Money Is Not Speech: Why We Must Get Rid of Citizens United

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 8, 2015

As it’s become apparent that the 2016 US presidential election campaigns are in full swing, I would like to devote a post to the issue of campaign finance. As 2016 draws upon us, we should expect to see more political ads in the media featuring candidates asking us to cast their votes. Now discussing campaign campaign finance may not be as interesting as other issues the media and the populace like to talk about. But in our day in age, it’s apparent that money has a profound influence in political policy in the United States. Wait a minute, money has a profound influence in pretty much everything. It’s just money has a higher influence in politics than most walks of life. While political candidates may act like prima donnas now and then, we need to note that it’s through elections that we choose our government leaders. Whoever’s in government usually shapes social policy. And social policies affect our lives in more ways that we’d like to admit. So yes, money does play a crucial role in politics, especially when it pertains to who’s giving it.

Yes, elections are decided by voters. But if you want to run for office, you will need to promote yourself and convince voters to go for you. That costs money. So this is where campaign financing, fundraising, and donations come in.

But aren’t elections decided by votes? Absolutely. And doesn’t everyone have only one vote? Sure. However, if you want to run for elected office, you need to promote yourself as a candidate in your constituency. To do that, you need to tell voters who you are and why they should choose you some time before the election actually takes place. In our mass media culture, it’s best you start early. Now candidates promote themselves in a variety of different ways like personal appearances, endorsements, and advertising through signs, mailings, social media, newspapers, radio, television, the works. All that costs money. So how will get it? From anyone willing to give it to you which is the reason why candidates hold fundraisers as well as have mass mailings to solicit donations.

This chart shows who received the most campaign funds in the 2010 midterm elections. Since donors tend to have some relationship with elected officials, it’s no surprise that most donations go to incumbents. And it’s no wonder that incumbents usually win. Even in Congress which has a 90% reelection rate.

However, although every US voter is equal in electoral value, they are not all equal financially nor as willing to give money to a political candidate. In fact, more than 90% voters don’t since well, they either can’t afford to or don’t have much interest to. Giving money to a political candidate isn’t like giving to a church, charity, PBS station, non-profit, college, or cultural establishment. You aren’t giving money because you have an affinity for it or want to do something good. No, people give money to political candidates because they want them to win so they can put forth social policy that they want. Still, even among those who contribute to political campaigns, most will contribute no more than $200, while some will donate hundreds or thousands. If you’re a political candidate, chances are you’re going to actively seek political donations from the entities who contribute the most campaign cash. In 2010, small donors only contributed to 13% to congressional candidate funds (which doesn’t include PACs that make up 23%). Large donors contributed to 48% of campaign donations. But here’s the thing, most big money donors won’t just hand you a large chunk of cash right off the bat. No, for before they give you the money, they want to know where you stand on the issues and what you’d be willing to do for their interests. And you’ll have to curry to their good graces by promising them that you will do everything you can to please them once elected. If you think it’s a form of bribery, you’re probably right. Yet, as far as I know it’s perfectly legal. Nevertheless, the more big money donations you have, the more you can spend on campaign advertising. And the more you can spend on advertising, the more likely people will vote for you. So everything’s fine, right?

Here’s an infographic on the 2012 presidential election between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney showing where the money came from in their campaigns. However, while Romney managed to raise more money, Obama still won reelection.

Well, not really. While government officials are elected to represent the people and fulfill campaign promises, we all know all too well that it’s not exactly the case. Yes, candidates make promises on the trail to get them to vote for you. But that doesn’t mean all will be fulfilled, given the realities of the political landscape. But since these rich donors give money to these candidates, then they believe in the issues they stand for, right? Actually it depends on the contributor. Sure there are donors who do contribute money to those who share their views or party affiliation. But there are plenty of other donors who just want to gain political influence and will contribute to any candidates regardless of party or issue stance (even in the same race). All they care about is having friendly access the candidate so they could support measures they want, even if their wishes contradict the campaign promises and party platform. They may even contribute money because you oppose their interests and just want you to keep quiet. Hell, they don’t care if their wishes works against the candidate’s conscience or their constituents. And sometimes not even the laws. Of course, while this may put some politicians in a dilemma, many tend to follow the wishes of these big contributors to keep their cash flowing. After all, they need the money for reelection and don’t want the other guy to have more influence and capital than them. But do these political money deals benefit the American people?

During the 2010 elections, the biggest sources of campaign funds came from large individual donations consisting of 48%. Small donations from individuals only consisted of 13% of funds. PACs contributed 23%.

Actually no. The fact that politicians are more likely to listen to large donors than their constituents suggests that there’s something very wrong in our political system. Yes, people elect their government officials but since they depend on campaign contributions to promote themselves, they usually tend to side with their backers who tend to have their very own lobbyists. After all, most incumbents usually get reelected so those voters aren’t going anywhere. Besides, the biggest incumbent supporters are usually long term donors they’ve had a relationship with every election year. To them, giving is a way of life and a cost of doing business all for the sake of having access to a politician, which leads to more power and influence on policy. But some of these donors can be fickle and might shift their money to the politicians in the majority party whenever the balance of power changes. And it doesn’t help that the fundraising never stops since an successful US Congressional campaign costs $1.4 million on average. But US Congressmen are elected every 2 years so it’s a rather short time window. And US Senate campaigns cost more than 6 times as much. But as money becomes more important in politics, the politicians seem more like a lackey to their rich overlords than the constituents who they’re supposed to represent. This leads to most of the American people having a considerable less political influence in politics, less access to lawmakers, and less of a chance of having their interests heard. More often than not, they become nothing but mere pawns who tend to cast their vote against candidates who may not represent their best interests for various reasons. But it’s mostly because they either know the guy, party line, or that they have no other choice. Thus, as big donors tend to have more access to politicians, American citizens lose out.

While the Federal Election Commission is supposed to oversee campaign regulations, it was designed as an ineffective organization from day one. The fact our system can’t create agencies without congressional approval kind of explains why. Because Congressman have to be elected.

But don’t they have rules and regulations on campaign finance? We have a Federal Election Commission (FEC) that’s supposed to enforce and oversee campaign finance laws, it’s notoriously ineffective. However, as an organization that’s supposed to monitor lawmaker behavior, it’s no surprise that it was designed this way even if it was created in response to Watergate. And being the elected politicians they were, lawmakers made sure that the campaign watchdog would have a very tight leash and interfere as little in their campaigns as possible. I mean they set the FEC up as a 6 member body so no ruling can go into effect without a 4 vote majority. This is often impossible since the FEC is evenly split with 3 Republican as well as 3 Democratic commissioners, each nominated by their respective parties. Tie votes are often commonplace on some of the most important campaign finance issues which make the system riddled with loopholes. Because of this, the agency often takes years to resolve complaints and political operatives have learned that they can live on the edge of the law with little fear or interference from the FEC. And judging by the political culture these days, I’m sure the people behind the FEC knew what they were doing.

In 2010, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of Citizens United which stated since money is speech, then corporations and unions should contribute as much as they want to political campaigns. Unfortunately, not everyone has money and such notions basically keep many Americans from having a political voice. And it’s apparent that most Americans don’t like it.

Still, despite it’s reputation, the FEC is quite effective with improving disclosure for campaign contributions for the most part. But even this has its limitations. And then there’s the matter with the Citizens United Supreme Court case in 2010, which did away with many campaign finance laws already on the books as well as opened up unlimited spending by corporations, unions, and other independent groups. This led to the 2010 elections seeing an unprecedented flood of outside money flowing into congressional races all over the country. Tens of millions of dollars came from secret donors whose identities will never be known. Much of this campaign spending goes to funding political advertisements to elect (or defeat) candidates running for office. However, the money in question can only be used for independent expenditures (not direct contributions to the candidates’ campaigns). And whatever ads are produced can’t be coordinated with the candidates. Of course, it’s no small stretch to say that such measures aren’t always enforced. Thus, rich donors didn’t particularly give a shit since they want to contribute as much money as they want with little or no consequence. However, they didn’t win when it came to disclosing political contributions on account that their right to privacy isn’t as important as the public’s right to know who’s funding who if amount is over $200. The Supreme Court has also said that disclosing campaign contributions is the best way to guard against political corruption. Of course, this brings me to the outside political organizations created to raise campaign funds for elections:

This is the logo for a realtors’ political action committee or PAC. It’s supposed to pool contributions from members to contribute to political purposes. According to federal law, an organization becomes a PAC when it receives or spends more than $2,600.

PAC (political action committee)- an organization designed to specifically pool campaign contributions from members to donate for political purposes whether it’s to campaigns for or against a candidates, ballot initiatives, or legislation. According to the Federal Election Campaign Act (FECA), at the US federal level, an organization becomes a PAC when it receives or spends more than $2,600 for the purpose of influencing a federal election. As for state level, the money pertaining to state elections in PAC designation varies. There are many types depending on political purposes and how each one spends their money. Still, you’d see at least one in almost every type of political advocacy organization you could think of. However, PACs have to follow certain criteria which includes:

Though corporations and labor unions may sponsor a PAC as well as provide financial support through administration and fundraising, they can’t contribute through their own treasuries.
Union-affiliated PACs may only solicit contributions from members.
Independent PACs may solicit contributions from the general public and must pay their own costs from those funds.
Federal multi-candidate PACs may contribute to candidates as follows:

$5,000 to a candidate committee for each election (primary and general elections count as separate elections)
$15,000 to a political party per year
$5,000 to another PAC per year
PACs may makes unlimited expenditures independently of a candidate or political party

The types of PACs consist of the following:

This is the United Steelworkers PAC which is an example of a connected PAC. These are sponsored by corporations and unions. These can only raise money from a “restricted class” of donors though the entities can pay for the administrative costs and fundraisers. For instance since the United Steelworkers is a union, it can only receive money from its own members.

Connected PACs- designated as “separate segregated fund” (SSF), these are sponsored by labor unions and corporations. These PACs may only raise money from a “restricted class” generally consisting of managers and shareholders for corporations and members for unions and other interest groups. Sponsor may not contribute to the PAC directly but can absorb costs of administrative operations and soliciting contributions. As of 2009, there were 1,598 registered corporate PACs, 272 related to labor unions, and 995 to trade organizations.

This Free Enterprise PAC from Idaho is an example of a non-connected PAC, used by politicians, parties, and ideology groups. Unlike connected PACs, they must pay their administrative expenses through donations but may accept funds by anybody. It’s one of the fastest growing categories in campaign finance.

Non-Connected PACs- basically financially independent PACs that must pay for its own administrative expenses with contributions it raises. May be financially supported by an organization but such expenditures are considered PAC money which are subject to the dollar limits and other requirements of FECA. May accept funds from any individual, connected PAC, or organization. Used by members of Congress, political leaders, ideology, and single-issue groups. As of 2009, there were 1,594 registered, the fastest growing category.

Now this is CAPAC which is a PAC for Asian and Pacific Islander Americans in Congress. This is an example of a leadership PAC sponsored by political parties and elected officials. Now these can’t be used to fund an official’s own campaign but they can fund other expenses.

Leadership PACs- non-connected PACs sponsored by elected officials and political parties with independent expenditures, which isn’t limited (as long as it isn’t coordinated with the other candidate). Nor can they be used to support the official’s own campaign. Set up since elected officials and political parties can’t give more than the federal limit directly to candidates. Can fund travel, administrative expenses, consultants, polling, and other non-campaign expenses. Used by dominant parties to capture seats from other parties. Between 2008 to 2009, these have raised more than $47 million.

Of course, this is Stephen Colbert’s Super PAC, which started appearing after the Citizens United ruling. Now these may not contribute or coordinate directly to candidates or campaigns. But there is no legal limit on contributions it can receive. As of August 2012, these have raised over $349 million with 60% from just 100 donors.

Super PACs- Citizens United gave rise to this new kind of PAC designated as “independent-expenditure only committees,” because they may not make contributions to campaigns or parties directly but can generate any political spending independently of the campaigns. Unlike other PACs, there is no legal limit on funds they can raise from individuals, corporations, unions and other groups, provided they are operated correctly. As of August 2012, 797 of these have raised $349 million, with 60% of that money coming from just 100 donors, according to the Center of Responsive Politics. Also, Stephen Colbert started his own Super PAC for his show to inform his viewers how it’s done (but he donated all the money he raised to charity).

Aside from the PACs, there are some other organizations and entities also known to raise money for political campaigns as I list below:

Crossroads GPS is one of many 501(c)(4)s that have appeared after the Citizens United ruling. Considered “social welfare” organizations under the IRS, they can only use 49.9% of their contributions for political purposes. Can accept unlimited contributions as well as aren’t required to disclose their donors. In 2012, Crossroads GPS and Americans for Prosperity raised more money into the presidential campaigns than all of the Super PACs combined.

501(c)(4) Organizations- defined by the IRS as “social welfare” non-profit and tax-exempt organizations but may also participate in political campaigns and elections. That is, as long as its “primary purpose” it promoting social welfare and not political advocacy (50.1% of their spending efforts much go to “social welfare” activities or “promoting in some way the common good and general welfare of the people of the community.”) Like Super PACs they can accept unlimited amounts of money from corporations, unions, or other interest groups. However, they are not required to disclose spending on their political activity or information on their donors unless they give for the express purpose of political advocacy. Traditionally these have been civic leagues promoting social welfare or local associations of employees with limited memberships to a designated company or a municipality or neighborhood. And often these net earnings went exclusively to charitable, educational, or recreational purposes. Groups like Planned Parenthood, the National Rifle Association, the NAACP, the National Organization for Marriage, the Sierra Club, and the League of Conservation Voters have been active in lobbying and have long held 501(c)(4) status before 2010. Citizens United has seen a dramatic rise of these organizations that contributed to a sharp increase in outside campaign spending from undisclosed sources from a bit more than 1% ($700,000) in 2006 to 44% ($1.27 million) in 2010. In 2012, that number was more than $308 million. And as far as we know much of this anonymous donor money went to Republican organizations and candidates since it helped topple the Democrats in Congress that year. And as of August 2012, two of the biggest 501(c)(4) organizations (Crossroads GPS and Americans for Prosperity) put more money into the presidential campaign than all the Super PACs combined, according to Pro Publica. However, these two groups were much less successful in that year’s presidential election (because Obama still won). Along with Super PACs, it’s also said that these organizations tend to coordinate among themselves and each other. Nevertheless, almost every advocacy organization has one. Also, Stephen Colbert talked about these on his show as well.

MoveOn.org is a famous example of a 527 organization. These are tax-exempt and not regulated under federal and state election laws. Mostly because they don’t “expressly advise” whether to elect or defeat a candidate or party (officially). Can receive unlimited donations from anyone and there are no limits. However, they are required to file with the IRS and report independent expenditures.

527 Organizations- tax-exempt organizations which aren’t regulated under state and federal campaign finance laws because they do not “expressly advocate” the election or defeat of a particular candidate or party. When operated within the law, there are no limits on contributions to these groups or restrictions on who may contribute. Nor are they subject to spending limits either. However, they must register with the IRS, disclose their donors, and file periodic reports of contributions and expenditures.

Political Parties- while they may do more than just raise campaign cash, national and state party committees may contribute funds directly to candidates and make additional “coordinated expenditures” for their nominees in general elections. But these are subject to FECA limits. However, national party committees may make unlimited “independent expenditures” to support or oppose federal candidates. Nevertheless, since 2002, national party committees have been prohibited from accepting any funds outside FECA limits.

Here’s an infographic on the bundler contributions in the presidential elections. These are individuals who raise money from other contributions and present the sum to the campaign. However, while disclosing them isn’t required, they are likely to be appointed to posts in presidential administrations.

Bundlers- actually these are individuals who can gather contributions from many individuals in an organization or community and present that sum to the campaign. They’re often recognized with honorary titles and sometimes exclusive events featuring the candidate. It has evolved into a more structured form in the 2000s and we know that all high profile candidates use them. However, there’s currently no law requiring disclosure of campaign bundlers as long as they’re not active, federally registered lobbyists. Nevertheless, the amount raised by bundlers has grown significantly with each election year with average contributions to winning presidential candidates reaching $186.5 million in 2012. We should also note that bundlers are more likely to be appointed to administration posts. In the Obama administration, it’s apparent that 80% of those collecting over $500,000 took key administration posts. George W. Bush appointed about 200 bundlers to posts in his administration.

I know writing about this campaign finance stuff might seem boring and meaningless to you in our political process. But it’s not. In fact, knowing about such organizations can explain how campaign donations for elections shapes the political landscape. Besides, noting how campaign finance works tends to explain a lot about what’s going on in this country. The rise in political activity pertaining to 501(c)(4)s was what led to the IRS scandal in 2013 as employees tried to create ways to weed out organizations that applied for 501(c)(4) status for being overly political. Their methods might not have been specifically appropriate but you really couldn’t blame the IRS for suspecting certain applicants of being overly political, particularly if they support conservative or Tea Party policies. This is especially the case if the recent 501(c)(4)s like Karl Rove’s Crossroads GPS and the Koch Brothers’ Americans Prosperity which many people seem to believe as having little to do with promoting the social welfare whatsoever. Following the money in Washington also explains other recent events as well. Powerful healthcare lobbies help explain why it was so difficult for Democrats to pass the Affordable Care Act despite a Democratic presidential administration and significant control of both congressional houses. The significant influence of the Koch Brothers and industry on Washington help explain the pervasive influence of climate change denial among Republican politicians and why so many polluters shift clean up costs to taxpayers during environmental disasters. And the NRA’s influence helps explain why no gun control legislation has ever been passed in either congressional house, despite the prevalence of mass shootings in recent years.

Open Secrets.org has this diagram of how much campaign cash each sector contributes between 1990-2010. The fact the financial sector contributes the most money offers a great explanation why almost no one involved in the Wall Street collapse in 2008 was prosecuted.

But what the nature of campaign finance really helps explain is the relationship between Washington and Wall Street. The fact that the financial sector tends to be the largest contributor to federal office candidates and parties explains why the federal government has been so reluctant to prosecute Wall Street after the 2008 recession. It helps explain why many Republicans have vociferously opposed raising taxes and instilling regulation but supported bailouts. Yet, the financial sector also contributes money to Democrats which doesn’t make passing financial reform on Capitol Hill any easier. Just so you know, the financial sector contributed $468.8 million to federal campaigns and candidates in 2008 alone (80% more than in 2006) and has spent more on K Street lobbying than any other sector. As of 2014, the financial sector has spent nearly $500 on lobbying as well reports 855 clients and 2,358 lobbyists. Thus, it’s a very powerful influence in Washington as well as a very corrupting one. Wall Street’s dubious practices basically led to an economic collapse and recession in 2008 as well as put so many people in financial ruin, possibly for the rest of their lives. But because of the financial sector’s hold on Washington, the federal government walks a fine line between its obligation to the general public and the desires of powerful backers many of them committed actions that should’ve put them in jail.

This is an infographic from the Center for Media and Democracy explaining how ALEC works. Now it calls itself a nonprofit and nonpartisan organization. However, it’s really a business friendly conservative bill mill. Let’s just say, even if you disagree with my politics, this is a very powerful lobby whose activities should concern you.

Still, while this post appears to focus on the nature of campaign finance in Washington, the corrupting influence of the political money culture doesn’t just affect the federal government alone. State governments have their officials supported by the same kind individuals and organizations with the same agendas and in very much the same way. Of course, what’s different at the state level is voters can elect more people to office like high court justices and cabinet positions. However, there’s a special nonprofit organization founded in the 1970s called the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) consisting of state legislators and private sector representatives. Now according to ProPublica, ALEC is said to produce model legislation that is heavily influenced by big business and industry as well as “works to advance the fundamental principles of free-market enterprise, limited government, and federalism at the state level through a nonpartisan public-private partnership of America’s state legislators, members of the private sector and the general public.” Each year almost 1,000 bills based on ALEC’s “model” legislation are introduced in state houses across the country of which about 200 become law. Now these ALEC sponsored bills advocate a wide range of measures like reducing corporate regulation and taxation, combating illegal immigration, loosening environmental regulations, preventing Medicaid expansions and other state-related Obamacare policies, reducing pensions for public employees, retaining the minimum wage, privatizing prisons as well as enacting harsh sentencing laws, deregulating the telecom industry, privatizing public education, tightening voter identification rules, weakening labor unions, and promoting gun rights. It also acts as a networking tool among Republican state legislators, allowing them to research conservative policies implemented in other states. Not to mention, it’s funded almost exclusively by big business.As of 2013, ALEC’s membership consists of 1,810 state legislators representing nearly a quarter of legislative seats in the US as well as 300 corporate, foundation, and private-sector members.

Now this is a rough diagram explaining how ALEC works and its appeal among corporations and politicians. Now ALEC helps give each entity what they want on an expense paid vacations and parties. Corporations get legislation tailored to their interests and access to politicians. And politicians gain access to campaign funds and private sector jobs.

Now it’s very simple to explain why politicians and private entities would want to join this organization if you know a anything about campaign finance. ALEC allows state legislators to be acquainted with potential campaign backers while it helps corporations gain access to and form long term relationships with politicians.They also hold meetings on all expense paid trips in cities across the country that are said to resemble vacations (sometimes funded by taxpayer money by the way). Another way to explain its appeal was how it helps draft model bills through task forces during their meetings. Public and private sector members make up each of their task forces with the later typically being corporate or think tank representatives (who have veto power over drafted model bills). These task forces generate model bills that members can customize an introduce for debate in their own state houses after being approved by their board of directors who comprise of all legislators. In your 2016 Republican lineup, ALEC-related contributions have gone to Marco Rubio, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, Lindsey Graham, Rick Perry, and Scott Walker as well as held some considerable influence in Chris Christie’s gubernatorial administration in New Jersey. Nevertheless, it’s a hugely influential lobbying organization in the states which it has always denied to keep its tax-exempt status. Yet, what it does can be seen by most Americans as nothing but the very definition of lobbying. But media scrutiny has grown after being publicized by liberal groups and news outlets like The New York Times and Bloomberg Businessweek since 2011 and for a good reason.

As a conservative bill mill, ALEC produces model bills through the collaboration between state legislators, right wing special interests, and corporations. So far, it’s apparent that ALEC’s model bills have done absolutely nothing to benefit the public. In fact, they’ve impacted a considerable degree of harm.

However, while I might pick on ALEC for supporting measures I think hurt this country, I think all Americans should be very concerned about this organization regardless of their politics. Because if their politics doesn’t trouble you, its conduct should since this conservative bill mill is well known for its lack of transparency. Since the 2000s many news organizations have found that ALEC hasn’t been friendly to reporters much and usually doesn’t grant interviews. They may open policy seminars to reporters and other nonmembers but they will receive public conference agendas that don’t include names of presenters, the lists of legislative and private-sector board chairs, or the meetings’ corporate sponsors. Task-force meetings and bill-drafting sessions are held behind closed doors mostly taking place at high end hotels in American cities, which resulted in reporters being turned away. ALEC doesn’t disclose membership lists or the origins of its model bills. Instead lawmakers generally propose ALEC-drafted bills without disclosing authorship as an newspaper found out in 2012 after analyzing 100 bills proposed by the Christie administration in New Jersey.

Besides being a conservative bill mill producing “model legislation” for state lawmakers to pass into law, ALEC’s reputation for lack of transparency should also concern you. Such activities are undemocratic as well as possibly unconstitutional. Sure ALEC may give corporations a voice and a vote, but it also goes to great lengths to deny a say to anyone who potentially disagrees with them. All it cares about is promoting its own agenda.

Now it’s one thing for businesses to lobby for business friendly legislation drafted in the state house committee. But a lobbying organization drafting model bills behind closed doors for lawmakers to introduce and adopt them without disclosure seems like a violation of the democratic process, if not then the US Constitution. In fact, I’m not sure if the idea of a political organization drafting a model bill in secrecy is even legal or ethical, especially if it promotes legislation benefiting big business at the public expense. It also excludes not just Democratic legislators but also the American people from having a say in drafting legislation, which ALEC puts in highly partisan politicians and private sector hands. And in many ways, I see ALEC’s methods of secrecy as as a way for corporations and politicians to put their legislative ideas forward and avoid public scrutiny by opposing forces like liberals, the media, or the American public. But while public scrutiny can be annoying and disruptive, it’s an essential component in our democracy which should never by taken away even by some private and right-wing lobbying organization. While ALEC claims that their organization is supposed to give corporations a voice and a vote, they also want to make sure to deny a voice to anyone who potentially disagrees with them. It also shows that this organization only cares about enacting its own agenda and would do so through any means necessary. It doesn’t care whether its proposed legislation works at the public interest’s expense to enhance corporate profits. Not only that, but this organization has existed for over 40 years and prior to 2011, almost nobody knew it existed outside its membership until investigative reporters blew the whistle on it. And as of 2015, there are still people who’ve never heard of this organization. Now people have talked about certain shadow government organizations as the stuff of conspiracy theories such as the Illuminati. But ALEC is a real organization that functions exactly like one that reflects the relationship between money and politics at its worst. However, thanks to investigative reporting exposing the organization, ALEC has become a toxic brand as well as experienced an exodus of politicians and corporations.

In recent years, the influence of money in politics has made elections much more expensive. This chart shows the increase shows the rising costs of beating an incumbent in Congress. Really disturbing, I know.

Now I understand that American campaigns will always be tied to money and special interests to a certain extent even if I may not always like it. However, we need to understand that corporations are not people and money isn’t speech. Nor should political access and influence be a pay to play field. Yes, money buys influence and influence buys votes. But sometimes political money games prevent a substantial number of citizens from having a political voice in their governments all because they don’t contribute thousands of dollars to their representatives. And I mean at the state and federal level. Sure I know that liberals aren’t above these political shenanigans either as I’m well aware of it. But we have to understand that most big money contributors are more likely to support Republican policies, especially since most campaign donations come from big business. And since 2010, those who’ve benefited from Citizens United and its impact have been Republican politicians. Besides, as far as I know, the Democratic Party doesn’t have its own shadow government organization generating model bills for them. Or at least one as powerful or influential as ALEC. Thus, my focus on contributions and lobbies in Republican campaigns is based on more than my liberal political biases here. But the growing influence of money in politics hasn’t been good to our democracy its created a system where incumbents almost always win, the races are not even competitive, politicians are at the mercy of big donors and their lobbyists, and a significant chunk of Americans feeling like they don’t matter in the political system.

Since incumbents usually have more connections to donors and name recognition, this makes it difficult for anyone to challenge them. This chart shows how most 2010 congressional races usually have one candidate outspending their opponents more than 10 to 1.

Now I know politicians don’t want to implement campaign finance reform since it hurts their self-interests. But since money tends to talk, we need regulations to keep those with the big money at bay. Or else such influence might make us wonder whether our political representatives work for the voters who elected them or the donors who bankroll them that consist of a wealthy few. Yes, I know that some people don’t like regulations they think infringes on their rights. But regulations also protect the rights of those who may otherwise be sidelined by the rich and powerful special interests. And powerful special interests care more about themselves and don’t care if the public has to suffer for policies they want passed. Besides, we want our elections to be fair while big money tends to offset the balance, especially in races involving incumbents who have access to considerable financial resources. Our country was founded on freedom of the people, by the people, and for the people with a government to promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty, for ourselves and posterity. And if we want that, we need to acknowledge and do what we can to keep big money from undermining these ideals. Yes, I know that money is necessary for everything, but it doesn’t have to be the bottom line in politics or how representatives conduct their business. We can start with overturning Citizens United so we can set limits on campaign spending by corporations because we need to.

To learn more:

OpenSecrets.org: The Center for Responsive Politics OpenSecrets.org: Money in Politics — See Who’s Giving & Who’s Getting

ALEC Exposed from the Center for Media and Democracy ALEC Exposed

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 5, 2015

Since it’s summer, it’s not uncommon for children and teenagers to undergo a summer reading program at their local library. Of course, as you’ve know by the title of this post, this isn’t one in where I’d give recommendations. In fact, this is a fourth edition post on bad book covers instead. Now when a book’s published, you’d think that some people would come up with a suitable cover design to sell copies. But this isn’t always the case. As with the bad covers of classic books, you’d have to wonder whether the designer ever read the books at all. I mean they should. Still, seeing such an inappropriate cover on some classic novel might lead to you having to explain that Thomas Hardy’s Wessex Tales has absolutely nothing to do with Slash from Guns n’ Roses. Seriously, this guy died before Slash was even born. Then there are covers that feature the wrong location than the book titles clearly imply as well as ones that depict it’s from an entirely different genre. For instance, there’s a cover for Cranford that implies it’s about some type of sci-fi world when it’s really an English 19th century novel about two spinsters. And there’s a company that issues classic novels with paintings of nude women on the cover, even on titles like Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe. Nevertheless, without further adieu, here is another edition of book covers you can hardly believe exist. Some stuff on this post might not be safe for work.

You Let Some Girl Beat You? by Ann Meyers Drysdale with John Ravenna

I hate to ask this question but isn’t the title a bit sexist? I don’t want to sound rude but the idea of being beaten by a girl doesn’t seem to have great connotations. To put it mildly.

About a female basketball player. Why this is the title I have no idea.

2. Why Do Men Have Nipples?: Hundreds of Questions You’d Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg M.D.

What’s even funnier is how this is listed as a #1 New York Times bestseller. Now this makes me wonder what kind of people would be interested in this book. Then again, as to why men have nipples is a rather interesting question.

Hmmm…..I guess this title indicates that this book will be full of rather interesting medical questions by drunks.

3. 50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a Manly Manner (for the Self-Assured Male) by B. Koz

Even funnier is how you see a guy hunting with his dog on the cover. Probably a way for the designer to show readers that this it’s a book for manly men. But it begs the question on how you can use a tampon for duck hunting.

Because tampons, sanitary napkins, and menstrual cups don’t just have to be for women anymore.\

4. The Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Ancient Truths, Natural Remedies, and the Latest Findings for Your Health Today

Now how does the Bible have a cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome? I’m not sure if it even does. If it did, I’m sure it wouldn’t be pleasant. Besides, I’d rather not trust biblical medicine, for obvious reasons.

Yes, treat your irritable bowel syndrome the way they did in biblical times.

5. In Praise of the Stepmother by Mario Vargas Llosa

Now it’s all right to like your stepmother. And it’s perfectly fine to find her attractive. But it’s not okay to make out with her, touch her boobs, or have anything other than a platonic relationship with her. Seriously, who thought this image would make a great cover? That’s insane!

Okay, I’m sure that’s not the way to have a relationship with your stepmother.

6. Green Light for Death by Frank Kane

Then again, people did smoke a lot in those days. Perhaps, they couldn’t see the naked woman from the cloud of smoke. Or the guy with the gun. Still, not sure if cigarettes create that much smoke at any given time. Must’ve been a party.

For some reason only the guy with the gun is paying attention to the naked lady.

7. Twilight of Briareus by Richard Cowper

I’m getting the impression that a lot of these sci-fi covers just don’t make sense. Maybe it’s just too many cover designers on acid. But I can’t be sure.

Man, I didn’t expect a cover with a giant perplexed space baby. Wonder where that came from.

8. The Moment of Truth by Maggie Price

She may want to save sex for marriage. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t reach into a guy’s pants and feel around for his junk first. Yeah, this cover has very bad photo placement. I mean it suggests something more inappropriate than it’s supposed to convey.

And it seems that this woman has her hand in a guy’s pants.

9. Trixie Belden #1: The Secret of the Manison

Now I’m sure Trixie’s buddy isn’t trying to get into her pants but it sure looks like it. Then again, they might be experimenting with their sexuality. Yes, I’m sure people suspecting lesbianism will have fun with this.

And it seems that Trixie’s best friend has some secret of her own that she wouldn’t want Trixie to know. Their relationship is rather complicated.

10. The Ninety Trillion Fausts by Jack L. Chalker

Now I know this is a sci-fi book but still. Goethe manage to write a story with just one Faust in it. Why would anyone want to write with 90 trillion is beyond me.

Because One Big Space Devil wouldn’t work so well.

11. The Big Bernie Madoff Coloring and Activity Book by Jeff Pollack and Lane Steinberg and illustrated by Maria Villanueva

Now this is just crazy since we all know what Bernie Madoff did basically put him in jail for the rest of his life. I mean it was pretty horrible. Still, hope the kiddies enjoy activities like Cooking the Books, Pyramid Scheme, Hush Money, Take the Money and Run, and more. Seriously, this is a real book from Amazon.

Now young children can enjoy how set up their own little Ponzi schemes on Wall Street from America’s #1 financial sociopath.

12. National Security Space Strategy Considerations by Rick Larned, Cathy Swan Ph.D., and Peter Swan Ph.D.

Now this is pretty bad photoshop. Not sure if having patrol cars in outer space will do the trick. But, oh well, makes a funny cover image anyway. Also makes the book hard to take seriously despite it being written by people who seem to know their stuff.

Would’ve been one of those boring documents that never seen the light of day, except for the police car with rocket blasters orbiting the earth.

13. Meanwhile Back at the Morgue by Mike Avallone

Hate to break it to you, but I’m sure the cover has the brunette on the bearskin rug looking very much alive. Then again, I’m not sure if I’d trust her either. She might be the killer for all we know.

Can’t tell whether this is a pulp mystery or a sleazy romance novel.

14. Bumsider by C.C.MacApp

Now that’s probably one of the most evil equines I’ve ever see. Besides, who the hell would want to title their book Bumsider? Seriously, seems like a sci-fi book taking place inside somebody’s large intestine.

Featuring some clawing, bipedal horses if I were to see on the cover.

15. Moorcock: The Blood Red Game

Now other than the tunnel of red ghosts on the cover, I have to feel bad for the shirtless afroed Moorcock in this book. Seems like the kind of guy who was bullied a lot in school. Yeah, that name really doesn’t help him, save maybe in porn.

I wonder what kind of mother would think of her teenage kid reading a book with that title which has nothing to do with porn.

16. The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkein

And it seems that Gollum keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Boy, he sure looks like hell on this cover. Still, I wonder if Bilbo Baggins should get a membership for the Ye Olde Shire Gym when he comes home.

Seems like Bilbo Baggins really needs to lay off the second breakfast Egg McMuffins these days. This journey might give him the work out he needs to stave off that Type II Diabetes.

17. Wizard of Storms by Dave Van Arnam

Doesn’t help that the cover features two naked guys trying to catch the wizard guy’s balls. Wait a minute, did I just say that? Please, I don’t want to know why.

I haven’t seen such homoerotic wizardry since J.K. Rowling’s Dumbledore’s Closet.

18. The Muffin Muncher by Stephen Cosgrove and illustrated by Robin James

Unfortunately, a muffin muncher can also mean something quite a bit different from what this book implies. Let’s just say I can’t talk about what Urban Dictionary’s definition of a muffin muncher. Except that it has absolutely nothing to do with muffins. Probably is subject to as much misinterpretation as Puff the Magic Dragon.

Just another children’s book about some innocent dragon who likes muffins, right?

19. The Magical Scarecrows: A Chanukah Guessing Games and Colouring Book by Auntie Lynn Santer

Now this looks like something you’d put on a greeting card commemorating a brisk. Also, what the hell do magical scarecrows have to do with Chanukah? Then again, I’m not a Jew so I’d probably not understand these things. But when I hear about magical scarecrows, I’m more likely to think about the Wizard of Oz than anything pertaining to Judaism.

Love to thank the Lord for a moment to give thanks that bad religious book covers aren’t just limited to Christianity.

20. Perry Rhodan der Erbe des Universums: Die Mikro-Festung (AKA The Micro-Fortress) by K.H. Scheer and Clark Dalton

Now this is part of a famous German sci-fi series from the 1960s which has sold over a billion copies. It’s the most successful sci-fi book series ever written. However, you’d think a series like this would have a better cover design. Looks like that rocket ship is has launched from Perry’s pants.

Is is just me or does it seem that there’s a rocket launching from some astronaut’s ass?

21. Godsfire by Cynthia Felice

Of course, you have to wonder about people who think that a sci-fi story set on a cat people planet could ever be taken seriously. Also, I heard their Almighty Cat God is Fluffers.

Guess this sci-fi book draws inspiration from Star Wars and Cats.

22. A Serbian 8th Grade Biology Textbook

I’d especially love to see the chapter on human reproductive systems. It would be quite disappointing to find that this book says nothing about the nature of chronic menstrual cramps in African American men. Also, I’m sure the baby on this cover is actually a child they kidnapped from some rich guy because of her fertility problems and his criminal record. Seriously, if you saw Raising Arizona, you’d know this.

Little did the Coen Brothers know that their 1980s comedy featuring child abduction, apocalyptic bikers, and Nicholas Cage would be pictured on a bio text book for 13 year olds.

23. Peggy’s Sexcess by Dan Brook

I guess that parent teacher conferences will be getting a whole lot awkward from now on. Yeah, I’m sure a skin tight bodysuit isn’t allowed in the school dress code. Especially ones that expose the nipples.

“Don’t be shy, Peggy. This is your new mommy. We’re going to have so much fun together!”

24. Swords in the Mist by Fritz Leiber

I guess someone’s going to be sushi tonight, and I’m sure it’s not the octopus. Yeah, can’t tell whether it’s one of the lamest things I’ve seen or the coolest. And I guess there are the scantily clad purple and green girls in the background.

Our muscular hero with a toga wedgie might be one of the best warriors of the galaxy, but can he get past the dreaded sword fighting octopus?

25. The Stray Shopping Cars of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification by Julian Montague

In the book, the author makes an elaborate system pertaining to abandoned shopping carts. From Amazon: “In The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America author Julian Montague has created an elaborate classification system of abandoned shopping carts, accompanied by photographic documentation of actual stray cart sightings. These sightings include bucolically littered locations such as the Niagara River Gorge (where many a cart has been pushed to its untimely death) and mundane settings that look suspiciously like a suburb near you. “

A must have for the homeless at bookstores everywhere.

26. Political Satire of the Whore of Babylon Biblical Revelation by R. Archer

Now I get that Hillary may not be well liked among this book’s target audience. But come on, to call her the Whore of Babylon is kind of exaggerating. And I’m sure she doesn’t have evil red eyes. Besides, I highly doubt that the Whore of Babylon would ever put up with spending her days in a pantsuit.

Seems like somebody really doesn’t like Hillary Clinton.

27. The Rifleman

Now The Rifleman was a western TV show pertaining to a father and son in the 1950s. However, though I’m sure this book’s for kids, the cover image suggests otherwise.

I think the designers didn’t think about the implications involving the log’s proximity to the man’s crotch.

28. Child of Flame by Kate Elliot

Then again, I’m sure his red mane gives the princess something to hold onto during the ride. However, I’m sure the destination won’t be so pleasant from what I can tell by the guy’s facial expressions.

Have no idea why the griffin in this cover has a demonic human head resembling a rock musician from the 1980s.

29. A Feast Unknown by Philip Jose Farmer

Since it’s an “adults only” book, you can speculate this is about a 1980s bodybuilder transported to some wilderness where he has only his rifle to survive. Still, the guy’s proportions are terrible since he seems to have no hips.

Let’s just say that I’m sure this guy is trying to compensate for something. Or he’s just that manly to go out hunting so scantily.

30. Surfing Samurai Robots by Mel Gilden

Now this just looks ridiculous. Also, I wonder what that thing is in a green coat and jeans. Doesn’t seem to be in place here. Not to mention, the robot duck is quite adorable.

Seems like that woman is very turned on by the muscle bound samurai robot in a speedo.

31. Liberace: Your Personal Fashion Consultant by Michael and Karen Feder

Now who in their right mind would want to wear that outfit? Might be something that Liberace would wear. But everyone else? Hell, no! I’m sure any normal guy wearing this would be thrown out of every bar in town, save the place they serve the gays. Seriously, this must be a joke.

Oh, no, they can’t be serious! Why would anyone want Liberace as their personal fashion consultant?

32. The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

What’s even worse is that this book’s been published with photos of Anne Frank for decades. Why a designer in South Korea thought replacing her with a slutty blond, I have no idea. Seriously, there’s no excuse for having a cover like this.

Jesus Christ! Anne Frank was a Jewish teenage girl during the Holocaust! She died in a concentration camp for God’s sake! Not some skanky blonde call girl from LA!

33. Ma! There’s Nothing to Do Here! by Barbara Park and illustrated by Vivianna Garofoli

Yes, I know childbirth and pregnancy can be disgusting. But still, I’m sure this woman should opt for a c-section since the baby has such an over-sized head. Also, maybe it’s best to leave the childbirth out of kiddie books. Just for the sake of not having covers like this.

Let’s just say that womb illustration gives me the creeps.

34. Compensating for Something by Ana Leigh

Wouldn’t be surprised if this book pertained to some Brokeback Mountain type romance. Yet, I’m sure the guy won’t disrobe on his wedding night due to possessing a tiny shaft.

Guess this is about a cowboy’s struggle with his insecure masculinity.

35. The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

I’m sure this girl’s vagina isn’t really haunted. Might seem that way because she’s a demon. But as the skeletons can tell you, there were plenty of guys who just didn’t listen.

Of course, the horns on her ears should’ve been a warning that she was bad news.

36. Jimmy’s Lawn Service by Tory Napoli

Seems like Jimmy will have a lot of explaining to do for being quite a busy boy. Hope he doesn’t get into much trouble screwing every woman in town. Because no man wants to deal with child support, jealous husbands, paternity suits, possibly murder, and more. So perhaps guys should just keep it in their pants or use protection.

Guess landscaping isn’t Jimmy’s only service in this case. Hope he’s at least 18.

37. The Feminists by Parley J. Cooper

Man, seems like someone really doesn’t like feminism according to the cover. Of course, he probably has no idea of what feminism is and thinks they hate men, instead of the structural patriarchal sexism that they have to put up with every day of their lives. Seems the author doesn’t notice this. And I’m sure he really hates women as you see on the cover.

Guess this is a rather popular book for misogynistic trolls on Reddit, Talk Radio fans, and men’s rights activists.

38. The Sheik by E.M. Hull

Actually I’ve seen the movie which is about a supposedly Arab sheik who kidnaps and nearly rapes a white woman in Northern Africa. But they fall in love. Guaranteed to anger Muslims and feminists alike. Well, if it weren’t for the fact that the movie hadn’t aged bad enough to be an unintentional comedy (it was made in the 1920s). Also, he’s actually English and Spanish, which doesn’t seem believable in the least bit.

A romance between a rich Arab guy and a white woman who can fit in his hand.

39. Moosed-Up by Tiffinie Helmer

Actually it would be better if they actually kill the moose, stuffed its head, and then used his antlers as a clothes rack. Because moose aren’t very nice animals and kill more people than bears.

I’m sure the bull moose would be ideally suited for a clothes rack. And by the clothes, I guess it’s a romance novel.

40. Changing Planes by Ursula K. Le Guin

Naked woman rising from a corn husk in the morning? Now that’s messed up. Seriously, I’ve heard of corns but this is ridiculous. Also bad photoshop.

Seems like at least one of the Children of the Corn is all grown up.

41. The Game of Love by Jean Rossetta

Also, I’m not sure if “Ho Ho,” is a great name for a game show in a romance novel. Besides, we all know that she’s going to end up on the Goodyear Blimp with the Michelin Tire Man.

It was said that her hair was molded from the finest tire rubber, no doubt.

42. Duck Dy-Nasty: Nasty Gays with Big Guns by Sky Eagleday

Of course, this cover image is just ridiculous. Besides, pointing a gun at a rubber duck? I’m sure it’ll traumatize little kids. But adults will find such an image too hilarious to take this book seriously.

Man, seems Rubber Ducky will soon be off to the great bathtub in the sky. Ernie must be horrified.

43. Santa Claus Lays the Virgin by Rachel Jakes

Oooh, boy, looks like Santa belongs on the naughty list as of this Christmas. Yeah, screwing scantily clad teenage girls can do that for you. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Chris Kringle these days?

Seems like Santa is a dirty old man and I’m sure that Mrs. Claus will at least have him sleep on the couch after this.

44. A Gronking to Remember by Lacey Noonan

This book was actually subject to a lawsuit by an Ohio couple alleging the author had used their engagement photo without their permission. I’m surprised that it wasn’t sued by the New England Patriots. It also has a sequel called Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone.

“It was a passion that could not be spiked,” as well as fumbled, snatched, or intercepted.

45. Crystal Cabbage: Meth Whore by E. L. Vyse

I’m sure this author is really aiming for fans of Breaking Bad. Still, I can understand the image. Because featuring a real meth whore on the cover wouldn’t be a sure sell. Then again, she could’ve used Gollum who’s a pretty close approximation.

I’m sure if she was a real meth whore, she’d look way less attractive than that. And I bet her teeth are better looking, too.

46. How to Catch Crabs by Demelza Carlton

Let’s hope the crab catching these people do doesn’t lead to them itching and scratching their nether regions afterwards. Then again, if one of them has crabs, then they should probably see a doctor and keep it in their pants.

Actually I’d rather learn how not to catch crabs, thank you very much.

47. Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas compiled by Blair Tolman

Sure it might be handy during tough economic times. But would you really want to be seen buying it is the question. Also known as

Sure it might be handy during tough economic times. But would you really want to be seen buying it is the question. Not to mention, I’m not sure how they came up with 301 dating ideas under a buck. Just seems impossible at a time when a typical McDonald’s meal costs more. Also known as “301 First Dates.” And not with the same person.

I’m sure some of these will have to be adjusted for inflation.

48. Taken by the Toaster by Dick Thumper

If I saw my boyfriend in bed with a toaster, I wouldn’t be accusing him of cheating. Actually, I’d think he’s losing his mind and should get his head examined. Seriously, a love story between a man and his toaster, why?

Seems like this is a little too attached to his kitchen appliances.

49. A Pagan’s Nightmare by Ray Blackston

But that doesn’t mean embracing Christianity ha s prevented Jaws from eating people, though. He still finds their flesh too tempting for his own good.

Guess our favorite great white has embraced the teachings of Jesus Christ by the looks of it.

50. True Romance by Beth Kincaid

Now I’m sure this is supposed to be geared to young girls and Katie has probably has no fantasies about banging horses whatsoever. Still, the title and tagline don’t help matters. And might suggest that this book pertains to pre-teen girls and bestiality.

“Katie’s fallen in love- with a horse, of course!” Seriously, why go with that tagline?

51. What a Body! by Alan Green

From the cover: “Murder shouldn’t be fun, but Sandra was luscious enough to eat, and Hugo’s ideas about what to do with her were rather different.” Okay, maybe she should probably dump him and run to the nearest police station. It’s probably the sanest thing to do.

Also known as Yes, He’s Just That Into You But in a Very, Very Bad Way.

52. A Solitary Man by Beverly Bird

Man: “Oh, sweetheart, I want to make ravishing love to you under the full moon. I need you. I want you. I love you. You set my soul on fire.”
Woman: “Not tonight. Not ever. And if you don’t leave now, I shall file for a restraining order against you so I’ll never have to see you again.”

And will very much remain so according to the cover.

53. Randy Bamboo in Chicken City by RC Beaird and illustrated by Amy Koch Johnston

Yeah, this is children’s book with one of the dirtiest titles I’ve ever read. I’m sure perverted parents are bound to be disappointed. Also, Chicken City kind of looks segregated. Just a thought.

From Bad Book Covers: “Try to come up with a kids’ book title that sounds more like a euphemism for a Thai sex tour. You cannot.”

54. Always Ask a Man: the Key to Femininity by Arlene Dahl

And by “femininity” she probably means “indentured servitude.” I may hate burning books, but I’ll make this one an exception. Why should I ask a men how to be feminine, good God.

Worst advice about being a woman ever.

55. I Saw Him First by Marjorie Sharmat

Looks like these two girls are fighting over a robot who has absolutely no fashion sense and seems to like Hostess cupcakes. Also, he might be blind. Then again, maybe it’s a teenage “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation which might be quite terrifying.

From how I see it, the guy seems to have such a total lack of personality that he’s not even worth the attention.

56. The Lady Was a Man by Mark Shane

I have to admit, if I saw a man in women’s clothes, I’d probably know. It’s usually not that hard to figure out gender. Nevertheless, this guy might have some issues with his sexuality after that moment. Also, the abstract suggests date rape, which I think is even more disturbing. I meaning knocking out someone to disrobe is certainly a prelude to it. Guy must have serious problems.

Guess he’s never heard of “Lola” or The Crying Game.

57. Risky Dishes for Rescue Dogs by Howie “Homeboy” MacScruff

And I’m sure dogs shouldn’t be eating some of that food on the table. Particularly the sundae with chocolate sauce. To a dog, that’s a very lethal dessert.

He didn’t choose the pound life. Pound life chose him.

58. Eminent Victorians by Lytton Strachey

Even if you haven’t read this book, you should know that a book about famous people in the Victorian age shouldn’t have a Viking on it. Better go with a picture of Charles Dickens, not Eric the Red. Seems like the cover designer knows nothing about history. Or just thinks a Viking on the cover looks cool.

Cover seems to give the impression that the Victorian Era took place in the 9th century, not the 19th.

59. Life of Chopin by Franz Lizst

For God’s sake, Frederic Chopin was a French-Polish pianist who had a 9 year love affair with George Sand. Also he lived during the 19th century Romantic Era and died young. He was never a guitar wielding folksinger from the 1960s who wore Levis. Did these people even do their research?

Seems more appropriate for a Johnny Cash biography to me.

60. Norwegian Life by Ethlyn T. Clough

For those who think that Norway would make a great tropical vacation spot this summer, you must be sorely mistaken. Seriously, that looks more like the Bahamas than Norway. Besides, part of Norway is in the Arctic circle not on the Equator. Someone really knows nothing about geography.

For God’s sake, that doesn’t look the least like a place with terrible winters. And I’m sure they don’t have palm trees any more than they have parrots.

Rules for Dealing with Wild Animals

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 4, 2015

1. Wild animals are not your friends. Do not treat them like pets or your buddies. The guy from Grizzly Man learned that lesson the hard way.

I’m sure any other situation involving a grizzly at the dinner table is bound to end horribly. Yes, old Bearikins may soon have the best Thanksgiving of his life. Everyone else will probably have their last.

2. Unless handling wild animals is part of your job, keep a reasonable distance from them and interfere with their lives as little as possible. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you.

3. Avoid close contact with wild animals whenever possible. Never approach them under any circumstances. Do not touch or try to hold them. But if you must and it’s safe enough, always wear gloves, particularly a pair you’d find at the hardware store (garden gloves come to mind). Get too close to a wild animal and it will attack you.

4. Do not make a wild animal feel threatened or stressed. A threatened or stressed animal is a dangerous animal and will attack you.

5. Do not disturb, chase, startle, anger, tease, or harass a wild animal. All you’ll do is provoke the wild animal into feeling threatened and it will attack you. If you do this, you are a moron and deserve no sympathy for what happened to you. Such actions are especially stupid if the wild animal isn’t alone, particularly if accompanied by offspring. Whatever you do, do not be a dick to wild animals under any circumstances. Unlike humans in society where assholes are tolerated, wild animal will absolutely not tolerate your dickishness toward them and won’t give a shit about sending you to the emergency room.

6. Though baby wild animals may be cute and cuddly, do not go anywhere near them, touch them, or try to hold them. Trying to pick up a baby wild animal is an easy way to get its parents to attack you and they’re usually not far behind. If you do this, you are an idiot. If there’s a chance that a baby wild animal is an orphan, observe it for 24 hours to make sure the animal is truly alone. If their parents don’t show up within that time period, call animal control. Don’t ever try to raise it yourself unless you really know what you’re doing (by that I mean if dealing with animals is part of your job). For particular animals follow these steps:

Awww, look at the cute cougar babies. Don’t their faces just make you want to take one of them home with you? But remember that trying to pet or hold one of these adorable cubs is a quick way for its mother to send you to the ER and/or ICU. Yeah, you’d be an idiot to try to get one of these adorable kitties.

a. Birds: Pick up the bird with gloved hands and try to return it back in its nest. If you can’t, make one by putting leaves, grass, or soft cloth into a small box and place it where you found the bird. Observed for 24 hours to see if it’s cared for. If not, then call animal control. However, if a baby bird has all its feathers and resembles a miniature adult, leave it alone. It’s a fledgling who has permanently left the nest. The parents are watching them from trees and bringing it food.

b. Ducklings/Goslings: With gloved hands, place the bird as close to the flock as you can. If the flock accepts the duckling/gosling, everything should be fine. If not, call animal control.

c. Deer Fawns: Fawns are often left alone while their parents forage. But if the fawn looks cold, hungry, diseased, confused, or threatened, call animal control.

d. Rabbits: If the baby rabbit is at least 4-5 inches long, has fur, open eyes, and hopping around, leave it alone. It’s old enough to be out of the nest. If not, then take it to the nest but hold it with gloved hands. If the nest has been dug up and there are surviving rabbits, place it back into the hole with gloved hands, cover them with the nesting materials (which should consist of grass and fur). Observe for 24-48 hours. If a parent doesn’t return and you’re sure it’s abandoned, call animal control.

7. Do not feed wild animals or leave any food out for them (except bird feeders). All this does is encourage close contact that gets them too used to people as well as increases the potential for predators, accidents, and attacks. A wild animal that’s lost its natural fear for humans is more aggressive and dangerous, especially when hungry. Also makes them fat and sometimes dependent on such food that some may never learn to find native food on their own. Use proper garbage disposal and food storage as well as treat garbage as you’d treat food. Keep a clean camp and wash all cooking and eating equipment after use (as well as change clothes after dinner if you’re the one cooking it). Nevertheless, despite what pop culture tells you, it’s generally seen a bad idea to feed bread crumbs to birds, especially geese and ducks.

There’s a reason why feeding wild animals is illegal. Essentially it gets them too used to people which can lead to attracting other animals as well as attacks. A wild animal that’s lost its fear of humans is dangerous and more aggressive, especially when hungry. While camping, always use proper food storage and garbage disposal as well as keep a clean camp.

8. Be familiar with wild animals and how they normally act. This table gives you plenty of the reliable information you need on normal wild animal behavior.

9. If you see an injured animal, call animal control and observe it until help arrives. Do not try to help it unless it’s safe to do so. Potential dangers include being scratched, bitten, and/or exposed to disease. But be warned that injured wild animals are often scared and may be aggressive when approached. You may also lead the wounded animal to injure itself.

a. If the wild animal is ensnared, trapped, tangled, do not try to fee the animal yourself. It is probably stressed and could be aggressive. Just call animal control to report its location and take pictures of the scene if possible.

b. If it’s safe to touch it, pick up the wild animal to contain it using gloved hands under these steps, if it needs transported to a wildlife rehab center:

i. Line a box with holes or a pet carrier with clean, soft cloth, grasses, and other suitable bedding materials (like shredded newspaper).

ii. With gloved hands, place the animal in the container.

iii. Place the container on a heating pad set to its lowest setting, or wrap a bottle of hot water in a towel and place it in a container for warmth.

iv. Secure the container so the animal can’t jump out, which might cause further injury.

v. Keep the container in a quiet, dark place. Do not feed or water the animal.

10. If you run into close contact with a wild animal, please accord to the following:

Yes, I’m sure Smokey the Bear is more intense in person. Nevertheless, when you encounter a bear, remain calm, give it a way to escape, and slowly and quietly back away. Don’t make eye contact, don’t run, and try to look intimidating. If all else fails, use bear pepper spray.

a. Don’t Panic: Panicking can often lead a wild animal to misinterpret your conduct as an offensive action and take a defensive stance in self-defense (like attack you). Most wild animals won’t attack you unless they feel threatened, have young, or injured/sick. Remain calm, even if you have to take a deep breath.

b. Give the Animal a Way to Escape: If a wild animal has a way to leave or escape the area, it will do so. This is one of the sanest and safest actions you can do, especially if the animal is a large mother with babies. Cornering the animal and having to fight it is not just dangerous, but also highly stupid. This is especially the case if the animal is bear, mountain lion, or an adult moose in which a fight could mean a very long trip to the ER or the ICU, if you’re lucky. If not, then death and a very stupid one at that. These animals are bigger, stronger, as well as have claws, strong teeth, hooves or horns to defend themselves. So avoiding a fight with a wild animal is just common sense.

c. Slowly and Quietly Back Away: Do this while keeping an eye on the wild animal until you are safely away. The more distance between you and the animal, the better. Try to avoid eye contact if possible. Any sudden moves might startle the animal into defensive action. Running may provoke some animals to chase you and you can never outrun them. Also, only climb a tree only if you’re sure the animal can’t and only when it’s far away. Only use active defense as a last resort like mace or bear spray.

d. For specific wild animals, please follow these guidelines:

i. Coyote/Wolf: Use a loud and authoritative voice to frighten the animal. Throw rocks near the animal (but not at them) and become as threatening as possible. This will show dominance and intimidate them. As for wolves, you might want to keep your eyes cast downward and your mouth closed. If it bites, don’t yank it away but try to make it gag or do something to break its clamped jaw. However, a healthy wolf won’t usually attack people. And most usually attack either due to extreme hunger or disease.

ii. Snake: Remain calm and still until it’s gone. Keep any pets and children close to your side. Step backwards slowly, and only turn your back when you are more than 6 feet away from the snake. Fortunately, they’d rather avoid lashing out and will let you know when they feel threatened. However, whatever you do, do not throw anything in an attempt to kill it or else it will move quickly and strike fiercely.

iii. Bear: Control your pets/kids. Quiet any noise making or aggressive movements. Do not run. Avoid looking like prey. Make yourself look intimidating by waving arms and making noises. The bear should quickly leave the area. If it’s a Grizzly, try to cover your head and the back of your neck with your hands either in a fetal position or lying flat and don’t make eye contact. If that doesn’t work, you might want to climb a tree, make noise, and grab the bear spray. If it’s a Black Bear, don’t climb a tree.

iv. Opossum: An opossum is usually docile and won’t attack unless provoked or cornered. Keep pets on short leashes and get out of the area as quickly as possible.

v. Deer: Deer don’t generally pose a threat unless they feel threatened themselves. Keep pets close to you as you walk past them. They should move along. If they make any aggressive movements or sounds, turn away and leave the area.

vi. Mountain Lion: Don’t run, turn your back, and crouch down. Stand tall and authoritatively, make eye contact, use a calm and firm voice, and slowly back away to make sure you aren’t a threat to their safety. If that doesn’t convince the animal to leave, try to scare it off. If it attacks, fight it with everything you got.

vii. Moose: If it looks upset, try to hide behind something big and not too bushy. But leave room to run if the moose continues the chase. Fortunately, most moose attacks are “bluff attacks” that tend to be over before they begin.

viii. Crocodile/Alligator: Avoid croc/gator infested waters as much as possible. If one approaches you, run away as much as possible. If it attacks you, fight back but be sure to hit the eyes, nostrils, or ears. If it bites and you have escaped, seek medical help immediately.

11. If you see a wild animal acting outside its normal behavior stay the hell away from them and find shelter as quickly as possible before calling animal control (especially if the animal is acting disoriented, confused, or shows unprovoked aggressiveness). Make sure your kids and pets are inside as well. Don’t try to help it in any way because a sick animal may not be in its right mind and can be very dangerous. This might be especially obvious if its frothing at the mouth, but sometimes even just bizarre or unprovoked aggressive behavior can be enough. If you, your kids, or your pets aren’t so lucky, follow these steps:

Of course, I’m sure this raccoon doesn’t since it looks relatively normal. However, yeah, raccoons do tend to be carriers of all kinds of diseases. If you see one showing unprovoked aggression, call animal control and seek shelter immediately.

a. You, Children, and Other Humans: Either get to a hospital or call 9/11 for an ambulance if the wound is bleeding seriously or if you suspect that the animal might have rabies. If you aren’t sure it’s serious, call your doctor or animal control. Call animal control to remove the animal if it’s still at the premises and have it tested for rabies and other diseases. Wash minor wounds (like scratches) under running water and apply antibiotic ointment and dressing. Also, you might want to be up to date on vaccinations, just to be safe. If it’s a snakebite, call 9/11 for an ambulance, gently wash the injury, splint bitten extremities, and keep the area at approximately the level of the heart. Keep the person calm (if it’s not you). Don’t cut, suck, apply a constricting band, or apply cold to a bit from a pit viper (like a rattlesnake, copperhead, or cottonmouth). For a bite from an elapid snake (like a coral snake), apply an elastic roller bandage after washing the wound.

b. Pets: Using gloved hands, wash the wounds with a hose. Don’t touch the wounds with your bare hands. Immediately call the vet, even if the wound doesn’t seem serious. If the wild animal is still present, call animal control to remove it. Have your pet re-vaccinated immediately, even if its vaccinations are up to date. If expired, your pet may be held for observation. Also, remember that your pets can’t be treated after they’ve been infected with rabies so its important to keep their vaccinations up to date.

12.Try to keep pets from chasing or harassing wild animals as much as possible. Also, keep children close and within your immediate sight at all times outdoors (especially when the nearest shelter is a long distance away. If you’re at home, just keep the small children accompanied. But keep at least one door unlocked in the house {particularly the backdoor} and teach your school age children about common sense). Never leave small children alone with a wild animal regardless of its demeanor.

13. Avoid carcasses in wilderness areas as much as possible (and by that I mean hiking trails, forests, parks, campgrounds, and nature reserves). Report dead animals to the nearest ranger station or animal control. After all, any animal carcass you find in the wilderness could easily be a carnivore’s leftover lunch. Some animals are known to defend their food sources violently and won’t be happy to see you disturb them.

14. Don’t hike alone or at night. Wild animals are less likely to attack groups than solo hikers, since groups are less noisy. Also, while many animals can be active at any time a lot of them are active at dawn, dusk, or night.

Many wild animals tend to be active at night like this opossum. Of course, this might explain why I have often found so many of their carcasses on roadsides. Also explains why I find deer tracks on the roads during some of my morning walks.

15. While hiking, stay on the trails at all times and travel quietly if need be. As long as you stay away from a wild animal’s habitat, it will not bother you. However, make noise if it’s in bear country, especially when traveling upwind, near streams and waterfalls, or when you can’t see the path ahead. Remember that you are on their turf and you need to respect that, especially since there are a lot animals that can be rather territorial. Yeah, you’d want to keep off their lawn, indeed.

16. Be alert for any possible sign of wild animals nearby such as droppings, diggings, footprints, scratch marks, rocks rolled over, or tree logs torn apart. Also be careful not to step directly on rocks or logs for you don’t want to anger a poisonous snake.

17. When traveling by foot, let someone know where you’re going and when you plan to return. Also, travel with a cell phone and first aid kit at all times as well as keep your pet on a leash.

18. Whenever in a recreational area, always follow local regulations. Always listen to park rangers and game wardens as well as follow their advice.

19. Be familiar with the types of wild animals in your geographical location and know how to avoid getting attacked by them.

20. Be familiar with wild animals’ sex and reproduction cycles and behaviors, particularly mating and birthing seasons. Also pay attention on their familial patterns. Some species may be monogamous while others may not. But it’s not unusual for some animals to be more aggressive and less fearless during their mating seasons (often in the fall), particularly if they’re males trying to mate with as many females as possible (though females during this time aren’t exactly docile either). And it’s not uncommon for female animals to be quite aggressive while raising their young, especially if she’s rearing them alone. Let’s just say the rutting season is basically Pon Farr for deer, which makes them especially dangerous around this time, particularly antlered males.

During the mating seasons, wild animals can be more aggressive than usual, particularly if they’re stag males or males trying to mate with as many females as possible. For some, to say that comparing their mating seasons to Pon Farr isn’t much of a stretch. This is especially the case with the deer rut in which the male antlered deer compete with each other for mates through sparing. And yes, the fights can get particularly nasty.

21. Just because an animal won’t or can’t eat you, don’t assume it won’t hurt you. There’s a reason why predators tend to prey on the most vulnerable of any given herd. They know that trying to take down the strongest animals for meat is a quick way to get severely injured or killed. Not to mention, anyone who’s had regular contact with domesticated livestock will know of at least one incident of a temperamental cow or horse sending someone to the emergency room. So just because the wild animal in question is a vegetarian, don’t assume that it’s cute, cuddly, and friendly. Because there are plenty of large herbivores that are extremely territorial and will kill you deader than dead. Hippos are among the most dangerous animals in Africa along with elephants, cape buffalo, rhinos, and giraffes (which can kill lions with their kicks). In North America, moose and bison are said to attack and kill more people than bears and wolves. Also, take into account that the vast majority of unprovoked bird attacks on people are from herbivorous birds. Thus, remember that an animal doesn’t need to be hungry to want to kill you.

If you think that the most dangerous wild animals are predators, think again. Herbivores can be just as nasty. For instance, while deer are seen as the gentle giants of the forest, they’re actually extremely dangerous, especially during rutting season. I call this picture Bambi’s Revenge. Yes, he will pay dearly.

22. Just because an wild animal seems friendly as well as fluffy and adorable, don’t assume it won’t hurt you. It may not look dangerous, but even the friendliest wild animals can turn pretty unfriendly pretty damn fast. And many of the most adorable and harmless looking creatures can be anything but, especially if you do something to piss them off. You may laugh during the killer rabbit scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but remember that real wild rabbits can be anything but sweet, innocent, and docile.

Real rabbits may not be as lethal as you might see in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. But they are hardly docile creatures and their teeth can inflict quite a bit of damage. It’s said that male rabbits will rape and castrate rival males to secure breeding rights. They also headbutt and their kicks pack quite a bit of power for their size. Unfortunately, for this cat, I’m afraid the Holy Hand Grenade at Antioch wasn’t at its disposal.

23. If you see a large wild animal on the road while driving, make sure you give them the right of way by slowing down and stopping at a reasonable distance. They’ll usually be quick about crossing the street. Nevertheless, please drive carefully and not hit something. Not only will you avoid a crash and save your life but you won’t risk the animal’s life either. And the bigger the animal, the worse the consequences will be if you hit it.

Large wild animals can pose serious traffic problems. Thus, if you see any large wild animal on the road, remember to slow down and give it the right of way. Let’s just say it’ll save your life. Here’s some more tips about sharing the road with wild animals.

24. Any wild animal with utterly zero fear of humans isn’t one you’d want to run into, especially if it has a really nasty temper. Wild animals that aren’t afraid of humans are less likely to run away at close range, which is very bad and most of the time aren’t friendly at all.

25. Don’t ever try to domesticate a wild animal no matter how cute or seemingly docile it may be. Yes, you might hear all the stories about how people raised wild animals in their homes. But there’s a reason why wild animals don’t make great pets despite how and cuddly some of them may be. Think about it.

Yes, raccoons are adorable, I get it. But if we could successfully domesticate, we certainly would keep them as pets. Unfortunately, while raccoons have no fear of humans, they have really, really nasty tempers and their teeth and claws can kill pets as well as send people to the emergency room. They’re also the biggest carrier of rabies in North America. So no, they don’t make very good pets whatsoever. Too bad the Japanese didn’t learn from the Americans on this which gave rise to raccoon infestation in their country. This was because of an anime raccoon gave rise to a fad of keeping these animals as pets. Seriously, Japan, stop being suckers for cuteness!

26. Remember that animal control is your friend. If you see wild animal acting weird and aren’t sure what to do, call them. They will know what’s going on and will go in if there’s a nuisance.

27. Despite what you might see in popular media pertaining to wild animals, don’t assume that they behave that way in real life. This is especially the case with seemingly sweet and innocent animals presented as cute, fluffy, and adorable. Nor should you assume that all animals exist in harmony and wholesomeness (which for those who’ve seen the PBS show Nature, it’s certainly not the case since it’s guaranteed to feature animals mating and killing things in most episodes. This is especially the case when a predator is the featured animal on the episode).

28. If a small wild animal is found in your house, open your doors to let it out. The sooner you give it a way to escape the better. However, if it bites you, keep it inside and call animal control because it might need to be tested for disease.

29. If you want to take a picture of a wild animal at close range, remember that cameras are equipped with zoom lenses. So take advantage of that.

When you want to take pictures of animals, remember to keep a reasonable distance and use the zoom lens. Of course, I’m not sure about this guy’s situation. I mean birds can fly pretty fast.

30. Never take your pets camping or hiking with you, especially if it’s in an area with wolves or other predators. Thus, your pet might become a liability since they’re more vulnerable to animal attacks than humans. There’s a reason why pets aren’t allowed in National Parks and other recreation areas.

31. Remember that just because an animal looks like it’s suffering and needs to be rescued, doesn’t necessarily mean you should interfere. Sometimes it’s best to let nature do its thing and leave it alone, especially if it can be some predator’s tasty meal or your pet’s. So you might not want to bother with Fido killing that baby bunny.

32. Remember that even if you do everything right, this doesn’t guarantee that you won’t attract a wild animal’s attention. Any action you make can make an animal feel threatened or startled, even if you don’t intend to do so. Even wildlife experts have experienced this.

33. Be aware that just because a normally nocturnal animal is active during the day, doesn’t mean it’s “sick” especially if it’s just minding its own business. They may be out during the day for several reasons such as looking for food, during spring and early summer when they’re out looking for food for their young, being habituated in their environment and the people around them, or simply going from one place to another. So if you see a raccoon out during the day and acting like any typical raccoon would otherwise, then leave it alone. It probably doesn’t have rabies.

Though raccoons are better known for being active at night, it’s not uncommon for some to be out in the daytime. So if a raccoon is out and about during the day and doesn’t seem to show any other abnormal behavior, it’s probably not rabies.

34. If you see a wild animal with young, stay the hell away from them. Even the friendliest wild animals can be especially ferocious when it comes to protecting their kids. Mess with any wild animal parent and their kids and you’ll be in for a world of pain.

For the love of God, if you get between a mama bear and her cubs, you will be in for a world of pain. And no, I’m not exaggerating. Do not go anywhere near a bear and her cubs. Seriously, you will live to regret it in the emergency room, if you’re lucky.

35. Just because an wild animal is cute, doesn’t mean it’s nice and wants you to touch it, especially if it’s a baby or juvenile.

36. When hiking, walking, or traveling in a recreational area or anywhere else, stay out of wildlife areas you know are dangerous.

37. Just because you don’t see wild animals, don’t assume that they aren’t close by. Sometimes wild animals will pop up around times when you’re least likely to see them (like during the night).

38. Small wild animals may not be as dangerous as their larger counterparts, but don’t assume that they won’t hurt you. Because even they can be quite vicious if they feel they need to. And there are plenty of animals willing to take on anybody several times their size like rabbits.

39. Unless you’re hunting, then avoid carrying a firearm outdoors, despite what your NRA gun nut neighbor may say. If firing a gun doesn’t instantly kill the wild animal, then it will get even more enraged and attack you. When in close contact with a wild animal, the last thing you want is to make it madder, especially if it’s a predator. For instance, 50 percent of those who use a firearm against a grizzly end up being severely mauled.” Use bear pepper spray instead, which will greatly inhibit its ability to fight.

Unless you intend to hunt at the wilderness recreation area, then leave your guns at home. Of course, you won’t see a bear with a handgun. However, unless you kill it at the first shot, shooting at a wild animal will just make it madder and willing to attack. It’s a reason why firearms are banned in many parks and for good reason. Use bear pepper spray or mace instead.

40. If you’re in a wilderness in an outdoor recreation area you’re not familiar with, consider hiring a guide if you can afford it. At least a guide will know what to do. If you can’t, then consider getting a map and/or guidebook. Better yet, buy the map and guidebook first before hiring the guide.

Rally Around the Flag – Or Not

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 30, 2015

You might remember me talking about the US Flag in my “How to Treat an American Flag” article a I posted earlier this year. Or you might’ve read my longer and more serious article of why the Confederate Flag should be removed as well as debunked the most common claims of keeping it around. However, this is a post about flags, because after all they’re quite important emblems of certain groups and entities whether they be countries, states, provinces, cities, or what not. Thus, in many ways they tend to be symbols. A well designed flag will inspire pride than one made otherwise. There’s also a study of flag design called Vexillology and people in this field believe that a well-designed flag should fit these criteria (from the Portland Flag Association).

Keep It Simple. The flag should be so simple that a child can draw it from memory…
Use Meaningful Symbolism. The flag’s images, colors, or patterns should relate to what it symbolizes…
Use 2 or 3 Basic Colors. Limit the number of colors on the flag to three which contrast well and come from the standard color set…
No Lettering or Seals. Never use writing on any kind or an organization’s seal…
Be Distinctive or Be Related. Avoid duplicating other flags, but use similarities to show connections…

Now I can go on and on about all the great flags out there. But you’d be bored to tears sh I’ll show you a collection of designs that made people wonder, what the hell they were thinking? Because when you have great flags inspiring patriotism and pride, there are others that lead people to keep them as far away from the public spotlight as possible. So for your reading pleasure, here are some not so great flags from around the world. By the way, if I insult anyone’s flag, I deeply apologize.

1. Venice, Italy

Granted, this was derived from the old flag of the Venice Republic. But still, while the winged lion with a book is actually cool, it’s surrounded by too many border designs. Also, on the borders are 7 tiny little flags or coats of arms. I can’t tell. I’d more or less expect such design to be on a box for a D&D game.

2. Chimbu, Papua New Guinea

Now I think the stars and the bird are fine. But with the crossed branches over a circle? I think the province is kind of overdoing it. A plain green sash would’ve been fine. Really.

3. Saint-Pierre and Miquelon, Canada

This is a tiny island territory off the coast of Newfoundland. The three flags on the left are supposed to represent the Basques, Bretons, and Normans. However, the boat seems to be drawn straight from a Saturday morning cartoon. Or an educational cartoon about Christopher Columbus from the 1970s.

4. Louisiana, United States

For one, the comma is missing between, “union and “justice.” However, while the image appears initially wholesome of a mother pelican feeding her babies, it gets quite disturbing when you realize that she’s feeding them with her own blood. Yikes! Seriously, what’s the matter with you, Louisiana? And those drops of blood were only added in 2006. Really.

5. Ishikawa, Japan

Apparently, Japanese Kanji doesn’t translate well into certain fonts. From looking at this, Americans might get the impression that Ishikawa is an obscure Japanese auto corporation instead of a civic entity that it really is.

6. Nunatsiavut, Labrador, Canada

Now this is for a homeland in northern Labrador in Canada. The symbol is supposed to be derived in Inukshuk origin. However, to many it resembles an abstract art rendition of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Must give a lot of Inuk children nightmares.

7. Glarus, Switzerland

Now this consists of a frowning monk with a halo, a staff resembling an antenna, and a book all in yellow. Guess this guy’s frowning due to his inability to bring the word of God to the extraterrestrials.

8. Marijampole, Lithuania

I know the guy is supposed to be sowing seeds, but I can’t help but look at this and get the impression of the Quaker Oats guy throwing out Rice Krispies. Also, the border does little to give this flag any dignity whatsoever.

9. Connacht, Ireland

Guess the inspiration for this one was a major disagreement between whether the a black eagle or an arm with sword would be more badass. The factions settled on a compromise and got this. Yeah, should’ve went with one or the other.

10. Buddhism

For one, Buddhism has a flag? Secondly, this resembles a TV test pattern that’s usually accompanied by a high pitched beep at 4 a.m. But I’m sure the designer didn’t know that.

11. Benin Empire

Now this was the flag for the Pre-Colonial Benin Empire situated in modern Nigeria which lasted from 1440-1897. From looking at this flag I guess their motto was, “Get in my personal space and I’ll cut your bloody head off!” Yeah, decapitation is just a wonderful flag motif.

12. Guam, United States

Think of it as a cross between a cheap souvenir T-shirt from the Bahamas and a Georgia O’Keefe painting. Now imagine if such combination was drawn by a third grader. Sorry, Guam, but your flag is just ugly.

13. Fryslan, the Netherlands

For some reason, I can’t help looking at this flag and imagine it being a pattern on somebody’s underwear. I just don’t know why.

14. Isle of Man, Great Britain

It’s said that the three-legged triskelion was a symbol in Mycenae and Lycia back in Ancient Greece. However, I think it’s rather creepy as hell if you ask me. Three detached legs with no body doesn’t look right to me for some reason.

15. Antwerp, Belgium

Either this is a closeup image from MS Paint or a NASCAR flag on acid. Any way you put it, it’s quite horrendous if you get my drift.

16. Mozambique

Now the hoe and the book convey the best interests Mozambique wants for its people. But an AK-47? Could you imagine anything worse than that on a flag for an African nation? Seriously, why?

17. Swaziland

While the colors schemes are fine, I’m not sure about the weapons. Yes, shields and spears are part of that country’s traditional African culture, but still. Having weapons on your flag kind of sends the wrong message. And given the highly negative stereotypes about Africa, Swaziland ought to know better.

18. Northern Marianas Islands, United States

Well, there’s at least someone in the Northern Marianas Island who knows how to use a computer. Unfortunately, the inhabitants didn’t realize that designing a flag from clip art isn’t a great idea.

19. U. S. Virgin Islands, United States

Now I have to admit, this flag would look great as a design for a license plate. But as an actual flag? Not so much. Also, I’m sure that eagle emblem came straight out of clip art.

20. Lombardy, Italy

No, this isn’t a flag from Comic Con or for a video game competition. It’s from a region in Italy that probably invented jacks or the paperweight. If neither, then I’m not sure why they’d design their flag that way.

21. Antarctica

Yes, Antarctica has a flag. It has no inhabitants, no government, and no culture. But it has a flag with its landmass on it. Should’ve went with a penguin instead.

22. Bermuda

Hmmm….a flag with a picture of a lion holding a picture of a shipwreck mid-plunge. Granted, it was discovered this way by a ship en route to Virginia. Kind of suggests that self-governance isn’t Bermuda’s strong suit. As for me, Bermuda should’ve used a flag depicting a pair of Bermuda shorts.

23. Alo Island, Wallis and Futuna, France

Basically this is for a French territory in the South Pacific. It also commemorates the murder of Catholic missionary Father Chanel who was savagely clubbed and axed to death by natives in the 19th century. To be fair, I can see why the natives didn’t care for colonialism and the cultural loss it entails. However, I’m not sure that a savage murder of a priest should really be a historic event a South Pacific island should take pride in. Even if the priest was a complete asshole. Also the style resembles MS Paint.

24. Cardiff, Wales, Great Britain

Hmmm….dragon dancing around a leek. Guess the badass dragon flag of Wales was already taken. Still, dragon flag dancing with a flowering wild onion? Is there anything more stupid for a flag emblem?

25. Brown County, Nebraska, United States

As Bad Flags would say: ” this flag seems to have been designed by a 3rd grader with severe astygmatism using Microsoft Paint circa 1995.” Yeah, I’m sure it has about the kind of artistic merit you’d see in a local commercial.

26. Drnis, Croatia

This flag is supposed to be of the shepherd Saint Roch with a leg wound. Beside him is a dog with a loaf of bread in its mouth. According to legend it’s said that Saint Roch cut his leg from a rock so he could feed the dog. But the dog found bread instead. What the significance of that event is to an obscure town in Croatia I’ll never know. Also, the guy seems to be licking the staff.

27. Oceanside, California, United States

Seems more appropriate for a tourist advertisement than a city flag. Seriously, I could easily see it on their brochures, if not T-shirts.

28. Vina del Mar, Chile

Yes, this is an actual flag. No, it’s not a beach towel design. But I suppose this place probably has its flag on souvenir beach towels as well.

29. Rome, Italy

Seems like Rome tends to be in agreement with the Cleveland Browns as far as color schemes go. Still, if you’re doing a two color flag, at least pick better colors. And no, brown shouldn’t be one of them.

30. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

Now this flag is actually quite decent. However, that doesn’t explain the presence of the disembodied arm holding the scales. Seriously, that’s fucked up. Yeah, kind of an example in which one weird detail can mess up everything.

31. Provo, Utah, United States

Seem this flag makes Provo look like some obscure corporation that sells camera equipment, vitamins, or chemicals. Fortunately, their city council saw the light and unanimously approved a new design this year.

32. Siauliai, Lithuania

Now I’m fine with the horned bull an the ferocious bear. But I’m not so sure about the eye pyramid. Might draw in a great many conspiracy theorists, especially those who talk about the Illuminati.

33. Belgrade, Serbia

Hate to break it to you, Belgrade. But your flag gives us the impression that your waterways are full of blood. It’s kind of terrifying to think about that.

34. Irkutsk, Russia

Look, Irkutsk, I know that animal predation is a normal part of nature. But that doesn’t mean that a predator with an animal carcass in its mouth makes a great flag motif. Seriously, why?

35. Ibiza, Spain

Reminds me of a map from a 1990s video game. Particularly one developed with the magic of MS paint. Also, the stripes are too much here.

36. Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Seems like Calgary can’t seem to tell the difference between what makes an appropriate flag motif and what makes an appropriate sports logo. And when I see this, I think of some college football team in Texas for some reason, not a Canadian city.

37. Mississippi, United States

That banner in the corner is said to represent a time in Mississippi when was the state with the most millionaires (which was around 1860). Of course, anyone familiar with US race relations and history can explain why. It’s also used as a symbol for white supremacy through any means necessary, even terrorism or secession from the union just to keep black people in a state of uncompensated involuntary servitude.

38. Virginia, United States

Let’s see. This flag seems to symbolize Virginia’s victory over the Brits in the American Revolution. Of course, I’m not sure why they’d include a woman with an exposed breast killing a crowned guy in a purple outfit. I mean violence and partial nudity aren’t stuff you’d want on a flag.

39. Asku, Kazakhstan

Seems like a more appropriate flag for someone like Jadis, the White Witch or for someone off Game of Thrones. Yeah, that’s the most intimidating snowbird I’ve ever seen.

40. Hanover Park, Chicago, Illinois, United States

This flag is for a neighborhood in Chicago. From Bad Flags: “Hanover Park is home to the world’s strongest man, who can lift a pyramid of eight stick figures above his head.” Also, the logo looks as if it was taken straight out of non-profit organization designed to reach out to economically disadvantaged kids.

41. Herimoncourt, Doubs, Franche-Comte, France

So I guess the badass bat logo was already taken by Batman, no less. Still, the place should’ve used a better font than Times New Roman. Seriously, a creepier font might do a better job attracting tourists.

42. Hezbollah

If I was a member of this Shitte paramilitary organization in Lebanon, I’d be embarrassed to have a flag like this. Now I can understand the hand holding an AK-47. But I don’t think what’s left of the arm resembles anything of a minaret or a rocket to me. To be discreet here, you might want to call a focus group.

43. Greene County, Ohio, United States

“Dammit, Orville, watch out for that clock tower.” Seriously, this flag looks like it was designed from the computer program my mom uses to make birthday cards. That clock tower is totally clip art for sure.

44. Greene County, Virginia, United States

I swear this flag’s insignia was probably designed by the same person who did the Mr. Yuck sticker. Well, at least the border anyway. Still, it was probably designed on the back of a cocktail napkin anyway.

45. Irribarren, Venezuela

There’s a better way to mix royalty, grayscale, caution symbols, and shark attacks. But this isn’t it. Not sure what’s that thing in the bottom middle. Wonder who could design a mess like this?

46. Yap, Micronesia

That’s supposed to resemble a canoe with a sail unfurled, carrying a large Rai. However, to me it looks like a circle with a jet pilot helmet they use in the military.

47. Jainism

Now Jainism is an ancient religion in India which has its own monks, teachers, scriptures, and souls. However, while the color scheme and some of the symbols are nice, there’s just one little point of contention. Let’s just say two decades of putzes wearing armbands in Germany can taint this flag’s 1,000 year legacy forever. Sorry that Nazism and WWII have to ruin everything for you, Jains.

48. Baie-James, Quebec, Canada

Since when does a city in Canada think that having Hedwig electrocuted would make a great design for a flag? Really, that just makes Harry Potter cry. Also, the set up looks like it’s straight from a tourist ad or brochure.

49. Kvalsund, Norway

Seems like the fish up there are very into 3 way make out sessions. Still, who would’ve thought that Norwegians were tri-sexual pescatarians? Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

50. Kyrgyzstan

Seems the national symbol for this country is a radiating tennis ball. Oh, it's said to represent a yurt. Doesn't look like one to me.

Seems the national symbol for this country is a giant flaming tennis ball in the sky. Oh, it’s said to represent a yurt. Doesn’t look like one to me. More like an appropriate logo for Serena Williams.

51. Libya (1977-2011)

I'm sure the government of Libya wanted something fancier. But Muammar Ghadafi insisted that the country's flag match his palace drapes. Seriously, Libya has an amazing history and all they could come up with was a green sheet! Oh, wait, I've heard they might've changed it a few years ago.

I’m sure the government of Libya wanted something fancier. But Moamar Gaddafi insisted that the country’s flag match his palace drapes. Seriously, Libya has an amazing history and all they could come up with was a green sheet! Oh, wait, I’ve heard they might’ve changed it a few years ago.

52. Jekabpils, Latvia

Wonder what that lynx is doing under this tree. Probably going about its business. By the way, do they even have lynxes in Latvia? I think they do. But I’ve always seen them as a primarily North American feline though.

53. Masoy, Finmark, Norway

I understand the hammer and sickle were already taken. But seriously, a halapik? As Bad Flags says: ” It’s an ingenious creation meant to bring total destruction to the wicked baby seal at the business end. As both a bludgenoning tool to smash the seal’s sull and and hacking tool, to drag away the freshly killed cottony soft carcass, you kill two birds (or one innocent infant seal) with one blow.” Seriously, a baby seal bludgeoning and ripping tool. Real nice. Maybe they should redesign it with something less medieval weaponish and less controversial. Let’s not glorify baby seal killing shall we?

54. Matruh, Egypt

It’s supposed to be a goat, which might be cool to some. But I’m not sure it’s a flag worthy creature. Also, seems to be running way from a yellow brick wall.

55. Mauensee, Lucerne, Switzerland

Now I’ve heard of flying fish. But I’m kind of sure they don’t have feathers. Is it supposed to be an angel fish? If not, then why the hell does this fish have feathered wings?

56. Mont-Laureir, Quebec, Canada

Hate to say this but this looks more like a logo for a 1980s computer company nobody has heard about since. Seriously, I think I saw such similar imagery on hospital buildings or corporate headquarters.

57. Penza Oblast, Russia

Seems like this obscure area in Russia seems to be a fan of resting bitchface Jesus about to overturn changing tables in the Temple of Jerusalem. Not a great example of Russian Orthodox iconography.

58. Inglewood, California, United States

Now this centennial flag doesn’t really resemble something you’d fly at city hall. Rather, it resembles some agricultural company logo celebrating its anniversary. Seriously, photoshop? Why?

59. Poperinge, Belgium

I guess this place is really into artichokes. Or are those hops or Brussels sprouts? Perhaps they’re turtles or cockroaches. Wouldn’t see why any place would want to put such designs on its flag.

60. Sicily, Italy

Now what’s freakier than a flag with 3 disembodied legs? Well, a flag with 3 disembodied leg triskelion and a face on it. Add 3 stalks of wheat and a pair of wings coming out as well. Now that’s what I called freaky. Yeah, wonder what the Sicily’s flag designer was on when he came up with that idea.

61. Southland, New Zealand

This doesn’t look like a flag motif at all. The setup seems to resemble the kind of motivational posters you’d see in a school library. More like, “Enjoy the adventure of reading” type of message there.

62. Ulan Bator, Mongolia

Now this is supposed to be an anthropomorphic Garuda bird, a mythological creature in Buddhism. However, to me, this is one really ugly flying monkey. He also seems a bit tubby, no offense.

63. St. Moritz, Switerland

Now this is supposed to be Saint Mauritius, a Roman soldier from the 3rd century who refused to kill Christians at the behest of Emperor Maximilian. Thus, he and his legion were martyred. Still, as Bad Flags put it: “It looks like a tribute to the first Swedish knight with a pageboy haircut to walk on the moon.” Yeah, pretty cartoonish if you ask me.

64. Szabolcs-Szatmar-Bereg, Hungary

Well, aside from the airmail envelope border, there seems to be a lot of crap on this flag. Guess one place wanted a flag that symbolized the most stuff. Still, it’s quite a bit overboard to say the least.

65. Long Beach, Mississippi, United States

To be fair, this Gulf Coast city has been through a lot of crap like Hurricane Katrina and the Deepwaer Horizon oil spill. However, it’s known for growing radishes. Yet, what they have here resembles purple carrots. Oh, wait they actually grew radishes like that? Now I feel bad. Still, from that insignia, they seem to be desperate for tourists.

66. Wallonia, Belgium

Now Walloons have a deep reverence for the French Chanticleer rooster, which is from a children’s fable. It’s said to appear in a movie called Rock-a-Doodle. Yeah, not something you’d want on a flag. You can see why many emblems tend to have eagles on them. Eagles are cool. Chickens not so much.

67. Yaroslavl Oblast, Russia

Jesus Christ, a bear with an halberd. Only a matter of time until he learns to use an AK-47 which is a Russian built. Also, it’s newly bipedal with oppose able thumbs. Yeah, Russian outdoors people might want to stay away from bears bearing medieval weaponry.

68. Georgia

This was the state flag of Georgia from the 1950s to 2001. Its reason to have a Confederate flag on its emblem stems from the racist white legislators trying to send a message against desegregation. Luckily, it was replaced with a less racist design in 2001.

69. Orange County, California, United States

Seems like a more appropriate logo for a company that grows oranges. And I sure as hell wouldn’t think California as an appropriate place to grow them this time of year. Especially since the state’s in drought. Nevertheless, Orange County is a rich person’s area that sometimes tends to hoard water for themselves and their golf courses. What a waste.

70. Chiapas, Mexico

From Bad Flags: “The center seal tells the story of two lion lovers. The first lion, Eduardo, lives in the palace. The other lion, Timoteo, is stuck on the other side of a rushing river from his love. A deep chasm keeps apart their love. One day, as Eduardo uses his castle as a scratching post, Timoteo gets an idea. If he scratched that palm tree enough, he may be able to break it down and bridge the gap and run to his lover’s open paws. Unfortunately, the tree is just a little short, and Timoteo plunges to his untimely death.” Now that’s a horrible story. Still, please let it be a joke. Seriously, why would a place in Mexico want a flag depicting such events is beyond me.

71. Perm, Russia

Pretty sure I won’t trust a bear on a book. This is especially the case when the book is most likely the Bible in question. Of course, it’s pretty obvious that’s the book in question on this flag.

72. Greenburgh, New York, United States

Motto is either “Who wants chili?” or “Eye of newt and tongue of shrew, feast your eyes on this witches’ brew.” Uh, let’s hope it’s just chili.

73. Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front

This is a revolutionary movement at the Horn of Africa seeking to unite Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Djbouti under the gun and torch. Yeah, doesn’t seem democratic to me either. Seriously, with an AK-47 what do you expect me to think of these guys? Possible terrorists?

74. Tierra del Fuego, Argentina

Now the place name translates to “Land of Fire.” However, it’s actually a pretty cold place and one of the southernmost inhabited areas in the world. Still, doesn’t make me understand why part of the flag is tangerine and includes a seagull. Yeah, a bird that can be found practically anywhere even in a parking lot in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, looks like it was designed by a 7 year old.

75. North Caucasian Emirate, Russia (1918-1921)

Now this consists of 3 stars making an eye and a nose along with a smiley face mouth. Might have something to do with the whimsical religion of Islam. Of course, the region it represents didn’t last.

76. Tamil Eelam

This is a flag a of a proposed Tamil state located in what’s currently north and east Sri Lanka. Of course, while the image is badass, it also seems more like an emblem for some armed insurgent organization. Yeah, I think the crossed guns have to go.

77. New Jersey, United States

Now New Jersey’s flag looks quite decent with the exception of the color. And the horses’ head. Doesn’t help that it’s been the setting of two award winning HBO crime shows like The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.

78. Pocatello, Idaho, United States

Okay, this is a flag of a city in Idaho. However, it looks more like an emblem designed for a local auto dealership with shitty commercials. I heard they changed it in 2008. Let’s hope it’s not something that’s looks straight out of some printing program.

79. Tampa Bay, Florida, United States

Now that’s a very tacky flag. I mean not only does it have a seal in the middle but that colors are so distracting. Of course, it kind of embodies the spirit of the city. If not, then Florida.

80. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States

This was actually voted among the 5 worst flags of the North American Vexillogical Association. Still, it’s been the city’s flag since the 1950s and seems to have way too much on it. Perhaps a flag depicting cheap beer would’ve been more appropriate. Still, you have wonder what kind of art schools the city has to produce a horrible flag like this.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 28, 2015

I know I’ve posted a few of these postcard posts since last summer. But since summer is the time for vacation and I’m going to Richmond in August to see my sister, I thought such an occasion would be rather appropriate. Nevertheless, you can tell a lot about an area by the kind of postcards they sell as well as what they value. And in some ways, there are some vintage postcards that might not hold up as well as thy might’ve during the 1950s. This is especially true when it comes to any postcard showing the Confederate flag or tobacco from the American South. Not to mention, there are plenty of postcards that can be just outright weird as you might see in Florida. Of course, there’s a reason why many of these postcards tend to be unintentionally funny as well as tacky. So if you can’t go on vacation this summer, then enjoy yourself to some of these wonderfully tacky postcards from a more simpler time (well, not really).

1. Here in Kentucky is a portrait of an angel anointing the musical songwriter Stephen Foster.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote “My Old Kentucky Home,” he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn’t he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

2. Get yourself set for a photo op at the Confederate Anchor and Chain in Columbus, Kentucky.

Hmm…seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it’s depicted. Also, I’m sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who’s all too happy to imagine what it’d be like to bang all three of them.

3. Greetings from Kansas, where they have big boulders.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I’m sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

4. Welcome to the Red Slipper, from your scantily clad Wild West whore.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn’t a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she’s either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

5. For this chef, nothing makes a great meal than a large hunk of steak.

From the card: “A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95.” Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain’t bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

6. This chimp is currently chilling in his easy chair.

Yes, he’s taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

7. While some dolls were made to look cute, some can really terrify the hell out of you.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I’m sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

8. Hmmm….Frankenstein’s monster doesn’t look too happy in this take.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein’s monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who’s spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

9. “Try catching a fish at this high, Flipper.”

I don’t know but I’m not so worried about the dolphin as I’m scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can’t be safe.

10. When it comes to sharing whiskey in your pajamas, sometimes you need to demonstrate your ability with a rod and the reel.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, gazing in each other’s eyes… Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

11. “Aaaah, there’s an Indian in my house scalping my husband!”

I know I’m supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can’t take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

12. At Marineland of the Pacific, you can see dolphins catching fish from sailors’ mouths.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I’m no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

13. For every woman in Maine, a lobster is a girl’s best friend.

“Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can’t bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don’t leave me!”

14. Vote Barfield and Shepheard for City Council, which they’ll make everybody’s business.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors’ Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don’t want to be seen hungover.

15. Back in the day, small appliances were so rugged and macho such as the Powerflow Hairdryer.

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it's not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don't think it has a laser. So why are any of you asking these questions?

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it’s not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don’t think it has a laser. This isn’t a piece of Star Trek technology here. So why are any of you asking these questions?

16. “Look, Mommy, that’s a Silversword plant, only known to Hawaii.”

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is “Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah, it’s a real plant, but I’m sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I’ve ever seen.

17. “Travel is so broadening.”

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I’m not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

18. “Ah! Sweet misery of love.”

I don’t know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don’t seem like they’re madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

19. Hangover this morning? Drink Kona Coffee Grog.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don't want to know.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant and bar. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don’t want to know.

20. “We miss you from Anna Maria, Florida.”

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she’s dinner anyway.

21. Come to the National Civil War Museum in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where you can see a display of John Brown’s execution for his raid on Harper’s Ferry in present day West Virginia.

Man, John Brown doesn’t seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man’s execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can’t take this somber display seriously for some reason.

22. Welcome to Kalkaska, Michigan, home of the National Trout Festival.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it’s some kind of water monster.

23. Seems like there’s a dolphin rapture or they’re working for some evil old guy.

“Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!” Well, at least they’re not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

24. Let’s just say, I don’t think wax museums should cover certain events pertaining to solemn events like the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Custer’s eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it’s hilarious.

25. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson receive guidance from George Washington.

Man, I can’t help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don’t seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn’t been having a good day at all.

26. May I present to you Bubbles the Seahorse.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she’s enjoying it! Seriously, let’s hope it’s just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

27. Welcome to Homosassa Springs.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott's agenda is to change the place's name to Heterasassa Springs. Still doesn't incite the same kind of giggles. Even funny how it shows a woman with orchids. As if there's nothing gay going on there, really.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott’s agenda is to change the place’s name to Heterasassa Springs. Still when I hear of Homosassa Springs, I don’t imagine a pretty girl holding orchids. Well, unless she’s buying them for her girlfriend at the Bull Dyke Bar and Grille.

28. “Brad, it’s our anniversary, I don’t want to wear the wig tonight, okay?”

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I’m not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

29. “This next song I’m going to play is called ‘Monkey Business’ from the album Bananas.”

However, I’m sure such a postcard wouldn’t go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

30. The First Baptist Church of Van Nuys presents the Living Christmas Tree.

Well, I’m sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it’s pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

31. Come to Florida for the sun, fun, and beauty.

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I’m not sure she’s a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

32. While dolphins are seen as lovable creatures in Florida, I’m not so sure if you’d say the same at Niagara Falls.

Yes, Bucky wasn’t the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn’t care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I’ve ever seen.

33. Come to Josephine Tussaud’s London Wax Museum in St. Petersburg, Florida and relive the time when Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald in front of the cameras.

Now I’m not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he’s about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson’s Thriller album.

34. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don’t help either.

35. Seems like Jesus likes to spend time chilling with this brethren.

I don’t know about you but this Jesus seems like he’s been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, “Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don’t Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot.” Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

36. An average catch in this lake is bound to devour a man.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that’s quite desperate for some tourism. I’m sure the fish there aren’t that big.

37. Seems like this Totem Pole has an eye out for women to smooch.

“Honey, drop the camera and run! It’s going to suck all your blood!” After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside. Yes, that totem was cursed.

38. Come to Death Valley and see the Ghost Riders in the Sky.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don’t seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

39. “Welcome to our hair salon. Our stylists are among the best of the biz.”

Yes, it’s a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I’d rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

40. “After all these years, I’m still not sure how I ended up a snake dentist.”

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I’m sure it wouldn’t go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

41. At the Madonna Inn, we’re sure this poppy room is guaranteed to put you to sleep.

This is called, “The California Poppy Room.” From the card: “The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!” Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It’s not something that has a good reputation.

42. Seems like royal coronation ceremonies have become quite a bit informal these days.

I’m sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

43. The Weeki Wachee Mermaids present Alice in Waterland.

Now by looking at these ladies, I’m sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I’d hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

44. LBJ says: “Let us reason together.”

Which means he’ll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

45. “Howdy and come on down to the grand ol’ rattlesnake rodeo. Yeeehaw!”

Man, I know it's photoshopped but I'd sure want to see this. Also, let's hope that the ol' rattler don't take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers.

Man, I know it’s photoshopped but I’d sure want to see this. A rodeo with cowboys riding rattlesnakes would be awesome! Also, let’s hope that the ol’ rattler don’t take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers. Because that could be a problem.

46. “Waiting for you in Florida.”

Let’s just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

47. “Hello, kids, and welcome to Crazy Joe Killemall’s NRA gun camp for boys.”

“Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first.” Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn’t the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though. Yeah, probably shouldn’t dwell on these thoughts.

48, Have a snapping good time in Florida.

Yeah, I’m sure that the gator doesn’t just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

49. While beer drinking is common in Germany, it’s said that a real man can down 15 six-packs.

Okay, maybe it doesn’t hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

50. Come to Florida and see Miami’s ultra-modern architecture.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it’s fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

51. Preachers, baptize your parishioners in style with this deluxe portable baptistery.

Of course, I can't really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I've been to pertained to babies. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it's a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor's luxurious bathtub. Why can't the minister baptize people in the river? It's cheaper.

Of course, I can’t really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I’ve been to pertained to babies, including my own. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it’s a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor’s luxurious bathtub. Why can’t the minister baptize people in the river? It’s cheaper.

52. Do you ever get the feeling that the drapes are watching you?

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

53. Seems like Herman the Hippo loves seeing Bridget spray the hose at him.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn’t mean they’re nice and won’t kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she’ll be in very big trouble.

54. Ross Allen’s Reptile Institute presents Beauty and the Boa.

Let’s hope that the snake isn’t poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

55. “Behold, He is risen!”

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus’s armpit. Angel’s like, “Dude, can I borrow five bucks?”

56. “Wish you were here!” from Alcatraz.

Let’s just say I’m not sure if I’d want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it’s now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it’s a famous federal prison.

57. Greetings from the Farmer’s Market of Los Angeles, California.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer’s market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer’s market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

58. Every Friday evening at the Azure Tides Hotel Court in Sarasota, Florida, they hold King Neptune’s Table Buffet.

I can see it now, “Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs….No Deaths Reported.” Still, that’s a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

59. Greetings from Clear Lake, Iowa?

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don’t come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn’t remind me of Iowa at all.

60. Welcome to the Moon Gate Motel. Enjoy your stay.

Now I have to admit, this motel’s architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge for Happy Hour.

61. Greetings from Shamrock, Texas, home of the world’s youngest hitchhikers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn’t the safest way of transportation. In fact, it’s anything but, especially for toddlers.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you Space Chimp.

Of course, I’m not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

63. “What’s the matter? Haven’t you’ve seen a woman riding a seahorse underwater before?”

Well, at least “Bubbles” the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny. Especially if she almost seems like she’s posing as a model for Sports Illustrated.

64. Bringing you the latest in underwater entertainment.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it’s kind of over the top. But hey, they’re from Florida.

65. “Good morning, honey, coffee’s ready.”

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don’t know why. Must be the woman’s soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

66. When it comes to a dog and a child, there is always mutual affection.

However, while it’s supposed to show “mutual affection,” the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn’t show its feelings or just doesn’t care.

67. Of course, photos of children and puppies are always adorable.

Of course, this girl is like “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Meanwhile the dog is like, “Help me.” Still, the puppy just can’t find no escape from the girl with the evil grin and soulless eyes.

68. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Chattanooga’s Confederama.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I’m sure it’s highly offensive.

69. Here’s a scene of Abraham Lincoln passing Lancaster, Pennsylvania on his way to inauguration in Washington D.C. in 1861.

I don’t know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn’t seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn’t seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

70. “Finally, found a place we could afford.”

Well, it doesn't look like much. But I'm sure with some improvements and repairs, it'll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Well, it doesn’t look like much. But I’m sure with some improvements and repairs, it’ll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole disaster area and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Fun with Rugs

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 26, 2015

Whether as a welcome mat or as carpeting, rugs have been around for quite some time.Now rugs are said to have existed from the 2nd millennium BCE in the Middle East as we know it. But it’s said that they might’ve been making these things since the 7th millennium BCE which means that rugs have been around longer than writing. Nevertheless, almost every culture in the world has some kind of carpeting from the Middle East to India, China, and Siberia. Of course, while most people use rugs and carpeting to cover their floors, some also hang them on their wall either to muffle sound (like music and band rooms) or for decoration. Now I can spend this post talking about all the wonderful kinds of rugs out there but you’d probably get board after I show you enough from the Middle East. So instead, I’ll show you a few of the unusual variety. Sure many of them might look cool but some will look quite tacky. Others may be taken from pop culture references as well. Yet, none of them would be like Aladdin has. So without further adieu, here are some of the unique rugs for your reading pleasure.

1. Some dogs will do anything for some juicy ribs.

Of course, the dog might’ve placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it’s a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

2. Now you can have a room all by yourself with this chalk outline guy crime scene rug.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

3. This rug will make the perfect tapestry for the hunting lodge come next deer hunting season.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time: playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn’t want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they’re smoking and drinking beer.

4. This rug will go great with the hardwood flooring.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don’t know whether it’s quite clever or quite lame. Either way, I’m sure nobody would want it.

5. For the Pinellas County, Florida sheriff’s office, it’s always, “In Dog We Trust.”

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it’s quite funny.

6. While most homes have welcome mats, I’m not sure if this qualifies.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

7. Of course, while bears may be endangered in your area, you can always go with a demon rug to scare people.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I’m not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

8. Sometimes when it comes to rugs, some people prefer to be brief or tidy white.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it’s for a single guy’s bathroom, I’m not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

9. When it comes to rugs, occasionally the bigger and fluffier the better.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

10. In this living room carpet, a polar bear stands alone on an iceberg.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

11. A rug like this might also double as furniture.

It’s also shaped like you’d see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it’s much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

12. Man, looking at a rug like this makes me want to go out and skin a Persian bear.

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

13. Now I have to admit that this rug really ties the room together.

Now this rug is of the Dude’s face from The Big Lebowski. Let’s just say, you’ll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

14. As far as the Dude may say, this rug abides.

Now this rug contains items you’d associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I’m sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

15. Of course, you and your friends will never know who made these tracks.

I’m sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

16. Guess the bloody footprints on this bath mat might leave a lot to the imagination.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

17. Seems like these rugs are the skins of Elmo and the Abominable Snowman.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I’m not sure you’d want either of them in a home with children.

18. Finally, a rug that can tell you the time of day.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

19. Now if someone had a rug like this, I might want to question their sanity.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

20. Seems like Cookie Monster couldn’t resist those Chips Ahoy in his final moments.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

21. If you can’t afford a chalk outline crime scene rug, then this body rug will do nicely.

Hmmm….now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you’re awesome. Either way, it’ll make a great conversation piece.

22. Now with a carpet like this, you can play hopscotch in all kinds of weather.

And you don’t have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

23. Now this Band Aid rug is sure to go well with many rooms in your house or medical office.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor’s office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it’s quite long and narrow, too.

24. Step right up and have this rug guess your weight.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

25. Sometimes doormats can really elicit a lot of mixed messages on occasions.

Looking at this mat, I’m not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

26. Now your door mat can look just like any ordinary manhole cover.

Of course, I’m sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you’d probably be disappointed that lifting it won’t lead you to a sewer.

27. I’m not sure if I want to walk into the middle if I were you.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That’s what I thought.

28. I suppose this person prefers that we ring.

Seems like they’re not fond of visitors or they’re really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don’t want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

29. Of course, all this rug cost were two over easy.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

30. A rug like this can be flipped according to the season.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

31. Though some may play video games, who can boast having a video game controller rug?

I’m guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I’m not sure. Guess I didn’t grow up with video games back in the day.

32. Grace your living space with a rug that goes with the topography.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

33. Wouldn’t you want a shag carpet that could just keep you warm on cold days?

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn’t recommend it for anyone.

34. Now this rug will certainly go well with the woodwork at this establishment.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I’m just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

35. Oh, God, looks like someone spilled something on the carpet again.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

36. Nothing gives a room character than a rug of a hedge row maze.

Of course, I’m not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

37. Guess who ever has this rug is a big Lionel Ritchie fan.

Let’s just say I’m not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it’s used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

38. Nothing makes a room better than a rug of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I’m not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

39. Guess whoever designed this exotic rugs might’ve been under the influence or was just plain incompetent.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can’t say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

40. Now I don’t know where these stairs lead to. But I’m not sure if I want to try.

Then again, it’s just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can’t.

41. Mind that you keep an eye on the floor when you get in.

Of course, when I said, “eye on the floor” I didn’t mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

42. Guess if you’re one of those bullrogs, you might want to pass this one.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I’m sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

43. Nothing makes a room look badass than a rug with Hitler’s head on it.

I’ve seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he’s probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don’t know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler’s List. Okay, that’s too depressing so you’d better go with The Great Dictator.

44. Commemorate the Iraq War, with this genuine rug of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I’m sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

45. Not sure how the tire marks got there on this living room rug. Not sure if I want to find out.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it’s hard for me to explain.

46. Enjoy a White Russian with your friends on this one-of-a-kind Big Lebowski rug.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

47. For you meat lovers out there, this rug of kielbasa will do quite nicely.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It’s hard to say.

48. I’m sure an old timey mustache welcome mat will make your guests feel right at home.

I don’t know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, “Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy.”

49. As I’ve said before, there ain’t a better rug like an Oreo rug for the living room.

Of course, it doesn’t seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I’m sure Nabisco would approve.

50. If you like rocks and geology, this geode rug will do just nicely.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I’m kind of a stickler for symmetry. It’s what I’m used to so don’t ask me.

51. Nothing can make a Marvel fan’s day than having a Captain America shield rug in their bathroom.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

52. Add a little Mexican flavor into your living room with this pinata skin rug.

However, though it’s quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn’t contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

53. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a rug containing roadkill.

Actually you can because I’m sure this won’t go well with visitors who’d think you’re quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it’s pretty disgusting.

54. Of course, everyone has their own way of saying “go away” now and then.

As you know, by “blow this joint” it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it’s most likely the latter.

55. Now this rug is guaranteed to give you the ultimate Big Lebowski experience (besides watching the movie of course).

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you’d recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

56. Why play Pacman on the screen while you can play it on the floor?

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I’m sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

57. For those who love Nintendo, you might like this Super Mario Brothers map rug.

Unfortunately, I’m sure the princess is in another castle. And I’m positive that it’s not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

58. For those Atari fans who didn’t care for Pacman, here’s a rug commemorating Space Invaders.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

59. With this KISS rug you can rock and roll all night as well as party every day.

Now I’m not a fan of KISS but let’s just say I couldn’t pass this one up. Well, because it’s certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don’t particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

60. Any die hard Star Wars fan would know that you can’t possibly do without a rug of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo’s carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

61. Guess there’s nothing to see here. Guess we came to the wrong house.

Of course, let’s just say this won’t go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like “Harold Smith” or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

62. Beware of Bunnies. Guess it’s time for me to come armed with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

63. Guess this belongs to a guy who works in computers. Wonder why I get that impression?

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

64. Guess someone needs to teach this cat how to bowl for tuna.

If it’s not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it’s cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

65. Have your kid reenact their favorite Star Wars scene with this Death Star rug.

However, remember this is not a moon, it’s a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

66. For video nerds, this rug will do quite nicely in your entertainment center.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it’s probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

67. For your ugly Christmas sweater party, celebrate the season with this ugly Christmas rug.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

68. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a 420 tie dye rug for your stoner friends.

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I’m not sure if it’s the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, “Don’t fear the reefer, man.”

69. Nothing satisfies the house of a true Star Wars fan than a fuzzy rug of a wampa’s skin.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature’s arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or in A New Hope.

70. When you slay a werewolf, remember his hide makes a great rug on your living room floor.

Let’s just hope that this isn’t the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn’t mind if it was Taylor Lautner’s character from Twilight though. Now that’s a werewolf who should be skinned.

71. I’m sure nothing brings you in memory lane like an old cassette tape rug.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I’m sure the youngest two wouldn’t know what a cassette is.

72. Of course, a real Pittsburgh Steeler fan can’t show his or her support for the team without a Terrible Towel welcome mat.

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I’m afraid you can’t go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I’m just kidding).

73. Seems like somebody really doesn’t want to be bothered at the moment.

Yeah, I’m sure there’s somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

74. Well, that’s one way of warding off burglars.

Then again, it’s always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they’re really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

75. On this Enterprise rug, you can go where no man has gone before.

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain James T. Kirk?

76. Imagine yourself a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away with this Millennium Falcon rug.

Sure you might think Han Solo’s ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it’s kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy’s van in high school.

77. Now this must’ve been quite a ferocious monster in its day.

Not sure what it is. But I’d sure as hell don’t want to be anywhere near it. Let’s hope it’s dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy’s living room.

78. Welcome and greetings, doggy style.

As someone who’s been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other’s butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it’s disgusting.

79. Dog hiding in bushes, act as if nothing is going on. Just act natural and casual.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that’s all.

80. “Speak friend and enter.”

Now we just have to find what’s the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it’s the Mines of Moira, I really don’t want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

Movie Reviews by People Who Take Everything Literally

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 24, 2015

1. To Kill a Mockingbird: “So disappointed that no birds were killed in this movie. Not even mockingbirds.”

2. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: “As an avid bird watcher, I had anticipated to see this movie thinking it was about the nesting habits about cuckoos. Was so pissed that it focused on a bunch of inmates in an insane asylum and their crazy bitch nurse.”

3. Infinitely Polar Bear: “Can’t believe this movie had absolutely nothing to do with polar bears or the Arctic. So disappointed.”

4. A Farewell to Arms: “He has his arms throughout the movie and still has them by the end. Can’t imagine why the title is this when he doesn’t say goodbye to his arms.”

5. The Three Musketeers: “All this movie’s about is four guys with swords, not three guys with muskets.”

6. Gone with the Wind: “More like Gone with the War. Had nothing to do with people losing everything in a tornado.”

7. Fiddler on the Roof: “Well, there’s a fiddler on the roof who sometimes comes down now and then. But he doesn’t really have anything to with the story which focuses on a bunch of Russian Jews instead.”

8. Blazing Saddles: “Why I never got to see anyone set fire on a saddle in this movie, I have no idea.”

9. The Lion in Winter: “Sure it takes place in winter but there’s no snow on the ground. Also, I as so upset that there wasn’t a single lion in it. Just a dysfunctional royal family at Christmas.”

10. Twelve O’Clock High: “I was expecting it to be one of those stoner movies. Instead, it was about a bunch of World War II pilots and their asshole commander who goes nuts. I was so bummed I wanted my money back.”

11. The Seventh Seal: “Instead of watching a movie about adorable seals, I get a depressing Swedish film about a medieval knight playing chess with the Grim Reaper.”

12. Singin’ in the Rain: “Only one scene where there’s actual signing in the rain. The rest is just people singing and talking indoors and something about talkies.”

13. Jewel of the Nile: “Can’t believe this had nothing to do about jewelry in Egypt. The ‘jewel’ in this movie is just some bearded holy man, which doesn’t make any sense to me.”

14. Dances with Wolves: “Well, there’s one scene where Kevin Costner might be dancing with a wolf. But, most of this movie has nothing to do with dancing with wolves. Just about a guy befriending Indians.”

15. Candyman: “Was outraged to see that this movie had nothing to do with a guy who sells candy. Can’t believe it pertains to a murderous ghosts.”

16. Julius Caesar: “Thought this was a biopic about the ancient Roman leader. Instead, it’s about this Brutus guy who’s talked into killing him half-way through and later loses it.”

17. The Brown Bunny: “Assumed that this was a cute animal film about a brown rabbit. After viewing this, I’m grateful I didn’t watch it with my kids.”

18. All Quiet on the Western Front: “From viewing this movie, it seems that the Western Front wasn’t quiet at all.”

19. Of Mice and Men: “Now I get this movie’s about men. But I didn’t see any mice in it.”

20. The Silence of the Lambs: “I’m so pissed that this movie doesn’t have much to do with sheep or lambs. Just an FBI agent and a couple of creepy murderers with fetishes in cannibalism and crossdressing.”

21. Dead Poets Society: “Thought this was about a society pertaining to undead poets. Disappointed to find out it was about a bunch of boarding school boys being taught poetry.”

22. It’s a Wonderful Life: “Not sure if I call the guy’s life anything wonderful. Seems like he led a life where very little seem to go right with him.”

23. The Grapes of Wrath: “Didn’t see any angry grapes in this movie. Just a bunch of poor people.”

24. A Raisin in the Sun: “There is nothing about this movie that has anything to do with raisins in the sun. Just about a black family wanting to move into a new house.”

25. The Man Who Wasn’t There: “How can a movie be about a man who’s not there? Billy Bob Thornton never seems to disappear or anything. Seriously, such concept doesn’t make any sense.”

26. East of Eden: “Had no idea that this wasn’t a biblical movie about Adam and Eve. Just about two brothers and their asshole dad.”

27. Kind Hearts and Coronets: “More like a Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder. Seriously, its more about killing family members and carrying on with your ex-girlfriend than anything about nice people and trumpets.”

28. Splendor in the Grass: “Doesn’t really have much to do with having any splendor in the grass. Just about two teenagers who break up and move on with other people. Oh, and the girl tries to commit suicide.”

29. No Country for Old Men: “Didn’t see a single senior citizen in this whole movie. More like an emotionless serial killer on a rampage.”

30. The Last King of Scotland: “So pissed off that it has nothing to do with the decline and fall of the Scottish monarchy. In fact, this movie isn’t set in Scotland at all, but in Uganda and it’s about Idi Amin.”

31. My Life as a Dog: “Can’t believe it’s not a body swap comedy involving an owner and canine. Just a Swedish coming of age film.”

32. The Ref: “Was expecting this movie to be about the ups and downs of a sports referee. Instead it’s about a fugitive crook who kidnaps a dysfunctional married couple.”

33. A Clockwork Orange: “Was deeply disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with the workings of orange clocks.”

34. JFK: “So distraught that this movie wasn’t a biopic about John F. Kennedy. It’s just about a guy who has some crazy theory about who killed him.”

35. Chariots of Fire: “Was bummed out that this movie didn’t feature fiery chariots, instead of a bunch of British guys competing in the Olympics.”

36. Reservoir Dogs: “I was so upset that this movie had nothing to do with the lives of dogs near reservoirs. Just a film about sadistic criminals with color coded names and suits.”

37. It Happened One Night: “Movie spans several nights with none being ever significant to the plot than any other. Should be more like It Happened Over a Road Trip.”

38. Straw Dogs: “Pissed off that this movie had nothing to do with straw dogs or even dogs or straw. What the hell?”

39. The Room: “Should really be called The Building since it takes place in several rooms no significant than the other.”

40. The Postman Always Rings Twice: “There are no mailmen or doorbells in this movie. So there’s no way to see a postman always ringing twice. It should be titled The Drifter and the Woman Who Wants to Kill Her Husband So She Can Get Everything.”

41. Jurassic Park: “But if it’s called Jurassic Park, then why do most of the dinosaurs seem to be from the Cretaceous period? Shouldn’t it be Cretaceous Park?”

42. The Big Sleep: “No one in this movie ever seems to be taking a long nap or be in a coma. In fact, this movie has very little to do with anything relating to sleep whatsoever.”

43. Christmas Vacation: “The family doesn’t go anywhere for Christmas. Just has their relatives spend Christmas with them.”

44. Captain Horatio Hornblower: “I was initially outraged why TCM would ever air a movie that sounds like a gay porn. Turns out it’s just about a naval officer with a porn character name and isn’t seen engage in any gay sex whatsoever. In fact, he ain’t even gay.”

45. The Keys to the Kingdom: “He never gets any keys and he doesn’t visit any kingdom. Just a priest who’s sent to China. So bummed.”

46. Little Women: “About teenage girls, not female midgets. Okay, female dwarfs, are you happy?”

47. The Princess Bride: “More like a prince’s fiancee to me. Besides, she doesn’t really marry him anyway.”

48. Fargo: “There’s only one scene set in Fargo in the beginning. The rest of the movie takes place in Minnesota.”

49. Leave Her To Heaven: “A more appropriate title for this movie would be Leave Her to Hell.”

50. M. A. S. H.: “Initially thought that this movie was about potatoes. It’s not. It’s about an army hospital camp.”

51. The Fault of Our Stars: “Seems like this movie has nothing about the character flaws of celestial fireballs.”

52. For Whom the Bell Tolls: “Doesn’t seem to have anything to do with bell ringing or tolls. More like people hiding in places and shooting at each other.”

53. Inherit the Wind: “How can you inherit wind? Also, this movie has nothing to do with inheritance or wind. Just a trial of a science teacher arrested for teaching evolution in school.”

54. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape: “Apparently nothing is eating Gilbert Grape. It’s just that he’s a young man with way too many responsibilities like a mentally handicapped brother and a grossly overweight mom.”

55. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?: “Contrary to my initial assumptions, this isn’t a biopic about the famed bisexual British novelist who went nuts and drowned herself. It’s actually about a couple of emotionally dysfunctional alcoholics hosting a dinner party.”

56. The Man with the Golden Arm: “For God’s sake, Frank Sinatra’s hand isn’t made out of gold in this! Rather, he’s more of a druggie.”

57. Dr. Strangelove: “Was expecting a hippie stoner movie with this one. Turns out this is a Cold War satire. And Dr. Strangelove is actually a Nazi scientist, not a drug dealer. Go figure.”

58. 12 Angry Men: “It’s about twelve men all right. But not all of them are angry.”

59. A Mighty Wind: “Just a movie about a bunch of folksingers doing a PBS special. Has nothing to do with windstorms.”

60. Now, Voyager: “Thought this was a Star Trek movie. Turns out to be about a rich girl getting a makeover and having an affair.”

61. The Agony and the Ecstasy: “Was expecting this movie to be about the ups and downs on experimenting with rave drugs. Is actually a biopic of Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. Not sure which I would prefer.”

62. The Neverending Story: “It ends. So disappointed.”

63. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: “So bummed that it didn’t have any cats in it. And I’m sure that house in the movie doesn’t have tin roof.”

64. Life of Pi: “Was so disappointed that this movie didn’t feature one single pie. Instead it was about a young man stuck on a boat with a tiger.”

65. A Streetcar Named Desire: “Well, there’s a streetcar in it but it has very little to do with the movie. The rest focuses on an abusive husband and a blonde lady going crazy.”

66. Moonrise Kingdom: “There’s no moon rising and there’s no kingdom. So what kind of movie is this?”

67. The Godfather: “I’m sorry but Marlon Brando doesn’t look like a god to me in this one.”

68. Romancing the Stone: “Can’t see how anyone could romance a stone? Well, there’s romance and a stone involved but they tend to seem rather unrelated.”

69. Mommie Dearest: “The mother in this film is anything but.”

70. The Ladykillers: “The lady in this movie is still alive by the end. I wouldn’t say the same for the guys though.”

71. Iron Man: “Doesn’t seem this guy is made of iron or has anything made from iron either.”

72. Gravity: “Most of this movie’s spent in space where everything’s floating. Doesn’t seem to have much gravity at all.”

73. Star Wars: “Nowhere in this movie do I ever see stars actually fighting each other. Really disappoints me because I think a star battle would be awesome.”

74. Adam’s Rib: “So bummed that this movie had nothing to do with a guy’s rib. Was all about a courtroom trial and marital problems.”

75. The Big Chill: “Disappointed that it has nothing to with a snowstorm where at least one of the characters freeze to death. Just about a bunch of guys attending their friend’s funeral.”

76. Baby Doll: “So bummed that this movie had nothing to do with an actual baby doll. Just about a teenage bride.”

77. The African Queen: “Expected this movie to be about an actual queen in Africa. Turns out it’s just the name of a boat that falls apart throughout the movie.”

78. All the King’s Men: “I’m sorry but I was quite disappointed to watch this movie and find out that it had nothing to do with a king of any kind whatsoever.”

79. Chinatown: “Most of the movie doesn’t even take place in Chinatown. It just ends there.”

80. Days of Wine and Roses: “More like Days of Wine and Anything Else with Alcohol in It. Not much roses.”

81. Dead Man Walking: “Was so disappointed that this movie wasn’t a zombie flick.”

82. The Deer Hunter: “Was expecting this movie to be a guy on a deer hunting trip. Well, they hunt a deer but they spend most of the movie as soldiers in Vietnam.”

83. Dirty Harry: “Hate to say this, but Harry looks quite clean throughout the film.”

84. The English Patient: “The only thing that makes this guy English is that he’s played by a guy with an English accent. He’s actually Hungarian.”

85. Giant: “Was so disappointed that I didn’t see a single giant in this movie.”

86. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: “Yes, but this movie also says they’re willing to settle for brunettes.”

87. Goldfinger: “The man may love gold but he doesn’t have any golden fingers at all.”

88. The Great Dictator: “Not sure if I’d call the dictator in this movie great. He seems like a total idiot with delusions of grandeur.”

89. Hannah and Her Sisters: “More like Hannah, Her Sisters, Her Husband, and Ex-Husband. In fact, this movie doesn’t focus much on Hannah at all.”

90. How Green Was My Valley: “Since this movie’s takes place in a coal mining town, I doubt if the valley in question can ever be green.”

91. Fifty Shades of Grey: “Has a lot of gray in it, but I think fifty shades isn’t a correct estimate.”

92. Last Tango in Paris: “Unlike what I expected, it has nothing to do with old people dancing the tango in Paris.”

93. The Leopard: “Not only I’m angry that I didn’t see a single leopard in this movie, I’m also upset that it takes place where you’d never see them in the wild. Not only that, but it has nothing to do with animals ever.”

94. Two Women: “More like One Woman and One Teenage Girl.”

95. The Little Foxes: “Was so upset that this movie had nothing to do with miniature foxes, which I greatly anticipated.”

96. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner: “I’m not sure if this long distance runner is lonely. Seems more like he wants to be left alone.”

97. The Last American Hero: “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Also, he doesn’t really save anyone from a burning building so how can he be considered a hero?”

98. Little Caesar: “Disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with a life of a diminutive Roman Emperor. Instead I get a movie about a 1920s gangster.”

99. Animal House: “Was so upset that this had nothing to do with a house filled with animals, which would’ve been much less dangerous than a bunch of college frat boys.”

100. The Ox-Bow Incident: “So disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with an incident relating to an ox or a bow.”

101. Paint Your Wagon: “Has nothing to do with painting wagons. More like a musical about wife sharing in the Old West.”

102. The Purple Rose of Cairo: “This movie wasn’t set in Cairo where I’m sure they don’t have purple roses either.”

103. The Quiet Man: “The man in this movie seems quite noisy for a man who’s supposed to be silent.”

104. Rain Man: “Sadly, this movie isn’t about a man who can make it rain, which would’ve been awesome.”

105. Saturday Night Fever: “Seems like this guy is perfectly fine to go dancing on a Saturday night. Not sure what kind of sickness he has.”

106. The Snake Pit: “Very disappointed that nobody was thrown into a pit of snakes during this movie.”

107. Spellbound: “Disappointed that this movie didn’t have any wizards or spelling bees.”

108. The 39 Steps: “There might be more than that in this movie. Not sure what they mean by ‘steps’ as by plans, stairs, or paces.”

109. Tootsie: “Unfortunately, contrary to what I’d hope, this movie has nothing to do with making those chocolate caramel candies you give to trick-or-treaters which look like animal turds.”

110. Trainspotting: “Disappointed that this movie had nothing to do people who like watching trains, which I think is a better activity than shooting up heroin.”

111. The War of the Roses: “Unfortunately, I was so disappointed that this movie was about a materialistic and hostile couple getting a divorce instead of a 15th century series of conflicts that brought down the Plantagenets.”

112. The Whales of August: “Expected a movie about the summer lives of whales. Instead I got a movie about two old sisters on vacation.”

113. Wild Strawberries: “Hate to say this, but I’m not sure if wild strawberries are the main focus in this film. Especially since it looks like a Swedish road trip movie and not a fun one at that.”

114. The Hunger Games: “Thought this was a movie about the world of competitive eating. But I was wrong since it’s actually about a dystopian competition in which teenagers fight to the death.”

115. Raging Bulls: “Unfortunately, it’s a boxing movie. Not a film about a very angry bull wreaking havoc wherever he goes.”

116. Back to the Future: “Movie takes place in the present where two characters travel to the past before returning to the present. So I don’t see how future figures into it.”

117. Life Is Beautiful: “Apparently not in this movie.”

118. A Fish Called Wanda: “Yes, there’s a fish called Wanda, but it’s not the biggest focus on the story, which involves humans.”

119. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: “Was so bummed that this movie had nothing to do with how much the underwater sea creatures enjoy baseball.”

120. Brokeback Mountain: “Apparently not a mountain where its climbers suffer debilitating spinal injuries.”

121. Breakfast at Tiffany’s: “Seems like the two leads spend very little time having breakfast. And Audrey Hepburn’s character isn’t named Tiffany.”

122. Bottle Rocket: “Nowhere in this movie do I see anyone making or using a rocket derived from bottles.”

123. Secondhand Lions: “Was so bummed that I didn’t see any lions at all in this movie, old, secondhand, or otherwise. Also doesn’t take place in Africa.”

124. Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai: “So upset that this wasn’t a movie about a samurai and his paranormal canine friends.”

125. The Squid and the Whale: “Too bad that this film is more about a dysfunctional New York family than anything to do ocean life, particularly pertaining to mollusks or marine mammals.”

126. Cinderella Man: “Thought this movie was a gender flipped version of a classic fairy tale. Instead it’s about boxing.”

127. The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing: “Thought this was a wholesome family film about an enthusiast in feline choreography. Instead it’s a revenge story about a man seeking revenge for the rape and murder of his wife which isn’t for kids.”

128. There Be Dragons: “Was expecting a mystical dark fantasy movie with wizards, sorcery kings, and dragons. However, this film features nothing of the sort.”

129. The Ghost and the Darkness: “Thought this was one of those haunted house horror movies you’d see on Halloween. Instead, it’s a film about maneating lions in Africa.”

130. The World’s Fastest Indian: “Disappointed that I didn’t see a single speedy Indian in this film.”

131. The Constant Gardener: “I’m not sure if he likes gardening. But if he does, he doesn’t seem to spend a lot of time on it.”

132. High Noon: “Thought this was a stoner film about tripping during the midday. It’s actually a western about a guy surrounded by chickenshits.

133. Octopussy: “Initially thought it was either a porn involving an octopus or a movie pertaining to an eight headed cat. It’s actually a James Bond film who’s love interest is the title character.”

134. Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx: “Was so disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with Duck Tales or anything to do with ducks in New York.”

135. Riding in Cars with Boys: “Apparently, it doesn’t involve Drew Barrymore spending various time with guys inside automobiles. So disappointing.”

136. Operation Dumbo Drop: “Thought this was a Disney sequel to Dumbo in which he loses the ability to fly at an inopportune moment. So bummed that it wasn’t.”

137. Teaching Mrs. Tingle: “Apparently, I assumed that this was a movie based on a little-known book by either Dr. Seuss or Roald Dahl. It’s actually neither and probably not for younger children.”

138. Quantum of Solace: “Thought this was a movie about a physicist who had to come to turns with his grief. Instead, it turns out to be one of those James Bond movies.”

139. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: “When I heard about this movie, I assumed it was about some high profile LSD drug lord from the 1940s.”

140. They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?: “Was so disappointed by the lack of mass equine slaughter in this movie, which is about a dance competition.”

141. Cloverfield: “Assumed this movie took place in a nice quiet meadow where nothing happens. It’s actually a disaster film.”

142. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: “Thought this was a film about what happens to your pants after dropping it off at the dry cleaner. Actually it’s one about a group of friends sharing a pair of jeans. Not sure which I’d prefer.”

143. There Will Be Blood: “Well, there is but it’s not as much as I hoped for, especially since I was expecting this to be a slasher horror film.”

144. Children of the Corn: “Was disappointed that the children in this movie didn’t have kernel faces or husk hair.”

145. The Green Mile: “Have no idea how such a mile can be green. Also, surprised this movie takes place in a prison.”

146. Birdman of Alcatraz: “Well, he keeps birds and is in Alcatraz. But he doesn’t keep birds at Alcatraz. So why is it called Birdman of Alcatraz?”

147. Wag the Dog: “Hate to say this, but I was bummed that this wasn’t a family friendly flick with a dog in it.”

148. Failure to Launch: “Very peeved that this movie had nothing to do with anything pertaining to launching rockets or a space program. Just a stupid romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.”

149. Herbie: Fully Loaded: “Bummed that this movie had nothing do with being a comedy about a drunk or serial killer named Herbie. Just a movie about a crazy car with Lindsay Lohan.”

150. Free Willy: “I was shocked when I saw such a pornographic could be aired on family friendly TV stations. Then I found out it was G-rated flick about freeing a whale.”

Worst Excuses for Keeping a Confederate Flag

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 22, 2015

Disclaimer: While I am not apologetic in my stance on the Confederate Flag issue and wish for its removal, I understand this post may feature some material bound to offend a significant part of the US population, particularly in the South. And while the Confederate Flag has been taken down at the South Carolina state house, plenty of such flags remain in the area such as in Mississippi. Seriously, the Confederate Flag only belongs in museums, historical sites, Civil War media, and cemeteries. No where else. Nevertheless, I’ve done my research on this. So don’t say that I don’t know my history if the flag offends me. Because I know my history and can completely understand why that flag offends people. Also, anyone offended by the picture should know that I’m not praising the Confederate Flag in any way. In fact, this is an article on me debunking excuses people make on keeping it.

Now in my “Thoughts on Charleston” post, I discussed how the Charleston Church shooting was racially motivated and why it was a problem. I also discussed a bit on why the Confederate Flag needs to be removed. However, while the South Carolina state house agreed to remove the flag from its state legislature, there was a substantial number of white people who weren’t happy about it. In fact, they were quite angry. And this led to a spat between the Klu Klux Klan and the Black Panthers nearby over last weekend. Others may think that we should worry about bigger things other than removing a flag, especially when it comes to stopping terror. However, many of these people either have no idea what this flag really stands for or conveniently ignore that fact. Many tend to keep Confederate Flags just to express their southern pride or love for Southern Rock groups. Some may keep a Confederate Flag thinking it’s a cool symbol of rebelling against authority. And many are quick to defend that the Confederate Flag is a symbol of heritage, not hate. Not to mention, in states like Georgia, Florida, Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina have laws banning the public mutilation, defilement, and cast of contempt on this flag. But such laws were overruled by the US Supreme Court in 1989 and aren’t enforceable anyway. But I’m sure they’re still on the books. However, hate to let ya’ll down, but the Confederate Flag is nothing more than a symbol of white supremacy and history shows this. Always has been, always will be. It’s not hard to figure out the American Civil War was over slavery and a lot of powerful white Southerners were really big fans of it. Nevertheless, I present to you many of worst excuses that people make about keeping the Confederate Flag.

“The Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern heritage and pride.”

While the Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern heritage, it’s one that embodies some of the worst aspects in the history of the American South. Basically it represents a region that split with the country in the name of preserving and expanding an institution where blacks were coerced into a lifetime of involuntary servitude with no rights or compensation. Here is an engraving of a slave auction in Virginia where this mother and daughter are unlikely to see each other again.

Well, if you feel that a Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern pride, then I think you might want to find yourself a better way to express that. But while I agree that the Confederate Flag is a symbol of Southern heritage, but in a way that reflects the worst of what it represents. By this, I mean a time in which the South was run by a wealthy elite who owned large plantations manned by a large underclass of blacks who either were or among descendants of kidnap victims and subjugated under a lifetime of involuntary servitude, which they depended on. And they tend to use a rationale that blacks were lazy and inferior simpletons in order to justify it. Now many of the Northern states on the other hand, had outlawed this notorious institution and was a realm of many anti-slavery activities that these Southern aristocrats didn’t like. This was especially the case since the cotton gin led to an economic boom in the region which made these rich guys even more dependent to keep blacks in a lifetime state of involuntary servitude. Of course, it also explains why Mississippi was home to the most millionaires in 1860. So tensions build up over the years which result in a bunch of political dysfunction and sporadic moments of violence. It soon got to the point that these wealthy elites became so distressed about the North being no fan of enslaving black people, that they decided to split from the country to form their own so they never have to worry about such encroachment again. Of course, the North didn’t like them leaving the country and so commences a bloody 4-year war, which the North won by the way. And the white Southerners were very bitter that this war helped outlaw such practices so they went to great lengths to make sure that blacks could never gain any social, political, or economic power. Of course, they managed to get away with such practices for decades until blacks started demonstrating during the 1950s and 1960s. But it doesn’t stop the white Southerners from romanticizing the days when wealthy plantation owners forced black people to work for them so they didn’t have to abide to certain whitey hiring regulations other than perhaps the occasional overseer. They don’t want to think about the highly unethical implications and human rights violations pertaining to forced black labor as well as other anti-black policies so they conveniently choose to forget that. But still, you get the idea what the Confederate Flag sort of represents.

“The Confederate Flag is a symbol of freedom and states’ rights.”

While Confederate Flag supporters often say that the American Civil War was about states’ rights, moments like the Fugitive Slave Act and the Dred Scott Decision show this wasn’t the case. Sure the South wanted to preserve slavery and their way of life. But they also wanted to expand it into the territories and force the North to return runaway slaves. Since Northern states had banned slavery for quite some time, it didn’t want to comply. Now this is a poster warning free blacks in Boston to be wary of slave catchers and kidnappers who might want to enslave them.

Yes, but this flag represents the Confederacy which split from the Union in 1860-1861, but the “freedom” and “states’ rights” in this pertained to the idea that a white person was free to own slaves who were usually black. Besides, those who think the American Civil War was fought over states’ rights should really look up the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850, which required that all escaped slaves were to be returned to their masters upon capture and that citizens and officials had to cooperate, even in free states. Then there’s the Dred Scott Decision that centered on a black man who tried to sue for his and his family’s freedom on account that his master had died in a free territory. But the Supreme Court denied that request in which Chief Justice Roger Taney said that blacks were, “beings of an inferior order, and altogether unfit to associate with the white race, either in social or political relations, and so far inferior that they had no rights which the white man was bound to respect.” You should also take into account that thanks to the 3/5ths Compromise in the Constitution, the Southern states had a lot of political influence and representation in Congress, but industrialization, urbanization, and immigration would give the North much more political power. Now both the Fugitive Slave Act and the Dred Scott Decision took place before 1860 and were heavily favorable to slave owners in the South. But they also both reveal that the South didn’t just want to keep slavery within their borders (and they were in no position to abandon it either). They wanted to expand it to the territories and force the North to support that institution against their will. Abraham Lincoln and his fellow Republicans opposed both these measures in 1860 which led to the South seceding from the Union after Lincoln’s election to president in 1860. So much for states’ rights.

Dred Scott was a slave who tried to sue the government for his and his family’s freedom on account that he spent time in a free territory. However, the Supreme Court ruled against him on account that blacks weren’t considered US citizens and had no right to sue. Also, the Missouri Compromise of 1850 was declared unconstitutional which carried a designation of free territories in the first place. It has been known as the worst US Supreme court ruling in history. And it’s no surprise that a few of the justices at the time were slave owners.

We should also take into account that documents pertaining to the South’s split from the union because they refused to be in a country that was turning them into second-class citizens and refused to honor one of their most cherished beliefs, that slavery was beneficial to the negro. And it’s very clear that the Confederates weren’t in any way shy about this since the right to own slaves was written into their constitution. Besides, Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens said it himself in his “Cornerstone” speech, “Our new government is founded upon exactly the opposite idea; its foundations are laid, its corner- stone rests, upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery subordination to the superior race is his natural and normal condition. This, our new government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth…” And in Texas’s secession declaration, slavery is mentioned at a whopping 21 times as well as said that governments and states of the nation were established, “exclusively by the white race, for themselves and their posterity,” and this didn’t apply to black people. So to say that the Confederate Flag was a symbol any other freedom than for whites to treat African Americans as property as well as force them to work for them against their will and with no compensation, then that argument is relatively weak. Besides, most historians think that the South played the states’ rights card only when they disagreed with federal policy and only when the rights in question applied to their states.

“My ancestors fought under that flag.”

Southern Unionism was widespread throughout the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Southern Unionists comprised of 25% of Union Forces including my 3rd great-grandfather from East Tennessee and at least 3 of his brothers. This is an engraving of Southern Unionist refugees from Georgia in East Tennessee, a hotbed for Union sympathizers. However, in the “Lost Cause” myth, these people tend to be totally erased.

Are you sure about that? The National Park Service has a database listing American Civil War soldiers and sailors so you can look up your ancestors there. But even if your Civil War ancestors were white and resided in the Confederacy, there’s a substantial chance that they might not have fought for the side you previously thought. Unionism was widespread in the Confederacy during the Civil War (explaining the existence of West Virginia) and 25% of Union soldiers also resided in a secessionist state. So perhaps flying a Confederate Flag at your front porch may not actually be your way to honor the memory of your ancestors than possibly giving them the finger on the cause and country they fought for. This is especially the case if you find out that your 3^rd great-grandfather from Arkansas actually fought for the Army of the Tennessee instead of the Army of Tennessee according to family legend.

Southern Unionists were often targets of violence by Confederates during the American Civil War. This is an engraving of a mass hanging of Southern Unionists in Gainesville, Texas.

Southern Unionists were often targets of violence by Confederates during the American Civil War (mostly for resisting draft laws but many were arrested as well). This is an engraving of a mass hanging of Southern Unionists in Gainesville, Texas. Like black troops, Southern Unionists who also fought for the Union also risked execution upon capture. Sometimes this would lead their families consigned to the not-so-tender mercies of their often unforgiving neighbors. After the Civil War, many Southern Unionists continued to be persecuted for their wartime beliefs after Reconstruction as well as targets of the Klu Klux Klan.

Nevertheless, there are plenty of descendants of Confederate veterans who don’t want anything to do with the Confederate Flag. Of course, many of these sons of Confederate veterans tend to be black and would want no part in honoring what their ancestors fought for. Not surprisingly, these guys were white and most likely owned slaves as well.

These are the official and military flags used by the Confederacy during the American Civil War. Though never used in any official capacity, the Confederate Battle Flag was used as an unofficial emblem of the Confederacy. This was because it was a very recognizable design from long distances.

Even so, the Confederate Flag we know today was actually used as the Battle Flag for the Army of Northern Virginia but the design wouldn’t be incorporated in the official Confederate Flag design until 1863 with the “Stainless Banner” flag as well as in the “Blood-Stained Banner” in 1865. But both these flags have the Confederate Battle insignia in the upper left corner. But before these two flags, there was the “Stars and Bars” flag which had 3 stripes in red and white as well as a blue square with 13 stars. But this would later be disowned since it was too similar to the Union Flag and caused confusion during the 1^st Battle of Bull Run (especially at long distances). So let’s just say if your Confederate ancestors fought under that flag, it was more or less on an unofficial basis. So it’s no surprise why the Confederate Battle Flag has become a widely recognized symbol of the American South since it was the Confederacy’s most recognized flag during most of the war. And the later flag designs both show this. But as far as we know the Confederate Flag was never adopted by the Confederate Congress, was never officially used for Confederate veterans groups, and never flew over state capitols during the Confederacy. So for the descendants of Confederate veterans, I’ll rule this as partially true.

“Even if it is racist, the meaning of words and symbols is relative to the individual.”

The swastika is a good example of how symbols can be interpreted in many different ways. In Jainism, Hinduism, and Buddhism, it’s a sacred and auspicious symbol as well as a good luck charm. But try to explain that to Westerns who link it with Nazism, Anti-Semitism, totalitarianism, racism, hate, and mass slaughter. Of course, the Nazi swastika is turned, but still. Nevertheless, unlike Americans with the Confederate Flag, Asians can still play the culture card for the swastika because they’ve used it way long before it became associated with Nazism.

Yes, words and symbols can mean a variety of different things depending on the individual. But even though you may fly a Confederate Flag showing your love for Lynyrd Skynyrd doesn’t mean that your neighbors would interpret it that way. But most of the time words and symbols carry meanings that stand independently of any individual’s subjective interpretation. Such that it might lead your passionate but non-racist Rebel Flag waving Lynyrd Skynyrd fan to be mistaken for racist or believing that any pursuit of white supremacy isn’t wrong and may be worthy of celebration. This is especially true when a symbol or term has very negative connotations for a certain group of people explaining why many people want the Washington Redskins to change their name. It also explains why nobody in the West no longer uses swastikas for decoration.

“Taking down the Confederate Flag will rewrite history.”

Whenever Confederate Flag supporters complain how removing this banner would rewrite history, what they really mean is that it will change the American Civil War history as they remember it. Of course, it’s no surprise that many of these Confederate Flag supporters believe in the myth of the “Lost Cause” which is a virulently racist and very distorting pseudo-history viewpoint. Of course, Birth of a Nation basically shows the worst of the “Lost Cause” myth and the ideology it supports.

Actually, when we’re talking about taking down the Confederate Flag, it will still be used in a historic capacity such as being displayed in museums and historic sites, Civil War media, and Civil War reenactments. Not sure if displaying them on Confederate Civil War memorials and monuments is acceptable, but I’ll leave it. Let’s just say Confederate Flag removal will only apply to places like government buildings, state and national parks (save Civil War battlefields), public schools and colleges, and other public places. Still, taking down the Confederate Flag may not rewrite history but it will help put the Neo-Confederate “Lost Cause” myth to rest since it was only made up to justify the oppression of African Americans in the South with Jim Crow laws and extralegal violence. I think removing the Confederate Flag might help Americans come to terms with an ugly part of their history, which many tend to ignore. So removing it might rewrite history to an extent, but only in a way that brings down the “Lost Cause” myth which continues to be influential in media and in schools despite that it’s a major distortion of history used to serve a very racist political agenda. And sometimes historic distortions need to be corrected by removing symbols of hate from where they don’t belong.

“Even if it is racist, meanings of words and symbols can change over time.”

It’s illegal in Germany to wave a Nazi flag. But it’s a perfect illustration of how once symbols acquire a negative interpretation to them, it usually stays that way. And the fact people still make excuses of keeping the Confederate Flag just makes it more disturbing. Nevertheless, an American keeping a Confederate Flag is certainly equivalent to a German keeping a Nazi one.

They may but if a symbol acquires a highly negative meaning, it tends to stay that way. And at its most benign, it’s been used by the historically-ignorant without being fully cognizant of its implications. But whether it represented a defunct government whose reason for existence was to preserve slavery or as a symbolic embodiment of the so-called “Lost Cause” myth, you can’t take pride in such a flag without tacitly endorsing a racist view or being remarkably clueless. Even if your ancestors fought for the Confederacy. And since the American Civil War, Southern whites tended to use the Neo-Confederate “Lost Cause” myth as their history just to enact Jim Crow laws as well as keep black people from any form of social, political, or economic power. The Confederate Flag is an artifact from that history as the “Lost Cause” myth continues to be propagated by Sons of the Confederate Veterans as well as United Daughters of the Confederacy. However, these two organizations as well as other historical societies tend to be among the more mild offenders.

FILE – “In this April 14, 1964 black-and-white file photo, a man holds a Confederate flag at right, as demonstrators, including one carrying a sign saying: “More than 300,000 Negroes are Denied Vote in Ala”, demonstrate in front of an Indianapolis hotel where then-Alabama Governor George Wallace was staying.” The Confederate Flag enjoyed a resurgence of popularity after World War II, particularly to white supremacists who saw the rising Civil Rights Movement as a threat. Let’s just say white segregationists’ use of the Confederate Flag was no accident.

Yet, after World War II, the Confederate Flag enjoyed a resurgence of popularity in the South used by segregationist whites to protest integration especially with the ruling of Brown v. Board of Education which declared school segregation unconstitutional. Southern states tended to use the Confederate Flag in their public pageantry during the Civil Rights Movement with the South Carolina raising flag at their state capitol in 1961. Two notable groups who used this as a symbol were the Dixiecrats and the Klu Klux Klan, both noted for white supremacy and opposition to the Civil Rights Movement. As Southern historian Gordon Rhea said: “It is no accident that Confederate symbols have been the mainstay of white supremacist organizations, from the Ku Klux Klan to the skinheads. They did not appropriate the Confederate battle flag simply because it was pretty. They picked it because it was the flag of a nation dedicated to their ideals: ‘that the negro is not equal to the white man’. The Confederate flag, we are told, represents heritage, not hate. But why should we celebrate a heritage grounded in hate, a heritage whose self-avowed reason for existence was the exploitation and debasement of a sizeable segment of its population?”

“Just because I keep a Confederate Flag doesn’t mean I’m racist.”

I’m not saying that Confederate Flag supporters are racists. It’s just that I find it a hard time to consider them not to be when I see them waving a flag that’s clearly a symbol for white supremacy by any means necessary. Seriously, this flag has been used to justify racist policies in the South, opposition to the Civil Rights Movement, and extralegal violence against African Americans. So I don’t think Confederate Flag supporters are helping their case.

Maybe, but as I said time words and symbols carry meanings that stand independently of any individual’s subjective interpretation. Just ask any Asian Hindu and Buddhist who’s denied Anti-Semitism while wearing a swastika T-shirt. You may not see yourself as a racist, but try convincing your cringing black neighbors that whenever they see the Confederate Flag flying outside your porch. Sure you might fly it in the name of southern pride or that you’re a fan of Lynyrd Skynyrd. But most of the African American community and others identify it as a symbol of white supremacy, as well as political repression and violence against blacks. Many people also identify it as a symbol of treason in which a power elite of rich white guys seceded from the union in order to preserve a way of life that benefited no one but themselves as well as subjugated 40% the region’s population to a lifetime of involuntary servitude and a legal designation of property.

“The Confederate Flag has nothing to do with racism.”

Uh, yes, the Confederate Flag has everything to do with racism. In fact, it’s been always used as a symbol of racism from the moment of its inception. In fact, the guy who designed it said it himself and he certainly wasn’t in the closet about his white supremacy.

Really? But even in the antebellum American South, most Southern whites didn’t own slaves either. But most of them supported slavery anyway and a lot of them fought for the Confederacy. In the Antebellum South, white supremacy was accepted by almost all white Southerners of all classes which made slavery seem natural, legitimate, and essential for a civilized society. The whole Old South had a system of preserving slavery with elaborate codes of speech, behavior, or practices illustrating the subordination of blacks to whites. Southern whites serving on “slave patrols” and “overseers” were offered positions of power and honor. Such positions gave poor white Southerners the authority to stop, search, whip, maim, and even kill any slave traveling outside their plantation. “Slave patrols” were institutions bringing Southern whites of all classes in support of the prevailing economic and racial order. Oh, and policing and punishing slaves who transgressed the regimentation of slave society at the time was seen as community service. Not to mention, there was a constant fear of free blacks threatening law and order in the Old South as well. Also, there was no secret ballot so a poorer white guy voting against the wishes of the establishment ran the chance of facing social ostracism. Many Southern whites were linked to extensive kinship networks and/or depended on white Southern planters economically. Then there’s the fact many non-slaveholders perceived the possibility of owning slaves one day with the opening of the territories and how slavery gave poor whites some sense that they weren’t at the bottom of the Southern plantation society. So how could the Confederate Flag have nothing to do with racism, then how could it represent a society built around the idea of white supremacy?

“The Confederate Flag doesn’t represent hate and violence.”

For over a century, the Confederate Flag has has stood for the idea that African Americans are less-than-equal members of the political community and that using any illegal violence against their interest is justified and that it’s noble to fight and die for the purpose of enslaving black people even if it means betraying the country. White supremacist organizations like the Klu Klux Klan have been known to use these flags as their symbols. Since it has inspired acts of violence such as lynchings and terrorism toward African Americans, its use is no accident. Still, if the Confederate Flag isn’t a symbol of hate and violence, then I don’t know what is.

Seriously? Uh, for over a century it has inspired Southern whites to systematically discriminate and commit violence against African Americans. In fact, Southern whites split from the country and started a war because they so strongly viewed that blacks were inferior to human beings and should be put in their place through any means necessary (even though a significant number of white Southerners wanted no such thing like my Tennessee ancestors). For over a century, the Confederate Flag has stood for the idea that African Americans are less-than-equal members of the political community and that using any illegal violence against their interest is justified and that it’s noble to fight and die for the purpose of enslaving black people even if it means betraying the country. Such violence has involved hate crimes like lynchings and acts of terror by groups like the Klu Klux Klan and white supremacist groups. And for a long time Southern whites got away with it because the legal system always ruled in favor of white interests that African Americans would be put in jail for even the most trivial offenses. Nevertheless, if the Confederate Flag doesn’t represent hate and violence, then I don’t know what does.

“The Confederate Flag is a symbol of the proud, distinctive heritage and gentility of the Old South.”

Contrary to the images of elegant plantations, happy slaves, proper Southern gentlemen, and beautiful Southern belles, life in the Old South wasn’t the kind of society people imagine it. The Old South consisted of a society built on white supremacy, slavery, and rule of a rich wealthy elite wanting to preserve a way of life that benefited no one but themselves. Anyone who wasn’t rich or white meant politically nothing.

Really? What the Confederate Flag symbolizes of the Old South is a heritage that’s distinctive all right. But it’s not genteel in any way and not something for Southerners to be proud of. The heritage the Confederate Flag symbolizes is an ugly one in which society is controlled by a wealthy slave owning elite with whites of all classes united under a doctrine of white supremacy and economic dependency. It represents the idea of blacks being inferior and should be kept in their place by any means necessary. It represents poorer whites who accepted the status quo that was against their own interests under the threat of social ostracism. Not to mention, education was only available to those who could afford it and many poor whites made less than their Northern counterparts. But they embraced racism since their skin color gave them more rights and opportunities than even the most well-off free blacks who had no civil rights (and it didn’t help that most free blacks were very poor and marginalized). Not to mention, the unrealistic prospect that they can be part of the white Southern elite if they can work hard enough. But nevertheless, the Old South was a society that worked mainly in the interests of the white rich guys who ran it. And by the eve of the Civil War, that wealth would be more concentrated. Thus, the kind of society of the Old South was based on the notion of slaves and land being status symbols, concentration of wealth and power at the hands of a few rich white guys, the idea that blacks were property and inferior to whites, and that unless you were a rich white guy who owned a plantation, you meant politically nothing.

“The cry to take the Confederate Flag down is unjustified.”

During the Jim Crow Era, it wasn’t uncommon for blacks to be targets for lynchings, especially in the South. These were meant to keep black people in their place as an act of terror and intimidation. And yes, the Confederate Flag was used to justify this since it was seen as the emblem for the notoriously racist myth of the “Lost Cause.” If this horrific scene doesn’t justify calls to remove the Confederate Flag, then I don’t know what does.

Seriously? Sure many whites think the Confederate flag is a symbol of Southern pride and heritage, which has been hijacked by white supremacist groups. But as history tells us, there was never a time in which the Confederate flag was used to represent anything other than the right for whites to subjugate black people and perpetuate slavery. And when slavery was outlawed, it was used as a banner for white supremacy through any means whether it meant instilling Jim Crow laws, acts of extralegal terror, or opposing the Civil Rights Movement. It’s no wonder why so many people think it’s a racist symbol, particularly most African Americans who’ve seen it as nothing but a symbol of oppression and terror. The sheer presence and endorsement of such a flag by state governments promotes the idea that black lives don’t matter under any circumstance. And it doesn’t help that many Southern states have enacted laws that work against the best interests of the poor and minorities, particularly Voter ID laws, regressive taxes, welfare drug tests, right to work laws, and Stand Your Ground. So I’m sure that there’s nothing unjustified about removing a symbol that has denoted nothing more than white supremacy. This is especially if such ideas kept you from exercising your constitutional rights or in a system in which the odds of receiving justice weren’t in your favor.

“If the Confederate Flag was used as a national flag, then how could it represent slavery and racism?”

In his “Cornerstone Speech,” Confederate Vice President Alexander Stephens declared that African slavery was the “immediate cause” of secession and that the Confederate Constitution had put to rest, “agitating questions” as to the “proper status of the negro in our form of civilization.” Naturally the Article 1 Section 9 (4) in the Confederate Constitution says: “No bill of attainder, ex post facto law, or law denying or impairing the right of property in negro slaves shall be passed.” So the chief and immediate cause of the American Civil War was slavery. As Alex Stephens said it himself. Ironically, he was also friends with a little-known Illinois politician named Abraham Lincoln.

First off, the Confederate Flag we know was officially used as a Battle flag and was only a national flag in an unofficial capacity. Secondly, preservation and expansion of slavery was the most important reason why the South seceded from the Union to form the Confederacy in the first place. Slavery was even called “the cornerstone of the Confederacy” for God’s sake. And obviously, you can’t enslave blacks without having some justification that it’s perfectly fine to do so. Thus, that’s where racism and white supremacy kick in, especially when it comes to getting poorer whites to accept and defend the status quo even if it’s not in their best interests to do so.

“The Confederate Flag is a quaint historical artifact and a memorial to those who’ve fought gallantly and bravely (even in a service of a cause no longer considered virtuous).”

Had the Confederate Flag been confined to be used for educational, historical, and memorial purposes, it would’ve remained a quaint artifact of history. Unfortunately, white Southerners who supported the Confederate cause never got over racism or losing the Civil War. So instead they made the Confederate Flag an emblem for the “Lost Cause” myth which they used to justify the systematic discrimination and violence against African Americans for decades.

Now I am not against anyone honoring their ancestors for their gallantry and bravery, even if it wasn’t on the right side or in service of a cause I wouldn’t consider virtuous. However, if the Confederate Flag was just used as a quaint historical artifact and memorial only shown in museums, historical societies, soldiers’ reunions, or soldiers’ graves, then I’d have little to no problem with it. Unfortunately, people don’t always learn their lessons and even when slavery was outlawed in the US, the virulent ideas of white supremacy remained, especially in the South. We know this because many Southern whites were so vehemently opposed to Reconstruction policies that they’d commit acts of terror to make sure African Americans didn’t exercise their rights. And when these guys returned to power, they passed significant legislation to segregate, disenfranchise, as well as deny them any kind of opportunity for advancement. They also justified such actions through an ideology known as the “Lost Cause” which painted blacks as loyal, benevolent, and subservient slaves to their masters as well as claimed that the American Civil War was fought over states’ rights, not slavery. It also reinforced notions that Jim Crow laws were a proper solution to Reconstruction racial tensions, Confederate soldiers were good, Union soldiers were bad, the Klu Klux Klan were heroic vigilantes, Robert E. Lee was an infallible icon, African American freedom and political power was bad, and any violence committed against blacks was justified no matter how illegal. The Confederate Flag was often seen as a symbol for the “Lost Cause” which promoted such ideas as well as remained an influential narrative of the Civil War for years since it was a history that many white Southerners were comfortable with. Plus, most textbook companies usually cater to Texas anyway. But the “Lost Cause” mythology’s key characteristic was the use of white supremacy as a means to an end. So while the Confederate Flag may be seen as historic artifact by some to honor Confederate soldiers, it’s also been used for far more sinister purposes such as oppressing black people for decades.

“Slavery and racism wasn’t just limited to the Old South.”

Yes, slavery existed in the North as well as the South during the Colonial and Revolutionary Eras. And I’m aware racism in the North has existed as well. However, between 1777 to 1804, Northern states have taken steps to outlaw the practice, though most took gradual steps.

Yes, I’m well aware that slavery and racism have existed in the North as well as still does to a certain extent. And yes, I know that doesn’t get much attention in the history books as it should (but you can say the same for a lot of stuff in American history, unfortunately). But most of the racism in the North had more to do with economics, political representation, and housing combined with the fact that they were viewed as inferior because they looked different from everyone else. But the racism was nonetheless destructive, systematic, and pervasive as anyone would know from the life of Malcolm X. And yes, white supremacy terrorism, lynchings, and other extralegal violence did take place there, too. Still, while the North had segregation, too, African Americans had more political rights and economic opportunities than they would’ve in the South (for instance, the right to vote). You can also say the same for the West as well (where the African American population has been way underrepresented in western movies).

While slavery was practiced in the North during the Colonial Era and the American Revolution, it was never as widely practiced or seen as anything economically important as in the South. This chart shows the right and restrictions of Northern slaves.

However, while the North isn’t completely innocent of racial injustices either (as I can testify), it was never to the extent that they saw slavery as a cornerstone to the social order which must be preserved by any means necessary. In fact, between 1777 to 1804, every state north of the Ohio River and the Mason-Dixon Line have passed anti-slavery laws and constitutions though for many it was a gradual process. But this didn’t mean the North didn’t have any economic interests in slavery or that Northern free blacks were treated equal to whites prior to the Civil War, which was certainly not the case. Nor did it mean that all of the abolitionists weren’t racist for that wasn’t the case either (with a notable exceptions of Frederick Douglass and John Brown). It wasn’t uncommon for Northerners to oppose slavery due to the view that it was incompatible with free labor.

John C. Calhoun was an influential politician during the Antebellum Era as well as one of the most terrible who ever lived. His most important contributions are ideas that states can declare federal laws null and void that they believed unconstitutional as well as the notion of slavery being a positive good. Such views would be influential in South’s escalating threats of and eventual secession.

The South, on the other hand, had an economic system that depended on slavery that they developed a militant pro-slavery ideology that Southerners responded waged vitriolic responses to political change in the North, especially when it came to slavery in the territories and runaways in the North. The fact Abraham Lincoln came from a party opposed to slavery expansion led several southern states to secede from the Union. When slavery was outlawed, white Southerners weren’t at all happy that they did whatever it took to return to power and do whatever it took to make sure African Americans didn’t exercise their political or economic rights. When African Americans tried to defy them, Southern whites responded with terrorism and violence as long as they could get away with it. And despite the strides blacks took during the Civil Rights Movement, it’s still the case in many ways but in a different form. Yes, the North isn’t above committing racial injustices. But racism was never so ingrained or central in Northern society that it would be willing to divide the country over the right to subjugate a group of people into a lifetime of involuntary servitude due to the color of their skin.

“But slavery existed in America long before the Confederate Flag.”

Yes, the US had slavery long before the Confederate Flag. But the United States was founded on the ideas of life, liberty, equality, and the pursuit of happiness. And it was these ideas that helped influence the Abolitionist Movement dedicated to outlaw slavery throughout the Union during the Antebellum years. Did they think black people were equal? No, but that’s beside the point.

Yes, but the United States wasn’t founded on the idea of preserving or expanding an institution dedicated to subjugating black people to a lifetime of involuntary servitude. Sure many of the Founding Fathers owned slaves and held racist views. But as any school child knows, the US was founded as nation based on the ideas of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as well as that “all men are created equal.” Many of our Founding Fathers may not have believed it in the strictest sense but such ideas have inspired a spirit present in movements related to abolitionism, feminism, civil rights, organized labor, LGBT rights, and other social reforms. Sure there may be Americans who have funny ideas about liberty but in some ways, these ideals have inspired a lot of positive things in this country. And it’s these ideals that have helped made the US flag such a sacred symbol of our nation that embodies them. On the other hand, the Confederacy was founded on preserving and expanding an institution that denied blacks any recognition of humanity and justified even illegal violence to keep it that way.

“But the Confederate Flag is on the state flag of Mississippi.”

This is the state flag of Mississippi. The Confederate Flag square on the top left represents states longing for a time in their history when they were the state with the most millionaires. Of course, knowing Mississippi you can guess why. Not surprisingly, it has been this state’s flag since 1894 so it was adopted by an all-white legislature bent on making sure that blacks have no economic or political power.

Yes, but that’s a problem for the state government of Mississippi to sort out. But if you want to show your love for Mississippi then I see no reason for you to fly it (but I recommend that you put on a disclaimer). Just remember that the Confederate Battle Flag was put on it in 1894 at a time when the state’s black residents were denied political rights and economic opportunities thanks to white supremacists politicians.

“The Confederate Flag is a symbol of resistance against an oppressive authority.”

While Confederate Flag supporters tend to argue that the South seceded due to Northern economic and cultural aggression, it’s really not the case. In fact, it had more to do with the fact that the North didn’t want to cooperate or expand slavery and had successfully retaliated by electing Abraham Lincoln as president in 1860. This shows the caning of Massachusetts US Senator Charles Sumner by South Carolina US Congressman Preston Brooks in the Senate chamber. Yes, the South was usually the aggressor when it came to the years leading up to the American Civil War.

People tend to use the Confederate Flag thinking it a symbol of rebellion and sticking it to the man, thanks to the “Lost Cause” ideology that painted the North as an oppressive authority that just steamrolled them with superior resources and manpower (even though these weren’t the only reasons the North beat the South). And that the South split from the Union over Northern economic and cultural aggression over the Southern way of life. But contrary to popular belief, both North and South supported states’ rights only when it was convenient to do so. This is especially true with slavery an institution they not only wanted to protect but also expand and didn’t give a shit what the North thought about it as long as the area didn’t become powerful enough to overtake their influence on the federal government. As Brooks Adams noted: “Between the slave power and states’ rights there was no necessary connection. The slave power, when in control, was a centralizing influence, and all the most considerable encroachments on states’ rights were its acts. The acquisition and admission of Louisiana; the Embargo; the War of 1812; the annexation of Texas “by joint resolution” [rather than treaty]; the war with Mexico, declared by the mere announcement of President Polk; the Fugitive Slave Law; the Dred Scott decision — all triumphs of the slave power — did far more than either tariffs or internal improvements, which in their origin were also southern measures, to destroy the very memory of states’ rights as they existed in 1789. Whenever a question arose of extending or protecting slavery, the slaveholders became friends of centralized power, and used that dangerous weapon with a kind of frenzy. Slavery in fact required centralization in order to maintain and protect itself, but it required to control the centralized machine; it needed despotic principles of government, but it needed them exclusively for its own use. Thus, in truth, states’ rights were the protection of the free states, and as a matter of fact, during the domination of the slave power, Massachusetts appealed to this protecting principle as often and almost as loudly as South Carolina.”

Whenever it came to states’ rights in the years leading up to the American Civil War, it was only Southern states’ rights that the South really cared about. To them, infringing their northern neighbors’ rights not to support slavery was fair game to them. This was demonstrated with their support for the Fugitive Slave Act and the Dred Scott Decision. As with any states’ rights proponent, Southerners only supported states’ rights when it suited them, particularly on policies they didn’t like.

Historian William C. Davis explained the Confederate Constitution’s protection at the national level as: “To the old Union they had said that the Federal power had no authority to interfere with slavery issues in a state. To their new nation they would declare that the state had no power to interfere with a federal protection of slavery. Of all the many testimonials to the fact that slavery, and not states’ rights, really lay at the heart of their movement, this was the most eloquent of all.” So the kind of “economic and cultural aggression” the South was rebelling against was that the North simply didn’t want the Southern way of life encroaching on their states’ rights. In fact, the South wanted to remain dominant in the federal government in order to protect and expand slavery. When they failed to maintain dominance of the federal government through democratic means (as demonstrated by Abraham Lincoln’s election as president), they sought other means such as military aggression by right of force and coercion. Thus, the Civil War occurred. Nevertheless, who was the aggressor in the Civil War is very hard to say, but in the decades leading up to it, I’m certain it wasn’t the North.

“But you see many black people with a Confederate Flag. So how can it be racist?”

Now Confederate Flag defenders love to show black people with the banner they love to prove it’s not racist. However, symbols and words can carry a different meaning than what the individual intends. Such actions don’t disprove the Confederate Flag as a racist symbol regardless of the individual’s race or ethnicity. In fact, most African Americans view the Confederate Flag as racist. So sorry, Kanye West.

Like I said, symbols and words can carry meanings that stand independently of any individual’s subjective interpretation. There may be African Americans who may not think the Confederate Flag is a racist symbol. But this doesn’t mean that all blacks share this view. In fact, most blacks usually link the Confederate Flag to white supremacy as well as anti-black suppression and terrorism. And history shows that they have a compelling reason to believe this since the “Lost Cause” myth as well as its use by politicians

“But various Southern Rock groups used the Confederate Flag like Lynyrd Skynyrd.”

Since the 1960s and 1970s, many Southern Rock bands have used Confederate Flag imagery. Lynyrd Skynyrd is the most famous among them. However, since 2012, the band has stopped using the flag on their albums and promotional materials due to racist connotations. Same goes for Wal Mart and NASCAR in recent years.

Yes, but Lynyrd Skynyrd has distanced themselves from that symbol since 2012 and has stopped using the flag on their albums and promotional materials. This was over the racist connotations. And since the Charleston shooting, it has been dropped by various retailers, flag manufacturers, and NASCAR.

“The Civil War’s been over for 150 years so why waste our time over arguing about the Confederate Flag?”

As long as people revere and celebrate the Confederate Flag, then they shall carry the banner of a heritage that embodies nothing but the worst of their history. The Confederate Flag is nothing but a white supremacist symbol that advocates racism, hate, and violence against African Americans. It always has been and always will. We need to take it down for good.

Yes, slavery may be over. But the racism is still alive and well which affects those victimized by it whether it be through violence or the system. Blacks still find themselves discriminated against, undervalued, and negatively stereotyped, especially in the South. And whenever African Americans demonstrated in Ferguson and Baltimore over unlawful police killings saying “Black Lives Matter,” there were plenty of whites who saw them as nothing but disrespectful thugs (which may be true for some but that’s beside the point). White supremacy groups still remain in this country and they still do terrible things. Even though many may not be violent or perhaps racist, many still display the Confederate Flag believing it represents something that it doesn’t. And we still have Americans still expressing reverence for the “Lost Cause” myth which is still taught in American schools, especially since textbook companies still cater to Texas. But if we didn’t have slavery, the Civil War, and Martin Luther King Day, then I’m sure that much of African American history would be ignored in the classroom. Not to mention, when it comes to antebellum slavery, schoolchildren are more likely to read Uncle Tom’s Cabin than The Autobiography of Frederick Douglass: American Slave. Not only that, but the “Lost Cause” myth also distorts the American Civil War that paints a picture of the conflict which had nothing to do with the reality.

Fun with Garden Gnomes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 19, 2015

Perhaps, no tacky garden artwork gets as much notoriety as the garden gnome. Sure they don’t look like figures of the ideal human form. Rather they tend to be little Santa Clauses with boots, pants, blue tunic, and a red cone hat. But somehow people seem to like them enough that they’ve become icons of their own for some reason or another. Now a gnome is a mythological creature spirit introduced by Paracelsus in the 16th century as a spirit of Renaissance alchemy and magic. They are typically said to be small, humanoid creatures that tend to live underground. Sometimes it’s said that they’re willing to help out the garden at night. Yet, they didn’t become the lawn ornaments we know today until the 19th century and didn’t take their present form until after WWII as inspired by Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nevertheless, they’re often the target of pranks in which people would “kidnap” the gnome and “return it to the wild” with Italy having a Garden Gnome Liberation Front. There are also instances in which garden gnomes have been “kidnapped” and sent on trips around the world which formed the basis of “Where’s My Gnome?” series of ads for Travelocity starting in 2008. And it’s the reason why we have the Travelocity Gnome. Still, in 2008, they arrested a guy in France for stealing 170 of these things. There is even a gnome reserve in England, home to over 2,000 gnomes and was mentioned in the Guinness Book of World Records. Nevertheless, there are plenty of garden gnomes out there in all different varieties that you might find amusing. Some may seem a bit adult while others are derived from pop culture. So for your reading pleasure, here I welcome you to look at all the different varieties of kitschy garden gnomes.

1. Walter Sobchak Gnome isn’t happy whenever one is over the line.

You think that garden gnomes were supposed to be rather docile and pleasant. However, Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski was anything but. So I think it’s ironic that there’s a garden gnome of him. Expect him to pull out his gun and rant about his time in Nam.

2. It seems that purple macdaddy gnome seems to make it his business with all his garden hos.

“You want manic pixie dream girls and water sprites? Well, I got them bitches with me on fairy dust. Oh, I’m sure they’re clean but you might want to use protection.”

3. Of course, this gnome is off to the beach in his green mankini.

Let’s just say, I wonder if Sacha Baron Cohen regrets setting off this male swimsuit trend when he wore the thing in Borat. Yeah, not the kind of swimsuit I’d want any man to wear.

4. This hippie gnome really gets into his tie dye, man.

Not sure if the cone hat goes with the tie dye. But with the glasses and his beard, I’m sure he’d fit in at any music festival quite nicely. Still, I’d stay out of the 1969 Woodstock festival if I were him.

5. In Florida, this gnome always knows that the beach with the lawn flamingos is where it’s at.

Of course, I’m sure if this gnome were a regular sized guy, he’d just blend in. Well, if he lost the cone hat. Still, embodies a lot about what people say about Florida which is a silly place.

6. This gnome only wishes that your garden be filled with peace, love, and rock & roll.

Of course, I’m sure he’s on some kind of weird grass in the yard. Probably the kind of gnome you’d want for your marijuana garden. Still, the cone hat really stands out for him.

7. Of course, gnomes tend to be human like the rest of us with some having less misgivings than others.

Sure it’s nice that they love each other and keep the spark alive. But I think they really need to take it somewhere else. I mean you don’t want to freak out the neighbors.

8. Seems like a gnome zombie plague has infected the garden lately.

And it seems that zombies are partial to the dark meat since it’s well known what happens to black guys in horror movies. Of course, I’m sure black gnomes are no different.

9. Of course, while gnomes are often benign in the garden, sometimes this isn’t the case. So be prepared.

Yeah, you should always beware of the gnome carrying an ax behind his back. But you should defend yourself before these murderous lawn warriors strike.

10. Nevertheless, even gnomes tend to prefer the convenience of a flush toilet as well as a bit of light reading while on the john.

Still, I wonder if that book he’s reading has another purpose. Because I don’t see a roll of toilet paper anywhere in this.

11. “All we are saying, is give weeds a chance.”

Not sure why he has a bird on his guitar or why he’s on the bird feeder. Either way, he seems quite groovy, man.

12. Of course, these skeleton gnomes tend to make great Halloween lawn decor.

Of course, they’re so thin that they don’t have any skin on them. Yet, I love whatever’s holding that basket, by the way. Quite clever.

13. Seems like this stoner gnome really enjoys lounging around and smoking his grass.

Of course, he’ll probably feel right at home wherever it’s legal. Yet, if it’s not, you should probably just let him smoke his joint in the bushes. Not sure about that tunic though.

14. Seems like this nerdy gnome is really into D & D and larping.

Of course, he’s also a Trekkie and has an atom on his shirt. Seems like he’s on a quest to attend the legendary festival of Comic Con. That, or he’s probably wanting to attend a nerd convention nearby.

15. Seems like Leather Daddy gnome really enjoys watering his garden.

Of course, you really don’t want to look at him from behind. Yeah, he sometimes tends to let it all hang out where the sun isn’t supposed to shine. Not sure why.

16. Seems like these hairy cons just broke out of the Big Greenhouse.

And it seems they’ve taken some animals with them for sustenance. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if they have any idea of how to get over that fence.

17. Of course, Gnome Elvis will always make your garden party a smash, even if he’s just an impersonator.

Of course, I’m sure all the qualudes and peanut butter and banana sandwiches will catch up to him somehow. Still, I’m sure that cone goes great with that polyester jumpsuit. Still, that look seems like Elvis from the Vegas years.

18. For those who want super protection for their gardens, perhaps they should try a superhero gnome.

Now these consist of Super Gnome, Bat Gnome and Captain Americgnome. Still, I have to warn you that while they may guarantee protection, they’re also known to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

19. Beware the vampire gnome with his red eyes and fangs, especially when lurking among the tall grass and leaves.

Of course, he may look nice during the daytime. But when it gets dark, he won’t hesitate to bite anyone’s neck to suck their blood. Yes, this is one scary gnome, indeed.

20. Of course, this gnome rider’s ride tends to travel at a snail’s pace these days.

Yet, this should surprise nobody these days since he’s riding a snail. However, he should watch out for any form of salt if he wants his snail ride to last for a long time.

21. “Gnome, Gnome on the range….”

Of course, I’m not sure if he’s a cowboy gnome or a rancher gnome. Then again, despite being in cowboy clothes, I’m not sure if he even works with cows. Because if he don’t have cows, then he’s no cowboy.

22. Of course, what better way to protect your lawn and garden than with Wonder Gnomeman.

Unlike Wonder Woman, at least she doesn’t wear skimpy outfits to kick ass. Also, she loves flowers, too. And she has a nice yellow cone hat.

23. Even gnomes must dress for business while at their jobs in the corporate marketplace.

Nevertheless, you have to love how their cone hats go with their gray suits. Yet, I’m sure their workplace dress codes would want them to lose the hats and shave. Also like how they’re on their cell phones.

24. Of course, you best be on your back if you don’t want to mess with the Gnome Manchu.

Of course, the Fu Manchu isn’t a great Asian stereotype. But I found his long mustache so funny that I couldn’t resist leaving this one out.

25. “You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life/See that gnome, watch him, diggin’ the Dancing Gnome.”

Of course, while the Swedish group was a great success in the 1970s, they split in the 1980s due to internal strife. Still, I’m sure they’d be remembered for all those pop hits which formed the soundtrack for Mamma Mia!.

26. Of course, you’ll need a metal detector gnome in case a vandal plants a landmine in your yard.

Then again, he could just be looking for treasure. Of course, he should realize that certain electric and water systems may also be underground, too. Don’t want to make a mistake there.

27. Let’s just say whoever thought you can look gangster in a white beard and cone hat?

As they say, “I didn’t choose the gnome life. Gnome life chose me.” Yes, and I’m sure it’s a rough time in the inner gardens with high crime and shrooms to be exact.

28. Of course, no gnome could say no to the one and only Big Bad Bertha.

I’m sure what she lacks in moral propriety she makes up for in helping girls develop a positive body image. Still, not sure if this makes my post unsafe for work or what.

29. Of course, we can’t forget about the hit HBO TV show Game of Gnomes.

Let’s just say that if that’s a depiction of the Sean Bean character, my guess is that he’ll be dead within a year. Still, I really like the throne and the shovel he’s holding. But I’m sure you don’t want to go into his garden, especially during weddings.

30. For those concerned Jews out there, I’m sure Shalom Gnome will make your garden kosher.

Of course, this is probably the most Jewed out gnome out there. He even has a Star of David with a Hebrew inscription on his belt for God’s sake. Don’t give him pork or shellfish though.

31. And you thought gnomes enjoyed the sound of flutes and nature sounds. But not always.

Hear they play at the garden club circuit on Friday nights as well as jam at the recording studio during regular business hours. Still, there have been rumors that their lead singer was arrested for shroom possession. Drummer was also busted for weed and grass as well.

32. Of course, you should never mess with a garden gnome armed with an AK-47.

Now I’m sure you want to get off his lawn at the sight of him. Then again, he’s small so I’m sure the ammo wouldn’t hurt much anyway.

33. When it comes to swimming, some gnomes just want to let it all hang out.

Unless he’s planning to visit a nude beach, I’m sure he’ll have a hard time swimming in an area where nobody’s watching him. Also, kind of wish he’d at least wear some pants.

34. Seems like this gnome is really enjoying himself during his island getaway in Hawaii.

Of course, I’m sure he’s bound to make the Travelocity Roaming Gnome jealous. Still, if he has more Margaritas, he’ll soon be searching for his lost shaker of salt.

35. Of course, there’s always that gnome who tends to travel with a dark passenger and have a thirst to kill.

I’m sure nobody wants to mess with the Dexter gnome if he’s in your garden. Still, he tends to kill his victims on the cutting board, which is fittingly enough. Nevertheless, he uses much less plastic than the one on TV.

36. Seems like even the gnomes want to take pictures of themselves these days.

Still, being a classic gnome, I doubt if he’d be recognized on Instagram among the others. Also, I wonder where he got that smart phone.

37. Of course, some gnomes don’t know when they have had way too many.

Seems like all that hard tree sap can get to them if they’ve had enough. Guess it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie even if their butt cracks are showing.

38. Now this meditating gnome is a true Zen master of the highest degree.

It’s said he’d sit there meditating for so long that the birds would perch in his beard. Guess he’d have to clean it when he’s done since the bird might leave him an unpleasant surprise.

39. Of course, this gnome looks as black as a tar baby.

I don’t know about you, but I think there’s something a bit racist about this gnome. I’m not sure what. Could it be because it looks painted in blackface and is drinking booze? Yeah, that’s probably it.

40. Seems like somebody either forgot to put sunscreen or has caught too many UV rays.

Now that’s a terrible sunburn. Guess taking a nap on the beach isn’t really a good idea for the fair skinned. Not sure about covering your eyes with blueberries.

41. Seems like this garden gnome really enjoys doing the hula in a grass skirt.

Then again, he seems like he’s been on too many island spirits or possibly trying to do the Macarena. Hope that he doesn’t show what’s under his skirt because I’m afraid to look.

42. Seems like this gnome and his old lady were meant to spend their lives on the open road.

Funny how they have gnomes for bikers these days. They seem like they’re the people you’d least expect to be in this type of tacky lawn decoration. Still, hope these 2 don’t belong in a gang.

43. Now this little gnome wish all you to feel the Pittsburgh steel.

For some reason the molten steel he’s pouring seems to resemble Cheez Whiz. Still, you’d find that a lot of college and pro sports teams have their own collectible gnome like this one for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

44. Seems like someone has to bend over to get a temperature.

I’m sure she’s taking his temperature because this display looks older. Then again, there could be something kinky going on and what she’s holding could be a butt plug instead of a thermometer.

45. Seems like some garden creep has been on way too much Viagra lately.

Nevertheless, at least he’s wearing underwear. However, he’s seems to be a pervert with a pension for exhibitionism, especially when he’s erect. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

46. Seems like this gnome is either trigger happy or on a shooting rampage.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to see him on a bad day. Reminds me of the Al Pacino character from Scarface. Oh, wait, that is derived from Scarface.

47. Hipster gnome really thinks your android is sow mainstream.

Then again, I always picture hipsters as young people, not with white Santa Claus beards. Still, I’m sure that iPhone cost a fortune for those aren’t cheap to buy or have repaired.

48. This undead garden gnome has a strong preference for venison.

Now that’s really disgusting. And pretty demented if I do say so myself. Also seems to like his deer meat real raw and bloody.

49. Of course, even the gnomes have to do dirty work once in a while.

Of course, there’s a better way to cleaning dog shit than a pooper scooper. It’s called leaving it there. Still, I’m not sure about him smoking a cigarette though.

50. Seems like someone has been drinking a little too much wine the night before.

Of course, waking up with a hangover could be worse in some situations other than this. Seems that glass of wine was too big for him for some reason.

51. “I am the gnome who knocks.”

Yes, this is a gnome Walter White. However, I’m sure when he got in the meth business, the whole garden gnome neighborhood went to shit. Still, wonder if they have a Jesse Pinkman gnome.

52. Of course, zombie gnomes always prefer to help themselves to some pink flamingo.

Man, I didn’t know those lawn flamingos could bleed. Always assumed they were made from plastic. Pretty demented though.

53. Now this gnome is a fine police officer of the law.

If it wasn’t for the cone hat, I would’ve assumed him to be an actual police officer. Love the star badge on his hat though.

54. Of course, while some gnomes are said to protect gardens, this one’s on the move to kill.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big machete in his hand as far as I can see. Or maybe it's just a knife.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big ass knife in his hand.

55. This gnome family shows us that the family that slays together, stays together.

So while the father is armed with an ax and a dueling flintlock pistol, the mother appears to carry a loaded shotgun and the baby in her back harness. Still, I’m sure the gun he has can’t be fired without being reloaded.

56. “I’m gonna rock n’roll all night, and garden party every day.”

I may not be a fan of KISS. But when I see them as gnomes or nutcrackers, I have to include such depictions on my blog just for giggles.

57. Of course, on private matters, some gnomes can be really kinky in the garden.

Now this is pretty disturbing. Didn’t know BDSM fetishes could extend to garden gnomes. Of course, I wonder if they have a dominatrix garden gnome to come with him.

58. While most gnomes aren’t built like Adonis, this one is totally ripped.

Wonder if he’s on any performance enhancing drugs of some sort. I mean most bodybuilders are to some extend. Hell, a lot of athletes are, too like Lance Armstrong.

59. Of course, some gardens may contain a naturist gnome lurking around.

I’m sure the beard and belt are in place to cover up his naughty bits. Still, they call it the place where the sun don’t shine for a reason.

60. Of course, this ninja gnome is bound to hit anyone with a shovel at any moment.

Actually most ninjas didn’t wear black in real life since they functioned like covert agents and snipers. They usually dressed as peasants so the invisibility was psychological. However, this garden gnome ninja is just perfect.

61. Finally, a garden gnome promising change I can believe in.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure whether this Obama gnome is wearing a cone hat. Then again, maybe it was how this picture was photographed.

62. Seems like someone either doesn’t like flamingos or likes to eat them for dinner.

Now this is just demented if you really think about it. But I kind of find the gnome using the cleaver to behead a flamingo quite amusing, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

63. Like they say, it’s not over until the fat lady sings.

However, I have no idea why she’d wear a bikini and rabbit ears. I mean it doesn’t seem like appropriate attire for an opera singer as far as I’m concerned.

64. Seems like the gnomes really take to skate boarding and its cultural trimmings these days.

Oldest looking skater boy I’ve ever seen. Also, shouldn’t he be wearing a helmet? I mean he shouldn’t want to risk a head injury.

65. Of course, you still have to face some obstacles even in places where no gnome has gone before.

Seems like Captain Kirk and Gorn are about to go at it in this. One of the most memorable moments in Star Trek history. Also, Gorn almost looks no different.

66. Of course, you are all cordially invited to attend this royal gnome wedding.

So let me get this straight. The groom is already wearing a gone hat on his head. So why is he holding a top hat that’s obviously too small for him? I don’t get it. Don’t get it at all.

67. Of course, even in the gnome world, it seems that certain Starfleet members are more expendable than others.

Of course, for those who know anything about Star Trek: The Original Series, you’d be familiar with the term, “redshirt.” Of course, in Star Trek, if a previously unknown Starfleet character wears a red shirt, there’s a strong chance that he’s never coming back.

68. For the Japanese garden, these ninja and sumo wrestling gnomes will do you great service.

I don’t know about you. But they seem more or less resemble the Seven Dwarfs than anything from Japan. And I don’t think either of them have any Asian features either.

69. Seems like this guy has come straight out of Gnomeland Security.

Then again, he could be a sheriff or state trooper. Still, I’m sure intruders wouldn’t want to mess with

70. I call this one, “the Skanky Bride Gnome.”

Yeah, I don’t really care for swimsuit weddings. But I’m not sure why she’d have that set up for the bottoms. Oh, wait, is that her underwear? So why isn’t she wearing a dress, then?

71. For a Stripper Gnome, she sure knows her way around a pole.

I might’ve posted a picture with this one before on my lawn ornament post last year. Still, it’s quite funny and worth giving a closer look to. Also, I lover her glasses, by the way. Kind of similar to how many would imagine strippers in the Harry Potter world to look like in some respect.

72. Unlike some garden gnomes, this tiki one belongs in his island garden paradise.

Okay, pretty sure that’s a pretty offensive stereotype here. I mean blue paint, tusks in nose, shrunken head, grass skirt, staff, etc. Kind of reminds me of the savage natives you’d see in movies.

73. Seems like these two gnombres are having a fiesta.

Love the mariachi hat and the turned boots. Still, shouldn’t the lady’s hair be free flowing? It just seems off that she’s wearing a cone hat.

74. I’m sure these gnomes of horror movie villains will make a killer addition to your garden.

Seems like this ensemble includes many of the slasher-horror favorites. There’s Freddy and Jason as well as Leatherface. And I’m not sure who that one in the mask is. Really not sure.

75. These two gnomes are on a mission from God.

Yes, these are gnomes of the Blues Brothers from 1970s SNL. Look pretty much like the originals save for the beards and cone hats. But you know what they say about garden gnomes though.

76. Of course, you’d need a strong Viking warrior gnome to defend your garden.

Unlike some Viking depictions, at least this one doesn’t have helmet horns for a change. Of course, he does have a wooden hammer and a white beard.

77. Presenting the royal gnomes.

Now that obviously has to be a take off of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. Of course, the Prince Philip one is depicted in traditional gnome fashion.

78. Of course, even gnomes could be prone to worshipping the devil or listening to death metal music.

Now that looks quite terrifying. I don’t mean the hat with the upside down cross. I mean the fact that his face and beard are painted like that which terrifies me.

79. Now this steampunk garden gnome seems to come fully automated.

Now is this an automaton or a gnome in a metal encased suit? Perhaps we’ll never know for sure. Like the drill head though.

80. Of course, these Star Trek gnomes will allow your garden to go where no man has gone before.

Of course, I’m so used to Kirk and Spock being so clean shaven and thin (well, for the most part). Still, I wonder whether they have gnomes of the rest of the main cast as well. Maybe I’ll never know for sure.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 10 -Who’s Your Daddy? to Colossal Arena

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 14, 2015

Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Okay, we’ve reached the final post of my series of family unfriendly board games. I hope you enjoyed reading all the stuff about the bad board games out there which are offensive, outdated, tacky, boring, or just plain stupid. Of course, I’ve had this idea for quite some time but I had to put up posts for the holidays and early summer. But since nothing is going on between the 4th of July and August, this time provides a good window for me. But, if we can be thankful of anything in the gaming world, it’s that many of these board games aren’t around anymore, especially the ones targeted to kids and the tie-in stuff. Well, at least no longer in print but you can probably get most of them off Amazon or Etsy. So without further adieu, here is the final installment of my series of family unfriendly board games.

91. Who’s Your Daddy?

Now this is a game in which players are either women trying to have kids to as many men as possible to get child support or men trying to avoid paying the court-mandated payments. Let’s just say the only thing good about this game is the chance to do your best Jerry Springer or Maury Povich impression. Other than that, it’s a game that’s trashy beyond all description.

Category: Humor, Negotiation, Party, Dice Rolling

Players: 4-12

Contents: booklet, dice, pencils, scoresheets, fake money

Object: Players play both a man and a woman during turns. As the woman, the player is trying to have as many kids to as many different men as possible who they will sue for child support if she can successfully pin paternity on them. As the man, the player is denying paternity in order to avoid the court-ordered payments. Player who still has money wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea why anyone would come up with this sleazy idea that’s a mainstay staple of the trashy daytime talk show. Then again, it was released in 2001.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say thanks to daytime talk shows and derogatory stereotypes of greedy welfare mothers and irresponsible deadbeat dads, paternity suits don’t really have great connotations these days. In fact, this game’s very premise is so horrible to defy description that the only benefit of this game is that it gives the opportunity to give your best Maury Povich impersonation.

Available?: Hopefully not.

92. Baby Boomer: Tactical Survival in the Household

Baby Boomer is the kind of game in which you play either the parents or a cop trying to get an automatic weapon from a toddler’s hands before someone gets killed. On the bright side, it’s actually a very effective and convincing argument for gun control.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move

Players:1-3

Contents: dice, paper tabs, some paper pieces, hallway map

Object: Players represent Mom, Dad, and Officer Bill. Goal is for players to try to get them down the hallway before baby blows them up with a fully loaded Krup 9000, 16 shot, Near Silenced, Semi Auto pistol. Dog is the first victim.

Why they thought it was a good idea: For God’s sake, I have no idea why someone would think this would make a good board game.

Why it’s not: For fuck’s sake, this game is built around the premise of a toddler grabbing hold of a fully loaded automatic weapon. Now other than being an unintentional promotion for gun control, this baby is being raised by very irresponsible parents who don’t know shit about gun safety. Seriously, someone really needs to call Child Services on this one. Still, what kind of sadistic person would design a game like this? That’s insane!

Available?: No.

93. The Junkie Game

In the Junkie Game, players are heroin addicts in which they lose their job as well as suffer other negative consequences of drug addiction. Works like a reverse Monopoly. Nevertheless, it’s a rather depressing game.

Category: Economic, Educational, Roll/Spin and Move, Simulation

Players: 2-7

Contents: game board, cards, fake money

Object: Players represent heroin addicts who lose money, their jobs, and possessions throughout the course of play. When a player is unemployed, hustles help replace player income. They can also use Wisdom and Hassle cards as well. But as the game progresses, players are likely to acquire expensive habits requiring more money to maintain as well as suffer job loss, arrests, and negative consequences of board spaces. Player who survives the longest wins. Works kind of like a reverse Monopoly.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was released in 1972 as a way to illustrate the destructive nature of drug addiction.

Why it’s not: Because drug addiction isn’t a fun subject since the real life junkie game is always a losing proposition. In fact, making it a board game subject is depressing, even without the prostitution and codependency issues. You’d have more fun watching The Wire than playing this.

Available?: Thankfully no.

94. The Senior Prom Game

To be fair, this game came out in the 1950s. But still, being a prom queen isn’t a great aspiration for girls. This is especially true if their high school doesn’t have one. Also, neglects the realities of slutty dresses and teen pregnancy.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move, Children

Players:2-4

Contents: game board, player markers, spinner, 16 cardboard circles

Object: Players must attain the status of “Prom Queen” by obtaining 4 circles saying “Date,” “Grades,” “Formal,” and “Dance” in order to be qualified as a candidate along with landing on the space stating, “Selected Candidate for Prom Queen.” After that, each candidate must place their marker on a numbered star. First player to make it that far and spin the number matching their star space wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in the 1950s when prom in many ways would be the highlight of many teenage girls’ lives.

Why it’s not: For one, the game is stupid with spaces like “Meet new boy at game. Wow! Run ahead 3 spaces,” “Dance with T.V. idol at sock hop. Move ahead 6 spaces,” and “Study for finals with boy friend. Move ahead 2 spaces.”. Second, let’s just say aspiring to be prom queen isn’t a great one for girls, particularly if their school district doesn’t have one. Also, it’s kind of disturbing that it’s recommended for girls between 7-12. But unlike the real thing, there’s no risk for slutty dresses or teenage pregnancy involved with this game.

Available?: No.

95. Bigfoot: The Game

Now this is a game in which prospectors try to escape the monstrous wrath of dreaded Bigfoot in Alaska. Nevertheless, Bigfoot isn’t a snow monster for God’s sake. Seriously, Bigfoot is said to be in the Pacific Northwest forests.

Category: Monsters, Children, Mythology, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, Bigfoot model, 10 plastic discs depicting footprints and blanks, player tokens, dice

Object: Players represent gold prospectors in Alaska who have sighted the dreaded Bigfoot. Players have 2 tokens and must move either at the roll of the dice. If the player token lands on a Bigfoot space, player rolls the dice again and moves the creature to full count. If the creature moves onto a player’s token, then a disc is put on that space. If it reveals footprints, then the token is out of the game. Last surviving player wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea. It was made in 1977 so I can rule it out as being a tie-in to Harry and the Hendersons or that Bigfoot show on the History Channel.

Why it’s not: Not sure if a Bigfoot slaughtering innocents translates into fun, family entertainment. Also, Bigfoot isn’t really a snow monster.

Available?: No.

96. Leaping Lemmings

In Leaping Lemmings, players race their lemmings to the coast so they can dive off from cliffs. But watch out for the eagles. Basically murderous and suicidal fun for the whole family. Oh, wait, lemmings don’t commit suicide. Damn you, Disney!

Category: Animals, Humor, Racing, Dice Rolling, Hex-and-Counter

Players: 2-6

Contents: 2 Eagle dice, mounted map game board, 101 counters, 6 Clan player aid cards, deck of 55 cards

Object: Players control their own clan of specially bred and trained lemmings to compete with other clans, all trying to scurry down a canyon and throw themselves over a cliff. Distance and style points are important. One lemming diving with elan and style is worth 5 mundane divers. But players should be wary of eagles who might get to them first. At each term a movement card is revealed allowing for a 2-5 lemming movement points. But only the top lemming in each stack is allowed to move. Players can also use Special Action Cards to alter the rules to their advantage and their opponent’s detriment. Player with the most victory points wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, this was released in 2010. So your guess is as good as mine.

Why it’s not: While this is certainly a family friendly game, lemmings have been subject to many misconceptions that are still widely believed. For instance, thanks to some documentary shenanigans by Disney and others during the 1950s as well as their chaotic population fluctuations, it’s been widely believed that lemmings commit mass suicide by jumping off cliff. However, cliff jumping is a result of lemming migratory dispersal, not suicide. Lemmings can swim and may choose to cross a body of water in search of a new habitat. But sometimes they drown due to the body of water being so wide which stretches their physical capability to the limit. As for the population fluctuations, it’s now said to be based on predators, food, climate, and others. However, thanks to the mass suicide myth, a game pertaining to lemming cliff jumping might carry some unfortunate implications to some. Doesn’t help that reviews call this a murder and suicide fest either. Still, suicide fest or not, it’s still a pretty gory game.

Available?: Yes.

97. Sealed with a Kiss Game

In this game, players collect “kisses” on their “boyfriend’s” picture which are marked with a “kisser” stamper. Of course, it’s a stupid game targeted to preteen and teenage girls, obviously.

Category: Children

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, spinner, 4 pawns, 4 picture frames, 4 plastic sheets, 6 double-sided boyfriend photos, 1 kiss stamper

Object: Players get one of 12 boyfriend photos which they put in a frame and move a around the board collecting kisses. When a player wins a kiss, they use a special “kisser” stamper to stamp the boyfriend’s photo. However, sometimes players can lose kisses, take kisses, or even trade boyfriends. First player to collect 5 kisses wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Game developer wanted to appeal to a pre-teen girl demographic, I guess. Seriously, such shit was made for them.

Why it’s not: For one, it basically teaches girls that boys are more important during their teenage years than say, getting good grades to get into college. Second, it’s stupid. Third, it gives girls unrealistic expectations in boys.

Available?: No.

98. Electronic Mall Madness

Now this is a game targeted to preteen and teenage girls in which players shop for items at the mall with an unlimited supply of cash. Of course, this game doesn’t have any perception of real world economics.

Category: Children, Economic, Electronic, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, electronic computer, 4 rubber pads, 4 shopping lists, 6 plastic wall pieces, 2 sale signs, 1 clearance sign, 8 plastic pawns, 40 plastic pegs, fake money, 4 credit cards, 29 pieces of cardboard

Object: Players are mall shoppers in which an electronic computer tells them the best deals and where to move. Goal is for players to purchase 6-10 items on their lists and get back to the parking lot. Access to ATM takes a whole turn, however.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Not sure, guess they think that teenage girls like shopping at the mall.

Why it’s not: It’s a highly materialistic game that teaches girls that there are no real life consequences to maxing out their parents’ credit cards and they’re a source of endless money supply. Also, shopping at the mall is expensive. Besides, it’s highly sexist with its obvious targeting at teenage girls suggesting that they like shopping at the mall. Hey, I’m female and most of the time, I hate shopping.

Available?: Not sure. Might be an online game. It has multiple versions since 1989.

99. Junta

In this game, players represent officers in a junta where they choose El Presidente who rewards them with offices and money. Involves lying, exile, backstabbing, assassination, and other dirty stuff. Certainly not recommended for families of any kind.

Category: Bluffing, Humor, War, Mafia, Negotiation, Political, Dice Rolling

Players: 2-7

Contents: a giant mounted full-color map, deck of 78 cards, 3 dice, 148 counters, fake money

Object: Players represent various office holders in the ruling junta. Depending on office and various cards they hold, each player has a certain number of votes which help them choose El Presidente and the budget he or she proposes. El Presidente then distributes the money as he or she sees fit amongst the various offices. Loyalty is usually rewarded while pesky “thorns on side” are completely cut off. But he or she can and usually does keep some of the loot for his or herself with no one knowing the value drawn. Thus, players must attempt to assassinate opponents by guessing where they will be among 5 locations. Players who successfully kill another player, take their opponent’s money but must survive the assassination round to put it in a Swiss bank account. Also, unhappy players can call for a coup with the opposition trying to take control of a majority of power centers with rebels facing El Presidente’s forces. Player who amasses the most money secreted away in a Swiss bank account wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was probably inspired by the Banana Republic dictatorships in Latin America which it parodies when it was first released in 1975.

Why it’s not: Well, despite that it has quite a following, it also involves backstabbing, assassination, lying, exile, and other dirty stuff. Also, can take as long as 6 hours. Not for families or the faint hearted.

Available?: Well, it’s gone through a lot of versions.

100. Colossal Arena

Colossal Arena is a game where spectators take bets on battles between mythological creatures. Kind of like a mythological version of the gladiatorial games and whatever Michael Vick was doing.

Category: Card, Fantasy, Mythology

Players: 2-5

Contents: Deck of 163 cards or one of 110 cards with a draw discard tray, 25 wagering chips

Object: Players represent spectators cheering and betting on the melee ongoing in a fantasy arena/colosseum in which fantasy creatures are pitted against each other in battle. In each round one of the creatures will die. To decide which unlucky soul should, players put numbered power cards in front of the creatures with the lowest one going to the grave. Players’ place bets throughout the game will sometimes allow them to use a creature’s special power in battle. Bettor who rakes in the most winnings is the victor.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, I’m sure betting with fantasy creatures seemed like a great way for people to know about mythological creatures, according to one developer.

Why it’s not: Of course, the only thing that seems to make this game acceptable is that these are fantasy creatures in a Roman arena. Of course, monster battles might be awesome yet are nevertheless animals. Keep in mind it pertains to people betting on animals to fight, which shouldn’t be encouraged. Also, involves gambling.

Available?: Hopefully not.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Author Archives: historymaniacmegan

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Fun with Garden Gnomes

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 10 -Who’s Your Daddy? to Colossal Arena