Soaps

Bath House Soaps

As we all know, soap is a rather essential product in our every day living. After all, we use soap to clean ourselves with whenever we take a bath or shower. We also use it for dishes, our clothes, and our spaces. It also comes in forms like bars, salts, liquids. and powder detergent. Still, while most people view soap as a cleaning agent to wash things and people with, this doesn’t stop people from using it for creative artistic expression. Mostly they’d make their own soap designs as gifts, but sometimes you’d wonder. Still, what I’m about to show you are the many designs which people and companies have made and manufacture. So without further adieu, here are some uniquely designed soaps for your viewing pleasure. Of course, we’ll be seeing designs from bath soap, naturally.

1. Heard of soap on a rope? Well, here’s soap on a roll.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

2. A little butter on your toast, perhaps?

Okay, it's soap so I'm probably not going to eat that. Still, I can't tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

Okay, it’s soap so I’m probably not going to eat that. Still, I can’t tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

3. You’ve heard about growing a mustache. How about washing with one?

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can't eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can’t eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

4. Man, can’t believe you can have money in your soap.

It's going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I'm not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

It’s going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I’m not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

5. Smell like a tropical paradise with some coconut soap.

I don't know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious.

I don’t know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious unlike real coconut.

6. For a great gift for your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, how about a nice chocolate heart soap?

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it's soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it’s soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

7. Hey, would you want some fries with your Burger King order?

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won't taste in any way like French fries.

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won’t taste in any way like French fries.

8. And now, scrub yourself clean with soap kebabs.

Now while this is pretty creative, I'm sure it's now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody's eye out.

Now while this is pretty creative, I’m sure it’s now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody’s eye out.

9. How about some popcorn for the movie?

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

10. Jesus Christ came to this world to cleanse the world from sin as well as died on the cross for it. Now you can have Jesus on a rope cleanse your body, face, and naughty bits.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it's Jesus on a rope, I can't just pass this one up. Let's just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don't want to say anything inappropriate either.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it’s Jesus on a rope, I can’t just pass this one up. Let’s just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don’t want to say anything inappropriate either.

11. As 96.1 KISS FM always said, “It’s peanut butter jelly time.”

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn't want to eat this one since it may kill you.

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn’t want to eat this one since it may kill you.

12. Nothing cleans better than a bunch of disembodied baby hands.

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There's no way I'd want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There’s no way I’d want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

13. Love may stink but the soap shall set you clean.

Of course, you don't want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

Of course, you don’t want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

14. Sometimes the path to good hygiene is just a click away.

Still, I'm sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

Still, I’m sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

15. Of course, you can’t leave without grabbing a drumstick of soap, that is.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn't make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn’t make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you, except to a cannibal.

16. For the Jew in your life, may I suggest to you a matzo ball soap as a gift for Chanukah?

I don't think matzo balls are that big. Still, it's interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

I don’t think matzo balls are that big. Still, it’s interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

17. Now having a Tyrannosaurus Rex soap will make you cleaner than you’ve ever been since 65 million years ago.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

18. Summer is the time of frozen treats on a popsicle stick whether they have ice cream or not.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn't stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn’t stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

19. Looks like Fido needs a treat.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him. And now you know.

20. Of course, since everyone loves bacon, we just have to have bacon soap.

Of course, sometimes it's better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

Of course, sometimes it’s better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

21. Now here’s a soap of a Japanese sumo wrestler.

Please tell me he's wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it's really hard to tell due to the that he's so morbidly obese.

Please tell me he’s wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it’s really hard to tell due to the that he’s so morbidly obese like most sumo wrestlers.

22. For Valentine’s Day, try out these cute little candy soap hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine's Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine’s Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

23. Be up to your Easter Sunday best with these colored egg soaps.

It's clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won't become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

It’s clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won’t become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

24. My mama always said life is like a box of chocolate soaps because you never know what you’re going to get.

Couldn't resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don't have to worry what you're going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

Couldn’t resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don’t have to worry what you’re going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

25. Now there’s nothing better to scrub your hands than some hand soap on a rope.

Then again, when I mentioned "hand soap on a rope" this isn't really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you'd see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

Then again, when I mentioned “hand soap on a rope” this isn’t really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you’d see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

26. Now here’s some soaps of hot spicy peppers you’d put in Mexican food.

I'm sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I'm sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I'm certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

I’m sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I’m sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I’m certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

27. Now here’s the soap of a true wiener.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

28. Now these pig soaps may come straight out of Old McDonald’s farm.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won't be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won’t be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

29. If you or your kids love Legos, they’d love these soaps of Legos blocks.

Unlike real Legos, it won't hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

Unlike real Legos, it won’t hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

30. Now here’s some great soaps of water lilies.

Now I don't know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

Now I don’t know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

31. These skull and cross bones soaps would be a great gift for a pirate.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk's apartment.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk’s apartment.

32. For those who work at a nuclear facility, I’m sure this radioactive soap and sponge kit would make a great gift.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won't lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can't say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Ruffsdale KOA.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won’t lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can’t say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Madison KOA. Yes, I know there was a nuclear meltdown at Waltz Mill in the 1970s.

33. May shower time never be the same with these rainbow heart soaps.

Now I don't know about you but I can't see why anybody shouldn't love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t see why anybody shouldn’t love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

34. Now I’m sure these cupcake soaps are a real treat.

However, I must warn you don't ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they're still pretty cute.

However, I must warn you don’t ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they’re still pretty cute. Especially so with flowers, sprinkles, and cherries on top.

35. All right, leggo my soapy eggo if you dare.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I'm not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I’m not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap either.

36. For Ocktoberfest, clean yourself with these soaps of beer and pretzels.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I'm sure that the beer is soap though I don't know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I’m sure that the beer is soap though I don’t know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

37. Treat yourself to these sticky bun cinnamon roll soaps.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

38. Finally, chocolate cookie soaps.

Then again, I'd rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they're fresh out of the oven.

Then again, I’d rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they’re fresh out of the oven.

39. And now, the new Apple iPhone.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don't work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don’t work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

40. Bath time will never be the same again with this Nintendo Wii soap.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it's probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won't electrocute you in the tub.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it’s probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won’t electrocute you in the tub.

41. I give you Oreo cookie soaps.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don't use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don't want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don’t use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don’t want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

42. Here are some doughnut soaps with different colors of icing.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

43. Scrub your way into the shower with an old time Nintendo game controller.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

44. Of course, we always need to scrub our fingers.

Yet, I don't know if I'd be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

Yet, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

45. Well, let’s settle into some delicious pepperoni pizza.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it's not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it’s not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

46. For your Halloween Party, I’m sure stocking your bathroom with eyeball soaps may do.

Then again, I'm sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

Then again, I’m sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

47. Of course, I’m sure the NRA has their bathrooms stocked with these pistol soaps.

Still, I'm sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don't mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn't be pretty.

Still, I’m sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don’t mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn’t be pretty.

48. If you need to defend yourself, here’s a soap of brass knuckles.

Then again, I don't think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

Then again, I don’t think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

49. Look, it’s cheese soap. And man, there are a lot of different types.

I'm sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit's house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

I’m sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit’s house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

50. Have a steady supply of soap with this lovely sushi soap set.

This way you wouldn't just know how to keep clean, but you'd learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

This way you wouldn’t just know how to keep clean, but you’d learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

51. Add a little color to your bathroom with these crayon soaps.

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I'd really like a purple one. Still, great for kids

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I’d really like a purple one. Still, great for kids.

52. Now the first rule of Fight Club is that nobody talks about Fight Club.

If you've seen the movie, you'd know what this soap references. Still, let's just say I don't want to see that movie again.

If you’ve seen the movie, you’d know what this soap references. Still, let’s just say I don’t want to see that movie again.

53. Well, that looks like a tasty croissant roll.

Oh, wait, that's soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

Oh, wait, that’s soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

54. Rubber duckie, you’re the one. You make bath time so much fun. Rubber duckie, I’m totally fond of you.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn't a soap. Else, he'd be gone before Ernie would realize it.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn’t a soap. Else, he’d be gone before Ernie would realize it. Still, the tub thing is pretty cute.

55. Ain’t no soap bar like a gay bar.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don't buy this soap.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don’t buy this soap. Seriously, it might offend the LGBT community.

56. Now how about having to clean yourself with a piece of shit?

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

57. Rub your hands clean with this magic lantern soap.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won't cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won’t cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

58. Have a lovely piece of artwork in your bathroom such as a soap of the Venus de Milo.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won't be as pretty as this by the time you're done with it.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won’t be as pretty as this by the time you’re done with it. However we never knew where her arms went or what they looked like.

59. Scrub yourself clean with Michelangelo’s David.

Now while Charleton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it's almost as true to the real thing upon green.

Now while Charlton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it’s almost as true to the real thing upon green. Nevertheless, would make a great gift for Sister Wendy Becket, who has a thing for male nudes.

60. Make your bath time a masterpiece with Sandro Boticelli’s The Birth of Venus.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

61. If your girlfriend’s a fan of the 1997 James Cameron film, she’d love this soap rendition.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

62. As we have these candy mints after dinner, you might want to use these candy mints soaps before.

Now I'm sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you're dirty.

Now I’m sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you’re dirty.

63. Of course, this laptop soap would go great for any Silicon Valley bathroom.

Now I'm sure this soap computer won't work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

Now I’m sure this soap computer won’t work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

64. Now here’s a soap of a potato to grace your bathroom. Looks almost like the real thing doesn’t it?

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can't bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can’t bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

65. While we have Lego soaps, we also have Lego people soaps, too. And in many different colors.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I'm sure that real Lego people didn't come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I’m sure that real Lego people didn’t come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

66. For the holiday season, I’m sure Christmas light soaps would make your bathroom seem festive.

They may not light up, but at least you don't have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they're just bulbs if you know what I mean.

They may not light up, but at least you don’t have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they’re just bulbs if you know what I mean.

67. Smell fresh as a daisy by rubbing your body with these perfume bottle soaps.

Of course, these soaps won't just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

Of course, these soaps won’t just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

68. What better way to get yourself clean than with a soap resembling microbes on a petri dish.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that's the one all right.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that’s the one all right.

69. Perhaps you can smell like flowers with this lovely floral soap.

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

70. Well, there’s nothing like a cup of coffee in the morning.

And there's nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

And there’s nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

71. Perhaps we can have some soap eggs to go with that soap bacon.

Of course, you wouldn't want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they're on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

Of course, you wouldn’t want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they’re on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

72. I’m sure they won’t see it coming with this soap grenade.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won't make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won’t make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

73. Now check out this soap handgun in the bathroom.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Even more scary is that this one comes with its very own bullet. Please, don't ask me to wash with this in the shower.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Please, don’t ask me to wash with this in the shower. Still, there’s nothing cool about it.

74. Soapy, soapy, night. Paint your pallet blue and bright.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn't wash with this soap since it's so pretty.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn’t wash with this soap since it’s so pretty.

75. Of course, what Star Wars fan wouldn’t want a soap of Han Solo frozen in carbonite in their bathroom?

Of course, I've seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

76. How about a bacon cheeseburger with some pickles and fries?

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn't be good for you. Yet, I'm sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn’t be good for you. Yet, I’m sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

77. Look good with these tubes of lipstick soap.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean. And no, they don’t seem to come in many different colors.

78.These jigsaw puzzle piece soaps sure do go together.

Of course, there's a chance that all these pieces won't be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don't they have purple?

Of course, there’s a chance that all these pieces won’t be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don’t they have purple?

79. Wash your body with these beautiful soap bottles.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

80. Of course, these precious gemstone soaps sure do give off light like real ones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I'm sure that it's very obvious they're not gemstones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I’m sure that it’s very obvious they’re not gemstones.

Don’t Try This at Home Craft Projects

Crafts

Crafts have always been with us and will probably go on forever. Whether it’s from the kid made to do some project in art class or the adult with repressed creative impulses who wants to make money from Etsy, we’ve seen them all. Such arts could range from the DIY to sewing and knitting, upholstery, taxidermy, beading, jewelry making, or what not. After all, some people create stuff to use as gifts for others. Yet, while some craft projects might inspire love and adoration, others not so much. Still, while I could go on and on about the nice little craft ideas and such, you would find that boring. Instead, I’ll feature pictures of DIY craft projects that are so crazy and terrible that you’d wonder why anyone would buy them off Etsy. If not, then perhaps make you scratch your head as to why anyone would create such a craftastrophe in the first place. So without further adieu, here are some craft projects you might not want kids doing art class. By the way, this post may not be safe for work.

1. If you want to make baby’s first Thanksgiving memorable, perhaps you can put them in this cute little turkey costume.

Let's just say, when this baby grows up, he's going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.

Let’s just say, when this baby grows up, he’s going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.

2. Brave the elements with this knitted poncho headdress.

Now while I'm sure this poncho can keep you warm, I'm not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you'd see in a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.

Now while I’m sure this poncho can keep you warm, I’m not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you’d see at a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.

3. Behold, a style of sunglasses inspired by the flamboyant fashion sense of Lady Gaga and the 1340s Bubonic Plague doctor.

Yeah, I'm sure this sunglasses style plays less what you'd see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird's evil twin.

Yeah, I’m sure this sunglasses style plays less what you’d see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird’s evil twin.

4. Bundle up with this state of the art boob scarf.

Now I don't know this item's effectiveness against winter weather. However, I'm sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you're a guy.

Now I don’t know this item’s effectiveness against winter weather. However, I’m sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you’re a guy.

5. Ladies, walk on the street in style with these fancy slug brooches.

Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting.

Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting. More like collectibles for young boys.

6. Scrub yourself off after the big game with some Buffalo Wings and celery soap.

I'm sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?

I’m sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?

7. Give your sweetheart a reminder to practice safe sex with this lovely condom flower bouquet.

I'm sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine's Day. For God's sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you'd be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.

I’m sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine’s Day. For God’s sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you’d be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.

8. Now grace your house with this knitted pig being cut open on a platter.

I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.

I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.

9. Scrub yourself squeakly clean with these soap dentures.

Let's hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.

Let’s hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.

10. Add a little character to you lawn with this Duck Lady statue.

Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck's head. Well, that's just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.

Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck’s head. Well, that’s just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.

11. Protect yourself with this tampon gun and bullets.

I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they're also great for home security as well.

I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they’re also great for home security as well.

12. Now these soaps with razor blades make great gifts for the whole family.

I'm sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I'm sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.

I’m sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I’m sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.

13. Give your child a unicorn bike they will certainly treasure.

I'm sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it's all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.

I’m sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it’s all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.

14. For the upcoming movie 50 Shades of Grey, here’s Barbie as Anastasia Steele with her very own sex dungeon.

Then again, I hear there's a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o' nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.

Then again, I hear there’s a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o’ nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.

15. Please your man this Christmas with these homemade knitted men’s shorts.

Let's just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would've been a better idea.

Let’s just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would’ve been a better idea.

16. Got beer cans? Well, make a lovely flower display with them for your living room.

I'm sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this.

I’m sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this. I’m sure this is a remnant from Martha Stewart’s college years.

17. Be the life of the party with this Pabst can skirt.

Now if this girl's in college, it's very likely that her boyfriend's in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this.

Now if this girl’s in college, it’s very likely that her boyfriend’s in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this. Still, at least this skirt is bound to slice the crap out of a potential rapist.

18. Make these figurines by creating clay made from the lint in your clothes dryer.

Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that's about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.

Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that’s about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.

19. Step in style with these duck foot pumps to go with your duckface.

Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don't have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn't look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.

Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don’t have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn’t look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.

20. Keep your feet warm with these colorful knitted knee socks.

Now I can't decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who's high and smell like reefer, then it's probably the latter.

Now I can’t decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who’s high and smell like reefer, then it’s probably the latter.

21. May your DIY crown of thorns not only show your love for Jesus on Easter but also be used a a prop for your local Passion Play.

Now I'm sure there's nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it's best that you don't make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de' oerdurve tray. Else, the Lord will smite you.

Now I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it’s best that you don’t make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de’ oeuvres tray despite the tempting toothpicks. Else, the Lord will smite you. If not, then my grandma certainly will.

22. With this breakfast hat and purse, you will always have it to go.

I'm sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she'd want to show up at the office wearing them.

I’m sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she’d want to show up at the office wearing them, even in the 1980s.

23. Adorn yourself with these lovely earrings with toilet paper made of pearls.

I'm sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she's interviewing for a job with the sewage authority.

I’m sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she’s interviewing for a job with the sewage authority or waste management. Or perhaps dating someone from those fields.

24. No girl isn’t all dressed and ready to go unless she has her very own Louis Vuitton assault rifle.

While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It's just so fucked up.

While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It’s just so fucked up.

25. Have any child feel at home with this nice little coat rack of disembodied doll parts.

Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don't think I could say the same about any other kid's room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.

Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don’t think I could say the same about any other kid’s room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.

26. Light your rooms with these lovely handbag lamps with feet.

This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.

This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.

27. Of course, handbags also make a rather great decoration for lamps as well.

Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.

Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.

28. No woman’s look is complete without a pair of high heels made from deer hooves.

Now I'm sure PETA won't be happy with me posting this. Also, I'm sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.

Now I’m sure PETA won’t be happy with me posting this. Also, I’m sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.

29. This stack of pancakes doesn’t look too happy.

I mean you'd feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.

I mean you’d feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.

30. Now that is one fancy ring.

From Regretsy: "It’s called a 'cocktail ring' because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out." Yet, I'm not sure if it's also used as a top hat for parrots.

From Regretsy: “It’s called a ‘cocktail ring’ because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out.” Yet, I’m not sure if it’s also used as a top hat for parrots.

31. Reach for the sky with this Balloon poncho.

From Regretsy: "Kind of like, 'one-size-fits-most' and 'must have.' I'm not sure about 'elegant' and 'poncho,' but then, I haven't seen it in 'Blue Moose in the Woods.'" Also, since I'm way over say, six I'd be embarrassed to wear it.

From Regretsy: “Kind of like, ‘one-size-fits-most’ and ‘must have.’ I’m not sure about ‘elegant’ and ‘poncho,’ but then, I haven’t seen it in ‘Blue Moose in the Woods.'” Also, since I’m way over say, six I’d be embarrassed to wear it.

32. This Gumball Baby Doll is a perfect gift for anyone during all occasions.

Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it's giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it's as creepy as hell.

Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it’s giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it’s as creepy as hell.

33. Honor your home with this one of a kind, Groundhog Native American Shield.

Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?

Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?

34. Have a holly, jolly, hooftastic Christmas with this deer hoof ornament.

For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.

For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.

35. Enhance your beauty with this eye lash necklace made from real human hair.

Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it's fairly creepy. Also, how?

Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it’s fairly creepy. Also, how?

36. Every girl this Christmas wants an alien nut doll with hair extensions riding a pony.

From Regretsy:  "QUESTIONS 1. What am I looking at? 2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts? 2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert? 3. How much is shipping to Earth? 4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?"

From Regretsy:
“QUESTIONS
1. What am I looking at?
2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts?
2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert?
3. How much is shipping to Earth?
4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?”

37. I’m sure a rose hair decoration made from orange peel is a piece of beauty.

I don't know about you but I don't think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it's rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it’s rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.

38. Make a great presence with this ornate macreme mask.

Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I'm sure this mask will steal your soul. So don't look at it!

Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I’m sure this mask will steal your soul. So don’t look at it!

39. “*CIRCLES OF VERISIMILITUDE* represents numerous useful platters, clocks, and mirrors, all created from large metal container lids, 24 inches inches in diameter, and formed from collections of miscellaneous ‘stuff.'”

Well, I'm sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I'm sure if I'd want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.

Well, I’m sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I’m sure if I’d want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.

40. Now what young girl doesn’t want a pillow with Tinkerbell’s face on it?

Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn't aged very well. Also, I don't know about you, but I'm sure she's had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she's really gone downhill since Peter Pan.

Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn’t aged very well. Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure she’s had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she’s really gone downhill since Peter Pan.

41. “Victorian inspired turtle foot, with gold foil, brass wire, and bee detail. Antique green point-back rhinestones add extra sparkle, and the brass dangle gives a touch of whimsy.”

Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.

Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.

42. Light up the party with this one of a kind Yarn Monster Dress.

From Regretsy: "This might be the best 'Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress' costume I've seen this year."

From Regretsy: “This might be the best ‘Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress’ costume I’ve seen this year.”

43. Use your dad’s unwanted neckties to make your own sexy lingerie.

Seriously, these are thongs and they don't look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It's pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.

Seriously, these are thongs and they don’t look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It’s pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.

44. For those who want to keep their bong with their lighter, here’s a rainbow bong cozy.

Now unless you live in an area where pot's legalized, I'm sure you'll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.

Now unless you live in an area where pot’s legalized, I’m sure you’ll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.

45. Finally a doll house giving a tribute to the hit TV show Hoarders.

This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you'd give to a young girl.

This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you’d give to a young girl.

46. Finally, a little coat and hat set for a cute little chihuahua.

Man, Tinkerbell doesn't look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed.

Man, Tinkerbell doesn’t look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed off.

47. Now how about a nice diamond encrusted pennant with some vintage tin can?

Then again, I'm not sure if I'd want to wear a necklace with a tin that says "Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative" on it. Vintage or otherwise.

Then again, I’m not sure if I’d want to wear a necklace with a tin that says “Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative” on it. Vintage or otherwise.

48. Make a giant dream catcher by weaving neck ties and panty hose around a hula hoop.

Then again, I don't know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it's what a teacher of mine called a "gok" meaning "God Only Knows."

Then again, I don’t know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it’s what a teacher of mine called a “gok” meaning “God Only Knows.”

49. Take your mom’s tacky garden flamingos and turn them into dragons.

Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that's painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.

Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that’s painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.

50. I’m sure your cat would love this little mobile hat of the solar system.

I'm sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.

I’m sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.

51. If your cat loves to snuggle on your lap, why don’t you give them the next best thing?

This cat is probably thinking: "There's no way in God's green acres that I'm sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where's it's head?"

This cat is probably thinking: “There’s no way in God’s green acres that I’m sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where’s it’s head?”

52. For the first time ever, I bring you Potato Sack Couture.

Now I didn't know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.

Now I didn’t know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.

53. For those who want to relive key moments from The Wire, here are some miniature blocks of crack or what’s referred to as, “product.”

Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar's would sell off the charts.

Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar’s would sell off the charts.

54. And now a replica of Roary, mascot for the Detroit Lions.

Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.

Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.

55. Now nothing says cozy than a pair of bedroom slippers made from Maxi pads.

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that's where the sun don't shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that’s where the sun don’t shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?

56. And now a crocheted reenactment of The Exorcist.

Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let's just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don't want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don't.

Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let’s just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don’t want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don’t.

57. Finally, a nice soap for young girls.

For God's sake, what's with the "Face Soap, Not Balls Soap" disclaimer. I'm sure there's no man who'd want to scrub his testicles with a soap that's meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?

For God’s sake, what’s with the “Face Soap, Not Balls Soap” disclaimer. I’m sure there’s no man who’d want to scrub his testicles with a soap that’s meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?

58. Seems E. T. didn’t have a good time in Las Vegas.

And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I've seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.'s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.

And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I’ve seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.’s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.

59. Now even a young girl can have her very own Sasquatch baby doll to call her own.

Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I'm sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.

Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I’m sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.

60. Relive your experience in high school biology class with this dissected frog knit display.

Now I remember why I didn't want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that's beside the point.

Now I remember why I didn’t want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that’s beside the point.

61. Nothing makes an ocean home better than a mirror decorated from inedible crab legs.

Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.

Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.

62. Now this seems like a truly relaxing couch pillow.

If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would've looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would've been more colorful.

If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would’ve looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would’ve been more colorful.

63. And now, three new flavors of lip balm for men.

I don't know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven't brushed your teeth.

I don’t know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven’t brushed your teeth.

64. May I present to you a unique artistic rendition of a liver transplant.

Now I don't know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he's been drinking or not as well as a horrible president.

Now I don’t know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he’s been drinking or not as well as a horrible president. Also, I wonder if there’s one of a proctologist or someone getting a colonoscopy.

65. I’m sure these are salt and pepper shakers, honestly.

Still, knowing that the "P" can mean "pee" or "piss" while the "s" could pertain to "shit," let's just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.

Still, knowing that the “P” can mean “pee” or “piss” while the “s” could pertain to “shit,” let’s just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.

66. Adorn your living room with these giant pillows of rotten bananas.

I'm sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn't find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.

I’m sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn’t find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.

67. And now, a great fashion runway show featuring the Hamburger Monster Yarn Dress.

I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.

I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.

68. I now introduce you to Chewbacca, master of seduction.

Now let's say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.

Now let’s say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.

69. In the NSA even the coffeemakers are spies.

Don't look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.

Don’t look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.

70. Grace your living room with this lovely coffin couch.

I'm sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula's Transylvania Castle. I'm sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.

I’m sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula’s Transylvania Castle. I’m sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.

71. During Halloween, perhaps you can dispense little pumpkin soaps to trick or treaters.

I'm sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren't real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.

I’m sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren’t real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.

72. Finally, a nice hand crocheted cozy for your vibrator.

Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven't heard that before. Still, why?

Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven’t heard that before. Still, why make a cozy for a sex toy? Why?

73. Get in the fall spirit wit this turkey feather headdress.

Looks more like something I'd see on my next door neighbor's living room wall than something I'd actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would've been shot by my neighbors' anyway.

Looks more like something I’d see on my next door neighbor’s living room wall than something I’d actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would’ve been shot by my neighbors’ anyway.

74. Now I’m sure this is a great Thanksgiving outfit for a toddler girl.

Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it's incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there's no way in hell I'd have her wear that. That would be too cruel.

Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it’s incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there’s no way in hell I’d have her wear that. That would be too cruel.

75. While adults have pumpkin spice lattes, it’s only natural for kids to have pumpkin spice Play Dough.

Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.

Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.

76. To decorate your living room for Thanksgiving, here’s a painting of a dysfunctional family dinner.

Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you're thankful for having a family that's not like them.

Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you’re thankful for having a family that’s not like them. I mean these people seem very screwed up with several members being alcoholics.

77. For Thanksgiving, why don’t you eat pretzels with these turkey pretzel holders.

Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I'm sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.

Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I’m sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.

78. Greet the new year with this stunning New Year’s Eve dress.

You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.

You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.

79. To get in the Christmas spirit, I give you the coal angel.

Of course, this coal angel doesn't seem too happy here. Then again, I'm sure there aren't many kids who'd want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.

Of course, this coal angel doesn’t seem too happy here. Then again, I’m sure there aren’t many kids who’d want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.

80. Grace your office with this lovely glass paper weight of Swedish ice.

I don't know about you, but this doesn't seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.

I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.