Fortunately, Fernald and the kids all have a distraction unexpectedly set up for them in the form of Carmelita Spats putting on her torturous song and dance routine. And you thought spending hours rowing oars for free a la Ben Hur was terrible enough for the kids doing the grunt work. Now they have to sit through Carmelita’s recital and applaud or get a taste of Esme’s tagliatelle grande. To make matters worse, she sings a song on how great she is and her singing voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Scratch that, Carmelita Spats is the human incarnation of fingernails on a chalkboard. As all eyes are on Carmelita, the five make a run through it hiding behind pillars and lying on the floor without being seen. The Baudelaires make it through to the Queequeg without a hitch. But Carmelita spots Fernald and Fiona. So the Hook-Handed Man tells Esme that he’s trying to get the Baudelaires to tell him where the Sugar Bowl is and ask her if he can borrow the tagliatelle grande to get it out of them. Fiona joins the ruse claiming that she joined the Carmelita’s crew. Esme gives in, calling Fiona, “Triangle-Eyes.”

Naturally, I had to go with “L-O-V-E (L Is for the Way You Look at Me)” for Carmelita’s song and dance routine that distracts everyone and allows the Baudelaires escape to the Queequeg. Of course, the original version is a run-of-the-mill love song covered by a bunch of artists for decades. In this version, it’s all about Carmelita on Carmelita.

“C-A-R-M-E-L-I-T-A (C Is for How Cute I Am You See)”

Sung by Carmelita Spats

C is for how cute I am you see
A is for adorable as can be
R is for ravishing extraordinary
M is for gorgeous as I am forevermore just

E is for excellent compared to all
L is for how lovable I do enthrall
I is for I’m the best, you know it
T is for how talented as I show it
A is for a tap dancing ballerina
Fairy princess veterinarian!

C is for how cute I am you see
A is for adorable as can be
R is for ravishing extraordinary
M is for gorgeous as I am forevermore just

E is for excellent compared to all
L is for how lovable I do enthrall
I is for I’m the best, you know it
T is for how talented as I show it
A is for a tap dancing ballerina
Fairy princess veterinarian!
Now let’s sing my whole song again
Now let’s sing my whole song again