Movie Reviews by People Who Take Everything Literally

1. To Kill a Mockingbird: “So disappointed that no birds were killed in this movie. Not even mockingbirds.”

2. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: “As an avid bird watcher, I had anticipated to see this movie thinking it was about the nesting habits about cuckoos. Was so pissed that it focused on a bunch of inmates in an insane asylum and their crazy bitch nurse.”

3. Infinitely Polar Bear: “Can’t believe this movie had absolutely nothing to do with polar bears or the Arctic. So disappointed.”

4. A Farewell to Arms: “He has his arms throughout the movie and still has them by the end. Can’t imagine why the title is this when he doesn’t say goodbye to his arms.”

5. The Three Musketeers: “All this movie’s about is four guys with swords, not three guys with muskets.”

6. Gone with the Wind: “More like Gone with the War. Had nothing to do with people losing everything in a tornado.”

7. Fiddler on the Roof: “Well, there’s a fiddler on the roof who sometimes comes down now and then. But he doesn’t really have anything to with the story which focuses on a bunch of Russian Jews instead.”

8. Blazing Saddles: “Why I never got to see anyone set fire on a saddle in this movie, I have no idea.”

9. The Lion in Winter: “Sure it takes place in winter but there’s no snow on the ground. Also, I as so upset that there wasn’t a single lion in it. Just a dysfunctional royal family at Christmas.”

10. Twelve O’Clock High: “I was expecting it to be one of those stoner movies. Instead, it was about a bunch of World War II pilots and their asshole commander who goes nuts. I was so bummed I wanted my money back.”

11. The Seventh Seal: “Instead of watching a movie about adorable seals, I get a depressing Swedish film about a medieval knight playing chess with the Grim Reaper.”

12. Singin’ in the Rain: “Only one scene where there’s actual signing in the rain. The rest is just people singing and talking indoors and something about talkies.”

13. Jewel of the Nile: “Can’t believe this had nothing to do about jewelry in Egypt. The ‘jewel’ in this movie is just some bearded holy man, which doesn’t make any sense to me.”

14. Dances with Wolves: “Well, there’s one scene where Kevin Costner might be dancing with a wolf. But, most of this movie has nothing to do with dancing with wolves. Just about a guy befriending Indians.”

15. Candyman: “Was outraged to see that this movie had nothing to do with a guy who sells candy. Can’t believe it pertains to a murderous ghosts.”

16. Julius Caesar: “Thought this was a biopic about the ancient Roman leader. Instead, it’s about this Brutus guy who’s talked into killing him half-way through and later loses it.”

17. The Brown Bunny: “Assumed that this was a cute animal film about a brown rabbit. After viewing this, I’m grateful I didn’t watch it with my kids.”

18. All Quiet on the Western Front: “From viewing this movie, it seems that the Western Front wasn’t quiet at all.”

19. Of Mice and Men: “Now I get this movie’s about men. But I didn’t see any mice in it.”

20. The Silence of the Lambs: “I’m so pissed that this movie doesn’t have much to do with sheep or lambs. Just an FBI agent and a couple of creepy murderers with fetishes in cannibalism and crossdressing.”

21. Dead Poets Society: “Thought this was about a society pertaining to undead poets. Disappointed to find out it was about a bunch of boarding school boys being taught poetry.”

22. It’s a Wonderful Life: “Not sure if I call the guy’s life anything wonderful. Seems like he led a life where very little seem to go right with him.”

23. The Grapes of Wrath: “Didn’t see any angry grapes in this movie. Just a bunch of poor people.”

24. A Raisin in the Sun: “There is nothing about this movie that has anything to do with raisins in the sun. Just about a black family wanting to move into a new house.”

25. The Man Who Wasn’t There: “How can a movie be about a man who’s not there? Billy Bob Thornton never seems to disappear or anything. Seriously, such concept doesn’t make any sense.”

26. East of Eden: “Had no idea that this wasn’t a biblical movie about Adam and Eve. Just about two brothers and their asshole dad.”

27. Kind Hearts and Coronets: “More like a Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder. Seriously, its more about killing family members and carrying on with your ex-girlfriend than anything about nice people and trumpets.”

28. Splendor in the Grass: “Doesn’t really have much to do with having any splendor in the grass. Just about two teenagers who break up and move on with other people. Oh, and the girl tries to commit suicide.”

29. No Country for Old Men: “Didn’t see a single senior citizen in this whole movie. More like an emotionless serial killer on a rampage.”

30. The Last King of Scotland: “So pissed off that it has nothing to do with the decline and fall of the Scottish monarchy. In fact, this movie isn’t set in Scotland at all, but in Uganda and it’s about Idi Amin.”

31. My Life as a Dog: “Can’t believe it’s not a body swap comedy involving an owner and canine. Just a Swedish coming of age film.”

32. The Ref: “Was expecting this movie to be about the ups and downs of a sports referee. Instead it’s about a fugitive crook who kidnaps a dysfunctional married couple.”

33. A Clockwork Orange: “Was deeply disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with the workings of orange clocks.”

34. JFK: “So distraught that this movie wasn’t a biopic about John F. Kennedy. It’s just about a guy who has some crazy theory about who killed him.”

35. Chariots of Fire: “Was bummed out that this movie didn’t feature fiery chariots, instead of a bunch of British guys competing in the Olympics.”

36. Reservoir Dogs: “I was so upset that this movie had nothing to do with the lives of dogs near reservoirs. Just a film about sadistic criminals with color coded names and suits.”

37. It Happened One Night: “Movie spans several nights with none being ever significant to the plot than any other. Should be more like It Happened Over a Road Trip.”

38. Straw Dogs: “Pissed off that this movie had nothing to do with straw dogs or even dogs or straw. What the hell?”

39. The Room: “Should really be called The Building since it takes place in several rooms no significant than the other.”

40. The Postman Always Rings Twice: “There are no mailmen or doorbells in this movie. So there’s no way to see a postman always ringing twice. It should be titled The Drifter and the Woman Who Wants to Kill Her Husband So She Can Get Everything.”

41. Jurassic Park: “But if it’s called Jurassic Park, then why do most of the dinosaurs seem to be from the Cretaceous period? Shouldn’t it be Cretaceous Park?”

42. The Big Sleep: “No one in this movie ever seems to be taking a long nap or be in a coma. In fact, this movie has very little to do with anything relating to sleep whatsoever.”

43. Christmas Vacation: “The family doesn’t go anywhere for Christmas. Just has their relatives spend Christmas with them.”

44. Captain Horatio Hornblower: “I was initially outraged why TCM would ever air a movie that sounds like a gay porn. Turns out it’s just about a naval officer with a porn character name and isn’t seen engage in any gay sex whatsoever. In fact, he ain’t even gay.”

45. The Keys to the Kingdom: “He never gets any keys and he doesn’t visit any kingdom. Just a priest who’s sent to China. So bummed.”

46. Little Women: “About teenage girls, not female midgets. Okay, female dwarfs, are you happy?”

47. The Princess Bride: “More like a prince’s fiancee to me. Besides, she doesn’t really marry him anyway.”

48. Fargo: “There’s only one scene set in Fargo in the beginning. The rest of the movie takes place in Minnesota.”

49. Leave Her To Heaven: “A more appropriate title for this movie would be Leave Her to Hell.”

50. M. A. S. H.: “Initially thought that this movie was about potatoes. It’s not. It’s about an army hospital camp.”

51. The Fault of Our Stars: “Seems like this movie has nothing about the character flaws of celestial fireballs.”

52. For Whom the Bell Tolls: “Doesn’t seem to have anything to do with bell ringing or tolls. More like people hiding in places and shooting at each other.”

53. Inherit the Wind: “How can you inherit wind? Also, this movie has nothing to do with inheritance or wind. Just a trial of a science teacher arrested for teaching evolution in school.”

54. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape: “Apparently nothing is eating Gilbert Grape. It’s just that he’s a young man with way too many responsibilities like a mentally handicapped brother and a grossly overweight mom.”

55. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?: “Contrary to my initial assumptions, this isn’t a biopic about the famed bisexual British novelist who went nuts and drowned herself. It’s actually about a couple of emotionally dysfunctional alcoholics hosting a dinner party.”

56. The Man with the Golden Arm: “For God’s sake, Frank Sinatra’s hand isn’t made out of gold in this! Rather, he’s more of a druggie.”

57. Dr. Strangelove: “Was expecting a hippie stoner movie with this one. Turns out this is a Cold War satire. And Dr. Strangelove is actually a Nazi scientist, not a drug dealer. Go figure.”

58. 12 Angry Men: “It’s about twelve men all right. But not all of them are angry.”

59. A Mighty Wind: “Just a movie about a bunch of folksingers doing a PBS special. Has nothing to do with windstorms.”

60. Now, Voyager: “Thought this was a Star Trek movie. Turns out to be about a rich girl getting a makeover and having an affair.”

61. The Agony and the Ecstasy: “Was expecting this movie to be about the ups and downs on experimenting with rave drugs. Is actually a biopic of Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. Not sure which I would prefer.”

62. The Neverending Story: “It ends. So disappointed.”

63. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: “So bummed that it didn’t have any cats in it. And I’m sure that house in the movie doesn’t have tin roof.”

64. Life of Pi: “Was so disappointed that this movie didn’t feature one single pie. Instead it was about a young man stuck on a boat with a tiger.”

65. A Streetcar Named Desire: “Well, there’s a streetcar in it but it has very little to do with the movie. The rest focuses on an abusive husband and a blonde lady going crazy.”

66. Moonrise Kingdom: “There’s no moon rising and there’s no kingdom. So what kind of movie is this?”

67. The Godfather: “I’m sorry but Marlon Brando doesn’t look like a god to me in this one.”

68. Romancing the Stone: “Can’t see how anyone could romance a stone? Well, there’s romance and a stone involved but they tend to seem rather unrelated.”

69. Mommie Dearest: “The mother in this film is anything but.”

70. The Ladykillers: “The lady in this movie is still alive by the end. I wouldn’t say the same for the guys though.”

71. Iron Man: “Doesn’t seem this guy is made of iron or has anything made from iron either.”

72. Gravity: “Most of this movie’s spent in space where everything’s floating. Doesn’t seem to have much gravity at all.”

73. Star Wars: “Nowhere in this movie do I ever see stars actually fighting each other. Really disappoints me because I think a star battle would be awesome.”

74. Adam’s Rib: “So bummed that this movie had nothing to do with a guy’s rib. Was all about a courtroom trial and marital problems.”

75. The Big Chill: “Disappointed that it has nothing to with a snowstorm where at least one of the characters freeze to death. Just about a bunch of guys attending their friend’s funeral.”

76. Baby Doll: “So bummed that this movie had nothing to do with an actual baby doll. Just about a teenage bride.”

77. The African Queen: “Expected this movie to be about an actual queen in Africa. Turns out it’s just the name of a boat that falls apart throughout the movie.”

78. All the King’s Men: “I’m sorry but I was quite disappointed to watch this movie and find out that it had nothing to do with a king of any kind whatsoever.”

79. Chinatown: “Most of the movie doesn’t even take place in Chinatown. It just ends there.”

80. Days of Wine and Roses: “More like Days of Wine and Anything Else with Alcohol in It. Not much roses.”

81. Dead Man Walking: “Was so disappointed that this movie wasn’t a zombie flick.”

82. The Deer Hunter: “Was expecting this movie to be a guy on a deer hunting trip. Well, they hunt a deer but they spend most of the movie as soldiers in Vietnam.”

83. Dirty Harry: “Hate to say this, but Harry looks quite clean throughout the film.”

84. The English Patient: “The only thing that makes this guy English is that he’s played by a guy with an English accent. He’s actually Hungarian.”

85. Giant: “Was so disappointed that I didn’t see a single giant in this movie.”

86. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: “Yes, but this movie also says they’re willing to settle for brunettes.”

87. Goldfinger: “The man may love gold but he doesn’t have any golden fingers at all.”

88. The Great Dictator: “Not sure if I’d call the dictator in this movie great. He seems like a total idiot with delusions of grandeur.”

89. Hannah and Her Sisters: “More like Hannah, Her Sisters, Her Husband, and Ex-Husband. In fact, this movie doesn’t focus much on Hannah at all.”

90. How Green Was My Valley: “Since this movie’s takes place in a coal mining town, I doubt if the valley in question can ever be green.”

91. Fifty Shades of Grey: “Has a lot of gray in it, but I think fifty shades isn’t a correct estimate.”

92. Last Tango in Paris: “Unlike what I expected, it has nothing to do with old people dancing the tango in Paris.”

93. The Leopard: “Not only I’m angry that I didn’t see a single leopard in this movie, I’m also upset that it takes place where you’d never see them in the wild. Not only that, but it has nothing to do with animals ever.”

94. Two Women: “More like One Woman and One Teenage Girl.”

95. The Little Foxes: “Was so upset that this movie had nothing to do with miniature foxes, which I greatly anticipated.”

96. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner: “I’m not sure if this long distance runner is lonely. Seems more like he wants to be left alone.”

97. The Last American Hero: “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Also, he doesn’t really save anyone from a burning building so how can he be considered a hero?”

98. Little Caesar: “Disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with a life of a diminutive Roman Emperor. Instead I get a movie about a 1920s gangster.”

99. Animal House: “Was so upset that this had nothing to do with a house filled with animals, which would’ve been much less dangerous than a bunch of college frat boys.”

100. The Ox-Bow Incident: “So disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with an incident relating to an ox or a bow.”

101. Paint Your Wagon: “Has nothing to do with painting wagons. More like a musical about wife sharing in the Old West.”

102. The Purple Rose of Cairo: “This movie wasn’t set in Cairo where I’m sure they don’t have purple roses either.”

103. The Quiet Man: “The man in this movie seems quite noisy for a man who’s supposed to be silent.”

104. Rain Man: “Sadly, this movie isn’t about a man who can make it rain, which would’ve been awesome.”

105. Saturday Night Fever: “Seems like this guy is perfectly fine to go dancing on a Saturday night. Not sure what kind of sickness he has.”

106. The Snake Pit: “Very disappointed that nobody was thrown into a pit of snakes during this movie.”

107. Spellbound: “Disappointed that this movie didn’t have any wizards or spelling bees.”

108. The 39 Steps: “There might be more than that in this movie. Not sure what they mean by ‘steps’ as by plans, stairs, or paces.”

109. Tootsie: “Unfortunately, contrary to what I’d hope, this movie has nothing to do with making those chocolate caramel candies you give to trick-or-treaters which look like animal turds.”

110. Trainspotting: “Disappointed that this movie had nothing to do people who like watching trains, which I think is a better activity than shooting up heroin.”

111. The War of the Roses: “Unfortunately, I was so disappointed that this movie was about a materialistic and hostile couple getting a divorce instead of a 15th century series of conflicts that brought down the Plantagenets.”

112. The Whales of August: “Expected a movie about the summer lives of whales. Instead I got a movie about two old sisters on vacation.”

113. Wild Strawberries: “Hate to say this, but I’m not sure if wild strawberries are the main focus in this film. Especially since it looks like a Swedish road trip movie and not a fun one at that.”

114. The Hunger Games: “Thought this was a movie about the world of competitive eating. But I was wrong since it’s actually about a dystopian competition in which teenagers fight to the death.”

115. Raging Bulls: “Unfortunately, it’s a boxing movie. Not a film about a very angry bull wreaking havoc wherever he goes.”

116. Back to the Future: “Movie takes place in the present where two characters travel to the past before returning to the present. So I don’t see how future figures into it.”

117. Life Is Beautiful: “Apparently not in this movie.”

118. A Fish Called Wanda: “Yes, there’s a fish called Wanda, but it’s not the biggest focus on the story, which involves humans.”

119. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: “Was so bummed that this movie had nothing to do with how much the underwater sea creatures enjoy baseball.”

120. Brokeback Mountain: “Apparently not a mountain where its climbers suffer debilitating spinal injuries.”

121. Breakfast at Tiffany’s: “Seems like the two leads spend very little time having breakfast. And Audrey Hepburn’s character isn’t named Tiffany.”

122. Bottle Rocket: “Nowhere in this movie do I see anyone making or using a rocket derived from bottles.”

123. Secondhand Lions: “Was so bummed that I didn’t see any lions at all in this movie, old, secondhand, or otherwise. Also doesn’t take place in Africa.”

124. Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai: “So upset that this wasn’t a movie about a samurai and his paranormal canine friends.”

125. The Squid and the Whale: “Too bad that this film is more about a dysfunctional New York family than anything to do ocean life, particularly pertaining to mollusks or marine mammals.”

126. Cinderella Man: “Thought this movie was a gender flipped version of a classic fairy tale. Instead it’s about boxing.”

127. The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing: “Thought this was a wholesome family film about an enthusiast in feline choreography. Instead it’s a revenge story about a man seeking revenge for the rape and murder of his wife which isn’t for kids.”

128. There Be Dragons: “Was expecting a mystical dark fantasy movie with wizards, sorcery kings, and dragons. However, this film features nothing of the sort.”

129. The Ghost and the Darkness: “Thought this was one of those haunted house horror movies you’d see on Halloween. Instead, it’s a film about maneating lions in Africa.”

130. The World’s Fastest Indian: “Disappointed that I didn’t see a single speedy Indian in this film.”

131. The Constant Gardener: “I’m not sure if he likes gardening. But if he does, he doesn’t seem to spend a lot of time on it.”

132. High Noon: “Thought this was a stoner film about tripping during the midday. It’s actually a western about a guy surrounded by chickenshits.

133. Octopussy: “Initially thought it was either a porn involving an octopus or a movie pertaining to an eight headed cat. It’s actually a James Bond film who’s love interest is the title character.”

134. Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx: “Was so disappointed that this movie had nothing to do with Duck Tales or anything to do with ducks in New York.”

135. Riding in Cars with Boys: “Apparently, it doesn’t involve Drew Barrymore spending various time with guys inside automobiles. So disappointing.”

136. Operation Dumbo Drop: “Thought this was a Disney sequel to Dumbo in which he loses the ability to fly at an inopportune moment. So bummed that it wasn’t.”

137. Teaching Mrs. Tingle: “Apparently, I assumed that this was a movie based on a little-known book by either Dr. Seuss or Roald Dahl. It’s actually neither and probably not for younger children.”

138. Quantum of Solace: “Thought this was a movie about a physicist who had to come to turns with his grief. Instead, it turns out to be one of those James Bond movies.”

139. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: “When I heard about this movie, I assumed it was about some high profile LSD drug lord from the 1940s.”

140. They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?: “Was so disappointed by the lack of mass equine slaughter in this movie, which is about a dance competition.”

141. Cloverfield: “Assumed this movie took place in a nice quiet meadow where nothing happens. It’s actually a disaster film.”

142. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: “Thought this was a film about what happens to your pants after dropping it off at the dry cleaner. Actually it’s one about a group of friends sharing a pair of jeans. Not sure which I’d prefer.”

143. There Will Be Blood: “Well, there is but it’s not as much as I hoped for, especially since I was expecting this to be a slasher horror film.”

144. Children of the Corn: “Was disappointed that the children in this movie didn’t have kernel faces or husk hair.”

145. The Green Mile: “Have no idea how such a mile can be green. Also, surprised this movie takes place in a prison.”

146. Birdman of Alcatraz: “Well, he keeps birds and is in Alcatraz. But he doesn’t keep birds at Alcatraz. So why is it called Birdman of Alcatraz?”

147. Wag the Dog: “Hate to say this, but I was bummed that this wasn’t a family friendly flick with a dog in it.”

148. Failure to Launch: “Very peeved that this movie had nothing to do with anything pertaining to launching rockets or a space program. Just a stupid romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.”

149. Herbie: Fully Loaded: “Bummed that this movie had nothing do with being a comedy about a drunk or serial killer named Herbie. Just a movie about a crazy car with Lindsay Lohan.”

150. Free Willy: “I was shocked when I saw such a pornographic could be aired on family friendly TV stations. Then I found out it was G-rated flick about freeing a whale.”

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One response to “Movie Reviews by People Who Take Everything Literally

  1. Movie titles can be confusing even for those who don’t take everything literally! You wonder how they come up with them!

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